I was unsure if I wanted to see him. I was feeling indifferent, a little tired, a little horny, I think I would have been happy doing either one. However my first thought is always him. I knew he wanted to see me the other day, but I had my period, so I know I needed to get there to take care of things. I left my home wearing charchol gray yoga pants, a hot pink tank top and a navy blue zip up Old Navy Hoodie and some sneaks. Drove around waiting for his call to confirm our date tonight. I got my car washed, drove around blissfully content and the phone rang and the time was set. I moved with a contentment and peace as I drove the turnpike this night. Sometimes those moments of peace in my life are so few and far between I like to really think about and recognize them. Enjoy them! I called my friend when I got moving and spent the next 80 miles chatting with an good friend and laughing. She asked me "Has he ever stood you up"? "No - Never I said with arrogance.

On a side note I feel like sometimes D gets a bad rap, my firends think he treats me like nothing and is inconsiderate and takes advantage of me. I dont like that, because I love this man. He does no more of those things then I do, and while I realize no one is able to wrap their head around our relationship and how we made it work, I still am offended that people cant see all the good I see. I realize all they know about him really is he cheated on his wife with me, and he is not a father to my daughter (even if that is a choice we both made). Dont know why I feel like I need to stand up for him so hard, but insult him - insult me.

I got there and I called him @ 830 to let him know I had arrived and get his location and ETA. No answer. Not a problem I thought, radio might be up high did not hear the phone ring, or on another call. I just chilled in the car a few minutes waiting for his call back, which did not come. I called him again 8:45 and 9p. Now I was angry and a little worried. And it was like Let the mind games begin. I began to go through every ridiculous scenario I could think of. Here are a few: he fell asleep, he is talking to a friend at a bar and lost track of time, car trouble, fight with wife, sick kid, pulled over, arrested, left the country, does not want to see me anymore and called me up here to stand me up and piss me off, random act of violence, fucking someone else and forgot about me. Now in all seriousness this is seriously what I sat in my car and told myself that the worst was happening. After 8 years that is still where my mind goes to worst case bizarre scenario. And he has been late and not called before. For good reason too. Even I tell myself there is no way he would have me drive up and here and stand my up , I was becoming consumed with anger and pain. I call his phone over and over again, leave voicemail, send a text. And I set a time I am getting back on the turnpike. 9:37p. If Idont here from by then I am out of here and I am already planning the end of our entire relationship in my head.

He asked me to do him a favor. Go pick him up a beer because store will be closed by the time he gets there. Now I dont do liqueur stores. I have been in one 3 times , and I dont like them. I got some issues with alcohol thanks to an alcoholic dad and extended family. And he wants me to get one botttle (you know a 40). That is just straight embarrassing! I did it. It was the least I can do - I know he was stressed.

9:42 (on my way to the turnpike) my phone rings. I answer so pissy. And he begins to tell me how he was pulled over and so on and so fourth. And he is on his way will be there in 20. Ahhhh my heart got back into regular rhythm and I melt into my content bliss again.

Side note - He and I got pulled over 2x. Both time cops were very invasive. Like nothing i have ever experienced. It did turn me on for the record but the cops were total dicks. Is it that different when a black man gets pulled over then a white.

I remember me and this white guy were pulled over on this dead end road and a cop saw us and pulled us over, No ticket, no warning, they asked me if I was ok and that is it, it took 5 minutes. D and I were in a parking lot talking and we had cops on both sides talking to both of us, wanting both our id, wanting to know where we were, and where we are going. They were all in the car with flashlights for like 15 mins easy. We left, rolled down the street to the wawa parking lot and who pulled in behind us... the same cops ....telling us to leave. DAMMM

I got the room and headed upstairs to 203. While I peaked out the door watching his swagger as he glides across the parking lot. He walked in the room and smiled. I wanted to talk like he promised we would. In hindsight I should have just shut my mouth and let the man cum then talk. He striped me down and just started fucking me. I was into it, but our flow was off, like someone stole the music to our dance and we could find the beat. I could not cum and it was hurting a lot, and a little too much friction. But he came after awhile -on me :(

I tried to talk and he said he could not talk about those things right now because he is so stressed. I suck his dick as per his request half hearted. Laying on the side of him my head resting on his belly, teasing his dick for awhile. Then I begin to feel bad and I get up and get between his legs and I own that dick. I was making love to it, rubbing on my tits and face, sucking it, licking it deep throating it - just loving it. I know he needed that.

I was super frustrated and thought to myself why did i even come. He had the fucking heat on 81 I was dying, he would not do it my way and I needed a little more lubrication this night then I could seem to get. He must have spit on my pussy a dozen times trying to get to wet enough - in hindsight it was probably the heat blowing directly on the bed, at 81 for 3 hours!!!!!

He fucked my ass awhile and then I got on top of him (something I am loving more and more each time). I like to lean back with my legs under me and him too... he likes me to stoop down on the dick. My way first then I did it his way. I fucked him with total abandon like it was the last time and I heard his breathing begin to change - like it does right before he cums- and i kick it up a notch. He starts to come, and I settle down on that dick, because I want that cum. He picks me up and moves me off my dick! We both start to laugh and fall into each other on the bed. I lay with him, rubbing his thighs and balls, snuggling into him. We fuck some more and we go. Still never really finding our beat.

Sometimes when we leave I wish it could be more meaningful, a hug a kiss perhaps. but we do it very clean. Walk out the room and bounce! Like we dont know each other. i secretly love the thought of people seeing up walking out of that room. Knowing they heard the screams of passion and the used look I have on my face. I love when someone catches us.

Okay feeling better, needed to let some of that out.

Alright, so we all know by now I want another baby. I have been crying about for 4 years now and finally I feel like it is very close. All systems go, more details to follow. Now to other business. I need money to bankroll this relationship with D. Motels get expensive. So I am trying to get some video and pictures for a website that might get me a few bucks to help. But when you are fucking like animals in a purely instinctual and primal way, it becomes difficult to get a good photo. Any volunteers to be the film crew?

Last night would have been a good night. I watched myself getting fucked on the full length mirror at the end of the bed. My skin is so creamy white and his so dark. At one point he made me look in the mirror to watch my ass "bouncing" on his dick while he hit it from the back. The sex was good my pussy was raw and cum covered when I left at 3am.

I needed to handle some business this morning, so I had to get up early at 9 after getting to bed at 4:30, No time for a shower as i was in a time crunch. I did kinda like the thought of being a filthy and covered with come smelling like the man you fucked me last night. Something about that made me feel very sexy and slutty.

I want to be used like a whore so much lately. Like a daily craving for the sexual abuse. Hope I can some some pics/ videos to share at somepoint.

I got some new toys in the mail today. A new magic wand... my old one needed to be retired, and inflatable butt plug and some vibrating bullets. I love vibration! Good time tonight.

So this is where I come when my mind gets cloudy to help me clear it a bit. Been a strange kind of time in my life. Feeling a bit like a caged animal these last few days. I'm hyper and I feel right in my chest, like I cant take a deep breath, my heart is kind of racy and my mind focused on dick. I want to fuck just for the mental clarity. I dont have to talk or think and god knows I cant when I am getting some dick, so I crave it. Tonight I want it but is all sincerity my pussy is so sore from the last few nights I really cant do it. Or if I did the other person would be getting slighted for sure. Tonight I just want the head of it in and out of my pussy no thrusting, and i want my tits sucked on for a LONG time. No one seems to want to do it like I want it. Anyway I know I am a bit manic. No meds for me for about 6 months, but I am cool I am going to ride this one out and keep myself together.

Saw D the other night. For some background I do not ride the dick. I hate it. When I was 16 I was doing that with my bf who told me I sucked at it, and sadly enough that stuck and i will not do it. Till Now. Somewhere out of the dark came some confidence and I climbed up on it and rode the dick. I loved the look he had on his face like OMG check this bitch out. It was hot. And I was feeling like a freak, my pussy was squirting and I was begging to piss on me. LOL that is funny in the light of the day but at that moment I wanted nothing more then that.

I am so beat from the all night fucking I am starting to doze as I type. I am going to take care of myself tonight and take myself to bed early. Thanks for listening... Be back soon

I have been seeing D, from time to time. The last 2 times they both ended in my crying. I so dont want to be that girl - the one who crys and needs a man to comfort them. That is not me, and if it was i would not find it with D. He has consoled before, but not often and last time while I was pregnant. I was big and horrible feeling and I remember him hugging me and telling me everything was fine and making me laugh. I think that was the last time I cried in front of him. Until a few weeks ago. My husband and I are tyring to have a baby. We are now seeing a fertility doctor for some help. And I have had test after test after test in the last few weeks. It really has taken a toll on me emotionally. Been crying so much, feeling like it is almost a lost cause. He said something about it and I lost it, and I sucked it up and tried not to cry but it just came. Then a week or so later I go to see him. Still very emotional. We do what we do and then for some reason I get all brave and emotional. We are fucking, relaxed though, as we been fucking for a few hours already and he lifts my leg up and picks his head up so he can see the TV - the jets were playing or something.Afterwards I was like it feels like we are married, "we dont talk anymore" I said. I am even laughing as I say it. Why Why Why would I open the can up. That leads into an almost 2 hour discussion of his childhood, relationship with his parents, I ask questions about my daughter and he wont talk to me about that. I kills me. I just want to talk about her, I want to know what he thinks. And he told me he has already told me what he thinks. And he did, but 4 years ago. He said nothing changed. Which is sad to me. I feel like he just holds it all in. And I cry like and idiot.

This is what I wanted to say at the moment we were in the parking lot in the freezing cold, I was crying he was poker faced. In my head it went like this: D I love you. I get so sad sometimes wishing I had more of your time to myself, wishing you were not married, wishing we had met each other years before. I love you more then you will ever know, I idolize you at time, I am infatuated with you, I revel in your every word your every touch. I am a slave to you, my heart aches to see - i love you.

This is what I said: "sobbing" then "Ugh, I- ok its whatever" "Im fine" cry some more " And I lashed out about how he did not call me for months and I did not see him or no where he was,

and he brought me back to reality and calmed me down with the facts of the situation. I stood there tears rolling down my face freezing cold, looking at this stone faced man, wanting so much more. I said " Ok I will see you next week"

And that was a wrap. God help the people in my life when I start trying to get pregnant and taking hormone therapy. God Help Them!

I think what I like the most about D is his ability to ground me. I have a tendancy to let my mouth get way ahead of my brain. He helps me to think before I speak. He said to me " you are where you are now because of me". I smiled. He is right. He has helped me tremedously in my life, and it is not just about sex. It is about the hours we spent talking, him not telling me what i want to hear and being real with me about shit.

I love you D, for all that you have helped me to see about myself!

Next time my goal - fuck get pics and go home no crying to long talks. !