My baby boy arrived this morning. 8lbs 8oz. We are both doing very well and hope to go Home Monday morning. Life is good :) !!

Just to clarify, no baby yet. He keeps dropping lower and lower and I swear I feel I could touch his head if I tried. No contractions since the other day, not a single one. Oh yes God, I picked up your message loud and clear - I can not control this and I surrender! At this point I am just going to assume I will be pregnant for another 20 days and if he comes before that then so be it.

Dr appointment again today. This doctor told me she wont induce me until 39.5 weeks, wtf. The other doctor in the practice promised me 38 weeks! This one said they will do another growth scan if he is too big they will do a c-section. Falling a part a bit with that. I have my appointment with the good doctor from last week on May 1st, I will be talking to him about that. I do not want a c-section and I dont want my ass ripped apart by a giant baby. I am starting to panic, as I bounce up on and down on this exercise ball trying to encourage the baby to move down. She tells me this is how boys are - stubborn from the beginning. That really does not make me feel better at all. oh yeah in 2 weeks I gained 13lb.... fucking fantastic!

So the Jamaican coming over, not sure why. Just to be nice I think. I am sure I will end up crying most of the night, and I rented a sad movie too...

No I have not had this baby yet. I am 36 weeks and 2 days. My large child will be induced from my body in about 12 days if he does not arrive on his own. I was kind of hoping my doctor would induce at 37 weeks based on his size and I do not want my entire body ripped apart. I saw my friend whose baby broke her tail bone during her delivery over the weekend, not the story I wanted to hear right before I deliver. Scares the hell out of you. The doctor tells me that is just too soon and in particular with the larger babies they do not respond well to be induced early. I am timing my contractions as I write this, fruitless I know they will peter out soon. I saw his face again looking at us on the ultrasound this morning. It leaves me speechless. I cant wrap my head around it all still, and perhaps this is why he waits.

So my body still got all the signs and the contractions are unrelenting. Hours of rhythmic contracting to just  fade out of sight, leaving me exhausted and feeling defeated. I have come to the realization this will not be an easy labor like my first.  I almost got desperate enough to call someone to fuck me, but I would need to semen to encourage changes in the cervix, and Jw not giving it up and the only other person I would consider is my old Dom and frankly it all seems a little more effort. Fuck it I will keep waiting, trusting my body, assuming it knows what it is doing. However, I can only say that now because I am peaceful and content, otherwise, I am a mess.

I went to lunch with my daughter the other day. As I sit there I watch a family across from me. One child, a married couple and her mother. The man looked tired and cranky and he sat alone waiting for this family. They arrived and the tension was visible. None of them wanted to be there together. She said something to him and he said "because I work all week, thats why" and with that the tension grew. I felt sad for the whole family. And yet I recognized those feelings. I remember as a child this type of family interaction, my parents not wanting to be with each other, or near each other and no one had enough time to themselves or space or freedom to be who they wanted to be and everyone resented everyone else. I know raising children is HARD and being parents and full time employees is hard. I remember in my own marriage, the weekend outings that no one wanted to do together but we felt obligated to "be a family" to spend time with each other, to sit through the loud lunches at the local chain restaurant to be followed by a trip to the mall, maybe Target, and food shopping. It was horrible. I spend al week just going through the motions of life, looking forward to the weekend and end up spending the weekend trying to figure out how to be a family and make this work with someone I just dont like. And yes the experience of this one family has sparked this self discovery. The thought of marriage  is not as crazy when you carve out what you want out. I need to strip down the very idea of marriage and relationships and think about what parts I like about them and what I dont. I try to envision what it would be like to be in a real open relationship, sharing a man I loved on a regular basis. i feel like it would be good. How could it not be fantastic... your man's ego being stroked and feeling free and coming home to you in your bed and loving you (and fucking you like a whore) and me being able to fuck whomever catches my eye with no guilt and no shame, and feelings fulfilled at home that I dont end up giving my soul to some son of a bitch that does not give a shit about me. Then I think about kids and family time. Wouldn't it be nice to have family time and want to participate in it. I am starting to see that what I am describing her may not exist, but I am looking forward to it. I would prefer family time that was a pleasure and maybe only happened 2x a month that 4 or 6x a month and everyone wanting to kill themselves by the end of it. Just rambling about the possibilities of what a relationship can be once you let go of all the societal pressure to fit into a traditional mold of monogamy and perpetual togetherness. Or maybe I never loved anyone enough to want to spend every waking moment with them. I just dont think traditional marriage works - I have fucked way too many of your husbands with out your knowledge for me to believe that. Seems like trust and love should be the basis not managing your normal body functions. The need for sex is instinctual.

I thought I had more to say this evening. I am really peaceful tonight, my mom came over and cleaned my house, had dinner waiting for me in my fridge and gave my spirit the boost it needed. Thats love! I have been just relaxing this evening while I enjoy the contentment of doing nothing and feeling loved.
I am going to bed with this peacefulness and fulfilled spirit, I am going to take some time to thank God for my parents and hold my baby girl and get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be the day... I will keep you posted.

Crying, crying crying. I spent a good long time laying in bed crying as I re read some of my more recent posts. I have defiantly began to leave some stuff out just because I feel like I need to create just a little bit more ammonimity with the way I feel about people. I never want someone to know everything with out even trying. And my feelings are just so intense at times, it feels like maybe I  am just caught up in other things, but as I read my posts, I feel such intense loss and sadness for the people who are not in my life, which would be everyone I ever loved, and so much humiliation for my poor choices. I think the shame and humiliation damaged my spirit just a bit. Maybe I just deserve to be alone, maybe that is my punishment??  So I cry all night in bed about all of it. I wake up feeling like I have been up and drug through the woods, praying my silent prayer, please be born today. Please! I cry on the way to work as I try to muster up the energy to do my job. I do, and I do a good job at it too. I been giving a 110% just because it helps me distract my thoughts about what is going on. I spend some time talking to our dr. at work, she is down to earth and very easy to talk to. We were talking about the baby and the babys father and Jw, and all of it. We spent about 30 minutes talking and I forget what she said, but I got all choked up and started to cry and needed to suck it back. She reassures me this is all from the hormones,  but it is not. I am truly humiliated at times. Not that I don't love this child or that I would ever be ashamed of my child, but my choices continue to bother me. I vividly remember the moment he climbed on top of me and I asked him for the condom, I reached down to be reassured it was on, I remember the struggle in my head about how fucking good it felt, how I was dam near paralyzed from the physical pleasure and tortured mentally the entire time. I knew it was so wrong, it was not what I wanted to do, but I just could not control the impulse to stop it. Life Lesson here - I need to work on impulse control!

I break down on the phone with my mom, who I asked to come over and just "take care of me", but she had a late appointment and could not come tonight. I just really need someone to take care of me tonight. The Jamaican maybe sensing this desire had planned on coming over to do just that, but like always nothing is as easy as it seems. I spend about an hour taking care of a bill and fighting the good fight with them before I try to figure out what to eat for dinner, that I dont want, but realizing if i dont eat I will wake up starving. As my mom uses her voice to try to soothe me and let me say what I need to. I am falling a part here. I really am. 

I realize my thoughts are scattered and maybe make no sense, but the point of all of this, is I am at the end of my rope, and I am praying for just a little more strentgh to get me through, and I am grateful beyond words for the people that hold me up through this. That is one of those things I wish I could tell people, but at least if I say it hear, it will be heard through the universe. 

I will take prayers for strength at this time:)  

Feeling a little better already. Oh I love the power of this thing. 

I woke up about every 30 minutes last night. Leg Cramps, leg and feet swelling - it sux! I was exhausted this morning as i got in a back of epsom salts trying to ease some of my pain. I got my self dressed and was quite taken back by the size of my stomach. So I thought I would share the photos of that. The look on my own face is shock. I cant believe the size of my belly. Im still waiting, not very patient anymore. I am waving the white flag. I am so done.

This baby weighing in at 7lb and 9oz right now, and measuring about 38 weeks, as per my growth scan today. The doctor talked to me about induction if "god forbid" I am still pregnant in a few weeks. Shit a few weeks - I am thinking if god forbid I am still preg at 37 weeks we need to get this moving- he will be too big. A friend of mine had a big baby and he broke one of her bones in that area, pelvic, tailbone one them. She is still a year and half later going to physical therapy for that shit. I am really only 35 weeks, but of course being so big it feels a bit different. For the first time I was able to see the babies face on the ultrasound screen. That was startling to me. It is surreal and really reaffirms that there is a person living in my body. That really still freaks me out to think about it. It is just amazing!

I guess it has been a few days since I have made my way back to my blog. I have been very distracted and unable to formulate and thoughts worth repeating. My daughter has been very emotional. It is something like a 5 year old version of PMS. Her molars are coming in, she fell scrapped up both knees and elbows, and is trying to understand the death of our dog, and why I am not married again. And why did her dad and I not want to be married anymore. It has been occupying lots of my free thinking time. Sometimes I just don't know what to say when she interrogates about marriage. And frankly I don't know my own thoughts about about marriage right now, I hesitate to say anything too concrete to a 5 year old. She was at her dads last night and called me wanting to come home, I was happy to accommodate, I so prefer with me.

The other thing occupying my thoughts is of course the impending birth of this baby. My body is doing everything it needs to in order to prepare for birth. I will just keep all the details of that to myself, but my body is telling me any moment, and I continue to get into these cycles contracting regularly for hours, every 8 minutes then every 6 minutes, every 5 minutes and then they stop. And that is it. And I just go about my life and wait for more to happen. This was kinda the same way it happened last time, maybe it is Gods way of teaching and reminding me I am not in control of this process and I need to submit to his will, my bodies will, this child's will.

The Jamaican called me yesterday morning. And when I ignored his phone call he kept calling me. I have not taken any of his calls or returning texts, not that I am mad at him or anything, just don't feel like it, any of it. But we talked awhile on the phone after I gave up an answered the phone with a shitty attitude. I was glad I finally did talk to him, it made me feel good, I know he really cares about me, it was something I needed to feel. I really appreciated him persisting. So I also had plans to go out with the girl from work. I was one the fence of wether or not I felt like going but I did go. Despite not being able to wear anything I like and my swollen feet only fitting into one pair of flips I own, I went and spent a few hours laughing with them. It felt good to get out of the house and be around people I like. I need so much encouragement to get out of my rut, I just kinda of feel like i will resume living again after I have the baby.

While I was out with the girls, we went I could not help but see tons of fabulous beautiful black men all around me. So in particular this girl in my line of sight intrigues me. I see her man come in first and i think to myself, he looks good to me, I like the way he presents himself. Then she arrives a few minutes later. I hate to say anything bad about another women, but she was fucking Ugly! Like really fucking ugly. So I say to the girls what the fuck? Me and the girl who is a freak at work are way better looking, and have other skills ;) and yet a man in our life escapes us. What the fuck.

With that I get some gossip about someone I know has 4 kids with her husband and he got another girl pregnant and she had a baby 2 week before she did and they now have custody of the baby. They are together still. You have to forgive so much it seems to be in a committed relationship. Forgive So Much or at least that is how it feels. Life kinda feels like you have to forgive so much of other people, and people of course need to forgive so much of me. I feel like at one point in my life everything was very black or white. It was right or it was wrong, but I am starting to believe that there is so much more gray in the world than I was willing to admit. Many things I at one point felt like were very wrong just seem to be a by product of everyone in this world trying to do the best they can.

Still no sex for me, I know I said I wanted to but I dont think I want to do it anymore, I feel like it might hurt. I have, however, spent some time with my long forgotten magic wand. I do think that has been making me feel a little less on edge. I still cant wait to have sex again. I need a man to touch me so bad. Not just fuck me, touch me. I need to be touched and fucked too. Like hard core sweating screaming fucking.

Its about 1:00, I had been having regular contractions since about 8am... and they have stopped now. Nothing!!!! Oh it is so frustrating. I know this baby will come out whenever it wants I am just along for the ride, but for the love of god I wish it would stop all together or progress. Tomorrow a growth scan to see how big this boy is, at this point with my daughter she was 8lbs and 15 oz, so I am a little on edge to find out, as boys tend to be bigger then girls. And dr appts 2x a weeks from now on.

I am having a nap and heading to my moms for the rest of the day.

Standing in my kitchen peeling carrots, my daughter upstairs playing, I have some quiet moments and what pass through my head.... a rape scene of course. Not into brutality but more like dominance, forced submission at times, some humiliation. So when I am in my quiet moments of my day this is where my mind goes. I am sure a therapist would think this is very abnormal, but it made me happy.

At work talking to my girl about men. I cant say enough how much I appreciate her at times. It is very nice to have a women who is not ashamed to admit or talk about putting a dog collar on her man and walking him around her bedroom. I love this girl! We are not afraid or ashamed of the things we do. It is nice to be able to talk about that shit with a women. Most women I know are so judgemental, and you know better than to say certin things to them.

I feel good today. No contractions and relativly light on my feet. It was a nice day. I even made dinner and cupcakes with my daughter. I like feeling human again. I am trying hard to remain patient and trust my body and God to do what they are going to do.

I was wishing I was married today. I like being someones wife. I believe I was a fabulous wife, and those of you who know me well may disagree, but I devoted myself to my marriage and gave up many things. I focused on his happiness for MANY MANY years, until it was clear there was no point. I should have left then but i didnt. But I reveled in some of the more mundane parts of marriage. I liked taking care of a man. Doing laundry, packing lunches, cooking, planning really great gifts. In the begining of our relationship I spent over a year tracking down his highschool year books (as all of his belongings were destroyed by his ex) from several states aways and from his school that had a graduating class of 20, long before the internet was popular like it it is. I was happy to make him happy, I would have done anything for him - evidently that still is not enough. But I miss that. He was my king for a few years anyway. Then D was. I found the same satisfaction in cooking for him when he came over, or helping him, doing anything he needed of me. I do notice I was not as giving with him. The ex scarred me a bit with that. You give so much of yourself for so long to someone and they never seem to get that it is an expression of love. I remember Jw telling me a story that stays with me, about someone he was dating creating this special date, for his birthday I think. The impression I got from him that is was something he really loved and appreciated the gift. Even as he told me the story, I could only focus on myself and think I cant do that. I cant give anyone anything anymore. And I dont. It upsets me because I never trust my insticnts anymore, sometimes i feel like people just dont want to be bothered with me, why would they want a gift from me, or why would you want me to cook for you, any of it. I have all these amazing feelings of wanting to make people happy and cared for but I dont.

So maybe there are more lasting affects of the 11 year sexless and toxic marriage than i was willing to admit.

Wellno change in my my cervix so for now, no baby today. Dr. thinks maybe I am a little dehydrated blah blah. So here is the good news, I wont have the baby too early to worry too much about some of the pre-term baby issues. So I do feel like I can take a deep breath and relax a bit, in between these freaking contractions. Im having sex soon, I am doing it, in a week or so, if I still have not had the baby.

I am feeling really alone today. Not totally a bad thing. Just an absolute sense of being on my own in this adventure. Not sad about it just accepting of it, and moving on.

I have spent most of my day online looking at the accuracy of non invasive paternity tests. I am clung onto the last string of hope that perhaps will get me through this. I have trouble accepting YB is really the father - I just don't know how that can be. Having said that how cheated I would feel if he was not and I missed out on all the months of being pregnant and wanting a partner and not having one. And how cheated the other men might feel and even YB would feel. Was the Dna test the right choice?

I see Jw online today while killing time, I want to say Hello, but I dont. I would assume if he wanted to talk to me he would. There is not really anything to say I guess. Still sad about that one. I fucked up so bad on this one. So fucking Bad!

I have dwindled down my friends to zero, I am not talking to anyone at all, and maybe return every 10th text. I dont talk to any men at all, not even the Jamaican. My level of irritation with everyone is pretty high. I just talk to my mom and sister. Oddly enough my Dad is very interested in my pregnancy, we have come a long way since him being unable to look at me.

ugh I am so bored!

Been having contractions for 3 damm days. Since Sunday afternoon. Several hours of them, then they stop and nothing. I am home right now, waiting for my doctor to call me. I just cant go on like this. I am fucking exhausted. I just feel like I need my body to choose - labor now or not. I need a minute to break out the magic wand yesterday. I just could not take it. My body was so stressed and so tense and it has been so long. I really need someone to touch me but I settled for my magic wand instead. The instantly I turned it on and pressed it right on my clit, my body began to shake in one of those glorious whole body orgasms I live for. I allowed myself two, then I had to put it away. The whole process lasted about 2 minutes, but well worth it. I figured it would be fine since I was contracting already what would be the harm. I needed that.

This morning I got in the shower trying to ease my pain with the hot water, leaning up against the side of the shower, day dreaming about a tall black man naked behind me massaging my body. I am sad at times I dont have someone to lean on during this process, although most of it I prefer to do on my own. Something about being in pain makes me want to be alone and work through it.

The ex husband is working my last nerve. I feel like I am finally getting to a point where I can get into some of the anger I have with him. AND THERE IS SO MUCH ANGER! And I am angry with myself. Beyond angry with myself. Maybe I can begin to heal a bit. This has been an unreal year of my life. As my mother says "you been fucked up for a solid year now, it will be nice to have some peace". She is right it has been a solid year I have been fucked up! I don't even know who I am anymore. All I know is everyone I loved walked away and I was not prepared for any of it.

Ugh the doctor said she can see me at 12n, or I can go to the hospital. I wish there were better choices here. The humiliation of the hospital visit is not fun, the being unsure of what your body is doing is not fun either. I feel like it makes me look stupid, particularly because I believe that my body knows how to do this, but frankly when your body starts doing things you have no control of it is a bit scary.

I am hoping this process ends in the birth of my healthy son soon. I hate to make predictions because this is not up to me, but good lord by the way my body is behaving it has got to be soon.

I did have a fleeting thought about the birth certificate for the baby, and how I dont want to put YB name on it. I am still praying that the DNA test is WRONG. Praying visualizing hoping! Not sure what to do.

I had several days with no contractions, which is nice to give my body a break. And YAH I made it to 34 weeks. So at this point if I begin contracting regularly again, they will not stop it. I spent some times running errands talked to my neighbors who were outside. Now I do think it is weird that no one has said not one word to me about being pregnant. That is unusual for someone not to say when are you due? The one neighbor I saw at the GYN and she overheard me talking about the sex of the baby early in my pregnancy, so she knows I am pregnant. Not to mentions I dont think you could confuse my belly with just weight gain. Then there is a shame factor. Maybe they don't ask, because they know I am alone, or they don't ask because they probably see there is more than one man stopping by from time to time. Maybe they are uncomfortable, but it made me a little upset today. I think a lot about the DNA test, and I still pray that it is wrong. I think about how much better everything would be if it were Jw's baby, or even the Jamaicans and I pray to God this DNA test is horribly wrong. I would not feel ashamed. I would know my baby would be loved by his father. I would have a little more peace in my heart about this.

And the fears about delivery kick in. All normals thoughts for a women getting ready to give birth, but I also feel like I don't want the nurses to ask me about the baby s father, I don't want to be brought to tears and reduced to just a whore who got knocked up by some asshole. I feel so ashamed. Even in the presence of my family I feel ashamed, in public I feel ashamed, I just wish things were different. And with everything I have, with every cell in my body I pray and hope this dna test is wrong.

Just feeling really alone today. Sad about so many things. I feel so dependent on my parents too. I have not needed them as much as I do now ever in my life. I feel like I appear weak - and weak is not something I am, or I am ok with being. My mom and I went out yesterday to get some things and I was crying on the phone before she came over because i fucked something up and created more work for everyone, and when she gets he she jokes with me " God i wish you would find a husband already" indicating I am running her into the ground with this pregnancy.

Even after the baby comes and I return to some state of normal there is a sense of dependence on them still. They are my entire support system, I don't depend on anyone else. Feels very lonely when you think about it.

33 weeks and 5 days and I am growing so fast. Contractions every single day, they will last 2 or 3 sometimes 4 hours then just stop abruptly as they start. I had to have a 3 hour glucose test to rule out gestational diabetes, as the doctor was convinced I must have it based on the size my daughter was at 35 weeks and the size the baby was during the last scan. But I passed my test, I have very low sugar levels... everything looks great. I just grow some big kids apparently. I feel a little more relaxed know that for sure, my stomach has gotten so huge I have gotten very worried about it. They doctor said she feels like no sooner then April 16, I say I will be lucky to get through another week. I have the distcint pregnant waddle as his head is so low and it is starting to feel like he just might fall out. I am so ready to get this moving along.

I have wanted to have sex so badly the last week. Really really bad. The urge is so there, I dont know how it would feel but If no baby by 36 weeks, I am doing it. The only reason I cant now is because I dont want anything to get labor started, but by 36 weeks everything will be good. Dont know how I will have sex, I guess from the back is about the only position that would work.

My breasts are leaking now, probably a sign labor is on the horizon, that was fun as I was getting changed to go to the pool and take my bra off and little drops of milk drip from my nipples and roll down my belly. I just shake my head. Oh the joys of giving birth. You have such little control over thing, if any at all. Ok No control. It is like a daily 9 month reminder that your body does not belong to you at all!

So that is about it. I am going no where doing nothing, seeing no one. Im just on the baby wait.

I had to take my daughter to my moms today, which was near my old house. I felt a little sad and nostalgic of living out there. It has some positive things about it, but I dont feel like it is who I am. But I do miss my John Deere Lawn Mower and my 2 acres of grass to mow really bad! I love that machine.

It made me feel a little lonely out on the drive, I wish I could share things with another person. It would be so nice to eat dinner tonight with another adult and just talk. My conversation with the kid was pretty much fucking mind numbing, it is hard to have a family dinner every night with half a family. I know I should not feel that way, but sometimes I do. I feel a little broken like I might never find peace within a relationship.

Here is one more thing that is getting under my skin and then I am going to go. I value relationships I have, be it with men, with women, sexual or not sexual. I am not able to be a sexual being at this point, not at all, so I dont want text about sex, I dont want to hear about sex anything. I cant have sex so if our relationship is of the booty call nature we dont need to talk. If it something a little more than that a simple I am thinking of you will do it for me. That will give me a boost and let me know you might care about me as a human being. Everything else just makes me feel like a whore - and that is fine I guess if that is what our relationship is but sometimes I think I like to pretend someone might give a fuck about just who I am.

And to end with a note of positivity - it is Easter Weekend (my favorite holiday) and the Ten Commandments (one of my favorite movies) will be on. :) And I have NOTHING I have to do! Nice.

There is certain music I have not listened to for a long time because it made me sad, miss D or miss someone else. But this morning I had to listen. I had to do it. There is this CD I think D's brother complied of some nice fast paced island sounds. I had to give that a listen this morning as I am sitting in my car feeling the vibration of the the sounds, I find myself needing to fuck! I want to fuck so bad. For some reason, after being up for 3 hours in the middle with consistant contractions, I wake up wanting dick. Not only do I want it, I have some crazy energy and dare I say I have a little bounce in my step. For a few minutes I contemplate acting on this feelings, I think about who I could call, but I know it is just not safe, and masturbation really is not either. Any kind of orgasm may jump start my contractions. They need no help, and for another 4 days they will attempt to stop them, so I am just breathing deep trying to work through this feelings.

I pull up at my house to find my daughter her with my ex playing wii. He is not consistant with some of the parenting that needs to happen. This is the second time this week I had to give him a whats up. He makes me want to vomit! Just looking at him. He actually called me this morning to tell me about a refund we can get from the mortgage company about $3000, and told me about so I could "take care of that" and he thinks I am going to do that too and give him half. This mother fucking idiot must have forgotten what bitch I can be when I need to be. And at this point I have hit hard core bitch mode with him. So lets sum this up, you walk about from our home, you do not even take all your shit, you leave it for me, leave preparing the house to be sold to me, leave me with the electric bill, leave me with all the landscaping, heavy lifting, trash removal, filing all the papers, collecting all the documents, and now you want me to file some type of form so you can get some extra money... oh bitch please! He made me fucking angry today. He is like "apparently you just have a problem with everything I do" - well I do, he could not do shit right for me if he tried. I am so glad I am not retarded to this fucking retard anymore. And might I add, I want a partner to share my life with more than anything, but what I wont ever do again is settle for a half a fucking man. I would rather do all this shit on my own.

Whew I am PISSED. Im sure someone else can identify with the feeling of just wanting to knock the hell out of your ex when you see them. Even his damm smell is making me sick! Not that he smells just his very scent. Ugh. Some of that could be pregnancy related, nonetheless, still sickening.

I made it through another day. :) No contractions today. I feel really good about that. It gives my body rest and lets me breath a little easier. I spent some time talking and texting in the last few days. I dont really feel like talking to anyone but sometimes I know I should push myself a little. And now that sex is not really comfortable and not really safe, wouldn't you know the dick offers pour in. Now let me be ready fuck, with nothing but free time on my hand and I will not have a single soul available, but wait as soon as I cant fuck her come the calls and texts. Seems to me like maybe I might be sending the wrong signals out to the universe.

I talk to the spiritual man again, he brings me a lot of peace. He says to me to let him know when I am getting ready to bring life into the world and he will send me a healing. This is what I what in my life, healing. There is something powerful about him, not in the physical or the mental but his spirit. It is powerful and it brings so much comfort.

I did take some time to watch the clip of Jw and I fucking from the other day. I had not watched it all prior to uploading it and I was just a little shocked by the crib in the back shot. It made me laugh and then made me shake my head a bit. The distance between him and I was clear to me. I remember talking to someone who reads the blog and how they noticed how I purposefully touch him, how be it my lips brush his body, my hands that I make love to him. I was defiantly a little sad I saw none of that this time. I could not physically get close, and he could not either, not sure if he wanted to but he couldn't if he tried. Makes me wonder about how God made us. Seems so cruel to me that the time a women needs to be emotionally connected, to feel in tune with her lover the most, there is a physical barrier. I dont know what God solution could have been to this, but I wonder. Perhaps this giant bump that separates the two help both to accept that their relationship will change and there will always be the baby between them. I dont know - these are just things that go through my head. The physical barrier has been the forefront of my mind today, trying to do that dishing and not being able to reach the soap with out turning to the side to get it.

Going to braid my daughters hair, and go to bed. Going to keep praying for no more contraction this week and mental and physical strength to go on.