Sunday, June 15, 2008

He came over

I wrote a blog entry the other day about D, about feeling all dejected and sad because he has not been paying much attention to me. I did not post it right away because I did not want to finish it - it was too pathetic, so later on I came to my computer and reread what I wrote something I NEVER do) and I deleted it. I sounded way to "teenage" and dare I say needy.

 

So in my own journey through abandonment D calls me with a barely uplifting offer : "You free tonight, can I come over tonight" I say yes but still feel all undone. He shows up - honestly to my surprise - we did not even say anything to each other, he walked upstairs and I followed. In about 20 seconds he is naked spread eagle waiting for my mouth to take its rightful place on his dick. At this point I fall into my place but my heart is not there. I soon begin to want it more as I feel it growing in my mouth. OKay so I wanted the dick at this point, but I was a little mad at D for letting me go so long, and I did feel disconnected from him.  He even looked different to me... lol looks like his skin got darker and he has been working out.  As he was fucking me I had to concentrate to make sure I did not call him someone else's name.

 

Of course we fucked and it was good, and he fucked my ass. He came and I swear like 20 seconds later he is sound asleep and I just lay down and join him. When I wake up I am in his arms and it was nice. I miss that part of seeing him so much. I need that intimacy so much and have limited opportunity to get it. I woke him at 3am to get him out of my house before my husband came home and he fucked me one more time and left as uneventful and he arrived.



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Sunday, June 8, 2008

This Sucks

As we all know it has been a long time since I have seen D like a month. I am trying not to get angry but tonight I lost it. We make plans Thursday to meet Sunday. Ok so I call him at 11am to confirm and he acts like he forgot, tells me to call him later, I do he is like let me call you back I am still working with my uncle. And he sounds miserable, and I ask him if he is miserable and in this pathetic answer of " What do you think". This has been his mantra for 2 years now since he headed back to north jersey. I understand his life my suck and he may be unhappy - but I do nothing but try to make his life easier.

 

I try not to put too much attention on this as this is D. Ebb and Flo. I would say he is bipolar like me, if he believed in mental illness. I know that it will change back just as it unnoticeably changed to  to this nagging neglectful relationship, but in the mean time i feel all sad and twisted up.

 

And I should not dwell too much as last week he was ready to drive down 2x but I was unavailable. Just needed to vent. And now I just left him 2 yes not 1 but 2 ridiculous voicemails... ugh



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Saturday, June 7, 2008

Friday Night Pics












I






had plans to see L last night. It seems like we both put a whole lot of effort into making that happen. It is hard to make schedules meet up, but it happened, and with some kind of cosmic stroke of luck, my girl was able to join us. So I went and got a room, and I waiting for the 2 of them to join me. L got there first. He got a shower and I sucked his dick a little, waiting for K (K is what the girl will be know as). I was very nervous, or more excited, maybe slightly embarrassed that my girlfriend would see me getting FUCKED.

A little background - She and I were "together" for awhile, but it did not end well, and while we have remained very good friends, the sexual aspect has been on hold for like 4 years. Last night was the first time in like 4 years we have done something like that. I have to say it made me a little nervous to even open that part of our relationship up again, because it seriously ended badly and I remember the intensity of the relationship being much more then I cared to handle at times. Last night was nice though, I though it would feel weird but it did not.

Anyhow she took some good pics and it was a very good time. I would have liked to see her get fucked but that was not her thing, next time I hope to have her strap on and fuck me, perhaps we can get some double penetration with her in my pussy and him in my ass. What was even better then the fucking I think was the very look on his face as his dick was in my pussy, and she got behind him and was "helping" thrust his big cock in my pussy. It was hot.

I have to say that I am a hardcore believer in condoms, but I just want to rip that condom off his dick. Perhaps this is a problem. I would never do that, but I guess it makes me feel more like "his" whore and just a whore. I used to fuck this guy who would pretend and act like he was fucking me bare, becaue he knew I liked it and pretend he was coming in me, while i was tied up and blindfolded, I would be feeling like I was raped because of course he had to use condoms... Sex is so much a headgame - for me anyway it is about 40% the dick you have and 60% the way you make me feel while you are fucking me. How do you treat me, fuck me, slap me, what kind of fucked up shit do you whisper in my ear while you use my pussy. That is what I need. I need to be used, I need to be a "good girl" taking whatever humiliation, torture, or pleasure you hand out.

The danger in that is, it is so easy to fall into the deep emotional shit. Like start to like the person more then you should, start to care about what they think about etc... start to live your life to make them happy. I am starting to move off track now.


















Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Cumshot


How thrilled do I look? LOL

I was late for work.

I was on my way to work and as I was twisting my hips to move my jeans over my clit to give my self some kind of relief before I work into work I thought let me call Young Boy real quick since he lives right down the street. He was home and available and I drove right over. I walked right in his room and stripped, got on my knees and sucked his dick. Then told him it was time to fuck me. He wanted the ass, and I was like oh no. I dont have time for that, and I cant do that while I am ass up and head down, but he persisted and persisted and used a lot of ky and it just slid in eventully. I started to like it.

I let him fuck it for awhile then I needed it back in my pussy, he made me cum one more time and then had me on my knees waiting for the come.

You just dont understand

Where do I begin. I just finished yelling out my husband. I feel slightly bad about that, because I was not angry with him as much as I was just needing to vent. I really feel like I need to visit with my doctor to try and alleviate some symptoms that I have, but then I begin to feel like - there is nothing fucking wrong with me - it is everyone else. I guess it is denial or self preservation.

 

I said to my husband today that the only part of my day I enjoyed was standing in my kitchen listening to music. That was the only part of my day I enjoyed, and I really meant that. I woke up at 10:30 showered and dressed and made a few phone calls, and that was a blessing my daughter did not wake up until 11:30, after she got up I made lunch cleaned up, dressed her, took her to my moms and went to work. I just feel so overwhelmed and I cant say that enough. I told him this new house is "sucking my soul from me". I meant that to, there is just so much to do in this house. Just need to get stuff put away, I still cant even walk through my garage. It is frustrating to me.

 

So onward to men. I feel like some of the men I deal with understand my limitations in life. Or at least at this time in my life, but others need so much fucking ego stroking I cant take it. Let me talk about young boy a second. I like him alot. He is local, he has a nice dick, he knows how to fuck, he is funny as hell and makes me laugh every time I see him, and takes lots of pics which I love, BUT he is constantly asking me about other women. Do I know any? Can I find another girl for us to fuck? I am so fucking tired of it. If I were going to go out of my way to find a girl for a 3 some then I would have scored those points already with D. Seriously, my head is spinning with irritation and angst this evening.




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