My last post of the year. My New Year Tradition has turned out to be quiet retrospective time, in my home, with my family. This year is no different. Baking, game playing and looking back on all bright spots and low spots of the year. My year has been shaped by people, well men. I am going to start there, as they tend to be my emphasis in my life anyway.

THE EX

He let me go or pushed me away, either way he freed me. I began this year trying to expand my family with him, and end it living apart, divorced, and liking him more than I have in many many years. I don't think I saw the utter necessity of the divorce on Mother's Day when he told it was ending, but now I see the divine grace that was in play there. Thank you God for helping me with that change.

D (my daughter's father)

Last January began our 5 month attempt to have another child together. As I began to see more of D than I had in the last year, I began to see something I did not like about him, and our relationship became very much like a stale marriage. I clung to him as tight as I could because he held the key to my peace - a child. And when my marriage ended, and we had "the talk" laying on his brothers apartment floor - our relationship ended too. I am disappointed in D as a man, and as my friend. I dont think I ever loved someone as much as I loved him and with as much unconditional force. A year ago, I thought I would die with out him, that I would die for him, and today, he is a memory, and that kind of raw love feel impossible to achieve.

T( first relationship after separation)

T helped me remember how love feels. He reignigted a fire in me. Love can be wonderful and I really did forget that. He opened my eyes to lots of things and reaffirmed things I already knew of myself. He broke my heart too, but without that loss other things in my life would not have been possible.

Young Boy "YB" (the unborn child's father)

We began the year with an easy fun friendship, that consisted only of laughter and orgasm and we have ended me needing to threaten harassment charges. I dont know what purpose this child has in my life or mine in his, and why on earth God has chosen this for me, but I continue to preserver with my calm forgiving stance with this boy, in hopes at some point we can learn how to interact with each other and we can find a solution that suites both of us. If not, I believe that will his burden to bear in life, not mine.

Jw

Might be the straw the broke the camels back. I have not yet heard from him, so I would say the options there are, he is dead, he is severely injured, he is ignoring me because he got to a point where he cant handle me or my life or some other woman has caught his attention. So you see not looking good. Im sad about that, whatever the reason. I feel a little embarrassed, a lot, that I fell for another man. Embarrassed I love him, and I sit alone feeling so lost and I still love him. This feeling of being ignored is pushing my limits and making me feel a little like none of it was real. Which begins the process of thought - why would someone want to hurt me? And if you need to hurt my feelings why not do it easily, at once and not like pulling a band aid off slow and painfully while I try to figure out what is going on. I hope there is some better explanation for being stood up and ignored, but I doubt it. And with that, the camels back has been broke.

Im done. Men have tortured my soul ENOUGH, and 2011 has been particularly bad. This is why since I have been 19 I have not had intimacy. This is why I don't kiss people. This is why I don't let myself go. Doing that opens my heart and then I end up here. I hope that there is some silver lining to all the shit I put myself through, and I hope my holly grail makes his apperance sometimes in 2013. I need a year off.

The UpSide of 2011

I survived.

I survived with very little help!

I am having the baby I have longed to have for five years.

I have not needed any meds to survive.

I treated people how I would want to be treated.

I loved.

I loved with all my soul and experienced incredible feelings I thought were lost forever.

I finally took a vacation.

I grew as a person. I let go of somethings I needed to.

I have a more intense understanding of my parents love and generosity.

I feel closer to God.

I made some new friends.

Im ending this evening a little unsure, and little heart broken, and darn close to breaking my my no crying streak. Looking forward to this next year, the new experiences, and the new chances to make better choices.

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.”

Im not real sure what is happening this evening. Jw is not the most reliable person as far as timing and logistical things. In fact sometimes I wonder how exactly his world flows. He was suppose to give me a time for tonight yesterday, but he did not, I was not giving it to much thought as I know how he is. So as I sit her at 6:50p I am assuming he fell asleep, or one of the other many possibilities (none of which are good) I have thought of while I watch the time go by. I am really irriatated. Fucking with my time is pretty much my deal breaker. When you show no value for my time, then I have a problem falling into submission. Im not crying, I am not even sad. Im more angry than anything. Like real fucking angry. It is just turning into exactly what my life had been before. Less than treatment, fit you in when I can, if the mood strikes me, I give all and get back some. Not working for me anymore. It really is not. The utter devotion, love and lust the overcomes me, that I freely and as openly as I can throw upon people is just not appreciated as I feel like it should. I don't really feel like I am unreasonable at all. I feel like in comparison to all the women I know I am the most reasonable, down to earth person I know. I must be the most stupid too - how do I manage to keep reliving the same feelings and events over and over again? HOW? Im going to hold some of my feelings back on this one, Im not going there anymore. Or at least tonight. I am not going to play that mind game with myself. It is what it is - and is 7pm with no phone call or text! Enough said.

Other than that bullshit, I still feel really good. Day three of no crying, and feeling like a slightly more tired version of myself. The baby has picked up some strength with his kicks and I am alerted to his presence several times an hour.

I dont have any desire to have sex, or maybe need is a better word. If I had someone here of course there would be desire, but I have no need. It is nice the freedom. There has definatly been a mood shift here, and I am so grateful for it. With my gratitude comes the overwhelming in your face realization, my mania left and so did my creativity. My mind does not work in that engaged intriguel way right now. It is more present, focusing on tasks rather than ideas, on here and now rather than the past and the future. I feel more powerful and less like a victim of my never ending thoughts and my internal sadness. Yes powerful. I love the way I feel today!

I dont ever usually write my blog all in one sitting. Life always interrupts and I need to feel like I finished, for lack of a better term. So with that thought...

A few hours later....

I accept the situation here. Go about trying to make the most of this free time I have found myself with. In my car, I hear a few songs that make me sad. I almost start to cry but I hold back. It was more a cry out of sadness not desperation, but I still did not want to go there. I am sad. For whatever the reason, it hurt my feelings. And the realization that yet again I wait for man, angers my soul. I defiantly begin to descend into my emotions as I sit with acceptance. I don't have the right words, but some kind of act of frustration such as throwing my computer across the room, screaming and transcending in to a sad cry would be about what sums up what I am feeling. Im pretty much too exhausted to expel that much energy, so a documentary about the Buddha and then I am going to bed.

As I began this documentary about the Buddha I was reminded about something someone told me one time about the teachings of the Buddha. Pain is absolute suffering is optional. When we run from our emotion we cause ourselves suffering. If we allow our emotions to wash over us, they come, we feel pain, and they go. The longer we fight, be create our own suffering. Sometimes I think of this as I blog. I try to let my emotions wash over me and leave me while I do this.

I even feel weird writing this, like maybe Jw with not love that I write about him in such an unfavorable light. Even in my anger the thought of hurting his feelings clouds my words. Even as I have been hurt, I would never want to hurt him. I wonder if I will ever loose that kind of compassion or empathy. Sometimes I day dream about revenge and hurting someones feelings like they have mine, but that never makes me feel good, even in the day dream. I am so tired of being hurt, having to be the one to trust blindly. (Scream in frustration) Im so sick of this bullshit! Submission never means accepting less than. It does not mean I have to take the scraps of what someone has left to give me. I need that shit read to me over and over and I need to say it like a mantra until it becomes my words to guide my life.

Im done now.

I had my ultra sound today, where they confirmed it was indeed a boy, and reassured me that everything is perfect! This pregnancy very different then the last, I only go back for one more scheduled ultra sound at 32 weeks. Last pregnancy I had some health issues, and they watched me closer, this one it is kind of like - your fine see you in three months. It is very different. It was wonderful to see the baby, and share that with my daughter. I did not cry - oddly enough. Two whole days of no crying - maybe I have turned the emotional corner. But I dont feel like crying, even when I talk about sad stuff I dont need to cry. I even put myself to the test with the saddest song I could think of "I cant make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt, and I still did not cry. It is nice! I am feeling a bit more energetic, not much but a bit more. Been a good few days.

So still looking forward to this 3 some with Jw tomorrow. Im much less nervous than I was I feel like my mind might have taken a brief break from the intensity I was experiencing. As evidenced by my lack of thought here tonight on this blog. Im not going to complain, I needed the respite!

My goal for yesterday was to get some dick to take care of the waking up in the middle of the night in heat, and to not cry uncontrollable at my ob/gyn appointment.

I set up my dick about 4 so I know I could relax about that. I ended up going over to my old doms house. A few reasons I ended up there. It was easy, it was a sure way to make my body feel at peace, and he knows how my moods do swing and how to push me just far enough. I did tell him he would not be able to cum in me, that I did not want to do that.

I go to my appointment, I am tearful as soon as I get there. My blood pressure is nice and low, my sugar is fine, the baby is exactly the size he should be. All perfect. Way different than the last pregnancy. My doctor was a guy who kind of looks like Mr. Rogers and talks soft and soothing like him too. We talk about the insane stress, my lack of connection with this child, my inability to sleep. I cry a lot. He was very reassuring and kind to me. And reminded me I am half way there. We came up with a plan to deal with some of my issues which I felt was good and I felt good I was able to confide in him some of what was going on. Then I left to get in the car for my stress relief.

I get in the car in my black sweat pants, and long sleeve black v neck, start to cry and I drive to his house. I wanted to go to his house because he has all the tools he needs to take care of me.

So I dont go there to fuck him. The fucking is for him, not for me. What I do go for is pain. To get into a subspace that is very deep and very healing for my mind. Anyhow I look a fucking mess, and I see on his face he feels the same way. We go into the room, and talk a few. He wonders what all the cameras are for, I tell him just let me do what I do.

He says to me, my girlfriend might call, I listen as he lies to his girlfriend. I feel uncomfortable and i start to wonder - what is worse? The girl on the side? or the girl friend being lied to on the regular? I really dont know. I am pretty sure it must be one or the other. Something I have been thinking about.

Anyhow things begin slow. It is almost like therapy there, he is a good listener, and he is older, very father figure. I like. He waits for me to talk about all the nonsense in my life, and waits for me to decide to take off clothes. I begin on my knees on the bed, and he begins to spank me. This is something he is very good at. Never too hard, just a nice sting that builds with intensity and he will add other things. It is good spanking and good pain. I put my head down into the bed and I feel what will be one of the few moments of my mind detaching from my body that night. My mind leaves my body. I can no longer think about anything or speak or hear. I did not get as much as that as i would have wanted, but I was grateful for the few moments I did get. We moved through things we do, the tying down, nipple torture, wax, etc. My pain tolerance was very LOW. Almost embarrassingly low. Im going to blame it on the pregnancy, because i can usually take much more pain, not only take it but I can enjoy it, i can revel in it, I can cum from it. These pregnant tits of mine are not for clothes pins clamps for anything else these days. The pain in not tolerable. I think i even called him by name to tell him to take it off. Not how I would normally act and a little bit shocking considering at one time I would take all direction from him. Either way it ended the way it always does, fisting + vibrator = intense body shaking orgasm. Directly after that I want to leave ASAP - but he needs to cum. So I suck his dick for about a minute just enough to make it hard, and he fucks me. Me on my back him on top of me. It is not bad, I mean it felt good, but I am never wanting it after he takes me to the places I go with the pain. I feel used and abused and spent - this has always been a problem with that situation. Either way he knows he should not be coming in me, and I could tell he was having issue cumming not inside of me, he said something but I insisted he pull it out. He did but I could tell he was not happy about it at all. In his mind I think he feels like he owned it at one time, why should he not be able to do that. i got dressed and bounced. Now home in my shower I feel a little frustrated with myself. i felt like a junkie who just got a fix. I get out of my shower and sitting on my bed I see the marks on my legs, and my tits. It did not make me feel good. It fixed the physiological need for sexual satisfaction, but did not make me feel good about myself or rather I felt like I was not true to what I wanted.

The other day, my daughter and I were out. She gets a lot of attention when we go out. A lot! People touch her hair, try to touch her face, it is crazy sometimes. Sometimes I will put a hat on her just so we dont have to talk to people in the store. But here we are in a store and this guy who is light skin with a tint of red to his hair, starts saying to his young teenage son "would you like to have a baby sister that looks like her" I just smiled and kept walking as he kept talking. I was blocking out a lot of it, but i did hear "nah looks like someone already knocked her up"... really? Like really? This is what I need to hear. Im just trying to buy my baby some furniture and this is what i got to deal with.

With all the excitement of Christmas over, my daughter has resumed back to her normal even self. My have I missed that. I am even feeling more even today. Work was almost peaceful, dare I say it was relaxing. It is nice to be back in my routine. I did not even cry today, I did not even come close to it!!!! Holly Shit - No crying or desire to cry. I love it. I feel almost like myself today. I really miss my old self.

My body is craving dick. I need some but here we go again with the who. I m really in no hurry to call the Jamaican back, I had some new prospects but their not coming to my house, then there is my old Dom who I had intended leaving him a message, but forgot to hit send. But I dont really want to see him either. Its good and all that, it does what it needs to but there was the condom issue. We have not used condom since 2000, so going back to condoms now seems weird, but I don't want him to cum in me. I got issues with people cumming in me... not that you would know that given my recent paternity issues, but I generally am not a fan of it. And it has only been in the last few years I have started to enjoy someone (just a select few) cumming in me. So I don't want him to cum in me, I would prefer a condom, just because I would, but I think I would rather skip the whole issue all together and just wait for the dick. I am also feeling really weird about someone coming over to my house. Even people I know well. My daughter has been very clingy, and wants to be in my room every night, and so that leaves me with the living room. Which is fine, but there are not too many people I would consider letting in my house. This is my sanctuary. However Im waking up with this craving for dick, I got to do something soon.

So the main thing on my mind these few days has been a little difficult for me to acknowledge on here. Im going to have a threesome with Jw and another women. Now I know the both Jw and her read my blog. So every thought I have ever had has been at their disposal. I assume she knows everything about me, she watched me getting fucked on the videos, she reads my blog, and I know nothing but her name. So with that uncertainty comes the amazing visuals and fantasies in my head. I have no shortage of imagination. I don't think Jw even ever described what she looks like, if he did I did not retain that information. So I have created my own image. Not only have I created my own image, I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about this whole thing. I have been having group sex, gang bang, threesomes, foursomes, been with women alone, men alone, been watched while I fuck a man and a women. I am no stranger to having company in the bedroom. I love it, but it has been awhile since I have done these things. I long time! Like since I had my daughter I have had 2 threesomes and if I were to be totally honest the one I am not positive was after my daughter or before. So it has been a laid back 5 years. Not that I stopped loving it, but I was "with" D and he was not all that into sharing, we only did that once early in our relationship, and I could never seem to get the time and or motivation needed to arrange for group anything. I did not really have a Dom doing these things, since D was my focus. The last 2 encounters I remember (and my apologies if you were someone I left out) are 2 guys and me. Which was fucking fantastic and I am still trying (trying very hard TC) to recreate that day. It was defiantly one of the hottest experiences ever. I must say it has been so long I wonder how much of my feelings are embellished by the memory and not being able to get what I want. The other one was an impromptu thing with YB and my ex girlfriend, who is now just my friend. She never had interest in fucking my men when we do that, she just likes to play with me and watch him, maybe a little extra, but thats it. I remember leaving his apartment and we were both like "he is so simple, very immature". He thinks his dick is huge and I would call it average.

Anyway back to the point. Im a little nervous about this for lots of reasons. One is with any event with more than 2 people there is always room for someone to feel left out or not as satisfied, I would prefer that person not be me. I don't know what his conversation about this are with her, I don't know much about any of this, and while that is ok and very arousing it makes me nervous. I do love the added vulnerability and feeling exposed. Exposed by my words that both of them read this and I have NO insight into their darkest secrets and thoughts. And vulnerable because there is a lot of trust in Jw on this one. Some of this may sound ridiculous I realize, but for me to go somewhere I don't know, with someone else driving, leaves me no control, to meet someone I don't know - I got to trust him. Now I know that I must trust him on some level based on lots of things that have happened here, but this is different. This is logistical trust. Trust to drive a car safely, know where you are going, not to put me in unsafe situations. And trust he will makes things go smoothly, you know there wont be any awkward moments, or at least very few. Left to my own devices, nothing would happen, not due to lack of desire but more like a deluge of doubting thoughts and second guessing. Oh I feel crazy as I type that, but these are really the things I think about. I would love to get lost in the play by play of my fantasy on here, but that cant happen being that everyone would read it. Too much pressure, for me included.

After I wrote some of this I saw Jw online and this time I was able to IM with no hesitation, although nervousness. I hate to admit this, acknowledge or have this feeling, but I kinda miss him. Its stupid because the most I ever see of him is once a week, and I think it was a week Sunday, but I just kind of missed him. Its funny I don't know what I missed exactly, hard to miss something that you don't really see that often but I did or do rather.

Anyhow I talked to him about my nervousness. I feel really insecure - which I hate. Because when I read my own words back and i blow my own mind, what is everyone else thinking? To see almost every thought I have about a person. (Almost every thought - can we believe there are things I keep to myself) Anyhow I felt a maybe 5% less nervous, I mean not nervous enough not to do it, I want to do it, I just wish I could relax about it. This is always the way for me though - when the dick makes it appearance. Im sure I will be thinking and blogging about this all week. I wish I knew something about her. I asked him a slew of logistical questions to which I am sure he was kind of like - what does it matter. But it all matters. I even denied the urge to ask all the questions i wanted to. I did not want to overwhelm him.

After all that this morning I needed to go to the pool. Mostly because my feet are starting to swell, and my body aches and water is the most soothing thing in the world to me. I played with my daughter, tried to get a little cardio workout in swimming then I found a quiet spot so I could lay back enjoy the sound and feel of the water and let my mind wander. I was hoping to tease myself with the threesome fantasy for a bit, but all that kept coming was this child in my body. I palatable fear that I wont be able to love it, the nauseating truth that I am alone in this. I remember how many times I said, I just cant do this alone, Im scared if it was not his how I would do this. Again how ironic that the very thing i swore i could not or would not do is now staring me down daring me to fail. The other feelings of YB dna pumping in my blood still sickens me. Horrible word and thought, but it sickens me. I dont how a person can be so heartless and so callous. How different would my life would be right now if it was Jw's baby. This thought also make me sick. But perhaps there is a bigger picture. Will this tragedy cause me less heart ache than maybe the situation with Jw and I would eventually. Does God really work this way - what is the fucking point of this? Really! He did not even cum in me! I feel so cheated in all of this -this was not how this was suppose to be. It makes me angry at a lot of things. A little angry Jw came in me that day, because if he did not I would have know whose baby this is, angry at YB for not putting the fucking condom on, angry with L, because that night before he made me so fucking angry, and that was the only reason I called YB that morning bc I was furious and I needed some stress relief, angry with the Jamaican for being careless and simple. Angry with myself for all of it. Shit I am even angry with D, cuz if he would have gotten pregnant when I wanted to be I would not be pregnant with this idiots child.

So I have not acknowledged what maybe the obvious here. I am feeling a little bit manic. Despite the unending exhaustion, it is my mind that feels the mania not my body right now. Some of my mood swings I will blame on that, the rest would be my sucky life and hormones. Some of the crying is from intrusive thoughts I just cant stop. All in all im fine, but life is easier when my mind is not so engaged. I cant wait to feel the peace after the mania goes - although I do always miss the places it takes me in my quest for self actualization. But dam Im tired of the thinking.

Im going for now, but I feel like I might be back tonight. The burden does not feel lift yet...

Almost no crying over the weekend for me. I only teared up 2 times, but no all out cry. Once was when I was in my old bedroom at my moms house wrapping gifts, feeling nostalgic, in my room, looking out my windows remember when my boyfriend would stand outside in the dark looking into my room, remembering all the long talks in that room, and some of not so nice moments that spawned from my parents less than abusive behaviors, but darn close to it. I looked over at a picture on the night stand and it was my grandfather. He passed away long before I appreciated grandparents or parents and I started to cry a little. And I quickly halted that shit. I was not going to start the cry fest on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Morning, my parents always come over early on to watch my daughter open gifts. So my daughter expects them there. So when I call at 715 a to ask where they are at, they are not sure if they are coming (we're just too exhausted). Not acceptable to me. I don't like promises to be made and not followed through with. She said "Alright we are on our way", and started to tear up and cried just a little bit (in front of my ex who had arrived already), but the thought of him seeing me cry made me a little angry and I was like oh no, I am not going to look like a fucking emotional wreck in front of him. And I succeeded in swallowing that sadness.

I felt very much like Hester Prynne from the scarlet letter, with my obvious pregnant belly, and my very single self. My mom made a comment at dinner about someone in our town who "ran off" with someone. I did call her out on it. When you say someone ran off that has a negative conoation. A hint of judgement and you are less than come out with those words - she ran off with some Puerto Rican Guy. Here is the best part...the guy she ran off with is the one who delivered my furniture about 5 years ago and who fucked me on my living room floor each time he did it. I so wanted to say - I would run off with him to0 - the dick was fabulous! My family does not understand the dark secrets I keep and how sometimes they mindlessly talk and I must cut off my need rebut what they saying, defending my choices. Defending my honor. What must people in town say of me... the women with a biracial child and a white husband, why are there so many black men visiting that house? I know what they say. I was glad to move from that town for that very reason. It is nice to leave that behind. Where I live now, is more of a newer community, not a whole lot of old timers, and no body knows me.

There were a few moments where being single sucked, but mostly because i did not feel like doing something. LOL. I certainly did not miss my ex like I thought around this time, it was nice actually not having to deal with him. It was nice not having him there. I did go over his house for awhile on Christmas with my daughter so she could open gifts there... there were defiantly some things he did that I thought to myself - how did I deal with this for so long?

He is not all bad though. I made plans for Friday to go see Jw. He usually watches our duaghter after on this friday of his day shifts but when I asked him if he was watching her, he said he had plans. After I told him had plans already, he quickly said, ok I will take her Friday. Frankly he should as she is off from school all week and the burden of childcare falls on me after I go to work on Wednesday. But anyway I was glad it worked out with no arguing, as I was going out Friday night regardless in his willingness to watch her.

I could not be more content in my home today with my daughter with two days of our time. Sometimes I wonder i will ever regret the simplicity of my life. Will I ever wish i have done more with my time? Will I ever regret the devotion in which I have given my children and how my life is dictated by her /their needs, and I only ever saved enough of myself to do the bare minimum...and will my devotion to sex come back to haunt me?

One last thing - I know someone reading this is a MAC expert or at least knows more than me. I just am having trouble with file management, and need someone to walk me through the steps. My files are backed up 2x on separate external drives, but fear stops me from deleting them completely and I am left with a computer that will no longer let me edit videos or burn dvds because it needs more space. Backing up data of a cd or dvd will not work at this point for a few reasons, i would need 65 cds to back up just my photos, and I cant do dvds because I have no memory left. I want to make sure i can easily access the photos and videos I want to when I want to, but it feels like I just have not found the best system yet. Please Help! I am anxious to make my videos into dvds so I can play them in my room, for maximum pleasure. :)

The Jamaicain calls me last night to ask me how I am doing. I start crying (it is almost comical at this point at the amount of tears I shed in one day). He says he is going to come by if I want some company. I did want some company but I told I did not want some sex. I just have not been feeling it with him at all. He came over and we chatted and watched tv, at some we went to bed, and it is all blury, I get up and get him a condom. "Here" I say, as he laughs at me. He fucks me for about 10 minutes which is way more than he has ever fucked me. He gently asks me to move to the edge of the bed, so he can stand behind me and fuck me. It was not bad, usually it defiantly leaves me wanting more, but this time I crawled back into my spot in the bed at went to sleep. My body needed that so bad. I instant relaxation was well deserved. Merry Christmas to me - I need someone to fuck me so I could sleep last night. I woke up, got him another condom and woke him up and gave it to him. Sex with the Jamaican is not intimate

in any way. It is not even hot sex, it is just plain intercourse. I was ok with that though, but I am not going out of my way for just plain intercourse. I dont even touch him to help him wake from a dead sleep and get hard. I just wait. He usually sucks my nipples a lot and that might be the best part for me, but he did not want to as they are now have some "milk" (coloustrum is a more appropriate word but this is not health class is it)coming out when you pinch them a little he is not into it. UGH. Seriously... How did I even start having sex with someone so "vanilla". It is not that I dislike him, but just like all the relationship I have ever had and will ever have - they only seem to work one way. And this one is only satisfying to me if I get the dick with no effort. Sounds very lazy I know but who does not want to lay down and have their body brought to orgasm with out the obligation to participate. I dont really touch him at all, and I was particularly distant because he was leaning on my belly too much and I kept pushing him back. It served a purposed and I was glad I just went ahead and did it. He likes to look at my pussy which is weird to me but whatever I like to be pissed on so have at it. Laying on my back my knees up and spread apart, much like the dr office, with him gently touching the outside of my pussy reminds me of a gyn exam. And this sparks some hot fantasy images in my head. I shoo him off to the shower, get my phone and my magic wand, and make myself come while watching Jw fuck me. I got to have more videos of that on my phone. I love the porn on the phone. After all that we begin to bicker. He said something that got under my skin and my response was a very snotty "maybe you should educate yourself on that before you speak about it". I see our time together needed to end and so did he. I got in the shower and he left. As we laid together last night, I tried to pay a lot of attention to how i feel. How did I feel when he touched me etc... Sometimes I feel like any kind of intimate touching would satisfy me as I have been missing it for so long. I worry sometimes I try to convince myself how I feel about things. For instance, did I really love T or was that me just feeling freedom to love and how do I really feel about Jw. Is it possible to love so quickly again? Is it the sitatutation that gave me a false sense of how my heart feels. So laying there as Ray touches me, I feel indifferent, like I wish he would back up a bit, like i want my room to myself, and while him rubbing my back feels good, because my back Aches, it does not make me anything else. I dont want to kiss him, and I dont, I dont want to touch his body, and I dont. So it is not as if I love every man who makes me feel good. I dont know why I question myself so much on that. I know that some readers are saying these things (she loves the dick not him, she is just rebounding, etc.. ) shit even the people I am close with my life doubt my feelings.

In the end, he left and I feel much more relaxed!!!! I dont even feeling like crying. I feel pretty good in all. I might try to get some more dick in this week and see if that helps my crying any. Maybe I just dont have any stress relief so it comes out in crying. My stress coping skills have always been eating ( which is not working anymore, its hard for me to eat these last few weeks), sex and ativan. I cant take the ativan, food does not comfort me any longer so I am left with sex. I should fucking start exercising again, that did help, but I got on my elliptical machine last week and I was like HOLLY SHIT I am so out of shape. I could do that thing for 45 mins a year ago, now 5 mins I was like I got to get off. In other news... I gained 3 pounds in 2 days on top of the 2 I gained the other day. I go to the doctor on tuesday and the specialist on thursday, i cant wait for the comments about the weight gain. Some days Im not even hitting the calories I need. I cant help the weight gain. It will just come and according to the baby books about a pound a week from now on... what the fuck?

Im in my 20th week. Which means half way through and also means my body really is not my own. I have already begun my favorite pregnancy symptom I had with my daughter, shooting pain that begins in the crotch area and shoot up my belly every time I stand, and the feeling of pressure in my uterus all the time, like the baby will fall out. I knew this was coming and i know it will get severely worse. To ease your mind, not that there is anything wrong, dr just says this is how my body carries babies, low! Going to get the babys room put togheter in the next 2 or 3 weeks so I can not have to worry about any other work that has to be done while I am pregnant. Im still impressed with the amount of shit I have accomplished in the last few months... Yah Me.

I did have another horrible dream that seem so real I had to check. That a girl I grew up with , went to church with, lived next to me growing up, posted a message on facebook about my "lifestyle" and pretty much shame on you. And everyone I knew commented. Fucked up as soon as i woke up I had to check it out... just a dream but a fucked up way to wake up.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I checked my online booty call account today. Not really sure why- was not looking for anything particular just killing time. I see in my recent activity YB deleted me from his list. Now this should not surprise me but it does. I was like WOW could not even look at me on your list, that is where this is... the very sight of me bothers him. Is he trying to pretend this is not happening or trying to pretend I dont exist. I laid my head down on my desk and cried. I am carrying a child here, it is his child and he is disgusted by the whole thing. My self esteem really did not need that. I dont know how I managed to fuck up this bad! This poor child... it breaks my heart. In my home the talk of the baby has been happy and joyous, my daughter is excited beyond words, but in my heart I hide the secret that this child has thus far been a tragedy and I hold the responsibility of turning that around. What a horrible way to start a life.

I am still feeling like a bitch. I have been rude to everyone I speak to. I am not making any friends anywhere I go. I spent some time on the phone with my mom today, crying hysterically. The crying where you cant catch your breath, not my usual sobbing. I am just so tired of feeling so shitty. It is really taking a mental toll on me.

Chatted with Jw for a bit today. Always nice to hear from him, but I did not love the conversation. When he texted me I was laying on the couch crying, and I was just grateful he did not call me. Not that it was a bad conversation, but I feel weird saying how feel. My desire is to please, that comes from a deep place, so when I cant please it makes me feel less. Just less. I did not like all the things I said. Some of them came from a place of insecurity, jealousy, fear. Some things were just rational clear thinking too but it does not fit my image, at least not the image of njsubmissivegirl. I know I am more than that, I am much more, but I dont know how the two intersect. With Jw the two intersect on some level, but I dont know how that works. Or if it does work.

I was standing in line today wearing my coat, and I look down and see my stomach is sticking out of my coat, with almost audible disgust I sigh and pull my coat together, almost in embarrassment. This pregnancy does feel a bit like an embarrassment. I think i am going to see out some short term therapy on this. I cant go on feeling like this. I need some help getting over this hurdle. I should not feel like this, not still. I did continue to purchase things getting ready for the baby. I did it with no crying and not feeling all that weird about it. Thats a little progress.

im going to get take a bath and try to soothe my soul a bit. Im going to bed early and alone, and looking forward to spending the weekend with my family.

Feeling less bitchy today, and little more into the holiday, but still will be excited for it to be over.

Last night I woke up with a burst of energy at 2:23am. I was thinking it was more like 4 but I was a little agitated when i realized it was way too early to get up. I looked for baby names, still not definite on a name, I looked up single parent websites, I googled not feeling connected to baby during pregnancy, I cried, I wiggled around my bed, I got up and had a snack, and I decided my body wants to be fucked. BAD! I did not want the magic wand. I wanted a real live hard dick in my body. I of course scanned my mind for anyone that would be willing to come fuck me at now 2:50am, but my list was short. The Jamaican was the only person I could think of that would be up at this hour and may or may not be able to come play. I already knew though that he would come if he could but he would not be able to fuck me for as long as I needed it. I went downstairs had some cereal this time, and tried to go back to sleep. I fell back asleep somewhere around 5.

See this is where I think people think I am a sex addict, but I dont know if I agree. If someone was in that bed with me, I would have woken them up and we would have fucked I would have went back to sleep and all would be well. I need to have more sex! Shit at this point on if just for the stress relief.

Went out to do have my kid get the gift she wanted to get for her teachers, 3 hours later... we are at my moms. I sitting at my moms kitchen table ( I think one of the most comforting places in the world to me) and I say "Am I always this sad"? It is starting to feel like I am always this sad, and I will never return to a state of normal again. She reassures me that no this is not how I am. I am usually more patient and kinder, less abrupt and more peaceful. She tells me this is exactly how I felt last time I was pregnant and not to worry, I will again be the person I am. It feels like I just sleep and eat - and she says yup thats what you said last time. Thank God for my mother. Even my dad must have seen the desperation in my eyes tonight and he tried to make me laugh and he did not shy away from the topic of the baby. He even acknowledge the clothes my mom brought for the baby, and smiled.

I cry in the dark in my car on the way home while my daughter screams christmas songs behind my head. Im not even as sad as I am run down and exhausted. I miss my ex husband tonight. He would take care of me when I felt like this. He was good at taking care of me when I needed it. Putting me to bed when I would continue to go and go and go and could not recognize I got to pick my battles. I know our marriage was fucked up, but we had that down. We took care of each other. Sometimes I just need someone to take care of me, boost me up and give me a little bit of strength til I get my own back. I guess I am learning some self care now, think there will need to be some trial and error on that.

No text from YB, which has freed my mind a lot. The mental emotional distraction his dark words consumed me. It hurt my heart to read it and It was hard to let it go. The one part I dont like is that I dont know his current mental status. I would always prefer the crazy I know to the crazy I dont. But I need a little peace. I dont plan on really ever talking to him. I think he said all he needed, as did I. I am scared he will at some point want to be some kind of father... probably acting on a whim, or because his girlfriend thinks its cute. Im going to let that go though. I can freak out about that if it ever happens.

I got to go, as sit here reading this I hear my daughter bouncing on the bed. She is christmas crazy, and I am about as low key as they come on this holiday hype.

I feel like a BITCH today. I dont know what has over taken me but I kind of feel like kicking someones ass. I will be thrilled when Christmas is Over! Im not a fan of any holiday and this one tends to be the worst of them all. I am not really a religious person so I dont particularly have any feeling about that, but it turns into this ridiculous gift frenzy. I hate it. I dont really do well with the gift opening thing either, too much attention on me. Im not into that. So one more day of fake christmas smile at work tomorrow and then I am off! My daughter has school friday and I get to stay home in my house and do what ever I want. I love alone time in my house! Im sure i will end up on my computer most of my day.

I had a small break down today. About my body and my frustration with pregnancy. A 2 minute cry in the bathroom and I was ok for the rest of the day. But dammm my body is really upsetting me. I gained 2 pounds. My face is looking fat... I should just take the mirrors down out of my house for awhile.

I spoke to the Jamaican today and I was rude to him again. I was so angry and irriatated. I could not understand what he was saying and I was totally pissed off. The conversation did not last long at all.

My ex called to talk to my daughter, the sound of his voice made me angry. I always put it on speaker phone, but damm he just was under my skin. Then the s.o.b calls back to ask me to help him fix his computer. I do it, but he talks so much, Just shut the fuck up and do what I say and I will fix your computer... but know. He eventually senses my disdain and ends the call.

My daughter says to me tonight.... "mommy if you need help putting the baby's crib together I will help you, I just dont want you having to bend down "... thank god for my baby girls unconditional love.

How did I really manage to have 2 babies by 2 different men that did not want to be in their life? How the fuck does some as intelligent as I know I am do this TWICE? Not once - TWICE!

I found myself in an interesting conversation tonight where I said this...

"Ideally I want to be married to a black man, who can really love me, who can fuck me, and let me fuck other black men, and is a family man". Do we think this person exists? Will I ever get to the holy grail? Does it exist? What might I need to give up to achieve this?

I got to the place I was meeting Jw quickly. The sometimes tedious drive flew by as I chatted with my sister on the phone. We talked about her pregnancy that has been tainted by one complication after another. She finally said to me, if this pregnancy does not work, I will need you to be a sergeant. My sister has had a slew of health problems all her life and I had offered this to her before. I meant it when I offered. I would do that for her with no second thoughts, but I thought of that just made me stop a minute. I really do want a baby with Jw - I will be pregnant for the next 2 years... Just a thought. First time the offer became real to me. He called me while I was talking but my phone did not allow me to click over or let me see who was calling, he ended up leaving me 2 voicemails. And as I was waiting for him, I played them. They made me giggle a bit. I like the intensity in which he says things - it is funny to me. As I was doing that my eye was drawn to all the other voicemails that never got deleted. Why oh why did I replay them, but I did. Various people, D, T, the Jamicain, the mortgage company. But the ones that struck me the most was the ones from D, and how manipulative they were. And how they made me feel very inferior. It was a little bit eye opening to hear the diffence in how people talk to me. I must have needed to have that kind of real proof to understand this is not how I want to be treated. I remember years ago a friend of mine (thanks Dk) said to me that he was not treating me right or something to that effect . I was very defensive at the time and I took what he said and I listened and looked but I could never find what he saw. Even as I began to become unhappy with our relationship (I remember blogging we are like an old married couple) I could not see the bad parts. But hearing it last night, acknowledging how his words made me feel made everything appear a little less ideal and a little more unhealthy.

Jw pulls up he smiles at me, I feel so shy. I think I smile and look away, I felt so insecure like it was the first time we met. As we get into the room there is no embrace no initial hello of contact. I felt a little out of place. I was tired, he asks me why I did not say something... I would never tell him I could not see him because I was too tired. I would push through that shit. I could not promise I would not fall asleep early, but I can certainly be a little or very tired the next day to make the time to see him.

As we begin to touch, it feels more intamante this time. I go in out of a my thought process as his dick gets harder and harder in my mouth, and our bodies touch. He makes me take off my clothes. I must say, I was on the verge of tears with that. It could have went either way. I wanted to wear something on my body. As I reluctantly take my clothes off I say "I wish it could be my way sometimes" I dont know if he heard that but as I said it I caught my own attention - what was this submissivegirl... did you just say you wanted things your way?

I got over it, got naked and continued to suck his dick. Im not sure if I am doing what he needs me to do, I would not mind some step by step instructions just in case I could make him happier with my mouth. At one point, in a slow, close intense moment, naked and facing each other, my hands on his chest and neck I felt like I might just loose it and kiss him with all the passion I feel. I dont. My body loves this kind intimacy but my mind cant handle it. I start to become overwhelmed with it. I body wanted to stay there and let us explore, let me explore what my body wants to do, but I loose focus after awhile, and I need his dick in me at that point. So as he pushes his dick into me, I close my eyes and I need this so bad, my body is craving it so bad, my eyes tear up a little bit and for a few minutes, I don't know who I am, where I am, or who is doing this wonderful to my body. I was very detached while my body soaked in every stroke of this fantastic fucking. I "came to" in a sense and began to pay a little more attention to what was going on. At the end I was on my side holding on to the night stand to keep myself on the bed. He seems to be fucking with some power behind it.

We lay there and talk, and he falls asleep and I am right behind him. Our bodies intertwinded as we sleep. I wake up a lot during the night. I switch sides a million times a night, I shift, I turn, I continues to try to find some comfort for my body. It never really comes. I wake up in usual fashion about 5, and I try to make myself sleep. I want his dick. I touch his body, I rub my hand on his leg - he does not move, I leave him be. I felt a little bad anyway, he was nursing an injury, I did not want to make it worse. But I did want that dick. So the alarm goes off, and i wake him up. He moves fast in the morning. Im still trying to walk straight and he is ready to go. We say good bye in the room. We hug - I dont want to let go at all. Just wanted to soak it in.

I have some time to think about the evening as I drive home. I get home with 45 mins to shower dress have breakfast and leave for work. I chose to walk directly upstairs, turn a video of Jw fucking me and make myself cum a few times before I get in the shower. I still want him. I want like 48 hours where I can fuck him when ever I want or he can fuck me when I want him to. I want to not be tired when we meet, I want to feel entergetic. I want to not be pregnant and exhausted every time he sees me. I really want to feel like a women again, and not just a pregnant person. And I want to be able to relax and be who I feel instead of overthinking everything I do.

Im tired. I can not even pretend like that shit did not take some life out of me today. Im ready for bed right now at 530. But well worth the exhaustion!

I have an ultrasound in 9 days. I am getting nervous. I think i should be feeling the baby more. To me it felt like I was feeling him more before, my mom and daughter are going to come to the ultrasound with me. All the tests they have for babies now. I dont know which is better more test more information sooner more worry, or less tests and less stress and less information.

My todo list is growing and my time is dwindling. I think I might need to limit my time on this blog. I have a hard time justifying 35 minutes of me time on here.

I should have known my daughter would be sick by her crazy behavior. Do all kids get sick for every holiday or is it just mine? I brought her to her dads this morning and she is with him still. I spent a half hour or so there this morning. I am so happy where our relationship has ended up right now. It feels very positive and nurturing for my daughter. I hope it stays that way... this is the way parents should be with their child.

Otherwise I am excited about seeing Jw tonight. Maybe there will be a new video up soon.

I have not heard from YB since the local police called him. Nice. Very peaceful with out that.

It weird I really dont have all that much on my mind tonight - it is kinda of nice to have a quiet mind.

Wow has my daughter been so difficult today. I'm trying to be patient God knows I am. A lot going on in her life and all the hype of Christmas makes kids crazy, but damm this kid is killing me today. I swear she is like a 5 year old with PMS. It is crazy.

I see Jw name online on yahoo, I look at it, click it close it, and do it like 4 times. I finally say "hi". Lol all that thought and all I got out was hi. I don't know what to say to him, I see him online a lot and I just look at his name, wanting to talk to him, but afraid. So we were talking and he made a comment in reference to my reluctant feelings toward kissing. It makes me feel so bad. I dont know how to fix it or where it came from. Maybe I should just practice with someone until I dont feel so well unworthy. I do feel unworthy a lot. Kissing feels so good and so intimate and I have not had a lot of it. It is very forgein to me, I am so self conscience about. I always do a lot in my fantasies, I always visualize me doing it, but even when my he is right there, I would rather turn away than risk maybe he does not want me to kiss him. Ugh. I need help with that one.

So I talk to Jw about my need to fuck and he asks me why I have not been fucking anyone. And I just really have not wanted to, but with the realization that I wont be able to see him tonight and I dont know when I will see him, the facts of the desperation of the situation are crystal clear. Im not going to make it through the week with out some kind of dick. Better to plan it before I get too lost and I end up fucking someone for covinence that I did not want to bring out of the archives. So with that acknowledge I start to look. First my phone. I dont even remember half the peoples names in my phone. I usually leave a description of them to help me but a lot were just not ringing any bells. There were a few others that sounded good, but they live to damm far away. And I knew their schedules and shit and it just would be a mess and they would not be able to fuck tonight and blah blah blah. There were a few that were possibilities but then I just thought - do I really want this person to know where i live? The answer most of the time was no! I did make reconnect with someone I met when I was 20 at my first gang bang. I like that he is NO DRAMA ever, I know him well, and he loves fucking pregnant women. Perfect, but not for tonight, but I guess I good contact to keep in mind. That brings me to online booty call. A long time favorite place for me. I have not been on there in months! I had several hundred requests and as I am blowing through them, I see that a parent of one of the kids I used to teach is requesting me for his booty list. All i could do it shake my head! The guy was a total looser too.

Then there is this one guy that looks like woman, who has requested consistently for years even though I continue to deny him. I see T was checking out my profile. I sent him a friendly message, and he text me and we chatted a bit. He stopped reading the blog which surprises me, but anyhow he irritated me. It almost does not seem worth re, eating the story because I feel like I look stupid in the end but it was just about promises not being kept. That pisses me off and he does not see it that way, and none of it matters now, andI am glad I met him, I do think he is a good person and a friend. But he got under my damm skin today. So there will be no dick tonight. Even looking at most of the people on obc I dont want to think about them climbing on top of me. See a nice small gang bang group where I am blindfolded and someone else is directing to ensure I get dick and I dont have to think about it would be perfect!

Anyhow I was glad I say Hi to Jw. I had not talked to him in a few days and my mind starts to wander to every horrible scenario that could happen. Laughing as I think about the crazy shit that heads through my mind.

I talked to my mom today, who did say something to me about how big I looked. Ah yes, I look huge. I have not gained any weight but I freaking look huge. My veins are all blue and noticeable, this is normal but I did not remember this first time. I feel weird that this child is a boy, I dont know what that will be like to have a boy, not sure if I would be a good parent to a boy. How do I teach a boy how to be a man? Shit lots of men obviously cant teach a boy how to be a man...

Sometimes I look back at the last 6 months of my life and think wow you really made it. I did not take any meds ( oh how I would have loved to) and I did not end up needing psychiatric care I did not wither away to nothing and die. I made it. Not like easy days are ahead of me but at least today i feel empowered and strong. At least for today that is how I feel.

My parents came to pick up my daughter. They did not call me to let me know when they were coming, so I had to run upstair to put clothes on because all day I wore my favortie pjs with his a long tank top, with on panties or bra. I grabbed some pj pants a tank top and tshirt and as I came down stairs I look down to see my belly is very obvious. My mom glanced at it like dammm but said nothing cuz I am sure she already knew I would have been in tears. My dad avoided eye contact at all cost. I did have some heater questions for my dad, and we went to the basement to talk shop for a bit. His favorite past time. It was awkward for me and him too. My daughter fought me about going to this party. She did not want to go... frankly I cant blame her at all, but she has got to get out and have more fun. All she wants to do is stay home and play.

So I just realized there was a video on the other the other post on the slut blog, just watched that video of Jw fucking me. I love to watch that - I really do need someone to video tape this shit.

So my ex calls me. We had a good talk for like an hour. About our daughter, about the new baby, his concerns about my "new relationship" and affects of that on our daughter. He kept beating the subject to death how the baby's father will be here all the time. So i had to break it down to him. He said something to me about how I scared him out of dating with all my issue since May, I mean for fuck sake he is right. Since May or June my life has been a whirlwind of love and pain and finding my way. He called me "dear" which is only habit, but it made me cry, like most things do. The conversation felt good though. Felt really nice to be able to talk about how we parent, and share things about our daughter, I felt like he was my friend again. Its been a long time since I have felt his friendship.

I painted my bedroom today. My body aches tonight. ACHES. I need a hot shower a heating pad and some tylenol. My balance is defiantly fucked up, that from the center of gravity changing with my changing body. Defiantly noticeable climbing up and down the ladder. I just cant jump up like I used to I got to think about it. I cant believe I am still painting!!! At one point I thought I was going to loose my mind the urge to fuck was controlling me. My only effort was to send Jw a text that only says "Hey". I don't know what I wanted to hear back, maybe just to hear back would have been nice. Although the fantasy of Jw showing up at my house unannounced did entertain me for hours. So many possibilities for Domination and infiltrating my sense of anonymity and privacy. Whatever - I am here alone and going to bed alone in a few minutes.

The other thing that entertained me was watching Beyonce and thinking about Jay z fucking her. She if fucking amazing to look at. I am not really into women like that, but this woman makes me wet. I just cant help but stare with my mouth open. Then I google pics of her and JayZ. He is very sexy himself. The two of them would make an AMAZING sex video!!!! I wonder if she wont suck dick, some women just wont do it, but it does seem like Jay Z would tolerate anything but full submission. So hot!

Im going to bed, I have cried enough and worked enough today to last me awhile.

I tried to be productive last night. I went downstairs to try and straighten out the toy situation a little more and continue to unpack boxes. I came across a picture of me my sister, and our husbands and my daughter. I was at my heaviest weight ever. I looked so unhappy. And I was. We had just sold a house that had a low mortgage and we great for us for this new house. The house was beautiful but when you fill it with fake love it looses it luster. My daughter had just turned 2, and my entire life was devoted to everyone else. My mornings 3x a week were working with her speech therapists (she was a very delayed talker), worked 2nd shift and home doing it all over again. I was only seeing D at the time and that was few and far between once a month if I was lucky. He would come to my house about 7p when my ex was working nights, we would have dinner, he would play with his daughter, I would and sometimes both of us would put her to bed, and then I would stay up all night fucking him, catering to him, making the most out of every second he was in my presence. I never slept. Sleeping felt like lost time, I would often wake him up by staring at him though. It was the only part of my life that I enjoyed. I was so sad. I was taking not only antidepressants at the time but another more signifiacant drug to help me not to take the bridge on the ride to work. A glance at the look on my face brought all of this back. And as I look at myself today, I feel more whole, more like myself and I dont enjoy only one part of my life. I enjoy most of it. I am more emotionally there for my daughter, I genuinely enjoy life most of the time. I felt so grateful after I processed all these thought. Grateful my ex pulled the trigger on the divorce. I would have never had been able to do it. I still dont know why. I do feel a strong sense of loyalty. I meant the vows I said in that church. For better or worse. I meant it. I accepted that this was the worse it may always be like this but I committed to it, and I was going to make it work, even if it killed me in the process. So realizing this is a weakness of mine at this point I think more about what makes me happy and what does not. I need to give myself permission to let go of the things that dont work even if it mean I did not live up to my commitment to myself or others. All that from a glance at a photo.

My body let me sleep to 530 this morning, for which I was grateful. I went to move to my other side and I got a sharp pain radiating up the side of my belly. "Owww" I say out loud, and my daughter who appeared to be asleep, sits up and says urgently "what did you say that for? are you okay, whats wrong"? She made me laugh, and made me happy. While it would have been nice for a man to be in my bed, concerned over my well being, I will take my daughter showering me with her love. I watch her pretending to be a mommy with her baby dolls alot. She is so gentle and kind with them. I am glad I was able to be that example for her. Feels like she is growing up so fast all of a sudden.

So the feedback on the last post - not sure if you all notice the comments. It made me cry - in a good way. Sometimes when i question my motives about this blog when I was seeing T and he said to me he could not handle the blog, and he knew it was part of me and I couldn't and shouldn't stop. I had to do it. T always made comments about the attention, but it is not the attention but the sharing. The feedback from real people who really are taken with my words with my life, with my struggle and triumph. It makes me feel connected to people because generally I feel like very few people get me and it is hard for me to relate with people. Even the people I am closest to would describe me as marching to the beat of my own drum or in my own world. Anyway thank you for that comment, and thanks for listening.

I have decided to break down and make the damm christmas cookies today with my daughter. Not really fun for me but it must be done. Then I am going to try to finish out my day painting my bedroom. Im going to throw on some old school naughty by nature and sir mix alot, and get it done.

Started off the day with watching Jw fuck me. I like the sounds the best. I am more audio then visual I think. I learned the other day I hate professional porn. I hate when women look into the camera, it looks really fake. And what is with that face they make. I prefer some homemade porn any day. I also don't like looking at fake women. I like real boobs and real bodies.

Today YB text me again some vague threats and asking me if I had a miscarriage yet. I went right to the police department to follow up with having the officer call him. As of yet, YB wont answer his phone and has not returned the officers phone call. As I was completing the paperwork, they asked me for a description of YB, all info I knew about him. It was weird but I hope he will at least be intimidated by officer to leave me the fuck alone.

I am beyond delighted to be off for the next two days. I feel like my body need to recooperate from intense stress. My parents out of the blue offered to take my daughter out saturday and keep her over night. While I am thrilled to have free time - I don't really know what to do with free time. I will probably end up doing nothing, and be pissed with myself for having made no plans and having accomplished nothing. I am trying to make a list of shit I need to do, but I don't know if that will happen either. Stress and pressure make me more productive. The unfocused energy of free time leaves me lost and disjointed.

My body is not feeling great to me either. Sex has been just something I want but don't really want to pursue. Sex might sound more appealing if I did not hate the way I looked more and more each day. I would have moved the world to fuck Jw on Wednesday but on Friday, I feel like hanging my head in shame, and please don't turn the lights on and please let me wear something while u fuck me. Ironic I know, as my body has not looked the way I have wanted it for many years but maybe it is some shame in the way I am became pregnant. And w If it was just my stomach that is one thing, but it is lots of little things. My body is changing so quickly. I was just turned on by the thought of humiliation and bondage and how those things would certainly add an element of realism to my fantasy. I was talking about how I must be looking like hell as no one ever flirts with me these last few months when I go out, Im getting no attention. (There was a guy in the convenience store the other day that made my day) She says to me " Umm maybe your pregannt..." Im pregnant not dead. Maybe most pregnant people are not into attention from strange men, but damm a little flirting would be nice. As I tell her I really only started to show in the last week or so and with that you cant tell depending on what i wear. She said men can just sense shit like that.... Nice try, but Im not buying it.

Alright so little bewildered tonight I am going to try to do something productive. Dont know where to start, but I am going to give it a try.

I woke up this morning, made myself breakfast enjoyed the peaceful quiet and unhurried pace of my morning alone. My ex was dropping my daughter off at 730 so I could do her hair. So I had a half hour to sit at my computer, eat my breakfast and watch Jw fuck me on the slut blog. This son of a bitch shows up at like 710. I was like 6 minutes into the 26 minute video. I was PISSED!

I did take sometime after I dropped my daughter off to come back and finish my morning dose of porn. It is not always easy for me to watch these videos. I am watching it again now. I love seeing his hard dick. I do really enjoy reliving these moments, and I did really enjoy this night with him (prior to him leaving as soon as I fell asleep). It feels like every time we see each other it is so different.

I am relieved this week is almost over. It has been so stressful at work and I have really been exhausted. I still cant seem to sleep past 430a so I am getting like 6 hours of sleep a night. It is just not cutting it. So as I begin to approach the half way mark of this pregnancy my body is changing rapidly. I tried to put some jeans on the other day. That were big on me, I would wear all the time. I thought I will just wear the belly band and make it work. Oh No, apparently my ass and thighs have gotten bigger along with my belly. That shit sucked! Now lets talk about stretch marks - I have them from my daughter, I have them from puberty and my tits growing. That is just how my skin is, but really must they all darken and new ones arise already. It is not like my skin has stretched at all really. It sucks have no control over your body. I have lost a few more pounds and I am having trouble eating. I think that might be stress related. I am trying so hard to get in everything I need to eat for the baby but it is hard these last 2 weeks.

Im watching Jw fuck me still.... There is nothing better that hearing him groan while he is fucking me. It is very satisfying to me. I do like my tits more pregnant for sure. They are more sensitive and they are getting darker and my nipples are hard almost all the time. I love it. Best part of this clip for me is at 25:10 he says " I love fucking love this pussy, I love it" Sheer Happiness for me!

Sometimes I retreat into my own world. I take myself out the world. I stop talking and texting , I dont do anything with anyone but my daughter. Im feeling like I might need a little of that soon. When everyone in the world is hurting my feelings, making me question and doubt myself, its me, not everyone else. My emotions are just a little too raw right now. Even my mom is hurting my feelings. I could not be more of the cliche pregnant women who is crying and hormonal and irrational. Just feel like I still have not found the rhythm of my life. I feel like I am trying desperately to carve my new life into what I want and need it to be, but I just feel really stuck.

For instance it is 640, Im ready for bed. Like seriously ready to get into bed and go to sleep. I got no motivation to clean my house or finish painting or put the laundry away. I keep telling myself to allow myself the time I need to rest because I need to rest. My mind needs it, my body needs it and my spirit needs it. But I feel lazy and pathetic. I am not used to doing so little, or being so fucking tired. I put off food shopping for 2 weeks because I was just too tired. We ate cereal and oatmeal, went out or found something in the freezer. It was just sad and pathetic.

Anyway, I got one more day of work ahead of me. A long fucking day of nonstop writing, and then some time to decompress.

Ok so the I need to fuck feeling never really went away today. I did have to do my best to make that feeling go away. And tonight my best was my magic wand and my hands,porn hub and some homemade porn. I never got the big body shaking orgasm I wanted but that will hold me over. I spent like an hour making myself cum.... it was the good one that was just too elusive tonight.

I did try to get to Jw but that did not happen. I don't really want to fuck anyone else. Not that I don't want more sex than I am getting but I am just not really wanting to fuck a lot of other people. A few reason for that. I really am satisfied with the sex with Jw. It is not just one type of sex, and it is not just pain its not just pleasure. It feels just right. So there is nothing wrong with me wanting to just have sex with one person, right? Does that make me not a slut? Does that make me someone other than myself? It feels right. Even today as I give it some thought about who I would want to fuck, I had nothing. Sure there are many men who are capable of making my body feel good, and relaxing my mind, but it seems like a whole lot of effort and I loose interest too fast. And if I can not stay interested to have the conversation about what when and where than do I really need to do it? And there are some other reasons..I cant play with people who want to act stupid about a condom, or want to try some new shit, and then the baby makes me feel weird about fucking people. Either way, I have not had sex with anyone but Jw for awhile ( at least 3 weeks maybe more) , it was not so much as a choice as a feeling. Anyway no real point to any of that, just feeling weird about it. So if i only want to have sex with Jw that means that I have to rely on him to meet all my needs. And if it is something I want then why cant I wait for it? Then the fear what if he does not want to meet my needs, or gets exhausted with my needs. I get exhausted with my need level at times. Its not fair of me to rely on him, thats ridiculous, he owes me nothing, no reason he should go out of his way to fuck me. I think to much. Either way Im not fucking tonight and I am okay. Maybe that is my stress - I dont usually deal with the need for dick - I just give in and get rid of the need. Its new. Outside of the short relationship with T, I never did that. NEVER!!! From the time I was 17 I have had an arsenal of men at my disposal to fuck me when this need hit me.

I am home alone tonight. I had so many good intentions for things I wanted to do, it does not look like any of it is going to happen. After dinner and the orgasms I got little motivation for anything but bed and watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Quote I just saw..Made me think.

Love is joy. Don't convince yourself that suffering is part of it

-paul coleho

I guess the sleep solved the exhaustion but the need to be fucked returned upon waking with vengeance. I am half asleep still as I touching my nipples and my pussy and I start to become conscience I want my toys. Unfortunately I have left them in the car since Sunday and I was not going to get dressed go out in the cold to get them. I would have lost interest by then. I laid there for about an hour half hearted touching myself while I try to figure out how I will fix this feeling. This is the worst feeling in the world. Needing dick and not being able to get to it.

I start to imagine me riding Jw, not something I really do with too many people, and I dont do well and I hate doing, but this morning I was dreaming about jumping on his rock hard cock, and fucking him like someone in a porn movie. I want him to slap me and punish me with his big cock. My pussy is throbbing this very moment. These are the moments I tend to make poor decisions. ( Such as fucking YB that fateful day in August). I cant do shit about this morning, I dont even have time to get my magic wand. I hope this feeling feels less intense soon. And I hope I can get fucked like a slut soon.

This has been a very long day. I am so very pleased to report that my observations at work went very well. I am exhausted though. The mental stress of work make me so physically exhausted. Things went really well today though, I could not have asked for a better outcome.

This morning a received a 4:30a series of texts from YB further exclaiming how I have ruined his life. At that, I decided I have had enough. So after work today I went to the police department to review my options. I am glad I went and I have better understanding about what to do next. I don't ever want to be reactive with anything so important so I told the officer I would be in touch with him on Friday. I was not ready to file a criminal compliant just yet, but I will be if he texts me again. I also don't want to tell my situation to another person, so I will wait until that officer comes back on duty. It is embarrassing to explain the situation, and even more embarrassing to give his information to the officer. I do feel more empowered and less like a victim. I just don't want to make things any worse than that are. He will have to understand at some point I am not going to tolerate his inability to behave like an adult.

After the report was given at work and all was good, I wanted to fuck bad! I more like wanted to be gang banged for some serious stress relief. That was a fleeting thought, exhaustion was more powerful of a feeling than needing to be FUCKED!

Someone said something to me today that I had to step outside and try to compose myself. So someone asked me "who is the daddy"? So inappropriate but I just smiled we both laughed. I then said "its all part of God's plan" and he quoted something from the bible...something like and he knew us even in our mothers womb. I was just overcome with tears. I had to step outside to recover. It just struck me. I know that God trusts me to take care of this child and for whatever reason I am doing this, God is with me. The statement just re solidified my resolve. And I know how bizarre it must be to see such biblical words on the submissivegirl blog, but like I believe and know. Loving sex, being addicted to sex, enjoy sex does not mean I can not have a relationship with God.

I dont regret much in my life but I regret having the DNA test. I wish I would have had a little more sense about me and been less reactive. I still pray that it was wrong, and this will all be a lesson in life for me. In the meantime, I think I have decided on a name for this child. A name that makes me feel good and honors my family. My daughters name was given to me in a dream. I knew very early, before I knew if she was a girl I knew what her name would be. I am waiting for some divine intervention via my dreams or my prayers, if I dont see it, or hear it or feel I have the name ready. I am using visualization as well. I visualize rocking my baby boy, holding him, loving him. I visualize him looking like my Dad and I visualize the two of them together as he gets older. My dad taking him out on the tractor,teaching him all the things he taught me and will teach my daughter. So just like choices we make and destiny are powerful - my thoughts and my attitude are just as powerful.

Ahh the roller coaster of my emotions.

So if you can imagine I still have some shit on my mind. So I realize this is twisted but anyhow. When my marriage ended, I felt very responsible for that. I felt like I chose D over my marriage. That is not entirely true. I did know that my marriage could not exist with out D. D gave me all the affection I did not get at home, and he gave just enough to make sure I did not starve, but never enough to quench my hunger. So in the same thought my relationship with D could not continue with out my marriage. My marriage provided stability and some love, all the "vanilla" parts of a relationship . The two of them together fulfilled me 70%. But alone neither relationship would survive, that was evident. As D and I had a very detached conversation about our love for each other and our future it was sad but necessary. I did something in my life to remind myself about the choices I have made. I made some passwords phrases that reminded me that I made a choice to not give my marriage 100% not give myself 100%. Almost like a daily reminder of the poor and need driven reactive choices I made. I think I am ready to change my passwords again. I think I have punished myself enough. Jw and I were talking the other day, and I said something about D and our relationship. He asked me a question and did not totally understand the situation I was explain. ( I dont want to say it on here either) I was so ashamed. I said to Jw, this is more personal than when you asked me how much I weighed. (Yes Jw did ask me what I weighed, and more to my surprise I told him. I dont even let my doctor weigh me. ) Anyway as I recoiled in shame and try to move away from the subject of D, it became so evident that I was stuck in such a one sided relationship. I lived and breathed for him, and he could not have cared less. So at least I am healing from that, and I can see that, and I am finding my way here in life. There are so many things that happened with D and I that will be going to the grave with me ! But I am really ready to be done with that.

And it is in that spirit I caution myself from falling into the same trap with Jw. The trap I mean is living and breathing for him. Giving 100% of myself to someone, with no expectation of return. It is easy for me to give all my love, all my energy, all of me to someone, and then I give and give blindly and freely and I give so much I have nothing left of me. Jw cant become my new D. I need to be aware of that. I dont ever want to be ashamed of the things that happen again.

I feel peaceful tonight. It feels good. It has been so long since I had this smile that is coming from my soul. It feel so nice. I am going to go get in bed at 720, and cuddle with my baby girl.

Been stressing over money today. Like all of a sudden it occurred to me that I need to pay bills when I am off work, then day care. And I am not sure where any of this money is coming from. And obviously I will not be getting money from YB because he is a piece of shit. Health insurance too... that will be like another 150 a month from my pay to add this baby to health insurance. OMG I cant breath. I went out to dinner ( I had a gift card ) and I try to relax. I get home and look on my computer my mom left me a stack of bills of money I owe her apparently. Wonderful. Not to mention the township fucked up my tax bill and turns about my taxes are about 1000 more a year than I was originally told. SUPER! I am pretty much scared out of my mind tonight about the money.

In my quiet moments today, I kept replaying the verbal abuse YB has thrown on me in the last 2 days. He has weakened my spirit. I don't think anyone has every wore me down like this in all my life. He has stolen my confidence and damaged my spirit. If he texts me again I am going to have to see if I can file some kind of harassment charges. I cant go on like this. I will never make it. Thank God I told my daughter about this baby. She give me strength. Sometimes she says things like "Mommy I love the baby boy"or "Im going to teach him how to... ". She draws a few pictures a day of me the baby and her. Her delightment and freedom to love is replenishing to my heart. She knows no other emotion to the news of a baby but excitement and love.

My friend called me tonight. She checks in with me, but I am not thrilled with her lately. She is preoccupied with the idea of her 23 year old boyfriend and he is a ghetto mess and I am just like good luck with that. She called to ask how I was but wanted to tell me he moved in with her. I told her i had to go in about a minute and half. I cant pretend I care right now.

The Jamaican called me tonight. I think he wanted to come over but I was not really in the mood to chat, and I could barley hear him, so he kinds just ended that with I will call you tomorrow or Wednesday. I dont know what to say him anymore. Im not really comforted by him like I once was. Not much comforts me these days.

How can this baby not be Jw's how could i be so stupid as to let this shit get so far and not think clearly about this. I just swore it was Jw. In my mind, there seemed no other plausible person. And now look at what has happened. Before this fucking dna test I was happy to be pregnant, i felt close to Jw, I was peaceful about things, and now I struggle every moment of the day. This has been the worst experience of my life. I would give anything to go back and fix it all. I dont know how a human being can treat someone as bad as YB has treated me. I think I am one of the most kind, forgiving, and loving person I know. ( not that I show a lot of love but I care deeply about people ) It is such cruelty to treat me like this. And the baby. Abortion is so cruel, and yet sometimes I think about it. Like and end to all this suffering. As each day goes by it is more and more real to me I get more and more scared. I can not kill a spider without severe guilt. I feel bad killing flys. I could never kill my baby and walk out the clinic doors and live with myself. But with that knowledge of my limits come the un ending fear and sadness.

I talked about destiny and it creating moment for us that we may have swore we could not or would not do, and how that can cause absolute change. So as I pray to God, please help me change my life, this is not what I had in mind. Maybe I will be more specific in my prayers.

I am still hung up on the thought that I will never have the family I want, I will never be someones wife again. I feel like I will always be right where I am at. Always someones chick on the side, always alone on the important days, always feeling like I fucked up my life. Have I mentioned I am tired of being alone. Let me add that I have been a lone in my marriage for a long time. My ex and I stopped doing things together a long time ago. For instance, weddings, parties, bbq's, shoppping, dinner, sleeping. I have been doing it all alone for so long. Sometimes at the end of a stressful day you just want to lay next to someone you love, and just touching them makes everything better.

I need to get going. Tomorrow is my observation day at work. 6 hours of scrutinizing my every move. Good Times. I hope I dont cry! I need to be at work early too.

I hope I look back at this next December and I see that I was just going through a sad period in my life. Life can not be as bad as i think it is going to be.

Last thought - buying milk tonight at the convience store. There is a women who looks worn down. She has two biracial children, and is buying them Mountain Dew and honey buns with her food stamps. Ok so is that going to be me in 10 years? 5 years? Next year? Sometimes I feel myself slipping into a person I dont want to be. I realize this is stupid to most people but to me it is important. This morning I find myself giving my kid a pop tart for breakfast. Now please understand my kid is 5, I have fed her organic whole foods. For the first 4 years of her life she had nothing that had food dye in it, no processed foods, plenty of veggies and fruits.. I believed in giving her body and her forming cells the very best fuel. I researched everything and made informed choices about her vaccines, medications, her care, her food, her teeth. And I dont have the mental energy for it anymore. The pop tart for breakfast was like - fine just eat whatever. The begining of the end - or so it seemed in my head. Like the baby will most likely need to go to a subsidized day care because with out child support which I dont know if he will pay, I cant afford day care. So will my baby get substandard care? I cant accept that but how do I change it? YB talks about this is my meal ticket to get money from him. He is so sickening. If he only knew.

Night Everyone!

I fell asleep about 630 last night, when I woke up this morning at 430 I was refreshed, I insticntivly grab my phone to see what is happening in the world, and see a message from YB. I text him back and that begins an hour long process of more idiotic rantings of a boy trying like hell to make this go away. Again his desperation scares me at times. When people become this desperate and this simple minded they do stupid shit. I tell him lets not talk for awhile, I say to text me again in January but lets leave it alone for the holidays. His words are so hurtful and I just keep telling myself, this is the way my life is unfolding, that if I embrace it I will find peace if I fight it I will find heartache.

Not the way I would love to start my Monday, but either way. I am on time today, I got my stuff together and I am ready to get this week over with.

I have been reading my posts after I post them. Just to see what the hell comes out of my mind. Too often Jw will quote something I say and I am like dam I said that. I must apologize that last post in particular I missed a lot of words. Hope it all makes sense to you. I do not shine in my grammar and punctuation on so little sleep.

YB continued the harassment until about 330p so about 4 hours of him telling me what a piece of shit I am, how I am obsessed with him because he is better than any man I have ever had. This is going from bad to worse. He continues to lobby for abortion, but when I told him to look at the techniques used for abortion at this late stage, he said "Yeah right" Fear? Knowledge is power in life. I had to acquire the knowledge. What if I went in there had this abortion then found out that they tore my live, kicking, moving, baby limb by limb while he silently screams in my womb. Or that by baby was burned by a salt solution and then delivered in once piece red and burned, and hopefully dead and not in writhing pain until the doctor kills it. These are not options these are acts of desperation and murder. He can not or will not look at the facts, but will spout the call for abortion and taunts me with, if I ever see this kid I will tell him what a whore his mother is. I am not ashamed of loving sex, he should be ashamed to call himself a man. Then he went on to tell me how ugly and disgusting I am and how humiliated he would be to have anyone know we fucked. How are you going to be ashamed after fucking me for 5 years. I feel like posting our video with his face, but I wont. Long term the less I engage in the stupidness the better off I will be. Got to keep my eye on the prize, limiting all interaction with this piece of shit.

I had to pat myself on the back today, I re-purposed some of my angry energy to put some shelves together in the basement. (Yes I am still working on that). I emptied like 5 more boxes. It will be nice to have a life again after my house is settled the baby is here and I kind think about something other than paint and boxes and prepping for the baby.

I drove to meet Jw last night. I do always feels bad he seems to do 90% of the traveling, so I do like to be able to meet him in his area from time to time. We were not meeting til late, and wanted to go out and do some shopping before hand. So I take the time to do my hair, I shaved my legs, I put on my panties and bra and I go int he closet for the daunting task of putting some clothes on, I find this shirt I love, it is super soft and thin, and I like the way my tits are looking in it. I can see my nipples clearly. Now pants were a different story. I just needed pants to that fit, so my choices were limits. So I felt someone sexy, which was kind of nice. I did notice a slight increase in male attention. I was not hating that. I found myself in Old Navy I went in there to look for some yoga pants and came across the clearance of summer baby cloths. I took a deep breath as I looked at them. They were marked down to like $1 a piece so I tried to see if anything would be good for the baby. I started then I started to cry and I walked away. I came back a few minutes later and tried again. I think like 10 people asked if they could help me that worked there. I probably looked scared of the clothes, because I was. I asked God for strength and I went for it. It felt surreal it felt like maybe I was buying doll clothes for my daughter or something this could not be for my son. I did buy some things, as I have very little appropriate clothes for a boy. It had my mind spinning, but I need to press on and get my life ready for this baby.

I headed to the highway and drove to see Jw. I knew I was early and I was going to wait for him for a little bit. I was going to take a nap before he got there. In truth I was anxious about meeting him all day. I wanted to see him, but I did not like having to wait for him and I did not like being alone at the motel. My anxiety began to sore as the time he said he would be there approached and I did not get the on my way text. I called him which I rarely do, but I was in my I am ready to leave states. I dont know what it is about being somewhere outside of my home that makes me so ready to leave if someone is not exactly on time. It is not like anyone has every stood me up but I always panic. Always. Repressed childhood memory i guess..

He arrived about a half hour later, I was laying under the covers. I was irritated, I wished I wasn't but I was. I was scared there I did not like waiting one more second than I was prepared for. I was prepared mentally to wait until the time he gave me. It was not really that big of a deal but I could not hide my frustration. I was a little sad he did not grab me and kiss me or throw me up against the wall and fuck me or something like that when he walked in. There was few minutes of awkwardness for me. He got a shower, and he came and got in bed. He dick was not hard. I don't think I ever put my mouth on his dick and it was not at least a little hard. So I felt like shit, he does not want to fuck me because of my attitude, or maybe because I look like shit, or maybe he is still mad at me and he is just not attracted to me anymore. It did not take long for his dick to become rock hard, i was enjoying sucking it, and licking it. I got to put my hair up next time though, I got too much hair in the way for proper love making to a dick.

I finally say with a hint of patheticism " Can you just fuck me now"? He nods his head as we move our bodies into position. I needed that dick like needed air, I could feel my body start to relax some. He was not rough me this time, I think he might have slapped me in my face once. I found myself wanting to kiss him, but I would never initiate that. At one point he was close to me and I feel myself starting to kiss his neck, but I stopped myself. It just not seem like that was the mood he was in. I start to feel him ready to cum and I was relieved. I was worried maybe he would not be able to cum again that and 2 times in a row would have been bad. I feel like I can exhale and we lay in bed. At first I still feel awkward, trying not to touch him as we lay there. I still feel like such garbage for the shit that has happened with this pregnancy. I feel very unworthy to touch him. As we lay there and talk I begin to feel more comfortable and more comfortable touching him, like just his arm. We talked awhile. He mentioned that my hair was done. I had to laugh, I think he might have only seen me dressed how I do in public the first time I met him, but even that Im not sure. I think every other time I am in some pajamas or sweats. Looking like a hot mess. I got to do better with that. I felt good. I did not feel like he was angry with me like he was. He seems complicated at times to me, and I feel like sometimes this too will one day crush me as well. I feel a little teary eyed, and try to deicede what my problem is. It is hard to tell, maybe it is just the pregnancy. Jw has only seen me 4 times when i was not pregnant. Since Aug I have been and emotional wreck! God bless his tolerance for tears and sadness. I end up saying to him a lot of things that have been on my mind all week. By the time sunrise hit, he says to me I am surprised you did not fall asleep yet, but I was excited and soothed by our conversation. There was no way I was going to fall asleep. I asked him to pinch my nipples, then harder, then we fucked again, and we fell asleep. All total I slept like 3 hours last night. He jumped up to go and I watched him get ready. Thinking how I want to fuck him some more. He leans over the bed, I want to pull him down into the bed with me, I want to kiss him like I have not seen him in a year, I want him! But I am afraid to kiss him at all, Im sure I had to have some morning breath, missed my opportunity... he was out the door.

Feeling peaceful, I begin to drive home and I start to feel the pain of no sleep. I get home and curl into my bed, and take a nap. About 12 in my deep sleep my phone starts buzzing. Fucking YB. Begins his quest to talk me into having an abortion. It is 2pm he is still texting me. I just had a good scream and cry, I shut my phone off for awhile but he persists. I dont know where to go with that. Can I get a restraining order for that kind of shit? I am getting close to doing something, I am having so much trouble with accepting this baby as it is, I cant have him doing that to me as well. I am really feeling like I am near a breaking point. The other day in one of the lowest moment, I was leaving work and I see the bridge. I contemplate this as an option. I would never want to leave my daughter, but this is the level of desperation I hit. If I could not have an abortion, killing myself seemed like the only viable solution at the time. Me and God have been having some serious conversations this week. I beg for strength several times a day.

It is getting slightly better. One of my favorite authors said something like: When destiny intervenes in your life and forces you to do the very thing you swore you could not or would, it is a time for absolute change. I dont know if I am ready for it but it looks as though I dont have a lot of choices but allow my fate to unfold. Absolute Change - Powerful!

Last night my belly was touching Jw's leg, I can feel the baby kicking crazily, and I wonder if he could feel it. I dont know how he will feel about seeing as this pregnancy becomes more obvious.

I wish my head did not hurt and that YB did nto take me to a place that I feel like considering abortion again. I am going to go play baby dolls with my daughter, soothe my soul a bit, and reassure her I am ok. Then make dinner and bed at like 7p. Last week of hell at work. Im going to need every ounce of strength I can get for this shit.