I tried writing in a journal what I needed to say the other day, while sitting on the beach. I tried to write things I wanted to say about T, to T, but it never really sounded how I wanted it to sound. And when I write for the sake of writing with no one to read, it kind of feels like no one hears me, and I still carry my thoughts with me.

Today I am in heat! Perhaps it is the humidity, or stress, or the fact that i love to fuck with all the other things. But I am in heat. I really thought that having sex regularly (which I have been pretty regularly with T) would stop that sudden heat feelings, although I am glad they are not gone. I do love the intensity of it, the feeling of I gotta have it right now. With the gotta have it right now feeling comes the gotta realize I cant always have it right here and now.

In the morning, I felt really good, slept good, felt good, and then I felt like I need to be spanked. My underwear was feeling kinda good, I liked the way my body felt hyper sensitive today. I have been wet all day. By lunch time, I had worked myself into a frenzy thinking about bondage and spanking, pain and submission.

Side Note about submission. T corrected my the other day on something I had said that was grammatically incorrect. I liked it. I like that I dont know that I am more intelligent person in the relationship, in fact I am pretty sure I am not. And that is nice. Sounds crazy when i say that but I never feel like I got to dumb it down for him. Not that I am calling people dumb, we all have strengths. I still feel the desire to submit to him. I am attracted to him on some many levels, and part of me wants to be on my knees in front of him waiting for him do as he pleases with me.

Right now all I can think about is his dick in my mouth.

But by 3, I needed to FUCK!. I looked like a crack head anxious and antsy. I needed to fuck bad! I felt weird calling T to ask him if we could work that into tonights schedule. I mean my first and only thought was of T. New to me. I usually would call someone and if they could not I would continue down the list. I did eventually call him because I realized that if this was a relationship that would be successful I would have to tell him when I needed it, so he could meet my needs. Right? I think that is what you do. I mean who would not want someone to call them and tell them they need to fuck you right now?

Well tonight I am on my own. Work, kids, life makes it a bust for tonight. I am ok though. I think the worst of the gotta have it is over for tonight. I made it!! I am going to do something that will make me sweat and pant a little, like carry some heavy boxes and maybe some yard work, maybe wash my car, then tonight when my daughter is asleep I am breaking out the toy bag so I can think clearly and sleep!

Im kind of proud of myself today. Following my heart and not my body, but this is not easy as I am squirming in my chair as i type this, seeing if I cant get the seam of my jeans to hit my clit. And it feels good to blog, like a conversation with an old friend.

So as I type this I begin to think perhaps this will be the end of the njsubmissivegirl. Maybe it is time for me to move on at let this go.

T is still reading. Of course he is right. I should have assumed as much, but he told me he would not read anymore, and I felt ok with that. I believed him when he said he would not. Not that I mind, because I dont. And I realize I appear a little disconnected at times, and if reading what I write might give someone a better idea of what I feel I am ok with that. Either way what i write is not intended to be held secret it is just so much easier for me to relax my mind and release the bullshit here. I can have a few quiet moments and let my fingers type out the things I am scared to admit or say and I can leave it all right here. I am a little embarrassed, some of the things I write are embarrassing to me.I would never want him to see some of it, like just how intensely I love him - its early too early too share that. I dont want to scare him away.

So I feel like the blog has given T a lot of insight into who I am and how I work, but the blog will never fully give a true picture of who I am. The blog tends to be about extremes. Extreme feelings on either side, but extreme enough I need to let them go. I dont want someone to know me for what they read. I am more then what I lay down on the these pages. This is a piece of me, albeit an intimate account of my life, sometimes the things I write here are just a fleeting thoughts. I have lots of fleeting thoughts - most hold no real meaning in my life.

So during a phone conversation last night, the blog was brought up and in a matter of minutes, he told me he was going that this had just went haywire. My heart stopped, I really could not breath. I looked at the clock 12:07am and I began to cry, it was the like the shoe had finally dropped. In my head like a rollar coaster through emotion I began to hear my pray of please dont let this man crush and thinking - he is going to crush me. right now this is over. It was surreal and all the inflation my heart felt from loving this man began to leave my body and like sinking vessel. I just kept saying no dont go, dont go and saying his name. I felt so angry at myself for this fucking blog, for the power I have give the njsubmissivegirl.

He did not hang up, we talked awhile more, and while i know that he loves me, i think he is scared. And I guess I would be scared if I read all this shit about me and knew I was giving myself to me. I know that I love him. I am scared too though. I want to make sure my behavoir lines up with my feelings. I have made poor choices in my life, and when I am feeling low sometimes I flocked to someone for an easy fix. Fix with dick, but fix nonetheless. Im just scared too, I dont want anyone else, but Im scared - what if I fuck this up? I dont want to fuck this up. I am really good at fucking things up.

Yesterday I went to the doctor to adjust my lap band. To increase my restriction so I can loose weight again. That was intensely emotional process. It is so much more to me then diet assistance. It meant another chapter of my book is ending. It meant I am no longer trying to get pregnant, that I am moving forward with getting my body back to where it needs to be.. It meant having to rely on something else to comfort me. I did it. It has been ok so far. It is an emotional process for me. Sometimes I just want to eat alone, since I got the band, so I can think about what it is I am doing and think about why I am eating.

T came over later that night. You know he makes me think so much. Sometimes I still feel like he is hot and cold. Sometimes, from my point of view, he gets scared and he says things maybe to push me away a little. Or I could just be over reacting and being overly sensitive. Each time I see him, I feel closer and deeper in love with him, and as he laid in my bed last night and I looked into his eyes, I was saddened by the thought that he will have to get up and leave me tonight. I held him so close to me. I did not want to let him go. And as I look at him, I am just paralyzed by him, I can think nothing but we were meant for each other. I just think to myself how incredible and what an fabulous blessing in my life that I have met this man. It just feels really like we were meant to be together.

Please God do not let this man crush me. I pray that all the time. Each time I open myself up a little more and I just pray to God that he will not crush me.

I love that T is able to manage his life, and well, all by himself, He does not need me, rather wants me. I love that he is funny and quick witted. I love the way he makes love to me, I love that he is a giver, and he is affectionate, that he cares about his kids and parents them. I love his eyes, his lips, I love to hear his stories. Dear God it feels good to be in love.

today I woke up at 11. I must have been really tired. I went to a graduation party, but on the way there my phone rang. I did not intend to answer it, but i did. It was D. I almost could not speak. He kept asking what was wrong. He told me he was going to be going back home for awhile because his aunt had passed, and he kept probing. After a few questions I pulled my car over, and took a deep breath and went for it. I began to tell him that I was moving and my marriage was over, and he asked why? And I continued to cry through the story sobbing, tears streaming and when it was done I just sat there waiting for the phone to click for waiting for him to say something shitty. But he did not. He tried to soothe me, asked me how Levi was handling the changes, he became my friend again. It felt really good to hear him talk to me as a friend again. He told me not too worry and he would help me with anything I needed. It made me feel like perhaps all those years I was not in love with someone not worth loving, but maybe I was forcing a feeling that just was not there. Either way I was overcome with emotion again, sitting in the car trying to compose myself to get out and attend this graduation party. I suck it up, put on a little make up and I walk in there and try to get through. I started to feel nauseated, and was having trouble holding back some tears, so I left, and left my daughter there with my parents. I had to pick up some food so I hit up the grocery store real quick and I came home and passed out. Passed Out! Woke up a few hours later, not know where I was or what was going on.

This morning my heart was heavy, but this afternoon I feel a bit more free from it. T has been hijacking my every thought, and every moment. I was having one of those horrific end the fiscal year days at work, and I took ten minutes to sit down and call my mom. I just wanted to talk to her. She asked me what was going on and I just exhaled and very calmly said " I am in love with this man T, I am just so in love with him" She said "ok". In a quiet fearful way.

My parents are incredible people. I know that they devoted their lives to their children and everything they ever did was on our behalf. I know that they made some poor choices and have poor coping skills, but as I continue to journey on in my life, I can see so much more clearly how giving they are and how they will do anything to see their children happy. I am saddened I am unable to freely speak to my parents about how I feel, but it is just not like that with them. And with me. I think about that often, and sometimes I want to tell just how much I love them, but in all seriousness, I dont think that they would be able to handle hearing that. It would become and awkward and weird moment I would rather not have.

I am still packing at this house of mine. I have everything I dont really need in the next month packed and stacked in the dining room, once used for holiday dinners and birthday parties. Now how become storage. The photos are all down and it feels cold in here. The air almost feels dead. It is not a nice feeling here. Im not sad, just indifferent and ready to bounce.

I saw T for a few moments today, like an hour, but dam it felt like 10 minutes. I was feeling very confident about our connection, but he has had some questions. Like can he every satisfy me? Like what makes him enough for me, when no one else has been? That shit kind of sits in my head and I try to think it through. I simply do not know if he be able to satisfy all my needs forever, or for the next month or the next year. I dont know, and I dont know if he will be satisfied by me. It is a risk. I know right now I am satisfied. Right now I do not feel compelled to see or fuck anyone else, I dont feel interested in anything but him. I have though about sex with some other people, and when i think about what it would feel like I dont get excited anymore. That is new for me. It is new for me to not been thinking about the next move I am going to make to have sex. I used to feel like I was starving, and now I feel full.

Is he enough, I think so. I think so. I dont usually change my mind on how I feel about people. I can not imagine me just not loving him. Relationships change, needs change, and even love changes. Right now he is enough. And I love him. He keeps me thinking for sure. I feel myself self censoring right now which I had tried not to do, but I am trying. There is more I want to say about him, but I am just not able to go there right now. Still thinking about the baby thing, we talked about it last night. I just dont know where his head is at with that....

He said in conversation that I have never been in a real relationship. Hmmm had to think that one through, They were real, just not good, but they were good at one point right? You see too much thinking. I dont really care to pick this apart. Just feels right and feels incredible! I dont want to think about anything but making love with him and sharing my life with him. That is all.

This house is starting to feel like a cage to me. I am tired of being here, trying to be nice, trying to separate and situation all the shit I have accumulated, while Sam neatly packs 3 boxes and leaves everything else in this house for me to deal with. Just keep telling my self I am almost at the he finish line for this house shit to be over. Almost! I got to keep looking out to the horizon and not get all caught up in whats floundering at my feet. Take a deep breath and walk on.

I would love to sit and unload my mind this morning but I need to go already. At this rate, I am already going to be late.

To respond to the comments from the other day:

It is not the end of the njsubmissivegirl blog. I dont think so anyway, but then again, I never thought my life would like it does today. So you just dont really ever know.

I really dont think T will continue to read. I dont feel all the compelled to self sensor, I feel like he knows all the dirty little secrets now and there is just nothing I dont think I would want to write that I would not want to talk to him about or that I would want to hide from him.

Take me "As-Is". Point taken on that. However, I feel like T might be pretty darn close to taking me as is. I realize that there are parts of me that want to be treated like a slut, and want to be abused and feel like nothing but an object. In all honesty I think T is open to lots of thing sexually and I am really confident he will me my needs. He defiantly has thus far. I dont know if the videos really freaked him out. He did not seem freaked out by them at all. It is just sex afterall. He watched them all, they had much less impact on him then my words did.

So too soon to be in love... perhaps. I cant help it at all. I swear to God I have been waiting for this my whole life. My whole life. This is what love really feels like. I am not so naive to think that this will be forever - or am I? I am not ruined at all. I am totally content and in love and excited to continue to get to know this man.

So moving on to new business.

I have thought so much about T. I do think about where things go, after the love is established where do things naturally go? Like, what now? Does there have to be a what now? I do still think about a baby.

It kind of goes like this. I love being a parent. I have held onto the idea of having a new baby for 5 years, that feeling will not ever just go away with a snap of my fingers. But I dont want to have a baby to raise on my own - that I was okay with just a few months ago. I want to share a child with a man I love. I want a child to be an expression of love and and come from the bond I share with its father. So where does that leave me... I dont know. I just dont know. T has four children. Crying a bit thinking of that now. I just dont know. I mean physically he cant give me a baby - not with out medical intervention. And I would be lying if sometimes I did not hope to God that his vasectomy failed. Realistically, I just got to follow my heart right now. I have no choice. And at some point if I have to choose I guess I will have to choose. I can not predict nor do i care to delve into defining my future right now. I am in love baby, love.

So I am also a little drunk right tonight. Been packing and drinking again. No tears tonight though, just some sense of closure and peace.

So D, did call me the other day. I did not pick up one time and the next I just pretended like I could not hear him. Ridiculous I know. I need to have a conversation with D. Not so much for him or maybe for him, for me for our daughter. I just feel like I need a face to face. I dont want to have to say all this on the phone. The problem with that, D is not going to come up here to talk to me. So I just keep putting it off. I dont know the solution here. I need to talk about him seeing his daughter and his role in her life. Like five years ago we once sat down and mapped out how we would manage our daughter, our relationship, his expectation and fears, and my expectations and fears, we need to do it again. Still t0o new though. Still too new for me to say what I want to say. And part of me wonders will I feel differently if I see him? Will old feeling be revived if I see him? When I talk to him, I def do not feel the same, I have no desire to fall to his submission and dump all my love on him, I care about him and I do not want to hurt his feelings, but I also dont want him be anything but my friend. So I could see us talking like we used to and ending with a hug. I think that is realistically, I mean he is a realistic man most of the time. Just not looking forward to this conversation. If I did not have my daughter, I think I would just change my number, as I am pretty sure he would not bother to seek me out.

I had a conversation with young boy today, he been txting a lot lately to come by and see him. I have ignored him, told I could not , told him I had my period, but today I just told him that I was in love and I dont want to mess that up for anything. So I was ok with that. I like young boy and I like fucking him, but I really dont know how T feels about that, and it does not matter so much because my head is not there. Not right now anyway. All free time I have I want to be with T. Maybe that might change - or not. Right now, I got to do me. Makes me a little sad because I realize I was getting more then just orgasms for some of these men. I was getting friendship and conversation and fun. I did not realize how much I was invested into some of these people, until I could step back and think about what was really happening.

A few months ago, the man who came in my ass in the back of the truck. He left a comment so cruel I can not post it. It was mean, I cringe even reading it. What concerned me more was that I really thought that he cared about me. He cant possibly care about me in away and say that kind of crazy mean cruel shit.

And I realize that people who enjoy fucking me will feel a loss, but can anyway tell me some positive shit. Just one good for you? I'm happy for you? I hope it works out for you? Go ahead girl, do you! Can someone throw me a bone. You guys have always support the self destructive behavior why not support this?

That sounds a little bitchy I think but not meant to be, I going to end it here, I have def drank a little too much.

So Sam is packing his belongings up last night and today. I am starting to feel a bit petty. Not really proud of that but i am feeling petty. I offered him some boxes if he needed some last week, and I got a snotty response of "everything I own will fit in clothes baskets and a few trash bags". Ok, so last night he asked for a box, and I was sure if you need a box go ahead. This morning I see he has 3 now, and I am pretty sure he took some shit that belong to me. And I think I just heard him pour a bowl of my captain crunch. I dont like these petty feelings. I just now started an argue with him. I hate him, with as much devotion as I once had. I dont even want to look at him. I want to vomit when I look at him. One More week of him living here! One more week. I can do this! I can do this. I can keep it together long enough I dont loose it for 7 more days.

I look at this person and he is so fucking pathetic and sad. I can not believe I ever held on to this. And for fucking what, what did I need this shit for in my life. He can not even take care of his very basic needs.

So just as several months ago I prayed to God to take D away from me, to free me from his chains, I pray to God to take Sam away. Take him back to his mom or take him into the arms of some women who will take care of him, because I dont want to be leeched off of anymore. And the fuck face did just sit here and eat my captain crunch. Like there was no problem with that. I kept my mouth shut on that one. I felt like I could start throwing some furniture today.

I truthfully do not even want to leave my daughter with him today. I think I will be sending my parents over for a pop in to to see whats happening here today.

How I wish I was not working today so I can handle this shit. It's pms week too, been alright all week but today got some hormones pumping through my veins, not a good combo.

God give me some peace today, Keep me busy this week so It can pass with ease.

This has been one of the most exhausting weeks of my life. I have not made it into my house before 7 all week. 12+ hour days all week to be followed with a 10 hour work day tomorrow for some extra money. Im beat, but I am also feeling compelled to visit here.

T seems to question me a lot about how I feel about him. It makes me think. Sometimes when I look at him I have no conscience thoughts, I have this warm happy feeling coming from my chest and it just feels so fucking incredible. I look at him and think in my head "im so in love with this man, I am not even listening to anything he is saying, but I am so in love with him". I dont know - is this normal?

So I was thinking about how I felt when I knew I loved some other people in my life. At first I thought it was very much that same but I think I just wanted to remember it that way. I wanted to a put a positive touch to it.

The men before Sam, were just boys in high school, just infatuation, and figuring things out. No love at all, but I still care about them. But not love.

So when I met Sam, I was just intrigued, then I was just horny, and I was very horny for about 2 years, but it was a very long time before I felt like I was in love with him. We had been dating 4 years years before we got married and in all honesty maybe I was not so sure I was IN LOVE with him. I knew I cared about him, I knew I loved him, but the type of romantic love was not there. Of course I dont think I was really ready or willing to see that.

Then when I met D, I immediately felt something, but it was in my pussy not my heart or my head. I wanted his body, his strong dominance, his heavy hand, but i did not want his love. and when he told me he loved me I scolded him for it. It was a while before I was able to realized that I was in love with him. Probably a year or so. We had a little bit of a touch and go relationship, more like love and hate. I would bet D would meet the criteria for BiPolar D/o too. Then when you have someone's baby growing you it kind of makes you see only the positive things, or at least for me. I like to focus on the good things. But was it love or dependence? an intense deep need to feel like someone wanted me?

So maybe T has made me question what love is and how it really feels. I feel 100% confident I am in love with him, with out a doubt, but has there been enough time for me to feel like that?

He has some feelings some where in there but I am afraid he is leaving me a little bit in the dark as to how he is really feeling. He said something about me needing a security blanket - and so then I need to self evaluate... could I be using T to make me feel secure and wanted?

I dont think I am. I know plenty of people infatuated with me who would be happy to give me some love and security. I hate self doubt. I want to really be truthful with myself, I dont want to hurt myself or him. I certainly do not want to trick myself. But at some point I dont want to pick this apart. I want to enjoy it. I want to enjoy how happy he makes me, and how awesome it feels to love someone.

At this point, I can not worry too much about it. Whatever will be will be. Im going to enjoy it. And when i saw him briefly tonight I was reminded that this was not a feeling that originates from my pussy but comes from a different place. Not that I do not want to fuck him, because I do, but I it is just different, it is easy and unforced. i dont have to talk to myself into liking him. It just is there, I dont fake smile, it just comes.

So i was told I was entering "relationship mode" and that has ruined many sluts. I find myself ignoring texts now, deleting contacts. People that have once amused me have become a nuisance and irritate me when I get a text and I am hoping it is from t and it is just someone else. This is uncharted territory, because I realize I dont totally understand this relationship thing or how this affects me. I know before people try to fence me in, and I resist like I am fighting for my life. I struggle with their boundaries, their desire to withhold new pleasures from me make me crave it like mad. But right now I have no desire to see anyone else. No need for dick from anyone else. It is weird for me to feel that way. i feel kinda of bad for my jamican friend. Our friendship began as sexual but seriously when we fuck it is like 2 mins and then 2 hours of talking. I feel like he might be the most real person I have met in my sexual journey and I really care about him. I dont love him, and does not love me. We talk about the people we love with each other, but I care about him a lot. And you know i am sure he will always be my friend, but I just feel a little bad. Hard to articulate why though.

I have hit the wall tonight, 9pm and I am struggle to stay awake. I am going to bed my body needs some rest - as well as my mind.

Wow I was not prepared for this evening. Not at all.

I had a rough day at work, fight after fight after fight. The full moon, and I heard someone say there was a lunar eclipse last night and we are close to the summer solstice all things that affect peoples behavior. Either way a day from hell. I wanted to talk to T toward the end of my day. I wanted to see him, but I would settle for a phone call. He called me at work, and then our conversation continued in the car. I enjoy talking to him. I have about a 25 min car ride to my moms house to pick up my daughter and about 1/2 mile from my destination, he tells me he read my blog. At first I am in disbelief. Thinking he is just fucking with me a bit, but No. He read the blog, he saw the videos. There are no more secrets. He saw the parts that I talked about how much I like him and well how I feel like I am in love with him. Oh yes! All of it.

I started to cry as soon as I realized he really read it. I immediately began to prepare myself for my last conversation with T, as I am sure in my head this will be the end of our relationship. I am already in my head trying to steady myself for the blow.

It did not come though. He talked to me for awhile, and he said somethings that concerned me but also reassured me too. I was really embarrassed that he had read the information about how I felt about him. The words are not even flowing tonight on this one. I am still stunned and someone perplexed and really waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I dont think he really believes I have fallen in love with him. And he does not totally understand my feelings for other people and how they fit into my life and how he fits in and how he is different then other people.

At some point I have to throw up and let the pieces land where they may. I love T. Im going to own it. The 3 men I have really loved in my life, I knew right away. I need time to know if I love someone. I think that maybe T does not understand that. Love comes from a deep place, that you can not control. I dont need a certain timeframe for love to occur, or anything in particular. When it is there it is just there.

Going to pray for a little bit of forgiveness for myself, I am ashamed of something of the things I have done. All foolish pride aside - I do have some regrets. And if I am being totally honest I do have some shame.

T told me he would not indulge in the blog anymore, but I dont know if he will or not. He has been reading it for a few days. And kept that to his self. He came over last night and talked and never said anything. How does someone keep such big secrets. Oh and the bi polar shit - knows that too. Awkward to say the least, but maybe it is better this way. Who am I kidding... i kinda of feel like this is the begining of the end.

This divorce is such and emotional roller coaster. Im happy then I am sad, I am terrified then I am blissfully excited. Today I am blissfully excited. I woke up with a smile on my face. It feels good today. Really Good. My new house is out of attorney review period and unless some unforeseen event occurs I will be in my new place August 1. I am really excited! I am beyond excited I will not have to see Sam everyday and I dont have to take care of his ass anymore. He is actually complaining how bad he has been feeling due to his lack of nutrition, He has been eating junk food and take out for about a month now. You would think you would do something to help yourself - nope not him. He just whines about it and does nothing. Really frustration for someone who wants a man who can take care of himself.

My aunt got a reading the other day from a medium. She talked about me. She asked my aunt if I was still trying to be with "that black man", because he is no good from me and I need to stay away from him. That would be D. And when my mom told me that I said I am not trying to be with him, I have let that ship sail. I cant love broken people anymore. Not that I am sure i will not have a lot of sadness on this but it just must be that way.

I am going to see T today, just for 2 hours before he has to go to work. I am defiantly falling in love with him. Most defiantly!

I notice my conversation with my friends have been more in depth, more free, more unconstricted. I realize that I was always trying to conform to what he thought was right in his small minded back wood values.

Free at Last! God it feels so good!

This has been a difficult day for me. The storm last night had me up a while and frankly a little scared. My house is a wreck, boxes and junk all over. Just stuff that does not feel like my life anymore. This house does not feel like my life anymore, my life does not feel like my life anymore.

Work was really much more hectic then it should have been. Full moon is approaching I believe and I dont care what anyone says, that does impact the mentally ill people in a negative way. You can feel the angst in the room. It is palatable. The misery and the consumption in delusion and paranoia is just about enough to consume your own mind. Just a rough day.

D called me today. I did not want to answer the phone, but frankly I did kind of want to see what he had to say. He is cold. That is not something I ever noticed before, even though I have always known it was there. He states he wants to come over, but my schedule is not going to allow that, Sam is working days and I am in no hurry to explain the changes in my life. It is over with D. I feel it within myself, I feel it in him. I dont get excited for his call anymore, I dont feel butterflies anymore - I just feel a sense of lose, a sense of disappointment and most of all the feel he is broken person just as I have been. To sum up our conversation. He will call me another time. I wonder if he can sense my feelings... I am pretty sure he can.

Yesterday i spoke with T on the phone. I really like him a lot. Sometimes I feel like he is a little hot and cold. But honestly I think that is me just trying to navigate through a normal relationship. Whatever it is I rely heavy on the universe these days. I am a huge believer in a higher power who I call god sometimes, or the universe. They are the both the same to me. I rely on God to provide me with whatever I need right now, because I am not sure what other choices I have. So if T is what I need, some fun and some romance I am going to go with it, and try not to over analyze it. Im going to try, anyway.

Tonight I am home alone. Drinking a little packing a little grieving a little. It is a process I need to go through. I cried a few times today at work, alone in the kitchen or bathroom, in the office with my coworkers. Im sad for my marriage ending. I loved Sam with everything I had at one time in my life. We built a life together. So sad to see how two people can be so in love and end it to the point where they dont want to be near each other. It hurts a little more then I would like.

So should settle on my house before Aug 1. So let the count down begin.

I dont think i will see T for the next few days, because of his work schedule. :(

Just me and my baby girl all weekend.

It is 4am, and after an hour of rolling around my bed, I deciede maybe I need to unburden my soul. This 3 am wake up shit is starting to wear me down a bit. I dont remember the last good full night sleep I have had.

I spent yesterday with T. I came over his place after dropping my daughter at school about 930a, we laid in bed and we made love for a couple hours. He tied me up yesterday. Sometimes when I look at him I want to fall to my knees into submission and give myself to him. We have talked about out mutal love for BDSM, but this was my first time going there with him. Let me start with, I love the look on his face as he ties me, he is in his zone and I am in mine. There nothing more satisfying then being at his mercy, while he ties my hands above me to headboard and my ankles are bound and and secured to the headboard as well. After that we pulled ourselves together and left the apartment. I had some crucial banking to be done so we went there and he had to run into a store to grab something, so we did that, and then we went and saw a movie. At the movie and blissfully sat next to him snuggling into him, his arm around me, my hand on his leg. Then we went to for a very long drive to some place that has great ice cream, we sat on a bench ate ice cream and talked. We took another very long relaxing drive back. We talked about so much. Im in love with this man. He asked me what I like about him. I was a little frustrated with myself I could not say what it was to his face. I can say what a need to about a lot of things, but if I love you I can not easily spew my heart to you. I guess I have been hurt before, although I would prefer to think maybe I just am a little reserved. In time I can share my feelings. With D I can for the most part. I have not always got the response I needed but I still shared. I like him because he is confident and cool, he has manners and is smart, he knows who he is, and he is so fucking sexy, is what I later told him via text. I love that he is a man, meaning he knows how to handle his self and he thinks, not some cave man type mentality, a thinker, and artist, a poet. '

So this is what is burdening my soul. After we come back from the drive we are laying in bed again, we were talking about the neighbor kids, and he talks about how he is done with young kids and that part of his life is over. Maybe he felt my uneasiness with that, or maybe more likely it was written on my face. After we are in bed naked holding on to each other he says "you wanted more kids didn't you, I cant give you that" (vasectomy) I think I started to cry instantly, I turned my head and smiled and tried to laugh it off but the tears came and he pulled my face toward his and apologized, he had not realized this was such a sensitive subject. It is beyond a sensitive subject for me. I have thought about that, that here I am falling in love with this man, and that would mean no more babies for me. He held me and tried to lighten the mood. I wanted to run out of there. I did not want to cry in front of him and I did not want to stay after I did. I just wanted to get out of there ASAP. I laid there a little while longer, composed myself and then told him I had to go. I made it all the way down the steps before I began to cry again. It was not tears rolling down my face this time, it was sobbing - coming from my soul and my intense need have a baby. I cried hard for about 35 minutes in my car.

I dont know what the solution to my baby issue is but please let god hear my prayer that I need some assistance with it, some guidance, some peace.

I was on my way to pick up my contracts for my new home. They were inside the door at the house. I drove there very unsure about myself, crying and whimpering I walked up the steps of my new home, still just 2x4s inside, opening the door, I and a new sensation I did not recognize. It was a feeling of warmth in my belly and a little peace in my heart. I just grabbed my contracts and walked back out. I went to my moms house to review the contracts with my parents, my face swollen from crying my heart a little broken.

I come home to my baby girl, cold and withdrawn from me, letting me she "had no fun with daddy, he would not play with me". Her heart is a little broken too. I did not fall asleep fast and not with out a sleeping pill but I still am up again in the middle of the night.

My eyes are swollen and red. I miss T, I miss being in his arms, kissing him, listening to him talk, his eyes, I am so far gone on this one.

5am now, Damm I dont want to go to work.

I had a good talk with my soon to be ex today. We do love each other, not as husband and wife but we are still friends. I had a few tears today as he came over and hugged me and kissed me on my head. It makes me sad we were not able to make our marriage work, but we do have a relationship as we always have. We are going to be alright.

Housing woes have killed me today. So much stress and the moment, so much drama back and forth, contracts not signed yet. Ugh killing me. Keeping my fingers crossed for Sat being out of the attorney review period. Keeping my fingers crossed and feeling so blessed that I have the people I do in my life to help me. My parents to bankroll me, my real estate agent to look out for me, calm me, focus me and love me, my soon to be ex husband to balance and encourage me. My friends at work to hold me up when I am falling down. My men ( As I refer to them) to fuck me, to spank me, to hug me , make love to me, adore me, kiss me, to give the ultimate pleasure of being unable to speak from the pure pleasure! If I have learned nothing in my life - I have learned to appreciate and love the ones that mean the most to you. I feel the gratitude but I am not so good at expressing it. I am working on it. I know I love T, same way I knew I love Sam and D, I know very quickly how I feel about someone. Dont know where that will take me but I am open to the ride.

Hitting bed early tonight, alone.

T came by, we sat on the porch swing for a few hours talking and kissing. He asked me if I trusted him. I said 80/20. I hold back a lot when I want to say something I keep it in, that is because of the 20% non trust. I like him so much. I like being in his arms, and snuggling close to him. I like that his a man, and does not need me to take care of him. I like that his is funny and polite and assertive and confident. After a few hours talking and kissing we went up to my bedroom. And talking about the things that go on in that room feels kind of private, it sure is not fucking. It is smooth and intense with moment alternating moment of lust and ugh - love. I feeling so calm in his arms. I was almost a sleep in his arms last night, but he had to go. My daughter was home and I still share this house with Sam. I assumed I would be able to get back asleep as soon as he left, but no. I laid in bed smiling crazy thinking about him, for 2 more hours. And woke up on my own accord 3 hours later. WTF. It is amazing all the needs love can fullfill - I dont need sleep, food, I dont even need a whole bunch of dick!

I am doing the happy dance tonight. Bid excepted on my house... Should be moving in 60 days... WOOO HOOO...

And T on his was over to my house.. mmmmm

Good Times.

So I think maybe I had some validity on what I was feeling. He (T) text me last night telling me he really wanted to see me today, but his golf game ran very long, and he had a doctors appointment at 2, he told me he liked hearing my voice, and he missed me very much, and thinks about me a lot. He also said he just did not want to have "this crash and burn" which I think means too much too fast and fizzle out, but I did not press on the meaning of that. We have plans to hang out a bit on Sunday evening, we both have kids all weekend. I felt better after talking to him, and made me feel assured I was not the only one feeling strong feelings.

I put a bid in on a house yesterday, new construction, near where I live. I am super excited! REALLY REALLY Excited. I have not heard back on the offer yet but I am keeping positive thoughts. I ended up bidding about 20,000 more then I wanted but I think it was worth it for the ability to customize, and move in by the end of August. Keep your fingers crossed!

I am spending day with my baby girl doing some shopping. Should be fun.

Well my heart hurting a little today. A lot really. And I am almost ashamed to admit why. I know I needed time to fix my broken soul. I know I did, but T arrived all packaged nice with a bow on him he made me feel desired. We have been texting, and i asked him if he would would like to have dinner tonight. He first said yes, then this morning said he had forgotten he had plans with the guys. It really stung me when he said that. Did he think better of spending time with me? But I quickly recovered. We texted most of the day. And I got a text "Im sitting here thinking of you and grinning" and several other sweet txt. I was feeling fine, but the ugly face of mistrust and low self esteem came knocking. He asked me if i wanted to hang out Sunday Night, as he has his children all weekend. I do but I also feel like I am do not want to just be squeezed in. I feel like I am getting all confused on this. And I am serious when I say could some one please give me some insight, seriously message me or comment. I need some clarity from a man's perspective. My instinct tells me I am overreacting because I feel so head over heels in love with him so fast and I have some irrational need for constant desire reassurance of desire. Seriously guys please help me.

I went to see my Jamaican friend. We ended up driving around for almost two hours in the wilderness of south jersey, with the windows down. We pulled over somewhere under the pitch black sky on some back road to fuck. I like him. I connect with him on a soulful level. I like his spirit. I liked being in the middle of no where with him, no sounds no lights anywhere. It was soothing. However, maybe it was all the winding back roads or the bumping of the car but I was so car sick about an hour in, I had my head down between my knees while he rubbed my back, and played with my hair. We got lost of course, because what else would happen while I am that car sick. But I did really enjoy spending time with him.

T did send me a txt that did confirm he is feeling the same way I am. We are going to have dinner tonight. I just want to kiss him. Thats all kiss him.

Just got off the phone with my real estate agent (also a great long time friend, my fav smoking partner, and ex roommate) to set up some properties to look at tomorrow. Good Times.

Feeling better this morning then I did yesterday... and I got my car registration up to date so maybe I will not get pulled over today.

I woke up smiling, but feeling insecure. Spent the day at work feeling very insecure all day. :( again no apparent reason, but just feeling like T might not like me like I like him. We texted a lot through the day, but I defiantly just feel weird. I know I need to wheel is back in but I should learn to trust my instinct as well.

I went to get my hair cut, just a trim and to my parents so they could take care of me a little, make me dinner and we went to go look at some houses.

I got pulled over AGAIN, for my registration. FML!! I came home to the broken AC and an 85 degree house. I feel like I could have a break down right about now. Serious melt down. I am having myself a smirnoff blueberry lemonade and trying to regroup what is going on in my life. Not fun times right now. I am going to hang out with my Jamaican friend in a little bit. I need some TLC and sweet touching and he will do it for me.

I really could have a good cry right now.