Still sad. Only a few tears today. I wish I would have ended it when I started to notice some issues, because those small issues were definably a sign of what was to come. Just blew my mind how easily I fell for him. I was mad today thinking about his back and forth bullshit. Telling me less then a week ago, I am sorry for neglecting you, I need to fix that, I will fix that. I took that to mean, he acknowledged that he had been neglecting me and that he was sorry about that, but maybe he meant he will fix that by ending the relationship. I am really irritated, and I would love to beat the ins and out of what happened into the ground. I like to know. I kind of need to know. I dont think I will ever have that chance. He probably knows that if I ever saw him again I would need to review this in detail. Its how I learn though, and it is how I cope.
I know he wont appreciate this, all the talking about our relationship, but this is like my friend. My girlfriend just called me a little bit ago, and it is not even worth the conversation with her to talk about my feelings. Maybe I feel things more deeply then she does and she does not understand the utter devastation a love gone wrong can cause me. I was in love with her at one point in my life. I love her now, she is my best friend, but it was difficult to end the part of our relationship.
He said Friday as we were on the phone ending it all " I dont want to let people down". Well what the fuck does that mean. You did not want to let me down so you kept dragging me along? Or were you trying to make yourself love me? Why would anyone ever want to do this to themselves.
I really wish I could take it all back, save it for later, the whole relationship. Save it for a time when my life is a little more organized and my heart a little less raw, and I would never ever touch this blog again. He always talked about "my fans" on here. This really bothered him. I dont think I do it for "fame". I have given it a lot of thought. I do like feedback, but not for the attention, people talking to me help me. They give me a view outside of myself. I let them into my brain to walk around a bit, and then they give me a summary of what they see and how they would improve it. It is therapy plain and simple. If only one person reads it that is cool, if no one read it that is cool. For years like 3 people read it. It is not the fame, it is the therapy. Now the slut blog, that is just because I like people to see me fuck. It turns me on.
I feel a little bad here, for air all the dirty laundry, but I need to vent, and if I called him it would not be fun for either one of us. He did say to me that this is not like fuck you goodbye, that we can still be friend... that word is still lingering in my mind. What does friends mean? Do friends fuck? Do friends go to the place you been telling me about and we never got to go?
Am I that unlovable because of the things I have wrote? It must scare people maybe, I dont think what I write is that bad, I think it is the most private thoughts I have and I push myself to put them down sometimes because I am on a journey here, I dont get further by denial of feelings even when they are embrassing, when they are shameful or they are hurtful.
So I guess I will be getting some dick tonight, I am pretty excited. Still sad about all of it but I need some spanking and fisting and sleep in that order, so at the very least I wont be so sexually frustrated tomorrow.
I went to get my hair cut today, that was bad.So bad. It looks the same, she took like nothing off and fucked in all up when she dried and I had to have another girl redo it. Got some new shoes and a couple shirts and a pair of jeans. Eh, Im trying to perk myself up. I was in the area T lives in because the store I wanted to go to is only in that area, no other ones anywhere. I was all paranoid he be thinking I was stalking him if he saw me, like I am not allowed to be in his town. I used to go there all the time before I met him Im still allowed.
So I realize I am rambling, but it feels kind of nice. Im going to go, he is at the door.......