Divine Intervention? Perhaps just luck? I prayed to God for so long with all of my spirit that this child would have a father that would love him, that I would be able to share this childs life with someone, that I would not do this alone. While JF and I are both floored that this has happened we are muddling are way through and figuring out things. He wanted to come to the babys dr. appt Friday, and so begins this weird relationship with a virtual stranger. It bizarre but i could not be me more at peace with the entire process. And I start to realize - perhaps God is listening to me.

I must say this one more time. I got pregnant by a 40 year old man who wore I condom the one time we had sex. There is no doubt about this  - it was my destiny!

I was cleaning my car out today and found a piece of paper from when I had my tarot cards read. I write down what is important. She said to me that something will happen in the month of May and you will quickly see who your friends are, who you need to keep in your life and who you need to get rid of.
How accurate. She also said my child would be colicky and he is.

Finally some happiness and peace breathe some life back into my spirit.

2 nights in a row my baby boy has slept. 2 inches from me but he and I have slept and I must say two half night of sleep later I dont feel as crazy emotional as I have. It is 11am and I have not cried yet. This is progress. I am painfully aware that I am not meeting my basic needs - Like food and sleep. I have been in the kitchen making something to have in the fridge. I tend to just wonder around hungry and decided nothing sounds good to me and then I eat nothing. Eating nothing is not helping with my weight loss either. It has been at a stand still since the quick 30lb drop. I feel motivated to do a little better here.

I found myself crying in my prayer to God last night that this Dna test comes back that he the father. I need to know and I need to stop obsessing. I also am scared that it would be that piece of shit asshole who I am sorry I ever fucked. Next Monday they say the results will be ready... so probably next Tuesday.  Holiday weekend really fucked that shit up too.. I extra 3 days of wondering.

I am starting to think I may not know who the hell i am and what the hell I want. I feel more lost than ever in terms of self confidence and self awareness and self actualization. I am just meeting my basic needs, at least enough to keep me alive no room for anything else.  i feel like i am going to get back to it soon.

Today I have begun to purge a bit of the stuff the clutters my life. 5 boxes of crap out the door already. When i moved I was too emotionally irrational to throw away or give away things that I did not need. It is a cathartic process to let it go now. I have most defiantly lost my way in life.

Only cried once today. Another low moment while holding my baby looking at him trying to figure out where he came from. And as the first tear fell down my cheek, my phone rings, it was the Jamaican. Thank God for good friends.

And as I typed this, my email chimed and I click over to see the results of my paternity test. And the guy last tested JF, the nice guy, the spiritualist, is the father. Or at least he has been nice... we will see. He is also someone I had sex with one time during that time period and we used a condom the entire time. USED A CONDOM the ENTIRE TIME! So having said that I thought to myself maybe he did this on purpose... but I remember talking to him when I found out I was pregnant and he talked to me about abortion. Seems like if he wanted to compromise the condom it would be to get me pregnant or other wise he would just want it raw right? There would be no benefit to intentionally doing something to a condom to get my pregnant just to get an abortion. I mean really God, what kind of luck is this? I cant get pregnant when i want to but I try not to and I get pregnant. Insane!

I had a good cry to relieve stress, called my mom, and texted JF. I forwarded him the test results. He said "let me text you later ok". I am so interested in how this will play out.

And so I need to tell YB. But seriously I feel like he is going to be an asshole to me so i am procrastinating.

Whew, i feel like I can breathe again. And I defiantly know that father wise it could have been so worse!

I really feel lighter and happier.....OmG the stress of that was really weighing me down. I still think it is insane but I feel more sure that this had to be God's intent at work.

Let's get back to the business. Sex!  I have been ready, or felt ready for a week or so. I had intended to see Jw, but as one person I was talking to who reads the blog said "he is a bit of a flake anyway". I was surprised I guess because I never see that part, unreliable at times yes, but I always want to ignore the negative and live for the positive. So I waited for Jw, but I have decided that maybe this baby situation is too much  or something, Im tired of being punished or feeling like I am being punished for something I can not change. And I can see my all accepting behavior will just continue to leave me empty. I have to remember to learn something from the 9 year love affair / obsession with D. Because where did it leave me.

Ok So after my one night of uninterrupted sleep I spent the day with my sister and mom, reconnecting with my family, crying to the women in my life, laughing, yelling, talking, supporting. I come home and the Jamaican  comes over. He offered to come over to help with the baby. I truly appreciate that kind of help. I watch him with the baby and he is in love with him, it is kind of heartbreaking to be reminded, he is not the father, but so wants to be. We don't get upstairs til 11 and I try to get this child asleep. I see him watching me as I bend over the crib with my short pajama top just barely covering my ass. I did pull out a condom earlier in the day because I wanted it. I was scared and nervous but I needed it. I get into the bed and you can feel the sexual tension. He touches me and I am silent with fear. "We just going to experiment" as he rolls the condom down.  I cant articulate the fear right then, but it immediately does not  feel the same as it always has. It felt good, but it felt different. I defiantly  needed it and as I want to move my body to pull him closer into my body, I want to grind my hips on him a bit, but it just did not feel like I would hope it would. To be clear it was not him, it was just brand new feeling, it was not the familiar feeling I was looking for. So it does not last long maybe five minutes. I feel him cumming in the condom and I start to freak out inside, and tell him to get it out. If I really did get pregnant without using a condom then I just am afraid it will happen again. But the best part was, as soon he rolls himself off of me and is laying next to me, I start to cry. I just want my body back. I want my life to look like my life. I want to recognize my life or maybe I dont. I want to be happy and not feel this soul draining loneliness. I cry and he holds me a bit, wiping tears from my eyes. I was not anticipating being so emotionally raw - which is just plain stupid of me because my emotions are a great big open wound. We went to sleep taking turns waking up taking care of this child who never sleeps. He loves me, and I love him, but as I cry in his arms he says to me that he knows I am lonely and I am looking for someone to be with, to fall in love with. He comforts me but also cautions me to how it will never be if I can not be with just one person. Ummm not sure if I am ready to believe that but he does say to me in so many words... I got to change what I am doing to change the outcome. Today he supported me, and I am almost ready to say maybe I can change some of my destructive behavior.

I wanted to have sex more this morning, but he was not really pushing it ( i guess not after I cried last night) and i was not asking. The drive for sex is defiantly still there and unchanged, it is the way it physically feels.

I am not sure exactly where my extreme unhappiness is coming from. I think it is the hat trick .... divorce pregnancy financial.

I am still grieving the loss of my marriage, not my husband, but my marriage. I enjoy marriage, I want a partner in life. I have deep jealously for happily or content married people. I am still adjusting to my new house, my new town, my new identity, and how that affects my daughter and how her life is so different and less fun than it was. Not to mention the loss of D...

The pregnancy hormones, the physical beating my body and my vagina took, the humiliation and shame I have been subjected to. The whole not knowing who or how I managed to get pregnant, the threats from men, the affect of pregnancy of relationships. All of It!

The financial fears of not knowing who the father is... when I find hin, child support, how do I pay for day care etc... From upper middle class, to middle class, to lower middle class to a single mother of 2 who is just 4 years of day care away from loosing everything I have ever worked for.

So there is no fixing any of that. I try to just take it a day at a time, but I dont know how long I can keep that up. Every single day is such a struggle. For a year now my days have been filled with tears and stuggle. I just don't remember having fun or enjoying much of anything in the last year and I think I thought the key was just giving birth. I was believing some convoluted idea that just as soon as I gave birth my world would fall back into place, the birds would sing again, I would see rainbows and sunshine everywhere I go. That clearly is not happening.

So here are the good things I can say right now. My milk supply is up and I am not stressing about that anymore. The Jamaican is helping me more than he knows. My parents continue to help where ever they can. I have two healthy kids. Even though i may not have money for any thing extra I can at least pay my bills and I have no debt. I have skills I have education and I have great ability to suck it up and do it for a long time. or I used

I think i really thought I would have this baby and i would spend the next 3 months just living a life of leisure. I need to readjust my expectations. Like about sex, when can I expect for it to feel right? I am afriad I will go back to the dr. and they will tell me something horrible like I need reconstructive surgery. I wish I had that birth on tape. I am not sure if anyone not in the room will understand the brutality of it all. BRUTAL! I know people do this all the time, but I dont know it was like nothing I ever imagined. I think I need therapy still.

Even this I feel like blog is not where I want it to be, and has not been for so long. I do not want to be a reason that grown men are brought to tears reading my sad story. I want this to be amusing, and real and I want it to allow me to explore my relationships but not where I writhe in emotional pain but where I explore and critique myself.

And relive hot sex scenes.

My mom offered to watch my babies for me tonight while I get some sleep. I was reluctant to take her up on her offer but I knew the desperation was too much. I was going to loose it. It is 4 am. I have been sleeping since 830p. I was expecting to wake up a few hours ago to pump. Usual the baby wakes me, enough so I can pump, but this morning I was woken up with huge swollen leaking tits and covered in milk. So since then I have been awake,  missing my babies. I kinda want to go get them, or call or something I miss the baby a lot.

So with 7 hours of consecutive sleep I do feel a bit more sane. Things are a bit clearer for me, which is nice. Its good to not feel crazy. I had to stop taking the herb to help me produce more milk, I think it was really making me crazy. I feel less intense now, but I still feel the effects of the herb... I still smell like a Indian Resturant. The herb is a spice used in Middle East with a maple syrup hit to it. My milk supply is better anyway, I cant fuck with that shit anymore.

I have decided to supplement the breast-milk with formula and stop feeling bad for it. So tonight with all this time to myself Thought wow what do I want to do. With formula that means i can pump and dump and partake in anything I want. I thought maybe I want to smoke a little, but who knows whats in that shit and how long that will stay in my milk, how about a drink.. nah I am afraid it will fuck up my sleep. benedryl...nope might dry up my milk, ativan... no they dont know how long that stays in your milk. Ok fuck it... I just laid down and listened to a guided meditation and let my body "feel the healing light".

Formula may have been the reason I got 5 hours of sleep last night. That is fantastic. I was sad giving it to him but I must say with a few hours of sleep under my belt I could care less. In fact about one more day away from giving it up all together. I dont know why I have having so much trouble with supply and for 3 days now I have been pumping almost every 90 to 120 minutes. Im about to be done.

It about 3p and this is when I start to get tired, to be followed by the witching hour, 7pm where I totally loose it. I feel like I will die from exhaustion and usually cry in deserparation. I am kind of hoping something changes soon, it has been almost a month and I feel just as exhuasted and run down as I did week one. I am so tired I feel like there are times I am beginning to hallucinate.

I had a conversation with HR today. I need to add the baby to my health insurance, and as she says to me, so it is still just parent and child.. not the family... meaning are you still single. Thank you for the reminder.

My ex has been being a little bit territorial lately. He was angry the Jamaican was here, and threw up the divorce agreement in my face. I have followed the guide lines of the agreement and more to the point, he is my friend. It is not as though we are kissing, or doing anything romantic, he is my friend and that is how my daughter knows him. The ex just being a asshole. I feel like saying.. she is my kid, your just the guy I was married to when I had her.  At the end of the day, I am the mother and I know what is best for my kid.

I had a look at the baby today, and he looks right in my eyes, I just start to cry. I feel so sorry for all of this. For the way he was brought into this world, for my lack of knowledge about who he is, for my resentment surrounding this entire pregnancy, for feeling so sad. He is a month old and already feel my choices as his mother have already had a neg. impact on his spirit. I just look at him and I hope I can turn this shit around.

As I write, I hear the words of my friend repeat in my head... post partum? Could be or is it just exhaustion and humiliation? Maybe my heart is broken and nothing will every fix it. Maybe my life will never look the way I want it to and I need to grieve for what I have lost. I dont even know who I am anymore. I feel so empty, and I am going through this while the rest of the world moves along.

I feel like he took my choices away. He took the right for me to live my life away. I can take the responsibility of getting pregnant when not using protection. That is my fault. But getting pregnant when using a condom seems like well... like I want to blame him. Whoever that maybe. And maybe that makes me no better that YB and every other piece of shit who made me feel like I did something to them because they needed to be included in the DNA test, but I feel like someone stole my life from me. Stole every chance I had to meet someone and have a baby with someone I love. I just feel like it is all over now, the path has been picked, the plans have been put into motion and my life is no longer one that can be salvaged. I just feel like I will always be left with the scraps of what is left of my own free will. I am angry. I want to make the choices in my life. I want to. I feel like that was my right and it was taken from me. And yes I know I left with a beautiful child, I hear everyone tell me that. Look at all the blessings you have, etc... I just don't feel that way. I am so lonely and so sad. My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed. I am just not sure   I will recover from this.


Forgot to post that yesterday....
Today my only thoughts are how much suffering must I endure? And why can I never just be.. and just be content and at peace? Is this normal? And what has happened to me in my life that i have this intense level of self loathing.

I totally feel like I would snap if I had to go another 24 hours on no sleep. My mom offered to watch both my kids and I just dropped them off. I am hoping something will change with sleep. I am so on the edge of sanity. Its a fine line and I feel like I got one foot over the edge already.

Another sleepless night. I have spent the day (the entire day) cleaning my bedroom. I hate to have the clothes in my drawers not folded and organized. I can not stand having nothing but kid stuff all over my room. I need a little more sanity around me. I am also nursing or pumping every hour now to try to increase my milk production. I never had this problem last time. I had too much milk last time. I am taking some herbs to help too, that is just making me sweat and smell like maple syrup. This is so much fun. I had a good cry and grieved about this breastfeeding thing and decided he is getting formula tonight. It saddens me because it is not the way it should work. My body should be able to nourish my child and I should  be able to do this, and do happily and lovingly, but it is not happening and I am throwing in the towel. ( Had some tears just typing that). I remember feeling so cheated with my daughter I never was able to breast feed her because she was so early, she could not suck or breath quite right, so I pumped for months and months, but I don't love this breast feeding thing as much as I hear other women talk about it. It is messy and I don't feel closer or bonded to him while he is nursing vs any other time. I just feel impatient and irritated at times that I am stuck in one spot when there is SOOO much to do.

I have noticed the need to have sex has increased dramatically in the last few days. It is on my mind all the time. Friday really cant come soon enough.

I have been just resolving my situation in my head, trying to be patient and positive. I have not told YB about his non parent status as of yet. My friends tell me not to tell him, but that is not ok. I will tell him as soon I get some definitive answers.  I think a text like "Hey Fuck Face - Your Not the Father - Bye" will sum up everything i need to say to him. But I am sure he will want to get more info. Sad to me that situation ended. The people I have sex with or will have sex with has really dwindled down. There are not many. In fact I can really only think of 2, Jw & the Jamaican. Everyone else I would not want in my home with my baby so I would have to go out and that is not happening at this point. Then their are the relationships that have been altered forever by this. It was certainly interesting getting such an up close introspective into peoples lack of character and ability to act like an adult. I have been also pleasantly surprised by some people as well.

I do feel a little bit of peace and feel somewhat confident about this guy...who I guess I need to give a name... I might be wrong, but it is not stressing me. I am calling him JF. When my son was born,  I looked at him, and the first thing I said was "he does not look like I thought he would".  And something did not just sit well with me with the DNA test. I did not know why, but I just doubted it. And finally after seeing JF Monday and looking at him and my son, I could see, or at least I think I can clearly see a resemblance. I finally know who he is. I just felt peace about his origins, but then felt very betrayed. I really can not imagine this man doing this on purpose, but I have learned that sometimes there are dark sides to people even if I don't want to see them, they are there. It is a hard place to be to be angry about an unexpected pregnancy and a new mother falling in love with her son. I try not get to emotional invested in this person being the father, because frankly I am painfully aware that can be surprised, but I do think about what it means for this person to be the person who created this brand new person with me. I think about all the stars that had to align just right for this baby boy to come into my world. From the sex with a condom, to the difficult choices about abortion, to the threats to my saftey from YB. It is had not been for my parents unyielding support, I would have to chose to abort. I will never forget the day YB had been very very persuasive, and I had made an appointment for an abortion, and I was loosing it, I got in the car and I wanted to die. I wanted to die I wanted it all to go away, and as I call my mom from my car thinking about some way I could escape this she held me up and never stopped.

What was the point of all this? All the relationships ending. 2011 was the record holder for year with the most heartache and relationships ending. What an incredible profound year, if there is not a larger purpose in all of this than i really need to think about my whole philosophy in life.

I am about to be real honest here and I feel bad for even feeling this way. I have spent some time thinking about this new father possibility, and I feel some what confident this might be it, although I am carefully optimistic at this time, because the reality is condoms are suppose to work or I just was totally unaware of what was going on. I am embarrassed about this new fact. Lets face it having to test a boat load of people to test is embarrassing to me, but now we are getting into a whole new adventure but testing people that I am embarrassed to admit that this is what I was doing.  I feel a little defensive. He is not in particular like the type of my men i would usually be with. Although he would fall into the "best case scenario" at this point. Im just testing these people one at a time now. If he is not it  I will go down the list testing in order or probability, until I get to the scary piece of shit who threatened me, and I will have to take him to court to get him to comply. I am praying it does not come to that. Is this the divine intervention I asked for. I have talk to this new father possibility over the last 9 months. I actually called him ( since he offered) while i was in labor so he could pray for me... how ironic. How freaking ironic? Or did he know? Did he do this on purpose?

I am beyond excited tonight to be going to get my hair done, a pedicure, manicure. I need that bad. I am frustrated I have not been able to loose anymore weight since the initial 30lb drop and i feel like I have been maybe cutting back to much and that is why my milk supply is not as good as it was. So I am pumping every hour and half to every hour to fix that problem, but it does feel like a bit of set back. I have been walking too and still no weight loss. I am hoping that with a paternity test result I will have some peace and relax a little bit and life will fall into a rhythm and I might get back to loosing some weight.

I am ready to have sex. I am beyond ready. Just 3 and half weeks ago I though I might never recover, but I am so freaking ready. I am hoping get back into things on Friday. Beyond excited, but so nervous. I look different i feel different, but my mind is the same, I want the same experience. But will this child of mine sleep so I can get some? I remember when I had my daughter and being with D, and having to get up and tend to her in the middle of it. Not weird then it was his child. I also remember hating him for holding me down and not letting me get up. I dont let my babies cry if I dont have to. He was so selfish but i loved feeling like i was his world in those moments our bodies were connected.

I am really ready. I am trying hard not to get myself all worked up by looking at porn, or reminiscing too much. I want to keep this feeling of being on the brink of sexual explosion til friday. I want to need it so my nerves dont get in my way.

I have been putting off the blogging. I wanted to and then I thought let me wait because I don't feel like blogging with one hand while i feed the baby is really serving its purpose. I cant think or say what i want.
The test results came back. It appears that according to the test results none of the three are the father. Ok did I not mention this was my worst fear. I was holding on to having closure, to being sure, to moving on. Initially I am like somewhat in disbelief that this is my life. And then I am not sure what to do next. Do I trust this lab? do I redo the test? The lab tells me to test everyone possible and to expand my dates since it is not possible to tell exactly what day i got pregnant. So i tested everyone there was a remote chance could have gotten me pregnant. So now I am left with the old dom, who had a vasectomy like 15 years ago, or 2 people I did not write about on here who did where a condom. One of which hates me more than YB and would be a bigger asshole than YB, the other at least is a good person. Then one other that I did talk about here. I think this shit is beyond crazy. So am I really to believe the week I got pregnant, Jw came in me, Yb fucked me raw, and the condom came off with the Jamican, and someone who wore a condom the whole time managed to get me pregnant... of course that is after me fervently trying to get pregnant for the 5 months prior with d... what a joke this is.

The Jamaican cames over Friday to help me. I need help with so much. He was very helpful, cutting the grass, helping with the baby, all kind of shit. I was glad he was here but I also learned some valuable lessons.
1. I will always prefer to do it myself! I may not be able to, have time to but I would really prefer to do it all by myself.
2. Despite Jw taunting calling the Jamicain my boyfriend, nothing could be further from the truth. He is a good person and I like him a lot, he is my best friend right now, but never ever could I be in a relatinship with him. It is just not that kind of thing. And if I was ever unsure of that, spending friday sat and part of sunday together firmed that up. He is a lot like my ex husband, drives me nuts sometimes.
3. My patience is a little bit on the low side. Having someone here watching me, made me aware of just how much I had to hold my tounge, when I felt like saying some shit, or how sometimes a persons very presence makes me want to scream. I needed to be alone.
4. I learned that if I dont get some control in my life soon I will be medicating because Im a fucking mess.
5. And I fucking hate when people dont talk loud enough i can hear them.
6. I really enjoy alone time A LOT!

I am on my way to collect another damm dna sample. This shit is so ridiculous.

I cry the whole to get the sample. The thought of not knowing who this child's father is makes me physically ill. I get there, I go into his apartment, I watch him do the swab, we seal the envelope and talke for a few minutes. I have to feed the baby, and we check out features, and I ask again... We used a condom right? He says yes and I remember the dam kind of condom it was, I remember where he kept them and I remember him putting it on. I must say looking at the two of them, there are some similarities. The ears are very similar, the nose the eyes... the only thing that felt off was the bridge of the nose right between the eyes... I dont know.. At least this guy is nice, he does not hate me and he is not acting like a pussy.

I must say this experience has quickly rid my life of douche bags. You can real see the character of a man by how he responds in this situation. They all fucked me, and to me you have sex with someone then you must be aware that there are certain inherit risks and you enter this non verbal sex contract that says -I know there are risks and nothing is fool proof. I assume all responsibility for what ever happens because I know there is a risk invovled. You cant drink and drive and be surprised when you get in trouble... And for me this has clearly showed me what kind of person I would want to spend any time with in my life. A MAN. One who maybe not necessarily be happy about any of this but does not respond by belittling, humiliating or threatening me. Man Up, own your behavior and deal with it. I love the "it is not me", "Im not getting tested""dont ever call me again".

So going to get the sample, I am sitting on his bed feeding the baby. I have not been back there since Sept 3. It was a little surreal. Even though I am distraught and sad, embarrassed and exhausted, I remember why I liked him in the first place. He is peaceful. His room is peaceful, his spirit is peaceful, it makes me want to lay down and relax and this is why we had sex in the first place. I was so relaxed and happy in his company. It has been a long time since I have had sex and i wanted it right then and there.  So is there something wrong with me that I am collecting the dna sample for the paterntiy test and I can only think of two things. I am so sad, I need to try not to cry, and Damm I really want some dick right now.

I only stay about 1o minutes, it is clear to me, despite his peace and kindness I am going to be overwhelmed with sadness soon and I would like to go before I start to cry uncontrollable. He looks at me with a very sad look. Like he maybe can feel how I feel. He quietly walks me to my car and watches me put the baby in his seat, and I turn to get in the car and he hugs me. i go, cry a bit on the way home.

"Test is taking longer than we expected"was the response for the lab... or all I hear in my head...This is a reminder from God to stop fucking up your life, and He said he would have to delay the results until he sure you know how bad you fucked up.

Here is my day:

Wake up 5am after a 40 min rest, lay there and whimper at the thought of no sleep. Get excited i don't have to get dressed and drive my daughter to school, then I see her hair and I have to braid. So I am up. In my breast milk saturated pajamas, braiding hair, hearing my ex come in downstairs to pick up my duaghter. He brought breakfast. I don't go down stairs because no man, not even my ex, should see me.

I call the babys doctor as it is clear to me he is having some issues with his stomach. I call she says - i can get you in in 20 mins. Great since I live like a block away. I get dressed and go to change the babies diaper to find him covered in poop. Poop Every wear. I marathon bath him, get shower myself, get in the car, forgot to dry my hair... OMG my shirt is soaked I forgot to dry, thus comb my fucking hair.

Long story short, dr wants baby to have an ultra sound of his stomach, she concerned about something she is feeling. She gets me an appointment for an hour from then. Ok, I run home for the pump and off to the hospital, that she warns me, depending on the results I will have to stay at. Need for surgery she was trying to rule out. I call my Mom, who offers to come with me,  but I decline, there is no time anyway. And I get on the highway and I cry. I cry and yell and try to gather some strength to get through the next 2 hours with out crying there. Mostly I just sob on the car ride.  - He had the test and he is fine, I feel grateful but exhausted and just in disbelief of the turmoil in not only my life but my sisters. I cry a lot when I think bout her. It is all too much. Just one tragedy at a time would be nice.

I come home, I get about an hour, I talk on the phone for a bit, talk to Jw a bit online. He says the baby does not look like him. I start to cry. I dont want to hear that. Ok  I know i keep saying this, and that I must appear to be in denial. I know what the reality is. Trust me i know. But hearing it, acknowledging it is not easy. I fucked up so bad, I dont want to believe it sometimes. Somedays I just day dream about how things would have been diffrent had I not stopped by that morning, would Jw have gotten pregnant? and what would that be like?  All the what ifs flood my mind and all I can think about is how i fucked up, and how this fuck up will have far bigger consequences than my usual fuck up. How do i even move on from this one? How do i learn a lesson from this? And can I expect to just learn a lesson, this has changed my entire life forever, is that not enough, do I need to change everything I am? Is that the purpose of all of this - to change me? I dont feel any different, I just feel unlucky. I feel sad and unlucky and like I have set myself down a path I will never be able to exit, but it did not change me. It did not make me question my aversion to monogamy, or my quench my desire to be used and abused sometimes.

Looking at that baby of mine, I just feel so sorry. I did not expect to be so overcome with remorse and regret. So was this Gods plan or my lack of control at work? I dont know what to expect in the next few months, but I hope some kind of happiness returns to my life. I dont want to feel like I fucked up my life forever just because I had a baby. But it is not so much about the baby, but the situation. The overwhelming sense of being alone, and no end in sight, the strained financials situation, the lack of sleep lack of enjoyment lack of any kind of happiness. At some point I feel like switching him to formula and medicating myself with all the drugs they will give me until I can achieve some sense of peace and happiness. Fruitless, this is no my mind that fucked up, it is just the way it is.

I want someone to save me. Someone to come in my door right now, hug me, and usher me up to bed, massage me, make love to me, clean my house, watch my children, make me dinner and just care for me. I want to be taken away from all of it. Someone to lean on and take me under his wing, and say I got this... let me take care of this for you. I want to make Yb into a human being, and  I want him to not act like I wanted this. Why would anybody want this?

No test results yet... 5p pacfic time, he "hopes" they will be ready then.

I have been a little bit unsure of what I am feeling. I know sadness but unsure why. I took the baby to have pictures done this morning. I look at the pictures on the screen and he looked like Jw to me. And then as i am looking at these picture I begin to tear up, and I feel myself loosing control of my emotions. I have to bring some focus back and I manage to get out of there with only one tear rolling down my face.

In the car I call the DNA people, and Barry who I have talked to alot, brings my case up so he can review it. "Whoa, okay well it good you are having the follow up test. There is no way Jw can be the father but I would like to double check YB and the Jamican". I start to cry. I think it hurt me to hear that there is no way that Jw could be the father, not that i dont already know that information, I mean it says it right on his results sheet, but maybe I am praying for some human error. Could I have fucked it up... I dont care how it happens but can i just get some divine intervention on this one. He and I continue to talk about all the ins and out of DNA and all that good stuff. People always say follow your instinct, but how do you know you instinct from denial. I always felt it was far fetched that YB could be the sperm donor based on our activities, his dick was out of my body for like 10 minutes before he came... Anyway.

I was driving over to see the Jamaican. I told him I might stop by after the pictures, and I should have told him I was not coming when he called to see if I was coming or not. My heart was not there. I really needed someone to hold me up, love me, just take me away from all the heartache. He sometimes can do this. Not today. His mood was a little shifty today. I knew right away I should not have come. I think he is more stressed then me about this DNA test. To make it better by the time I got there, I had to pump, and his cousin was there... The whole pumping thing is killing me, it is very hard to keep this kid in breast milk. I need like at least 24 oz a day, and he is rapidly needing more and more, which means i have to feed him more at the breast (like all the time) or I am pumping every 2hours.  Anyway I pump in his bedroom, which is weird, and of course he acts very casual about the whole thing, coming in talking to me while I am doing it. In my head i am thinking, this shit is crazy, and he I am sure thinks it is just natural, because he pays it no mind. We go for a walk, and I am ready to leave. We are not meshing, and I am ready to cry and I dont want him trying to hug me. LoL. For some reason it is I really appreciate and enjoy his company or I cant stand him. No real in between.

Although while I was there, changing the baby talking to him, he smiles at me and says "you really love him" and I really thought to myself ahh yes I do love him. This intense love creeped up on me. I was always concerned that if I had another child I would not love it like I loved D child. I always saw my daughter as a expression of that love I had for him. This child is a bit different and i was concerned maybe I would not love him as much or more to the point I would have to try harder to love this one.

Having said all that sad emotional stuff let me also add I actually had some real jeans on today and at least tried to look like a a little bit of what I used who I was... and today walking to the car seeing a man looking at me... I smile at him.... AHHH yes its coming back. Slowly but I see a glimer of hope I will regain my full sexuality.

Dear God this is not going to work. How am I going to take care of this child who does not sleep and function. He does not sleep. He moans and whimpers all night. Holy Shit. I think I might have gotten maybe one hour of sleep last night.  I am scared at times at my state of delirium in the middle of the night. I am so exhausted I am afraid. I am thinking about moving the baby into his room, just so I can have that extra time to wake up before I get him, so I am fully awake, but then I will be up checking on him all the time. Its a no win situation. I am sure you might be wondering why I have time to do this if I have had no sleep... this keeps me sane. This is mandatory right now, because if I dont have it I will loose my mind.

I spent a lot of the night looking at my son and crying, feeling so sad for what I have done. I am trying to get to a place of not caring about YB's comments or his apathy, but it hurts me. It hurts me that I am caring for him alone, it hurts me I fucked up so bad.  I studied my child's face a lot of those waking hours of the night. I see nothing of myself, and I cant pin point if he looks like YB or not. I never wanted something more in my life than this test to be wrong. I know that I am grasping at straws but it would just be nicer not to have to explain that asshole to someone.

I hear my daughter on the phone with my ex.."oh Daddy your so funny'. Then I cried harder. He deserves a dad and a mom. It is just not fair.

Men disappoint me. How do you create children and not care? I don't get it, I never will, I think we need to start sterilizing men who do that, and women too that abandon their children.

I talked to YB via text today. I used to really believe that everyone has good in them. I really believed that will all my heart, but I must say after todays conversation I feel like this son of a bitch is just evil. He continued to tell me what a piece of shit I am, how I will never amount to anything, that I lied and manipulated the situation. That I am using him as my meal ticket and he says "I have no interest in your runt". Ok wow. So again right actions and right thoughts will end in right outcomes... what happened to that universe?

  He is not even thinking clearly and does not even see how stupid he sounds, because if he did he would understand that he is the worst case scenario. There is a small part of me that wants to cause him some heartache, humiliate him, make him cry a little bit, make him sorry for being such a fuck face. I keep telling myself to let it go, that he will need to answer for his actions in life at some point, and not to me. I am not his judge not his jury not his conscience.

 As I read these mean spirited text, I hold my baby boy tighter and pray to God he will never hurt from the absence of this person in his life.  I said something on the text, how I am praying the DNA is wrong still and he says he knows its not and quickly acknowledges he is the father. I thought that was very weird. He tells me in a boastful way how he completed both of his degrees, and now is taking some kind of exam to be a state trooper. That is just what the state needs - this sick fuck carrying a gun. He mentioned how he was so angry with me he had thought about "doing some things that would land him in jail". Nice.

My heart just maybe a little more broken then it was. To be clear I am ok if this retard is not a father but to not care anything about your child, not want to see him, or even know his name, that shit hurt.  My baby did nothing wrong and one of the people who should love him unconditionally does not even want to look at him. What kind of human being is that?

He even had the balls to say "because of me it is even hard for him to have a relationship right now". Wow really, so what stops you from having a relationship? What an asshole. What a mother fucking asshole.

I just could not be any nicer to him, and I have asked him for nothing yet, and I have been more than gracious and flexible. How can a person be so fucking mean?

One last prayer - God PLEASE let anyone other than YB be this boys father.

"You up for company" she says after I reluctantly answer the phone. "ugh" I hesitate. "Well I am in front of your house".  My crazy girl friend. I guess that is the way to do it, otherwise I would have never told anyone I was up for company. I was glad she came over. I needed to talk to her I needed my friend to boost me up and bit. I thought it was funny, she said..."oh wow he looks just like YB"... LoL wtf. It was good to talk to her, I dont know why I push people away so much, because I actually do like the company, i like the interaction.

I did call the Dna Lab yesterday the results are due in on Thursday evening, so eastern time that is like 2 am ... Friday morning. I feel like calling it a day on the whole thing. Maybe it is better to never really know. I have had enough with the whole thing. I am close to just loosing it. I dont care who the father is at this point, just want to feel sure about the results and keep it moving.

My mom slept over last night to get up with the baby so I can sleep. What a world of diffirence sleep makes in how a person feels. I feel fucking fabulous today, like I can think clearly. I dont feel quite so desperate either. Maybe sleep is the issue... or at least a large part of it.

I did break down yesterday and broke out my long missed magic wand. I needed an orgasm to release some stress. I was scared though. I thought I might hurt or something. It did not. I was trying to get that incredible body shaking orgasm but I could not get there, too many distractions. But it was good, and did relieve some stress. I can not wait to FUCK! My body needs it and my mind is ready for it, I still think my body needs some time but i dont know how much longer I can take this.

Mother's Day not as fun as I would have hoped. I frankly have no expectations as I am  frequently let down, but I was pretty sure no matter what happened it would be better than last year. I had plans to go out to breakfast with a group of women, including my Mom and Sister. My sister did not want to go since she is so overwhelmed with the health of her son, I was really not excited to get up early, but I also know I need to get out of this house as much as I can or I will loose it. Long story short the 3 of us decide to scrap the idea.....later in the day my Mom tells me they all went - without me. "You said you wanted to sleep in" she says to me. Teary eyed and feelings hurt I just say "whatever mom". That really hurt my feelings, and it is really hard being alone all day everyday. Some kind of human contact would have been nice. My Ex had my daughter, he brings her back about 12, and says "I asked her what she wanted to get you for Mother's Day - but she did not want to get you anything, so she made you a card". Ok really... that one was hard not to cry in front of my my daughter. I could not even looked at my ex, and he just kept standing around, and I kept saying "Daddy is leaving, go say goodbye". Christ even the card was a piece of paper and her writing on it with a red pen. Wow he really went out of his way.  Even last year, even last fucking year after he told me he wanted a divorce on Mothers Day and did nothing with my daughter, I managed to swallow my anger and help her create something special for him. I have always done it for her. It was a low day yesterday and truthfully my feelings are still hurt. Maybe that is part of my issues, I just never feel important to anyone. I have been crying most of the last 24 hours, weepy and sobbing, everything makes me sad. I am not sure if this is hormones still of if this just my fucked up life.

The Jamaician calls me a few times. He hears me crying and he knows I am sad, so he keeps checking in on me. He said something in our conversation "...I know your heart was broken while you were pregnant...". That is a good way to say it. My heart was broken and is broken, all from my own doing but still broken. It does not matter how strong I am, how much shit I can take at the end of the day I am alone and I need to figure out someway to pick these pieces of my life.


I was happy to have my daughter home with me, and she wanted to go outside and play with the water. So I am sitting on the porch holding the baby, and thought I would get the mail, I had let pile up all week and begin reading it.  I see this letter from the state and I get scared. I open it to see that it is in reference to the newborn blood work that is done in the hospital. All I see is Sickle Cell at first and I start to cry instantly, it took me a minute to realize that they are telling me that they believe he is a carrier of the gene - but does not and will not have the disease. This brought up so many feelings for me. The realization ( I know this sounds stupid) that he really had another persons genes, not just mine, that he is not just mine, that like it or not a man helped create him and is part of him. And just utter sadness. And I look at him and he is so perfect and wonderful, how he can he carry this gene? How can he not be perfect? I was bothered by the news via letter I had so many questions and I never knew much about Sickle Cell, but i knew that white people did not get it. I did figure out that if he has a baby there is a 50% chance he would pass this trait to his child, no the disease just the trait, and if the child's mother has the trait there is a 25% chance of passing the disease to a child. So the panic diminished a bit, it is good to know I guess before you have children. It was just a bit overwhelming to read and process.

I remember talking to the Jamaican when i was pregnant about how I just felt like i had no choice here. That this pregnancy made me feel like I was just along for the ride and that I had not say in any of it. I most defiantly feel that way still. I know I made a choice to have sex I know that, but i did not choose for the condom to malfunction with the Jamaican, and for the life of me I don't know where my head was at when i was so laid back about that happening, like it never occurred to me I could get pregnant. YB I chose to have sex, but I did not feel like I had a choice. Or maybe it is more clear to say I felt to paralyzed to assert myself about the condom. It is so hard to stop and put a condom on,  but he came in my mouth so I thought everything was cool, and even Jw, I was not prepard for that. That whole week was just a tornado of emotion and sexual promiscuity to be followed by denial and shock. I dont know what I was thinking. I want some control back in my life. I feel like I can start to grasp it again.

My parents are looking into putting a fence up at my house and bringing my daughters toys over, my mom asks me "do you have money to help with the fence". I try not to cry and explain to her that everything I have i am holding onto because I do not have any idea how I am going to pay for childcare. I buy nothing I dont have to buy and I try not to think about all the new expenses. I have not even looked at my bank account since I had the baby. I dont want to know. I dont want to think about it. I have be putting off calling my HR dept because the thought of the increase cost in health insurance etc just feels like it might put me over the edge. I got so much anger for YB too. It is just getting more intense as days go by. What a piece of shit he is, if it is his or not you play like a big boy and feel like your man enough not to use a condom than maybe you should be ready for the consequences.  I hope these tests come back today.

Down 30lbs today, able to wear jeans today and sneakers. I can not believe I gained 56 pounds... that is crazy.  I did my hair put on some earrings and a little bit of make up. It felt good, and I did not shy away from people today, it was nice to feel like myself. It is only 6p and I need a nap but even still nice to feel alive. Went to lunch with my Aunt and my Mom, and figuring out how to pump in the car is difficult. My boobs are not little  to conceal easily. I am sure there is someone who enjoyed the show today. Then we headed to see my nephew. Such a long day. And yet I feel like I did nothing productive.

We spend a lot of time talking about relationships, marriages, lack of happiness, expectations, my aunt gets her vote in on who she feels like the father might be and expresses her deep concern about the validity of the test from a scientist point of view.  I continue to obsess as well and feel strongly that there is something not right about the results.

I am not feeling quite myself in respect to my thinking. I cant seem to gather my thoughts or figure out where I am going. My mind is preoccupied with the paternity test, falling in love with my son, my nephew, my daughter, my shame, my regrets and my sanity. It is all a lot to think about.

There are not many things I have regretted in my life. But I would say my actions back in august would prob have been my biggest regret thus far, or maybe equal with not ending my marriage when i knew I should have. Not that I regret my baby boy, who ever is his father, I have no regrets, but I dont like to cause strife in anyone's world. I have caused a lot of heartache for a lot of people, including myself. I hope I can remember just how deeply this affected people and remind myself of the that when I feel like I might be making some bad choices again. I know when I had my daughter I thought differently about life, my sex life, risk taking behavior, I cared more about myself. Since I had my daughter I have become way more safe, way less extreme. Maybe my son will help me get a little further with that. I know that being a mother has taught me huge lessons in life.

Tears are coming so easily today. I look at my nephew and my sister and her husband watching them nervously caring for their helpless little boy, I feel so blessed. Why is this so difficult for her? Why at every turn has she been met with turmoil and tragedy and for me babies come with minimum heartache. I wish I could take it all away for her, take her pain, and let her know the joys of motherhood already. She has waited so long. Her whole life has been littered with difficulty. It just feels unfair, why do some people have a more seemingly more difficult path in life? And others will float through this world with little tragedy and enjoying their journey through life?

Sometimes I feel like I should just focus everything I have on these children and forget my lonliness my desire to be loved. Maybe I should supress  any love I have and just pretend it does not exist, live my life a single mom, and swallow down my sadness. Sadness will come, no matter what I do - maybe it is better just to feel sadness via loneliness  vs. sadness via rejection...

Today is the first day since sometime in March I have been able to wear a pair of sneakers. I feel like I got a little bit of pep in my step today. And on the drive home from dropping my daughter at school feel some what sad that this might be my last baby. Yes already feeling that way. There is no logic pattern to thinking when your body is going through such huge hormonal changes and drastic sleep deprivation. I will be interested to see where all the dust settles in a few months and how I feel. There are definatly times during my day I am not happy, that I feel like I will never have a normal life again, most of the time it is at night. Laying in bed with my kids and still feeling so freaking alone. Im not sure if that loneliness will ever leave me, I dont ever remember a time when i did not feel it, at least for a little while. Then there are other times of my day that I feel satisfied that I have always wanted more children and now I have another one, satisfied with my life as a mother., happy to have what I need for the most part and people to help me.

So this weekend is Mother's Day - you may remember Mother's Day 2011 was when my ex husband told me he wanted a divorce. Bittersweet memories. I remember feeling overwhelmed with how to keep my daughter intact emotionally and excited to be FREE AT LAST.  What kind of asshole does that on Mothers Day but whatever. It was maybe a week or two later I met T, who I kinda miss. I liked hanging out with him, he was very comfortable in his own space, in his own skin. I wonder if I had met him if I were in different place would things have been different. We never did have a talk about things...that irritated for a long time. I just so like to have feed back on what the other person is thinking. Knowledge is power.

So here I go having these thought about this kids father. So what if it is the Jamaican? Ugh that is not real ideal either. I guess it is better than YB, because the Jamaican will be a father, but there is a slew of other issues there. I feel like our relationship would change a bit and become more of me taking care of him, teaching him and helping him help his self. Something like my marriage. Not that he can not take care of himself, just seriously his life could use some fine tuning, as evidenced by the fact he lost is license. Then there is money. At the end of the day I have got to pay for daycare. He works hard, but not sure what kind of money he will be able to contribute. So there is a whole other set of problems with that. I dont want to take care of another man in that way ever again. I want a man that can and will take care of his business and do it well with out me. I would like a man smarter than me. More street smarts, more book smarts, just a  man who can teach me, lead me.

In my shower this morning thinking back to when Jw came over and I was in my shower and the scene that unfolded. Close my eyes I can bring it right back and make my body feel that sexual tension it felt as he pulled back the curtain. I wonder how sex will be with him now. I am worried about that. I liked how it was before. (Before the DNA test results) I felt connected and since I felt less connected and like he was trying to convince himself that he wanted me. Im so nervous about it. I still feel ashamed and remorseful for the whole ordeal. I dont know if that will ever go away.

My ex is taking my daughter  Saturday, which is good. She does add stress to my day and she needs something to do, not just lay around the house and watch me try to sleep and breast feed, but I am like wow, my weekend is going to suck. Just me and the baby staring at each other for like 2 days. I am going to need to do something. Take sex out of my equation and I dont know what to do with myself. Nothing even sounds amusing.

Ok so I am still a little obsessed with the whole paternity thing. So looking for more about the company I used. DNA Plus and this is what I found. This would have been helpful back in November. Im not going to have any peace until I know for sure!


I used DNA Plus in August, 2010 to help me determine the correct biological father of my child.  At that time, I was 18 weeks pregnant.  I was told that the noninvasive paternity test was 99.999% accurate. 

After paying out $1249.00 and following all of the instructions that DNA Plus told me to follow, I was given false results.  I had assumed that, since DNA Plus had said that they have been around for so many years, that the results were correct.  This company even offered a child confirmation test to be included after the baby's birth .  (like a 2 for 1 DNA test)

I had the man, who was confirmed as the father, by DNA Plus, and his family all involved with the rest of my pregnancy & the birth of my daughter.  The man who was presumed as the father & his family all travelled over 250 miles to be present at "our" child's birth. 

After "our" baby was born, I had decided leave my job & to move to the location where the father & his family were located for support.  I had gotten the "child confirmation" test results when my daughter was 1 & 1/2 months old.  The second test had different results.   Now, the other guy was pointed out the father.  He was living in the original location that I had just moved away from.  :(

I had to call the original father & the new father to straighten out the mix up.  We all went through a second company because of conflicting results to find out that the second test from DNA Plus was the right one! 

Damaged lives here!  The first family is heart broken over losing who they thought was their new addition to their family.  Not to mention the money spent by both myself & the other family all gone down the toilet.  Also, the actual father never had th opportunity to be involved with my pregnancy & even worse, missed our daughter's birth!

I do not feel that this company should be allowed to do this "99.999% accurate" prenatal paternity testing anymore.  It was in FACT wrong & cost our families grief. 

I did call for a refund & DNA Plus told me that another girl had the same thing happen to her 6 months ago.  I ended up with half of my money back.  I could have sued, I'm sure.  However, since all I want to do now is move on with my life, I choose not to persue any lawsuits.  I DO want to make it known to any pregnant female out there unsure of paternity...  DO NOT make the same mistake that I did!!!!!!!  

I hate breast milk. I hate the smell of it the unpredictable nature of it, the ample supply of it. It is all over. My milk came in about 4 days after he was born, but yesterday we hit a whole new level in milk production. It is everywhere. Last night I changed my pajamas 2x because I was wet, and holding my baby for an hour or so he was a little fussy, ended up with him soaked with breast milk. He is sleeping next to me now and as he whimpers a bit in his sleep I can feel the milk. We all smell like breast milk, even after i shower it seems to just be dripping out. Crazy. Yesterday I wanted to stop and get this smoothie I am in love with. I have not had one in a long time because the caffeine in them but I really needed one. So I pick up my kid from school, we go to the store she gets out and I get out to get the baby only to look down and see my entire shirt i saturated on one side. I had come to far, I was not leaving with out my smoothie. I took the baby out of the carrier and carried him in like that to disguise my leaking breasts. The one time i forget to put the breast pads in... 

The Jamaican was going to come over after work yesterday,but never made it. This is the problem when you loose your license, particularly where I live. He is lucky there is a bus, but there is not a whole lot of bus runs. He missed the last bus for the night yesterday and we ended up talking for awhile on the phone. Still amazed how strong his accent is, talking on the phone is not easy, and he says i talk to fast for him too. We talk about the baby of course. I send him face shots of the alleged fathers, per his request, so he can compare. He says it looks just like Jw. His vote is Jw. He said def cant be YB. He would love it to be his. I know he was very hurt with the DNA test results and I know he is trying to be cool and not commit to the idea it might be his. Which I agree he should. I dont want to drag him through an emotional rollarcoaster ride.  Furthermore he asked me who the baby looked like and thought the baby looked like him too.  I might be slightly less obsessed about it today. 

Birth control has been on my mind too. I hate birth control, but it is a necessary evil. So few options! I am not taking hormones. They make me way more crazy then I already am, so that is no pill, patch, or ring. I dont want my tubes tied. IUD? My doc does not recommend if you are not in a monogamous relationship. 

Ok so down to fucking condoms and spermicide, with a little bit of the rhythm method for extra security. No wonder there are so many unplanned preganancies in the world. These options are terrible.  I have one more baby then I would get my tubes tied. 

I remember being young and naive and talking about this women who had a bunch of kids by diffirent men. Oh how my image of her has changed. I used to see her as irresponsible and that she did not care about her children.  I dont know her at all just her situation, so that may have been true, but maybe she was not a fan of abortion and maybe she just very fertile. Maybe that is part of God's plan for her. 

I want to have sex so bad. I feel like the hot black man radar is at high alert. I keep seeing these really nice looking men, women too, that just look like fun to play with. Sadly I cant have sex yet, I needeed 3 weeks last time, I am hoping i dont need much more than that this time, but things just dont feel right yet, or even close. 

Since the Jamaican did not make it over I did stop by his house today. Partly because if I dont get out of this house I am going to loose my mind, and I partly because I really needed that hug. It has been so long since I have been touched. I really had to have some contact. He was excited to see the baby too. On the way in his neighbor stops to look at the baby and says "oh my he looks JUST like you". We both kind of ignore him and walk inside. We compare and contrast this child's features, and have a good laugh, we know it is fruitless effort. Sometimes he looks like the Jamaican to me, sometimes D, sometimes Jw, sometimes he looks a little like Bert from bert and ernie so clearly looking at him wont tell me anything. We were just sitting around talking for awhile and we watched some kind of Jamaican movie he had been telling me about. He gave me a hug, but after awhile I asked him to please come sit with me on the couch, I needed to lay my head on him. I just needed someone to hold me up a bit, comfort me, we always have these incredibly soulful and well sad conversations about who we love, who we have loved. He asks me if I am in love with anyone right now and urges me to not let the flesh ruin things in my life. He shows me pictures of his family, that he misses so much, and he appears to be so sad.  So I think to myself how do I have any right to be sad about my life. Just made me think a bit. On the way out, there are all these men standing out on the street. Maybe 5 to 6 right in front of my car. So this will give you a clear idea of how unhappy I am with how I look. I did not even pick my head up to see if they were black or not, I did hear some island accents but I just kept my eyes down, put the baby in the car, gave my friend a hug and got in the car and did not look back. Now that is out of my norm ;) I want to exercise a bit, but I must say I just dont feel right yet, and they said I should wait at least 2 full weeks. I need my hair cut, my eye brows done, a pedicure would be nice. I also need to go see my nephew but how do I fit that all in? I cant bring the baby with me to see the other baby, and the hospital like an hour away that is like minimum of 3 hours with him away from me, i am not sure I can leave him for that long. I dont want to leave him at all yet. But I would really love some sleep. Some DEEP uninterrupted sleep!

What an unproductive day! I just feel like I did nothing. 

Everytime I see a pic of my sister and her husband and their new baby I am instantly brought to tears. She had been trying to have a baby for 4 years and lost 4 pregnancies prior to this one. It has been a battle for them to have this child, and I get a little overcome with happiness for her when I see the pix. I also see the absolute joy in her eyes and his. She loves her husband. Like she Loves him and he loves her. I never had that kind of love. Never. I feel at best, I liked my ex, and I resided myself to "eh I guess this will be ok", but I never LOVED him like that.  I so want that kind of love. Not that their relationship has not had issues - of course it has - but they love each other. I want this kind of love, this kind of relationship. I want  to love someone and feel confident the love is returned.

Watching The Voice last night, and as the winner was on stage singing his last song, enjoying his moment of success his wife was there in his arms and he gripped onto her. She held him up in that moment, and their love for each other was so obvious. I dont know if that kind of relationship is in the cards for me or not. Many people always tell me I cant have that becuase I cant give up the other stuff. I am not sure I believe that. I have given up the other stuff before, as long as my needs are met, I am capable to devotion. Isnt that everyone? We all must have our needs met into order to keep going. I am no different.

So I had some time to think about D and why I called him. I dont even know why I did. If he did answer I did not know what I wanted to say. I almost had nothing to say, maybe I just wanted to hear his voice... nah when I heard his voice mail I did not feel like I had before, I feel numb and some what irritated with the accent I had once loved.  I thought about the picture of his kids, the family picture that he is not part of... I wonder does he have this same hold on his wife he had always had on me. Why does she continue? Where does her love end? I am pretty confident D will swing back around in my life before long. Who knows though, I just wish I could get more prepared for that mentally. I need some therapy from that relationship, and if I had a free moment and a spare dollar I would get it but neither one of those things are happening so this will have to do. I  dont want to call him, or talk to him, or see him today, maybe I just hit a low moment yesterday.

I feel so lost and i am sure that was me grasping at the things that are familiar to me. I can acknowledge that I would prefer to be treated badly vs. being inconsequential in someones life.

Last night I had to go get some things my daughter needed for school. I still look pretty run down and taking the baby and my daughter out was not fun.  It was physically draining as well as humiliating that I just look so fucking shitty. Being pregnant and looking horrible is one thing, but I need to get myself back to a place where I dont feel embarrassed to go out in public.

The baby was acting very lethargic last night and did not wake himself to eat all day. I was waking him and he was just not interested in anything. I just did not like his behavior. He is still a little jaundice, and lethargy is a sign his billirubin levels might be rising. So I call the doctor, who we saw earlier in the day for some reassurance and advice. I call and I swallow some tears down before we talk, as it was getting hard for me to speak with out crying.  I get through the conversation with out crying and then I begin to sob. This is when I dont want to be alone. I  dont want to be the only person responsible for this person entire well being. Dear God that is so much responsibility. Even to have someone there to say hey - what do you think? is he acting different? does he look more jaundice to you? This shit sux. Doing this alone fucking blows and there is no positive way to spin it.

Every dr appt  for me or the baby I have to do a post partum quiz... one of the questions is do you feel unhappy with  your life....answers being the same as always, more that usual, a lot more than usual or not at all. This makes me laugh. Just take a look and me and you can see I am struggling, its not post partum, it is just the reality of my life. Post partum would indicate depression and overwhelming sadness with out reason, based on a chemical /hormonal change in the brain. Me I just fucked my up. I wasted so many years in a horrible marriage, I tried to be someone my parents wanted me to be and failed miserably, I have give 2 children life and managed to choose 2 men who have no desire in having a relationship with their child. I am 33 years old and my life is fucking unrecongizable. This is not who I am - what the fuck happened? What happened to my size 8 body? what happened to my determination? what happened to everything I ever wanted for myself?

Now relax everyone I am not going to hurt myself or others. I am just re adjusting, having some growing pains, working through the hormones, and trying to let my heart heal a bit.

The Jamaican says he is stopping by tonight after work. He wants to see the baby, he wants to see what he looks like in person I guess. I am looking forward to seeing him. I need a hug so bad, and I am sure it will end up with me laying my head on his lap while I cry and he tries to soothe me. I dont want to fall apart when i see him but I kind of feel like I will. He understand suffering, and I dont do well with hiding behind a smile with him.

I keep looking at my son, he does not look like anyone I  know anymore. My doctor asked me if his dad was mexican.. I had to laugh. It is what it is, I cant change it and I have really already accepted worst case which was YB so I am going to let it go. Or try my best to.

Sleep deprivation making me crazy too... this kid has his days and night mixed up and i dont nap easily. I am going to try to lay down now and see if I can get an hour or sleep.

Im starting my day with bathing children, a 2 minute shower for me, school drop off, grocery store, and now home alone feeling a bit lonely. I got to learn how to entertain myself. I really REALLY need to clean my house but that seems like a fruitless effort, as my daughter tends to destroy it in minutes, but it looks bad in here, I might just go ahead and clean it. I keep pushing back visitors, other that my family but  soon enough they will come. 

My nephew was born last night, weighing 4lbs, but seems to be doing very well. I am feeling very blessed and my family is feeling closer. It is really wonderful, all these new little lives. 

So its an hour later and bordom overtook me as I look around on facebook. I look up D and his wife. For no other reason than curisoity. And then I get pissed. I see this pic of his kids (his other kids) and I feel so sad for my daughter. Not that she does not have a wonderful father, but christ D, it has been almost a year and you have not even dropped me a line to see how she was doing. Nothing at all. You did not acknowledge her birthday,  or anything about her. She has asked about and for you and you. What kind of human being can act like that? does he not understand she is a person with feelings and my ex husband is her dad, but as she wants to know more about herself she knows D "helped to make her" and that is why she looks like him. Heartbreaking. So I call him. I have numbers for him. I just do not ever want to stir the pot, and frankly there is no reason for me to call him. He knows where I am, and how to reach me.  I dont like to chase people, but I have had enough. How was he so loving and kind in the begining. I remember when I had my daughter him "teaching" me how to burp her and hold her etc... so like him to think he knows everything. But he was sweet. He would acknowledge birthdays and mothers day and every other holiday, he would call me just to see how things were. He would check in. Im angry. I called and got his voicemail (I blocked the number too). I am not leaving him a message, but I feel like if I dont address my anger with him I will be in my car on a mission to Maryland ready to fight.  (Lets be real serious for a minute- Im way too exhausted for that, but I dont like to feel like this).  I see pictures of his wife and I am still unclear if she really knows about my daughter or not, and I would want my child to have a relationship with siblings be it half siblings or not. Does she hate me? Does she know what I look like? I put this shit out of my mind for a long time but it came creeping back. Not that D being out of my way has not been positive in some respects. It has. D was all consuming. D had a way of making sure I gave everything I had. All my energy, my love, my patience, my money, my dignity, all of me. He is not the man I thought he was when I fell in love with him and he has been a grand disappointment since our relationship changed. I am so angry with him! if he does answer the phone what would i even say? 

So moving onward with my photo comparisons of my baby. This shit needs to end asap. So today I am like, could he look like D? As I look at his photo and my daughters, then I am like did I forget about a time I had sex with D? And then how fucking horrible it would be if D was his father, D is not going to give me money and if I take him to court he will bounce, and he will not be a father to his kid. So it is a loose loose situation.   It is kinda of like I need to know who the father is to fully body with my child. At some moments I feel like this is a strangers baby. I love him but I dont even see any of myself in him, at least knowing who his dad is would help me wrap my head around this is my baby. It is all still very surreal! I get kind of in a panic when I think about what if his dna does not match anyones?  It was a bad week that week that month maybe I forgot someone. Just paranoia I guess. Then the dna test people say fetal blood cells stay in your body for about 20 years after he pregnancy. What if I had a pregnancy with YB or Jamicain before that ended before I knew I was pregnant... could that fuck up the test. They told me if D was an alleged father that would be a problem.... UGH. Its official I have gone insane. 

Good news down 26lbs now :) And I had real pants on today. I did take them off as they are not comfortable to wear all day but I had on my real pants again :) I think I can get a real shoe on my foot today... WOO HOO. I am going to clean my house and put this shit out of my head. Then I am going to get down on my knees and pray to God for some peace on this matter and the abitlity to look past all these worries and just focus on my family. 

I am defiantly feeling better. My feet are almost small enough I can wear something other than an old pair of my ex husbands flip flops. My legs only a little swollen so that is wonderful. It is a good thing I am feeling better and better able to manage my new life as my family has more pressing things to deal with. My sister who was due a month after me (sometime in June) water broke last night at 33 weeks.  She is at a hospital almost an hour from me, in a bed unable to move, trying to delay birth at least 72 hours so she can get steroids for lung maturity. I feel bad I cant be there to help her. I know I could help her relax, I just been praying all day for her son's safe and healthy arrival in this world and trying to do anything I can, which is not much.

I called the DNA testing center to confirm they received my babys dna sample, which they did, and they were beginning the test today. 7 to 10 business days. But I feel like it is such a weight on my heart that I dont know. And of course now I google the DNA test and I see all these horror stories how they were wrong. Umm how did the same google search 6 months ago pull up nothing? Obviously this is on my mind. With that is a sense of shame still. This has been profoundly embarassing. Even though I laugh most things off and give off the appearance that everything is cool, it is embarrassing not to be sure who your baby's father is. I just want to put this all to bed and move on, it feel it is never ending.

I have been watching Jerry Springer and Kloe and Lamar all day. Home one week and i am loosing my mind already. I think about sex a lot, and my future, my relationships with people and how they changed and are changing. I want to figure out who I am and I want to not feel ashamed of myself anymore. I need to get control back in my life. I dont know what my life should look like or rather what I want it to look like. It is really hard to break the cycle of just doing what is expected and not what is truly desired. I need to question my every motivation for everything I do.

My ex husband has been really helpful, and offers to help all the time. The Jamaican calls me a lot, like every day or more. He never really says anything. And I feel bad, I know he wants this child to be his and I know that he is having trouble waiting this out.  That shit makes me feel bad. I never want to cause anyone suffering it makes me sad. I think back to when I was pregnant and he would listen to my belly and his  heart beat telling me he should be the father. Sorry does not sum up how I feel but I feel so badly for all of this unknowing.

:( Just talked to my mom, hearing my sister moaning in agony with each contraction... Poor thing. Even though my sister is three years older than me I always took care of her.

I am looking forward to a time a peace in the near future for me and my family.

 I am not trying to make something out of nothing or hang on to one last hope that there is some better alt. to YB being this little persons father. It just is hard to believe when you see their pictures up against the baby. Even the Jamaican is having trouble believing the DNA test. I swear last night I would look at him and I would think - oh yes the Jamaican no doubt! Then I look again, could that be YB face I see in him? Do I see Jw here? Could I have missed someone? Seriously 3am I am laying awake staring at my child thinking this shit. It is crazy. What is even crazier is this is not who I feel I am. I am not an irresponsible person, I am not someone who just does shit with out thinking - except when it comes to sex. 

If someone other than YB is really the father that makes me sad for them. Missing out on lots of things. And I know it is not easy for other people not to know. The whole situation is fucked up. Start to finish - IT is FUCKED UP! Even when I try to make it better I cant.

This is the first day I have felt somewhat normal. I would say I feel maybe 5% better. This is also the first day I have been able to stay in my house all day and heal. Every day since I have left the hospital has been about dr. appts, blood test, back at the hospital, it takes a toll on you. That and I have not had one second to myself all week. Not even to myself but just with me and my children. God Bless people for the help but seriously I sometimes do better when left alone.  

I have finally lost some weight. After I had him I actually gained a few pounds, my doctor telling me this is all the fluids I got during the delivery from hell and not to worry. So I am down almost 20, but let me add I gained almost 56 lbs. So just 36 more to go. That is crazy too. Hoping another ten is fluid as I am still very swollen. 

My house is so peaceful at this moment. A sleeping baby, a quiet child drawing, lunch cooking and almost 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to think out loud. 

I am a little bit surprised by my desire to have sex. One would think that it would leave for a minute, but no.  I guess not even the fucking I need to be gripped up by a man, touched, I need some shit whispered in my ear and have my head pushed down to his dick. I am longing for the moment when he is on top of me, with a rock hard dick ready to slide it into my body. That is one of the best parts. Although I am SCARED about sex. Just seems like it will never be the same again after that delivery. I vividly remember the first time after I had my daughter, it was just as it always was, but this time we were both covered in breast milk. And I love that before you leave the hospital the doctor wants to know what kind of birth control I will be using. And how each and every nurse reminded me how easy it is to get pregnant right after delivery. This seems so  inaffective. Who cares about birth control when you got your whole crotch iced down? You think it is never going to work right after that anyway. Oh and the do you want your tubes tied ? They asked me that a lot too. I feel like I might need a support group for that childbirth experience - I never thought it would ever be that bad, even without drugs I was unprepared for it to be like that. 

Alright I am going, I recongnize my mind is begining to wander. 

It has been a rough week. I spent the last day and half at the hospital with the baby for jaundice, and I hoping we dont have to go back Monday. I have had to had some testing on my legs, because they are so swollen the dr. thought I might have a blood clot... nope turns out just a ridiculous amount of swelling. I will be going back Monday to the doctor if I dont feel any better. This child is a week old and my body feels worse than ever - I thought this was suppose to get better.

Let me just get right to my emotional state. I am getting about 4 to 5 broken hours of sleep per day. Even if someone comes over to help me and keeps the baby downstairs so I can sleep, my body senses his needs and I awake about 2 to 3 minutes before him. It is not pretty. I cry a lot. I began crying almost uncontrollable at the dr. appt wednesday, when i realized I forgot my wallet, my insurance card, all the baby's discharge papers, you know everything I needed. Once I started crying I could not stop, and then she says "Maybe you should have brought someone with you"... really why did I not think about that. If I would have been able to stop crying I would have asked her who I shoud bring. At someone point  I need to do this without help, my family cant bail be out of everything and then the people asking me about my husband. It was particularly fun that my chart said I was married and I had to tell each and every nurse at shift change when she asked "wheres your husband"? You would think I am the only single person to ever have a baby. Filling out the birth certificate was heart breaking, but nothing was as bad as the discharage nurse doing her interview... am I abused? do I have everything I need? do I need a lactation consult? etc and then she said who lives in the home. I say myself and my daughter. She said "awww" and looked at me like I was a pathetic soul. With out even taking a breath I put her in her place, she apologized and we moved on. But that stings a bit. At the hospital when they are quizzing me about my family health history as we try to pin down the reason for the severe jaundice he says " ok now tell me about the father".. ok seriously. I could just fall to pieces and lay there and cry.  I manage to hold it back but dear god I am an emotional mess.

I love my baby, and I dont regret my choice to have him, but I am at a loss on how to get myself back. I feel so lost. I dont know how to get myself together or find peace in this. My spirit is still feeling crushed.

I spent some time looking at these men trying to see who this child looks like. I was so ok with YB being the father. I had come to terms with that, but he really does not look like him at all. I know that sounds like I am grasping at straws but to me there is something that does not seem right. I mistrust that dna test so much that I have delayed the child support until I get the follow up dna test and I must say if it say it is YB I am not even ready to believe it. Too many things dont seem right. Does my punishment for unprotected sex ever end?

Breastfeeding is a difficult too. I am not eating enough just simply because you forget, you pass out and fall asleep, you dont have a free hand. This is not helping my emotional state either.  Does this whole thing not kill the fantasy of breeding.....

I try to think about how things would be diffirent if the father was Jw or the Jamicain, but I am not sure things would really be that diffirent for me. I think this is a lot about me accepting I cant control everything or really anything. The nurse at the hospital and I had a good conversation about this last night about 3am.

I am hoping tomorrow I will find some sleep, some food, and some peace.

The world just does not stop when you have a baby. I am so freaking exhausted and feeling the hormonal shift in my body. Im just going to whine a minute here for a second. Giving life is AMAZING but my god my back hurts from the epidural attempt, my feet are swollen so much my tatto on my foot is distorted, my muscle in my arms still ache from the violent gripping of the hospital bed, my face is breaking out from the hormone changes, and many other unpleasantries. I need about a week in a coma to let my body heal, but my little boy is not letting that happen. I am breast feeding which means I dont get more than two hours sleep at a time. My milk has now fully come in and my boobs are huge and they ache, my nipples hurt more from feeding than any D/s scene ever.

I am incredible grateful for my families help through this, my mom has been sleeping on my couch since he was born. Although she is weary and tonight might be the last night I have with that luxury. My sister has been very helpful as well, better than I expected. I have been ignoring most phone calls and texts just because I am so exhausted.

I was surprised that despite all the pain and stress and all of it that there are times in my day I long to be fucked. I long for that instant relaxation like that would give me the strength to keep going.

Sent off my dna test for confirmation test. This kid looks nothing like YB, but I caution myself to getting to excited about that. He just really looks nothing like him - that god for that but the waiting does suck and frankly if it does come back it is YB I dont even know if I would believe it at this point.

I need to go, as I have so much to do and my baby boy is starting to stir. Looking forward to a day I can let my mind wander again. And for a day I feel like the person I am.

I do think alot about Jw saying to me early in the pregnancy about when the baby is here how I will love him and nothing else will matter. And it is so true, it amazes me the way you can so quickly and deeply fall in love with your child. It is like he should have always been here with me.

Wow, what a weekend...where to begin..

I wrote that post that the baby was no here and went to bed. About 1am I woke up to very regular contractions that got consistently worse and about 4 am made my way to the hospital with my mom. Only 3cm dilated they made me walk an hour or so, then admitted me at 4cm. A little bit of slow progression to 6 and 7cm. I opted for no pain meds at that time because I was handling contraction easily with relaxing my mind and going inside of myself and working through them. Epidural was part of the plan so I was fine with that. About 10am I am 7cm and they have just put the epidural in, but "wait" I yell to the anasteologist as he walks away "this is not working. I am not numb at all, I can move and feel everything. He assure me give it 15 minutes, he might need to put a new one in if I dont get some relief, but he confidently says just give it a few minutes I will be right back. With that contractions kicked into high gear, coming every minute. I work through these with a deep moaning through each one. I am aware I am so loud I can be heard easily outside of my room. This is where I felt control leaving me, my body was writhing in pain and each contraction brought a slew of primal sounds that left all of my support people and my nurses a little stunned. I tell them it is time to push I can feel it. And with all the pathetic soulful distress I can muster I say to my doctor "so there will be no drugs for this" as i whimper. It just occurred to me that my worst fear or doing this with not so much as a tylenol was coming true and my body was violenting contracting at such a fast pace the room took on a hectic pace. A slew of people infiltrate my room as I scream I have to push and she tells me not too... your not ready he is not down far enough.  My body took over and began to push as my doctor talked softly to me and went for it. He indeed was not coiming down with first two pushes, number 3, doctor saw he had the cord wrapped around his neck 2x and this was making it hard for him to come down.  He moved the cord, 2 more life draining pushes and there he was my baby boy, placed on my belly. I could not even touch him, I was in so much pain I was shaking uncontrollably and crying. The only was I feel I can really give a word to the experience is violent. All that action was only about 20 mins, and I realize that is fabulous to only have about 20 minutes of severe pain, but had my first delivery been like this, I promise you I would not have needed another baby. So because red heads bleed more and feel pain more intensely than others, they give me Pitocin to make my uterus contract quickly and halt the bleeding.  That was another intense pain, for which they offered to give me drugs, but that meant I would not be able to breastfeed the baby for several hours. I laid there and sobbed as I watched my baby's first hour of life unfold in front of me.

He is very healthy and even though born at just 37 weeks, is perfect. He did bruise a lot from delivery. When a baby comes to fast they tend to bruise because my body does not have time to stretch to accommodate him. He also had some discoloration due to the cord being around his neck (I don't understand that one but this is what they tell me) His entire head from the top down to his cheek bones was severely bruised, like black. Above his lips and below his nose also black. His arms and legs on the outside were bruised from top to bottom. His eyes were so bruised and swollen I was only able to see his eyes yesterday as he began to get some relief from the swelling and open them.

It has been hard to see what he looks like since he was so roughed up. Last night I pull up some photos of the 3 men. He does not look like YB. Not at all. He is looking more like the Jamaican, I am actually feeling so mistrustful of DNA results I am waiting to send in child support papers because I don't feel like he is the father. I know looks don't really say a lot but he really looks nothing like YB. It does bother me I dont know who his father is, but I know I am his mother and however the chips may fall it will all be ok.

I am breast feeding. And it is rocking my world. Yesterday I fed him every hour for about 20 to 30 mins. I am feeling blessed today he is asleep and peaceful as i have a few minutes to myself.

I am already beginning to forget the intense pain of birth. Our bodies produce ocytocin that helps you forget the pain of birth (how helpful) so even now I realistically remember that I wanted to die, I thought I was going to die, I cant quite get in touch with the desperation of it all and I look at the baby and I am like...eh it was not that bad!

I sent out the follow up confirmation DNA test today so hopefully I will have the results in 2 weeks... All those months of praying I hope Yb is not the father I hope I was specific in my prayers on who I want the father to be. All those months of getting used to the idea of YB and now I am just dumbfound.  It still could be his, I am just saying the kid looks nothing like him... lol it a real Maury episode over here.