I went to see L tonight, I have not seen him or even spoke to him really since our falling out. I dont know why he even wanted to see me, or me him. Things have just been bad. My girl says to me "in all these many years we be talking about this shit, never heard you act like this", and what she means I guess is allow someone to get inside of my head, to make me doubt myself, question myself. Yeah sure people fuck with my head while we are fucking, I am your whore, yes I am a dirty slut...etc... but not often do I believe people and make myself second guess who I am.
It is what it is - is always what I say to people. I don't do the lingerie or fetish wear, I will RARELY even wear anything other then a pair of jeans and a t shirt. I don't pretend I am something I am not, it is just what you see. I go with that, and I think some part of me believed that people like that... but I am starting to think I am wrong. I appreciate someone who is painfully honest with me when I need it and is just themselves and talks from the heart to me. I don't want to be told what you think i want to hear - just want people to speak from their heart and be real.
Why I do want this I at times have trouble speaking from my heart, like when it comes to people who I care about, it is hard for me to tell them that, or show them that. I don't hug my family or even tell them I love them, but I do. I love them more then they will ever realize and that I could not be as happy as I am in my life with out them, and that I am grateful for every tragedy we went through together, but I cant tell them. I show them, by just being there for them. I don't acknowledge mothers or fathers day, or birthdays half the time, but the love it there. It is so there.
I dont know how this all ties in with L, maybe he just made me doubt myself enough to think perhaps there is a better way. Despite popular opinion, I am a work in progress, and I do work hard at bettering myself, each and every day of my life. I try to keep my mind open, be a better listener, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better mother, a better wife. I work on myself.
He hurt my feelings. I can forgive people, I am good at that, i know. THere are not too many things a person can do to me to make me hate them or discount their friendship. When I have true friends that I value I keep in touch. Even people I have met over the last 12 years of my life, although I may no longer have consistent relationship with them, they are in my heart. And when I see their name on my computer, I think about them, what they meant to me, what they taught me and what they added to my life. Sitting here right now I can think of 3 people who I cared about and who our relationship has ended badly. I still miss them, they hate me, but I still appreciate them for who they are and what they added to my life.
At the end of the day, I am proud of myself for coming as far as I have, and if no one else will pat me on the back for that then I will do it myself. I have had a lot of crazy issues surrounding sex and love, and I have been working very hard at keeping my life together in that area... Good Job!
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