Has the blog become obsolete? The very thing that sustained my existence no longer matters to me. It does not matter because  my heart is not lost anymore. I spent hour upon hour exploring myself on those pages, detailing how people treated me, how I treated myself, why I was not good enough. 

I question my motives at this point why I feel compelled to write tonight. I am frustrated with the day to day bullshit of life, infant care, and a very ill mannered 5 year old. But moreover I am almost paralyzed with a feeling that I am not good enough that I do not deserve this relationship with JF. I feel myself slipping into this neg. Attention seeking behavior.  I see what I do and I do not like it. 

And he says things that in reality I know should not hurt my feelings but they do. And not that they just hurt my feelings they send this lump in my throat feeling down through my body as I feel my heart sink and my stomach warm, the words just sadden me beyond his comprehension. Beyond my own comprehension. Why do I feel like I do not deserve to have a man love me? 

I kiss him. I want to know if he likes the way I kiss. Does he feel like I dont want him when I kiss him like all the others? I am afraid to ask. What if he does not like it... How would I even change that. Does he like to have sex with me? Do I make him feel good? I am so afraid to ask because if he said no, or anything hinting of I could do better, I feel like I just might die.

There is so much emotion wrapped up loving this man. I look back to the blog at the night I spent with him almost a year ago. I wrote “I spent the evening with a man that intrigues me more than words”. I remember leaving that night and the other nights I spent with him and smiling the entire way home. I remember not even feeling frustrated in a city I did not feel comfortable in. I just remember how peaceful and happy I felt. I left out details on the blog because even within in my anonymous blog I felt I would be judge for being swept off my feet and allowing myself to feel whatever. 

I remember he was joking introducing me to his roommate as his future wife. Fast forward one year: I have his baby, and I want to be his wife. 

So many things have held me back from loving him. I remember the last time I saw him I told him I was pregnant on the phone and still went to see him. I was overwhelmed and stunned. At that point I had realized I was not going there to have sex with this man, like my intention had been, but I was going there to just be near him. So why continue when I pregnant with what I thought was someone else's baby. I thought about him often, but again why bother. I did not think he really cared for me anyway. How could he.  I came over to lay in his bed and be with him, have sex with him. Even then I felt unworthy. He had something about going out to dinner or something and I remember feeling so incredibly ashamed of myself that I would just end this relationship before I would go anywhere with him. I could not go out with him. I was too embarrassed of what I looked like. I was even embarrassed to be naked with him. I did it, but I was not comfortable. He made want to do better and at the same time brought up all these feelings of self loathing. My body was like a scar of the dark places I had been and I could not hide it. 

During my pregnancy, I thought of him. I cant remember how we connected on Facebook but even as he reached out to me and said his door is always open. I rolled my eyes to myself and thought I would never darken his world with all the sadness in mine. 

So I catch myself looking at him wondering what his thoughts of me are. I want to know what he thinks of me.  He showers me with love everyday. I feel loved with him. He said something that over reacted too and as we were talking about it I just said " I am so broken". I am. I know that this blog gives a lot of insight into how I felt in the last year, but there are no words for the pain I was in and just how devastating it was. So to be blessed in so many ways now I feel like I have a little bit of trouble going with the flow and allowing myself happiness. 

There are many things he does not know about me. This blog, my anger, my intense self loathing and need for reassurance my need to be submissive and guided and yet things just have fallen into place. He has been here a lot and he is planning on moving here in the near future. Too Good to be true? I prayed so long for this and so hard, I will not turn my back on it when it comes. 

I do take a deep breath and check my emotions. Let me just take a few months to make sure this is how I feel. That I feel this way because he is who he is and not just because I had his baby. 

But I am ready for more now. I have spent much time cleaning my mind and my house of temptation and reminders. D's things - hit the trash. T's things in the trash... the hats, the shirts the ticket stubs the photos all served no purpose anymore. Then there is the porn. I have deleted it all off my phone and all off my desktop. And I have taken down all the profiles that I remember having. I want to give this a chance. I want to really give this man 100%. 

I did think we were too diffirent. That our different cultures would be too difficult but I respect him as a MAN. I think about things like maybe we were meant to be together and this is the only way i would get there. The Universe cleaned my life of everyone! Every temptation had been removed. 

I realize I am rambling. One last thing. This has not been all easy for me. To tell someone they can not come see me, is HARD. To Trust is hard. To stop behaving in the way I always have is hard.  Feeling emotions is Super Hard. Acknowledging I have so many issues and I am one fucked up woman was eye opening. Deleting porn is hard. It is like part of me is dying. Not that I am not ready for it. I am , but I am changing. Now I still like what I like, but I am not at the mercy of it to get some small sense that someone might love me. I know now that I am loved. 

Perhaps Jw knew all along that things would change when the baby came, and he needed to move away from me.  I just knew nothing would change about how I felt about Jw. So with with JF here in my home with his son I began to feel differently.

Last week Jw and I had a conversation via IM and I got so angry and said " you cant treat me like nothing because I am submissive". That is how I felt like I was nothing to him. I loved him and he treated me like I was nothing. I understand why he did this but it hurt me. He showed me who he was and I dont ever want to be treated like I am nothing. If you are angry then be angry with me, but do not act like I just do not matter. 

After JF came by last weekend, I felt peaceful like maybe I will be able to find happiness in my life even if not with him but I was not alone in the world and like maybe there was a clear reason for this baby to be born. 

I said to my girlfriend when she asked me about him " I don't understand why but I WANT him. I want him in this inexplicable way" He always looks good and he smelled good. It was like a chemical reaction. I wanted him. I did not tell him this. 

But throughout the week, as we continued to communicate each night, I wanted him more and more. His concern with me, my extraordinary need for sex and abuse and my concern with him is this man feels like a stranger but the same time feels like I belong to him. 

I find myself happy in his presence. Just happy, my spirit sings, I want to be around him. nothing beats feeling this happy. Not even good abusive sex with some Mandingo dick. Nothing feels like this kind of peace. 

So I have to ask myself what is important in my life. Dick with people who say they may love me but never show it or life with someone who loves me and shows it in all parts of his life. This is easy for me to deciede. I want love in my life. I want a partner. I want to live not just exist. 

So I can see and hear Jw saying to himself - I knew it - as he reads this.  And to you I did love you, and i am sorry for the way things happened. I feel happy and I feel loved and if  a condition for me to continue to feel that way is to sacrifice the other people in my life who only have time for me every now and then and do not care for me, then I must sacrifice that. 

Just in case no one noticed -- I have not been living. I have been on the edge of the cliff wanting to die for a very long time. Wanting to die and trying to cope with life enough so you do not find yourself on the bridge one night is draining to the soul. 

So I hear the advice coming already. I know it all. I have had lots of changes in my life, hormones, post partum take time... etc... 

None of it Matters to me anymore. I believe in all my of my spirit God answered my prayer, I believe that my life was thrown into this upheaval for a reason. I could not get rid of people on my own, so God helped do that, but now I have to at least have the balls to say I am going to try to have a real relationship. 

That is the least I can do for myself. 

So I have been deleting temptation from my life, trying to with everything I can to make this work. I am not worried now, I have no desire to be anywhere then here with JF, but I know my weaknesses. If I have too much access and too much time to talk with other people I will have too difficult of a time. 

So I always add the fine print. 

I realize this may or may not work, that I may or may not get hurt, I may or may not come out better off, that everyone i know will be shocked and bewildered but I HAVE TO TAKE A CHANCE AT HAPPINESS!

It it not lost on me - the irony of things that happen in my life. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about what I want and how to get to peacefulness most of the time. I can not pretend that my life has not changed and that so much has been taken away from  me. All this upheaval all this turmoil...should nothing positive arise from the storm?

And so I embark on this journey in my head of letting go of people in my life. Really letting the go. For instance, thinking what I have to think, writing what I need to write and deleting all evidence of them from my life. Letting them go and freeing myself from that cycle of negativity. I feel like I might be ready to stand alone. Really Alone for a minute. In all reality I have always stood alone, behind the facade of whatever relationship I was in. Let me just cut out the bullshit and be real. These are the thoughts I have been having. I have soul searching to understand this. I know for some of you it just seems like the DNA test was wrong whats the big deal. The big deal is just that I do believe that God heard my prayers and i am in awe about that. I prayed every day, I prayed so hard for God to give this child a father who loves him and he did.

But so it seems, perhaps the laws of attraction or the way of the universe testing me is to make offers abundant. Can I say I have had lots of offers for some sexual healing in the last week or so. It is kind of mind boggling to think I want I want I want it so bad and it is no where. I dont want it and it is everywhere. What is that? What purpose does that serve? Just like try try try to get pregnant and nothing, try not to get pregnant and I get a baby. Ridiculousness!

I spent some time with my daughter tonight, just her and I, swimming, out to dinner, because she is needing a little more attention. Her behavior is out of her character and I feel she might need a little extra. It is hard to love your kids through some behaviors, it is. As I was picking up the baby at my moms house, and my mom is walking leaving out, both my kids are screaming and I just shake my head.

We get home and my 5 year old daughter lost it. One hour freak out started because I would not let her have another snack. It broke my heart as my baby girl pushed me away and yellled "get away from me I dont want you" My baby who would run to my arms now pushed me away. I waited for her to stop freaking out and it did not come. I tried to distract, give her options, etc... but nothing. I finally said "I will wait for you to finish, I am not leaving, I love you" And for another 30 minutes she carried on. Then she put her arms out to me and needed to be hugged. I hugged her with everything I had an held her hand as she fell asleep. Children change you, they change everything about you and you would do anything for them. And then they break your heart.

I dont know where sex even fits in. Where? and When? Tonight is not bad 10:30 they were both in their own beds asleep, but not guarantee for that to happen with any regularity.

I stopped by work today. I miss those girls. I miss my job. I miss adults to talk to.

So did the Jamaican really call me and mention that he is back with his girl... that means no dick for me. Ugh. That frustrates me but also gives me relief. Relief I don't have to tell him no. Somethings have got to  change and I just need to cut out some extra. I seriously want dick but that dick does not really do what I need it to, and I need someone who can really use a condom. So that might be ok with me - as if I had a choice. I need to have with just one person, and at least make a whole hearted effort to make that work. At the very least that will ensure I dont get into the who is the babys daddy situation again, and maybe will help with other things too.

JF cleaned the neg. energy out of my room so I and the baby would sleep better. This is why I was seeing this guy in the first place. He helped my energy feel better. I would walk into his room and I was instantly relaxed. Just so peaceful, and nice to know someone who thinks like I do. However, we really disagree on my choice not to circumcise that baby.  I find myself digging my heals into the issue and saying to myself, there is no way we are cutting his penis. And it is the back and forth with that. What is ironic that I love to give up control in my relationships. I love to give that submission and trust in the other person that they are making the best choices. I have trouble giving into anything. Changing the baby's last name was difficult. It is a lot to absorb all of it. I feel so much more at peace, but it is a lot to take in. I was so used to and prepared to do all of this on my own, it is weird to allow him in. Even carrying the baby, I just do it all myself, and he stands there like "I can help" and then it occurs to me I have someone to help. I hand over the baby and watch him and try not to correct everything he does.

And with all good feelings they are followed up by scary ones, like what if he changes his mind? Maybe he will not want to do this for long? Maybe this is just new and fun to him but he will change his mind and not be interested, available, or willing to help. So when he left the other day he left the things he brought to "clean" the room, and when i saw it sitting there on my dresser I thought to myself, ok at least he will come back. Lets remember this man is pretty much a stranger to me, and my gosh is it hard to trust people will not crush my spirit again.

My ex continues to talk shit to me about this situation. He pretends the conversation is about his daughter but manages to throw shit in there that is inflammatory and hurtful every chance he gets, continuously bringing shit about our marriage up. For instance he says "...a month after  I move out you get pregnant....This is my favorite one. He says that to me to shame me, to make me feel like  a whore, and I always respond back in the same way. " I was trying to get pregnant for the 2nd time with someone else while we were married - and you were ok with that". He says the straw the broke the camels back was when I had D over one day when he was out of town and he found out about it. He thought that was the only time. Ok would he really be upset if he knew how often D was there with me, and our daughter. D would put her bed, play with her, just be there with us. He had to of known, he cant be that stupid, when he was working a 12 night shift you really thought I was going to not take advantage of that. He feels like he needs to assert he is my daughters father, to JF, just in case when he is here he feels like he needs to discipline her. I told him to get serious - I don't even let him discipline her. I do all the child rearing here, make all the choices, because my ex-husband is a dope, with narrow minded thinking, and limited capacity to learn and think about things in new ways. I will not raise a child like that.  And this is part of the reason why JF to me is such a relief. I know he will do his very best to nurture this child, to teach him and love him, and I don't have to protect the baby from the stupidity of his father. I said to my ex " Just don't embarrass yourself, and me" I am very embarrassed to have ever been married to him.

I am ready to go back to work. My girl from work called me today, and I found myself missing all the craziness of work. I love my job and the people I work with, I miss it, I miss the time we share just relaxing and talking.

I am still feeling a bit like I am in the twilight zone. Did this really all happen? I can not believe the incredible events that have unfolded before me. I am still in shock from it all. I was so mentally fixated on the idea of having to do all of this alone and this child not having a father I can not quite wrap my head around now there is one here. And as I see a picture of my son in his arms on his Facebook, I am just a little bit taken back. Not unhappy just like Wow.

My mom and my girlfriend both said to me "You seem really peaceful". I feel really peaceful. I feel so relaxed and content, along with unsure and hesitate, but peace out weighs is all.

Again I dont know how things will proceed from this point and I caution myself to keep my expectations low, as lets get serious, he is a stranger to me. I still think about things like sharing input. For instance, I take a religious exemption for vaccines for my daughter. She gets them, almost all of them, but in a time frame I feel comfortable with, and there is something about the government forcing them on me that just does not sit well with me. Nonetheless this is something that we talked about and  something I dont want to have to negotiate.

I have decided, I must has some kind of bigger issue going on, as my body still hurts. The whole thing aches, all the time. I also have problems with word finding and logical thinking. Scary to really think about, but I am really struggling with my body still. I am sure sleep deprivation is  part of the problem, but I find myself not remembering how to get to place I go all the time, I just have trouble thinking. I go to the doctor next week. Maybe its a vitamin definciany? or post traumatic stress disorder? I  don't know but I still really want my body back - it was never perfect, but damm at least it worked.

I need a man near me. I need a man to touch me. I find myself through out my day just stopping and feeling thing pang of lust settle down in my body, as i involuntarily arch my back and throw my head back and let the image of man making love to me sink in to my mind. I don't know where sex fits in any more. I have the kid who never sleeps here and no privacy. Not to mention no one to have sex with. The Jamaican... but you know that does not really do it for me. And I thought to myself I wonder if I can have his Dad watch him so I get out of this house and feel like something other than a mom and personal milk station. I am 70% comfortable with him watching him, but i need to check out his parenting skills just little bit more, before that happens.

My mom finally brought over the camera so I could down load the photos of the birth of my baby. I downloaded but I was not able to view right away. It was all too upsetting. I slowing click through each photo, cringing at lots of things I see. There is this one pic the in the first second he was born as they placed him on my belly, my face, you could see the excruciating pain. It was stunning to me. Too personal to share here, but I had to mention it and then the other stunning picture my Mom took of the umbilical cord being cut, and my entire vagina displayed in the background of the picture. Got to Love it.

I finally told YB he was not the father. The text said "the Dna test was wrong". he said "so what does that mean",  "Bye". No name calling?? I wont be surprised if next week I get some mean texts after it all sinks in for him.

So today I took my son to the doctor and JF joined me. It is very bizarre, the entire thing. Start to finish. We had to take the baby for blood work and then to add him to the birth certificate.  I am not sure my expectations in this. I try to have none. He is still trying to prepare for this and I am still trying to understand this. So I cry at the doctors office, because we all knew I would. I cried when she asked me if i wanted to continue to breastfeed, and I dont. I would love to stop but I feel so guilty as I know it is best for him, I keep doing it, but I am not sure how much longer i can do it. I loathe it. And frankly I am  more interested in my boobs being used in a sexual way than I am them being milked like a damm cow. So I get teared up, we talk about blood tests and I tear up, and finally I cry when my baby starts wailing as they give him a vaccine. Again it is strange to share this stuff with a stranger, who speaks english as a second language is also weird. It was not as horrible as I thought it would be as he always peaceful and at ease. It is me who manages to work myself up into a frenzy over  just about everything. As he was leaving, he gave me some money. I did not ask for any money and I felt strange taking it. I am so used to shouldering all the responsibilities, for taking it all on myself. If I did not need the money I would not have taken it.

 We talked about child care arrangements, who has better more cost effective health insurance, the babys energy and spiritual health, my family his family, allergies, illness in the family. You know all the basics. By the end of the day I found him taking more concern to certain things that I do. "Put the baby in the car, too much sun out here" and other small comments that reminded me that this is real. Wow I really need to share my baby? Like is not my sole responsibility. I am not complaining, I feel like the burden of this has retreated a little and I can at least see that yes i will make it. I will be not dammed to poverty and loneliness forever, and there is someone else to hold this child's spirit together when I am unable to. Someone else to lean on if need be.

So someone says something to me today about having sex with him. That was not on my agenda and I did not think it was on his either. And in all reality, Im not sure I want have sex with him again ever. Seriously, birth control I would be always scared. And that is not how our relationship is or ever was. Sex with him was secondary to why I did go to see him. I went to see him for peace, for spiritual guidance. Not for dick. So with this in my head I thought how would I react if he did want to do that? I dont know how I even feel about that, but him spending several hours with me and it not coming up made me think about 2 things.
1. Is he not attracted to me? Do I look so bad that he does not want me anymore? Why does he not want me? And then to the next self loathing extreme is he embarrassed by me, what does he tell people when they say you did not know you were having a baby, etc? I hope you can appreciate how humiliating that is to say to someone, you are the 4th person I tested for paternity. maybe i just sicken him now?
2. It is so nice to have a father more interested in his child than me. And thank you for not wearing me down all day trying to get some pussy.  (D cared more about pussy than he ever did his daughter, so this is a nice change of pace)

And as I sit back and think about all of the things that have happened to me in the last year, I see that my life did need some upheaval. That God has COMPLETELY rearranged my entire life. Having a father for this baby who i thought would be unloved (by his father) forever is so incredible. I feel like I need to get down on my knees and thank god. How amazing. I know lots of people grow up with out a father but I felt so guilty for the way he was created, i was ashamed. Im not ashamed anymore. Or at least not today.

So I spend a lot of trying to figure out the logic here where maybe there is no logic. Could it really be I needed something so desperately and God gave to me...I have always believed in a higher power, I usually call him God, but to believe and to feel like prayers have been answered are two very different things.

This child and this pregnancy has really changed my life and everything I ever thought about people myself about choices and consequences. In this last year, not one part of my life has been left alone. Not one. It all, top to bottom, start to finish has changed.