Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Some one text me today and let me know the slut blog had been shut down. That made me so happy. And I began to feel a little bit nostalgic about my writing.

I am not sure if anyone still is checking for updates or not, but this was always for me anyway. So I feel some what obligated to document these parts of my life.

I now live with my sons father. He is the man I have always wanted. He is an incredible human being and is the "holly grail" I have always talked about. Fulfilling my physical, emotional and spiritual needs. I never thought there was one man who could take care of my needs. Maybe I have changed as well, maybe I have less needs. But I am so in love with this man.

I still hold tightly onto my belief that this was divine intervention. There is just no conceivable way this all could have worked out this way had there not been the hand of God on it and I know that with out a doubt.

I am in love with my whole life. I am so excited to feel like I am really on the right road in my life and to feel the peace that I have. I found my partner.

So I hear the "peanut gallery" and I acknowledge I know not everything lasts forever and nothing is perfect and everything changes. These things I know for sure as well. But I am going to say it, write it, feel it, love it, acknowledge it and document it.

I HAVE NEVER FELT SO HAPPY IN MY LIFE!

I do need to figure out how my writing fits into my life. I need to write. I must write to examine myself, to learn about myself, but this space does not really feel like home to me anymore. I feel like a quest on this submissive girls blog. I am not her anymore.

So I will update sooner or later and if you want to follow my new blog I would love it, if not thanks for stopping by, and thanks for listening when I needed this blog to survive.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I have sat down to blog maybe 3 times since the last post, finding myself mid blog and loosing interest. I just closed the window and walked away. Tonight with two sleeping children before midnight I find myself at ease and wiling to explore my thoughts a bit.

So first, I am still happy. I know it is so brand new but I must say again, this was the way it was meant to be. And I still know nothing is guaranteed in life and still ask you to resist the urge to warn me I am moving too fast, because I know. I am not someone who has not been hurt before. JF has been with me almost every free moment he has had in since the end of May. I have become so comfortable in this idea of monogamy and love. Sometimes I think to myself one day I might regret giving up my lifestyle but for what? There is nothing I can not have with JF, that someone else will give me. And a one time fuck will not beat the overall happiness.

When I would go out and I would see an attractive black man, I would have a physical reaction. I dont have that anymore. I dont get that feeling that I would need to have sex with a stranger.

So the sad part... I really liked the people I had sexual relationships with. Most people who know me know I love or I hate. So if I kept you in my life I really enjoyed your company. So it does make me sad that those people are not longer a part of my life. In the car, I was thinking about people and thinking how maybe I need to fucking stop the madness and let it go. People end relationship everyday and never think twice about it. I am working on it letting it go, part of me still wants a friendship. But what would we talk about anymore...

I have been steadily letting go of stuff in my house. Each week I fill the trash can with bag after bag of things that once meant something to me, and now just feel like they are holding me down. My whole life has changed and the desperate woman who blogged in tears most nights is gone. My home is filled with love not stuff, I walk in my front door and I can feel the happiness in my home. I feel love here. My son is growing fast and still I need to look at him and really see - wow this is my son. I can not believe he is here and I can not believe the story of his life so far.  He is destined for amazing things.

I think one of the main reason this blog is not really a priority for me is because I used it to say things to let them go, but I do that with JF now. He is who I talk to.

So just so we all know I am still in reality, life does still suck from time to time. A newborn is HARD and life just is overwhelming at times and just blows sometimes, but that is just the day to day. Overall I have found peace. And I will cherish it for however long I have it.

Friday, June 22, 2012


Has the blog become obsolete? The very thing that sustained my existence no longer matters to me. It does not matter because  my heart is not lost anymore. I spent hour upon hour exploring myself on those pages, detailing how people treated me, how I treated myself, why I was not good enough. 
I question my motives at this point why I feel compelled to write tonight. I am frustrated with the day to day bullshit of life, infant care, and a very ill mannered 5 year old. But moreover I am almost paralyzed with a feeling that I am not good enough that I do not deserve this relationship with JF. I feel myself slipping into this neg. Attention seeking behavior.  I see what I do and I do not like it. 
And he says things that in reality I know should not hurt my feelings but they do. And not that they just hurt my feelings they send this lump in my throat feeling down through my body as I feel my heart sink and my stomach warm, the words just sadden me beyond his comprehension. Beyond my own comprehension. Why do I feel like I do not deserve to have a man love me? 
I kiss him. I want to know if he likes the way I kiss. Does he feel like I dont want him when I kiss him like all the others? I am afraid to ask. What if he does not like it... How would I even change that. Does he like to have sex with me? Do I make him feel good? I am so afraid to ask because if he said no, or anything hinting of I could do better, I feel like I just might die.
There is so much emotion wrapped up loving this man. I look back to the blog at the night I spent with him almost a year ago. I wrote “I spent the evening with a man that intrigues me more than words”. I remember leaving that night and the other nights I spent with him and smiling the entire way home. I remember not even feeling frustrated in a city I did not feel comfortable in. I just remember how peaceful and happy I felt. I left out details on the blog because even within in my anonymous blog I felt I would be judge for being swept off my feet and allowing myself to feel whatever. 
I remember he was joking introducing me to his roommate as his future wife. Fast forward one year: I have his baby, and I want to be his wife. 
So many things have held me back from loving him. I remember the last time I saw him I told him I was pregnant on the phone and still went to see him. I was overwhelmed and stunned. At that point I had realized I was not going there to have sex with this man, like my intention had been, but I was going there to just be near him. So why continue when I pregnant with what I thought was someone else's baby. I thought about him often, but again why bother. I did not think he really cared for me anyway. How could he.  I came over to lay in his bed and be with him, have sex with him. Even then I felt unworthy. He had something about going out to dinner or something and I remember feeling so incredibly ashamed of myself that I would just end this relationship before I would go anywhere with him. I could not go out with him. I was too embarrassed of what I looked like. I was even embarrassed to be naked with him. I did it, but I was not comfortable. He made want to do better and at the same time brought up all these feelings of self loathing. My body was like a scar of the dark places I had been and I could not hide it. 
During my pregnancy, I thought of him. I cant remember how we connected on Facebook but even as he reached out to me and said his door is always open. I rolled my eyes to myself and thought I would never darken his world with all the sadness in mine. 
So I catch myself looking at him wondering what his thoughts of me are. I want to know what he thinks of me.  He showers me with love everyday. I feel loved with him. He said something that over reacted too and as we were talking about it I just said " I am so broken". I am. I know that this blog gives a lot of insight into how I felt in the last year, but there are no words for the pain I was in and just how devastating it was. So to be blessed in so many ways now I feel like I have a little bit of trouble going with the flow and allowing myself happiness. 

There are many things he does not know about me. This blog, my anger, my intense self loathing and need for reassurance my need to be submissive and guided and yet things just have fallen into place. He has been here a lot and he is planning on moving here in the near future. Too Good to be true? I prayed so long for this and so hard, I will not turn my back on it when it comes. 

I do take a deep breath and check my emotions. Let me just take a few months to make sure this is how I feel. That I feel this way because he is who he is and not just because I had his baby. 

But I am ready for more now. I have spent much time cleaning my mind and my house of temptation and reminders. D's things - hit the trash. T's things in the trash... the hats, the shirts the ticket stubs the photos all served no purpose anymore. Then there is the porn. I have deleted it all off my phone and all off my desktop. And I have taken down all the profiles that I remember having. I want to give this a chance. I want to really give this man 100%. 

I did think we were too diffirent. That our different cultures would be too difficult but I respect him as a MAN. I think about things like maybe we were meant to be together and this is the only way i would get there. The Universe cleaned my life of everyone! Every temptation had been removed. 

I realize I am rambling. One last thing. This has not been all easy for me. To tell someone they can not come see me, is HARD. To Trust is hard. To stop behaving in the way I always have is hard.  Feeling emotions is Super Hard. Acknowledging I have so many issues and I am one fucked up woman was eye opening. Deleting porn is hard. It is like part of me is dying. Not that I am not ready for it. I am , but I am changing. Now I still like what I like, but I am not at the mercy of it to get some small sense that someone might love me. I know now that I am loved. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Perhaps Jw knew all along that things would change when the baby came, and he needed to move away from me.  I just knew nothing would change about how I felt about Jw. So with with JF here in my home with his son I began to feel differently.

Last week Jw and I had a conversation via IM and I got so angry and said " you cant treat me like nothing because I am submissive". That is how I felt like I was nothing to him. I loved him and he treated me like I was nothing. I understand why he did this but it hurt me. He showed me who he was and I dont ever want to be treated like I am nothing. If you are angry then be angry with me, but do not act like I just do not matter. 

After JF came by last weekend, I felt peaceful like maybe I will be able to find happiness in my life even if not with him but I was not alone in the world and like maybe there was a clear reason for this baby to be born. 

I said to my girlfriend when she asked me about him " I don't understand why but I WANT him. I want him in this inexplicable way" He always looks good and he smelled good. It was like a chemical reaction. I wanted him. I did not tell him this. 

But throughout the week, as we continued to communicate each night, I wanted him more and more. His concern with me, my extraordinary need for sex and abuse and my concern with him is this man feels like a stranger but the same time feels like I belong to him. 

I find myself happy in his presence. Just happy, my spirit sings, I want to be around him. nothing beats feeling this happy. Not even good abusive sex with some Mandingo dick. Nothing feels like this kind of peace. 

So I have to ask myself what is important in my life. Dick with people who say they may love me but never show it or life with someone who loves me and shows it in all parts of his life. This is easy for me to deciede. I want love in my life. I want a partner. I want to live not just exist. 

So I can see and hear Jw saying to himself - I knew it - as he reads this.  And to you I did love you, and i am sorry for the way things happened. I feel happy and I feel loved and if  a condition for me to continue to feel that way is to sacrifice the other people in my life who only have time for me every now and then and do not care for me, then I must sacrifice that. 

Just in case no one noticed -- I have not been living. I have been on the edge of the cliff wanting to die for a very long time. Wanting to die and trying to cope with life enough so you do not find yourself on the bridge one night is draining to the soul. 

So I hear the advice coming already. I know it all. I have had lots of changes in my life, hormones, post partum take time... etc... 

None of it Matters to me anymore. I believe in all my of my spirit God answered my prayer, I believe that my life was thrown into this upheaval for a reason. I could not get rid of people on my own, so God helped do that, but now I have to at least have the balls to say I am going to try to have a real relationship. 

That is the least I can do for myself. 

So I have been deleting temptation from my life, trying to with everything I can to make this work. I am not worried now, I have no desire to be anywhere then here with JF, but I know my weaknesses. If I have too much access and too much time to talk with other people I will have too difficult of a time. 

So I always add the fine print. 

I realize this may or may not work, that I may or may not get hurt, I may or may not come out better off, that everyone i know will be shocked and bewildered but I HAVE TO TAKE A CHANCE AT HAPPINESS!




Thursday, June 7, 2012

It it not lost on me - the irony of things that happen in my life. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about what I want and how to get to peacefulness most of the time. I can not pretend that my life has not changed and that so much has been taken away from  me. All this upheaval all this turmoil...should nothing positive arise from the storm?

And so I embark on this journey in my head of letting go of people in my life. Really letting the go. For instance, thinking what I have to think, writing what I need to write and deleting all evidence of them from my life. Letting them go and freeing myself from that cycle of negativity. I feel like I might be ready to stand alone. Really Alone for a minute. In all reality I have always stood alone, behind the facade of whatever relationship I was in. Let me just cut out the bullshit and be real. These are the thoughts I have been having. I have soul searching to understand this. I know for some of you it just seems like the DNA test was wrong whats the big deal. The big deal is just that I do believe that God heard my prayers and i am in awe about that. I prayed every day, I prayed so hard for God to give this child a father who loves him and he did.

But so it seems, perhaps the laws of attraction or the way of the universe testing me is to make offers abundant. Can I say I have had lots of offers for some sexual healing in the last week or so. It is kind of mind boggling to think I want I want I want it so bad and it is no where. I dont want it and it is everywhere. What is that? What purpose does that serve? Just like try try try to get pregnant and nothing, try not to get pregnant and I get a baby. Ridiculousness!

I spent some time with my daughter tonight, just her and I, swimming, out to dinner, because she is needing a little more attention. Her behavior is out of her character and I feel she might need a little extra. It is hard to love your kids through some behaviors, it is. As I was picking up the baby at my moms house, and my mom is walking leaving out, both my kids are screaming and I just shake my head.

We get home and my 5 year old daughter lost it. One hour freak out started because I would not let her have another snack. It broke my heart as my baby girl pushed me away and yellled "get away from me I dont want you" My baby who would run to my arms now pushed me away. I waited for her to stop freaking out and it did not come. I tried to distract, give her options, etc... but nothing. I finally said "I will wait for you to finish, I am not leaving, I love you" And for another 30 minutes she carried on. Then she put her arms out to me and needed to be hugged. I hugged her with everything I had an held her hand as she fell asleep. Children change you, they change everything about you and you would do anything for them. And then they break your heart.

I dont know where sex even fits in. Where? and When? Tonight is not bad 10:30 they were both in their own beds asleep, but not guarantee for that to happen with any regularity.

I stopped by work today. I miss those girls. I miss my job. I miss adults to talk to.



Tuesday, June 5, 2012

So did the Jamaican really call me and mention that he is back with his girl... that means no dick for me. Ugh. That frustrates me but also gives me relief. Relief I don't have to tell him no. Somethings have got to  change and I just need to cut out some extra. I seriously want dick but that dick does not really do what I need it to, and I need someone who can really use a condom. So that might be ok with me - as if I had a choice. I need to have with just one person, and at least make a whole hearted effort to make that work. At the very least that will ensure I dont get into the who is the babys daddy situation again, and maybe will help with other things too.

JF cleaned the neg. energy out of my room so I and the baby would sleep better. This is why I was seeing this guy in the first place. He helped my energy feel better. I would walk into his room and I was instantly relaxed. Just so peaceful, and nice to know someone who thinks like I do. However, we really disagree on my choice not to circumcise that baby.  I find myself digging my heals into the issue and saying to myself, there is no way we are cutting his penis. And it is the back and forth with that. What is ironic that I love to give up control in my relationships. I love to give that submission and trust in the other person that they are making the best choices. I have trouble giving into anything. Changing the baby's last name was difficult. It is a lot to absorb all of it. I feel so much more at peace, but it is a lot to take in. I was so used to and prepared to do all of this on my own, it is weird to allow him in. Even carrying the baby, I just do it all myself, and he stands there like "I can help" and then it occurs to me I have someone to help. I hand over the baby and watch him and try not to correct everything he does.

And with all good feelings they are followed up by scary ones, like what if he changes his mind? Maybe he will not want to do this for long? Maybe this is just new and fun to him but he will change his mind and not be interested, available, or willing to help. So when he left the other day he left the things he brought to "clean" the room, and when i saw it sitting there on my dresser I thought to myself, ok at least he will come back. Lets remember this man is pretty much a stranger to me, and my gosh is it hard to trust people will not crush my spirit again.

My ex continues to talk shit to me about this situation. He pretends the conversation is about his daughter but manages to throw shit in there that is inflammatory and hurtful every chance he gets, continuously bringing shit about our marriage up. For instance he says "...a month after  I move out you get pregnant....This is my favorite one. He says that to me to shame me, to make me feel like  a whore, and I always respond back in the same way. " I was trying to get pregnant for the 2nd time with someone else while we were married - and you were ok with that". He says the straw the broke the camels back was when I had D over one day when he was out of town and he found out about it. He thought that was the only time. Ok would he really be upset if he knew how often D was there with me, and our daughter. D would put her bed, play with her, just be there with us. He had to of known, he cant be that stupid, when he was working a 12 night shift you really thought I was going to not take advantage of that. He feels like he needs to assert he is my daughters father, to JF, just in case when he is here he feels like he needs to discipline her. I told him to get serious - I don't even let him discipline her. I do all the child rearing here, make all the choices, because my ex-husband is a dope, with narrow minded thinking, and limited capacity to learn and think about things in new ways. I will not raise a child like that.  And this is part of the reason why JF to me is such a relief. I know he will do his very best to nurture this child, to teach him and love him, and I don't have to protect the baby from the stupidity of his father. I said to my ex " Just don't embarrass yourself, and me" I am very embarrassed to have ever been married to him.

I am ready to go back to work. My girl from work called me today, and I found myself missing all the craziness of work. I love my job and the people I work with, I miss it, I miss the time we share just relaxing and talking.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

I am still feeling a bit like I am in the twilight zone. Did this really all happen? I can not believe the incredible events that have unfolded before me. I am still in shock from it all. I was so mentally fixated on the idea of having to do all of this alone and this child not having a father I can not quite wrap my head around now there is one here. And as I see a picture of my son in his arms on his Facebook, I am just a little bit taken back. Not unhappy just like Wow.

My mom and my girlfriend both said to me "You seem really peaceful". I feel really peaceful. I feel so relaxed and content, along with unsure and hesitate, but peace out weighs is all.

Again I dont know how things will proceed from this point and I caution myself to keep my expectations low, as lets get serious, he is a stranger to me. I still think about things like sharing input. For instance, I take a religious exemption for vaccines for my daughter. She gets them, almost all of them, but in a time frame I feel comfortable with, and there is something about the government forcing them on me that just does not sit well with me. Nonetheless this is something that we talked about and  something I dont want to have to negotiate.

I have decided, I must has some kind of bigger issue going on, as my body still hurts. The whole thing aches, all the time. I also have problems with word finding and logical thinking. Scary to really think about, but I am really struggling with my body still. I am sure sleep deprivation is  part of the problem, but I find myself not remembering how to get to place I go all the time, I just have trouble thinking. I go to the doctor next week. Maybe its a vitamin definciany? or post traumatic stress disorder? I  don't know but I still really want my body back - it was never perfect, but damm at least it worked.

I need a man near me. I need a man to touch me. I find myself through out my day just stopping and feeling thing pang of lust settle down in my body, as i involuntarily arch my back and throw my head back and let the image of man making love to me sink in to my mind. I don't know where sex fits in any more. I have the kid who never sleeps here and no privacy. Not to mention no one to have sex with. The Jamaican... but you know that does not really do it for me. And I thought to myself I wonder if I can have his Dad watch him so I get out of this house and feel like something other than a mom and personal milk station. I am 70% comfortable with him watching him, but i need to check out his parenting skills just little bit more, before that happens.


Friday, June 1, 2012

My mom finally brought over the camera so I could down load the photos of the birth of my baby. I downloaded but I was not able to view right away. It was all too upsetting. I slowing click through each photo, cringing at lots of things I see. There is this one pic the in the first second he was born as they placed him on my belly, my face, you could see the excruciating pain. It was stunning to me. Too personal to share here, but I had to mention it and then the other stunning picture my Mom took of the umbilical cord being cut, and my entire vagina displayed in the background of the picture. Got to Love it.

I finally told YB he was not the father. The text said "the Dna test was wrong". he said "so what does that mean",  "Bye". No name calling?? I wont be surprised if next week I get some mean texts after it all sinks in for him.

So today I took my son to the doctor and JF joined me. It is very bizarre, the entire thing. Start to finish. We had to take the baby for blood work and then to add him to the birth certificate.  I am not sure my expectations in this. I try to have none. He is still trying to prepare for this and I am still trying to understand this. So I cry at the doctors office, because we all knew I would. I cried when she asked me if i wanted to continue to breastfeed, and I dont. I would love to stop but I feel so guilty as I know it is best for him, I keep doing it, but I am not sure how much longer i can do it. I loathe it. And frankly I am  more interested in my boobs being used in a sexual way than I am them being milked like a damm cow. So I get teared up, we talk about blood tests and I tear up, and finally I cry when my baby starts wailing as they give him a vaccine. Again it is strange to share this stuff with a stranger, who speaks english as a second language is also weird. It was not as horrible as I thought it would be as he always peaceful and at ease. It is me who manages to work myself up into a frenzy over  just about everything. As he was leaving, he gave me some money. I did not ask for any money and I felt strange taking it. I am so used to shouldering all the responsibilities, for taking it all on myself. If I did not need the money I would not have taken it.

 We talked about child care arrangements, who has better more cost effective health insurance, the babys energy and spiritual health, my family his family, allergies, illness in the family. You know all the basics. By the end of the day I found him taking more concern to certain things that I do. "Put the baby in the car, too much sun out here" and other small comments that reminded me that this is real. Wow I really need to share my baby? Like is not my sole responsibility. I am not complaining, I feel like the burden of this has retreated a little and I can at least see that yes i will make it. I will be not dammed to poverty and loneliness forever, and there is someone else to hold this child's spirit together when I am unable to. Someone else to lean on if need be.

So someone says something to me today about having sex with him. That was not on my agenda and I did not think it was on his either. And in all reality, Im not sure I want have sex with him again ever. Seriously, birth control I would be always scared. And that is not how our relationship is or ever was. Sex with him was secondary to why I did go to see him. I went to see him for peace, for spiritual guidance. Not for dick. So with this in my head I thought how would I react if he did want to do that? I dont know how I even feel about that, but him spending several hours with me and it not coming up made me think about 2 things.
1. Is he not attracted to me? Do I look so bad that he does not want me anymore? Why does he not want me? And then to the next self loathing extreme is he embarrassed by me, what does he tell people when they say you did not know you were having a baby, etc? I hope you can appreciate how humiliating that is to say to someone, you are the 4th person I tested for paternity. maybe i just sicken him now?
2. It is so nice to have a father more interested in his child than me. And thank you for not wearing me down all day trying to get some pussy.  (D cared more about pussy than he ever did his daughter, so this is a nice change of pace)

And as I sit back and think about all of the things that have happened to me in the last year, I see that my life did need some upheaval. That God has COMPLETELY rearranged my entire life. Having a father for this baby who i thought would be unloved (by his father) forever is so incredible. I feel like I need to get down on my knees and thank god. How amazing. I know lots of people grow up with out a father but I felt so guilty for the way he was created, i was ashamed. Im not ashamed anymore. Or at least not today.

So I spend a lot of trying to figure out the logic here where maybe there is no logic. Could it really be I needed something so desperately and God gave to me...I have always believed in a higher power, I usually call him God, but to believe and to feel like prayers have been answered are two very different things.

This child and this pregnancy has really changed my life and everything I ever thought about people myself about choices and consequences. In this last year, not one part of my life has been left alone. Not one. It all, top to bottom, start to finish has changed.


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Divine Intervention? Perhaps just luck? I prayed to God for so long with all of my spirit that this child would have a father that would love him, that I would be able to share this childs life with someone, that I would not do this alone. While JF and I are both floored that this has happened we are muddling are way through and figuring out things. He wanted to come to the babys dr. appt Friday, and so begins this weird relationship with a virtual stranger. It bizarre but i could not be me more at peace with the entire process. And I start to realize - perhaps God is listening to me.

I must say this one more time. I got pregnant by a 40 year old man who wore I condom the one time we had sex. There is no doubt about this  - it was my destiny!

I was cleaning my car out today and found a piece of paper from when I had my tarot cards read. I write down what is important. She said to me that something will happen in the month of May and you will quickly see who your friends are, who you need to keep in your life and who you need to get rid of.
How accurate. She also said my child would be colicky and he is.

Finally some happiness and peace breathe some life back into my spirit.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

2 nights in a row my baby boy has slept. 2 inches from me but he and I have slept and I must say two half night of sleep later I dont feel as crazy emotional as I have. It is 11am and I have not cried yet. This is progress. I am painfully aware that I am not meeting my basic needs - Like food and sleep. I have been in the kitchen making something to have in the fridge. I tend to just wonder around hungry and decided nothing sounds good to me and then I eat nothing. Eating nothing is not helping with my weight loss either. It has been at a stand still since the quick 30lb drop. I feel motivated to do a little better here.

I found myself crying in my prayer to God last night that this Dna test comes back that he the father. I need to know and I need to stop obsessing. I also am scared that it would be that piece of shit asshole who I am sorry I ever fucked. Next Monday they say the results will be ready... so probably next Tuesday.  Holiday weekend really fucked that shit up too.. I extra 3 days of wondering.

I am starting to think I may not know who the hell i am and what the hell I want. I feel more lost than ever in terms of self confidence and self awareness and self actualization. I am just meeting my basic needs, at least enough to keep me alive no room for anything else.  i feel like i am going to get back to it soon.

Today I have begun to purge a bit of the stuff the clutters my life. 5 boxes of crap out the door already. When i moved I was too emotionally irrational to throw away or give away things that I did not need. It is a cathartic process to let it go now. I have most defiantly lost my way in life.

Only cried once today. Another low moment while holding my baby looking at him trying to figure out where he came from. And as the first tear fell down my cheek, my phone rings, it was the Jamaican. Thank God for good friends.

And as I typed this, my email chimed and I click over to see the results of my paternity test. And the guy last tested JF, the nice guy, the spiritualist, is the father. Or at least he has been nice... we will see. He is also someone I had sex with one time during that time period and we used a condom the entire time. USED A CONDOM the ENTIRE TIME! So having said that I thought to myself maybe he did this on purpose... but I remember talking to him when I found out I was pregnant and he talked to me about abortion. Seems like if he wanted to compromise the condom it would be to get me pregnant or other wise he would just want it raw right? There would be no benefit to intentionally doing something to a condom to get my pregnant just to get an abortion. I mean really God, what kind of luck is this? I cant get pregnant when i want to but I try not to and I get pregnant. Insane!

I had a good cry to relieve stress, called my mom, and texted JF. I forwarded him the test results. He said "let me text you later ok". I am so interested in how this will play out.

And so I need to tell YB. But seriously I feel like he is going to be an asshole to me so i am procrastinating.

Whew, i feel like I can breathe again. And I defiantly know that father wise it could have been so worse!

I really feel lighter and happier.....OmG the stress of that was really weighing me down. I still think it is insane but I feel more sure that this had to be God's intent at work.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Let's get back to the business. Sex!  I have been ready, or felt ready for a week or so. I had intended to see Jw, but as one person I was talking to who reads the blog said "he is a bit of a flake anyway". I was surprised I guess because I never see that part, unreliable at times yes, but I always want to ignore the negative and live for the positive. So I waited for Jw, but I have decided that maybe this baby situation is too much  or something, Im tired of being punished or feeling like I am being punished for something I can not change. And I can see my all accepting behavior will just continue to leave me empty. I have to remember to learn something from the 9 year love affair / obsession with D. Because where did it leave me.

Ok So after my one night of uninterrupted sleep I spent the day with my sister and mom, reconnecting with my family, crying to the women in my life, laughing, yelling, talking, supporting. I come home and the Jamaican  comes over. He offered to come over to help with the baby. I truly appreciate that kind of help. I watch him with the baby and he is in love with him, it is kind of heartbreaking to be reminded, he is not the father, but so wants to be. We don't get upstairs til 11 and I try to get this child asleep. I see him watching me as I bend over the crib with my short pajama top just barely covering my ass. I did pull out a condom earlier in the day because I wanted it. I was scared and nervous but I needed it. I get into the bed and you can feel the sexual tension. He touches me and I am silent with fear. "We just going to experiment" as he rolls the condom down.  I cant articulate the fear right then, but it immediately does not  feel the same as it always has. It felt good, but it felt different. I defiantly  needed it and as I want to move my body to pull him closer into my body, I want to grind my hips on him a bit, but it just did not feel like I would hope it would. To be clear it was not him, it was just brand new feeling, it was not the familiar feeling I was looking for. So it does not last long maybe five minutes. I feel him cumming in the condom and I start to freak out inside, and tell him to get it out. If I really did get pregnant without using a condom then I just am afraid it will happen again. But the best part was, as soon he rolls himself off of me and is laying next to me, I start to cry. I just want my body back. I want my life to look like my life. I want to recognize my life or maybe I dont. I want to be happy and not feel this soul draining loneliness. I cry and he holds me a bit, wiping tears from my eyes. I was not anticipating being so emotionally raw - which is just plain stupid of me because my emotions are a great big open wound. We went to sleep taking turns waking up taking care of this child who never sleeps. He loves me, and I love him, but as I cry in his arms he says to me that he knows I am lonely and I am looking for someone to be with, to fall in love with. He comforts me but also cautions me to how it will never be if I can not be with just one person. Ummm not sure if I am ready to believe that but he does say to me in so many words... I got to change what I am doing to change the outcome. Today he supported me, and I am almost ready to say maybe I can change some of my destructive behavior.

I wanted to have sex more this morning, but he was not really pushing it ( i guess not after I cried last night) and i was not asking. The drive for sex is defiantly still there and unchanged, it is the way it physically feels.

I am not sure exactly where my extreme unhappiness is coming from. I think it is the hat trick .... divorce pregnancy financial.

I am still grieving the loss of my marriage, not my husband, but my marriage. I enjoy marriage, I want a partner in life. I have deep jealously for happily or content married people. I am still adjusting to my new house, my new town, my new identity, and how that affects my daughter and how her life is so different and less fun than it was. Not to mention the loss of D...

The pregnancy hormones, the physical beating my body and my vagina took, the humiliation and shame I have been subjected to. The whole not knowing who or how I managed to get pregnant, the threats from men, the affect of pregnancy of relationships. All of It!

The financial fears of not knowing who the father is... when I find hin, child support, how do I pay for day care etc... From upper middle class, to middle class, to lower middle class to a single mother of 2 who is just 4 years of day care away from loosing everything I have ever worked for.

So there is no fixing any of that. I try to just take it a day at a time, but I dont know how long I can keep that up. Every single day is such a struggle. For a year now my days have been filled with tears and stuggle. I just don't remember having fun or enjoying much of anything in the last year and I think I thought the key was just giving birth. I was believing some convoluted idea that just as soon as I gave birth my world would fall back into place, the birds would sing again, I would see rainbows and sunshine everywhere I go. That clearly is not happening.

So here are the good things I can say right now. My milk supply is up and I am not stressing about that anymore. The Jamaican is helping me more than he knows. My parents continue to help where ever they can. I have two healthy kids. Even though i may not have money for any thing extra I can at least pay my bills and I have no debt. I have skills I have education and I have great ability to suck it up and do it for a long time. or I used

I think i really thought I would have this baby and i would spend the next 3 months just living a life of leisure. I need to readjust my expectations. Like about sex, when can I expect for it to feel right? I am afriad I will go back to the dr. and they will tell me something horrible like I need reconstructive surgery. I wish I had that birth on tape. I am not sure if anyone not in the room will understand the brutality of it all. BRUTAL! I know people do this all the time, but I dont know it was like nothing I ever imagined. I think I need therapy still.

Even this I feel like blog is not where I want it to be, and has not been for so long. I do not want to be a reason that grown men are brought to tears reading my sad story. I want this to be amusing, and real and I want it to allow me to explore my relationships but not where I writhe in emotional pain but where I explore and critique myself.

And relive hot sex scenes.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

My mom offered to watch my babies for me tonight while I get some sleep. I was reluctant to take her up on her offer but I knew the desperation was too much. I was going to loose it. It is 4 am. I have been sleeping since 830p. I was expecting to wake up a few hours ago to pump. Usual the baby wakes me, enough so I can pump, but this morning I was woken up with huge swollen leaking tits and covered in milk. So since then I have been awake,  missing my babies. I kinda want to go get them, or call or something I miss the baby a lot.

So with 7 hours of consecutive sleep I do feel a bit more sane. Things are a bit clearer for me, which is nice. Its good to not feel crazy. I had to stop taking the herb to help me produce more milk, I think it was really making me crazy. I feel less intense now, but I still feel the effects of the herb... I still smell like a Indian Resturant. The herb is a spice used in Middle East with a maple syrup hit to it. My milk supply is better anyway, I cant fuck with that shit anymore.

I have decided to supplement the breast-milk with formula and stop feeling bad for it. So tonight with all this time to myself Thought wow what do I want to do. With formula that means i can pump and dump and partake in anything I want. I thought maybe I want to smoke a little, but who knows whats in that shit and how long that will stay in my milk, how about a drink.. nah I am afraid it will fuck up my sleep. benedryl...nope might dry up my milk, ativan... no they dont know how long that stays in your milk. Ok fuck it... I just laid down and listened to a guided meditation and let my body "feel the healing light".


Friday, May 25, 2012

Formula may have been the reason I got 5 hours of sleep last night. That is fantastic. I was sad giving it to him but I must say with a few hours of sleep under my belt I could care less. In fact about one more day away from giving it up all together. I dont know why I have having so much trouble with supply and for 3 days now I have been pumping almost every 90 to 120 minutes. Im about to be done.

It about 3p and this is when I start to get tired, to be followed by the witching hour, 7pm where I totally loose it. I feel like I will die from exhaustion and usually cry in deserparation. I am kind of hoping something changes soon, it has been almost a month and I feel just as exhuasted and run down as I did week one. I am so tired I feel like there are times I am beginning to hallucinate.

I had a conversation with HR today. I need to add the baby to my health insurance, and as she says to me, so it is still just parent and child.. not the family... meaning are you still single. Thank you for the reminder.

My ex has been being a little bit territorial lately. He was angry the Jamaican was here, and threw up the divorce agreement in my face. I have followed the guide lines of the agreement and more to the point, he is my friend. It is not as though we are kissing, or doing anything romantic, he is my friend and that is how my daughter knows him. The ex just being a asshole. I feel like saying.. she is my kid, your just the guy I was married to when I had her.  At the end of the day, I am the mother and I know what is best for my kid.

I had a look at the baby today, and he looks right in my eyes, I just start to cry. I feel so sorry for all of this. For the way he was brought into this world, for my lack of knowledge about who he is, for my resentment surrounding this entire pregnancy, for feeling so sad. He is a month old and already feel my choices as his mother have already had a neg. impact on his spirit. I just look at him and I hope I can turn this shit around.

As I write, I hear the words of my friend repeat in my head... post partum? Could be or is it just exhaustion and humiliation? Maybe my heart is broken and nothing will every fix it. Maybe my life will never look the way I want it to and I need to grieve for what I have lost. I dont even know who I am anymore. I feel so empty, and I am going through this while the rest of the world moves along.

I feel like he took my choices away. He took the right for me to live my life away. I can take the responsibility of getting pregnant when not using protection. That is my fault. But getting pregnant when using a condom seems like well... like I want to blame him. Whoever that maybe. And maybe that makes me no better that YB and every other piece of shit who made me feel like I did something to them because they needed to be included in the DNA test, but I feel like someone stole my life from me. Stole every chance I had to meet someone and have a baby with someone I love. I just feel like it is all over now, the path has been picked, the plans have been put into motion and my life is no longer one that can be salvaged. I just feel like I will always be left with the scraps of what is left of my own free will. I am angry. I want to make the choices in my life. I want to. I feel like that was my right and it was taken from me. And yes I know I left with a beautiful child, I hear everyone tell me that. Look at all the blessings you have, etc... I just don't feel that way. I am so lonely and so sad. My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed. I am just not sure   I will recover from this.


Forgot to post that yesterday....
Today my only thoughts are how much suffering must I endure? And why can I never just be.. and just be content and at peace? Is this normal? And what has happened to me in my life that i have this intense level of self loathing.

I totally feel like I would snap if I had to go another 24 hours on no sleep. My mom offered to watch both my kids and I just dropped them off. I am hoping something will change with sleep. I am so on the edge of sanity. Its a fine line and I feel like I got one foot over the edge already.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Another sleepless night. I have spent the day (the entire day) cleaning my bedroom. I hate to have the clothes in my drawers not folded and organized. I can not stand having nothing but kid stuff all over my room. I need a little more sanity around me. I am also nursing or pumping every hour now to try to increase my milk production. I never had this problem last time. I had too much milk last time. I am taking some herbs to help too, that is just making me sweat and smell like maple syrup. This is so much fun. I had a good cry and grieved about this breastfeeding thing and decided he is getting formula tonight. It saddens me because it is not the way it should work. My body should be able to nourish my child and I should  be able to do this, and do happily and lovingly, but it is not happening and I am throwing in the towel. ( Had some tears just typing that). I remember feeling so cheated with my daughter I never was able to breast feed her because she was so early, she could not suck or breath quite right, so I pumped for months and months, but I don't love this breast feeding thing as much as I hear other women talk about it. It is messy and I don't feel closer or bonded to him while he is nursing vs any other time. I just feel impatient and irritated at times that I am stuck in one spot when there is SOOO much to do.

I have noticed the need to have sex has increased dramatically in the last few days. It is on my mind all the time. Friday really cant come soon enough.

I have been just resolving my situation in my head, trying to be patient and positive. I have not told YB about his non parent status as of yet. My friends tell me not to tell him, but that is not ok. I will tell him as soon I get some definitive answers.  I think a text like "Hey Fuck Face - Your Not the Father - Bye" will sum up everything i need to say to him. But I am sure he will want to get more info. Sad to me that situation ended. The people I have sex with or will have sex with has really dwindled down. There are not many. In fact I can really only think of 2, Jw & the Jamaican. Everyone else I would not want in my home with my baby so I would have to go out and that is not happening at this point. Then their are the relationships that have been altered forever by this. It was certainly interesting getting such an up close introspective into peoples lack of character and ability to act like an adult. I have been also pleasantly surprised by some people as well.

I do feel a little bit of peace and feel somewhat confident about this guy...who I guess I need to give a name... I might be wrong, but it is not stressing me. I am calling him JF. When my son was born,  I looked at him, and the first thing I said was "he does not look like I thought he would".  And something did not just sit well with me with the DNA test. I did not know why, but I just doubted it. And finally after seeing JF Monday and looking at him and my son, I could see, or at least I think I can clearly see a resemblance. I finally know who he is. I just felt peace about his origins, but then felt very betrayed. I really can not imagine this man doing this on purpose, but I have learned that sometimes there are dark sides to people even if I don't want to see them, they are there. It is a hard place to be to be angry about an unexpected pregnancy and a new mother falling in love with her son. I try not get to emotional invested in this person being the father, because frankly I am painfully aware that can be surprised, but I do think about what it means for this person to be the person who created this brand new person with me. I think about all the stars that had to align just right for this baby boy to come into my world. From the sex with a condom, to the difficult choices about abortion, to the threats to my saftey from YB. It is had not been for my parents unyielding support, I would have to chose to abort. I will never forget the day YB had been very very persuasive, and I had made an appointment for an abortion, and I was loosing it, I got in the car and I wanted to die. I wanted to die I wanted it all to go away, and as I call my mom from my car thinking about some way I could escape this she held me up and never stopped.

What was the point of all this? All the relationships ending. 2011 was the record holder for year with the most heartache and relationships ending. What an incredible profound year, if there is not a larger purpose in all of this than i really need to think about my whole philosophy in life.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I am about to be real honest here and I feel bad for even feeling this way. I have spent some time thinking about this new father possibility, and I feel some what confident this might be it, although I am carefully optimistic at this time, because the reality is condoms are suppose to work or I just was totally unaware of what was going on. I am embarrassed about this new fact. Lets face it having to test a boat load of people to test is embarrassing to me, but now we are getting into a whole new adventure but testing people that I am embarrassed to admit that this is what I was doing.  I feel a little defensive. He is not in particular like the type of my men i would usually be with. Although he would fall into the "best case scenario" at this point. Im just testing these people one at a time now. If he is not it  I will go down the list testing in order or probability, until I get to the scary piece of shit who threatened me, and I will have to take him to court to get him to comply. I am praying it does not come to that. Is this the divine intervention I asked for. I have talk to this new father possibility over the last 9 months. I actually called him ( since he offered) while i was in labor so he could pray for me... how ironic. How freaking ironic? Or did he know? Did he do this on purpose?

I am beyond excited tonight to be going to get my hair done, a pedicure, manicure. I need that bad. I am frustrated I have not been able to loose anymore weight since the initial 30lb drop and i feel like I have been maybe cutting back to much and that is why my milk supply is not as good as it was. So I am pumping every hour and half to every hour to fix that problem, but it does feel like a bit of set back. I have been walking too and still no weight loss. I am hoping that with a paternity test result I will have some peace and relax a little bit and life will fall into a rhythm and I might get back to loosing some weight.

I am ready to have sex. I am beyond ready. Just 3 and half weeks ago I though I might never recover, but I am so freaking ready. I am hoping get back into things on Friday. Beyond excited, but so nervous. I look different i feel different, but my mind is the same, I want the same experience. But will this child of mine sleep so I can get some? I remember when I had my daughter and being with D, and having to get up and tend to her in the middle of it. Not weird then it was his child. I also remember hating him for holding me down and not letting me get up. I dont let my babies cry if I dont have to. He was so selfish but i loved feeling like i was his world in those moments our bodies were connected.

I am really ready. I am trying hard not to get myself all worked up by looking at porn, or reminiscing too much. I want to keep this feeling of being on the brink of sexual explosion til friday. I want to need it so my nerves dont get in my way.

Monday, May 21, 2012

I have been putting off the blogging. I wanted to and then I thought let me wait because I don't feel like blogging with one hand while i feed the baby is really serving its purpose. I cant think or say what i want.
The test results came back. It appears that according to the test results none of the three are the father. Ok did I not mention this was my worst fear. I was holding on to having closure, to being sure, to moving on. Initially I am like somewhat in disbelief that this is my life. And then I am not sure what to do next. Do I trust this lab? do I redo the test? The lab tells me to test everyone possible and to expand my dates since it is not possible to tell exactly what day i got pregnant. So i tested everyone there was a remote chance could have gotten me pregnant. So now I am left with the old dom, who had a vasectomy like 15 years ago, or 2 people I did not write about on here who did where a condom. One of which hates me more than YB and would be a bigger asshole than YB, the other at least is a good person. Then one other that I did talk about here. I think this shit is beyond crazy. So am I really to believe the week I got pregnant, Jw came in me, Yb fucked me raw, and the condom came off with the Jamican, and someone who wore a condom the whole time managed to get me pregnant... of course that is after me fervently trying to get pregnant for the 5 months prior with d... what a joke this is.

The Jamaican cames over Friday to help me. I need help with so much. He was very helpful, cutting the grass, helping with the baby, all kind of shit. I was glad he was here but I also learned some valuable lessons.
1. I will always prefer to do it myself! I may not be able to, have time to but I would really prefer to do it all by myself.
2. Despite Jw taunting calling the Jamicain my boyfriend, nothing could be further from the truth. He is a good person and I like him a lot, he is my best friend right now, but never ever could I be in a relatinship with him. It is just not that kind of thing. And if I was ever unsure of that, spending friday sat and part of sunday together firmed that up. He is a lot like my ex husband, drives me nuts sometimes.
3. My patience is a little bit on the low side. Having someone here watching me, made me aware of just how much I had to hold my tounge, when I felt like saying some shit, or how sometimes a persons very presence makes me want to scream. I needed to be alone.
4. I learned that if I dont get some control in my life soon I will be medicating because Im a fucking mess.
5. And I fucking hate when people dont talk loud enough i can hear them.
6. I really enjoy alone time A LOT!

I am on my way to collect another damm dna sample. This shit is so ridiculous.

I cry the whole to get the sample. The thought of not knowing who this child's father is makes me physically ill. I get there, I go into his apartment, I watch him do the swab, we seal the envelope and talke for a few minutes. I have to feed the baby, and we check out features, and I ask again... We used a condom right? He says yes and I remember the dam kind of condom it was, I remember where he kept them and I remember him putting it on. I must say looking at the two of them, there are some similarities. The ears are very similar, the nose the eyes... the only thing that felt off was the bridge of the nose right between the eyes... I dont know.. At least this guy is nice, he does not hate me and he is not acting like a pussy.

I must say this experience has quickly rid my life of douche bags. You can real see the character of a man by how he responds in this situation. They all fucked me, and to me you have sex with someone then you must be aware that there are certain inherit risks and you enter this non verbal sex contract that says -I know there are risks and nothing is fool proof. I assume all responsibility for what ever happens because I know there is a risk invovled. You cant drink and drive and be surprised when you get in trouble... And for me this has clearly showed me what kind of person I would want to spend any time with in my life. A MAN. One who maybe not necessarily be happy about any of this but does not respond by belittling, humiliating or threatening me. Man Up, own your behavior and deal with it. I love the "it is not me", "Im not getting tested""dont ever call me again".

So going to get the sample, I am sitting on his bed feeding the baby. I have not been back there since Sept 3. It was a little surreal. Even though I am distraught and sad, embarrassed and exhausted, I remember why I liked him in the first place. He is peaceful. His room is peaceful, his spirit is peaceful, it makes me want to lay down and relax and this is why we had sex in the first place. I was so relaxed and happy in his company. It has been a long time since I have had sex and i wanted it right then and there.  So is there something wrong with me that I am collecting the dna sample for the paterntiy test and I can only think of two things. I am so sad, I need to try not to cry, and Damm I really want some dick right now.

I only stay about 1o minutes, it is clear to me, despite his peace and kindness I am going to be overwhelmed with sadness soon and I would like to go before I start to cry uncontrollable. He looks at me with a very sad look. Like he maybe can feel how I feel. He quietly walks me to my car and watches me put the baby in his seat, and I turn to get in the car and he hugs me. i go, cry a bit on the way home.

Friday, May 18, 2012

"Test is taking longer than we expected"was the response for the lab... or all I hear in my head...This is a reminder from God to stop fucking up your life, and He said he would have to delay the results until he sure you know how bad you fucked up.

Here is my day:

Wake up 5am after a 40 min rest, lay there and whimper at the thought of no sleep. Get excited i don't have to get dressed and drive my daughter to school, then I see her hair and I have to braid. So I am up. In my breast milk saturated pajamas, braiding hair, hearing my ex come in downstairs to pick up my duaghter. He brought breakfast. I don't go down stairs because no man, not even my ex, should see me.

I call the babys doctor as it is clear to me he is having some issues with his stomach. I call she says - i can get you in in 20 mins. Great since I live like a block away. I get dressed and go to change the babies diaper to find him covered in poop. Poop Every wear. I marathon bath him, get shower myself, get in the car, forgot to dry my hair... OMG my shirt is soaked I forgot to dry, thus comb my fucking hair.

Long story short, dr wants baby to have an ultra sound of his stomach, she concerned about something she is feeling. She gets me an appointment for an hour from then. Ok, I run home for the pump and off to the hospital, that she warns me, depending on the results I will have to stay at. Need for surgery she was trying to rule out. I call my Mom, who offers to come with me,  but I decline, there is no time anyway. And I get on the highway and I cry. I cry and yell and try to gather some strength to get through the next 2 hours with out crying there. Mostly I just sob on the car ride.  - He had the test and he is fine, I feel grateful but exhausted and just in disbelief of the turmoil in not only my life but my sisters. I cry a lot when I think bout her. It is all too much. Just one tragedy at a time would be nice.

I come home, I get about an hour, I talk on the phone for a bit, talk to Jw a bit online. He says the baby does not look like him. I start to cry. I dont want to hear that. Ok  I know i keep saying this, and that I must appear to be in denial. I know what the reality is. Trust me i know. But hearing it, acknowledging it is not easy. I fucked up so bad, I dont want to believe it sometimes. Somedays I just day dream about how things would have been diffrent had I not stopped by that morning, would Jw have gotten pregnant? and what would that be like?  All the what ifs flood my mind and all I can think about is how i fucked up, and how this fuck up will have far bigger consequences than my usual fuck up. How do i even move on from this one? How do i learn a lesson from this? And can I expect to just learn a lesson, this has changed my entire life forever, is that not enough, do I need to change everything I am? Is that the purpose of all of this - to change me? I dont feel any different, I just feel unlucky. I feel sad and unlucky and like I have set myself down a path I will never be able to exit, but it did not change me. It did not make me question my aversion to monogamy, or my quench my desire to be used and abused sometimes.

Looking at that baby of mine, I just feel so sorry. I did not expect to be so overcome with remorse and regret. So was this Gods plan or my lack of control at work? I dont know what to expect in the next few months, but I hope some kind of happiness returns to my life. I dont want to feel like I fucked up my life forever just because I had a baby. But it is not so much about the baby, but the situation. The overwhelming sense of being alone, and no end in sight, the strained financials situation, the lack of sleep lack of enjoyment lack of any kind of happiness. At some point I feel like switching him to formula and medicating myself with all the drugs they will give me until I can achieve some sense of peace and happiness. Fruitless, this is no my mind that fucked up, it is just the way it is.

I want someone to save me. Someone to come in my door right now, hug me, and usher me up to bed, massage me, make love to me, clean my house, watch my children, make me dinner and just care for me. I want to be taken away from all of it. Someone to lean on and take me under his wing, and say I got this... let me take care of this for you. I want to make Yb into a human being, and  I want him to not act like I wanted this. Why would anybody want this?

Thursday, May 17, 2012

No test results yet... 5p pacfic time, he "hopes" they will be ready then.

I have been a little bit unsure of what I am feeling. I know sadness but unsure why. I took the baby to have pictures done this morning. I look at the pictures on the screen and he looked like Jw to me. And then as i am looking at these picture I begin to tear up, and I feel myself loosing control of my emotions. I have to bring some focus back and I manage to get out of there with only one tear rolling down my face.

In the car I call the DNA people, and Barry who I have talked to alot, brings my case up so he can review it. "Whoa, okay well it good you are having the follow up test. There is no way Jw can be the father but I would like to double check YB and the Jamican". I start to cry. I think it hurt me to hear that there is no way that Jw could be the father, not that i dont already know that information, I mean it says it right on his results sheet, but maybe I am praying for some human error. Could I have fucked it up... I dont care how it happens but can i just get some divine intervention on this one. He and I continue to talk about all the ins and out of DNA and all that good stuff. People always say follow your instinct, but how do you know you instinct from denial. I always felt it was far fetched that YB could be the sperm donor based on our activities, his dick was out of my body for like 10 minutes before he came... Anyway.

I was driving over to see the Jamaican. I told him I might stop by after the pictures, and I should have told him I was not coming when he called to see if I was coming or not. My heart was not there. I really needed someone to hold me up, love me, just take me away from all the heartache. He sometimes can do this. Not today. His mood was a little shifty today. I knew right away I should not have come. I think he is more stressed then me about this DNA test. To make it better by the time I got there, I had to pump, and his cousin was there... The whole pumping thing is killing me, it is very hard to keep this kid in breast milk. I need like at least 24 oz a day, and he is rapidly needing more and more, which means i have to feed him more at the breast (like all the time) or I am pumping every 2hours.  Anyway I pump in his bedroom, which is weird, and of course he acts very casual about the whole thing, coming in talking to me while I am doing it. In my head i am thinking, this shit is crazy, and he I am sure thinks it is just natural, because he pays it no mind. We go for a walk, and I am ready to leave. We are not meshing, and I am ready to cry and I dont want him trying to hug me. LoL. For some reason it is I really appreciate and enjoy his company or I cant stand him. No real in between.

Although while I was there, changing the baby talking to him, he smiles at me and says "you really love him" and I really thought to myself ahh yes I do love him. This intense love creeped up on me. I was always concerned that if I had another child I would not love it like I loved D child. I always saw my daughter as a expression of that love I had for him. This child is a bit different and i was concerned maybe I would not love him as much or more to the point I would have to try harder to love this one.

Having said all that sad emotional stuff let me also add I actually had some real jeans on today and at least tried to look like a a little bit of what I used who I was... and today walking to the car seeing a man looking at me... I smile at him.... AHHH yes its coming back. Slowly but I see a glimer of hope I will regain my full sexuality.


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Dear God this is not going to work. How am I going to take care of this child who does not sleep and function. He does not sleep. He moans and whimpers all night. Holy Shit. I think I might have gotten maybe one hour of sleep last night.  I am scared at times at my state of delirium in the middle of the night. I am so exhausted I am afraid. I am thinking about moving the baby into his room, just so I can have that extra time to wake up before I get him, so I am fully awake, but then I will be up checking on him all the time. Its a no win situation. I am sure you might be wondering why I have time to do this if I have had no sleep... this keeps me sane. This is mandatory right now, because if I dont have it I will loose my mind.

I spent a lot of the night looking at my son and crying, feeling so sad for what I have done. I am trying to get to a place of not caring about YB's comments or his apathy, but it hurts me. It hurts me that I am caring for him alone, it hurts me I fucked up so bad.  I studied my child's face a lot of those waking hours of the night. I see nothing of myself, and I cant pin point if he looks like YB or not. I never wanted something more in my life than this test to be wrong. I know that I am grasping at straws but it would just be nicer not to have to explain that asshole to someone.

I hear my daughter on the phone with my ex.."oh Daddy your so funny'. Then I cried harder. He deserves a dad and a mom. It is just not fair.

Men disappoint me. How do you create children and not care? I don't get it, I never will, I think we need to start sterilizing men who do that, and women too that abandon their children.


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I talked to YB via text today. I used to really believe that everyone has good in them. I really believed that will all my heart, but I must say after todays conversation I feel like this son of a bitch is just evil. He continued to tell me what a piece of shit I am, how I will never amount to anything, that I lied and manipulated the situation. That I am using him as my meal ticket and he says "I have no interest in your runt". Ok wow. So again right actions and right thoughts will end in right outcomes... what happened to that universe?

  He is not even thinking clearly and does not even see how stupid he sounds, because if he did he would understand that he is the worst case scenario. There is a small part of me that wants to cause him some heartache, humiliate him, make him cry a little bit, make him sorry for being such a fuck face. I keep telling myself to let it go, that he will need to answer for his actions in life at some point, and not to me. I am not his judge not his jury not his conscience.

 As I read these mean spirited text, I hold my baby boy tighter and pray to God he will never hurt from the absence of this person in his life.  I said something on the text, how I am praying the DNA is wrong still and he says he knows its not and quickly acknowledges he is the father. I thought that was very weird. He tells me in a boastful way how he completed both of his degrees, and now is taking some kind of exam to be a state trooper. That is just what the state needs - this sick fuck carrying a gun. He mentioned how he was so angry with me he had thought about "doing some things that would land him in jail". Nice.

My heart just maybe a little more broken then it was. To be clear I am ok if this retard is not a father but to not care anything about your child, not want to see him, or even know his name, that shit hurt.  My baby did nothing wrong and one of the people who should love him unconditionally does not even want to look at him. What kind of human being is that?

He even had the balls to say "because of me it is even hard for him to have a relationship right now". Wow really, so what stops you from having a relationship? What an asshole. What a mother fucking asshole.

I just could not be any nicer to him, and I have asked him for nothing yet, and I have been more than gracious and flexible. How can a person be so fucking mean?

One last prayer - God PLEASE let anyone other than YB be this boys father.
"You up for company" she says after I reluctantly answer the phone. "ugh" I hesitate. "Well I am in front of your house".  My crazy girl friend. I guess that is the way to do it, otherwise I would have never told anyone I was up for company. I was glad she came over. I needed to talk to her I needed my friend to boost me up and bit. I thought it was funny, she said..."oh wow he looks just like YB"... LoL wtf. It was good to talk to her, I dont know why I push people away so much, because I actually do like the company, i like the interaction.

I did call the Dna Lab yesterday the results are due in on Thursday evening, so eastern time that is like 2 am ... Friday morning. I feel like calling it a day on the whole thing. Maybe it is better to never really know. I have had enough with the whole thing. I am close to just loosing it. I dont care who the father is at this point, just want to feel sure about the results and keep it moving.

My mom slept over last night to get up with the baby so I can sleep. What a world of diffirence sleep makes in how a person feels. I feel fucking fabulous today, like I can think clearly. I dont feel quite so desperate either. Maybe sleep is the issue... or at least a large part of it.

I did break down yesterday and broke out my long missed magic wand. I needed an orgasm to release some stress. I was scared though. I thought I might hurt or something. It did not. I was trying to get that incredible body shaking orgasm but I could not get there, too many distractions. But it was good, and did relieve some stress. I can not wait to FUCK! My body needs it and my mind is ready for it, I still think my body needs some time but i dont know how much longer I can take this.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Mother's Day not as fun as I would have hoped. I frankly have no expectations as I am  frequently let down, but I was pretty sure no matter what happened it would be better than last year. I had plans to go out to breakfast with a group of women, including my Mom and Sister. My sister did not want to go since she is so overwhelmed with the health of her son, I was really not excited to get up early, but I also know I need to get out of this house as much as I can or I will loose it. Long story short the 3 of us decide to scrap the idea.....later in the day my Mom tells me they all went - without me. "You said you wanted to sleep in" she says to me. Teary eyed and feelings hurt I just say "whatever mom". That really hurt my feelings, and it is really hard being alone all day everyday. Some kind of human contact would have been nice. My Ex had my daughter, he brings her back about 12, and says "I asked her what she wanted to get you for Mother's Day - but she did not want to get you anything, so she made you a card". Ok really... that one was hard not to cry in front of my my daughter. I could not even looked at my ex, and he just kept standing around, and I kept saying "Daddy is leaving, go say goodbye". Christ even the card was a piece of paper and her writing on it with a red pen. Wow he really went out of his way.  Even last year, even last fucking year after he told me he wanted a divorce on Mothers Day and did nothing with my daughter, I managed to swallow my anger and help her create something special for him. I have always done it for her. It was a low day yesterday and truthfully my feelings are still hurt. Maybe that is part of my issues, I just never feel important to anyone. I have been crying most of the last 24 hours, weepy and sobbing, everything makes me sad. I am not sure if this is hormones still of if this just my fucked up life.

The Jamaician calls me a few times. He hears me crying and he knows I am sad, so he keeps checking in on me. He said something in our conversation "...I know your heart was broken while you were pregnant...". That is a good way to say it. My heart was broken and is broken, all from my own doing but still broken. It does not matter how strong I am, how much shit I can take at the end of the day I am alone and I need to figure out someway to pick these pieces of my life.


I was happy to have my daughter home with me, and she wanted to go outside and play with the water. So I am sitting on the porch holding the baby, and thought I would get the mail, I had let pile up all week and begin reading it.  I see this letter from the state and I get scared. I open it to see that it is in reference to the newborn blood work that is done in the hospital. All I see is Sickle Cell at first and I start to cry instantly, it took me a minute to realize that they are telling me that they believe he is a carrier of the gene - but does not and will not have the disease. This brought up so many feelings for me. The realization ( I know this sounds stupid) that he really had another persons genes, not just mine, that he is not just mine, that like it or not a man helped create him and is part of him. And just utter sadness. And I look at him and he is so perfect and wonderful, how he can he carry this gene? How can he not be perfect? I was bothered by the news via letter I had so many questions and I never knew much about Sickle Cell, but i knew that white people did not get it. I did figure out that if he has a baby there is a 50% chance he would pass this trait to his child, no the disease just the trait, and if the child's mother has the trait there is a 25% chance of passing the disease to a child. So the panic diminished a bit, it is good to know I guess before you have children. It was just a bit overwhelming to read and process.

I remember talking to the Jamaican when i was pregnant about how I just felt like i had no choice here. That this pregnancy made me feel like I was just along for the ride and that I had not say in any of it. I most defiantly feel that way still. I know I made a choice to have sex I know that, but i did not choose for the condom to malfunction with the Jamaican, and for the life of me I don't know where my head was at when i was so laid back about that happening, like it never occurred to me I could get pregnant. YB I chose to have sex, but I did not feel like I had a choice. Or maybe it is more clear to say I felt to paralyzed to assert myself about the condom. It is so hard to stop and put a condom on,  but he came in my mouth so I thought everything was cool, and even Jw, I was not prepard for that. That whole week was just a tornado of emotion and sexual promiscuity to be followed by denial and shock. I dont know what I was thinking. I want some control back in my life. I feel like I can start to grasp it again.

My parents are looking into putting a fence up at my house and bringing my daughters toys over, my mom asks me "do you have money to help with the fence". I try not to cry and explain to her that everything I have i am holding onto because I do not have any idea how I am going to pay for childcare. I buy nothing I dont have to buy and I try not to think about all the new expenses. I have not even looked at my bank account since I had the baby. I dont want to know. I dont want to think about it. I have be putting off calling my HR dept because the thought of the increase cost in health insurance etc just feels like it might put me over the edge. I got so much anger for YB too. It is just getting more intense as days go by. What a piece of shit he is, if it is his or not you play like a big boy and feel like your man enough not to use a condom than maybe you should be ready for the consequences.  I hope these tests come back today.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Down 30lbs today, able to wear jeans today and sneakers. I can not believe I gained 56 pounds... that is crazy.  I did my hair put on some earrings and a little bit of make up. It felt good, and I did not shy away from people today, it was nice to feel like myself. It is only 6p and I need a nap but even still nice to feel alive. Went to lunch with my Aunt and my Mom, and figuring out how to pump in the car is difficult. My boobs are not little  to conceal easily. I am sure there is someone who enjoyed the show today. Then we headed to see my nephew. Such a long day. And yet I feel like I did nothing productive.

We spend a lot of time talking about relationships, marriages, lack of happiness, expectations, my aunt gets her vote in on who she feels like the father might be and expresses her deep concern about the validity of the test from a scientist point of view.  I continue to obsess as well and feel strongly that there is something not right about the results.

I am not feeling quite myself in respect to my thinking. I cant seem to gather my thoughts or figure out where I am going. My mind is preoccupied with the paternity test, falling in love with my son, my nephew, my daughter, my shame, my regrets and my sanity. It is all a lot to think about.

There are not many things I have regretted in my life. But I would say my actions back in august would prob have been my biggest regret thus far, or maybe equal with not ending my marriage when i knew I should have. Not that I regret my baby boy, who ever is his father, I have no regrets, but I dont like to cause strife in anyone's world. I have caused a lot of heartache for a lot of people, including myself. I hope I can remember just how deeply this affected people and remind myself of the that when I feel like I might be making some bad choices again. I know when I had my daughter I thought differently about life, my sex life, risk taking behavior, I cared more about myself. Since I had my daughter I have become way more safe, way less extreme. Maybe my son will help me get a little further with that. I know that being a mother has taught me huge lessons in life.

Tears are coming so easily today. I look at my nephew and my sister and her husband watching them nervously caring for their helpless little boy, I feel so blessed. Why is this so difficult for her? Why at every turn has she been met with turmoil and tragedy and for me babies come with minimum heartache. I wish I could take it all away for her, take her pain, and let her know the joys of motherhood already. She has waited so long. Her whole life has been littered with difficulty. It just feels unfair, why do some people have a more seemingly more difficult path in life? And others will float through this world with little tragedy and enjoying their journey through life?

Sometimes I feel like I should just focus everything I have on these children and forget my lonliness my desire to be loved. Maybe I should supress  any love I have and just pretend it does not exist, live my life a single mom, and swallow down my sadness. Sadness will come, no matter what I do - maybe it is better just to feel sadness via loneliness  vs. sadness via rejection...


Friday, May 11, 2012

Today is the first day since sometime in March I have been able to wear a pair of sneakers. I feel like I got a little bit of pep in my step today. And on the drive home from dropping my daughter at school feel some what sad that this might be my last baby. Yes already feeling that way. There is no logic pattern to thinking when your body is going through such huge hormonal changes and drastic sleep deprivation. I will be interested to see where all the dust settles in a few months and how I feel. There are definatly times during my day I am not happy, that I feel like I will never have a normal life again, most of the time it is at night. Laying in bed with my kids and still feeling so freaking alone. Im not sure if that loneliness will ever leave me, I dont ever remember a time when i did not feel it, at least for a little while. Then there are other times of my day that I feel satisfied that I have always wanted more children and now I have another one, satisfied with my life as a mother., happy to have what I need for the most part and people to help me.

So this weekend is Mother's Day - you may remember Mother's Day 2011 was when my ex husband told me he wanted a divorce. Bittersweet memories. I remember feeling overwhelmed with how to keep my daughter intact emotionally and excited to be FREE AT LAST.  What kind of asshole does that on Mothers Day but whatever. It was maybe a week or two later I met T, who I kinda miss. I liked hanging out with him, he was very comfortable in his own space, in his own skin. I wonder if I had met him if I were in different place would things have been different. We never did have a talk about things...that irritated for a long time. I just so like to have feed back on what the other person is thinking. Knowledge is power.

So here I go having these thought about this kids father. So what if it is the Jamaican? Ugh that is not real ideal either. I guess it is better than YB, because the Jamaican will be a father, but there is a slew of other issues there. I feel like our relationship would change a bit and become more of me taking care of him, teaching him and helping him help his self. Something like my marriage. Not that he can not take care of himself, just seriously his life could use some fine tuning, as evidenced by the fact he lost is license. Then there is money. At the end of the day I have got to pay for daycare. He works hard, but not sure what kind of money he will be able to contribute. So there is a whole other set of problems with that. I dont want to take care of another man in that way ever again. I want a man that can and will take care of his business and do it well with out me. I would like a man smarter than me. More street smarts, more book smarts, just a  man who can teach me, lead me.

In my shower this morning thinking back to when Jw came over and I was in my shower and the scene that unfolded. Close my eyes I can bring it right back and make my body feel that sexual tension it felt as he pulled back the curtain. I wonder how sex will be with him now. I am worried about that. I liked how it was before. (Before the DNA test results) I felt connected and since I felt less connected and like he was trying to convince himself that he wanted me. Im so nervous about it. I still feel ashamed and remorseful for the whole ordeal. I dont know if that will ever go away.

My ex is taking my daughter  Saturday, which is good. She does add stress to my day and she needs something to do, not just lay around the house and watch me try to sleep and breast feed, but I am like wow, my weekend is going to suck. Just me and the baby staring at each other for like 2 days. I am going to need to do something. Take sex out of my equation and I dont know what to do with myself. Nothing even sounds amusing.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

Ok so I am still a little obsessed with the whole paternity thing. So looking for more about the company I used. DNA Plus and this is what I found. This would have been helpful back in November. Im not going to have any peace until I know for sure!


I used DNA Plus in August, 2010 to help me determine the correct biological father of my child.  At that time, I was 18 weeks pregnant.  I was told that the noninvasive paternity test was 99.999% accurate. 

After paying out $1249.00 and following all of the instructions that DNA Plus told me to follow, I was given false results.  I had assumed that, since DNA Plus had said that they have been around for so many years, that the results were correct.  This company even offered a child confirmation test to be included after the baby's birth .  (like a 2 for 1 DNA test)

I had the man, who was confirmed as the father, by DNA Plus, and his family all involved with the rest of my pregnancy & the birth of my daughter.  The man who was presumed as the father & his family all travelled over 250 miles to be present at "our" child's birth. 

After "our" baby was born, I had decided leave my job & to move to the location where the father & his family were located for support.  I had gotten the "child confirmation" test results when my daughter was 1 & 1/2 months old.  The second test had different results.   Now, the other guy was pointed out the father.  He was living in the original location that I had just moved away from.  :(

I had to call the original father & the new father to straighten out the mix up.  We all went through a second company because of conflicting results to find out that the second test from DNA Plus was the right one! 

Damaged lives here!  The first family is heart broken over losing who they thought was their new addition to their family.  Not to mention the money spent by both myself & the other family all gone down the toilet.  Also, the actual father never had th opportunity to be involved with my pregnancy & even worse, missed our daughter's birth!

I do not feel that this company should be allowed to do this "99.999% accurate" prenatal paternity testing anymore.  It was in FACT wrong & cost our families grief. 

I did call for a refund & DNA Plus told me that another girl had the same thing happen to her 6 months ago.  I ended up with half of my money back.  I could have sued, I'm sure.  However, since all I want to do now is move on with my life, I choose not to persue any lawsuits.  I DO want to make it known to any pregnant female out there unsure of paternity...  DO NOT make the same mistake that I did!!!!!!!  




I hate breast milk. I hate the smell of it the unpredictable nature of it, the ample supply of it. It is all over. My milk came in about 4 days after he was born, but yesterday we hit a whole new level in milk production. It is everywhere. Last night I changed my pajamas 2x because I was wet, and holding my baby for an hour or so he was a little fussy, ended up with him soaked with breast milk. He is sleeping next to me now and as he whimpers a bit in his sleep I can feel the milk. We all smell like breast milk, even after i shower it seems to just be dripping out. Crazy. Yesterday I wanted to stop and get this smoothie I am in love with. I have not had one in a long time because the caffeine in them but I really needed one. So I pick up my kid from school, we go to the store she gets out and I get out to get the baby only to look down and see my entire shirt i saturated on one side. I had come to far, I was not leaving with out my smoothie. I took the baby out of the carrier and carried him in like that to disguise my leaking breasts. The one time i forget to put the breast pads in... 

The Jamaican was going to come over after work yesterday,but never made it. This is the problem when you loose your license, particularly where I live. He is lucky there is a bus, but there is not a whole lot of bus runs. He missed the last bus for the night yesterday and we ended up talking for awhile on the phone. Still amazed how strong his accent is, talking on the phone is not easy, and he says i talk to fast for him too. We talk about the baby of course. I send him face shots of the alleged fathers, per his request, so he can compare. He says it looks just like Jw. His vote is Jw. He said def cant be YB. He would love it to be his. I know he was very hurt with the DNA test results and I know he is trying to be cool and not commit to the idea it might be his. Which I agree he should. I dont want to drag him through an emotional rollarcoaster ride.  Furthermore he asked me who the baby looked like and thought the baby looked like him too.  I might be slightly less obsessed about it today. 

Birth control has been on my mind too. I hate birth control, but it is a necessary evil. So few options! I am not taking hormones. They make me way more crazy then I already am, so that is no pill, patch, or ring. I dont want my tubes tied. IUD? My doc does not recommend if you are not in a monogamous relationship. 
Ok so down to fucking condoms and spermicide, with a little bit of the rhythm method for extra security. No wonder there are so many unplanned preganancies in the world. These options are terrible.  I have one more baby then I would get my tubes tied. 

I remember being young and naive and talking about this women who had a bunch of kids by diffirent men. Oh how my image of her has changed. I used to see her as irresponsible and that she did not care about her children.  I dont know her at all just her situation, so that may have been true, but maybe she was not a fan of abortion and maybe she just very fertile. Maybe that is part of God's plan for her. 

I want to have sex so bad. I feel like the hot black man radar is at high alert. I keep seeing these really nice looking men, women too, that just look like fun to play with. Sadly I cant have sex yet, I needeed 3 weeks last time, I am hoping i dont need much more than that this time, but things just dont feel right yet, or even close. 

Since the Jamaican did not make it over I did stop by his house today. Partly because if I dont get out of this house I am going to loose my mind, and I partly because I really needed that hug. It has been so long since I have been touched. I really had to have some contact. He was excited to see the baby too. On the way in his neighbor stops to look at the baby and says "oh my he looks JUST like you". We both kind of ignore him and walk inside. We compare and contrast this child's features, and have a good laugh, we know it is fruitless effort. Sometimes he looks like the Jamaican to me, sometimes D, sometimes Jw, sometimes he looks a little like Bert from bert and ernie so clearly looking at him wont tell me anything. We were just sitting around talking for awhile and we watched some kind of Jamaican movie he had been telling me about. He gave me a hug, but after awhile I asked him to please come sit with me on the couch, I needed to lay my head on him. I just needed someone to hold me up a bit, comfort me, we always have these incredibly soulful and well sad conversations about who we love, who we have loved. He asks me if I am in love with anyone right now and urges me to not let the flesh ruin things in my life. He shows me pictures of his family, that he misses so much, and he appears to be so sad.  So I think to myself how do I have any right to be sad about my life. Just made me think a bit. On the way out, there are all these men standing out on the street. Maybe 5 to 6 right in front of my car. So this will give you a clear idea of how unhappy I am with how I look. I did not even pick my head up to see if they were black or not, I did hear some island accents but I just kept my eyes down, put the baby in the car, gave my friend a hug and got in the car and did not look back. Now that is out of my norm ;) I want to exercise a bit, but I must say I just dont feel right yet, and they said I should wait at least 2 full weeks. I need my hair cut, my eye brows done, a pedicure would be nice. I also need to go see my nephew but how do I fit that all in? I cant bring the baby with me to see the other baby, and the hospital like an hour away that is like minimum of 3 hours with him away from me, i am not sure I can leave him for that long. I dont want to leave him at all yet. But I would really love some sleep. Some DEEP uninterrupted sleep!

What an unproductive day! I just feel like I did nothing.