Im just getting in from seeing D. As I was getting ready to go see him, I thought to myself let me look like I at least tried to look good when I see him, so I started to do my hair and threw on jeans, and then I was like these jeans are not going to work for the hour drive, so I quickly ditched that idea and put on my sweatpant and a hoodie and hopped in the car. D has never been big on clothing thank god - when I met him I was in Home Depot picking up a part for my husband and brother who were remodeling our bathroom and I had not showered in like a day and a half and I had on some dirty sweats (dirty because I too like to be hands on in home projects). Anyhow when I got there D had on a T-shirt and his sweats, our usual attire, we get into bed, not passionatly, just lay there talking, watching CSI a little bit, we are there like 35 minutes and he finally wants me to suck his dick. I was getting worried why is this man not throwing his dick down my throat like he always does, but I went with it for awhile. Soon enough I had it in my mouth and then he wanted in my ass, first. Which is always a issue for me,,, i need to cum like at least 4 or 5 times to relax then I can think about the dick in my ass, but he fucked my ass first and it was lovely. He fucked my ass for almost an entire hour, it was nice, and I seem to cum just as much as when he is fucking my pussy, but it is diffirent, but so good. Then we laid around talking like two old people. We fucked one more time, but he was slapping me and ramming his dick so hard into me, I had some real tears. He was making me really angry, I have been so out of touch with any aspect of pain, I little of taste of it and I am sobbing like a child. We lay around some more and leave.
I am begining to feel like perhaps I need to do a little better in the excitment department, the sex is still wonderful, but something about the fact that we just rest bothers me a little bit, it is nice to be able to relax but it feels like I am laying in bed with my husband, that is not necessarily a good thing.
Since I have had a little time off work, I have had a ridiculous amout of time to explore all the stuff on my desk. I have finally taken the time to look through the archive of CD and I come across all the Adult Photos I have. I felt a little reminisant when I saw one that said "adult photo 2001" 2001 WHAT, that was like a lifetime ago for me, I miss it, that lifestyle, but I person cant keep that pace up forever. I am going to look through the photo see if there is anything worth posting...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Women are Bitches
I went to a bridal shower over the weekend, it was a nice event, but generally I hated it. I had my daugther with me, and my mother was also there. Several of the women in the bridal party are people I went to school with, not friends just people I know. I feel out of place. Completely and totally out of place. I know people there and they are all very friendly, it is a lovely get together but I feel like I would rather be anywhere but here. I feel like those women I went to school with look at me with dissapproval, not only do I feel it from this one women, but I know it, but her body language and her lack of eye contact. I leave just as soon as I can, feeling like a freed prisoner of war. I say to myself "why did I ever say I would go". The very next day I see that same women in the grocery store. She gives me yet another one of those looks, it is hard to describe but it is not pleasant. I spew nothing but hateful vibration her way and we move on. Now why do women make me feel like that, feel like a slut. A man can call me a slut and whore, treat me like a slut and whore, share with his friends and call me his whore, but I never really feel like a whore. A women can give me a disapproving look and I feel shamed. Well some what shamed, I feel like my face is getting warm, I feel exposed and I feel like they can see everything I have done wrong. This bitch from the shower, she was more, I am better then you looks, which i hate to admit irriatate me, but if she thinks she is better then me then good for her. I dont feel like I am striving to be better then anyone, just trying to hold on to that zen like contentment that I feel from time to time.
Is it any wonder I have female friend, and I used to fuck her.
My mom told me the other day that someone in my family(cousin) was making racist comments to my mother in front of my daugther. I was very taken back by this. I just assummed that all of my family would just be as open as my parents and siblings have been, but as my Mom talked to her about "how black and white people just should not mix" and I was crushed. I was not there at the time, but that hurt me. I think both my mom and I were surprised just how much that bothered us. Granted the women was 90 years old and grew up in a diffirent time, but that gave me a diffirent perspective on things.
D was going to come down last night, but I fell asleep way early and missed his call. He asked me "what happened last night" and I told him, but he does not believe me. I asked if he could come down tonight " I dont know if tonight is good" (meaning= i am punishing you for not answering your phone last night). Hopefully he will get over and come down or I am going to need to head up to see him tomorrow.
Is it any wonder I have female friend, and I used to fuck her.
My mom told me the other day that someone in my family(cousin) was making racist comments to my mother in front of my daugther. I was very taken back by this. I just assummed that all of my family would just be as open as my parents and siblings have been, but as my Mom talked to her about "how black and white people just should not mix" and I was crushed. I was not there at the time, but that hurt me. I think both my mom and I were surprised just how much that bothered us. Granted the women was 90 years old and grew up in a diffirent time, but that gave me a diffirent perspective on things.
D was going to come down last night, but I fell asleep way early and missed his call. He asked me "what happened last night" and I told him, but he does not believe me. I asked if he could come down tonight " I dont know if tonight is good" (meaning= i am punishing you for not answering your phone last night). Hopefully he will get over and come down or I am going to need to head up to see him tomorrow.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I do have some self control
Trying to despertally to fall asleep, tossing and turning, debating on wether to take another sleeping pill, I try so hard to calm down and relax, but it does not come. Out of no where I am like ahh yes that is my problem. I get up from my bed and get my very favorite vibrator and scrurry back under the covers. 46 minutes later I have to stop, I dont want to end the blissful wave of orgasams that keep washing over my body, but my vibrator is hot to the touch ( i gave up on battery operated long ago), and I was still aware that it was now 1:46 am and that I will need to get up. I let myself have one more orgasm and I quickly shut off the vibrator, because if I let it linger I will never get up. Now I am sweaty and hot, breathless and blissful. I fall to sleep almost immediatly.
I am grateful to have had that self control last night. On a night like that I would have called someone from my "list" to come take care of things for me. It is not my idea of completle sexual fulfillment but I am ok to wait until I can go see D or he can come see me. Seems like my list of people I actually fuck is just down to D. Not of my choosing but what am I to say "Please, please, please.... Nah. And alot of it goes back to I want what I want when I want it.
I am grateful to have had that self control last night. On a night like that I would have called someone from my "list" to come take care of things for me. It is not my idea of completle sexual fulfillment but I am ok to wait until I can go see D or he can come see me. Seems like my list of people I actually fuck is just down to D. Not of my choosing but what am I to say "Please, please, please.... Nah. And alot of it goes back to I want what I want when I want it.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Can I Exhale Yet?
I know it has been a few days since I last blogged. 2008 has not been all that great thus far, my daughter has been sick,again, and we are working on some other exhausting issues. Mainly, finding play groups and speech therapy teachers since she seems to be lacking in her expressive language skills. (Seems odd my daughter is unable to freely express herself) Nonetheless these thing fill me with great stress as well as fill my day with many activities, sometimes I just feel like I have been used already, and I have not been near a man all day.
I regret to report the waiter has not been a priority lately as who has time to feel out a new person and have them understand where I am coming from and fit into my life. So to update everyone, I am pretty much only get dick from one person, D. And people wonder why I love him. This man never leaves needing / wanting him for long before he takes care of me. I can appreciate that.
I mention "the other guy" in one of the last posts, how he was irritated with me and consistently seems to compare my relationship with him to other relationships - he apparantly is still not talking to me. I feel somewhat regretful that this is where that relationship is but I swear I do not have the energy required to keep that up, everything out of my mouth is wrong. I told him we should not talk, because there is some nice chemistry between us, but we cant talk. I see he needs to be a fucking only. I thinking "talking" online leaves to much up for interpretation and I feel like people misunderstand my intention often.
Oh yes, and I am STILL pissed off being taught a lesson last week, essestially, wasting my precious time. That was just ignorant. I dont know how to make myself feel better about that, but I need to. (Taking a deep breath) I got to get some sleep. I have a early toddler gym class....
I regret to report the waiter has not been a priority lately as who has time to feel out a new person and have them understand where I am coming from and fit into my life. So to update everyone, I am pretty much only get dick from one person, D. And people wonder why I love him. This man never leaves needing / wanting him for long before he takes care of me. I can appreciate that.
I mention "the other guy" in one of the last posts, how he was irritated with me and consistently seems to compare my relationship with him to other relationships - he apparantly is still not talking to me. I feel somewhat regretful that this is where that relationship is but I swear I do not have the energy required to keep that up, everything out of my mouth is wrong. I told him we should not talk, because there is some nice chemistry between us, but we cant talk. I see he needs to be a fucking only. I thinking "talking" online leaves to much up for interpretation and I feel like people misunderstand my intention often.
Oh yes, and I am STILL pissed off being taught a lesson last week, essestially, wasting my precious time. That was just ignorant. I dont know how to make myself feel better about that, but I need to. (Taking a deep breath) I got to get some sleep. I have a early toddler gym class....
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The New Waiter
I went to dinner with my girlfriend last night. Our waiter was a very nice looking black man. We were both impressed. We had a nice time, it was so good to be away from kids, husbands, and all the other crap. Needless to say, I spoke with our waiter later that evening on the phone about our sexual preferences. Looking forward to many goood stories, pics, and maybe videos. Why pick up the hot waiter when I have a long list of men. Here is a secret no one believes when I tell them. While I love dick with a passion I have seriously limited who I fuck these days. Since I have had the baby it has been the same 3 people, which is suprisning for me I know. I had to streamline things, as sex is not my only focus anymore. I frankly I prefer to have sex with people I know, like the same people over and over and over again. I feel more comfortable, and then understand how I am, and I spend less time trying to be what they want me to, and just being me. Anyhow the magic 3 have seriously let me down. D always a constant continues to keep me happy, but one seems to be mad at me 90% of the time, and I swear (like most situations in my) I have NO IDEA what I have done. Even "young boy" is acting strange, as he thinks I have endless amounts of women to invite to a 3some when ever. When I really have no women and I am very ok with this because dick is my passion not pussy. I know this shit has got to be me but I still have no clue how to fix this shit.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Long Boring Day
As you know I am not working right now, and I am pretty much as bored as I can possibly be. I am a person who has to work. I can not wander through life with out responsibility. I am so bored I have actually started looking up high school boyfriends on myspace just to say hello. I have been online a lot these last few days and I frankly need to pull the plug, I just loose track of time on this thing and start to crave even the slightest bit of attention from someone / anyone.
Still no word from MasterLuke... but the original Master, I forget my nickname I had for him, but I think he would like the original Master, has been leaving some comments. Now keep in mind our D/s relationship (is that the right term?) ended pretty much because I felt like he pushed my limits too much and he felt like I did not obey. OK fine, but since that time we have talked online here and there. Now he is not someone I am particularly attracted to, although to be honest I barely remember his face, but he is white and therefore simply not my type, but I am drawn to him. I like the way he makes me feel. I like that he makes me feel used and meaningless. I like that he keeps things very strict and always his way and never mine. I wonder how he did it. I consider myself a strong willed person, why did I need this control and why did it feel so good. Why did I put myself through so much physical pain for very little amounts of praise and pleasure. Well we briefly discussed my "being his cunt again" the other night. I said I can not give you everything (or something to that effect) and he asked me what do I have to give. Well shit, I had not dam answer, like nothing to say. What do I have to give... pretty much good intentions which I already will fall short as soon as I get too tired or too bored or too sore or to busy or my husband gets too pissy about the time I devote outside of the home. I am beginning to feel useless.
So as I have come to see my life goes in cycles, as I have mentioned so many times, you I encourage people I meet to read up on me on this blog, so they know what they are getting into. I come and I go, in an out of personalities and moods. If you read the blog with any regularity you should have picked up on the fact I will blog heavily for maybe a month or two about feelings and thoughts and where am I going in life and it will shift into straight fuck reports and pictures and videos, then I will drop out of the online world completely and then the cycles repeats. This is me. I have no control over it as I feel like different people in each phase, it is like different seasons. They like to call it BiPolar D/O, its just me, and some people can deal with me like that and some cannot. Some people think I ignore them purposefully and some people get angry with me. I can do nothing but apologise for feeling or egos I have hurt but I don't make apologies for who I am. And I wont promise it wont happen again because it will.
So the original Master does not care for my writing lately. Too "lovey dovey", I firmly disagree. I never proof read what I write and I never think twice about what it is I am writing, I write from the heart and its therapeutic for me, and I do it for me. It is a fabulous outlet for me and it does not hurt that during the season for fucking, many people find much masturbation material.
But more then that I am a human being. I know for his fantasies he might truly want me to be a pure slut, but that is only one section of who I am. One part cannot exist with out the other.
Still no word from MasterLuke... but the original Master, I forget my nickname I had for him, but I think he would like the original Master, has been leaving some comments. Now keep in mind our D/s relationship (is that the right term?) ended pretty much because I felt like he pushed my limits too much and he felt like I did not obey. OK fine, but since that time we have talked online here and there. Now he is not someone I am particularly attracted to, although to be honest I barely remember his face, but he is white and therefore simply not my type, but I am drawn to him. I like the way he makes me feel. I like that he makes me feel used and meaningless. I like that he keeps things very strict and always his way and never mine. I wonder how he did it. I consider myself a strong willed person, why did I need this control and why did it feel so good. Why did I put myself through so much physical pain for very little amounts of praise and pleasure. Well we briefly discussed my "being his cunt again" the other night. I said I can not give you everything (or something to that effect) and he asked me what do I have to give. Well shit, I had not dam answer, like nothing to say. What do I have to give... pretty much good intentions which I already will fall short as soon as I get too tired or too bored or too sore or to busy or my husband gets too pissy about the time I devote outside of the home. I am beginning to feel useless.
So as I have come to see my life goes in cycles, as I have mentioned so many times, you I encourage people I meet to read up on me on this blog, so they know what they are getting into. I come and I go, in an out of personalities and moods. If you read the blog with any regularity you should have picked up on the fact I will blog heavily for maybe a month or two about feelings and thoughts and where am I going in life and it will shift into straight fuck reports and pictures and videos, then I will drop out of the online world completely and then the cycles repeats. This is me. I have no control over it as I feel like different people in each phase, it is like different seasons. They like to call it BiPolar D/O, its just me, and some people can deal with me like that and some cannot. Some people think I ignore them purposefully and some people get angry with me. I can do nothing but apologise for feeling or egos I have hurt but I don't make apologies for who I am. And I wont promise it wont happen again because it will.
So the original Master does not care for my writing lately. Too "lovey dovey", I firmly disagree. I never proof read what I write and I never think twice about what it is I am writing, I write from the heart and its therapeutic for me, and I do it for me. It is a fabulous outlet for me and it does not hurt that during the season for fucking, many people find much masturbation material.
But more then that I am a human being. I know for his fantasies he might truly want me to be a pure slut, but that is only one section of who I am. One part cannot exist with out the other.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Your Kidding Me, Right?
Perhaps it is me. How can it not be me when I seem to create the same problems over and over with the diffirent people. So as you know fromt he last post, had some tentive plans to go out tonight. So I call and I text and IM and then I pretty much let it go. Not really feeling particularly upset, or sad, or pissed or anything but slighty aroused from the thought of getting dick all day. So I do talk to him to see whats up, I assumed work late, busy, girlfriend, whatever, I did not really care, just felt like ok when can we fuck. I get told I was being taught a lesson tonight, becaues I want to fuck, when and where I want to fuck.
For the record, I want what I want when I want it! You can choose to play along with me or not, but I never pretend to be anything other what I am. I am selfish and busy and I know what I want. To be clear incase someone here does not know it by heart, I want to be fucked by many, well hung, men with island accents, in many diffirent ways and many times. I do not wish to be taught a lesson! I do not wish to be anyones student, child, or dare I say submissive.
I am pretty angry about what happened at this point, because my time is so precious, and the times that i have the oppurtunity and energy to go out are far and few between, and he pretty much screwed me, on purpose, to teach me a lesson. WHAT THE FUCK
So as I am on the phone with my girlfriend telling her this shit, she is like why do you bother even continuing the conversation. She is like " Just be Done with Him", and I would but I liked him. I liked that I never had to worry about condoms with him, he would wear them and not try to sneak it off, I liked that he knew how to fuck , and he appreciated that i enjoyed more then one dick at a time, I liked talking to him, I liked that I felt comfortable with him, and to some extent I trusted him. (Shaking my head in disgust) All he had to say was hey I am not feeling this tonight, I dont want to feel like your bitch you call on whenever you want dick... which conincidently was just fine before. The best part of all of this is this has happened with other people too. Again What the fuck is going on here? I have nothing left to say on that topic.
Now, let me explain the part of me not wanting to be someones submissive. So I dont have a Master in the sense I am used to. I am not collared and I am not really getting much discipline, but I do belong to someone, D. He and I began with a Dom/sub relationship and we have evolved to whatever it is now, but he is the person I feel obligated to obey and make happy. Everything else is for fun, for mutual enjoyment, for new experiences, for stress relief, for pure pleasure and sexual exploration. I will be submissive in whatever sex act occurs, but I do not want to be your submissive.
And one last rant, I have talked in the old blog about the young boy J (that is what my girlfriend calls him). He fucks me when I want to be fucked, if he can and wants to, and i do that same for him. We talk whenever. It is ZERO Stress and I love it. Now people please tell me what is wrong with that? Why does the young boy know whats up, and the men dont?
For the record, I want what I want when I want it! You can choose to play along with me or not, but I never pretend to be anything other what I am. I am selfish and busy and I know what I want. To be clear incase someone here does not know it by heart, I want to be fucked by many, well hung, men with island accents, in many diffirent ways and many times. I do not wish to be taught a lesson! I do not wish to be anyones student, child, or dare I say submissive.
I am pretty angry about what happened at this point, because my time is so precious, and the times that i have the oppurtunity and energy to go out are far and few between, and he pretty much screwed me, on purpose, to teach me a lesson. WHAT THE FUCK
So as I am on the phone with my girlfriend telling her this shit, she is like why do you bother even continuing the conversation. She is like " Just be Done with Him", and I would but I liked him. I liked that I never had to worry about condoms with him, he would wear them and not try to sneak it off, I liked that he knew how to fuck , and he appreciated that i enjoyed more then one dick at a time, I liked talking to him, I liked that I felt comfortable with him, and to some extent I trusted him. (Shaking my head in disgust) All he had to say was hey I am not feeling this tonight, I dont want to feel like your bitch you call on whenever you want dick... which conincidently was just fine before. The best part of all of this is this has happened with other people too. Again What the fuck is going on here? I have nothing left to say on that topic.
Now, let me explain the part of me not wanting to be someones submissive. So I dont have a Master in the sense I am used to. I am not collared and I am not really getting much discipline, but I do belong to someone, D. He and I began with a Dom/sub relationship and we have evolved to whatever it is now, but he is the person I feel obligated to obey and make happy. Everything else is for fun, for mutual enjoyment, for new experiences, for stress relief, for pure pleasure and sexual exploration. I will be submissive in whatever sex act occurs, but I do not want to be your submissive.
And one last rant, I have talked in the old blog about the young boy J (that is what my girlfriend calls him). He fucks me when I want to be fucked, if he can and wants to, and i do that same for him. We talk whenever. It is ZERO Stress and I love it. Now people please tell me what is wrong with that? Why does the young boy know whats up, and the men dont?
The Man behind the Counter
I am not working for the rest of this week, so today I head out to kill time running errands with my Mother. We stop at this local Boston Market for lunch. When I walk in there is a quiet black man with Wyclef-esque features, making sandwiches. Our eyes locked for a minute and I was tyring hard not to throw myself over the counter and start making love to him. It was obvious we were into each other, and if I had been alone I would have made eye contact with him as I went to the bathroom, so he could meet me in the hallway to exchange contact information, and about 10 years ago I would have met him in the bathroom, sucked his dick, bent over to get fucked and wave goodbye never to look back as he struggles to gain his balance and put his dripping wet dick back in his pants. It is not to be as my Mother and child are with me and I do try to act like a polite women not obsessed with sex while in he presence of my parents. I turn to eat my lunch and enjoy their company. An older couple walks in, and my daughter begins to giggle and laugh and happily waves hello, the man stops and chats with us a bit, and goes on his way to get his lunch. The fabulous black man from behind the counter comes around front and greets this couple, his parents, with a hug. I cant help but turn and gaze at him some more, at this point my mother even gave me the look, the look that said "knock it off"! So I do. I immerse myself in feeding my daughter and idle conversation with my mother, imagining how feesible it would be to come here each and every day for lunch until our paths cross again. So I offer up to fate. Perhaps that man will read my blog who his friend will...stranger things have happened in my life.
So tonight I might be going out. I have needed some punishing sex, some almost brutal, leave me gasping for breath on the floor as I crawl to revive my self in the bathroom sex. I need to feel used. And while I am nervous and down right scared of how my body and mind will hold up I am anxious to feel it again, as it has been a long long time for that kind of sex. I despertly would like to have this type of sex with D, most of the time, but who has the energy or the time. I sware when I do get to see him now, I just really want to lay in his arms and just touch him. I realize that relationship and ended up in a totally diffirent place then I expected - for me anyway. I never want to speak for him as he leaves me completly unaware of his true feelings 95% of the time.
If I do end up going out I hope to have some hot pictures to show for myself, but where to post? I can not post them as per bloggers policies and I know MasterLukeXXX had a place but his whereabouts are still unknown. Any suggestions I would appreciate.
So tonight I might be going out. I have needed some punishing sex, some almost brutal, leave me gasping for breath on the floor as I crawl to revive my self in the bathroom sex. I need to feel used. And while I am nervous and down right scared of how my body and mind will hold up I am anxious to feel it again, as it has been a long long time for that kind of sex. I despertly would like to have this type of sex with D, most of the time, but who has the energy or the time. I sware when I do get to see him now, I just really want to lay in his arms and just touch him. I realize that relationship and ended up in a totally diffirent place then I expected - for me anyway. I never want to speak for him as he leaves me completly unaware of his true feelings 95% of the time.
If I do end up going out I hope to have some hot pictures to show for myself, but where to post? I can not post them as per bloggers policies and I know MasterLukeXXX had a place but his whereabouts are still unknown. Any suggestions I would appreciate.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
A New Begining
I regret to inform all of you my old blog (www.submissivegirl279.blogspot.com) has dissappeared, and any hope of recovery is slim to none. So this will be the new home, share with your friends, as I love to get feedback on the blog.
The most important diffirence with the new blog here, is MasterLukexx is no longer the adminastrator. After experiencnig some issues with the blog I began to realize it has been a long time since I spoke with Master Luke - like a month. Further research indicated that no longer was forwarding my email to his inbox so he could review it. If it gives any indication about how busy I have been this last month, it took me a month to notice, these things. I have no idea how long the old blog was down, and when trying to contact tech support was embrassed to admit, I really had no clue.
So today, a new begining. Perhaps it is only fitting, a new year - a new home for my endless mind games and manic rants. It makes me sad though not to ever be able to read the minute details I have archived in that blog. However, I have no choice but to move on.
The most important diffirence with the new blog here, is MasterLukexx is no longer the adminastrator. After experiencnig some issues with the blog I began to realize it has been a long time since I spoke with Master Luke - like a month. Further research indicated that no longer was forwarding my email to his inbox so he could review it. If it gives any indication about how busy I have been this last month, it took me a month to notice, these things. I have no idea how long the old blog was down, and when trying to contact tech support was embrassed to admit, I really had no clue.
So today, a new begining. Perhaps it is only fitting, a new year - a new home for my endless mind games and manic rants. It makes me sad though not to ever be able to read the minute details I have archived in that blog. However, I have no choice but to move on.
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