Saturday, March 31, 2012

I spent the day yesterday in the Labor and Delivery Dept, being monitored. I had been having contraction all night and they were becoming more regular so about 12n I finally called the doctor. I am 33 weeks today, so while this is not ideal time to have a baby, it I began labor they would not stop it or try to stop it. So I laid around all day in the hospital listening to the baby's heartbeat while they track my contractions. Of course the internal exam and a test to see if my body began producing the hormone needed for labor. Final results - wait and see. I had to laugh I could have stayed home for that kind of information. My doctor reminds me there is virtually nothing that can be done to stop labor for more than a day or two and if they become more regular again to come back in. My contractions stopped for a few hours and I felt really good this morning, the second I rolled out of bed - there is was again. As my kid comes to my aid and rubs my back and says "is it the baby mommy".

It's official now. Sex is over, masturbation is over. Sometimes orgasm can trigger contractions. As so come the long wait to have the baby and recover before I can have sex again. As my doctor is doing the internal exam, he asks me if I had sex in the last 24 hours...to which I am like yeah right. Which then sparks a conversation between him I and the nurse about sex pregnant. I know everyone needs sex, but I will tell you I dont need to discuss that casually with your hand in my body.

This morning I get a call from my exhusband. He has to put our dog down. I love my dog. We had her since we got together in 1998. She was old and frankly she had been on death watch for the last 2 years. But this morning it became clear she was suffering and in pain. And with that another ending.

Every horoscope and tarot card reading i have had in the last year talk about a time of "total transformation" and "absolute endings"- they could not be more right. This has been the exact way I would describe the last year of my life. I hope the universe sees that my life has been through the total transformation, and that nothing else needs to change and I can start just sitting still and letting myself adjust.

Spending the day with my parents :) They comfort me more than I can imagine they ever would. I still just really want my mom to be by my side all the time. They are coming to take my daughter to an Easter Egg Hunt and still help me with shit in my house. So for the last few weeks I have known that my mom will be in my bedroom, that she needed to help me with rearranging some shit and all that, and I needed to take the straps that stay under my mattress incase i need to be tied down and put them away. As they stick out at times, and I do not want to explain what they are. So in a moment in disgust I take away my bondage straps and tuck away in my closet.

My Mom needed my old cell phone, so I am getting it ready for her, deleting all the porn, all the old messages, etc. I last used this phone last March. What a difference a year makes. First thing I noticed all the calls from D. Lots of calls to and from. Then I was having more contact with Jw than I remember. I did not remember really ever talking to him, but clearly I was. I was having some kind of ongoing conversation with someone whose name I never put in my phone. Many messages from YB and then the messages between my ex husband and I. It was sad to read those, and it brought back so many memories of frustration and unhappiness. My life is so diffirent today than it was a year ago. I delete it all with a deep breath and a silent reminder that this is my journey in life. I should embrace all these changes, at least this way I know I am learning in life.

And in true form my day is not complete with out a good cry. Today the unreal frustration I feel from the physical limitations I have. I still have not even finished the shit in my house I want to do. I want to install a reverse osmosis system in my basement so I don't have to buy bottle water, and it is there in my basement and I am confident I can do it, or at least 90% of it, but I just cant get my ass under my kitchen sink to do the drilling and pluming that is needed underthere. I want my ceiling fans hung up in my house. I would have done it already, but I cant stand on a ladder, my balance is so off, and I need someone to hold that shit for me so I can do it. These are times I wish I had my life partner and my mother fucking body back so i can take care of myself!

Having lunch with my mom, there is this man who is disgusting to me, eating next to us. He is rude and loud, poor eating habits, and I said to my mom. There are defiantly times I prefer the single life. (There are many times I have felt embarrassed in public by a man. Many Many Times, and will say most of them came when I was with D - he is a little too much in public) There is nobody embarrassing me, nobody questioning what I am doing, no guilt trips. I must say I am not hating it right now. If I could just work in the morning sex, the naked cuddling, someone to go out to dinner and have an adult conversation with and help around the house, I would be set! I dont think that is a bad set up...






Thursday, March 29, 2012

I feel like tapping out of life until I have this baby. I am such a mess. I am glad to took a day off of work and I have two 4day work weeks next week and the week after, so I will have some extra time to relax. I don't really know what I was thinking turning a Lifetime movie on to be followed by the heart wrenching show Birth Day. I have been crying hard core all day. Not whimpering or sobbing but an all out loud cry. I just feel like giving up and not crawling out of my bed. This shit is so hard, and yet I remember it is not as bad as it was the first time and again I am beyond grateful that my health it better this time around. I keep telling myself I am almost there. I am almost there.

I managed to get into 2 arguments with my ex-husband today. Craziness. He of course has money issues, and wants to give me less child support than I usually get and is bringing up some shit from last year he paid for. I was not angry as much as I was just hurt. Why do I continue to meet all the bullshit in my life with fairness and compromise and always end up getting slapped in the face with my very own kindness. He later called to tell me he would give me the full amount and pay off the electric bill for our old home I have been paying on. Which makes me think if you did not have the money how will that work. He tells me not to worry about it, and he apologies, but I don't want his pity money now he feels bad because he left me with the entire balance of that bill. Ugh reminder of just how much I do like the single life, even though I truly want a partner in my life. What I don't want is bullshit and extra stress. I guess in all reality who does not want that in life, right? I am no different.

I am super anxious about the delivery. I just assume it will be as easy as the first, and I hope it is. But there is so much I can not prepare for, i just got to take a deep breath and let my body do what it will do and roll with the punches.

The Jamaican has not called me in a week. I started to really find comfort in his calls and checking in on me. Jw said I should just marry him. That made me angry. I don't wan to marry him, I don't love him. I care about him, but I don't want to belong to him.


Other than crying I have made some small progress in all the house keeping I have had not desire to do. I feel like throwing everything I own out. I want nothing in this house. I need a little bit of zen space. My daughter is still attached to lots of stuff from the old house, even stupid stuff like the fucking popcorn maker. Each week we pick some stuff she is ready to let go of, but for the love God I would love to just blow through this house with no regard for what she wants. It is amazing what a five year old wants to save. But this is a clue my baby still healing from all the changes in her life.

I am going to try take my girl swimming tonight and try to ease my aching body with some water therapy. Back to work tomorrow for one more day of paperwork and the weekend. Yah I made it another week! I will be 33 weeks saturday. Based on how my body is feeling I am gauging the baby will arrive mid April, about 35 weeks. Thats like 17 days from now.




Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I still want some more dick. I keep trying to think of someone who I would want to see but I must say I am not real into anyone right now,other than the obvious. I just really want some dick like I used to get it. I want that passion, gripping, bodies sweating and sliding, kissing, spitting slapping hard fuck and then sensual eye contact while he slides his dick in and out of my body.

It was a 2 Pac kind of day for me. There are times when I just need to listen to 2 Pac and zone the world out. I spent my entire 8 hour day doing paperwork and charting. I need that kind of music to get through that and drove home with that sound pulsating through my car making me feel free. I could not help but be reminded of branding. This is something I have talked about with 2 of my Doms. A tatoo to mark my body and remind me that I belong to them. That shit is so hot! I never did it. I came close to doing it with D, and I think if he had been in the mood to do that right then and there we would have done it. Either way I am a little surprised how this need to feel owned has consumed my thoughts lately. A reminder to me that I cant really live with out a Dom/sub relationship. To what degree I dont know.

I was feeling a like a big disappointment yesterday with my evening with Jw. I just felt like I was such a fucking mess, not how I wanted to be. I hope some of it was in my head and my perception of what I look like, and how horrible it must be to fuck me, and the dissappointing blow job was me being hard on myself and not totally reality or at least I hope Jw understand I am not myself at all. And that Jw only saw me 3times, i think, when I was not pregnant and maybe he thinks I am a crazy emotional person who only wears pajamas and never does her hair...Oh my god. I truly do not know who the fuck I am anymore anyway. Maybe this is me? I was not always like this. I did used to look nice at least when i went out. Even if I was not looking for a man, it never hurt to turn someone's head. But lets face it whenever i was out it was all fair game. I am anticipating by September I should be back to myself - whoever that is. That will give me enough time for my body to recover and loose this 40 fucking pounds i have gained, hormones to even out and get acclimated to my new life.

In good news, I had to have some blood work done because my baby has a lot of fluid around him. Per the doc - this could be normal or could be diabetes. So a second 1 hour test that I passed. As well as all my other bloodwork was Perfect. So that made me feel good. It always good to hear your baby is doing well and there is no issues. There is a new law in Nj that all pregnant women must have two HIV tests during their pregnancy to screen for HIV. ( I had both of mine, both Neg.) but my doctor was expressing her frustration with the law while we were chatting during my last visit. She said " I makes me angry I have to order another Hiv test for you, because big brother says I have to, you are not even in an at risk category, it is not like you have 25 boyfriends", I smiled at her and asked "have you read my Whole chart'? I think it is funny people assume that I am not fucking like 25 people. What about me makes you think I would not fuck 25 people in one night? But I know the answer. I am white, educated, articulate, health conscience, middle class. Wake up Health care workers, it is always the ones that you would never think that are doing these things. Shit I have even called the office for the morning after pill a couple times. One time there response was " we have down you are trying to conceive, are you still trying"? I say "yes with my husband". LOL Awkward silence after that. At one point I asked them to please indicate in my chart that I multiple partners and something to indicate that at times I will have marks on my body and that they are consensual. That shit gets real fucking old explaining while sitting in a fucking paper gown having the dr ask you are you safe at home?

I felt a little bad about saying I felt like I got the short end of the stick yesterday. I do feel like I wish I was not in this alone and maybe it would be more to the point to say I am dissappointed in the fact I have ALL the responsibility. I was angry about that today and actually gave some thought to driving to Yb's house today. I dont know what for, but the thought was fleeting and I know better. Besides I am praying hard that this DNA test is wrong. Please all pray with me. I did think about if it would have been Jw's baby how would our interaction diffirent in the last few months? Would that have made a diffirence? How much of his behavior is about me and how much is about this pregnancy and how much is maybe just how he is?

My mind is on over drive today. I am feeling a strong urge to clean again, I took tomorrow off of work. I need sometime to regroup and really just a relax day. I am so excited to have a damm day off. It has been since Nov. since I have taken a day off.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Cant get last night out of my head. But mostly I cant stop thinking about the dick. I want more of it. My desire is there, my ability is not. I keep telling myself only a few more weeks, but it is hard to think about not getting any dick for like maybe another 6 weeks or 9 weeks or more. Jw may have ignited a fire in me, I was pretty laid back about sex but now I am really starting to need it. Or at least today I wanted more and more of it. I feel a little like an addict who just got a hit and wants to keep the high.

So much about my situation seems so unfair. The whole thing is so convoluted. Had Jw not have came in me that week I would have known it was not his and made a different choice. Had Jw not have been there in the beginning making me feel good and supporting me I would have made a different choice. Had YB been honest with me from jump street I would have re thought things. So here I am getting ready to give birth and I am cant help but feel just a little bit like I got the short end of the stick. Again I am sure this child will be as loved as my daughter but damm, I feel like I lost so much. I lost Jw, I lost my freedom, my mind, my ability to have kids with a man I love and to have a father raise his own kids. I lost a lot. I will continue to loose.I will loose opportunity to meet men who might be perfect for me but will not want me because I have 2 children, i will loose most of my retirement i am sure, there is no way I can pay for this. I lost any shot I may have had at what I wanted for my life. Gone! With that I know I am gaining a son, and a more complete sense of fulfilling my life. And I gain wisdom from experience and the knowledge that pain - even intense heartache will not squash my spirit and I will be able to keep on going.

I want a do over for last night. I want a do over in the worst way. In the do over, I would have been more emotionally shut off. I would have worked that shit out before he got here and kept my emotions in check. I would NOT have cried. I would have been ready to suck a dick properly and made sure if nothing else he would come back for that. I would have gotten on top, anyway I could get on that dick and lose myself in it. I would not have cried. I would have decided and known in my heart either I submit to this man or I dont. Too much ambiguity in that for me. There are things that I can enjoy and revel in if you own me, that just disgust me if you do not.

About 6:15 and Im ready for bed, I did not sleep much after he left. I was just restless and unable to sleep well, and my stomach still hurt bad all night. It still hurts, the baby keeps trying to stretch and it is killing me. I feel his feet pressing on ribs and my upper belly. He moving SOOO much today. I just wonder how i will feel about him as they place him in my arms. Will I see Yb or will I just see my son? Im not sure. I am so excited that this pregnancy is almost over. My body aches so bad. I think it is weird people ask me if this is my last one? And when i say know I would have more children they act like I am crazy. I love being a mother more than anything. I take pride in parenting my child and soon to be children well. I feel like I need to defend my right to have as many children as i want. if I can pay for them, it is my choice.

My daughter over here now reading some of the words I type. Ugh I am not looking forward to her reading well.... i will have to hide so much on here. Its time for me to go - I had to keep writing to my spirit felt a little lighter - and now it does.


Jw came down last night. I was not real confident he would show up so I tried not to think about it too much, but as he calls me to tell me he is on his way my chest tighten a bit and I began to feel like OMG he is really coming. My body needed to be fucked so bad. I wanted to feel submissive I wanted to feel like a whore I wanted all the feelings and his big dick in me.

When he got here I was having difficulty making eye contact. I did not want to look at him. I felt so ashamed of myself, of my pregnancy, of everything. I really could not look at him. I knew this would be how I would feel I also knew when his dick was in me I would be fine. He watched some videos that he had not seen, and told me to go upstairs, I casually replied "in a minute" as I finished something up on my computer, he said "now". Ok now that is what I miss. The choices being taken from me. I happily jumped up, and was even more delighted he stayed down stairs for a minute while I walk up the stairs, damm near panting and catching my breath. It was nice I could do that alone.

It is akward for me when he comes in, Im still not looking at him. I just want the lights off and darkness but then there is no video. Might have been better for Jw to fuck me in the the pitch black, maybe he would forget I was pregnant. Either way lights were on. Jw seems frustrated with me at times at one point asking me if i had "forgotten" what he liked and how to touch him. I did! Of course I did. This man in my bed with me felt like a stranger, I had really put a lot of that shit out of my head and I was really feeling like him being there would just be easy good fucking, a little conversation, and keep it moving. Not that it was not those things but more on that later.

So I guess it is my body not the lack of length of anyone else penis that keeps me needing this feeling I cant seem to get. Jw dick is nice and always hits the right spot easily, but I cant get it this night. I beg him to fuck me harder. I want it hard! I change positions, I still cant get it. It is frustration as all hell. If I were not big and unbalanced I would have hopped right on his dick and made sure I got what I needed but I just cant do it. My body is not my friend right now. I did not feel good about being on top 40lbs ago. I really was not going to do it now.

Nonetheless my body began to relax and feel good. I must say I can not recall if I had an orgasm. I am sure I must have, but I dont remember a consistent flow of them. I do remember feeling like he did not want to be fucking me and feeling very undesirable to him. He did not touch me the same way. When he used to touch me I felt I belonged to him and now I just felt nothing and at times like he was trying not to touch me. I was happy when he wanted me to suck his dick at the end. It was nice to forget about life for a mintue and have his cum covered dick in my mouth and all over my face. I totally feel like I did not give him good head. I was disappointed with my performance, he later said it was good, but I knew I could do better. Christ even if I cant fuck the way I want I should be able to move my mouth right... ugh.

I was not prepared for him to cum on my face. He never does that, he always cums in me, and frankly I prefer that. I really wanted that. I like the way that makes me feel, makes me feel owned. As he grabs my hair and tells me this is what he does to sluts and covers my face with cum, the moment is a bit surreal and humiliating. In recalling it the humiliation was not bad, but I still wanted cum in my pussy.

We talk for awhile. I felt like there is so much I wanted to say, but could not think of what any of it was. I just kept looking at him and all the space between our bodies as we lay in the bed. Gone were the days of bodies touching I guess. And I started to realize that I was not as prepared as I thought I was for this. I really had felt I had let this go, and not that I have not but maybe I thought I was at the point where I would have no feelings or at least not have feelings I could not control. He talked I listened, I watched his body language, We talked about lots of things. Dating was one of them and me talking about finding someone. As I said I was just like wow, so there it is. 6 months ago I wanted only him, I would have given him all my love, my attention, my devotion, my submission. He felt like booty call. I did not love the feeling. I was glad we were able to talk and at least I understand somethings better. I dont feel so angry with him or even hurt like I did. I just understand his limitations a bit more now.

We go downstairs, we eat, we go back up. He is going to sleep for a bit, and I intend to as well. My stomach is hurting from I dont know what, growing pains, the gyro I had for dinner, babys feet pushing on the top of it, it just hurt. I lay in bed already feeling a little raw from the physical pain, and I just cant help but moan a little and I try everything I can to fix this feeling. I lay there watching him, again with that distance between our bodies. Christ I dont even this our feet had touched. I start to cry. I do it just as silent as I can, feeling the tears drip down my face. I missed him. I just really missed him. I wanted to touch him, I wanted him to touch me, I wanted to be close to his body. I just succumbed to the idea of that Yes i loved this man and that I still miss him, and my heart still wanted him and just him. He asked me if I was ok a few times. I say Yes. I try to keep my composure and contemplate going downstair to cry this one out in private and let him sleep. My heart just ached in this moment and he asked me if I am ok, I get out a "yes I just missed you". My head told me - dont say it dont say it, but I could not help it, I said it. I dont think he said anything to me about that, I am not sure if he responded, he moved his head and laid is on my boobs and fell asleep, while I wept.

When he left, he came over to me and kissed me on the cheek and I pulled him in for a hug. And he was gone. It was way different than I anticipated it being. I thought I would be more casual, I really thought the feelings were gone or shit if they were not I thought I could at least pretend like they were. I felt really confident in that, I was wrong. It all just wore me down.

I think I thought the blog would read - he came over, fucked me like a whore, here is the video. I truley did not anticipate having feelings..... hmmm what has happened to that part of me. I used to be so good and turning my emotions off and on. Only I had the secrets of how I felt and now it seems like I have no control and I am at the mercy of my heart. Going to have to work on that. I prefer people see me as heartless and a bit callous.

I am keeping my fingers crossed the video came out, it is time for a new camera, this one become a pain in my ass. I need some new video to masturbate too and I want to see how things looked. At one point I almost asked Jw, how I looked? I stopped myself. I did not want that answer. There was not even a good way for him to answer that one.


Sunday, March 25, 2012

I have had a burst of energy. And damm it is nice! I spent the day with my mom yesterday. I feel like I have been missing her, like I want her near me all the time. It was nice. We were out shopping getting lots of things I still needed. And I spent the rest of my day in my room cleaning my dresser drawers and closet. The power of the nesting instinct. It is a wonderful thing! I am still feeling pretty good today and oddly enough I dont even feel that huge, even know I am. I have gained 37lbs....:( Having said that the Last 6 at least is from the water retention and swelling, I gained all that in a few days, but still daunting nonetheless. I keep telling myself it is almost over, and with that statement comes realization I will have a baby in just a few short weeks.

Out with my mom yesterday, she asks me about D, and when I have last talked to him, and where he is blah blah blah. I had to just put my hand up and shake my head and say I just cant talk about it as I try not to immediately fall into tears. Then we are talking about other shit and the guy T, who I was seeing last summer came up and then she asked about who Jw was and where he fits in all this, and I shake my head and I say "damm mom you making me feel like a whore". We have a good laugh but my mom takes that time to tell me she just never imagined me wanting to be with people like that, as I tell her I just like the company of men. She says to me " you could not stand anyone to be too close to you for to long". I like men around me. She does not get the Dom /sub thing. All though she knew about it at one times, she just does not get it and perhaps why she does not get my desire to have a strong dominate man in my life. I find my purpose in serving others at least sometimes.

I feel like I might be ready to starting working toward a career change. I began college with and interest in Business Law. That was the track I was on then some how money and business all felt trivial and I felt more of a need to help people. So I landed, after working with children for awhile, in the Mental Health field. I am good at, and I feel like I fulfill I need to help others there, but money is not where it needs to be and being single I no longer have the luxury to do what feels good because I dont need the money. But more than that - I am hungry for power again! I want power in my life. I want to lead and the field I am in there are not many power positions and I would need about another $80,000 worth of education to do that and a lot of prayer to find one of those positions that will pay enough to make getting the degree worth it.
I feel like I might need to look more into law. I at times feel a little overwhelmed because i am older (33) that all the education will be too much and suck my soul dry, but if I love it it should flow? right? Who knows, but my spirit is guiding me as I listen to and try to decipher what it needs out of this journey through life.

I talked to my mom in detail about this fucking hot tub situation. I need to decide what to do with it. I said I might be ok tryign to sell it but I love it and I used it almost everyday. It was a place where I found peace, alone looking at the night sky, listening to my spirit. It soothed me. As my mom said - water has always soothed you. And it has. There is something so intensly peaceful about water. Even as a child I remember seeking out water, listening to it, feeling it, watching it. It quiets my mind, allows me to heal. I am an Aquarius. I just feel once I give up that hot tub, I will never get anything like that back again. That scares me. What keeps me from moving it to my house, money, permits, fence, time. I could not have used it pregnant anyway, but I need to do something with it soon. Of course it is huge. Like 8 person, I would not mind a smaller one, but not a whole lot of resale on these things.

I need to get moving and not waste this energy. I get another ultrasound and stress test tomorrow, and I am really going to try to upload video later tonight to at least get the process started.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I began to panic a bit when I begin to think about how soon this baby will be born. I know my body is preparing, I can feel the changes. I hoping to make it as long as I can. I am not dilated yet which is fantastic because with my daughter I was already dilated 1 - 2 at 32 weeks. But So close to the end I am beginning to freak out a bit. All of a sudden I am afraid the birth like I wont know what to do. I know that if I can get some peace and get into my own space I will be fine. I believe child birth is natural and the last one was the most incredible and enjoyable moments of my life. Just a little fearful that this one will be different somehow. I have not been meditating at all, and I think i need to start. I need to set aside 30 minutes of my days to meditate to pray to prepare my spirit for this.

My mom came by today, to pretty much clean my house while I laid on the couch. I wish I had the energy to help or really do it myself, but I cant seem to get it done. A lot is my focus. I cant seem to think what is the first logical step of cleaning the living room. I end up walking around in circles and sitting on the couch, which has now become a semi regular sleeping place for me. I think I just need my mom near me more than I need anything else. As I laid on the couch and cried (crying out of frustration - I want my body back!) she walks by me and says "would you quit your crying for god's sake" as she flutters through the room and keeps on cleaning. I love my mom, I am so grateful for her.

My baby girl staying with my mom tonight. I miss her! I miss her sweet little face and her rubbing my belly talking to her baby brother, trying to get him to kick her hand. And of course her I am with a burst of energy that drove me out of my bed and in front of my computer.

My thoughts are a little scattered, I feel like my intellectual functioning level might have dropped a few notches these last few weeks. Did I mention I can not wait for feel like myself again....

It became very clear to me the other day that I needed to shave. It is not easy to shave your bikini area ever. But Not being able to see any off it has made it quite difficult. I spent about an hour trying to work that at. The shit is crazy. It is the first time I have seen my pussy in a long time. You know from time to time I have some pics of it, or on a video. It looked different to me. Like swollen. It looks like I have been gang banged maybe. Interesting. Took my bra off today to realize my breast are leaking... which was a fun surprise. Not leaking a lot but enough for me to shake my head and begin to realize this train is moving full steam ahead weather I am ready for it or not!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I said to my obgyn "so I dont have as much feeling during sex as i used to, do you think that is normal"? she says "well yeah its normal, just keep your fingers crossed it comes back". Well Oh my God, did she really she allude to the idea that after the baby my sexual sensation level may not return to its previous state. What the Hell! I assume this is normal. I did not have hardly any sex when I was pregnant before, In fact I think the last time I had sex was at 20 weeks (the half way point) and I could still feel everything. Lets all take a minutes to say a pray that it returns to its normal sensation level.

I have been really feeling exhausted and find myself laying down and napping a lot. It is hard to slow down but I am really so tired I have no choice. Laying on my couch today, I start to think about Jw. So I was thinking about how all of this might have changed had he been the father. I wondered if he would be here helping me, massaging my aching body, loving me, I wondered how it all would have been diffirent. It made me so sad to think about. Im sure there will be something good of me doing all this shit on my own, but right now it just feels lonley. Like there is not another soul in this world I can share this burden with. Christ it is trash day again, I cant even muster the energy to put the trash on the curb. My ex husband will do it for me if he see my daughter that night and he helps me a lot, but still I cant share this burden with him. And this is what a partner is life is about - it is not about monogamy. It is about sharing the triumphs and sharing the hard times, its about knowing there is someone to lean on and someone has your back.

So this has been bothering me, and please Jw, feel free to just text me the response or IM me because I have been trying to catch u online so I can ask you. Do you not want to fuck me? Is it not worth the drive? Is it the pregnancy? I thought we had good sex so why not continue you that? Im just perplexed by it. Now that you know I want you, are you just not interested? I feel like we have been doing the same dance for like 3 months, you say you want something but you dont follow through and I realize if you wanted it you would have it, but why dont you want it? That is the part I am just wondering about, Can you just let me know, I like to deal with the facts and not assumptions. Just say it. I dont know what I need to hear the obvious but I do.

Im out, my daughter and I are ready for bed at 7p, and she is standing next to me asking me how long am I just going to keep typing and typing.... lol.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I had my ultrasound today. My baby weighs about 4lbs and 13 oz and is measuring about 2 and half weeks ahead of schedule. Of course, I knew this by the way my body feels. They are estimating a due date of more like 5-6-12 vs 5-19-12. Either way I am was excited he is doing well and he was not bigger than that. And also I feel a little bit more validated for feeling as tired and big as I do. I also begin my weekly ultrasounds stress tests and dr appointments at this point. Just kind of overwhelms me all at once. I did have to laugh at myself today. I dont love this dr. i have to go to, he is the specialist and I just go there for the more specialized testing, but she explains to me I cant see the screen when she does the measurements, I ask with a very deeming tone "does your other location have more technology?" she asks me to explain... and I did how most offices have flat screens on the wall to allow you to easily view the scan, and they have comfortable beds and pillows, they care about your comfort. So during our conversation i said " This just is so ghetto". She seemed a little put off but this place definatly feels like a place you find in the rough areas of Philly, not in a upper middle-class suburb.

The Jamaican came over last night. That morning I had woken up and was clenching my jaw in my sleep. This what I do when I am stressed or anxious. I did need to break out my magic wand and I shamefully admit I needed to watch YB fucking me to make myself cum. It was not about the fucking, or about him, it was the abuse factor. I needed to feel shamed, I needed to feel like a whore and watching that made me feel that way, and thus my body let go of a little bit of stress. But I was feeling stressed again so I agreed to let him come over. So here it is like 830 im in my pjs,and I meet him at the the door, in my pjs that are barely covering my ass since my belly has gotten so big. He hugs me and we walk to the living. Fucking on the couch. I sit on the couch and he is on his knees in front of me, holding me, rubbing my back, making me feel very good. I would have just prefered for him to rub my body and leave it alone, but alright I will let him fuck me. Pregnant sex just not that fun. I did not even come. Which is crazy considering I come at least 2 or 3 times whenever I fuck even if it is not good. Idk, just aint doing it for me. But like I said, It might be the abuse factor, I really need to feel submissive, and he does not make me feel that way. I really NEED to be Dominated. He loves to feel my belly and listen to the baby, and now you can feel his head and at times his feet. As he rubs my belly, he says "this baby should have been mine" in a very quiet simple statement. I believe that pretty much any other human being that could have inpregnangted me would have been better, but I also think and still believe there is a plan here. Im holding onto that.

I woke up this morning looking for D laying next to me. I had a very surreal dream about him. It was like it all just happened. It was not sexual, but it was us laying in bed talking. And the conversation was about our relationship and our feelings for each other and how we just cant be together. And the dream was a little sad, but nothing overwhelming and ended with me laying my head on his shoulder, with his arm around me and my arm around him falling asleep. I wake my daughter up, and she begins to talk about him as well. It blew my mind. Again I think to myself is she connected to me on some other level? Did we have the same dream? Did we both dream of him last night? Is she missing him? Did he die and was this his spirits form of contacting me? (and yes I do believe in things like that). Whatever it was it was strange and left me a bit stunned.

I feel like I have maybe another 4 weeks for any kind of fucking, if I am lucky. I need to call that guy who like to fuck me pregnant for one last pregnant fuck and maybe someone else will pay me a visit. I do have all intentions of getting some new video to the slut blog, but right now time is low, but soon.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

I have an unnatural energy level tonight. I spent most of my day resting, letting my body rest. So I find myself alone and bored. I did not really want company. I wanted my baby girl here tonight but she is with her Dad, but I was alone and that was ok the Jamaican called me, but I just let it ring. I don't want to settle for just a warm body to keep me company, I want the man I want next to me. I did have a feeling of loneliness and a sense I may never find a partner in my life. I just laid in my bed and looked at the emptiness and thought I really wish I had a partner to do this with. To have this baby with, to share this day with, to have dinner with, to talk with, to touch. This is my daily prayer, Please God bring my partner to me. I know there is someone out there to share my life with, I belong with someone. I should be someones life partner.

So my usual activity when I am bored, I find myself a documentary. And true to form I find one about people struggling. Tonight an older film, I have seen before many years ago, called God Grew Tired of Us, about the boys who fled Sudan during the war and were living in refugees camps for over 10 years, the USA agreed to take some of these boys to assist them in creating a new life in America. Within 2 minutes I am in tears. I often feel like there is so much intense suffering in this world that I get hung up on such stupid things, such as a scratch on the side of my 2 year old SUV. Sounds stupids when you put it in perspective. When I watch these documentaries when I see these people struggle, I feel like my role in this world is to help people, and at times I feel like I do not live up to Gods plan for me as I feel at times I am too scared to do the things that my heart tells me I should. I believe I have not yet found my purpose in this world, and that I will continue to search my soul for my answers, but I know my fear holds me back from so many things.

I also have to admit that the people of this country, are so lost, in my eyes anyway. So many of us have lost all connection with human struggle, we have become so cold to the struggle of others. Not that I dont get it, sometimes I know I must turn my head to the struggles of others because if I acknowledged it I could not survive all the sadness. There is something in my soul that connects with these people that overcome these intense struggles. Frankly this is some of my attraction to immigrants. It speaks volumes of a persons character and personal and spiritual strength to come to a country you do not know and not only survive but thrive. I respect that. And in my heart I know that fear would hold me back and I am not sure that I would be able to do the same if pressed in a bad situation. Again my fear at times I will wither and die.

I wish I could balance my soulful introspection at times with some free fun thinking, just cant do it yet.

Friday, March 16, 2012

I found myself sad this morning in the car. The car is always I place I get too deep in thought, but I felt like I was missing people. Seriously had some strange thoughts about wanting to see people and then it was like why would I miss them or want to see them.... then my ah hah moment. I wanted some abuse. Thats what I wanted. I want someone whispering some fucked up shit in my ear while they fuck me and treat me like a whore. I will have to see if I can get some of that. Some of me worries I might be too emotional for some shit and I will just start crying, but thats okay to.

So I felt really good today. I got the most sleep I have gotten in awhile sleeping in until 5am, I was really feeling good. I was taken my stuff out to the car at work and I put it in the car shut the door and began to walk back in the building to grab something else and fell. Fell right on my stomach, breaking my fall with one had and one knee. I was in shock and quickly moved off my stomach and assessed how I felt. I was ok to get up and went in side to sit down. I did not trip or anything, i just lost my balance. I feel so top heavy. So I have to go to the hospital for an ultra sound and to monitor the baby. Everything is fine. When the doctor see the baby on the ultra sound he says " thats a big baby"... what how big? Ugh I am already afraid of that, I dont want a giant baby again. BTW the unreal total no privacy when you are having a baby is insane. Like seriously do I need no underwear on and my whole body exposed while you look around for the babies heart beat? Its weird. It is like you are no longer a person - you are just a vessel carrying the baby and they do not take your comfort, your dignity, your privacy in to concern. Growth Scan is Monday, they will give me a detailed report of that. So my hand and knee are a little fucked up, but it certainly reminds me that I need to remember I am not myself even if I feel good, I need to slow it down.

This has been one exciting week. Tomorrow my mom is helping me clean up my house and I am laying around doing NOTHING! I think I deserve it.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

I have been up since 2:45a, and that is with taking some Benydrl to help me sleep. I got 5 hours, which is better than the four I got yesterday. My body is throwing in the towel. I 30weeks and 5 days. I need to carry this baby as long as I can, but I can feel my body revolting. The hard core swelling has begun as well as the feeling that his head is ready to pop out. Im not complaining though because I cant say enough, that as hard as this is, is is no where near as bad as it was before. And at least I can get this baby to move away from my cervix by moving my body certain ways. I dont think he is too big yet, next thursday I get my growth scan so we can check his size but he moves too much too be too big, so I am keeping my fingers crossed for a normal size baby this time, that stays in there at least another 6 weeks. I need to circle the day on the calendar and start meditating on it.

I took a dreaded trip to Wamart last night. That is the last shopping trip I do pregnant. It is just really hard to walk around that much and lift shit without feeling like I am going to pee myself or something fun like that. I actually said to my mom " I need help" and asked her to come over on the weekend to help me. Help me do everything.

I said to my friend the other day. I have had one hell of a year. the 2011-2012 year will definatly be one I never forget and I am proud of myself because I am still intact. I did not need any mind altering drugs to get through it, I did not crumble and I did not loose sight of who I am. December 3rd the day I got the results of the DNA back seems so distant and removed to me now. I don't remember many nights worse than that in my life. Even the night my ex and I separated and ended a 15 year relationship did not sting like the phone call from the DNA company. I am now so peaceful with my choice to have my baby and beyond excited for the new life and addition to my family. I feel really blessed to have all the wonderful people in my life that I do. I am so excited to meet my baby boy, for who I have finally chosen a full name I am confident about. It just felt right as soon as I heard it. Sorry cant share it here...

The Jamaican called to say Hello again, I want him to come over, even though sex really is not something I want from him. I would not mind laying my head on his lap while he rubbed my back again. He is a very good hearted person. I wish I knew more people like that. I hope he finds peace in his life.

I guess everyone else is in a holding pattern until the baby comes and locate my energy and control of my body. My friends are helpful when I ask, but it is so hard to ask for help, but I dont have the energy to talk to anyone unless it is important. I just spent the last 30 minutes reading a weeks worth of mail. To which I open a letter my kids new school for next year indicating that she qualifies for "special instruction". I know this is because she stutters at times, and we have been working with the speech teacher for most of the year, and her speech has always been behind. Behind is a bad word, she has always been extremely quiet and happy to swallow her feelings rather make them heard. I dont know how this child came from my body. How does a baby with my DNA not speak up for herself, how does she not make her needs known....this is all she has seen. Or maybe she sees me deeper than most. So I watch her in the pool the other day, this little girl comes to her and says " my name is sara, Im five, lets play". My daughter was delighted, but play for her meant Sara leads. And my daughters happiness stemmed from Sara's. She is who she is and at 5 her personality is pretty concrete, my daughter is a person who wants to please others and gets joy from making others happy. She gave her coveted American Doll catalog to the girl at school she does like, when I asked why she said " well she did not have one of her own and she really loves the american dolls", as a matter of fact with no regard for her own desires. Watching her with her swim teacher, she loves this women. She loved this women from day one, she revels in her attention and talks about how she will miss her so much because she loves her. Teaching her that people will come in and out of your life all the time has been hard. Like her mother she loves them with all she has or she couldn't care less about them- no middle ground on that. I just love her so much.

As I logged onto my computer tonight I see a yahoo message from someone I dont know telling me I am awesome. A blog reader. Sometimes I wonder who is reading and why... am I really just a train wreck and you cant look away, but message like that are wonderful. I love that people read and that I can envoke strong emotions from other from time to time. And it never hurts to log into your computer at 3am and get a message like that. Thank you - my own personal cheering section!





Tuesday, March 13, 2012

So No Regrets!

He called me and I tell him where to park and all that, and Jw calls me. I immedatily assume he has just read my post. He says to me, ask him to go and I will come down. I said "he is parking his car, that is not going to happen" he sounded kind of in a hurry and I know I raised my voice a bit with him. He infuriated me. How are you going to call me and ask to change my plans when you never follow through. Tell him to go so I can sit alone all night and wait for you to show up. Frankly I would never be rude to ever invite some one over, have them drive all the way down here to be like nah forget it, but if he wanted to come over after I was game. So when we got off the phone he said ok" i will be down" and with that I opened the door and met the new young boy I think I might just call R.

He arrived and I was pretty comfortable with him, which was nice. Sometimes it is difficult with someone who is not a Dom because I am forced to go outside of my comfort zone and get things moving. I thought from his pics he was a bit more "street" then what he was. I def think I go him confused with someone else, but a pleasant surprise.

He has a positive energy about him. It was not something I usually come across, but a calming presences with a good vibe to him.

We go upstairs and I need a minute to catch my breath from the walk upstairs, the breathlessness is coming back a bit. I take a minute and then I start the camera. We fuck and that is that. I will post the video even though I just kind of lay there and get fucked.
A few thoughts about it.

Young men fuck different then older men. Somewhere between 32 and 37 I think men begin to change how they fuck. Neither way is preferable over the other but it is different fucking young men for sure.

I forgot how much condoms suck for some good fucking. I also forgot I have to have lube and those fucking condoms ruin all kinds of natural flow. I did not even know where it was to get, so my pussy was and is still a bit raw.

I liked the way he touched me. He seemed to be a natural leader, and there is nothing better then putting your hand somewhere he dont want it and him pushing it away. He seemed much more comfortable than I thought he would be moving me where he needed me and even when I just wanted to lay there and rest, getting right back in there. I was really surprised.

It felt good. I know it had been like almost a month without some dick so I KNOW i needed it and it felt fucking good. He lasted much longer than I thought too... those young boys usually dont last long. It went on longer than I had thought it would.

See meeting new people is not a bad thing. Sometimes I always assume any new person will be a waste of my energy and I never do it.

After we just talk for a few minutes. Easy conversation. I like that. I like not feeling akward and unsure. So it occurs to me Jw said he was coming. Not really knowing if he is coming or not I start to think about the time frame. I know how long it take Jw to get down here, and we fucked way longer than I thought we would, so I started to get a little nervous. Not that Jw would care at all, he would probably love to catch me with this man. And I would not care, but I was not sure about his level of comfortability with that. I mean, I just sprung the website on him, and he just fucked the pregnant single girl, let me not scare him away with the used to be Dom walking into the room. So as I start to think about these things, this car pulls up infront of my house and beeps. I look out the window and I cant tell if this is his car or not. But it does seem odd to me. I can see a man sitting in the front seat, but I dont really think Jw would do that, I think he would park and walk in. Even thought I cant tell who it is, and it was time for R to go. So he gets dressed and heads out. And that was that.

I shower and change my sheets and lay down on my bed with about 15 pillows and go to sleep. I know you will all be shocked but Jw did not show up. It is like he did not want to come anyway he just wanted to see what I would do. My girlfriend does that from time to time, does shit just to see what I would do. I stopped talking to her for awhile because that shit is stupid. She is also schizophrenic. Things that make you go hmmmm. What I think is funny is that I am so open and honest about how and I feel and what I want, and I will tell it all exactly how it is. Why fuck with me? I asked him that yesterday in my breif conversation with him. Dont fuck with me. That is what it is. Just fucking say what you want. You never get what you want if you dont say what you want. I hate that. I feel like he thinks it is all a big game. Dont fucking say shit unless you mean it and if you are unsure of my loyalty or my feelings you ask me or you let my behavior show you your answer. Do me a favor Jw- Stop fucking with my Head! I am sure I am one of the most straightforward women you have ever met. love me or not, fuck me or not, leave me or not... do what you need to but lets not half step anything. You want to fuck me, lets commit to the idea, you say you are going to come down you come down. You dont want to be bothered with me, than dont be bothered with me. You love me - then really love me. You want to talk shit on the phone and jerk off to some photos and videos and play with the idea of owning me fine... just tell me what the fuck is going on. I dont think that is too much to ask. Dont call me and ask me to cancel plans when you are the most unreliable man on this earth.

Stopping myself there becuase I am getting a little pissy. Anyhow, daughters swim lessons tonight and I am fucking beat! I so need a day off to lay in bed. I almost took today off but it feels so wasteful to take a whole day to rest. I will have to see, maybe Thrusday... That is a fucked up day at work anyway...



Monday, March 12, 2012

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Saturday, March 10, 2012

I had a really nice day. Productive and relaxing. I spent the morning alone, cleaning, preparing, washing baby clothes, had lunch, ran errands, pick up contracts for the sale of my old home. Then I head to my parents, hung out with them and my daughter. And finished off the night with pizza and a bon fire. It was really nice to sit around the fire and relax and talk and listen to my daughter tell us all about the details of her Kindergarten days and roast marshmallows. It was just what my spirit needed.

I did forget one thing she said during my reading last night. "Just hold tight, if can just hang in there a few more months everything will start getting better" this was in reference to my love life - or lack thereof. It was like perhaps she sensed my utter exhaustion with the whole thing.

I am getting ready for bed already, even though I feel good I need to spend some time with my feet up and doing nothing.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Just got in from the girls night & tarot card reading. It was nice to be out like and adult. It was a good time. I reading was alright.
Here is a summary.
My life will change in May (my baby)
A legal matter will be in my favor in May (Child Support Maybe)
I need to take classes in order to make more money.
I will have a long enjoyable summer.
I need to let go any negative feelings I have with Jw, start fresh & let the past go. (I thought that was interesting )
She said "I see you have lots of men in your life"...lol
I will meet some new men and I will need to make some choices as to what I want in the next 2 or 3 months.
I will be talking about a long term commitment in a relationship in the summer time.
I will have a long summer, with lots of fun and excitement and I will really enjoy myself.
There is positive news around the sale of a house (picking my contracts up for my old house tomorrow).
D will not be around for 1 or 2 years, that he is happy and working on himself.
YB will be a challenge and after May he will not be around for 5 to 6 years and then he will want to come around again.
My wish was to find a true partner to share my life with - and she said she cant see anything with that. Not sure what that means...
My baby will be healthy and happy and arriving in April. My daughter is healthy with no concerns there.

So all in all a good reading. No bad news but I did not feel particularly connected to her or my reading. It felt like it just was not me.

I am surprised I am still awake as last night. I woke up with the itch. the 3 am I need to fuck now feeling and it was strong. At first I smiled and I was like yes and I imagined a rock hard dick sliding in to my wet pussy. I could almost feel it but as I lay awake for over an hour, I started to feel pissy about it I just want to SLEEP.

Maybe I am not done with sex. I am defiantly feeling better and having less pressure and some less contractions.


Thursday, March 8, 2012

So apparently all the pressure and contractions I have been having has been from a bladder infection that "aggravates the uterus". So much going on down there I cant tell the what I am feeling, just pressure. So I have begun antibiotics and I have noticed some less pressure and less contractions, but I have some very blurry vision for the medication. Good Times.

Today I do not have energy. I woke up and yelled at my kid, and felt bad at the severity of the yelling all day. My baby girl is very sensitive, and raising my voice at all will get my point a cross I never need to yell at her, it really hurts her feelings. So I left for work feeling like the biggest piece of shit mother there is, to be met with some very hostile clients at work. I just feel like I was under attack today at work. I feel like I could have beat the life out of someone.

Blurry eyed and exhausted I pick my kid up and tell her we are going out to eat at the local place I hate because I can not cook anything. I can barely get out of the car to pick her up. So here is a visual for you. I am wearing black yoga pants, and a purple short sleeve shirt, with a v-neck. It used to look nice on me, now it is screaming at the sides and it stretches over my stomach. I would like to be longer but the laundry situation in my house is a little bit out of control, so my choices were way limited. My hair looks rough, like maybe I combed or maybe I did not, or like I got caught in a wind storm. My face is breaking out thanks to the hormones and Im walking kind of weird because the baby's head is pressing on my sciatic nerve.

I used to look nice at one point in my life. I used to wear earrings and dress nice, not be ashamed of my appearance. I am longing for those days again. When I walk in I make eye contact with this black man. He was in his 40s, little gray in his beard. I love that. Eye contact and then I quickly look away. I should have just had something delivered to my house to stay away from this problem. So my daughter loves to sit right next to me, not across but right next to and practically on top of me. So they sit another black man in his 40s who is alone directly across from me. A year ago, I would have had his number by the end of that meal and probably a date for later, tonight I tried not to look up and pretended I did not see him. On the up side it is nice to live in a place where I run into to black men.

The Jamaican calls me and frankly I want him just to come over and sleep with me. I just want to be touched, but his working tonight and was just checking in on me. I am thankful for people like that in my life.

I am also thankful that I am close to the end of this pregnancy. I am still interested in a video of me fucking pregnant, but I must say I am not one of these women who pulls off pregnancy with a glow about them and a smile. I am crying, hormonal, exhausted mess. And as much as I love me some pregnant porn, I just dont know how these women find the energy and time to do it. I actually said at work yesterday, I might be done with sex until after I have the baby. As their jaws all drop and I elaborate it just does not feel like a priority. It saddens me even to say that. Deeply saddens me. When so much of my self is wrapped up in my sexual identify, to have no need or desire or craving for sex is upsetting - to put is mildly. Sometimes I want to fuck just because it will make me feel like a women again, and not just a baby machine, or a just a mom.

Jw gets into my head with his words. Yesterday I said to him I loved him. Past tense, and he responded with "u don't anymore"? To which I stated very confidently something to the affect of no reason loving someone who does not love me. ( I have spent so much of my energy on that for so long) he says"i did not say that".... I say " you did not need to say it- you showed it to me." And for that I felt victorious. Like yes i said what i was feeling. Part of it anyway. It fucks with my head a bit... does he love me I think? Then I have the conversation in my head about all the what ifs, the if only I, the why would he ... if he loved me? I torture myself with just a fleeting thought. I would be lying to myself if I did not admit that sometimes I want to to throw myself at him, but I already where that would get me. Sadder then I am now.

Time for bed at 651. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow and praying for God to hold my body together for just a few more weeks.


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

For some reason I have had some unnatural level of energy these last 2 days. I am up late, waking early, very productive. I have also had some changes in the amount of contractions I have and frequency. I am 30 weeks as of Friday. It is pretty clear to me I will not make it another 10 weeks. I feel like I might be lucky to squeak out another five based on how I am feeling. I go to the doctor tonight, so we will se what she thinks.

So a few things have been on my mind. Mostly the same shit that is always there. Love. I might have gotten, and I say might, to a point where I need to let some people go in my life and that might be ok with me. So what do I mean by let go... I dont really know exactly, it is more of an emotional detachment than anything else, like giving myself permission not to be bothered. A few examples... the spiritual man I was hanging with a little. I like him, he understood me, he understood my spiritual needs and he made me feel like I was not alone. But the fact there was that, friendship does not have me going out of my way to see him or connect with him. And while several times in the last 2 months I had smiled thinking about him, and thought I hope he is doing well, I need to let him go. I need to allow myself to enjoy the time we spent together, take what I can out of that , and keep it moving. Because as nice and interesting as he was, he does not play a role in my life. And thats okay.

I spent some time doing the same with D. Although no where near as simplistic thought process, the concept is there. I lot of this letting go has to do with my daughter. I look at her sweet litte face(that looks exactly like D every night) and I think about what I want her to know, what i want her see from her mother. What kind of role model do I want to be for her? I want her to know that I loved D more than anything for many years. And her very being is a culmination of that love, but when two people are not meant to share their lives, it was not meant to be. That I love him, I would always wish him the best, help him if I could, but I must open my heart for my true partner in life. Now Im not saying that if D were to knock on my door, I would not turn into a sad shadow of myself and fall to his feet (both physically and metaphorically) but I am saying I feel stronger than I ever have about that. That I can let my heart rest a bit and acknowledge that he is not my soulmate. (HMMM I believed that all day, but as I wrote that I read and was like, but wait he is my soulmate! My body believes that. My mind knows better, most of the time.) Like I said I am working on it.

I was looking for some entertainment online tonight. Sometimes I happen to see someone online and something might get started. I have the house to myself tonight so I was open to the right situation. Jw online. I must say I perk up a bit as I see his name highlighted, but I dont IM him, not first. I have talked to him a couple times in the last month, nothing too exciting enough to blog about. I have been working on that too. Letting that go. I was proud of myself tonight, for a few reasons. I did not IM him first. Thats hard not to throw yourself at something you want. Not that I did not respond to him in a half a second. I did not wait around for him online all night, when he said he would be right back. I have learned something about him to understand he has a very different sense of time than I do. VERY DIFFERENT! I was able say how I felt. Sounds stupid but it was nice to just say it. I hold back a lot, because I dont want to upset him. Which is stupid I know because what is too loose... still a desire to please, still a feeling of wanting to fix whatever, still not there yet to just let it all out. But at least I said how I felt at least part of it. It made me sad though, no hard core sobbing just some wet eyes tonight.

Sometimes I wish people could just experience what I feel for a few minutes. If they ever understood how profound my love comes they would not treat so callously.... right? Maybe I just want them to put there hand on my body and feel the pain they cause me. It is my spirit, my very being that is wounded not just my feelings.

I am starting to gain clarity and peace with this child and starting to recognize how his presence might be meant to change me, change my life. Kind of believing oh yes maybe god does really know what he is doing. I have not chosen his middle name. My mom keeps asking me. I hesitate because I am a little hurt still by YB for me a name means a lot! YB chooses not share his name that is a big I dont want you sign that will never go away! Im not sure I am ready to make that statement. but I better get ready. I am sure I will find peace with the name in time.

I have so much more I need to say, but I have to go. It is like my mind is finally working again after some time off and exploding with ideas. I might be back tonight...

Sunday, March 4, 2012

I did manage to pull myself out of the house the day. My daughter and i went to a bunch of stores. So here is the thing, when I am alone and looking like shit, no one looks my way. I blend. I take my daughter out and we get LOTS of attention and they look at her and they look at me. It made me feel a little pathetic today, as in particular there was lots of good looking men out today.

I have almost gained 30lbs now. I am trying to tell myself it is almost over. My body is not coping too well this weekend. I think when this baby has a little growth spurt, I feel like shit for the next few days as my body adjust and stretches to accommodate him.

That was yesterday's post that I never came back to...

Today I feel fabulous. I have so much energy I dont know what to do with it all. I am excited with possibilities, and feeling really fabulous! Ahhhh Good to be me again!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

So girls night turned out to be a surprise "sprinkle", and for all those guys out there - a sprinkle is much like a baby shower, just usually a smaller event with a more celebratory feeling and less about making sure the mom has all the big ticket items. Sprinkles are for women who have children already. Anyway, a very nice, low key surprise, just the way I like it. As we sat there, talking, laughing, eating I looked around and thought about how much I love these women. All sharp tongued, like myself, blunt, family focused, and we all have a sense of treading lightly in the world. I love those women. They are so easy to talk to and supportive. I did not get home to almost midnight. My child and I were exhausted, been a long time since I have be up that late having a good time. I did pay for it this morning as I got up at 7 made breakfast and then had to nap until noon, and I never did make it out of my pjs today. I managed to almost finish my taxes, take out the trash and shower. I say that is a productive day. Going to bed now and hoping for another low key day at home tomorrow. I cant believe the weekend is half over already.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Woke up this morning with some feeling. Feelings like I needed to fuck. I was glad to have that feeling back. REAllY Happy. I was worried a bit. I even needed to break out the magic wand. Makes me feel like me again, even if just for a few minutes.

The girl at work who I talk with about sex and fun stuff, I am starting to see another side of her... Not a nice one. A childish, stomp out of the room crying side if you dont get what you want. That is not even an exaggeration. It is a little bit bizarre to see an adult go from what is seemingly an adult to a overgrown child having a tantrum. I found myself thinking, no wonder your kids father treats you the way he does - your fucking crazy. For a brief moment I began to question my own behavior and the way people treat me. But it is a little bit different. She gets into physical fights with people including her baby's daddy and I just love people too much. I dont think I am that bad off, and sometimes I think to myself at least I dont have those issues.

No crying today! Woo Hoo! Feeling much more like a person.

I am really glad to be off, work was horrible this week, and stressful! Girls Night tonight, and peace and quiet all weekend.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

So someone asked me last night "why do you cry so much"? I had to think for a minute about why the hell I was crying I did not know immediately. So I thought about it. Sometimes I get this overwhelming sadness sometimes. I feel it so deep in my soul, it just feels like my spirit is dying sometimes. I get sad because this is not how I imagined my life, this is not my life. My life does not look like this. I am so alone it is painful at times. I want to share my life with someone I want to belong to someone, I want someone to love and love me like I love them. So sometimes I go about my days, appearing content and happy and then I will be reminded about something I miss, or someone I miss, and I get overcome with sadness and I cry.

It is hard for me to know if this is me because I am sad about a divorce or sad about the end of some relationships, sad because I miss people I love. Or am I sad because I am alone, or maybe I am just sad because I am hormonal and going through so many hormone changes all the time, or maybe it is a bit of depression. Sometimes I cry out of exhaustion or the pain. Practice contractions are no joke for me, and are more painful then labor for me. It is hard to know. I know the last pregnancy I cried like this too, so I cross my fingers and hope that I feel better after I have the baby. I think I will, I hope. My friend at work says to me today " I miss the not pregnant you"...."me too" I reply with a heavy heart.

My body been hurting so bad today, contractions, baby kicking my ribs, and hitting my siatic nerve. I feel a little nervous tonight. I keep waiting for something to happen, it just feels diffirent. I called my mom to make sure she keeps her phone on, and I even called the Jamican to see if he can spend the night with me, but I guess he is working. I dont want to be alone tonight. I dont want sex but I dont want to be alone. Im a little bit afraid. And that makes me cry too.

So I had made some plans to have L visit me tomorrow. I have not seen him in a long time, I was looking forward to seeing him. I was nervous about how that would be since sex now is different. He sent me a text telling me what to do, what to have ready and I was pissed off. Like dont tell me what to do. And I just dont roll like that right now. I felt like he thought he was going to walk in here, fuck me real quick and leave. Nevermind. Now it is not that I dont want to have fun, and that I dont want to see him, but seriously I feel like I might just need a friend right now more than a fuck. Like the Jamaican comes over and nurtures me offers to help me, talks to me. I dont what I expected, or even wanted from him, but I was close to offended by the text, and then he said something the effect of I am not going to fight with you for pussy it is not worth it... What else do you say to that? That is why I cry, because I feel like that the people that care about me, and I do feel like people to really love me, but then they loose interest or loose compassion. Either way I always end up feeling very alone.

It has been a very difficult 2 days, I am hoping tomorrow will bring peace and some respite for my aching body.

I cant wait to be myself again. I asked my mom tonight " when I had my daughter, was I still crying all the time after i had her for a few weeks" she says "No, you were more like a Bitch on a mission". LOL I so want off this emotional roller coaster!