Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I will be moving Friday, and I felt compelled to give some updates. I am beyond thrilled that moving day is approaching and currently I do not have any sadness or regret, just exhilaration and excitement.

I feel myself having trouble asking people for help moving. I said to my mother " I would rather strap this shit to my back and move it all myself, then ask anyone for help" and I really feel that way. I HATE needing help, but I realize I do. Not sure how this will pan out but I am sure it will even if it means doing it myself. One more time I hate needing help!

I have been blogging offline about T. He does not love being in the blog - I cant say I blame him. So I am ok with keeping those thought offline and private. This way I can still sort through my emotions about that relationship and not destroy it at the same time.

I am really beginning to love being alone (sometimes) and feeling very powerful and sexy lately. Not submissive at all, not that I would not love to be tied up and gagged for awhile - cuz I would. I have not been craving sex all that much this week either. Bizarre, yesterday I came home and had to masturbate. But I did not want dick, just needed to cum and I was good. Got up head all spacey stumbling a bit, it was the best orgasm I ever had all alone!

I am saying a pray all goes well with closing on the house and my ability to adapt to this monumental change in my life. Change has always been hard for me, so I am trying to plan ahead for it. I know some ugly feelings with come and I am ready for them. Goal here is not to crash and burn before I get to the good parts.

With that I am off, to get some sleep and relax my body for the stressful days to come. Going to meditate, and shower and watch the real housewives reunion.

Send me some positive thoughts and prays and I will catch up again soon.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I told myself I was not going to blog for awhile. I was going to resist the urge to lay my soul down on these pages and I was going feel the feelings I had alone. After several days of that I have determined that is not going to work for me.

So I am 2 weeks away from the estimated closing date for the new house. I am all packed up for the most part and I am trying keep myself entertained and enjoy some of the summer. I am praying a lot, crying a lot, taking a lot of Ativan. I have started sleeping again with out the use of drugs, which is a huge blessing. My body feels pretty good. I am feeling very sexy and very free. I want to be touched, not fucked, touched. I really love the way clothes are feeling and the excitement coming from my spirit.

So Sam and I are working through the ins and outs of co-parenting. It could be worse. I am not really complaining about that yet. Its not so bad. My baby is doing well she appears to be okay with all the changes in her life.

T. What can I say there. I am really in love with that man. He had told me he love me, but then he stopped saying it. Sometimes I feel like he wants someone older with less obligations to children. Then sometimes I feel like he is just in his own world and I dont really fit it. what does it mean that you love me? If I love someone I want to be with them. Not saying I want to be with them every waking moment, but I would like to see them as much as I could as schedules would allow. He never makes plans with me, I feel like I am begging for him to participate in this sometimes. I dont want to feel like that. Conversely when we are together I dont ever feel like I am to beg for his desire or attention which makes me think is it me? The million dollar question - IS IT ME?

The sex is amazing. I have felt like it was too private for awhile, but I like to talk about sex. Sometimes it is intimate and loving, and i love his body so close to mine. Feeling his breath on my neck and watching his face. The other morning - And My God do I love some morning sex! Anyway he straddled one leg and I was on my side he was holding one of my legs, and I just got a glimpse of him fucking me. Fucking HOT - I cant get that image of his face while he fucked me out of my head. To respond a little to the comment, he comes in me a lot. It is a ridiculous amount of cum, and I wear panty liners after because if I did not my panties would be soaked from it dripping out of me. I do love my pussy filled with his cum. It is hot. On a sad note, I feel like he is a temporary fixture in my life. As much as I love him and want to be with him, I cant make him want me. I feel like I am bracing myself for the storm now and crossing my fingers it blows over.

To that I made plans tomorrow night. I would prefer to be with him, but he never asked me to do anything. And I cant wait around for him. Maybe he just does not want to hurt me so he is slowly pulling away, but like a bandaid I so PREFER to rip off fast! and Let me cope with the pain.

That made me sad writing that.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Getting close to closing on the new house. I am starting to panic a little with each passing day. The simple things are begining to fuck with me a little bit. Like being in a house alone all the time, like having to deal with the trash, kill all the spiders, but I also am excited for the free to do what i please shit and the not being told whats wrong with me all the time.

Been fucking pretty regular for a few weeks. That does help the the urges, and most of the time I dont feel the - I have to fuck right now- feeling unless I am right in front of T, but when I am with him I do want it pretty much as much as I can get it. I still believe I can be satisfied, I do come close to the point where I dont want anymore, but then it feels so good the feelings of relaxation and contentment fly out the window with the slightest touch and I want to do it again. And I am still in the way of thinking that- I better get as much as I can now, because I dont know when I will get it again.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Exhausted tonight. Looking forward to sleeping with out the use of sleeping pills tonight, that is how tired I am. I am feeling a little torn. I want to talk about T and my feelings and the fleeting thoughts that race through my mind but I am a little afraid he will read it and not be able to handle some of the thoughts. Not that they are anything but feelings of interest and love for him but because my mind takes some scary trips sometimes. And I am always thinking and deciding reassessing everything. I rarely have time when my mind is not working.

Having said that, T, stop reading here.

My daughter spent the first night with her dad at his place last night, I was better with it then I anticipated. I thought I would be sad and overwhelmed, but I was relieved and content. I was almost excited for five minutes of freedom. And I was in awe to think that I was ok with not having another baby, because I had that thought last night. It was like, it is ok for me not to have another one because some place in my soul needs to get myself back and start living again. I have devoted every minute of my life to my child and not that I regret that or would change that, but I am beginning to enjoy some adult conversation and time. It is nice to feel like something other than someone's mother.

So I am still picking up the pieces of the broken life I had sustained for so long. I know that. How I wish I met T when I was whole and not going through this bullshit. I think he believes I am holding onto him to fill a void, but I am not. I know plenty of people who will fill voids who will entertain me. I could find myself entertainment every night of the week, and I dont just mean sex, if I desired it. I desire to be with him. Last night we sat and watched a movie at his place. I really loved being close to him, enjoying something he enjoys. When I am with him, things feel so right and so fulfilling. When I leave him I begin to get very worried. I am trying hard to let that issue remain with me. It is my issue and I dont know why I have it. I wonder if he misses me and sometimes I feel like he was more affectionate toward me before he told me he loved me. But even as I type that my mind is like "just stop it - you are looking for problems". Is it too good to be true? A man that meets all the needs? I guess only time will tell.

I know people like to hear about the fucking and all good sex I am having. And I am getting good sex, but it feels a little bit weird talking about it. It feels private, which is blowing my mind. Why do I not want to talk about it.... Maybe I dont want T to read the details of how he makes me feel, but I kind of do, I dont know.

I have thought of creating a private blog that I can share with just him. I get the benefit of thought release and I hold on to some privacy about our relationship. Just a thought


Monday, July 4, 2011

Forgot to add the good part - i never want to do that.

I feel amazing. My body has been feeling really strong and energetic. I do feel less weighed down and more like myself again.
I blocked my ex (which I know is not technically correct yet but really its close enough) on facebook, because I do not want to see his stupid posts. So my mom tells me tonight did you see his post about how it is amazing how one person can change your life and make you so happy etc ...hinting to he has found a new love in his life.

I dont know why this infuriated me so much but it did. It really angered me, I said to my mom I dont know why. I have not been in love with this man for a long time, and I struggle to even say I have love for him. The best I can say right now is, I dont wish anything bad on him. I surly do not want him as a lover, husband, shit not even a friend. He is exhausting and clueless and truly lost in this world. So why all these feelings. I want to vomit thinking about. What the fuck is wrong with me - why do I have such a strong reaction to this.


I know this is what he does. He gets a shiny new toy and he gets all happy for a few months and then crashes again. I have seen it over and over again for the last 15 years. Why is this bothering me. I want to let this go. I want to be happy for him or at least not have a reaction, but the feelings come. They just take over my mind.

Some of it is a little bit of - dont think your life will better without me, cuz it wont - thinking. (Cant believe I feel that way). That is so not who I want to be. I felt like smashing our wedding picture to pieces today, and I still might do that. What a joke this relationship has been - what a joke!!!!

frustrating. I am headed to bed going to try to pray on this tonight, i need to create some clarity in my mind, and a game plan to get through the next several weeks without a mental breakdown.




Yeah all I needed was a little reassurance and to spend some time touching. Touching very important to me. Any kind of touching. I found myself asking T if we could plan ahead of time when we will get together. I felt a little "too much" as I said it, but seriously if that is what I need then that is what I need. Still waiting for him to get to the I cant accept anymore quirks point.
Im strange. I know it I am a different kind of girl.

This blog has been such a topic of conversation and point of intense stress for me at times. I struggle because I do like that ability to share with strangers and have the ability to work through the garbage that sometimes clouds my mind. And I do like to hear other people perspectives on it. But I also dont love, someone I love not feeling 100% confident about their willingness to accept me, and the vast amount of content that they have to find issue with. Just really wish he never read it.

Moving is going well. Hope to close in 25 days. The countdown has begun. My house is a war zone. I am ready to go I dont want to be here at all. A few moments out of the day I get this intense fear. Feeling that OMG I am never going to make it. The money is the make it part. I worry about money. I have NEVER relied on just my own income. So there will be an adjustment period. And I am aware I am a little bit spoiled.

Sam is weirder and weirder each and every day. One day he is nice the next he is an asshole. Today he was an asshole. I think because he kept trying to talk about all kinds of shit and I kept drawing the conversation back to my daughter. I did not want to talk about him, I did not care about his moving issues. He is suppose to take my daughter overnight. He gets all defensive, accusing me a taking a 15 year old microwave from our first apartment together, claiming I must know where it is because he did not take it. He forgets he left it at work and never brought it back, like 4 years ago!



Sunday, July 3, 2011

Woke with a feeling of intense energy bursting through me. It reminds me the good old days when my energy was endless and body was limitless. I am getting excited, lost a few pounds since the band adjustment, and I am teetering on the edge of meeting my first goal. That feels good.

Been thinking of T a lot, and I have been learning about myself and how I work. I realize that I need consistent reassurance. That does not sit well with me, admitting that, but I begin to detach myself if I do not get it.

Now as for why do I detach... well I know this is a problem that started long before D, because I did it with D and I did it with Sam so going to have to throw this one up to childhood trauma. It is difficult to acknowledge that kind of weakness. I hate weakness in myself.

T has been kind of busy, i guess, and unavailable. So I have not seen him since Wednesday night. It just feels like too long. And I held it together for those days, but as the days past, each day I felt a little less and less optimistic for this relationship. And it wasn't the not seeing him as much as it was not kind of verbal connection. I just felt like he was less interested, no lack of my interest, but I start to try to protect myself as best I can and that means detach. The phone conversation was a little bit lack luster and I felt like I could not hold his attention. As evidenced by me having to repeat myself over and over again. I just felt distance, and I would never want to appear to be stalker-ish or unable to pick up on subtle hints of a relationship going no where so again I detach.

But the moral of that story is it just took one conversation to reassure me. Just our talk this morning gave me great reassurance and made me feel as if I am not embellishing the way he feels about me, and he might just really love me.

On a side note, my kid has been latched on to me since all the changes have been taking place. Even as I type this she is half on my lap, touching me as much she can. It begins to wear a person down. Sometimes I just feel like screaming "Get off of me"!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I have to admit I have tried to stay off of this dam thing. I really wish I could go back in time and erase the dam thing before T had read it. It is always there, if he does not call me when I think he should, I think maybe he can not deal with all the shit he read in the blog. It has made me a touch insecure. Although as it brings the insecurities to the surface it also creates a deeper bond for me. I am in awe that anyone can accept all that lies on these pages. And perhaps I will continue to wait for the other shoe to drop.

I have hesitated to come on here for a few reasons. One being I do not want T to read about him self on here, I would prefer direct communication with me, even though I struggle with it. Two, I do not want fleeting thoughts or feelings to cloud T's idea of how I really feel. Three, I thought maybe I say to much here and it makes it easier for me to not say things to the people I need to when I need to, because I have already released it.

Sam is moving out, over this next week, some boxes already left today. It feels really good for him to get his shit out of my house. I feel kind of stuck. Stuck in a feeling of anger and resentment with him. I am trying to get unstuck. Trying very hard. But each time I see him or he speaks to me I am filled with rage. I try to stay out of my house as much as possible. That has become very difficult, being that I am now a single parent and Sam seems to have little interest in the moment with his daughter. I figured as much.

I spend a lot of time with my parents lately. I sit on their couch and on their deck a lot and I cry. I try to brave it out, and suck it up, and I keep my sunglasses on all the time because I look like I have been crying. I am not good with change. I know this. It scares me like hell and I am a person who loves order and organization, and lets face it control. And at the moment I have none of those.

I wish I could spend more time with T. Not really sure why I dont, well I am. He never really asks me. So I dont know what that means, but right now not even sure when I am going to see him next. That frustrates me. I like to plan. I am rigid in that way and I have to be. I dont get a chance to be an adult with an adult social life often. It has been VERY hard to have any kind of fun. And I feel like the times I have been able to see T, we are both getting whats left over. After I get done work, after he gets done a 12 hour shift, 2 hours before we pass out in bed and work the next morning. I guess that is just how it is. What else can you do...

I had another conversation with D. I needed and freeing conversation. I told him I was done throwing myself and his feet begging for him to love me, among other things. It was a good conversation, glad I got the balls to say all that, but I was not even nervous or sad or anything. It just all poured out naturally and for the first time in a long time I felt like he heard me, and understood me. We talked more about our daughter and it was just good. And felt very good to be assertive and not "fall to his feet" so to speak.

So with the positive in my life why the crying. I do feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Among friends, with family, at work, every where I am, I feel totally and utterly alone. It is this emptiness in my chest, that makes itself known with the heaviness of sadness as I breathe.

And I say to myself. This pain with pass. Im trying to ride it out, let is wash over me and go back out to sea. I thank god everyday for the fabulous people in my life and I take it hour by hour.