It's official now. Sex is over, masturbation is over. Sometimes orgasm can trigger contractions. As so come the long wait to have the baby and recover before I can have sex again. As my doctor is doing the internal exam, he asks me if I had sex in the last 24 hours...to which I am like yeah right. Which then sparks a conversation between him I and the nurse about sex pregnant. I know everyone needs sex, but I will tell you I dont need to discuss that casually with your hand in my body.
This morning I get a call from my exhusband. He has to put our dog down. I love my dog. We had her since we got together in 1998. She was old and frankly she had been on death watch for the last 2 years. But this morning it became clear she was suffering and in pain. And with that another ending.
Every horoscope and tarot card reading i have had in the last year talk about a time of "total transformation" and "absolute endings"- they could not be more right. This has been the exact way I would describe the last year of my life. I hope the universe sees that my life has been through the total transformation, and that nothing else needs to change and I can start just sitting still and letting myself adjust.
Spending the day with my parents :) They comfort me more than I can imagine they ever would. I still just really want my mom to be by my side all the time. They are coming to take my daughter to an Easter Egg Hunt and still help me with shit in my house. So for the last few weeks I have known that my mom will be in my bedroom, that she needed to help me with rearranging some shit and all that, and I needed to take the straps that stay under my mattress incase i need to be tied down and put them away. As they stick out at times, and I do not want to explain what they are. So in a moment in disgust I take away my bondage straps and tuck away in my closet.
My Mom needed my old cell phone, so I am getting it ready for her, deleting all the porn, all the old messages, etc. I last used this phone last March. What a difference a year makes. First thing I noticed all the calls from D. Lots of calls to and from. Then I was having more contact with Jw than I remember. I did not remember really ever talking to him, but clearly I was. I was having some kind of ongoing conversation with someone whose name I never put in my phone. Many messages from YB and then the messages between my ex husband and I. It was sad to read those, and it brought back so many memories of frustration and unhappiness. My life is so diffirent today than it was a year ago. I delete it all with a deep breath and a silent reminder that this is my journey in life. I should embrace all these changes, at least this way I know I am learning in life.
And in true form my day is not complete with out a good cry. Today the unreal frustration I feel from the physical limitations I have. I still have not even finished the shit in my house I want to do. I want to install a reverse osmosis system in my basement so I don't have to buy bottle water, and it is there in my basement and I am confident I can do it, or at least 90% of it, but I just cant get my ass under my kitchen sink to do the drilling and pluming that is needed underthere. I want my ceiling fans hung up in my house. I would have done it already, but I cant stand on a ladder, my balance is so off, and I need someone to hold that shit for me so I can do it. These are times I wish I had my life partner and my mother fucking body back so i can take care of myself!
Having lunch with my mom, there is this man who is disgusting to me, eating next to us. He is rude and loud, poor eating habits, and I said to my mom. There are defiantly times I prefer the single life. (There are many times I have felt embarrassed in public by a man. Many Many Times, and will say most of them came when I was with D - he is a little too much in public) There is nobody embarrassing me, nobody questioning what I am doing, no guilt trips. I must say I am not hating it right now. If I could just work in the morning sex, the naked cuddling, someone to go out to dinner and have an adult conversation with and help around the house, I would be set! I dont think that is a bad set up...