Can feel my body changing in preparation for this baby. Very strange and very soon. Just so many changes. So the morning sickness has kicked in all the way now and I guess no denying it in my head anymore. I cant explain the intense amount of turmoil not knowing the father of this child has caused me. I have intentionally made lots and lots of plans for myself for October just to kind of keep my mind busy. I am going to need to buy me some bigger bras in the very near future. I keep saying to myself 5 more weeks until this first trimester is over and hopefully I will feel a little bit normal again.

I must say my mood has been volatile. Thats about all I got for tonight.

So the Dom came over. When he sent the confirmation text, I was really tempted to be like, never mind. I was not into it really. I half hearted needed to be fisted and frankly I more or less just wanted a video of me being fisted to I can come to it later. He agreed to record the fisting but that is it. Jw knew I was going to see him, and I think the mind set of belonging to someone else totally makes me want others less. Im going to say it again, even though when I say I do still feel like I am half trying to convince myself, but here it goes. I can be faithful to one person (faithful to their wishes not necessarily their body) if my needs are met. If I feel fulfilled I am contented and I do not seek dick like a crack head looking for a fix.

The other day, maybe Monday, I was sad. I was sitting on my couch crying, more like constant sobbing, when my phone buzzed with a text from a Jamaican guy with a giant dick I saw back in March maybe. One time only. It was good, but I remember it could have been better. Condoms tend to dry things out and sometimes if you dont have lube, you better learn to spit on it... he did not do that, and at some point I was just irritated because it was so giant I should have cum super fast, but not if it was rubbing me raw at the same time. Anyhow, he wanted to see me, or at least this is what I surmised from the conversation. I DID NOT want dick. I did not want it at all, and here I was getting ready to consider it. I was exhausted and sobbing and the thought of dick was like a light at the end of the tunnel. I did not want dick, but I did want to ease my suffering that night. I was emotionally crippled sitting on that couch falling apart. This time as I ready my fingers to tell him to come over, my girlfriend calls, and I begin to sob so hard she cant make out my words, she tells me to come visit. I jump at it. I dont want the strange dick, I just wanted some mercy. So I went to see my girl, and she always makes me laugh and I felt better, I was glad I did not fall into the mind numbing stranger sex.

So the dom, he sucked on my pussy a while and squeezed my sore nipple, it was easy and not too intense. The fisting - i was nervous about the fisting, just was not sure how it would feel, as sex has been feeling a little bit uncomfortable lately. It is the position of my cervix, hopefully it will change soon. Once it was in, I feel like it was more uncomfortable then I would like, but I needed the high I get from it so I went with it. I needed the magic wand, and the Dom knows my body, he knows it well. He puts the magic wand on my swollen clit and in within seconds my body begins, it feels like a chemical surge in my brain. I seriously would love to see a cat scan of my brain activity during this because I loose ties to reality for a moment, my body begins to jerk and shake like a violent fit, and my brain just feels this intense rush, it is indescribable and super natural feeling that sometimes scares me for a moment when it is over. This type of orgasm leaves me almost lifeless for a few moments afterward.

I tried to get one more of those orgasms but my body was not having it, and I was too uncomfortable. So he shut the cam off and fucked me. A quickie with with no real thrills, you know just sex.

Today I went to have an ultrasound. I could see the babys heartbeat. And even as I lay on the table watching my little babies heart fluttering in my body, I was still scared about the possibility that this would not be JW's baby. about 6 more weeks till I can do the paternity test. I am just trying to breathe deep, pray and relax.

I took a short nap tonight made dinner and decided I had to get my ass outside for a walk. I am sleeping so much, i need to balance it with some freaking exercise. I met a neighbor who just moved in, and we ended up talking a long time while our kids played. She seems like a real person. First one I met from around here. People around here seem very into their money. She is just one of those real people I like. We talked about an hour. I like her, I could be friends with her. And that is how I role, I know right of the bat if I can deal with you are not.

When my very West Coast sister in law came to visit, she can not appreciate some of the gritty East Coast humor and language, that and I called her the wrong name like 4 times, the last of which had her in tears. If someone called me by the exwife name I would just come back with a smart ass remark, not her, she cries. Anyway, my point, the neighbor, very east coast like me, she seems like a philly girl maybe.

Im trying to muster up about a half hour of engery to pick up my house and I am going to bed. Jw asked me if I was fucking anymore this week. I was nah, not feeling it. I feel a little like I dont want to be bothered with anyone, but that did not really include Jw, he does not get on my nerves like he once did, but I feel like sex might be a little less exciting for the next 2 months until this first trimester is over.

I went to the doctor tonight. I almost had a full fledge cry there. I am in a panic it was like I got the news all over again. Of course he had to do an internal exam, and of course I feel like a whore as he asks me if I want STD testing. I really cant believe that I am pregnant. Tomorrow I make the appointment for the ultrasound. OMG I cant even believe this still. I am really in shock.

Otherwise a lot of the angry from yesterday subsided. Thank God. Took some overtime shift for october. I am not thrilled about that, I feel like I am too exhausted to do it, but I also feel like I need to make some money to pay for this dam paternity test. I am aggravated by young boy, acting like I did something to him. He is Young, I expected nothing less than this kind of behavior, but as far as I am concerned I think all the men need to chip in for this test. This would be the price we pay for unprotected sex. Shit, if I can work overtime as a single mother, pregnant and exhausted, then all these men can. Although it is not lost on me, they might feel like they have wasted their money if it was not theirs, but how is it solely my responsibility.

So my old Dom is coming over in a hour or so. I need to be fisted and I need the intense release that comes with that. Not that this will happen tonight, but I need someone to suck on my tits, alot, for a long time.

Wow what a difference a few minutes can make. I was just talking with my mom. I just started to get agitated with everything. And my mom says "why dont you journal to help you let go of some of this". I laugh to myself and then Im like yeah let me unload.

Im trying to plan a trip to disney in the next month or so, because I want to take my daughter this year, we had planned on going in February but I will be too pregnant then. And I am going with my parents because they love her and I dont want to travel that far alone. I am freaking out because I am still afraid of planes since 9/11, a plane can not even fly over me with out my heart stopping and checking to see if it is going to plummet to the earth or not. Pregnant and flying equals no drugs to relax me, conversely in a car with my parent for an extended period of time - will kill me.

Money. Can I just say I cant breathe about any of it. I am scared about my lack of funds, my lack of earning potential and scary realization I might creep out of middle class to poor.

I hate my new boss at work, he frankly sweats too much and is argumentative and thinks he knows everything! He makes me sick to even look at him, and he did not wash his hands when exiting the bathroom today.

My friend telling me she worries about me having this second child got to me.

My almost constant text and IM from people desiring my attention, and I have not desire to speak or see anyone at all, so anything communication just feels intrusive and frustrating.

Going to Disney with out Levis Dad, I almost feel like I should ask him, we always wanted to take her together. It makes me very sad.

My hot tub and other belongings at the old house, I miss my stuff and if the Jamican dont paint my house this week like he said he would I am going to loose it. I can not live in this white wall box anymore.

My body feels weird, my hair looks bad, I look like a beaten women. My skin is itching and my allergies are bad.

I felt like I missed T today, maybe that means I am just missing love. I just wish I could share this pregnancy with someone, share my life with someone. Its not that I am not wanting another child, it is that I am wanting a partner is life as well. And the two do not really seem to go together.

I still mad at D, and have some very mean thoughts about him. I dont like when I feel that angry. I would like to think I am a little more understanding than that.

Tonight I pray for someone to share my life with and strength to get me through this low point tonight.

I wake up this morning late in a hurry I grab a fortune cookie on my way out the door to hold me over til I get to work and can have breakfast. "Learn to love by loving yourself first" is the message in the cooke. I stopped and shook my head and thought to myself yeah right. Do I love myself? What does loving your self look like? Do I value and honor myself?

I spent most of my day damm near comatose at my desk trying to work, and came home to pass out in my bed at 430 and I am just not getting up at 630. I just can not believe the intensity of this fatigue. I dont want to do anything but sleep and I guess this is all pretty normal stuff, I do remember things being this exhausting but I also had a husband to cook me dinner, take out the trash, clean up the house and all that other bullshit. Yeah as my daughter and I gather our belongings to walk out the door this morning, I realize I forgot to pack my kid a lunch. So hopefully it will only be another 6 weeks of this extreme fatigue and I will move on to the ankle swelling and heartburn. :) Im not complaining though, just still in shock. And still getting used this significant slower pace in my life. I miss the days where I was ready for anything after work and felt good when I woke up in the morning. Tonight, I have to myself, My daughter with her dad, I am going to heat up some leftovers and head right back to bed.

Feeling better today, spending the day with someone who loves me is nice. My friend, my old boss, and someone who is there for me always, we had a good time with our kids and enjoying conversation. Made me feel good about life. She does say to me " I am worried about your phycological health with two kids by yourself and a part time father" in shock I am "really" she is like "i know you, this will be hard for you, you might need to let the reins go on your daughter a little big" I know what she means but I give everything to my daughter, like everything I have not material things, and in her life there has been so few days I have not had her with me every waking second, and I would not have it any other way. I am worried about my inability to ask people for help, or even accept help when it is thrust apon me. I will need help, I will even need help in this pregnancy. As my friend encourages me to let her watch my daughter for the night just so I can have some me time, I hesitate. I miss my baby so much even when she is with my mom. I usually feel a strong urge to go pick her up in the middle of the night when she is there. I just like her near me. This is probably why she slept with me for the last few years.

These are the good parts of life that I love. I love good family fun, day trips, teaching and showing my daughter all the different things in the world to experience. I am so happy I was not so exhausted today. I was super nervous about driving so far and being ready to pass out before we got home. My tits still sore, I need to where a bra to bed, they just hurt so bad. But I am not complaining, That has got to be the best side effect of pregnancy.

All in all I am pretty darn excited today, Dr. Appt on tuesday, hoping they will do an ultrasound to date the pregnancy or give the script for one so I can have a better idea of the baby daddy.

I woke up late, drug myself to the supermarket, went swimming with my daughter out of sheer guilt, came home took a nap, made dinner, took a nap, cried on the phone to my mom, blogged and then I am going to bed. As I sobbed to my mom on the phone "I dont remember it being this hard", she talks to me in the calm soothing voice I need. I know it was hard last time. Very hard, but I did have my husband last time, so the housework and shopping and errands all got done when I could not find the energy to move. For some reason, well guilt, I have set a play date to an amusement parking tomorrow. I am regretting that more than I could express right now, but I will be going, and I am sure I will need a nap half way through the day. I also thought I would be able to work some overtime friday, if I did not have a paternity test to pay for I would tell them I wont be there. I know the exhaustion wont last forever but good god this breaks a person down. Hard to remain emotional stable when you feel like you are sleep deprived.

Jw texts me the other day...u seem like a talkitive person in your blog but you seem quite shy in person, why is that but your not shy when you are getting fucked?

Good question. I need a certain comfort level to be myself, but getting fucked is instinctual. There is no reason to be shy, it is natural and beautiful and peaceful and I dont have to think most of the time, but afterward the talking I have to think too much. Like what will he think of me, I dont want to bother him, he does not want to be bothered with me. I do think alot about other peoples comfort level and I want them to be comfortable. Why would they want to listen to me talk. It is also a way to protect myself, we dont talk, I dont know you, I dont like you, I dont get hurt. Maybe it is how I am able to not fall in love with all the men who make my body feel good. I do talk to some of them. Young boy we talk. He loves to talk. I used to have to kick him out my house like 2 am because he was talking like 2 hours, but he loves to talk about himself and I just humor him, we laugh we have a good time, but I think he talks more then I ever do. The Jamicain and I talk, he wakes me up to talk, to talk about deep spiritual shit, happiness, the important things in life, God and love. I talk to d, but he does nothing but correct me. When I talk to L, he does not listen to me, and just wants to talk about sex. I talk to my old dom he listens and give some advice, but he seems a little too relaxed about everything, maybe it comes with age, when I talk to my girlfriend, she listens but she is so distracted it is almost not worth it. I talk to my other friend, she listens but gives no feedback which frusrates me. I used to talk to T, I let my guard down with him and let it all go, and we saw how bad that ended. I used to talk to my ex husband and he left. Not a great track record. I should just keep my mouth shut. I feel a little worried I sound and feel so hormonal. On the verge of tears all the time and at some point while Jw is on top of me yesterday, I could have cared less about the dick but I just reveled in this mans body being so close I could feel his heart beating.

My mom tells me my sister is away for the weekend, long weekend with her girlfriends, I was instantly jealous. I feel like I am just going to be a mother and that is it forever. I will just take care of children and get dick on the side when I can. That sux - but then again marriage SUX too.

I saw a pic of D's other children, his daughter looks just like my daughter, it was a little freaky. It made me so angry! I am so angry with him, just cant articulate why just yet.

I am going to bed, to cry, to pray, and to sleep. Im going to pray I make it through an amusement park with two 5 years olds and an hour and half drive and one very hormonal mother. Wish me luck.

Turns out that I needed sex. So when he got there I did not feel particularly like I needed it but when the time came for me to put my mouth on his dick, I started to get into it. We fucked for a long time and when it was all over all I could do is laugh at myself and my intense frustration I had felt before and how calm my body felt then. It was good to feel calm and my body just relaxed into my bed as I laid there and smiled. Of course now that I am pregnant Jw comes in me, I love that. I dont always love it, it is a person to person thing. I dont know what it means to me, but there is some kind of positive sexual gratification that comes from having his cum in me. I really like it, and I really like when I am laying there afterward and I slide my fingers down into my wet pussy and it is full and dripping with his cum. Awesome.

My tits are so sore, he spends a lot of time with my tits, and they are already incredible sore from pregnancy and from the last time he torture my tits. When he is pinching or pulling on them sometimes the pain gets so intense I beg him to stop, and try to move his hand, he tells me to cry and he will stop. I cant cry. I try to to cry because the pain is so fucking intense I should easily be able to cry, but I cant, I get angry. I want to fight, I feel like freaking out. I feel like I must like it because my pussy becomes wetter as he does it, but I did feel like fighting so he could put me back where I needed to be.

So this would be so one of those days I could use some herbal meditation, or at least an Ativan, but I dont do that while I am pregnant so frankly anyone who comes in contact with me is getting the brunt of my frustration.

First my kids school. We had a serious issue that is still unresolved despite my best effort to reach an agreement with her teacher. Now we just got back from dance class with the mean girls we know from preschool. Even their teacher at the preschool said they were mean kids. They were mean and 3 and they are still mean at 5. Their moms all black women, with money. I want to kick their faces in. They make me want to vomit as they sit there and watch their fucking kids at like animals. This one kid wont hold my kids hand in circle, and comes out and pushes my kid. Thats were I draw the line, your fucking "mini me" with a fucking chip on her shoulder and an entitled attitude at five does not get to push my kid. So I said something to my daughter and her kid since she was too busy playing on her phone to notice her kids bullying.

I keep telling myself I better learn how to deal with these fucking retarded women who I feel nothing but STRONG hate for. These women's children are the problem with the world. I feel bad because I realize we will be going to school with these assholes for the rest of her schooling. I raise my daughter to be a good human being, to live peacefully and with kindness and love. I need to learn to accept that not everyone believes these are important attributes, and also teach my daughter how to deal with the scum of the fucking earth. And let me add I prefer poor people any day. I love poor people they are just different, and I just like them better. I should have moved to a poor area. What was I thinking.

So I spoke to D's brother today, who asked me if I have talked to D lately, and I have not, it has been over a month and he is on my shit list I know why he has not called me because he told me he would help me with something and he is probably afraid I will try to cash in on the favor. I was driving home, stuck in some crazy traffic, on the phone with L talking about D and I lost it. I got so fucking angry and it went something like this

"You can tell your fuck face brother he can go fuck himself. He is a poor excuse for a man, he is a coward! How is he going to allow another man to claim his child and then still struggle to see the child how has grown to love him (even though she does not completely understand his role in her life). And you can tell him I am not enchanted by his dick NO MORE. He can keep his dick, and his cowardly ways, he can continue to pretend we did not create a child, he can try as may to find success in his life, but he never will as he is unable to own up to his responsibilities." Oh and I went on more and more about how I was tired of carrying him, being his emotional support when he needed it, his financial support when he needed it, his punching bag when he needed it. I NEVER asked that piece of fucking shit for anything I have only loved him and gave him everything I could. I hate him, and I really hope one day he will understand that mistakes he made and perhaps because he cant live with honor is why he can not find success.

Now I live with honor. I am a person who is kind and caring. Maybe difficult to see that based on the shit I just wrote about kids in this post, but I try to tread lightly in this world, own up to my mistakes and follow my heart and not get caught up in little things. I dont hide from my responsibilities, I dont fuck with peoples emotions. I guess that is in hopes that one day I will find some people that wont do it to me.

I am even made at T today, Good thing he did not call me, I could have called him a few names too. I could have called him out on all his cowardly ways and diminishing behaviors. Not a good day for men for me.

I even felt like calling Young Boy and telling him that if he is going to be a big boy and refuse to wear a condom and hold me down and put it in, despite me telling you I am ovulating and I am not on the pill and I am not having an abortion... after all that you want to still fuck me raw, then you better grow the fuck up and be ready for a baby. I dont want to hear no fucking whining how you want to finish college and have a wife before you have kids and you have no money and blah blah blah you should have wrapped that dick up! I told you point blank while you were trying to slide that shit in raw, "I am not on the pill, I am ovulating and I am not having an abortion"

The only man that has not pissed me off today would be my ex husband. I actually was kind of proud of our co parenting skills dealing with the school. And he will be taking my daughter to dance class next week, because I will fuck a bitch up. lol. I would never like to hurt anyone, but I will not allow someone to hurt my baby.

I am feeling a little more calm, not much but some. I cried myself to sleep last night, I cried in the car today, I cried at the doctors office, I cried when I got home while I was talking to my mom. I am feeling so emotional. I know 80% of this is the hormones. I know it is. There are days during my cycle I really feel like I could hurt someone. And these crazy hormones will fuck with me from now until delivery.

I guess I am still hurt too. These men they tell me they love me, I think they want to love me. Like D and T. They loved me to a point. T wanted to love me but could not accepts all my demons, and D he loves me because I am good to him and because I have a child with him, but he cant love me like I need to be loved. His love is shallow, for everyone in his life.

All I ever want is peace and love in my life, spiritual growth and someone to share my life with. I wanted a big family, as many kids as I can afford, and just focus on the things and people I love in my life. I am beyond disappointed in myself that I do not know who the father of this child is.

Jw suppose to be here in 30 mins. I should stop crying and go get a shower. My house is a mess still, I am starting to think maybe this is how it will be forever. I dont care anymore. I hope I can resist the urge to cry while he is here. Maybe I can get the crying out while he is fucking me, it does not feel quite so bad then. Low moments today. Lots of anger and lots of ugres to cry. I almost started crying talking to one of my clients today. She struggles with addiction to drugs like I do to addiction to sex. She came to me for support, and to help her fight her urges. I know her battle is uphill, and I empathize with the struggle to fight that urge. Sometimes I wish i could share my own struggles with her, but she knows I understand her and that is why she came to me. I just want to help her better her life. That is all, I just want to help people and I need to remember that desire as I move on this journey to further my education and increase my earning potential. I feel like I have so my potential, I could certainly start up my own non profit, but you know dick chasing always distracts me!

I realize at this point I am just rambling. I just needed to empty my head.

I went to the doctor today to have my band unfilled. All the congratulations from the staff there, so awkward. I hate the attention, and I hate even more that I have not totally allowed myself to accept this. I am going through the motions, dr appts, bloodwork, eating healthy and all that jazz. With the band half way unfilled it is lovely that I can eat again. I lost a few pounds this week because I could not eat, so I had to get the band unfilled today. Scary, I do not want ot gain weight back. I cant do it. I still feel like am just getting close to feeling like myself, to feeling stronger and not fighting the emotions with food. I want my old mind back, my strong unbreakable spirit back. I want myself back.

I am still is awe and quickly my sex drive has left me. Like vanished. I wonder how it will be with Jw tonight, will it come when I see him, when his dick is in my mouth will I feel it. I am sure I will feel mass amounts of stress relief when it happens and I am confident I need it,but I got to tell you, laying in bed with my head resting on his chest and a fuzzy blanket watching Different world reruns sounds better than anything right now.

Did I mention how emotional hard pregnancy is for me...... shit I sound fucking crazy!

This pregnancy is kicking my ass already. As I remember the extreme fatigue of last time and unrelenting nausea and vomiting, I am beginning to believe I am pregnant, it has become real for me. Fortunately I am so freaking tired, worrying, stressing for freaking out require too much energy so I have adopted the whatever attitude. I see that some friendships and or relationships have begun to become strained, because I do not have the energy, time or desire to engage in idle chit chat via yahoo, via text, shit dont even call if you dont have something good to say. I dont think men fully understand the drastic change your body goes through during pregnancy and it starts ASAP. Last time I was pregnant, I thought I had mono because I could not stay awake, turns out I was just pregnant. Maybe that is natures way of helping women relax during a stressful time.

I do wish I had something more exciting to report, but I dont. I am in bed asleep before 9 almost every night. I thought I would check in this morning. I have had the desire to blog, but not enough to get out of bed for it.

I am feeling very sleepy this week, par for the course I suppose. My heart is torn about the father thing. The more days that pass the more I get confused about what happened in my life that week. I try to piece together when I felt symptoms, calculate possibilities and try to give my heart some peace. I have relaxed into the idea that whoever the father maybe, it will be ok, but as a person who needs to plan, not knowing is breaking me down! And I can do the test till the end of October. That so far away.

The other day when the Jamaican slept over here, I was getting out of the shower and standing at my dresser getting dressed, he wakes up, as he sits up and looks out the window he says "thank you lord". That touched me. I just sometimes have trouble recognizing how blessed I am in my life, and this man wakes up thanking god to be alive. Im glad I saw that, it made me think about how I need to thank God more often.

My sex drive has significantly decreased. It is a weird thing for me not to crave sex daily. I dont even think about it too much. Here and there, but no serious heat.

Even my mind these days is dull, like someone has shut the light off or at least dimmed it. My writing / my thoughts dont flow, the rhythm of my language is lost. All I do is sleep, work, make dinner, shower and sleep. Tonight we went to the pool, and it took everything I had to do that.

While I was there in the locker room, my cousin was there. She was telling me how I was "looking good" which means she could tell I have lost weight since I last saw her. Which all I can think was well that wont last for long. I only gained 20lbs with my daughter. I tend to do ok with the weight as I am super devoted to eating healthy for the baby and I end up eating tons of veggies and fruits. Now if I can only master that when i am not pregnant. I love the baby enough to give it the nutrients it needs, but not myself. (Shaking my head in disgust).

If this baby is young boys that will not be a good thing. I do not want to have a baby with a 25 year old boy who lives with his mother and has NO interest in having a baby. That one scares me a little. I like him, he is a nice person, and I am comfortable with him, I am cool with him, but I can see his dumb ass wanting to parade a baby around as a way to pick up women. Seriously. I wish I was more comfortable with Jw, but part is me not wanting to think about it too much, if Jw is not the father that will hurt me. A long wait until I get the test done.

I did not make it through work today. I was have physical difficultly staying awake while talking to my clients so I thought it was time for me to go home and sleep. So I did. I went home and passed out for a well needed nap, then I ended up waking up and texting with Jw, while I masturbate to the video from last night for a damm hour. I would be so much more productive if I did not have so much focus on on dick and orgasms.

I cant believe that this is my life, that I am pregnant and I have to wait to find out by who. I keep telling myself there is no reason to worry about it, it is what it is. Whoever the father might be, I cant change it now, and It does not change my feelings about the pregnancy. Still have not wholly wrapped my head around this idea of having a baby, and still grieving the idea of the white picket fence family, but my head still knows that I am not a white picket fence girl and I need to wholly accept that.

It as become very clear today I have got to get my band unfilled. I cant eat, and I have found that I am in pain whenever I try to eat some real food, so I will go take care of that this friday hopefully.

My tits are wonderfully sore from the pain Jw gave me last night. That is so gratifying. I am going back to bed shortly, I need a little re-cooperation.

So Jw did come by tonight. I was so nervous waiting for him. I lfeel like I am a little kid sometimes, I feel so awkward. I left the door open for him and when he came into my room, I could not really look him in his face. I just felt inferior maybe is the word I want, I still wonder why he likes to fuck me. I still always feel I could do better with him. I find myself wanting to kiss him, kiss his neck, his face while he is on top of me with his arms around me, but I just cant do it. So I guess T might have had it right "I just cant kiss like that- and that is who I am". Maybe... but I think I just need time to feel comfortable. A LONG time, but I do eventually let my desires guide me. He is hard for me to read, I cant quite tell what is emotional state is. I dont like this. I like people who I can tell how they are feeling, it make me comfortable, the not knowing makes me feel not good enough. The sex with Jw was really good last night. When we were done I said I felt abused, in a good way, but abused. My body hurt. My tits hurt so bad from his abuse they were throbbing, my pussy felt like I was at a gang bang. I had wanted to be fisted but my body was spent, I felt good right where I was. I needed that so bad. I had wanted to see my old Dom for some pain, but looks like I got what I needed. Then there is the ass. I want to have Jw fuck my ass, but I cant relax with him yet. It is very hard for me to breath and let it go. I am a little worried once I relax myself he might hurt me...I dont trust him yet is the problem. He made me get on top. I hate it on top, and I whine a lot. I love it when he tells me to shut up and frankly the look on his face when he is enjoying something makes me want to do well but on top is not fun for me. I get up there, and start to. It has moments of pleasure. Sometimes when I am on top I cant get the dick where I want it, but he shifted or did something and I felt what I needed and for a brief moment I fucked him with not a thought in my head. That felt good and I liked it, but eventually reality hit me and how do I know he likes it? Then I want to get down. He kept me there much longer than I would have liked. I like when he touch me, more to the point I like him on top of me, his arms around me him close to me. That feels good.

I hope that this child is his, I must that not knowing will kill me, I just want to know now so I can adjust what I am thinking and get my head straight, if I have this child and it turns out to be young boys and I find that out in the hospital that will be a challenge for me to say the least.

I am hoping the dr maybe can give me a more clear idea of when I conceived when they see the baby on ultrasound. I am running late, I got to go to work.

So I have become a little overcome with emotion. I decided better to come down here to blog then lay and bed and stew. He never called or text me. I am beyond angry. And I know it is only 8pm but you told me you be here around 8. This one brought me to tears. My heart just cant take someone fucking around with it. You say you will "defiantly" be here, well god dammit you better be here or you sure as hell better tell me you wont. And tell me you wont in a reasonable time frame. So for the first time in the last week abortion ran through my mind. Im ashamed of that, but it did. I just dont know how I will do this alone if Jw does not follow through. I am reminded of so many things with that thought.

- the love for my daughter and how it is strong enough to carry through anything

-how there are amazing women every where that do this and I am no less than amazing

-that I cant judge someone based on that alone, thats unfair and causes me nothing but stress

-that for my sanity I can not believe that the man (im pretty sure) got me pregnant would be a heartless person.

In the car today my daughter talked about D, how she misses him and how come he has not come to see us. That shit broke my heart. She does not even know D is her biological father, but one day she will and she will wonder why he never sees her. I told her he went home, to his island and he would be there a few months, but he loved us and he would be over when he came back. Truth is D is so self absorbed and so fucking different than I am, he does not see a problem with not seeing her often. I cant do that again. My daughter has a daddy who loves her more than life itself and what about the new baby will that baby have a dad that loves it and sees it?

Then I say to myself I did not see my father too much growing up and lived in the same house as me, and I am fine. Then like a train screeching to a halt I am reminded I am not fine! I am sure there is a connection to my feelings about my father and my intense need to be a "good girl" and abused by men.

But let me turn to God, is this his plan? Or is this just the life I have created. As I lower my head and concede that I believe we create our own destiny. This is the destiny I have created. When does the madness stop? Will I ever choose something other than heartache for myself?

Why do I always end up waiting around for a man? Why Please Tell me why I will always wait for a man to call me, to show up, to pay me attention? That shit is freaking cutting years off my life.

Tonight has been a low night, a sad one. The Jamaican just called me and all I can do is cry on the phone. I am not crying just because Jw did not come when he said he would or because he did not text me I am crying because I am scared to death. I m scared at some point I will not be able to do this on my own that I am kidding myself and I am should take the cowards way out. I am crying because if I dont love the babies father, will I be able to love the baby like I love my daughter? I remember them handing my my daughter, I did not love her like I love her now. The love needed time to grow as I am sure it would with any child, but still I worry. Im crying because there is no honor in what I have done. There is no happy story about creating a love child , there is only the cold truth that he just ripped the condom off. I

I want to know him, I need to know him better than I do. Maybe that he did not tell me to have an abortion should speak volumes of a person, and it does. There is nothing worse than telling someone you are pregnant and then them begging you to kill the baby inside your body. He really has been very gentle with my feelings and nothing but nice. This has been a very emotional weekend. Part of the reason pregnancy is so hard on me.

With no exaggeration, when I was pregnant with my first daughter I cried all the time. I would cry every day the whole time in the car to and from work.. that was an hour of crying daily at least. I remember my New boss asked me how I was doing and I started sobbing uncontrolably and had to go into her office. I was a mess, not only does my body not belong to me, but my mind is gone too during pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my daughter like 5 months D came to the house to do some work and in front of my husband he said I was getting big, not meanly but I began to cry so hard and sobbed for so long, neither D or my husband could console me. I cried for hours and just began to sob harder thinking about that.

I even found myself calling my ex husband today just to vent about something going on with our house and shit, that was the first time I called him for anything since he left. It is already hard enough being alone here but I am so scared about so much.

Like who will stay with me toward the end of my pregnancy? I had my daughter and 35 weeks and she came 3 hours after my water broke at home with 3 pushes. The second child always comes faster, who will be able to take me? Who will watch my daughter? What if I am alone and the baby comes too fast. I am so scared and I have hit full-fledged hysteria. Ugh what if they put me on bed rest to prevent early labor, oh dear god, I can not imagine all of the possibilities. I can not survive if I can not work, I will loose my job.

LIke I need to say it, but tonight is a bad night. I am going to burn my sage and pray. I called the Jamaican man tonight, i dont want to be alone tonight. He told me he would call me when he got done work and see if I am still awake.

Wow I am mess tonight.

So I am 5 weeks pregnant now. Still so very very early, and in all reality I am not 100% about the father. All though highly unlikely it could be anyone else.

I am feeling so bitchy. I had to talk myself down few times today, but I am still feeling confident and kind of like people need to get the fuck out of my way. My daughter is really beginning to become a challenge, she has been testing boundaries all the time. And tonight as I braided her hair in preparation for school tomorrow, all I can think to myself is please god let this child be a boy because I can not do two girls hair everyday.

So Jw told me he would defiantly be here tonight. I got to say I am not real confident his defiantly will come through. That puts just a little more panic in my heart, if he does not always follow through when he says he will call me or he says he will be some where then how can I count on him to be a father. I am going to be angry if he does not show up tonight, because I told the Jamaican I can not see him tonight, and I NEED to have sex. NEED It! I seriously need it tonight. We will see. I am already feeling bitchy so I hope if he does not come he does not call. L called me today and we were talking, at point I said "Your irritating me, I am going", lol.

My mom still not said one word to me about this, I think that is so weird, but I am not going to bring it up to her, the bitch in me will most defiantly come out. So I will just leave it be and ride this out - solo if need be.

Not much else going on, my tits are still swelling and my nipples are hard all the time. That part I absolutely LOVE!

My mom has not said one word to me about being pregnant. She did not question too much who the father was and since her expression of the financial concern, she has said nothing. I understand the financial concern, as this divorce has not left me in the best spot financially and I am blessed to have them in my life to catch me when I get fall. So her concern is not lost on me. I am concerned too, but with that concern is a strong feeling that I have no control over this. Since abortion is just not an option and adoption is not even a consideration, I have not choice but to press on and I will probably be happier if I press on with positive feelings and a sense that everything will work out, rather then a negative one. And I am happy, I truly have wanted another child since the very moment I had my daughter.

I have thought about Jw a lot as I am reminded how little I know him. I think I have only seen him like 5 or 6 times. Maybe a few more but I dont think so. I dont know anything really and it is weird. People who read my blog have some idea of who I am and how I live, but I dont really have any idea about him. I keep thinking about not having my baby with me, like if he were to take the baby overnight or something like that. How would I be with that? That scares me more than anything. Just the fear of that unknown, and not knowing him. I dont know his spirit. It is not like he has bad energy or I get bad vibes from him, quite the opposite, but I just dont know his spirit, his soul. My spirit and his spirit will create a life, I just want to know him on a different level. I want to love him. I want the father of my child to be a man that I can love. I dont know who you get to know someone better or more deeply with out time. Lots of time just being together, talking and just being. This seems like a backwards ass way to do things, but it will be fine. I do believe that, not really worried, just impatient. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow I could know Jw as well as I know myself. Also concerns me, this blog. It is only a part of me. There is more to me than fucking. Granted, not much more at times, but more.

Today I went to my parents house to pick up the mower to go mow 2 acres of overgrown yard at my old house. My dad moves slow as he possibly can, so I just got the truck and trailer and hooked it up by myself, got the tractor ready to load. I go inside because the back of the trailer is just to heavy for me to lift by myself, I can do it, but I just feel like maybe I will let him this time. He comes out smiling hard because I took care of everything. He does not need to say it, but I know he is proud of me. He face lights up whenever I take care of business. He trusts me, and that means a lot to me.

When I arrive at my old house I see my neighbor as been using have my yard as a parking lot and pumping the standing water off his property to mine. I already have water in my basement and this joker has a pipe buried under his driveway to pump water into my yard. You must be fucking kidding me right. I start taking video and pics to document, call my real estate agent and friend, and then I go talk to the neighbor. This asshole admits to pumping water into my field, which coincidently has made the water problem in my basement worse. I kept my cool easily as I do enjoy confrontation at times, but I got to tell you it felt good to have a conversation with this guy. I walked away after I let him know that he would be legally liable for any and all damages incurred for the extra water and we had some back and forth, he mostly he just apologized a lot. I kinda felt bad for him because he has a lot of water on his property but all my water is in my basement, so he is going to have to figure it out.

Either way I got on my mower and started the 3 1/2 hour process of mowing thinking The Bitch is Back ! Since the divorce and since T broke my heart I have been more likely to cry then fight for myself. But I think that ship has sailed. It felt good. I kind of felt like handling all the bullshit I have let slide in the last 3 months. Like T must not realize that the bullshit he pulled is some fucked up shit and you going to need to come at me a little be better than that. If only I had some balls back in June. Oh yeah I am feeling like I could rule this world again.

Right up until sheet utter exhaustion overcame me. Ahhhhh the joy of creating life, it will suck the life right out of you. As I am beginning to accept I am really pregnant I am becoming more aware of some changes I need to make. I want to paint my own house desperately, well at least the trim. The Jamaican is going to paint the walls but it is not like his job I feel like I can help out. I cant bring myself to do it. I know that paint I have has low VOC but it still has some. And even if I have the doors and windows open that is still exposure to the volatile organic compounds and during such a crucial stage of development I just cant do it. This is how I am, I prefer natural everything, with as little chemicals as possible in my home. With knowledge comes power and responsibility. I guess I will need to ask for help. God I hate to ask for help. I hate it with a passion. I wish I could do it all on my own, but I cant.

Jw talked about coming down the other night, last night I think, but he did not. He says he is coming tomorrow. We will see. He is not someone who seems to be 100% reliable. The concerns me, but I just think he has a lot going on with his family and girlfriend and work and just life. I have not had sex all week, not since Jw last week. Sex drive I am sad to report is way down. I am so tired, my boobs hurt so bad, and my stomach is upset, I just really have not wanted to be touched. A few fleeting moments but no I gotta to fuck right now. I do need to have sex or that feeling that I got to have it right now will come back with wild abandon, so hopefully he will take care of that tomorrow. And hopefully we will have a video of it.

My ex husband called today. I could tell there was something wrong with him, he is struggling with anxiety disorder and is either too stupid or too proud to do something to help himself. I want to help him, I would not like anyone to suffer, but my patience with him is a little on the thin side. If you cant help yourself after all of this, after all of the upheaval, after all of the detachment, after breaking up our family then I am sorry but you are on your own baby. I got too much happening in my life to take care of him too.

He texts me just now " I am truly sorry, I never meant to hurt you or (our daughter)". The whole thing is beyond sad. We were together 15 years.

I am happy to be home alone tonight. There is NOTHING sweeter than walking into my home and having it be exactly as I left it and peaceful, it feels peaceful here, it feels good here. I love it, now how I incorporate the some kind of adult love in there and I will be set.

This past week has been phenomenal. I have not felt so happy in a long time. , I think I have walked around with a smile on my face all day every day. I told my mom tonight. I could not keep it to myself. She says "thats great as long as the two you can afford it" :) Got to love my mom! LMAO.

Took my daughter to dance class tonight. Here I am stuck in the waiting room with 6 rich black women who seem like they should be on some kind of reality show. I felt weird, not inferior, just out of place. Other than the obvious difference of our race, upbringing, priorities, values, choice in clothing we did have one thing in common. BIG BLACK MEN. In walk the husbands. At one point I am sitting between a 6'5 black man who looks like a ball player and another 6'2 light skin guy and another one in front of me. Iam sure I had a smile on my face. 3 dicks all less then 5 feet from my face always makes me happy. I should learn to engage in friendly conversation with these women, I know them all from when my daughter went to preschool, but their kids i called the "mean girls" they are the girls that were 3 and 4 and acted like they were 13 or 14, and bullies. Where are all the poor kids? I like poor people better, I just do. These women all live in a very expensive neighbor hood, professional jobs etc.. and i am looking at them thinking... do you suck your mans dick? They seem just a little too into their clothes their coach bags, their appearance. Ugh not my kind of girls, but we did talk, I was friendly. We were laughing about something and looking something up on google, I found it first and the girl wanted to see the pic on my phone, she kind of over took it as I let it go and she passed it around and all i could do it pray in my head " please dont anyone send me and text or pic". I can see someone getting a pic of me getting fucked or a dick pic or a text that says "hey slut u wanna fuck" . That would not have gonna over, luckly no problems but damm i got to stop that preview option on my phone.

So I have not had sex since last weekend with Jw. He might come down late night tonight. I told him I need some I do. I dont want to get to sexually frustrated and end up loosing my mind one night and doing something I dont really want to do.

Im going to bed early again tonight, in hope Jw will wake me with some dick later tonight.

It is amazing just how quickly my body changes. Amazing! So much on my mind these days, but mostly it is that I love the people in my life. The "crew" that has taken care of my sexual needs for years, the new people, the spiritual people, the comfort people the friends, the family, the co workers. I feel very loved and I should hold onto that feeling, which is why I write it here, so I can remember it.

I just talk to T for an hour or so. I felt the heart sinking feeling like I was going to cry on the phone with him for a few minutes but it passed. I let the sadness wash over me again and this time it did not consume me, and it passed. I spoke freely with him, I like that I can say anything and we have incredible conversation sometimes, tonight it was just relaxed and fun. When we hung up, I cried just a little bit, I let myself go with it and I cried just for a minute. I got to believe that everything in my life happens for a purpose, and maybe with out him ending our relationship I would not have gotten pregnant. And maybe a year from now I will understand it all or not. I am still surprised just how broken hearted this thing has made me feel.

Side thought on that----

I dated this guy in high-school, my first, and when he broke up with me if felt very similar. Total emotional devastation! I thought that I would go back to him always, until he called me 4 years later and we met up, and I was like... wtf I loved this idiot. Just takes me so long to unlove someone if i ever do. My heart is so into it when it is into it. 4 years I thought about him, I just need closure and understanding. I will never understand a person who can cut ties with a person and be done with it. There is NO one in my life I would not at the very least sit down for some conversation with. If I ever loved you, you are important enough to me to talk to.

D has not called me over a month. He is most likely back home, as this is the time of year he likes to go home. I want to - in equal parts - kick his ass while I tell him about his lacking skills and sense of pride in being a father and just hug him in silence. I never thought there would be a day when the thought of talking to D would kind of make me exhausted and indifferent. But I am there- I have arrived to indifference!

My ex calling me every fucking day talking about shit I dont care about. Trying to get me to help with all kinds of shit. Too much on my plate, I need my safe mode. Sleep, Eat, Work, Mother and Fuck and that is it. All the bullshit has got to take a back seat. (Which is why my bills are sitting in front me waiting to be addressed and my home still looks like I just moved in). I asked my mom to come over tonight, she politely declined. I just want to her to ask me if I am pregnant, which I am sure she will. She knows something - I can feel it.

I was talking about her tonight to T, about how judgmental she is and how she makes me feel things that are not my values but hers and I need some space to get back into my own world. I love my mother, but she is like a rope around my neck at times, and she does not seem to understand why.

I did want to fuck today, really bad. I was in the cry driving home and oddly enough there was a women walking down the street with a huge ass! Huge in the best possible way. I did not want her, but I wanted to see her getting fucked and then I wanted some dick, and then by the time I had to stop 3 different places, before I picked up my daughter who then began to cry and misbehave, the thrill was gone! Gone.

I was feeling jealous today. I had to stop and drop a paper off and the dr office and there was a family of two little children and black man and white woman, and I was jealous. I think all I ever wanted was a black man in my life. I wish I knew where that comes from but made me jealous, their family looked really happy. But reality tells me - I could be fucking her man one day - I am sure of it! Even still he loves her. Ugh. Love.

I am sure I have said this before but I read a quote in a book that said something like

All the fights, all the wars, all the disagreements in the world come down to two questions.

How much do you Love Me?

and

Who is in Charge?

The Jamaican guy came over last night. He need a place to sleep as he is now going through a divorce as well. He and I talked a while about everything, he tells me he wishes he was the father of my baby, and could it be that he is? I say no, we use condoms, the likelihood of that is very very slim, and looking at the calender I dont think it is possible. I think that is just wishful thinking for him, but nothing like putting some fear in my heart. Can I just say that week or so after I got my period was not a good one. I was sad, trying to heal a broken heart with dick. I keep looking at the calender trying to figure out what day this would have happened. I still feel very confident that it is Jw, just because he was about 21 days from the positive preg test and you dont really get a pos test sooner then that. And he was the only one who came in me - but you know sometimes things slip by a person,.

So texting Jw last night he was a little more assertive with me. That I like, but it also scared me. I am worried about starting to like this man more, to open myself up to whatever and feel whatever comes for so many reasons. What if we find out this is not his baby, that would crush me. What if he hurts my feelings. . . and that is enough for me to be scared.

So Jw did not want to me to have sex with the Jamaican Man. I was ok with this as I fucked myself for like an hour yesterday afternoon so I was cool, but had I not done that I dont know how that would have felt. The conversation with the Jamaican was a little frustrating at times, and I think he apologized for pissing me off like 3 different times. He does help me relax most of the time. He just was talking about how my breast look different already and then he easily moved into how I look liked I gained a few pounds... just in my face though... I have not gained any weight, in fact I have lost like 5 pounds in the last month. I know I got to be puffy though, my band is still crazy tight and bloating an indigestion have made my pants tight. And here they come the fun pregnancy symptoms that I remember from before. Pregnancy was HARD on me. If there was a symptoms I had it for the whole time.

The jamicain and I go to bed, I have to tell him to stop talking like three times because damm I need some sleep, I cant get comfortable, my heart is beating fast like I am on a roller coaster( which happens in early pregnancy as your bodies increases its blood volume), my tits hurt last night. I sleep on my stomach, but I cant they hurt so bad. I struggled all night to find a good way to sleep, in between the no less then 5 trips to the bathroom, and wake up nauseous. Good times. I do feel some solace in the fact that symptoms are increasing which tells me the pregnancy is progressing.

When I wake up, I did want some dick. I really did, and it was just a few feet from me. I laid there thinking about Jw and then just moving my hand to his dick and just getting me some morning dick I love so much. I looked at the clock and looked at the man, and thought hard on this one. I laid still and frustrated breathing deeply and thinking about Jw's thoughts on me having sex with him last night. But it was so close to me, who would ever know, and I am so tired I thought that will perk me up some. I laid there thinking and procrastinating until 715 when there was just not even enough time to do it. Then I confidently woke him up, not with my hands, and got in the shower. Ok so a lesson in impulse control this morning, interesting to say the least.

My tits feel amazing. They are heavy and tender, they are bigger and wonderful. I wish they would feel like this always! My body craving to be touched this morning. The Jamaican guy is long gone and I am just here in the quiet of this house wishing there was someone here to play with my sensitive tits. I am craving some pain too. I am craving marks on my body and craving my face slapped and well I want to be made to cry and then fucked. I dont know why I have these kinds of cravings but there it is. 751 am the morning of a sleepless night and I wake wanting to be abused.

A lot on my mind tonight. I am trying to unload this fast because I am beat and need to sleep.

First I feel empowered. Something like fuck yeah I will do what I want and I am grown ass women and if I want to be bred by the sexy NY accent having black man with the nice dick I am doing it. I can do this, I can do anything, Its my world. That feeling is fleeting! But I like when it is here.

I kind of wanted to call Jw today. Just to ask him if he was still ok, or if he was freaking out. That scares me to think one day he will say to me he does not want to be a father to this child. I would never want to bring a child into this world not to be loved by their father, and I am also a little embarrassed to say I dont know Jw well enough to know his sincerity level. Im just scared, children need fathers, and it is not like I got anyone to do this with. It is just me. Oh my God. So I debated all day to text him or call him, the in a moment of poor impulse control I leave him a IM on yahoo. Just asking if he is still cool. I just need some reassurance. Although every time we talk he is very even, says that same things, no surprises, he has always appeared to be exactly who he seems. Comforting thought. I am still freaking out about the thought of having a baby and not having the baby near me. Breath in then out! I am over thinking this way to much. I can freak more about that maybe when I make it thru the first trimester. I am still trying to contain my excitement. I am really so excited!

I went to see the spiritualist man in the city tonight. I have never felt peace in my spirit as I do when I am with him. When he read my cards a week or so ago, he told me that the men I was thinking of (Jw and D) would not be good to have baby with. He tells me this is what the cards say, as he continued to ask me if I was pregnant. So yeah I guess the cards, the universe, the mind able to pick up on that. He said to me something that disturbed me. "You look like you are a victim ----long pause---a victim of yourself" Well what do I have to say to that. Wow I am a victim of myself. I like being with him, I seriously only get like 1/3 of what he says, his french accent is crazy, but it brings me peace and contentment. IDK why though just does. I said to him it feels like you can read my mind - he says I can.

T text me this morning. Still a little sad about T, if I ever thought for one second T would come back to me I nailed that door shut. I really loved that man. I really loved him. I want that kind of love in my life. I want to love someone enough that I would sacrifice myself for them, and them to love me enough not to ask me to do that. We talked on the phone the other day and he made a comment about something how I never call him. At least I can have enough pride in myself to not text and call a man who told me he does not want a relationship with me. (oh that still hurts to think about). I generally do not throw myself and men after I have received a clear I dont want u message. But I could have died this morning with his good morning text thinking oh god he read the blog. Just sad, i am tearing up so i am moving on because i cant cry over that man anymore.

My mom is weighing on my mind. She knows something is up with me. I can tell, and it wont be long I am sure until she asks me. I wish my parents did not have quite so much influence on me. Maybe that is why I have such a rebellious nature, rebellion and a strong desire to be reined in, and oddly enough an intense neg reaction when anyone other then a blk man tries too. Oh my!

Last thing is I know some amazing people. My mom asked me one time where I meet these people I know. I did not have the heart to tell her a lot of them share the same kind of fetish loves that I do or that they like to fuck me. Sometimes I think other people would diminish those relationships because they dont seem real. I know so many nice, real people who have been better friends to me then the more traditional friends. .Fucking does not take away from someone's character. Some friends I go to dinner with and some friends I fuck.

I woke up again to take another home pregnancy test. Its still positive, the little line is not getting darker though, still a little on the light side. Which could mean several things. I am crazy and need to stop taking pregnancy test and just go get bloodwork done, which i have made an appointment for. Could mean the pregnancy hormone not doubling at the rate it should, generally the more hcg hormone the darker the line. It could be the difference in brand, or fuck I am going to back to I am in a full panic. LOL I really am having trouble letting this sink in. I really just can not believe this.

I am feeling really kind of peaceful though. I went to bed early, set in bed and read my book listening to tv. I did have to make myself cum real quick watching a video of me getting fucked, but it seriously too like 3 mins and I was good. I would have preferred a man, but sad to say it was in the realm of - ok get on top of me and fuck me, dont talk to me, dont try to put in my ass, and when you are done please still dont talk to me, you can lay there, but I am keeping the remote. Or you know I think I could have been just has happy being fisted. I really want to be fisted.

Funny that is the type of mood I have peace within.

Jw slapped my tits so hard the other day they are bruised up. Every chance I get I be checking it out. I still love those marks on my body.

There is so much I want to say about fucking Jw yesterday. He was rough with me at times, and put his hand over my mouth. I like that alot. I feel like offering my body to him, for whatever he may want to do to it. He is on top of me I like him close to me. I like the weight of a man making me feel powerless. I like their skin close to mine, to smell them. I want to please him, I dont totally know exactly what he wants, but I want him to leave my house shaking his head like "damm I love fucking that girl". Then I want him to think about fucking me, and want to fuck me. I want his dick to get hard just thinking about fucking me.

I am capable of not being a whore I think. The feeling I get when I want to be owned and controlled it is consuming. Moments when I feel this intense urge to fall to someone else's pleasure is when I know submissiveness is where I feel most comfortable.

Thinking about Jw, and how for so long I treated him like a pain in my ass, I was so rude to him, and I just kept ignoring him, there was something he said that pissed me off, and it took many years of persistence for me to change my mind, and here today I think wow what a difference a year can make, Or more to the point the difference one split second decision to rip the condom off and cum in me can change everything. I was driving thinking to myself about him spitting in my mouth, and thinking about how that sensation of just wanting, loving, craving everything. And I realized that must be the point people get to when they do scat, and some more extreme stuff, because thinking about, I wanted his piss in my mouth, I dont know why, just did. I just wanted him to use me for whatever he wanted. He told me to pull on my tits and I said it hurt, he said he did not care. Oh it made me melt and feel all submissive used. The mind can do amazing things. Just that thought that I am pretty sure I have his seed in my body can make me feel like falling to his feet.

Im still having a little trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I am pregnant. I bought more home pregnancy tests, just in case. Just to make sure. My body starting to act up, my tits continue to be sore, and tingly, with some severe indigestion. No sign of a period, but maybe when you want something for so long you cant quite believe when it happens. I feel like I wont believe this wholly until I see a heart beat on the ultra sound screen.

In the mean time, the never ending tears have ended. I have not cried since early Saturday Morning. Not too bad since in the last month I have cried all day every day for almost no reason at all. I feel a little rejuvenated. Almost giddy. Nice after being so sad for so long!

Jw went upstairs and I headed up to get a shower and fuck him. I feel very awkward all of a sudden. I dont know how to act with this man. I am nervous having sex with him or at least the initial part. He is still so fucking sexy and I still think to myself, what the fuck is he doing here. We fuck, it was good. No condom, no point to that now. So that was nice. So he came in me. I am not quite sure what happens when someone cums in me, but I have to, have to suck their dick after. Something so fucking hot about that. I love it. He was slapping my tits, and calling me a slut. This all feels so comforting to me, and helps me get into my zone.

Later we talk and I try to assess some very real fears of mine such as: sharing custody, what being a father means when you dont live in the house. My baby girl now never left me for up until the last month. So for five years she was never away from me. I cant breathe a little thinking that someone would be allowed to just take my baby but i try to keep an open mind and let that go. And I am used to making all choices with no regard for anyone else. So what if we disagree - he said I am pretty sure everyone has disagreements, and I am sure they do, but I always get my way. Aint that crazy but I do, and frankly Jw does not seem like a man who will just roll over and let me make all choices. I was hoping our conversation would ease my nervousness, but it did not! I began to panic as we talk about there is a very small chance there could be someone else as the father. Then he goes on to say how condoms are not 100% my heart drops. I cant breathe at this point. I am looking at my calender, trying to figure it all out, and if Jw is the father I can handle that, but if he is not, this shit is going to suck bad. He is the only one that came in me and because of knowing so early, and figure out days since conception and all of that, I feel or at least I felt confident it was him.

Holy Shit! Its 6am and I am almost in a full panic. I took a home pregnancy test this morning. Just to be sure, just in case that nurse had the wrong person, but it was positive and I dont know maybe I convinced myself it would be neg. because when I saw it there was instant urge to vomit as fear pulsed through my veins. Pregnancy is hard on me. HARD! WTF was I thinking and I am pretty sure the next year of my life are going to be very hard, and very lonely, there are really no other options. I did it, and perhaps this is all part of my plan in my life. I know having my daughter changed my life dramatically in a positive way, maybe this will do the same.

The fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life it palatable. One kid is one thing, single mother with two kids and two different fathers, not really something I think I would be looking for. I need to relax, but seriously I cant. OMG i cant believe this. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I just feel like this is sealing that deal. Ugh maybe I should have thought this through a little more. When I was pregnant with my daughter , I was scared out of my mind and cry hysterically for 9 months. But I was in love with the father. I felt like a love child was so much more righteous then the sexy black man for NY breeding me because it is hot. Mabye its just that I feel like a whore, and I am dreading the conversation that will ensue with my parents. So I tell my mom some guy I fuck... I cant say my boyfriend, just some guy got me pregnant. Surprise ! I ask Jw if he was scared, he said only thing he is scared of is having a baby with someone he does not know. Yup yup that about sums that up.

So prenatal paternity testing is an option. I dont think I can go 9 months not knowing who the father is. The non invasive kind is like 1300, the risky kind is 450. Damm! And you cant do it til 13 weeks. Well past the point where abortion would even be a consideration. Not that I would, abortion does not seem like an option at all to me.

I got to go to work, I still got to get a shower, his cum is still dripping from my pussy this morning, Im trying to eat breakfast, trying to eat like I should with my oatmeal and blueberries and I think I am going to need a few minutes of meditation and prayer this morning before I go to work. OMG I still cant believe the home test the positive.

So he is sitting here 3 feet from watching the game. When he came in I feel very inferior, like I should keep my head down and do as he tells me. I guess there is nothing like breeding to create some instant desire to submit for me. He told me to come over and feel his pants, which i reluctantly did. His dick was rock hard and I really had an urge to ride it, right then. However my daughter is home and we will need to wait for that. He appears to be content there on the couch while I clean up and still try to get my house straight, and I cant help but feel so very awkward and strange. I dont get this. It is so crazy. I really want to fuck him. Like really want to fuck him bad. In my head I am thinking about any excuses I could give my mom why she needs to let her come over for a few hours. . It is too quiet in here. I dont know if he just this quiet for if he is feeling awkward too. I wish I felt more comfortable. I am surprised just how submissive this has made me feel.

I am defiantly having some cramps today. Scares me a bit. I just want to pretend I am not pregnant for awhile. Cramps can be normal, and I am having trouble with my band, so I am not able to eat how I would like. That could be part of the problem. I guess I will go get my band unfilled in the next few weeks, its has to be done before a certain week, but I can not remember whichweek that is.

This is defiantly surreal for me. I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, D, knew me many years at that point, I think like 4 or 5 years. He knew what to expect from me, my limitations, my values, my fun mood swings, etc. I did not know what I needed but I remember that day I found out I was pregnant, the second my husband walked out the door, he told me to get down on my hands and knees as he pulled my pants down and fucked me from behind. I was crying still. I had never stopped crying from the moment I had just told my husband I was pregnant with D's baby. So in my kitchen, pants around my ankles, ass in the air, face down on the cold kitchen floor, crying, sobbing a little allowing D to use my body, I hear him begin to cum. That scene is nice to think about, it was not fun at the moment, but looking back it was hot. D was and really still is an asshole. I think about how he did know me and the ignorant shit he said to me that day. Somedays I wish I could tell D exactly how I feel about some of his cowardly actions. Im still pissed off about that I guess.

Anyway I cant wait to fuck Jw. This is going to be one LONG FUCKING day.

A long sleepless night. I am not a naturally good sleeper. I usually take an herb or something to help me sleep, but with the pregnancy news, I cant. So I sleep a few hours at a time, restless and fragmented. My head hurts this morning, and I want to do a home pregnancy test because in the late night hours, paranoia set it.

Sounded something like this:

I cant be pregnant, too soon to show up on a test. Maybe they did the wrong urine and I am not pregnant, what if it was a faulty test. What if they waited too long and it was an inaccurate test. I have some weird abdominal feelings, cramping - I start to worry, could it be cramping, but my body feel pregnant and I already was feeling soreness in my tits, but this is too good to be true, it cant be. Why am I up peeing all night, and I drank nothing? From the hormones already?

Im scared, the first 12 weeks are so unstable in the world of pregnancy, I feel like I should have now waited to say anything to anyone, but I how could i keep that to myself for that long. I did a lot of reading online about pregnancy tests, false positive rates, and all kinds of things. The consensus was a positive is 99% of the time a real positive, but early on you might get pos and neg home test due to the fluctuation of hormones and how diluted urine is. And then the risk of early miscarriage that most people never know about because it is just like a normal period.

I actually had to look at the paperwork they gave me yesterday just to make sure that I did not imagine this. May 21 2012 is the due date. Still all a little surreal for me. I want to get excited, but trying to remain reserved, it is still so early. If I never went to that appointment I would have not know I was pregnant still for another 7 to 10 days.

That guy I met the other day, the one who was interested in monogamy, he called me to make plans for Sat evening as I am driving home from the clinic. I like him, but something was not sitting well with me about him. Probably the insistence of monogamy and his ability to cut people out of his life with little emotion. I was willing to see what was going to happen there, but it felt good to tell him "So I am pregnant, so I dont really think this is going anywhere". He was a little quiet, but it did feel good to take control of that situation.

I do have a strange feeling. I did not want to have sex with just anyone, at least not last night and not right now. It goes back to feeling owned. I want to have sex, I want to have sex bad, but I kind of just want Jw to fuck me. That felt weird even typing that. I really want his cum in me, I want him. Is it weird my mouth is like salivating as I think about him in my mouth. WoW. Desire for sex for me usually comes from a mental place. It is the ideas of Domination and submission, control, abuse, obeying, offering my body for his pleasure, that makes me crazy. It about their personality, demeanor and confidence. Maybe it was his calmness when I told him, his confidence. The fact that he took control over the situation when he ripped that condom off and came in me, still delights me. The feeling I had laying on my bed, feeling this man explode in my pussy, was fucking amazing. Him getting up with that smile and me cum filled legs spread thinking, omg! That is what makes me feel owned. He took what he wanted, and not that I wanted choices but I had no choices, I could not stop the situation from happening. Fucking Awesome.

I start my day off pretty normal. I need to get my annual GYN exam, so I go this morning to handle that. Im sitting in the waiting room and there is this girl crying, she is young, and pregnant. She is has a crazy hot body, and all I can think of it, poor thing, I knew how she felt to be so young and pregnant. Anyway I go have my check up, pee in the cup, give the blood all the fun stuff. And I start walking down the hallway. The nurse say," can you come back in the room a second" I felt strange, but I just assumed it was a private question about my health so I happily retreated back to the room and sat down as instructed. " We did a pregnancy test, just in case since you were so close to getting period, and it was positive". Well the shear panic that ensued was physically disabling, as the nurse steadied me on the table, cause I felt like I was going to fall off. I smiled, then I cried, and then all I could say was "wow" and "oh my god". She took me to her office to talk. We talked awhile and I started to get happy. Inside I want to be happy. I am utterly shocked, really shocked, I had been trying to get pregnant for a year almost, and here it was. I want to be blissfully happy, and I feel like I am almost there.

And the father is ....JW, the smooth talking man from NY , who fucked me with a condom and then just as he was ready to cum, ripped it off and jammed his bare cock in to my cunt and unloaded.

I can not even believe this right now. Still all very surreal. I needed to talk to Jw after I heard that news. I just needed to touch base with him, and be sure he was not going to freak out. I was really scared about that. Talking about breeding and really doing it are two different things, and I did not want to even smile about this news until I knew that he was not going to throw the abortion word out there. He did not. He seems very calm about it. I kept pressing "so you are ok", waiting for the fear and the oh shit factor to kick in, but it did not.

I keep laughing to myself, this is very surreal. I really was not expecting to be pregnant. I am really thrilled. And this has made me extremely horny. I feel very owned. Jw sent me a text "does this mean I own you now", was ironic, because I felt that way. I feel very owned, and i am having trouble finding the right word for it, but something like I love that this man got me pregnant so easily, he is so confident with himself, and that his seed is growing in my body. How can i not feel owned?

So there it is, almost a year exactly from my starting to the quest to get pregnant, by my then husband, then by D, and I am by Jw. Sometimes as hard as you try to force things maybe they were not meant to be ( like with the ex and D).

I have some alone time tonight, I am looking forward to it and JW will be over later. I am really looking forward to that.

So it has become clear to me that this blog has got to be exposed to whomever I "date", because it is not hard to find once you use the submissivegirl name. Part of me is like, if it has to be like that, then so it has to be. If I will never be loved for who I am, so be it. I would like not someone to come across after maybe 6 months of dating and that be a deal breaker, but I dont want to tell people from jump street either. I just dont know where to go with that.

I got my car detailed, and there was a very friendly salesman there. Young black guy, very nice, personable, told me I have a wonderful personality. I am half expecting him to as me out tomorrow morning when I go to pick up my car, but he is too young like maybe 23 or 25. I must say today I was pretty charismatic. I had many conversation with strangers today. It was a good time, I can have a good time doing anything.

T called me today, not sure why or what we were even talking about before, but he said something about feeling fucked up and I kind of snapped and told him that was good and I am glad he felt that way. I pretty much instantly felt very mean, but it did really lighten my heart to hear he had suffered just a little. That is sick. Not proud of that, but I did feel it. Before I know it - I am crying again. I need some closure with this man. I keep thinking what is wrong with me. Can I really love him this much? Even if he was ever meant to be the love of my life, he does not want me. And it does really hurt to think someone knew me so well, and then just walked away seemingly unaffected. I have decided if I still feel like this two weeks from now I am going to therapy. I really am. This is really fucked up I cant let this go.

Even when I meet other people, who I like and I am into, I have this thought of him. I need to reread those offline blog posts to remember how it was not working. I think that is important to remember that shit. I think it is important I gain some control over my emotions because this shit is spiraling out of control. Again, I never felt this sad about D, not about my marriage, nobody has just dampened my spirit like this. What made this so different that I feel like someone has destroyed my heart? My friends say it is because of the timing at the end of my marriage, and moving and all that, maybe there is something to that, but I dont know. I was always happy with him, and always wanted to be in his company. I was comfortable. He was so good at putting me at ease. Letting my mind rest, my body rest, stroking my ego, and delighting my mind with conversation and intelligence, and pleasing my body. I still think about the last time I saw him, over a month ago. Laying in my bed, after we had sex, he leans over and kisses me as I am half asleep. How I wish I would have know that would be the last time I would see him, I might have paid more attention, I might have begged him to stay the night with me. I would have savored every minute of it.

In other news, I have spent a lot of time alone this week. I feel a little better, and I feel like just maybe I will get through his with out the meds. I dont want to take them. I met someone who I really liked. I am so fucking scared. I seriously dont know if I can take more rejection. If you like me now, how much will you find out before you dont like me anymore? I just want really dont want to fuck it up, but it seems like that will be inevitable. Open relationship is not on the table with this man, Not that I think I want that. But I am very concerned about sexual needs being met. Can one person meet my needs? I felt ok with with T, but he could not meet my needs. D could not meet my needs, not that he really tried, my husband could not meet my needs. Some days I feel like I require a level of brutality that someone who loves you is not able to give you. All comes back to rape and being treated like a object, something to fuck with no regard for their feelings. If I am going to go to therapy I should cover that too.

I can hear the voice of my friend in my head now, telling me to be alone for awhile and figure things out. I have been alone for 11 years. I do not need anymore time of being alone. Seriously I am love starved and I am not doing it anymore.

Feeling a little better, got some of that out.

My memory is so shot. I missed two appointments in the last week, and I forgot to register my daughter for dance class until she says, " Hey mom, all the lights are on at the dance school" SHIT! Off we go in the rain to register her for class. During the idle chit chat with owner somehow we cover the I am recently divorced, forget how it came up, she said to me "wow you seem really put together for someone who just went through so much". Like the sound of an angel. Could she be blowing smoke up my ass, as I stand there feeling like a truck has drug me through the streets of Camden, nonetheless, I needed to hear that from a stranger. She went on a bit and I just thought I am glad at least peoples first impression of me are good ones still. My mind and heart maybe crumbling but I am still putting out the impression of a strong confident women. And maybe that strong women is not too far away, maybe I can get her back. Just maybe.

Thought about T today, something on the news made me think of him and feel sad for him. I know he is going through some rough times. My instinct is to offer my support, and I did send him a text, friendly just letting him know I was thinking of him. In my heart I wanted to beg for him to come back to me. Thank god I have some pride and it would never let me beg for any man to come back to me, but god do I think it, pray it, say it to myself, fantasize about it, somedays I live for it.

Im not feeling so bad tonight, I dont think I could work up a good cry if I tried. I had deceided to start meds tonight but I think I will rescind that decision and wait it out.

I am so EXCITED to have some free time this week, while my daughter starts school, She needs school badly, she needs to get back into routine and keep learning. Summer has been hard for us both, and her little brain is starting to get overloaded with stress. I see it and feel it for her. I just take a deep breath and try to keep it moving.

My Jamaican friend never made it over last night, I was sound asleep when he called. I barely remember talking to him, and only confirmed it by checking my call log. I think it is funny I answer the phone sound asleep and dont remember anything. Lets hope I dont say too much one night. Maybe tonight, if I stay up, I will see him.

My mom helped me get some order in my house. I have not asked my mom for much help, she has offered a lot, but i try not to ask, but today I asked. I just cant get anything done. I feel so stressed and bewildered in my home. I need to paint and get some book shevles and make it feel like my home. I am trying to be patient. TRYING.

Off to bed at 8:20.. I am the only person I know who goes to bed so early and ends up with like 5 hours sleep.

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I did not want it all day. I did not want to fuck. I wanted to go to bed early get some healing rest. But 7:40p I get hit with the I want some dick right now feeling! Some middle of the night dick, waking up to a hard dick in my mouth or my pussy. Ugh I want it. As much As I want dick, I want nothing to do with masturbation tonight, sometimes I need orgasm, but sometimes I need a fat dick and a big black man attached to it. I guess im working through this feeling tonight, cuz I got no bbc on the horizon. Wish me luck.

I had my tarot cards read last night. I sat with a man who intrigues me beyond words, and he read my cards, we talked about God and prayer and how to gain peace in my life. I came home feeling some peace, which is a huge improvement then before. I am starting to enjoy the city. Been there two nights in the last two weeks and I am enjoying the sounds of it, the feel of it. I no longer have this fear or anxiety with being in the city I like it. As I drive out of it in the middle of the night I am taken back the beauty of it all.

So in the realm of sex. I been getting some. It has not and soul gratifying as I would like. I think about T a lot when I am having sex. His image creeps into my head sometimes, I dont want it there, but there it is. I would say I feel a little numb is a fair assessment. When I am alone I can not make myself come. I just cant do it. Sex has become more hands off, because I just can not protect my heart enough. I cry everyday of my life. Everyday. Tears flow so easily, and sadness wells up from my chest, there is not stopping it.

I still have a fantasy that till will find his way back to me. I have all kinds of crazy ideas on that. Would I even want someone to love after all of this. Why cant love fix all of this? Isnt love powerful enough to fix everything? As the man last night pointed out, I must love myself first. It is difficult to love myself. I am not happy with so much of who I am. Sometimes I am mean to people with words, I dont want to hurt them but I do. I am a slave to the urges of my body. Urge to fuck, urge to sleep, urge to eat. I have little if no self control. Hard to love that when I see all of the dark side.

Spent the day with my mom, we talked about t, d, and my ex husband. How men seem to hurt me over and over again. As I was talking to her it did occur to me I might be glossing over some the mistakes I have made. Let's face it I do gloss over those mistakes a lot.

Whew, I made it through the week, but that shit was not easy. Thought about T today, still surprised by his behavior and my ability to still be surprised by someone treating me poorly. I saw young boy this morning. I had to get up early to do it, and the whole time in my head I am thinking this is so crazy, but I love morning sex. There is nothing better than starting your day off feeling that blissful orgasmic glow.

When I get there, he left the door open for me. I never have much time, so I walk right in down the hallway and starting stripping the second I get in the house, by the time I get to his room he is naked on the bed, and I am pulling my pants down. I know what to do next, he wants my mouth on his dick, and I was happy to put it there. He is feeling out some Dom/sub stuff. He has some interest in that. I likes sliding his dick down my throat, and I was laying on my back on the bed, with my head hanging off the side, when he straddled me and slide his dick down my throat. Im getting better at it. There is a a video on us and we are watching it on the big screen as he is doing it. I think that turns us both on. The one day I needed to be on time for work, and will not come. He just would not come. The fucking was good, i do like some of the freaky things he does, and the roughness. I have had a bruise of his hand print on both of my arms since our last encounter. I like to look at marks left on my body. I will be at work and glance down and see his finger prints left in bruises and I smile and the feeling of the powerlessness comes back to me. I love it. I will have to save all the details for the video, if I ever get the nerve to post those again.

As I write this I think about T, just thinking about if he were ever to love me again, would the words I write now ruin that. Weak-mindedness I know. I need to try and remember that, it hurts to love someone so hard, and have them just tell you that they dont want to be with you because of who you are.

Do people forget I am a person? I like to fuck, we all do, and I like to experiment, and have fun, we all do. I have feelings and I have a need for respect and love and I deserve not to be treated like a disposable human being. I hear it is hard to love a "woman like you". A woman like me... would you rather love a woman to lies about her feelings, hides her desires, stays silent about her needs, a women who is ashamed of sex and scared of her sexual fantasies. I am a good person, who is honest about sex. People need to relax a little about sex. It just a little fun with our bodies.

Tonight I am a little on the angry side. I little frustrated and tired of people. I feel like hanging out alone in my house with no distractions.

Missing D some, maybe I am just missing someone to love.