Leap Day has left me just a little bit listless. I have nothing scheduled for this evening, no lessons, no play dates, nothing. So why am I so fucking pissy? I am down right miserable. I just feel like I could curl up and cry myself to sleep.

A few things bothering me. And to be clear because sometimes I feel like people have the impression I am a sulking, depressed, shadow of a woman making way through the world, these feelings are just my own, most people generally don't think of me, or se me as miserable.

- Have plans for a night out with the girls from work. I dont want to go for a few reasons. I dont like the restaurant we are going to, and there is NOTHING on the menu I would eat except for the dessert. Seriously nothing! They will all be drinking, and they will all look nice, and I will be a big pregnant wreck with my fucking hair that wont stop be curly even when I straighten it, wearing one of the 4 pair of pants i have to wear. Why bother? If I cant even enjoy the food, and I already know I am going to feel like shit about myself then why should I put myself through this. I would enjoy the company, but I dont think it evens out. And I dont want to be the only one not going, so I want to go but I just wish I felt better about myself.

- Still think about Jw more than I care to. I dont understand why with Jw and T, whats wrong with fucking still? I dont get it, at the end of the day if you enjoyed the sex why wouldn't you keep doing that? And then I start to feel like shit about myself like maybe they did not? Or maybe they are not attracted to me anymore? When you think about things like what would make a man not want to engage in some sexual activities, it starts to bother me thinking about christ am I that bad?

- I saw a friend of mine today while running errands. She did not know I was pregnant. I had purposely not told her last time we talked. We spent about an hour talking and laughing as I explained my crazy life to her... she just kept saying, oh my god, oh my god. And you know she asked about D. They all ask about D. "I surprised you aint talked to D in all this time" . Why do people keep bringing him up?

-I got like no sexual urges, I feel like I dont even have any feeling in that area. This bothers me more than I care to admit. Sex is how I define myself, Im not having any and to be honest I am not even sure if I could come if I were having it. The sex with the Jamaican was not good and did not make me feel good. I am hoping to have some BBC and I am keeping my fingers crossed that provides me with some more gratification.

I did not sleep last night. I was up past one, just restless and chaotic. I know this is why I feel so undone. Going to bed early tonight try to catch up on some sleep and sanity....

That was fast, today felt like a marathon. I feel pretty good tonight though. A burst of energy just hit me. I am debating on how to acquire some entertainment for Thursday Evening....I got alone time I need to take advantage of it.

I feel peaceful today. I dont really know why but I do feel peaceful. Nice.

Apparently the pregnancy has officially made me a little bit mentally confused, as my mother informs me that I keep repeating myself and the girls at work keep asking me if I am ok, as I do little things that make no sense. I do say to myself sometimes - what are you thinking? Just feel a little stupid. I maybe a lot of things, but slow or stupid is not one of them, at least not before pregnancy.

Tonight would be perfect if I was sitting on a bbc while I typed this.

Today has been a little like the twilight zone. One bizarre, unexpected event after another. One of which was my ex husband dropping off a gift for the baby. That is just bizarre no matter how you slice it.

I have lost like 4 lbs, which would bring me to total weight gain of 23lbs, but I can seem to eat, which concerns me, I need to make sure I get the basics in but there are a lot of fucking shit they say you need to have everyday, the milk and protein alone plus all the fucking fruits and veggies. I get a growth scan to see how the baby is growing next month. That will either ease my mind if he is average weight and growing the way he should or freak me out if he measures to big, because too big will mean he is probably coming early. Although how sweet this pregnancy is compared to the last. All the turmoil I felt in the beginning of this pregnancy has just went away Gone! Maybe God really did answer my prayers because I do feel peace when i think about my son. I feel nothing but joy and I am so glad that all the things in my life lined up the way they in order for me to make the choice to keep this baby. And yes that even means Jw being nice to me, had he had not been so ready to be a father if the baby I just knew in my heart was his, I would have not have kept it, and if I did not have my parents holding me up after I got the DNA results back I would have made an impulsive choice.

I had such good intentions today, go to the pool make a half decent dinner, clean up this house. None of this things happened. I spent and hour and a half on the phone with my bank and must say they had me in tears for the second time in one week. You would think I am managing millions here with all the fucking security checks they have now.

One of those day where nothing quite going right, not that anything is really going wrong.

One of the people I work with died over the weekend. I was somewhat sad, but quickly felt a sense of peace for him. I know he is not suffering any more, his life had become just about surviving another day. There are a lot details there, but I hope he found peace, and i feel pretty confident he did.

Dinner was mis matched and hurried and then my daughter fell off the chair and scared the shit out of me and her and needed about 15 minutes to me holding her to recover.

The girl I click with at work so much, was having some issues today. She got some good dick from her baby's daddy. That made me jealous. I saw when she came it she was different, some good dick will do that for you. It is not only the good dick but the slapping and brutal fucking that goes with it. Not everyone knows how to do it, and not everyone can do it well. But they day ended poorly for her, and I end up feeling frustrated with her lack of communication with the team.

Like I said one of those days. I dont want sex at all but what I want more than anything, is to see myself pregnant on video sucking dick and getting fucked like a whore. When I think about all the things I had thought about with Jw, all the fun shit we could have done, I get PISSED. If he did not want to play with the pregnant whore I wish he would have gave me some notice before I lost interest in everyone else. I feel like I am down to the wire. I got like maybe 9 weeks I can get it in and no real prospects, and no real tolerance or patience for anyone or anything. Makes me feel cheated! Mother Fucking Pisses Me Off. Im still feeling like a bitch. Im so fucking angry.

Ugh feel like crying tonight, not out of sadness, but frustration and stress. I got no peace just chaos. I just feel like beating the hell out of someone. :) Good times.....Good Times.

I invited the Jamaican over on Thursday. He wanted to come over Thursday but against my better judgement I put it off for the off chance Jw would follow through with what he said. So he calls me and after the conversation with my daughter and I dont want to be bothered. He kind of persists and I yell a bit at him, he comes over anyway. In all the years I was with my ex husband he just could never get when I am yelling and nasty it is because my feelings are hurt. You hug me and love me and I turn back into myself again. Anyway he came over and we sit on the couch and talk. He says " tell me whats wrong baby girl", and I begin to explain how I am so hurt by love. How I dont understand why love is never enough to sustain a relationship, or why I seem to love people more than I ever get back. I lay my head on his lap and he strokes my hair and rubs my back as I just cry. We do this a long time. He talks to me as I cry about God, about life, about when I find a good man I love, not matter what I do, dont fuck it up. That means do not have sex with a bunch of people on the side. Love only him, give yourself to him. He reassured me that I will begin to feel better when I have the baby, and he reminds me that I will ok, that this child is a blessing. Children are always a blessing and not to forget that. I let his words sink into me, fortify me.

Of course eventually we were going to have sex. Sex pregnant not easy, sex on the couch pregnant really not good. I did not even have a desire to have sex, but I knew my body needed it. So he gets on his knees on front of me as I lay on the couch, he cant quite get the angle either one of us wants, I eventually have to move to my knees, that is good for a few, then I get this sensation that I did not recongnize. I honestly could not tell what was happening, was this orgasm? was it the need to urinate? was this the feeling before I squirt? was this the baby tap dancing on my cervix again? I had to have him stop to evaluate. I never stop fucking for anything. Had I been in my bed with a waterproof cover i would have kept going, but not on the floor Im not cleaning any of that out of the carpet.

After he holds me a bit, listens to the baby, watches his body jump around in my belly, rubs my body, just makes me feel good. I know that he is not someone I would could ever romantically love, it is a very different kind of chemistry there, but it does make me hopefully that there might be a man out there who can nurture me like that - when I need it.

So the guy I met the other night, I might see him again today. I am a little unsure. I like talking to him, but in person it just felt like too much work. Maybe that is normal? I dont fucking know. Although I feel like a BITCH today, so I am not sure I will follow through with that. Let me add, I value his time as much as my own, so when he asked me if I wanted to hang out today I let him know I would not be able to let him know til later this morning when I know how I feel, and that I have errands to run in the Morning/ Afternoon and that may play a part on how I feel. It would be pretty fucked up to not be upfront about my intentions and fuck up his day waiting around on my empty promises. This is just common courtesy. ;) Take a lesson. Common courtesy will take you far in life.

On my way home from my parents house my daughter in the back talking.

her: Mommy I dont want you to get married again, because we only have 3 bedrooms, and one kid is a lot of work and you have two now, we cant have another one.

me: Being married does not mean I will have another baby, I will have another baby if God thinks I should

her: well then why would you get married then?

me: well people get married when they love each other and they want to share their lives with each other

her: well why dont you marry D, i know you love him

SILENCE

her: Mommy! How come you dont marry D?

Me: I dont know if D and I are meant to be married

her: But you love him dont you? I know you love him

Me: Yes I love him, but I dont think we are meant to be married

her: hey look at the moon mommy, but why isnt is full tonight?

I cry in silence for the rest of the ride home, in between explaining the way the moon works.

Do I put off a vibe, had she heard me talking in my sleep, is she that in tune to my feelings? Why would she say that? I would NEVER say anything remotely negative about her father to her, so I try to always keep it positive, when she asks why he does not call me, or come over anymore. And it was really hard to keep it positive and not break down in to pieces. Thank goodness it was dark out, and I then turned on the radio. So I guess the secret is out to her, I think I am hiding everything but she knows. I must say that made me a bit fragile tonight. I did not want to think about that at all.

As I was out today, I did notice all kinds of black men, most of which attached to a white woman. Why am I so different then these women, why can I not find a man to be with like that? Im not asking for much, just a man in my life, not just fucking me, but in my life. Loving me and fucking me. Why is it so hard for me to find this.

Sometimes I just have no need to blog, then something stirs the fire in me and I find myself with no outlet for this burst of energy.

I take my daughter to this dance class, with the wanna be real housewives of atlanta, with one token white women in toe, and I just look at them with disgust. It is not only that they are disgusting beyond words, it is that in just a few short years they took innocent babies and turned them in to the scum that they are. They are just horrible people, and their children are mean spirited and overwhelming give me the urge to smack them. I have known these kids for almost 3 years now, when I took my daughter to a very high priced childcare center, and came in contact with these people. They kind of leave you with you jaw hanging open and shaking your head. My daughter now HATES dance, and tells anyone who will listen that she hates it and it is no fun, only to find out it is not the dance she hates but the girls she must dance with.

The primal urge to protect my baby. I do it naturally with the death stare I give to these children, I am super vigilant, in a room full of people my eyes are only on my baby girl and reading her emotions and her feelings. I only exist to help her through this world. This is my purpose in life, I almost feel like I am no longer anything else. God gave me this child, these children, I have to do the best that I can with them. I need to create loving, kind, strong minded, nurturing gentle people that will contribute to this world. I feel so defeated as a mother sometimes when reality is that she needs to learn to deal with things on her own and the best I can do is talk to her about it, encourage her, love her, and help her choose the best response. But how i would love to go in there and bring these other children and their families to tears.

I wake up this morning, heart racing from a dream I am having. In my dream, I am or someone else is moving and D and D's brother are there helping with the move. D does not acknowledge me as he takes two women back to a bedroom to fuck. I get through the day and it is all said in done, I have said nothing to him and I turn and walk away to leave and then like a bat out of hell I turn around and begin to beat the fucking hell out of him. He stands there unemotional and I scream at him you are a coward, do you see your daughter? He stands there poker face with that fucking face of his- I hate that face. This is when I woke up during the punches I was throwing in my dream and in my bed. Idk what prompted that. This is has been the longest D has ever stayed away, and while I did feel closure with our relationship, and I felt like we said what we needed to, I am still angry at times about his lack of relationship with this child we made. She asks me sometimes, where he is at, that shit is when I start to loose it. I cant even call or email him. I have no contact with him. I just thought he would want to do check on his daughter every now and then. That dream was so real!

Coward seems to be a word that is permeating my mind lately. It seems to be the only way to describe some people. Coward to means a person who is not willing to play fair in love, in life, who will hurt people behind their back, anonymously, but is incapable of being for real and upfront with people because it might cause them some pain of some sort, some uncomfort, some difficult moments.

I saw the old Dom. I needed some dick. His dick is good and he is reliable and respectful, I tell him i just want a quickie and I am serious he has like 20 mins. He shows up exactly when I asked him to and we get right to it. I did get an eye roll and sigh when I handed him a condom, but he cooperated. I had not had sex in awhile, and in that time my belly has been growing. It was not easy to fuck like I wanted to. At one point I had to laugh and say "this is not as easy as it used to be". I kept trying new positions and I found a few good spots but damm not easy.

I love my tits to be sucked on while I get fucked but it is getting hard to do that. While I look forward to not being pregnant again, I feel a little short changed with the limited amount of fucking I have been able to do during this pregnancy.

At least I feel better and maybe my better emotional state will attract the right situation for me, the right man, the right dick.

The girl I work with, she is so much like me. We love some good dick, and we talk daily about our lack of it. I think this is the first women I have been able to talk about things like slapping and choking as a form of foreplay and normal activities in sex, and she gets it and likes some of the same things. Work is hard sometimes with sex. We all talk about everything that happens and then there is the daily who got some conversation. That shit is difficult to hear sometimes. These married girls who barely like sex fucking more than I am, the girl who will wither and die with out sex. Hardly seems right. And sometimes I feel embarrassed for the people I invite into my life. They ask with no hesitation all the time "Jw has not called you"? or "still not heard from d"? Really Ladies, Im trying so hard to move forward don't keep asking me. I find myself missing Jw. That frustrates me. I try to do what I feel like I want to, to follow my heart. Usually I try to put of a wall, pretending like I do not having feelings, like I do not miss people. I realize I need to allow myself to be a little human and allow myself to miss people and maybe be sad and that is ok to be sad about it. But I feel like I cant find that happy medium place of missing someone and being sad for the loss and feeling like I might loose sight of my own needs just to fulfill theirs. Even when I can glaring see this person does not have my best interest at heart, I am somewhat driven to continue the abuse. I know I do it, I just dont know why. I run toward the abuse.

I am feeling like I am alive again. I love it. I am taking steroids to help with my breathing and damm I understand why people would like these things. Amazing. I can breathe, I can walk and breathe, it is 830 and I am still awake and down stairs. It makes me feel like maybe I will feel human again when I have the baby. It has been so long since I have felt alive. I remember when I was moving, the way my body ached from the unending physical labor. And trust and believe I did as much heavy lifting as any man who helped me move. I miss that ache, it makes me feel good. The sweat, the burn. So I actually miss being able to work out... who would have thought I would have gotten there, but I do miss it.

So much on my mind today. A lot is about my children whats best for them, what are my beliefs and can I defend them. Todays topic, circumcision. I am not circumcising this baby, as I believe with every thing I am that God did not just give us spare parts for no reason, and that it is mutilation and inhumane. So many people add their two cents, hard to remind myself why I do what I do. The same reason I did not get an abortion. It would have been easier and perhaps the more rational choice for some, but I could not live with myself if I did that. I had an abortion and 17, and i was only 7 weeks, but I could never do it again. It was horrifying and sad, and I still acknowledge day in my life when I did that. It is forever a sad day, I sometimes go to church on that day, I always talk to my God on that day, but I am always saddened by my weakness, and impulsivity on that matter. 15 years later it still haunts me and brings me to tears with just the thought of it. I got to follow my heart, if I learned nothing in my life, I got to follow my heart.

So I do, and sometimes I get hurt by it, but at least I do it most of the time, or in time I will.

I have been feeling very sentimental, thinking about my parents, and all that they have given me, and how they give so freely. And I know I would give my daughter anything in this world, no matter what the sacrifice to me, but maybe I never understood their love for me was like that. I wish I could better to tell them how much their love heals me, and supports me but I cant do it with words. Not yet, Im just not there.

Where I work I see so much death. I see seemingly healthy people die in a matter of weeks right in front of my face. I see people full of life one day, only to learn they have died the next. Life is so fleeting. I try so hard to draw the people I love near me but sometimes it is all too much. Why does love need to hurt as much as it heals?

So in my sexual needs, I am pleased to announce I am beginning to feel like a women again. I feel pretty good this week, and almost sexy. I might have to try to make myself look a little bit more sexy to match how I am feeling. Thats easier said than done but I can work on it.

Still need to get some though. Been a Long Time.

This has been one long weekend. I spent most of it not feeling great, but did end up going to the doctor this morning for some assistance with my on going pregnancy breathing issues. Starting to feel alive again after having so much trouble breathing for so long.

So I can quite decide how I really felt the other nigh with that guy. We still talk, and I like talking to him most of the time, but you know there is something that is sitting with me that says, im missing something. Something here is not quite right. I don't think it is pessimism just instinct, and dammit I am not ignoring it this time.

So I am feeling lonely still. Not in the soulful, deep needing a spirit to connect with way, but in the I need to be someones fuck interest. I need to be gripped up by a strong man and fucked. I am a little aggravated by how I am here with no one fuck, and I maybe should not have taken the Jamaican for granted for so long, because he is not even able to help me out right now.

I have been searching for some bedding options for baby. Not sure if I will be co-sleeping, crib sleeping, some where in the middle of both, but it occurred to me with paralyzing sadness co sleeping would equal no more nights of being held by a man. I get a lump in the back of my throat thinking about that and I am nearly brought to tears. I feel like I am so starved this kind of affection and every time I turn around my life is making it damm near impossible to happen. I love having my daughter sleep in my room. I worry endlessly when she is without me, even at five years old, I want to be there for her for when ever she might awake. And with an infant, alone co sleeping seems more favorable for breast feeding. So what a hell of a choice. The scope of how single parent hood affects everything is astonishing. Shit, with co sleeping I am not even sure where I would get it in. With my daughter D and I would co sleep from time to time, or she was in the bassinet next to the bed, but that is his child. It is different. LOL how simple it is to even think about making a hot fucking video in my room with the crib in the room, or a crib attached to the bed. Forget paying for daycare, Im more worried about how I will feel like a whore when I need to with a newborn.

Yeah okay that was not fun. I mean I felt like we had some chemistry, we were able to talk for a few hours on the phone, he was attractive, and friendly. It just was not there. It was awkward at times, boring at times, at times made me want to jump up and bolt. Im still glad I did that, you need to know, got to try out people to see how they fit in your world. Here is what I learned about myself. I am a very aggressive person. So I did not really know that or acknowledge that before, but I am. I go for what I want, I don't ever wait for it just show up, I do seek out my desires. I am submissive when I am met with the right level of aggression. And when I am submissive I feel do not the need to be so aggressive. He was not aggressive at all, not even a little bit. I think I had a little bit of disrespect there too. I can not respect someone who does not want to better themselves. If you are content with everything in your life, I have nothing to add.

Before I got pregnant, Like a week before, I met this guy, he came to my house and we fucked on the couch. He was in his mid forties, business professional, semi attractive, but had the swagger. He came right in and took control, in a positive confident way. I remember after we fucked for an hour or so he said to "Can you make me a sandwich" in a authoritative way. I loved that. That is the confidence I need. He did not care where he was, he was not unsure he knew what he wanted and made sure he got it. The sex was not even that good, but he had my respect. I found out I was pregnant a week later and he was not staying around for that.

So I am glad I did it, and I am glad it is over, and I am missing the men of my past tonight. I am missing Jw's dick and the way he touched me, and the feeling of giving my body to him, I miss the closeness after the fucking. I really miss the feeling of being owned, feeling my choices are not my own but to be okayed by my Dom. Ugh.

Getting ready to get in the bed alone again. I still don't think a normal relationship will ever work for me.

Feeling a bit more confident about this evening. Not feeling sexy in anyway, but hopefully that will come. I still dont really understand what it is I am doing. And I realize that I say that I am not going to mess with men for a bit and I am just going to focus this child and myself and my daughter, but if I am not looking and they come, it would be like interrupting fate to not follow my hearts desire... I got to at least try it. :) I am very apprehensive about this kind of situation. You know where it is not about fucking and about getting to know people. I remember how fast things moved with T and how there was such a quick progression from fucking to loving to the ending. Why is it when people seem to get to know me well they bounce? I wish I could get T to answer that for me, but he still wont discuss anything about that situation.

Been feeling a little sad thinking about YB. Just thinking about this is his son in my body and he does not care or more accurately he is unable to acknowledge or accept any of it. Just sad. Children are so freaking wonderful, he will never be able to get back the moments he will loose. I question if it was the right thing to do to have the police threaten him. At times I think it was because if I continue to hear the daily verbal abuse I would have ended up in a hospital, he was taking me to some ugly places. Other times I think if I could have been stronger I could have fixed all of this. I could have given him the room and time to do what he needed to, to come full circle. He never did respond to my text a 2 weeks ago. It just becomes more real and real each day, watching him move n my belly, feelings his kicks, and watching my daughter talk to him and feel his kicks.

It is has been very hard to do much of anything this week, and I hated HATED HATED to do it, but I needed to ask my ex to take the trash out for me and go upstairs and pack my daughters bag because I just could not do the steps again. I just get too out of breath go up and down like that. He did not complain at all and seemed happy to help but I hate asking for help. This is going to be a long couple of months til this is over.

So maybe I call it a date...

I have plans with someone for tomorrow. Not like come over and fuck plans but like actual plans. Feels like a date, but I am real close to canceling. I don't know if I can do it. It is only the pregnancy that holds me back. I like him, we seem to mesh, but pregnant on a date just feels too weird to me. I hope I can do it. We have been talking for a few weeks, He knows I am pregnant, but how I wish I felt a little bit more sexy for a first time meeting. I wish I had a few more choices of what to where. I also wish I was not so fucking in need of dick. You never want to come to the party starving - but I am starving! I felt ok this morning a bit sexy almost, I was feeling good, but as the day progressed, my feet began to swell and my tits began to ache, I felt much less sexy. I gained about 26 pounds now. I have had to force myself to eat this week. I just am not hungry, I have no appetite, but the weight still comes. I love it.

Maybe I will have to throw caution to the wind and do it. The girl at work asks me "what do you have to loose"? Umm my dignity whats left of it. Then I have the doubtful thoughts of what is wrong with him that he would want to do this? Seriously? I dont get it. I can see myself getting all emotional maybe crying LOL that would be great. Fucking is easier, once you get naked and fuck you feel pretty comfortable around someone. Like after you see me naked legs spread with your dick in my mouth it does not matter what what I look like in these pants.

I'll keep you posted.

Words are tears that have been written down. Tears are words that need to be shed. Without them, joy loses all its brilliance and sadness has no end.

So all that crying is just words I need to get out, a story I need to tell, a sadness I need to end. Nice concept. I like it. Last night my ex began texting me. I know him so well that I can tell by his tone in his text what is going on with him. I know he is in a bad place. I know no other way but to help. I would never able to sleep at night nor face myself in the morning not helping a hurting person. I like this about myself. I like that I am compelled to help where ever I can, and that I am able to forgive easily. Most people dont see me as a forgiving loving or even friendly person. The first impression people have of me is that I am a bitch. This may be true. I don't mix words, I say it how it is and I dont sugar coat. I found I have never been assisted by someone giving the sugar coated version. I like raw and I give it raw. But there comes to a point in life when someone has done something wrong to you it does very little to seek revenge, to hold hate and let it consume me. I do believe, when it is all said in done, almost all people do the best that they can with the place that they are in at that moment in their life. Maybe my own naive nature allows me to think that, but I am not so sure I believe that many people are evil. Evil is out there, but i have never met it. So all the people who hurt me, just as the people I have hurt, was not done with malice. So when my ex apologizes to me, I took that and I let a lot go. Not that I dont grieve or get sad but I am not angry with him, and I am happy to help him if I can. It broke my heart as we texted and chatted. I know he is so lost in this world I understand that lost feeling and not being able to see any kind of relief in sight.

This baby of mine as moved his head down. I watched him turning in my belly yesterday, pressing on and contorting my belly. I knew he was moving his head down, but how I have forgotten what a fun feeling this is. He feels very low. Only a woman would understand this feeling, but it feels like with one jump or ride over a speed bump he just might fall out. It kinda of makes you walk different. I can breathe a bit better today which is a nice switch and my boobs are not quite sitting on my belly now that it is not protruding quite so far and high. I had a good cry in the car this morning, and I tried to figure out why I was crying. It did not take me long. My body aches. It just aches. Im tired and my ankles are swelling. Sleep alludes me as I toss around trying to get comfortable, and I just feel like I cant do it anymore. I woke up this morning in tears feeling like I can not do this today. I can not pick my body up and do this. I picked up my phone to call out of work like 3 times. I need to be at work for a few reasons. I need to get most of my work done that is due during my maternity leave, I need to stay off the shit list after my freak out last week, and I need to get as much paid time off as I can when I have this baby. I did it, and I managed to be on time too. I had a good day but I really had to dig deep.

I home tonight, I need to clean up. My house looks like I should be on cops. And at the very least I have to make my bed.Still no sex either. The girl at work mentioned that maybe I should do that, I would probably feel rejuvenated. I probably would.

A week after I got married, friend of ours got married, almost 12 years ago. We would hang out from time to time. I never really was all the friendly with the girl. She was more reserved than I and one of those people who no matter what look miserable. But her husband was a big flirt. We woud have phone sex, chat online, all kinds of things. He loved that I was a slut, he wanted to fuck me and we talked about swinging and things maybe got as far as inappropriate touching, but that is about it. I was working with 3 very vanilla people it is not easy for regular people to go freak. The last time I saw them was right after my daughter was born about 5 years ago. We had kept some contact via Facebook, or a random call here or there.

Fast Forward to tonight. I take my daughter to swim lessons and I am getting in the pool to help with the swelling in my feet. Now as I was getting my bathing suit on, I tried on my maternity bathing suit from when I was pregnant with my daughter. OMG I look fucking huge, I could not do it. I put on my regular bathing suit which was too big for me. Now I shimmy it over my belly and it is too low cut, I dont like my boobs to be that visible in public. Either way I am there relaxing in the pool water up to my neck my boobs look good because the float and look huge. This guy says my name in question form with a quizzical look. It takes me all of 2 seconds to recognize who he is. I think my face might have turned red. We talk in akward conversation, he does not want to bring up the divorce and I can see he is uncomfortable. He says congratulations on the baby, and asked me if it was planned. I have a good laugh with that one. We talk about a half hour with lots of weird looks. It was time for me to go, and of course my kids begins to act like a brat and I stop and say hello to his wife, she was pleasant but I did not want to stay. I have seen these people in four years and the night I see them again has to be me in my bathing suit 7 months pregnant. WTF.

So on this valentines days I spend alone, I must say it feels better than all the others that were forced and unloving I spent with my husband. I will take no love over forced love or fake love anyday.

So I know I have talked about my birthday is this month. My mom has tried to nail me down to ask me what I want for my birthday, or do I want to do anything for my birthday. I can not even articulate a response without crying. I dont know why I cry but it is a little bit overwhelmingly sad to me and always have been. I have always hated my birthday, Christmas, and time where gift or attention are given to people you care about. Maybe I dont feel like I am ever loved or is it I dont love myself enough to feel like I deserve any love. I dont know. I think about it, write about and try to figure it out but I cant. I dont know what my problem is. I prefer to not acknowledge my birthday, but my daughter makes that damm near impossible. She loves a birthday cake and blowing out some candles and she knows why my birthday is. Meanwhile I try not to cry during the whole thing. I need to seek some therapy on this issue one day when I have the time and the money. She meanwhile I continue to dodge the topic until I can try to speak with out falling into uncontrollable sobbing.

I think I called my mom no less than eight times yesterday. Each time I was crying or close to it. I said to Good Night to here, covered myself up and laid down in my bed, I began to pray and before I could even get to it I began to sob uncontroablly. This sadness just comes out. I wanted to stop, I knew I would all puffy in the morning from the tears and it was not good to let myself get into a dark place, I could not help it. I dont know what I am crying about. I dont know why I am sad. I am just hurt.

In honor of this Valintines Day love has been on my mind.

Sometimes I kick myself for loving. I try to reel my feelings back as I try to protect my fragile heart. I pretend I dont love people who hurt me anymore because it is easier than accepting that these people I loved, and because I loved them I only saw their good qualities, had flaws and as much as they loved me it would never take away that they too were human.

My dad loves me, he would give his life for me, but he struggle with addiction most of his life. My mom loves me but she is not always able to love me the way I want.

My sister and brother love me though they lack skill (like I do) in how to express that.

The ex loves me, but he struggles to keep his own sanity and love himself.

I know that D loves me, but I also know he does not value relationships in the same way that I do. His love looks different than my love.

My daughter loves in me in only the way I kid could love, unconditional and pure. And then the people who I loved and never really understood if they knew me enough to love me... I still love them. Even if they dont love me, I still love them. I still feel like I want to be near them and connecting with them makes me feel good, be that a phone call or text. I want the people I love to be near me as much as possible and I am not going to stop loving them even if they hurt my feelings. No one ever lays on their death bed and says, damm wish i did not love so many people or I wish I loved him less. So fuck it - I love who I love I do it with out shame tonight.

Daycare shopping had officially begun. I had a cry in the car after the realization I will need to leave my baby with someone. Very heartbreaking to think about my baby boy being rocked by another woman. Kind of breaks my heart. I dont have a lot of choice though so it is what it is.

I have not had sex in forever, or I think like 2 weeks or around there.. maybe 10 days. I want it tonight. Home alone too, but no dick again. Frustrating.

Im pretty tired tonight, I tried to get to sleep early last night but I was so restless all night. I think that is a symptom of no sex.

I was just having a conversation with someone about sexual need and how much I would need it if I was getting it whenever I wanted it. Guess I just dont know. I have never had it available to me whenever I wanted it. I wonder have a been a sex addict all this time or just starving for it?

So thats it, thats all I got tonight. I cloudy mind, limited creativity, little energy, and much sexual frustration. I just need someone to suck on my big tits and fuck me so I can sleep again.

I had written a post yesterday, quite a long one, but I left it on the screen all night, came back finished it and there was an error with the site and could not recover any of it. Must not have been meant to be said.

Today feels ok. I feel very pregnant but at the risk of jinxing myself I must say I feel really good compared to my last pregnancy. Im more tired that I would like to be and I am short of breath even talking, but my body still feels good. With the last one I felt like my body began to shut down after 20 weeks. This is my 27th week, 13 weeks to go. I keep meaning to take a pic, but I am somewhat disturbed at the way things look. My tits are practically sitting on my stomach now. They did not drop, my stomach and the baby all got higher. And they are getting more ready for breast feeding. They just look very motherly. That will be my goal for the week to get a pic up.

I think about my friends, and maybe I should pick up the phone or respond in some way, but it all feels a little too forced. I feel like I would be forcing myself to do it and pretend I like it. Even girls night I just responded that I would be there feels like too much of a struggle and I love those women. I am lonely as I can be yet just want to be alone.

Looking around my house I see pictures of my ex, in family pictures. Frustrating somewhat how you build a life with someone and then it is just over. Im still working on this one. When we separated I just did not have the ability to see the scope in which divorce affects everything. I look at people in bad marriage and I wonder why they stay, but I think I know. Divorce sucks whatever life you had out of you and leaves you kind of blank. And I had a very friendly divorce. Makes me think about T and all the drama he went through and perhaps that is why he is the way he is. Divorce breaks you or at least me it did.

So I have an appointment with a tarot card reader, not sure why I made it, it is next month. Im trying to be real sure about what I need to know before I go. I do believe in this way of guiding a person. Sometimes you just need to hear the obvious, sometimes you get messages from people that have passed and sometimes it just makes you feel like everything will be ok. I feel like bringing a picture of every person I ever loved and asking them how I fucked everyone of these up, and will I ever find one that works?

So I have a job still for today. I am not sure how any of this will pan out. I really did not need this extra bullshit as I am really struggling in general just to get through the day to day of life. This worry and also this embarrassment that I lost control. I thrive on being in control. In my real life anyway. I am always in control, but I seriously lost it yesterday. I hate that. It makes me feel weak. I hate even more everyone knows about it, but today could have been worse for sure. My supervisor is off on maternity leave now, maybe our yelling match helped bring on her labor, either way I wont see her again until I get back from my maternity leave, so about 5 or 6 months from now. Which is good! We need the space and in the mean time we have a supervisor who did more work in 6 hours than she did in 6 months. What is sick is I have 3 bosses. Saw the lowest level is out of my way the highest seemed to understand my situation, and the middle is the only one that is worrying me. I frankly feel like still my behavior was justified, but still not how I would have preferred to handle myself. So with that the boss that is now off, texting the girls at work, you know everyone with me about the baby etc... That shit got under my skin a bit. But thats ok. We are all friendly, but she is not someone we hang out with. Really a little childish but I must say I cant stand this bitch. I dont want to hate her like that, but I dont think we will ever get past what happened the other day. Im still upset about it. Im still stressed by it, and I want a do over so bad. Ugh.

I dont feel real well, I am sure it is the stress, I made some plans for tomorrow but I am not sure if I want to follow through. Just feels like it might not be worth it. Someone I know, but too much effort, I dont know if I have it in me.

Today might be a good cry day. I been feeling a little sad all day.

Here is something I am willing to admit to today. I am a little oversensitive about my child, the baby. I feel so defensive and so like he only has me in this world. I kind of feel like no one cares about him but me and I react in a very visceral way when I feel like no one cares about him. The truth it is just me and my daughter and that is it. I just have this primal urge to protect, it is hard to explain, like I am trying to protect the unborn baby from any pain... it is bizarre I know. I am probably more hurt than I am willing to allow myself to acknowledge about YB being such a prick about the baby and that he just really does not care at all. He dont have to care about me, but he should at least care about his son. Because I fucked up my child will have to suffer - that is hard to swallow. I need a do over for that one too.

Sometimes I feel like I want to reach out to my friends, which are becoming more and more distant to me, but I dont. It is easier to be sad alone. I dont want to cry infront of people. I remember that one night with Jw I could not help but to cry. Horrible. I am fighting so hard to just get through each and every day. I am a little concerned about my mental health to be honest. I woud have long ago sought some medicinal assistance if I were not pregnant because more often than not I have no joy in my life. I go through the motions but I can not grasp enjoyment in anything I do. What is scary is the weeks after the baby, as your body readjusts to the decreasing hormones, you dont sleep for any amount of time, and you become overwhelmed with a new baby. That scares me. What if I cant do it, what if the sadness overcomes me and I cant do it. Or I dont recover from the sadness and this melancholy follows me where I go. Its scary. I want so badly for my life to be enjoyable again. It has been such a fucking horrible year for me, just any enjoyment or happiness would really nice.

For instance it is the weekend, and I dont have anything to do, but I cant come up with a single thing I want to do either. Feel so lost. There is this guy I have been texting, like maybe someone I would have a relationship with, he knows I am pregnant and still wanted to get to know me, etc... I just feel like why bother. Why do you want to even know me? I should just end it now because nothing good will come out of this. I feel unworthy to be even talked to or treated like a women.

Then there is L then who manages to make angry beyond words without even trying. I have nto seen him in a while but we cant ever talk with out fighting.

Dont tell me you care about me, or please dont ever use the words feelings because at this point I dont ever want to hear that shit again. Sex and feelings dont mix in my life. They really dont. I think that is over. I will take a loving sexless relationship and get banged on the side. That sounds better to me at this point. Hurts a bit more when you love the person you have sex with, the rejection feels so much deeper so much more like I dont like any part of you or I dont like all of you.

I should just tell every man who talks to me I am too broken right now, I feel the sanity slipping away from me, and I just really dont know where to go next. Just one day at a time. I try to spend time at home relaxing and giving my child a peaceful place to grow, concentrating on that alone, but christ Im bored, Im lonely, Im unfullfilled. This shit sux.

I actually feel a little bit better. Letting go of all the sadness and a little bit of good chat online put a smile on my face and relaxed me a bit.

I went out got myself some ice cream I have been craving and I am feeling a bit better, actually smiling. I was looking at some pics of Jay Z. He is so sexy. I need a man who looks like Jay Z with some Jay Z swagger, but I would not hurt to have a twist of Russell Simmons. I love him too.

Im having a lot of those practice contractions tonight, Im going get a shower and go lay down hopefully they will ease up a bit.

Home early from work, and I think there is a good chance I might get fired tomorrow. Time will tell. My job at times is 1000 times more difficult than it needs to be due to an incompetent boss. I pretty much left in the middle of the day and screamed at her. Like I lost it. I have not lost it like that in a long time, but should took me there. It is not a good day, and I must say tomorrow is not looking any better either since I know all the firing happens Friday afternoons. I talked to the big boss and things seemed ok but you just never know about thing where I work.

My stress is pretty high right now and I am trying to figure out what the fuck I need to help me relax but I can seem to calm down. I just could not breathe thinking about having no job. That would not be good. Im not going to be able to get a job at 6 months pregnant...ugh. Everyone cross your finger say a pray and wish me luck with this one.

Fyi I freaked out for a very good reason. I don't want to go into details but anyone would have freaked out. This was not just a pregnancy moment or a crazy person moment. Time will tell.

Tonight I am just going to try to breathe and try to relax and get through the night.

"Is that your granddaughter"? said the man at the pool. Ok this might be the worst question someone has ever asked me. Now he did immediately correct him self and daughter, and he was 75 so I guess I can give him a pass, but holy shit my self esteem took a hit with that one.

Just getting home from the pool. Feels so good to go and get some exercise in. I have long since given up on the elliptical while I am pregnant, but swimming is amazing . Weightlessness and cardio workout. I love it. My belly does not get in my way or feel heavy. I should go more often. I probably will as I become more uncomfortable. So last night, I ended up feeling pretty satisfied with just porn, but woke up at 530 ( not too bad) needing some fucking. Of course I move the magic wand and start to think I will need to pull out the whole bag of trick and toys but I try porn first. I start with the standard Jw clip that makes me cum all the time. I have an orgasm but it was not the ONE. Im not sure if everyone women goes through this but I need the ONE. The body shaking orgasm that feels like someone flooded your brain with a happy chemical, and your body shakes uncontrollable, and you can not speak or hear or think. I have other orgasms that stay just in the general pussy area but the ONE sends waves of euphoria all over my body. So I never got to the ONE. I had plenty of the normal ok orgasms but I wanted the other kind before I stopped. I watched some videos online, I even tried a YB video. NOTHING. I got no kind feeling. I will not watch the D videos, I still need some distance from that one. I dont want to start missing him and want to get in touch with him. (See I am learning self control :) Either wayI need the one, and I have no new prospects. Its a dismal situation, but what can I do.

Home alone tonight. I am kicking myself again for not making plans earlier, I did want to fuck. I don't feel like I need it but I do feel like I should do it, because I know I am feeling stressed. I just sat down at my computer and decided to watch Jw fuck me. Why I do this to myself I am sure I will be upstair fucking myself before the night is out. Jw never responded back to my question of how I hurt him, I am not surprised though, He does not often respond to texts, even when he appeared to be into me.

Watching him fuck me is fabulous, so glad I have my own little video collection to refer to when I want to relive that good shit.

So the girl at work shows me this video, she warned me was harsh, of a girl getting her mouth fucked a big dick brother and she starts to vomit, and the guys pulls back her head and spits in her face. I watched it and loved it. She started to laugh at me at all the the shit I am so squeamish about but I like that. It is nice to have a women I can chat with about shit like that. Really nice.

I dont have too much on my mind tonight. I just want to relax and enjoy some porn. I serisouly need to plan some dick somewhere. The Jamaican probably going to be out the picture for a bit, as he is having some issues with driving, so I either meet some new people or I am going to be shit out of luck. What sucks it that I look so beat and exhausted aint nobody looking at me. I can usually meet men out and about. If I like someone it is not too difficult for me to flash a smile and get a conversation going. I am not shy at all when I want something, I know now my self esteem is a little low and I feel like I give off a vibe like please dont look at me, so it is difficult for me to get anywhere.

Jw's dick looking good in my mouth. :) I love the color contrast of our skin. This shit is so hot. So much for getting any house work done I will be watching this shit all night.

I wish I was one of those people who could just control their urges a little bit more. I have made progress with this in life but overall I am a slave to my urges. Like I need to restate the obvious.

I see Jw online today on Yahoo. First time I have seen him online in awhile, because I have been looking. I saw his name and I get this feeling rushing through me like something like a healthy mix between the rush of a roller coaster and the sadness of a funeral. As soon as I see his name I know I am going to say something to him, but I did not know what. I wish I would have taken more time to think about what I wanted to say to him. Like what did I need to say to him for me to feel better about things, was there angry I needed to express, or was there sadness I had to share. I could have given myself at least 10 minutes to regroup. I could not do it though the urge was so strong, I could not take it. I messaged him. I am not totally sure what I typed at first. I would look on my phone but my ex is having another soul sucking conversation with my daughter that I had to put my head phones and turn on a little 2 Pac to drown out the monotony.

So my perception, he apologized, I dont know what for exactly though. Sorry for what; the pretending I do not exist, the telling me you love me but not giving the respect to tell me if something is not working for you, or both, or something else I am unaware of. I pretty much told him I was angry. He is not very fun to talk to about things like this, he does not come back at me, he just kind of agrees with me. Apathetic perhaps. Yes that is it, he must not care too much, I want to argue with passion. Not that is was an argument, it just kinda felt like me talking and him nodding his head staring into space. I was at work sitting at my desk and starting to cry a bit. As I get up to shut my office door I got interrupted and I feel like I lost my bearings a bit. He said that I hurt him, but in my cloudy emotional state I did not read it that way and now that I had time to read his words correctly I dont know how I hurt him. I asked but I got no response. I hurt him.... how? I know the baby situation is less than fantastic and I know that had to be part of something, but hurt him? He always makes comments about me fucking other people. I hate that. I did not even want to fuck anyone else. Even if it meant I only had sex 3 or 4 times a month I was cool with that. I just wanted him. How do two people see things so diffidently. I wish that the conversation made me feel better, or made me angry, or devastated me. Any kind of definite emotion. I feel like I still sit in limbo with my emotions. Feeling sadness because I miss him and wondering where I went wrong, and what I did and when and why did things change, and feeling a little bit like I was just a sucker and too stupid to see the writing on the wall.

This is why I prefer to have any important conversation in person. We would talk, I would have what ever strong emotions I would have, and he would say what he needs to, I would react however and one of two things would happen: he would get up and leave when it was over or he would grip me up by my hair bend me over and fuck me. And that would be that. Too easy to hide online. Too easy to lie to easy to sugar coat and dance around the words you should say. I like shit raw and emotional and REAL. I like it real. If you are angry, I want to see it, you are hurt I want to see that too.

So here I sit tonight wishing I would have held my tongue. I left it with "it is what it is". What else is there to say. I have learned I cant control anyone or anything - try as I might. The best I could do is tell him how I feel and leave it at that. Shit I think I felt worse than I did before, why cant I ever just get some love? Like seriously God?

Other than that, not feeling great, went the see the ob doc today, apparently Im just fine but I feel like hell. I keep telling myself I am almost to the end. I can do this. With the end of the pregnancy comes a whole other ball game and stressors. I will have to up load a pic of me, everyone keeps asking me. I have one but it is a month or so old. I got to get the updated one.

I could really use a hug tonight, and someone to hold me. I hate laying in the fucking bed alone every night. Just feels like unending punishment. I feel like I am such a loving person, helpful, kind, I try to live my life treading lightly, treating others how I would desire to be treated, in hopes I will receive the love I am putting out in the universe. It really is not working though. At work today talking about my desire to hurt someone as they continue to try to talk me out of getting a gun, I say I never want to hurt people. I may talk a good game and scare people but there are only 2 times in my life I have been angry enough to hurt someone. Both with my ex. The girl at work said to me at work "maybe that is the problem, maybe you need to get angry and fuck someones shit up". Nah, nothing is ever that serious to me. I just keep taking the pain, I believe, I belive with all my soul that if I continue to live in a way that is true to my values and do what I feel in my heart something will work the fuck out. Right God... did you hear that... SOMETHING WILL EVENTUALLY make me feel like someone values me, loves me, wants me, needs me, completes me? Im kinda counting on that God, because other wise I dont know why I am getting out of this bed in the morning.

I am at the end of the time I have given myself to think about this. I got to make lunches, make my bed, shower and braid hair and get to bed. Thanks for listening. I dont know where I would be with out this blog.

This is how I know I dont fall in love with just everyone. I sometimes feel like I need to stress that point, because I realize my track record looks a bit shady. The Jamaican came over we sat down stair for a few talking. I must say the plight of some immigrants is astounding. I think many Americans do not understand how poorly these people are treated at times by INS. This only my observation, based on third hand stories, but something does not seem right.

We go upstair, my daughter oddly enough wanted to sleep in her own room. That in itself was biazarre. Anyway he said "you look healthy" with a smile, which means I am getting big. I am. We lay together for a few minutes and he fucks me. I needed to get on my knees but I was not going to stop him, it felt too good to stop. Afterward we spent some time laying together, he massaged my body - I cant tell you how bad I needed that. Then he spent some time listening to the baby's heartbeat, rubbing my belly, and just making my body feel relaxed and telling me this baby should have been his. This baby should have been anyones but YB. He left early, I told him he could not spend the night, I wont sleep. He just could not be nicer to me. And I was very appreciative, but I don't love him. While I would be heartbroken if he went back to Jamaica, and I like to see him, I don't love him, I don't want him. It is just a friendly thing.

And when I think about why I don't love him, there is no real reason I just dont. I care about him but I don't love him. Same reason I love the people I love, no real reason just cant he cuz lp the way I feel.

And I feel still very bothered by Jw. Just looking back and all the shit he said and typed and thinking...maybe I made it up. Maybe I wanted to hear so I exaggerated it in my head. No. Luckily the world of technology nothing goes away and I can reread conversation, and I did not exaggerate. Im not really sad, more than a little disappointed and feeling a bit stupid and like did that really just happen? Ok I just paused and thought about the whole thing and let me add angry into that. I am angry still.

Luckily I dont have too much spare energy to think on it too much, so much I need to take care of and do and so limited energy I cant spare too much effort in my broken heart. My poor heart that has been broken 4x in the last year. 5 if you count YB being the father of my child. That pretty much devastated me.

In some good news, I slept till 8am with out waking up (unless to pee like once an hour). I was shocked and delighted for a whole nights sleep. Sex is an ultimate healer.

The Jamicain never made it over last night but he is on his way tonight. He is about 15 minutes away from me going to bed so he better hurry. I did absolutely nothing today. Nothing all that productive. I took a three hour nap on the couch while my kid played dolls around me and at times on me. And then spent a few hours at my parents.

I am beat today. I have no energy whatsoever. I need to take the trash out but I can not seem to motivate myself to do it. I am just really exhausted.

Last night, my ex sent me a text about how he was sorry for everything he has done, he never meant to hurt me, I deserved better than what he did to me. I cant really play too much into that right now. I know he is in a weak spot in life and he is feeling lost. I told him I did deserve better but there is no reason for us to think about that anymore. Whats done is done, and we both deserve some peace from this point on. I meant that too. He deserve some peace, I dont want him to be punished or self punish. And for anyone not clear on why he is apologizing to me, he knew he did me dirty. We had an open relationship and me fucking other people was not our downfall. Among many contributing factors, I would say the biggest would be mental health issues (his not mine), never being loved as a child, loosing his job, and his inability to have a child. Im on the fence with how I look back at things. Somedays it felt good and somedays it felt forced, somedays felt like i would die if I stayed one more day. The dirty part was in his constant deferring of the truth, even when I knew there was a problem he shut me out, told he was fine and pretended. He spent lots of our liquid assets, because buying new things or starting new projects made him feel a burst of excitement and happiness. .

Ok well the Jamicain at my door... going to get fucked and go to sleep.

I woke up early to get a glucose tolerance test done, a standard test during pregnancy. Arrived at 645 for my one hour test. Sitting alone in the waiting room looking through my email, the toothless ex crack head working there asks me to move to the other side of the empty waiting room to protect patients privacy. I was pretty much a bitch to her, and asked he why they put chairs here if I am not allowed to sit in them. It was not pretty, I back down a bit because these people have to draw my blood and not loose it so I dont have to redo this test. I accommodated her but proceeded to watch a black person come in and sit there with no problem... things that make you go hmmm.

Work was been crazy all week and it was no different today. By 12n I was pretty much spent! I was exhausted and streesed. I received an email letting me know there is no funding left to help single mothers, but they could place me on a waiting listing. Thanks Chris Christie for cutting the budget for this program from 5 billion to 1.5 billion. I would have more money to spend on whatever if I quit my job filed for all the assistance I could and went to school, they would pay for school but not childcare so I could go. What is astounding it that you dont really hear too much about this budget cut. Do people assume single mothers are stupid and dont have enough sense to bring this issue to light? Or do people not care? I really dont get it. I will say the way people talk to me is insulting when I have called these agencies. I realize they must deal with drug users and people with no education most of the time, but I am now part of the working class poor. Way different than the way I used to live. Upper middle class to middle class to lower middle class and with this new child I am taking a dive to poor. I might exaggerate a bit, but It feels poor to me. I know I have seen poor people, I work with poor people, I am not poor like them, but I am sure as hell in need of a financial intervention. That was a litte devastating to me today. I spent about an hour just thinking in silence about the devastation this news would bring to my savings account, and my 401k. I am a very frugal person. I do not spend money frivolously at all. Either way Ill live just a matter of adjustment. I was not made for this shit. God Made me for better things than living check to check. This shit wont last long in my life. I dont do poor.

The girls and I at work today were sharing photos on our phones. As I scroll through Jw face and dick pops up, and it made me sad. I hate that. I just wish I would keep angry, but made me sad. Sad but i remember one night we spent together at a motel we were talking about relationships, and i said to him something to the affect of - dont do that to me, just tell me, just give me the bad news all at once like pulling of a band -aid. As I laid there I remember thinking, I am no different than anyone else he has hurt. If he treats one person in that way, why would he not treat me the same way. Im not special - for a moment as I said it I guess I hoped I would be but it was not long before reality kicked in and I realized Im not. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I felt stupid.

So coming home I text the Jamaican and ask him to stop by because even if I dont need dick I should have just for the relaxation benefits, I log onto to online booty call for no real reason and random booty pops up D. Or I think it is D. It looks like D, weird. It was hard to tell. But come on universe what are you doing to me. I try to move on and the pops up like one of those damm moles in the whack a mole games. I beat back the urge to pine away for him though and kept it moving.

Coming home I cry on the phone to my mom again. Go pick up my daughter and her dad calls as soon as we get in the door. How did I know things were not ok with him. I could hear it, but he talked to her for a few then wanted to talk to me. He was having the same anxiety attack that he has had over and over again for the lat 2 years. He asked me if I could just talk to him for a few minutes. I did, and I felt a little connected with him again. Sometimes it all feels the same like we are still partners, like we are still connected. Maybe that is just because we were together for so LONG. And it was just us. There were a few years when my family disowned me and his him. We were each others rock. And I miss my partner in life. I really do.

So the baby is kicking hard enough now you can easily see my bell bounce from it. And when I pressed on my belly today I could feel his foot or something. It freaked me out a bit, but amazing when you think about it.

The guy who came over last night, when we were talking about dating said in a very non judgmental causal way "it so hard to date women with kids, they are just all about their kids, they dont seem to have any passions in life, just their kids". He has no kids, which would explain this thought process, but I see him point. My life does revolve around my children. As a mother it is your instinct to do everything you can for them, give them every ounce of energy and love you have to them. Having said that some parents missed the memo of insticnt. We talked about YB today and how he can be so mean about his baby, and D, how do you create a kid and just not give a damm. I will never get that.

My friday -- Dance Class for my daughter, baking cookies and doing a puzzle with my daughter, hopefully a little Jamaican dick and sleep. Good Times.

Lastly I got a comment the other day and I tried to respond via email 2x. Both time the email comes back undeliverable after a they say there is some kind of delay. So with that I tried the yahoo ID but that did not seem to work, so to the person who left me the comment, would love to chat, hit me up on yahoo messenger njsubmissivegirl. If that dont work - it was not meant to be.

I felt good going to work this morning, right up until I was reminded about Jw. It got under my skin how he just ignores me and hurt my feelings to think this is his MO. How many others has he left feeling like shit? Like the shit he said to me... was he saying that to everyone else. So I am still a little pissy about that but dont feel the sadness anymore, more like anger, frustration, disappointment, and disgust. I swear if this was not a lesson in trust your instincts. My instincts told me from jump street to run. For five years my instincts told me to run. Anyhow I had the evening to myself tonight, so I embraced it. I miss my baby girl and being someones mommy but it is good for me to remember who I am. So I went out for a bit by myself, sat with my thoughts and enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being alone. I was walking around smiling - for a little awhile anyway. I was some what irritated with myself for for not making plans with someone but I think I needed the solitude. I sought nothing tonight. And tonight the dick just comes.

So when I need dick like need it like I need to breathe it is hard to find, but tonight it just came with a simple text " you busy"? my response "no come over" and he arrives 40 minutes later. Thats what I am talking about! Now I have seen him once before a few months back, we fucked in his parents house it was good, but a little akward. He is a vanilla guy meaning he is not a freak and does not frequently fuck pregnant sluts, so he was a little unsure. It was cool though, he is educated and I appreciate an educated man who can speak to me on a level I am comfortable. So conversation was easy. I have to tell him to get his pants off, which is fine too. He does not have a mandingo dick at all, but I like the way he fucks me hard and fast and no slowing down til him cums. This is all I need most of the time. So it is 820 I am ready for bed, relaxed and calm ready to sleep all night.

Now some side notes. I was thinking about Jw while he was fucking me. I was on my knees while he had his hands on my ass moving my ass with each thrust it was good, i would glance back at the door and smile at the image in my head of Jw walking in and trying to play that fantasy through. My fantasy a little bit different than it was before, now it is something like me telling Jw he will have to wait his turn to fuck me. LOL oh the places my mind will take me.

The other thing my sense of smell is always strong, and about 10x as strong with pregnancy. I dont like the smell of men. I think it is something to do with how I feel about them. I did not want him even in my bed, he smell was not bad by any means, just not what I liked. I have always reveled in smells. D's scent of sweat and Newport's when he came from work and whatever coconut soap he used right after he showered or his cologne, which I dont know the name of but I could pick it out of a crowd, T had no smell, My husbands cologne used to mesmerize me back in the day. I should say scent not smell, I would never go near a man who actually smelled. Jw had a scent I liked but not sure what it was.

I need a mattress in the basement so I dont have to bring these people into my bedroom. It was a really nice evening. I could not be more content and satisfied.

I just woke up a little irriatated. I keep thinking about this last few months, the paternity debacle. The utter humiliation, the feeling boxed into a corner with no choices feeling. Wondering if I did the right thing. I am angry how Jw has acted. I am angry that you cant elicit a response from him, or rather I cant. I should have known better, but I just let me so get caught up in that. I remember someone left a comment on the slut blog, something to the affect of "watch that one". Vague, I paid it no mind, but could that have been what they meant? Maybe they had a similar interaction with him. Was that my fair warning? Whole thing makes me sad.

Words are not flowing for me tonight, I just have a lot of angst. I can quite get through it. I am giving up on the any more sleep since it is no 515am. I have a night to myself tonight and I am feeling a little lost on that one. I had planned to try out some new dick but I never really got around to setting it up earlier int he week, and now frankly I dont care anymore. My body needs the dick, but to get my heart into might be a challenge. I feel a little like crying but I dont got the tears left for it.

What I need is someone to fuck me, for a long time, not expect me to talk to them, and not expect a whole of anything in return.

I am still working on getting rid of my other home. As I go through a packet of info for the lawyers last night and type up letters needed for myself and my ex, I am sharply reminded what frustrated the hell out of me in that marriage. He cant do anything for himself. A lot was his up bringing, he is just not knowledgable in business matters and does not really want to better himself in that way. I type the letter because I know they need it and he will procrastinate with it for a week or so then ask me to help him, and print it out and fax it for him anyway. I figure I will just save myself the aggravation.

As I feel my baby more more and his presence becomes more difficult to deny, I think about ever having to share custody. What if YB wants to be a dick and wants to be a parent, I can see him doing that just to piss me off. Im not sharing my baby. I was thinking about that as I laid in bed this morning and my daughter starts laughing in her sleep. That has got to be the sweetest thing ever. I am delighted by idea of have my baby girl and boy with me every night. I have wanted another baby so freaking bad for so long it feels good, or is starting to feel good and right.

Then to think about all events that happened that led me to fuck him that morning, and with out a condom ( even condom were a staple in our several year relationship) . Was this my destiny at work? If I did not have sex with Jw just days before with out a condom, I would have known it was YB and i would have terminated the pregnancy. Hard to believe how close I was to making that choice and how I can see now that would have been so wrong for me.