I felt myself wanting to rush home today to relieve myself of all the burdens of my day by blogging.

I received a phone cal from D this morning at 9am. I was working and did not answer my phone but when I had a chance I called him back. I innocently called him back, happy to hear his voice, and he asked me why I was calling him. I said because you called me so I was calling you back. At this time I had not noticed he left me a voicemail. As I stand there smiling on the phone, he briefly says I fucked up, and he is done. Very matter of fact like. How I wish I had the balls to tell everyone what really happens, and what this argument is really about, but I know what the response will be so I keep all to myself. I tell no one. As he says it my body gets warms all over like a chemical warm feeling filling my body, it goes every where and I am aware of it moving over me as I stand there with my jaw dropped. I really did nothing wrong! I can not say enough how I did nothing at all and that this argument is a symptom of a much larger diagnosis.

When I met D it was fucking every where all the time.

Then I was pregnant and for the first time things were more real, he now had problems at home and moved to North Jersey.

He struggled for work since that time, we struggle to find time since that time, we struggled to hold on to what we had, but we did.

In this last year, he was gone for 6 months of it, I have struggled with feelings of being unhappy with our situation. I love him and I love being with him, but part of me is tired of feeling so tired and so emotional drained. I have given so much of myself to this man. I have given all of myself to this man. If I have it he has it, when he is stressed I relax him, when he needs me to I listen. I live and breathe for this man's happiness and in return I have been taken for granted. I have been humiliated and I have been crushed.

I listen to the voicemail, which is " Yo I am done with you, I am like so done with you".

And I replay it and I replay it and then I call back and leave my own voice mail. I dont even cry anymore I just remind him how I have given him all that I have had, and I dont appreciate how he treats me in return. I make myself sick with this shit. Ugh someone help me PLEASE!

My emotions transcend from deep hurt, to anger, to indifference somewhere around 3pm. Then comes the excitement. Am I free at last? Can I move along with my life and not have this man hold me down, I feel rejuvenated. I am smiling and happy, my coworker said I was glowing.

So now I am thinking about two things.

1. Will my daughter ever know him, and does it even matter anymore, will he suck the soul from her as he done me? And for that matter, I am about at the "your daddy was an anonymous donor" point.

2. Will I find someone to fuck me like he does and hold me like he loves me too?

My head hurts with stress and a long day of thinking. Still feeling like dropping off the grid and moving to some kind of tropical paradise. Leaving it all behind would make me feel free. Re invent myself, a rebirth.

There is so much on my mind this evening. I saw a pic of my ex boyfriend on face book and it made me sad. I loved him so much. I really did. I treated him like shit though. I cheated on him a few times, I even fucked his friend, who I was not attracted to, I dont know why. To this day, I could vomit thinking of the man fucking me. It was horrible, and yet I did it to myself.

He contacted me about a year ago now, and told me how much he loved me, loved me still, and How much I fucked him up by the shit that I did to him. Wow after like 12 years he still loved me, after I humiliated him he still loved me. I remember him and this other guy fighting over me. I dont remember how they felt but I remember looking at him bloody and beaten and thinking that he must really love me. He continued to try to love me, and I let him down over and over again. Not that he was perfect but I was cruel to him. And I feel bad for it. And I see him now on face book remembering how loved he made me feel, and wonder what more was I looking for?

2 day in to my meds. Lets see what this does to me, I do feel a hair "lighter", not such a heaviness in my heart. About a week or two before I will feel something significant.

D called me back, to apologize maybe, in his own way. Have I mentioned that I hate D as much as I love him. Thinking about our sick relationship, seeing my mother in myself, how she would let my father emotional abuse her and she would give him EVERYTHING. And she still does, and when he is stressing he is not nice to her and she is crushed They have been living like that for over 30 years. . I see this sick pattern, why cant I stop it. I see the effects on my health on my spirit on my mind. I dont know what will eventually change my life, i dont know what event will catapult me into seeing things for what they are. Maybe I will too be clouded by my love for the rest of my life.

I try to think of my life in terms of "if I died today". If I died today what would I regret? miss?forgive? who would I love?

At the end of the day, all the other shit does not matter, it only matters what I did. Did I make the people I love feel loved? Did I love them with everything I have, did I sacrifice for them, will they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I loved them. Did I help the ones I love, did I hold them up when they were weak?

I took tomorrow off of work, mental health day. Starting to feel more creative again after a few week lull, I am so interested in writing, I cant quite get myself organized. I really need to come up with a game plan on that. Times is just slipping away from me.

I do feel less burdened now. I love this blog.

I had to tell D about my surgery the other day. I had lab-band surgery a little over a year ago. I had it when he was in the islands and when he came back and saw the scar, he asked, I ignored the question and we moved on. D has been impatient with me with my relentlessness to get pregnant. He did not understand my urgency at all. For some reason when he called me, I was watching my daughters gymnastics class, and it came up. He asked me to tell him the reason for the urgency. I did not want to, I told him I was embarrassed, because I was. D does not like that kind of thing. If he knew I was planning on getting the surgery he would have stopped me. I have lost a lot, but I need and want to loose more. Right now to loose weight I need a fill ( tightens the band to restrict intake cost $300) To get pregnant I need to have an unfill ( procedure that loosens the band cost $300). So I have not gotten a fill since aug because i have been trying to get preg that long. first with my husband, then with d. I dont want to waste time not loosing weight or not being pregnant. I need to be working on one of these goals. Futhermore I can easily drop 15 pounds in 2 weeks with the band just the way it is but that will most likely fuck up my ovulation, so I am trying the slow and steady but it is getting me no where. Crying a little I told D this. Then I kept going. I told him I need certain medication function at my best and I have not been taking it since aug. he quickly interrupted me and said you dont need that shit, you need to keep your mind strong. The facts, ladies and gentlemen, is that I need it half of the time. I surrendered to that fact, the second time I was in the pych. hospital. I told him all of these things as he listened to me intently on the phone. I stood among the proud parents watching our babies in gymnastics, pulling my sunglasses down to my eyes to hide the tears that were flowing. I dont know what his response was I did not remember, but I felt very too vulnerable for words.

I love D as much as I hate him. That conversation was too much. And so was the soul sucking depression that followed. Not that I am blaming him, or one conversation. The shit just hit the fan.... and I emailed my psychiatrist with my proposed plan of action, and began to take an anti depressant. I surrender, again. I cant not control anything so I need to stop trying. I am going to make an appointment for a fill. And if the way things go all the time in life, as soon as I pay $300 for a fill, I will be pregnant and need and unfill.

I am pretty sure there were a lot of mistakes in that. Hope you could follow it. I still dont like to proof read, I dont have the balls to publish it if I re read it.

I made it to Friday, and I am enjoying some alone time in my home. Feeling pretty good, but really missing some submission. I miss the bondage and relinquishing control and I hope to fit some of that into my schedule soon. Never in my life would I think I would need to schedule that kind of thing, and yet here I am scheduling my sex, my submission, my every second. And I am sure when my baby leaves home and I have all the free time I ever would want, I will miss it. So I am try not to get too impatient.

Everything has been ok, so I almost have nothing to write. My mind is easing up on me a bit, sleeping better, feeling better, maybe I am as close to normal as I will get. Work has been brutal, I have always been very good at keeping a line in work and not bringing the tragedies of what I deal with home, but a couple times this week it has woke me up at night.

Just to ease your minds, D is fine, and things just are good, and I am not trying to over think that. I dont have any alone time this weekend, so I guess there will be no fucking for me. I will see if I can hang in there.

I want to be one of those people who go out in life and take what I want, not sit around and wait to see what life has to offer me.

This is what I found myself saying tonight to a friend of mine. And perhaps that is the reason for my unhappiness, my relentless searching, my unending analyzation. I feel like sometimes I am sitting around waiting to see what comes my way, instead of seeking and seizing what I want.

And as I think of the things I want to do like

-go back to school for law, and even if I never become a lawyer to get to a place where I can more effectively advocate for human rights.

- create a non profit that I can feel good about that helps people that gives me the opportunity to take the most vulnerable people in our society and give them a safe haven

-live with my island man in sweet Dom/sub style and give myself to him

-hold my head high at my choices and not allow my family to sway me

-to express my love for people freely, verbally & physically

-to raise a social consciences children with compassion that will change our world

-change my appearance creating the body I desire, not accepting the one I created

These are the things I want but I do not grab them, I barely walk toward them anymore. This is what I want from my life. I do not want to leave this earth with out making a impact on people. While in my job I have huge opportunities to help people and I do, it is not what I envisioned as my ultimate goal. ( A older woman I respect at work today asks me " You content with your job"? She has no idea how the question will now haunt me, or was she trying to motivate me). I loose my way so much. I get on track, I am motivated and ready to attack my life with passion and tenacity, and like a tornado, the distractions take me away from where I want to be. Sometimes the sheer exhaustion of motherhood is about all I can muster, and if I do nothing but raise an asset to society have I succeeded?

Perhaps this is why I seek dick so much, all this philosophical shit mind numbing, and the dick will distract me and keep me salivating for it. There is no time for anything else.

In the process of laying my soul on the pages of the blog, people have gotten to know me, and I am astounded as to how many people are so shocked that I am smart. Let me say I know I do not always make good "smart" choices, but I am an educated women with a lot to offer the world. I realize when I give myself the name "njsubmissivegirl" I diminish myself, sexualizing myself and giving the impression I am not intelligent.

I need to go, too deep tonight.

D called me today. He called me to see what I was doing and if I could come by. After telling him the sad news that I had my period, it was a no go. Although he wanted to fuck me anyway, I just could not go there tonight. Other than being too tired (as always) and too many things to do, I was not into what that would look like. Not tonight anyway.

Our hour long conversation moved along with little effort tonight. I could really understand 90% of what he said, which is good considering most phone conversations I get 50, maybe 60% of what he is saying. A big part why I dont talk too long on the phone with him.

We talked about our daughter, how she feels about him and how I feel about her seeing him. We talked about discipline and guidance for our little girl.

We talked about my marriage, how unhappy I am right now and how I feel so lonely I just want to wake up in the arms of my man. (after he had fucked me of course).

He asked exactly when I got my period, for some reason he always has a good idea about what part of my cycle I am in, that shit still blows my mind. Is he tracking this shit? I told him about my need to be pregnant and my need for all of his time during ovulation.

He told me about jobs he was considering. I told him I would follow him anywhere. When he asked me if I would go, not being too seriously, I think he anticipated my wavering and my excuses, but he got none. He got a self assured very confident, I will follow you anywhere.

We talked about my control issues, how I control my husband and how I can not control him. There is no manipulation or control of him. He is swayed by none.

It felt good to reconnect. I have missed him so much. He has always been my friend. We used to talk for hours and hours, about everything. That has been lacking in our relationship and it was just so damm good to have it tonight, if only for tonight.

And the conversation paused for a second, and he said "the sex was good the other night, wasn't it". Hell yes it was good. It was the raw, instinctual pleasure of all of it. That would have been the same kind of sex we would have had if we were living in the jungle together. Just so damm raw and filled with animal like abandon. I was top of him, something I dont love, but I did fuck him till he came ( like only the 2nd I have ever done that). That was good. I did really like having that power, watching his face while I made him cum. Then jumping off his dick and sucking it clean. There is something so hot about sucking his and my cum of his dick. God I love it.

This week has always been one of self care for me. When you are out chasing dick 24 out of 30 days, you need a few days to take care of yourself. Tonight, I was cooking and baking for my family. I spent all evening in the kitchen finally just sitting down, but it makes me feel good. I like to take care of my family, I like to make sure they have everything they need and want.

I have been noticing more moments of peace than I used to. Maybe calling them out, acknowledging them and cherishing them is helping.

I have (had) a handmade bowl I would used when doing my smudging ceremony. Smudging' is the common name given to the Sacred Smoke Bowl Blessing, a powerful cleansing technique from the Native American tradition. So walking past the table it was on yesterday, it was like the damm thing jumped off the table fell to the floor and shattered. And there it was the ashes the sage the very special bowl all over the floor in a million pieces. It disturbed me. I stood in disbelief almost in tears looking at the pieces all around me, spinning in circles not knowing which direction to clean up first. I felt lost with out it. A metaphor of my life perhaps..

Well, I got my period this morning, 2 days early at that. I am ok, not too sad. I knew it was coming yesterday, I can just feel it. Frustrated would be a good word, all those years using spermicide, pulling out, stressing and getting pregnant is just not as easy as I would hope. I know we are both fertile and I just have to wait as statics say most couples will get pregnant in 6 months of trying. So in two weeks I will trying again. This was only the second cycle of no birth control.

So I guess I have a week off, lol. No dick for me this week. It is kind of sad I almost don't even know what I will do with myself all week. I really wish I would have taken the initiative to get some yesterday.

I finally feel good. I woke up early this morning and I am feeling good for the first time in a long time. I have even already been out to run my errand and buy the groceries. I am feeling so good. On my way home I was in my car, jamming to some reggae smiling hard.

I even want to fuck today, that is a nice switch. I dont know if it will happen, but I really want it. It is good to have that feeling of needing some cock back. I worry when it goes away it will go for too long.

I still awaiting my period, would better if I would get a positive pregnancy test. I dont know how I feel on that. Pregnancy symptoms are often the same and period symptoms and a women who is trying to conceive can have her mind play some cruel jokes on her. My tits are swollen though. That is not something I can imagine. They are bigger and sore, and my nipples are always hard. I want someone to suck on them, fondle them, squeeze them, just play with them for a long time. I even love how it feels when I touch them. And I do all the time. Every time I walk into the bathroom, I am lifting my bra up and looking at them. I love the way they are looking, big and full, nipples big and hard, and I touch them and look and them and stand grinning. I am defiantly feeling more relaxed then I have been about getting pregnant. I am not anxious or obsessive about it like last month. I am okay either way it goes.

Busy sunday afternoon today, so I need to get started. Looking forward to sharing some good stories soon.

Two steps forward and one step back. I wish I could say I woke up this morning feeling happy, but the sad truth is my husband is more than I can tolerate sometimes and he has taken me to a bad place this morning. A place where I just want to pack my shit and go.

I was out very late last night with D. I did not get home til 4:30ish this morning and I am very sleep deprived. I was going to sleep in but my husband is incapable to taking care of my daughter and getting her ready so she looks nice going out the door. My head hurts and my eyes are swollen. I hate my husband right now. I am having trouble with some recent news from the doctor that the fertility issues and the sexual dysfunction issue are not really treatable and it kinda will be like this forever. This did not seem to bother him, but it bothered me a lot. I guess at some point in my life I thought he would go to the doctor get all fixed up and we would eventually get our sex life back where it was. Apparently that will never happen. So the reality of never having a "normal" sex life has gotten to me. I have been really overwhelmed and angry about that. I just so badly want a normal fucking marriage. And laying in bed with D last night that all comes to the forefront of my mind, as he holds me and we sleep. Am I ok with only getting this in the room of a cheap motel for the rest of my life? Painfully I know that I am not, but too many variables at this time to think about. I am beyond sad on that note and then to wake up on a saturday morning and get into a huge fight was not how I envisioned my weekend going. Life should not be this hard.

On my way to see D, I was indifferent, not caring if I saw him or did not see him. Patient and relaxed and enjoyed every second of the solitude. When we got there he look different to me. His hair was longer, he was "cleaned up". Most of the time we are both coming right from work and the pair of us tend to be a little on the rough side. He works with his hands and will have his work boots and clothes on and will have a scent of a working man. This is not a bad scent, not odor either, just a scent that makes me hot. But tonight he was a little more clean cut, wearing sneakers, I think I have only seen this happen 2x in years. I had on my yoga pants and t shirt. He says to me on the phone a comment about me fucking someone else, I ignore and move on. He walks into the room and say the same thing. I ask about his feelings on this and just says "it is just a feeling I have". There is so much I want to say at this second. SO MUCH!. I want to confess how I get weak and how I worry and make everything into a worst case scenario. I want to tell him, if he would only keep me in check a little more often and not get lost I would be forever faithful. If he would assure me of my place in his life, I would never stray and that their would be no temptations I could not weather. I said none of those things. I dont remember what I did say, but I do know D will keep an eye on me. He does have his ways.

I heard that warning loud and clear.

Maybe he sees the behavior in me, or maybe he saw I stopped calling him too. I dont call or talk to anyone for the last week or two

We talk about something, as I lay next to him, resting my head on his chest. I begin to cry while i talk, tears poured from me, I could not even help it. I kept talking, trying to hide the crying. He told me things I already knew about him, but it is like he just discovered it for his self. I did feel more connected, and I dont know if loved is the right word, but I feel strong about my place in his life.

Of course he fucked me over and over again, and his cum is still dripping from my cunt this morning. I did not tape it. I just did not care. We had the lights out and we just did what we do best with no interruptions.

So the manic nymph has left the building leaving me behind to pick up the pieces. I have pretty much secluded myself at this point. It just feel easier to me right now. Tried to proof read this a little, cuz I dont feel like things are flowing today, but my head hurts too bad. Going back to bed. !

It is the week of my birthday. It is also the week before I get my period or the week before I find out I am pregnant, and it is also about a week into my mood shift. This has been a difficult week for me. I do not love my birthdays, they always make me more emotional than I would like, causing me to examine and re examine every choice, every failure, every regret in my life. I look back through the years, often as years lost, and sometimes feel like my life is slipping away from me before I have ever figured out how to manage it. I don't like celebrations so much, because I usually spend the whole time fighting back some tears, but since I have had a daughter who loves birthdays, they too have become more about her enjoyment then mine. So we will do the cake and all the other nonsense. Maybe I have a little PMS or maybe a little severe exhaustion, or maybe it is just the birthday, but i am just sad. Teary eyed and exhausted, but I am making it through and really looking forward to a long weekend.

I spent my day in a training. A training so intently boring a few times my head fell forward waking myself up. I tried everything in this all white college classroom to amuse myself. I counted ceiling tiles, i counted floor tiles, i counted desks, I counted the little specks of color on my desk. I took a walk down hallway to try to revive myself and saw to black security guards, and then I had a whole knew source of entertainment. ( If i was feeling a bit more sexy, and bit more sexual, I would have at least gotten a number, but I could not even make eye contact today). I go into the classroom, and stare directly at the board and day dream.

In my head, I line up all the men I have had sex with, and they are all naked, and their dicks are all hard. So I am at my desk smiling as I blankly stare in the board. Those images of those men with their big black cocks, stiff and waiting in a line for me was very entertaining, but did not take me through the whole training. So then I am now gazing out the window, I black man in a hat is walking toward the building. So I begin to imagine that this is D, and all the possiblities that could arise from his being here. I imagine him knocking on the door and asking to see me, and me beaming as I exit the class room, and we begin to make out in the hall way like we had not seen each other in years. I imagine him busting in the door and professing his love to me in the middle of the training and asking me to marry him or move away with him. I must say this fantasy never really took off as I could not really get into it. I did get into the fantasy of D waiting for me outside of the door and escorting me to an empty classroom where he pulls my pants down to my ankles and fucks me while I am bent over a desk.

I will be in bed again before 9pm again tonight, in hopes of trying to shake this feeling that my body with just collapse at any second. All the people I have been so intently talking with and flirting with fantasizing with are starting to feel slighted. And so it goes in my life.

I was in Wal-mart yesterday. Not my usual one, but one a ways from my house. I walked in and it was like heaven, black man after black man, all looking very nice. And like the sound of an angel I hear a black man with a thick island accent standing behind me, talking to another man with a nice accent. Like a push of a button I am instantly turned on. With my daughters hand in mine, I press on, not the right time I kept telling myself as I desperately tried to listen to his soothing voice as long as I could.

Today was better then the last few weeks have been, work while difficult, had some fun moments today. I needed that - I need to remember why I do the work I do, today helped me remember that.

This Valentine's Day my husband is out at a doctor appointment to address the infertility issues, I am home with my baby girl, making cookies and enjoying the evening catching up on housework. My husband at least had my daughter make me a card. You may not believe this but I would really prefer no cards, no gift and no excitement. My poor husband has always tried to "Wow" me at holidays, and in the like 15 years we have been together he manage to delight me one time.... with a sewing machine. That was the best gift ever. He has gotten me diamonds, and jewelry, broadway tickets, electronics, flowers, anything you can imagine. It was that gift, the sewing machine that meant so much to me. I have always wanted one of my own but could never justify buying one when i don't sew that often. I would just over to my moms and take care of my sewing projects. I was so surprised he researched it, and chose exactly what I needed. When I opened it I cried, and I am tearing up now recalling it. It is like the first time he understood what I wanted. That was last Christmas. It took a long time for him to get it. He kept trying the old stand by gifts wives are suppose to want, and I would smile and thank him but more often then not they would go back to the store. So even though my husband will never see this, I love him for that, for finally getting me. And I love him for supporting me and loving our daughter from day one as his own and protecting her with everything he has. I love him for not fencing me and not trying to make me into something I am not. I love him that he will take care of me even when I am rude and nasty to him, and he will continue to accept my apologies. Most of all I love him for allowing me live and learn and when I fall being there to help me back up.

I will not say any of those things to him tonight. I can not really say why, just too many emotions I am not really up for it tonight.

And while the man I love tonight will never be able to share my sexual desires and never be my sexual partner again, our love is no less real or strong as anyone else's. And for the other man i love, our love will never be whole and supporting but rather lustful and distracting, but no less real or strong.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

This weekend seem to be never ending, and that is not a good thing. I just returned home for a four hour birthday party for a close friends son who is four, and who was there but my boss. That one caught me by surprise. Did I mention a four hour birthday party for a four old... and it was an hour and 15 minute drive from my house.

Looking forward to some peace this week, going to try to go to bed early again tonight, and wake up refreshed. I am still so tired. I can't help but hope this extreme exhaustion is a symptom that I am pregnant. I did have that kind of exhaustion last time, so I quietly hope this is the same thing. Still have at least a week before I know, and the wait begins again.

I thought I would finally take the advice of my best friend and "fall back bitch". This is what I have done. Falling back into my most important role and a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, and employee, and let the slave, the slut, the submissive take a breather. Just a breather not a retirement.

I have been so exhausted this week, falling asleep with no effort, drifting away during work. I cant shake it.

So I received a comment about the possibility of my having "manic- depressive disorder". I thought I did cover that, but it maybe very long ago. I do (now called Bipolar D/o). I was diagnosed at 16, did not medicate at all till I was 23 and was hospitalized for 3 days, and again 6 months later for 2 days. Even then medication is not my first line of defense ever! Anti-psychotic medication has severe side effects that I am not usually willing to tolerate. I have only needed them for about total of maybe 3 months in the last 10 years. I found a fabulous progressive doctor who allows me to treat symptoms as needed. And I dont need it often. I would have taken the meds this last round but the idea of trying to get pregnant it just was not an option for me unless I felt like I need to take them or be hospitalized. And yes in fact my being in "heat" is mania or hypo mania for me. The last time I was some form of manic was september 2009, and it lasted about 2 months. So that is kinda where my cycle of moods is. I cycle much slower then I used to, i know what triggers the mood shift most of the time (for me it tends to be seasonal changes, usually peaking in October and April and lasting 2 to 3 months at a time. ) I have never had suicide attempts of homicidal behavior, never involenatry committed. I usually have significant difficulty with money, food, and sex and sleep. Money I see subtle issues with but no more buying cars (only needed to live that dream once) while manic. Food - I eat nothing for days to be followed by everything for days. Sex - I fuck as much as I can, seek out extreme and dangerous situations. Sleep - I dont! Lack of sleep can lead to so many issues. So in reference to is the blog helpful or would one on one therapy be more appropriate.... I have done many years of one on one therapy. It is very helpful and I have learned many different things to keep myself in check and self assess the situation I am in. At this point, I am all talked out, because I know my thoughts are fleeting. And depending on the day there is not real reason to keep analyzing. The blog on the other hand helps me see what I did that maybe I did not like. Sometimes during very manic times I will say things and fuck people and not really fully remember the words and not remember the attraction or reasoning for fucking. But here is all is the good the bad and ugly. And if it I enjoy it and i get any satisfaction from it then I say Yah for me!. Some people with Bipolar have religous preoccupations, some have grandiose delusions that they are way better at everything then they really are, some are sexually preoccupied! We all have our burdens to bear in life. Having said all that, lets think about the degree of severity. On a scale of 1 to 10 ( 10 being hospitalized) at age 16 I was at a 3 at age 22 I was at an 7 and now I would put it at 4 right now, falling back to a 2 soon as I level out a bit. So I know the any mental illness have very negative stigma around it... so does being a whore, but it is was it is. I dont self-medicated with alcohol or drugs, I openly address my feelings and use things like meditation to cope if I need to. The people in my life, know and understand this about me, and they learn that this is who I am. Sometimes it means I end up apologizes for things I say or do a little more then I would like but in the scheme of life that is not that bad. My maternal grandmother was not diagnosed but she had it. Does that mean my daughter will have it. No it does not. Here genes my give her a higher predisposition to developing it, but there is usually a significant trauma in someone's life that will cause the ball rolling so to speak. For me it was the neighbor down the street, 6 years older then me, who molested and attempted to rape me repeatedly, couple that with the most emotionally unforgiving stress soaked "home" you could imagine. (My dad was an alcoholic who was not loving at all, and ignored me whenever he was irritated, unhappy or anything with me, and my mom had a brain tumor they later found that was causing some bizarre behavior (to say the least). Careful to understand, I am not complaining or looking for sympathy. Just wanted to clear it all up.

Now for the record, just because I am a severe whore when i am manic does not mean that part of me is not real. I am almost as bad when I am not manic too. :)

I had a lot of work to do today. I spent the entire day catching up on things and completing everything I needed for the rest of this month. I was ahead of the game.. .until I discovered some uncompleted work, well a lot of uncompleted work. The undone work was not my problem, but someone else dropped the ball, and it now fell on me. I lost it, I began to loose it inside, and then my boss walked in. I just started talking and I did not stop, telling her how she did not do her work for the last year and now I had no choice but to pick up the pieces. Letting her know I did not appreciate this being dumped on me because she did not know how to do it. She listened to me, with her dead behind the eyes look on her face, and nodded her head. She walked out saying nothing and I started to cry. Work has been so bad lately, I dont know how I have not had a break down sooner.

Then comes home. I begin to write a response to the comment in reference to the use of the n word a few post back, and I start to cry. Feeling a little like my daddy yelled at me. Part of my email to him was....

I hear your points, and I was very unsure of its use, and if I would have had more time to write and email that day, I would have asked you about it. . And again I think it was me not loving the feeling of being corrected is what sparked my over analyzation of your email and my irritation. Sometimes I am feeling very vulnerable about things I write and it hard to submit sometimes, it very personal to me I guess, and just felt like messed up. I hate that, I dont ever want to mess up anything and that is what that felt like to me. Please know that I am being really sincere here and that it takes quite a bit of self realization to admit these very unattractive qualities about myself. I know baggage, because I got so much of my own. It was much less about the word then it was the bad feelings I got. That is what makes me a good sub, I would do anything not to disappoint.

I think that was the main issue, the feeling of unworthiness, or not being good enough. And in some sick twisted way I take pride in being good at what I do, be that sucking dick, fucking dick, or just being a sex object. I desire to please people on a very child like level. While I found that desire to please does not really help me in real life, pleasing people with sex has fulfilled a place in me that craves men to tell me I am doing a good job and I am good enough, that they like me. I know this is obviously a direct result of my relationship with my father, who at times does not even acknowledge my existence when I walk into a room. A man who only loved me when I was the best at what I did and if i messed up or did not do as he asked I was ignored and not loved. Enter the reason why I did not want D to be a full time father figure in my daughters life. My husband is a kind and loving man, I want my daughter to love a father like that. Not D who selfish and harsh, leading with dominance rather then love.

This experience has really shook me. I was not expecting such harsh realizations about myself this evening.

I stood in my kitchen crying some more, begging my husband to love me. To touch me, to give me some kind of affection. He begged me to go see my psychiatrist. He did not hug me. In fact all he did was back off a bit and stop bickering with me, but continues to ignore me. He cant understand the things I go through - be it self inflicted or not. He is at a loss as to why life is so hard for me and why I make it so difficult.. I am at a loss as well. I do not know any other way. I do need to see my doctor, but not yet I refuse to admit defeat. I will always have this struggle with myself, and I will need to learn to cope with it. I am not willing to take a pill whenever life gets too hard.

How does this man look at me crying and asking for love and not give it to me? I already know though, I push him away, even if he were to come to me I would push him away.

Next, he asks me about D. OMG does he really feel like this is an appropriate time, as I am crying. I dont want to talk about D. I tell him that, he asked me if he was going home. My response " I dont know what he is doing, I am not his wife, I dont know. You know he is different then us dont you? You know he just wanders through life thinking of himself first and never planning for anything. He might be home or might be in brooklyn he might be in south jersey or north jersey, or south carolina or texas, I dont fucking know what he is doing"

His response " welll are you trying to get pregnant"? with this tone that said much more. UGH. I had no response.

I am falling asleep while I am typing, looks like I will be in bed at 8 again tonight. I needed that cry today.

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A few things on my mind today.

First off, in my car today driving to work, I found myself praying to God to please take this man out of my life. "Please god take him away from me, I can not continue this struggle, show me a different way." I prayed to God that he would take D away from me, because I can not continue this crazy obsession and denial of my own feelings and worth. So that is where I am at with that.

Second, I am serious need of regrouping. I feel like I am just hanging on to everything. I still have an OVERWHELMING urge to pick up my family and leave. Leave everything behind and start over. Relationship are failing all around me, some are flourishing but most are failing. I am familiar with this feeling I know I have done it myself. I feel like it is my struggle in my life, and I have really become to manage myself and my feelings so much better then when I was in my late teens / early twenties. Mania and depression with fuck a persons life up. I have been accused of excuses in life, not an excuse! I am learning. I have learned, I have mastered so many challenges so far and I know I have many more to go but I am here to learn. I live, I examine and I learn. Do I backslide... YES! I am trying so hard to use everything in my arsenal to help myself. My brain, my friends, my God, my prayer, my meditation. And am not bad all in all. It has been so much worse before.

Third, So I was writing a post for the slut blog and I used the n word. I got an email that it was changed because because encourage this word in common place in not something they would want. HMMMM I have to say that this has had me thinking today. I understand changing it and I was going to ask him if it was too much anyway, I would never want to offend anyone.

However, it is a word that is used in my sex life often. I would never say it until a few months ago. If I need to be called a dirty white whore to cum, well then who am I to deny him what he wants by not calling him a racial slur. So I guess what is bothering me is why is it ok to encourage "white whore" in commonplace. It is all just words, just words. My rant for the day. I think about things WAY too much sometimes. I said it and I need to let it go.

Fourth I so wish for someone to hold me tonight. I need someone to hold me. I am looking across at my husband as I type this. Feeling like crying, why will this man not love me like his wife, why will this man do anything for me but what give me physical love and attention. He smiles at me, making a silly face at me as now I am glaring at him, I love him but dam I could kick him in his face right now for being such a pussy and allowing me to control him.

The last thought of my day. If you choose to come into my world, read my blog, live my adventures through my words, feel what I feel, and know what I know, do not judge me for it. You all get unrestricted access to my soul, things that otherwise would never be said to anyone ever, secrets, and scary and sometime shameful thoughts. Come in read, and please leave me to my own demons.

There is this Jamaican guy I have know for about 4 years. He is tall and thin and very mellow. He has never been a great fuck. The first time we did it, it was very bad, but at least he knew it and I did not have to pretend. Over the years though, I have been continued to be drawn to him. Last Night was no different. I would have preferred D sex and sperm last night, but his crazy train is out of the station.

He comes in and always hugs me. I have never really like this much touching, but I have grown accustomed to him hugging me. We talk a while, as we stand in my kitchen be wearing a night shirt just covering my ass. If feels good to talk. I ask him how he feels about cameras, he is not into that, explaining to me he is a "rasta man" and likes things natural. So as he says and explains that to me, I say to myself. Wait a second that is who I am. Videotaping is not unnatural. In truth he made me feel a little ashamed of myself. A little like a freak. He saw that on my face and pulled me to him, Im not standing before him, and he slides his fingers into my pussy.

He slides he dick in me and fucks me gently, and comes in about 1 minute. We start to talk after that. I am not mad about that, I am really enjoying his company. We talk for about and hour about who we love and why, our families, are dreams and the "stucky" parts of our life. I move close to him on the couch and he holds be for awhile, as I rest my head on his shoulder. So unnatural this scene of me in my house with this half naked rasta man holding me, but I am so at peace. I do not love this man, nor does he love me, but we as people needed some love. Before long his dick was hard again. This time it lasted much longer.

It was rock hard, and he was pumping it hard into me. This 140 lb slender tall man who usually feels insignificant to me, was pounding my pussy and making his body feel twice its weight with each thrust. He got a nice rhythm down, thrusting like he was trying to hit the beats of a song. I think he must of fucked me for 40 mins like that. I was not particularly active, I stayed on my knees most of the time, riding the waves of orgasm that continued to wash over me. He told me to get on my back and he laid on top of me, held me and fucked me. I almost kissed him. Not something we ever have done, but that kind of feeling was there. I quickly stopped myself from those feelings and got back into just feeling the dick. He finally came, got dressed, hugged me, and left.

Today I will acknowledge the peace I have felt. I am unsure why I feel this peace, but I do. The blissful contentment, that my coworkers tell me I look "high" from. I feel so content. There are things left undone, and D as always rides his crazy coaster, but for today i am unaffected. No one or nothing has been able to bring me off my cloud of happiness. I am looking forward to some peace tomorrow and the rest of week and the rest my life.

Yesterday, the fun in the woods, it really made me happy. It made me happy to be outside, made me happy to be with L, it made me happy to feel his dick in me. It was so low stress, in fact my only stress was the mud on my shoes and not falling over while he slammed his dick in my cunt. That is the kind of stress I can handle.

I am going to have some more stress free fun tonight. I owe myself.

Talking to a co worker today, she asks me what it is about D that I love, as she says "he seems kind of beat". Very much like a light bulb going off above my head, I say the following.

"I love him because I can not manipulate him. I can make anyone do anything I want, and sometimes it is nice to not have someone at my beck and call and not trying to make me happy. When he is with me I know it is for no other reason then he wants to be with me. He really wants to be with me, and I know that to be true because he only does what he wants, and he can not be manipulated, coaxed, or persuaded by anything. Not even the pussy will get me my way."

And there it is. Most people men and women are easily swayed by me. Again, I am such a leader every where I go, I dont want to lead, or get people to follow me sometimes. I told my co worker how when I first met D it was different that he was not so dominate with me, but I have created a monster and now I cant take it back.

I have even begun to look into other sperm donors. I need to honor myself at some point and not continue to allow this mans instability to rob me of my happiness. So I am going to have a plan B. A firm plan B. So when I have had enough I can switch gears with out disrupting everything.

On the up side I am feeling a little better. No more fever and just a little cough left, but now my daughter is sick. Praying for her speedy recovery and to my life starting to resemble normal again.

I needed dick for this weekend or I was going to be pissed. I was talking to L. L is a guy, born on an island, so I am naturally attracted to him. Ihave known L for about 4 years now. I wanted to see him. We have met before at the car wash, at night, him fucking me as I am bent over leaning into his truck. Today I needed it now, in the middle of the afternoon, I just did not care who saw. I want my bare ass in the cold air as he fucks me with his hot dick.

We got to the car wash and he looked GOOD to me. He looked very rustic, with more facial hair then I ever remember him having, hair a little longer then i ever remember seeing. He seemed confident and sexy. I wanted him. Of course the usually remote car wash has become to busy to fuck at. He gets in his truck I follow him to the park.

It is the middle of the day, and we get out at the park, a park with hiking trails right off the main highway. It is muddy and snowy, and we start walking. I can just imagine what the people watching this white girl and black man are thinking as we disappear into the woods.

We walk, talking and I was rubbing his dick through his pants as we talk. I am happy to stop at the first table or bench we find, as we are clearly the only people playing in the park today. He wants to walk, he wants to walk for like 20 minutes.

I hold onto his arm so I dont fall, but I want him today. I want to kiss him, and roll around in this snow with him, I want his lips on my nipples and want him inside of me and I envision us naked and fucking passionately. I just really want him. I usually want to fuck him but today I wanted him.

We finally found a tree suitable to hold on to while I bent over. I pull my pants down to show him my lacy panties, he seemed to like them, which made me happy to hear him say that. He bent down and spit on my pussy and slid his dick into my waiting pussy.

Bent over, holding on to a tree, he fucked me. Ahhh he fucked me, it was so good. I did not care where we were, soon he was calling me a dirty bitch and told him to fuck me with his nigger dick (That is something I was never comfortable saying, but I say it he will cum very quick. He loves it, and will tells me to say it). It is not easy to bend over and take dick like that, so I started to try to make him cum and I know he likes me to to talk dirty. I did my best and he starts to cum.

I make him take a quick pic of me, and we begin to exit the woods. It was just what I needed today

Last night I had to succumb the illness. My doctor now tells me "maybe you just have the flu". Just the flu - I feel bad. Bad enough I could not get some black cum in my pussy while I know I am ovulation. You know I must feel bad. I angrily and resentfully stayed in my bed, every hour reassessing how I felt. There was no way I could drive, and frankly if D was right in front of me, I could spread my legs for him, but that was about it. I hate giving up.

This morning I am thinking about getting my seed, but still not feeling great. I called D and I am waiting for his return call to shift through any chance of getting this done today.

I whole weekend, wasted resting! That makes me angry.

I have still not had a chance to even look at the video from Thursday from d fucking me. Deep breaths.. i need to remember today. whatever will be will be... i can only control myself and no one else. I want to control people so badly sometimes. I actually thought seriously for a few moments about putting some kind of tracking device on D... but I guess he does not want to be "fenced" in any more then I do.

Everything will work out just how it is suppose to.

So I did make it up there to see him. At 7:50p. He was waiting for awhile for me. I got there and began to set up a camera because I am still optimistic that one day D will like the camera as much as I do. And when it becomes routine for use then he will become better at navigating it. As I set it up, he is looking at me undoing his belt, and taking off his pants. He wants to fuck me before we do anything. I want to talk about the camera angles then fuck. He wins. Ripping my pants and panties down in one quick movement. As I try to talk, he slaps me in my face as he is pushing his big black cock into my pussy. I will have to see how the videos look. I tried hard to get him into different angles, but I just need someone else to do the camera. He mentioned that too. Someone else being there seems like it might make him a little more intense. I think I might have to shop around for someone. Not quite sure how that will work, where would I look for someone just to work the cam...

Either way that is that. I am ovulating again, and I happily had my cunt filled with his seed, and plan to do it again tonight.

I am really drained from the weeks events and still dumfounded from it all. I should never be surprised by D because I know this is how he lives, and in the last 8 years this is NOT the first time he was going to move home again. Why am I ever surprised. His home will always be calling him when he is overwhelmed and stressed and feeling like he just cant do it anymore, just the same way my home calls me.

Other news I am so still irritated by my mother, who has apologized to me for the things she said to me last month, but I can not seem to connect with her. For many years she has been my best friend, but now when I call her, I am feel like I am forcing myself to talk to her, it does not flow easily. She hurt me, and I just lost a lot of feelings of trust I had. Why bother is kind of how I am feeling about our relationship.

This weekend is about re-cooperation and baby making for me. Although honestly, D is doing all the work, because I have no intention of doing much. LOL. I have has a horrible chest cold for like 2 weeks now, my husband and daughter both sick. So I planning on pretty much lying there on my back with my legs resting on his shoulders while he soothes me with his dick. I am sure he will have other plans, but frankly tonight I might just ask him to fuck me bent over the back seat of my car and then i can be on my way.

So I last left you with D in the airport, awaiting a flight to "home". How a few minutes can change everything. I don't want to get into his business, but for the time being he is here! Positive thinking does work or perhaps I just got lucky.

After a very long and stressful week. I needed to see him, and I was ovulating. And frankly I need to connect with him.

Thursday began at 4am and by the time I got the 4:30 dentist appointment, I really was exhausted. Exhaustion had never kept me from him. Driving home from the dentist to drop my daughter off and grab dinner we confirm plans. I optimistically tell him I will be there about 715. I get home and getting my daughter out of the car spill juice all over myself. I was almost in tears at this point. For one moment to get a visual of me, on 3 hours sleep on the 4th day of the work week, trying to get my daughter out of the car because she is sad and tired, wet from the juice and emotional exhausted from all the drama D added to my life this week.

Too exhausted to talk about last night now.

So as of now, my life fizzles down to a halt. In my home, with my family on the Friday evening, I take a deep breath, and go through the weeks events. I am a little cloudy and cant quite even wrap my head around it. Need some distance from all of this to comprehend what just happened here.

So this morning started out me feeling horrible, having a bad cold, and deciding work did not suit me today. In the car driving my daughter to the doctors, I think to myself, I am so proud of myself for not loosing it. Did we all know by now this was about D?

He told me last night he might be leaving for a month, in the country, then be back a week and leaving the the country for about 3 months. I was ok with it. I am learned to weather his storms of uncertainty, and nomad way of life over the last eight years. As I sat in my car, I reminded myself how everything will work out the way it is suppose to and if I just continue to put out the positive thoughts into the universe it will all be ok.

I was in Target again, wandering around with my daughter when I hear my phone ring, I knew it was D, by the special tone. He tells me in his very sad, yet resolved tone "I'm about to go home" what do you mean go home I say? Knowing full well what this means. He is going back to the island from which he came. My heart stops as he continues to talk about how he just cant do it anymore in this country, that things had once been just hard but now they are impossible. He reconciles his life neatly, pulling all ties from this country, telling me how his kids will continue to spend all summer in the islands with him. At this point I am in the restroom with my daughter who must sense the devastation i am experiencing because she will not stop trying to interrupt me. I am still smiling as this is all somewhat unbelievable to me. I say "So you are telling me if I am going to see you again it will have to be at your home..." I dont know if I ever said where D is from but I dont want to, feels a little like too much of who is really is would be exposed. "Yeah, pretty much" he says. So in my mind I go right to the baby I need to have, how am I to get pregnant by this man, if he is in another country. I start to cry and I stand in Target, my daughter now playing in the $1 section, happily distracted . I move my sunglass down to cover my tears. I start to panic, like i can not bear this pain. I say to him " I have to tell you this. I love you so much. ..." and some other things. I felt like I might be saying good bye forever. I had to lay it all out there. I gave him my email so he could contact me when he gets there... as we no phone calls are not cheap. And that was that. It all was wrapped up in about 35 mintues, he is waiting for a standby flight. There was no time for me to go see him.

I picked up the medication at the pharmacy, stonefaced, got int he car, and when my daughter fell asleep I began to sob. 65% of me is devastated, feeling like someone has ripped my heart out and wonders how I will ever live with out him. 25% of me is Relieved, can I now move on with my life, can I grieve for this man and our love and relationship that just was not meant to continue.i Can let it go, and begin to focus on other things again. 5% of me is indifferent feeling like this is the shit he does to himself and he needs to reap what he sows. And the last 5% of me is in disbelief, this cant be true. And I will not discuss the reasons as to why he needs to leave, but THIS CAN NOT BE TRUE!

I call him in the car, because it cant be true. And part of me wants to move there with him. And I begin to think of myself Can I move there with him? Could I take my daughter with me and live with this man in the island paradise? What would I do for work? Not sure if my proffession will transfer countries... What would my life look like.

Then I move to I can live it I visit 3x a year. At about $1000 a flight, I begin to die inside. I will need a second job to afford this. As my own life has been in financial ruin do to unemployment and $50,000 hit in annual earnings. Yes $50,000. How will I ever make it work. How will I ever get pregnant? Because I still need this mans baby. If my husband can not impregnate me I want him. The other man I love, I can not bear the thought of a strangers sperm..

Not to mention I have my own immigration issues, as I am not a natural born us citizen. It took me over a year to get my passport, and that needs to be updated and names changes due to marriage... it took me a year before 9/11. OMG I cant breathe.

So perhaps I am now to reap what i have sow. Is this karma? I am reminded that I can not control anything but myself. I can pray, I can send positive thoughts into the universe, I can curl up in my bed and cry until I have nothing left, I can suck it up and hold on to the things I love even harder now.

God I hope his next phone call to me, is telling me everything is Okay now. This is why I would never be able to be with this man... I can not accept the uncertainity in his life. I cant live like this. It is a never ending roller coaster

Calm, cool and collected. I am feeling quite together this evening. I got some dick this morning from young boy. I needed it, even though Young Boy got under my skin this morning. He was just a little too arrogant and he just had a little too much to say. He came too quick, and I have the video of me saying " No No Not yet" backing up when he said its coming. I was pissed! I came a few times but not nearly enough. I told him I was staying to make him hard again and he need to fuck me again. So I sucked it again till I got it hard. And he needed to fuck me again. He is not in love with my pussy like some men are, I dont get any of the ego stroking when i am there. We just fuck because it is so easy and drama free for both of us. We fuck, we cum, and I bounce. I usually just enjoy older men, they are not so arrogant.

It is was I needed. I walked into work, looking like I just been fucked, and feeling the bliss. So work was not too bad today.

I get a voicemail about 3p from D. A sad sounding D, telling me he is leaving this week. I know he was leaving soon, but I thought I had this next 2 weeks. He sounded so sad. On the phone and we talked for almost 45 minutes. I tried to tell him I loved him, but I could not. I really tried. I wish I could take all his troubles away, and when he gets back we are having some serious mediation and sage burning ceremonies to cleanse is spirit of negativity, cause something is not right there. I am a big believer in the spirits, karma, the universe with give you what you put out to it. I am not religious but I totally believe in a higher power and our power to change our lives with our thoughts. Im not pulling any punches, this man needs some karma healing.

But I am ok. His life is flowing and changing and I need to try to get adjusted to that. I will be pregnant when the time is right. I need to remember that there is no time limit on this and this will come exactly when it is suppose to. Sometimes I need to remember to surrender to the lack of control. Me worrying will not give me control!

FYI - I particularly enjoyed the comment from "D" nothing like making a my heart drop a second thinking my D has found my online diary. Too Funny!

Praying for the largest Ice Storm Ever so i can say in my house for the next 2 days and do nothing!