Monday, August 30, 2010

Where's my Inhaler... I need it Now!

So I am still taking applications for my newest distraction. I have been looking on obc, it is easy to search and free. I can quickly look at pix and pick who does something for me. I got to say I am so amazed at some of the pix people put on here. Like if you are standing on the corner, in front of a boarded up building, with a girl on your hip and trash all around your feet... My first thought is where the fuck are you that this was your best place for a photo did you not see the trash all in the background? How about the guy who looks like he is living in a basement and thats fine ok... but why is your basement look like that show hoarders. Like if I were to come hang out would you clean a spot off the bed for me? I mean you can have a dick down to your knees baby and if your place is all fucked up I am not into it. Having said that, I am the girl who I swear has done everywhere, but damm clean up your house before you take a pic...and dont pose so hard. These men are so in love with themselves it cracks me up.


I was feeling so damm horny today. It just hit me like OMG I NEED IT NOW. I hate that feeling. Like an asthmatic needing their inhaler - that is what it feels like. Even when I do fuck when I feel like that, I cant even think I am just like "put it in now" and I have to say sadly not too many people can quench my thirst. Even D, on his best day could not satisfy me when I feel like this. He would leave after hours of fucking, and as he got dressed I was in the bed with my Magic Wand. I do mean hours - we would fuck non stop for hours.

So I was alone with myself and this feeling, I did make some calls. Nothing worked out, it was either had to wait til midnight or only had 20 mins, or no place to go. UGH you see what I am saying. I need a live in man who can do the household stuff like take out the trash and fuck me, Fair deal for sure. Before I had my daughter I was seriously campaigning with my husband to let me have my live in big black island man with dreads, I did not win that fight though. I think he thought is was cute that I even tried.

So in my travels I got my car washed, bought some new underwear, talked on the phone in the silence of my car ( that was blissful) and rounded back home feeling much better and more patient. But I got big plans for this weekend.

I think that this is my frustration whenever I feel like this no one can accommodate, and that is where I need to change. I tend to just forget people when I am not in the mood. Then they get pissy with me when I want them now, and when they needed me I was like "nah". Dominate men help with that, because your reason for doing is more then sex, it is about the submission, and if I cant get out of the house for sex, I can do it sometimes for the pleasure about submission to my dom and pleasure of giving them what they need. Or them knowing sometimes more then I do what I need.

So some of that is me not fighting for my time. I tend to live and breath only for my daughter. And I know it is good to put your children first, but I feel like I dont even come second or third or anywhere.

Shit I should have went back out, 12:20 I cant sleep and feel like I could run some laps around the house. Family trip tomorrow, looking forward to it. Still missing D - he never called. Trying to re-evaluate what I think about this - dont know yet.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Let's Catch UP

Maybe I will start blogging again. It is a fabulous outlet for me. And I do have about 10 people reading - lol . It is more for me anyway.

Let's catch up real quick, the major events of the last year.

1. D and I really dont speak at all and have not seen each other since November. I have not spoke to him since April and no call on Mother's day which does piss me off. We will see if he remembers his daughters b-day. I am very sad about it, as I do still love him, but I know this is how he is. But I do still really love him, and I miss him more then anything. I am very sad about this and still trying to deal. Dont know how someone is able to distance themselves like that - but as i typed it I realized I do the same thing. People are always mad at me because i have not been in touch but sometimes I just dont want to be bothered. Hard to remember that when my girls are telling me that " He does not care" "Get over him" etc... i know how he is and how our relationship is. And once we decided to have that baby together ( who is turning 4 tomorrow), for me there was no more "get over him". He is always a there in my mind.

2. So in the realization that D will no longer be meeting my intimacy needs I am begun taking applications. ( that is a joke - please do not send me a real app.)Looking for the right man to fill that part of my life. I know that I will feel much better with some regular dick again.

3. My husband and I are doing well and discussing having a baby together. We will see were that takes us.

4. Let see work is all good. Still have "young boy" on call and he has been keeping me from going postal with some dick 1x a month or so.

Otherwise I have been working on loosing weight and getting myself back to what I want to look like. I am getting there, but only like 1/4 of the way there. With my husband and D for the last like 7 years I just got too comfortable, I guess.

My new project is to make time for me to be me again - i swear i dont even know what I like anymore or who I am - i just feel like a mommy and my only identity is my daughters . Lots of mothers feel this way - just dont know how to fix it.

Will try to start posting more. It is therapeutic for me and maybe entertaining for you.