So this week is going well. I have some peace about me and some contentment. I held out for 2 weeks with out seeing anyone, and then D came to visit me. There was not a great connection while we were fucking I would not look him in the eye and I would not talk to him. I distanced myself a little bit. Through out the night it slowed from the olympic like fucking to the the love making. We had some talks about the uncertainty for his future of this country, I cried a little and grieved a little, and when he passed out face down in my bed from hours of fucking me, I rubbed his back, I admired his soft, gleaming dark skin and I thought about how unfair it is that love has so little to do with the harsh realities in life, and as the tears trickle down my face he wakes up and grabs my waist and pulls me to him and holds me as we sleep.
As sad as I was standing out my drive way in the rain with him, sending him off, making sure he had everything he needed, telling him to be careful, I wanted to be more to him then it is worldly possible. I can not take care of him like I want to. And I do wan to take care of him. Nothing would give me more joy then cooking for him, taking care of his kids, holding down the home, supporting him emotionally. Boosting him to greatness.
As I found myself saying to the girls at work last week, when I was questioned about my friendship with some one who they feel is "beneath" me. I said to them " Just because they grew up differently and look at the world differently then I do does not make them a bad person. It makes them different" And while I believe that with all my heart, it is apparent while friendship can be maintained from people with opposite ideas and upbringing, but love needs more I think. How can I give my life to you when you dont understand the magnitude of that, how can I trust you if you dont feel like some very important details are not important at all.
And so this morning I remind myself, D needs to stay in his compartment of my life. while it is fun and distracting to romanticize a life with him, it it not a life I would truly desire. At least from what I know now I dont think so. And if he asked me again today to come away with him, I am unsure of my answer, but if it meant loosing him I think I would rather leap into darkness with a possibility of finding the light, rather than standing on the sideline never knowing, never chasing my dream.
Moving along though, I am proud of myself for staying true to what my heart felt for at least 2 weeks. I do have some impulse control, but my heart no longer feels the need to show solidarity for someone who may or may not be living in this country in the next six months. I must still take care of myself. And I intend to.