Monday, January 31, 2011

My husband ran out to pick my daughter up the other day. The second I hear the garage door closing I bolt upstairs, to grab my very favorite toy so I could make myself cum. I can not masturbate when my husband is home. I can not relax, and he has made too many comments of what a freak I am. He does not appreciate the slut ways I have, and would just as soon forget all the freaky things we did together when I first met and corrupted him.

We met at a gas station, I was just finishing karate class, and ran in for a Gatorade. I had on the my white karate pants, a sports bra, and the top of my uniform was open. I was not a bbw at this time. My body was tight, and I was confident. I knew he was from out of town, and I liked the way he was looking at me. I was 17 at this time. He was 25. He asked me out, and I happily went, and somewhere between dinner and home, there was a frantic stop behind an old school, where we fucked in my Red Nissan Sentra. He was huge, and I could not even have him finish. I guess it was at that point we started to date. If you could call it that. I would stop over before work and after work, we would spend weekends in a bed together. He would fuck me rough, like he was trying to hurt me. I loved it, this was my first experience with that kind of brutal fucking. He did not try to fence me in , but he also did not make me feel protected. And I soon fell out of lust with him, and stopped seeing him. I guess a year had passed and I had went to England for a few weeks. As I sat in a bar in Wales, talking to a lovely London Rastarfarin Black man with dreads, my mind still focus on this man a world away from me. Why did I keep thinking of this man, but I did, and soon found myself in a dark room off the side of this pub on a pay phone trying to figure out how to make an international call. I called him, and told him I missed him. That was all I missed him. All I had to say, I cried a little, and told him I would be over when i got home. With that I hung up the phone, headed back to black man enterataining me.

When I did return home, I did see him. And I was so bold to say to him. " I like you, but I have too much going on right now to date you, if you can wait until december, when school is over, we can date again". It makes me laugh now. I had all the control from day one.

Feels like December came and by March I was practically living with him.

Why I feel the need to talk about my husband tonight is beyond me. He really upset me the other night so our relationship has been on my mind.

I just lost interest in that. It is starting to get under my skin, so I am going to let that one go tonight.

I felt some peace today. Sitting with two great women I work with, I said " I need to say that I am feeling peaceful right now, and I need to say it and recognize and try to hold on to it." I had some peace today, for that I am grateful.

I am feeling under the weather, and I am thinking about calling out of work. It feels so wasteful to take a day off of work to lay in bed and not get any dick though...
I thought about taking off work, and heading to young boys house... What the fuck is wrong with me... why cant i just rest!

Im headed to bed, taking my cloudy mind to put it to rest and hope for some mental clarity and peace tomorrow.


Sunday, January 30, 2011

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Thursday, January 27, 2011

So excited to be home from work today. I really need the time away from work right now. My job has never felt like work. I have always needed to be happy in the things I do and so where ever it is I have worked I have loved it there. And when I have not loved it there, I left. I do love the work I do and the company I work for, but these 2 snakes I work with now are beginning to wear me down a bit. I am unable to pretend that the very sight of them does not make we want to vomit. So I have used this day to relax, to write, to snuggle extra long in bed. To surrender to my feelings and attempt to leave them behind.

I want to call D, but for what. I know what the conversation will be. I know his answers before I speak the questions. I am feeling a little unfocused, not know where to turn next. If I have to wait for D to come back to get me pregnant, what shall I do in the mean time? I need a project.

Been thinking about all kinds of people I have met. I can not seem to get this one person out of my head lately. I did talk about him. I called him Bobby because he reminded me of that song "Dont worry, be happy", by Bobby McFerrin. Life seemed to have kept getting in the way of me meeting up with him again. His life, my life, and I don't really know if I will see him again. I really want to. I remember not wanting to leave that night. I really wanted to hang out with him, lay in bed, and enjoy the empty headed feeling he gave me.

That empty headed feeling. It is the holly grail to me. The moments where there is not worry there is no pondering of what will be, there is no addiction using my body as its puppet. I try to acknowledge those feelings when I get them. And right now I am wanting that.

I just called D, hanging my head in shame, I want him to give me the holly grail. His phone went right to voicemail. I should have just surpressed the urge to call, at least I could have the fantasy of what he would say.

So I desperately need someone to fill this place D created in my life. Someone please take my mind away from this man who holds it. I can not do it on my own.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I spent a good amount of time on the phone with my sister today. Reviewing the feelings of abandonment and mistrust I keep in my heart. With D with my husband the issues are the same. Here is a news-flash everyone. I have been truly fucked up by somethings that occurred in my childhood. I bet none of you could have guessed that. At one point my sister and I were speaking about my mother and I said "...yeah that is how she managed to raise three sexual deviant kids". All of us have some significant issues with love and sex. Issues that have shaped our lives, I am not talking about fetishes, I am talking about serious issues that have ended marriages, estranged us from our family, caused us to filter through sexual partners like we are screening actors for a movie. We are sexually dysfunctional. And to that end I feel I always need to show both sides of a story.

This blog is my view of what is happening and for a large part of it is my way of working through the feelings that I have. Sometimes I have enough common sense to see when I am over reacting and when I am sabotaging things. Sometimes I do not see it until I re read here, or until someone points it out after they had read it here.

I have daddy issues. I never got /felt any love from my father. He was verbally abusive, cold and harsh disciplinarian, he was talented, smart, and persuasive. He controlled our home, and his mood dictated ours. He was fun beyond the imagination, on a whim taking us to wonderfully fun places and giving once in a lifetime experiences.
This description not only fits D but some of the other men in my life. The men that get into my head, the men I get on my knees in front of them and allow them to violate and use me, and it feels good. I have a positive physical and mental reaction to the abuse they give me.

My sister talks me off the ledge today, helping me to see sometimes I need to fall back a bit, as the things that are said in reality, I sometimes take them and twist them into unrecongnizable pieces where their true meaning is lost and they take on a false sense of malicious intent. Not all things men say to me are designed to hurt me. Sometimes a spade is just a spade and it needs no further explanation. I lesson I need to learn.

I dont say these things to minimize how D made / makes me feel. I say them as a warning that this is so my side of the story, and deeply inflated with my emotional triggers.
Feeling sick this morning from the conversation with D last night. It is not right one person can take so low and bring you so high. Obviously this is a low. I know if I dont want to talk about on here, it defiantly is not a good sign. I almost dont want to admit it, but I think this thing with D might be over. God that does not even feel right to say. I dont want to go into to it too much this morning, but it appears like D does not want to be bothered with me.

I was up crying a lot last night. I know what for. If I had my baby, I would not be sad right now. I really just want a baby with him. For lots of reasons.
He has a good medical history.
We made one beautiful baby odds are there would be two.
I would like my daughter to have a full sibling.
It feels right to make a baby with him, I cant imagine a sperm bank.
My husband is ok with it and if he could just get me pregnant before he leaves.

He is going back to the islands for a few months. That does not even feel good to write. This is pathetic I know. I am starting to get on my own fucking nerves with this shit. Why do I let him do this to me. Feeling disgusted with myself, and embarrassed.

Please god let a new distraction come into my life as soon as possible.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

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Monday, January 24, 2011

I got my period today. Feeling a little sad, but that feeling was softened with 2 Ativan, and 2 Advil. Looking forward to trying again next month. Thats about all for tonight. Going to bed to soothe my soul a bit.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I have been thinking about if I am pregnant or not. I took a pregnancy test this morning, even though they say not to until for a few more days, it was negative. So I will wait patiently for the next 3 days, and then I will test again. Although I ugly signs of my impending period are beginning to sneak into my days. I have not spoken to D in a little over a week. Which is ok. I want him to call me, so he can reassure me he wants me, but I dont really want to go see him or even really talk to him. I just want him to make me feel wanted. He usually calls me at least 1x week, so a few days over a week, makes me a little sad and brings back all kind of insecure feelings I have with our "relationship". Sometimes the whore on the side needs to know she is wanted.

I remember one time when I was not in the mood to see D, and I lied to him and told him I had my period. He said to me "how do you have your period again, its too early" and as he kept talking I began to quickly realize he knew much more about me then I thought. It was only about 5 days early, but I was caught and then I had to back peddle but he knew I had lied to him. He was not mad, but quietly frustrated. He punished me for a few weeks on that one, not allowing me to have any dick for the next few weeks. That was the last time I lied about my ability to see him, and my whereabout.. and that means there have been many times I have been tired and cranky getting into the car at all hours of the night to meet him.

Today I am sad. I am a tearful and getting ready to retreat into my bedroom and meditate, burn some sage, cry a little and take a nap. Hoping that will help me get into a better place. I am really wanting to quit my job this week. I have two somewhat new bosses... one a hood rat, the other a drunken soccer mom. I cant win with them. They are easily intimidated by me and we have had several meetings about my "attitude". I am weary from it all.

I do feel like I have been a bit more short with people a little bit bitchy and somewhat rude at times, but I cant change it right now. After the manic heat comes the dysphoric depression. Just going to have to work through it.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I was walking down my driveway today, waving to a neighbor, and I thought to myself... I wonder if they know how I am living...like could people I see in my day to day life possible have seen me getting fucked by D, and getting pissed on. In all my years of swinging, and all the other crazy shit I have no word for, I had only seen one guy I met at a gang bang in real life. I did not really meet him, I fucked him.

I was working with some people with work, we had to go to the home depot to pick up somethings we needed, myself and 2 other women. ( I need to stay out of home depot-lol) I was in line purchasing the items, and it was taking a little extra time because of the business account, and this black guy was cheesing at me hard. I was in work mode so it was not even like I saw him. But he kept on smiling at me and said "you dont remember me"? I did remember him, after I saw him smile. The same smile I saw when he slide his bbc into me. I said "No I am sorry, I dont think we met" and with those words I gave him the Shut the fuck up NOW look and shot my eyes toward my coworkers, as if to say you stupid mother fucker what happens at the gang bang stays at the gang bang. Walking out I glanced back and gave him a smile. I made some trips to that store to try to "meet" him again, because I wanted more the dick I had remembered but I had never seen him again.

It is obvious I love the thought of having a secret, people knowing my dirty secrets, and being in disguise as a good girl. Even some of my friends can't imagine someone as conservative as I am being so sexually expressive.

Im am a little frustrated this evening, i want D's big cock in my cunt tonight, but damm I am broke. Too much to drive up there and get a room so often. It is so much easier when he can just come to my house.

Feeling little sad today because my tits which were getting fuller and my nipples that have been rock hard for the last week, have begun to look more like they usually do. Leaving me know other explanation then _ I am not pregant. Still 6 more days until I can know for sure. My pussy has been wet all the time now (which is a sign of pregnancy) but that could be from the non stop porn I look at on bangmyslut.com.

I watch D fuck me like every morning before I go to work. I am in love with that cock.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

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Monday, January 17, 2011

Just not Nice.

The douche bag I met last week, the night I was frustrated who turned out to be a good time... he is getting under my skin a little. And I know he will read this, but that is cool, I do this for me, no one else. I have lived and "alternative" lifestyle since I have been 18. I am 31. I have been having a good time for a long time. In that time I have met some incredible people who not only have been great Masters, Doms, lovers, or fucks, I have made friends. And still talk to many many of the people I have "known". I am a deep person, and even if I never loved or cared about most of these people we had a good time and they were / are friends. I keep the people in my life close. I only can think of a few people who I was not able to remain friendly with, long after our fun ended. And those people were always the one who were angry with me for being me. They wanted me to be devoted to them, they called me a whore, then called me stupid, they tried to break me down in order to build themselves up. (I guess, I dont know any other reason a person to hurt someone's feelings). I remember this older white man (from back in the day when I was still fucking white men) he saw and email from a swingers club in my email. He lost it. He cut me off that instant and never spoke to me again. (Hey Loki, if you reading, you suck!). For what - he met me I was engaged and I was young and you knew I was a freak and I was exploring. So was I suppose to deny myself my sexual exploration for you... he got to do it when he was younger. (He had an amazing DICK! I think thicker than D). You got to meet people where they are at in life. If I am at a place where I want to "settle down" for 1 or 2 monagomous relationships then I would have let you know from jump street as well as if you meet me with the online screen name of "submissivegirl" or "iwantbigblackcock" or "freak4life"....what do you think you are getting? Really what? I dont falsely advertise who I am or what I want. This blog has given me countless orgasms, just knowing that I can share my soul with someone, even if they are faceless nameless people. This blog is who I am. I talk about so much here. If it goes through my head, it has made the pages. I limit personal info, and things that happen with my family and work, but it is me! I make no apologies for who I am. I am not ashamed! I hid my life for so long, it gets exhausting. If I do not have to hide my alt. lifestyle from my parents and my husband, then there is no one in this world I need to hide from.
And while I like abuse of the physical and mental nature there comes a time when abuse for sexual gratification turns into something ugly. I feel like we may have crossed the line into getting ugly. And that is why I limit my circle! In the last 5 years I have had sex with 3 new people. That is it. (Not that I have not brought back some oldies but goodies) That is less then one new guy a year. It becomes too stressful to deal with the extra. Extra, extra, extra. I dont think I am complicated. I just want my body to feel good, to be dominated with in the parameters to which I am comfortable, to love, to be loved, to enjoy my family, to love my life and wake up with a smile on my face and try to greet each day with a sense of contentment, and when i need to seek out that contentment any way I can. I am a gentle soul, who would never choose to hurt someone. Let me relax into my crazy abyss. I like it here. Oblivious to what I want to be, aware of what I need to be, and always soul searching and trying to self improving. And to that end I can discuss anything and I will listen and soak it all in and see how it feels to me. Just dont talk if you dont have anything positive to say to me, I dont need someone to bring me to an ugly head space. I can do that all by myself. Lets Play Nice!

Violate the Mind

My mind is a little all over today, Good luck following my thoughts today.
D is not one for clothes, lingerie or any attempt to look sexy at all. When I met D, I had to run into home depot to get a piece of pipe (that sounds funny but I really need a pipe for water). We were redoing our bathroom with the help of my family and they has miscalculated something and needed some kind of joint. I had not showered in about 36 hours, and I had spent the 3 days ripping out drywall, and sub floor, hauling tile and all of that. My hair full of sheet rock dust, I was wearing sweat pants and a t shirt with my husband sweat shirt over that, and sneakers. All of which was covered with dust and old paint stains. ( I really work, I am not girl that cant do this type of work. I can do just about anything and I am not scared to work with the men. Even looking like this D was on me. Maybe I was putting off a scent, or something. I like that he is not interested in clothes and shoes and all of that. Makes my life easier. I remember at one point in my life I would go to meet him in my pajamas. OMG Yes my pajamas.

So when I was pregnant with my first child about 5 years ago, D came over my house one day, and during his usual go through my drawers routine, he found my diary. I usually had managed to hide it but I forgot to this day. He took it and began to read it, and I pleaded with him not to. I tried sucking his dick to distract him but he was set on reading this diary. A 3 year almost daily account of him fucking me and all the private thoughts I had ever had about him. He Laid on my bed and read it all. ( At this time he really thought I got pregnant on purpose - He was a little bitter with me - but he never even came in me, I guess some slipped out early ) I think he was searching for proof that I had mislead him. He never found it. There is a phrase in the book that said "I love the way my life is right now, my husband and I talk about having a baby but I do not want to mess up this thing with D, I need to be able to fuck him whenever I want, mother hood would mess that up". I am pretty sure he still thinks I got pregnant "on purpose". Either way it does not matter now.
It was fantastic having him read the diary, just as I enjoy him going through my drawers and my phone, my house and my car. After I got a taste of what it felt like to have him violate my space and mind i started to blog.

In the interest in enjoy my memories and painting a more fair picture of D another entry from the diary he read.

9-21-04
I just get into the passenger side and let him drive. I lie back feeling totally controlled by him. We park on this side street and we walk , in the dark on to this side street, into a park. I walk slowly because I am scared and he waits for me, we walk to the bend and he pulls his pants down and I take my place sucking his dick. Reading his body gestures I know it is time for me to bend over and slide my pants down, he pushes his body into mine. Bent over, one the bench, sitting on his dick we move seamlessly into positions until I feel him jerking and moaning, getting ready to come.
With out missing a beat we move the slide, his whole body covers me. He controls me and spreads my legs out far and crunches them up far, close to my head, and as he gets ready to explode he jammed that giant cock into my mouth.
After we finish we walk around the park, in an unknown loacation, in the pitch black, I holding on to him with every step. We walk back to the truck and drive to another location. He tells me I need to be very quiet and I am, as we are in a residential neighbor hood at 2am, about 1000 feet from some peoples back yard. It is right up against a highway, there is a fence there. He tells me not to get on my knees, as there is glass all over. So, I hold on to the chain link fence bent over as he pulls my pants over my ass and slides his big black cock into me. He fucks me for a while like that then all of a sudden he lift my body up by pulling on my hair and slams my body and bare tits up against the cold fence, and finishes fucking me like that.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The "in heat " feeling has not gone. It is hear and it is loudly and clearly got me on a hunting expedition. I dont really even need dick. I dont know what I need! I am exhausted, and I really just want to lay in a bed, tied down, and be used until and maybe after I pass out from exhaustion. I want to lay there, covered with cum and piss and maybe have 2 or three hard cocks using me, humiliating me, raping me. This is what my body and mind need today. I thought about going to see D, but he will fuck me and he will need be to have some energy. I dont have any of that. He will not accept half hearted fucking. I go 100% or he puts his pants on and bounces! Something he has never done, but he has gotten to the putting the pants part one to warn me, and then I dutifully perk up and make his dick throb!
I want it, but other then looking at yahoo messenger I am not really willing to create this. I do have some pride, a submissive whore cant be begging for this type of situation. I did text my young boy who bulked up and no longer looks like a teenager (he is 26) he looks like a big buff black fuck machine. I dont know where that is going to go, but I hope he can rape me tonight.
In my mind I want a threesome with W & T. T because I love his cock, and W because he is a nasty fucker! I can be assured they will create the feeling I want.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I have talked to this guy, someone's Master, not mine, as I have none, for seems like a few years. We have exchange photos and stories. I recently started feeling like I might want to fuck him. Like kind of all of a sudden. To the extent that I lay in bed thinking about it. I fantasize what it would be like. It is 5am I have not slept tonight, my daughter was up all night and when I was almost able to get to sleep these feelings of wanting to be used continued to flood my mind. So my solution, write about it so I can let it go. This is how it went in my head.
We were meeting at a motel, he was waiting there for me. I took a deep breath, before I could get out of my car. Im walking up to the door as think about turning back, he opens the door as I begin to knock. I walk in, I see he has all the proper porn making equipment ready to go. And I am blindfolded. (AHHH BLINDFOLDED - been too long since I have been blindfold). Things move quickly as I am ushered around to the bed, stripped naked and thrown to the bed. I am tied up, but in a good way, hands tied out like to each side of the bed and legs tied up so my pussy is always wide open. In my head I would hope I would be lactating at this point because that is hot, so he would for sure start milking me. Milking me alot, by hand first, shooting it across the room, and then maybe hook me up to the machine while he works on some other things, like fisting. Maybe fisting and finger fucking me so much I piss myself... hmmm a thought. He would have me tied up to piss on me whenever he needed to. On my dirty pussy and in my mouth on my tits and face. Leaving me tied up and filthy. When I get done I deally I would would have sore tits, from milking and sucking and my pussy would be throbbing, I would have some bruises somewhere from being tied up or having my ass and tits slapped. I guess fucking would be important - I did not really get to that part in my head lol just wanted all the other stuff. He would untie me, and as I crawled from the bed, covered in piss and cum, I would feel totally used ashamed and disgusted with myself. Then I would see the videos of it on the website! That is how I envision it going. Whew that one has been in my head for awhile.

I am starting to notice a theme with me. I really need abuse to be totally fulfilled.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

As my mind begins to settle back down from the "heat"induced frenzy I have been in, the dust settles and I become disgusted with myself. I shake my head at some of the things I have done in the last few days. Some make me smile. I worry about saying too much on here sometimes. Someone said to me "it is your soul" on those blog pages. It is. It is so much of who I am, and a good indicator my mood, and where my head is at. It does miss some aspects of who I am. I am someone's mother, daughter, co-worker, therapist, sister. And while most of the time being objectified as a slut, and just a submissive girl for sexual exploration is comfortable and satisfying to me, sometimes I feel the need to stand up and say, I am a person still with intelligence, fears, feelings, wants, needs and a heart. Just felt like that message should be reiterated. Sometimes I think people forget - even myself. I dont always allow myself to feel the other feelings. Being a slut is just easier!

My mind in shreds from the bender I have been on, my body sore, my spirit is weak tonight. I am looking forward to my peace and quiet and climbing in my bed tonight for some much needed sleep!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The pain of the other night with D is long gone, but to my delight the bruises are still there. Kind of hard to see in a pic, on my arm / shoulder are big yellow bruises, and that is a look of sheer delight on my face. I am looking hard at my tits these couple days. Hoping that they will being to swell soon from a pregnancy. I am in a bad way over here. This morning I laid in bed and used my magic wand to make myself cum over and over for like at hour. I needed some porn, but I dont have any upstairs so i ended up watching this movie set during slavery and getting off to watching hot, dirty black men pick cotton in the field imagining myself walking past the white guard with a his gun on the slaves. Getting on my knees in this field and sucking that black cock having him then flip me over and fuck me in the dirt, cum in me and leave me for the rest of the men working in the field.
My nipples need to be sucked bad. I want someone to suck on them for hours. Hours and Hours make them sore and swollen. Little options here alone in my house, so I got out my breast pump, from way back in the breast feeding days and watched my nipple be sucked into this machine. It hurt in the best way. After an hour of cumming and attempted milking my pussy was sore and wet, my bed was wet and I was disgusted with myslef. I was thinking about more, like fucking my self with whatever I could find laying next to me, but I had to cut it short or I would be in the bed still and even more disgusted with myself.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

On the topic of defending my choice to love a man who to many does not appears to be worthy of my love I went to that archives. I had a blog a long time ago, but at the risk of being caught by d I deleted it. But I still have my journal. I read it sometimes just to help me get off.

This was about a year into our relationship. We had a few months off, I was dating a women, and this was the first meeting in a few months.
2-16-04
i got into the care and he said " what is wrong with you"? I wish I could tell him that I was not in the mood, I was emotionally wounded by my girlfriend, and too vulnerable to allow him into my body and all I could say was "i'm fine". We continue to drive behind the building. We park and he gets into the back of the bronco and tells me to get back there with him. I tell him " I brought condoms" he says "Nope, now get your ass back here". I take a deep breath and I get up and climb into the back, He is taking his clothes off and i sit nervously awaiting his touch. I have had sex with him made love to him slept with him many many time before but every time, I m worried and nervous about how he will touch me. I take my pants off slowly sliding the purple lace panties down my legs. I can feel the cold car seat on my pussy. I am so nervous, he tells me to slide down near him and he parts my legs. One last time I plea with him " can you please wear a condom" he abruptly says "no" and pulls me closed end pushes his cock into my body. I scream a little bit, because it is huge and feels like he is ripping my pussy apart, but he keeps going. My body is wet and ready for him. He keeps thrusting into me, I am loving it, I find myself grabbing his ass pulling him closer into my body I am spreading my legs, taking it all. I catch myself moaning loudly like some kind of animal. That makes me hotter and we start fucking passionately. Our bodies rhythmically move like some kind of animalistic dance. He manipulates my leg in order to make me come harder. he pulls one leg up and leans into it resting his head on it, he fucks me super fast then slows it down running his tongue up and down my leg. My body begins to shake with passion and ecstasy. He starts making noises that let me know he is going to come, and right as he starts to jerk and twitch he pulls out and comes on my swollen pussy and then slid his still hard dick into my cunt again. As I start to tire, he flips me over, looks at my ass, and moans and slides his dick back in my cunt. He undoes my bra and slides his big black hands over my tits, and up and down my back. He tells me I am not to fuck anyone else. I am to call him whenever I need it. We continue to fuck in the truck for several hours, in the cold february weather.

I still remember that night well, and particularly when he spread my legs. That is something he did not need to really do again, but that night I was unsure. Naked sitting on the cold vinyl seats in his red bronco on a cold February night I was not into it. I could not look at him, I could not make eye contact. I was there out of a sense of obligation to please him and responsibility for his pleasure. I pleaded with him to wear a condom. No condom meant he owned me. And he did own me. From day one he owned me, but I never though he would have changed my life so profoundly.

I also love so many years later, that sex is still phenomenal. I never leave D with my body feeling FUCKED!

The heat is gone.

I can not sleep. I have this knot in my chest, this unsettled unrelenting angst that i just cant shake. I know that D has lied to me about things in our relationship, and I have lied to him. I dont know if he knows I have lied but I know he has lied to me. Most of the time these things do not matter to me. They are white lies and frankly are usually to deflect a topic he does not want to talk about with me. They hang heavy in my heart tonight making me doubt him. I never want D to think of me as a stressor. I want to be able to be where he turns for relaxation and comfort and never shy away from me because I have put much stress on him. Knowing myself, knowing I am a little crazy I know sometimes I get on my own fucking nerves and I know I must work his at times. I am a little angry with myself for allowing myself to become overly focused on him impregnating me that it has consumed me. I am angry for loving him no matter what he does and for never allowing myself to live and die on the actions of this man.

Having said all that - Someone brought to my attention that I never say anything good about D. And I feel like I should. He makes me feel loved (when he wants to), he has taught me a lot of patience (i used to be way worse) he has helped be relax a little, love my husband more (long story) helped me to know i have control over my mind and not to be weak minded, not to allow myself to be come "crazy". (after both phyc. hospitalization). He loved me, he told me he loved me, he made love to me, he makes love to me, he will hold me and tell me his dreams, and share his stories, share is wisdom, share anything. If he has it, I have it, and if I have it he has it. He helps me, helps me with my house, my body, my car. He is there for me when I need him to be and when he is not he makes it up to me. I treat him dirty sometimes and he forgives me. I forgive him. You take the good with the bad, you cherish the good times and let the bad things go, because we are all human, we are all flawed. Oh wait I forgot - The man has a dick the size of a rocket and he can fuck all night, cum and keep the dick in me and fuck some more. He is a freak like me and he can also make love to me not just fuck me. I think those are enough reasons to love him like I do.

But he has pushed my buttons this week. Then again, everyone has! I am so fucking manic, like my body is going to burst. It is hard to explain this feeling, but it feels like I might die if I dont have an outlet for it. Not even just sex but something. It has been shopping, been sex, anything impulsive and fun. I have not been this bad in awhile and I just gave in and took some sleeping pills and an anti anxiety pill. I could cry, but I wont because if I do it will not stop.

I hung out with my girl tonight. My best friend in the world. We laid in her bed talking, I laid my head on her shoulder and spilled my guts. I love her. Then we went for a ride looking for trouble - which we did not find, but did have a damm good time doing it. She gets me and gives me advice which was to "fallback bitch stop stressing and breath". I know I said "Im getting on my own damm nerves". This will pass, and my goal is to get through with minimal apologies.

So the guy who fisted me - I wanted a little more of that tonight. But he was not giving into me. He will love to read this - but he is a lot like D. I cant have it my way, no matter how hard I try. I just cant make him do it my way. That is catching my attention. He told me I was rude tonight and i need to grow up and control myself. That hurt my feelings a little, but did get me to think. Still hurt my feelings though, made me cry some. I do not like to be called rude, or childish (unless your my daddy and i need a spanking). Yeah I got my feelings hurt, but might have needed to be said.

Maybe that is why I keep my men around me for so long - I dont have short relationship or many one nighters. It is hard for people to get to know me, understand me, get me. And when you meet me in the middle of the storm well then shit god only knows what you will see. My men know when to let me be when to persist and when to fuck me like a whore and bounce.

Tonight I laid in bed, with my vibrator, making myself cum, like 6 times, until my pussy was spent. Then I cried and laid there and prayed to God. Prayed for help to make it through the next day, to take this feeling out of my body, prayed for my family, for D, for me to be able to communicate what I really want to say. For me to be strong and hold on to who I am and what I believe and not let others get in my head.

Too much fucking with my head tonight, and the sadness has come. The heat maybe gone for now. We will see tomorrow. Ugh it is 2am and I am wide awake and not rest in sight. I have to work alone tomorrow. Going to be a long day. I really need a hug. I am going to lay down now. Thanks for listening.

Monday, January 10, 2011



I woke up this morning and my tits were swollen and nipples were hard. They feel a little heavy. I am so excited, please let this be an early pregnancy sign. Last time I was pregnant it was the first things I noticed. I was so excited I had to take some pix of my tits. I just had another look at them. Please let this man have gotten me pregnant! I love the thought of his seed swimming around my cunt, love it.

Sunday, January 9, 2011




I am waiting for D, he has been patient with me the last few days, I have been blowing his phone up, I just called and he did not answer. Frustrating. I am manic. For those of you who have not noticed, when I am in heat - I am manic. Which for the men in my life means nothing but good things. For me it means some good things. Being able to fuck all night and not need the sleep, no need to eat, increased energy, but also means I am a bit needier then I would like to be. I crave male attention all the time, I start to question myself, anayalize my life. I make impulsive decisions (this is the time when I usually end up meeting new people). My heart races, I have butterflies in my stomach and I am always on high alert. I like it for the most part, but it has been a few weeks now and I think it is getting worse. And this bullshit with D makes me just too anxious.

So last night, I was talking to some old friends on the computer. It was way late (11p -that is late for me) and still in heat needing someone to use me. I tried to get something started with my usually fan club, but the way things go when I am in heat - No one is able to come take care of me. Frustrating to me, because when I say in heat - it kind of feels like i might hyperventilate and die with out some sexual satisfaction. And I dont mean bend over and get dick it needs to be more, it needs to hurt a little and make me feel used a little and they next day some part of my body should be sore, or I should have some bruises.

So he persisted, I caved. Im in the car talking to him on my way to meet him. We talk about 2 minutes and I have already decided I hate him and he is a douche bag, but I am already in the car, already told my husband I was going out and if I change my plans he will want to know why and I am not having that conversation so I keep driving and talking. No feeling this as all. So in my head I decide I will meet him and that is it. No fucking. So I meet him. He wants me to get out of the car in 23 degree weather I do. He hugs me.. I feel anything. I am so turned off my the conversation on the phone I lost the heat feeling, but I am out here and maybe he has a huge dick so I keep with a few minutes longer. I am in his car now. Something I never do. And as we talk I am thinking about making my exit and how I will do that. Planning my response if he is too persistent. He tries to kiss me - which I think made it worse. I was like oh no and it did not feel right.
I dont really be kissing people. I will kiss D maybe every 10th time we fuck, when we are very passionate, and I got to say it is not my fav thing to do. I dont kiss my husband. He says he wants to get a room. I go with the flow cause in my head I am like I am leaving as soon as I get in my car. I call him as I see him get out of his car to get the room. He left the phone in his car, and did not answer. So dam...I could never fuck someone like that so I reluctantly go to the room. I walk in. Feeling nervous he might be a lunatic and thinking about how long this will take. That thought persisted as I sucked his dick. I kept gagging, i was doing a horrible job. My heart was not there. Then he told me to get on the bed and I did, think I was half way done, he made me take all my clothes off. He started eating my pussy and I was like almost immediatly in a state of bliss. Maybe because it has been so long (sept 3 10 to be exact thanks JS :) since i has my pussy attended to in that way and i was really loving it. D does it now and then but not like that. NOT LIKE THAT! Omg not like that. I dont even think of myself as someone who likes that, but I hit this retarded state of mind where I could not speak! At one point I looked up and the wall and thought to myself "Where am I". I was really thrown by this one. I totally miss judged my ability to be pleased by this man. He was sucking licking doing something nice with my clit and before u know his fist was in my pussy.
OK Game over- at this point I was star struck. I want to kiss him and I did and I tried to get him as far as I could into my pussy. I wanted to cry, I was in pain but I was also feeling so submissive and powerless. POWERLESS. That is the feeling I miss. Fisting makes you powerless. You cant really move away from them when they have their whole fist in your cunt and they can make you lie there and enjoy it. I look in his eyes as he looked at me with hand wrist deep in my cunt was mesmerizing. I was done at that point. I surrendered.
I think I like this guy. I want him in my body again right now. Sometimes I think he needs a muzzle, but I am sure the tables will turn when I begin to feel comfortable and can talk to him.

Comfort Level - as I was laying there afterward i was thinking how much this man is touching me. I like it, it feels good, but at the same time I am uncomfortable with it. Men in my "rotation" dont touch me like that. That is because I have trained them to show no emotion / affection. D used to tell me he loved me - until I made him stop. I keep clean cut. But I do realize with D I now want that, I want more affection. When we used to fuck, he would make me come lay pressed up against him in the bed afterward, his dick resting in my ass, but now he does not do that. I miss it. D used to say he would never hit me... until I begged and begged to be slapped in the face and shit that just took off for him, he loves it now. After 8 years of fucking D I am only now coming to a place I can do what I want to him. Now I dont have to wait for him to tell me. I wanted to ride him the other day, so I told him to lay back down so I could get up there, and I wanted to suck his dick after he came in me the the other day - idid not have to wait for him to ask, I grabbed that dick and took what I wanted. Feels ok sometimes to do that. To be able to say what I want.


Saturday, January 8, 2011

I talk to my friends a lot about my life. It has become no big deal at all to some of them. And some of them are not shocked by my activities and some still just dont get it. I have had them say things about D, again like he does not care, he is a looser, he is everything negative thing you can imagine. And I must say his recent appearance has made me think about him more. He looks kind of street or rustic I cant decide which. It has not been my favorite look over the years. And these friends of mine they do not understand how I can keep the company I do with the strong values and morals that I have. They equate sexuality with immorality, and my freedom of expression a form of deviant uncontrolled behavior. They have made me think about about this. She said to me "How can you even talk to people like that"? (speaking of D and other friends I have). I try very hard to not judge people by where they are in life, but rather who they are in life. I met my husband he was homeless. I have met some of my best friends while they were putting their dick in my mouth or a sliding a butt plug in my ass. I have friends who live in the projects, and friends who are very wealthy. Sometimes I get tired of defending my life to people and answering questions about my life. The doctor at work asked one of my co-workers (a friend ) how long I have been married, and was trying to piece together my story with facts about length of marriage, my daughters age, pics of my family on my desk. I feel like I want a family picture about with me my husband and daughter and Des and the damm dog right on my desk . I love two men, I love dick, I love my daughter, I love my life and the men I keep in it to meet my needs, I love my friends and my family, my intense feelings and my unpredictable nature.

Other than that... it is snowing and I want to some dick bad, D is in NYC and is unsure about when we will be hooking up. So I end up waiting around for his call.

The other day when we were fucking I said to him, make my tits hurt. And he grips them up while he is fucking me and slaps them so hard,, but I want more, I make him pinch them, but I cant get enough pain. As I sit here and type I am reminded of the pain he did give me. When he cums he squeezes whatever, So it is sometimes my shoulders /arms if he is fucking me from the back or if he is on top of me with his arms wrapping around me. They are bruised now with little finger tip size bruises all over - that is how hard he is squeezing and he did like 6x. I love it. A few time a day I look that them in the mirror. I feel them. I think about the pain when he was doing it and twitching and jerking while he came. And right now I am listening and watching the video of it. Cant wait to see him.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

So my day began with a drive and peace after I dropped my daughter off at school. Some solitude in my car and on the open highway. I needed it. Again I thanked god for it, and I appreciated it. My mind was content!

I had a date to meet D at 11. He was right on time this time. We had to take care of somethings - not something we ever do - be together in public. I was uncomfortable at first. People do look differently at me when I am with a black man. I know this. My black girlfriend tells me I am wrong but I know what they are thinking. There was this one person who made a comment I did not totally understand or hear but he sentiment was clear, by the look on his face when our eyes met. D is very outgoing and very talkative. I am too, but not when I am with him. I become a shadow of a women standing behind him and waiting for his instruction. I exist only for him and I wonder to myself - if we were "together" how long would that last? It feels so natural and right when I am with him, but would it stick?

Moving on, and glad to be out of the store and in the privacy of the car, he demands the keys from me and he drives us to the motel. I miss having alone time with him to talk about things, and I enjoyed this time in the car alone and together. We got out of the car and got into the room for the dance. I brought the video camera and a whole lot of pent up energy.

We found our beat again and fucked, made love, held each other in our arms pleasing our bodies and sweating and growling, slapping and pinching. I got it all on tape. And as I watch and listen to the animal like sounds I make I feel embarrassed. I dont know why I feel embarrassed abou the sounds I make. They are so primal, so unabandon, and some moments I try to talk and I cant, it sounds like I am speaking in tongues.

Then the shower scene. I beg him to piss on me and he reluctantly agrees. I kneel down in t he shower to avoid any charges for fucking up the room. I am smiling like a kid as I sit there and wait for him to humiliate me. There is so much joy in my face at that moment, it kinda weirded me out. Wow - I really like that I thought as I watched it over and over again.

Hoping to get the videos up soon.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

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Saturday, January 1, 2011

I cant get things out of my head today. Round and round I go thinking about my life, choices, my daughter the changes I want to occur in 2011. I am anxious and feeling like I need some grounding. Like something to get me in touch with the present. Like a big black dick in my mouth where I do not need think about anything. Make me forget about everything, forget my name, his name, everything. When I use to do gang bangs (not that I have ruled them out) I would hit this zone where I would not know who I was or where I was, and it was awesome. The guys, before they got to know me, would be scared, they thought something was wrong with me. I could not even talk, just smiled with a glazed kinda look on my face. Gang Bangs are like and Olympic sport it is not for the weak hearted they would try to get me to drink some water here and there. But I did not want water I wanted to be kept in the space I was in, the out of body bliss. I need that because You cant think when they are fucking you. And while there are times when i cant think when d is fucking me, it is not the same. When you open your eyes when someone slides their dick into your cunt and see nothing but black dicks above your face you cant think. You just cant think about anything but what each one will feel like, and who is in your pussy right now. Nice. Maybe that will be New Years Resolution... do at least 1 gang bang.