So my new life means I have to do everything, even the Halloween shit. I hate Halloween and I have always pushed that shit off on my ex along with trash and bug killing. Those are about the ONLY things he did. But to my surprise it was not as horrible as I had imagined. This is the first time I have lived in a neighborhood during Halloween and it is a whole new world. I was proud of myself for putting a smile on my face and having a good time with my daughter, and meeting some of the people I near. This is an accomplishment for me. When I was younger my mother always said she could see me living in Alaska, alone for months at a time. Now I would not go that far, but I dont really need people all the time. I do need relationships and I do need love. The moral is I did, I had fun, and I did not feel lonely for sad for my married years. Yah me!

My ex really is pushing my buttons. I needed him to sign some papers for the transfer of his money into my account, I guess anyone would be mad, but he acted like I was a piece of shit stealing from him. And while this man has been crying the blues about him not having any money, he spends money to be on match.com and consequently tried to pick up my girlfriend. This man is retarded, does he think I do not tell my friends about all his bullshit? And that is just inappropriate. I have a feeling that my ability to continue to be friendly and giving in this post divorce relationship is coming to a very abrupt end. He knows me, he knows how I am, why he would fuck with me is a little strange. I dont play, particularly when it comes to my daughter. I am interested to see where this leads us.

In pregnancy news, I did not pass out asleep at 8 last night, I was up til 11. And was not exhausted beyond words tonight. I hope the worst of that is behind me now. So I went from gaining 9lbs to dropping 2lbs til this morning being up 12 lbs since I got pregnant. But I can wear my jeans today. I want to let go of some of the issues I have with not having control over much of this, but it does still make me feel a little frustrated for lack of a better term. I can feel this baby move sometimes. Not kick just moving. It makes me happy. I still having trouble wrapping my head around the idea and try to imagine how this all will work.

I keep waiting to see my video up on the slut blog. I check all the time. I am nervous to see what it looks like, and excited at the same time to see Jw fucking me up on the site. I do love porn and I do love people watching me fuck. There is not getting around that! I need to own that shit.

This blog makes me feel so peaceful sometimes. It has turned into and incredible outlet for my spirit, for me to reflect on my darkest moments. Going to bed feeling very peaceful and content tonight, and very grateful for my daughter and for the new baby. Life is Good!

I heard from Jw. All is good. Ridiculous I know.

After I posted this morning, I was vacuuming and cleaning while the Jamaican slept. About 11, a knock at the door, my ex was dropping off my daughter. No call to see what I am doing, despite me asking him repeatedly to do so. So the Jamaican is standing in my kitchen, with his coat on ready to go, and my ex sees him and says nothing, but get in the car and sends me some bullshit texts. My prayer today - just make him go away, please just make him go away (the ex).

We sat in the kitchen talking, while I made my daughters lunch and i started to drift off . I was exhausted, so the Jamaican cleaned all the toys and shit off my couch and tucked me in on the couch. He rubbed my feet a few minutes, gave me a hug and left. I was so grateful for his kindness. I did need a little bit of that, sometimes I just want someone to take care of me. This is why he is my friend, he gives loves freely, never ashamed or shy about helping me or taking care of something. I had to apologize this morning for being so nasty to him last night.

I finally get a hold of Jw on the yahoo messenger, he said he never got my text which makes me feel better, laying on the couch, i start to cry. I feel so relieved. I can breathe and think again. I do wish he would have said some more shit to console me, but I dont think he understood just how distraught I was, I dont think he had read the blog at that point. That is a pregnancy side affect, I need SOOO MUCH REASSURANCE! I need to hear that it will be ok. I ask my mom to tell me that probably 3x a week.

I have been crying for the last week. Just feeling extra hormonal, I am 12 weeks pregnant and next week is the beginning of the 2nd trimester. So this is really real! I am really carrying a baby in there, and I really dont know whose it is. I said something in reference to taking a vacation to Canada this morning, and I said maybe when the kids are a little older. Kids - I am going to have kids!

I have managed to work myself up into a full fledge panic over here regarding Jw. Why is he not responding to my messages? This is what scared me all along. What if one day he just looses interest. Has he lost interest? If he did what about the baby? or What if something horrible happened to him... how would I even know if he was hurt? I can not relax about this shit. I really cant. I went to bed thinking about him, I woke up thinking about him. Maybe his phone is broke, but his yahoo messenger too? I can not take it. I keep trying to tell myself that he is not real prompt with returning texts, sometimes he is not. If he is with his girlfriend then he wont respond, but he has not had five minutes alone in 2 days? How about the text from Tuesday I never heard back from? He cant be mad at me, I really did not do anything for him to be mad about. He was not too mad to come down and see me. I know what this sounds like, a crazy woman. I just need to know everything is ok. That has been important to me in this pregnancy to hear him say he is ok with everything, it is fine, etc... Now where did he go? I dont need much just a text, tell me it will be ok, that you are ok, and that you are not made at me. Just sadness.

The Jamaican came over last night. I did want some company, I was lonely. I was very stressed. I told him I was going to bed early, we fucked real quick and I went to sleep. But dammit if he wont shut his mouth. He woke me up, though he did not know I was already sleeping, and I flipped out on him. Like starting screaming at him about something, maybe just because he woke me up. I was mad, got out of bed and went to the bathroom. I think he was surprised by that, he apologized when i came out of the bathroom, I ignored him and went to bed. I was really stressing about Jw, I did not want to hear his bullshit, I wanted to sleep. The company turned out to be a lesson in frustration for me, I cant find peace right now. I know that is crazy. So much riding on all of this. What if Jw wont do the DNA test? Why wont he just return my text? I am sure the Jamaican has had enough of me, I have been a BITCH. I hate this heighten level of stress.

In case you might be worried, I am feeling a better than I was. Usually I have some good days following the bad. I feel good this morning, down 2lbs, my pants will button but too tight too wear, I think my hair is looking kind of good today - it does help when I take the time to do it, and my eyes just looking a little less dark and slightly refreshed.

So in a moment of weakness I did text Jw, like 6 am, by that time I had already been awake for an hour and have been wondering about if he was mad at me or not. It is not like he did not have a good reason to be mad, the whole young boy incident made me mad too. Maybe he just lost interest, we had been seeing a lot of each other lately. Or maybe he just has been busy. I tend to do this kind of crap to myself all the time. I am sure it sound familiar and if we just glance back at other posts we will see how this all plays out. I am exhausted with myself.

I would love to be laying in bed with Jw today. A good day to sleep and fuck and sleep some more.

I heading out today for some alone time, to run some errands, and then maybe a nap. I want to fuck today but not sure how that will pan out. I am missing some of the people I have not been talking to. L, and the spiritual man from philly, the Dom, and others. I am starting to miss their interaction but I still dont have the energy for it.

So not long now until I can get this DNA test done. This morning when I woke up at 5am, I just had this thought, like of course this is Jw's baby. It just seems the most logical. Damm that little bit of doubt though. So made at myself for that shit that took place that week, but It really was not totally my fault. Young Boy held me down and refused to wear a condom, not that I was not into the rape scene I was, but if the mother fucker just could have worn a condom like we always did. And the Jamicain, if I could have only paid more attention to his condom putting on skills...

I needed to take the day off from work today, my daughter is not feeling great, and I am needing some time at home too. I have to say I am feeling myself starting to self sensor my thoughts about Jw and what pops into my mind. I dont know why really but I felt like maybe I needed to call myself out a bit on that to help me get my courage up.

Anyhow waking up this morning feeling very sad. It is hard to know what part of this is pregnancy and what part are just real feelings and grieving for some ideals in my life I just will never meet. Just like I was feeling in the very first few days after I found out I was pregnany and I was feeling very alone like I would never find a man to love me in my life, this is how I feel now. Sometimes I try to give myself a pep talk about how knew this all is to me. I have never lived alone, I have never not been in a relationship. I have never ever been this alone, and maybe I need to give myself time to get used to being alone and learn to enjoy it. Although part of me misses the family aspect. I am beyond sad about the thought the delivery and thinking about what that will be like. 7am is too early to cry!

At work yesterday they were all teasing me about how crazy I was the first time I was pregant. Most of them have known me for awhile, and remember just how difficult pregnancy was on me. Luckily this time it has been much easier thus far.

Feeling really angry with D today too. I am sickened that he has not called me, like does he realize that his daughter asks about him? A 9 year relaztionship and you just dont call me? WTF. I see on Facebook his wife moved with him to where he has been living... which makes me think... is he trying to work things out with her? And if he is I feel a little angry about that. I dont want to, and I feel petty, and we all deserve happiness, but fuck him. I am here raising his daughter and he pretends she does not exist. You dont get the right to live happily ever after. Whew that was not a proud thought, I do not tolerate being ignored well. If he said to me I am going to work on my relationship with my wife, I would have been ok with that. You need to talk to me, not ignore me. I hope I dont have to take the trip to his house soon to give him a reality check. Now I know that is hormonal but that is how I feel today.

I think anything would hurt my feelings today. Jw did not text me all week. It is fucking with my head a bit. I dont know if he usually text me or not. I feel like we have a little more contact during the week maybe. I guess it makes me nervous, like he does not want to see me anymore. And I try to take a deep breath and remember that I am not usually this pathetic, and try to muster up some self confidence. I dont if it will happen. I think it just scares me as I close my circle and as i have minimized my contact with anyone else. I just dont want my feelings hurt anymore. I dont know how much more I can take. I have such a pattern of setting myself up to get hurt, I dont know when I will learn to address my feelings better.

Ok so there is my sad story for the morning, an overwhelming sense that I will be eternally empty and unloved. Going to try to perk my day up some how with something. It can really only go up from this point.

Got some help painting again from my Jamaican friend. He wanted to fuck, but I was not there. I was not in the mood at all. Not at all. He was leaving and gave me a hug from behind and his hard dick pressed against my ass as he made a grinding motion and grabbed my tits, that we all over the place as my bra came off a few hours ago. I just could not get there. I just want to go to sleep, get cozy in my bed, and rest my mind and rest my body.

Earlier in the day I was feeling a little bit sexy, like I might need something but maybe he was not it.

I got on the highway go to work and decided I needed to go back and get on a different pair of pants on, because I just cant wear my pants anymore. They are just too tight in the belly and it frustrates the hell out of me. I hate not having control over my body, I got on the scale today I have gained 8.6 lbs since I got pregnant. Very frustrating to see the scaling going up and really have not control over it. I do try to incorporate more walking and swimming into my days, and eat fruits and veggies, but I am starving some days. Starving! So by the time I got to work and sat in the office with my coworkers, who are very good friends, I had a break down and began to cry. I sobbed for a few minutes and began to pull myself together, but it made me sad that my body is already changing, that I am all alone, that I will not have anyone to share this with. Some low points this week, just feeling really overwhelmed and really alone. Very very alone. I am sure it will pass but just sucks to feel so sad, when having a baby should be very happy.

I am just getting ready to go to bed, i dont have much left to give tonight.

Oh one other thought, that retard young boy sent me a text - to which I did not respond

" I want this DNA thing done by Monday" He must think I am as stupid as him, he does not tell me what to do, and if he listened to me he would know I cant do it until I am 13 weeks.

My prayers at night go something like "please dont let this baby young boys, I will never have unprotected sex again, just please dont let this baby be his"

So my computer is back. The Jamicain finally arrived to start painting my house and I had to unplug my computer and did not have the energy last night to hook it back up. But how I wanted to blog! The thoughts just dont leave me until I get them out.

So Jw came Monday, he came later then I would have hoped, but I was beyond exstatic he came because I needed dick something fierce. I knew I would be sleeping by the time he arrived so I left a key out for him and I went to bed. As I lay there getting ready to sleep I was anticipating how he would wake me up, I was thinking about it. I have this fantasy of being woken up with some dick entering my body. I have imagine it everyway possible. I sleep on my stomach a lot with one leg bent up toward my chest - very nice position for this, or maybe on my side, or even maybe a quick grab my legs and spread them and jam the dick in there in like 10 seconds flat, all before I know what is happening! I get jealous when I hear people talking about their husbands waking them up for sex. I would LOVE to be woken up for sex, that is like the greatest thing ever, what are these women complaining about?

So when he walks into my bedroom, I get a little startled, but close my eyes and continue to sleep lightly, kind of aware of what was happening. He got in the shower first which made me think, as I am half asleep to tired to full wake up, did he fuck his girlfriend before he came here? Not that I think that matters to me, but it just made me think.

So lets understand when he gets there it had been like 8 days since I had some dick (not counting the "incident" with young boy) so I was ravenous for it, and I did not care how I got it. So when he was infront of me with his hard black dick, I just felt joyous. Almost instantly though I was reminded he was not thrilled with me. I dont remember how he woke me up or if I was kind of awake I remember sucking his dick, that was still wet from the shower and him pinching my nipples a lot, and me feeling frustrated. Before long his dick was in me and the joy returned. I just cant tell you how my body needs that, and most importantly needs a dick that fills me. Honestly I dont hear shit he says to me as I was concentrating on how good that shit felt in my cunt, but I think he might have slapped me or my tits or something that caught my attention, and he said something to the affect of how irritated he was about the young boy incident. Like someone just popped my balloon, he deflated my spirit a little bit. It made me feel shamed, which I am sure was his intention, but I honestly forgot about that whole thing, but I felt bad and felt my self turning my head away from him to avoid eye contact. At one point he was looking at my body, looking for the bruise young boy left, that part I liked. I liked that inspection aspect of it, much like the allowing people into my personal space makes me feel something I cant articulate but something I love.

As we continue to fuck, I return to the state of pure blissful orgasmic peace. I feel pussy wants to squirt, like I need to, but that cant happen with his dick in there, I think about asking him to pull it out for a second, but it feels too good, I say nothing and enjoy it. Of course since I have become pregnant there is no other way for me to get this intense relaxation, I dont get deep sleep, or any kind of other induced state of relaxation from any other form, so I need this kind of sex. I must have it.

Long story short, he came in me, as I smile and lay in my bed filled with his come and try to go back to sleep. He comes close to me, and we sleep close and touching each other, it is hard for me to go to sleep, as I keep thinking this feels so good and I revel in it. And then like every half hour I got to re adjust, or pee, or something that disturbs the closeness. I dont know what time he left, but it did not seem like he stayed very long to me. I was sad when he left, he just kinda got up and got dressed and walked out. I dont know what I wanted but it made me sad, maybe I just was not ready for him to leave. I was kind of hoping for some morning sex.

So with the thought that he drove down here to fuck me, sleep a bit and leave, I thought that was really nice. I was really appreciated he drove so far to see me for such a short time. I dont think he does it becuase he needs sex, he has a girl at home, for whatever reason he came I was grateful.

I think it is ironic how my feelings have changed so much for Jw in the past year. I remember saying how he was too back and forth and did not seem to know what he wanted. And now I dont see that as much, maybe I dont want to or mabye he changed or maybe I just know him better now.

My computer is down tonight, can't wait to get it hooked back up so I can tell about Jw waking me up to fuck me last night.

My ex just dropped my daughter off. He left a could of negativity in my house and I am about to burn some sage and pray that shit right out of my house. I asked him to switch desks with me, he had no problem with that but I have asked him like 8 times to do it and he always procrastinates. Tonight he brought the one I wanted and took the one I did not, which was very nice, but he looks crazy again. Which upsets me. He needs some help, he needs some medication, but he will not take it. I have already since our divorce taken care of some of his meds for him, called his doctor, changed his pharmacy for him, all in hopes that he will get some help. I say to him " i want you to be happy, you need some meds that will help correct that way you are thinking" he says he has been on meds for about a week but I try to explain to him he is only on one short acting anti anxiety pill nothing to correct the problematic thinking. I dont know how to make him get help short of having him screened at a hospital and hospitalized involuntarily, at this point I think I could make that happen. It is the saddest thing in the world to look at this man struggling so hard to find some peace in his heart. I cant shake the feeling I get when I see him so low. Really devastating. He talks about how he has no money now and that shit hurts me a lot too, but then I am like is he just trying to manipulate me? Hard to tell. My instinct tells me no, but my instinct does not always lead me where it should. I dont want him with my daughter if he is going to be that miserable, she already senses there is something wrong with him.

However, I need some dick so fucking bad. Jw is coming later tonight and he will take care of my urges, but good god this shit has snuck up on me with vengeance. T called me last night, and I found myself being all pissy, and excused myself from the conversation, and when I ask myself what is wrong, I am like it is the dick, I need it. It has been along dick less week. There was the day with young boy but that was more frustrating than anything else. So I am really looking forward to Jw on top of me for awhile tonight.

At work today I had a v-neck tshirt on and as I walked into the kitchen my supervisors, was staring at my chest she says " i was not checking out your boobs just that bruise on your chest". So then everyone had to look at it, and ask questions. I had a sweatshirt on most of the day so no one saw it but in a moment i forgot and took it off. That pissed me off all over again. I will NEVER fuck him again! I dont think I have ever been so angry at someone I had this type of relationship with.

A very low key weekend. I spent my day Saturday, shopping, something I loathe, but since many of my pants are not working for me I have to look for something else, and I am still trying to pull this fucking house together. So spent the day at the home stores and clothing stores and then we hit the pool, me and my baby girl. I look down at my chest as I pull on my bathing suit shaking my head at the very visible bruise from young boy. I get irritated with him all over again. He also beginning to text me again that day asking me all kinds of questions. I completely ignore him this time. If only you can here my prayers to God on that one, never have I been so scared in my life, that I will forever be bound with this piece of shit.

I woke up this morning made myself cum with my magic wand and homemade porn, made breakfast and went right back to sleep. My mom came over to visit and give me a pep talk, and I went back out to find some clothes. She took my daughter so I had some alone time. I liked it on the drive there, but then I was like this is not as fun as it seems. I am not accustomed to being alone yet, it just does not feel right. It made me think of T, I am thinking, what does he like so much about this? I remember that so intensely how he liked to be alone, makes me wonder about my own feelings about being alone. I used to like it, when I was younger, before I had my daughter, but now it feels like I am missing something.

So D. My daughter still talking about him, I still feel like telling him he is a piece of shit. I feel like telling him all kinds of mean hurtful things, but a the end of the day, nothing could make a person feel worse than that realization of their mistakes. In time he will see how he could have been a better man, his own destiny will unfold to prove that to him, I do not need to yell it at him.

Jw was going to come down tonight, but we decided on tomorrow. He is nicer to me then I think I am used to. He asked me what I wanted, and I was a little unsure about that. I certainly was not hating having input, but it is a little bizarre. I just do whatever everyone else wants, regardless of my own feelings or difficultly carrying out the desire.

To be fair I am not used to anyone being nice to me. The Jamaican called me this morning just to check on me, see how I was. I almost dont even know what to do with that. When I answered the phone I assumed it was because he needed or wanted something. It made me feel good.

All that is starting to make me think to hard on everything in my life. As I am in the car today during my alone time, i begin to think about the fact I will be a mother with 2 children with 2 different fathers. Not how I ever saw myself, and something that kinda gets to me.

With the pregnancy, I am in the 11 week, almost out of the first trimester. I hope some of the chills and nausea and endless fatigue go away soon. I am a little overwhelmed, as I know by feb I will be back to a big pregnant blob with no energy, and I need to get a lot of shit in order in my home. I due in May but I need to be prepared early, I went 5 weeks early last time, so as I get closer I will most likely be doing a lot of resting to prevent early labor. By April 1 I need to have everything taken care of, and considering it is almost Nov and I have not unpacked all my boxes from the move, that worries me. My mom asked me to write her a list of stuff her and my dad can help me with... I am on it. I will take any help I can get.

I am going to bed, hope tomorrow I will have some hot blog post about Jw fucking me! I need it!

• I am totally frustrated this evening so bare with me. I have had a slew of interesting conversations tonight, None of which I was prepared for! I just wanted to come home and relax on a friday night, enjoy my daughter, play memory with her, watch some tv and chill.

First I get a text from my ex, about him having some issues with me being pregnant. I roll my eyes and tell him I will call him later, but he prefers to text. Of course he does because he cant do conversation with me. He hates that he can not get a reaction out of me. Anyhow part of our custody agreement is that we both have the right to meet anyone that will be spending anytime in our home if our daughter is there. He is invoking his right on this, as he feels like he will need to meet that babies father. I felt like saying sure, as soon as I figure out who that is you can meet him. The whole hour long conversation was pretty much him puffing up his chest trying to feel like he still has some say in my life, and like he needs to monitor my behavior. I played the game with him. I got no interest in arguing with him, I guess he need ego stroking.

Then I am talking to my mom about the simple ass conversation with the ex, and she tells me that she told my dad and my brother that I was pregnant. And that my brother said some very mean and hurtful things about me. One being that I am a drug addict, which could not be further from the truth. I have done any drugs but smoked weed a few times. I dont even drink. And he went on to say I was a bad mother and many other devastating things. This from a man who left his son in Maine and lives in Hawaii and takes care of another mans kids while his own does not even know him.

Then Young Boy. Seriously He was flipping out about the possibility he maybe the father. Since about 530 I have been getting texts from him that are borderline threatening and just plain mean. I know he is upset, I am too, even the thought that i would have to tell anyone he may be the babys father is embarrassing to me. Like 3 full hours of harassment and verbal abuse and vague threats, wishing that I have a miscarriage, just very mean spirited things. Karma Baby, Karma, you dont say things like that to people.

I am a bit weary from it all. That was my whole evening, beside some book reading and game playing with my daughter, and dance class, the rest was a slew of verbal abuse.

I find myself saying to young boy as he begins to calm down that I am not a vengeful person. I dont try to hurt people ever, why is the name of God have these people felt so strong to throw all this shit on me. Am I that offensive? Why attack my mothering? I know with ever bit of my soul I am a great mother. I am raising a good person, who will be loving and responsible, and bring kindness into this world. I folllow my heart, love who I want to love, and I do what I want to do. Why is that so upsetting to people? I will never understand that. Do I threaten their sense of self. I am happy here raising my daughter, loving my family, having relationships, meeting people, discovering who I am and figuring out my spiritual path. Why do people need to piss on my parade. I am still peaceful tonight and content, their negativity almost cemented my peaceful feeling. I little is awe though. I am so loving toward people, why be so mean to me?

I have a bruise on my chest, not my tits my chest where young boy was holding me down the other day. That shit pissed me off, and made me feel a little bit validated like I did try, I did not want that to happen. I beginning to doubt myself sometimes, because I know I love dick, but i did not want that shit. I fought with him, I tried, when he said do it or leave I tried to leave. Just mad about that, maybe he was mad at me that day and that is why he did that, to make a point, or to get some frustration out... I dont know but still have a bad taste in my mouth about that shit.

In other news, I have really cut so many relationships out in my life. Even if they are just talking or texting or anything. I just cant do it right now. I just cant give energy to anything extra. Self preservation, some people dont get that. Despite that fact that I love wholly and deeply and forever, some people feel with out regular validation they might now mean anything to me anymore. That is not true at all. I just need to preserve every ounce of energy and free time to for the basics for my survival. And this blog is one of those things.

I am going to bed in hopes of feeling more a loved tomorrow. Tonight was really bad, it hurt my feelings a lot, I might need a cry later about that.

ok so I am taking the time to watch the video of Jw and me. My first thought is , is that really me? There is such a huge disconnect fro what I look like and what I think I look like, it is crazy. My second thought it that i am really attracted to Jw, and I really love how he does what he wants when we are fucking. But as I keep looking I am so dam unhappy with my body. At some point I got to disconnect right... what is the alternative? No sex? That is not going to happen. It has been awhile since I have watched some of my own porn on the big screen of my computer... Mind blowing. I am just disgusted with my body, and not really sure why Jw wants to fuck me. Oh not a good self esteem night.

The other day when Jw was here, I could not show him the pics of myself, I truly have trouble looking at that stuff in front of him. I am not sure if embarrassment is the problem or maybe more shame.

I still feeling like a piece of shit about the incident with Young Boy, and I know Jw is not happy with me. I am still hornier than ever and woke up this morning to try and make myself cum with the magic wand. I was having trouble, I turned my phone on to watch Jw fucking me, and was able to cum one time before I had to get up to go to work.

Tonight I am afraid the desire to fuck was very intense, and I feel like it is becoming more more difficult to manage. I opted to take a long walk with my daughter tonight, and by the time I did that and all the bullshit of the evening, I was beat, and I am ready for bed. I really want to fuck Jw, I was even trying to think in my head if there was anyway I could drive up to meet him tonight, I wanted him. Not only did I want the dick and that relaxation, I want the reassurance, that even though he is mad at me he still wants to see me. I hate that feeling of dissappointing someone.

Still watching this video, this shit is crazy, and it totally fucking with my head watching, I cant even get my thoughts out.

In other news, my ex husband been a bit of a prick to me, I am pretty sure that is pregnancy related. I am sure he is feeling some neg feelings about it. And I am feeling a little impatient with him as well this week. I am most certinatly not as tired as I have been but I am still more tired and need more sleep than I usually do. My breast are not as sore as the last month or so but still hurt to touch them. The clothing situation is driving me a little crazy, I need new bras to accommodate my fuller breast and before long my jeans, which coincidentally I was able to fit back into the 22 a few days after that post, will need to be replaced. I hate shopping for clothes.

Going to get me some sleep, I need to regroup.

I woke up this morning, my first instinct was to reach for the magic wand. I went to bed a little hungry for dick and woke up starving. There is only one person I know who can fuck me at 7am, so I called him, Young Boy. I have not seen young boy since I told him I was pregnant and I was kind of missing him. I do like the way he fucks me - usually.

So we agree to met at 730, I need to hurry, but I make it there. He is on the phone with his girlfriend or someone he is dating as I am setting up a camera and undressed. It was weird. I had talked to him about condom usage before I left my house. He always has condoms next to his bed, and I really did not think this would be an issue.

I suck his dick, and I am have considerable trouble not gaging on him, and cant really do it well because I am truly concerned I will vomit on him. I tell him to just fuck me. And as I stand up to take my panties off he kind of comes behind me, I know he does not have a condom on, and I try to get over to the drawer to get one. He persists, and apparently he shut off my other camera, maybe he did not know I had the phone camera on, but he continued. I continued to fight with him, as I was not really into fucking him raw. At one point he said do it his way or leave, and I was ready to leave, almost immediately he has me on the floor my head resting on the bed while he fucks my mouth. I was pissed and I needed to get up and leave, as I got up he bent me over and I lunged for the drawer with the condoms, as I got the condom out of the drawer, he held me down and came in my pussy. I was pissed! I threw the condom at him and called him an asshole. I was beyond pissed and disgusted. And I dont even think he got one full thrust in my pussy, so I got ZERO gratification out of that. ZERO! So that shit is a wrap - there is no reason I ever need to leave a sexual encounter with out feeling satisfied, and if I do they we were are not meant to fuck together. Secondly, he seems to have zero respect for what I say, as I know he is experiment with D/s relationships, and that is cool, Im down with that but you dont fucking act stupid. There is a line - that he crossed. If for some unfortunate turn of events this baby is his, I dont even think i would tell him, that is what I was feeling today. I am pretty sure I would rather be on welfare and begging for help with my child, then have that retard in my life at all. Could he have always been so offensive or am I just extra low on patience?

I have some video of that shit,but I am too frustrated to bother with all that tonight. Tried to upload and true technological fashion nothing works as it should. I leave the upload at the bottom here and see if it posts correctly - you never know.

Now I of course told Jw I was going to see young boy this morning, and we had talked about condom use and all that before. So when he asked me about what happened I felt a little bad. Then as we began a text conversation i felt worse. I felt like a whore, and he said " i did not think you would take risks when you are pregnant" that stung a bit. I felt bad about even going over there, even calling him, for even needing dick like I did this morning and still do. It is like when you disappoint your Dom there is no lower feeling. I pretty much just feel like a piece of shit about that.

Now tonight I could use some serious pounding, but I am just going to take my pregnant self to bed and try to get some sleep. Sometimes it is just easier to be frustrated than deal with drama, but I dont know who long I can go with out. I need to feel some dick. I guess the low sex drive is over and no comes me working intensely on impulse control.

So with the pregnancy, I have this ultra sound photo sitting on my dress for about 4 weeks now, I dont touch it, it is like it is looking at me, and each time I walk in and out of my bedroom I see it, but I dont know what to do with it. I still look at it and shake my head like - I am really pregnant? WTF? I woke up this morning, I could feel my body has changed. Oh yes the uterus is growing and moving and making me feel a little more real like there really is a baby growing in my body. To be honest the last time I was pregnant the shock factor did not wear off till my baby was about 3 months old. Again, this is just not a move I would make, it is not like me to not have things under control and planned out.

So if this video does somehow by the grace of god load like it should, then dont be fool by my occasional laugh after he tell me he came. I laugh at everything. I was laughing when they told me I was pregnant, I laugh when I get bad news a lot. It is some kind of bizarre coping skill, helps me from not freaking out immediately. When I throw the condom at his face and call him a piece of shit, I pretty much his as angry as I was going to get there with him. There is one thing I never forget. Men are stronger than women. At the end of the day, men can easily hurt women, and I never want to get into any kind of situation like that, particularly while I am pregnant. I would have liked to have gotten up and punch him, but even that would never do, I dont like to hurt people, the flesh hitting flesh upsets me. I can bear the thought of willingly and knowingly hurt someone. This is a major component of why I eventually had to leave martial arts, they just expect you to hit people. I cant do it. Anyhow, there would have been no benefit for me freaking out on him, I would have ended up causing myself more stress. Fuck him, he will get the message next time he needs a morning quickie!

Going to bed now, been a long fucking day! I can not wait to go away next month, I really need some time away from my life. REALLY NEED IT! I just want to check out.

My divorce is finally, I can now resume use of my maiden name, and I am no longer legally married. I started to cry just a little bit in the court room. It was overwhelming to hear my ex husband say to the judge there is no reasonable chance of reconciliation. I know these words were the legalese needed to finalize the divorce, and as I said them, my heart broke a little. I really loved that man for so long, and I clearly still do. We did so much to build our life together, to share or dreams and hopes and our fears. We were partners in life for so long, I just can not imagine it is over. I feel like I have lost my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. As difficult as marriage had been, I was sad today to watch it all end. I was sad to look over and see a man who I would have given everything I had to just 1 year ago, and not recognize him anymore. Life is change and change will always occur wether I am on board with it or not. Today I thought of God, and thought maybe this is my fate or my destiny, and maybe my ex will find some peace in his journey now. Im still grieving. It was hard to watch all the other cases too. To see people who were once in love sit before the court and ask to have their marriage dissolved. Heartbreaking beyond words. I could have hugged everyone of those people as their sad faces sauntered up to the judge. Divorce is traumatic even when it goes smoothly.

The details of this are more than I care to share, but my ex husband and his innate ability to read my emotions and behaviors, asked me today as we were leaving court "when is the due date", I hesitate to answer, thinking about lying for a second, and then tell him, May 19, he says congrats and ask me if it is D's, I say no and that is it. It felt kinda of good to get it off my chest, but also surreal, and very final in ending that relationship as I know it.

Having said all of that, I must also say, my heart feels lighter. It feels freer and unlimited, it feels able to follow its desire and achieve what it wants, it feels unjudged and proud of it ability to remain intact. My spirit is renewed and my resolve refreshed. Im trying to keep my eye on the prize and get my life looking the way I want it to. It is getting there, one step at a time.

After getting really frustrated by my computer, I have decided to come back and try it again. A warning the Iphone update has been a huge pain in the ass, so dont do it until you are sure!

After he fucked me the second time. I remember turning over to go to sleep, and the next part I do not recall if it is real or if it is a dream. That is crazy to me, but I cant really tell. So this is what I remember, as I roll over to sleep him coming closer to my body, right behind me, almost holding me, and an audible sigh in delight escapes out of my mouth. I very quickly drift into sleep, thinking about how good it feels to have this man so close to me. And as I wake up this morning and it felt real, I can not remember it being real or just wishful thinking, was I thinking about how much I wanted him to hold me that I dreamed it?

Last night while we were fucking he kissed me, not like the loving type of kissing but the kind you do when you are fucking. i hate that my brain is always on and I can not take a minute to enjoy it, but instead I am thinking about while it is happening. I think it is funny to me all the crazy shit that goes through my mind while I am fucking.

I remember waking up while he was leaving as he was fumbling with his car alarm. He made me laugh, I walk downstairs with him, and we say good bye.

I feel like I am beginning to really like Jw, not just like to fuck him, but like him. I got to get a leash on those feelings, I am not try to like anyone at all right now, too much stress in liking someone, but he really made me feel good last night, he made my body, my mind, feel good, he quenched my thirst for abuse, and either invoke a very affectionate dream, or made me feel good by just touching me.

This has been one of the longest days of my life. I have been thinking all day about my time with Jw last night, my life, my career, everything. I desperately needed to empty my mind all day, and i am so grateful I finally be in my home and sitting with one of my favorite things... my blog.

I did video tape Jw and my time together last night. I think I am going to save that for the slut blog, and try to get that uploaded asap. So I will save all the details for that.

A few things that seems to be pressing my mind this evening:

- I was so not in the mood for Jw to come over by the time 8pm rolled around. I was so nauseous, trying to decided if I would be able to suck his dick with out vomiting on him, I was feeling really unattractive, and really just wanted to sleep. When he did not arrive until 820 I text in secret hopes he had fallen asleep and was not coming. I did not think I could do it, and again when someone has to drive so far to see me I feel like I should be at my best. I am starting to realize that is fleeting. My best - is a something that does not exist at present.

It was not long before I was glad he came. When he came in I could smell he was smoking something and I could smell his gum. Smells create intense memory markers for me, I swear whenever I smell someone with that gum he has been chewing I will forever think of Jw. Just like Heineken and Newport's remind of D, and Downy to this day reminds me of my boyfriend from high-school.

He came in and as we were in my room, i was nervous as usual. Feeling a little awkward, and a little unsure where things will go, because he surprises me a lot. Again saving the details for the video so you can get the full experience.

When we were done fucking, we laid in bed and we were talking casually for awhile. I felt pretty comfortable and it seems like a lot of my self inflicted anxiety had diminished significantly. I just enjoyed spending some time with him, getting to know him, and I felt relaxed for once. I was oddly energetic, and enjoyed this kind of relaxed conversation. I began to drift asleep, and I say to him, "make sure you fuck me again before you leave", and before you know it he is inside of me again. The second time always has a different feeling for me and feels like him too. he seems to like the added wetness and I love it too, but each time he cums for the 2nd time it is way more intense than the first. Way more, he seems to pull me in closer, which I revel in, and holds me tighter, like i could not move if I wanted to, you feel the orgasam welling up in his body and all his muscles tighten like a fist clenching me while he unloads in my pussy. This act of someone filling your body with their cum fills me with the most intense feeling of being owned. I love it.

Just lost about 30 minutes of blog material...Im done for tonight... must not have been meant to be heard.

Girls Night was fun. I had a great time, I ended up being an hour late and actually thought about driving home to change my pants. My pants are just tight now. Now this is the part the really gets me. I have a few sizes of pants. I got the 18/20 which are all almost a few years old, they are my faves. They are what I was wearing in aug. I was feeling very good in them. Then the 22. Now I dont love the 22 but I have kept because You never know. I have been wearing these since September, not because the baby has grown, but the hormones make everything puffy and bloated. I have gained 6lbs in the last 7 weeks, and now my 22 pants dont fit. I put on this one pair and I swear I had trouble getting them over my hips. Devastating! So that is wearing my emotions down a bit. I got to girls night and hour late, I dont have time for dinner and I have nothing but snacks there. I come home and pass out like 11, wake up, drive 25 minutes to a store to get his sandwich I am craving all week, I wait in line for 15 minutes, it is not 11 and I have not eaten for about 24 hours. They dont have the stuff needed for the sandwich. Deflated and insistent on not eating some shit food, I go to my moms to find something. I just missed breakfast at her house, and everything else I could not stomach. My blood sugar way low at this point. I start to cry, and bitch about everything I can think of, and I cry for almost an hour. A solid hour siting on my moms decks sobbing with tears soaking my shirt. I was a mess. She told me to go get something to eat and she would bring my daughter home later. Even that I resisted. I eventually ate something and felt better but I was a hot mess.

I spent the rest of the day trying to make this house of mine feel like a home. Not an easy thing to do. My daughter and I then when out to dinner. I was a little lonely, more than lonely I was sad I was alone on a saturday night with all these other families out. I was really sad about that for a few minutes, but I did begin to let it go and start accepting this is my life and start to revel in the parts of it I do love...mostly not having to bullshit around with anyone, I do what I want when I want! Just a few minutes of thinking about how exhausting it was to be married makes me wake up.

I have not had sex since the Jamaican the other day. Jw might come down today, I need some dick bad! My boobs dont hurt as bad as they did so I am kind of looking forward to some nipple pinching and slapping, but mostly I just want to get fucked and feel that contentment and satisfaction. I can believe how little I have had sex in the past month or so.

I wanted to blog yesterday, I really did, but when i got home I could not move, I heated up some leftovers from the night before and laid on the couch for 2 hours, then I motivated myself to move upstairs and fell asleep at 7:15. Thank God my daughter is well behaved and played with her babies and watched her show till she fell asleep. I slept all night! I feel like such an unproductive slob. Just trying to give myself permission to do nothing as there is no way to combat this kind of fatigue.

The Jamaican came over the other night. I needed some. He got undressed and hopped in bed with me, and held me, and talked to me, and let me cry, and just loved me. We are not in love with each other at all, but we are very good friends. We have both been in loveless marriages for many years and over the last 5 or so years I have known him we have provided each other with comfort, sex, affection, everything our other relationship lacked. So here is a visual for you. We just had sex, and I am feeling so nauseous, so I grab a bag of dry cherrios, as these seem to help me. We sit there in bed, naked sharing a bag of cheerios and discussing the ramifications of this being his baby, and how it would be devastating to the relationship he has with the women he loves, and how she might leave him. We evenutally drift off to sleep, and I wake up i a panic in the morning looking at him thinking - this just can not be the father of my baby.

So Back to that. How did I manage to do this. How the fuck did I manage to get pregnant and really have NO IDEA whose baby it could be. I am mad at myself about this. And disturbed all at the same time. the Jamican thinks it is probably not his, Jw thinks it is probably the Jamicain, I am freaking out thinking it maybe someone else other than the two of them. And what if i forgot to log someone into my calender. It was such a traumatic 2 weeks for me, what if i forgot someone... I dont think I did, but I feel like I am in the twilight zone already. Sometimes I feel like It is Jw because I know he came in me, and I know I sometimes ovulate early. Then I am like nah might be Jamaican because he is always fucking up a condom, then I am like Just my like it would be young boy who def did not cum in me, but I can see that shit happening just because it is me and who else would that shit happen to.

My ex husband just left. I feel bad for him, I just helped him out with some shit, because he cant do it himself. It is so sad to me to see him suffer like that. He is searching so hard for something and just cant find it. I wish I could help him more, but he does not see how sick he is. It is heart breaking to see someone so full of life and loving and happy, be so broken and sad. It really hurts my soul to see him like that. I love him, I just wish he was happy.

So I am going to girls night tonight, with my jeans on that are too tight I have to use the rubber band trick because they will not fasten. LOL. These women heal my soul, they are amazing, and loving and so much fun. Feeling like I need some more sex, but I do not have a whole lot of desire to see someone other than Jw or the Jamaican, so I might be riding solo again tonight.

The hate came back today. Hateful is the only way I could describe myself, and even as I consciencely tried to redirect my thoughts at time it over took me. I attribute that to the hormones, and just tell myself this too shall pass.

Today I needed to fuck. NEEDED IT! I needed it right then and there and as the day has wound down my interest in dick has waned as well. At one point I think I would have paid for it today, and now I have no interest. Weird how I work. I did make a few half hearted attempts to get some dick, more like one text lol. One very vague text. I almost cant be bothered. I dont really want people in my home. Other than the usual people, Jw& Jamaican, just dont like people all in my space like that. Feels just a little too private lately. And frankly if I dont get this house put together soon I am going to scream! I need to do some more letting go. Letting go of clothes is a big one. I have so many clothes and I wear the same five things. Right now I have on some pajamas that I bought when i was pregnant with my daughter 5 years ago.

The Jamaican will be over in a little while, he better bring his painting gear with him.

Today the Mayor stopped by and asked me how I like the new town I moved into. ( I feel like I should give people a warning, that I am pregnant and a little more bitchy then usual). Considering I have had several township issues since I moved here our conversation was a little heated at times. I seem to make friends where ever I go. As I am debating a few points, I notice I feel good, and I know that my calling in life needs to be where i can do that as part of my job. I get this from my day. We are incredible at getting our way, advocating for others, and basically shutting the other side down. If we believe in a cause we will fight with everything we have. Im proud of how my dad incorporated that into his life, although it took him some time to do so, but everyone knows him in his field. You love him or you hate him, but you respect him. I need to focus on this. I also need to focus on my creativitve side. I know I need to just do it already and stop making excuses for myself.

8 weeks, 5 days pregnant. My boobs hurt less and look a little less plump, but it will be back later in pregnancy. Heartburn now and nausea remains. So I was thinking today about a name for this child. And I know already what I want to name the child, and it occurs to me.... hmmm dam this kid will have a father too. I am really used to doing everything on my own, other people dont even enter my mind. Maybe when I get the paternity test done I will feel more like the father of this child really exists. With my daughter, her dad does what I tell him to, because he knows I educate myself on anything I am unsure of, and D has so little interest in the day to day shit. His big concern is my getting her ears pierced and not saying "Yeah" but responding "Yes". Get serious D maybe you be more concerned with how you will respond when she asks you why you never came to see her when she was little? How did you choose to walk of my life? Kids will become adults and they will have questions. I can raise her the best I can, give her self esteem, a sense of well being all the love she can stand, I can give her coping skills, and give pride but I can make her biological father be anything but what he is.

So T says to me the other day "Your doing it", I say "Doing what"? he says " Living".

Made me smile and of course my eyes water. I did not know for sure I would make it through this. I did not know how my heart would fare through the divorce the move the adjustments in my life. There were times where I thought I would seriously end up in a hospital or a basket case sucking up space on my parents couch. I guess I am living, and I guess I did make it. I hope the worst is over for me. I dont want to write this, I typed it and erased it like four times... I love him still. I just love him, and I dont know if that is even romantic love at this point, just love.

My goal for tomorrow is to try to mitigate the hateful feeling with some loving ones, with some kindness and some positive thinking. And remember I am a kind, non violent, loving person, that all this other shit is not me, but just the reaction to the hormones... I hope.

Yesterday I found myself awake at 5am, doing nothing so I got up and did the dishes, did some laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, caught up on some email. Then called my parents to see if they were ready for me to pick up my daughter, they were all still asleep, so I got my sneakers on to go for a walk. So sitting on the edge of my bed tying my sneakers, I catch a glimpse of the magic wand. It was all over right then. I did not even take my sneakers off, just pulled down the sweat pants and made myself cum, as I watched the videos of young boy, Jw, d, and the dom on my phone. I spent a dam hour doing that. I got to the point where I say to myself - this is the LAST time. And as soon as I cum, I shut it off and get it out of my line of sight. If I linger too long with it in my hand I will put it back for one more time.

I was a little out of sorts with out my daughter here with me, but I made it I picked my daughter up and we went to a couple of stores and to the pool. I was so tired I could not get in. The pregnancy fatigue just has a way of sneaking up on you, and when it comes you just cant do anything but rest. I feel look I look different, my face looks different but no one will tell me that when I ask them. I guess I would lie if someone told me that too.

Girls night this friday, but I think I am going to skip it, I have a chance to work, so I will do that instead. I am not ready to tell people about the pregnancy, and sometimes people, particularly at girls night are very blunt. My sister has lost 6 pregnancies in the last year. She has been really struggling with fertility. I know this will not be happy news for her, and it saddens me that I cant confide in her first.

The Jamaican called me, he is trying to get over to paint, he works late, and I cant be woken up in the middle of the night for some paint, but I do kind of miss him. I was reallly mean to him the other night, but I was angry. I miss our friendship. He is one of the best friends I have ever had. Sure we have sex, but that is just about our bodies needing what they need. The reason we spend so much time with each other is the friendship.

While I was getting dressed this morning which was difficult with my daughter running in and out of my room, I still have brusises on my tits from Jw, not that I mind, but I got to put a bra on right away or keep my towel on. My daughter will tell EVERYONE she knows that Mommy has bruises on her chest... Anyway I glanced over at the bed and thought about the dick, all the fucking, and feel somewhat disgusted with myself. A similar feeling a drug addict would feel about their drug binge. Sometimes I wish I knew how to manage sex instead of the as much as I can get approach. Right now it is easy, because I am pregnant and exhausted and feeling more emotionally raw then ever. So I tend to self isolate and stay with safe people, but I know soon that the urge to binge on sex again will be with me.

Yesterday morning before I made myself cum, I did text young boy. He did not text me back till today, he was sleeping he said. I had to have dick right then and there even thought Jw just left 12 hours ago. And Jw fucked me good, and I still needed it. So obviously it is not a physical need but more like an emotional need being met by a physical activity. It passed after an hour of cumming.

So I am feeling somewhat content and relaxed, smiling a lot and thinking about the realization that I am pregnant with a baby I have longed for. I do have some moments where I could hurt someone, here and there. Today it was the after care program at my daughters school. I pull up they have a note on the door that says they are outside, which means I have to get back in my car drive all the way to the other side of the building, walk around to the playground, I get there and they have to go in to get book bags. So then we go back in , and then I got to walk all the way across the the property to where my car is parked. Almost 20 mins to pick my kid up. I could have made those women cry today, they should have planned a little bit better for this. When i get down work I dont want to spend 20 minutes tracking my kid down, for what I pay for after care, I think i Should beep the horn and then should bring her out and put her in the car. Lol I get my so worked up about nothing. That was only a fleeting thought the rest of the day was pretty relaxed.

Going to bed early, The Jamaican might swing but depending on what time he gets done work. I dont know, I really need sleep, I dont know if I can fuck with him. He is going to want to talk all night. Will see.

Thought about T today, he sent me a nice text, it made me happy. Still thinking about what that relationship meant to me. I miss him,and now I am crying. Ugh I really miss him. I think I miss most is sleeping with him. Just sleeping in the same bed, the talking in bed, laying around, watching tv. I just miss his conversation and affection, all the funny shit he did. I just miss him. I dont know why I cant let it go, it will only hold me back. If I am honest with myself about the whole thing I know that there were some very sucky parts too, but they never surface for me, just the good stuff. Not a great way to encourage healing.

Who knows maybe this is all hormonal, I got pregnant about a week or so after T and I broke up. I doubt it, but maybe. I know it sure as hell did not help it.

I think about Jw too - oh yeah I am very emotional tonight. Sometimes I think that he wont be back. Like when he leaves he wont come back. It is like D, I know every time I have seen D in the last 5 years, might be the last time, or might be the last time for a long time. It kind of feels the same. Like I better say anything I need to say because this might be it. Again it is not like I have a real reason for feeling that way, or even a made up one. I guess I just dont know him. I just dont know him - that phrase haunts me. How did this happen? How did I manage to get pregnant but someone who I dont know, and out the 3 options, 1 dont know, 1 do barely know and 1 somewhat know. What the fuck? Little hard for me to trust people, I guess given my track record I guess anyone would have trouble. I dont know... Mind exploration over for tonight. Been sooo nauseous all day going to try to eat something and go to bed.

Spent a lot of time thinking of Jw last night. He said to me " I never really thought I could get you pregnant, or at least not that fast". That scares me about his being ok with this pregnancy. He never acts anything other then fine, but I am still a little scared. This is assuming this is his child, what if the reality of the situation kicks in one day and he freaks out, particularly if this is something he was not really sure he could even accomplish in the beginning. I thought about his girlfriend and felt bad about that, because my having a baby will probably break up another relationship, and that makes me sad. I try to tread lightly in life, but dam I am not doing a good job. I dont ever intend to fuck up someone else's relationship. It happened with D, might happened with Jw, and if it is the Jamaican's, it will for him too. Is that my karma, will that shit come back to me?

I dont know what my life is going to look like with this child in it. I keep trying to imagine me sharing any kind of parenting with any one of these men, and I have a little trouble doing so. I like to control everything and if I need to co -parent I wonder how that will work. I wonder how well I would be as a team player.

I really am counting the days until I can get this paternity test done. I look at the calender almost every day to get a better sense of where the conception occurred . I am 8 weeks pregnant which puts me at the day Jw I had unprotected sex, but 2 weeks of your pregnancy you are not pregnant, since they go by your first day of your last menstrual , which pushes it back 2 weeks, which I had not had sex with anyone right around there, and more to the point I would have never gotten a pos preg test on the 10th if I did not conceive a littler earlier.

Jw said to me, he has a feeling it will be the Jamaican's. I dont know, I would have liked it better if I could remember what happened that night with the Jamaican. He told me the condom slipped I knew nothing about the whole ordeal, this is because he is always fucking me when I am half sleep. And I never remember the details or am really awake when it starts.

My pussy felt good this morning. little swollen from the fucking, which was so good, and still with his cum all in it that I can feel as I start moving around. While we were talking about relationships last night I was beginning to wonder why so many people dont live like I do. Monogamy is so difficult. Who can do that with out a huge sacrifice of themselves. I think about am I really ok with fucking other people and a partner fucking other people. I keep coming back to yes I am really fine with it - assuming my needs are met. I feel like maybe I am fooling myself I should want a man to myself... by why. Sometimes we need something new in life, I need something new, why wouldn't everyone else. Having said that I wonder if I was fucking daily would I still need something new? It is all about the mental game for me even someone with a small dick can have me chasing them if they got the ability to fuck my mind.

Jw and I spoke a little about T, I dont know even how to explain that relationship that was alike a tornado. I feel like it still got my head spinning a bit, how two people get so close so fast and how the shit just falls apart so quick. I barely cry about that anymore, but I still cry.

I cried yesterday before Jw came over, because I am lonely my baby girl was with her grandparents and I missed her, I was alone, and just feeling like a lost soul. Maybe this is why my face is so dam puffy because I cry so much.

It is all quiet in my house, all the hear is the dam clock ticking and the emotion beginning to well up in my chest. Im a little sad today, I dont know why. Going to get some stuff done and run some errands today.

I am sure the Jamaican will be trying to come over tonight. It has been awhile. I wonder if he is not wanting me because I denied him.....

Jw did make his way down here. I was surprised he did come, I just thought he would not come down since I did see him thursday, but I was really happy to see him. I enjoyed the company and conversation, but it certainly opened my eyes and increased my stress level.

First, the good parts- Sex! When I text Jw this afternoon to see if he was coming, it was more or less so I could decide if I could make myself cum right then and there when I was feeling it or if I should delay the gratification until I see him or at least until I know if he is coming or not. I was super proud of myself I was able to take a deep breath and let the feeling of I got to cum right now pass while I wait to see if Jw would should up.

He came right in, I left the door unlocked, unknowingly, and he walked in and took his dick out and I began to suck it. AHHH instant happiness. We fuck on the couch, and I find some good angles to easily move my pussy around on his dick. I felt slightly empowered and also noticed myself smiling again while I was getting fucked.

We moved up to the bed room. How I wish I would have the camera on at all times. So much good shit I miss all the time. Either way, he gets on top of me. He is sweating alot, and I am loving it. My hands glide all over his body easily, I love his sweat dripping on me, he is periodically spitting on my pussy, and I start to think about him pissing on me. He pulls his dick out and slaps my clit with his wet dick, and I start to squirt. I feel it spraying up, and he seemed to like it. I love that feeling of when I squirt, my body just does its own thing, I like that I cant stop it, it just going to do what it does. With out warning, he begins to fist me, and we get the magic wand. I was equally thrilled and surprised he did this - as it is not his thing. I felt like I could not tolerate the intensity I usually do at that moment, in fact I was painfully aware that my pussy was not stretching like it usually does, and in my head I really thought dear god, I got to get a baby out of that, and the fist is having trouble, but he got it in. :) We go back to fucking and damm I am still thinking about him pissing on me. We are wet with sweat and cum, and I wish he would just take it out and piss all over my face. He did not but him cumming in my pussy is almost as good. There is nothing better than that moment he begins to cum, I love that moment, and you feel him begin to explode in your body, he is filling your pussy with his cum. I love it.

I make dinner, he watches football, we talk. I felt like maybe I was 10% more comfortable with him then I was. Our conversation about the baby that maybe his, about his relationship, etc, just gave me an overwhelming sense of OMG I dont know this man at all. He is so different then me, he is SO Different than I am. Not that it is a bad thing that we are different, I just can not believe this. I can not believe my life. I can not fucking believe I am not sure who got my pregnant. This shit does not happen to me. I dont do shit like this. about 4 more weeks I can get the paternity test done. From there I hope I find some peace. I will be fine if it is Jw, or Ray but young boy that is going to be a problem. He is not really ready to be a father.

So yesterday talking to my friend in the car on the way home she tells me her mom was furious for talking about having another biracial child. That disturbs me. He family is very racist and no one seems to think that is a problem for the biracial child? I dont get it. There are a few people in my extended family that are no longer people we talk to because they are racist, and while I understand that some people do not know any better because they learn this ideaology early on, but I have no need to converse with someone that believes my child is less then they are because she bi racial. What do we have to say after that - nothing. I think I was just disturbed by laize faire attitude about racial motivated remarks and her families desire that she not bring any more bi racial children in the word. And she says to me, you dont think your parents would prefer to have a white mans baby? I answered No. Of course not. I dont think they think it about it all at this point. Yes there was some uncertainty in the beginning but that is all. ugh cant get that conversation out of my head.

I need to sleep, almost nine, I fucked, I ate and I fucked again, I need to sleep now.

You will be thrilled to know I have shaved my legs. If Jw does come down today i needed to make sure at the very least my legs were shaven.

I went out with my daughter to an amusement park yesterday. I love that kind of stuff, not that I ride on rides, I cant even look at most rides without getting dizzy, but I love to see my daughter having so much fun. We went with a friend of mine. Her kids are a little bit on the difficult side, and usually after a few hours I have had enough. She asked me if I was miserable in the car, and I was not, but the next time her kid whined something in the back of that car I could have slapped him. I dont know if my kid is so well behaved because of my parenting or because of her god given personality, but I dont tolerate a lot of the bullshit I think most parents do. I would never allow my kid to embarrass me in public. A lot of it is personality though. I am a blender. I like to blend in. I dont want a whole bunch of attention, I follow the rules, I respect the system whatever it maybe, I wait in line, etc. She is just different, so by the end of the day I start to wish we drove separate cars.

I was surprised by a comment on the last post, was written by a woman. I just really did not think women would read my blog, I dont know why really. Sometimes I wonder why anyone reads, but I still love that people do.

So after the amusement park, after dropping my friend off, my daughter and I stop to get something to eat. The the waiter comes over and says "have you been here before? I think I have served you before." I say " Not been here before (as I look up at his face now) and finish with maybe you have seen me somewhere else" He says "Yeah I have defiantly served you before". So I start to laugh to myself and smile and think, let me look at this guy, do I know him. I dont think I do but I love the idea that maybe he follows the blog, or maybe we fucked at a party. That is hot to me. There is something so gratifying about having people in my personal space, in my private thought, in my head.

My body feeling about 15% better than I was. I had some bad cramping yesterday, which scared me, but all is good. My boobs still hurt tremendously! Maybe my body feeling a little better but I am not loving how I look. My skin looks a little dull and my face is all puffy. I still think about Jw and how he feels when he is fucking me, sometimes it is why is he here with me. I still feel like I am shafting him a lot. Like I am not giving him the best experience I could. Anal is one of those things I would like to be able to do more easily, but it takes me a long time to relax. In the whole scheme of life not long at all, like 5 to 10 minutes, but I realize when your dick is hard 5 to 10 minutes seems like a very long time . So many things run through my mind - it is a mind circus in there. I hope he does make it down here today, but I realize I will probably be paralyzed with awkward uncertinaty in his presence but how am I to get past that if I dont see him.

I got work to do and I have already devoted too much time to mind exploration.

I came home from dance class, and I was a little overcome with a sense of gratitude. And I feel like I need to acknowledge that. As I listen to the women at the dance class talk about their excessive amounts of frivolous spending, I was not as irritated at I usually get, and thinking, dam even when we had money I would never spend money on dumb shit like that. But that conversation me feel grateful for the job I have, the money I do have, the abilities I have. I felt like I needed to acknowledge that gratitude, and peace that I am feeling right now. I have not felt this in awhile and I needed to write about it.

I fell asleep at my desk today for a quick second at work today, I am tired beyond words, I know that this should only last about 4 more weeks, but good god I have never been so tired in my whole life. This is why it has been easy for me to limited the dick. For a brief moment on my way home, in my car listening to some Method Man, I wanted some dick bad. I actually thought to myself, I wonder if that big dick Jamaican could swing by tonight. That thought only lasted about 30 seconds before I was thinking - Nah Too much Effort, I would need to text him, we would need to text back and forth a few times, I would really need to shave my legs, and he going to want me in all kinds of crazy positions. Not worth the aggravation. Ill skip it and make myself come when my daughter is at dance class.

Work was an exercise in frustration today. Serious Frustration. I have like four bosses, one new one is a complete retard. He decieded to "tweak" the computers at work. So I leave at 430 yesterday, he was there, and I come back at 830 to a broken fucking monitor. A brand new monitor now broke, I asked him with a shitty tone of voice as soon as he walks in this morning " did you do something to my computer" he responds "I dont think so" Ugh huh. This guy is a totally fucking idiot for so many reason I can not even begin to list but I started my Friday morning PISSED.

My ex husband, wrote some crazy shit on Facebook, almost like a suicide reference to everyone, saying good bye things like that. I feel bad for him, I love him still, I would have never ended our marriage, but he did not want to do it anymore, he blamed me for his suicidal ideations and had some chick filling his head with shit. So here we are living separately, his feels worse than he ever has, and my life has only flourished. I am still grieving for our marriage. 11 years we were partners, and as much as I tried to help him with his mental health issues I could not. I live in fear that I will get a call telling me he has killed himself . He is a good person, I hate to see anyone suffer, but I am also at the end of my rope of helping him. If he is not ready to accept some help and help now means medication, there is no other option at this point with the severity of his symptoms. It weighs on my heart. I think about my daughter a lot and her sheer love for him and I wonder if I have done the right thing. Should i have left my ex when I found out I was pregnant? And if D was her dad how would that be. I already know. It would be heart breaking, D does not see his children that much. I cant change the past - but I dont want to repeat it. My friends always ask me if I would go back to him, as they realize this is a mental break, and not about our lack of love for each other. For whatever reason we have split, it over now! I can never going back to living half a life while I try to fix him, and while he stifles my flourishing in life. Never.

I have been thinking about D a lot lately. I feel like I know sooner or later I will get the call and I dont know how to respond. The do you want me to stop by call... as I stutter out some kind of response. I dont love D like I used to. I would not give my life for him anymore, I will not give all of me, but I must say I will take some of that hardcore fucking and I like to see him with my daughter, it makes me feel contented to know that she knows him and that she will positive memories of him. (as I get weepy thinking about how I feel to see him pick her up and hug her). She keeps asking me where he is - it is heartbreaking.

My Jamaican friend I think is a little put off with me for denying him the pussy the other night. He asked me if he could come over, I was did not mind, but he was really not getting the pussy. He came over, and he did not get it, I have not heard from him since. Sometimes that is normal but it is whatever I dont really care. I think might have been the first time I have ever denied someone pussy like that.

Young boy not text me at all. Im still angry with him. He infuriates me a bit, but I do miss the morning quickies.

Still feeling a little like I need some of that skin to skin contact, some talking in bed, some love. Damm I even scared way the spiritual man, he aint text me in a week. :( not that I want to talk to him really, but I am a little lonely.

T said something to me about maybe meeting up this weekend. Tempting, but I told him I dont know. Why bother? Really at this point why bother talking about anything, healing anything, its over, never going to happen, and anything he say will undoubtfully make me an emotional crying mess anyway. And it is not like he wants to have sex, it is not like a fuck me again type of thing. Yeah that whole things still makes me a little sad.

Dance class and laying on the couch - woo hoo - what an exciting Friday night!

Jw came over this morning. I had not had sex in a little over a week, so I was glad he came down. Morning sex is the best sex ever and I love it. I dont totally know what made me feel different this time, but I was feeling different. I was elated. I was smiling while he was fucking me. I felt so intensely happy and content. I liked his body touching mine, the smell of him, feeling his heart beat when he gets close, feeling like he is owning my body. I loved it, I think it might have the best so far for me.

I did feel myself, touching him more, which I wish I was not so aware of. I was conscience of my desire to touch him, and often find myself restraining myself. I wanted to kiss him, more maybe I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to touch him a lot. Even after as we laid in the bed for a few minutes, I wanted to touch him, I wanted that skin to skin contact. But I dont know how that gets incorporated into this, and I dont think I could ever act on that urge. So instead I get out my magic wand.

My friend came over this even, my girl friend, as she likes to pinch my nipples, I stop her and explain to her my tits HURT and show her the marks Jw left on them this morning. Her only remark "you still doing that crazy shit"? When he was slapping my tits and saw the marks begin to appear i could tell he liked it, as he tried to make the right match the left. I like the marks, reminds me of the feeling of being used, being owned, being abused, the pain I received and loved.

I feel him looking at me and I use the wand to make myself cum, I was ok with that, the orgasm was intense maybe a 7.5 out of 10, not the kind where my body jerks violently but all in all not bad and did not take long at all to get there.

We did not talk long, I had to go to work and I got dressed, as I shake my head at the state of my bedroom. I am too tired to clean up the clothes on the floor too tired to anything extra. And I knew he was coming over last night before I went to bed, but I did not have the energy to shave my legs. I was very conscience of that too. Each and every time my had came to touch my legs I cringed and felt bad for not taking the time to shave my legs, I am just so tired these days. I came home and made dinner, and laid on the couch while my daughter covered me up and attended to me. I was thinking a lot about jw so I thought if I blog I can get it out of my head and go upstairs to bed.

As Jw was leaving, looking good, with his hoodie and unshaven face, he quickly kissed me and gave me a hug, I needed that hug. I could have lingered there for a long time. I feel a little tearful even as I think about it. Maybe I am just feeling just a little emotional and needy, and I have not been having sex or seeing too much of anything, so maybe I am feeling a little love starved. So now I am in a full fledge cry. I am starting to feel some of the motherly stuff kick in. Seeing the little tiny baby in my body, with his heart beating, all the fears about money and daycare, and my ability of being a singlemom, and who the dad it and how his role with unfold into this babies life, go away for a minute and I begin to revel in the joy of having a baby. It does not last long but it feels really good.

I have been complaining alot about the texts and ims, and now just about no one texts me, and that is a little sad too. I do not have the energy to carry on any other relationships other then the basics.

So 713 and I am heading to bed in a few mintues, I just cant keep my eyes open.

I had to laugh when I saw the comment on my last post about how it was a bit scary. Try feeling like that. It is scary feeling like that. I have not felt that way in a long time, and to be back there with no way to fix it but wait for it to pass was scary. It has passed.

Today I woke up at 4am, with the morning sickness and stayed up since. I feel pretty good considering it is 830 and I am still awake, and not feeling too comatose tonight. I pray that the worst of the utter exhaustion might be over. I went out to dinner tonight with my daughter and then hit a few stores, still no exhaustion. I enjoyed might night a lot, and love spending time with my daughter like that, where we can talk and talk. At the restaurant she reminded me how "the other night when you were in you bedroom screaming all night - it woke me up and I just did not appreciate that. Why were you screaming?" Ahh the fun conversations with a five year old.

She then talked about she wants to be a big sister, and will I "please ask God for a baby brother or sister", she must have been praying for awhile because she got her pray answered.

Today was to be the day my divorce was finalized, and it was at 11am, and then that order was vacated at 4pm. Only me, that shit only happens to me. My ex did not file the martial property settlement, and the judge granted the divorce with out it, but the judge would not change my name because I was not there. Long story short I had to go to court at 330 to ammended the order and when the judge realized that he made a serious mistake he vacated the previous judgement, then he put my ex on blast. I was glad that someone else was able to she tell him to grow up , but I am afraid he did not get it. The judge told him he was disgusted and annoyed with him, and we would have to hear this matter another time because the judge was disgusted and if he spoke again he would be held in contempt. I felt bad for him at the moment because he did have some valid issues with the courts shortcomings, but he did not tell me to later, that during the morning court session, when the judge asked if I was available he told him no, when he knew I was, and he was ok with the court not granting my property settlement because it benefited him. Karma Baby Karma. We get to go do all over again in a few weeks.

Overall today the mean vicious feelings have gone to be replaced with contentment and a little financial concern. I am used to buying anything I want, whenever I want, but that is not how I am living now. Way different, but not horrible. Lucky for me I could care less about name brand anything, and I have assests if I need them, but I am still scared. I keep thinking about daycare. Daycare is SOOOOOOO expensive. It makes my heart hurt.

I try to remember that it is only for a few years, and I will make it.

Still feeling mean. I feel like I could fuck someone up today. Part of me feels a little remorseful for the rude things I have said to people in the last 48 hours, and part of me is indifferent. I lost in front of my ex husband this morning, like really lost it. I think I scared him, by the look on his face and his loss of words. Then I got in my car to go run some errands, and I screamed. I screamed all the way down the road until I got to the highway and then I scream intermittently until I drove about 12 minutes. Oh yes folks, the crazy train has arrived. I feel crazy. I feel like I am at the edge of sanity.

I started to look for some meds that are safe during pregnancy, even though I already knew the answer, nothing is safe, there are no choices here but to just learn to deal with this shit. I have not felt this violent in a long time. Vicious is a good word. I just feel like I could fuck someone up and I would really like it, which is the complete opposite of who I am. I generally dislike violence immensely.

I dont know why I feel so crazy, it is not like I have a specific reason. Just hormones and serious irritation with being so dam nauseous all the time. I might see Jw tonight, might not. He is about the only person I care to see, so if he does not come down there will be no dick for me until I see him again.

So I worked late yesterday, and I wanted some part of a my day to be something I enjoyed. I went to see the spiritual man in the city. FAIL! I did not feel the peace I usually do, I did not feel spiritual connection. He got on my nerves pretty bad, and I was very irritated. Not too mention sick. Morning sickness seems to hit me about 9p and lasts all night. So the constant are you ok? I just felt like screaming "YES I am fucking fine, no leave me alone".

Almost no sleep, or so it felt. My day has been rough! An interesting phone call from the Jamaican today, which pretty much pissed me off and hurt my feelings. And then the mass of emotions of please god please god do not let this be his baby. He and I have been very close friends for many many years, but today I feel like telling him to fuck off and good luck with his life. In fact I told him I will call him in about 5 weeks when I need his DNA sample. He then tried to act like he was not going to participate in a DnA test. All I have to say to that - is he better not fuck with me. He better not fuck with me. I am so hateful today. So hateful. I really cant even say one nice thing at the moment I am just utterly disgusted angry and feeling a little mean, with intermittent periods of despair.

How did a few days ago I felt close to the spiritual man and the Jamaican man, and now I could care less if I ever talk to them again.

I think I am just streamlining my life. Good word for it. I got to get rid of everything that is not necessary, and does not delight me. If I cringe when you call or text me - Im done. At least for now, just want to focus on getting through this pregnancy with my mind intact. Luckily I have no desire for sex really, so right now I am cool. At some point I need one man in my life. Just one man to take care of my needs would be nice! Because sometimes if I got to deal with one more man, his ego, his needs, sports I am going back to women!