I went to see him again. I was feeling sick, getting a head cold, had planned on going home and going to bed but when he called I could not say no. He has asked me to call him earlier in the week to set up a day but I did not feel like it so I just never called. When I talked to him on friday we were joking around about a lot of things. I got off the phone and started crying. I miss him so much sometimes, and there is no easy answer. My heart feels so torn sometimes. To love two people is difficult to say the least, but sometimes in life you just want and need all the people you love to be around you and not to have to hide how you feel. So Friday I arrived about 9pm, he arrived promptly after me. I was excited to see him and things began. It was different then the last time, but not in a bad way. I seemed to be the aggressor, not a role I am typically comfortable with. I helped him get undressed and made love to his dick for like 30 minutes and then he had enough and fucked me and then we laid there and fell asleep I woke him up with my mouth on his dick and I got on top and fucked him. To understand why that is a big deal you need to know - I have NEVER gotten on top of any man with out continuous prompting, or them putting me there. I was really needing it bad, so when he came I got off of him and starting sucking his dick again til he started to fuck me again. I could have continued that shit ALL Night! Even today (despite a severe head cold) I am so tempted to do it again. I think I will have to take the camera the next time. I need to see some photos of this.

I feel like I have come into a peaceful state in my life. I feel very content my husband and I are actively working on having a baby and that has given a great sense of peace. I feel like we have a good connection again, and I am very happy. I wish all of my life had this peaceful easy feeling.

So after I saw D a few weeks ago, I began to feel very anxious about things I had needed to say to him I had not been said and we had scheduled a meeting. :) I did not stress about the meeting and did not even have a feeling to discuss things. I was truly just enjoying my alone time in the car talking to my friend and when I got there I was feeling like a dirty whore who needed to be fucked as such. I got there before him and I was waiting for him in the room, doing the usually prep of turning on the heat and the TV to find something to amuse us while we down time. I was looking out the peep hole when I heard him pull up. And when I saw him step out of the car I was so intensely turned on. He had some kind of rag/hat thing on his head and t-shirt and work pants and boots. He looked rough in a Marlboro Man way. When he comes in all I can do is smile and he begins to undress. When he takes off his shirt my eyes always go toward his belt buckle. I love the way his belt sits right above his dick which is always pushing those work pants out in the front. We got right to the dick sucking. And I wanted that dick in my mouth on my face, on my tits, I spit on it and rubbed in all over my face. I love when I make him quiver with his dick in my mouth. I always talk about "our dance" meaning the way we fuck it moves like a dance in my mind. But our dance took a faster tempo and gritty beat to it. Hearts began beating faster, and bodies were moving more rhythmically with no abandon. I told him I was a dirty slut and to fuck me like that. I would have loved for him to piss on me that night, but the sad frank truth is there was not enough time for all that. Only had this room for 3 hours and we had a lot of fucking to do, no time to showers and what not at the end. I cant stress enough how for the entire time we were there is was ridiculous fucking and how i wished it could have been video taped. So animalistic, raw, organic the way sex should always be. I love seeing his black hands, calloused and worn, on my porcelain white tits or better for them to be in his mouth.

At the end as we got dressed and had a few minutes to connect as people and not lovers, I became overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry. I told him how I was so devastated when I did not know where he was, that it hurt me, and begged him to never do that to me again. I wanted to tell him I love him, but I feel like that is something that is known, that has been talked beforehand sometimes for a whole list of reasons is better left quiet in my heart. As I stand in front of him looking down at his eyes while he sits on the bed in front of me I swallow my sadness, wipe the tears from my face, and silently profess my love. We put our shoes on, step out into the night, get into our cars and go our separate ways.