Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I went to see D last night. I enjoy my drive up there, I was telling my friend, it makes me feel like an adult, like have all the freedom, despite the fact I really dont, but it is thrilling for one night. And the solitude in the car is soul replenishing - I can think and not be intterupted.
 
I was really hyper on the way up there, like I had not had sex in six months. It was crazy. I was even still needing more dick after our three hours was up... my pussy was sore... but i needed some more. My mind kept drifting why he was fucking me. I pretended I was a prostitute for a minute but that did not do much. I pretend he was raping me... which pretty much was hot and help me get a few more orgasams.
 
We talked a lot about him last night. I feel like since he has moved up North that he is not the same person. I said to him he is lke a lost soul just wandering through the world.  he was never like that. Although it has been like over 2 years he has been up north - maybe this is him, maybe I did nto see it before, or maybe I just caught him at a good part of his life. I dont know. It makes me a little sad though. I just wish his life would be more settled, but i tend to want whats best for me not others.
 
I have to go to work early today... or I could spend an hour on here talking about D and Me and sex ....


 




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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Life has been somewhat dull these last few weeks. I think I last blogged about L and I getting into a heated argument, or something, I honestly understand why he was mad, but still feel like it was a bit over the top. We have since talked about things and I feel like we are trying get on the same page. I feel like at times he is way to impulsive and other times not impulsive enough, but it is what it is.  Since the arguement I have been kinda of ass out on the three some, as my girl was pretty much very comfortable with him, but dont know how that will work out. She is forgiving but does not really do second chances.  It is like you tell your family about a friend doing you wrong and they will never forgive them, even long after you have.
 
I saw D the other night. Now we all know I have been with D for like 5 years... something like that. The other night was the 2nd time I got on top. This on top thing has haunted me all my life. I have never ever enjoyed it. When I was 15 I was fucking my boyfriend and he told me I was horrible at riding him, and that was the end of it for me. I even hated before he told me that, it was way too much like being in control. But when he said that, I was crushed and we went back to him handcuffing me... I totally preferred that to anything else. Even the 1st D made me get on top, I could have cried I was so humiliated, but this time was way different. I was working it, then I would catch a glimpse of myself and come to and feel all conflicted, but only for a second, and it was back on. I felt like there maybe some hope for me, perhaps I will be able to do that again and feel good about it.
 
I was at work the other day flipping through the DSM ( A book with diagnostic codes for psychiatric illness), I forget the exact wording but I was disturbed to see my sexual preferences listed in there. Needs pain, humiliation, torture to climax. Interesting.
 
I have my period these last few days, and it is so funny, I dont even keep my phone in the house with me. It does not matter because I am not going out anyway, It gives me some clarity about how much of my time is spent thinking about fucking.


 




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Friday, July 11, 2008

It has been a long week, spent with family, doing lots of day trips and dinners, trying to fit in as much fun as we can before they leave town. Today at the end of this week, I am exhausted. I was in a bad mood for various reasons. Before I knew it I was on the phone calling D for some sedative. I realize that this is pathetic, but it is where my mind goes. For one brief second I catch a glimpse of myself running for distraction whenever anything gets hard for me. Its either dick or food. Thank you to everyone who likes to point out my negative coping skills and fatal flaws, but I know them. Of course I know them. Do you not know where you need to improve yourself? Give me some credit and leave the psycho analytical stuff to my professional physiatrist.
 
I am thinking about the insult thrown at me earlier in the week. Whore. It is so very insulting after I have given it some thought. Men, since the beginning of time have used women to get off. Sure some men don't all the time, and I am sure there are a few exceptions to the rule, but spare me with the holier then thou attitude that I am a whore. On some level I am not even sure why I am irritated by this word, because I like to be called a whore when I am being fucked, but something just not sitting right with me when that is what I am being called to insult me.  I got to let that go.
 
Anyhow I hung the phone up quickly not even letting a full ring go, and resigned myself to self healing not distraction. Only a half truth, I knew D was not available tonight, either way I get credit for not running through my phone to find someone available. I played a game of chinese checkers with my husband (he beat me by one move- again) and then I worked on the spare bedroom, pulling up carpet, padding and staples. It was soothing me, that kind of work, but here I am back on here pouring my heart and my head out so i can get some sleep.


 




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Sunday, July 6, 2008

It is what it is

I went to see L tonight, I have not seen him or even spoke to him really since our falling out. I dont know why he even wanted to see me, or me him. Things have just been bad. My girl says to me "in all these many years we be talking about this shit, never heard you act like this", and what she means I guess is allow someone to get inside of my head, to make me doubt myself, question myself. Yeah sure people fuck with my head while we are fucking, I am your whore, yes I am a dirty slut...etc... but not often do I believe people and make myself second guess who I am.
 
It is what it is - is always what I say to people. I don't do the lingerie or fetish wear, I will RARELY even wear anything other then a pair of jeans and a t shirt. I don't pretend I am something I am not, it is just what you see. I go with that, and I think some part of me believed that people like that... but I am starting to think I am wrong. I appreciate someone who is painfully honest with me when I need it and is just themselves and talks from the heart to me. I don't want to be told what you think i want to hear - just want people to speak from their heart and be real.
 
Why I do want this I at times have trouble speaking from my heart, like when it comes to people who I care about, it is hard for me to tell them that, or show them that. I don't hug my family or even tell them I love them, but I do. I love them more then they will ever realize and that I could not be as happy as I am in my life with out them, and that I am grateful for every tragedy we went through together, but I cant tell them. I show them, by just being there for them. I don't acknowledge mothers or fathers day, or birthdays half the time, but the love it there. It is so there.
 
I dont know how this all ties in with L,  maybe he just made me doubt myself enough to think perhaps there is a better way. Despite popular opinion, I am a work in progress, and I do work hard at bettering myself, each and every day of my life. I try to keep my mind open, be a better listener, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better mother, a better wife. I work on myself.
 
He hurt my feelings. I can forgive people, I am good at that, i know. THere are not too many things a person can do to me to make me hate them or discount their friendship. When I have true friends that I value I keep in touch. Even people I have met over the last 12 years of my life, although I may no longer have consistent relationship with them, they are in my heart. And when I see their name on my computer, I think about them, what they meant to me, what they taught me and what they added to my life. Sitting here right now I can think of 3 people who I cared about and who our relationship has ended badly. I still miss them, they hate me, but I still appreciate them for who they are and what they added to my life.
 
At the end of the day, I am proud of myself for coming as far as I have, and if no one else will pat me on the back for that then I will do it myself. I have had a lot of crazy issues surrounding sex and love, and I have been working very hard at keeping my life together in that area... Good Job!


 




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Thursday, July 3, 2008

L and I had a falling out, maybe a fight, not real sure what to call it. I said it was like a train wreck, to be honest I don't really know why we are not talking anymore, but were not. I was trying to be all non emotional like it did not bother me, but I am starting to really miss him. It makes me sad, and I can not even do anything about it. I try to remember that they operate is much different then most people, but it still is hard for me to not to be like "I did not do anything" and assume everyone else is acting crazy. I dont know how to fix that because it is just how I am. I also hate that people ever leave my life. I do not deal with people at all if I do not like them. And I dont like when people leave my life, I really like the people I surround myself with. The whole thing just makes my heart heavy.

 

And that is about it. Been in a strange sort of mood lately, not all that concerned with adult activities, but I have this intense desire to be pregnant. LIke my body is craving it, it is hard to explain, but I know many women will know what I am talking about. Our bodies are created to procreation and when needed your body will crave things, like steak if you need iron in your diet. It is similar, hard to explain, but it is the need to procreate. I just go on auto pilot, loosing some weight, starting my vitamins, eating healthier, finishing up odds and ends. I worry about getting pregnant, like if it will happen again, as I do have some fertitily issues, and my daughter was conceived to due to a medication that side effect was increased ovulation. I worry because 30 is fast approaching.

 

I am trying to relax tonight and try to refocus my energy on myself a little bit. It feels a little like a break up... that is a little disturbing.



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