I was unsure if I wanted to see him. I was feeling indifferent, a little tired, a little horny, I think I would have been happy doing either one. However my first thought is always him. I knew he wanted to see me the other day, but I had my period, so I know I needed to get there to take care of things. I left my home wearing charchol gray yoga pants, a hot pink tank top and a navy blue zip up Old Navy Hoodie and some sneaks. Drove around waiting for his call to confirm our date tonight. I got my car washed, drove around blissfully content and the phone rang and the time was set. I moved with a contentment and peace as I drove the turnpike this night. Sometimes those moments of peace in my life are so few and far between I like to really think about and recognize them. Enjoy them! I called my friend when I got moving and spent the next 80 miles chatting with an good friend and laughing. She asked me "Has he ever stood you up"? "No - Never I said with arrogance.

On a side note I feel like sometimes D gets a bad rap, my firends think he treats me like nothing and is inconsiderate and takes advantage of me. I dont like that, because I love this man. He does no more of those things then I do, and while I realize no one is able to wrap their head around our relationship and how we made it work, I still am offended that people cant see all the good I see. I realize all they know about him really is he cheated on his wife with me, and he is not a father to my daughter (even if that is a choice we both made). Dont know why I feel like I need to stand up for him so hard, but insult him - insult me.

I got there and I called him @ 830 to let him know I had arrived and get his location and ETA. No answer. Not a problem I thought, radio might be up high did not hear the phone ring, or on another call. I just chilled in the car a few minutes waiting for his call back, which did not come. I called him again 8:45 and 9p. Now I was angry and a little worried. And it was like Let the mind games begin. I began to go through every ridiculous scenario I could think of. Here are a few: he fell asleep, he is talking to a friend at a bar and lost track of time, car trouble, fight with wife, sick kid, pulled over, arrested, left the country, does not want to see me anymore and called me up here to stand me up and piss me off, random act of violence, fucking someone else and forgot about me. Now in all seriousness this is seriously what I sat in my car and told myself that the worst was happening. After 8 years that is still where my mind goes to worst case bizarre scenario. And he has been late and not called before. For good reason too. Even I tell myself there is no way he would have me drive up and here and stand my up , I was becoming consumed with anger and pain. I call his phone over and over again, leave voicemail, send a text. And I set a time I am getting back on the turnpike. 9:37p. If Idont here from by then I am out of here and I am already planning the end of our entire relationship in my head.

He asked me to do him a favor. Go pick him up a beer because store will be closed by the time he gets there. Now I dont do liqueur stores. I have been in one 3 times , and I dont like them. I got some issues with alcohol thanks to an alcoholic dad and extended family. And he wants me to get one botttle (you know a 40). That is just straight embarrassing! I did it. It was the least I can do - I know he was stressed.

9:42 (on my way to the turnpike) my phone rings. I answer so pissy. And he begins to tell me how he was pulled over and so on and so fourth. And he is on his way will be there in 20. Ahhhh my heart got back into regular rhythm and I melt into my content bliss again.

Side note - He and I got pulled over 2x. Both time cops were very invasive. Like nothing i have ever experienced. It did turn me on for the record but the cops were total dicks. Is it that different when a black man gets pulled over then a white.

I remember me and this white guy were pulled over on this dead end road and a cop saw us and pulled us over, No ticket, no warning, they asked me if I was ok and that is it, it took 5 minutes. D and I were in a parking lot talking and we had cops on both sides talking to both of us, wanting both our id, wanting to know where we were, and where we are going. They were all in the car with flashlights for like 15 mins easy. We left, rolled down the street to the wawa parking lot and who pulled in behind us... the same cops ....telling us to leave. DAMMM

I got the room and headed upstairs to 203. While I peaked out the door watching his swagger as he glides across the parking lot. He walked in the room and smiled. I wanted to talk like he promised we would. In hindsight I should have just shut my mouth and let the man cum then talk. He striped me down and just started fucking me. I was into it, but our flow was off, like someone stole the music to our dance and we could find the beat. I could not cum and it was hurting a lot, and a little too much friction. But he came after awhile -on me :(

I tried to talk and he said he could not talk about those things right now because he is so stressed. I suck his dick as per his request half hearted. Laying on the side of him my head resting on his belly, teasing his dick for awhile. Then I begin to feel bad and I get up and get between his legs and I own that dick. I was making love to it, rubbing on my tits and face, sucking it, licking it deep throating it - just loving it. I know he needed that.

I was super frustrated and thought to myself why did i even come. He had the fucking heat on 81 I was dying, he would not do it my way and I needed a little more lubrication this night then I could seem to get. He must have spit on my pussy a dozen times trying to get to wet enough - in hindsight it was probably the heat blowing directly on the bed, at 81 for 3 hours!!!!!

He fucked my ass awhile and then I got on top of him (something I am loving more and more each time). I like to lean back with my legs under me and him too... he likes me to stoop down on the dick. My way first then I did it his way. I fucked him with total abandon like it was the last time and I heard his breathing begin to change - like it does right before he cums- and i kick it up a notch. He starts to come, and I settle down on that dick, because I want that cum. He picks me up and moves me off my dick! We both start to laugh and fall into each other on the bed. I lay with him, rubbing his thighs and balls, snuggling into him. We fuck some more and we go. Still never really finding our beat.

Sometimes when we leave I wish it could be more meaningful, a hug a kiss perhaps. but we do it very clean. Walk out the room and bounce! Like we dont know each other. i secretly love the thought of people seeing up walking out of that room. Knowing they heard the screams of passion and the used look I have on my face. I love when someone catches us.

Okay feeling better, needed to let some of that out.

Alright, so we all know by now I want another baby. I have been crying about for 4 years now and finally I feel like it is very close. All systems go, more details to follow. Now to other business. I need money to bankroll this relationship with D. Motels get expensive. So I am trying to get some video and pictures for a website that might get me a few bucks to help. But when you are fucking like animals in a purely instinctual and primal way, it becomes difficult to get a good photo. Any volunteers to be the film crew?

Last night would have been a good night. I watched myself getting fucked on the full length mirror at the end of the bed. My skin is so creamy white and his so dark. At one point he made me look in the mirror to watch my ass "bouncing" on his dick while he hit it from the back. The sex was good my pussy was raw and cum covered when I left at 3am.

I needed to handle some business this morning, so I had to get up early at 9 after getting to bed at 4:30, No time for a shower as i was in a time crunch. I did kinda like the thought of being a filthy and covered with come smelling like the man you fucked me last night. Something about that made me feel very sexy and slutty.

I want to be used like a whore so much lately. Like a daily craving for the sexual abuse. Hope I can some some pics/ videos to share at somepoint.

I got some new toys in the mail today. A new magic wand... my old one needed to be retired, and inflatable butt plug and some vibrating bullets. I love vibration! Good time tonight.

So this is where I come when my mind gets cloudy to help me clear it a bit. Been a strange kind of time in my life. Feeling a bit like a caged animal these last few days. I'm hyper and I feel right in my chest, like I cant take a deep breath, my heart is kind of racy and my mind focused on dick. I want to fuck just for the mental clarity. I dont have to talk or think and god knows I cant when I am getting some dick, so I crave it. Tonight I want it but is all sincerity my pussy is so sore from the last few nights I really cant do it. Or if I did the other person would be getting slighted for sure. Tonight I just want the head of it in and out of my pussy no thrusting, and i want my tits sucked on for a LONG time. No one seems to want to do it like I want it. Anyway I know I am a bit manic. No meds for me for about 6 months, but I am cool I am going to ride this one out and keep myself together.

Saw D the other night. For some background I do not ride the dick. I hate it. When I was 16 I was doing that with my bf who told me I sucked at it, and sadly enough that stuck and i will not do it. Till Now. Somewhere out of the dark came some confidence and I climbed up on it and rode the dick. I loved the look he had on his face like OMG check this bitch out. It was hot. And I was feeling like a freak, my pussy was squirting and I was begging to piss on me. LOL that is funny in the light of the day but at that moment I wanted nothing more then that.

I am so beat from the all night fucking I am starting to doze as I type. I am going to take care of myself tonight and take myself to bed early. Thanks for listening... Be back soon

I have been seeing D, from time to time. The last 2 times they both ended in my crying. I so dont want to be that girl - the one who crys and needs a man to comfort them. That is not me, and if it was i would not find it with D. He has consoled before, but not often and last time while I was pregnant. I was big and horrible feeling and I remember him hugging me and telling me everything was fine and making me laugh. I think that was the last time I cried in front of him. Until a few weeks ago. My husband and I are tyring to have a baby. We are now seeing a fertility doctor for some help. And I have had test after test after test in the last few weeks. It really has taken a toll on me emotionally. Been crying so much, feeling like it is almost a lost cause. He said something about it and I lost it, and I sucked it up and tried not to cry but it just came. Then a week or so later I go to see him. Still very emotional. We do what we do and then for some reason I get all brave and emotional. We are fucking, relaxed though, as we been fucking for a few hours already and he lifts my leg up and picks his head up so he can see the TV - the jets were playing or something.Afterwards I was like it feels like we are married, "we dont talk anymore" I said. I am even laughing as I say it. Why Why Why would I open the can up. That leads into an almost 2 hour discussion of his childhood, relationship with his parents, I ask questions about my daughter and he wont talk to me about that. I kills me. I just want to talk about her, I want to know what he thinks. And he told me he has already told me what he thinks. And he did, but 4 years ago. He said nothing changed. Which is sad to me. I feel like he just holds it all in. And I cry like and idiot.

This is what I wanted to say at the moment we were in the parking lot in the freezing cold, I was crying he was poker faced. In my head it went like this: D I love you. I get so sad sometimes wishing I had more of your time to myself, wishing you were not married, wishing we had met each other years before. I love you more then you will ever know, I idolize you at time, I am infatuated with you, I revel in your every word your every touch. I am a slave to you, my heart aches to see - i love you.

This is what I said: "sobbing" then "Ugh, I- ok its whatever" "Im fine" cry some more " And I lashed out about how he did not call me for months and I did not see him or no where he was,

and he brought me back to reality and calmed me down with the facts of the situation. I stood there tears rolling down my face freezing cold, looking at this stone faced man, wanting so much more. I said " Ok I will see you next week"

And that was a wrap. God help the people in my life when I start trying to get pregnant and taking hormone therapy. God Help Them!

I think what I like the most about D is his ability to ground me. I have a tendancy to let my mouth get way ahead of my brain. He helps me to think before I speak. He said to me " you are where you are now because of me". I smiled. He is right. He has helped me tremedously in my life, and it is not just about sex. It is about the hours we spent talking, him not telling me what i want to hear and being real with me about shit.

I love you D, for all that you have helped me to see about myself!

Next time my goal - fuck get pics and go home no crying to long talks. !

I went to see him again. I was feeling sick, getting a head cold, had planned on going home and going to bed but when he called I could not say no. He has asked me to call him earlier in the week to set up a day but I did not feel like it so I just never called. When I talked to him on friday we were joking around about a lot of things. I got off the phone and started crying. I miss him so much sometimes, and there is no easy answer. My heart feels so torn sometimes. To love two people is difficult to say the least, but sometimes in life you just want and need all the people you love to be around you and not to have to hide how you feel. So Friday I arrived about 9pm, he arrived promptly after me. I was excited to see him and things began. It was different then the last time, but not in a bad way. I seemed to be the aggressor, not a role I am typically comfortable with. I helped him get undressed and made love to his dick for like 30 minutes and then he had enough and fucked me and then we laid there and fell asleep I woke him up with my mouth on his dick and I got on top and fucked him. To understand why that is a big deal you need to know - I have NEVER gotten on top of any man with out continuous prompting, or them putting me there. I was really needing it bad, so when he came I got off of him and starting sucking his dick again til he started to fuck me again. I could have continued that shit ALL Night! Even today (despite a severe head cold) I am so tempted to do it again. I think I will have to take the camera the next time. I need to see some photos of this.

I feel like I have come into a peaceful state in my life. I feel very content my husband and I are actively working on having a baby and that has given a great sense of peace. I feel like we have a good connection again, and I am very happy. I wish all of my life had this peaceful easy feeling.

So after I saw D a few weeks ago, I began to feel very anxious about things I had needed to say to him I had not been said and we had scheduled a meeting. :) I did not stress about the meeting and did not even have a feeling to discuss things. I was truly just enjoying my alone time in the car talking to my friend and when I got there I was feeling like a dirty whore who needed to be fucked as such. I got there before him and I was waiting for him in the room, doing the usually prep of turning on the heat and the TV to find something to amuse us while we down time. I was looking out the peep hole when I heard him pull up. And when I saw him step out of the car I was so intensely turned on. He had some kind of rag/hat thing on his head and t-shirt and work pants and boots. He looked rough in a Marlboro Man way. When he comes in all I can do is smile and he begins to undress. When he takes off his shirt my eyes always go toward his belt buckle. I love the way his belt sits right above his dick which is always pushing those work pants out in the front. We got right to the dick sucking. And I wanted that dick in my mouth on my face, on my tits, I spit on it and rubbed in all over my face. I love when I make him quiver with his dick in my mouth. I always talk about "our dance" meaning the way we fuck it moves like a dance in my mind. But our dance took a faster tempo and gritty beat to it. Hearts began beating faster, and bodies were moving more rhythmically with no abandon. I told him I was a dirty slut and to fuck me like that. I would have loved for him to piss on me that night, but the sad frank truth is there was not enough time for all that. Only had this room for 3 hours and we had a lot of fucking to do, no time to showers and what not at the end. I cant stress enough how for the entire time we were there is was ridiculous fucking and how i wished it could have been video taped. So animalistic, raw, organic the way sex should always be. I love seeing his black hands, calloused and worn, on my porcelain white tits or better for them to be in his mouth.

At the end as we got dressed and had a few minutes to connect as people and not lovers, I became overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry. I told him how I was so devastated when I did not know where he was, that it hurt me, and begged him to never do that to me again. I wanted to tell him I love him, but I feel like that is something that is known, that has been talked beforehand sometimes for a whole list of reasons is better left quiet in my heart. As I stand in front of him looking down at his eyes while he sits on the bed in front of me I swallow my sadness, wipe the tears from my face, and silently profess my love. We put our shoes on, step out into the night, get into our cars and go our separate ways.

Guess Who is Back

So D called me. Friday Morning, but I missed his call. Saturday Morning I got it and when he said hello I could not speak. I was pissed and in awe, and he was like " what are you doing tonight"? He asked me who I have been fucking and then there was silence... and I laughed a little and said we will talk about it later. After a few more questions and what not the plan was set. I was rehearsed what to say to him all day. I wanted him to know I was mad and I was hurt and more then anything I missed him and was so worried about him, but when I saw him a lot of that went away. At the end of the of the day when he was next to my body nothing mattered. We did talk about things and sometimes I need to learn to accept what he says to me. I have never caught him lying to me and even things I thought he lied to me about when I did a background check on him it turns out he did not. So let me stop feeding into all the bullshit others tell me and just go with what I know I feel.

So the now the good stuff. He comes in, asks why I am wearing glasses, put his things down and strips down naked and gets on the bed and says he has missed my blow jobs. I resist just a little feeling like he is almost a stranger to me. but give in and we fall into out dance. The same ebb and flow we have done a hundred times before. I feel like my body does not know how to react to this anymore. I was so starved for this mans touch. I got on top, which I generally hate, but he likes. I like the faces he makes as i grind on his dick. That look on his face make me go faster and harder. I love it for that reason.

Overall I feel complete now, like i can breath again.

Late Night

I need to be fucked. I need it, like I need food and water and air. My schedule does not allow me to always get it. I wont die without but I dont feel good without it. So I got up at midnight and let him in my front door. Sleepy eyed, wearing a nightshirt,no panties, and holding a condom in my hand I walk to the couch and lay down and clearly project the message of fuck me now and let me get back to sleep. In the darkness, he made me cum with his fingers, then I told him to put the condom on. This was not even about pleasure. It was about getting through the week with out feeling like you were going to loose control. He was bigger then I remember and I was pleasantly surprised, but after like 10 mins I asked him to cum, and "let me go back to sleep". And I just as swiftly ushered him out the door and went right back to sleep. AHHHHH perfection. I woke relaxed and refreshed. If only I can swing that every night.

I have been so emotional lately. Crying at songs on the radio, crying at pictures of my daughter, crying at anything. ...craziness.

You have no power over me.

I spoke to this guy who I used to "see". Now when I say see I mean, we would meet late night in his truck so I could learn to suck his dick, so he could have me do things that were demeaning and humiliating, and we had sex maybe 1 time, but maybe not at all (hard to remember that part) and he could fist me. All and all it was a good relationship. I got what I needed. He on the other hand always seem to want me to do more, and kept pushing my boundaries. While I see the pros and cons to that, I feel like he pushed me too far until I lost interest. I felt like nothing I could do could satisfy him. To put this in perspective this was like almost 10 years ago when I first started getting into some crazy shit. He was there for one of my first gang bang. He says I was the biggest slut he knows. And he taught me everything I know about sucking dick - which is a good thing because I needed lessons and it has benefited me in many relationships.

Okay but back to the point I was talking to him the other night. (or rather chatting) and he said something to remind me that he was my "master" and I was reminded of the movie Labyrinth ( one of favorites) when at the end the girl says " You have no power over me" and then her nightmare begins to crumble. And I said that to him, jokingly, but that is how I feel not only about him about but about my own demons.

They have no power over me. My mind and body control my choices at one point. My spirit was a slave to this intense addiction to sex and pain and need to feel used. For so many years my relationships were based on how much sex I could get, and how intense did it feel, and how did that person make me feel. It felt so good to not let it have power over me, and that I make the choices I make now from my desire not my addiction or the feeling that I can not breath with out the intensity and abusive submission.

Just feels nice not to be at someone else's mercy and still be able to have pleasure sex!

Update - D has not called, starting to let it go. And I am sure when I am fixed up and let it go he will come back through reeking havoc through m life like so many times before.

Checking my stats, seems like a lot people reading - let me hear your thoughts... Please.

Just Breathe

Got my period. Ugh, we will have to do it again next month. My day started at 6:30am waking up in my bloody sheets... LoL looked like a freaking murder scene. That usually does not happen, you usually know when your period is coming but sometimes you just get surprised.

I worked all day, had to eat fast food for dinner (gross), where my clients from work were and had to talk to me in the 20 minutes I had to eat and get to soccer.

Got to soccer and who do I see, the delivery man. This would be a guy I met about 6 years ago while he was delivering my living room furniture. He was putting something together and showing me how to work the door on the entertainment center and we like both grabbed each other and started making out., which led to us fucking on the living room floor. He had to come back to deliver something else and we did it again, then the next time he came I was like 5 days before I gave birth, and that was not happening. I see him here and there and he called me like 2x in the last couple years. So awkward too see him at soccer. My heart stopped a little like... whoa and made me think twice about how I looked. If he is not fucking it I want him to at least to still want it, and not be like "why did i fuck her" or " wow did she let herself go".

So That is that. Almost half way through the week and hoping to have some fun this weekend. Breath In Breath Out I can do this.

Not been a great weekend. My daughter is very sick, and I am becoming very emotional. I am so tired and worried about her. I still have no positive test and no period. I feel like at this point this is some kind of cruel cosmic joke. Why would my body do this to me, play tricks with my mind, I want so badly to be pregnant right now, to have my baby already, I can barely stand the waiting - Just to have my body fuck my head it sucks.

I have been in my house for 2 1/2 days and I am craving some adult interaction and some excitement. My friend called me last nite ( I forgot what I call him on here - he has not made the blog in sometime) but I was so deeply asleep when he called I dont even know what I said, and I had not even remembered talking to him til I saw my phone this morning and saw I received that call. So it has been TOOOOOOO long since i have had sex. I am a little frustrated with that. In fact let me just go out on a limb and say I feel like the new man I had so much faith in may not be interested - but we will see. I just might be a little more intense this month and I want it now.

So as I write this I feeling a little hormonal - watch I get my period tomorrow and it will be no dick for me for another week.

D is making me sad about this today (Everyone tired of hearing about D yet?) Again what an asshole. I am so hurt for me for my daughter, that I will have to tell her I fell in love with a douche bag who cared so little for his family he started another one with me and could not even man up and be there for either one. Do we think one day he will have some emotion or give a shit.. i mean fuck he is already 40 - i thought people had some perspective by 40

Waiting for the positive.

Been a lonely week for me. I have not been able to see Bobby again, although I can not wait until I can. I am bummed I have been so ready to fuck all week and really did not get to make the most of that feeling. My husband and I are trying to have a baby, and I am patiently waiting to see if I am pregnant or not. Period is 1 day late, but based on how hormonal I feel - I would say it will be here before the week is out. Which sucks even more because it will be another week out before I can get some.

I think that is all my life has been, wishing I had a dick to fuck, and waiting for a positive pregnancy test.

I have not heard from D, someone asked me that today. I might have to let the ship sail, at least for the time being. I dont like feeling rejected and that seems to be how he makes feel a lot lately. Sometimes you need to let things be for a bit. Let it breath. That is how I feel this week, I will have to see if that feeling continues.

Trying to Keep it Together

I am really trying to hold it together. I feel like I could explode I want some dick so bad. My nipples are rock hard all day. All I can think about is getting some bbc. Deep Breath. Going to have to get some relief tomorrow. For real I feel like I could take a trip tonight some where... but where is the problem. This was exactly what I try to avoid, me feeling like this and dickless. So frustrating. 

Thought of the day

I am still wanting more dick, I had a lot over the weekend, but I pretty much want more. It is like the more you have it the more you want it.
 Feel someone slightly better in the D matter. Trying to remember what is important to me and it is my family, not whether or not D is calling me or not. Ugh alright so my affirmation of the day is:
 I am not sad that he chooses not to be part of my life, and I am happy for the blessing that came from our relationship.
 I am reminded that everything in life comes full circle and I will use this to remind myself to be kind to others.
Now let me just keep telling myself that until I believe it :)
I thought it was funny today at work everyone was telling me how I was "glowing". That shit is so funny. I guess I just need more dick to get my glow back. The last year in the dick dept has been dismal. I mean horrible!
I get to see all the stats of who is following my blog, and when they visit and where they are from. I think it is so weird some guy in south Africa  is looking at pix me getting fucked.  I like it, but I want more comments, I dont post most comments, but I like to hear peoples response.

This Sux!

My heart is in my throat right now. Been a little sad all day about D. Still trying to wrap my head around just cutting someone off like that. Been trying to pull my head together and understand what happened, but I am so lost. I am so laid back and low maintenance, and things were so easy together, even if you did not want to see me anymore - what we cant be friends you cant call me to say hello. I am going to say it again, I dont understand and I am so sad. I feel so pathetic right now, I do love him. Like not in love, like lets get married, never that, but more I like talking to him, he centers me, reminds of me of what I need to do in life. I enjoyed his giving me advice, scolding me, and calling the obvious to my attention, and always made my body feel good. It is like loosing a good friend, and never knowing why or even having a conversation. Sometimes I feel like driving up to N. Jersey til I find him and make him talk to me. LOL I did that in high-school to someone who wanted to break up but did not have the balls to tell me. I know I am rambling here ut I daunt know what to do. I cant talk to him, and I dont think anyone else cares. People are so quick to be like get over it, so much easier said then done. When I really love someone it is hard to just be like - whatever. My friend in high school we were BFFs for like 10 years ended up having sex with my boyfriend and having his baby. I forgave her, we were friends again, then she act like a d-bag at my wedding, I still forgave her. Eventually we no longer had anything to talk about and that was the end of that, but even if I saw her today, i got nothing but love for her.

Men do you see why women go crazy - do you guys realize the shit you do? Fuck with someones head. I know women do it to, but I dont and I dont like it done to me.

I dont handle change well and I am super impatient. Oddly enough D taught me how to be patient. When we first met I would have been feeling this way if I had not heard from in a week., LoL now it is months. Any big change is enough have be out of control and ready to fight. My husband and I have had a fight - like all out throw couches and punches fight everytime we have moved , 5x now.

Can someone give me some words of wisdom? I am getting all caught up in this shit, I hate emotions. I like it better when I never used to cry.

Dont worrry, Be happy

Maybe I found the missing piece to the puzzle. I had scheduled a night out last week. And by 3pm Friday I was ready just to go home and forget everyone else, but I tried to push myself out of that comfort zone, because it has been too long since I had some good dick.

I ended up seeing a movie by myself, Eat, Pray, Love ( unfortunately the movie blew compared to the book) then meeting the new man after. I know what to call him on here. He reminded me of Bobby McFerrin with his Don't worry be happy attitude, so I will just call him bobby.

I was nervous about meeting him, as I don't love to meet knew people. If I had my way I would just keep recycling the people I know, but as people move on and move away and people get stupid I need to invite some new people into my world. I was so ready to back out at any time. Even in the movie theater debating on whether or not to cancel. I am even like this with people I know and love to see, I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted with life I don't often have the mental energy for any other stimulation. I think people don't understand this of working mothers. Or any mother for instance, or any good mother. I know it is a problem, I am working on it - but this is also why prefer a dominate man, because left up to me, we would take a nap or never meet at all.

But dominance is not stalking and not calling 3x a day. It is a quiet, confidence, that there is no question of can I manipulate this man, the knowledge of this man is not afraid. It does not hurt when they fuck you like a bull either.

We talked for awhile, good conversation, easy and not awkward. I was unsure of where things were going at that point. I was not instantly wanting the dick, and I felt like, I kinda like this guy maybe we will be friends. Just as I was writing off this relationship ( and please know Idon't mean like relationship like gf/bf - but all friends are in a relationship) he leaned over and kissed me.

Ok so I got to tell you it has been so long since I have been kissed. D and I would kiss here and there when things were hot, but for the most part kissing does not really happen. So honestly I did not know how it felt, but I was pretty sure I liked it, but was unsure of the dick size. Now my girl has always told me - you have got to, got to get a feel before you commit to getting a room. I was feeling much to shy to get a feel, so I took a deep breath and just did it.

Alright so fast forward , in the room, I am in the bed, he gets out of he shower with a towel around his waist comes over and starts kissing me and the towel come off and I get to feel the dick. If you could imagine for one minute the second I get to touch it and hearing "hallelujah" in my head and relaxing into it.

I needed that so bad. I was in my zone, and I feel like I could pass out at any moment (in a good way) and he would call my name and ask me if I was ok, but it is like my eyes rolling back in my head and I cant hear anything, or see anything. It is the best feeling in the world.

At one point he had me held down in some kind of way, which felt good, control was gone. And he did take a few pics. I hope there will be many more to come, but I cant get them to download from my email... maybe later.

This one is too Big.

Alright so sadly enough nothing good to report. I did make a small attempt, 1 uninterested text message to try to make something work yesterday, but I was too exhausted for that anyway. We have had some family outings this week, and after a day with your kid and husband in the seering heat I was not real interested in anything at all, but alone time.

I have lost the I need it now feeling. I am feeling pretty blah today, just so ready for summer to be over, my life to get some normalcy and for me to find someone to make me feel like my body has been used every now and then.

On an up side I went to buy some clothes today, and while I knew I was a smaller size, I was even a smaller size than I had thought. Woo Hoo! That did make me feel really good. Even know the sales girl did not believe me and kept bringing me the larger size.

I am hoping to have some good post over the weekend. Looking Forward to Something.

Where's my Inhaler... I need it Now!

So I am still taking applications for my newest distraction. I have been looking on obc, it is easy to search and free. I can quickly look at pix and pick who does something for me. I got to say I am so amazed at some of the pix people put on here. Like if you are standing on the corner, in front of a boarded up building, with a girl on your hip and trash all around your feet... My first thought is where the fuck are you that this was your best place for a photo did you not see the trash all in the background? How about the guy who looks like he is living in a basement and thats fine ok... but why is your basement look like that show hoarders. Like if I were to come hang out would you clean a spot off the bed for me? I mean you can have a dick down to your knees baby and if your place is all fucked up I am not into it. Having said that, I am the girl who I swear has done everywhere, but damm clean up your house before you take a pic...and dont pose so hard. These men are so in love with themselves it cracks me up.

I was feeling so damm horny today. It just hit me like OMG I NEED IT NOW. I hate that feeling. Like an asthmatic needing their inhaler - that is what it feels like. Even when I do fuck when I feel like that, I cant even think I am just like "put it in now" and I have to say sadly not too many people can quench my thirst. Even D, on his best day could not satisfy me when I feel like this. He would leave after hours of fucking, and as he got dressed I was in the bed with my Magic Wand. I do mean hours - we would fuck non stop for hours.

So I was alone with myself and this feeling, I did make some calls. Nothing worked out, it was either had to wait til midnight or only had 20 mins, or no place to go. UGH you see what I am saying. I need a live in man who can do the household stuff like take out the trash and fuck me, Fair deal for sure. Before I had my daughter I was seriously campaigning with my husband to let me have my live in big black island man with dreads, I did not win that fight though. I think he thought is was cute that I even tried.

So in my travels I got my car washed, bought some new underwear, talked on the phone in the silence of my car ( that was blissful) and rounded back home feeling much better and more patient. But I got big plans for this weekend.

I think that this is my frustration whenever I feel like this no one can accommodate, and that is where I need to change. I tend to just forget people when I am not in the mood. Then they get pissy with me when I want them now, and when they needed me I was like "nah". Dominate men help with that, because your reason for doing is more then sex, it is about the submission, and if I cant get out of the house for sex, I can do it sometimes for the pleasure about submission to my dom and pleasure of giving them what they need. Or them knowing sometimes more then I do what I need.

So some of that is me not fighting for my time. I tend to live and breath only for my daughter. And I know it is good to put your children first, but I feel like I dont even come second or third or anywhere.

Shit I should have went back out, 12:20 I cant sleep and feel like I could run some laps around the house. Family trip tomorrow, looking forward to it. Still missing D - he never called. Trying to re-evaluate what I think about this - dont know yet.

Let's Catch UP

Maybe I will start blogging again. It is a fabulous outlet for me. And I do have about 10 people reading - lol . It is more for me anyway.

Let's catch up real quick, the major events of the last year.

1. D and I really dont speak at all and have not seen each other since November. I have not spoke to him since April and no call on Mother's day which does piss me off. We will see if he remembers his daughters b-day. I am very sad about it, as I do still love him, but I know this is how he is. But I do still really love him, and I miss him more then anything. I am very sad about this and still trying to deal. Dont know how someone is able to distance themselves like that - but as i typed it I realized I do the same thing. People are always mad at me because i have not been in touch but sometimes I just dont want to be bothered. Hard to remember that when my girls are telling me that " He does not care" "Get over him" etc... i know how he is and how our relationship is. And once we decided to have that baby together ( who is turning 4 tomorrow), for me there was no more "get over him". He is always a there in my mind.

2. So in the realization that D will no longer be meeting my intimacy needs I am begun taking applications. ( that is a joke - please do not send me a real app.)Looking for the right man to fill that part of my life. I know that I will feel much better with some regular dick again.

3. My husband and I are doing well and discussing having a baby together. We will see were that takes us.

4. Let see work is all good. Still have "young boy" on call and he has been keeping me from going postal with some dick 1x a month or so.

Otherwise I have been working on loosing weight and getting myself back to what I want to look like. I am getting there, but only like 1/4 of the way there. With my husband and D for the last like 7 years I just got too comfortable, I guess.

My new project is to make time for me to be me again - i swear i dont even know what I like anymore or who I am - i just feel like a mommy and my only identity is my daughters . Lots of mothers feel this way - just dont know how to fix it.

Will try to start posting more. It is therapeutic for me and maybe entertaining for you.

Anyone still out there reading this... i was thinking about starting up again. Leave me a note if you are still checking my blog.