So what an exhausting day. I try to save all the errands for one trip to save on gas. Mall, BJ's, pool, lunch out, bakery, produce place, shoprite for odds and ends. On my mind all day is two images that will not leave my mind.

1. I saw an old Dom some time ago. Seen him 2x in the last few weeks, after not seeing him at all for 5 years, and not have a D/s relationship in probably 7 years. What brought me back? I missed the pain. So anyhow I had capris and flip flops on (that is important later) and he tied me up, spanked me, and tortured my body until I came over and over. As he ties me up I just kept talking. Like therapy about everything, he appears to be listening but I dont believe he really is, but I just about everything. Before I know I am tied spread eagle on the bed. I dont always understand some of the pleasures for Doms, especially those who do not have sex with their slave/sub. Anyhow most of the time i am blindfolded but not this time. He was using some kind of toy or device made for pleasure, and as he brought me to orgasm he stood back and smiled. So sincerely as my body writhed with pleasure, it made me happy to understand that my body twitching uncontrollably was enough to make him smile like that. Then I got dressed and ran out the door, later then I had planned on, to get into my car and noticed I still had the red impressions of the ankle restraints on me. It made me laugh to think, I comb my hair try to pull myself together and try to look like I am not a whore walking to my car in this housing development and if anyone looked closely could see the tell tale sign of what we were doing.

2. When D was pounding my pussy from the back, I turn around to look at him because he is fucking me a like a fucking olympic athlete and he is looking at my ass and his dick getting lost in my cunt while his hands are on my ass and his hands just follow the movement of my ass bouncing on his dick, and he was smiling hard. LOVE that. That moment of seeing the pleasure like that was awesome, better then when I can make him cum. This was so much more pure happiness. And me seeing my ass bouncing with his big black hands on it was Hot too.

D called me and asked me "Do you want me to come by tonight"? "Yes! I miss you so much"

" Okay be there around 10". I was so excited. My daughter asleep early in her own room, I thought to myself, right on time. Perhaps all the thoughts that I send him do reach him.

When he got there I was excited, and felt like grabbing onto him like a tick would their host and not letting go. I could see eyes he was tired. He has a to drive a couple hundred miles to get to me and he worked all day, and it working all day today, so I immediately felt sort of like I want to take care of him. Relax him, soothe him. I did that with my mouth for awhile, I could hear him moaning and I love to hear that. I love the positive feedback, makes me go longer and better. I did not immediately feel connected, which did bother me a little, and made it almost in possible for me to cum. I did a few times despite that feeling but not as easily as usually. After he fell asleep I covered him up and snuggle in close with him for a long time. My face buried in his chest, his strong arms around me, listening to his heart beat. I never wanted to move, but at some point I was starting to feel like a rat in a cage so I backed up a bit and I did not want us to oversleep and it was already 3am. So I laid there next to him looking at him as he slept. It felt a little creepy, but I just could only smile at him. I have such a deep love there and I recognize it being different then anything I have ever known. I layed there almost and hour smiling and watching him, thinking about our relationship and stroking his dick. He still firmly sleeping but his dick was rising.

I was not 100% committed to fucking him, but as I lay there stroking him, I can feel the cum in my pussy dripping down my cunt. I was defiantly committed now. Before long his dick was rock hard, but he was still sleep. So I pulled the covers down and climbed on top of him and rode him till he woke up and took over fucking me. Flipping me over on my knees and hitting it from the back. After I fuck him for awhile I guess my body gets used to the massive dick and I can take it with no problem. He was hitting it so hard from the back, my back teeth would hurt each time he thrust his dick into me. That is not an exaggeration. I love getting it like that, even though it really looks like he is killing me, but it is amazing! I dont cum during it, but usually after he cums I will be laying there in the afterglow and cum several minutes after him.

I really missed him and I was so grateful for that time we had together. It does make me a little sad that it is so far apart- the times we do have that.

Today I get up at 10:30, with no voice, from the screaming I assume. Going to spend the day with my babygirl, and got to bed early since I got like 5 hours sleep maybe last night.

I have been immersed in a book my sister loaned to me on Easter Sunday. "The Shack" a true story about a man whose daughter is brutally murder and who returns to the shack where it occurred to have a conversation with god. The book is amazing, his story is amazing! I found myself weeping through the whole second half of the book. Not out of sadness, just weeping for the utter immensity of his /my relationship with God. I finished the book last night, laying in my bed I felt like I had been filled with his spirit - God's spirit, I felt comforted and I felt loved. Religion has never been something I understood, but a relationship with God, I get that, I understand that. And while reading that book so many of my questions to God were his questions to God. That made me feel, not quite so all alone. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one struggling with the insanity of the world and role of God in it. I really do suggest it, I feel like it has changed me. I think I might start to read it again, see if any new truths pop up for me the second time through.

Otherwise, I report nothing but contentment today. Peace in my home and peace in my heart. Still missing D, but okay that he is at a distance right now. I needed some clarity. He is like a sprint, I spend far to much energy on him to run the marathon. I need a few months on and hen a few months off. And I am kind of missing some other people too but I am far too stubborn to ever admit it.

Enjoying the peace of an empty and quiet house right now. I love it. Only thing I can hear right now is a bird chirping and some cows occasionally mooing. Blissful!

I am missing D today. I have not really missed him too much in the last few weeks. Maybe it was because we had such a roller coaster ride the first 3 months of 2011, and I did know he would be dropping out of sight for awhile. It has been a week since I have talked t him. I just miss him. I feel like little out of sync. Things happen and I want to talk to him about it. We both love to listen to the same radio show (nj 101.5) and I like to talk about politics and things like that. Sometimes I just want to talk about our daughter or how much I have been missing him. Without even trying he puts a smile on my face. Today on my silent long slow drive home I focused on him and sent love to him. And I do believe that kind of thing can work sometimes. I was hoping where ever he was what ever he was doing he stopped for a moment and thought of me, and was reminded of the way I unconditionally love him, and hopefully he smiled. So no tears for him today, just a smile and warm feeling, and love vibes sent his way.

Things at home are looking up. Better but not great, but getting better. My husband was not looking forward to Sunday. It was the triple threat. I was PMSing BAD, I generally hate holidays ( too much pressure and fakeness), and I hate Sundays to0 (I get all amped up about the week laying before me). But to my surprise I really enjoyed the day. Low pressure, no fake happiness, no ridiculous expectations. I think Easter will be my favorite holiday. It was really nice.

Trying to loose a couple pounds, I gained 5lbs from this extra stress and home in the last month and that is not going to work for me.

I watched the Ten Commandments last night. My favorite holiday tradition. I love that movie. Although laying my bed alone into the late hours of the night my mind kept treading down the path of physical fulfillment. Yesterday my body reached the peak of sexual frenzy, and it was one of the times where if I knew your name and number, I would have called you for some help. I was defiantly seeking something, after the egg dying I took some time to do some yard work, thinking I would put my frustration into physical labor. Rode around on my John Deere for awhile - which I am not going to lie, felt really good - and came inside to discover I had gotten my period. Although I felt relieved, like I can stop searching for the sexual gratification I just did not need it anymore. So I was okay for a few hours, enveloped in the story of Moses and Joshua, until there was a scene after Moses led the people out of Egypt and Moses went to the mountain to hear God's Law, after being gone for 40 days the people began to doubt their faith and began to worship some golden calf. Someone yells and grabs Lilly's arm " she will be the sacrifice" and she is thrown on to the feet of the golden calf. I believe at this point she is tied to it, I saw someone grabbing her hair holding her down, and just like that I was right back where I was early. This vision on this beautiful women being taken against her will, tied down, and having no choices was so immensely turned on, my pussy was throbbing and aching to be violated. I can not even begin to articulate how much I crave this kind of violation, vunarabilty and utter helplessness. I wish someone could help me link this need to something so I can at least understand why I feel I need this so bad.

The other day, with that guy I did not like before, laying in bed, playing around, he pins me down, and holds me there. I love that he can do that, that I truly can not move. Maybe that is why I was so frustrated, being nailed down forced to submit, at his mercy, my pussy wet and throbbing, and nothing. Like a fireworks that smoke and pop, but never explode.

Im still aggravated by that.

I am not particularly religious, I believe in God, but not organized religion, So this Easter we had the egg hunt, some candy for breakfast and we all went back to bed. I am getting ready to head to my parents house and will be ending my night alone in my bed again.

Took the test, negative, but then realized my period is like 8 days late. No wonder I feel crazy. I dont think I ovulated this month or I just did 2 weeks late. Oh fertility is such a strange thing. I am sure stress fucked me up this month.

I spent like an hour making myself cum last night. I almost got the feeling I was looking for but still not there. Maybe I need some pain, that might be what I need to take me where I want to be. I'm thinking for sure pain would do it.

Ok. God are you fucking with me or what? It seems that life just seems to take all the really stressful shit and double or triple all at once, never one thing at a time.

So my best friends boyfriend just got in an argument on the phone with me, because I called my friend to talk about some shit that was on my mind. She was asleep, he answered the phone "what the fuck do you want"? This piece of shit is 23. Why did I even talk to him I do not know, probably because I was stressed and I just wanted to have some one to treat badly. So perhaps it worked out well. I was calm, then he started calling me a fat white nasty whore and then I said, this fat white nasty whore can take your girl from you in a second (she and I used to date) He challenged me to come to his house so he could "shut me up". It ended kinda of badly with me telling him, he is the reason white people dont like black people. Meaning he is a stereo typical inner-city looser that thinks he is the "shit" for some reason, I have not figured out yet, and I and his girlfriend are pretty sure he is on the down low and just not telling. And who tells a women to come to their house to fight. WTF where did she find this piece of shit.

I called my friend for some insight on an issue. There is this guy who I have talked to online for a few years then recently met in Jan. - where we did not get a long, but he pretty much brought his A game in pleasing me. So we met again almost 2 months later. And since then I have began to like him. In Jan I def did not like him. But I have enjoyed his dominate nature, that fact that he is smart and we can talk, and he will go back and fourth with me. He has opinions and he speaks them. Of course I have an attraction to him. I like him. Which is ok because I like everyone I see. If I did not like them, I would not see them.

After I saw him the 2nd time, I felt excited to see him again. I was trying to fit in my schedule, thinking about him, closing my eyes and reliving him on top of me, kissing me. Yes he kisses me - not something I do often at all. I felt myself starting to really like him, a little more then I wanted to. And so I needed to back down a bit from him. But I did want to see him. So I kind of had to force myself. I was feeling indifferent about going, and felt like turning around every second. I did not not even know if I wanted to have sex, is a text I sent... Well then why the fuck was I going? So when I got there I was slightly nervous but mainly indifferent. Went to his room and he told me make myself comfortable. I did I took off my shoes and pants and crawled into his bed, half wanting to take a nap. It was nice laying there with him, really nice, maybe too nice. So I took a brief nap, snuggling close to him, him playing with my hair. I could not quite grasp what i was feeling though. I know my mind and body needed a man to hold me. It needed a man to make me feel protected and I struggle to type the word - loved. I felt that way in his arms. I was really happy for a moment, but thoughts of my family would creep into my head. I love my husband I know this, I know I love him, and I love our life together most of the time. But my husband and I have not had normal sex life in 10 years not kissed in wow like 8 years and had sex 3x in the last five years. We dont even sleep in the same bed - that is more out of both of us are insomniacs with wild sleep habits, but still, my body needs to be held and touched, even in if not sexually. So laying there I start to feel really guilty. I think about my baby girl home with her daddy and me not being there for them. I end up spending way more time cuddling then I do fucking him. Wait a minute - that is not right. How did this day become about touching and not fucking.

We did fuck though, but it was not really doing it for me that day. The other times I have been with him it has, I have left very fulfilled. But this time I was not there. I had a hard time explaining that to him. And it seems that I chose some rather inflammatory phrases to explain how I was feeling. But the fact of the matter was yes I did cum, but I did not get all the way there. So all the way there for me means I have a feeling I cant do anymore, a state of bliss that overcomes my body and mind, not just my pussy. When I am alone it takes about an hour to get myself there, sometimes I never get there. There are times in the past D has fucked me all night, I mean like 8+ hours of almost non stop fucking and he gets up and gets dresssed while I am still trying to cum with my vibrator. It happens. This day I need something more. I needed badly to have more, and frankly laying there I wish I had brought my toys because I would have been trying to make myself cum. I just needed more. I asked him for what i wanted and he told me no, which I assumed was a joke. But he persisted and really did not want to help me out. He seriously would not, which made me angry. Angry because I know I would have my period soon and I would not get the satisfaction I craved, and angry because he had the power to give me what I needed and he would not. I have sex so infrequently as it is when I have the time to do it I want to walk out feeling the heavy blissful feeling I am used to. I dont want to walk out feeling like I need to fuck. I just needed more and i was beyond pissed, I was so frustrated I cried, I really cried. He said I was like a crack addict, and I am. I am a sex addict (recovering at this point) but seriously I know it I am a sex addict, I have lived a sex addicts life for a long time. Maybe some people are ok with cuming a few times and he even made me squirt, but I needed that other feeling. The utter loss of control where my entire body shakes and the feeling of bliss waves over my body for several minutes and even after your body is far away from mine, my body quivers. All by itself. I needed that. And I am crying right now thinking about it. I needed to get into the head space where I did not know my fucking name. And maybe I acted like a brat when i did not get it. I am sure of it. I never meant to hurt his feelings but in my mind all I could think of was I just spent all this time "out" (time away from home that I have to tell my husband I am going somewhere) and I did not even get to get off like I needed to. And that makes me sad as I say that, because I could not even enjoy the good parts of the day because of the panic of not getting off enough and not having the time to do it another day. To top it all off, I just did not understand why he would not want to help me. I ended up leaving 4 hours later feeling more frustrated then ever. Got in the car and started to cry some more. I did not want thing to end that way, but I was so angry. I dont think any one understands the fine balance I have in my life, and How I can not do what ever it is I please. My daughter is always first in my life, and I always feel tremendously guilty for not being with her. I have only had her away from me I think 6 times in her whole 4 and a half years, those night she slept at my moms a mile down the street. She did it last night, and I still feel guilty. Extreme? Yes, but she is my baby and I devoted my life to her well being. I do everything I possible can for her.

I kinda lost my train of thought,but I felt bad about the time we spent together. It felt like I cheated on my husband. I kissed him, like really kissed him while we were naked holding each other and I was half asleep. I just felt like that is a slippery slope. Scared me to think that I would like that, because I never get it at home and I thought I did not need it. So if I dont need it why does it feel so damm good? (Im tearing up again, no period in the morning, I am taking a pregnancy test - I feel like I am going crazy)

So for 10 years I have told myself I dont need to me loved and held and cuddleded but I know that when D comes by I revel in it, but part of me really thought that was just because it was D, but it does not appear to be the case.

I think I need to go to bed, if nothing else I will sleep on it. I am going to have to go fuck myself for awhile before I go to bed.

Wow, I can not shake this feeling of anger and digust and a little bit of sadness. This all started last friday. Last night I had dinner with a friend and afterward I found myself sitting in the car in the CVS parking lot trying to figure out where I should go and what I should do. I sat there for 35 minutes playing scrabble on my phone before I gave up the fight to have some kind of social or sexual experience that night. Even at dinner I felt disconnected and somewhat like leaving. PMS is a serious thing gentlemen. I feel like some men think we are full of shit with it, but it will do crazy things to you. This morning I awake with a severe headache, I hoping is due to the estrogen drop and I will have relief this afternoon. I woke up promptly grabbed an ativan, some motrin, some steel cut oats and a glass of coke for some caffeine. If that does not fix me nothing will.

I just freaked out on my husband and now I am waiting for him to get out of the shower so I can apologize. (Shaking my head in disgust at myself).

I think a lot of people I talk to assume I have a very glamorous life filled with sexual fantasies being fulfilled. I do have that sometimes, but sometimes, most of the time, I am and exhuasted mother, a women still looking to define herself, a wife that feels inadaquate, a friend who tries her best to help. I am so "vanilla" and normal looking to everyone that they could never believe in a quick second I could be bent over in a bathroom where he works, getting a big black dick, while he cups his hand over my mouth so no one can hear me.

Today I am going to mow my lawn, that calms me, do some yard work, dye the easer egss and watch the ten commandments( my favorite movie), and pray my period comes today.

I am trying to hold it together tonight. I need someone or something to pound my pussy tonight, but again it aint happening. I am too tired to do the back and forth, to short tempered to except anything other then "Yes I will be there at the time and the place you have told me, and I understand you wont be doing a lot of dick sucking". So to sum it up I'm Beat!

Really short tempered and still trying to hold it together one more day til I can get some freedom. I will ultimately have it and no idea what to do with it. This is the fucking up and down that so intense it fucks up everything I have been trying to do in my life. I always get sidetracked, distracted, exhausted. Whatever.

D have been on a side burner for a bit, he is a bit further away from me then he has been and he has been working a lot. The freedom from his daily tragedies has been nice. I still love him like no other but grateful for a little distance.

My husband has been in the forefront of my thoughts and actions these last couple of weeks. Things are getting better very very very slowly with set backs at every turn, but I easily fall into the caretaker role, and my needs get pushed aside and I become better at my life. I am more attentive and patient wife and mother, more efficient house cleaner and better at my job. If I know I cant be the weak one then I am not. I am feeling the stress a bit more from that. Extra sleepy a bit more easily to cry and I am loosing my voice.

On my way to bed.

Ok so late last night, I am awake lying in bed and I become abruptly aware that I cant stop touching myself. Before I even realize what I have been doing my nipples catch my attention, and like a dagger to the heart, realize I have just pissed away an entire weekend that I could have been getting dick. Because the pre- period " I wanna fuck right now" kicked in at exactly that moment. Laying there with a near tangible visualization of a large black man crawling top of me and his big black dick teasing me. I closed my eyes and I could almost feel this fantasy man pushing his self into me and my body relaxing. Although, the fantasy man can not bring all the home for me, so I was up most of the night!

Though glad the crying is over, but wishing I had some time for some dick tonight, even though right this second all I want is a shower and a peanut butter easter egg and to lay in bed watching a different world, later I know my body scold me for not satisfying it.

Just walking in the door and need to pull my house together for another day.

So Friday was a very emotional day for me. Everything was ok until about 2:30pm. There was a verbal altercation with a client at work (which is very common and not a big deal) that my co-worker did not back me up with. My coworker is a hard core bitch sometimes, and still a good friend. She does not see herself that way and has a hard time believing that about herself but there are times she just likes to start trouble. We had a disagreement it was not the end of the world, but it seemed to kick start something in me. It was like the hormone gates were kicked down and the great flood began. I wanted to cry, but I could not tell you why, but I held it in. We went home and I picked up my daughter and I wanted to cry but still not knowing why. My husband and I had plans to go out alone to dinner and I was teary eyed through the whole thing. We talked about our favorite memories in our marriage and it made me cry. We got in the car, and I began to cry my heart out. I cried because I want a baby, by D, I want to loose more weight, I want more love, I want more sex, I want more control over my emotions. I want to achieve my goals and not constantly get side tracked by my mind.

Saturday was not much better. The weather was horrible and we just did laundry and laid around the house, but about 5pm I felt so alone, I began to cry. The heart breaking cry too. I was eventually satisfied with playing a game and then I went to bed and watched a movie. "My sisters keep", coincidently the saddest movie I have ever seen about a mothers fight to save her daughter fighting and dying from cancer. And I know someone going through this very thing right now. I cried non stop until I feel asleep, and now I have awoke with swollen eyes from all the crying.

I actually thought to myself could this be pregnancy emotions because I never really cry this much or this hard. I thought about taking a test but seriously it would be fruit less as I have not even tried to conceive this month. So I assume it it the horrors of PMS.

I have even lost my desire for sex in the last few days, that is very unlike me right before I get my period. Usually the days prior are frenzy of an inexplicable urges to which no man or toy can match.

So this sunday morning I sit here debating on what to do with my day. I dont really want to go anywhere, as I dont feel like spending money on gas or food or anything I dont need, but I dont know if I can sit here another day and entertain myself. I'm just hoping to remain composed and somewhat happy today.

Ok so I was talking to L. L is someone I see from time to time. To refresh you memory, we like to fuck in the park. He told me he saw me today, out at the store with my mom and my daughter. There is something so hot about that. I saw him too pushing the cart with his son and his wife. But he turned his head but I could not see him, I thought that he looked familiar but nah I thought. I looked at his wife and thought to myself that she was sexy, we made brief eye contact and kept walking.

Now I dont know what it is about someone seeing me and me not knowing it, but it is insanely hot to me. The thought of him watching me walk through the parking lot, he knew what I had on and I was none the wiser. It is like my two worlds colliding. Submissive girl and Just a normal person briefly meshing together.

I love that stuff, particularly when I see someone I have fucked at a gang bang at a store or a DOM who tied me up and raped me at a restaurant. They have a dirty little secret about me and I keep my "regular" attitude about myself, acting normal, all the while they have a vision of me with their cock in my mouth or being gang fucked.

It those polar opposites that get me going.

Black and white

Dom and Sub

Hard and Soft

Sex Slave and Mom

Social Worker and Whore

Morally Righteous and NOT

In high school, I lived on a very remote road where the only people who would drive on it would be the people who lived on it. I would usually end up leaving my blinds open because there was no one to see anything, the only view out of my room was a corn field. My boyfriend told me about 3 months into it, he and sometimes he and his friends would park their car up the street and walk down to my house and watch my in my room. Getting dressed, getting undressed, whatever, just watch me. The thought of that still excites me.

I am sitting her watching the last video of D fucking me "hidden camera". It is so totally fantastic how I sound retarded while his is pounding my pussy, not one word is intelligible and I sound like it is not feeling good, then he pushes his dick in real far and just holds it there and I just sigh in pleasure, and even laugh at times. I love how this man fucks me. And I love that video a lot.

So I have had a peaceful day of thinking and cleaning, mothering and ending it out to dinner with my mom and aunt. I am feeling real good about my life. Trying to pray a lot, I need some clarity about having a baby issue. I know I want to have a baby, just at this point I guess I am debating on the wait for D or choose another donor.

Wishing I could have some dick in me right now, but cant get out tonight. Perhaps tomorrow will have better results.

Today was pretty good. I did have a lot of moments of peace, and I think that came from the effort I put forth helping others. I took some extra time out of my day and gave some people at work a little extra attention. It made me feel good, forget my troubles and by the time I was driving home and after my prayers to god which I say while driving, I was overcome with peace. I even said it out loud to my daughter " I feel so peaceful". I happily waited for gas with out a care in the world just sitting there blissful for reason. I drove home slow. I did not want to loose the peaceful easy feeling I had in my heart. And things at home have been ok. My daughter is passed the heck out at 720 so I have nothing but freedom.

So it is bed right after I post this. LOL.

D has called me a couple times, but I keep missing his calls. And I can not call him back right now because I do not have his new number or some other bs. Either way I am ok. Hoping to see him before I ovulate, which I am still waiting for. I think it might be happening late this month, but I dont know. I do know I have opened my mind to having a child with another person, not out of desire but necessity. I know realistically I can not follow this man around the world, and maybe one day when our kids our grown and we are too old to fuck we will live our days out together on the beach and baking in the sun, but until that day, I ready stand his devotee, and wait to be called apon. And on this night of my life, I say that with all truth and contentment. So where or however my second child comes I will love it with the same intensity I love my daughter and their story of how they came into this world will be different, but it will still be that two people who cared about each other and liked each other and wanted to make each other happy came together and created them.

Perhaps god answered my prayers today because I could not be more content in life right now. I just dont want this feeling to leave me.

Took my daughter to a follow up appointment for her recent illness, a specialist. I left at 7 for an 8a appt 30 mins away and got stuck in traffic for almost 40 mins, ended up being 20 minutes late, when they told me they were not going to see me because I was too late. I started to cry a little, and to my utter shock I could not hold the tears back. They came like a flood. It was all the things going on in my life and all at once in front of the office staff I began to cry, and when they told me they would try to squeeze me in, I nodded my head and sat down and the tears kept coming. Now sitting on the side of the waiting room trying to suck back any and all emotions, tears fell down my face. I had about a 20 minute wait and by that time I was able to compose myself. I am not a fan of crying in public - not my best moment. I felt like such a failure in life.

So add that to my ever mounting stress at home (which coincidently is slightly and I do only mean slightly better today). I was hurting today. So when I got a text from they guy from Jan. who I called a douche bag, I was kind of into whatever stress relief that might bring, even if it meant killing time texting. But soon I was agreeing to meet him down the street from work in a parking lot. I was super nervous, and undecided but knew I needed some sexual healing. (In fact earlier that day I called young boy on my way into work to try to get some, but that did not pan out).

I got into the backseat of his truck. When I saw him I was a little taken back. I was a little more attracted to him then I was before. He had a beard now, he looks a little more rustic now, it was working for me. He mouth still works over time, but easily drowned out by the feelings his body brings me. Before long my mouth is on his dick. ( I have been so stressed I have been grinding my teeth which tenses my jaw up and I can not suck dick right, this is also a problem with sucking dick for long periods of time. I dont think men realize the physical demand of keeping your mouth like that for a long time. ) Still nervous sucking his dick, feeling really weird in the back of his truck knowing full well I would be buck naked and completely exposed if we were caught. And sure enough, I was buck naked rather fast.

My tits have some marks on them from the BDSM fun from last week. I am not thrilled about that, in fact it embarrasses me somewhat. Ironic, bruises make me happy, but other marks bother me.

He started fucking me and like instant, AHHH. It was like I can breath again, and I let myself go with it, as much as I could. Ever few minutes I would remember I was in the back of his truck in the parking in broad day light about a mile from my job and where I knew my coworkers and clients frequent, and i know all the cops in the area, since we work closely with them too. Not the best choice to fuck but I had to leave work early to get it in and be back to get my daughter in time from school. He was fucking me good, with a little bit aggression, the fucking truck was moving back and forth. And you know before I knew it his hand was wrist deep in my cunt. All I could think of is not squirting all over this mans truck when he pulls his hand out.

30 minute relaxation, and well worth the time I took off work. I could do that every day!

One day follows the other, on soul draining event follows the other. I cant quite say this enough 2011 is really sucking hard! Maybe I need to go get some holy water to bath in because I cant keep doing this. My sister was in a car accident today. So I left work to go be with her, and while I am sitting with her in the hospital room my husband calls and begs me to come home to be with him because he needed someone there with him. I did not know what that meant, but I went home and sat with him. All afternoon. I walked in the door and he hugged me and just kind of lost it. So to the way side goes my feelings and thoughts, my desire and my need to explore my sexuality. I just kick it into gear and be everything to everyone. The sister who will be the rock for my sister in a time a need, the mommy who keeps the home fun and happy to mask the despair, the wife that takes care, and encourages, the doctor making sure meds are taken, appointments are attended, the daughter who listens to her mother vent, the co worker who slaps on a happy face. Anyone wonder why sometimes I want to be the slave, tied up and given no choice, thus no responsibility. I just want to be your whore sometimes.

Getting ready to go to bed, at 8:30 because my daughter woke me up 3x last night becasuse there was a fly in the house and she was scared, and because I have to be leave early tomorrow for by an hour, and because there is nothing worth staying awake for here.

New video posted on bangmyslut.com...

I just dont know about 2011. It really has not been such a great first quarter. And I know I try to keep positive, but damn really?

My daughter feeling better, thankfully and hoping that will not be a ongoing issue. Things at work are tense but getting better, things with D are "neatly packed away in a box", meaning I cant allow my heart to get to attached to him, and I try very hard to keep him and our relationship in the moment and not think that hard on it. I am doing well so far. Although he has not called when he said he would and that makes me a little nervous, but I'm keeping that box closed. My husband is going through some issues. He has had issues for awhile, since I met him with generalized anxiety and depression. Nothing that needed treatment or anything, just periods off and on. I personally believe, based on what I know that this is a direct result of his time in the Gulf War. He is not willing to talk about it though. I think we as americans forget that the men and women who do fight for our country will never forget those experiences, good and bad, and their lives will be forever changes, so that ours will not. It breaks my heart at times because I feel like so many people take that for granted, and there are so many vets who can not cope with the trauma they experienced. And the military is not just dont ask dont tell for homosexuality, it applies to mental health as well. Sad but true that we as a country focus so little on the "whole" person. Either way my husband's distress deeply saddens me and I worry about him and I just want to take his pain away. I feel somewhat helpless and worried that things will spiral out of control here, they have gotten very bad with him.

I am trying to stay in the moment and relax, hoping to have some dick in me tonight, That always soothes my soul and I hope in the next few weeks to get my life back to some sense of order and some regular dick again.