Thursday, September 23, 2010

You have no power over me.

I spoke to this guy who I used to "see". Now when I say see I mean, we would meet late night in his truck so I could learn to suck his dick, so he could have me do things that were demeaning and humiliating, and we had sex maybe 1 time, but maybe not at all (hard to remember that part) and he could fist me. All and all it was a good relationship. I got what I needed. He on the other hand always seem to want me to do more, and kept pushing my boundaries. While I see the pros and cons to that, I feel like he pushed me too far until I lost interest. I felt like nothing I could do could satisfy him. To put this in perspective this was like almost 10 years ago when I first started getting into some crazy shit. He was there for one of my first gang bang. He says I was the biggest slut he knows. And he taught me everything I know about sucking dick - which is a good thing because I needed lessons and it has benefited me in many relationships.
Okay but back to the point I was talking to him the other night. (or rather chatting) and he said something to remind me that he was my "master" and I was reminded of the movie Labyrinth ( one of favorites) when at the end the girl says " You have no power over me" and then her nightmare begins to crumble. And I said that to him, jokingly, but that is how I feel not only about him about but about my own demons.
They have no power over me. My mind and body control my choices at one point. My spirit was a slave to this intense addiction to sex and pain and need to feel used. For so many years my relationships were based on how much sex I could get, and how intense did it feel, and how did that person make me feel. It felt so good to not let it have power over me, and that I make the choices I make now from my desire not my addiction or the feeling that I can not breath with out the intensity and abusive submission.
Just feels nice not to be at someone else's mercy and still be able to have pleasure sex!

Update - D has not called, starting to let it go. And I am sure when I am fixed up and let it go he will come back through reeking havoc through m life like so many times before.

Checking my stats, seems like a lot people reading - let me hear your thoughts... Please.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Just Breathe

Got my period. Ugh, we will have to do it again next month. My day started at 6:30am waking up in my bloody sheets... LoL looked like a freaking murder scene. That usually does not happen, you usually know when your period is coming but sometimes you just get surprised.

I worked all day, had to eat fast food for dinner (gross), where my clients from work were and had to talk to me in the 20 minutes I had to eat and get to soccer.

Got to soccer and who do I see, the delivery man. This would be a guy I met about 6 years ago while he was delivering my living room furniture. He was putting something together and showing me how to work the door on the entertainment center and we like both grabbed each other and started making out., which led to us fucking on the living room floor. He had to come back to deliver something else and we did it again, then the next time he came I was like 5 days before I gave birth, and that was not happening. I see him here and there and he called me like 2x in the last couple years. So awkward too see him at soccer. My heart stopped a little like... whoa and made me think twice about how I looked. If he is not fucking it I want him to at least to still want it, and not be like "why did i fuck her" or " wow did she let herself go".

So That is that. Almost half way through the week and hoping to have some fun this weekend. Breath In Breath Out I can do this.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Not been a great weekend. My daughter is very sick, and I am becoming very emotional. I am so tired and worried about her. I still have no positive test and no period. I feel like at this point this is some kind of cruel cosmic joke. Why would my body do this to me, play tricks with my mind, I want so badly to be pregnant right now, to have my baby already, I can barely stand the waiting - Just to have my body fuck my head it sucks.

I have been in my house for 2 1/2 days and I am craving some adult interaction and some excitement. My friend called me last nite ( I forgot what I call him on here - he has not made the blog in sometime) but I was so deeply asleep when he called I dont even know what I said, and I had not even remembered talking to him til I saw my phone this morning and saw I received that call. So it has been TOOOOOOO long since i have had sex. I am a little frustrated with that. In fact let me just go out on a limb and say I feel like the new man I had so much faith in may not be interested - but we will see. I just might be a little more intense this month and I want it now.

So as I write this I feeling a little hormonal - watch I get my period tomorrow and it will be no dick for me for another week.

D is making me sad about this today (Everyone tired of hearing about D yet?) Again what an asshole. I am so hurt for me for my daughter, that I will have to tell her I fell in love with a douche bag who cared so little for his family he started another one with me and could not even man up and be there for either one. Do we think one day he will have some emotion or give a shit.. i mean fuck he is already 40 - i thought people had some perspective by 40

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Waiting for the positive.

Been a lonely week for me. I have not been able to see Bobby again, although I can not wait until I can. I am bummed I have been so ready to fuck all week and really did not get to make the most of that feeling. My husband and I are trying to have a baby, and I am patiently waiting to see if I am pregnant or not. Period is 1 day late, but based on how hormonal I feel - I would say it will be here before the week is out. Which sucks even more because it will be another week out before I can get some.

I think that is all my life has been, wishing I had a dick to fuck, and waiting for a positive pregnancy test.

I have not heard from D, someone asked me that today. I might have to let the ship sail, at least for the time being. I dont like feeling rejected and that seems to be how he makes feel a lot lately. Sometimes you need to let things be for a bit. Let it breath. That is how I feel this week, I will have to see if that feeling continues.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Trying to Keep it Together

I am really trying to hold it together. I feel like I could explode I want some dick so bad. My nipples are rock hard all day. All I can think about is getting some bbc. Deep Breath. Going to have to get some relief tomorrow. For real I feel like I could take a trip tonight some where... but where is the problem. This was exactly what I try to avoid, me feeling like this and dickless. So frustrating. 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Thought of the day

I am still wanting more dick, I had a lot over the weekend, but I pretty much want more. It is like the more you have it the more you want it.
 Feel someone slightly better in the D matter. Trying to remember what is important to me and it is my family, not whether or not D is calling me or not. Ugh alright so my affirmation of the day is:
 I am not sad that he chooses not to be part of my life, and I am happy for the blessing that came from our relationship.
 I am reminded that everything in life comes full circle and I will use this to remind myself to be kind to others.

Now let me just keep telling myself that until I believe it :)
I thought it was funny today at work everyone was telling me how I was "glowing". That shit is so funny. I guess I just need more dick to get my glow back. The last year in the dick dept has been dismal. I mean horrible!
I get to see all the stats of who is following my blog, and when they visit and where they are from. I think it is so weird some guy in south Africa  is looking at pix me getting fucked.  I like it, but I want more comments, I dont post most comments, but I like to hear peoples response.

Monday, September 6, 2010

This Sux!

My heart is in my throat right now. Been a little sad all day about D. Still trying to wrap my head around just cutting someone off like that. Been trying to pull my head together and understand what happened, but I am so lost. I am so laid back and low maintenance, and things were so easy together, even if you did not want to see me anymore - what we cant be friends you cant call me to say hello. I am going to say it again, I dont understand and I am so sad. I feel so pathetic right now, I do love him. Like not in love, like lets get married, never that, but more I like talking to him, he centers me, reminds of me of what I need to do in life. I enjoyed his giving me advice, scolding me, and calling the obvious to my attention, and always made my body feel good. It is like loosing a good friend, and never knowing why or even having a conversation. Sometimes I feel like driving up to N. Jersey til I find him and make him talk to me. LOL I did that in high-school to someone who wanted to break up but did not have the balls to tell me. I know I am rambling here ut I daunt know what to do. I cant talk to him, and I dont think anyone else cares. People are so quick to be like get over it, so much easier said then done. When I really love someone it is hard to just be like - whatever. My friend in high school we were BFFs for like 10 years ended up having sex with my boyfriend and having his baby. I forgave her, we were friends again, then she act like a d-bag at my wedding, I still forgave her. Eventually we no longer had anything to talk about and that was the end of that, but even if I saw her today, i got nothing but love for her.

Men do you see why women go crazy - do you guys realize the shit you do? Fuck with someones head. I know women do it to, but I dont and I dont like it done to me.

I dont handle change well and I am super impatient. Oddly enough D taught me how to be patient. When we first met I would have been feeling this way if I had not heard from in a week., LoL now it is months. Any big change is enough have be out of control and ready to fight. My husband and I have had a fight - like all out throw couches and punches fight everytime we have moved , 5x now.

Can someone give me some words of wisdom? I am getting all caught up in this shit, I hate emotions. I like it better when I never used to cry.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Dont worrry, Be happy



Maybe I found the missing piece to the puzzle. I had scheduled a night out last week. And by 3pm Friday I was ready just to go home and forget everyone else, but I tried to push myself out of that comfort zone, because it has been too long since I had some good dick.

I ended up seeing a movie by myself, Eat, Pray, Love ( unfortunately the movie blew compared to the book) then meeting the new man after. I know what to call him on here. He reminded me of Bobby McFerrin with his Don't worry be happy attitude, so I will just call him bobby.
I was nervous about meeting him, as I don't love to meet knew people. If I had my way I would just keep recycling the people I know, but as people move on and move away and people get stupid I need to invite some new people into my world. I was so ready to back out at any time. Even in the movie theater debating on whether or not to cancel. I am even like this with people I know and love to see, I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted with life I don't often have the mental energy for any other stimulation. I think people don't understand this of working mothers. Or any mother for instance, or any good mother. I know it is a problem, I am working on it - but this is also why prefer a dominate man, because left up to me, we would take a nap or never meet at all.

But dominance is not stalking and not calling 3x a day. It is a quiet, confidence, that there is no question of can I manipulate this man, the knowledge of this man is not afraid. It does not hurt when they fuck you like a bull either.

We talked for awhile, good conversation, easy and not awkward. I was unsure of where things were going at that point. I was not instantly wanting the dick, and I felt like, I kinda like this guy maybe we will be friends. Just as I was writing off this relationship ( and please know Idon't mean like relationship like gf/bf - but all friends are in a relationship) he leaned over and kissed me.

Ok so I got to tell you it has been so long since I have been kissed. D and I would kiss here and there when things were hot, but for the most part kissing does not really happen. So honestly I did not know how it felt, but I was pretty sure I liked it, but was unsure of the dick size. Now my girl has always told me - you have got to, got to get a feel before you commit to getting a room. I was feeling much to shy to get a feel, so I took a deep breath and just did it.

Alright so fast forward , in the room, I am in the bed, he gets out of he shower with a towel around his waist comes over and starts kissing me and the towel come off and I get to feel the dick. If you could imagine for one minute the second I get to touch it and hearing "hallelujah" in my head and relaxing into it.

I needed that so bad. I was in my zone, and I feel like I could pass out at any moment (in a good way) and he would call my name and ask me if I was ok, but it is like my eyes rolling back in my head and I cant hear anything, or see anything. It is the best feeling in the world.

At one point he had me held down in some kind of way, which felt good, control was gone. And he did take a few pics. I hope there will be many more to come, but I cant get them to download from my email... maybe later.










Wednesday, September 1, 2010

This one is too Big.

Alright so sadly enough nothing good to report. I did make a small attempt, 1 uninterested text message to try to make something work yesterday, but I was too exhausted for that anyway. We have had some family outings this week, and after a day with your kid and husband in the seering heat I was not real interested in anything at all, but alone time.

I have lost the I need it now feeling. I am feeling pretty blah today, just so ready for summer to be over, my life to get some normalcy and for me to find someone to make me feel like my body has been used every now and then.

On an up side I went to buy some clothes today, and while I knew I was a smaller size, I was even a smaller size than I had thought. Woo Hoo! That did make me feel really good. Even know the sales girl did not believe me and kept bringing me the larger size.

I am hoping to have some good post over the weekend. Looking Forward to Something.