Let me first apologize for the pathetic nature of this post. The blog is turning into my only place to vent and work though my feelings. It is not always pretty, but it is always honest.
Two request to fuck me in one night... a dream perhaps, a fantasy nope tonight it is reality and the very very sad truth of that is that I just cant do it tonight. L called me early so I was entertaining the idea, I was trying hard to muster up some energy to get a shower and put on some clothes but I just could not do it.
I have had an overwhelming feeling of just having nothing left lately. Like really I don't have one bit of time or energy to spare. Moving for me is traumatic, and I thank god each and every day that I have been blessed with such a stability in my life, as I don't know how some people function with out long term homes, jobs, and relationships. L said to me I need to vent my frustrations, but I could not even articulate that there are no frustrations, more just sadness. Like if he said meet me, I will hold you while you cry like a sobbing idiot all night I would have had to gone to see him.
I am aware this truly sounds like a memoir of a sad human being, but it is just me. I feel happy most of the time, but just by the end of the day I feel like I cant do it again. Is this normal of being a mother? In all fairness let me add that I had to take a steroid pack for the last 7 days because of an insane headache that would not quit, and those steroids will make you crazy on them and coming off them. And these dumb fuckers buying my house have got me right on the edge of suing them, even if it ends up costing more money in the end.
Then there is work, which has seemed to have suck my soul from me this week. My supervisor is someone for which i have little to no respect for and whom I cant even connect with on a human level. I am seriously entertaining ideas of leaving.
D calls me at 10pm, I did not hear the phone because I was still trying to get his kid to sleep at that time. Asks me what I am doing. ... I really must say my patients there is pretty much limited. I have not seen him the entire month of May - the entire month! And while we have talked, and he has had his life to deal with and me with mine I still feel a little slighted, although neither one of was really ever free, I am still all pissed off and feeling neglected. I let him know that there was really no way I could wait up for him to come down here to drive up there. He was not thrilled. I was not either. My patience is so limited. I should just go ahead check myself in some where until I can speak with out hatred spewing out of my mouth.
And so there is the the sad update. Actually available dick and I can not pull myself together to go and get it. Absolutely Ridiculous!
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Friday, May 30, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
So I have not gotten any dick seems like 2 to 3 weeks most likely since the pussy has had any attention. I think I have just given up. Seriously like well i feel as sexually frustrated as I did last week, which only occurs about 1 week a month, you would think there would be at least one man who would be able to accommodate me. That is what I mean by games. You want me to drive to wherever in the middle of the night to fuck you where??? in your car? No for all that u drive to me and I will fuck u in my car or something. You want to ignore because I pissed you off,,, fine dont speak to me when you fuck me.
It seems to be a reoccurring phenomenon in my life. A high demand and no one to meet the supply. And I will admit that some of it is because I am unwilling to compromise on a few things, like sleep, and time with my family, but qeeze!
Today I was reading my old journal, filled with detailed accounts of the times D has rocked my world. Then on the way home I listened to various voicemail from men with island accents just to make me feel a little bit sexy. I NEED DICK MORE THEN I AM GETTING IT NOW. Drastic measure will soon be enacted... i might need to resort to white dick.
As I am typing D calls me, he wants the pussy but I cant leave the house because baby is upstairs and he is broke!
Story of my life... dick is always just out of reach.
Give to a good cause with every e-mail. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.
It seems to be a reoccurring phenomenon in my life. A high demand and no one to meet the supply. And I will admit that some of it is because I am unwilling to compromise on a few things, like sleep, and time with my family, but qeeze!
Today I was reading my old journal, filled with detailed accounts of the times D has rocked my world. Then on the way home I listened to various voicemail from men with island accents just to make me feel a little bit sexy. I NEED DICK MORE THEN I AM GETTING IT NOW. Drastic measure will soon be enacted... i might need to resort to white dick.
As I am typing D calls me, he wants the pussy but I cant leave the house because baby is upstairs and he is broke!
Story of my life... dick is always just out of reach.
Give to a good cause with every e-mail. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Do You Lick. . .
Went to work today, there were three of us there, all of us in our twenties. We started talking about sex, and how for the last week I have been jumping out of my chair, jittery and in need of a big black cock. And we were all so relieved when my man brought home Friday. My pussy was thankful but today brings about a new set of sexual frusrations.
The youngest Girl at work was talking about how "if someone could just rape me" how good it we be. I started to smile, because I remember being young and afraid to admit that I need someone to hurt me, rape me, use me and just abuse me. I think many many women share that fantasy. (DISCLAIMER - in no way am I say that true rape is good or hot or fun. I think is a serious crime against women that devastates many women, but you cant rape the willing)
The conversation moved naturally along the route of Do you lick ass, have you ever did anal, etc...We laughed all morning but at the end of the day I was in awe about how much of ourselves we throw at these men of ours. How many boundaries we cross and create in order to keep our men feeling like they are the one in only man in our life, they are the best one in our lives. So let us take a minute to not only thank the mother that did all those same things in their lives but for the girlfriends and lovers and wives that still do it for you and ever women in the world who gives most of herself to making others happy.
I have the called 3 magical men in my life to give me a little hlep today, nothing concrete lined up yet. My pussy is wet, like dripping wet and ready. I seriously need some more dependable reliable dick.
Stay in touch when you're away with Windows Live Messenger. IM anytime you're online.
The youngest Girl at work was talking about how "if someone could just rape me" how good it we be. I started to smile, because I remember being young and afraid to admit that I need someone to hurt me, rape me, use me and just abuse me. I think many many women share that fantasy. (DISCLAIMER - in no way am I say that true rape is good or hot or fun. I think is a serious crime against women that devastates many women, but you cant rape the willing)
The conversation moved naturally along the route of Do you lick ass, have you ever did anal, etc...We laughed all morning but at the end of the day I was in awe about how much of ourselves we throw at these men of ours. How many boundaries we cross and create in order to keep our men feeling like they are the one in only man in our life, they are the best one in our lives. So let us take a minute to not only thank the mother that did all those same things in their lives but for the girlfriends and lovers and wives that still do it for you and ever women in the world who gives most of herself to making others happy.
I have the called 3 magical men in my life to give me a little hlep today, nothing concrete lined up yet. My pussy is wet, like dripping wet and ready. I seriously need some more dependable reliable dick.
Stay in touch when you're away with Windows Live Messenger. IM anytime you're online.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
What, your done?
So i have been on a profoundly frustrating sexual "dry spell" for no other reason the logistics. I cant be there at that time he cant be here and this time, and frankly I could have fucked just about anyone this last few days. It was bad. So D had made plans to come down Thursday, not only to fuck my lonely pussy but to help me finish up a few odds and ends at my old house (that with a little bit of luck we will close on Thursday). However that drive down here gets to be expensive, particularly when gas price are so ridiculous. So he did not come. I begged him again to move his ass back down to South jersey, he only response was "but my kids are up here now" which hurt me a little as his child is also down here, and it is not as if I want him in her life all this time, but I do need the acknowledgement that his is here biological father a few times a year. I don't know why, it is just me.
Anyhow moving on to the good stuff, so I forget his "name" on here because I hardly ever get the chance to fuck him, but it was not d and not young boy and not that new Jamaican guy, it was the other one. We had planned all week to meet fridays, and some how through the grace of god it all worked out. I was so fucking starved to sex, I was restraining myself all week, from masturbating, just because I knew if I did it would take the edge off and I wanted the edge. I wanted it rough, I told him I wanted to be raped, which I don't believe he is comfortable doing. (Coincidently D used to say "I cant slap you in the face" "I am sorry I just cant do that to a women", and now it is like a necessary element of me cumming and him too, and on a side note to that I actually think to myself am I corrupting all the men and setting back women's rights each time I beg this men to hit me and use me, letting their own violent tendencies overcome them - it is dangerous territory, but I just need it so bad).
He was rough with me which I did need so much, but I found myself having trouble staying in a submissive moment because I needed the dick so bad I would have raped him If I needed to. There was no way he was leaving with out me cumming. I just keep thinking the sheer joy, like I cant explain how needed it was - it was like air to me. And he and I have fucked a few times over the year or so we have know each other, but for me this was i think that best. It was just good fucking, no teasing, no playing, but good fucking and I could do that each and every day of the week. We were fucking for like 2 hours, and my house has no bed in it, just a couch and it is hard to find a good posittion at times because I cant get my head down low enough to bring my ass up high enough so on and so fourth. So I am on my knees my ass in the air as much as i can go with my head buried in the back of the couch as much as it can, and he is fucking me, and it is fucking hitting all the rights spots, but my pussy tightens up and i does it all the time when or right before I come but for some reason it was hurting him in this position. He was getting frustrated with me I think, he said a few times "just don't move" I tried my best not to move and not to come, at one point I was thinking of the most unattractive men I know to let me stay still and him to come. I tried deep breathing, I tried to talk to myself about other stupid mundane shit to help me do as I was told and let him come. All of a sudden out comes the dick and he says " Where do you want me to put the condom wrapper? WHAT, YOUR DONE, BUT YOU DID NOT COME. I was upset. And I had been more then ok, I came over and over again, but I wanted him to come. It makes me feel like a failure, like I was not good enough to make him come. At the end of the day I felt like I had not served my purpose and the feeling is still lingering today. He made it clear he was fine with it but it bothers me. So on the was home I have to call my girl and give her the low down, she says her man does it too, Men what is up with that?
Windows Live SkyDrive lets you share files with faraway friends. Start sharing.
Anyhow moving on to the good stuff, so I forget his "name" on here because I hardly ever get the chance to fuck him, but it was not d and not young boy and not that new Jamaican guy, it was the other one. We had planned all week to meet fridays, and some how through the grace of god it all worked out. I was so fucking starved to sex, I was restraining myself all week, from masturbating, just because I knew if I did it would take the edge off and I wanted the edge. I wanted it rough, I told him I wanted to be raped, which I don't believe he is comfortable doing. (Coincidently D used to say "I cant slap you in the face" "I am sorry I just cant do that to a women", and now it is like a necessary element of me cumming and him too, and on a side note to that I actually think to myself am I corrupting all the men and setting back women's rights each time I beg this men to hit me and use me, letting their own violent tendencies overcome them - it is dangerous territory, but I just need it so bad).
He was rough with me which I did need so much, but I found myself having trouble staying in a submissive moment because I needed the dick so bad I would have raped him If I needed to. There was no way he was leaving with out me cumming. I just keep thinking the sheer joy, like I cant explain how needed it was - it was like air to me. And he and I have fucked a few times over the year or so we have know each other, but for me this was i think that best. It was just good fucking, no teasing, no playing, but good fucking and I could do that each and every day of the week. We were fucking for like 2 hours, and my house has no bed in it, just a couch and it is hard to find a good posittion at times because I cant get my head down low enough to bring my ass up high enough so on and so fourth. So I am on my knees my ass in the air as much as i can go with my head buried in the back of the couch as much as it can, and he is fucking me, and it is fucking hitting all the rights spots, but my pussy tightens up and i does it all the time when or right before I come but for some reason it was hurting him in this position. He was getting frustrated with me I think, he said a few times "just don't move" I tried my best not to move and not to come, at one point I was thinking of the most unattractive men I know to let me stay still and him to come. I tried deep breathing, I tried to talk to myself about other stupid mundane shit to help me do as I was told and let him come. All of a sudden out comes the dick and he says " Where do you want me to put the condom wrapper? WHAT, YOUR DONE, BUT YOU DID NOT COME. I was upset. And I had been more then ok, I came over and over again, but I wanted him to come. It makes me feel like a failure, like I was not good enough to make him come. At the end of the day I felt like I had not served my purpose and the feeling is still lingering today. He made it clear he was fine with it but it bothers me. So on the was home I have to call my girl and give her the low down, she says her man does it too, Men what is up with that?
Windows Live SkyDrive lets you share files with faraway friends. Start sharing.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Like a Virgin
I feel like a virgin, It has been so long since I have had sex I just dont even know that last time. I hesitate to even think about it. I am feeling despertly in need of some dick tonight. I catch myself driving home from work tonight, shifting my hips back and forth to make the very thick seam in the crotch of my jeans slide across my clitoris giving just enough satisfaction to get me home. I need to free up sometime in my life for me. Perhaps I am just a little too concerned with spending every waking minute with my child. It is very important for me to do what I feel is best for my daughter, but as she gets older I am finding it more and more difficult to have eat oragnic home cooked foods and have sunblock on everyday and keep her room and my house an acceptable level of torn apart. Somestime I feel like no one gets the amount of energy I put into this but when you speak to other mothers you quickly begin to realize that we all go through the same struggles.
Now I dont know how i have gotten to the point that I am able to go like three weeks with no dick in me but I Have. Not sure if that is bad or good. I am truley relieved that I do not feel driven to distraction by the thought of dick these days but yet still I have so needs that ARE NOT GETTING MET. And I can only blame myslef. Dick is available and good, but at the end of the day sometimes i just cant move on more second of the day or I feel so stressed that I can [possiblely submit to someone, or even pretend to care about someone elses need. So it ends up the same way, me in bed alone tossing and turning and rubbing my own pussy until I finally fall asleep.
On the up side I am feeling more at home and my old house is almost sold. That will be lovely to not have to worry about paying two mortages. I just need dick more often. Like the quick I dont have to think about dick, bent over the back of the car for ten minutes on the way home from work... that is all I am asking...
Now I dont know how i have gotten to the point that I am able to go like three weeks with no dick in me but I Have. Not sure if that is bad or good. I am truley relieved that I do not feel driven to distraction by the thought of dick these days but yet still I have so needs that ARE NOT GETTING MET. And I can only blame myslef. Dick is available and good, but at the end of the day sometimes i just cant move on more second of the day or I feel so stressed that I can [possiblely submit to someone, or even pretend to care about someone elses need. So it ends up the same way, me in bed alone tossing and turning and rubbing my own pussy until I finally fall asleep.
On the up side I am feeling more at home and my old house is almost sold. That will be lovely to not have to worry about paying two mortages. I just need dick more often. Like the quick I dont have to think about dick, bent over the back of the car for ten minutes on the way home from work... that is all I am asking...
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