I have to admit I have tried to stay off of this dam thing. I really wish I could go back in time and erase the dam thing before T had read it. It is always there, if he does not call me when I think he should, I think maybe he can not deal with all the shit he read in the blog. It has made me a touch insecure. Although as it brings the insecurities to the surface it also creates a deeper bond for me. I am in awe that anyone can accept all that lies on these pages. And perhaps I will continue to wait for the other shoe to drop.
I have hesitated to come on here for a few reasons. One being I do not want T to read about him self on here, I would prefer direct communication with me, even though I struggle with it. Two, I do not want fleeting thoughts or feelings to cloud T's idea of how I really feel. Three, I thought maybe I say to much here and it makes it easier for me to not say things to the people I need to when I need to, because I have already released it.
Sam is moving out, over this next week, some boxes already left today. It feels really good for him to get his shit out of my house. I feel kind of stuck. Stuck in a feeling of anger and resentment with him. I am trying to get unstuck. Trying very hard. But each time I see him or he speaks to me I am filled with rage. I try to stay out of my house as much as possible. That has become very difficult, being that I am now a single parent and Sam seems to have little interest in the moment with his daughter. I figured as much.
I spend a lot of time with my parents lately. I sit on their couch and on their deck a lot and I cry. I try to brave it out, and suck it up, and I keep my sunglasses on all the time because I look like I have been crying. I am not good with change. I know this. It scares me like hell and I am a person who loves order and organization, and lets face it control. And at the moment I have none of those.
I wish I could spend more time with T. Not really sure why I dont, well I am. He never really asks me. So I dont know what that means, but right now not even sure when I am going to see him next. That frustrates me. I like to plan. I am rigid in that way and I have to be. I dont get a chance to be an adult with an adult social life often. It has been VERY hard to have any kind of fun. And I feel like the times I have been able to see T, we are both getting whats left over. After I get done work, after he gets done a 12 hour shift, 2 hours before we pass out in bed and work the next morning. I guess that is just how it is. What else can you do...
I had another conversation with D. I needed and freeing conversation. I told him I was done throwing myself and his feet begging for him to love me, among other things. It was a good conversation, glad I got the balls to say all that, but I was not even nervous or sad or anything. It just all poured out naturally and for the first time in a long time I felt like he heard me, and understood me. We talked more about our daughter and it was just good. And felt very good to be assertive and not "fall to his feet" so to speak.
So with the positive in my life why the crying. I do feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Among friends, with family, at work, every where I am, I feel totally and utterly alone. It is this emptiness in my chest, that makes itself known with the heaviness of sadness as I breathe.
And I say to myself. This pain with pass. Im trying to ride it out, let is wash over me and go back out to sea. I thank god everyday for the fabulous people in my life and I take it hour by hour.