So this is my horoscope today...

Making progress in your romantic quest is one thing, but falling in love head over heels is quite another. There is only one small step between enthusiasm and excessive optimism. Your significant other your close circle of friends, or even just your circumstances are going to put the brakes on your amorous endeavors. It would be wise to make time for reflection if you want to avoid disappointment.

Things that make you go hmmmm.

Whew, what a weekend. I feel like I crammed 2 weeks into 4 days. But all worth it. I hope.

So I worked both Sunday and Monday and Monday I went to visit T after work. I did not want to do it, but we were talking on the phone and I just really wanted to see him. See him badly. I wanted to kiss him. Okay, so I realize the big scary L word is coming. Obviously you cant know someone for 3 weeks and love them but I have some loving feelings toward him.

But part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop and find out some crazy shit about him. Please God, please dont let this man crush me. Someone warned me not to fall in love too fast. And I began the self exploration of do I love too easily? Do I give too much of myself to0 quickly? Im not sure about it. I am so insecure. I really am. Seriously today i have convinced myself he is no longer interested in me. Ridiculous because last I saw him was laying in bed with me less then 24 hours ago, it is all in my own insecurities, that I am not lovable. That I am only good for sex and no one would desire to "date" me and love me. Im going to try hard not to let this shit control my thinking and behavior. I have to acknowledge and redirect myself before I can stop it. So I know I need to knock it off.

Now a word about my divorce, the papers are being fed exed to me as we speak for the final review and they we can file the papers. All good so far. I am still in a mad dash for housing but either way it is going well. Just praying god helps me get wherever I need to be sooner rather then later.

I thought I would take a few minutes to talk about T this morning. I worked yesterday and then went to his place, to pick up where we left off on friday. I had all kind of urges to just attack him when I went in his apartment, but we ended up sitting on his couch talking and cuddling for a little bit then we picked up where we left off. So what tells me that I feel something here, is that i do not how comfortable I am sharing information about our time together. I dont know why. I like him. I really like him. I know it has only been a few weeks, but I really want to be with him all the time, and I know this is how most relationships begin. Either way I am happy.

We did talk about some logistical with sex last night. The how do we prevent pregnancy talk if we do not use condoms. I was deeply saddened when he told me he had a vasectomy. It hurt me right down to my soul. Because as much as I like this man, as much as I want to explore our connection together, it is futile, because he will never be able to give me another baby I need so badly. That bothered me. I did not tell him that of course. It is not like I imagine use being together forever (although seriously I thought about it), but no more babies is like a deal breaker for me. I need another baby. And I dont want to spend too much time falling in love with this man because what if there is another man for me, that wants to have a family. Too much too soon I know.

My soon to be ex, screamed at me this morning, like a fucking nutjob. And has been making comments about me not cooking for him anymore. Get serious, fuck face. You dont want me, you can make your own dinner. This morning he was suppose to pick my daughter up at 830 for a parade from my moms house. 845 my mom calls, i ask him what is going on, he says to me oh the parade does not start till 10 so we have time. I told him how it was rude that he had my mom get her up early and dress her when he had no intention of getting her til later. That was rude and when I told him that he just started screaming. One of the times I wish he would have never stepped into my life.

Working again today. Hoping T might come see me for a few when i get done work, but sometimes that is just a lesson in frustration, if I can have him right then and there. I am not skilled at delayed gratification. Not at all.

I miss my baby though. We spent saturday together, but sunday I worked and I saw about 10 mins this morning and I have to go to work til 8. Then school and work tomorrow. Our relationship is changing as she begins to enter kindergarten she has more obligations and more independence.

a few months ago I NEVER thought this is what my life would look like!!!!!

Ah, feeling so good this morning. I was up for four hours touching myself between like 1 and 4. Seriously that is insane. Not touching to make myself cum, but just touching. I keep thinking about him and the way his body feels up against mine. I just got to work this one shift and I will be in his arms, less then 12 hours now.

Otherwise, I had a good talk with my parents yesterday. Feeling better about everything. Love that, and I like to document so the days I feeling stopping on the bridge I have a reminder.

Today life is good, very good!

So I am still thinking about it. Today I want to cry, but not out of sadness, I just feel really really good. Content and peaceful, optimistic and open to new adventures. I do wish I had this whole, where I am going to live things settled a bit more, but all in good time.

I am still thinking about T that is. He makes me feel really really good, I want to be with him, and I want to fuck him. Who would of thought... I dont think I ever felt like I could feel this way.

I have had a few thoughts about D lately, kind of fleeting and kind of sad. Not only is there a loss of my marriage but a relationship with D. At least as I know it. D likes that I am / was married. ( Papers will be ready in about a week, and will be filed) It is easy for him, no worries, no commitments. I know that, and I know that he will be unsure of where we stand now.

I woke up this morning, did some more Yoga, and I am just finishing breakfast while I gather my thoughts and plan for my day. I have a lot to do today. I am working Sunday and Monday. Got to make some money!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The look on my face today was contentment, so much so that the girl at work noticed. I showed her a pic of T, and she said " I am actually kind of impressed". She assumed he would be some shiny black man looking like he just stepped out of the jungle. But T is not. He is cool and confident, polite and passionate. He is becoming a source of happiness and a source of my daily fantasies. I continue to walking up to his apartment and as he opens the door begin kissing him and we led each other to the bedroom, stripping our clothes of as fast as we can. And we make love. Not my usual fantasy, but a very gratifying one nonetheless. The other one involves him tying me up, depriving my senses and controling me. It is a little more intense but I have not been able to visualize it all the way through yet.

I got home today, and played on my daughters 10' commercial grade inflatable slide with her, made dinner and I am enjoying a drink right now. My soon to be ex said to me... "look at you, getting dirvorced, now you are drinking and working overtime, going out. "

He has had a bad day, he cant fucking do anything on his own, and he get so frustrated so easily. I do seriously wonder about affects of the war on his mental health and possible exposure to chemicals in the war and in his line of work. He appears to be loosing skills. Like the other day he could not figure out how to start the mower and put it in and then out of choke. It is bizarre and sad, but whatever his reasons are for leaving me, it is his choice. He believes me to be the source of his unhappiness so it must be then.

I am getting ready to sell my wedding rings and some other jewelry. I never like to where jewelry and it has no meaning to me. I am going to save one ring that he gave me, for my daughter, it is a little to cutesy for me, I never wore it and she might appreciate the sentiment someday in her life. The rest goes!

I also feel like purging my home of so much, but babysteps, as to not disrupt my daughter. She has appeared to be really ok with all of this, so far. We are both good parents to her, that has not changed. And we dont argue with each other, and there is not mean spirited stuff. It might be happier now then before.

Tomorrow I have a dinner with my girls for "Girls Night" and then heading out with T. I am really starting to feel like an adult with a social life as opposed to being stuck in this house as an unhappy wife.

This morning I feel peaceful. I had to acknowledge that. I feel peaceful in my body, in my mind and in my skin. I dont know how long it will last, but I want to take a moment to acknowledge before I start my day.

I have been very agitated these last two days. I got my period, and when I have my period it has always been a time when I focus on myself and I am able to put aside the fixation with sex. Sounds are getting under my skin, clothes are still irritating me. It is just everything. I am am in a huge time of transition. The crying has subsided and dropped off to random burst of sadness to be followed by excitement and a feeling of I can do anything and a rebirth of my former self. I have lost my self in these last years. I have taken on his negativity and self loathing and I am ready to let that go .

I am a little on edge about my living situation, but I have parents to fall back on and I am grateful for it. I am not someone who likes to relinquish control in my life and allow other to take care of me. I like to take care of most things. And I realize that is a contradiction to what I have said before but I like to control logistical, financial, practical matters and I like to be emotionally taken care of.

I have not been speaking to my friends. I can not even do that "I am so sorry" comments. So I retreat back to my self reliant nature and I self soothe and self support and leave them to their own happiness. I have not told D. And I do not intend to until I need to, but I will put that off as long as possible. For D, he will, no matter what I say, believe that this is my asking him to spend his life with me. And it is not. I love D, but I really dont think D needs to soak up anymore of my soul then he already has.

So I have been talking to someone and I seeing him. I like him more hen I thought I would. I am pretty sure I have blogged before about it, we met for lunch last week and we spent some time together at his apartment over the weekend. I call him T on here.

He is smart and relaxed, has manners and we seem to mesh. When we talk I smile like a little girl and I think about him a lot. So much so that my days have not been filled with thoughts of D anymore. D is almost like a ghost in my mind these days. Never staying long, fleeting, never abruptly interupting my train of thought. But T, he has made me feel very good, feel loved, feel wanted, feel appreciated and he interupts my days all the time. I really like him. It is weird have a relationship of sorts and not banging in the back of someones truck, but I like it.

Divorce is going well. we have agreed on everything and we are almost at the point where we are going to file the motion. I am loosing his name and reclaiming my identity and my self esteem.

I still love Sam, I feel very sad for him. I wish I thought he would be ok, but I truly dont think he will be. I also dont seem him around long term as a father. Another reason I am not telling D. I dont want D to feel like he should jump in and be a father to our daughter. We talked about that many times. He will step in if Sam steps out, but were are not there yet.

I was thinking about the sex I had the other night in the motel with JW. And the sex in the truck with the JB where I cried on him. What must these people think when they are fucking me and I begin to cry. And having said that it is kind of hot to me too. I like that state of vunerabity and utter helplessness, my body being violated/used my mind being overloaded. I think I should definatly explore my obsession with rape. It is not right I like that feeling so much. THat will have to hit the back burner for awhile.

Felt good blogging tonight, been a few days since I have been able to think. As usual my intention is to go to bed early, but I am sure I will end up awake at midnight watching reruns of a Different World.

Feeling really good this morning. I woke with a small headache from the lack of sleep, but feeling optimistic and content. I just needed to take a minute to acknowledge that contentment. It has been a long time since I have felt it. Today I am on my way to look at some more house. I am excited, but I really wish the someone else could do this and just let me know when my new house is ready.

Yesterday, I needed to get out of my house badly

I left the motel at 2:04 am, and began a voice blog in the car on the ride home, as sometimes I loose the raw emotion I have and with so much going on in my life, sometimes I need to let it go to focus on other things and I loose it.

I dont always blog about my activities, sometimes I get too much judgement from people and I frankly get tired of hearing it. People who meet me and read the blog have some difficultly reconciling the two things. How am I so sweet and innocent to their face, yet turn into a super-slut on the pages of the blog. This is me, I am who I am. I have been this way for all my life. I like to fuck, I love who I love, if I like you I like you forever and if I dont like you, you know it. I lie sometimes to make things easier and my only goal in life is to have another baby and continue to acknowledge that happiness and peace in my life.

I saw someone I am calling JW. He is a smooth sounding New Yorker with a nice sound to his voice and little bit of swagger I like. Not my usual suspect but I am liking him. Last night was only the second time I have seen him. I would have seen him more but he is a little to back and forth, or unreliable. He frustrates me at times, but he is like the bad kid in the class gets on your last nerve and then he snags with his personality. I was not sure he was going to show up until he got there. It was late, very late, ok 10pm, but I was so ready for bed. I stopped and got myself a shot of B-12 to help give me a pick me up, I am afraid it did not work, but I did manage to spill it all over myself. I was feeling like I needed to get my game up. He was driving a little bit to see me and paying for the room, so I better at least make me happy. That is very stressful for me, I feel like he better walk out of the room begging to see me again, with a simple smile on his face, having flash backs to the unforgettable fuck he just had. It is too much pressure, I do it to myself, but I like to be good at everything I do.

I was on the bed, naked, playing with my Magic Wand and he came right over to me and began to kiss my clit and moving his mouth all over my ass and pussy and I was so taken. It seemed to move fast and he had his condom and he was ready to get it in. When he slide his dick into me I remember thinking to myself "hmm was it this big last time". It defiantly felt bigger, it looked bigger. I like it, it is a good size. While he was fucking me came a few times and was into it. Then I started to get irritated. My hair kept falling down, coming out of its pony tail holding it back, we were sweating and it was sticking to my back. I could have a shaved my head at that moment. My skin was starting to feel foreign to me, like a suit that is too tight and not broken in yet. He must have sensed I was getting frustrated, he start to fuck me differently, holding me down and fucking me. I liked that, but as I looked up and glanced at the wall, I was saddened by a fleeting thought about my home, and I began to cry. I am not sure if he noticed or not, but I did begin to cry. I could have sobbed, but I only had tears dripping from my eyes. It took everything I had not to cry like a child. I sucked it up.

Another problem was the condom. I love and hate condoms. Condoms allow me to live my life the way I want to, but they often make too much friction. At one point I had to stop him and run to my car and get the lube. My angry was at its peak that point. I almost wish someone was in the parking lot to mess with because I could have kicked the shit out of someone. I came back in and lube it up and it was better. He started to fist me. He is hand was so damm big. When he gets it in there, he makes this face like someone who was turning the water off under the sink, but cant see the knob. I got my vibrator and made myself cum with his fist in my cunt, and i look at his face which is almost expressionless as he chews his gum.

We were talking after, he talks a lot and frankly I got lost in the rhythm of his sound. He speaks rhythmically and I watched his lips move. I got lost in him for a minute. I had to get up at some point because I was irritated. Really agitated . If your skin and hair and body are making you feel so frustrated where do you go? You have no refuge.

I spoke with a therapist years ago. I was there because I did not cry. Never. I never would go there no matter what. She enlightened me to some Buddhist like ways of thinking. One being pain is pain and we will always experience pain, but we do not need to suffer. And our suffering comes from trying to escape the pain. That if I allow the negative feelings to wash over me and acknowledge I ease my suffering. Like imagine standing at the edge of the ocean. Pain is the ocean, and suffering is the feeling we get from trying to hold the ocean back. a fruitless effort, let the ocean come, wash over us and return to its original place. And you stand whole allowing yourself to feel the wetness of the pain and force of the pain and but also see it leave it you. I am afraid that if I allow it to wash over my spirt I will not be left standing on this one. So for now I continue with my fruitless attempt to hold back the ocean - at least for a little longer.

I know i am doing the right thing, or he is doing the right thing. I am scared to be alone, I have not had to rely on myself in a long time.

Today off for house hunting and I might go see someone I met the other day, the guy I had lunch with and lost of good chemistry and good conversation.

I am barely hanging on these last few days. I feel like I am dying. I just can't imagine this shit hurting me so much. I am so broken and sad. I am so hurt as he walks around the house trying to act as though he is not destroying my life. I am so sad, I just cant imagine my life with out him. As treacherous as our relationship has been I still cant imagine myself without here to hold me up. Im kinda hoping that tomorrow is really the end of the world, because I can not do this, I dont want to do this anymore.

I was okay today at work, and me and my daughter went swimming, and we had a really good time. I started to feel really sick , and we came home about 30 minutes ago. I cant help feel sadness overcome me like a plague. I sit here in front of this computer screen, tears just dont stop streaming.

I really have not even talked to my friends. Just the 2 girls I work with you have ended up being a great support to me. I can bring myself to talk to most of the my friends. I feel like my parents are beginning to tire of me, and Sam pretends like I am not hear until my daughter begins to ask what is wrong with me. I dont want to be here anymore, but I dont know where to go.

I wish I had something positive and fun to write, something sexy and memorable - but I dont. This is a very dark time in my life. Im still waiting to get my period. 3 days away or not. At this point I have to turn to God and ask for some guidance. I have been praying with fervor lately. I have always prayed all the time. Most of the time I pray for clarity, for peace, for others, for trust in Him. Now I pray for the ability to be a Mother, to not get lost in this sadness, I pray to God that he will just hold me up because I can no longer stand.

I have never lived alone, Im so scared to live alone. I just dont want to live alone. Maybe that I was so willing to tolerate all the things this relationship fell short in. It was all worth it to have the security. But I realize perhaps there are better things waiting for me. I try to believe that.

I need to take a minute to talk about the guy who came in my ass. You know my feelings for him have been kind of back and forth. It is weird to even say feelings because I never really have feelings for anyone like that, but I was surprised by how much I was comfortable and enjoyed the way he touched me... not fucked me but touched me. But he was a little on the mean side sometimes. I did not understand what or how I made him so angry but I did. He would come back around and I would become a little more intrigued by him. Again enjoying his company, enjoying his touch, and I liked kissing him. He always seems to be mad at me. I never really understand why, and he never really tells me why. If I had to take a guess I would say that he does not appreciate the "bangmyslut" girl when he is wanting her to just be a girl. The bangmyslut girl is not me. Not all of me anyway. Yes I do all of the things you see there, but I also do have another part of me. I am loving and kind and wanting to be loved and wanting to be someone's girl not just their slut. I dont know how to blend the two. I have never had too. I have always been two people, submissivegirl and the normal girl next door. He hurt my feelings a lot. Not important how or why, but I never intend to hurt people although I realize I do it alot. I cant possible know what the score is if no one tells me!

I am going to take myself up to bed and watch the show the Middle with my baby girl and rub her belly till she falls asleep. I will then take some benydrel to put me to sleep and end up crying most likely until I pass out. Pray for me, send me good thought, and feel free to message me. I have really appreciated the messages- I really have.

This may sound ridiculous to all who read this, but I went on a "date" today. And by date I do not mean I went to fuck someone, I mean I met someone I like and think is attractive for lunch. And I realize it may seem crazy but when the chains of marriage were off of me, in my heart, not legally, I began to look for someone. Someone to hang out with, someone to kiss, someone to care about for short term, long term for whatever. Let me tell you how my day went,

8am driving my daughter to school almost there and I realize I forgot to feed her breakfast (WTF - how do I forget that)

Then a 5 mins dounut stop for an unhealthy breakfast and quick drop off.

830a Alone in my car, listening to Wyclef starting to feel agaiated and like I could rip my skin off. I am uncomfortable in my skin I am feel very irritated. on 295 I can not take the feel of my shirt one more second! I rip it off. As the cars whizz by I am ripping my shirt off with vengence. I felt like caged animal in it. I feel around in the back seat until i find a t shirt I had back there and threw it on.

I spent 2 hours searching for homes in one particular neighbor hood, to no avail

10 am annual appointment at my gyn. So strip down naked, lay on the table legs in the stir ups, speculum pushed in to my cunt, breast felt up by a middle age white man. And when I am leaving I ask him to please mark my chart that I multiple partners, because every time I come I have to explain my lifestyle and I am tired of it.

12 n meeting him for lunch. When I walked in he was sitting there, with a great smile and easy personality. We sat there for almost 3 hours in easy conversation. I liked him. I liked him a lot. He touched my are when we were talking and it felt really good just to have someone touch me in a soft kind way. When we left we hugged and he kissed me. I was feeling him, and frankly I wanted him badly. There was a parking garage 15 feet from us and he joking said do you want to go in the garage. I did... him fucking me up against the wall of the dark parking garage was HOT!!. It was nice. I walked around some stores afterward, with a giant smile on my face. It felt really good to have a conversation with a man, and seemed interested with me.

5p Massive headache, severe nausea, on my moms couch as she tries to ready me to go out. I do it, but still feeling like my skin is holding me back, like I want to rip it off. My senses are really in hyper sensitivity. I know at this point I need some meds, but still no period so no med. But my skin is crawling. To help u understand the feeling. I was laying naked in my bed with nothing touching me but my bare ass on the sheets, and the breeze coming in the window made me cringe with discomfort. I feel everything. Right no the seam on the my panties is making me want to rip them off . The t shirt i am wearing feels twisted and tight but it is not.

10p I give up on sleep and after on the floor trying to meditate through the non stop urge to vomit, i get up and come here. I email a friend, I blog, I cry, I sob, I listen to the sound my Sam snoring in the other room and I am reminded of my anger for this man, and my love. I still love him. I just dont think we were ever meant to be married.

No I am going to take somehting to help me sleep and i am going to try to get some sleep. I am not working tomorrow eaither. i need some space from work to deal with the shit in my head.

I have had a headache since Thursday. Everyday has been filled with neck pain, eye pain, and me feeling like I just got off a roller coaster. I have had enough of this feeling. I broke down and called the doctor who called me in a medication they dont make anymore - fucking genius.

Over the weekend I did try somethings to ease the feeling. The queasy stomach might be the worst of it all. Ugh. I did break down and take some percocet, but it only took the edge off.

Sam and i are getting along and things are moving swiftly. I cant say if that is good or not. It just feels a little surreal. I am excited for the short term, but scared for the long term. I want another baby so badly. And if I am not pregnant this month then I feel like that dream is lost. I feel like I will never be loved. I feel like I will never have happiness.

I do feel a little broken. I don know how I will ever find love again. I dont know how I will ever be loved for who I am. He really hurt me. He really broke my heart. I know that our relationship was not great and that it probably was not healthly - but I really love him. I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

So in my new life I have wanted to see what kind of men are out there. I did meet one I like, I really liked him, I felt some kind of connection. He is a swinger. Is that bad or good? I dont know. How did I sniff that out? So many questions about what is good and bad and all of that. I need a man that will love me for me, and likes to watch me get fucked! I know they are out there, please come to me. Please!

So it had been a while since I had gotten fucked. About a week. And I woke up Sunday morning in heat! I was seriously in heat. I knew right then and there that I had to fuck. Today was a Jamaican man I know, but never had fucked. I was not nervous at all but when he tried to get into the room and key would not work and the two of us are standing there and the hotel owner had to come out and help him get in the room on this Sunday Morning, I was embarrassed. The room very close to the office too. I had text him, please do not take a whole lot of time moving along, just get in there and start pounding my pussy. I was standing there and he grabbed my ass. Something I feel like I have been loving more and more lately. Bent me over and fondled it some more and undid my pants and pulled them down and then in like 10 seconds flat we were naked and I was on my knees. When I got a hold of his dick, I could have cried. His dick was huge, I could not put my hand around it, and it FILLED my mouth. I might have dropped a few tears on that one. I needed that SO Bad. That was a prayer answered. Of course the sex was good. I so wanted to ride it, i just had a feeling for it, but I could not be that brave. He came after a bit, but I was not done, as he washed up and I asked him if he could fuck me again. The second time was better. I got be honest it was all kind of a blur for me. I came at least 10 times. He pinned my arms down and I could not move. He was so strong. I looked at him at one point, and I could have kissed him. Which is odd for me because I dont really ever have that desire to kiss anyone. He wore my pussy out. Seriously it is still a little swollen! So when I woke up masturbating felt really really good.

I dont know what else to do right now, so blog was the best I came up with. The words are not flowing out of my mind. I have had a migraine now for 3 days. I have not taken anything to speak of on the chance I have maybe pregnant. Although today that does not seem like it is to be, my body is just not feeling that way. That feeling hits me with another layer of sadness, as now I need a man to have a baby with and who can help support that baby. Is that really achievable?

I realize I am so broken and so damaged. So much of my life has been enveloped by this twisted relationship and I dont really know how one should look. And I dont know how normal people have sex. I really want sex daily. Even if my mind does not want it my body does. And in all seriousness I dont want anyone who can not fuck at least every other day, and they got to have a great dick. Should that be my headline on match.com? WTF.

My parents are helping me a lot right now, emotionally, financially, and just taking care of me. My life is ok, I am getting through it. I cry a lot. Really out of the blue times I cry. Sam still comes to me and hugs me and tries to take care of me at times. I still cook and do laundry, he still sits in the chair and stares at the tv for 3 days straight now!

I told my daughter, her and I were going to get a house for just her and I becuase Daddy needed some alone time. She said ok, with no emotion. She is familair with the concept of "alone time" as I started that when she was very little, we all need a little alone to breath. And when I angry and frustrated I tell her I would like a little alone time and she understands. And she does the same to me. I like after school I try to talk to her about her day and she says " Mom I cant talk right now I just need a little alone time" and she stares into space and will fall asleep or will jump into conversation in about 5 to 10 minutes. She know her limits. That is a huge hurdle in life she already is able to manage. I am so proud of her. She was confused as to why Daddy is not coming to dinner and Gammy's house anymore, but alone time seemed to take care of that too.

I am 80% excited, 10% scared and 10% angry with him. All in all not a bad place to be. I have had so long to prepare myself because I knew it was coming, I could sense it. One more time this was not my choice but it should have been a long time ago.

The last time I had sex last week at some point, I cried all over him when he finished fucking me, so I have not been really ready to run out and do that again. But this morning I woke up and I NEED TO FUCK! I need to fuck so bad, and I could really use to be fisted. If I could have done that myself this morning I would have!

I still have a ridiculous headache, but I am going to have to do something fun today. I dont care if I go back to my moms and hang out with her, I am not staying here!

A good bye letter to my husband.

I have give you all of my love, my spirit, and my soul for the last 15 years. We struggled so much to make our lives what they are now. I carried you, you carried me, we leaned on each other. We had so much invested in our relationship and that sad truth is that it fell short. I was not willing to walk away when I needed to and you were not willing to rock the boat when you knew it was time. I know I love you unconditionally and even as we tear our lives apart, I know you love me. I question if you love yourself, and I worry about your well being. I know you have always believed you were never enough for me, but you were a good husband and your were a great friend, and a great father. And you were enough for me, I was willing to sacrifice so much to continue our marriage, but I could not sacrifice all of it.

I am so sorry I may have made you feel like I may not have loved you as much as I did. I know my pregnancy hurt you, and you felt deceived. I truly never intended for the outcome we got, but I have not regretted it for one second ever. Our daughter has transformed us as people, and all positive. I am sorry that hurt you. I have never wanted to intentionally hurt you.

And I know you may not understand how if I had such strong love for you, how was I not able to end the relationship with D, but to me those things are so separate and parallel that my love for you has never changed or diminished because of him. If anything your openness and acceptance of me made me love you more. But I was not able to end the relationship to D because it was the only thing in my life that made me feel like a women. In all other parts I felt like your child, your friend, your dependent, but rarely your wife and never your women.

I know that I had an obligation to show you more love and more respect. I felt like I did not quite know how to love you. I just was not sure how to show you that - and so you may have thought I never did love you. I did not respect you as a man in the last few years. I have been more then angry with you for you lack of communication with me and your lack of affection, and the emotional abandonment.

I am still so angry with you for not telling me how you felt earlier, for stealing precious time from me, for leaving me with the insane desire to have another child and not be honest with me and tell me you were not going to do that with me. I hate you for that. That is the cruelest thing you have done to me. I really hate you for that. And when I start to feel sad for you - I remember that and it does not bother me so much.

I do worry about your well-being. I feel like you are so broken that you will never feel happiness, and that you will never know true love. I pray that you continue to love our daughter and be the best dad you can be, because she loves you and I hope you will never walk away from her.

We began this as friends and I know we will end it as friends, but you broke my heart.

I am really overwhelmed. I am so upset thinking about my ability to manage my money. I dont know understand the tax ramifications for taking the cash out of the retirement. Is it really 20%. That is crazy. Anyone reading this a tax professional? I need some guidance.

I have a severe tension headache. Probably due to the lack of sleep from my night of being wide awake, thanks to the Chick Fil a ice tea, and thinking too intensly. My neck is getting sore as I type and my eyes are squinting. With much debate I opt to take an Ativan, in the hope this will not turn into a 3 days migraine.

I worry about taking the meds, because I was concerned about pregnancy. Because it would be the way I would have to do that, at the end of my marriage is the month i get pregnant. I was spotting yesterday, which I never do, and it was about 6 days past ovulation, when implantation occurs. Today here I am again my bathroom taking my bra off that my boobs were spilling out of to look at them and deciede if they looked diffirent. I have had a little cramping too. I dont know. I feel okay about all of that though, what can you do. I know a baby would complete me. I cant explain that need to have another baby but it is a need not a want.

Words are not flowing from my mind today. Like with all you windows users, I had to be put in safe mode, to function. Just that basics are working right now. I dont really have a particular need to fuck today, i do want some cuddle time naked in a bed, skin to skin contact with someone. That always leads to fucking but its the other stuff I need.

I need to allow myself be excited about life, my new life, and the excitement of being my own women and not trapped in a situation I had to make do with . Not that I dont love my husband but this excitement I have about freedom is exciting. Short Term I am not worried about a thing in the world. Long Term I worried about a few things. Not ever finding someone I can love and be faithful to or at least find the right time of relatinsionship for me. I have never even dated I have been with this man since I was 17 - I dont understand what dating is all about. I dont want to be alone. I dont think I do.

I am practicing a lot saying to myself - this is out of my control I am going to surrender and not fight what I can not change. Behave in a way I believe is productive and healthy and keep on trucking.

Truthfully, I thought of going to sleep in my own bed, with the man who just fucked me and waking up with him fucking me again, helps me get through the day. I could seriously do that every day. I love love love sex, Even when it is bad it so good.

I hitting the bed early tonight - Night...

I find myself wanting to come home to write, to drain my brain of all the the nonsense and all of the hurt. Sometimes I am talking and the tears just come, not meaning to show that emotion in front of people, but I begin to sob.

I really beginning to feel sorry for this man I have loved for so long. I know that my life will be ok. I know that my family and my friends will never let me flounder, but him he has no one. No family, but his crazy mother who lives 2 minutes from the Canadian border. That is all. He friends are limited as well. He has no desire to foster relationships with people or even me. I feel sad for him, and when my mom asked me what will his life be like I responded "i think he will kill himself". And I do believe that. He is too fragile and frankly six years of professional experience with mental illness and a lifetime of personal experience with family and myself, I can see he change in his eyes. I know the look of a psychotic person. I can see the pain in his eyes. But if he can not see it, and I can not help him and he views me as the source of his sadness - I have no options on that. I have to cut that man loose to languish in his own demons. I do love him though, I really do know that I love him, not how I love D but I love him and want happiness for him.

I get so excited about that thought of being me. I am salivating at the thought of any of my friends coming to my home and me being able to feel relaxed and not have to wake him up to shoo him out of my house before Sam (my husband) gets home. Or to have friends over and not have to listen to him complain because he does not like them.

Back to last night with B. I cant stop thinking about that way he grabbed my tits and kissed me. The way he fucked my ass as I was bent over on the back seat of his truck, how I squirmed and tried to get away from him and I ended up in the corner of the truck him on top of me, fucking my ass. He took my head and put my mouth on his dick and then he fucked my pussy.

On my back, on the back seat in the truck, I put my legs up in the air, resting them on the back of the front seat and pressing the other foot on the rear window. I dont know what he does with with his fingers in my pussy but it is ridiculous and I actually feel like I am going to squirt and resist that urge to to let myself sink into the orgasm because all i can think of is me squirting all over the leather seats of his truck. Before I knew it he was on his knees pounding my pussy. The truck was shaking from the momentum of it. And I looked at him while he was fucking me, feeling a little like an abused women, teary eyed. The scene reminded me of a lyric from a song by the bloodhound gang - the lapdance is better when the stripper is crying.

Ok so I did not want to say this, I dont know why. I am ashamed I guess. He fucked my ass with out a condom, not by my choice, he just did it and came - a lot - in my ass. It was a totally fabulous material for my rape fantasy. It really was hot. But I am shamed that I let that happen. But I am irritated that he would not see me again tonight. If he likes it - why not do it over and over again.? GRRRR

My head hurts and my body is weary. I am going to bed.

ok so a few things on my mind. I will try to keep it focus for you, but right now things are jumping around up there.

Crying less today then i was yesterday and beginning to become excited about the idea of freedom and not having to take care of this man anymore. Not having to be shammed for having and or desiring sex. Excited for new beginning choices and all that fun stuff.

Tears came today, when it was time to leave work and go home. I dont want to be here. I dont want to be here at all. My heart is indeed broken and this house is broken with it. I do not want to be here!.

Last night about 1 am I find myself in my car driving to meet someone I dont think I gave a name on here. He is the douche bag I later began to like a lot, so much so I needed to rein myself in. So here I think I will call him B. B will be the man who fisted me and brought me to blissful orgasmic peak and with whom having a conversation with has been difficult.

Since the day - good friday- i spent laying in his bed with him, I have bee a little bit taken. I probably think about him a little too much and probably want to see him more then I should. But I can want him all I want now - as I am soon to be a free women, but I do want him.

My face swollen from crying so hard and I feel used and broken, torn apart and like a failure, but in that truck it did not matter. At one point he grabbed my hair and pulled it back and grabbed my tits as I arched my back, it was a feeling of complete vunerabitly as he did what he wanted and my broken spirit took it, and I took it with pleasure, weeping a little, a whiny moan coming from my body confused by the intense pleasure and simultaneous intense emotional void. I felt a little bit taken - and I loved it. I said stop so many times, and he did stop, but how I wish he did not. After he came, he pulled me to him his arm around me and I laid on his chest and cried as he stroked my hair. Such a deep soulful cry, wetting his shirt with my tears. For a moment I thought I would get lost in that sadness, but I recovered and enjoyed some time being touched by a man, as I laid my head on his leg. I do love the way he touches me or the way that it feels. I wanted to seem him again, but he is busy or whatever, and I am sharply reminded that I am not anyones desire. Not their desire to love or comfort or even hang out with.

I am ashamed of some of my thoughts indeed. Sonny, I have to agree with your comment if not here...where could i share.

I am ashamed because I have been just as guilty in this farce as he. I made a deal with the devil that for financial security and love security I would give up my womanhood my sexual-ness, I would quench my need to be loved and fucked and push it away eat it away lie it away. I would make it go away any way I could. I lied to him, to myself and I have failed at this relationship.

I want bad things for him sometimes. I want him to feel pain, but even as I write that I know he has.

Tonight I am going to my moms for dinner - he is not invited. And I feel sad for leaving him behind. I want to make him dinner and take care of him, but I am fighting that urge tonight.

I am off for now.

Yesterday was not a good day. After talking with a friend, I go to leave and my damm car wont start. Battery issues that seemed a little bizarre, but none the less, my husband actually came to jump my car, because I did not have cables in the back. Ugh What a fucked up day. My husband actually thought I might have lured him there to kill him. He was serious and seriously looking around in a paranoid state. So could my day have been a little worse, probably, but it was damm close too pushing me over the edge.

This morning I arise to Mother's Day wishes and my husband really trying hard to make me happy. Which I feel like telling him to fucking pack his bags and peace - been nice knowing you. I wanted to go to a garden I like in my area, with my family, but he did not want to. He is like lets just stay home and relax. Really relax in the house full of resentment and disdain. Not sure if that is the way I want to spend my day. He then sets up a play for my daughter and sends her to the neighbors to play. So now he and I sit, I crying silently behind my computer screen, him bumbling around like some kind of buffoon, only thinking of his own happiness.

I think it is unfair he walks around unaffected and my heart is breaking.

My head hurts already from the immense tension, and part of me wants to spend the day with my mom in her arms. I feel so numb and so drained. I got to get out of this house, this marriage.

So I am been numb for a few hours now. I desperately needed someone to hug me, hold me, tell me I am ok. I still need that. It is just not going to be happening. My husband did come over to hug me saying he does not like to see me upset... is that not the stupidest thing you have ever heard from that man who does not love me.

Some of the thoughts I have are so shameful I can not even share them here. I know I that honesty with myself will free me, but I am so scared. I wonder how much worse I could feel then I do now and have felt for some time. I feel unloved and unwanted, useless and someone who is only good behind closed doors but never in the open.

My sister and I talked a long time about the unrelenting pain we experienced as children. I got so angry with my parents for that, then it all went away in a flash as I realize that they really did the best the could. Here today I am, trying to decide if this is the best I can do?

Have I been honest in my love?

Have I been forthcoming and free with it?

I dont even know how to love. For some real thoughts of the day, I like to fuck because I dont know how to make love. I dont know how to touch someone with love. I want to, I try to, I have the feelings inside me to shower the ones I love with all kinds of attention and caring and love, but it never really comes out. Even when I feel myself grasping someone in a hug, I am not thinking about them or love or anything but they probably dont want to be bothered with me. Even when someone will pull me to them, I cannot believe that they want me. The insecurities flood my mind and I am pulling away as quickly as I can. How did I become so broken?

So broken and sad. Still need some reassurance today, not sure I am going to find that though.

This was suppose to me a nice weekend. The first one my husband has been home in a month, I was so excited to hang out and have family time. My whole day has been lying alone in my bed or on the porch with tears steady falling.

I went to diner with my parents and my husband and daughter last night. They went home and I stayed out to do some shopping. Then I had a tarot card reading. Spent some time talking with my sister and arrived at home about 1 pm. Where I was greeted by my daughter who was still awake and I was reprimanded by my husband for being out late. In a nutshell telling me I am a bad mother for being out so late. During that conversation his phone is vibrating, I ask who it is he tells me some girl from high-school he has been talking to for a month, because she has been there for him, and he thinks he wants to leave me. But he was not sure he was not going to say anything until he knew for sure. When he said that, I sat there looking at him almost poker faced thinking to myself - did he just really say that? I asked him if he loved me and he said he did not know. Umm that would be a no then wouldn't it? Deja Vu! Is this not the same shit he did a few years ago to me. He tells me I have choices I dont have to wait for him to decide what to do. So to sum that up my choices are; wait for my husband to decide if he loves me or up root my daughter and life and leave him. HEll of a choice!

The tears are for my daughter, and the life we should have had, but even now the tears are not forthcoming. I am tired of begging to be loved. I am tired of feeling like I am not worthy enough for love. So with that I feel like I am done. I am a little scared to death, afraid of being alone, afraid of never finding someone to love me. I dont know if i have tears for the end of this marriage. I just dont know.

I wanted to go out today after work. More like every day this week. I dont like coming home too much anymore. I want to have some kind of connection. At this time I am not talking to many people in my life. I dont know why, two of my friends I just cant deal with right now. I dont really enjoy the monotony of the meaningless conversation online, and my husband continues to withdraw from me. I feel really alone. Most days I dont want to leave work, I like it there, I connect with people there.

Not one of those good days! This is one of those days I lay in my bed and cry feeling really hurt and really lost. And I seek out people to pick me up and dust me off. Why is life so hard? I just want to be loved and fucked and have real friends and meaningful relationships. I dont want to feel like no one loves me, that I do not matter to anyone. That is how it is feeling today. I dont know what it is but when I need support everyone I know lets me down. I told my mom I need some time to myself and she bitched and moaned about me taking a half hour after work when I got to pick up my daughter she was sound asleep at 530 - there goes my night sleep. I need a vacation. I tell my husband that and he tells me to go ahead and go somewhere... umm that means by myself. That shit just really hurts. So today I just need a hug and some love from someone, but I am pretty sure i will not find it. Christ even taking a walk with someone - other then my child. I feel like I deserve at least that much.

Made dinner, now I am going to go clean up the potted plant that blew of its stand the other day, and broke, leaving dirt and the shattered pot all over my bedroom floor. To be followed by bath time, hair braiding, lunch packing, teeth brushing book reading and then I am going to lay in my bed and most likely cry myself to sleep.

In the time I got on here I already got into an argument with someone on my YM. WTF.

My mom always told me I would be happiest living in Alaska with a bunch of those sled dogs, miles and miles from people. I am beginning to believe her.

I was asked - Why the video why he blog.

I just spent 1 hour and a half mowing my lawn, my titties bouncing so hard some times I have to hold them down with my arm so they dont hurt. Riding around I imagine someone watching me. That is the ultimate fantasy for me. Someone watching me do all the normal things I do in my life and maybe getting off to the image of my titties bouncing on the mower, or me walking out to get the mail. Just to be watched and know it or not know it. To have the violation of my privacy. I am sure it all stems from some child hood trauma but none the less - that is why i do it.

And the feedback is what makes it work for me, to hear the comments to know people are reading and watching. It makes it that much more real for me.

Going to bed for a sexless night. Just hope I can sleep tonight.

It has become really clear to me, relationship are becoming more and more important to me. Ugh. I find myself talking more then I am fucking lately. That is surprising to me and makes me want to re-evaluate what I am doing. Are relationship really important to me? I keep going back to this moment when I kissed someone, half asleep after fucking and we kissed, and at first I was kinda like ugh because I try not kiss, but I felt myself melting into the kiss into him and I really loved it. It felt so good like that soul satisfying good. Does that mean I need more then just a hard dick? That cant be right, can it?

Struggling to sleep for the last few nights, still not a good night sleep.

A friend of mine asked me the other day, do you think you and your husband will be together forever, No I answered adbrutptnly. At one point in my life, I believed we would, but it does not seem as though I can keep this pace up for the rest of my days with him. At some point I want to live in the house with the man that can make me feel like a women, a whore and make me feel loved. It is not enough for me to just slip by life getting my needs met through a long list of men, each of which only satisfy one aspect of my spirit or body.

That became really apparent talking about the Jamaican guy who comes by sometimes. The sex is nothing to speak of really but I love laying in his arms talking about life. His spirit makes me want to know him more, and touch him, love him. Sincere is how I would describe him. And if he does not make me cum hard when I see him then clearly it is something other the sex. Not that I am in love with him, that is not it either, but I do care for him.

Last night I found these words leaving my mouth " I feel as if I am ALWAYS on some kind of philosophical journey, and I can never get off. Always evaluating , reevaluating and trying to decide what feels good and what is bad, what agrees with my beliefs and what feels wrong. Always in contemplation! Im tired. I just want to be and stop thinking about it so hard" .

Alright off to work...

njsubmissivegirl at yahoo messenger.... not email messenger.

I am super horny today. I dont know why, maybe that is why I can not sleep at night this feeling of unsatisfied desire. Loosing my focus quickly today. The house looks worse now then it did earlier, I am floating from task to task getting not much of anything done. I spent an hour watching old clips of Ricky Lake Show, and I did put some laundry away. I keep trying to refocus my thoughts but I am having some issues with it. So I thought let me give into it, think about it, write about and then hopefully I can leave it and move forward.

Somedays I think about this fantastic fantasy I have about all the men I have ever fucked, and having them all at one time. Now this fantasy began when I was about 18 and at that time there were like 5 guys, but now there are more than 5 and it is not quite as workable. But nonetheless I group in some of my favorites and most extreme for a mind blowing fantasy. At this point I can not reveal the line up - that would just make some people angry with me, because everyone believes they are the best - and in their own way they are. Everyone excels in some aspect.

But it would go something like 20 of the finest most fun, most intense experiences I have had in one room me on the bed and them interchangeably fucking me raw, fucking my mouth, pussy and my ass. They would all talk about me, like I was not there. Each sharing secrets of me that only they were able to figure out. No one would talk to me, unless it was to tell me I was a "Good Girl" or to tell me what to do. It would be total objectification, and it would seriously start with the white guy who sucked on my pussy until it was swollen and and super sensitive. I can not believe I do not have a picture of that, but that man blew my mind. My pussy lips and clit were super swollen in was best feeling in the world.

Oh god that did not help. I remember planning a rape fantasy out, this guy was going to abduct me in the parking lot outside of the gym. Never happened though, too risky, but the talking about it was intense. When I was training in martial arts, ,y boyfriend used to come and watch me. Then we would go home and fuck like wild fucking animals I was drenched in sweat, face still warm, he would strip me down and fuck me while our bodies slid together from the sweat. He would be super rough with it too, something about seeing me fighting people and all that yelling made him want me.

Then my husband used to love to see me on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, more then once he would get down on the floor and hit me from the back while I was scrubbing the floor.

Maybe I just my pussy to hurt, but damm if D could not get it hurting from the other night, then what the hell is? I like to be sore sometimes. I feel it creeping up on me, the manic nympho with no fucking way to calm herself. Ugh... going to do something now.. ....

2 nights with no sleep is not really working for me. D kept me up most of one night and when he left I could not sleep. I asked to use my vibrator while he fucked me but he would not let me, but when he left I grabbed it just as soon as I could. That kept me up for awhile. Last night, I was exhausted. When I got home at like 6ish I felt like I could sleep then. By 9 I was done. I could not get comfortable though, my body was frustrated, so got that magic wand out, but even after the intesinty of that kind of orgasm I could not sleep. 4 more hours of tossing and turning. Then my daughter waking me up 3 or 4 times. (Tapping me on my shoulder)" mom there is a stink bug on the plant in the bathroom" and "mommy where is my baby doll" and mommy can you turn my show on" I get back to sleep about 10 ish and my husband wake me up coming up stairs to check on us, since it is odd for me not to be up by 8. So with that I give up!

Playing domestic goddess today. Cooking baking finishing the laundry a little cleaning, and I dont plan on getting out of my pjs unless it is to go sit in the hot tub.