Went to the ob tonight for a baby check, all is good, listened to the heartbeat, and reviewed my labs, sent on my way. This pregnancy was better than my last.

So my mom tells me my dad is going to move my hot tub to their house. I wanted it at my house, but I just have not had the time energy or money to handle that. I told the would be fine to move it to their house, but it made me cry. Not that much doesn't make me cry, but I just love that dam hot tub. I loved the solace it gave me. I don't think I can let it go. I got to think about that shit for a few more days. It is not like I cant use it at my moms, but it is not that same. I cant use it every night. Not that I used it every night at my own house. I just hate not having control over something. I don't have control over this. I might just need to let this go.

Im sad tonight for my sister, she is have some problems with her pregnancy. She has lost so many babies, her body just cant carry them. I told her I would carry a baby for her, and I will do that for her, but as I heard the news tonight about her issues, I thought to myself I am so exhausted, how can I carry another baby with 2 kids...but if she wants me to I will. It did not help that when I was called back at the doctors, the nurse says to me, "wow hun, you look exhausted"...what a little ego boost for me.

Talked /texted/chatted with Jw a lot today. A lot of foreplay that makes me want to fuck him badly. The conversation was nice, been feeling a little distant from Jw lately. He mentioned something about how long I made him wait for me.. it was a LONG TIME , years! I had his numbers programmed in my phone as DNA Do Not Answer. It makes me laugh, I was really frustrated by him, and so rude to him. So rude I feel a little embarrassed. I wonder what changed that made me want to see him. I might need to reread my own blog to see what happened that changed my mind. I do remember when I first met him, watching him walk down the sidewalk of the motel, and thinking this is not that type of man I usually see.

Getting very close to the paternity test results. I have been trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario (Young Boy) and going through some positive affirmations so if I get bad news I will not crumble. Im trying to tell myself it will work out the way God intended, and even if it is Young Boy, I can make the best of it. My hope is, right thoughts and right actions will lead to right outcomes. So if Young Boy is the father, my behavior, tolerance, and willingness to help him cope will affect everything. Although truth be told that piece of shit will never have my baby, I dont know if I will tell him or not. For sure I wont tell him right away. Just continue to prep for the worst case , and breath until I get my results.

All that and the hot tub still upsetting me. I thought writing about it would take some of the sense of loss away, but it did not.

I am going to try to get some good sleep tonight, since I apparently look so bad, as per the nurse. And I am going to pray about this intense feeling of loss, and try to figure out the larger meaning of it all.

Apparently those low days for me just go so very low. I woke up at 3 am with an intense migraine, I opened my eyes to see my baby girl right there in my face. She honestly looks so much like D laying there it was startling. I never made it back to sleep but pressed on with my day. I handled the conflict at work the second I got in there and that made me feel much better. I hate unfinished business.

Otherwise I felt peaceful today. I am still scared as hell about this paternity test and all the feelings I have about that, but I did manage to get through that today with less angst. I did speak with Jw today. There is something grounding about that. It brings me back from all the ridiculous fears and paranoia. We briefly talked about how the Jamaican said I scare him. I scare him because he does not ground me, he lets me do whatever I want, as he should because I dont need to listen to him or want to. There is no desire to submit to him. He is a man that would not know what to do with the devotion of submission. In all honestly I am a very intimidating person in general. My mouth is my best weapon and many people are "scared" for a lack of a better term to get into a debate or disagreement with me. In that sentiment, I am a strong believer of the strong survive. So I can see why he would be scared of me, because I have lost ability to pretend at this point, and when my mouth starts, he does not know quite what to say. If this was a dominate man in my life, he would what to say to ground me before I felt the need to assert myself. In the 8 or so years I was with D, I raised my voice to him 2 times. One time was very early in our relationship and with almost no thought he slapped me in my face, HARD, and kept driving, with out missing a beat! Several minutes later he said to me "you dont speak to me like that" and that was that. The second time I was pregnant, I yelled he looked at me with "the look" and I cried and he hugged me. Whenever I got loud or close to being argumentative he gave me the look and I took a step back. That is grounding. It is good for someone like me to have someone that can ground me. But more to the point, the conversation made me feel a little more grounded, like I could breathe again.

I went out with my baby girl tonight, dinner, santa, shoes, christmas shopping. Just felt good to spend time with her and enjoy our evening. Too many of our nights have been just moving and working.

Feeling so much better tonight, thank god for that. Last my not least sex. Not a whole lot of sex drive happening this last few weeks. I do crave some mental stimulation, not looking for the orgasm as much as I am looking for the feeling of being owned,but even that has not been pressing. A welcomed break from the I got to fuck right now feeling.

I hate when I feel like this. I tried to channel my stress and feelings of anger tonight into something productive. So I thought let me try and tackle one little bit of the basement / play room. I still can not find a lot of shit like all the winter gloves and boots and shit, be nice to have that soon. So I go down stairs. It is wall to wall boxes, half are opened and rifled through, and head to put together a shelf to start sorting through these damm toys. I bought these shelves yesterday at Lowes, half price! So exciting as that is, I cant get them into my house. They are 100lbs each, so 2 remain in my car and one I pretty much brow beat my ex into dragging in the house for me when he dropped my daughter off the other day. I go over there and almost instantly overwhelmed with how heavy it is. I am not a girl that is unaccustomed to heavy lifting to say that least. After all it was me and T, and the Jamaicain and my brother in law and my Dad that moved all the shit. I carried the same shit they all did. But I just dont have the strength I did then. I am so beaten down, mentally and physcially, I just dont have any strength left. I keep going and take all the pieces out and get ready to assemble the shelf. Long story short, sometimes you need two people to do shit. Be it hold something for you, lift something with you, or just help you. I end up hurting my finger and I begin to cry, and as the tears of pain roll down my face, I keep going. I needed help. It is not easy to do alone, I just needed some help, at one point the whole fucking thing fell apart and I pick one of the side pieces that wont stay in place for anything and pretty much beat the fucking shelf up with it. At this moment I am laughing and crying at that, but all this rage was pulsing through my veins, and I stop and in lifeless sitting position I sit on the basement floor and cry and say "God I just cant do this anymore". I cant really admit some very regrettable things I thought down there, but I am so angry at that the state of my life, and how little control I have over everything. I am fucking ANGRY! I want out, I just want to run. I dont know what else to do but pray for some kind of help. I did put the shelf together, I was not walking away from that. And I did mange to clear one section, very small section.

I dont like being alone. This shit is not for me. I think I would rather still be in the sexless, and stressful marriage.

So break down aside. I feel a little better having at least gotten some of that shit off my chest. Other things I need to get off my chest, I can stand this girl at work. Cant have a conversation with me but will talk about me no problem, and when I confront her she breaks out in hives. Passive Aggressive with a need for attention. Not my type of girl.

Ugh Jw. I realize I have put way too much emphasis on how I feel about him. As you have any kind of D/s relationship with someone you feed off on their response to you. Or at least for me I do. Even with the crazy white cop from back in the day... if he was pleased with me I felt good about myself, if he was not I felt bad about myself. And seriously there was not even a friendship there. We were just meeting and doing some sexual things. With the old Dom if I perform as he expected he treated me one way and if I did not I was treated another. So my feelings are affect depending on how I am treated. My feelings are hurt and that about sums that up.

I will feel better in the morning... when i get this low, I usually bounce up pretty high the next day. I hope that is the case tonight. !

This cant really be how my week has started, the up side, it can only get better from here. Work can not be more intensely stressful than it is. I have so many issues today just with my job I am exhausted. I am trying hard to determine which of my feelings are real and which are just pregnancy emotions. I dont even have the words to articulate the level of stress I am feeling right now, let me sum it up with I am seriously contemplating asking my doctor to give a few weeks off work.

Otherwise I dont really have too much to say. The Jamicain called me, I ignored his call. I just feel like I need some space from him. Maybe a little space will make me detest him less.

I called to get an update on the paternity test, December 2 it is due in, not till 8p eastern time... WTF that is the whole rest of the week. Ugh.

I need a little soul soothing tonight. I hope I can find it somewhere.

The Jamaican came over to paint today. It is apparent I have a low tolerance for him these days. He begins to talk to me about that while we paint. I feel like sometimes I do forget he does have feelings and he does express them from time to time. I talked about how I was frustrated that I am pregnant and of the three incidents that could have gotten me pregnant, I had no say. I had not say. That angers me just a little. He said something to the effect of I should always be in control of what goes in my pussy, when I gave him the death stare he smiled and restated his self. I said a man should always know where he sperm is.... dont you think? So some of my anger is there, that he could done better, and anger at this whole situation of not knowing who the father is. Perhaps this is one of those universal lessons that I needed to learn, that I dont need to plan every detail, because not knowing how the father is has forced me to enter a state of taking one day at a time. Just accepting there is a baby and reminding myself that it is my child and i will love it all the same in the end. And whoever the father is... there will be struggle. Other parts of my anger with him, is communication. I dont think he understands half the shit I say, I know he dont, nor do I understand him. Today he says to me that I scare him sometimes I get so angry and frustrated. This puzzled me a bit. I do know he has seen more of the real me in the last 5 months than he has in the last five years, but damm I scare him. I am not violent I dont throw thing or hit or anything like that, what to be scared of? He said I am mean. I know I am mean to him in the middle of the night when he wakes me up to talk. You wake me up to talk...I promise you there will not be a good response. Of course he back pedals with only since you be pregnant baby, I never see you like this before. Please God just let this baby be Jw's.

So progress in my house is happening. For the first time since I moved here 4 months ago, we were able to eat at the dining room table. It really brought some peace and contentment to sit at the dining room table, and eat dinner with my baby girl. And she was beyond excited as well. Quickly resuming her usual seat, getting her placemat out. 5 years of family dinners, we find comfort there, and although it was just the two of us, it still felt like home.

I have to keep reminding myself - this is only tempory. I keep reminding myself I am not this crying, emotionally weak, sensitive mess that i have been, since the very day I conceived this child. I dont feel like myself, or even look like myself. Did I mention how difficult pregnancy is for me. Now having said that, this pregnancy has been way better than the last but I am still a mess. A lonely overly sad mess. So I sent Jw a video of me sucking D dick, from the summer. He said I looked different in the video, when I pinned him down to ask him to explain different "younger". There was a time after my marriage ended in may and before the most exhausting soul sucking move ever that I was into how I looked. I felt good about myself, I was looking good. T and I were "dating" and I was generally happy, and felt good. The world was mine for the taking. I looked better, it helped the lighting was dark. But the fact remains that I look how I feel, and that is exhausted! I dont think I ever really recovered from the move. I know that sounds ridiculous as it has been four months, but let me emphasize that I left a 3 bedroom Cape Cod, with 2 car garage, and 2 acres of land to this much smaller home, and no land. I had to and still am dealing with lots of property I just dont know what to do with. Like my hot tub... Not that I can use it during my pregnancy, but I cant let go of my hot tub, which still sit in the yard of the old home. Appliances I still need to sell, I just got the rest of my belonging out of the house 3 weeks ago, those things have not all found a home. I wish I knew how to let it go, but I dont. I feel like I lost so much in the course of the marriage that I refuse to loose one more dollar or one more blow to my spirit. I am trying to control the only thing I can, which is my stuff. I cant even talk about the house anymore, my parents have been handling everything for me. Thank God for my Parents!

I also feel like I have not given myself to heal. My marriage has end for just about 6 months now, as well as the relationship with D, and then the emotional blow with the relationship with T. My heart might just need some time to heal. I want everything yesterday and want to wait for nothing, but I realize I really need to slow my thinking my desires down. I need to sit with the awkwardness of being alone. Embrace it and learn to love it again. I used to love my alone time and now I fear it. I have not been in some kind of relationship since I was about 15. That roughly 17 years of trying to make relationships works, bowing to the needs of a man or a woman, forgetting what makes me happy and living to make others happy.

There will be again in my life a day when I do cry and I do not feel so irrationally sad. 24 more weeks until the baby comes and there is some light on this situation. I feel like I have really lost myself, and I am desperately seeking that feeling of self knowing confidence I once had. I know this is what pregnancy looks like to me. Just needed to remind myself.

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I wake up in the middle of the night with the desire to be touched. My body just needs it. I m laying in my bed legs spread wishing I had someone with me. I needed some touching, some tying up, some humiliation. It woke me up. The urge to be sexually abused woke me up. That blew my mind. I did not want my vibrator or dildo, I wanted to be tied down, my nipples sucked for hours, until they are purple and sore, I my body to be pleased and tortured in equal measure, I wanted to feel powerless and at someone elses mercy. I wanted so bad, I could about taste the gag in my mouth. I need to do something about this urge, it will not go away. I need my fix. To get me through the night, I allowed my mind to wander into some very different fantasies. I began to visualize myself back at the doctors, with my legs spread on the table, and visual the doctor with his hands in my pussy, checking me, and then I visualize things progressing to his dick rubbing my clit, to him slowly stroking my pussy, and in my fantasy I am tearful with feelings of humiliation... as I fight to enjoy the pleasure from his dick. I need to address this problem.

I did eventually fall back asleep to begin dreaming about the paternity test. This is causing me so much angst. I dreamed that Jw was the father, and the dream covered many months, and was like a fast forward of life. It was bizarre, and startling as I woke up and was not instantly aware of it the dream was real or not. I am in the home stretch, and I will know soon, I hope! They said there is always a chance there may not be enough fetal cells in the blood yet and I would need to wait a week and do it again. I pray that does not happen. As I packed everything up, I looked at the swabs and thought to myself the contents of the envelope look so insignificant for as powerful as they are.

Happy Thanksgiving and I am truly thankful for a new start in my life.

I was on my way to the doctor today, again, just to check on things since I had some issues with cramping today. Traffic was ridiculous and as I am sitting in the rain in the silence in my car I was reminded of my exact location and situation one year ago.

A year ago today, I was married, undergoing fertility testing and preparing to have a baby with my then husband, I was in my car traveling on the turnpike in ridiculous traffic on my way to spend the evening with D. I remember my INTENSE frustration of the traffic as I spent almost an hour trying to get down a 2 miles section of road, and feeling like whatever the price I had to pay in order to spend the evening with him was worth it. What a difference a year makes. I never thought I would be a divorced women and surely not a year from that day.

Tonight my life looks so much different. I am pregnant, I am divorced, I live alone, I have no contact with D, and have not had the intense desire to seek out D. I am content, for the most part, I am happier, most of the time, and I am grateful for a new start in my life. I am staying in, enjoying my new home, listening to my daughter play, as I read my mail, and sip on some tea. Seeking peace tonight, not D and not dick.

During my doctors visit today, they wanted to check my cervix to make sure everything was good. I was not prepared for an internal exam. I never quite have gotten used to the doctor and nurse overseeing as I have to spread my legs with the doctors face in my crotch. Either way then they went to check the heartbeat of the baby. This is done with just a listening device, not an ultrasound. As i lay there and she begins to look for the heartbeat I begin to think what is taking so long. .. She pushes harder and deeper looking all over for the heartbeat, for several minutes. It has never taken so long for me to hear the heartbeat. As tears begin to stream down my face, the doctor continues to search for the heartbeat in silence. Several minutes later, we hear it. 160 beats per minute. Thank God, the intense heartache I felt just in those few uncertain moments was horrifying!

I am really looking forward to spending some quality time in my bed, alone tonight.

How I know I got fucked good, is my muscles in my ass and legs hurt for days afterward. When the sex is good, my body just shakes at times from the pleasure and my muscles tense all up, and then a day later it feels like I have been in a marathon. Every step up the stairs I cringe from the soreness then smile a little bit thinking about the fucking. :)

I am home today. I did not want to take a day off from work, but I did not sleep all night, and still having some issues eating anything. I am going to go to the doctor today, just to be on the safe side. I also took the time to go to the motor vehicle to get my license changed, and social security. I wondered why all the people looked dirty and smelled of cigarettes. Where are all the people like myself? I just dont understand it.

I was thinking about a lot today, while I had all that time to wait. When I was spending the last week with my parents I was irritated by my mothers submissive behavior toward my father. It has always been something that has irritated both me and my sister. Getting up to get him anything he wants during a meal, allowing him to watch whatever he wants at any volume he wants, and only talking about things that would interest him. It is nauseating just thinking about it. So I am laying in bed with Jw, and he is watching football, as he says to me, "you dont even like football do you"? I hate football, really any sports I could do without. He says something like you never even ask to change it. I would not ask because it makes him happy, I want him to be happy, I can entertain myself just with the thoughts in my head and nothing else, so if he wants to watch football I am ok with that. So as I begin to realize I am just like my mother, my thoughts come to a screeching halt. NOOOOOOOOO I cant be just like my mother. I can not be so willing to give up whatever for someone elses happiness. And then more self discovery of how my sister and I always both insisted we would Never be like that, submissive and almost servant like to a man. And I never was in my marriage, and perhaps that is why there was no sexual chemistry after awhile or perhaps that is why I lost interest in him and always sought out Dominant men. ( That, and that fact his dick did not work). This pattern in my behavior is so intriguing to me. My sister, at least in my view, has managed to blend a level of submissive behavior with behavior that is self serving. Has she found the Holly Grail? I dont even think twice about submissive behavior with men, it does not even occur to me that I dont ask for what I might want most of the time. It is natural to give him what he needs. With everything else in my life, I am as dominant as you could imagine. I natural leader with a passion for fighting for what is right and fair. Perhaps that is how I have managed to balance it for me. Eye opening to say the least.

Jw did come over last night. It made me beyond thrilled to get his yes response to my text of are you still coming? I was really missing him and he was on my mind a lot over the past week. He walked in and we kissed. Good sexy kissing, I liked it and I let go for a second and went with it and then I felt very awkward. Like did I just do that?

We talked for a bit, and I am feeling much more comfortable with him, not totally comfortable, but more and more. I was laying on the couch when he came over and sat down next to me. I felt like crying the whole night and I am laying there trying not to cry. It was stupid. I was so happy to see him, and content to be there with him, and I was teary eyed. For no conscience reason I want to cry. I tell Jw that i feel like crying, and he drops his pants and has me suck his dick. PERFECT! There was nothing else anyone could do at that point, but put a dick in my mouth to stop by irrational emotional downward spiral. And it did. I loved his dick in my mouth I wanted it, I loved it, I just really liked sucking his dick. We start fucking on the couch. Him on top of me, and me with in my zone. It felt like forever since we had had sex, and my body was starving for the release. I am aware that we are on the couch and I feel like my pussy is going to start squirting, it was stressing me out a little bit, and as hard as I tried to control it I could not stop it. After a good long time of fucking me on the now wet couch we went upstairs. As boring as it sounds, fucking in the bed is better. Better angles, and no worries about wetting anything. I keep water proof covers on the bed, and good thing. I feel like my body is going to explode. And as soon as his dick slips out of my pussy, I start to squirt over and over again. I am soaked, the bed is soaked, and I put my hand down on my pussy to feel it squirt - fucking awesome. Sometime after more fucking he comes in me. I will be sad when I am not pregnant and we have to talk and think about birth control, because it is the best thing ever to have him cumming in me. I need to change the sheets, so I do that and we lay down, close to him. I was more comfortable with that too. I did not have to over think it, I just really took time to enjoy the way he felt next to me. About midnight, the Jamaican stopped by to give me his sample for the dna test, while Jw slept upstairs. That was weird. I quickly shuffled him out of my house.

Today I went to get my blood drawn for the DNA test. A colassal pain in my ass. I left work at 3 and just got in from that shit. Not only was it logistical a pain in my ass, but seriously made me feel like this might be my punishment for being a whore. 8 days I should have an answer!

So in between my shuffling the blood from lab to fed ex my girlfriend called me and I proceeded to break down. I pretty began with normal conversation and quickly turned into my unloading of all the shit, big and little that has been stressing me out. The short list....

My house is not put together yet

Having to wait for the Jamaican to find time to paint

The fear of Jw not being the father of the baby

The fear of being alone here with an infant

The fucking bullshit at work that wont end till after christmas

My slowly loosing my mind

feelings - I am so scared to admit to how I feel about people (cant even type it)

Money

my daughter

this fucking house i want nothing to do with (the old one)

was T right, do I make Jw feel like I dont want to kisss him too?

Child care - finding it, paying for it.

Feelings of being unworthy. Unworthy to be loved or be shown affection

The baby - looking forward to my appointment next week to hear the heartbeat again - That makes everything stressful go away.

So pretty much everything is stressing me out. I would love to go to bed now, but I have a conference with my kids teacher... at 820... wtf I should be asleep. And because the Jamicain had to come late to give me his sample I did not get to sleep till like 1 with left me with 6 hours to sleep. I am not good with out sleep.

I do feel better after a good freak out to my girlfriend. Just a low moment in the fun days of pregnancy. I keep telling myself - this will all come together. That is how life works. Im just trying to let myself cry when I need to and keep on trucking.

I am feeling better physically, but I have been a crying mess all day. I started my morning watching Oprah and her talking about feelings and it just kind of went down hill from there. I have cried and commercials on tv, songs on the radio, just about everything.

I did get a dna sample from young boy. I drove over there to get it. He is so distraught by the whole thing, he was very stressed out. I was very weirded out. It was like this is not my life like I was watching someone else step into his apartment and read him the directions to the test. This could not be me, this does not match of how I live in my head, but there I was watching him swab his check for his dna sample. He sealed that bag, I said "thank you" and walked out the door. Sad that is hopefully last time I will see him, but that it ended so poorly. Rather he acted so cruelly. Like someone on Oprah said this morning , "Come from a place of understanding, we are all just doing that best that we can".

The Jamaican was suppose to be here at 5 to give me his sample. He just called me with more excuses. I started crying on the phone and told him it would be fucking nice if he told me he was going to do something he would follow through and do it. He has a bad habit of that shit, I hate that shit. Not following through on what you say you are going to do it about that most anger inducing thing I can think of. I am sick of it and I am, and have been for a few weeks sick of him. Im just tired of him. And since he initiated his divorce I feel like he wants more time, more affection with me and I am not into it. I dont love him like that.

I think I am there, I just want to be left alone. Now having said that, Jw suppose to come down tonight. I always say suppose to because I feel like I am always waiting for the plans to be cancelled, that priorities to change, etc., I do want to see him. I miss him. I feel a little bad, because I am pretty sure I will end up crying again tonight, which I am sure does not make him real comfortable. I am just so emotional. This past week, has been a VERY lonely one. Watching all the families and couples, and being alone has been hard, not even my blog to comfort me. I am so afraid about how I feel, and what the next year of my life will be like. So best case scenario, Jw is the father... then what? I dont know how to do this, I just dont understand how that works. I want to know what it looks like, what to expect, so I dont feel crushed later on. I am so emotional today! I really need someone to just tell me it will be ok, and mean it, like mean it enough I can believe them.

I am still so angry with the Jamaican, he said he will stop by later after work to do the sample like midnight. I think he did that because he assumed he would be fucking me, as I told him earlier that I would not be fucking him this afternoon. I am not in the mood to fuck him. I only fuck him out of necessity. There is no need right now.

Im back. A very long week in Disney with my parents and daughter. So much time to think, and relax, and no good looking men to look at. I was really surprised by the lack of black people I cam across, I just assumed that it would be a mix of races there, but it was 70% white american, followed by white people from other countries. Very Very few hispanic or black people. In our resort in the week I was there only on black man I came across as a quest. In the parks maybe 3 or 4 a day. Bizarre to me. Sometimes as I waited in line, I just looked around and paid attention as to who was there, Just all white families.

On the Last day, we stayed at the resort, and to my surprise all the men working doing some painting were black. I have to admit, I did enjoy that, been so long since I had any sexual feeling seeing strong black men working perked me up. No worries of me getting any strange dick down there, your parents and daughter or the best cock blocks ever. I had intentions of trying to get out on my own for a night or two while i was down there, but I dont think I realized just how exhausting that place is. It was nice and a great experience for my daughter but I am in no hurry to go back.

As I was down there I had so much time to think about who would I like to be here with? That question stayed with me for most of the week. I just kept thinking Thank God I did not come here with my ex, because I would have lost it on him. There is a lot of logistical things to know and figure out, people buy whole books about disney and study them, he would have become easily frustrated and threw everything on me, much like my parents did. They are happy to wander about in life and I need to plan and not miss out on things because I did not put any forethought into it.

I was glad I was fine on the plane. I did not really have any anxiety at all, but on the way home I got sick. I think from food poisoning at this point, but I have been in bed since we got in last night and as soon as I type this I am heading back there. Not the most ideal way to end my week, but maybe my body just making sure I get the rest I needed. I have lost track of how many weeks pregnant I am, 14 or 15, and will be doing the paternity tests this week. I have had so many mixed emotions about that. Part of me does not want to do it, but with out I can not plan anything, I cant think about anything, too many unknowns. So I am moving forward with that.

I spent the day yesterday with my family. As I continue on with our traditions for the holidays, it is hard to explain where my daughters Daddy is. It makes me a little sad, but all the sight seeing, day trips, and events we go to, were more because I wanted to, not him. If he went at all he was just a pain in the ass the whole time. Anyhow it was nice to have me life continue you and enjoy the same things we always have in our own way.

I got to say one more time the motel sex is still on my mind. Wishing I could see Jw one more time before I leave. I am already envisioning seeing him next week. And I am really looking forward to it. He left a mark on my neck. As he held my head down by pulling my hair while he was on top of me, I knew he would leave a mark there, I loved that I felt so owned that second - it was the feeling of my body belongs to you, do with it what you will. It is an amazing feeling. So having said that there is the reality that I am spending the next week with my parents with this mark on my neck. As I even think about it I got irritated that my parents are so overbearing and try to stifle me all the time. If my mom would have seen it yesterday she would have given me a look, the silent treatment, and told me at the end of the day how "trashy" I look. If my dad would have seen it, he would overt eye contact for the rest of the day, and told my mom how trashy I looked, and he would not speak to me. I got to audibly remind myself - I am an adult! But again there is not better feeling than use my body, mark my body, I belong to you.

I am going on vacation for a week. Im a more than a little nervous about the flight, after that i should be ok. It will be difficult for me not to blog for the week but perhaps I need a week to check out of my life.

I do need some assistance with my computer. Any Mac Experts? I need someone who knows there way around Mac and best ways for media storage and having ability to access them quickly in an application like imovie. I feel like I want the application and all of the clips stored on the external drive, so I dont slow down my computer. Can I do that? Part of my issue is that I can not edit clips after they are off the drive and then it is difficult to find them again on the external. Never ends. Anyway, I am open to options.

I saw Jw last night. I was able to meet him closer to where he lives. We actually met at the place D and I used to go all the time. I always do enjoy the quiet time in the car on the way up there, but I could not quite compose myself last night.

Earlier in the day I had an ultrasound, which was incredible to see the little tiny blob from a month and a half ago now a fully formed baby, jumping and moving in my body, but I also had a blood draw too. Blood draws are ridiculous difficult for me. My veins are small and they roll and even if they get one it usually stops providing blood after one tube. During the multiple sticks to get this blood, I begin to cry, mainly because it hurts, but the anxiety of some prior horrible experience makes it very emotional. That was kinda of the turning point.

In the car I cried and cried and cried, I thought about the baby I was looking at on the screen and in amazement how I really have a baby in there. I cried about a pregnancy from when I was 17 that I aborted, and how 15 years later I still grieve for that. I cried because I pray everyday my sister will be able to have a baby, I cried because sometimes when I think about the love my family has for each other it is overwhelming. I cry for many reasons, none because I am unhappy or even particularly sad. I tried to cry it out, I called a bunch of people to talk it out. Nothing really worked. I thought I was ok when I got there. I got in the room and as his big dick is there in front of me, I say "i need a minute" and I am crying! I could not compose myself as hard as i tried and if I had any thought at all more crying ensued. He laid there naked under a sheet and I sat up sobbing, but smiling at times. He looked over at me with this unsure smile, I laughed and said dont look at me. Little hard for me to stomach that kind of weakness in myself. I dont usually have difficulty keeping composure in front of people. Maybe I needed 20 minutes of telling myself as soon as I get a dick in my mouth all the emotions will go away, kept telling myself suck it up until you get the dick and then you will be fine. And I was.

There is something I like I about motel sex. Something felt very good as I was sucking his dick, which felt good. I was not really nauseous and at all for the first time in a long time, and I just liked the way his dick felt in my mouth. For a brief moment I began to feel like myself again. The was just fantastic, and just what I needed it to be. Im not having all that much sex at all lately, so I am grateful he fucks me for so long. I cant stress enough the utter bliss I get when he is fucking me hard. I love that hard fucking. Just fantastic, and made me feel so much more calm. There was no need to cry after that. I do think about how fucking me when I am very pregnant will go. I fucked a few times toward the end of my first pregnancy but not a lot. I barely remember it . Sex is really feeling good, my pussy is really wet, and everything feels more sensitive. I am really glad i went up there last night, although driving home was a challenge, I am not used to late nights anymore.

Spent some time laying in bed with Jw. I defiantly touched him more than I am used to. Mainly because I was really cold and his body heat was my only source of warmth. It was a nice way to get used to touching someone and them touching me. It is so crazy, the submissive slut, cant be touched. It was nice though as I get close to him intertwining our bodies, it felt peaceful and I did not feel awkward touching him. (That just made me tear up). How I so wish I could touch people with no thoughts about it. That if the desire for me to touch him, or kiss him, or lick his body, I could just do it. I could not think about it and just fucking do it already. Im still on a journey in life, I guess if I keep working at it, it will get better - and it has gotten better. There was a time in my life that I would be able to do any touching. I feel like a I need that exposure therapy to touch for a long weekend, just forcing me to touch people and people touch me so I can get the fuck over this. But the point was is that I did not feel awkward during this time, I felt very content.

I do have some anxiety about flying on Sunday. I am not sure I mentioned it, but I am going on vacation. I have not flown in 15 years, planes are still a source of fear for me, and the thought of being stuck on an airplane with no medication is scary to me. Beyond scary. I keep saying my positive affirmations and thinking the positive thoughts. It will be fine.

I got too much to do today to keep up the self contemplation. I got to go.

"You are such a smiley person, what makes you smile all the time" my trainer says to me. I was in such a good mood today, I felt like the happiness was emanating from my soul. I was so peaceful and content, despite the thought of my day of training. Having a break from parenting for 2 days did help a little bit. I have NEVER since I had my daughter, not seen her for 2 whole days. It was ok, I made it through and enjoyed both the alone time and time spent with other adults. And in all that alone time I did not turn to casual sex for entertainment. Thats personal growth and progress ! Good for me!

There was a very attractive young black man in training today, but he appeared to be lazy and a little stupid, so I quickly lost interest. I dont know how I passed the time, but I did, with minimal fantasizing about the very nice ugly woman.

I took some time to stop at the electronic store for something to help me get my computer back where i need it. I think I might need to hang out there more. The amount of sexy black men walking in and out of the store was astonishing. On the way home I drove past someones house who I fucked once. I thought for about 2 seconds about do I want a quickie, but I did not. Too much effort, for something I did not really want. I only considered it, because I am leaving for the week on Sunday Morning and I am little scared Jw on this past sunday will be the only dick I will be getting for 2 weeks. That is a little scary. Very scary more like it.

Someone called me today from a blocked number during training, this is how D usually calls me. Blocks his number (like I dont have all of his information from the back ground check I did on him... I can call his home, his wife, his in-laws if I wanted to). They left a message. My heart stopped because I was not even sure I wanted to hear the message if it is from him. And what if he wanted to see me, what would I say, and then I thought let me just delete this damm thing and pretend I never saw it. .......It wasnt him. I was relieved. It was the stupid lab for the paternity test. Another hassle in my life. I dont know how so many people in the world can be so stupid. It is really mind blowing to me. At least 2 out of 5 lacks some kind of very simple common sense, in my opinion anyway.

Starting to feel very pregnant. And I am still trying all kinds of pants trying like hell to wear some pants that dont have an elastic waist. Ultrasound tomorrow.

Woke up this morning feeling like I needed to be fucked. Unfortunately this morning sex thing is an adventure that is just out of my reach at this point in my life. Lucky for me because I wake up so early every morning for no reason, I had plenty of time to take care of myself. Someone once said to me they feel disgusted sometimes after they cum at the things they did. This is how I felt this morning. I was just like dam I must have really needed that. My pussy is very wet now all the time thanks to the pregnancy hormones. Wet is good sometimes, but every morning my pussy feels like someone came all in it and on it, and through out the day I am just like wow. This shit is crazy.

I had to work late tonight, and then me and a new friend of mine went to dinner. I like this girl, she is very down to earth, and I we can talk about sex and all the shit that other people just never get about me. And before you ask - no I am not having a 3 some with her. I just really love having a girlfriend to talk about men, sex, and baby daddys with. From a girl who rarely values a female relationship that is a big step. Not that I am not painfully aware how quickly women can flip the script.

My morning started with the retarded ex dropping some shit on me on my way to work. He fucked up and did not want to care of things so I ended up having to do it to benefit my child. He then called me a bad mother, and told me not to take my hormonal shit out on him becuase he aint the one that knocked me up. I told him to please go away, just leave us alone. I cant fight with this man daily, but more importantly I REFUSE to allow this piece of shit to make me feel bad about who I am. He has done that shit for our entire relationship. I will not take that shit anymore. He keeps pushing me, I am going to push back.

I have training again tomorrow. I am already dreading it. My need for sex is gone tonight, I am interested to see what 5am brings me...it either nothing or some kind of insane need to fuck .

It is only Tuesday and this week has drained me already. I can stress how demanding work has been. It is insane, and is sucking every bit of energy I did have. I keep telling myself, it will be over soon, it will be over soon. I pray to god I make through that shit too.

I should have my paternity test kit tomorrow and then comes the fun of doing that shit. I almost dont want to know. Let me live in sweet oblivion.

I think it is accurate to say I was starving for dick by the time Jw arrived. I did have sex with the Jamaican but that was not fucking - it is more like a snack to hold me over. I am defiantly feeling more comfortable with him. By no means am I relaxed with him, but more comfortable. We were in the kitchen, and his phone kept ringing. I knew who it was and it made me feel bad, not bad enough to do anything but just made me feel bad, partly because I am sure no one enjoys that kind of situation, I sure did not enjoy having to tell a story or half truth just to get out of the house. It sucks, it makes you feel trapped or at least for me, I felt like I could not breathe and I could not keep it up for long.

We went up stairs, after I checked on my daughter, I find him naked in my bed. I know where to start, and I get my mouth on his dick. Not long before I am like fuck this and I am saying "can you please just fuck me", with severe desperation in my voice. I love that he did not hesitate to get up and do that. And like the gates of heaven open before me my body begins to feel the overwhelming sense of out of my mind pleasure. It is not like he is even there with me. For the first bit of it I am in my own world, and I love it so much. We fucked a long time, and he seems to fuck me a little faster and intensely for a few minutes then he usually does and it feels Fabulous! The fucking was just a little bit more gentle last night, and I was fine with that, I needed the basic fucking more than I need anything else. My tits still are unbelievably sore - like shards of glass piercing them is what it feels like at times. He did make me get on top of him. I dont know why I resist it soo much like I do, because I really do love it, once I get into it. I will start to get to it and I will go inside of myself for a moment, again where no one else exists and then I come to and see him and get embarrassed a little, get shy, feel really out of place and unskilled. I wish I was SKILLED at that. It just made me feel good last night it was just what I needed. I was feeling so hyper after, like I just got an energy shot but I tried hard to relax and get some sleep. He is close to me in my bed, his head resting on my tits and I begin to feel a little teary eyed. I love this, I love this feeling of this man close me, my body touching his. I never would move if I could help it, but I cant lay or sit still for very long ever, so even as I soak in every moment of this closeness, I constantly need to move, or get up and pee or do something. I fall asleep at some point and I hear him get up and I know he is getting ready to leave, I start to think about getting more dick. I am barely awake but I want more, I know I want more, but I am not quite all the way with it enough to speak or think clearly, I just keep thinking I want it, where is he? And then I hear the shower turn on and I know I have already missed my chance for more sex. And was so sad. I remain sad as I fade in and out of sleep. I never fully go back to sleep after that and when he leaves I lay in bed trying to determine when can I have more dick because I need it now, I almost wanted to call him and beg him to come back. I got to mitigate the damage control - so in my mind I run through possible places I could get some dick, and then I get frustrated and go for the magic wand. It takes a very long hour to cum only 2x with the help of my own porn and then as a last ditch effort porn hub. I was so emotional this morning, as I drive to work, I thought to myself was I really crying over dick. I was. So emotional this past week, so very emotional.

This afternoon I am wonderfully content, but I am thinking about if I can get away and see him this week. It is so hard to get away in my life, it is frustrating, but it looks like the stars might line up just right for me to get out of my house for a few hours... I wonder if he will even want to see me again so soon?

Tonight I am alone and trying to relax, I need to learn to how to do it. I am really exhausted but I want to try to do something I enjoy, other than sex. And alone time gives me some perspective on what is happening in my life, and where I need to be and where i need to go.

There just comes a point in life where you got to just stop whining and do it. I have been tired and putting off lots of things that need to be taken care of. So today I did it. My day started at 6am and and 9pm I am just sitting down here to recoup from the bullshit of the day. It may sound stupid but dragging a five year old all over, to return things to 6 different places, get a winter coat, buy groceries, the home store, get my glasses adjusted, get gas, clean the car, my moms my sisters and home again. Not a fun day but need to be done. The last half of which I spent crying or trying very hard not to cry.

I took my daughter to my old house. I had to go there and she has been asking me to go back. It was all I had to keep a smile on my face and support her in her grieving. Im not sad for me, but i am sad about the loss of a "home" for her. I am working very hard to make this house feel like her home, it is not easy though.

We did not stay there long, we went to my moms and I told her to go ahead in while I make a phone call, and I cry in the car. I am so hurt, right down to my soul this shit hurts. I can not go back to that house. I got to be done with it. That house is like an open wound. I try to compose myself and cant, I get out of my cry and take a walk back in the woods. Thinking about how much I miss my parents house, and how nice it was to play out in the woods, and how I miss the way it smells out here, the silence, the peaceful feeling. I end up in my dad's garage looking for something, and loose control of my emotions, I just feel like I could collapse from all the sadness. I spend a lot of time out side alone until I can walk into my moms house and not cry in front of my daughter. It took me awhile to gain perspective, but I did. I know some of this is normal grieving and some of this is hormonal stuff. You can feel hormones, or at least I can. Hormonal crying is different for me then normal crying, there is more of an intensity about it, a never ending sobbing to it. Spending some time with my sister got my mind back to focus. Sometimes I need to be reminded just to enjoy the simple things in life. I never take time to relax, I need to.

During my day, I keep thinking of Jw, and how I have the I want you now greeting in my head and what would it look like for me to act on how I feel, but we know that will not happen. He asks me to wear a thong. There is always a catch isn't there. I would prefer almost anything to wearing a thong or any other similar clothing designed for some other reason the functionality. I am more about the function than the form, but I am going to try. I am really going to try.

Last night I was laying in bed very early. Watched a movie - Boys on the Side, and tear jerker. I was agitated because of the conversation with my ex husband earlier and I never had a chance to finish the conversation. I hate when people wont talk about a problem. Frustrating to no end. So he called to talk to my daughter, she was a sleep but he wanted to talk about the house, and the conversation went well. I had to tell him how he is going to have to stop making comments about my being pregnant. He apologized to me for hurting my feelings and we talked about why his life is so dysfunctional. He has never been good at money management as evidenced by his state of homelessness when I met him. I managed every dime that passed through his hands since we moved into together. So for 15 years all he did is hand over his paycheck and I made that money work for us. So I am not really surprised he is having money issues, but it makes me sad. And this is a problem for me. I become a slave to the people I love. All people I love. The ex and I have not had romantic love for a VERY long time, but I do love him like his is my brother would be a good example. I want the best for him, I want to see him happy, I dont want to see him struggle. So it hurts to see him destroying his life and have to sit on the sideline and watch. Now by no stretch of the imagination would I ever want to turn back time and change the way this has all ended up. I am beyond relieved that I am no longer married to that man. My spirit is beginning to heal from all the years of trying to be something I am not. And to clarify that, the ex always tried to "fence me in". I can not be contained. I will not be contained. He would not allow me to explore who I am, decide what was right and wrong for me, to find my way in life where ever it may have led. He was scared of loosing me most of the time and that came across in purposeful humiliation and degradation with words and with holding of affection. I always felt like it will get better once I take enough drugs, or once I get over this sex addiction, or once I have a baby ...it will get better. My mom said to me " how is gods name did you manage to live with that for 15 years"....."I ate a lot, I fucked a lot, I acted out a lot and I worked a lot". I am so glad it is over! I need to try to pull back my desire to help and let him find his own sense of happiness with out me picking up the pieces for him.

After I talked to him, the tears and emotions came like a flood, and I laid in that big lonely bedroom and sobbed. And then I felt better. I woke up feeling a little more empowered about my life. I am feeling better this last week or so and it has made a huge difference in my mood. I am finally able to start unpacking some of the things I have been missing, like books and photos, hanging stuff on the walls. Slow Long Process but it feels good to start making this place feel like a home.

Waiting for see Jw tomorrow. It has been so long since I have seen him. Almost two weeks I think. Seems like forever, I just remember the image of him dipping out of my room in the middle of the night. I have been watching our videos, which defiantly make me miss him. Every time he fucks me it feels very different. I love the first video of the first time we met, on the slutblog called 4 year wait, I like watching it, first I like the way I sound, and the feeling of satisfaction in my moans. A moan that sounds to me like- Oh that dick feels perfect in my cunt.

I like knowing we were pretty much complete strangers at this time. Something about that fact I did not know this man at all and watching him fuck me really turns me on.

Im watching some of my own porn as I write this so I am sure I will be distracted.

Today has been a ROUGH day! A day that I would have loved to end with an ativan, a dinner out and some good fucking... but in my reality has ended with shitty dinner my kid wanted dance class and homemade porn watching.

I woke up 5am sharp for no fucking reason at all, and thought it better to get up and be productive then lay in bed. I was exhausted by the time I got to work. Work is no joke now a days. we have some intense inspections happening and the big bosses are there like every day fucking up my day. Work has turned into real work, although I now after the first of the year we will back to the job I love.

I have some bill issues with my old house. The electric. As Per the divorce agreement I pay 30% of all bills he pays 70%, I have been telling him for 3 months about the electric, and today they wanted to shut it off. He gives me an attitude and tells me he will pay half and a lot of other bullshit which I have been angry about all day but as I sit down to vent about it does not seem as important. He is crazy and stupid and he is going to have to stop making me feel bad about being pregnant he has said so much ignorant shit about it. Today he says laughing at me "how are you going to take care of another child" and as I say the baby's father and I will work that out, he laughs. I say a few things that have been on my mind and he eventually pulls off in an asshole move.

Im just beyond stressed about life today feeling a little low like I need a hug, someone to hold me, someone to keep me company, support me and love me.

Let me first say I am feeling somewhat weird about talking about Jw on here, or rather my feelings about Jw. I am not sure why, there is an aspect to privacy to that I like when it does come to real feelings maybe. I am not sure really. Jw called me this afternoon, I was glad to hear from him but it could not have been a more hectic time. I had just picked up my daughter and she is demanding of my time, of course, and I was feeling a little bit like a high school girl whose crush just called her. And my I am worried about getting a ticket for being on the phone, lol it was a mess, but I was not hanging up that phone. I liked that he called and I liked talking to him. He said something that I am still laughing about. In reference to yesterdays post about me wanting to dip into a closet with a security guard..."whats wrong with you" in a comedic way - or so I think. Sometimes I seek out sexual adventures, sometimes they pan out - like the Tito the guy who delivered my armoire, there was such intense chemistry, I signed for the delivery and then like 30 seconds later we were on the floor fucking. It was fantastic. And I still see him around town a few times a years. Sometimes sexual adventures do not come as hard as I seek them. It is like when I try to hard I fuck up all the energy and end up with nothing. I need something like gay-dar, but for sluts. That would be awesome, but sadly no one really wants to be identified as a slut or a lover of sluts in the real world.

Back to the ugly woman from my training, Jw did not understand my desire to look at this woman or my desire to see her get fucked. It was the fact she was / is so sexless, that she looks like a frumpy, mommy with low self esteem. You put a dick in her mouth and tie her up she looks the a big black cock queen and becomes hot! Or at least in my mind that is how it works. It is boring as hell there, she was the only person in the room I could work up any kind of fantasy about. At the risk of being called a racist because sometimes i say things and people are not always ok with it, there are this type of black woman that turns my stomach. And there are always many of them in the training. About Mid forties, always seem to wear skirts, lots of afro centric clothing, natural hair or wrapped in some kind of giant hair wrap, over annunciates everything, needs to answer every thing question with some kind of racial based bullshit, and looks down on everyone else as evidenced by eye rolling, teeth sucking, or saying some dumb shit under their breath. So with that or the whitely from a different world want to be with her tits hanging out and her fucked up face, or the sammy davis jr look alike, or Marisa the hispanic women with very poor manners and difficulty sitting for 2 minutes with out rushing to the hallway to take a phone call. The ugly woman was my best option for entertainment.

Jw asked me if I could not fuck til I see him again, I laughed a little to myself. It amused it me a little to hear him ask me. Of course I cant wait for him- sometimes self control does not occur to me.

In other news I am so emotional today. My daughter was crying this morning about missing the fireplace in our old home, and I help her with those feelings of loss for all the changes in her life and I spend some time hugging her and letting her cry a little bit, I kiss her good bye and I begin to loose control of my emotions before I even hit the door at school. By the time I get to my car I am wet with tears and I loosing any fight I had to compose myself. I cry for the next 12 minutes as I drive down the highway, and pull it together to walk into work. I cry a little at lunch time for no clear reason, I cried on the way home from work as I talk to my mom. I cried teared up after I got off the phone with Jw and I feel like more sobbing will be on its way as I climb into bed. I not sad as much as I am just emotional. I feel like crying now just watching my daughter play just because she makes me happy.

I am grateful for the end of this week, but a little scared of the busy one that lays before me. Hoping my energy level stays high like it has been.

I am glad I am finally able to relax for a minute. I had to go to a local college today for a training. You might think there would be many young black men eager to fuck there - but no. Not where I live. I saw 2 black men, and I was there all day. I know there are a few black security guards I saw last time, who I would have loved to dip into a closet with, but today nothing. I have been doing this training for like 2 years, it is a long series, and it is with mostly the same people. There is this one woman, she is in her late 30s, about 5'10, probably a size 16/18, she dresses very frumpy, her clothes are very poor fitting and very cheap. She looks sexless to look at her. And I look at her all the time. Frankly she is ugly, there is nothing cute about her. Her hair is disheveled and poorly dyed, he teeth are kind of weird, they protrude a lot when she smiles. Anyway, to be clear I am not judging just painting a picture for you. So her breast and mouth and eyes get me everytime. Her tits are like a DD or DDD and they are heavy and the swing a lot. They are not perky at all - they look like a mother's breast do, but I like them. I really like them. I look at them all the time. I am half tempted to take a pic of her with my phone, but I could never be so bold. Her face makes me want to see her with a big black dick in it. It must be black, she has never seen a black dick before, or at least this is what I imagine and I think about her being tied down and gang banged. These fantasy get me through the brutality of the boring lecture.

In the mean time I am texting Jw, which leads to some intense desire to fuck, as I am walking back to class I see one of the 2 black students and I give him "the look" but no response. That is a hard feeling to fight, the need to fuck right now feeling. I been feeling like I want to be bent over anything and fucked for the last few days. I decided I might just need to hit the restroom and see if I can just take the edge off so i can get thought the rest of this bullshit. On my way to the bathroom, this old black man who reminded me of Sammy Davis Jr. stopped me to talk about the area from which we are from and the challenges that face us in our line of work... and so on and so on. Like 15 mins of idle chit chat, which I did not mind he was nice enough, but he ate up all my free time to take care of me. I give up on it and walk back in the the classroom and continue my fantasizing.

I talk to Jw more about a threesome and when he last fucked his girlfriend. I like to imagine Jw fucking his girlfriend. I dont know why. Part of me likes the idea of seeing a couple who live together fucking. It is such a foreign concept for me to live with someone who you fuck. I desperately want to have that kind of built in dick and I love the idea that there is still desire to fuck after being with someone for so long. I dont know if people in relationships feel that way, but as an outsider looking in it looks good to me. And thinking about him touching her excites me, not sure if it is her or any women. That is a new feeling, the thought of D touching someone else mad me feel different and was not a good feeling. Same with my ex husband. I have to think more about that and what i like specifically.

After training, I stop to get some milk and bread and rush home. I have 15 minutes before my dr. appt tonight but i need to cum. I run upstairs and marathon masturbate. 3 minutes later the blissful waves of orgasm wash over my body. I pull my pants up and run out the door to the doctor.

I get to hear the baby's heartbeat again, it makes me feel so peaceful. I love that sound.

So back at the house and I need to check out the bangmyslut post again, I just love seeing that shit up there, and I get to blog.

I need to make dinner still, and take care of the everyday bullshit. The Jamaican called to tell me he might get done work early tonight, which means he will call me to see if I am awake to he can stop by for sex. Well see. Im not feeling it right this second, but we will see.

The other day when my ex saw him standing in my kitchen I wondered today if he remembered him. He had in fact met him before 3 1/2 years ago. We were moving out of our house and the Jamaican pulled in my driveway to ask something I dont remember what, but as my husband loaded the truck 25 feet away I told the Jamaican to pretend like I was giving him directions and I would write my number down and to call me later. I am so bold sometimes. I remember his face was like am I on candid camera... but he called me and that is how we met.

I feel like I need to say more, but I am running out of time tonight, and feeling in a hurry. I cant think right like that. And I have already been sitting here almost 30 minutes.

Just getting into tonight, I spent some time with my girlfriends, which was much needed! I am not really a person that values many female relationships. Women are hard to get along with and they find it harder to accept women who live like I do. So the few women in my life accept me and love me without judgement, and that is why there is so few of them. Of the 4 or 5 close girlfriends I have, none of them would ever do the shit I do, and it makes me laugh when men ask me if I have friends like myself. In case you have not noticed I am one of a kind. I am not like any other woman I have ever met. Even other women I have met in the lifestyle are different then me. I had a really nice time, and caught myself smiling all alone on the car ride home.

So I have had some interesting conversations with Jw. About feeling and what not. My feelings of Jw have defiantly changed over time. I just think about how I was so uncomfortable I was with him, how irritated I once was with him, and now I think about how I want to see him. I lot I want to touch him. I want to explore me how I feel when he touches me. I most defiantly had the wrong first impression of him. I really felt like he was (and I know this is harsh) moral-less, and would do anything just to fuck someone. I really missed judged him. He defiantly is more respectful of people and kinder than I would have imagined at one time. I am worried about feelings changing and growing - it scares the hell out of me. In the last few months 3 serious relationships came to end for me. My marriage ( a 15 year relationship), my kids father, D (a 9 year relationship, and T a short lived but emotionally intense experience. Any wonder why I am a little gun shy. I also what to trust my heart, I want to be confident that I when I feel things it is because it is true and real, not for any other reason. I feel like I am always defending my feelings to I dont know who - maybe myself.

In pregnancy news, I can feel my breast tingling a lot. It is a feeling that you get during breast feeding, it is unmistakable. My body is preparing for that, and I am looking forward to all the fun times that will bring. Exciting. Last pregnancy about 22 weeks I had some milk, although it does not come in until 2 days after birth, when my tits will look AMAZING and perky because they will be filled to the brim with milk. That sadly will only last a few days, but I swear I am taking mad pics this time. I am also having some difficulty breathing. I dont know if it hormones which do cause that or asthma that pregnancy can make worse or better. Last pregnancy ended any problems with asthma I had and I have not had any problems since, but just so breathless, I had trouble speaking to to groups during work today. Going to the doctor tomorrow, I am sure he will make me do all kinds of test to ensure everything is good.

I am still feeling really grateful and really excited about life all of a sudden. I need to write about it every second I feel it. I am at my desk, still grinning, feeling good, and very content. It is such an amazing feeling. If you feel never take it for granted.