Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Been a long week or two, my daughter has been ill, but still not really sure what the problem is, maybe a new food allergy is where we are leaning. Parenting is hard. It is hard to love a child so much and have so little control, and little power to help them. So I took a lesson from an acceptance of mine who 1 year old is battling cancer, and just tried to make her happy as I could, comfort her as much as I could. And on the second night of sitting in the ER for hours, after working all day night sleeping for the second night and feeling sorry for myself being there alone, in a moment I felt like loosing it, I sucked it up, jumped up and played pretend with my daughter to keeps her smiling. Long week!

I did recently see my old Master. I have not seen in him in five years, since I was pregnant, and I have not been tied up in about six years. I was super nervous, but I need it. I walk into the house and he tells me where to go, and I go and I get on my knees. On my knees in front of him, I look at him and he looks very much the same, he leans over me, and I start to become over come with his scent and all the memories of the the intense feelings I have had with him. My breathing intensifies and I start to loose myself. He ties me up there in front of him, and on my knees, bound, I almost pass out. The feeling was inexplicable, but it is the reason I love that kind of submission. It is like mind and even body numbness, feeling no pain only pleasure.

He has known me for such a long time, it was a little weird going so far back, he pre-dates D. I think we were playing when I was 20, but mabye 21 22, either way at least 10 years. It really blew my mind. Still kind of reeling from it. And so I kinda felt like I was cheating on D. Yes cheating. I dont know why, perhaps because of my resolve to act how my heart feels. I dont know, I need a few more days to digest all of this.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My daughter is sick and I have need a couple days off of work but work has needed me as well and my daughter has been fine then not so fine hard call to make. Today I am in the car on my way to work, an hour late, crying and crying and crying. I had to let it all out. So stressful when your baby is sick and you can not fix it. Then I had a training for which i was a half hour late, and when I left I was really enjoying the drive alone in the car. Feeling the peace in my body and driving really slow to hold onto it. As I approach work I am reminded of the dick available to me just a mile down the street, and knowing my period is coming, I call him to see if "he has ten minutes". I walk in strip down, suck his dick and balls, get him had and make him moan a little, then I instruct to put the condom on, as I bend over on the bend. He fucked me for about 10 mins. and it was just what I needed. I could surely have down it all day but i cam like 3 times and I was mellow now. I got dressed in about 45 seconds, walked out the door, say "thank you for that, you made my day much better". That is what I am talking about. Cut and Dry no issues, suck fuck and see ya! All I want. I need one in every town.

Monday, March 21, 2011

So my weekend end plans to fuck never worked out. And this is why I do not invite a lot of new people into my life. It is unacceptable to make plans and then never respond back to a text. That goes beyond the level of tolerance that I have. My life is so scheduled and planned right down to every last detail, I dont have time for someone to dick around with my time. On the other hand it is not lost on me that I am not the easiest person to contact and I dont always respond back to people, but I have never ever made plans and not followed through. And more importantly I would never do that.

In a larger sense though perhaps it is just not meant to be. His not calling me back meant I was able to keep myself in check, and behave in a way my heart feels. Nonetheless, I have not been able to make myself cum, for some unknown reason, despite hours of trying. It has been a week since I have had some dick and I am feeling it. I am sure I am feeling the awful symptoms of pms so I am sure my period is right around the corner.

I was talking to my husband about having someone local to fuck me real quick as the reality of D leaving the country looms over my head. We do talk about these things, it is our life, as strange as it may sound. He did take the opportunity to mention there are plenty of white guys in our area. It made me laugh, because i dont even see that as a possibility.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Talking with my friend at work, who I have known for 3 years now friday afternoon. We always talks to me about D. She said what is it about D? And I say "He is my soulmate, I love him broke or with money, and he was not always broke, I love with or with out a job a home, with or with out teeth with or with out a giant dick, he is my soulmate". And with that she began to cry. She said "I never heard you say that, I have never been a fan of this relationship, but if you love him like that, you have to give it everything you have". I have given it everything I have, and now I need someone to meet me half way. He has been wanting to hang out tonight, but he is like 3 hours away, gas, tolls and a room, neither one of us can afford that. I have not told him no, because I can not even get the words out of my mouth, if he wants to see me I do not want to let him down. If money was no issue I would be there with him tonight, but I am here at home. And not that home is a bad place to be. I really had a nice day with my family, laughing and relaxing with my husband.

I miss submission in the worst way, and try to find it in my life daily. D was pulling on my nipples a little harder then I would have liked the other night, and in my head I tried to take the pain and surrender to it, and i did. Telling myself that this is what he wants to do I will allow him to do it. At first i twitched and screamed and then used that pain to fuel my orgasm. I love that kind of mind control, submission and even pain sometimes. Not pain for the sake of pain, but pain for the purpose of increasing the level of submission. It is easy to submit when things are exactly how you desire them to be. I sadly still trying to meet up with a master I have know for ever to get me into the sub space again.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

So this week is going well. I have some peace about me and some contentment. I held out for 2 weeks with out seeing anyone, and then D came to visit me. There was not a great connection while we were fucking I would not look him in the eye and I would not talk to him. I distanced myself a little bit. Through out the night it slowed from the olympic like fucking to the the love making. We had some talks about the uncertainty for his future of this country, I cried a little and grieved a little, and when he passed out face down in my bed from hours of fucking me, I rubbed his back, I admired his soft, gleaming dark skin and I thought about how unfair it is that love has so little to do with the harsh realities in life, and as the tears trickle down my face he wakes up and grabs my waist and pulls me to him and holds me as we sleep.

As sad as I was standing out my drive way in the rain with him, sending him off, making sure he had everything he needed, telling him to be careful, I wanted to be more to him then it is worldly possible. I can not take care of him like I want to. And I do wan to take care of him. Nothing would give me more joy then cooking for him, taking care of his kids, holding down the home, supporting him emotionally. Boosting him to greatness.

As I found myself saying to the girls at work last week, when I was questioned about my friendship with some one who they feel is "beneath" me. I said to them " Just because they grew up differently and look at the world differently then I do does not make them a bad person. It makes them different" And while I believe that with all my heart, it is apparent while friendship can be maintained from people with opposite ideas and upbringing, but love needs more I think. How can I give my life to you when you dont understand the magnitude of that, how can I trust you if you dont feel like some very important details are not important at all.

And so this morning I remind myself, D needs to stay in his compartment of my life. while it is fun and distracting to romanticize a life with him, it it not a life I would truly desire. At least from what I know now I dont think so. And if he asked me again today to come away with him, I am unsure of my answer, but if it meant loosing him I think I would rather leap into darkness with a possibility of finding the light, rather than standing on the sideline never knowing, never chasing my dream.

Moving along though, I am proud of myself for staying true to what my heart felt for at least 2 weeks. I do have some impulse control, but my heart no longer feels the need to show solidarity for someone who may or may not be living in this country in the next six months. I must still take care of myself. And I intend to.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Been down again with another cold. Talking to my mother today she reminds me I have been too stressed and this is the reason for my non stop illness this last 2 months. The stress is beginning to settle a bit and I am beginning to feel like I am in control of my mind and my body.

It has been almost 2 weeks since I spent the day with D and that was the last time my body was brought to orgasm. I have been thinking about my feelings of my heart wanting only D, but the reality is my body wants pleasure and it does not care where it comes from. I did make a half hearted attempt to go out to see someone, but it did not happen, not that I was even sure I wanted it. I tried to make myself cum, countless times, to no avail. I could not make it happen, no matter how hard I tried. I am happy to say I am feeling so normal and content in my relationship with D, and in the rest of my life.

I have been allowing myself be open and relaxed about getting pregnant. D says " It will happen when it will happen and not to worry about it". I finally am able to subscribe to that notation, and I have left it up to God's hands - as if I ever had control over it.

So when I am feeling content and relaxed I almost have nothing to say. I do hope to get it in this week and have some new videos too.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Still thinking about this being faithful thing. It is a concept that I have never been real fond of and something I have never done. Never. Not when I was 15 in my first relationship, not in my marriage, and not even my affair in my marriage. It feels kind of right to let things roll where they are at, and keep myself for one person. But I already know with out the ongoing dose of love and dick, I will need to move on, like a nomad in search of food.

Tonight, I am content. Thrilled with my choice to take the meds again, thankful for my life and the people in it, content and peaceful.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Been a few days since I had the urge to unburden my soul. I have been very satisfied and fulfilled, with my situation or place with D. In fact our time together last week filled my soul up, and I had no further desire for anything else. That feeling of being fulfilled made me think is it possible for me to be with one man? Perhaps one man could complete me.

So it has been a week since I have had some dick and tonight it is calling me. I think that is normal right? A week is a long time to go with out dick or some kind of sexual release. So I say to my friend tonight, "Maybe it is time I am faithful"? Perhaps this is not the best time considering I know D will be unavailable for a few weeks, but maybe I should give it a try. To act like I love the man I do, and act the way my heart feels. Something to think about.

I feel more confident in my love for D then I ever have been. I am been very real with myself and him lately. A lot of self exploration in regards to my life, my feelings for him and my husband and the things that make me happy in life.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I have been reliving my day playing house with D in my head. It made me feel so complete and content. He was looking through my drawers in my bedroom, and there were condoms there. I always have condoms everywhere. In my car, my purse, my bedroom, everywhere. I always have, because I would prefer never to be in a position where I need one and do not have one. He asked me what they were for with an annoyed look on his face and closed the drawer with some irritation. I said "Are you mad", he said "No I am not mad at all", and I could not tell really if he was or wasn't but I was ready to defend myself with everything I had. Like you can not leave for 6 months and expect me not to seek out other dick. I had my all my answers. We did not much talk about that though, he did say later in the day that I was sneaky and we would talk about that shit another time. I hang my head in shame. As we spend our day together everything in my life is on hold. Nothing else matters only him and I. This has got to be love because it can be nothing else.

Over beyond the emotional fulfillment, he fucked the shit out of me. We fucked everywhere in this house. The kitchen table, on it bent over it, the dining room, the living room, the bedroom, the den. He cock was rock hard all day, and it was in me almost all day.

My mind in really contemplating my happiness in my marriage, and my ability to manage my feelings. Part of me wants to leave my marriage because it exhausts me and leave me emotionally empty, and part of me thinks I will never leave because I am too scared. I feel like I am at an edge of a cliff and I dont know what to do. I have never been a jumper though, always a back up slowly type of a girl. It is not really about D, if I left my husband, D would not be living with me or even seeing me anymore then he is, it is not about d, but more about my inability to just settle or even tolerate some of the bullshit.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I had a day off, a day away from the world. I checked out of life and spent the entire day with D, in bed till about 4 then my daughter came home and we spent the evening playing and talking. Just what I needed. All I could do is thank him for spending the day with me. That meant a lot to me.
He just left and I am feeling very complete right now. He is going away for a few weeks, but I am ok. I am really ok! I so needed his day to relax and reconnect and fuck. I cant even get any other thoughts in my head, but peace and contentment. I am going to let this feeling ride.