I have had this friend since I was about 17. He was one of the very few men I did not have a sexual relationship with but we were friends. I just found out he passed away the other day. He was my age, with one daughter (that we would joke 1 he knew about). He was this hilarious guy that would call me every few months and we would shoot the shit and laugh so hard together. And everyone that knows him would say the same thing about him. He made every one feel so special. He made everything fun. He always had crazy stories and wild things happening to him. My ex-husband and I shared an apartment with him when I was 17. We would argue like siblings. I have not had a lot of experience with death in my life and I feel like I can not believe this. We just hung out in September at my ex-husbands wedding. We had a good time. It was so good to see him. He hugged me and it was so nice. We took a picture, or his girlfriend took our picture and just like that he was gone. He has helped me in some business deals and is the very reason I was able to get my income property. He was wildly successful and lived hard. I will miss him a great deal. I still can not even believe he is gone. He was one of these guys that I can totally see him faking his death and showing up years later or sending me a postcard from the Philippines. I can only hope that he is having a beer on a beach some where and enjoying the good life.
Life just has not been easy for me lately. My daughter had to go to an impatient program for mental health issues and I just dont know which way I am going lately. Life has been hard. I have been trying to hold it together but Thanksgiving without my oldest felt incomplete and unfair. I feel like I squandered the 18 years I had with her without realizing that she would change like that and now I feel like it is too late and I have lost her forever. And Im too busy just surviving taking care of the other two and I cannot savor every moment of their childhood like I want to.
Im not sure what is happening in my world but it feels a little bit like it is falling apart. And has been falling apart in slow motion. I just keep working everyday to keep me distracted and focused on what I can control in my life.
So the submissive girl that provides insight into submission and sometimes a glimpse into the realties of womanhood, single motherhood, mental illness and toxic love is sufficiently knocked down. I feel like whatever the universe is trying to teach me ...I hope I have learned it.
