Im defiantly still hurting today. I wish my life was a bit easier, but I guess it is what it is. I just got off the phone with my sister who tries to pick my spirit up. My sister never sees the weak side of me. She was a little taken back. I am still taken back but al of this. I know I need to give myself time to heal. I also know that since have made a choice to not allow Jw's inaction to control my mood, I have felt better and slept better. Let me just say, I allowed myself to fall to far into that one. I allowed myself to feel intense submission and allowed myself to go where I probably did not need to go. For two months I been missing him and noticing the changes in how he acts, and during that time I just kept beating myself up. If only this was his baby, thinking I had fucked up my very own fate by stopping by YB that morning. Either way I have to move from that. I cant hold onto that forever. If I did indeed fuck it up, if I changed everything, I cant punish myself forever. Missing someone who does not miss you feels like punishment. It was feeling too much like how D used to treat me, and I guess I have learned that wont work for me. So that is growth.

Speaking of which my girlfriend just called me to say " I have been thinking about you and D all day". I say it is probably because I have been thinking about him. The wedding last night made me think about love and how they loved each other and how I loved D so intensely for so long. I lived for that mans happiness for 9 years. He owned me and the end of that is hard. Despite all the realistic reasons I know that ended and it needed to end, I miss being owned like that. It centered me, it focused me. Maybe it is not him as much as it is that kind of connection, that laying in bed for hours talking, laughing, and fucking. His attention was 100% on me when he was with me and our time was enough for me, as long as I had my husband for the other stuff.

Either way moving on with that. No crying with that... that is good. Just sad for the intensity of love you can feel and the realization that Love is Not Enough!

Coincidently - 13 years ago today my ex husband asked me to marry him. A lot of my friends always say they see us getting back together. I just shake my head and say no. If we could have only figured out the sex thing we would have been perfect. I really felt for so long we were meant to be together in this word. I felt like we were made for each other, but there is too much damage from all the shit that arose from the sexual dysfunction.

My sister says one day at a time. Im taking it hour to hour trying to hold my composure together. Not too bad today. I NEED SOME DICK SO FUCKING BAD thought it is insane. The girl at work was asking me if i will go with her to a swingers club... I can see this heading to a 3some... Interesting.

So why did I watch a friend of mine getting married via live feed. I really should have thought twice on that one. I am happy for her. She married her first love, after they both married others and had other families, they found their way back to each other. I was beautiful. I believe in marriage. Seems odd maybe, but marriage is not a bad thing at all.

As I cry my eyes out tonight, I realize that Im still grieving and healing for the end of my marriage and the acceptance of a life I dont want. Again I knew there should have been sadness, I guess I just had a delayed reaction.

Today started off really good. I have had tons of energy, been up past 10, slept til 5am the last 2 days. I have felt really good. I was early for work, I was super productive at work, so productive in fact I thought let me take a few minutes and get some information for child care. If that was not enough to ruin someones day. Cost for infant child care some where in the neighbor hood of 45 a day. That alone did not crush me, but this did.

I call my mom to ask her if she will be baby sitting at all. "Yeah, I dont think I am up to it". Ok not that expect my mom to take care of my kid - i dont. But I think she could have said something like I can not commit to a specific day but I will help you whenever I can. I was almost unable to hold my composure on the phone. It meant so much more to me than just helping me with childcare. If she does not see him during the week, when does she think she will see the baby? If I am working all week, I am not going to want to leave my baby on the weekends. I wonder if maybe she has trouble with this baby?

At work talking to my friends about how is it every single human being is a huge disappointment to me. It cant be everyone else, can it? But seriously I feel like everyone I meet ends up being a total utter let down and I am left shaking my head as I truck looking for a human being who knows how to act. "Unrealistic Expectation" one of the girls said. Could this be true, is it too much to expect Jw to say what he means and act in a way that reflects his feelings? Too much to expect my mom to be a little be gentle with me? Is it too much to expect my sister to pick up the fucking phone and commiserate with me or at least call me back?How bout too much for the man who got me pregnant to act like human being? How about this is unrealistic to want to be loved? Maybe I am asking too much of this world. I swear I am so broken I just dont know how I will ever find love.

So this downward spiral of freaking out about the love for this child seems somewhat irrational to me as I think about, but that is how I feel. I thought about maybe this baby will be better off with another family where someone besides me will love him. If it was not for my daughters unconditional free love of this child I would have not been able to continue this pregnancy or keep this baby. I love this baby, I want the best for him, as i think about a single mom raising two kids with no money I wonder how that would be the best. I just got to close my eyes at this point, hold my breath, and jump because i cant turn back.

I know that life should not feel this bad. Symptom of my life I guess. I just keep going through the motions here, I dont want to live anymore. I feel like there is no joy anywhere in my life. One of those bad very bad days. So as I type this and I can not hold the tears back, my daughter comes to me and hugs me, pats me on my back and tells me she loves me. She makes me feel a little better but damm her job is not to hold me up. And with that I feel like turning my phone off, disconnecting my internet and existing only with in my self, and keeping everyone away.

I hope that this will be the hardest part of my life and that things will get better. Sometimes I feel like maybe I need to hit rock bottom for some profound lesson I need to know, but how much lower God? How much lower do I need to get before I can begin to ascend?

I do feel a little bit better after a cry and a hug from my baby. I hope tomorrow will bring a lighter heart. I knew this would be hard. I knew it would be. I chose this. I need to remember this. I chose this.

Jw says to me he will be down to visit me Sat night. My only response is ok when he writes that I know he will not be here. I know it is time for me to pull the plug on this one. I feel it, I know it, now I have to do it. I want to see Jw, of course I do, but he has been distant and unreliable for a few months now. While sometimes I am over sensitive and irrational he is more than inattentive and casual, He is cold. I have seen him one time this whole month for 3 hours. That does not say to me, I value my time with you. That tells me I have been reduced to when I want your pussy and it is convenient for me, I will come visit you and I am not staying all night. And while that shit hurts, really hurts, I will not sit by and continue to do this. He is a coward. At some point in your life you need to man up and speak your desires and not run around them hoping others will pick up clues. I expect to be told the truth, but again - when someone shows you who they are believe them. He might show up.. who knows. I am a little indifferent about it. If he comes I know he will make my body feel good, but I know there will be no connection like I felt before. I have had to remove him from my heart. Laying in bed crying at night because I want him to want me like he did before the DNA test was not working for me.

Feeling more centered tonight (and probably just tonight) about my life, and allowing myself to learn how to be alone. There is a slight fear that I will enjoy this alone time and I will not know how to go back to being with someone. Im done with this one though. I am taking my heart back, cutting off the love and putting him to the back of mind if it kills me. God Dammit why did I not follow my first instinct!!!! Could have spared me a lot of tears.

All that was what I wrote last night before I went to bed, even though I know he had no intention of coming here, when I woke up at 2 am and realized he really did not I was fucking furious. I did not lay in bed crying, I laid there trying to mitigate my rage. I dont know what it is so hard for him to tell me whats going on. The only thing I can compare it to is experiences I had in highschool. If I guy wants to break up, but he does not know how or feels bad, he will act like a prick until you do it. This reminds me of this. Here are some examples of things you could say to me.

- I just dont feel the same as I did.

- I got caught up in the moment of the possibility of having a child together.

- I was just testing you out seeing if you really cared about me.

-You get on my nerves. Good Luck.

-Im not attracted to you.

- You are too fat and pregnant, Peace!

While these sound harsh, they only sting for a minute, but not knowing, guessing, hearing reassuring and reaffirming words and watching hurtful behavior only make the hurt linger. I dont get it I just dont get it. This could have been over with much less pain. Maybe you got too caught up in the the feelings and you just want to fuck me like a whore and bounce...I should have that choice though right? I know how to fuck with no feelings, its NOT a problem at all for me.

I met this guy one time when I was younger for a blind date. I walked up to him, he introduced himself to me and said hello, and I smiled and said " I am really sorry but this is not going to work for me". He was visibly shocked and I am sure embarrassed, but would it have been better for me to excuse myself to the restroom and never come back, or muddle through a date and dodge his phone calls.

I assume is life I will be treated how I treat people. I assume if I value your time you will value my time. That if I love you, you will love me. That if I trust you, you will trust me. If I am honest with you, you will be honest with me. (Shaking My Head At This Whole Situation). So again maybe this was the universes plan to teach me,or I keep giving my love to people who are not able to love me how I need to be loved.

The Disclaimer

I realize I am pregnant and more that irrational at times. Sometimes I am beyond needy and down right pathetic human being hanging on to any scrap of love the world will give me. Not only do the hormones fuck with me but so do the devastating events of the last 8 months. Again it is my spirit that is damaged. I dont write any of this out of disrespect or a desire to embarrass Jw, but you must realize when you enter my life, you enter the blog. The good with the bad.

New business.

My birthday is this month. I hate birthdays! I did have one tradition that made it bearable, but that will not happen this year, Im not going by myself. Time for a new tradition I guess. If I was not pregnant I would have stayed home smoked a joint, ate some cake and found some peace in my zone. But right now the best I can come up with is try not to loose myself in sorrow. Maybe a gang bang, that is a good distraction.

My 25 week of pregnancy. Still hovering at a 20lb weight gain, and hoping it stays that way. I went to a birthday party yesterday I was hoping no one asked me too many questions about my situation. Not everyone even knows I am divorced. I would say there are a lot of family, acquaintances, coworkers that do not know I am divorced and when they ask where my husband is or if he is excited about having another baby it is a little bit raw! I was a little less social than usual. It was the first gathering/event I have been to since I have visibly pregnant and told people I was pregnant.

In some uplifting news, this baby does not feel like YB any more. At one point I would feel like he was right there in my body and when the baby moved all I could think about it YB. But now I just feel joy and I dont connect the two.

I have not followed through with any of the dick leads, I have had not alone time this week so it has been hard. Hopefully soon I will have me a local mandingo dick man fucking me.

So I have entertained the thought of having sex with a white guy. At some point I need to concede that I live in an area with more white than black men. So I am trying to get my head around the idea of this. He is attractive, but he send me a pic of his dick and it looks like a good size, hard to tell, but I just dont know if I can get my mouth around a white dick. It looks forgien to me. I think if I were to have sex with a white guy, I would need him to be very forceful and dominate and fuck me before I touch his dick at all. I would need him to do that so I dont have to think about it, cuz once he fucks me I will be fine - I think.

Not much of anything going on. I had a difficult night last night. She was complaining of pain in her hip, off and on, then crying and more severe pain, then wake up screaming in the middle of the night, hunched over in pain crying. All is fine, but the realization of holly shit I am all alone was staggering. And I knew immediately what I missed. I missed someone to hug me when it was all over and let me lean on them a minute. Her Dad was more just as a good dad should be and offering to come over and help me, or go to the ER with me, but it is diffirent. I missed that. At the end of our days leaning on each other.

So since I was up most of the night, and trying to function on about 3 hours sleep, we are taking it down early tonight. 7pm is all I got the energy for. The Jamaican called me, and I was very open to seeing him, but he dont get done work till 1am. No way in hell I am getting up like 1:30am to fuck for 10 mintues. Oh no he is crazy.

I missed a day. For awhile I was not missing any days then all of a sudden somedays I forget, or more to the point nothing feels passionate enough to write about. Today though I have got a little fire in me and need to vent.

on the phone with my mom..."im just tired of always having to be the strong one. How is it he can make this baby and walk around like he has no responsibilty. Child support says after the paternity is proven, and all the hoops are jumped through then I might get a check in about 90 days after that - if he pays".

I am tired of being strong, I dont feel strong today at all. I feel like a weak, very weak soul holding onto every and anything I can to keep me going. Im the strong one at work, in my relationships, in my family. Im the fucking rock for everyone and I just dont feel like it anymore.

I dont know what benefit there would be to me collapsing into the desire to be weak and allow someone to build me up, but I really it looks appealing. Not that I think there is anyone there for me to lean on. There is not. Pick your chin, swallow the tears and fake it to you make it.

Furthermore I wish that I had a little bit less love for people. I am sometimes admire the coldness other people live their life with. To be able to bounce through life catering to your own desires with no regard for other must be nice. To be able to end and begin relationships with ease, to not let it consume your heart, to not let it leave a mark on your spirit. I cant do it. Long after I get the inclination things are not the way I want them to be, I stay. I stay because I do. That loosing someone I love feels unbearable. I want all the people I love all around me all the time. I want to fill my life with the people I love. So maybe these other people fall out of love? Maybe they never loved in the beginning? Even my boyfriend from high school who I loved, who was crazy and still is, and I was crazy with him. I loved him, and I still love things about him. I still think about him and smile, and we still chat from time to time. But I loved him, I would never stop loving him. I don't want to share my life with him anymore, as I have grown in a different direction then him but will always have love for him and if he comes back to the area we will visit (not fuck). There are not many people in my life who I have loved, but the ones I do I really fucking loved and love them. I wonder what they meant when they told me they loved me. Next time someone tells me they love me... I am asking for their definition of love!

Its a little bit of an emotional day. I have this urge to cry and I dont know why. Im good when I am busy at work and I dont have time to think about it, but when work has down time, my mind goes, and as I sit my quiet home my mind is over active with the oozing wounds of my heart. I am struck by the sadness in my spirit. Its my spirit that is damaged. Not quite sure by what, but it is. A lot of loss I know, but still it feels like my spirit, my very being is damaged. Maybe time will fix it or God.

So I have had som thoughts about my body image recently. So in a cold quick way I will quip I dont have body image issue, and on the surface I think that is true. I dont think about my body every day or every week, I dont dislike myself because of my body. I dont think that is all together true though after I allowed myself to think about it. I make a point to not look at myself most of the time. If I do look in the mirror I look right past myself and dont see myself. I learned coping skill so I dont see what is really there but continue to live the delusion of what is in my minds eye. The only reason that I had the surgery is because the physical ramifications of being overweight and I wanted another baby, I could not safely be pregnant being that heavy. It was never about anything else. Now I hate my body because it not represent who I feel I am. My body is scarred from my surgery, from my obesity, from lack of caring for it. I just want to start over most of the time. I know this all must tie into everything I do and dont do , like i dont wear anything sexy. When I was 17 I was built nicely. I have never been stick thin but always healthy, but I was into cheerleading, karate, tennis, competitive swimming. My body was athletic. I moved in with my ex at 17 1/2 and I am not exaggerating at all- gained 100lbs is one year. Now perhaps that should have been a red flag to leave that relationship, but I did not make a connection. I was so busy with life, and working 2 jobs, going to school, training in karate I did not notice i put on so much weight. I look back shaking my head in total disbelief that I did not see my own unhappiness.

I know this is part of the road of wellness, me being alone with my thoughts, learning to make myself happy, learning to act on my feelings, not to cover them, ignore them, and to seek out my happiness. I get that. There is no progress with out acknowledgeing the problems of the past.

My body is growing too fast and too much of my energy is spent on creating life for much else. I worry about money, and sleep, and will I ever have another moment with an adult. I worry if love will come for this baby right away? And let me say love did not come right away when I had my daughter it is just not realistic to think it will here. I worry if I will ever be loved the way I need to, will I be okay not working for 3 months with almost no kind of adult interaction? That might be the scariest part!

My daughter is off on her play date - the first one without her mommy. I feel better about it then I thought I would, but I feel so lost here alone. I spent some time talking to her friends mom who I really like, but her family made me jealous. Her three kids, relaxing at home, with her husband. It just felt so distant from my life and where I want to be. Trying not to cry now as I suck back the tears, I cant go back to pick her up looking like I been crying my eyes out.

Alright - feeling better. Needed to unload that shit. I know but is she fucking you want to know :) Nope! Looking for some new dick, I have gotten to the point where I am even talking to white guys. I probably should have used this time to fuck myself... might still have enough time for it.

I awoke at 2:59a. In half sleep state I being to let my wander through my fantasys. I mean I am clearly needing some stimulation as I awake to find my hand on my nipples. The intense primal need to touch and pleasure myself in my sleep concerns me at times. Like how is this intense urge affecting me during waking hours if in my sleep I am acting on it.

So today a coworker I have not seen in 4 months said to me as she was walking up behind me, "girl, you loosing weight" Wtf I start laughing and tell I am pregnant and gained 18lbs. She was like well you are looking good. Okay I will take it. So I have a dr. appointment today after work, at the dermatologist. Now I went a week ago to have something done that ended up with stitches, just like 4 or 5 on my leg or kinda my ass, right where my panty line is on the side of my ass. Anyhow the nurse was attractive to me. This might sound wrong to out loud but she seems like she probably dates black men. I dont know what that mean really, but she seemed cool, and she was attractive. Blonde (from a bottle), big ass, big tits, thick. Anyway she sees me today and says "Wow, you stomach really popped out since last week". Then she has me pull my pants down while I lean over the on the counter and she kneels down to cut the stitches. out. I would not say it was a sexual experience but I did like it. It was weird and casual, not at all clinical like you would expect at a dr visit. It could have been a friend of mine doing it. I would not have mind if she would have kissed me or something. :)

Spent the evening with my daughter at a very quiet local restaurant, candles, low light, easy talking. My daughter told me so much about her friends and school and how she feels. Our relationship is changing, it is amazing to hear the things she thinks about. I am not longer her Mommy just to take care of her physical and emotional needs, play with her, amuse her and comfort her, I am her confidant, the person she tests things out on, her constant in her ever changing life. She does not want me take care of her like i am used to. I might not have realized how amazing it is to see these little babies turn into little people. Im glad we went, and spent almost 2 hours talking. Ive been feeling like a bad mother, since I have been so tired to do anything with her, but she is fine. She is an amazing, giving little girl. Did my heart good to connect with her like that.

Now this baby still growing in my belly, has kicked it up a notch. This child has been so active all day, I am pretty confident I will have another baby with no need to sleep. He was awake all days. And just slowed it down during dinner, but I feel him kicking now. I did have a moment of panic before I fell asleep last night about money. OMG how am I going to pay for this child. It could take approx. 90 days to have the child support kick in, and that is only if he pays. IF HE PAYS! It is humbling to think I maybe poor. I could do several things to help myself, like stopping the retirement saving for a minute. I am pretty much set for retirement thanks to the divorce agreement, but I cant give away the free matching money from my company. They still match 3%, when I started there 7 years ago they were matching 13%!!!!!! My how times have changed. But that is about all I can easily see cutting back on my expenses. I dont live lavishly at all. I have a nice home and car, but both of things are owned. I just pay taxes and utilities and I try to keep a saving account. I have had a lot of extra expenses, the DNA test for $1200, crib for this child, stroller, clothes, paint for this entire house, curtains, shelves, electric bill on the old house. So I try to take that into account and feel a sense of satisfaction that I am doing better than some women in my situation. I was working extra hours but it has not been possible for a few months, too exhausted for anything extra. I need to go back to school, but I am still undecided on what want to do, part of me feels like I should follow my heart and doing something more creatively centered, but that seems to risky for me. I AM NOT A RISK TAKER. I am too afraid of an epic fail to throw caution to the wind and follow my dreams.

Tonight I feel somewhat centered and although I am concerned I can not plan every detail of my financial security, I am taking some solace in the fact that is has ALWAYS been ok. And I know I have been incredibly blessed in life, so there is no reason to feel like I will not be fine.

Im feeling damm near peaceful tonight. I love it.

I have had so much trouble focusing today. Hard to get my work done and harder not to play on my phone doing nothing. I am still feeling good from the fucking I had last night, but I really could use another. The more I fuck, the more I want it. This week kind of sucks because I dont have a night to myself, I should get myself used to that.

My daughter is going to have her first play date with out me Thursday. My baby is 5 and 1/2 and I have never left her. I hope I do something more than cry for the hour and a half she will be there. She is getting so big and independent. We are in the car driving home today and we were both quiet, just sitting at a light and she says " Mommy I love you so much". I love that little person so much. I hope this baby boy is as loving and kind as she is.

My words are not flowing tonight as I would like them to. I am uncomfortable, in my clothes, my body, my hair is bothering me and it is all I can focus on. I have got a million things on my mind but cant seem to articulate a one of them. My problem all day. Im going to call it a day and try this again tomorrow, maybe then I will have some coherence in my thoughts.

The Jamaican came over. A rare combo of me feeling the need for dick (after watching the videos of Jw fucking me) and a house to myself in the daylight hours equal the Jamaican at my door in 30 minutes. He almost turned me down, saying he was not sure if he could get here in time... as I had to pick up my daughter so I had a cut off time. When he got here I was in the shower and he let himself in, but not in a confident way. Calling my name and seeing if it was okay to enter. Either way I got out of the shower and told him not to look at me... yes I did.. as I stood out of his view and put on something. God Bless for saying "you really have not gained much weight at all". Lie or not, it was nice to hear. I am laying in my bed, too close to the wall half sitting up and he goes to push is dick into me, and i go to tell him I have to move just as he slide the tip in and he stops and says "we can move" as he pulls away. I grab on to him and demand "No put it in, put it in"! It was like instant gratification!. My body began to melt into the movement. I cant tell you how relaxed I felt. I needed to move after a few, and I got on my knees and he fucked me hard from the back. Thank You Jesus! If I ever in my life needed for the sex to be half decent it needed to be today. He only stayed about 30 minutes. Perfect for me.

Moral of that story - when I am crying and desperate in an emotional depressive stouper, please someone FUCK ME! Even if I say no, not a good time, I dont feel like it, persist. Remind me of today, Insist. I needed it so bad. There is not reason that sex should pick my spirit up as much as it does, but it is like cleansing. Soul Cleansing - I have a new refreshed feeling about me.

So there is a blog reader who has been helping me with my computer woes. The conversation has never strayed past MAC talk but today he was helping me controlling my computer doing stuff for me. I dont the name for that... screen sharing perhaps. Anyhow I was not prepared to see him, or him see me. I feel like such a character on the websites, not too much like myself, but whoa there I was on the camera and looking at him. First, I was nervous, like giggling, hand wrenching, cant look up nervous and blushing. I dont know why really, but there I was the njsubmissivegirl character in her home, at her desk, and he had access to my life on my computer. This was as good as D doing his room car and phone checks. Then I saw him. WTF he is not all what I imagined. In my head, he was black, he was short a little over weight, not very attractive and very submissive. He is white! Clean cut looking, looks like he works out, had a slightly edgy look. Keep in mind I only saw him a minute, but I was surprised. What was a man like this looking at me for? What part of me does he enjoy what does he get out of this? (You dont have to answer, but feel free it the spirit moves you). When I am out and about and even online I just do not think that white men would ever want to see me getting fucked by a black man, I dont think a white man would ever look my way with my biracial child by my side, so i dont acknowledge their existence as sexual beings. I was surprised by my own assumption and I just never think a white guy like him would ever like looking at any of this. And maybe he just likes the entertainment or the train wreck aspect of it all. I dont know. Just weird.

Then as he controls my computer he opens up my photos, and up pop some tits and pussy shots...nothing I have posted. I dont even know why I keep them. I hate the one, I was just fucked and came in, my pussy is wet and sloppy it is not attractive at all to me, it just looks used. but I saved it. Then he moves around to some photos of me that I took during the time I was loosing weight and before my surgery. They are not meant to be attractive and they sure as hell were not, and they are so many of them. As I cover my screen with my hand instcintually, but it is not like i could stop him from seeing it. Horribly embarrassing. It is the same body being fucked in the videos but it was nothing I would have chosen to share. I prefer to share a photo of me on all fours with expletives and humiliating words written on my body and being used by a group of men... thats not embarrassing, but me in my underwear just standing there... humiliating. Im bizarre I know.

Oh God, I wish I could articulate just how much better I feel tonight. Im 24 weeks now... a significant mile stone in pregnancy - the point of viability. :) As I feel him kicking me right now.

I dont know what made me to watch the video on the slut blog this afternoon, but damm I want Jw. I have been in such a funk lately the thought of him coming down here was a little anxiety inducing. I did not want him to drive down here and me be too lost in melancholy to enjoy what he does to my body. I was 90% sure I would be ok once his dick got into my pussy and he was close to me, but I am 100% sure right now. Been a long time since I fucked him, I dont really remember when at this point, but it has been awhile. Its been over a week since I fucked anyone.

The Jamaican called me last night. I was doing my daughters nails, and I was ready for bed (it was 720) I was not in the mood to talk but I knew if I did not answer it he would just keep calling me. So I pick it up and I have to repeat myself like 4 times, so I yell, why is it you can never fucking her me? I say I am going because I am not going to repeat myself anymore. When I get done doing my daughters nails, I text to apologize for yelling at him and tell him I will catch him later. I know he wants to come over. I considered telling him to stop by for a quickie downstairs but I dont want to talk to him or be bothered.

I am sure it is my mood that makes the dick flow almost at a staggering halt. Im not putting the i want to fuck vibe out there, and i am surely getting much less attention. I am ok with the less attention, but I need more dick. I do. Just to preserve my sanity I need someone to fuck me like 3x a week. The old dom should be back next week, I do have a local guy I have been trying to sync up with who looks promising, but our schedules are not meshing. There has guy to be a few more hung black men in my area who are eager just to stop by for a quickie, right? Who does not want that?

I was just about to upload the video of Jw and i on my phone since that one has not been posted, by Terms of Use are not allowing me to do so. I learned my lesson with pay pal, follow the rules or they shut you down with no warning. Sorry. Still watching Jw and I, Dammm! He has not been fucking me enough this last two months.

So my free time begins, and thus far I have watched youtube videos of natural childbirth and made myself a quesdilla. Turned on the web cam with Jw for about 5 minutes, where I could not control my crying, and talked to my mom. So thats a pretty full night. I think thats enough for me Im going to bed.

So Jw says to me why were you crying? Im sad, and he sees me on the webcam and says " yeah you look sad", and i loose it. I can not compose myself and step away for a minute. I am ok about talking about my sadness. I am ok crying, sobbing and grieving in my own private places, but to have someone else see my sadness.....it was like a wake up call from the universe. (YOu did not really think everyone cant tell you are sad?). And part of if goes back to a submissive state of mind. To belong to someone, to give yourself to someone, you can not wallow in your own self loathing and emotions. You are there for them, not for yourself and to be overcome with emotion so intensely - well it was not how I would like anyone to see me. In any difficult time in my life, when I needed cry, when I thought I would die, when I hoped to die, I sent everyone away. In the scary moment before surgery, I sent them away.

Im sad about everything! The tears that came for no reason a month ago come with a clear reason now. I dont like my life right now. I dont like spending so much time alone, I dont like being pregnant by a man that hates me and I dont like being embarrassed by this pregnancy.

You know whats funny - I teach people about safe sex and the right and wrong ways to use a condom. That is part of what my job is. I teach them how to avoid unplanned pregnancies. Do you know how retarded I feel talking to people about that now. One of my clients asked my coworker who the babies father is... I am going to make up a person at some point. Maybe I will start to believe it.

I hate that I present myself as a emotional wreck now and I feel like I always have to add the caveat of "Im not always like this". I don't usually cry non stop, but maybe I should just lay it out there and state exactly how I feel.

I am at the lowest point of my life thus far. Even in the depths of depression that led me to think about suicide I felt better than I do now. I feel hopeless like I am not deserving of happiness or kindness and certainly not love. I hold on for my daughter and this baby and that is what guides me through each day. I cant help but cry, and when Jw talks to me and says things that make me feel good, I still cry. It cant be real, none of it can be real. No one can read this and love me. No one can know me and love me.

____________________________________________________________________

That was a post from last night I never finished with. Jw was debating on visiting dependent on the weather, of course it snowed. I was getting ready for bed, sitting on the edge of my bed and I began to imagine how I would feel if Jw came into my room right now, as I look down and my belly, I just put my head down and cried. I felt and feel really humiliated by being pregnant. I assumed Jw would have a problem looking at me pregnant with someone else baby, but I did not realize I would have a problem too. I did not realize how incredibly shamed I would feel, embarrassed and humiliated. It is like the equivalent of walking down the corridors of high school naked while everyone reads pages from your diary aloud. It is profound humiliation. This is part of the reason I isolate myself a bit. I can only keep a smile on my face for so long, i dont want to be at girls night and have a break down or out with my girlfriend and start to cry.

Having said all that, I am feeling more even today. No crying today, not feeling horribly emotional, not overly sad, and if it were not for the snow I would have went some where to do something. I do realize these low moments pass and that I dont feel like they totally represent my overall well being. They are just moments - that I hope go away as soon as my hormones get back in check when I have this baby.

I have been working on my house today. Cleaning up the basement still. This pretty much entails going through boxes of random stuff that got thrown in boxes toward the end of the move and deciding if I want to keep it or throw it away or donate or cry about it or whatever. It takes forever, and I dont move fast too much. I am still breathless, and have been for months. My doctor tells me it is all from the pregnancy and I will be fine after delivery, but I cant read to my kid some night because I feel so breathless. So steps are not easy for me, I cant go up and down very fast. My feet are start to swell more and they hurt a little, and I have this fun little pain that shoots from my hip all the way to the other one whenever I get up too fast, bend down and stand up, lay down and get up. It is crazy. I feel like an old ass woman. I am going to ask the doctor about that last thing, it does not feel quite normal. I hung the curtains in the baby's room, and got some extra stuff out of there. I sit in the rocking chair in there and try to image what this baby will look like and if I have chosen the right name for him, and I pray he is healthy and his spirit not diminished by mine. I think about child birth and I am considering trying to do it with out drugs this time. I had an epidural but I could feel the baby coming out, Im not sure if it had worn off or if I was just feeling the pressure and not the pain. My daughter was 9lbs Im sure there was pain, but the birth was very pleasurable. Anyhow Im thinking about it. I will see how it works out. I have learned not to plan too much in life.

Hoping that my evening continues at this relaxed pace, Im kinda enjoying my alone time today.

I cant believe it has been 3 days since my last post. That might be an indication of my current mental status. I just been going through a process of grieving for lack of a better word. I consciencly know / knew that I would need time to heal from the changes that have taken place. Even though when my marriage ended and when my relationship with D ended, I felt ok, and not very broken by it all, but as the months pass and perhaps the reality of what happened settles in, I feel really hopeless. I understand the marriage ending and I can wrap my head around it, although it saddens me. My ex was really my best friend since we met. Even when he was mad at me or if i was upset about D he would comfort me, love me. There is such a glaring hole in my life where his love used to be. Again, it was not romantic love or even healthy love but it was love and I needed it and it felt good. And then D. How does he think it is ok for him to do some of the shit he has done to me? Do I not deserve at least some kind of closure? And my blogging about the end of that maybe hard to follow but things were left in limbo. Pretty much like I will call you friday and never heard from him again. Even though our relationship would not have been the same again and he knew I was seeing other people but I am mad he felt like it was ok just to walk away and never say shit to me. And I dont have a way to contact him, even if I did, does it matter? So sometimes when I think about the times Jw has not followed through or not called when he said he would, it brings back this feeling of...why the fuck am I not good enough for your time, your energy, your effort? I dont like feeling like that - like I am someone's last thought or after thought.

And what was it about me that T fell so in love with me and then just decided he did not want me, love me, was embarrassed by me, could not accept all the dark sides of me.... and then just tosses me aside and never at least give the courtesy of letting me why. Again, why am I not good enough for people to treat me as if I am worth anything. I dont think I ask for much... maybe I do and I dont know it but I just dont know.

I feel like this might be a good process for me to go through. I have not been alone since I as 17 and maybe I need to clean house to learn to face myself. I dont think I realized just how much I relied on other people to bolster my very being.

Then how about the Jamaican tells me he is considering moving back to Jamaica. Even know he works my last nerve, I dont want him to leave too. It is more about me then him, but I just feel like everything that sustains my life is slipping away.

I cant shake this feeling of utter isolation and like there is not another soul in the world that understands mine. I have made a point to talk to my friends when they call rather than ignoring their calls, but Im not feeling it. It is like a forced conversation.

Its hard to sort out feelings from fact and hormones. And I know I am not feeling wonderful but I think this is just the reality of my life and the stage I am in. And have I created now two children that will not be loved by their fathers that will begin this life already wanting craving the love of someone who will never give it to them. What the fuck have I done? It is one thing to be a single mother and raise children alone and give them every bit of love and support you can, but it is not a father.

So I think I am 23 weeks pregnant now, it is still going way better than the last one and I am so grateful for that. I dont love being pregnant but I am managing pretty well thus far. I seem to have one good day where I feel somewhat human to be followed by one day I am exhausted and fall asleep as soon as I can get to my bed.

Im still working on my computer, I have so much content to sort through on this thing. I must say as I see some photos of my ex and I and my daughter when she was born I am heartbroken, and need to walk away from this computer. This child will have just me, and what if I cant do it? I could not have been a good mother to my daughter at times with out the support of my ex, even if it was just to let me sleep.

So that is why I did not post, I did not feel like repeating my sad song again. My daughter is going to be her father Friday night to saturday and then my mom wants her on saturday... 2 days alone... I dont think I can do it. Nothing more profound than 48 of time to myself and not a mother fucking thing I want to do. I might have to switch up that arrangement for the weekend.

So sex... the submissive girl has not thought about sex. I probably could use it, it would most likely make me feel human and relax me, but I would need to find some dick first... ugh.

For a few months now I have been debating on arming myself. I am not stranger to weapons. I grew up in a house with no less than 2 dozen guns of all kinds, I have shot guns, seen guns and one time used one in a prop in a very real rape scene I never talked about on here. Pregnancy makes me feel vulnerable kicks my need to protect my children into high gear. I remember this intense instinct to protect my daughter about the same time in my pregnancy with her. We talk about this weapon thing at work a few times a week. The girls I work with always say "i just want to hurt someone not kill them". What? Not me in the name of protecting myself and my children I dont think shooting to kill is a bad thing. I am pretty much all I have here in this world, at the end of the day I need to protect my children, and it all rests on my shoulders. This guy approached me in this parking lot, asking for money. I was not scared because there were lots of people around and he had just asked the couple next to me, but I would have liked to have a weapon on me. If I had my daughter and an infant I would have been scared. I know that some is this is the pregnancy and I feel like a walking target sometimes. I am not physically able to defend myself like I could 6 months ago.

I had to go food shopping, we had nothing in this house. So I go load up the dam car and think about bringing all this shit in the house by myself. I start to cry. It is really becoming crystal clear what it means to be alone in this world, perhaps this is why I fought the divorce rather fought the knowledge we needed to divorce. Alone is just that - by yourself all the time! The little things mean a lot more than I thought. Getting in bed with someone, sharing the trials and triumphs of your day, someone else to take the trash out, laying on the couch watching a movie, eating dinner with another adult, adult conversation and feeling like someone has your back. Not that my family does not love me they do. And I have friends, not that I can always be bothered with them. It just lonely. I remember T used to love his alone time. He seems to really enjoy it. I keep trying to enjoy it, to find something I like about, to look at this time as a time for self discovery - but for real this shit sucks!

I went to the doctor today, took my daughter with me, and the nurse is asking me if I want more children... I say to her "I dont know - I think I might need to be married to do this again", my kid say "no your not getting married again". I dont know where life is going to take me but I sure hope I have learned enough at this point that I deserve to have a partner in this world.

So to add to my already raw emotions, my sister who is due about 30 days after I am, tells me she does not think she will be able to be there during the delivery for me. She was really freaked out my my daughters birth and she is already freaking out about giving birth. Really? I understand how she feels - that kind of anxiety is why I had to opt out of being in her wedding. She was not mad at me, she accepted we have limits and Im not mad at her either. But wow I am really having a bad night. So I need someone else there right? Last time was my mom my sister and my husband. Now my mom and me will be doing this shit. There are a few friends I would consider, one lives too far away and would never make it, and the other 2, I just feel like it is too big of a request. I would never ask that of someone. Reaffirms the alone part. Really alone!

Whew been a few weeks since I have cried like this. Perhaps I needed a little soul cleansing. My baby just called me from her daddy s house crying she misses me. I want to run to her and pick her up and bring her home, but I know this is just a phase and that would not help her. So 3 calls so far, I will see how many more til she falls asleep.

The Jamaican wants to come over. Sometimes I feel like he only asks me how I am doing because he wants to fuck me. Like he is nice to me for no other reason. I guess that is not true, he is very nice to me, but he is not coming over. I still cant quite pin point what bothers me about him sometimes but he has evoked some angry feelings in me lately. Maybe it is because I can take it out on him instead of the men I am really angry with....

I should always trust my instinct, even when I wish it was wrong, I should really trust myself. Thats my New Years Resolution. I try to convince myself that things are they was I want them to be. Despite the obvious behavior, the can not deny feelings, the palatable feeling of angst in my throat, I continue to hold onto some shred that things are indeed the way I want them.

So no Jw did not come down, and did not call, and did not text, but I already know what the next conversation with him will be like. My instincts told me, and I tried to ignore and hope for the best.

So I finally got some help with my computer. I am so excited to have someone helping me. And beyond excited with the promise of my computer organized and in useable condition. I cant wait to being playing with all my porn again. He asked for a screen shot of some of the directions he gave me, and I stop to look at my desktop. Jw was over here one day using my computer, I LOVE my computer. I could not live with out my computer or my sleep number bed. And as he began using it I felt nervous and like someone has the ability to sort through every detail of my life. Not that he was, but still feels like I have lost my anonymity and my privacy - and I liked it. Same with this very simple screen shot and as simple as my background on my desktop, a photo I took in the Lowes parking lot. I walked out of the store one evening, right after I moved, and was speechless by the way the sky looked. I remember standing there, in awe, thinking my God this is so beautiful, how can I be unhappy in the presence of this. So in my low moments of the past few weeks, I have looked at this and tried to remember how perfectly contented I was by this image.

Then I begin to look around at my folders and my what not, just made me think about the parallels of my world. I spent my day yesterday sewing, ironing, cleaning and one night here soon I plan to spend my day bound, gagged, and getting fucked by many men. A stark reminder that try as I might I cant mix my worlds. I cant be just a little bit submissive or like just a little bit of humiliation and pain. I cant turn the submission off and on, I can only give all of myself to whatever it is I do. Now the pretty much makes for lots of heartache when those things you throw your whole being into do not work out.

I dont know where my day will bring me, I might have some alone time tonight, which excites and disappoints me. I do need a break from the non stop chatter of a very excited 5 year old, but I also need not spend another night alone in this house thinking about what I want in life that I do not have. A partner.

Last night as the Jamaican called my phone 4times in an hour. I ignored the first 2, answered number 3 with "I don't want to talk, I am folding laundry and then I am going to bed" blah blah blah "Yeah I am fine, I am just going to end up being rude to you, so let me go because i do not want to talk". Then like one minute later call number 4. So maybe Jw felt like I did a few weeks ago as he ignored my calls, and perhaps the Jamaican feels like I did after that interaction. At least I did tell him how I was feeling.

And begins the weekly monotony of trying to find someone I like enough and trust enough to fuck me for this week. I need to fuck, as I was awaken this morning my hand on my pussy I know I got to. I am trying so hard not to revert to some ok people. I just need the sex to be really good, and I dont want to travel for it. Wish me Luck!

This baby has gotten so strong these last few days. Kicking all the time, and my daughter can now feel his kicks, its really beginning to get real. No denying it now. I have thought about YB a little bit in the last week or so as this child begins to make his presences none more. I think about, if things continue the way they are, how do I explain this man to this child. How do explain Daddy when that word comes around. I have thought about it, not been sad but more like mentally preparing for it. I got to have this conversation in my head for awhile in order to accept it, understand it, and be able to sell it to my child in a positive, non harming way. I figure I better start now.

I also was thinking about how much my daughter is like D. The way she sleeps might be the most haunting thing, but also little things she does, faces she makes, her temperament and her personality. And keep in mind his interaction has been next to nothing. Then I wonder if this baby is like YB, would I even recognize his character traits. I was thinking about the positive character traits of D and then suddenly realized I don't know any for YB. I got pregnant by a god damm stranger and I cant even tell you anything about his personality or his character (other than his response to this event). It does not make me sad anymore, but it does make me shake my damm head in disgust with myself.

Other than that, I have been pretty darn relaxed and productive. Jw said he would be down tonight... why do I have a feeling that is not going to happen? Will have to see what happens, but I doubt I will see him.

Pool, Hair Salon,Target, Out to Lunch, hemmed 3 pair of pants for my daughter, spent several hours working on some home videos, almost 10 and I am still awake - Not bad!

The other night the conversation with the gang bang guy, for lack of a better name, has been haunting me a bit. We got to talking about my relationship, he had met my husband before, and he knew a lot of the goings on in my life. And I say to him, but I just want romantic love and to be fucked like a whore (not in those words but that was the gist) and he says to me, the man who appeared to have done it, "you have to give something up". Either the romantic love, the fucking on the side or the honesty - something must go. Could this be true?

And then I was watching some show an interview of these couples and this guy said "she was made or me". He said it so passionately and so forcefully, he knew in his heart this women was created to compliant and complete him. I felt so jealous. Was I not made to complete someone? Am I not able to compliment someone's life. I want to me made for someone and belong to them.

So today in my travels, no where close to where I live almost an hour away on the way to hair salon, at the light I look over and see the man I was looking to say hello to the other night"lucky". What and incredible coincidence. So I say to myself, should I stop and say hello to him, perhaps it was fate maybe God put him in path for a reason. Perhaps God did... in my path to help me choose between staying stuck in the past or looking to the future. I kept driving, and though I thought about turning around I few times, I did indeed choose my future and let that one go.

Not very long ago, I felt like my life was already written. That I would be with the same man forever in the same rhythm of life, with the same mediocre feeling, I felt like my family was complete as it ever would be. I felt stuck but I felt like eh this is where things ended and the best years of my life were already behind me. I dont feel like that anymore. I defiantly have positive feelings about my future and i do feel like this is all just beginning.

Glad to see a very long week end! I am feeling a little bit as if my weekend is already busy with little down time, but this probably better for me, because I do better with less free time. I am way more productive.

I am feeling like there is so much to do in my house, I become easily overwhelmed. In all honesty editing videos and making dvds not a priority but I have got to get my computer cleared out and since almost 45% of people reading this blog are reading it on a MAC - none of them could offer any assistance, I will hard copy and navigate shit myself. Its not like I cant figure it out, I am just short on time.

My mind is working overtime fantasizing about lots of things. I have a deep need for humiliation lately. I have this insane fantasy - let me let my mind wonder.

I walk into a doctors office, the obgyn, very pregnant. The doctor says to me he is out of the paper gowns, so just to undress and lay on the table, he would be right back in. In my fantasy, I begin to feel almost immediately embarrassed as I undress and move my body on to the paper covered table. My bulging pregnant belly and my large pregnant tits and hard nipples completly exposed as he walks in. He guides my feet in the stir ups, asking for me to move my body down closer to the end of the table. He begins with checking the size of my belly, measuring and touching with his hands, leaning on me at times, talking about my body, the size of it, the way my skin looks, in a very calming doctor way as I lay there with my legs spread and my pregnant body there for his taking. He tells me he needs to check my breasts next, as his hands begin to caress each one, getting a good feel for their size and checking to see if any milk comes out when he squeezes them. I cant look him in the eye and I begin to tear up from the embarrassment. He assures me this is a normal thing they do with pregnant women. He stops and I feel the wetness from the milk on my tits as he pulls up a chair at the end of the table so his face is directly in line with my pussy. He has straps on the stir ups and tells me he will just use the straps so my ankle dont slip out while he does the internal exam. Before I have a chance to look he has both my ankle secured, and he spreads my knees apart for a full view of my pussy. He comments about how I must have enjoyed the breast exam based on how wet my pussy is. He then begins to question me about my sexual habits and how many men I let come in me, as he puts a speculum in my pussy and spreads it apart. He continues to question me and says he is just checking my cervix and to lay back and relax for a few minutes. With that in came his nurse. She comes in to calm me down, by rubbing my hand and leaning over my breast looking me in the eye telling me I will be fine as my wet nipple rub against her. As she does this he begins to finger me and lick my pussy. I begin to fight a little bit, but my ankles are tied down and I am too big and pregnant to sit up and the nurse is essentially holding me down, as I begin to cry, she moves her mouth onto my nipples and begins to suck them firmly. I feel the doctor enter my body with his extremely large cock. The nurse covers my mouth as I begin to scream. He says to me that orgasm will help induce labor and he thinks I am ready to give birth. So legs strapped in the air, spread apart and held down with my belly in the way of everything, he fucks me raw and cums in my pussy. He continues to talk to me in the reassuring doctor voice and when he is done as his nurse to come clean me up so I can go home. She sits down at the end of the table and licks my pussy, unstraps my ankles, and helps me sit up and get dressed.

Anyone got the equipment to make that shit happen please let me know!

I walk into a

The urge to fuck has been intense. It is different than my usual need, it is a bit more difficult to redirect my mind. The other night after that guy left, I still needed to use my magic wand to make myself cum a few more times. This morning driving to work I was over come with the most intense fantasy about humiliation. I dont even know what sparked it, but I wanted to think about it, I wanted to play with the ideas and thoughts of it. Unforantly I cant do that on the highway or at work but it was very intense. Today as I drove by the scene of "rape" from the white guy who took me behind a gas station many years ago, I as instantly aroused. Not sure if it is the pregnancy hormones, but I just cant seem to get enough. I really want to fuck!

I feel like I need to clean out my yahoo list and make room for some new dick. I need some new standbys apparently.

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I feel like I should give a more clear picture of my life based on some feedback I recieved. Now when I say that I am sad, I am indeed sad. My heart feels heavy, my spirit lost, just sad. However to look at me you would not know I am sad, in fact in less you know me very very well you would not know anything is diffirent. Now my coworkers ( and these girls and I have a very strong bond, we been working together for a few years, we have no real secrets among us, we care about each other, we fight like sisters) they can sometimes see if I am feeling a little sad, but even that is rare. My mom can tell by the sound of my voice. But if you causally know me, you would think I was a well adjusted happy person. Albeit outspoken, blunt, a bit rude at times, but to know me is to love me. So when I say that I am sad, it is not as if I walk around looking like the poster child for depression, I am always smiling, even the face of anger and pain - I smile. When I cry, I sometimes laugh through the tears there is pain there, but some of it is the process of feeling it and letting it go and moving on. The sadness comes from a deep place, and other than the tears, I really only acknowledge here in this blog. So with that.. dont feel bad for me. You would also have sadness if you allowed yourself to go into the caverns of your heart and be real about what you are feeling. We all have sadness, and we all manage.

Very uneventful day. My sisters pregnancy has now progress to 17 weeks, and she found out she is having a boy too. I became so teary eyed thinking about how quickly our family has grown, and how these boys will be a month apart in age, and how my sister will finally be a mother. I feel very blessed and very humbled by all thing blessing in my life. Sometimes I sit back and think wow I really have had a lot of good luck, and while I dont share those details things are really not all doom and gloom as sometimes they may appear. I do have challenges but let me get serious a minute and remind myself I am not homeless, in danger of being homeless, and I am a healthy young woman.

I did try to get me some dick for tonight. I must say my available dick list is short! For a last minute booty call I had 3 people on my list. For a last minute, they must live close. Not too many people I like live close. I dont think they make men the way I like down here in South Jersey. If I was in North Jersey, many more possibilities. So of the 3 the Jamicain, the other jamicain I have only seen 1x in like may and a guy I met when I was 20 at my first gang bang. The "other Jamaician" was busy, although I think he is getting cut because he loves himself too much. I dont like a man where all his pics are him posing sexy in a mirror taking pictures. The dick was big, but I dont think we had any chemistry at all. The Regular Jamicain, Im just really feeling patient enough to deal with him, and then the guy from the gang bang. (In all honesty I guess there were a few more. Trinny guy in PA, but his dick too curved he cant hit the way I need it, College Guy about 20 mins from me, but he wants me to come to his place all the time and that would be his parents house, only fucked him once, cant tell if I liked it or not, the old dom he is out of town though, African guy in Pa but im not driving to PA, there is another guy I would love to see but I asked the last 3 times and got turned down so Im never asking again. Although he is nice and says next week or whatever and seems interested I am not asking again. ) So either way it is clear I need to seriously scout out some talent, and I should plan better. I knew I had tonight free, one of the out of town guys could have come down. Ah well.

As I type this the gang bang guy just lost his window of oppurtunity. I been doing house work all night and I am ready to relax. Time for a conditioning treatment for my hair and sleep.

I always feel bad when I get happy for a night to myself, but dam it is refreshing! Really really relaxing even spending the night cleaning was relaxing.

So he sent a pic. I dont know how to tell him that his "6" does not look like a six and I cant do it. I am currently ignoring his text and his number made the Do Not Answer List. I dont want to hurt his feelings but that is not for me. I wonder if it really is six or just over five and he rounded up? I guess I know what to add to my profile, "under 7 need not apply". :)

I woke up last night at 358 needing the dick, I made myself cum, but I need to get someone here to fuck me. I have been surveying the option it is not looking good. I just want some dick. I need some good fucking so I can sleep again. Im not sure where this will end. Maybe the Jamaican will stop by...

I briefly talked to Jw today. I was actually very surprised when he text me this morning. It made me smile, but that only lasted a moment until he asked me about something he saw on my blog he did not love or rather misunderstood. Sometimes I feel like I cant do anything right. He seems miserable lately, and I dont see him as much as I was. Maybe it is he is not feeling great or maybe it was the fucking DNA test. I miss him. I miss touching him a lot. So stupid to miss something that I did not have that often, but I miss it. It was only a week ago he was here, and everything was blissful as I laid there next to him, but I was not able to hold on to that this week. I remember early in this pregnancy as Jw was always asking about my feeling changing if the Dna test showed he was not the father, but I knew his feelings would change, which is why I did not want to go to a loving place with Jw. So now I miss him and want him and I feel like he is so far away both physically and mentally.

So let me add to that 2 things. 1. I have two speeds here when it comes to loving someone, my family, my friends, anyone I love. I love you all the way or not at all. Probably goes back to my father always telling us we are not going to "half ass" anything. I need to understand normal people have a medium speed maybe even a low- med or high medium. Could I just take a breath and relax myself. 2. Ive been getting sad again. Hormonal sad, maybe I just really need someone to show me some love. I am just a person who needs to be loved like everyone else. I need a hug, some dick, another hug and sleep. The sleep has been so bad... It has been less than 5 hours for a few days now, I feel like delirium is starting to set in.

I going to clean up from dinner, pray a little, rest a little and give my mind a break.

I told Jw I miss him, because I am not keeping that to myself. If someone cared about me and missed me I would want to know. These are things I am really working on in myself. Since I cant ever express my positive feelings I am trying to do that just a little more. Today was not the only time I have done it, and I have done with other people too, the responses not all together what I thought they would be. Maybe people are shocked to hear me say positive things about them or our relationship they dont know how to respond yet, or wonder if it is really me.

So my sadness, is not as bad as it was but I feel it creeping back into my world. Today as I sit at my desk at work, I feel the uncomfortable pressure in my back and then like an orgasm gone wrong I feel the first "practice" contraction of this pregnancy. (Not to worry, this is so normal for me, and they hurt like a mother fucker). In the office with my co workers I start to breath through it, and I begin to remember the intensity these things come. I sit up very straight and let the pain wash over my body as tears stream down my face as I sit at my desk and try not to get to overwhelmed about giving birth again. I was somewhat proud of my ability to go inside myself and manage this. And to give you some insight, the contractions I had in my pregnancy were more painful the the actual labor. I do everything ass backward in life. I managed it, alone. I did it and I felt like ok this is what I got to do.

I am praying for a little peace in my heart tonight. I need it. My peace left me, I dont even know when but I know it is gone.

I watched one of my favorite movies last night, The Joy Luck Club, released in 1993. About 4 women from China, the struggles in their life that shaped their spirit and the spirit of their daughters. I began to feel silly for some of my own feelings of fear about having a child with no father. There is truly much worse places I could be in life. Of course there is always one line that always stand out to me. In seen where a mother tries to convince her daughter to leave her husband who gives her no respect or tenderness, she says "loosing him does not matter - it is you who will be found". That made me think about all I have lost and found. I had a good cry during that movie. I even managed to stay awake past 11 to watch it.

I am a little on edge, I am sure this is due to lack of fucking. I thought about calling someone tonight. I almost did it. It just really seems like more trouble than it is worth. I need someone to pound my pussy. I want my pussy to hurt in the morning or I dont want to be bothered. I am starting to look for some new dick in my area, I just really need something more, someone who can fuck me hard with a big dick. So in my search I did run into one person who seemed like he might work, but he will not produce a dick pic, and says it is 6 inches with a thick head... umm I think I have heard that before. 6 sounds really small to me, but I looked at the ruler and I am start to think, how big is Jw? Seems like way more than 6, but truthfully I dont really measure so I am not sure, but when someone says it has a thick head, that means that is the best part... and then no pic. Sorry but size matters! Not that say a wide range of sizes are not all good in their own right. The giant ones, wide and like 9" and fabulous and give you a different feeling than a wide 8 or 7" Even the thin long ones... Skill matters and the ability to get inside my head. It is super weird to look for dick when you are pregnant, and I have not really been responsible for acquiring my own dick for a long time. There was always some one to supplement the flow, or I had a Dom taking care of that. Or I would meet someone at a party. Now I am just on my own giving no body a chance. Maybe I should stop if no one gets me excited. I mean I totally ok just fucking Jw, just wish I could have it more.

I took my daughter to the pool today. 2 things of note. There was a white guy there I found attractive. I saw him there last week. He is very tall, well built, dark hair, looks like he could be Greek or Brazilian, but he has got some swagger to him. I like the gold chain around his neck with the gold cross on it. Im not attracted to too many people who are not black so that was news.

Then I try as hard as I can to pretend I dont see my cousin there. I dont like him really. Him his kids just not my favorite people in the world. I have made a point to keep some distance from him because he gets on my last nerve. Well of course he wants to chat, he says " Just you and your daughter here? Just the two of you"? Yes Asshole I feel like saying... Just fucking me and daughter. Like Always! For someone who always wanted a family life I sure as hell have strayed far away from it.

Even in my marriage it was always me and my daughter, always emotionally and most of the time physcially. I wonder how a real relationship would fit into all of this? How would our life change? Could I change? Like right now As I walk around in my underwear and tank top spending 30 minutes unloading my soul on here, listening to Nick Jr in the back ground, how would that need to change and how would it? .And I still think about a 3rd baby. Having babies is not easy and I dont want to be over 35 having babies. Too many things start to go wrong after 35. So i say to myself that this time in my life where i watch nothing but kids shows and spend retarded amounts of time playing games and reading books will end. My baby / babies will grow up and will not need me in the same way. I should soak every second up and worry about all the rest later.

This is week 22 in the pregnancy. I am hoping it passes as quickly ass the rest.

The Jamaican called me last night, at first he just chatted with me and then we said good bye, 2 hours later, the can I come over call. Now sometimes we have a language barrier, I talk fast and he does not always know what the fuck I am saying and vice versa. But I told him he can stop by real fast, but he cant sleep over. I think when I said he cant sleep over that is all he heard. So he did not come by, I was not really into pressing the issue. I knew I could have used a quick fuck on the couch, but I would have to get out of bed, walk downstairs, talk - not in the mood for that. I let it go. I just don't like him in my bed. I don't want him there so long. I think in the past there has been times he comforted me but I don't so much need the comfort anymore and I just feeling numb laying next to him.

I woke up early and proceeded to the continuation of putting fucking shelves together in my basement. I started going through shit with vengeance and hauled a few bags of trash out of the basement. I still have a retarded amount of shit, all useful to me at one time in a different life. I know I was really not ready to let this shit go before, but I am there now. Now I am mentally there, but I am lacking the physical energy. I am getting there though.

I spent about an hour on the phone with my mortgage company trying to finalize some things with the old property, i finally began to see the light at the end of this process. It has been mentally draining, I need to rid myself of this old house. I went to my moms today. I know it is crazy but there are times driving back to and around where I used to live that I look around and there is not a living soul around. I will drive for several minutes before I see another car. It is a very alone feeling. It has always been like that where I grew up. And even though I live only 15 minutes away, it is a world of difference! Driving there makes me feel some anxiety. I will not drive past my old house, and particularly not with my daughter. After we spend some time at my moms, my daughter wants to go to the diner we used to go to once a week. On the way there I plan on stopping and seeing a friend of mine, his nick name is Lucky, a foreign man who has been my friend for about 6 years. A very nice person, always wanted more of me, more of my time, more of my body, but he was just a nice person I enjoyed talking to. I have not seen him since August. I go to pull into the place where he works and I see that it is abandoned, shut down and everyone is gone. I was like a little taken back. I don't know how to get in touch with him, and he did not even call to tell me. Even at the diner, that we loved so much we ate there once a week, the whole staff knows us, the all know my daughter and watched her grow up, it is different. It is all ending and changing and evolving and I cant seem to hold onto anything from the past - try as I might!

My level of exhaustion is intense. I say to my mom today, as I am fighting to stay awake laying on here couch, "I was not always like this was I"? It feels like this will never let up. I try to remember all the energy I used to have, and remind myself it will come back. I used to be able to work all day and come home and make dinner and then go out. I used to be super mom, never skipping the bedtime story, a birthday party or a sunny day, now I am making my kid do as many chores as I can make her do because I am so exhausted.

At the park today, there were a lot of fathers with their kids. You know that hurt me! I began to think about all the things this little boy would not have that my daughter has. It makes my soul ache for this child, I could have done better. I could have made better choices. I thought that I would feel that way about my daughter - sad that D was not in her life. Turns out I am very glad my ex is her dad, Im sad that D is not able to be a man and acknowledge his daughter, but I think it all worked out the way it should have.

I am getting nervous about giving birth. I have some where around 18 weeks to go, but I am already nervous. Very very nervous! I need to stop watching the baby shows, they always show things going wrong. I am standing in the kitchen, my daughter points to my boobs and says "look mom your belly is bigger is these already". Got to love kids honesty.

I came home tonight in a state of utter exhaustion, to a house that my kid trashed again. Littered with dolls and doll clothes and barbies and I lost it. I think I might have scared my kid for the first time in her life, but she did understand. I just cant take anything extra I want my house clutter free and my life.

Almost 8pm and that means i will be going to bed very soon.

I spent a lot of time thinking this week. I was thinking about how my life has changed so much, and how my feelings change, my love changed, all of me. I was thinking about how the results of that damm Dna test changed everything and how I feel like it will never be the way it could have been.

My friend says to me today, I need to find a good man, to settle down with. And "please look some where new because where you are getting men from now is not working". I laugh. She says why dont you try match.com. Laughing I say to her, I would never find someone I am compatible with on one of those site. Monogamy is not for me. Even if it means me fucking someone else once a month, every other month or a few times a year, it is not realistic for me to have one lover for ever. So with that, why bother looking for someone in a place where most people expect monoagamy. I refuse to live my life in a lie, so my choices are find someone like minded or be alone. I dont think she understand it, she does not understand sex with out love. If only my life could be so easy, one man, one marriage, one babys daddy.... obviously not the path I will walk in life.

I have this urge to do something this weekend. I need to have fun. I need to enjoy some part of my life and not just work. I dont know where I will find this fun, but I am looking hard for it this weekend. I feel like I need a road trip or something. Just feeling a little restless. I feel like my life has been EXACTLY the same since i moved here. Work, see the Jamaican one day during the week and Jw on the weekend, very little conversation with anyone ever, and constant working on painting, organizing, and getting my life together. I need a little change of pace. I need sometime with my girlfriends, now that the crying has let up, i might be able to do that and enjoy a night out with them.

In pregnancy news, the clothes situation hit rock bottom today as I was so uncomfortable in my underwear they would have been off if I did not have on light tan pants. I got to get some maternity clothes bad. Now that I have accepted this pregnancy I probably can get some... I was not emotionally ready to do it before.

I woke up this morning 4 am. I was wanting the dick. I tried to use the magic wand to make myself cum, just to take the edge off but it was the feeling of the dick in my body I want to feel. I spend 40mins trying to get to the orgasm, watching Jw fuck me on my phone, and using that magic wand at 4 am. 40 mins for an ok orgasm. A lesson in frustration. I fell back asleep almost instantly for an hour and half before i had to get up. My mind may not need sex, but my body really does. I cant deny that. I know I need to find someone local who can take care of things, but my motivation to do that so is very low. Just never seems like a priority, until the 4am urge hits.

Was feeling a little sadness today, as i think about all the relationships that have ended in the last year. I know that I must let these go in order to make room for new relationships, but it did make me sad. It was a rough year, with a lot of emotional loss.

I have been spending so much time alone this week. My daughter has been at her dads or at my moms, I have had a few hours to work on going through the endless amounts of baby things packed up from my daughter, pulling out the useful things. I get so teary eyed remember all the little clothes she used to wear. This pregnancy is becoming more and more real each day.

With all my alone time I have become a little bit better at not feeling so lonely, but I don't like to come home to a house that is empty. I don't like that I have no one to share my day with, maybe it just takes time to get used to. I don't know maybe this is good for me, maybe I need to find my own way.

Jw asks me if I was fucking tonight? It had not even occurred to me. The only way it would have happened if someone got my attention enough for me to answer their call or text and if they could be at my house at 6 and out by 630. I would have fucked the Jamaican for stress relief if he would have called but I was not seeking out anyone. Im tired again, like I was early in the pregnancy, its 7:42 and I am having trouble keeping my eyes open.

With my more quiet mind comes less need to blog, come less need to fuck and less desire to seek out anyone for anything. Anyone who reads this for a little bit of time already knew my mood would change and so would my level of expression.

In pregnancy updates this is my 21st week, and I have gained 15lbs. I gained a total of 20 with my daughter and I am already at 15. Not good, but I dont know what I can do. I keep eating extra veggies, fruit trying to exercise when I am not too tired, but the weight keeps coming. And the intense urge to eat all the time is crazy, I am starving all the time. The weight is upsetting, and the other night when Jw came over and he has me take off my pjs I just sigh. I know it really does not matter as it is not that you cant tell I gained with with my clothes on, just feels better to hide a little bit.

I have an evening with out my daughter and I am going to try to be very productive and finish up some things in the house. I am going to try anyway. I feel pretty good tonight. Still doing good not crying all the time :)

I missed a whole day of blogging. I was still beyond words on the Jw situation Monday. I woke up exhausted! It was everything I had to take my daughter swimming, and go to the food store. The situation with Jw defiantly was causing me too much stress. The whole day tainted by sheer anger and hurt. So when I see him online, I message him. He responds back with Hi which I am like seriously. I cant really text because I am driving, so I ask him to call. We are on the phone and I just begin to say what is on my mind. That felt good. It felt good to be able to do that. It felt good that I was not afraid to say that he hurt me, and insult is choices and berate him a little. He says to me in his best street voice "this is what I picked up the phone for - for you to yell at me". Me yell...I was not yelling but I was not happy. But his words did focus me on some more self control. I did not want to me a lunatic yelling on the phone. I just wanted to say my peace, which I did. But he stole that satisfaction from me when he tells me he was angry with me. Now perhaps looking back I should have realized he might be irritated with me. I thought he was when we talked Wednesday but when I pressed the issue a little bit I felt like I got reassurance he was not. Either way. I dont know if he understand the seriousness or even still understands the seriousness of such an infraction for me. I have dismissed people for much lesser things. He reassures me he would not just drop of the face of the earth and never talk to me. But how hard has been listening or reading not to know how intense my fear is about that. If I have not blogged it I have laid in bed next to him and talked about it. I have said "sometimes I am afraid you will just have enough of me and disappear". Seems a little cruel to do that to someone. He says something to me which was somewhat disturbing (and before I say this I never know what is the appropriate amount of information to share, particularly when some things do feel private) He said "do you really love me that much". Really? From one of my favorite songs "I told you that I love you, and there aint no more to say". Is that a test? And if it is I will always fail. I will never pine away inactively for someone, I will never sit with my loneliness and hurt alone. I will always find someone to take my pain away if only for moments.

So he comes down here last night, he does not stay very long. I was in bed, excited to seem him, but unsure how I would feel, I did not want to cry, I did not want to yell, but I did want to see him. There is something about the way he carries himself I love. It is the confidence that I notice as he opens my door and walks into my bedroom. I wish he would have come to me and hugged me, but if he did I would have cried. He had some video he needed to look at, so I had that ready for him. Video of me with my old dom. It was hard to watch him watching it, hearing it. I know how I felt in my head that night, I dont think it came across in the video, but it was just weird for me. I would have rather him watch it with out me there.

Of course with no hesitation I suck his dick. We move into what we do, and I get into my zone. You see it is not worth having sex with someone if I cant hit the zone...at least how I feel in my zen state of sexual satisfaction tonight. We lay in bed talking until he has to go. I tried not to cry a lot. I stopped talking a few times so I could say what needed to be said instead of just crying. I still am unsure if he got the severity of his actions in my mind. Not that I was scolding him, but I really had to talk about it a little at least. It felt good in bed with him, even when he casually said something about how I don't always do what I should. (Ouch, I live in denial about some of the obvious things I know I should not have done). I lay in my bed watching him get ready to go, he comes over to kiss me good bye and I really wish he would just hug me with everything thing he has, or I could hug him, for a long time...I get the best hug I can get with his arm injury I suppose. I watch him walk out of my room and down the steps, I hear the door shut, and I drift off to sleep - my body feeling satisfied, my heart comforted, and my mind quiet.

My day continues with a quiet mind, my coworkers comment on how much better I seem... which means I am not a hormonal mess. And I do feel so much better than I have in the whole pregnancy. If not for the fatigue I would feel very close to myself again. I am feeling better about the baby, I am starting to feel more connected. When i can get the room finished, and feel ready for this child I think it will help me focus on something other that the logistical things. The financial strain, the emotional strain consume me sometimes making it very hard to focus that this is my son. It even feels weird saying that - my son. Wow. My sole responsibility to raise this little boy into a man.

While Jw is fucking me I can feel him kicking me, a lot. Right now his feet are low and I feel them kicking the hell out me. Bizarre sensation. Very bizarre. The kicking, the fucking, and my body close to orgasm. Little bit of sensation overload.

I woke up about 6, positive there would be a text on my phone from Jw. This just all seems a bit weird to me. There were texts, from my friends, but not from him. Still dumbfounded on that. I just don't understand. I spent the morning painting the baby's room. I do enjoy painting, not nearly as much as I have had to but I do like the physical repetitive motions that soothe me and quietness that lets me think. I think a lot about what the fuck happened her in the last two day, and I am trying to imagine where the fuck he is and why did things change. There is something very unfair about this.

A friend of mine called me last night. I have not talked to her in2 or 3 months, she knew nothing about the DNA test and all the bullshit in my life. I had been ignoring her calls. I looked at her name and let it ring a few times before deciding to answer. I dont want people to feel sorry for me. But when she asks me about Jw, I am really ashamed to have to say "I dont fucking know". Ashamed! Why am I ashamed for his behavior I dont know, but that is how it felt.

Then there was this conversation I started yesterday morning and continued this morning with a friend of mine. She is like me in a lot of ways, not as extreme as I am, but definatly someone I can talk to about men and fucking. We commiserate on the utter sadness of having fantastic dick for a long period of time and than being left ( by choice or not) with none. And how freaking hard it is to find a man who can fuck you good! Even if that was the only thing they needed to do, it is still hard to find a man with a good dick who knows how to use it. And then attach that good dick to a good man - you might just want to forget about it. Im sure it is not as bad as it seems. It would sure help me if I would meet new people. I hate to meet new people!!! Hate it hate it hate it. If it is just for fucking, there is the fear of the unknown, size, will it be good, will he last long enough, will this be a waste of my time, and will he be a crazy stalker? Then if it is actual dating, there is that horrible awkwardness and all the unknowns. This is why I like to stick with the people I know, but I realize that is not always best.

I hope I hear from Jw, if for nothing else but a confirmation that he is indeed alive. Other than that my day will be continuous work in this house of mine. We usually spend the day with family, but my parents are arguing like children, and I dont have it in me to deal with extra bullshit today. I just let my mom know I will be staying home. Its the 4th day of no crying, but I must say I am close to the edge of throwing in the towel. What is wrong with people?