Another Holiday

 Holidays have always been a difficult time for me. My naive fantasies of what a holiday celebration should look like with the stark reality of what my life looks like is hard. Despite loving my life and the choices have made I am cognizant that it looks different than what media would have me believe is the standard. Even this weekend, not a particularly big holiday but it still comes with pressure. My youngest asking me what we are doing for Memorial Day and me over hearing all the stay at home moms with the the money for two houses and cars that cost almost as much as my home talking about going to their shore home etc...For me and my family this long weekend looks like recovery. Both of my girls broke their foot and are in boots now. My youngest is still struggling with respiratory issues and we are heading to a new specialist this week. I cut down my job obligations when I left my 3rd temp job but I have been able to pick up more hours on my 2nd job and all I do is work. I work, I clean and take care of the house, I exercise and I sleep. I do little else with my life. And for right now that feels good. 

I did feel obligated to get the kids outside today. We headed to my sisters where we just literally sat and chatted, while I worked. My mom was there too. They complained about their spouses and I had nothing to complain about.  Sometimes I think about all my mom has sacrificed to be with my dad and I feel bad for her. They have been together since she has been 17 and he 19 and it was anything but easy. I used to beg for them to divorce. Their relationship is and always has been toxic. My dad is a good man with so many wonderful qualities but being a good communicator is not one of them. Sometimes I think he is just mean to my mom and I can not figure out why. And I see my mom resents him. It is just a cluster fuck and frankly there is too much peace in my life for me to find myself in a place like that. I would be lying if I did not think their relationship has not impacted my new found independence and need for peace in my home. I dont want to be my mom's age and have that horrible full body angst that only a man can fill me with. 

As I was driving home I drove past the neighbor's house and he has not called me like he usually does. I feel a little fucked up about this. I liked him boosting my confidence and making me feel wanted even though the thought of fucking anyone makes me cringe. I walked out of my house the other day and he was walking his dogs right in front of me. My kids were outside with me and I was talking to them and it is this him catching me in the wild and the two of us acting as though we dont see each other that I live for. I absolutely love the secret of it all. 

My mind is a little bit all over tonight, so I am skipping around a bit. My friend has been so busy this holiday weekend it makes me feel like I am not doing it right. She has had non-stop events and plans for days now and I am just sitting in my peaceful home working. I try to balance what I want and need and what my kids want and need and that's how we ended up at my sisters. My sisters house is wild. They have two very nice dogs and my kids love to interact and play with the dogs. They have a big yard and believe that the yard is for the kids to destroy and have fun in. For a visual, the kids Little Tykes play house that the kids played with for the last 12 years still sits in the yard. The kids have painted it, attached a mailbox to it, decorated with Christmas garland and filled in cracks with spray foam (just for fun). There are toys in the driveway at all times, and projects that are being worked on. Today my niece and daughter dug a river in the middle of the yard and got the hose out to fill it and added sticks and giant branches for bridges. That river will stay like that until the elements erode it away and they could not care less that there yard looks a mess. I half love it and half want to fix it. Im all for kids using my house and yard to be kids but they might take it a bit too far. But my kids LOVE it there.  They have a great inground pool but it is just too cold to swim yet. We all had pizza, we laughed, we relaxed and that is all I could ever hope for on a holiday weekend. I have to remind myself that I am not here to make anyone but myself happy, well my kids and then myself. 

I feel like I am in a growth and healing journey in my life right now. And maybe I cannot just open myself up to people like I could before as I am allowing myself to feel the feelings that I have been running from for so long. There are deep reasons, I assume, for my current feelings on sex. I do find myself seeing that I am using work as an escape from things I don't want to acknowledge. I am happy to work all day every day. I force myself to do the other things like cook for the kids and take a walk. It just feels nice in this mental protective cocoon. No wandering thoughts, no wondering how my life will go in the next chapter, no worries about the kids. I just let my mind get lost in the details of work and it feels so freeing. It's like what swimming does for my body. The weightlessness and freedom from pain and the soothing feel of the water. Work gives me that. I feel like sex used to give me that. And to be frank D ruined that for me. 

The Unfuckening

 The Unfuckening is a word my friend has used for years. She used it to describe the period of time of when her daughter came home from her Dad's house to her house. The child needed hours sometimes the rest of the day to realign. The change of being Daddy's daughter in his house to being Mommy's daughter in Mommy's house took time to adjust to. She would need time on the couch, sometimes being alone, sometimes cuddling, sometimes she would cry and sometimes she would yell. It was a definitive period of time in which she was not herself. This child I know so well would need so much space and soothing that I sometimes felt like I did not recognize her until the unfuckening was over. 

This is where I am at, or at least I hope. I hope I am in a period of time in which my mind and spirit are adjusting. I need peace and soothing and I will eventually come back to myself and people will recognize me again. 

The last day or two I have tried to imagine myself wanting to talk to a man again. It really all started with driving past one of those "We Buy Gold" shops the other day. I thought about gold and who just has gold laying around to sell. I dont have any gold and then D popped in my head. He always wore his gold chain with his charm that said Trinidad in the shape of the country on it. For so many years I remember seeing that gold chain lay on my breasts while he fucked me. I would watch the sweat on his chest bead up around the chain. .....Ok so as I am typing that I have a crazy urge to call him and beg him to come to me. I will not do that but dammit the instinct was there. 

As I go around life I dont think about D. For example, I dont miss him per se but there are things that make me feel like I might just find him and make him talk to me. Sometimes I think that he is embarrassed of his behavior and wants to forget it and therefore me. I mainly think he is mad about the wage garnishment now but that is a hill that I will die on. That was the right thing for me to do. If I lost good dick on that then so be it. 

When I look in on myself from the outside of my life I feel sadness for me. I can see how devastated this has left me. If I sit with that for too long it will be hard to go on. If I let myself believe that I will never see the man I loved that hard again it feels like I just quite catch my breath. 

There is a fine line between just leaving things where they are and not begging him to talk to me and completely offering my self and dignity to him again. There are days when this line feels like it will be crossed. It feels like I will never be happy again until he is in my bed again and that gold chain is dangling on my white skin. I text my friend every time I get there so she can talk me off the ledge. 

This past week I had a crazy bad stomach virus. It was so bad that I needed to go to the ER for fluids because I was unable to stand from dehydration. I got to the hospital, I had my daughter drop me off. I went to the desk alone, hunched over in pain, sweating profusely and the nurses attended to me. They took my temperature and got very worried (Spoiler Alert - the temp was wrong and I did not have a fever). The nurses were initially concerned that I was septic and moved very fast and in that moment I was finally able to cry. I have waited to cry for so long and I leaned into it. I was there for maybe 8 hours and I cried several times out of desperation and feeling so bad. I tried to let me self cry about D but the tears would instantly stop. I could not do it. I dont know what stops me. I suspect it's one of two things or a little of both. 1- perhaps I'm just so fucking pissed off at the way he treated me in the end that I cannot even believe that I would shed another tear for this piece of shit or 2- I am afraid to feel those feelings because they are so intense. 

Im just want to put out in to the universe that I am open to a dark-skin island man with a giant cock. I think that would help me turn the tide. And universe please let him have a job and a car and the emotional intelligence to be with me. 

Dead Inside

 I am tempted but held back by the reality that feelings are fleeting. It is at the tip of my tongue to announce and declare but I only hold back because I am afraid I will look foolish if the situation changes. I have never held back so I am going to dance around this a little bit and keep my words less than definitive. I feel like I am done with sex. 

I have not come to this lightly. I have not come to this recently but I feel like it has somehow been cemented recently. I dont like it. I dont want to feel like this. I have such great memories of how good I can feel having sex and how the fantasies and sex talk and build up and the after glow and all the goodness  of sex. The intensity of the submission! I could spend hours talking about how beautiful and amazing submission is. But it feels like that it no longer suits me. I feel like I am not the same person I once was allowing a man to dominate me feels uncomfortable and foreign to me. I can not get into the same headspace. 

My friend who has seen me at the height of my sexual intensity and now see me questioning if I even want to pursue sex with anyone reminds me to be gentle with myself. She reminds me how this past year without D has been like grieving a partner that died, because he just disappeared. And what I think is more devastating that loosing someone to something like death is being left in limbo and not knowing what is happening and where they are. His behavior is unforgivable - or at least that's how I feel right now. I feel like I dont know if I can ever really recover from that damage. It is like he changed me on a cellular level. I hate to give him that power but he was my everything for so long and sex just does not feel good because I dont feel connected to anyone and I have zero desire. 

I have been having crazy vivid sex dreams the last week and I know my body needs sex. So I reach out to the neighbor. I have no excitement of his visit. I just feel numb. I just wish I could lay with my back to him and him just fuck me from behind like that.  I do not want to suck his dick. I do. It was alright but it was just a functional thing to get me where we needed to go. We fuck and it felt good for the most part but not great. There was no sexual feeling. It was just mechanical. He was talking a lot which I did not mind because I was just so over the whole thing, but he finishes and that is that. I was more excited to talk with him while he was cleaning up and getting dressed than I was fuck him. 

I did pre-game a bit before he came over. I made myself cum twice. Which was great because that was out of the way. I have not even done that in months. And again I only did it because of these ridiculous dreams where I wake up moving like Im fucking someone. SMFH. 

My friend, reminds me that I have had a really particularly difficult few months. I can not even begin to stress that enough. It has been difficult for me but sometimes Im afraid if I stop to acknowledge and think about how challenging it has been that I will crumble. 

Ive been working 3 jobs since Feb 1st and I just let go of one of the jobs. The project was ending in the next 3 weeks and I can not continue to commit the time needed to it so I need to pull the plug on it. I feel a little bit more settled that I do not have that 3rd obligation, but my daughter's health and for a few weeks my health was so bad it really took a toll on me. Then there was the $3300 plumbing repair last week. Which was a follow up to the $300 plumbing issue we had the week before. 

It feels like my kids need me more than ever and that they want to spend time with me. And for me that feels good and I like taking care of them and being right next to them. At night when I need some alone time I often find all 3 of my kids are all less than 10 feet from me. They find comfort in me and I in them. We feel very much like a team. And even though I never wanted to be a single mom I feel like I have embraced and enjoyed leading my team and I am proud of my work. 

So my mind is on all these other things and sex just seems so insignificant. And there is no desire, no lust. What's the point? I sometimes think I would not mind having a conversation with someone but even that seems like too much of a task. Life is easier when I keep my contacts to a minimal. 

The Anniversery

 D has been on my mind the last few days. I think maybe because April 2024 was the last time I saw him. It has really been a year since I have been with him and that fact makes me sad. I have a lot of these thoughts in my car when I am alone. I try to work through what it is I am missing about him and it is not a clear answer. There is so much I do not miss. I do not miss feeling the constant anxiety about our relationship. I do not miss feeling like I have to perform sexually in order to receive love. I do not miss never knowing what his next step was going to be. But I do miss the intimacy we had. I miss being naked and free and not holding back anything with my body. I miss the way he took charge and loved my body and the way he accepted me. I miss that aspect of our relationship that allowed me to be seen as someone other than a mother. He never saw me as a mother. He always so me as his lover and our conversations were never about kids. And when I say never I should say in the first 21 years it was just us, in the last year it was about the meshing of our lives and children. I miss that level of freedom with another person. Also, and this is oddly specific but the comfort level with our bodies was such that if I was ill and unable to physically clean myself I would be comfortable with him helping me with that. And it would not have felt weird and it would not have ruined out sex life. It would have been very matter of fact and then we move on. And that is the kind of intimacy I miss. All in all it is a small price to pay for the peace that I now have in life. When I say I have peace, I mean that I have never known a relaxed state of mind that I currently feel. It if fucking amazing. Im not angry, I dont feel nervous about the relationship. I am not trying to plan us blending our families. I am just cool. Life is easy for the most part. I feel content and happy the majority of the time. I LOVE not living with a man and dont ever want to do it again. 

I was going to invite New D over but I just want the sex and no real talking and I dont want him to stay long. I have not been able to work that into a conversation yet but to me it is clear he will not be able to meet my needs in terms of a relationship but there is no reason we should not be fucking. 

And my life has been busy this year. The 3 jobs, the vacation, the virus from hell, my daughter's illness has left little time to think about sex. Very little time. I want to have sex now but realistically there is a low chance I can make that happen with my schedule. Most of the time this feeling will pass so we will see if I just ignore it if it will go away. 

The Shift

 We finally got discharged from the hospital. It is so good to be home. JF is still in town and continues to be around. It is so nice to have him around to help. The kids wanted to go to see the Minecraft Movie and I asked him to take the kids because I needed to catch up on work. He did not feel well (which I know because he has been staying in the hospital all week and they wake my daughter up every 2 hours for breathing treatments and during the day he has been doing some work things). We were both exhausted but I did pressure him a bit to do it. I feel for him but for the last 3 years I have done it all by myself and he has had that time off. While I did lay the guilt on a little bit he still did it and for that I was so grateful. I just needed to some time alone, time to work and time to decompress and my kids needed something fun to take their mind off a difficult week. I did pay for tickets and the Panera order after because his "money is low". I understand and Im not mad about that. He did thank me for the day and I thanked him for being there for me and the kids. And let him know how much we all love him being around. 

I feel good about this shift in our relationship. I feel like we have reconnected in a way that is so positive for our children. I dont feel so alone in taking care of the kids, I dont feel so burdened with everything. Im not sure if he will ever understand how important he presence in his children's and my life it. You just cant create a family and not leave a gaping hole when you disappear. 

My daughter is doing well. Recovery is slow, she is tired and working on her stamina but we are getting there. I am thinking she will go to school for maybe a 1/2 day tomorrow and life will get back to normal. 

1st Love

Its been a week. My youngest has been not well for weeks with a lingering cough and then we got a horrible flu like virus which spurred her to get pneumonia. So we have been in the hospital since Monday. I have had some eye opening experiences. 

First, as we were walking to the Pediatric Wing we passed two black men in the hallway. They were some type of janitorial employees. As I walked passed them I thought I would fuck them and as we passed they started talking in what I can only explain as the sweetest sound of island vernacular that I have heard in some time. It was a sexual burst through my body. Not only did I look back but I wanted to fuck so badley in that momnet. And then I thought to myself. My sex problem is maybe just about me not having what I want. I am the type of person who would rather go without then have something that I do not love. My therapist said I have a "very black and white way of thinking". I think about how this shows up in my life other than sex. Food. For example, these few days I have been in the hospital I have not been drinking my favorite pick me up, Dr. Pepper, because if I can not have an ultra chilled can of Dr. Pepper from my fridge that keeps it at the right temp then I dont want it. I dont want a dull fountain soda, or a pugent plastic bottle. I would rather just skip it all together and have it when I get home.  Clothes are this way too. If the clothes dont fit perfectly and feel the way I need them to then I can not do it. I dont even try to do. For this reason my clothes are sometimes not up to date and well worn. 

At my core, I love men with an accent. My first love is the island accent but other accents will do it for me too. I just need an island man to put it on me. I think thats what I am missing. Im not convinced that I dont want sex I think I would just rather not have then have dick that does not meet my needs. Is there a website to meet island men for this reason? My girlfriend tells me I need to go to Jamica. I told her I will fuck around and come home with a STD. I can imagine I would not be able to control myself there. I just dont know where I meet a 50 year old carribean man with a big dick. I thought I had it with that one guy from the summer but after our last fuck I am done with him. He knows it too because he has not called me. 

So then there is JF. Monday night I stayed at the hospital with my daughter and Felix came Tuesday at 1pm. He came in the room and walked up to me and put his hands up for a hug. I said "oh ok we hugging. You have not talked to me 3 years but we are hugging now" as i stood up to hug him. And I leaned into it. I let myself hug him and suck all the intamacy I needed from it. There is no tenstion between us, which makes me happy because if there was he would not have been able to stay here with my daughter. I would not stress her out with that. But it was easy as it always has been between us and I felt so good about that. He spent the night last night so I could get some sleep and I relieved him this morning and he is coming back tonight to stay while I go home to sleep again. We are working well together and for the first time in YEARS I feel like I have someone who is invested in these children. We were talking to our daughter last night about when she was a baby that her dad was in charge of taking care of her everynight so I could sleep. We all laughed. It was good to reminisce and have my daughter see how we can laugh together. 

Lost

 So much in me has changed in the last year. I think about how little I have thought about sex in the last few months and how little my body craves it. The moments where my body does crave it are fleeting and are easily washed away with little effort. Im not sure what has happened here. I am a little bit perplexed and I dont quite know how to fit it in to my identity. For so long I have seen myself as a sexual person and someone who loves sex. And now I would not describe myself as that. 

Is is perimenopause? Is it the continual hurt at the hands of D? Is it just maturing and finding more self-confidence? I really can not put my finger on it. Maybe it is the combination of it all, a perfect storm. I would be lying if I did not say that I was a little bit lost in this new world. 

For the last 3 months I have occupied my time with work. And having three jobs has really done a lot to eat up my free time, but as I prepare for my 3rd job to wind down as it is temporary I am nervous as to where to put my extra free time. I am nervous that I might a man's company. And on a logical level in a clear mind I am really not ever feeling like seeing a man, or talking to a man, or being close to a man. But what if my body starts to crave that. Can I go back to compartmentalizing men to just dick and just tolerate the rest of them? Im not sure. I have never in my life felt quite like this. 

My friend often asks me if I think if D will reach back out to me. I dont think about D too often. He does creep into my mind sometimes but for the most part he not part of my everyday mindset. I do not think he will reach back out to me. And if he does reach back out to me it will be some kind of end of life love profession that he feels like he needs to share before he leaves this earth. I know that D loved me deeply as I did him. For whatever reason he felt like whatever he was dealing with was so big, so emotionally scary for him he could only disappear without talking about it. I wish I could say he would want to know about his daughter and would reach out about her, but that is not likely. He does not seem to have any strong connections to her nor her to him. 

Of course if I am wrong I will be running here to share it all because no one in my life could understand it more than the people who read these pages and who have been sharing this journey with me over the years. 

So I am going to wait and see if some kind of feelings kick off and I want to have sex. Yesterday and today I have been craving food and I thought "I wonder when I am going to get my period", I had to check that app and my period is due tomorrow. So I went through a whole cycle with out feeling that intense desire to fucked. I dont think that has ever happened. 

I both worried and relieved. Not a slave to sex but a freed slave with no purpose anymore. I feel lost. 

Fired Up

 I forgot to mention in my last post the following. I felt like it needed to be said. Part of what I enjoyed on vacation was the lack of Americans. I know that is harsh and as an American I do not feel pride about the people that make up this place. We all know I love a man from any country but this one but turns out I like all people from other countries more than I like Americans. I dont say that to hurt egos but more to call out Americans and remind them that there are other ways of existing. The American dream and the American way of life are not the only way and in fact may not be the better way. Just food for thought. 

This morning I woke up at 3am for my typical middle of the night wake and for some reason I auto-pilot check my email. And I see an email that I missed from earlier from the court officer for the wage garnishment of D letting me know they received their first payment from his employer. This gave me a shot of euphoria because there is nothing I love more than the thought of that fucktard thinking about me every single time he looks at his paycheck. It was a great feeling. 

So this afternoon JF said he will come to see the kids. He shows up at 7pm and stands outside to talk to the kids. My daughter invites him in, he stays outside. I text him to tell him to come in and he does not. He calls me and asks me how the vacation was and I talk to him about it and share with him. I ask him if he responded to the court about the child support. He says he is not paying child support. I remind him he can go to jail. He says he will just leave the country and so on. He says he will pay me but he is not going through the court. I remind him again that he had that chance already and he chose to ignore me and not support me and not talk to the kids and pretty much a complete dead beat for the last year so that chance is over. I told him I will not drop the case, he said we will talk about that later. Meanwhile my kids are outside with him and I look out the window and they are throwing rocks and his dumb ass is standing right there like he cant see that they are throwing rocks. I cant even get mad. I just smh at this fool. 

I take a short drive so I can talk to my mom about this interaction. I say to mom what the fuck is wrong with me that I let these men get away with so much. It is not even in my character to let some  bullshit slide so why did I let them get away with so much. I am frustrated with myself for how I let myself be led by these utter fucking fools. And now I have lumped in all men in this category but with everything in my soul I can NEVER go back to a place where I feel the way I did about D or JF. I lost myself and I dont know what I was hoping to get but I never did get it JF and D I would only have the connection I craved sometimes. It was just enough to keep me salivating for more. I knew all the factors needed to create the bliss were there but it was an absolute guessing game as to when, how and the duration of that connection.

I have this app on my phone where everyday I (or as often as I remember) I log what I am grateful for and today I am grateful that hard part of my life when I was chasing a deep connection that never got fulfilled is over. I am grateful I have learned to stand alone and in peace and that no one can take away the things I have done in my life and diminish me. In particular the two men in my life who have not succeeded in anyway in life can not define if I have a good day or my level of stress.

I am listening to my "good music" playlist as I write this and how appropriate as I end my thoughts tonight Helen Reddy's "I am Woman" is playing. 

Contentment

 Yesterday I returned from Puerto Rico. I spent the week with my children and my exhusband and his fiancé. It was very nice. I really cant complain about anything. It was so nice to be able to take my kids on a nice vacation. Thanks to my working 3 jobs I was able to work that out.  The travel back damm near killed me. It is just a lot of mental stamina needed to sit still all day and keep intrusive thoughts about our plane dropping out of the sky is a lot.  I had a couple of thoughts from my week out of the stress and business of my regular week. 

First, the walk through the San Juan Airport made me horny. The smell of the men (they smelled good) and the men all just looked good to me. I would have loved a quick fucking in an airport bathroom stall but these things dont happen in real life, just porn videos.  I would have also would have been up for a quick fuck in the hotel room with just about anyone of the men I saw there but you know children make that impossible and it was not that kind of vibe there. Or at least that was the feeling I was getting. 

I also noticed in my endless amount of time to think about all the men in my life, I think about D and I smile and think positively about all the good dick but I do not miss him. I definitely feel so much more at peace in my life with him out of my life. My only regret is that I could not have ended because it needed to stop. 

I dont miss men in my life. I just dont feel a longing to share my life with a man. Maybe when my kids are older I will feel a little bit lonely but I am not thinking so. I revel this contentment in my life. It is amazing. 

My body is ready for a fuck though. I think I am going to call the neighbor. I talked to Big D about coming over but we left up in that air and I am not really feeling like talking. Like I  would just want him to come over for an hour and leave and Im not sure if he is up for that. It just seems easier to fuck the neighbor. 

Feeling Nothing

I made plans with the neighbor last week because I knew my body needed sex. My mind and spirit did not want it but I knew my body was craving it. I was in the shower when he arrived and by the time I came out of the shower he was naked with a semi hard dick. I come out with a towel on and bend over to suck his dick. He eventually turns me around and fucks me from behind. I was loving it. My body really did need it and I was quickly in a zone. At one point I got on my side and he was behind me and he reached around and grabbed my pussy from the front and I dont know what it was about this move but it kicked me up a notch. The whole thing lasted about 25 minutes, he came inside of me and I felt amazing. He left and I got ready for work and headed out. It is the ideal situation. We have been fucking like this for 5 years now. 

Then Big D reached out to me. We eventually agreed on meeting up last night. Saturday at 7. Now deep down in my soul I had zero expectation that he would show up but I was willing to give him a try. He always runs late and last night was not different. We agreed on 7. He showed up at 8:40p. How do I have 3 jobs, 3 kids and still manage to be respectful of other peoples time. It was on the tip of tongue to cancel but I did want some dick but I was anxious about his visit. I went to cancel so many times but I did not. When he walked in I did not feel anything. I said "let sit down stairs for awhile". I was trying to see how I would feel when we talk and reconnect. We had good conversation but during the conversation I knew I was not feeling anything but I moved the night upstairs because I wanted the dick. Now because he was almost 2 hours late I was almost asleep when we were fucking. From what I remember it was good but I dont remember much. We fell asleep. I woke up at 7:40a and he is sleeping. I dont know if I can articulate just how unhappy I was about this. The visual of this man - who I do not love- in my bed, sleeping like he belonged there made me mad. I woke him up and said "you got to go". I was not rude just matter of fact. I have things to do and kids were up or waking up. I dont want him in my real life. After that I am pretty sure I dont ever want to see another man asleep in bed. Big D ruined what I did feel for him. He had so much potential. We are very compatible and I like talking to him but when he switched up and stopped talking to me because he "was stressed" I just thought to myself I am not doing this shit with anyone else. D and no Big D have left me feeling like men cannot be trusted with my affection. Im done. I might fuck him again but that has to be a day time thing for like and hour and then he has to bounce. 

Just thinking back on it I would have rathered spent the evening scrolling tik too and sleeping early. 

Amazing

 It's been a month of celibacy, by choice. I cannot believe the change in my level of contentment from this year from what it was last year. I feel whole and content and at peace with where I am for the first time in my life. I dont feel like an animal in heat. I just feel good. 

I dont feel like I have so much to say but I just wanted to update everyone. I am working non-stop and it is so good for my mental health. Currently no man is on my mind and I am just making money and getting shit done. I love this state of mind. 

Be Careful of Me

So Big D has not been keeping up with me like I need him to. I have noticed his distance. He tells me he has not lost interest but his actions say something different. I don't love him but I do like him and I just wanted to have sex with him. Primarily because the sex is really good and he makes me feel good when I am with him. But this monogamy that I have been participating, although voluntary, has been making me too dependent on him. And then I feel like I need him. This is where the problem comes into play. If I need him and he does not give me the attention I want then I feel rejected and anxious. And it is not a normal amount of anxiety. It is crippling anxiety. My body give me cues that I need sex but not always in the way that I expect. Sometimes I feel it in my pussy, it aches for stretching and and it craves something in it. Othertimes it is a sense of just wanting to be touched but something that is kind of a new discovery for me is my body will just feel a chaotic storm of emotions. I can not articulate what it is, I can not tie the feeling to an event but it is so uncomfortable. I try so many things to make it stop. It does not feel like sexual repression and I am not sure if it is sexually rooted or if it is more of something that gives me comfort. Like having sex, be it good or bad, will give my mind the mental break it needs. 

So as Big D has been distant I have had this increase in anxiety and stress. Again I am left lingering to figure out if it is me. Today the anxiety was so intense I really had to take a deep dive into how to relieve it. I thought about and edible but that takes like 2+ hours to feel and it is not always the right type of relief. I thought about sugar or food and that was not working for me. I laid in my bed and spent sometime just breathing but the anxiety would not quit. I finally said I am just going to call some dick. I did not know if it would work but I was willing to give it a whirl. I called the Jamaican I saw over the summer. His dick is average size the sex was not bad. It is not fantastic but it would do what I needed it to. He was not available when I called but he said I could come to his place this evening. I told him I would think about it. 

The anxiety kept rising and it took everything it me to get into the shower and get in the car. Once I was in the car, I put on my music and enjoyed the ride. I was nervous once I got to his house and when I go in it was a very quick pants off dick out and lets fuck. This was EXACTLY what I was looking for. I did not want anything else. We fucked for about 40 minutes with a few minute break in there like 2x. He was fucking me and pulled it out and missed on the re-entry. It really hurt! Hurt in a bad way. That kind of killed it for me. We fucked for some more but I said I was done, that my pussy hurt and I was going to go. It hurt not all that bad after a few minutes but I was done. I got what I needed and I did not care to much about him cumming. And frankly I dont know what was taking him so long to come. Fuck man read the room and come already. I got up to get dressed and he was trying to "sweet talk" me into "one more round".  He was not aggressive in anyway but what I thought about if I give him a firm no was he going to let me leave this house. I thought about the exit of the house and how it would go down if this man did not want to let me leave. As a PSA to all men, I am a women who has not been a victim of rape or violence but I am on a primary level still afraid to make a man mad. I did relent and let him hit it one more round and then I quickly gathered myself and bounced. He did walk me to my car which was nice but I really wanting to get out of there. 

So this man owns a home and has been out of work for awhile because he was injured in a car accident.  But he has been ok. So he has had like 3 months of not working and his house looks like a fucking train wreck. I can not even really articulate what the problem is. Someplaces were clean-ish but there was a lot of stuff everywhere. And the residual smells of ethnic cooking. I was getting the dick and my thought was I am going to have to wash my hair tonight to get his smell off of me. I never in my life want to smell an immigrants food in my house again as long as I live. So I just thought what does he think when he comes to my house? My house is clean but sometimes cluttered with the kids shit but compared to his house my house looks like I hit with some showroom shine. I was just disgusted a little bit and thought to myself I dont like being in a mans space. I could have went my whole life with out seeing how he lives. 

The anxiety has left me for tonight and I feel like ripping the band-aid off of ending the monogamy has released the pressure I felt building in my body. As I drove home and listened to Cardi B I felt like a mother fucking beast! It was like a mental reset for me. I hate that dick is so important for me. I dont want to be 60 years old looking for a hard cock to calm me down. I need to figure this out. 

As for Big D, I dont know where that is going go but I dont feel so desperate for his attention. I did get on Tinder for a hot minute yesterday but I got tired of of the same fucking shit men say and I just wanted to be done with it. 

Cardi B - Be Careful (These lyrics hit me tonight)

Yeah
Be careful, be careful, be careful with me, uh
Yeah, look

I wanna get married, like the Currys, Steph and Ayesha shit
But we more like Belly, Tommy and Keisha shit
Gave you TLC, you wanna creep and shit
Poured out my whole heart to a piece of shit
Man, I thought you would've learned your lesson
'Bout likin' pictures, not returnin' texts
I guess it's fine, man, I get the message
You still stutter after certain questions
You keep in contact with certain exes
Do you, though, trust me, nigga, it's cool, though
Said that you was workin', but you're out here chasin' culo
And putas, chillin' poolside, livin' two lives
I could've did what you did to me to you a few times
But if I did decide to slide, find a nigga
Fuck him, suck his dick, you would've been pissed
But that's not my M.O., I'm not that type of bitch
And karma for you is gon' be who you end up with
You make me sick, nigga

The only man, baby, I adore
I gave you everything, what's mine is yours
I want you to live your life of course
But I hope you get what you dyin' for
Be careful with me, do you know what you doin'?
Whose feelings that you hurtin' and bruisin'?
You gon' gain the whole world
But is it worth the girl that you're losin'?
Be careful with me
Yeah, it's not a threat, it's a warnin'
Be careful with me
Yeah, my heart is like a package with a fragile label on it
Be careful with me

Care for me, care for me
Always said that you'd be there for me, there for me
Boy, you better treat me carefully, carefully, look

I was here before all of this
Guess you actin' out now, you got an audience
Tell me where your mind is, drop a pin, what's the coordinates?
You might have a fortune, but you lose me, you still gon' be misfortunate, nigga
Tell me, this love's got you this fucked up in the head
You want some random bitch up in your bed?
She don't even know your middle name, watch her 'cause she might steal your chain
You don't want someone who loves you instead? I guess not though
It's blatant disrespect, you nothin' like the nigga I met
Talk to me crazy and you quick to forget
You even got me trippin', you got me lookin' in the mirror different
Thinkin' I'm flawed because you inconsistent
Between a rock and a hard place, the mud and the dirt
It's gon' hurt me to hate you, but lovin' you's worse
It all stops so abrupt, we start switchin' it up
Teach me to be like you so I can not give a fuck
Free to mess with someone else, I wish these feelings could melt
'Cause you don't care about a thing except your mothafuckin' self
You make me sick, nigga

The only man, baby, I adore
I gave you everything, what's mine is yours
I want you to live your life of course
But I hope you get what you dyin' for
Be careful with me, do you know what you doin'?
Whose feelings that you're hurtin' and bruisin'? 
You gon' gain the whole world
But is it worth the girl that you're losin'?
Be careful with me
Yeah, it's not a threat, it's a warnin'
Be careful with me
Yeah, my heart is like a package with a fragile label on it
Be careful with me

Turning the Page

 About 2 months ago I spent a few minutes talking to a physic about D. She told me so very adamantly that he would call me before the year was out. I took solace in this. This claim gave me peace when I needed it. However I already knew that suing him would not bode well for my need for closure. He in fact did not call me before the end of the year. I think I let that sink in yesterday. I allowed myself to have some feelings about it and all in all I was ok. I knew when I filed it that suing him would put a nail in the coffin between us. And while he had all the control that was my way of taking my control back. At the end of the day he did what he felt he needed to do and I did what I felt that I needed to. And that was that. And I am reminded of a line from Shakespeare that I was deeply connected to when I was in school studying it. At that time of innocence I felt like this spoke to me but I never knew why but today, almost 29 years later I feel this in my spirit. I remember reading it for the first time it like it was yesterday.

                "....for there never was a story of more woe then that of Juliet and her Romeo"

I must say overall I am really pleased with where I am starting 2025 mentally, physically, spiritually. I feel so free from the angst and uneasiness D kept me in. I can not remember where I heard this and I might be only getting part of the saying but somewhere I read or heard that a tactic for keeping people you are in power over is too keep them confused and to never let them know your next move. D had this done to a lifestyle. Not only have I been so accustomed to this kind of sporadic behavior I started to believe this was normal. It was life as I knew it. I dont think in consdiently intended to keep me guessing at all times and give me just enough love to string me along but I think he lives in a state of disfunction. This disfunction permeated my life. 

So Big D...Last week I was so horny. It was the week before my period and I swear I just felt like I could have fucked anything. The neighbor was away on vacation or I would have been fucking him. I see my sex drive is back and it is so intense. I had not planned on seeing Big D during the holidays because this was just a time for family for me and well I like some separation of church and state so to speak. But as I spent Christmas Eve at my Mom's house I was overcome with the need to fuck. We spend the entirety of the day there. Around 4 o'clock my sister and her kids were going to church and my kids wanted to see what Catholic Church was like so they went. I took everyone to church in my minivan and then I promptly went home and spend the next 45 minutes watching porn and making myself cum. Afterwards, I told Big D I needed to see him tonight. He came over about 10pm. 

I wish Big D would sometimes just put his dick in my mouth and let us talk later in the time we have together. I feel like he struggles to assert himself this ways and lets me warm up and talk and I dont hate that the second he walks in he not got his dick down my throat but seriously sometimes I need him to press on. He does in his own way. I think when he has had enough talking he knows how to touch me to make me lose my train of thought. 

I told him he needed to fuck me from the back, in fact, I popped up on my knees and said get behind me and fuck me. And it was more like me fucking him. I could not get enough of grinding on his dick. I was intensely fucking him. I needed his dick so bad and I was so grateful he came over tonight when I told him I needed him to come by. The sex was amazing but I have not been able to squirt the last few times we have fucked because he has been here when the kids are here. They block my ability to get deep into the zone. I am hoping I get more comfortable soon. 

I still cant get over how his dick is so big and he never is hurting me like D was. D was hurting me in a bad way a lot. I dont know if it was just too much force putting it in or lack of awareness but he was such a caveman in so many ways. Now fucking a man with a caveman spirit is not all together bad. It has so many benefits, but one drawback he just did not seem to care how I felt. He did not seem to notice if I was not enjoying it or not. He just always assumed I was. 

I have not seen Big D since the 24th, but we made a plan for him to come over Sunday, so I am looking forward to that. I really like Big D. I am not in love with him and I dont know where things will go. I noticed before my period I was very needy and wanted more of his attention and now that I have my period I dont really want to be bothered with conversations on the phone but I do look forward to seeing him. The hormones are intense. I can not stress enough that it is hard to know where I begin and end and where the hormones begin and end. They are both part of me but not me at all in so many ways. 

Physically I am feeling really good. The fatigue that has plagued me for the last 2 years or so has really eased up. It is like night and day and I am starting to ask myself if it all started when D and I started our season of monogamy. I have lost 50lbs now and I am looking forward to losing more. Mentally I feel at peace and content almost all of the time. The times when I  struggle are most certainly  hormone related and I just have to wait those out. 

I have been a little more open about not being monogamous with Big D. The only reason being is that sometimes I want to have sex and he is not here and can not come here. I just feel like if you want me to be monogamous you have to put in the work to make sure you are here when I need it. He did respond promptly on Christmas Eve when I told him I needed it so I give him that. Maybe I will communicate better about what I need before I open up the team again.  

Happy New Year. I am excited to see what this year brings to these pages. 

Default

 What a difference a year can make! I think about where I was mentally and physically this time last year and my life looks very different. I think it is noticeably better and more fulfilling. Mentally I feel strong. Emotionally I feel strong. I dont feel like a weak women waiting for a man to give me what I need. I feel like I am in my own place in life where I make the choices that are best for me and not take the shit that men are willing to give me. 

Big D came over the other day. We hung out downstairs for awhile, maybe two hours or so. The kids were in and out of the room. My daughter was comfortable talking to me in front of him (the oldest). This is quite different than what I have anticipated. My children have no issues with him being here, at least not that they have said. They are usually very vocal about everything so I would imagine they would tell me. They always told me if they did or did not like D being here. 

We eventually went up stairs but we just laid in bed for the longest time talking. Legs intertwined, naked, and just touching and talking. I felt so loved. Something that I have not felt in such a long time. We did ended up having sex. It was just regular sex with not much to tell but at one point he did have to firmly tell me to "Be quiet". We then fell asleep. When I woke up my body felt calm and peaceful. It was like I could physically tell that my body had been held and touched all night and it eased my nerves. It was an intense contentment, if such a paradox could exist. I had to get up to take care of the kids and get them off to school and he had to go as well so there was no time for morning sex but I was satisfied on such a deep level. 

I did have my court hearing with D. He did not show. I did not feel nervous to see him if he did show up. I did not feel anything at all. This was just another day of me taking care of business but when I heard our names called in court and I stood up and identified myself and said "Plaintiff" I just felt so fucking powerful. So many years of crawling at this mans feet has led me to this moment and you could feel the power in my voice. I received a default judgement and then filled out the paperwork to have his wages garnished. Now I just need to take care of the other legal matters with JF. 

I find myself thinking about Big D a lot still. I quietly notice some things about myself and how I react to normal things in a way that reveals my trauma responses. I am quietly talking myself out of these responses.  I imagine these negative feelings washing over me like a wave and I watch them recede from me as easily as they came to me. I try to remind myself that Big D is not D. And I do my best to move away from the patterns of a co-dependent relationship. Big D has done nothing at all to raise a red flag to me. I keep thinking about all the months I have been talking to him. I can not think of anything. At this point in my life I have trouble trusting my own instincts, but I am working on it. 

I did have a weak moment the other day where I almost had sex with the neighbor. More like if he was home I would have. He is out of town for the holidays so that worked out. I dont want to have sex with anyone else but there is just not enough time in the day for me to get the sex I want when I am not living with someone. And my sex drive is BACK. Over the the summer and September and October and November I did not feel the intense sex cravings like I always have but they seem to be back. The feeling that I need dick like I need air is indeed back. I forgot how intense it can be. I dont hate that it is back but it is just something else I need to learn to work with again. I dont think Big D understands what I mean when I say I need to have sex. I dont mean the next day or the weekend, I mean I need it like in the next few hours. I want him to get in the car and drive right to me when I feel like that, but he is an adult with obligations so I guess I can not expect that everytime. 

I am almost tempted to read my blog from a year ago, but I hesitate. I dont want to feel those feelings again. I dont want to get caught up in it. I just want to leave behind. 

Who is that fucking me?

 The Moroccan man texted me yesterday. I have his name in my phone but Im not sure if that is even his real name at this point. A few years ago he caught me on the right day and we agreed I would blindfold myself and wait for him in my bedroom and he would come fuck me and leave and I would never know his face or who he really was. This added extra excitement for me because we lived in the same town and used the same grocery store. And so I would never know if the man looking at me in the store was him. We did this 2 or 3 times in my house. Then we did it in the car a couple time because I could not get alone time at home. Two moments of this short lived experience stood out to me. 

The first time we were fucking, I was completely naked, on my knees on my bed with him pulling my arms behind me with each thrust. His dick is average at best but in this moment he felt amazing. It was all the passion and vigor he was putting into this fuck and I could feel the intensity. It was one of the highlights of the sex video feed that plays in my head during quiet moments. The other one was in the car, I am not sure if we had fucked a little or not but I know my panties were off and he was touching me and blindfolded he leaned into me and kissed me. He kissed me so gently and sensually, I orgasmed from the kissing. And if you have read this blog at all you know I do not love kissing. But this was was incredible. It made tears come to my eyes and orgasm. It was incredible. Even thinking about it today I am torn as to if I can have that moment back. 

Sometimes these moments of incredible sexual energy and exploration can never be recreated but part of me wants to try. He suggests to me we just meet to kiss and touch. This makes me smile because that will make me beg him to penetrate me. There is no way he can kiss me like he did and me not want him inside of me.  Part of me wants to see him to see if the spark is still there, if the experience still thrills me like it did and part of me wants to not mess with perfection. I dont think he could ever top how he made me feel that night in the car with his mouth and touch. 

I also have been shutting down the team because my intention is to try to see just Big D at this point. I dont want to be fenced in but I also dont want to see anyone else right now. It is all fluid in my mind. I can go only react to how I feel right now and try to make choices that align with my current state of mind. 

Big D and I were talking about seeing each other last night. I ended up saying "Not tonight" as I was not sure that I was in the mood for company. Come a certain hour of the day I am really down with any idea of entertaining anyone. And that is really about 5pm for me now. We talked about today but he is not feeling well. I am really horny. I am horny like if I had a team member I could go see right now for some good dick I would be there. 

I have court on Thursday for the law suit with D. I doubt he will show up but we will see. I dont really have many feelings about it other than I wish I would have done it sooner. 

No Obligations

 Big D has been on my mind a lot lately. Way more than he needs to be. Saturday I was feeling spicy. I was not in the mood for sex per se, but I really wanted some adult company. I had spent the day doing kid activities and by 5p I just wanted to spend time with an adult, him in particular. So we talked about what we should do. Should we go out? And neither one of us wanted to go out. His kids at his house and my kids at my house. We ended up he would come here and we would just hang out. This meant I would need to talk to my kids about him coming over and also that D and I were not together any more. I have been procrastinating on this...just in case, but I think that is over and I think I have accepted that. 

So I tell my kids that he is coming over and no one cares but the youngest who excitedly asks me "what country is he from"? This made me laugh so much. This girl knows my type. He met her and he was comfortable and polite and it was good. We had intended on hanging out in the living room but my daughter wanted to lay on the couch so we went up stairs to "watch tv". 

We really ended up laying in bed with clothes on talking for a few hours. And then we turned the tv on to muffle the sound of him fucking me with his giant fucking cock. You know what I appreciate more than anything is the way he cares for my body. Fucking D was like an extreme sport and left my body battered. But Big D, even with his bigger dick does not hurt me, but I feel it in all the best ways. He left about 2am and I went to sleep. I did not want him to leave but I was anxious and afraid that my kids might need me in the middle of the night. Above all I want to make sure my babies dont need me and I am not there for them. So he left at 2am. 

We made plans for him to come over today. I worked from home. We laid in bed, we talked, we fucked, we took a ride and talked. It was good. I like being with him. 

But here is the big news. While he is fucking me he asks me if "this pussy is just his". I try not to answer him because I feel like this is a bullshit question to be asking me and I say "we are not talking about this now" and smile with him. Now I do not want to have sex with anyone else. I dont get  on dating apps, I dont have interest in anyone else, but I hate to be fenced in. I dont want to feel like I cant have sex with someone if I wanted to. I want monogamy the comes from desire not from obligation. So when we are done fucking I tell him just that. I tell him I dont talk to anyone else and I am not seeing anyone else and I dont want to but I want the option. I dont want to feel like I cant if I dont really want to. He does not take these words bad. He is kinda just listening to me talk. I ask him what he thinks about what I said, I can not remember his exact words but it was something like, ok that's seems to be part of you and that he liked me. Im not sure what that means but I feel good I was able to articulate that while monogamy is not off the table but that I am not in a place to where I feel like I would want to say I will not entertain other dick. But lately I do not want it. So we will see how that progresses. 

It was a long day of fucking and I am exhausted. But I felt like I had to get this off my chest. 

Here we are

 Here we are December of 2024. Just one year ago D and I were tight as ever, he was actively planning on moving in the next month and talked about how he would want me to take his name when we got married. Over the weekend I did file a lawsuit against him and my ex and then I have the child support case. I am feeling pretty good about it all. I feel like I finally have been able to stand up after so many years of crawling. I think I have made my peace with D. I dont know how I will feel in the future but for the last few weeks I have been trending in the right direction. It is always 3 steps forward, 1 step back. Healing and grieving is not linear and when I am sad I try to let it come to me and wash over me and then I let go again. 

When I spoke to the pychic a few weeks ago she gave me this "manifestation" prayer (for lack of a better term). I think that it says a lot that I was like no thanks that is not for me. While I miss him and want closure I dont know if I want him back in my life. I dont think he is really gone forever either. Maybe he is but I dont think so. Either way I dont feel like his slave anymore and I hope to God I can keep that energy when he does show up again. Pray for me!

Big D (the new interest in my life) has been fine. I have not seen him. I have been in a really bad mood because I have my period and I have found that everything he does or does not do gets on my nerves when I have my period. For example: Text me not enough, text me too much, not answering the phone, answering the phone and there is too much background noise, saying things that might imply that he is not a feminist. I notice he has a light touch when I have my period and probably for good reason. I know I have said it here a million times these periods are not joke lately and I just dont know why the entirety of a women's life needs to be hormone rollercoaster. I had to leave work the other day I felt so bad because of my period. I was sitting at my desk doing almost nothing and I was like I cannot sit here any longer, I must lay down on a heating pad. 

So, the other night after I had taken my Ambien, I "broke up" with the Neighbor. I would never have the confidence to do that had I not been in the semi-conscience state Ambien produces, but I told him I just wanted to have sex with Big D for now. He was cool and did not do that begging. I hate the pressure and trying to get me to do it. I had not even remembered that I did it until a few days later. But I feel good about that. The Neighbor and I have been fucking since the pandemic, but I just was not feeling it anymore. I might pick it back up again but not right now. 

There was this guy that I kind of had written off, he was the one I took the day off of work to spend time with and he fucked me and bounced. He reached out to me again and we were FaceTiming. I do like him. What I have noticed with him is that he is one person on the phone and very different in person. On the phone he says all the right things and is so charismatic and the sex is good but he is just a little awkward in person. Im not throwing stones I know that I can be too. But he perked up my interest a little bit with our conversation the other day. 

Trust Fall

He showed up. I was nervous about that. I hate to admit it to myself but D had me too fucked up to even understand that was a problem. He text me the "Im On my way!" text and before I knew it he was here. Today's vibe, a little bit different than last week. Not bad by any means but different. First let me start with I was hyper today. I dont know what got into me but I was needing a lot of mental stimulation today. I wanted to talk a lot, I also wanted to move around in the down time but I also enjoyed hanging out in the bed. He came in and we just go upstairs because why not that is where we want to be anyway. I was wearing a t-shirt and pants, but I quickly take my pants off and hop into the bed. I press him a little on this because if he wants to fuck me he will need to initiate things. We end up talking for like an hour while we lay in bed half naked. I felt really content in these moments. I felt like I was able to get to know him better and he is letting his beard grow in and I like that a lot. I just felt peaceful in his company. I enjoyed his touch and I trust him. It's a weird place to be to feel all those things with one man. I can not remember exactly how things moved along once we got tired of talking but they did. His dick was rock hard and felt just as fantastic as last week. And while I believe his dick is bigger than D's (although it getting harder to remember) he does not hurt me with it. Where D seemed to have took things too far at times, but that is part of the addiction with him was the high highs and the very low lows. There was hardly ever any middle of the road. Love Bombing or ghosting is my choice. 

I mentioned to Big D, that I wanted to try fisting with him. He had never done it but he was open to it. And damm if he did not go for that today.  Can this man get a round of applause. I asked and he responds positively again. And again he did not hurt me, as D sometimes did. I cant stress that enough. Sex with D always felt like someone beat me up or I did an Olympic sport or something. I used to love parts of it but some of it made me feel crazy by the end of the day. Why is it this man can fuck me all day with his big dick and fist me and fuck my ass and I am not in pain. 

You read that right. He fucked my ass. We talked about it and I was not sure because his dick is big but I said I was open to trying. He was so slow and good at reading my body. At one point I grabbed the lube and told him that I was nervous putting more lube on it because I was afraid it would just slip in too fast, but he reacted by showing so much restraint that I was putting it in my ass and backing up onto him. Anal sex is a trust fall for me. I have to believe that you will not hurt me and you will take care of me emotionally because it is  intimate. More intimate than regular sex. 

D always wanted me on my knees to do anal. And in all of our years together I only managed to do that with him 1x. I just could not get it from the back it just hurt too much. And the best part today was when our bodies seamlessly moved from the side to me on my knees and he fucked me from the back. I would be lying if I said D did not pop into my head. Look at me now D, look at how he can get the dick exactly how he wants it and you cant! Not only can he not that in 22 years he only ever managed it 1x. 

We rested and we talked. He fell asleep, I did some email answering and internet shopping while he slept for about 20 mins. I wanted to get up and do something but I also was not done having sex. We went to do it again and as we were getting right to the peak my daughter comes home with the other two kids. I caught her before they came in and told her she needed to give me 10 minutes because there was no way I was introducing this man to my kids. To be clear this man is great but they dont even know that I do not see D anymore and I am not up for the questions. So our day got cut short.  But overall very satisfying. 

Im not sure where my feeling lie here. I dont know how to want a man in my regular life and not just want him as a fuck toy. It is weird. With JF (the father of my youngest) we had a kid together immediately so it was easy to blend because we had to. But where do things go from here? How does one have a regular relationship? I dont know what this looks like. And as I type that I am reminded that my relationship can look like anything I want it to, but what do I want? 

A week of contentment

 Big D is coming over tomorrow. Part of me is expecting him not to show up because D has me conditioned to be ready for that. I would mentally prepare myself by not getting too excited for his visit. And if he did not show I was not devastated and could survive with out the crushing feeling of rejection. It is so sad that I was ok with putting up with that.  I am trying to let myself give into the feeling the Big D will show up when he said he will but I feel like I am not letting it happen. 

Since he last visited he is all I have thought of. D has not been occupying my mind like he once did. Instead of fantasying about D, it is now reliving the moments with Big D that come flooding into my mind during the idle moments. It has been a good week. 

I find myself trying not to rush my feelings and expectations, but I so wish for the comfort of a deep relationship that only comes with time. 

I notice I have been spending more time enjoying the company of my children. This is a result of my mind becoming more free. When my mind is cloudy with the sadness of the bullshit relationship with D then I can focus on other things. And also Big D makes my body feel as good as D did if not better and I feel like I am not searching for the next fuck. I have a lot of free energy when I am not searching for dick. 

More details when Big D leaves tomorrow....assuming he shows up. 

Pretty Huge Dick

 Today there is a different vibe in my house and in my walk. My chest is not heavy and my mind feels relaxed and calm. The reason for this change in my mood... good dick of course!

I woke up at 4am for some reason and like a cigarette habit I pick up the phone to look at it for no reason. And this guy I have been seeing sees I am online and says hello. In the middle of the night I ask him to come over in the morning. I was not stressed I was just reacting to what my body wanted at 4 am. Now this guy needs a name because I feel like he might be a major player. Up until now I have been on the fence but today put me over the fence and now I am interested. Now his name starts with D so that won't work but I feel like Big D works because his big dick is really a huge selling point for me. So Big D will be his name. 

He is like 7 or 8 years older than me. Which is perfect for me, because even when I was younger there was nothing more attractive to me then a 50 something year old black man. It is the sweet spot for me.  Physically I would say he is average, he is a little shorter than me. I am 5'9, so maybe he is 5'8ish, he shaves his head, dresses casually, has a home and car and is a contributing member of society. So a win in so many ways. He is not very dominant, or at least not the way I am used to. He is quiet and simplistic. I would say his is laid back, made to a fault. We talked for almost 3 months before we talked about sex. And I am the one the brought it up. Conversations are getting better. He reminds me of my first husband in the way that he does not need to talk the way I do. I like to talk. I like to communicate. Sharing ideas and stories and point of views but him like with my ex they just are wired a little bit different. I have noticed as we have become more comfortable with each other his conversation he is better and better and sharing ideas and I am am learning more about him. 

Two things happened that made me open my mind to him. His response to me telling him that his texting skills sucked and that I did not want him to text me unless he had time for a conversation. He was big on texting me then I respond then 3 hours later he texts again. But once I mentioned it he has been good. And I was also a bitch to him and he was not deterred. I can not highlight enough how big of a bitch I was to him. I was giving full bitch energy and he did not miss a beat. It is amazing. And men keep that in mind, women deal with so much and sometimes all the stress comes out a bitchiness. The least men can do is be the sounding board and absorb some of that bitch energy. 

He comes over today. I was not particularly in the mood for sex or for anything really but I told myself I am not going to initiate sex because I hate that. If he wanted to fuck he was going to have to make a move or we were going to sit and talk all afternoon. I did have a night shirt on, (picture a t-shirt just long enough to cover my ass) and I did slip off the panties before I sat down on the bed. He was awkward a little but he quickly took his clothes off and got on the bed with me. We kiss a little, I am not a fan of kissing. If I never did it again that would be cool with me. Before I know it he is going down on me. And at first I feel a little guilty for being on the receiving end of the pleasure.  He stops and I anticipate sucking his dick but no, he tells me to get on my knees so he can fuck me from that back. I told him we needed to do that since we never got to it the last few times. I happily flip over and prepare myself for this. His dick is big. I think it is maybe slightly shorter than D, but thicker than D maybe. It's pretty damm big. I dont realize just how big it is until he presses on to my pussy and has to work it in a little bit. For the regular readers you know that my favorite moment of sex is when the pussy is first stretched for that first thrust and true ecstasy when the tears fall from my eyes with the intense pleasure. There were tears of pleasure today and he slowly moved in further and before I knew it I was fucking him. And then he was fucking me like a young man and I dont have words for it. It hit the spot I have been looking for. We fucked for a good amount of time and he finally did come inside of me. We laid together in the bed, with his semi hard cock pressed up against my ass and we talked. 

His touch did not bother me today. I was open to it. I would not say I reveled in it, but it was okay that another man other than D was holding me the way he was. It felt good but it felt strange. He starting touching me again and I was rubbing his dick and like a mother fucking champion his dick was rock hard again and he fucked me from the the side. This was also an amazing position, this might have made me cry with pleasure. It was so intense. I think the different positions today really accentuated how big his dick is. He went down on me some more. He was trying to get me to squirt today but for some reason I could not do it. But he REALLY did try. He finally put my legs on his shoulders and entered me again and this time we made eye contact as he fucked me and I totally succumbed to the pleasure he was giving me. 

What it better than D? It was really a contender. I would say maybe overall score he would be better than D as D never makes me cum with oral. But I am coming with oral and dick. D is a different experience because there is that mind fuck there. But it has also been six months since I fucked D and  dont remember enough to compare. I need a side by side comparison. I do know that my body does not hurt after 2 hours of fucking. It was all pleasure and no pain and I dont hate that. 

If experience will tell me anything as soon as this thing with Big D takes off then D will pop up. 

I have died everyday waiting for you...

 I did a physic reading today. I dont know what pushes me to do these things but throughout my life I have found peace and guidance through input from spiritual guides and psychic mediums. They have been so spot on correct at times that I have been stunned by the things I realized were correct. Most recently was the one I spoke to in June about D, who did tell me that D would call me in the month and he did. He said all the things she had expected. They always let me know that I have the power in this situation. Today was no different. She reminded me of the things that I already knew. She confirmed that he loves me and he is being honest that he takes these breaks because he gets stressed. She said she sees us as soul mates and that it makes sense that I can not move on so easily in this situation. She said so much that all made sense to me but she also said he is coming back and he will not be able to finish the year out without contacting me. I dont know if I believe it but it gave me enough peace to get through the next month or so. 

I know we have all heard it all before but I love him with such intensity I can not articulate it. I know when I was married (to my white husband) he was always upset with me for the way that I would defend D. He would say "it is like D can do not wrong to you" and this is indeed how I see it. What D has done is so hurtful and upsetting to me but it is not lost on me that I do things that are just as bad sometimes. I am no angel and I hurt people - even people I love. I have an issue with sex and he has an issue with dependability. Who is to say which is more or less righteous? How am I not the villain but he is the villain every time? 

I think about how I have loved the men in my life and what that loved manifested itself to look like and what my boundaries were in those relationships. In those relationships I was defiantly not submissive or even an equal partnership. I led those relationships. I led them evidently right into the ground. With D, I can not lead, he leads and I am happy to let him lead, most of the time. And when I think of all the things he has done, I can so easily forgive him. I forgive him with my whole heart, and I jump in and I do it all over again. And like a badge of honor I carry that pain because there is never too much pain that I will endure when it comes to the people of love. And when I say the people I love, I really mean my kids, my family and D. who I do not talk to, if he needed me I would do everything I could to help him. 

Even my attraction to D is unexplained to me sometimes. I do not know why my spirit is pulled him so intently. It is not just the sex. The sex is amazing but I have had amazing sex with other people, most notably last week. Part of me hates this pull and part of me feels like without this tie to D I do not know who I am. How do I even exist with out D in my life. Be it D as my boyfriend, D as my sometime lover or D as baby daddy, without D I feel so empty. 

I am trying to move on so hard. I am going through the steps. I am meeting new people (even ones you do not get the details on here). I am keeping an open mind and I am trying to give myself time to understand how I feel and let me feel connected to someone new.  There are some people that sound great and there is chemistry with but I lack that drive to keep in going. Part of me does think I should not get invested because I know D will be back and part of me thinks that my world as I know has ended and I better learn how to love someone else. 

I still cant cry about it. I just can not get there. I want to cry so badly. If I could give it real world comparison I would say it is kind of like I have gone to war and I cannot acknowledge the trauma of it until I am home from the war. And once I am home from the war I will be devastated and there will be nothing left of me. But for now it's a battle and I have my war paint on my face and I push down all the sadness and I keep moving through each day until there is a resolution. And when the resolution comes I will crumble. 

This guy I had seen a couple times, he has no name. I think it is rather sad that the players on my team dont even get names right now. They are nondescript place holders until my world gets back on its axis. The last time he came over, I took the day off of work and he did not stay long and he left without making me come. (Im sure I blogged about it, about 2 weeks ago). He did not text me after that meeting until recently and he wanted to see me again. I told him I was disappointed in our last meeting because I had time to see him and he did not make me come and he came and he bounced! We had a good conversation but I guess there is something about him that makes me feel like he is not sincere. There is something that is not adding up and I am not sure what it is. He talks a great game but his actions do not reflect what he says. Well today he wanted to see when he could see me. I dont really have a lot of desire to see anyone really and I feel like he needs to just wait a minute. He is no longer a starter on the team. I was feeling pressured to let him come over and I told him I could do tomorrow, but then I canceled. He has not text me since I canceled but I dont want to feel pressured to have sex with anyone. I want to be left alone until I want some dick and then I will let them know. 

Silly men if they only knew I care as little of them as they do of me. I just use them for their body and I do not want anything extra. I prefer the men who text me maybe 4x a year. These are the situation-ships I live for. Just fuck me and give me some space. If I really like the dick I will call you back but I won't fall in love with you. There are no worries of that happening. In all my years of the slut way of life I only had feelings for one Dom, one guy, and loved D. The rest of them I might have missed them if I had not seen them in awhile and I might have enjoyed their company but I never loved them or even pursued them. And if I am being honest most of them are easily forgotten. 

My chest feels a little heavy tonight as I unload all this here. I feel like I need to disappear for awhile and get my head straight but I feel like I will do all the mental work and moving on and the second I feel in control of my life D will call me and come in like a tornado and it will all be for nothing. 

A little bit bothered still

 The other day I was thinking of a post and I was going to call in "Unbothered" because I have been indeed unbothered by men in general. Last weekend I was at the pool swimming and I got to the end of the lap and there was this good looking black man standing beside the pool. Typically I would feel something in my body and be sending out my down to fuck vibes but I truly did not want his attention. I was not worried about him in anyway and kept on swimming. That is a development I am not sure that I was quite ready for. 

The girls at work describe me as "man hating" in this conversation we were having. I was surprised by this and the one girl who has know me an over a year was able to vouch for me that I was not like this last year. It seems like D and the over turning of Roe. v Wade along with JF and men pulling money away from me has jaded me. And it has really jaded me in a deep way. I dont know if I will ever be the same again. I feel like there was a chemical reaction in my body to all this trauma and I can not ever undo it. And try as I might to move on I am just not succeeding. 

This guy I have been talking to for a few months came over again. He has been here like 3x. And I first I thought he was really into a relationship but I am not so sure anymore and I am not sure if I even want that. I only invited him over because it had been over a month since I have had sex and I assumed my body would want it but my mind did not want it. I can not stress enough I did not want it. It is like sometimes I eat to make me feel better. Not because I am hungry and not because I even want the food but I know sometimes I get physical comfort from it and I desperately need the comfort. 

We talked for a little bit and I was bitchy. He is not dominate like I am used to so things move so slow. This irritates me. Eventually he touches me but so gently and slow and I just want to push his face down to my pussy and make this shit move. In my head I am having this whole conversation about why am I doing this and trying to figure out if I like him or not and I can not tell. I have never been so out of touch with my mind and body. I just could not figure out what I wanted. Things progress. I suck his dick and his dick got so hard. It is amazing. It is the rock hardness of men in their twenties and I was here for it. I stopped sucking and told him to fuck me. He moves into position but goes down on me first. I dont hate that but I really wanted to feel the rock hard cock in the state I left it. If he goes down on me for like 20 minutes it will not be as hard as it was. But I accept the oral. He is really good at oral. 9 out 10. He makes me cum over and over again. He finally pushes that big cock in me and I am really feeling it. He does not fuck me hard enough but I think he worries about hurting me but we are working it out. The sex was really fantastic, he made me squirt a few times and I felt amazing. There was no connection. He came in me and then I wanted him off me as soon as possible. He was just hanging out on top of me and I pushed his dick out and went to move from underneath him. I just wanted to be left alone. I did not want to talk, I did not want to touch I just wanted to be left alone. This is weird because I thought I wanted some closeness, but I think I just want the closeness I had with D and he is not D. 

So today I am work and D pops into my head so I call him from my Google Voice number so he does not know it is me, as he has blocked my number. He picks up and says "Hey what's happening" and I say " umm where have you been, its been months since I have talked to you", there is a pause and he is still there but I can tell he is processing and I tell him he needs to start paying me back and he hangs up. It took him 46 seconds for him to figure out who it was and end the call. Well Im not sure what I was expecting. I mean I thought he would just say hello and we would move awkwardly through a conversation and it would all be okay as it always has been. 

I can not stress enough just how badly I need closure on this relationship. I know actions speak louder than words but it just makes no sense to me. Everything was fine and then he just disappeared from my life. And I want to grieve and I want to move on. I was the power that D hold on me to dissipate and let me even start to see if I can feel something for someone else. And how can he be so mean to me? He knows what this uncertainty will do to me. And as I say that I am reminded of all the times he has told me that even if he is not calling me that he loves me and not to worry. We have talked a lot of about this ghosting thing in our relationship. Sometimes I feel this sense of vigor well up in my body and I get mad and I say no more. I am not going to let him run my life from a far when he unbothered by my deep sadness. But as I think about cutting of the willingness of letting him back in my life I am certain that if and when he pulls back around I will be there. I will step right back into it because I love him and I have hurt him and I can accept that he has hurt me. 

I want to cry and rest and let my body process this but I can not get there. I think I need some kind of healing ritual, maybe some energy healing or reiki. I dont know but I need help. Dick is not doing it. Even good dick is not doing it for me. I feel so fucking stuck. I have to do something . 

Updates on the reckoning of debts among the  men.

JF and I have our first court hearing next week for custody of the children. I have put him on notice that if he does not pay me for the car that I am suing him for that too. 

D received his certified mail that is a demand letter for repayment of the money he owes me. I mailed three just to ensure he gets it. One to where he lives, one to his work and one to his ex-wife. Somebody better tell him he pays or we go to the court. 

This is not how I saw my life working out. I can not say that I am disappointed on where my life is but I am not totally satisfied as to where it is and why I have not been able to have a lasting relationship that I wanted in my life. I just always saw myself with a long term husband and gosh that is just not going to happen. No matter what I do the facts are the facts. I have had a lot of fun and I have lived my life exactly how I wanted but I am paying the price in another way. 

Now dont feel for sad for me 95% of the time I dont crave partnership with anyone, but tonight in the face of what I have lost with D, the level of intimacy saddens me. I still cant imagine being so comfortable with anyone ever again. I miss his laugh. I miss his laugh so much. I miss his energy. I just love to be around him. I am never ever going to be the same person after this.

A little bit of Peace

 I started thinking about D a little bit today. Today was a hard day to swallow the sadness. I called his number and blocked my number. The call was sent right to voicemail. My heart started to race. Then I saw on facebook I reached out to his friend a few months ago and sent him a friend request, to which he accepted recently. And I thought to myself. D better watch his fucking step because I am not a reactive person. I dont act in haste and I dont do things without thinking them through but this fuck face man is going to make me befriend his best friend and fuck him and then fuck his brother and fuck up all his relationships. And then he will be all by himself drinking his beers all alone. And that brings me peace. 

Low Places

 I am feeling a little bit low tonight. I have been going balls to wall non stop this whole month. School is in full swing, sports are happening, fall fun is all around us and I am just up at 5am and non-stop til about 7pm. Tonight as I laid on my couch, where I collapsed after making dinner (still with my apron on) I felt low for lack of a better term. I tried to sort out what this feeling was. It did not feel like plain sadness. For a few moments I thought do I miss a man right now? And I even started to think that is what I missed, but I dont think it was that. What I wanted was for someone to clean my house while I laid on the couch and stared into my phone and escaped reality.  I wanted a good meal and a good sleep and maybe that was it. I tried to amuse myself with the men I talk to, but no one was paying me much attention to me tonight. Even that did not bother me. I really could not figure out what this feeling was and I could not articulate it.  This is odd for me. My ability to communicate my feelings is very good but maybe knowing what the feelings are or the root cause of them...maybe not so much.

I finally exasperated with myself, I text my friend a long text about how I think I miss having a man in my life and all this other stuff about how I might be feeling. She reminds me " we are just getting our periods" and that it is not the absence of a man that I miss. Ah yes, why do I never remember this? It for sure is my period that is creating this lowness. Nonetheless I want this feeling to go away. 

I have also talked a little bit about how I have been taking a GLP-1 medication and I have lost 37lbs now. The side effects for me is nausea. It is reminiscent of pregnancy nausea and it is is not fun. But I am committed to the mission. While I never aspire to be small I just needed to get healthier. I am getting there. 

There is nothing to report on D. I am gathering evidence I need him to sue him for the money he owes me and that is tedious and emotionally hard to re-read old text etc. But I am doing it. 

And because I am a true masochist I am also similanously finding the evidence I need to sue JF for stealing my car and shipping it to Africa without my permission. 

I need to give myself some grace because these are hard things to relive. 

There is a guy I like a little bit, I dont have a name for him. He is like 52 but seems to present a bit older to me. I like him but he does not text consistently and does not have meaningful conversations with me. And I dont remember even what he did last week but I texted my friend that he would need to move to the "dick only pile" meaning his dick is good but I cant get connected to him and he will only ever be just a dick. 

Then there is this other guy who is my age, that I like, he lives like a good hour away but I like him. He is friendly, I feel connected when we talk on the phone and when we text. He is responsive but we had plans for the day and he canceled on me citing he was not feeling well. 

Once you have been ghosted by a person I feel like you second guess everything. Were there signs that I was being left before it happened? I truly do not believe he gave me signs when we were together. It was business as usual and we were good. So I just never saw what was coming. 

My daughter, the  7 year old, said to me "I have not seen D in awhile". I said in the most Mary Poppins voice I could muster " Yeah, I know, I have not seen him either", she presses with "where is he"? I lie to her and say "he is working a lot lately and I have been working a lot lately"and I follow up for good measure "sometimes I see him a lot and sometimes I dont see him for awhile".  She accepted this answer but I silents cried in the darkness of my car as we drove home. I let D into her life and she really liked him. She liked spending time with him. He would pick her up and hug her and she would just love it. They would talk and she loved the attention.  She has seen D much more in the last 2 years than she has seen her own Dad. How did I allow to let two men break her heart? 

I am trying so hard to raise this child by myself and ensure she does not have Daddy issues but Christ men are fucking horrible. As I think back through my life I think about the men that shaped my life that participated in my life in a regular way. Lets deep dive that a moment? 

My Dad - not a bad man but too selfish to put his kids needs in front of his own needs. Unnecessarily burdened my mom and increase her instability as a mother.  

My brother - I have one positive memory of him. Just One! He was an asshole for a brother my whole life and as much as I loved him when I was younger he treated me like shit. 

My Male Soccer Coach - a local doctor who coached my soccer team in maybe 6 or 7th grade. He would touch all the girls in ways that made them uncomfortable but not in a clear enough way that it looked sexual. The last day I played on that team I remember him coming up to me for no reason and rubbing my back, and I said "Dont touch me" and he went in further with it and I physically moved his hand off of me and yelled "I said dont fucking touch me again".  I was 12/13 at most and had to assert myself to my coach to stop touching me. 

Male teachers, one was alcoholic, one they called a child molester (idk how he got the name but he was creepy af), one was ANGRY all the time and would throw shit at kids and dump their desks out on them. 

Male bosses : took advantage of me within the realm of work, overstepped boundaries that were work related, in the end created a hostile work enviorment because I knew too much. Fried me and I had to sue him (which was sucessful). 

I literally can not think of one male figure in my life that did not have serious flaws! There was not that many of them but they all seems to be so flawed and selfish and angry. 

But the women in my life even if they were not particularly helpful they were not harmful. I never looked at them and thought what a piece of shit. I never was a victim at the hands of a woman. I never felt unsafe among the women in my life. 

I m not sure where I was going with that but it was something I needed to say. Men need to do better. For some inexplicable reason men have always been allowed to be angry and scary and piss poor pseudo leaders and I am just so fucking tired of men. This male hatred had really been deep in my spirit lately. 

And I will say that there are some great men in my life now. My brother in law is a good guy, my ex husband is a good man, I know some men I play with that I feel safe with but I dont always feel safe with a man. And in a moment of great personal revelation it occurs to me that to be submissive means to not upset them. If I dont upset them then they will not be mad at me, because if they get mad at me I am scared of what they will do to me.