Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I almost pulled over on the way home today from work. On the highway, windows down, feeling the vibration of 2 pac, I felt good about myself. Dare I say almost worthy of love. I felt like the men I have loved in my life have walked away from the most intense true self sacrificing love they would ever know. It was not me either. Sometimes in my marriage I blame myself for so much. I should have done more, given more, gave up more. Same with D, I could have done more for him, I could have not rejected him when he gave me his love back in the beginning. With T I could have spared him the details of the dark mind of a sex addict and a broken soul. Not that was directly my fault, but I danced with the idea of him reading the blog, and ultimately brought that on myself. But just for tonight I feel like I am coming into my own. I feel the world is at my feet waiting for me to choose my path and my partner for this next phase of my life.

I needed to record this, remember this day. I want to be able to re read this one day and feel the confidence bursting from my being and that peace and contentment I have on this night and that is due to know one but myself. I am responsible for this contentment. It's fucking awesome. I needed some dick today, came home and took care of that myself too.

so my urge to record this lays with the unknown feelings I will experience the rest of my evening. T is suppose to stop by. I would like to see him. I always like to see people face to face for any meaningful conversation. It helps me end it. Its me, and I know what I need. I miss him alot, but I am curious to see how I feel in his presence. He really hurt me I am not sure I can continue to keep saying I love him. I cant love people who diminish me, who make me question if I am good enough to love. In all honesty I dont really see him actually stopping by. I feel like I will get a text somewhere around 10 saying, "tonight is not a good night" Thats ok too. Its all ok with me, because I got to focus all that love on me.

I still with fervor want to flee the country, the state, nj, the east coast. I want to start over, so badly. D cant u take me to Trinidad with you now? Just need a life do over and I want to go some where that know one will know me. Nice thought anyway.

Enjoying some alone time tonight, burning incense, having a drink, listening to 2 pac, reading, praying, meditating - loving myself. We will see if T stops by, I am really anxious to see what feelings come.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Why did I do it... why did I begin to reread the offline blog entries, but I did. In a weird way I they kind of make me feel better, because I knew there was an issue. I wish he would have never told me he loved me. I could have accepted, going out a few times and ending up just fucking. That would have been so much better than this horror show. I was on the fence - do I post the old posts? I am really unsure at this time. There is something that is so soothing for me to post my feelings. It is very much like giving you all of my troubles and leaving them behind. Its my voice, even if anonymous to most, and read by few. T is right, it is how I cope with life. I still dont know what is so bad or difficult about it. I really feel like everyone thinks the way I do. I still have trouble accepting that I am that different. T would say i am "an original act". How do other people act? Do they not feel?

So tonight, my ex offered to take my daughter. I was thrilled for a break because I needed it badly. Of course I need something to do

I ended up on a ride to see a man who is a spiritualist tonight. I was nervous and wondering why am I doing this but still I went. All I really want to say about that experience, is. It was peaceful. I never expecting in the middle of the city, to walk into a room and feel such an intense peace. Thats all I have about that right now.

Later that evening, sometime in the middle of the night, the Jamaican came by. I unlock the door for him and went back to bed. I was sound asleep, I only notice him as he climbed into my bed. He climbed on top of me, I was still sleeping and I felt this cock push into my body, I began to fuck him. The sex was I think the best we have ever had. Afterward I was half sleep and he wanted to talk. He kept waking me up so i could talk to him. He eventually succeeded in waking me. He sounded a little sad that I did not talk to him about the ending of the relationship with T. That I did not confide in him, but I could not. He has become one of my best friends in last two years, and I think he felt slighted. I tried to talk about t and what had happened, I ended up crying in his arms about loosing the man I love. Powerful shit, to have a man hold you naked like that, try to soothe your heart, and build your spirit. I dont know what the connection we have is but it is thought provoking. It is not love, while I might love him and care about him it is not romantic love. Just to spirits leaning on each other.

Today was the first day, if you dont count last night, that I did not cry about T. Woo Hoo. I did email him the blog post I left off line. Part of me felt like it is not fair I was so hurt for so long and I wanted him to see how that felt for me, some of it was about defending myself, and some of it was here you take all this relationship bullshit and add it too your baggage because I am full. Still love him, and still in some sick way hope he will come back to me, but at least I can breathe a little easier.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I so hope T never reads this blog again. This blog destroyed whatever was there and just let it go now. No point in T reading this anymore, it just does not matter.

I still feel myself censoring. I dont want to share too much, and I know he does not like to be the topic in the blog, but dam he should not have looked so hard to find the blog.

He told me that I said things in this blog he just could not get past. Really? I dont think it it so bad. It is raw emotion and it is detailed accounts and it is filthy at times, and it is a walk through my mind at a given moment. I would hope someone reading this blog would learn about me. That they would learn I am a sensitive, loving, caring person, who naturally submits and prefers to give everything I have to the people I love. I hope they would learn that I feel deeply, I think continuously and I am on a personal journey to the meaning of my life and where I fit in on this earth. They would understand I have challenges of mania, sex addiction and some serious love and worth issues in any romantic or sexual relationship. But you should know that i live and breath for the people in my life. There is NOTHING I would not do for the man I love. I twist and bend until I break to give them what they need.

He told me that I would never kiss him back and he began to detach himself when he realized that I would not be able to kiss him back. I dont kiss men. I have mentioned on here the times I have kissed a man. It is not often. I dont know how to do it. I really dont know. As a sub, a slave, a whore, a girl who just there to fuck, you dont kiss. You just dont. That makes me sad- did you really end it because you could not be patient with me while I learn to kiss a man that I love. Just keep twisting that knife t.

Jw and I have been talking about "breeding". That was hard to type. Ok breeding is something I have thought about in detail in my life. Breeding would mean for me I am giving up on normality by society standards. The thought of that makes me feel incredible, I can feel it all over my body when I think about it. Logistics bother me sometimes about a breeding situation. How will I manage a pregnancy alone? What kind of interaction with the breeder could I expect. It feels kind of lonely, like will I be alone when I deliver the baby? That stuff makes me sad. The thought of wanting the attention of another man, for myself and my child, and that man not willing to make that time might break my heart some more. With D, that love was so ridiculous. I would have died for that man, without question. Even now I struggle with our conversations, sometimes I feel myself slipping into blind submission and I have to bring myself back the harsh reality of this man can not see anything but himself and is in capable of loving me, his kids, his wife, his family if it does not help him. I know that was a harsh one but this is what I know from watching his behavior for so long. People don't change their core issue and values. You just are what you are.

At some point I think I will get the point where I need to accept that I will not be able to have a relationship. Not like a normal one, I dont think I can go from such an extreme lifestyle to such a normal one. So in my mind that is sad and feel very lonely, because sometimes you want someone in your life, for all the couple things. The weddings, christmas parties, and all the bullshit everyone else brings there partner to will mean I will forever be alone, with my 2 kids. Not sure how I feel about that. I have so many choices in front of me and yet I feel so boxed in by each and every one of them. Life is easier when it just happens to you. Dealing with the card dealt always easier for me then choosing my cards.

Reading a book alone in bed tonight.


Spoke to T last night, I was hoping a conversation would make me feel better, but it did not. When am I going to feel better ? This shit sucks. I cry hard for a long time last night, cried on the phone, laughed on the phone, I would have never gotten off that phone if I could have. I dont know if I have ever been broken hearted like this. So I think back about the times I have some kind of relationship. Almost all of my relationship were within the D/s lifestyle. My boyfriend when I was 15 was not, but the ended up just being some freaky fucking and sharing with his friends. Then there was this other guy Joe, who I cared about. I loved him kind of. I had a hard time with his lack of motivation in life, and frankly his lack of swagger, he was kind of a train wreck at times. I still care about him, but he did not break my heart, i broke his. My ex husband, eh I never loved that man like I should have. I cared about him, wanted to help him and like to fuck him, but that did not equate I should marry him. D, that relationship is craziness. That is some form of love, but D is not capable of love. He can not love freely. And if I had to think in terms of psychology I would say D cant love a women wholly because his mother left him, and I think because of that he can not trust women and will not let himself fall into love. Maybe this is just what it feels like when a relationship ends, and maybe this is a normal devastation level... I dont know. I know for 2 weeks I have been a sobbing mess trying to piece together how I feel about T, his actions, my behavior, this blog, my desire. I have tried throwing so much dick at this feeling of saddness to take it away, I have tried sparking conversation with new men to distract me, but nothing. Nothing holds my interest.

Off to my parents for a little hurricane prep in a few. T said maybe he would come by to see me Monday - interesting. Last night I slept in his tshirt. I am so fucking pathetic.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I just took sometime to reread some old posts. Whew - I have been on an emotional roller coaster these last few months. Thinking about going into to hiding for a bit. Maybe stop engaging in idle text messaging, stop seeking dick, stop talking to everyone and just listen to myself. Just stay still and heal. Plan my days with things I love, even if that mean swimming everyday with my daughter. Just step out for a minute. Just a thought.


Also in reading this - I saw a very critical error I need to correct. In the drunken post from the other night. Young Boy and I have a long history of seeing each other WITH NO STD ISSUES. I that did not sound the way it should re reading that. One of those risks for blogging drunk and never proof reading.

I had a lot of moments where the sadness welled up inside me today and I started to cry. The sadness is just overwhelming at times. My heart is really broken, but lets face it - it was all ready cracked when I met T. T told me we would have a conversation about things, at sometime and seems to text me "friendly" texts. They make me cry sometimes, as I try to pull back and not be like I love you so much, please come see me. I miss you terribly. I try to turn it all off and just act like I can do this friend thing with out a problem. I think of him a lot, and I smile, I lay in bed and think about laying in bed with him, waking up next to him, falling asleep next to him. I miss him. I really do.

It was like I loved him and then he told me he loved me, and I spent a few weeks trying to convince myself that he did love me. That he really loved me for who I am, I try to trust him in those weeks, to let my fences down a little, to let myself love him, be affectionate with him. I try to navigate through what love in a relationship is like again, and try not to allow my baggage to stop me, or slow me down, even though it does! Just as I start to really believe this man loves me, that I can not worry about this man crushing me - he does. Maybe that is what hurts me most, if he could have just ended it sooner, when he felt weird, or if I could have just ended it that night I thought I should ( that might have been on of those off line posts). He is a great person nonetheless. He really is easy to love and I am glad I met him. If nothing else, I know that I enjoyed the short time we were "kickin it".


I still have things at my old house, not much , but I went there today to get a few things. I was very sad, pulling in the driveway and walking around the house. My daughters art on the fridge still, a flower T gave me dried on the counter. I could not even bring myself to walk up stairs. I did not want to be crying infront of my daughter. It really hurt, as my daughter said good bye to her house tonight as we pulled away.

Dear God, help me get through this. Please help me get through this. I just want to feel some happiness again.

I had an alone day today. It started with some hard core sobbing on my bed while listening to Bonnie Raitt's song I cant make you love me, to be followed by a shower that was interrupted with me sitting in the shower sobbing again. Then I did some laundry got dressed, and headed out. I got a massage. My neck and back have been so freaking tight so I felt like it was worth it. And it was. So my massage started with me face up. I requested a guy, he was not bad looking, for a white guy, a little edgy, I liked him overall, but I was uncomfortable. I was laying there with my nipples rock hard poking through the sheet. When I had to turn over, I sat up, and got a head rush, my tits were all over, they just had a mind of there own and he tries to hold the sheet up for me. Then on my stomach they are pushed down and i have to readjust them. I had to laugh as I pulled them forward to I could lay down comfortably. Good though, I felt very good, similar to the feeling I get from being deep in sub space, it was really good.

Spent some time picking out paint and driving around doing nothing, thinking, and listening to music.

Today seemed to bring up some angry feelings. I feel like I am getting ready to crack. Like all the bullshit is get ready to explode and I will loose it. I defiantly feel like I am on the edge of sanity. It is a scary place to be. I refuse to rely on the meds though, I need to feel these feelings and move on. I am angry about so much shit and sad about even more, if I dont feel the feelings, let them wash over me they will Always be in front me blocking me from moving forward freely - as they have already done.

So is this less about t and more about me - absolutely. But I still love him ;)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Feeling a little better, last night, T text me hello last night and some idle chatter between text. I like that, it made me feel better. I was sobbing the entire time, but it was nice to hear from him. It made me feel like maybe he does want to be friends. I just dont like the idea of never seeing someone I loved again. Hurts too much. So there was some of the heart sinking feeling today, but less and I only had wet eyes and no tears. Im getting there. The girls at work surprised i feel so sad about T. They are giving me the forget him, he is beat, he got too many issues, but I dont love easily and I really loved/love him. I still love him that does not go away. Maybe it will, I dont know.

I know that tonight I want to fuck! More then likely I will be in bed alone with my book watching reruns but I want some dick so bad, just someone to come into my room over take me, and fuck me hard for a very long time. Kind of having the urge to get on top tonight. That is the kind of night it is.

Monday, August 22, 2011

So I am just plain sad still, I was at my desk working, and just like a passing storm I was over come with deep pain, and began to cry a little, just a few tears streaming down my face as I type away. I miss T way more then I thought I would. I just miss him.

So Jw did come by last night. It is very weird to be in my own house with no rules. I can do what I want and sometimes I just dont know what to do. Jw is easy to get along with, friendly, and just makes me feel at ease. As he was the there the Jamaican guy was calling me, telling me he was going to stop by. An awkward conversation in front of Jw, it made me feel like a whore. L was texting me and called me wanting to hear the nights events. I would say that he was just a little surprised by the scene there last night, I would say he was probably thinking something like - damm how much dick is this bitch getting. The smile on his face at one point was something like - am I on candid camera. Oh my.

So I do feel weird about sharing all the details again. This time I think it might be a shame, not think it is the fact that I dont ever want T to read the details and be disgusted that he ever dated me. Fucked up - isnt it.

But I did turn the video camera on. I have not reviewed that video yet. I dont know how to act anymore when I fuck. I have become a little more into to touching, and kissing, and passion, and less about banging. So even though I was all conscience about my desire want to kiss and feel more I just never know what to do with that feeling. I am so accustomed to being just the girl to bang, it is really hard to have those feelings, people dont want the whore to kiss them.

I dont know if this works for me any more. I just dont know if I just want to be the whore. I feel like I got a taste of what sex with in a relationship can be and I loved it. So where do I go with that - why does my whole life feel like I have been chasing dick and just cant quite ever get what I need.

So maybe I will save the details of last night for the slut blog if the video makes it there.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Still sad. Only a few tears today. I wish I would have ended it when I started to notice some issues, because those small issues were definably a sign of what was to come. Just blew my mind how easily I fell for him. I was mad today thinking about his back and forth bullshit. Telling me less then a week ago, I am sorry for neglecting you, I need to fix that, I will fix that. I took that to mean, he acknowledged that he had been neglecting me and that he was sorry about that, but maybe he meant he will fix that by ending the relationship. I am really irritated, and I would love to beat the ins and out of what happened into the ground. I like to know. I kind of need to know. I dont think I will ever have that chance. He probably knows that if I ever saw him again I would need to review this in detail. Its how I learn though, and it is how I cope.

I know he wont appreciate this, all the talking about our relationship, but this is like my friend. My girlfriend just called me a little bit ago, and it is not even worth the conversation with her to talk about my feelings. Maybe I feel things more deeply then she does and she does not understand the utter devastation a love gone wrong can cause me. I was in love with her at one point in my life. I love her now, she is my best friend, but it was difficult to end the part of our relationship.

He said Friday as we were on the phone ending it all " I dont want to let people down". Well what the fuck does that mean. You did not want to let me down so you kept dragging me along? Or were you trying to make yourself love me? Why would anyone ever want to do this to themselves.

I really wish I could take it all back, save it for later, the whole relationship. Save it for a time when my life is a little more organized and my heart a little less raw, and I would never ever touch this blog again. He always talked about "my fans" on here. This really bothered him. I dont think I do it for "fame". I have given it a lot of thought. I do like feedback, but not for the attention, people talking to me help me. They give me a view outside of myself. I let them into my brain to walk around a bit, and then they give me a summary of what they see and how they would improve it. It is therapy plain and simple. If only one person reads it that is cool, if no one read it that is cool. For years like 3 people read it. It is not the fame, it is the therapy. Now the slut blog, that is just because I like people to see me fuck. It turns me on.

I feel a little bad here, for air all the dirty laundry, but I need to vent, and if I called him it would not be fun for either one of us. He did say to me that this is not like fuck you goodbye, that we can still be friend... that word is still lingering in my mind. What does friends mean? Do friends fuck? Do friends go to the place you been telling me about and we never got to go?

Am I that unlovable because of the things I have wrote? It must scare people maybe, I dont think what I write is that bad, I think it is the most private thoughts I have and I push myself to put them down sometimes because I am on a journey here, I dont get further by denial of feelings even when they are embrassing, when they are shameful or they are hurtful.

So I guess I will be getting some dick tonight, I am pretty excited. Still sad about all of it but I need some spanking and fisting and sleep in that order, so at the very least I wont be so sexually frustrated tomorrow.

I went to get my hair cut today, that was bad.So bad. It looks the same, she took like nothing off and fucked in all up when she dried and I had to have another girl redo it. Got some new shoes and a couple shirts and a pair of jeans. Eh, Im trying to perk myself up. I was in the area T lives in because the store I wanted to go to is only in that area, no other ones anywhere. I was all paranoid he be thinking I was stalking him if he saw me, like I am not allowed to be in his town. I used to go there all the time before I met him Im still allowed.

So I realize I am rambling, but it feels kind of nice. Im going to go, he is at the door.......

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Just so know one has to worry about me, I am still holding onto reality. I'm feeling so sick, I feel another migraine coming on. I am assuming these are triggered by stress. On a happy note, I have been able to grieve for lots of things today. When I cry it is for so many things. The loss of a man that made me happy and for whom I thought I could live a normal life with, for the loss of my own voice, for my lack of courage in matters of the heart, for my inability to provide my daughter with a stable father, her biological father or my ex are poor role models most of the time, I grieve for the lack of impulse control, the lack patience, I grieve for the all the sadness I have brought others. So there is always a silver lining - I cry about T and I use that to help me feel some of the other emotions I been pushing down.

So here we go. SEX! I need some badly been over 2 weeks since t and I had sex, it was amazing too but over 2 weeks. I was hoping he would at least offer to keep that up. I wonder if it is too soon to ask if I can get my glass dildo he brought me, but stayed at his house. So I think about who should I fuck. I had stopped seeing people and ended or evidently put on hold my "relationships" with people who take care of my needs, so I am just a little bit bewildered as to my go to person. Little mad about that part, maybe T did realize the huge investment I made when i told D that I was in love with someone else and we needed to end that part of our relationship.

Not mad at him though, I think he got swept up in me too fast and could not figure it all out. Im not even going to lie though, I hope he figures out he cant live with out me in the next few weeks.

Dont know how the sex thing is going to pan out, but I know I need it. I tried and tried and tried to make myself come last night but no luck.
The light have day has not brought me any relief. The more I try to put on a smile and move about my business, the worse I feel. A friend of mine said he was sorry, he knew how happy t made me. He made me very happy. I was so enthralled with his words, his personality, him. I realize we were only together a very short time, but it felt much different then that. It felt like it was meant to be, and it was easy and fun to be with him.

I feel like I need to do a lot of defending of myself. People have said I fall in love too easily, that frustrates me. I dont fall in love easily, if I did I would have fallen for any of the men who try and tempt me. Love for me is about how I feel. Nothing you can do say to make me love you, i love you or I dont. And most of the time I dont.

If I could take this blog back, this whole blog and erase from existence and his memory I would.

My weekend looks like one that is going to suck ass. There is a 5 year old birthday party I already rsvp'd to at 3 to 7 right in the middle of my fucking day. It is me and daughter all weekend, not that I dont love her and want to spend time with her, but I just want some time to lay in my bed and sob.

My mom supposed to come over to help me with my house today but I dont know when that will happen, i dont want to tell her about t - she knew how much I loved him, I dont want to cry in front of her.

He said we can be friends... friends, how do we go from love to friends.
Oh dear god, let me not loose my mind on this one.

Side note - why can I fill these pages with thought about men and nothing else?

Friday, August 19, 2011

I was trying to get some sleep, as I know my mind needs the respite from the intense self loathing, but I cant get there yet. I am so hung up on some very difficult thoughts and no one wants me to call them so they can listen to me try to talk and it all just end in sobbing, I came here. The place that has caused the very problem.

Part of me wants to put on his t-shirt and hold onto every little thing that I have that reminds me of him. I dont though, seems a little to intense. And I am still sane. However I reread old text messages and get angry that he says one thing only a few days ago and make believe everything is ok, but it was not ok with him. Maybe he was trying or he did not know, but it is just not nice. I am not mean to people. I would never do some mean shit like that. I will always suck up all the disappointment all the pain and slap a smile on my face and love them anyway. I feel led on, or at the very least like he just wanted to phase me out.

I really love him. I let myself love him. I let myself believe that it was ok to love him, to get rid of the extra people and activities in my life. And now he is gone, so is everyone else. Its me and this fucking blog is what I have left. Thats some fucked up shit. And that is why I have spent my entire life in loveless relationships, because this shit SUCKS.

And I think about, how often I cried in front of him, how I did not kiss him with the passion I had in my heart for him because I just did not know how, I think about things I would not have said, or have not have done. I try to piece together the do not do list, and I secretly hope he will still show up on my door step and tell me he loves me. That some how he lost his mind for a minute and he will realize in the light of day, he loves me as much as he once did.

I am not really that naive, but it would be nice. Let me get serious - I am holding onto the thread that he might change his mind and decide that I am worth loving. And that sentence is so fucked up! So fucked up I know. I just got to work this shit out. And is it the universes way of making me deal with my issues, when the very night I could use some big black cock to ease my mind and fuck my till exhaustion, not a single one text me back. I guess who can blame them when I threw them all aside , but seriously not a single one of the crew. I just needed a hug, some dick, and some sleep. That shit is the universe at work - seems like everytime I try to use sex to soothe soul the universe says NO.

At least I can stop guessing what T is thinking. That shit is horrible, but knowing is not much better, but hopefully in time it will not be so devastating.

Always trust you instinct. I knew T did not want me anymore, but I did need to hear that. And so in a moment of courage brought about from the influence of my coworkers, I text him to find out what was up. And l found out.

When I got the text that said he did not want to be in a relationship, I felt like someone finally plunged that knife in my heart that they have been teasing me with. I knew it was over, I just so wanted to keep pretending like it was not.

So in another moment of unexpected courage I call him, to get the horrible details of why, so I can just accept it and move on. So it all comes down to this blog, or maybe most of it, or maybe it is just me and he is sparing my feelings. I dont know.

The blog was always a sticky situation, but you know what I did not think it was that sticky. The blog is just an outlet for thoughts, but he said things had just haunted him he could not get past it.

I tried to keep my emotions in check, as I stood outside next to my car at work. I was and am overcome with sadness. Mainly because I really love him, and secondly because my choices about sex have again come back to haunt me.

At one point I wanted to beg him to give me another chance, renounce this blog and swear my love, but i dont think that it the issue. I think that fact i have been so open and free sexually , so experimental and different is too much for him to handle. How do I fix that. He cant unread what he read, and I cant be anyone but who I am, but I love him. No fixing it. I guess sometimes love is not enough.

Feeling a little lost in the world tonight. I just really someone to hug me, hold me. Am I that unlovable? I just dont understand, I give so much sometimes and get so very little. Why was I willing to bend over backwards to make something work when other people easily walk away?

I dont think I love many people. I dont even like many people. So there we have it, instincts are always right.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Last night I posted, then laid and bed and thought about it and removed it, then I just now reposted. it. I needed some courage. Ugh. Im just plain said about T. I am home alone tonight and just feeling sad that I love him. This is why I have preferred meaningless relationships in the past. This feeling blows. The heaviness in your chest, the melancholy and unanswered questions. Im not crying but I am very low tonight.

Sometimes in this thing with T i have wished for him to do something big and declarative to let me know he loves me. Saying does not do it for me. I day dream a lot about what that could be. Even now that my feelings are hurt and saddened, I think about how nice it would be if he were waiting for me when I got home, or if he would leave me a card, a book he promised I could borrow, anything to let me know he cared for me. I thought how nice it would be for him to send me flowers, or send me anything. At this point I would love even a text message.

I day dream these movie like scenes, where he grabs me and kisses me with passion and tells me how much he loves me and how much he misses me, where he acknowledges all my short comings and tells me he loves me with out conditions. And in these fantasies i always look like a heroine in a romance novel with my hair long and flowing and my nipples rock hard poking through my shirt.

I dont even know if I have words for this tonight, I could use a hug, and probably someone to hold me. Have I not had my heart broken enough? I am so exhausted. I am struggling to not text him or call him. Sometimes all at once I get his urge to pick up the phone and say in this very abrupt urgent voice " What did I do that made you stop loving me or did you not really ever love me?" and then the thought of the answer to that keeps me from picking up that phone. No sense in stating the obvious.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

So as I begin this my heart is a little bit in my throat. Someone said to me that how fast I fell for T was crazy. Maybe it was, but I only was able to articulate that because of this creative outlet with out this I dont think I would have ever told T that I loved him. He would have never known how I feel, because I would have NEVER had the courage to tell him.

And with good reason, because when shit does not go the way I would hope it really crushes me. I love freely. I always have and I believe that is the way it should be. If I love you, I just love you no conditions on that. I take your abuse, I take your neglect I take all the bullshit you give me and I give you everything I have.

So I gave T everything Everything to me means my trust my focus, I gave up my preoccupations. Reluctantly at first, I was scared, but I fell into him. He is easy to love ( I smile just thinking of him) , I had a strong desire to submit to him to please him, I still do. There is nothing more satisfying then giving myself to a man that I love. I hate to announce that whatever it was with T is over, but it appears that the writing is on the wall and I am trying not to admit it. I fell in love with a man who appears to have no interest left in me. And my heart tells me maybe the horror that lays on these pages is too much for a man to digest and love me for it anyway.

And then the disgust for myself. The thought of the gross over indulgence in sex and BDSM, the intensity and devotion I have given to sexual relationships and neglected that needs of my soul to have a partner and a person to love. I begin this entire re-assessment of my life, my lovers, my partners, the people who build me up and the people who diminish me.

I know I look like a whore on these pages, but I just want a man that will love me, and address my needs. I know my needs are bizarre at times and overwhelming but why do I not deserve to feel like someone is in this world with me. I fucking deserve that. I know you all believe I can never be with one person. I can love one person, and as long as my needs are met I can be with one person forever. AND YES MY NEEDS CAN BE MET! I am skilled and telling someone what I need, wether it be verbally or in writing.

I keep trying to check myself and put it into perspective. Im trying to figure out if I am over reacting, but I dont feel like I am. It feels like he is pulling away just trying not to hurt me. This hurts a lot. This is worse then my marriage ending - I did not want that man so that shit was easy, but this is not so much like that. I said it before and I will say it again, i always prefer it all at once. Tell me you dont love me, you made a mistake, and you dont want to see me again. I can take that, grieve about, accept it and let it go. What I cant do is wonder why you dont wnat to see me, wonder what changed or what i did wrong. Why I am not good enough for you to want to see, hug, kiss, love? How did you love me at one time and now I am almost nothing in your life.

I dont know if T reads this. He said he would not, and i believe him, I believed him the first 2 times he told me that too. I never assume people have anything but honorable intentions, but I dont write this because I cant say these things to T. I write as a way to heal my own pain, to put some perspective on how I am feeling. Give me a mirror to hold up to my emotions so I can see them for what they really are in the light of day. After I cry it out, and after I try to push away extra nonsense and get to the heart of what I am feeling. And it helps me to do it here.

At the end of this I learned - I need to feel loved. I have not felt loved in many many years. I just want to feel loved before I continue to love so freely. Oddly enough that pain does not stop me from feeling the loving feelings and wanting to do things.

I tell myself, dont text him anymore, dont call, and defiantly dont ask him to do anything, but I miss him. And is that not what love does, does it not bend and twist to be where and what it needs to be at that time. And if he need space, does love not mean I give him space, if he needs a break does love not mean I give that to him. How much do I love if at that I feel so quick to end it when my feelings get hurt. And so my baggage comes into to play I spent at least 10 years twisting my love to be what my ex husband needed it to be with NO regard for my needs and that ended with me feeling unloved and expendable.

I dont remember the last time I cried about a man like this. Not even D, not even D.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Feeling all out of sorts today. My heart is a little low, just cant figure T out, and I keep thinking about it. I think my feelings are just hurt. Im pretty sure that is what it is. I dont feel angry or frustrated just hurt. I have enjoyed my weekend, and each day that passes living by myself I begin to like it more and more.

I feel very unattractive lately. Just lost my groove. I need to get my groove back. I have not lost any weight in a month and my hair needs some highlights or something, I need some make up, maybe a facial ;) and a mani/pedi would perk me up. I feel a little like a work horse as all I do is move shit back and forth, up and down steps. I dont like the bug killing and taking the trash out that comes along with singledom, but I will take it over the never ending angst of being married.

Thinking about t still, wondering if I really Love him. I keep going back to Yes, I really feel like I fell in love with him the day I met him, and I never felt anything different. Love is such a complex thing, but you know it when you feel it and when you dont feel it.

I feel like tonight I need a hug and a vacation. I think it is so interesting I have not wrote about sex in such a long time. Of course I am still having it, but it just does not feel quite right to talk about that here still, not right now.

I thought blogging a little might put a smile on my face, but I am afraid it did not. My heart still heavy.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Coming home today, walking into my own home, silent and quiet, it is nice. I seemed to have passed that difficult part for this week anyway. I am looking forward to my weekend and continuing to settle into this single life. It is still way more bizarre then I can articulate. Having unrestrained freedom gives me the desire to do very little. I really love not being fenced in.

This dating thing is bizarre and I remember just a few short years ago saying " I could never date, I just dont think I have the tolerance for it". It is hard navigating around a relationship. You know a real relationship. It is more than hard it is consuming. Love is difficult.

I was cleaning the bathroom today, and on my ipod, the shuffle played my wedding song.(Could I have this Dance - Anne Murray) It did not make me sad, but I smiled and thought about how much I loved Sam and one point in our life. I really did love him, I remember dancing to that song and feeling so loved, and so satisfied. It still amazes me the intensity in which love comes, and severely out of love you can become. The whole thing is just a little bit amazing and awe inducing. At some point you just got to stand back and admire its mystery and power.




Monday, August 8, 2011

I have moved. I am sitting in my new living room amongst boxes and bags of crap that I just do not know what to do with. It is has been a little over a week and my life feels just as chaotic as it did before the move, and frankly I do not see the end of the tunnel yet. I just cant see it.

I wish I had great stories of the freedom of being single the intense joy I get from it, but I dont get much joy from this. Not yet anyway. There was moments of peace over the last week, but being ALONE is a scary and overwhelming thought. No one to hug you when you need one, no one to turn to in a moment a weakness. Just you all the time, with no one to help you, no one to lean on, no one at all. I dont love it. Not at all.

And it seems that when I need someone the most, no one is around. I need someone help tonight. NEED IT. I dont want company or sex. I dont want idle chit chat or deep conversation. I want someone to pick me up and tell me I can do this and I am ok , and hug me really really tight.

The move has made me painfully aware how I exclude myself from everyone, how I keep my distance from people, how I only let friends in so far.

I have decided there is some kind of hormonal shift happening in my body as evidenced by the heavy hanging tits and dark large nipples, but I have been to some dark places in this last week. Sadly enough I feel the need to grieve, to let go, but I am also numb at the same time. Numb to how I am feeling, I block it out, I will cry a little bit and then before I can really get to the place of releasing it all I stop. Tonight I need to pray for some peace and sanity. I am very close to calling my psychiatrist, for some meds. Very close, but not quite there yet.

I know so many good people in my life, so many wonderful people who are kind and giving and who love me, but I am so afraid of that. While I prefer to be alone, the alone time hurts me. Makes me feel unloved. Sounds like therapy is on its way.

I blog almost everyday still, I have left it offline, because I feel like t seeing his name on this screen does nothing but bring bad feelings, and I feel like I want to give that a fighting chance and a small sacrifice to leave T off the pages of the blog.

Maybe I feel a little better having being able to vent. I still need someone to hug me and I would not hate someone tucking me in and taking care of me a little bit. My eyes filled with tears I am going to take something to relax myself tonight and try to fall asleep before 11.

:) Got my internet set up now! WOO HOO