I know I have talked about changes in my life and I am in a new season of life. This season includes sending my child off to college. I had very few emotions about it at first but my child has been a raging idiot as she acclimates to college life. Her presence is missed in my life, in our home. It is quieter here. It is different not better or worse just different. It is taking some time to adjust. I have actually had the ability to cry about this change in the past few weeks. Crying is so hard for me and it caught me off guard how I felt and that crying came so easily.
Sadness is not without growth. I few things have become clear to me in the last few weeks. I have felt like I have been parenting for so long and sometimes I take for granted the time with my younger children. My best friend is my ride or die and I am so grateful for our relationship. I also feel like I dont know if I will want to be alone as my younger children get older. Im not sure how I would have survived my oldest moving to college if I did not have the younger ones to focus on. I am thinking a lot about life in general lately. I dont really love that. I would much prefer to stay in a state of unbothered bliss and not think about life's greatest questions.
The kids just went back to school and so I made a dick appointment with the neighbor. I have not seen him all summer. I have not seen anyone all summer. I made an appointment for 9, then I cancelled. Then he offered 12 and I declined and then he caught me at 12:50 and said he would be here in 5 minutes and I allowed it. I just did not want to have sex. I did not want to be touched. I dont want intimacy or closeness. I unlocked the door and went up stairs and waited for him. Wearing my boyshort panties and t-shirt I stood there trying to talk myself into that this was going to be ok.
I like this guy. He is nice and clean and familiar but I really did not want to suck his dick, but I did. While Im doing it I am trying to stop the thoughts of "why am I doing this" and my disgust in general. I do it for a few minutes, just enough and not a second more. He says "from the back" and I say "you know it". I get on my knees on the bed and things begin. Now to be clear it feels so good. It feels really good. We fucking like that for awhile and then he fucks me from the side and then missionary and Im about done. I was done 10 minutes ago but I cant just be like stick it in til I cum and bounce. He wants me to suck it until he cums. He asks me if I want him to cum on my face. That is a firm no and I am reminded that there was a time that I was craving that. And now the thought of it sickens me.
The problem here is that I dont know who I am anymore. I can not see myself as the sexually hyperactive women that I was. Im not the submissive I once was. I am no longer needed by my children in the same way. Some of this change might just be the stage of life but so much of it is hormonal changes coupled with the heartbreak of D. I find it hard to connect with people in the same way I used to and I think that is part of my inability to tolerate the thought of being in a relationship.
As I just re-read that I thought maybe I should start hormone replacement therapy. Im not even in menopause yet I just know my hormone levels are declining.
I kind of miss having a person lately if I am being honest. I also have been thinking maybe I just need a dog. I dont know where this will lead but I'll keep you posted.
