We met at a gas station, I was just finishing karate class, and ran in for a Gatorade. I had on the my white karate pants, a sports bra, and the top of my uniform was open. I was not a bbw at this time. My body was tight, and I was confident. I knew he was from out of town, and I liked the way he was looking at me. I was 17 at this time. He was 25. He asked me out, and I happily went, and somewhere between dinner and home, there was a frantic stop behind an old school, where we fucked in my Red Nissan Sentra. He was huge, and I could not even have him finish. I guess it was at that point we started to date. If you could call it that. I would stop over before work and after work, we would spend weekends in a bed together. He would fuck me rough, like he was trying to hurt me. I loved it, this was my first experience with that kind of brutal fucking. He did not try to fence me in , but he also did not make me feel protected. And I soon fell out of lust with him, and stopped seeing him. I guess a year had passed and I had went to England for a few weeks. As I sat in a bar in Wales, talking to a lovely London Rastarfarin Black man with dreads, my mind still focus on this man a world away from me. Why did I keep thinking of this man, but I did, and soon found myself in a dark room off the side of this pub on a pay phone trying to figure out how to make an international call. I called him, and told him I missed him. That was all I missed him. All I had to say, I cried a little, and told him I would be over when i got home. With that I hung up the phone, headed back to black man enterataining me.
When I did return home, I did see him. And I was so bold to say to him. " I like you, but I have too much going on right now to date you, if you can wait until december, when school is over, we can date again". It makes me laugh now. I had all the control from day one.
Feels like December came and by March I was practically living with him.
Why I feel the need to talk about my husband tonight is beyond me. He really upset me the other night so our relationship has been on my mind.
I just lost interest in that. It is starting to get under my skin, so I am going to let that one go tonight.
I felt some peace today. Sitting with two great women I work with, I said " I need to say that I am feeling peaceful right now, and I need to say it and recognize and try to hold on to it." I had some peace today, for that I am grateful.
I am feeling under the weather, and I am thinking about calling out of work. It feels so wasteful to take a day off of work to lay in bed and not get any dick though...
I thought about taking off work, and heading to young boys house... What the fuck is wrong with me... why cant i just rest!
Im headed to bed, taking my cloudy mind to put it to rest and hope for some mental clarity and peace tomorrow.