I have sat down to blog maybe 3 times since the last post, finding myself mid blog and loosing interest. I just closed the window and walked away. Tonight with two sleeping children before midnight I find myself at ease and wiling to explore my thoughts a bit.

So first, I am still happy. I know it is so brand new but I must say again, this was the way it was meant to be. And I still know nothing is guaranteed in life and still ask you to resist the urge to warn me I am moving too fast, because I know. I am not someone who has not been hurt before. JF has been with me almost every free moment he has had in since the end of May. I have become so comfortable in this idea of monogamy and love. Sometimes I think to myself one day I might regret giving up my lifestyle but for what? There is nothing I can not have with JF, that someone else will give me. And a one time fuck will not beat the overall happiness.

When I would go out and I would see an attractive black man, I would have a physical reaction. I dont have that anymore. I dont get that feeling that I would need to have sex with a stranger.

So the sad part... I really liked the people I had sexual relationships with. Most people who know me know I love or I hate. So if I kept you in my life I really enjoyed your company. So it does make me sad that those people are not longer a part of my life. In the car, I was thinking about people and thinking how maybe I need to fucking stop the madness and let it go. People end relationship everyday and never think twice about it. I am working on it letting it go, part of me still wants a friendship. But what would we talk about anymore...

I have been steadily letting go of stuff in my house. Each week I fill the trash can with bag after bag of things that once meant something to me, and now just feel like they are holding me down. My whole life has changed and the desperate woman who blogged in tears most nights is gone. My home is filled with love not stuff, I walk in my front door and I can feel the happiness in my home. I feel love here. My son is growing fast and still I need to look at him and really see - wow this is my son. I can not believe he is here and I can not believe the story of his life so far.  He is destined for amazing things.

I think one of the main reason this blog is not really a priority for me is because I used it to say things to let them go, but I do that with JF now. He is who I talk to.

So just so we all know I am still in reality, life does still suck from time to time. A newborn is HARD and life just is overwhelming at times and just blows sometimes, but that is just the day to day. Overall I have found peace. And I will cherish it for however long I have it.