Last night I was actually in the mood to get fucked and had the house to myself. Yeah!! L came over, he fucked me in the basement. I liked that every time I go to do laundry I can look over and think of him fucking me there. I still feeling like my game is off. I just dolt feel like I am as good at this fucking thing as I used to be. I need to get some advice from people I fuck on the regular but I do think something is different. I think that is what holds me back from fucking like I used to. That and i am really hating my body. Which is weird because I could never-have cared less in my life about that. But all of a sudden it is like a problem for me. I am ashamed of myself which most likely is the whole problem. L fucked me and came all over me and came again all over me. As I lay there on the basement floor covered in his cum,I was reminded of how fucking good and necessary sex is. I have forgotten a lot because I barely do it anymore. 

To the comment Re: Photos... 

I would love to but D is not real into that, he has like no attention span to be bothered with a camera he just wants to fuck me. And if someone else is there, he wants them involved not snapping pics, and he knows I will post them online and he is not all into that either. I have some pics of L and me but when time is short no one care about photos it is more about fucking. Young boy is the only one who LOVES to snap pics and will stop fucking me to get the good shot lol.... have not seen him in forever... but when i do there will be some pics 

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I wrote this like almost a month ago but it got lost somewhere in cyberspace and just came back to me,,,saying it never posted. 

 

I saw D the other night. I was almost excited to see him, since it had been so long, but my sex drive still not quite where it used to be. He drove down and got there before me. He goes in the house, and that makes me sweat a little because I was not expecting him and I did not know if there was any incriminating evidence laying around my house. I raced home and into the house and took a deep breath or relief when i see my computer was still off.  The computer is like pandoras box and I should password the damm thing but i hate feeling all fenced in and restricted. Odd that I like it during sex but know other time. I find him laying on my bed watching tv. I am sure he took a minute to look through my drawers as he always does. The room smells like him when I walk in. Not sure what that smell is but it is good. We talk a few and he plays with the baby for a few minutes and then I put her to bed. I come back and we just do it like we have a thousand times before. He stands up and strips and lays on my bed legs spread and waits for me to take my place on his dick. I sucked his dick so good. Like I was loving it. It was huge and rock fucking hard and he was groaning and was surprised by the way I grabbed him with the lust, but the second i got my hands on his dick i was in love with it again. The best moment of sex for me is always the very first time the dick pushes into my cunt and the muscle ache from the stretching. It is those first few strokes after the first that make me feel like a child almost, as the man slowly slides it in and out, getting his dick wet and looking at me and i feel almost ashamed of being the whore who is letting his dick slide up in my body. I am starting to feel more like myself. 

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Oct. 31

 

I was reviewing my calender and see that the last time I have had sex was Oct. 31, that is just dismal. I have been struggling all month to keep my head above water, in the sense that I feel so depressed. It aggravates me that I cant fix it, as hard as I try, I am trying to hang on here, but if anything good pops off I will be sure to announce right away. This has been going on too long. 

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After almost a month of celibacy, D came to my house last night. I am still amazed how I get so excited about his arrival, like it is my first day of school or something. More then the sex, there is just something beautiful about him. I watch with my/our daughter ( not really sure how to phrase that) and it just makes me feel so peaceful. It is reassuring to me that he is the man I think I know, at least on some level. Each time he comes over she is more and more comfortable with him, she gave him a kiss last night, I never knew how important that would be to me, to have them together. And of course my husband is her daddy, but she will know where she came from.

Now after bedtime, I get my time with him. I was not even particularly in need of sex. Like I would have been more then happy to talk all night. Although I am getting some feeling, that same intense urge is just plain gone. Vanished with almost no warning. D fucked me for like 50 minutes. Like no breaks, just thrusting his dick into me in every position he could for 50 minutes. My body felt so good, delighted and relaxed. He move my feet to his shoulders and fucked me fast and just as i was to come, he pulls out and I squirt all over him, the bed, and myself. It was hot.

We had some good talks, sometimes I miss him more for the friendship. We used to spend hours talking a night. Sometimes we would fuck for an hour talk for like 2 and fuck some more. I really miss him, I really miss sitting in the car in the middle of the night just talking to each other. I am still not right, I am trying to pick myself up for some time, to get my mind right. October and March Seem to always be bad months for me. Particularly October. Maybe it is seasonal or maybe just the seasons changing fucks me up... i am not good with change at all.

So that was the highlight of my weekend. Hopefully it wont be so long before I have something semi interesting to say

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And so it begins to creep slowly back. I noticed the other night, some feeling, just a little urge. Yesterday I was out and would feel a little bit aroused as I looked at some of the men around me. And today, the smell, I could smell the men around me, like a room full of flowers but it was men in the air and I loved it. Now I want some dick, after almost 3 weeks of solitude, I am ready and no one else is. Like always right.I hope this feeling lingers a bit as I have missed people.
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I am a little ashamed to even say this, but I feel like I am more into the touching then the fucking lately. While rough fucking will always be an instant pleaser, I notice lately that when men touch me I enjoy it, before I did not even notice it or I frustrated by it before. It seems like I used to not need that kind of physical touching, I just needed big dick in me, but now I just want to touch,and hug, and shit even kiss. Even as I type I feel so boring. Like when did I become "the typical mother" shying away from quickies and fucking and holding out for love making.

Maybe it is inevitable or maybe just another passing phase.

I rarely ever shave all the way. Like Bald is a feat I just do not have time for at this time in my life, and I love my body too much to wax it, as there are millions of horror stories of people contracting herpes and other horrid things from the wax, and I cant imagine that pain being good pain. When I was "in the lifestyle" all the men shaved and I kept it up too, but now my life was much less active things are just different. The men I have sex with may trim but that is all. I dont have a problem with that at all, sometimes i even like it. makes things all that more organic. I have noticed that each and every time I have sex (with or without condom) I find his hair in my pussy. Nothing says you have been used more then that

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Intimacy

As soon as I take a few weeks from blogging, I do get quite a few requests to continue. I know that there has been people reading this private journal of mine faithfully for a while now.  And I am still just as excited by it as I was in he beginning. Been a very uneventful couple of weeks for me. I have a new computer now, which I am totally excited about, and hope to be able to do some more stuff in the way of posting videos. On a down side, i have seriously lost all my old porn of myself from back in the day. Like 10 years of me fucking is gone. Somewhere in the move it all got misplaced. I am still looking for it all the time, but it maybe gone for good.

I am beginning to feel more nervous about my privacy online. As I say " I have no shame in my game" but I do feel like there are some little details I would prefer to keep to myself or rather tell everyone but not know that people who I tell and they not know me. 

A couple of weeks ago D came to my house and he got here earlier then I did, so he came in the house and got on the computer while he waited for me. Now I know D likes to get into my business, he is always snooping and looking, trying to catch me doing something I should not. After I got home I walk in to see him on my messenger. That bothers me. That is suppose to be my space. I dont even like my husband on my computer. Searching my phone is one thing, and my house too, but dam in my computer, that shit has to stop.  he was over the other day and as I was putting the baby to bed he was looking around on the computer... and the more nervous I get the more he pays attention to me. 

When he came over the other day, I was sick. Like seriously had a bad cold, did not want to move and he was like I need to come down tonight. So I reluctantly agree  - as if no would be an option. We are laying in the bed after we fucked for a while and i have my head resting on his belly while I half heartily lick and suck his dick, while he falls asleep with is fingers in my cunt.  We just slept like that it was hot. All was the same as it always is, but this time I was able to say somethings. He has always liked me to say "dirty" things but I have Never been able to do that. I am starting to loosen up in that area, which i think everyone appreciates. The best part of the night for me was he went and showered and got dressed, while I laid on the bed with my legs spread, just enjoying all his cum all over my body.  He came back in the bedroom grabbed his empty beer bottle and fucked me with it. It was nice, and he is like "Dam i need to fuck you again" and pulled it out and fucked me again. Nice. 

I noticed too that part of me craves some intimacy when I fuck now which I do not love. It is like my body needs to be touched liked that. I hate that I want that or need that, but when I get it is like in my head I hear "Hallelujah", and my eyes tears up, my body has been starving for that kind of attention. That and I need my nipples sucked on. Like sucked on. I need like an hour session of someone sucking my nipples and my pussy, so they get swollen. Shit I dont even need dick necessarily just suck my tits please. 

L been awhile since I posted about him. I saw him recently too. He blindfolded. I have not been blindfolded in years. I liked it. It plays all sorts of mind games on you. He put his dick in me and I was worried about the condom, because i could not see and i did not hear him or tell if he put one on.  That was hot. I liked that.  I have not had this kind of sex or relationship in so long.  Maybe it is hard for me to figure it out now. Like the concept of just being someone's whore it is all too much for my mind to dictate today, but it all feels so familiar to me but I am nervous in his presence. 

I have been doing more masturbating then anything these last few days. I truly have lost my desire that i had the previous week, and have stalled here in a "leave me alone" I can fuck myself type of mood. Men have really wore me down to a point I just dont care. Like the excuses, the demands, and special requests. I cant be bothered. If I can just masturbate then I dont have to speak to anyone. There has been a few times over the last few days where I have been wanting some nasty slut treatment, but those have been too intense to wait for anyone to abuse me, thus the these slut in need moments are only fleeting. Last night was one of them. It all started in the hot tub, that thing is very exciting for me. I went inside and found some porn  and got down to it. Now I watched it for a half hour and came about 15 times, but the porn was making me a little digusted. It was 4 black men, with big dark black dicks fucking this blonde girl. It was kind of gross to see all those bare dicks in and out of her pussy all taking turns. It was shocking to me that this was my reaction, because yes I am the girl who has enjoyed many all black gang bangs (none raw though), all in all though, it left a feeling of disgust with me.
 
Anyhow I feel like I will be hanging out by myself for a  week or two until something changes.

 

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I have this ongoing image and feeling pulsing through my body these last few days.  I have thinking about this one guy I had been seeing. I like to use condoms, and were faithfully doing that. This one night the sex was like amazing. To put it in perspective for you, my girlfriend once asked me how the sex was with him and I said "Well it is food, but it more like a frozen dinner, not a gourmet meal". But this particular night i was totally into him. It was lustful and close, we were sweating and groaning. He came in the condom as he always had, and I actually said to him to pull out carefully because I could feel something was a mis down there. He pulled out as we both looked down and saw his dripping wet dick with the condom shattered and hanging on to the bottom of his dick.
 
I instantly got this feeling real low down in my guts, it is a sinking, scared, ashamed feeling, makes you kinda of want to vomit. He came so much as I stand there naked and stunned the cum was dripping down my thighs. I started to cry, because I knew I was ovulating, and I did not ever want to have this guy come in me. I barely like D coming in me now after five years. It is a mental thing. There is no questioning whose pussy it is when his cum is dripping out of it. I went into the bathroom and washed my cum filled pussy, as I cried. Yes it made me cry, it was like a real just been raped feeling, such a violation to come in my pussy with out my permission. I ended up having to go to the doctor the next day to get all my std test and the plan B emergency contraceptive.  After I got my tests back and all was cool, I needed his dick and his come. I  wanted him to come in me over and over again, Lots and lots of cum. In my face, my hair, my pussy my tits... I would beg him to come over and we would almost make love and he would come in me each and every time, giving me that same intense feeling.  The next time he came in me, i grabbed his hand and had him finger me with all this cum dripping all over my pussy.
 
It is that feeling that i have been feeling lately, like when i fuck I can feel my body opening up to take all the dick i can get. It is so fucking primal.
 
On that note i have got to get some rest, been a busy week. Hope to have some pics soon... and send me an im on yahoo... so i can invite u when i go private.

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Important

I am feeling so manic these last few days, more like 10 days. I have not been like this in a long time, but anyone who has seen me lately knows that there is something diffirent with me. I feel like I want to be the nastiest, filthy, slutty whore there is. I am craving cum all over me. There is times my eyes tear up thinking about how bad i need the dick in me. I have not felt this bad in like at least 5 years. It is a mess. And I sware as soon as I feel like this the dick is gone. Any other day of the week i got people begging to fuck, now I want they are like " oh so it is all about you". And we all know it is all about me.

I feel like i have a lot to say but I am in a period of transition/uproar in my life and I am actually thinking of making my blog private. So please IM on yahoo, or leave a note to let me know you would like to be a private viewer of my blog. I feel if I make it private I will feel more open to say what i want. I love my blog and the feedback I get from it, but sometimes it is too much to hear shit from people who know me and read it. Again send me your requests.

My baby is 2 years old. I am so amazed at where my life has gone, and I am so very grateful that I have the chance to be a mother. It is the most important thing to me. I feel like there is so much to say, but I have been hesitating to write lately as I find my words tend to infuriate people close to me. It all goes back to MasterLuke he insisted I link the blog thte yahoo page and from that point on, totally honesty was lost. I have fought to keep myself honest, not only do I feel like it creates better reading, but this shit is therapy for me. Now I find myself leaving stuff out.
 
Work has sucked my soul away from me these last 6 weeks or so. I work in a very small office with a total of 7 women, we all work various shifts. They disgust me, like seriously disgust me. I would find another job but not the best time for that and if I can out last the 1 or 2 hard core bitches it will be much better for my career in the long run. I see this and know this and I am doing my best, but seriously I have never been so exhausted in all my life. I work with Mentally ill so I should recognize some of the lying and manipulative behavior, but it kind of snuck up on me.
 
I have been a little sad too. I desperately want another baby. And I feel like my window is closing for that. I am not even 30 yet but I still would rather just do it sooner then later. My period was late this month like 12 days late. I was holding out so much hope, but nothing.
 
I remember the moment after I had my daughter, they were still cleaning her up, my body had this incredible sense of satisfaction. It was like I my body knew its purpose and felt revitalized by labor. It is so hard to describe, it is just an intense feeling of " ah yes now I get it" and and better then orgasm release. It was freaking the most fabulous feeling in the world, 2 years later and can bring my mind right to it. Right after I delivered her, I was up and about. Like one of those women who squats in the field and keeps on going. (well maybe not exactly the same but u get the point)
 
Anyhow I am having a fun filled weekend at home, party for my daughter and family, new hot tub installed, giant inflatable slide in the back yard. i just want to have fun adn relax. I hope to get back on here soon with some pics I would check back in about 2 weeks.

 

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I had not seen L since the argument. I saw him today. He asked me to wear a dress and bring condoms. I did and left the panties at home too. We met at this wooded park and took a walk. I have to say it was really nice just walking and talking to him. I liked the attention, I have been having a horrible week at work... and please contact me if anyone has any potential legitimate jobs for me because I desperately need a change of pace.  I felt like he made me walk forever. He then pushed me down to lick on his dick. Before I knew I was bent over holding on to the bottom of a tree while I watch his feet go up and down as he fucks me... It is not the best position for me as, it is hard to get maximum penetration and seriously I can not stand bent over in the postion, head between my legs for long. I stood dizzy lol, and then he told me to get on the ground, and I laid on my back in the dirt and got the big black dick. I looked up at one point and saw all the trees above me swaying, and him frantically looking around then fucking me hard, looking and fucking. It felt slightly like a rape scene. It was nice, did wonders for my imagination. We get up and I am fucking sweaty and the sand and dirt is sticking to me. I felt a  little like a whore right then, but it makes me laugh.

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I went to see D last night. I enjoy my drive up there, I was telling my friend, it makes me feel like an adult, like have all the freedom, despite the fact I really dont, but it is thrilling for one night. And the solitude in the car is soul replenishing - I can think and not be intterupted.
 
I was really hyper on the way up there, like I had not had sex in six months. It was crazy. I was even still needing more dick after our three hours was up... my pussy was sore... but i needed some more. My mind kept drifting why he was fucking me. I pretended I was a prostitute for a minute but that did not do much. I pretend he was raping me... which pretty much was hot and help me get a few more orgasams.
 
We talked a lot about him last night. I feel like since he has moved up North that he is not the same person. I said to him he is lke a lost soul just wandering through the world.  he was never like that. Although it has been like over 2 years he has been up north - maybe this is him, maybe I did nto see it before, or maybe I just caught him at a good part of his life. I dont know. It makes me a little sad though. I just wish his life would be more settled, but i tend to want whats best for me not others.
 
I have to go to work early today... or I could spend an hour on here talking about D and Me and sex ....

 

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Life has been somewhat dull these last few weeks. I think I last blogged about L and I getting into a heated argument, or something, I honestly understand why he was mad, but still feel like it was a bit over the top. We have since talked about things and I feel like we are trying get on the same page. I feel like at times he is way to impulsive and other times not impulsive enough, but it is what it is.  Since the arguement I have been kinda of ass out on the three some, as my girl was pretty much very comfortable with him, but dont know how that will work out. She is forgiving but does not really do second chances.  It is like you tell your family about a friend doing you wrong and they will never forgive them, even long after you have.
 
I saw D the other night. Now we all know I have been with D for like 5 years... something like that. The other night was the 2nd time I got on top. This on top thing has haunted me all my life. I have never ever enjoyed it. When I was 15 I was fucking my boyfriend and he told me I was horrible at riding him, and that was the end of it for me. I even hated before he told me that, it was way too much like being in control. But when he said that, I was crushed and we went back to him handcuffing me... I totally preferred that to anything else. Even the 1st D made me get on top, I could have cried I was so humiliated, but this time was way different. I was working it, then I would catch a glimpse of myself and come to and feel all conflicted, but only for a second, and it was back on. I felt like there maybe some hope for me, perhaps I will be able to do that again and feel good about it.
 
I was at work the other day flipping through the DSM ( A book with diagnostic codes for psychiatric illness), I forget the exact wording but I was disturbed to see my sexual preferences listed in there. Needs pain, humiliation, torture to climax. Interesting.
 
I have my period these last few days, and it is so funny, I dont even keep my phone in the house with me. It does not matter because I am not going out anyway, It gives me some clarity about how much of my time is spent thinking about fucking.

 

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It has been a long week, spent with family, doing lots of day trips and dinners, trying to fit in as much fun as we can before they leave town. Today at the end of this week, I am exhausted. I was in a bad mood for various reasons. Before I knew it I was on the phone calling D for some sedative. I realize that this is pathetic, but it is where my mind goes. For one brief second I catch a glimpse of myself running for distraction whenever anything gets hard for me. Its either dick or food. Thank you to everyone who likes to point out my negative coping skills and fatal flaws, but I know them. Of course I know them. Do you not know where you need to improve yourself? Give me some credit and leave the psycho analytical stuff to my professional physiatrist.
 
I am thinking about the insult thrown at me earlier in the week. Whore. It is so very insulting after I have given it some thought. Men, since the beginning of time have used women to get off. Sure some men don't all the time, and I am sure there are a few exceptions to the rule, but spare me with the holier then thou attitude that I am a whore. On some level I am not even sure why I am irritated by this word, because I like to be called a whore when I am being fucked, but something just not sitting right with me when that is what I am being called to insult me.  I got to let that go.
 
Anyhow I hung the phone up quickly not even letting a full ring go, and resigned myself to self healing not distraction. Only a half truth, I knew D was not available tonight, either way I get credit for not running through my phone to find someone available. I played a game of chinese checkers with my husband (he beat me by one move- again) and then I worked on the spare bedroom, pulling up carpet, padding and staples. It was soothing me, that kind of work, but here I am back on here pouring my heart and my head out so i can get some sleep.

 

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It is what it is

I went to see L tonight, I have not seen him or even spoke to him really since our falling out. I dont know why he even wanted to see me, or me him. Things have just been bad. My girl says to me "in all these many years we be talking about this shit, never heard you act like this", and what she means I guess is allow someone to get inside of my head, to make me doubt myself, question myself. Yeah sure people fuck with my head while we are fucking, I am your whore, yes I am a dirty slut...etc... but not often do I believe people and make myself second guess who I am.
 
It is what it is - is always what I say to people. I don't do the lingerie or fetish wear, I will RARELY even wear anything other then a pair of jeans and a t shirt. I don't pretend I am something I am not, it is just what you see. I go with that, and I think some part of me believed that people like that... but I am starting to think I am wrong. I appreciate someone who is painfully honest with me when I need it and is just themselves and talks from the heart to me. I don't want to be told what you think i want to hear - just want people to speak from their heart and be real.
 
Why I do want this I at times have trouble speaking from my heart, like when it comes to people who I care about, it is hard for me to tell them that, or show them that. I don't hug my family or even tell them I love them, but I do. I love them more then they will ever realize and that I could not be as happy as I am in my life with out them, and that I am grateful for every tragedy we went through together, but I cant tell them. I show them, by just being there for them. I don't acknowledge mothers or fathers day, or birthdays half the time, but the love it there. It is so there.
 
I dont know how this all ties in with L,  maybe he just made me doubt myself enough to think perhaps there is a better way. Despite popular opinion, I am a work in progress, and I do work hard at bettering myself, each and every day of my life. I try to keep my mind open, be a better listener, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better mother, a better wife. I work on myself.
 
He hurt my feelings. I can forgive people, I am good at that, i know. THere are not too many things a person can do to me to make me hate them or discount their friendship. When I have true friends that I value I keep in touch. Even people I have met over the last 12 years of my life, although I may no longer have consistent relationship with them, they are in my heart. And when I see their name on my computer, I think about them, what they meant to me, what they taught me and what they added to my life. Sitting here right now I can think of 3 people who I cared about and who our relationship has ended badly. I still miss them, they hate me, but I still appreciate them for who they are and what they added to my life.
 
At the end of the day, I am proud of myself for coming as far as I have, and if no one else will pat me on the back for that then I will do it myself. I have had a lot of crazy issues surrounding sex and love, and I have been working very hard at keeping my life together in that area... Good Job!

 

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L and I had a falling out, maybe a fight, not real sure what to call it. I said it was like a train wreck, to be honest I don't really know why we are not talking anymore, but were not. I was trying to be all non emotional like it did not bother me, but I am starting to really miss him. It makes me sad, and I can not even do anything about it. I try to remember that they operate is much different then most people, but it still is hard for me to not to be like "I did not do anything" and assume everyone else is acting crazy. I dont know how to fix that because it is just how I am. I also hate that people ever leave my life. I do not deal with people at all if I do not like them. And I dont like when people leave my life, I really like the people I surround myself with. The whole thing just makes my heart heavy.

 

And that is about it. Been in a strange sort of mood lately, not all that concerned with adult activities, but I have this intense desire to be pregnant. LIke my body is craving it, it is hard to explain, but I know many women will know what I am talking about. Our bodies are created to procreation and when needed your body will crave things, like steak if you need iron in your diet. It is similar, hard to explain, but it is the need to procreate. I just go on auto pilot, loosing some weight, starting my vitamins, eating healthier, finishing up odds and ends. I worry about getting pregnant, like if it will happen again, as I do have some fertitily issues, and my daughter was conceived to due to a medication that side effect was increased ovulation. I worry because 30 is fast approaching.

 

I am trying to relax tonight and try to refocus my energy on myself a little bit. It feels a little like a break up... that is a little disturbing.

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He came over

I wrote a blog entry the other day about D, about feeling all dejected and sad because he has not been paying much attention to me. I did not post it right away because I did not want to finish it - it was too pathetic, so later on I came to my computer and reread what I wrote something I NEVER do) and I deleted it. I sounded way to "teenage" and dare I say needy.

 

So in my own journey through abandonment D calls me with a barely uplifting offer : "You free tonight, can I come over tonight" I say yes but still feel all undone. He shows up - honestly to my surprise - we did not even say anything to each other, he walked upstairs and I followed. In about 20 seconds he is naked spread eagle waiting for my mouth to take its rightful place on his dick. At this point I fall into my place but my heart is not there. I soon begin to want it more as I feel it growing in my mouth. OKay so I wanted the dick at this point, but I was a little mad at D for letting me go so long, and I did feel disconnected from him.  He even looked different to me... lol looks like his skin got darker and he has been working out.  As he was fucking me I had to concentrate to make sure I did not call him someone else's name.

 

Of course we fucked and it was good, and he fucked my ass. He came and I swear like 20 seconds later he is sound asleep and I just lay down and join him. When I wake up I am in his arms and it was nice. I miss that part of seeing him so much. I need that intimacy so much and have limited opportunity to get it. I woke him at 3am to get him out of my house before my husband came home and he fucked me one more time and left as uneventful and he arrived.

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This Sucks

As we all know it has been a long time since I have seen D like a month. I am trying not to get angry but tonight I lost it. We make plans Thursday to meet Sunday. Ok so I call him at 11am to confirm and he acts like he forgot, tells me to call him later, I do he is like let me call you back I am still working with my uncle. And he sounds miserable, and I ask him if he is miserable and in this pathetic answer of " What do you think". This has been his mantra for 2 years now since he headed back to north jersey. I understand his life my suck and he may be unhappy - but I do nothing but try to make his life easier.

 

I try not to put too much attention on this as this is D. Ebb and Flo. I would say he is bipolar like me, if he believed in mental illness. I know that it will change back just as it unnoticeably changed to  to this nagging neglectful relationship, but in the mean time i feel all sad and twisted up.

 

And I should not dwell too much as last week he was ready to drive down 2x but I was unavailable. Just needed to vent. And now I just left him 2 yes not 1 but 2 ridiculous voicemails... ugh

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Friday Night Pics

I

had plans to see L last night. It seems like we both put a whole lot of effort into making that happen. It is hard to make schedules meet up, but it happened, and with some kind of cosmic stroke of luck, my girl was able to join us. So I went and got a room, and I waiting for the 2 of them to join me. L got there first. He got a shower and I sucked his dick a little, waiting for K (K is what the girl will be know as). I was very nervous, or more excited, maybe slightly embarrassed that my girlfriend would see me getting FUCKED.

A little background - She and I were "together" for awhile, but it did not end well, and while we have remained very good friends, the sexual aspect has been on hold for like 4 years. Last night was the first time in like 4 years we have done something like that. I have to say it made me a little nervous to even open that part of our relationship up again, because it seriously ended badly and I remember the intensity of the relationship being much more then I cared to handle at times. Last night was nice though, I though it would feel weird but it did not.

Anyhow she took some good pics and it was a very good time. I would have liked to see her get fucked but that was not her thing, next time I hope to have her strap on and fuck me, perhaps we can get some double penetration with her in my pussy and him in my ass. What was even better then the fucking I think was the very look on his face as his dick was in my pussy, and she got behind him and was "helping" thrust his big cock in my pussy. It was hot.

I have to say that I am a hardcore believer in condoms, but I just want to rip that condom off his dick. Perhaps this is a problem. I would never do that, but I guess it makes me feel more like "his" whore and just a whore. I used to fuck this guy who would pretend and act like he was fucking me bare, becaue he knew I liked it and pretend he was coming in me, while i was tied up and blindfolded, I would be feeling like I was raped because of course he had to use condoms... Sex is so much a headgame - for me anyway it is about 40% the dick you have and 60% the way you make me feel while you are fucking me. How do you treat me, fuck me, slap me, what kind of fucked up shit do you whisper in my ear while you use my pussy. That is what I need. I need to be used, I need to be a "good girl" taking whatever humiliation, torture, or pleasure you hand out.

The danger in that is, it is so easy to fall into the deep emotional shit. Like start to like the person more then you should, start to care about what they think about etc... start to live your life to make them happy. I am starting to move off track now.

The Cumshot

How thrilled do I look? LOL

I was late for work.

I was on my way to work and as I was twisting my hips to move my jeans over my clit to give my self some kind of relief before I work into work I thought let me call Young Boy real quick since he lives right down the street. He was home and available and I drove right over. I walked right in his room and stripped, got on my knees and sucked his dick. Then told him it was time to fuck me. He wanted the ass, and I was like oh no. I dont have time for that, and I cant do that while I am ass up and head down, but he persisted and persisted and used a lot of ky and it just slid in eventully. I started to like it.

I let him fuck it for awhile then I needed it back in my pussy, he made me cum one more time and then had me on my knees waiting for the come.

You just dont understand

Where do I begin. I just finished yelling out my husband. I feel slightly bad about that, because I was not angry with him as much as I was just needing to vent. I really feel like I need to visit with my doctor to try and alleviate some symptoms that I have, but then I begin to feel like - there is nothing fucking wrong with me - it is everyone else. I guess it is denial or self preservation.

 

I said to my husband today that the only part of my day I enjoyed was standing in my kitchen listening to music. That was the only part of my day I enjoyed, and I really meant that. I woke up at 10:30 showered and dressed and made a few phone calls, and that was a blessing my daughter did not wake up until 11:30, after she got up I made lunch cleaned up, dressed her, took her to my moms and went to work. I just feel so overwhelmed and I cant say that enough. I told him this new house is "sucking my soul from me". I meant that to, there is just so much to do in this house. Just need to get stuff put away, I still cant even walk through my garage. It is frustrating to me.

 

So onward to men. I feel like some of the men I deal with understand my limitations in life. Or at least at this time in my life, but others need so much fucking ego stroking I cant take it. Let me talk about young boy a second. I like him alot. He is local, he has a nice dick, he knows how to fuck, he is funny as hell and makes me laugh every time I see him, and takes lots of pics which I love, BUT he is constantly asking me about other women. Do I know any? Can I find another girl for us to fuck? I am so fucking tired of it. If I were going to go out of my way to find a girl for a 3 some then I would have scored those points already with D. Seriously, my head is spinning with irritation and angst this evening.

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Feast or Faimine

Let me first apologize for the pathetic nature of this post. The blog is turning into my only place to vent and work though my feelings. It is not always pretty, but it is always honest.
 
Two request to fuck me in one night... a dream perhaps, a fantasy nope tonight it is reality and the very very sad truth of that is that I just cant do it tonight. L called me early so I was entertaining the idea, I was trying hard to muster up some energy to get a shower and put on some clothes but I just could not do it.
 
I have had an overwhelming feeling of just having nothing left lately. Like really I don't have one bit of time or energy to spare. Moving for me is traumatic, and I thank god each and every day that I have been blessed with such a stability in my life, as I don't know how some people function with out long term homes, jobs, and relationships. L said to me I need to vent my frustrations, but I could not even articulate that there are no frustrations, more just sadness. Like if he said meet me, I will hold you while you cry like a sobbing idiot all night I would have had to gone to see him.
 
I am aware this truly sounds like a memoir of a sad human being, but it is just me. I feel happy most of the time, but just by the end of the day I feel like I cant do it again. Is this normal of being a mother?  In all fairness let me add that I had to take a steroid pack for the last 7 days because of an insane headache that would not quit, and those steroids will make you crazy on them and coming off them. And these dumb fuckers buying my house have got me right on the edge of suing them, even if it ends up costing more money in the end.
 
Then there is work, which has seemed to have suck my soul from me this week. My supervisor is someone for which i have little to no respect for and whom I cant even connect with on a human level. I am seriously entertaining ideas of leaving.
 
D calls me at 10pm, I did not hear the phone because I was still trying to get his kid to sleep at that time. Asks me what I am doing. ... I really must say my patients there is pretty much limited. I have not seen him the entire month of May - the entire month! And while we have talked, and he has had his life to deal with and me with mine I still feel a little slighted, although neither one of was really ever free, I am still all pissed off and feeling neglected. I let him know that there was really no way I could wait up for him to come down here to drive up there. He was not thrilled. I was not either. My patience is so limited. I should just go ahead check myself in some where until I can speak with out hatred spewing out of my mouth.  
 
And so there is the the sad update. Actually available dick and I can not pull myself together to go and get it. Absolutely Ridiculous!

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So I have not gotten any dick seems like 2 to 3 weeks most likely since the pussy has had any attention. I think I have just given up. Seriously like well i feel as sexually frustrated as I did last week, which only occurs about 1 week a month, you would think there would be at least one man who would be able to accommodate me. That is what I mean by games. You want me to drive to wherever in the middle of the night to fuck you where??? in your car? No for all that u drive to me and I will fuck u in my car or something. You want to ignore because I pissed you off,,, fine dont speak to me when you fuck me.
 
It seems to be a reoccurring phenomenon in my life. A high demand and no one to meet the supply. And I will admit that some of it is because I am unwilling to compromise on a few things, like sleep, and time with my family, but qeeze!
Today I was reading my old journal, filled with detailed accounts of the times D has rocked my world. Then on the way home I listened to various voicemail from men with island accents just to make me feel a little bit sexy. I NEED DICK MORE THEN I AM GETTING IT NOW. Drastic measure will soon be enacted... i might need to resort to white dick.
 
As I am typing D calls me, he wants the pussy but I cant leave the house because baby is upstairs and he is broke!
 
Story of my life... dick is always just out of reach.

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I just cant win

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Do You Lick. . .

Went to work today, there were three of us there, all of us in our twenties. We started talking about sex, and how for the last week I have been jumping out of my chair, jittery and in need of a big black cock. And we were all so relieved when my man brought home Friday. My pussy was thankful but today brings about a new set of sexual frusrations.
 
The youngest Girl at work was talking about how "if someone could just rape me" how good it we be. I started to smile, because I remember being young and afraid to admit that I need someone to hurt me, rape me, use me and just abuse me. I think many many women share that fantasy. (DISCLAIMER - in no way am I say that true rape is good or hot or fun. I think is a serious crime against women that devastates many women, but you cant rape the willing)
 
The conversation moved naturally along the route of  Do you lick ass, have you ever did anal, etc...We laughed all morning but at the end of the day I was in awe about how much of ourselves we throw at these men of ours. How many boundaries we cross and create in order to keep our men feeling like they are the one in only man in our life, they are the best one in our lives. So let us take a minute to not only thank the mother that did all those same things in their lives but for the girlfriends and lovers and wives that still do it for you and ever  women in the world who gives most of herself to making others happy.
 
I have the called 3 magical men in my life to give me a little hlep today, nothing concrete lined up yet. My pussy is wet, like dripping wet and ready. I seriously need some more dependable reliable dick.

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What, your done?

So i have been on a profoundly frustrating sexual "dry spell" for no other reason the logistics. I cant be there at that time he cant be here and this time, and frankly I could have fucked just about anyone this last few days. It was bad. So D had made plans to come down Thursday, not only to fuck my lonely pussy but to help me finish up a few odds and ends at my old house (that with a little bit of luck we will close on Thursday). However that drive down here gets to be expensive, particularly when gas price are so ridiculous. So he did not come. I begged him again to move his ass back down to South jersey, he only response was "but my kids are up here now" which hurt me a little as his child is also down here, and it is not as if I want him in her life all this time, but I do need the acknowledgement that his is here biological father a few times a year. I don't know why, it is just me.
 
Anyhow moving on to the good stuff, so I forget his "name" on here because I hardly ever get the chance to fuck him, but it was not d and not young boy and not that new Jamaican guy, it was the other one. We had planned all week to meet fridays, and some how through the grace of god it all worked out. I was so fucking starved to sex, I was restraining myself all week, from masturbating, just because I knew if I did it would take the edge off and I wanted the edge. I wanted it rough, I told him I wanted to be raped, which I don't believe he is comfortable doing. (Coincidently D used to say "I cant slap you in the face" "I am sorry I just cant do that to a women", and now it is like a necessary element of me cumming and him too, and on a side note to that I actually think to myself am I corrupting all the men and setting back women's rights each time I beg this men to hit me and use me, letting their own violent tendencies overcome them - it is dangerous territory, but I just need it so bad).
 
He was rough with me which I did need so much, but I found myself having trouble staying in a submissive moment because I needed the dick so bad I would have raped him If I needed to. There was no way he was leaving with out me cumming. I just keep thinking the sheer joy, like I cant explain how needed it was - it was like air to me.  And he and I have fucked a few times over the year or so we have know each other, but for me this was i think that best. It was just good fucking, no teasing, no playing, but good fucking and I could do that each and every day of the week.  We were fucking for like 2 hours, and my house has no bed in it, just a couch and it is hard to find a good posittion at times because I cant get my head down low enough to bring my ass up high enough so on and so fourth. So I am on my knees my ass in the air as much as i can go with my head buried in the back of the couch as much as it can, and he is fucking me, and it is fucking hitting all the rights spots, but my pussy tightens up and i does it all the time when or right before I come but for some reason it was hurting him in this position. He was getting frustrated with me I think, he said a few times "just don't move" I tried my best not to move and not to come, at one point I was thinking of the most unattractive men I know to let me stay still and him to come. I tried deep breathing, I tried to talk to myself about other stupid mundane shit to help me do as I was told and let him come. All of a sudden out comes the dick and he says " Where do you want me to put the condom wrapper? WHAT, YOUR DONE, BUT YOU DID NOT COME. I was upset. And I had been more then ok, I came over and over again, but I wanted him to come. It makes me feel like a failure, like I was not good enough to make him come. At the end of the day I felt like I had not served my purpose and the feeling is still lingering today. He made it clear he was fine with it but it bothers me. So on the was home I have to call my girl and give her the low down, she says her man does it too, Men what is up with that?

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Like a Virgin

I feel like a virgin, It has been so long since I have had sex I just dont even know that last time. I hesitate to even think about it. I am feeling despertly in need of some dick tonight. I catch myself driving home from work tonight, shifting my hips back and forth to make the very thick seam in the crotch of my jeans slide across my clitoris giving just enough satisfaction to get me home. I need to free up sometime in my life for me. Perhaps I am just a little too concerned with spending every waking minute with my child. It is very important for me to do what I feel is best for my daughter, but as she gets older I am finding it more and more difficult to have eat oragnic home cooked foods and have sunblock on everyday and keep her room and my house an acceptable level of torn apart. Somestime I feel like no one gets the amount of energy I put into this but when you speak to other mothers you quickly begin to realize that we all go through the same struggles.

Now I dont know how i have gotten to the point that I am able to go like three weeks with no dick in me but I Have. Not sure if that is bad or good. I am truley relieved that I do not feel driven to distraction by the thought of dick these days but yet still I have so needs that ARE NOT GETTING MET. And I can only blame myslef. Dick is available and good, but at the end of the day sometimes i just cant move on more second of the day or I feel so stressed that I can [possiblely submit to someone, or even pretend to care about someone elses need. So it ends up the same way, me in bed alone tossing and turning and rubbing my own pussy until I finally fall asleep.

On the up side I am feeling more at home and my old house is almost sold. That will be lovely to not have to worry about paying two mortages. I just need dick more often. Like the quick I dont have to think about dick, bent over the back of the car for ten minutes on the way home from work... that is all I am asking...

 I work with a friend of mine. We only work together 10 hours a week. We used to work together 30 hours a week. She is someone who has been interested in a sexual relationship. And we tried that, and I do not care to try that again. Today at work we got into this huge arguement. Let me just sufice it to say I have not been this angry for such a long time in a long time. I am pissed and feel like I can not even be bothered with any of it. I could not care less about anyone or anything right now. Fuck her, because when she gets pissed off there is no reasoning with her.
 
My kid has taken me to a whole new level of stress, I dont know what her problem is but I know I can not continue at this pace. I drop her off at my Moms each and every day and my mom says what is wrong and I say " I have nothing left to give" with tears in my eyes. I truley have nothing left to give. Nothing AT ALL. I am Mentally exhausted. Like Seriously can not take another second of anything. I am starting to believe that perhaps I was not cut out to be a mother or whatever. I know  I need a break. I need a serious vacation and alone time.
 
Not too mention money. I worry, probably unnecessarily about money all the time. I worry about paying my mortage and paying for gas and still being able to live.

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Good Job Baby

I have been using my old house (the unsold one) as my own personal motel. I figure I should get my moneys worth since I am still paying for it. So D came over to help me with some drywall work there. I watch him work which definitely turns me on. He has me standing there like his helper, I get him everything he needs as he tries to teach me about what he is doing.
 
I go into the house for a few minutes to take down some lingering curtains, and he comes in the house and undoes his pants with that get on your knees look on his face. I take my place happily sucking his dick. It happens just like it always does, but I must brag about a small personal victory.
 
D is in love with my ass. Like he is so in love with it, I swear it is the very reason we have bee seeing each other for so long. Anyhow since the beginning of this he has wanted me to bend over and fuck my ass which sounds easy enough but is not the best position at least not for me, but as he pleas he needs to see his dick going in and out of my ass. I am proud to report that for the first time ever I not only let him put in my ass while I am on my knees with my face pressed down into the couch, I was able to let him fuck my ass, like really fuck it. In fact after about twenty minutes of full force body slapping ass fucking I could not take it anymore. It was not   pain - more like just overwhelmed with sensations. I have a hard time with that with anal sex. It is so intense it is hard to function, like i forget to breath. THat is crazy. So I collapsed and he pulled me up and said " You did good" as he assisted me to a lying down posistion to fuck me. That was my big triumph.
 
There is not greater comfort for me then to be told that I have been a GOOD Girl!

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Should this be this hard?

I thought this posted like 2 weeks ago but it never did.
 
 
Tonight I feel like I have one foot in the fucking lock down ward of Ancora. I am anxious and uncomfortable in my own skin. I am obsessing over ridiculous things, like economic health of this country and how will I ever afford to raise my daugther in the coming times. I am overcome with agaitaation, so much so I canceled a meeting with D tonight, as I knew I would not have enough self control to not flip out and I would never enjoy myself as hard as I tried.
 
I could not finish my thoughts last night as the baby was as my heels screaming and my husband miserable complaining about his own lack of sleep. This morning is feeling a little better. I desperately need a long shower, but other then that I feel like I will be able to make it through the day.
Does everyone have these issues?
 
 

 
 

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The First Visit

D came to my new house last night. He walks around and critiques my house with a parental tone (I'll come over and fix that for you, You need to make sure . . ., Do you have this...) It was somewhat sweet. And I almost felt like a child as he walked through my house, I scurried behind him like a child waiting for approval for a job well done. The baby (who is 20 months old now) was still awake and just looked and smiled at him. It truly warms my heart to see him interact with him, on any level. He tries up hold her, but she still resists. While he is here, playing with her, I am blissfully content, but also very thrilled he is not her fulltime parent. I have VERY strong ideas of how my child should be raised, and he does too. We don't see eye to eye on everything.
 
He catches me off guard and asks me who else I have been fucking. I quickly reassure him, he is my only man. And I believe that to be so. He is the only man in my life, who I love, and who I make love to. He is the man I give my entire self to, and need nothing in return. He is my only obsession. The other men I "see" are more like a necessity. I must use them for pleasure, because while making love with someone who can also call me a whore and make me feel that way is fabulous, I also need to truly be fucked by someone who cares little about me, who when he calls me a whore he means it with almost a thread of hate in his voice. And while D does do this at times, it is still not the same. It is just diffirent. It is an addiction, I know. I feel very guilty about choices I have made and I have I really been able to be faithful (if I would have but some effort into it?) Maybe I am just thinking too hard on all of this. For me as he and I and our child sit on the couch together talking there is an almost surreal feeling about what is happening. It is hard to believe, that I have managed to pull all of this chaos off, and come out feeling quite well. Do you see how he crossed over the line. He is no longer "just dick", I can not even pretend, and with his crossing, I needed to fill the void.
 
I am still surrounded with mass disorganization at my house. My computer lacks a desk at the moment which is causing my hand to crap as I type in this tortuous position.

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Baby Girl

I had mentioned that D had been calling me all week. He never wants me like this. Maybe it was my unavailability in the last few weeks that made him miss me, or maybe he was just horny and needed it. Anyhow he told me he could meet me down my way and we met at my old house. My old, cold, empty house. I called the realtor, also a close friend of mine and told him please do not show the house tonight. All that is left in it is a couch. We did not even need. I was forcing myself to go. I was so tired. My body just ached and ached from all the heavy lifting and constant activity over the last week. But my body still needed it, and I unfortunately was unable to get some dick  before my period and it is hard to get over that unfullfillment. I still had my period, a little anyway, i usually would give D a heads up, but I could not risk him loosing interest, as I knew I desperately needed this tonight. We met and wondered around my shell of a house, it actually made me quite sad. Sad to see my home disappearing before my eyes. I conceived my daughter in that house,and brought her home,and walked her up and down the hall on the sleepless nights. I cry now thinking back on it. It is my home. I put so much effort into making my home a sanctuary for myself and my family, it is hard to let it go. I honestly still tear up when I go out of my way to  drive past the first home I bought. The house was small, and I hated my neighbors, but it was still our first house together and we were happy there. Anyway D fucked me for like a fast paced marathon hour. I felt like he was on the clock. It was non stop fuck, cum, fuck some more. He fucked me with this vigor I have not really felt in awhile. I actually thought to myself while he was fucking me, he better not be fucking me for the last time... You know how some men like to make the last time the best, so you beg for more.
 
After about an hour or so he gets dress and says he must go, he needs to get back to get his kids. I am relieved as I desperately want to get back to resting in my bed. D is going through some shit in his life and it has become a little more real for me then I would like. Sometimes D's life is like a fairy tale to me, Something I just know about on the outside and never really step into. I feel like I am getting sucked into the story and I don't really love that. I just want to love him but I selfishly dont want the stress that comes along with loving someone. Either way I hugged him while we were standing there talking. He just stood there cold and kept talking. I felt very unloved at the moment. D is not the most affectionate man or at least I have noticed with me, when we are dressed it is not a time hugging and all that. We walked out and were getting ready to go when he said "Alright Baby Girl, I need to go"  and he hugged me. I could have just melted away into him. Sounds silly but it meant a lot to me as it is not his normal good bye. Maybe you had to be there or just understand how we are. For me it was just what I needed.
 
I was driving today and this radio show was on and the women said " Who are you thinking of tonight, you spouse, best friend, etc..... call in and share you story" I was thinking about the men in my life. Rather the people in my life. And I sometimes get caught up in the idea of there is something wrong with my life, that my choices or immoral. Though rare, I do ever now and then doubt myself and the choices I have made. But I got strong as I heard her say that. In this culture we are only celebrating Monogamy. We do not celebrate love. It frustrates me at times, that I can not just be me with out the whole world making comments. Although I do a pretty good job of it.
 

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I go to a basketball game last night. It was some kind of charity thing where the Eagles players play against school teachers. Anyhow they were all some what attractive, the Eagles players that is. My husband points out their wives to me. All three wives that were there, were white, and their husbands black. I did feel some pangs of jealously. I don't know for what exactly, maybe they were able to get their black dick whenever they wanted it and I of course feel like I need congress approval for mine. I just felt like I wish I could try their life out, for a little while anyway. I feel like I believe that if I were married to a black man, I would be blissfully happy, which I admit is stupid. I have this "god-like" imagine of black men. I see a stark difference in the way they treat women and I much prefer it to some of the more common chracteristics of a white me. In reality I know the grass is seldom greener on the other side, and I am happy most of the time now.
 
D has been calling me a lot lately. Not sure why he has such a strong need to see me. I am going to try to see him tonight. After, how can i say no when he offers to come down my way and he has asked to see me a lot this week.
 
I am very much in need of some down time. I have been going full pace for a few weeks now and I just feel like I NEED a break. Like an entire night away from all this activity.

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Just Checking in

It has been like at least 2 weeks since I have been fucked. Today I am starting to feel it. I am turning all that penned up frustration into some very productive hours putting my house back in order. I have my period which makes a little worse, I cant even get a quick fuck just to hold me over.
 
I finally have high speed internet and my computer set up in my new house, just trying to put my life back in order then I should be play with those videos i have been trying to upload forever. Oh btw the Jamaican Guy, did indeed call. The sound of his voice could make me cum. I am too busy to even think about entertaining another man, but if he keeps calling me he might get lucky. The only problem is, I did not get to look at his dick or feel it out. I am very cautious about that now, I need to know it will be worth my time. Although he does seem fascinated with white women the way I am fascinated with black men.
 
 

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Movin On Up

As we all know I have been moving, a process that usually causes me much emotional stress. This time I am hanging tough, not really emotional about leaving my house and really cant wait to put it all behind me. This house was not my first home with my husband (that house I still miss) but this house has caused many aruguments in our marriage. We were able to purchase it cheap b/c it is an older home and needed some updates, now all the updates are done and I ready to bounce. 
 
So closing for my new house was delayed thanks to the Bear Sterns issues, so they ended up having to rewrite my mortage. I ended up moving on Wednesday. In the rain. I am from the school of thought that you dont pay someone to do something you can do. So my husband and I and a strong teenager, moved everything piece of furniture out of the old house and back to the new house in 5 hours... lol.  Anyhow on one of the trips back I get stuck behind this pickup truck and I am trying to hurry as, my husband has to be back at work on Friday and I need to get all moved by then. The pick up truck just happens to pull into my driveway to turn around. I was all pissed off at first that I was delayed then I saw the driver. Cute young black man. He rolls his window down to tell me that he was just turning around and I hear his fabulous Jamaican Accent... AHHH YESS! I turn into this animal all of a sudden. Like a german Sheppard puts his ears up and stands at alert. This is how I feel. We exvhange numbers as I pretend to give him directions b/c my husband is about 10 feet behind me, loading the truck...
 
Anyhow, I must go, I am cleaning up the old house today and I am on a time limit...

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Yes I always Smile

Went to see D tonight. When he took his clothes off and laid in the bed he grabbed me by the back of the head and kissed me, which not something we all the time. It was like making out you do in high school. It pretty much made me hot.The sex was more like the kind of sex we used to have back in the day. INTENSE! Toward the end of the evening I started to get tired and I was a little overheated, he sets the heat at fucking 85, I was in need of a drink an some cuddling time, but I was not getting it tonight. Instead he tells me to flip over so he can fuck me. He keeps pushing my head down and trying to get me to keep it down, lol, he said to me at one point "It is like you have never fucked before", I admit I was a little off by that time. I was so fucking hot, I start to like obsess on whatever is bothering me until it consumes me, and it did, it did not stop him though. He figured out how to do it with my mind on other things.
 
It is bad to when the staff at the motel knows your car and waves to you when they see you pull up, or when they give me the look when I return the key with the "just been fucked" hair.
 
Anyhow I am driving home, making good time, not too much traffic, I am relaxed listening to Nightline on the radio, and like a mile from my exit, I get pulled over. Doing 82 in a 65. Well after the cop asked me 20 questions, look in every part of my car he could from the outside, he went to his car. He came back with a warning (thank god) but still a ticket because my front headlight was out. He was young looking, not bad looking, and I was thrilled not to have a ticket with points.
 
So he passes me, I am doing 70 now, and he flies out of sight. So he ends up in front of me at the turnpike off ramp and then turns his lights on again. I stick my head out the window and say what did i do now... he asked me if I always smile that much and told me I made his night pleasant. Totally strange, he also asked me where exactly was the town I lived in. I used to be totally intimidate by cops but now not so much, but that was uncomfortable for me, I asked please not to follow me home. He laughed and said he wont.

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Que Sera Sera

I have been trying to see D all week. Either I had no one to watch the baby or he could not come down here, it seemed like forever since I have seen him and in reality it was 2 or 3 weeks. I had my day planned down to the minute, as I often do. It is not something I like about the way my life is right, now, but I really do not know how to do all I need to do with out planning everything the way I do. So Thursday night, he asked me to come up his way. We pick a time, and I tell him I will confirm with him Friday afternoon. I was out with my husband all day friday, taking care of some things for our move and enjoying a day we got to spend five minuets together not as parents. Anyhow I come home and got a shower and I am out the door. As I am walking out the door, D calls. He is having some trouble with a vehicle to meet me. I cant even pretend I wanted to hear the details, I don't know what was up with his truck but something blah blah blah... told me to wait to come, then don't come, then hold on, then come up because he wants to see me and our opportunity to see each in the next 2 weeks in limited. I was ageravated, as my precise planning, interrupted by his "free flowing" life. I am fuming, but still driving to meet him. At this point I am livid, because his attitude on the phone, and just because in general something is up with him and I dont know what. In the year and half (since he moved) things have just been hectic. Of course there is the problem I was getting fucked 3x a week now I am lucky to get 3x a month. Even that is ok, but he really seem unhappy, and very stressed. I dont want to add to his unhappiness but that moment that night I could not take another second of it. So I call my girl on the phone to tell her where I am going... you know in case I never come back,,, and to talk to her about my situation.
 
Now I realize that I am a harsh women. I see things very black and white and have very little sympathy for people. It is not that is how I would like to be, it is just how I am. And I my girlfriend is so much kinder then I am, and can show me a different side of a situation. I am glad I called her. She helped me put everything in perspective, and sort out how I am feeling. Sometimes people ask me why do I bother with D, let it go. Simply we have been together (in our own little together way) for so long...since I was 24. It is hard for me to cut him out of my life. Not to mention my daughter was created because of him and is part of him, and she has a half brother and half sister, and why should she not know them and some point in her life.  Moral of the story - I worry about him too much - Whatever will be will, I have no control in his life, I choose to love him or leave and I am staying.
 
I cant even really talk much about the sex. It was good, and everything I needed, but that part that is still resonating in my brain is this cleaning guy at the motel. We meet at the same place each time, and each time there is a guy cleaning rooms, White guy late 20's, trying to look gangsta, not bad looking, kind of buff. Anyhow he is always checking us out as we go to our room and when we come out he is all ways standing next to our door. I like that. I like that this black guy is in the room fucking the white cunt why the white guys stands outside and listens... that is nice.

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Addictive

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Mental Unload

I have been spending many many mornings in a toddler gymnastics class. One of the very few times in my life I spend with other women. Now please understand I want to like these women, I do, I try hard to find something I like about them. I want my child to be more social then I am so I try my best. I feel like these women are very transparent, I don't know what their first impression of me is, I am pretty much thinking it is something like BITCH. I don't think I am bitchy but I realize that I am blunt, and to the point and not everyone loves that.  It does not help that my daughter is one of these kids that will tolerate other people but when everyone clears out of one side of the gym that is where she goes. She likes the space I guess, or the peace of not having people in her way. Can you blame her? I guess more to the point I just don't feel like I have anything at all in common with these women, other then we all have babies the same age, they all seem to be from a different planet then me.
 
I am not one of these real silly parents either. I am very relaxed at home but I don't feel like I need to look like an asshole in public for my child to have fun. The mother today was on the trampoline with her son and she was on all fours, acting like some kind of animal, all the mothers were looking at her strange. I know it is crazy but I expect my child to sit and eat in a restaurant, and I would never allow her to scream and fuss while other people are trying to enjoy their selves. Perhaps that is part of my submissive nature, that I just prefer to blend, and would rather be known for good character then good looks.
 
After gym class, we went to lunch, where there was a table of 4 people, 2 couples. And let me first say, I hope this does not come out soundling like i am a racist but I must say it. When they came in it was like instant chaos, the 2 black men, were seemingly harmless, not attractive, a little ghetto looking, and a their women were hit (meaning ugly). One was a tall average size black women with Huge Fake Hair, Fake Eyelashes I could see from across the room, and some trashy tits hanging out shirt that made me want to ask her to leave her coat on. The other women, was a black bbw, with like almost no hair, pulled pback  in a rubber band, Not a hair band, but a rubber band. She was shy and self conscience, she carried herself with ZERO confidence, and coincidently her man was the most ghetto of the two looking like someone just paroled today. She probably thinks that is the best she can do.
 
I cant help but to pay attention to them, they are so captivating. They order drinks and 3 out of 4 send them back for something different. And 2 out of 3 say never mind just give me water. I see the waitress is a little put out now, I dont think they noticed. The tall woman and her man began to play with the cell phone and he jumps up yelling and laughing and grbbing the phone out of her hand, he falls into the booth behind him a little and then sits back down laughing. The girlfriend turns around and says "don't mind him he is not ok, we think he is bi polar" well you know that pissed me off. So then I started to look at them with more disgust then ever. I don't know what my point is here, I guess I am shocked that people, grown people can still act so stupid, in public no less.
 
I work with several women who are of this ghetto caliber, I have known them awhile and now i feel bad for them more then anything because I don't think they see any other way to live. I have been somewhat privileged in my life and had parents that taught me clearly what values were important (and monogamy was not one). I just amazes me how some people cant figure out that life can be more then what they make it.
 
Just needed to talk about that for a bit it was still bothering me.
 
 

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Checking In

Been a 13 hour work day for me, and I am not used to such extended hours, but I am a little hyper this evening. D told me to call him today, but I did not. I would have been worried if he did not answer and I what if he had bad news to report... I would just like to go on believing everything is wonderful tonight. And I hope Saturday Night I will be with him again. My girlfriend seems to be in awe with me sometimes when I talk to her about D. She says " You really love him dont you", She asked me the other day if I love him or just his sex, a good question and one D has asked of me. I know it might be hard for everyone to believe, but if we never had sex again, I would love him and it would be enough just to be with him. Afterall that is how my marriage has become. My husband and I fucked like animals for years and then it was done. Maybe D take some pics when I see him... :)

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Quick Update

So I have been back to work for about 10 days now, and of course since I have went back there have been several very long days, early mornings (which I genreally do not do) and I am really beat. The emotional stress in the last 2 weeks has been a bit overwhelming and I am looking forward to some quiet time. I have spoken to D several times, and I am relieved to know he was not ignoring my calls, or angry with me, and I hope to see him this weekend. I hope the pic links worked correctly as I simple did not have the time to mess with them. Someone please tell me if it did not work, and maybe next time I will figure out this embedding in blog the CM keeps talking about.

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Disphoria

 Masterluke said hello to me the other day. Nice to know he is still alive, but he never did say what happened to the blog. Something about that pisses me off. I know that I am selective with the people I allow in my life, and I think that is what upsets me the most about when I loose a relationship, is that I invest time and thought into it and it is gone. There are not many people I have known that I cant still call today and be like "whats up". I dont like to burn bridges, and I dont like loose people in my life that I liked enough to talk to for awhile, like enough to give my time to. Anyway, at leat Masterluke is still alive always a good thing.
 
I am very miserable tonight. Sad mostly I think, I am lonely. I need a hug, I need to lay in bed and be held, but that does not seem to be happening. I have actually called all three men tonight, D, L, and Young Boy, but it was not meant to be. D still has not called me since he was suppose to show up on the 14. I dont even know what to think about that as it is so out of character for him, I worry. I have been assured he is fine, that he is busy working, but that is not an acceptable reason for me. And we will have issue if he ever does call me again. I hate when I feel like this with him. I still thinks he doubts that I love him, I know he does. He always says, you dont love me you just love my dick. I love the dick but since I have first met him I have loved him. I miss him a lot this week. I think i have been just really worried so he has been on my mind like all the time. Ugh I need some mental cleansing.
 
I have cold case on... now i am crying it is so sad.
 
Talked to L tonight, it was nice. Sometimes I feel like I can not make him happy. Like I am not worthy. I have so many issues, my god I am definatly PMSing, I am so freaking hormonal tonight. God I hope my mind settles down soon...
 

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