I had mentioned that D had been calling me all week. He never wants me like this. Maybe it was my unavailability in the last few weeks that made him miss me, or maybe he was just horny and needed it. Anyhow he told me he could meet me down my way and we met at my old house. My old, cold, empty house. I called the realtor, also a close friend of mine and told him please do not show the house tonight. All that is left in it is a couch. We did not even need. I was forcing myself to go. I was so tired. My body just ached and ached from all the heavy lifting and constant activity over the last week. But my body still needed it, and I unfortunately was unable to get some dick before my period and it is hard to get over that unfullfillment. I still had my period, a little anyway, i usually would give D a heads up, but I could not risk him loosing interest, as I knew I desperately needed this tonight. We met and wondered around my shell of a house, it actually made me quite sad. Sad to see my home disappearing before my eyes. I conceived my daughter in that house,and brought her home,and walked her up and down the hall on the sleepless nights. I cry now thinking back on it. It is my home. I put so much effort into making my home a sanctuary for myself and my family, it is hard to let it go. I honestly still tear up when I go out of my way to drive past the first home I bought. The house was small, and I hated my neighbors, but it was still our first house together and we were happy there. Anyway D fucked me for like a fast paced marathon hour. I felt like he was on the clock. It was non stop fuck, cum, fuck some more. He fucked me with this vigor I have not really felt in awhile. I actually thought to myself while he was fucking me, he better not be fucking me for the last time... You know how some men like to make the last time the best, so you beg for more.
After about an hour or so he gets dress and says he must go, he needs to get back to get his kids. I am relieved as I desperately want to get back to resting in my bed. D is going through some shit in his life and it has become a little more real for me then I would like. Sometimes D's life is like a fairy tale to me, Something I just know about on the outside and never really step into. I feel like I am getting sucked into the story and I don't really love that. I just want to love him but I selfishly dont want the stress that comes along with loving someone. Either way I hugged him while we were standing there talking. He just stood there cold and kept talking. I felt very unloved at the moment. D is not the most affectionate man or at least I have noticed with me, when we are dressed it is not a time hugging and all that. We walked out and were getting ready to go when he said "Alright Baby Girl, I need to go" and he hugged me. I could have just melted away into him. Sounds silly but it meant a lot to me as it is not his normal good bye. Maybe you had to be there or just understand how we are. For me it was just what I needed.
I was driving today and this radio show was on and the women said " Who are you thinking of tonight, you spouse, best friend, etc..... call in and share you story" I was thinking about the men in my life. Rather the people in my life. And I sometimes get caught up in the idea of there is something wrong with my life, that my choices or immoral. Though rare, I do ever now and then doubt myself and the choices I have made. But I got strong as I heard her say that. In this culture we are only celebrating Monogamy. We do not celebrate love. It frustrates me at times, that I can not just be me with out the whole world making comments. Although I do a pretty good job of it.
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Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I go to a basketball game last night. It was some kind of charity thing where the Eagles players play against school teachers. Anyhow they were all some what attractive, the Eagles players that is. My husband points out their wives to me. All three wives that were there, were white, and their husbands black. I did feel some pangs of jealously. I don't know for what exactly, maybe they were able to get their black dick whenever they wanted it and I of course feel like I need congress approval for mine. I just felt like I wish I could try their life out, for a little while anyway. I feel like I believe that if I were married to a black man, I would be blissfully happy, which I admit is stupid. I have this "god-like" imagine of black men. I see a stark difference in the way they treat women and I much prefer it to some of the more common chracteristics of a white me. In reality I know the grass is seldom greener on the other side, and I am happy most of the time now.
D has been calling me a lot lately. Not sure why he has such a strong need to see me. I am going to try to see him tonight. After, how can i say no when he offers to come down my way and he has asked to see me a lot this week.
I am very much in need of some down time. I have been going full pace for a few weeks now and I just feel like I NEED a break. Like an entire night away from all this activity.
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D has been calling me a lot lately. Not sure why he has such a strong need to see me. I am going to try to see him tonight. After, how can i say no when he offers to come down my way and he has asked to see me a lot this week.
I am very much in need of some down time. I have been going full pace for a few weeks now and I just feel like I NEED a break. Like an entire night away from all this activity.
How well do you know your celebrity gossip? Talk celebrity smackdowns here.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Just Checking in
It has been like at least 2 weeks since I have been fucked. Today I am starting to feel it. I am turning all that penned up frustration into some very productive hours putting my house back in order. I have my period which makes a little worse, I cant even get a quick fuck just to hold me over.
I finally have high speed internet and my computer set up in my new house, just trying to put my life back in order then I should be play with those videos i have been trying to upload forever. Oh btw the Jamaican Guy, did indeed call. The sound of his voice could make me cum. I am too busy to even think about entertaining another man, but if he keeps calling me he might get lucky. The only problem is, I did not get to look at his dick or feel it out. I am very cautious about that now, I need to know it will be worth my time. Although he does seem fascinated with white women the way I am fascinated with black men.
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I finally have high speed internet and my computer set up in my new house, just trying to put my life back in order then I should be play with those videos i have been trying to upload forever. Oh btw the Jamaican Guy, did indeed call. The sound of his voice could make me cum. I am too busy to even think about entertaining another man, but if he keeps calling me he might get lucky. The only problem is, I did not get to look at his dick or feel it out. I am very cautious about that now, I need to know it will be worth my time. Although he does seem fascinated with white women the way I am fascinated with black men.
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Sunday, March 23, 2008
Movin On Up
As we all know I have been moving, a process that usually causes me much emotional stress. This time I am hanging tough, not really emotional about leaving my house and really cant wait to put it all behind me. This house was not my first home with my husband (that house I still miss) but this house has caused many aruguments in our marriage. We were able to purchase it cheap b/c it is an older home and needed some updates, now all the updates are done and I ready to bounce.
So closing for my new house was delayed thanks to the Bear Sterns issues, so they ended up having to rewrite my mortage. I ended up moving on Wednesday. In the rain. I am from the school of thought that you dont pay someone to do something you can do. So my husband and I and a strong teenager, moved everything piece of furniture out of the old house and back to the new house in 5 hours... lol. Anyhow on one of the trips back I get stuck behind this pickup truck and I am trying to hurry as, my husband has to be back at work on Friday and I need to get all moved by then. The pick up truck just happens to pull into my driveway to turn around. I was all pissed off at first that I was delayed then I saw the driver. Cute young black man. He rolls his window down to tell me that he was just turning around and I hear his fabulous Jamaican Accent... AHHH YESS! I turn into this animal all of a sudden. Like a german Sheppard puts his ears up and stands at alert. This is how I feel. We exvhange numbers as I pretend to give him directions b/c my husband is about 10 feet behind me, loading the truck...
Anyhow, I must go, I am cleaning up the old house today and I am on a time limit...
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So closing for my new house was delayed thanks to the Bear Sterns issues, so they ended up having to rewrite my mortage. I ended up moving on Wednesday. In the rain. I am from the school of thought that you dont pay someone to do something you can do. So my husband and I and a strong teenager, moved everything piece of furniture out of the old house and back to the new house in 5 hours... lol. Anyhow on one of the trips back I get stuck behind this pickup truck and I am trying to hurry as, my husband has to be back at work on Friday and I need to get all moved by then. The pick up truck just happens to pull into my driveway to turn around. I was all pissed off at first that I was delayed then I saw the driver. Cute young black man. He rolls his window down to tell me that he was just turning around and I hear his fabulous Jamaican Accent... AHHH YESS! I turn into this animal all of a sudden. Like a german Sheppard puts his ears up and stands at alert. This is how I feel. We exvhange numbers as I pretend to give him directions b/c my husband is about 10 feet behind me, loading the truck...
Anyhow, I must go, I am cleaning up the old house today and I am on a time limit...
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Saturday, March 15, 2008
Yes I always Smile
Went to see D tonight. When he took his clothes off and laid in the bed he grabbed me by the back of the head and kissed me, which not something we all the time. It was like making out you do in high school. It pretty much made me hot.The sex was more like the kind of sex we used to have back in the day. INTENSE! Toward the end of the evening I started to get tired and I was a little overheated, he sets the heat at fucking 85, I was in need of a drink an some cuddling time, but I was not getting it tonight. Instead he tells me to flip over so he can fuck me. He keeps pushing my head down and trying to get me to keep it down, lol, he said to me at one point "It is like you have never fucked before", I admit I was a little off by that time. I was so fucking hot, I start to like obsess on whatever is bothering me until it consumes me, and it did, it did not stop him though. He figured out how to do it with my mind on other things.
It is bad to when the staff at the motel knows your car and waves to you when they see you pull up, or when they give me the look when I return the key with the "just been fucked" hair.
Anyhow I am driving home, making good time, not too much traffic, I am relaxed listening to Nightline on the radio, and like a mile from my exit, I get pulled over. Doing 82 in a 65. Well after the cop asked me 20 questions, look in every part of my car he could from the outside, he went to his car. He came back with a warning (thank god) but still a ticket because my front headlight was out. He was young looking, not bad looking, and I was thrilled not to have a ticket with points.
So he passes me, I am doing 70 now, and he flies out of sight. So he ends up in front of me at the turnpike off ramp and then turns his lights on again. I stick my head out the window and say what did i do now... he asked me if I always smile that much and told me I made his night pleasant. Totally strange, he also asked me where exactly was the town I lived in. I used to be totally intimidate by cops but now not so much, but that was uncomfortable for me, I asked please not to follow me home. He laughed and said he wont.
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It is bad to when the staff at the motel knows your car and waves to you when they see you pull up, or when they give me the look when I return the key with the "just been fucked" hair.
Anyhow I am driving home, making good time, not too much traffic, I am relaxed listening to Nightline on the radio, and like a mile from my exit, I get pulled over. Doing 82 in a 65. Well after the cop asked me 20 questions, look in every part of my car he could from the outside, he went to his car. He came back with a warning (thank god) but still a ticket because my front headlight was out. He was young looking, not bad looking, and I was thrilled not to have a ticket with points.
So he passes me, I am doing 70 now, and he flies out of sight. So he ends up in front of me at the turnpike off ramp and then turns his lights on again. I stick my head out the window and say what did i do now... he asked me if I always smile that much and told me I made his night pleasant. Totally strange, he also asked me where exactly was the town I lived in. I used to be totally intimidate by cops but now not so much, but that was uncomfortable for me, I asked please not to follow me home. He laughed and said he wont.
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Saturday, March 8, 2008
Que Sera Sera
I have been trying to see D all week. Either I had no one to watch the baby or he could not come down here, it seemed like forever since I have seen him and in reality it was 2 or 3 weeks. I had my day planned down to the minute, as I often do. It is not something I like about the way my life is right, now, but I really do not know how to do all I need to do with out planning everything the way I do. So Thursday night, he asked me to come up his way. We pick a time, and I tell him I will confirm with him Friday afternoon. I was out with my husband all day friday, taking care of some things for our move and enjoying a day we got to spend five minuets together not as parents. Anyhow I come home and got a shower and I am out the door. As I am walking out the door, D calls. He is having some trouble with a vehicle to meet me. I cant even pretend I wanted to hear the details, I don't know what was up with his truck but something blah blah blah... told me to wait to come, then don't come, then hold on, then come up because he wants to see me and our opportunity to see each in the next 2 weeks in limited. I was ageravated, as my precise planning, interrupted by his "free flowing" life. I am fuming, but still driving to meet him. At this point I am livid, because his attitude on the phone, and just because in general something is up with him and I dont know what. In the year and half (since he moved) things have just been hectic. Of course there is the problem I was getting fucked 3x a week now I am lucky to get 3x a month. Even that is ok, but he really seem unhappy, and very stressed. I dont want to add to his unhappiness but that moment that night I could not take another second of it. So I call my girl on the phone to tell her where I am going... you know in case I never come back,,, and to talk to her about my situation.
Now I realize that I am a harsh women. I see things very black and white and have very little sympathy for people. It is not that is how I would like to be, it is just how I am. And I my girlfriend is so much kinder then I am, and can show me a different side of a situation. I am glad I called her. She helped me put everything in perspective, and sort out how I am feeling. Sometimes people ask me why do I bother with D, let it go. Simply we have been together (in our own little together way) for so long...since I was 24. It is hard for me to cut him out of my life. Not to mention my daughter was created because of him and is part of him, and she has a half brother and half sister, and why should she not know them and some point in her life. Moral of the story - I worry about him too much - Whatever will be will, I have no control in his life, I choose to love him or leave and I am staying.
I cant even really talk much about the sex. It was good, and everything I needed, but that part that is still resonating in my brain is this cleaning guy at the motel. We meet at the same place each time, and each time there is a guy cleaning rooms, White guy late 20's, trying to look gangsta, not bad looking, kind of buff. Anyhow he is always checking us out as we go to our room and when we come out he is all ways standing next to our door. I like that. I like that this black guy is in the room fucking the white cunt why the white guys stands outside and listens... that is nice.
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Now I realize that I am a harsh women. I see things very black and white and have very little sympathy for people. It is not that is how I would like to be, it is just how I am. And I my girlfriend is so much kinder then I am, and can show me a different side of a situation. I am glad I called her. She helped me put everything in perspective, and sort out how I am feeling. Sometimes people ask me why do I bother with D, let it go. Simply we have been together (in our own little together way) for so long...since I was 24. It is hard for me to cut him out of my life. Not to mention my daughter was created because of him and is part of him, and she has a half brother and half sister, and why should she not know them and some point in her life. Moral of the story - I worry about him too much - Whatever will be will, I have no control in his life, I choose to love him or leave and I am staying.
I cant even really talk much about the sex. It was good, and everything I needed, but that part that is still resonating in my brain is this cleaning guy at the motel. We meet at the same place each time, and each time there is a guy cleaning rooms, White guy late 20's, trying to look gangsta, not bad looking, kind of buff. Anyhow he is always checking us out as we go to our room and when we come out he is all ways standing next to our door. I like that. I like that this black guy is in the room fucking the white cunt why the white guys stands outside and listens... that is nice.
Climb to the top of the charts! Play the word scramble challenge with star power. Play now!
Monday, March 3, 2008
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