Muscle Memory

I had the need to go up to New Brunswick the other day. And as I took the trip up the turnpike my body was feeling all the feels and my mind was mulling over all the times I have taken this drive over the years to see D. I have not thought about D is awhile. He is not really in the forefront of my mind most days but this day I could not escape the thoughts of him. So much so I almost called him while I was making that trip up there. My friend talked me out of it, thank god. But I was so close to begging this man to tell me what happened and to have the closure conversation with him. But to be so clear I would 100% see him again if given the chance. I really need closure on D but I fear I will never have it. 

I am in my busy season for work. I work a temp job that pays really well but only last about 6-10 weeks. So Im working 3 jobs right now and have no time for anything but there is a peace in taking care of what I need to. And intense peaceful energy fills me the power I need to get through this and knowing that I dont need a man to take care of my life makes me feel powerful. 

I am tired but I am happy. 

I still continue to talk to Ds brother. That is moving a long. No real news on that, but I am still exploring a relationship with him. 

Sex drive still is at a 1.5 out of 10.... so no change there.:(

Yo hago lo que me da la gana

 Here we are, here we are just 14 days since the begin of the rise and fall of HRT in my perimenopause journey. So I do feel better than I have all week. I would say I am about 60% feeling back to myself. I only wanted to die a handful of times today and I have had moments of joy and pleasure today. Dizziness and nausea is keeping me from working so I am losing a lot of money behind this, but I was craving feelings again so I was willing to give it a try. And there might be an alternative way for me to harness some of the power that comes from feeling your feelings. This is something I have lost and I so want it back. Tonight I have a few trains of thought I want to cover. Hold on because I am going rogue and feeling all feelings. 

First my very good friend who passed away a few months ago, continues to show up in my life. I was downloading some contracts off of docusign for  a large purchase. I logged into my docusign about and he says "Welcome...(the name of my friend). I look at his name and smiled and I tried to figure out why his name was in this account with me and what was going on. And they I just felt joy for seeing his name and being reminded about how he loved his friends and how lucky I was to be able to spend time with him. 

I keep thinking about Jay, I think that is just want I called him here. He will know who he is. There was something loving  interactions with me. I am not saying he loved me but he was loving and kind and I really like him. I think that was just not meant to be once I had my 2nd child. He calls me here and there. I could call him but there is still some submission in for the most part I will just wait to be contacted. If the spirit moves them to call me then we should talk otherwise maybe we leave it all where it is.

With this need to access to my feelings (which I think will go away in a few days) I spent some time chatting with Ds brother, We have been talking  for the last year and half, since the ghosting but we have not seen each other. I feel like between us having some sexual heat and also this desire to have a really deep connection. Dare I say that we have been building a relationship. I know what I what we have been doing but I dont feel to terribly excited bc I barely have feelings and I jut dont know how the world will handle be fucking my way through this family. I think I just officially started a relationship with me. I am excited and nervous. I was clear with him about some reservations, like how I want a life partner and he is married and I cant be the other women like I was with D. I dont want to break up a marriage but I will need more in a situation like this. I dont want to be the other women, the after thought but all do I want to be the main one... YIKES Idk if be that is what I want either. I am trying to determine how I feel about him. We had GREAT times years ago, and he got too jealous of D and I had to pull back. But I did it in a really shitty way because I did not know how to get out of the situation. I did not like spending time with him We would have fun. It was good until it was not. And over the years I sat in fear to not let D know that I fucked his brother. But that fear is gone. I dont care about D and it would just be a bonus if he knew that I fucked his brother, for years, and that we are ....dare I say dating at this point. 

I need to process. Dating him seems wild to me, but I am going to try it because why not. I like him, I am attractive to him, he is good at sex and he knows how to take care of shit in life. He is like a god dam holy grail at this point of dating. So I guess I am going to do it and I am going to lean into having these feelings and see what happens.  So maybe I am not single at the moment, maybe I would consider myself dating. And he said "I dont care what D thinks or my wife" Both of these are comical to me because part of me wants D to see me with his brother and lose his shit, he won't but I would like him too. And the other part is like finally being seen in that family. I have always been a secret and I dont want to life like that. 

Now I know it is not ideal for me to make these changes when I am going though the hormonal shift but why not, the feelings have always been there I just could not access them. It is not like they are fake feelings they have just been buried very very deep. 

I just want more or a life partner in life. I want to share my life with someone and have someone to love and who loves me. Sure it's been fun flying solo but this shit is hard, and if there is another options go with that option. 

I know I sound like Im drunk and my grammar and mistakes have reflected it. I am tired and a little bit dizzy and I just needed to process alll of that.  

I am curious in another 14 days where I will be emotionally and with Ds brother with feel like a natural choice as we have been good friends and hot fuck history. It is anyones guess at this point. 

Yo hago lo que me da la gana - I do what I want

-Bad Bunny and NJ SubmissiveGirl

Good while it lasted

 There was the post the other day that was so optimistic and hopeful of things to come in the future. What appears to has happened is day 14 of HRT I hit the sweet spot of sleeping, feeling sexual, overall all joy. And then day 15 began a hard downward spiral and the good hormones turned so so bad. It is hard to quite articulate but I went to bed feeling fine and woke up in a rage filled stupor and I could not function. I was only experiencing two emotions: Rage and deep profound sadness. It was reminiscent of my very hard post partum days and I just wanted to die. If I could have organized my thoughts a little more cleanly I probable would have opted for suicide. I was very close to checking myself in to a hospital. 

I spoke to my doctor who told me to immediately stop taking the medication and we will reconvene in a couple weeks when my levels are back to their baseline. Apparently I am the lucky 10% of women that have this kind of reaction. Even as I type this tonight the only thing that keeps me for crying is that my eyes hurt. I have cried about all the things with my daughter, the devastation of what D did to me with his ghosting me after 22 years, I cried about Bad Bunny Super Bowl show because it reminded me of just how beautiful the world can be the farther you get away from white men. I have cried because I love my children and because I felt regretful I ever had them. I have cried because the dog barked at me and because I cant get my thoughts organized in my head. It has been one of the hardest days of my life and it is still not over. I come here tonight to ease my mind and say all the things that my support system can no longer hear me cry about. 

And despite this sadness I still felt more sexual than I have felt in almost 2 years, and since I will not be taking the hormones anymore I wanted to try to have an orgasm while I felt like it was still a possibility. I was drawn back to the thumbnail of the video of me and D I saw the other night. I could not get in touch with the feelings of the women in the video. That submissive girl was giving her body to the dark man behind her but this girl here today could only focus on all the things I did not like about that scene. D would always turn the tv on loud. He reason was because I was loud but it was so irritating to me. It was like one thing he could have done for me was turn the noise down when we were not fucking but he likcd it loud and my feelings did not matter. And it was not just that it was loud, it was over stimulating for me. It made my brain hurt and instead of being able to enjoy my downtime I was trying not to have sensory overload freak out. And sometimes I would freak out with him. This was almost always when we were fucking and he would do something that would aggravate me. Slap me too hard, or too many times in the same place, fuck me really hard in a very bad way, hold me down when I did not want it. He pushed my boundaries and he loved the intense reaction I would have because I would be out of my mind for just a few moments while he fucked me. He loved it but for me I would say in my head every time I left "im not doing this again". It was a  scary out of control feeling. 

And in my head today of free flowing hormones I began to understand what D was talking about when he said I had changed over the years. This total loss of sex drive probably started 2.5 years ago and was a very slow decline. He was pointing out that I was not willing to tolerate the submission and Domination from a man that did not put my well being first. And for the first time in a long time I was able to get in touch with just how much I hate him and how sorry I am for wasting so much time loving him.  I talk to my daughter and told her all the things I have been thinking but mainly that I just miss her. I talked to my Mom who gently reminds me that I have been in these dark places before and this too shall pass. 

As I watched the video am taken by my body again, I love the way my ass is squeezed in his hands and he pushes my body where he wants it, but I could not orgasm. Maybe I got close but I could not get there. I thought about calling the neighbor down the street but as I lay in my bed, legs not shaven, eye puffy from crying, mind feeling heavy I just could not entertain the idea of him touching me. If I cant make myself orgasm there was no way he was going to me come. And so I put it all away and tried to do some work. 

My dr says it is a journey and there are other avenues we can explore but I might be scared straight. Do I want to have a sex life again that I am willing to feel suicidal to get it? 

Im lonely too. I wish I had a partner in life to help me through this. I want someone here with me to cover me up, and take out the dog so I dont have to get up, and make me lunch, and hug me as I cry about everything that has ever happened. But there are not many men that know how to nurture. They do not know how to hold a women who is suffering and understand that she has zero control over what is happening in her body.  I want something that just does not exist, I think. Tonight feels so low, like it will never get better and that I am just biding my time until my kids dont need me anymore and death seems like such a welcome relief at this point. Just two days ago I was on top of the world and feeling like things were going to well. And now it all seems lost and the contentment I felt is gone forever. 

This is just a waiting game. Waiting for the hormones to dissipate while I try to hold together my life is the goal for the next few days. I am trying to eat and drink lots of water and to help things leave my body. I am trying to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for not working and needing to take some time off. I will go to bed early again tonight and pray that in the morning I feel dont feel the intense rage and difficultly keeping my eyes open. 

HRT

 I come to you tonight with promising new developments in the sexual desire department. About a month ago I decided that I did want to have some kind of feeling again in my body and made an appointment with a provider for HRT (hormone replacement therapy). And about two weeks ago I started hormones. A very low dose and just one and tonight I found myself feeling like my old self again. And I am going to add this little bit of information here because unless you are a woman of a certain age you may not know about HRT. Perimenopause hits well before menopause, it begins in late 30s for some women and it impacts everything! Sleep, weight, moods, libido, feelings, temperature. As far as I can tell it is much worse that puberty when the hormones start ramping up. And for many years HRT was seen as a last resort because they believed it increased cancer risk. They have now backtracked on that and now says in can prevent certain cancers. Now HRT is becoming more mainstream and accessible (logistically and financially). Now that is my summary from what I understand it to be but more important are the examples of the how this little pill is changing things. 

For example, I sent a long requested video link to D's brother and I did not watch the video but the thumbnail photo had me reminiscing. And not about D, but about the joy of seeing my soft pillowy white body in contrast to a dark sculpted body. It was the thrill of seeing me bent over in complete submission and him mounting me from behind. Even as I type this I feel the animal urges pulsing through my vein in just the slightest amounts and it brings such joy to feel like the old me is coming back to life. I am literally welling up with joy and that thought that I have can that part of my life back again. 

I was also at a kids baseketball game tonight and saw a black coach, not particularly good looking and he had no accent but the dialouge in my head went something like "hmm I kinda like the way he is talking...I would suck his dick". Even I was taken back by these thoughts. Who was this person sitting in the stands of a middle school basketball gaming eye balling the middle aged coach from across the court? Smiling and wondering if the man next to me is feeling my energy or if he just thinks I am smiling at my kids playing ball. 

It's a good night in my world tonight. I am so grateful for this very tiny movement in the right direction. 

Kindness

 I have been feeling more and more bold and less and less submissive with each passing day. I feel like the further I move away from the influence of D the more and more free I feel. So when the guy I was talking to last year reached out to me again he was met with the feisty side of submissive girl. He texted me about he knows I am seeing someone else, and keep in mind I have not seen him in a year and in the last year he has not asked me out, called me, or even texted me anything meaningful. I thought he was nice enough and the sex was good but this year of not wanting sex he needed to bring something more the table to catch my attention. 

Now let me say this first before I continue. Women learn how to react to men in a way that keeps them safe. And I have been very aware of my vulnerability when is comes to personal safety when dealing with men. I have met a lot of men in very desolate and unsafe situations and part of the way I have controlled those situations was to never assert myself in a way that would anger or more importantly make a man feel like he was not wanted. But with this guy being so far out of my life I felt safe to speak "freely" and I did. 

I told him that "I am single. I will see and or have sex with anyone I want to whenever I want to" and then I added that it was obvious he was not interested in a relationship and that was cool I could keep him on the roster in case my sex drive picks back up. Well I hit a nerve with him. He responded with calling me a white trash slut and calling my kids fucked up for being mixed. 

Now I was really surprised because I did not see this behavior coming. He did not seem like a racist asshole. What was more disturbing that this man has been in my house and I generally trusted him. How could I be so wrong? How did I not see this? Was there no red flags? Or do all men have this in them if I push the right buttons. And really this is why I have so little time for men. They are just assholes. I would never attack someone's kids. I am also not a racist and when people say shit to me that is hurtful I usually meet it with introspection and deep thought processes. And this is no different. I am still a little stunned as I would not say shit like that to people I dont like. 

I need a kind person. A deep down kind soul with some self control, an island accent, a big dick, and enough money they can take care of themselves and who can have deep conversations when needed. I dont know if it is out there.

Even better he called me a slut... lol. Typical man. Women are always attempted to be diminished by attacking their sexuality and there body. Men call us sluts, bitches and fat and yet cant handle it when we dont want them. 

Year End

 I am thrilled to report out that I am still feeling a bit more sexual. I want to have sex, not with anyone in particular but I just want to have sex. Now I dont want to have all day long sex but sex is something I am thinking about. It feels good to have this sustained desire to fuck. I am starting to feel just a little bit more like myself. 

Now there is also this strange desire to maybe seek out a relationship with a man. I want just a little bit of companionship. I dont know what that looks like in terms of a relationship but I want something I think. I dont know. As I typed that I thought maybe I dont. Ugh. It is hard to figure out. 

I have been thinking about the guy (I think I blogged about) that asked me out and then last minute wanted to "stay home and vibe" which essentially was like I want to lay in bed and fuck. That kind of prolonged time laying in bed with a man sounds really unappealing. I have too much to do and a desire to be productive to lay around and fuck for hours on end. But I think it is weird he never reached back out to me after that. That was his 2nd strike and I dont think I would entertain his conversations anymore anyway but why did he not try? Why did he make such a big deal about going out and then change plans last minute and then just gone. It is not that I am upset but I am confused by his behavior, that is the part I have have very little tolerance for. I dont need that kind of dumb shit in my life. 

So year in review. I managed to have sex 3 times year (I think), which would be a lifetime low for me! I have made the most money of life this year, which has been stress relieving for me. I lost a good friend. My kids have struggled a little more than I would have thought and my parenting skills were tested. Unconditional love was something I had to prove I was capable of and for the first time in my parenting journey I had to admit defeat. I took my first real vacation for the first time in 12 years. 

At the new year I dont like to make too many goals and set myself up for feeling like a failure but there are things I want to be more intentional about. The first one is expanding my life to accommodate a companion for myself. Maybe its a dog, maybe its a woman, maybe it is a man. Idk but I want to keep an open mind of letting someone in. I want to be intentional about having fun with my kids. By design I am not a fun person. I just am so low key and casual and generally do not enjoy holidays and special events. However it is crucial to me that my kids have fun memories. So I try to be mindful of the tone and feel of our home. I want it to be peaceful and full of laughter and I want there to be things that they remember as being fun. And I continue on my financial journey and I hope to resolve all my debt this year (minus the mortgage and car). Most of all I just want to feel calm stillness in my life with minimal complications and highlights of fun with the kids.

Bad Bitch

 Every now and then I get this glimmer of hope that all is not lost in terms of the "Bad Bitch" I once was. And I like to capture those moments, mostly for my own reading. As I have shared I sued D for money that he owed me. And his paycheck are garnished to pay me back. So each month I get the statement in my email of what is coming in the check in the coming days. So yesterday I received notice that I was getting the biggest check yet, which made me feel invigorated. To summarize the monologue in my head went something like this...thats right you fucking bitch, looks like you were working overtime or got a Christmas bonus and I still got my cut. I hope it burns your ass up every time you see your paystub, bank balance and use your debit card. Fuck you. Suing you was the best thing I ever did for my mental health!

Tonight I am feeling good. I swear I got a new shampoo and conditioner and I dont know what the hell is in that but I am feeling feisty ever since I got my shower. I did get time to chat with my friend last night, one I have not seen in awhile. And she is so fun! And I took my kids and niece and nephew out for a late dinner and we had a lot of fun. With all the work I do sometimes I too tired for fun. It is something I am working on. 

If single parenthood was not hard enough to keep these kids from having trauma and being there for everyone we have to make time for fucking fun with our kids too. Thats my goal for the coming year is just to make sure I am having fun, with the family, with my friends, and maybe some players off my roster.

Money and Sex

 Cone Dick reached out to me and I "reluctantly agreed" to let him come over. I almost immediately regretted it. He does know I tend to change my mind and he just ignored my texts that said I changed my mind and and in the great words of Kamala Harris I simply repeated "Dont Come"! He came.  

Now when I opened the door, wearing my pajamas which is a black knit long tank top/ dress thing, I told him give me just a second I was getting my food out of the oven. He laughed and said this is starting of like a C-level porno. I did forget how attractive he is and I how big of a guy he was. I do like a big man. 

We went up stairs and I slide into bed like a naughty child, laid my head on the pillows while I watched him undress with a smile. We were talking about how I did not want to have sex etc. He laid next to me. We talk for a few minutes before he touches me and we have sex. It is not hot and heavy sex. It is just logistical put it in me and have an orgasm type of sex. For some reason when he comes (in the condom) I feel it really really intensely and he makes me cum every time. 

Over all I could have done with out the sex but the company was nice. I enjoyed talking to him and being with him. I feel like I forget how lonely my life is. And that might not be the right way to phrase it. It is something I miss about D is that with him he just saw me as myself. I was not a mother, a sister, an employee. He just saw me for me with out my titles without my filters that alter my behavior and my desires. For example, if I was not a mother my life would look very different! I would probably most defiantly been doing something in the porn industry. My late friend one time were talking about what career direction I should take and he said this "...I have never seen anyone more interested in their money and sex....so anything that involves those two things should work out for you".  He was one of my best friends and he was also one of those people that knew me before kids and did not see me as a mother but rather as a friend. Our conversations NEVER included our children and there was still so much to talk about. He also wanted success for me as he had success. And he helped me so much with investments and he is part of the reason I am in the good financial place I am now. He was one of a kind and I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone. I have luckily not really experienced any death in my life, with the exception of my grandparents that I was not close with.  Sometimes when he would call me I would send it to voicemail because his personality was so big you needed energy to let that energy bounce off of you.  One time I was closing on a property and I was short about 2k when they finally got the numbers back to me. It was a tough deal and I did not think it was going to go through. I told him I needed to back out of the deal because I was short on the cash needed at the table and without thought he said lets go get it and I drove him to his bank and he took out the cash for me. No questions, no hesitation, no ill will, just matter of fact lets go get the money. 

I know that wherever his spirit is he is having a good time! 

Lessons from the Universe

 I have had this friend since I was about 17. He was one of the very few men I did not have a sexual relationship with but we were friends.  I just found out he passed away the other day. He was my age, with one daughter (that we would joke 1 he knew about). He was this hilarious guy that would call me every few months and we would shoot the shit and laugh so hard together. And everyone that knows him would say the same thing about him. He made every one feel so special. He made everything fun. He always had crazy stories and wild things happening to him. My ex-husband and I shared an apartment with him when I was 17. We would argue like siblings.  I have not had a lot of experience with death in my life and I feel like I can not believe this. We just hung out in September at my ex-husbands wedding. We had a good time. It was so good to see him. He hugged me and it was so nice. We took a picture, or his girlfriend took our picture and just like that he was gone. He has helped me in some business deals and is the very reason I was able to get my income property. He was wildly successful and lived hard. I will miss him a great deal. I still can not even believe he is gone. He was one of these guys that I can totally see him faking his death and showing up years later or sending me a postcard from the Philippines. I can only hope that he is having a beer on a beach some where and enjoying the good life.

Life just has not been easy for me lately. My daughter had to go to an impatient program for mental health issues and I just dont know which way I am going lately. Life has been hard. I have been trying to hold it together but Thanksgiving without my oldest felt incomplete and unfair. I feel like I squandered the 18 years I had with her without realizing that she would change like that and now I feel like it is too late and I have lost her forever. And Im too busy just surviving taking care of the other two and I cannot savor every moment of their childhood like I want to.

Im not sure what is happening in my world but it feels a little bit like it is falling apart. And has been falling apart in slow motion. I just keep working everyday to keep me distracted and focused on what I can control in my life. 

So the submissive girl that provides insight into submission and sometimes a glimpse into the realties of womanhood, single motherhood, mental illness and toxic love is sufficiently knocked down. I feel like whatever the universe is trying to teach me ...I hope I have learned it. 

Peace Will Come

 ....all I can hope to control is my own life...so the song goes. This is an anthem in my house as it is part of a song that my kids sing at school regularly and it's on our playlist for our drive to school and it resonates so much with me. It feel like such a relief to understand that the control that I have is over me and only me and someone that frees me. 

Life has been hard this last month and a half. I think in my last post I might have talked about how my oldest was fucking up. And this was new for her as really she has been a breeze to parent thus far. But boy she is making up for lost time. I will spare the details as I can not live through it again but in summary she for a brief time stopped talking-to me and is still not talking with her Dad. 

During this time she has really shown some sides of her personality and character that remind me she is the spawn of D and despite not being a victim of his parenting she still carries his DNA and it is abhorrently obvious. Why does it always come back to D? I dont know but it does. And I hate to make it all about me but if not here where else... But I feel like my daughter is re-victimizing me just the same way that D did. I know that's an intense statement because D, while he loved me, he manipulated me and hurt me and ghosted me in the same way my daughter has. I feel like I have just been getting to a place where I was getting though the days and weeks with out thoughts of D distracting me and now when I look at her face it is all I can see. When I hear her squirm out of serious conversations it is what I am reminded of. When I feel the pangs of hurt rip through my chest and my eyes well up I am taken back to all the times he has left me tattered and not able to take any refuge with him. 

I have always told her she has a mean streak and she does. And she gets it from him. She just oozes his mannerisms and she has never spent a significant amount of time with him. It was bred into her. And just as her red hair reminds me that I am her mother he coldness and manipulation reminds me that he is her father.

I spend a lot of time on the phone with my ex-husband and his new wife. There was a beautiful wedding and I was in all the pictures and it was really wonderful. I am very happy for them. I do start to feel like I am part of a thruple and the three of us have leaned on each other a lot during this trying time with my daughter. I always said me and my ex-husband were always meant to be friends and really he my best friend. I have never regretted him parenting my daughter for one second. He is a beautiful person and I love him a lot. I just never should have married him. 

To see him be hurt by my daughter breaks my heart. She does not understand how he is dying inside not being able to talk to her. And my heart is broken. My family is struggling right now and we have never had issues like this. Her stepmom is so hurt and I cant fix it. I am embarrassed and disgusted by her behavior and I just dont know if things will ever be the same again. 

I have found myself with a desire to have a relationship for me. I almost miss having a relationship with a man. I am not 100% convinced this is what I need or want but I am opening my mind and playing along a little bit. I dont really want sex in the waking hours but at night I have intense sex dreams. Like maybe the desire is still there I just can not get past all the emotional wounds during waking hours to consider it. It's been over a year since I have talked to D and just about a year since I took him to court and maybe I am moving through the healing process. I dont know for sure yet but I am cautiously optimistic. 

I do still keep myself super busy. I work about 60hours per week still and just focus on parenting and work. It is easier that way, but I see it for what it is and it is a good distraction. That is allowing me to pay off so much debt and put me in a better financial situation. 

The other way I know that my sex drive is not dead yet is I have had the desire to mastrubate like twice in the last few weeks, after months and months of no desire. It made me laugh to realize just how quickly I came. There was very little effort and a great physical response. So, I guess the sex drive may have been revived just a little bit. 

Seasons of Change

 I know I have talked about changes in my life and I am in a new season of life. This season includes sending my child off to college. I had very few emotions about it at first but my child has been a raging idiot as she acclimates to college life. Her presence is missed in my life, in our home. It is quieter here. It is different not better or worse just different. It is taking some time to adjust. I have actually had the ability to cry about this change in the past few weeks. Crying is so hard for me and it caught me off guard how I felt and that crying came so easily. 

Sadness is not without growth. I few things have become clear to me in the last few weeks. I have felt like I have been parenting for so long and sometimes I take for granted the time with my younger children. My best friend is my ride or die and I am so grateful for our relationship. I also feel like I dont know if I will want to be alone as my younger children get older. Im not sure how I would have survived my oldest moving to college if I did not have the younger ones to focus on. I am thinking a lot about life in general lately. I dont really love that. I would much prefer to stay in a state of unbothered bliss and not think about life's greatest questions. 

The kids just went back to school and so I made a dick appointment with the neighbor. I have not seen him all summer. I have not seen anyone all summer. I made an appointment for 9, then I cancelled. Then he offered 12 and I declined and then he caught me at 12:50 and said he would be here in 5 minutes and I allowed it. I just did not want to have sex. I did not want to be touched. I dont want intimacy or closeness. I unlocked the door and went up stairs and waited for him. Wearing my boyshort panties and t-shirt I stood there trying to talk myself into that this was going to be ok. 

I like this guy. He is nice and clean and familiar but I really did not want to suck his dick, but I did. While Im doing it I am trying to stop the thoughts of "why am I doing this" and my disgust in general. I do it for a few minutes, just enough and not a second more. He says "from the back" and I say "you know it". I get on my knees on the bed and things begin. Now to be clear it feels so good. It feels really good. We fucking like that for awhile and then he fucks me from the side and then missionary and Im about done. I was done 10 minutes ago but I cant just be like stick it in til I cum and bounce. He wants me to suck it until he cums. He asks me if I want him to cum on my face. That is a firm no and I am reminded that there was a time that I was craving that. And now the thought of it sickens me. 

The problem here is that I dont know who I am anymore. I can not see myself as the sexually hyperactive women that I was. Im not the submissive I  once was. I am no longer needed by my children in the same way. Some of this change might just be the stage of life but so much of it is hormonal changes coupled with the heartbreak of D. I find it hard to connect with people in the same way I used to and I think that is part of my inability to tolerate the thought of being in a relationship.  

As I just re-read that I thought maybe I should start hormone replacement therapy. Im not even in menopause yet I just know my hormone levels are declining. 

I kind of miss having a person lately if I am being honest. I also have been thinking maybe I just need a dog. I dont know where this will lead but I'll keep you posted. 

In Touch

 I am not someone who is into my appearance. I dont wear makeup, I dont dress fancy, and I just generally dont think about what I look like. But in my house there is this one mirror I tend to catch myself in a lot. And when I do I really look at myself. And for the last few months I have been thinking about how my face looks brighter. Maybe lighter. Maybe is is less stressed. I just like the way that it looks. And today I did gaze at myself and I was overcome with this sense of really owning my body. And while I dont know if men will ever appreciate this but I will try to bring you with me through this epiphany. 

My entire adult life my body has been used for someone else's enjoyment. To the point that (in particularly with D) I feel like I had to turn off part of my senses to allow his wants and needs to take over. And being submissive with a man sort of relays the message that your body is not your own but I am not sure I ever soaked in the trauma that can cause. 

When D and I had sex for hours when he would come over, despite me being in pain and despite me not wanting to do it at all, I was giving my body to him. What he wanted from me came first and what I needed was of no importance at all. I was happy to do this at the time. I think it made me feel powerful. It really made me feel as though I was getting what I wanted, at least at the time. 

And in the mirror today I saw myself and had such a grounded and in touch feeling in my body. I felt so in tune with my body, so in love with my body, so protective of my body. I dont know what happened or has changed or maybe I have just healed enough but it felt amazing.  It was a physical sensation that just washed through me. 

Each time I have these "ah ha" moments I think I have understood it all. That I have reached the peak but more always comes. D ghosting me truly broke me but from these pieces I have created something new. Something better that I dont even really understand yet. 

I've been feeling more and more like sex might be something I should think about. I know with the right partner it will be good for my body. 

People text me and I cant bring myself to even respond. I feel like I am not for everyone. You need to work for my attention and saying "hey" is not cutting it. If "hey" is all you have to add to my life then you can keep it moving.

And I know men talk about how women in their mid 40's are too selective and standards are too high. At least for me, it is 100% true because I finally have found myself without the fucking sex cravings running my life and with out the need for some man-child to make me feel wanted. It is fucking amazing! I love this for me. I never would have believed this could be me really feeling this way. Never. If you are a long time reader I not sure you could have seen it coming either. Somedays I feel like I have won the lottery. 

I have such good relationships with my kids, with my parents, with my sister, with my ex's, with my friends. I dont want for much these days. And I write that because I want to remind myself of that when the dark days come. On more than one occasion I have used this blog to remind myself of the turmoil I have been through with men and how much energy I have put into men. If I regret anything it is that! 

The energy lost on pointless encounters that ended up being bad or left me feeling flat is a huge regret.  I can only imagine this is what addicts says when they talk about alcohol or drugs. And I do worry for when the day comes that D calls me and I have to face that again. I hope I feel strong like I do today. 

Sex & Money

 I broke the spell of celibacy. It all started the other day when the neighbor was walking by my house and he looked good to me. Which was weird to me that I feel like that because he is not someone I would typically be attracted to but I wanted him in that moment. And since that moment I was a little more open to having sex. And as the universe always does, it sent some dick my way. The guy I call cone dick reached out. I have not seen him in maybe 6 months. I happened to have the house free on the middle of a Saturday afternoon and the plan was set. I did tell him that I would need to confirm the day of because my feelings have been fleeting lately. He did not confirm he just came over. I was so nervous! It was insane. He looked good to me. Frankly I have been seeing him for I think 3 years now and I could not pick him out of a crowd if I needed to. So each time it seems to be a surprise. lol. I do like him all the way around. I feel like we have very similar values in terms of raising our children, careers, life in general. And I like how he fucks. 

We always start from the back and it was only a few minutes or seconds before I was fucking him and inching my knees forward some my pussy could get more of the dick. It was really good. He tells me to flip over and he fucks me without a condom for the first time. This made such a big difference for me. I dont look at him at all. I feel myself intentionally not looking at him but I do not know why I could not look at him. He did finally come in me. He is one of these men who come and you can feel it intensely. It made me come. It was really good. We laid in the bed for a few minutes talking. Not touching really just laying there parallel to each other with his hand resting on my my ass. We both almost fell asleep and then it was time to wrap it up. 

It was a great re-introduction to sex. It was the perfect amount of time and I cant say anything bad about it. And it was nice. I did not feel the submission desire as I do or did, but it was ok. 

Part of my nervousness was not wanting to devote the time to having sex. In my head I am calculating how much it will cost me to fuck for an hour, when I could be working. I feel like I have been hyper focused on money in the last few months. It is like I traded my sex addiction for my financial goals. 

Another Holiday

 Holidays have always been a difficult time for me. My naive fantasies of what a holiday celebration should look like with the stark reality of what my life looks like is hard. Despite loving my life and the choices have made I am cognizant that it looks different than what media would have me believe is the standard. Even this weekend, not a particularly big holiday but it still comes with pressure. My youngest asking me what we are doing for Memorial Day and me over hearing all the stay at home moms with the the money for two houses and cars that cost almost as much as my home talking about going to their shore home etc...For me and my family this long weekend looks like recovery. Both of my girls broke their foot and are in boots now. My youngest is still struggling with respiratory issues and we are heading to a new specialist this week. I cut down my job obligations when I left my 3rd temp job but I have been able to pick up more hours on my 2nd job and all I do is work. I work, I clean and take care of the house, I exercise and I sleep. I do little else with my life. And for right now that feels good. 

I did feel obligated to get the kids outside today. We headed to my sisters where we just literally sat and chatted, while I worked. My mom was there too. They complained about their spouses and I had nothing to complain about.  Sometimes I think about all my mom has sacrificed to be with my dad and I feel bad for her. They have been together since she has been 17 and he 19 and it was anything but easy. I used to beg for them to divorce. Their relationship is and always has been toxic. My dad is a good man with so many wonderful qualities but being a good communicator is not one of them. Sometimes I think he is just mean to my mom and I can not figure out why. And I see my mom resents him. It is just a cluster fuck and frankly there is too much peace in my life for me to find myself in a place like that. I would be lying if I did not think their relationship has not impacted my new found independence and need for peace in my home. I dont want to be my mom's age and have that horrible full body angst that only a man can fill me with. 

As I was driving home I drove past the neighbor's house and he has not called me like he usually does. I feel a little fucked up about this. I liked him boosting my confidence and making me feel wanted even though the thought of fucking anyone makes me cringe. I walked out of my house the other day and he was walking his dogs right in front of me. My kids were outside with me and I was talking to them and it is this him catching me in the wild and the two of us acting as though we dont see each other that I live for. I absolutely love the secret of it all. 

My mind is a little bit all over tonight, so I am skipping around a bit. My friend has been so busy this holiday weekend it makes me feel like I am not doing it right. She has had non-stop events and plans for days now and I am just sitting in my peaceful home working. I try to balance what I want and need and what my kids want and need and that's how we ended up at my sisters. My sisters house is wild. They have two very nice dogs and my kids love to interact and play with the dogs. They have a big yard and believe that the yard is for the kids to destroy and have fun in. For a visual, the kids Little Tykes play house that the kids played with for the last 12 years still sits in the yard. The kids have painted it, attached a mailbox to it, decorated with Christmas garland and filled in cracks with spray foam (just for fun). There are toys in the driveway at all times, and projects that are being worked on. Today my niece and daughter dug a river in the middle of the yard and got the hose out to fill it and added sticks and giant branches for bridges. That river will stay like that until the elements erode it away and they could not care less that there yard looks a mess. I half love it and half want to fix it. Im all for kids using my house and yard to be kids but they might take it a bit too far. But my kids LOVE it there.  They have a great inground pool but it is just too cold to swim yet. We all had pizza, we laughed, we relaxed and that is all I could ever hope for on a holiday weekend. I have to remind myself that I am not here to make anyone but myself happy, well my kids and then myself. 

I feel like I am in a growth and healing journey in my life right now. And maybe I cannot just open myself up to people like I could before as I am allowing myself to feel the feelings that I have been running from for so long. There are deep reasons, I assume, for my current feelings on sex. I do find myself seeing that I am using work as an escape from things I don't want to acknowledge. I am happy to work all day every day. I force myself to do the other things like cook for the kids and take a walk. It just feels nice in this mental protective cocoon. No wandering thoughts, no wondering how my life will go in the next chapter, no worries about the kids. I just let my mind get lost in the details of work and it feels so freeing. It's like what swimming does for my body. The weightlessness and freedom from pain and the soothing feel of the water. Work gives me that. I feel like sex used to give me that. And to be frank D ruined that for me. 

The Unfuckening

 The Unfuckening is a word my friend has used for years. She used it to describe the period of time of when her daughter came home from her Dad's house to her house. The child needed hours sometimes the rest of the day to realign. The change of being Daddy's daughter in his house to being Mommy's daughter in Mommy's house took time to adjust to. She would need time on the couch, sometimes being alone, sometimes cuddling, sometimes she would cry and sometimes she would yell. It was a definitive period of time in which she was not herself. This child I know so well would need so much space and soothing that I sometimes felt like I did not recognize her until the unfuckening was over. 

This is where I am at, or at least I hope. I hope I am in a period of time in which my mind and spirit are adjusting. I need peace and soothing and I will eventually come back to myself and people will recognize me again. 

The last day or two I have tried to imagine myself wanting to talk to a man again. It really all started with driving past one of those "We Buy Gold" shops the other day. I thought about gold and who just has gold laying around to sell. I dont have any gold and then D popped in my head. He always wore his gold chain with his charm that said Trinidad in the shape of the country on it. For so many years I remember seeing that gold chain lay on my breasts while he fucked me. I would watch the sweat on his chest bead up around the chain. .....Ok so as I am typing that I have a crazy urge to call him and beg him to come to me. I will not do that but dammit the instinct was there. 

As I go around life I dont think about D. For example, I dont miss him per se but there are things that make me feel like I might just find him and make him talk to me. Sometimes I think that he is embarrassed of his behavior and wants to forget it and therefore me. I mainly think he is mad about the wage garnishment now but that is a hill that I will die on. That was the right thing for me to do. If I lost good dick on that then so be it. 

When I look in on myself from the outside of my life I feel sadness for me. I can see how devastated this has left me. If I sit with that for too long it will be hard to go on. If I let myself believe that I will never see the man I loved that hard again it feels like I just quite catch my breath. 

There is a fine line between just leaving things where they are and not begging him to talk to me and completely offering my self and dignity to him again. There are days when this line feels like it will be crossed. It feels like I will never be happy again until he is in my bed again and that gold chain is dangling on my white skin. I text my friend every time I get there so she can talk me off the ledge. 

This past week I had a crazy bad stomach virus. It was so bad that I needed to go to the ER for fluids because I was unable to stand from dehydration. I got to the hospital, I had my daughter drop me off. I went to the desk alone, hunched over in pain, sweating profusely and the nurses attended to me. They took my temperature and got very worried (Spoiler Alert - the temp was wrong and I did not have a fever). The nurses were initially concerned that I was septic and moved very fast and in that moment I was finally able to cry. I have waited to cry for so long and I leaned into it. I was there for maybe 8 hours and I cried several times out of desperation and feeling so bad. I tried to let me self cry about D but the tears would instantly stop. I could not do it. I dont know what stops me. I suspect it's one of two things or a little of both. 1- perhaps I'm just so fucking pissed off at the way he treated me in the end that I cannot even believe that I would shed another tear for this piece of shit or 2- I am afraid to feel those feelings because they are so intense. 

Im just want to put out in to the universe that I am open to a dark-skin island man with a giant cock. I think that would help me turn the tide. And universe please let him have a job and a car and the emotional intelligence to be with me. 

Dead Inside

 I am tempted but held back by the reality that feelings are fleeting. It is at the tip of my tongue to announce and declare but I only hold back because I am afraid I will look foolish if the situation changes. I have never held back so I am going to dance around this a little bit and keep my words less than definitive. I feel like I am done with sex. 

I have not come to this lightly. I have not come to this recently but I feel like it has somehow been cemented recently. I dont like it. I dont want to feel like this. I have such great memories of how good I can feel having sex and how the fantasies and sex talk and build up and the after glow and all the goodness  of sex. The intensity of the submission! I could spend hours talking about how beautiful and amazing submission is. But it feels like that it no longer suits me. I feel like I am not the same person I once was allowing a man to dominate me feels uncomfortable and foreign to me. I can not get into the same headspace. 

My friend who has seen me at the height of my sexual intensity and now see me questioning if I even want to pursue sex with anyone reminds me to be gentle with myself. She reminds me how this past year without D has been like grieving a partner that died, because he just disappeared. And what I think is more devastating that loosing someone to something like death is being left in limbo and not knowing what is happening and where they are. His behavior is unforgivable - or at least that's how I feel right now. I feel like I dont know if I can ever really recover from that damage. It is like he changed me on a cellular level. I hate to give him that power but he was my everything for so long and sex just does not feel good because I dont feel connected to anyone and I have zero desire. 

I have been having crazy vivid sex dreams the last week and I know my body needs sex. So I reach out to the neighbor. I have no excitement of his visit. I just feel numb. I just wish I could lay with my back to him and him just fuck me from behind like that.  I do not want to suck his dick. I do. It was alright but it was just a functional thing to get me where we needed to go. We fuck and it felt good for the most part but not great. There was no sexual feeling. It was just mechanical. He was talking a lot which I did not mind because I was just so over the whole thing, but he finishes and that is that. I was more excited to talk with him while he was cleaning up and getting dressed than I was fuck him. 

I did pre-game a bit before he came over. I made myself cum twice. Which was great because that was out of the way. I have not even done that in months. And again I only did it because of these ridiculous dreams where I wake up moving like Im fucking someone. SMFH. 

My friend, reminds me that I have had a really particularly difficult few months. I can not even begin to stress that enough. It has been difficult for me but sometimes Im afraid if I stop to acknowledge and think about how challenging it has been that I will crumble. 

Ive been working 3 jobs since Feb 1st and I just let go of one of the jobs. The project was ending in the next 3 weeks and I can not continue to commit the time needed to it so I need to pull the plug on it. I feel a little bit more settled that I do not have that 3rd obligation, but my daughter's health and for a few weeks my health was so bad it really took a toll on me. Then there was the $3300 plumbing repair last week. Which was a follow up to the $300 plumbing issue we had the week before. 

It feels like my kids need me more than ever and that they want to spend time with me. And for me that feels good and I like taking care of them and being right next to them. At night when I need some alone time I often find all 3 of my kids are all less than 10 feet from me. They find comfort in me and I in them. We feel very much like a team. And even though I never wanted to be a single mom I feel like I have embraced and enjoyed leading my team and I am proud of my work. 

So my mind is on all these other things and sex just seems so insignificant. And there is no desire, no lust. What's the point? I sometimes think I would not mind having a conversation with someone but even that seems like too much of a task. Life is easier when I keep my contacts to a minimal. 

The Anniversery

 D has been on my mind the last few days. I think maybe because April 2024 was the last time I saw him. It has really been a year since I have been with him and that fact makes me sad. I have a lot of these thoughts in my car when I am alone. I try to work through what it is I am missing about him and it is not a clear answer. There is so much I do not miss. I do not miss feeling the constant anxiety about our relationship. I do not miss feeling like I have to perform sexually in order to receive love. I do not miss never knowing what his next step was going to be. But I do miss the intimacy we had. I miss being naked and free and not holding back anything with my body. I miss the way he took charge and loved my body and the way he accepted me. I miss that aspect of our relationship that allowed me to be seen as someone other than a mother. He never saw me as a mother. He always so me as his lover and our conversations were never about kids. And when I say never I should say in the first 21 years it was just us, in the last year it was about the meshing of our lives and children. I miss that level of freedom with another person. Also, and this is oddly specific but the comfort level with our bodies was such that if I was ill and unable to physically clean myself I would be comfortable with him helping me with that. And it would not have felt weird and it would not have ruined out sex life. It would have been very matter of fact and then we move on. And that is the kind of intimacy I miss. All in all it is a small price to pay for the peace that I now have in life. When I say I have peace, I mean that I have never known a relaxed state of mind that I currently feel. It if fucking amazing. Im not angry, I dont feel nervous about the relationship. I am not trying to plan us blending our families. I am just cool. Life is easy for the most part. I feel content and happy the majority of the time. I LOVE not living with a man and dont ever want to do it again. 

I was going to invite New D over but I just want the sex and no real talking and I dont want him to stay long. I have not been able to work that into a conversation yet but to me it is clear he will not be able to meet my needs in terms of a relationship but there is no reason we should not be fucking. 

And my life has been busy this year. The 3 jobs, the vacation, the virus from hell, my daughter's illness has left little time to think about sex. Very little time. I want to have sex now but realistically there is a low chance I can make that happen with my schedule. Most of the time this feeling will pass so we will see if I just ignore it if it will go away. 

The Shift

 We finally got discharged from the hospital. It is so good to be home. JF is still in town and continues to be around. It is so nice to have him around to help. The kids wanted to go to see the Minecraft Movie and I asked him to take the kids because I needed to catch up on work. He did not feel well (which I know because he has been staying in the hospital all week and they wake my daughter up every 2 hours for breathing treatments and during the day he has been doing some work things). We were both exhausted but I did pressure him a bit to do it. I feel for him but for the last 3 years I have done it all by myself and he has had that time off. While I did lay the guilt on a little bit he still did it and for that I was so grateful. I just needed to some time alone, time to work and time to decompress and my kids needed something fun to take their mind off a difficult week. I did pay for tickets and the Panera order after because his "money is low". I understand and Im not mad about that. He did thank me for the day and I thanked him for being there for me and the kids. And let him know how much we all love him being around. 

I feel good about this shift in our relationship. I feel like we have reconnected in a way that is so positive for our children. I dont feel so alone in taking care of the kids, I dont feel so burdened with everything. Im not sure if he will ever understand how important he presence in his children's and my life it. You just cant create a family and not leave a gaping hole when you disappear. 

My daughter is doing well. Recovery is slow, she is tired and working on her stamina but we are getting there. I am thinking she will go to school for maybe a 1/2 day tomorrow and life will get back to normal. 

1st Love

Its been a week. My youngest has been not well for weeks with a lingering cough and then we got a horrible flu like virus which spurred her to get pneumonia. So we have been in the hospital since Monday. I have had some eye opening experiences. 

First, as we were walking to the Pediatric Wing we passed two black men in the hallway. They were some type of janitorial employees. As I walked passed them I thought I would fuck them and as we passed they started talking in what I can only explain as the sweetest sound of island vernacular that I have heard in some time. It was a sexual burst through my body. Not only did I look back but I wanted to fuck so badley in that momnet. And then I thought to myself. My sex problem is maybe just about me not having what I want. I am the type of person who would rather go without then have something that I do not love. My therapist said I have a "very black and white way of thinking". I think about how this shows up in my life other than sex. Food. For example, these few days I have been in the hospital I have not been drinking my favorite pick me up, Dr. Pepper, because if I can not have an ultra chilled can of Dr. Pepper from my fridge that keeps it at the right temp then I dont want it. I dont want a dull fountain soda, or a pugent plastic bottle. I would rather just skip it all together and have it when I get home.  Clothes are this way too. If the clothes dont fit perfectly and feel the way I need them to then I can not do it. I dont even try to do. For this reason my clothes are sometimes not up to date and well worn. 

At my core, I love men with an accent. My first love is the island accent but other accents will do it for me too. I just need an island man to put it on me. I think thats what I am missing. Im not convinced that I dont want sex I think I would just rather not have then have dick that does not meet my needs. Is there a website to meet island men for this reason? My girlfriend tells me I need to go to Jamica. I told her I will fuck around and come home with a STD. I can imagine I would not be able to control myself there. I just dont know where I meet a 50 year old carribean man with a big dick. I thought I had it with that one guy from the summer but after our last fuck I am done with him. He knows it too because he has not called me. 

So then there is JF. Monday night I stayed at the hospital with my daughter and Felix came Tuesday at 1pm. He came in the room and walked up to me and put his hands up for a hug. I said "oh ok we hugging. You have not talked to me 3 years but we are hugging now" as i stood up to hug him. And I leaned into it. I let myself hug him and suck all the intamacy I needed from it. There is no tenstion between us, which makes me happy because if there was he would not have been able to stay here with my daughter. I would not stress her out with that. But it was easy as it always has been between us and I felt so good about that. He spent the night last night so I could get some sleep and I relieved him this morning and he is coming back tonight to stay while I go home to sleep again. We are working well together and for the first time in YEARS I feel like I have someone who is invested in these children. We were talking to our daughter last night about when she was a baby that her dad was in charge of taking care of her everynight so I could sleep. We all laughed. It was good to reminisce and have my daughter see how we can laugh together. 

Lost

 So much in me has changed in the last year. I think about how little I have thought about sex in the last few months and how little my body craves it. The moments where my body does crave it are fleeting and are easily washed away with little effort. Im not sure what has happened here. I am a little bit perplexed and I dont quite know how to fit it in to my identity. For so long I have seen myself as a sexual person and someone who loves sex. And now I would not describe myself as that. 

Is is perimenopause? Is it the continual hurt at the hands of D? Is it just maturing and finding more self-confidence? I really can not put my finger on it. Maybe it is the combination of it all, a perfect storm. I would be lying if I did not say that I was a little bit lost in this new world. 

For the last 3 months I have occupied my time with work. And having three jobs has really done a lot to eat up my free time, but as I prepare for my 3rd job to wind down as it is temporary I am nervous as to where to put my extra free time. I am nervous that I might a man's company. And on a logical level in a clear mind I am really not ever feeling like seeing a man, or talking to a man, or being close to a man. But what if my body starts to crave that. Can I go back to compartmentalizing men to just dick and just tolerate the rest of them? Im not sure. I have never in my life felt quite like this. 

My friend often asks me if I think if D will reach back out to me. I dont think about D too often. He does creep into my mind sometimes but for the most part he not part of my everyday mindset. I do not think he will reach back out to me. And if he does reach back out to me it will be some kind of end of life love profession that he feels like he needs to share before he leaves this earth. I know that D loved me deeply as I did him. For whatever reason he felt like whatever he was dealing with was so big, so emotionally scary for him he could only disappear without talking about it. I wish I could say he would want to know about his daughter and would reach out about her, but that is not likely. He does not seem to have any strong connections to her nor her to him. 

Of course if I am wrong I will be running here to share it all because no one in my life could understand it more than the people who read these pages and who have been sharing this journey with me over the years. 

So I am going to wait and see if some kind of feelings kick off and I want to have sex. Yesterday and today I have been craving food and I thought "I wonder when I am going to get my period", I had to check that app and my period is due tomorrow. So I went through a whole cycle with out feeling that intense desire to fucked. I dont think that has ever happened. 

I both worried and relieved. Not a slave to sex but a freed slave with no purpose anymore. I feel lost. 

Fired Up

 I forgot to mention in my last post the following. I felt like it needed to be said. Part of what I enjoyed on vacation was the lack of Americans. I know that is harsh and as an American I do not feel pride about the people that make up this place. We all know I love a man from any country but this one but turns out I like all people from other countries more than I like Americans. I dont say that to hurt egos but more to call out Americans and remind them that there are other ways of existing. The American dream and the American way of life are not the only way and in fact may not be the better way. Just food for thought. 

This morning I woke up at 3am for my typical middle of the night wake and for some reason I auto-pilot check my email. And I see an email that I missed from earlier from the court officer for the wage garnishment of D letting me know they received their first payment from his employer. This gave me a shot of euphoria because there is nothing I love more than the thought of that fucktard thinking about me every single time he looks at his paycheck. It was a great feeling. 

So this afternoon JF said he will come to see the kids. He shows up at 7pm and stands outside to talk to the kids. My daughter invites him in, he stays outside. I text him to tell him to come in and he does not. He calls me and asks me how the vacation was and I talk to him about it and share with him. I ask him if he responded to the court about the child support. He says he is not paying child support. I remind him he can go to jail. He says he will just leave the country and so on. He says he will pay me but he is not going through the court. I remind him again that he had that chance already and he chose to ignore me and not support me and not talk to the kids and pretty much a complete dead beat for the last year so that chance is over. I told him I will not drop the case, he said we will talk about that later. Meanwhile my kids are outside with him and I look out the window and they are throwing rocks and his dumb ass is standing right there like he cant see that they are throwing rocks. I cant even get mad. I just smh at this fool. 

I take a short drive so I can talk to my mom about this interaction. I say to mom what the fuck is wrong with me that I let these men get away with so much. It is not even in my character to let some  bullshit slide so why did I let them get away with so much. I am frustrated with myself for how I let myself be led by these utter fucking fools. And now I have lumped in all men in this category but with everything in my soul I can NEVER go back to a place where I feel the way I did about D or JF. I lost myself and I dont know what I was hoping to get but I never did get it JF and D I would only have the connection I craved sometimes. It was just enough to keep me salivating for more. I knew all the factors needed to create the bliss were there but it was an absolute guessing game as to when, how and the duration of that connection.

I have this app on my phone where everyday I (or as often as I remember) I log what I am grateful for and today I am grateful that hard part of my life when I was chasing a deep connection that never got fulfilled is over. I am grateful I have learned to stand alone and in peace and that no one can take away the things I have done in my life and diminish me. In particular the two men in my life who have not succeeded in anyway in life can not define if I have a good day or my level of stress.

I am listening to my "good music" playlist as I write this and how appropriate as I end my thoughts tonight Helen Reddy's "I am Woman" is playing. 

Contentment

 Yesterday I returned from Puerto Rico. I spent the week with my children and my exhusband and his fiancé. It was very nice. I really cant complain about anything. It was so nice to be able to take my kids on a nice vacation. Thanks to my working 3 jobs I was able to work that out.  The travel back damm near killed me. It is just a lot of mental stamina needed to sit still all day and keep intrusive thoughts about our plane dropping out of the sky is a lot.  I had a couple of thoughts from my week out of the stress and business of my regular week. 

First, the walk through the San Juan Airport made me horny. The smell of the men (they smelled good) and the men all just looked good to me. I would have loved a quick fucking in an airport bathroom stall but these things dont happen in real life, just porn videos.  I would have also would have been up for a quick fuck in the hotel room with just about anyone of the men I saw there but you know children make that impossible and it was not that kind of vibe there. Or at least that was the feeling I was getting. 

I also noticed in my endless amount of time to think about all the men in my life, I think about D and I smile and think positively about all the good dick but I do not miss him. I definitely feel so much more at peace in my life with him out of my life. My only regret is that I could not have ended because it needed to stop. 

I dont miss men in my life. I just dont feel a longing to share my life with a man. Maybe when my kids are older I will feel a little bit lonely but I am not thinking so. I revel this contentment in my life. It is amazing. 

My body is ready for a fuck though. I think I am going to call the neighbor. I talked to Big D about coming over but we left up in that air and I am not really feeling like talking. Like I  would just want him to come over for an hour and leave and Im not sure if he is up for that. It just seems easier to fuck the neighbor. 

Feeling Nothing

I made plans with the neighbor last week because I knew my body needed sex. My mind and spirit did not want it but I knew my body was craving it. I was in the shower when he arrived and by the time I came out of the shower he was naked with a semi hard dick. I come out with a towel on and bend over to suck his dick. He eventually turns me around and fucks me from behind. I was loving it. My body really did need it and I was quickly in a zone. At one point I got on my side and he was behind me and he reached around and grabbed my pussy from the front and I dont know what it was about this move but it kicked me up a notch. The whole thing lasted about 25 minutes, he came inside of me and I felt amazing. He left and I got ready for work and headed out. It is the ideal situation. We have been fucking like this for 5 years now. 

Then Big D reached out to me. We eventually agreed on meeting up last night. Saturday at 7. Now deep down in my soul I had zero expectation that he would show up but I was willing to give him a try. He always runs late and last night was not different. We agreed on 7. He showed up at 8:40p. How do I have 3 jobs, 3 kids and still manage to be respectful of other peoples time. It was on the tip of tongue to cancel but I did want some dick but I was anxious about his visit. I went to cancel so many times but I did not. When he walked in I did not feel anything. I said "let sit down stairs for awhile". I was trying to see how I would feel when we talk and reconnect. We had good conversation but during the conversation I knew I was not feeling anything but I moved the night upstairs because I wanted the dick. Now because he was almost 2 hours late I was almost asleep when we were fucking. From what I remember it was good but I dont remember much. We fell asleep. I woke up at 7:40a and he is sleeping. I dont know if I can articulate just how unhappy I was about this. The visual of this man - who I do not love- in my bed, sleeping like he belonged there made me mad. I woke him up and said "you got to go". I was not rude just matter of fact. I have things to do and kids were up or waking up. I dont want him in my real life. After that I am pretty sure I dont ever want to see another man asleep in bed. Big D ruined what I did feel for him. He had so much potential. We are very compatible and I like talking to him but when he switched up and stopped talking to me because he "was stressed" I just thought to myself I am not doing this shit with anyone else. D and no Big D have left me feeling like men cannot be trusted with my affection. Im done. I might fuck him again but that has to be a day time thing for like and hour and then he has to bounce. 

Just thinking back on it I would have rathered spent the evening scrolling tik too and sleeping early. 

Amazing

 It's been a month of celibacy, by choice. I cannot believe the change in my level of contentment from this year from what it was last year. I feel whole and content and at peace with where I am for the first time in my life. I dont feel like an animal in heat. I just feel good. 

I dont feel like I have so much to say but I just wanted to update everyone. I am working non-stop and it is so good for my mental health. Currently no man is on my mind and I am just making money and getting shit done. I love this state of mind. 

Be Careful of Me

So Big D has not been keeping up with me like I need him to. I have noticed his distance. He tells me he has not lost interest but his actions say something different. I don't love him but I do like him and I just wanted to have sex with him. Primarily because the sex is really good and he makes me feel good when I am with him. But this monogamy that I have been participating, although voluntary, has been making me too dependent on him. And then I feel like I need him. This is where the problem comes into play. If I need him and he does not give me the attention I want then I feel rejected and anxious. And it is not a normal amount of anxiety. It is crippling anxiety. My body give me cues that I need sex but not always in the way that I expect. Sometimes I feel it in my pussy, it aches for stretching and and it craves something in it. Othertimes it is a sense of just wanting to be touched but something that is kind of a new discovery for me is my body will just feel a chaotic storm of emotions. I can not articulate what it is, I can not tie the feeling to an event but it is so uncomfortable. I try so many things to make it stop. It does not feel like sexual repression and I am not sure if it is sexually rooted or if it is more of something that gives me comfort. Like having sex, be it good or bad, will give my mind the mental break it needs. 

So as Big D has been distant I have had this increase in anxiety and stress. Again I am left lingering to figure out if it is me. Today the anxiety was so intense I really had to take a deep dive into how to relieve it. I thought about and edible but that takes like 2+ hours to feel and it is not always the right type of relief. I thought about sugar or food and that was not working for me. I laid in my bed and spent sometime just breathing but the anxiety would not quit. I finally said I am just going to call some dick. I did not know if it would work but I was willing to give it a whirl. I called the Jamaican I saw over the summer. His dick is average size the sex was not bad. It is not fantastic but it would do what I needed it to. He was not available when I called but he said I could come to his place this evening. I told him I would think about it. 

The anxiety kept rising and it took everything it me to get into the shower and get in the car. Once I was in the car, I put on my music and enjoyed the ride. I was nervous once I got to his house and when I go in it was a very quick pants off dick out and lets fuck. This was EXACTLY what I was looking for. I did not want anything else. We fucked for about 40 minutes with a few minute break in there like 2x. He was fucking me and pulled it out and missed on the re-entry. It really hurt! Hurt in a bad way. That kind of killed it for me. We fucked for some more but I said I was done, that my pussy hurt and I was going to go. It hurt not all that bad after a few minutes but I was done. I got what I needed and I did not care to much about him cumming. And frankly I dont know what was taking him so long to come. Fuck man read the room and come already. I got up to get dressed and he was trying to "sweet talk" me into "one more round".  He was not aggressive in anyway but what I thought about if I give him a firm no was he going to let me leave this house. I thought about the exit of the house and how it would go down if this man did not want to let me leave. As a PSA to all men, I am a women who has not been a victim of rape or violence but I am on a primary level still afraid to make a man mad. I did relent and let him hit it one more round and then I quickly gathered myself and bounced. He did walk me to my car which was nice but I really wanting to get out of there. 

So this man owns a home and has been out of work for awhile because he was injured in a car accident.  But he has been ok. So he has had like 3 months of not working and his house looks like a fucking train wreck. I can not even really articulate what the problem is. Someplaces were clean-ish but there was a lot of stuff everywhere. And the residual smells of ethnic cooking. I was getting the dick and my thought was I am going to have to wash my hair tonight to get his smell off of me. I never in my life want to smell an immigrants food in my house again as long as I live. So I just thought what does he think when he comes to my house? My house is clean but sometimes cluttered with the kids shit but compared to his house my house looks like I hit with some showroom shine. I was just disgusted a little bit and thought to myself I dont like being in a mans space. I could have went my whole life with out seeing how he lives. 

The anxiety has left me for tonight and I feel like ripping the band-aid off of ending the monogamy has released the pressure I felt building in my body. As I drove home and listened to Cardi B I felt like a mother fucking beast! It was like a mental reset for me. I hate that dick is so important for me. I dont want to be 60 years old looking for a hard cock to calm me down. I need to figure this out. 

As for Big D, I dont know where that is going go but I dont feel so desperate for his attention. I did get on Tinder for a hot minute yesterday but I got tired of of the same fucking shit men say and I just wanted to be done with it. 

Cardi B - Be Careful (These lyrics hit me tonight)

Yeah
Be careful, be careful, be careful with me, uh
Yeah, look

I wanna get married, like the Currys, Steph and Ayesha shit
But we more like Belly, Tommy and Keisha shit
Gave you TLC, you wanna creep and shit
Poured out my whole heart to a piece of shit
Man, I thought you would've learned your lesson
'Bout likin' pictures, not returnin' texts
I guess it's fine, man, I get the message
You still stutter after certain questions
You keep in contact with certain exes
Do you, though, trust me, nigga, it's cool, though
Said that you was workin', but you're out here chasin' culo
And putas, chillin' poolside, livin' two lives
I could've did what you did to me to you a few times
But if I did decide to slide, find a nigga
Fuck him, suck his dick, you would've been pissed
But that's not my M.O., I'm not that type of bitch
And karma for you is gon' be who you end up with
You make me sick, nigga

The only man, baby, I adore
I gave you everything, what's mine is yours
I want you to live your life of course
But I hope you get what you dyin' for
Be careful with me, do you know what you doin'?
Whose feelings that you hurtin' and bruisin'?
You gon' gain the whole world
But is it worth the girl that you're losin'?
Be careful with me
Yeah, it's not a threat, it's a warnin'
Be careful with me
Yeah, my heart is like a package with a fragile label on it
Be careful with me

Care for me, care for me
Always said that you'd be there for me, there for me
Boy, you better treat me carefully, carefully, look

I was here before all of this
Guess you actin' out now, you got an audience
Tell me where your mind is, drop a pin, what's the coordinates?
You might have a fortune, but you lose me, you still gon' be misfortunate, nigga
Tell me, this love's got you this fucked up in the head
You want some random bitch up in your bed?
She don't even know your middle name, watch her 'cause she might steal your chain
You don't want someone who loves you instead? I guess not though
It's blatant disrespect, you nothin' like the nigga I met
Talk to me crazy and you quick to forget
You even got me trippin', you got me lookin' in the mirror different
Thinkin' I'm flawed because you inconsistent
Between a rock and a hard place, the mud and the dirt
It's gon' hurt me to hate you, but lovin' you's worse
It all stops so abrupt, we start switchin' it up
Teach me to be like you so I can not give a fuck
Free to mess with someone else, I wish these feelings could melt
'Cause you don't care about a thing except your mothafuckin' self
You make me sick, nigga

The only man, baby, I adore
I gave you everything, what's mine is yours
I want you to live your life of course
But I hope you get what you dyin' for
Be careful with me, do you know what you doin'?
Whose feelings that you're hurtin' and bruisin'? 
You gon' gain the whole world
But is it worth the girl that you're losin'?
Be careful with me
Yeah, it's not a threat, it's a warnin'
Be careful with me
Yeah, my heart is like a package with a fragile label on it
Be careful with me

Turning the Page

 About 2 months ago I spent a few minutes talking to a physic about D. She told me so very adamantly that he would call me before the year was out. I took solace in this. This claim gave me peace when I needed it. However I already knew that suing him would not bode well for my need for closure. He in fact did not call me before the end of the year. I think I let that sink in yesterday. I allowed myself to have some feelings about it and all in all I was ok. I knew when I filed it that suing him would put a nail in the coffin between us. And while he had all the control that was my way of taking my control back. At the end of the day he did what he felt he needed to do and I did what I felt that I needed to. And that was that. And I am reminded of a line from Shakespeare that I was deeply connected to when I was in school studying it. At that time of innocence I felt like this spoke to me but I never knew why but today, almost 29 years later I feel this in my spirit. I remember reading it for the first time it like it was yesterday.

                "....for there never was a story of more woe then that of Juliet and her Romeo"

I must say overall I am really pleased with where I am starting 2025 mentally, physically, spiritually. I feel so free from the angst and uneasiness D kept me in. I can not remember where I heard this and I might be only getting part of the saying but somewhere I read or heard that a tactic for keeping people you are in power over is too keep them confused and to never let them know your next move. D had this done to a lifestyle. Not only have I been so accustomed to this kind of sporadic behavior I started to believe this was normal. It was life as I knew it. I dont think in consdiently intended to keep me guessing at all times and give me just enough love to string me along but I think he lives in a state of disfunction. This disfunction permeated my life. 

So Big D...Last week I was so horny. It was the week before my period and I swear I just felt like I could have fucked anything. The neighbor was away on vacation or I would have been fucking him. I see my sex drive is back and it is so intense. I had not planned on seeing Big D during the holidays because this was just a time for family for me and well I like some separation of church and state so to speak. But as I spent Christmas Eve at my Mom's house I was overcome with the need to fuck. We spend the entirety of the day there. Around 4 o'clock my sister and her kids were going to church and my kids wanted to see what Catholic Church was like so they went. I took everyone to church in my minivan and then I promptly went home and spend the next 45 minutes watching porn and making myself cum. Afterwards, I told Big D I needed to see him tonight. He came over about 10pm. 

I wish Big D would sometimes just put his dick in my mouth and let us talk later in the time we have together. I feel like he struggles to assert himself this ways and lets me warm up and talk and I dont hate that the second he walks in he not got his dick down my throat but seriously sometimes I need him to press on. He does in his own way. I think when he has had enough talking he knows how to touch me to make me lose my train of thought. 

I told him he needed to fuck me from the back, in fact, I popped up on my knees and said get behind me and fuck me. And it was more like me fucking him. I could not get enough of grinding on his dick. I was intensely fucking him. I needed his dick so bad and I was so grateful he came over tonight when I told him I needed him to come by. The sex was amazing but I have not been able to squirt the last few times we have fucked because he has been here when the kids are here. They block my ability to get deep into the zone. I am hoping I get more comfortable soon. 

I still cant get over how his dick is so big and he never is hurting me like D was. D was hurting me in a bad way a lot. I dont know if it was just too much force putting it in or lack of awareness but he was such a caveman in so many ways. Now fucking a man with a caveman spirit is not all together bad. It has so many benefits, but one drawback he just did not seem to care how I felt. He did not seem to notice if I was not enjoying it or not. He just always assumed I was. 

I have not seen Big D since the 24th, but we made a plan for him to come over Sunday, so I am looking forward to that. I really like Big D. I am not in love with him and I dont know where things will go. I noticed before my period I was very needy and wanted more of his attention and now that I have my period I dont really want to be bothered with conversations on the phone but I do look forward to seeing him. The hormones are intense. I can not stress enough that it is hard to know where I begin and end and where the hormones begin and end. They are both part of me but not me at all in so many ways. 

Physically I am feeling really good. The fatigue that has plagued me for the last 2 years or so has really eased up. It is like night and day and I am starting to ask myself if it all started when D and I started our season of monogamy. I have lost 50lbs now and I am looking forward to losing more. Mentally I feel at peace and content almost all of the time. The times when I  struggle are most certainly  hormone related and I just have to wait those out. 

I have been a little more open about not being monogamous with Big D. The only reason being is that sometimes I want to have sex and he is not here and can not come here. I just feel like if you want me to be monogamous you have to put in the work to make sure you are here when I need it. He did respond promptly on Christmas Eve when I told him I needed it so I give him that. Maybe I will communicate better about what I need before I open up the team again.  

Happy New Year. I am excited to see what this year brings to these pages. 

Default

 What a difference a year can make! I think about where I was mentally and physically this time last year and my life looks very different. I think it is noticeably better and more fulfilling. Mentally I feel strong. Emotionally I feel strong. I dont feel like a weak women waiting for a man to give me what I need. I feel like I am in my own place in life where I make the choices that are best for me and not take the shit that men are willing to give me. 

Big D came over the other day. We hung out downstairs for awhile, maybe two hours or so. The kids were in and out of the room. My daughter was comfortable talking to me in front of him (the oldest). This is quite different than what I have anticipated. My children have no issues with him being here, at least not that they have said. They are usually very vocal about everything so I would imagine they would tell me. They always told me if they did or did not like D being here. 

We eventually went up stairs but we just laid in bed for the longest time talking. Legs intertwined, naked, and just touching and talking. I felt so loved. Something that I have not felt in such a long time. We did ended up having sex. It was just regular sex with not much to tell but at one point he did have to firmly tell me to "Be quiet". We then fell asleep. When I woke up my body felt calm and peaceful. It was like I could physically tell that my body had been held and touched all night and it eased my nerves. It was an intense contentment, if such a paradox could exist. I had to get up to take care of the kids and get them off to school and he had to go as well so there was no time for morning sex but I was satisfied on such a deep level. 

I did have my court hearing with D. He did not show. I did not feel nervous to see him if he did show up. I did not feel anything at all. This was just another day of me taking care of business but when I heard our names called in court and I stood up and identified myself and said "Plaintiff" I just felt so fucking powerful. So many years of crawling at this mans feet has led me to this moment and you could feel the power in my voice. I received a default judgement and then filled out the paperwork to have his wages garnished. Now I just need to take care of the other legal matters with JF. 

I find myself thinking about Big D a lot still. I quietly notice some things about myself and how I react to normal things in a way that reveals my trauma responses. I am quietly talking myself out of these responses.  I imagine these negative feelings washing over me like a wave and I watch them recede from me as easily as they came to me. I try to remind myself that Big D is not D. And I do my best to move away from the patterns of a co-dependent relationship. Big D has done nothing at all to raise a red flag to me. I keep thinking about all the months I have been talking to him. I can not think of anything. At this point in my life I have trouble trusting my own instincts, but I am working on it. 

I did have a weak moment the other day where I almost had sex with the neighbor. More like if he was home I would have. He is out of town for the holidays so that worked out. I dont want to have sex with anyone else but there is just not enough time in the day for me to get the sex I want when I am not living with someone. And my sex drive is BACK. Over the the summer and September and October and November I did not feel the intense sex cravings like I always have but they seem to be back. The feeling that I need dick like I need air is indeed back. I forgot how intense it can be. I dont hate that it is back but it is just something else I need to learn to work with again. I dont think Big D understands what I mean when I say I need to have sex. I dont mean the next day or the weekend, I mean I need it like in the next few hours. I want him to get in the car and drive right to me when I feel like that, but he is an adult with obligations so I guess I can not expect that everytime. 

I am almost tempted to read my blog from a year ago, but I hesitate. I dont want to feel those feelings again. I dont want to get caught up in it. I just want to leave behind.