Two months since the last post and the urge has come upon me. I must find an appropriate outlet for self expression.  I am not quite sure why this validates my feelings so much but it does. I love it and maybe he was right when he said to me I could never stop blogging. "It is a part of you". I did not believe him them but I see it now, but the content has sure changed.

Life is still fabulous. I know some of you are delighted in that news and others are not. I know some people miss me or the part of me they knew and still others forgot my existence once I know longer provided sexual gratification.

Some of it still surprises me. I misjudged some people. Really misjudged some.

I am a stay at home mom at the moment. I am not sure if I will need or want to go back to work, but for the moment I am a Mom day in and day out. Each and every day there are moments I love it. ( Like the 30 minutes I just spent holding my sleeping boy and marveling in the wonder of the life that came from me) and there are moments where I do not think I can take another second (For example dinner time every night).It is not easy. I was talking to JF today about as a mother you have this primal need to always be with your children and when you are with them you have this unending urge to have some time alone. A cruel paradox.

In an argument (yes we argue ) JF said to me he will leave, my life was good before he came and it would be good again when he left. I could have jumped over the bed and hurt him. A stark reminder for me about how unhappy I was. My marriage was so devastating to my self esteem. I really regret that entire experience and how I wish I had one person to say to me I will hold you up through this if you are ready to leave. I would have ran!

In the recent months my parent and I have been less close. As I continue to grow and learn about myself and revel my serious "daddy issues" and abandonment issues in a  loving relationship, I need some distance. There are some things I HATE about myself.

I have been ill in the last few weeks and people in my life have been calling me from time to time. I just hit ignore. I dont want to do it. I can not be bothered. Sometimes I just need to drop out of life. And today in a conversation with my Mom it occurred to me she does that. I hate that about myself, but at least I can see where that behavior comes from so I can stop.

The Jamaican moved down south. I am excited for him as he needed a new start and I also think we needed some distance. He seemed to have more of an interest in a relationship than I really realized. He wanted to see me before he left - he really thought we were going to have sex again. That really bothered me that he even asked.

I still feel such and incredible feeling of gratitude for the transformation I have been through.  When something reminds me of my past ( and a lot of times smells remind of the past: cologne, cigarettes D would smoke, Heineken, motel rooms) I feel sick by the things I did. Today we were in a parking lot near a hotel I once had a party at. A party where the curtain was open at night and people were fucking me right in front of the window... SMH. I looked up at the hotel and shook my head and thought to myself I can not believe that I really did that.

  And I still know it is all through God's love and power. As I type I shake my head in disbelief that it really happened to me. I prayed so sincerely and my prayers were answered. It makes me feel so loved! I spent all of my life searching for the proof of God, asking question beyond question and now I feel peace and I feel the presense of God in my body, in my mind, in my home, in my spirit.

In the next few months I want to start thinking about where I want my life to be, what my passion in life is. I want to wake up with a purpose, I want to do something in this world, I just dont know what that is. I want to write for fun again. I want to explore my thoughts more.

I have been working on finishing my degree and I write A Lot for my classes. Luckily for me the writing has been really free and I have been able to work my style into a lot of it and that feels good to me, but how to do I move from blogging  to a passion.

Good Morning! I have been so delighted to have the house to myself today. A rarity in my life and I am savoring the time that i will not be tending to children and i will be tending to my own needs! Life just changes with breakneck speed as so as you let it.

I left my job,  I'm not so sure if wrote that last time, but it has been really wonderful. I know how I talked alot about how I had not agreed with a lot of things I had seen there. There is something very taxing on my mind when I know something is not right and everyone turns a blind eye to it. I have really been working on myself and trying to find my desire in life. It is a very monumental task to look at yourself and decide what will help you find and keep peace and allow you to make money.  I should be done school this time, next year, as long as I dont get side tracked.

D has not called me back. I am really good with that. I don't really need that.  If he did show up here, I would invite him in to meet my family. I don't hate him, but he is no longer a factor in my life. As he always said to me "I will always love you, just because you are the mother of my child". SMH. I love him as a person, I wish him the best, I smile on all the memories we have, I thank god for my daughter and hope he finds peace in his heart.

The Jamaican calls me and texts me. He seems to be "checking" to see if I am still committed. It makes me a little uncomfortable when he says things like "how is that sweet pussy". I tell him "ok I am going to get going now". That is not me anymore. I still care about him a lot. I want him to find happiness. I know he struggles a lot. I can not articulate just how monumental his presence in my life during pregnancy and after. He was amazing, strong, comforting, loving and patient. Any women will be blessed to have a man like that in her life.

I have been going to the gym a regularly and I know that the older guy (w) I have known since I was 20 goes there. The one that as soon as I told him I was pregnant and did not know who the father was and i needed to test everyone from that month - he never spoke with me again. 14 years of friendship and nothing! Crazy. I sometimes get upset about seeing him again. I am sure it will happen. He hurt me a lot. Whats wrong with people? Honestly...

The other day I was thinking about JW, and I was wondering what would have come of that had we done things differently. If I did not have the paternity test and he and blended into a family what would my life be like? I would have never been his priority with his whole life being so far away from me. I would have been really a single mother of 2 children. I could never have done it. I dont know how people do it - or do it well. Children really need two parents.

Jw I hope you are doing well and enjoying life.

Brace yourself - I feel like I want to have another baby. I have been feeling like I want that.
I was pregnant a few months ago but I lost that baby early on. I just want to expand our family. I want to finish school and get our business up and running first, but its coming, sooner than later I hope.

As shocking as it maybe me and JF do argue. And this past couple weeks we have be arguing more as the baby has not been sleeping and frankly I feel like a vicious bitch when I cant sleep. I have learned so much about myself when I argue with him. He is not perfect and neither and I, I got so mad at him the other day, I felt like leaving, for the night. Slippery Slope! I thought to myself my history of using sex to cope with stress and angry and thought I should keep my ass in the house. Even though I had no desire to have sex with other people I was a little taken back by the feeling I had, like I wanted to get even. It was crazy, I still have a lot of baggage. I can not even pretend that I am not fucked up from my parents poor example of love, being coaxed into a marriage with a man who could not take care of himself and choosing to self medicate with sex. But I am working on it. And it feels so good to be loved. Loved as person not a source of pleasure.

I feel really powerful with this new found peace.

Update

And almost 2 years later D calls me. All I can do is shake my head at that.  I told him I had moved on and that was engaged and had a baby etc... Did he think that 2 years later I would just welcome him into my life. I was so glad I had no feelings for him like I had. When I heard his voice it did not make me feel good, I was indifferent and I like it that way.  He said he had been in the islands for two years and had to go through so much to get my phone number....I can see his lies so clearly now. I did take sometime to try to explain to him what an impact he had on Levi, telling her he would be back next week and then never showing up again, but is feels so good that it is over. And at least there is no more wondering what is happening with him.  He left it with, he would be back in the states in the coming weeks and he would call me. I am ok if he never does call. I am not going back to life of waiting for him to want me and trying to finance his desire to see me. CRAZINESS! I would like to see a catscan of my brain 5 years ago and my brain today. Seriously I think you would see some changes.

At the moment I am not working and beginning to explore some new career options. My job has always sucked my soul from me and I could not take it any longer. I don't know where I will be getting money from in the near future but I do know I am much happier not going to the fucking place everyday. Any ideas that are not related to porn  please let me know. I really would love to do some writing.

As I continue to explore my relationship with JF, I am amazed how sex is no longer an addiction at all. I even don't want it somedays. I see now that in the past I used sex to make me feel loved or some twisted combination like that. It was not like I was feeling love while I was doing it, but it was not about the sex, I know that now.

I still think about some of those characters in my life. And it almost feels like it was not real at this point. I loved a lot of people as friends, as lovers, I loved them for who they were, for what they did for me. As strange as some of my relationship may seem to outsiders, the people I met, trusted, and played with in the 10+ years I was in the "lifestyle" were my friends! I miss them a lot somedays. Then not at all for awhile. Ours lives are meant to change and evolve. I was trying  so hard to hold onto to things and not let them change or grow.

I also see that there are things about myself I don't love. I don't love my body and I don't love how I let things stress me out. I don't love how intensely i feel things sometimes and the monthly hormone roller coaster I still ride.

I do love that I see hope, I feel love, I know I am loved, that I can see a future with the man that I love and the future is based mutual love and trust. I love that I can give my daughter a positive example of how a man should love a woman.  I love the my possibilities are endless and I see more great things coming. I wish I could post a updated picture of me. I look different. I know I do. I look happy. Even when I dont try, I look happy.

And I feel so grateful for this blog. This blog has been incredibly wonderful resource for me. I have met so many great people, supporters, haters and I have been given a way to checkin in on my progress. This still feels like my old friend, a place I can be myself, reconnect with who I am and where I want to be.

I will keep you updated every now and then. I love the comments too, don't hesitate, I rarely publish them.

I can not believe I still have people viewing my blog daily. Wow!

I have needed to talk to myself in this blog for a few weeks now. I finally found myself with some quiet time and motivation to let my mind go a few minutes.

I can not believe that I am such a different person. I need the name or email of the guy who helped with my MAC last year and I needed to log into my old email to do that. As I was going through the list of old sent email to locate his email, I got a glimpse into the reality of what I used to be.

I was anticipating the feel, that slight burn in my body that signaled the need for some sadistic intense abuse and humiliation. I needed love and yet I was not able to truly experience love. It was so cliche all of it. I was classically the picture of a dysfunctional human being not loving myself, unable to love others, not able to thrive because I used my abuse and sex addiction to distract me.

And it truly was an act of God. I am still profoundly shocked by the fact that I KNOW it is only because God loves me that he took all of those feelings away from me. Even to hear what I am writing I am surprised. I have never someone who believed like that, but in the last few years I grew tired of D treating me like I was nothing, and tired of feeling like I was in this world alone. I began to pray to God. And I did not stop. I prayed for D to be taken away from until I was strong enough to reject him of my own free will, I prayed for a partner in my life, I prayed for the intense burning desire that would pumping through my veins and spur me to get random men to fuck me, would be taken from me.

He took it all. So as I looked through the names and thought of those people who at one time dominated my life, I waiting for that feeling, but it never came. I felt a little bit of sadness for the broken soul I used to be, and I felt a lot of gratitude for the whole person I am today. I just dont have words to describe the incredible transformation.

While there are a handful of people I felt like I connected with on a human, friendship level, and I do miss them at times, but I am not sure what I would even say to them. I am not that girl I used to be.

My life is so peaceful. I work, I am with my family a lot, I laugh, I cry, I have fun, I have a lot of sex, I feel totally fullfilled. My heart feels whole. It is just so amazing! I wish would happen for everyone.

Thank you all for still reading, But I am not sure what you are.

And the guy who would help me with my computer can you email me again, or leave me a comment with your email. I would really appreciate it.

Time seems to not allow me to blog, and find a more appropriate blog title. Having one kid to having two kids makes a huge difference in the amount of free time you have. I virtually have none. Tonight on this rainy night in new jersey, I have just returned home from school to find both kids sleeping peacefully and my fiance sound asleep and I thought to myself, let me not watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and let me catch up on my time to self explore.

First things first
My baby is wonderful, healthy and amazing and almost 9 months old now. My daughter is just is happy and carefree as ever. My baby's father, who was known as JF, has moved into with us, back in September, and recently asked me to marry him. The asking me to marry him and the ring was more of a technicality really I think just to make it more real, because I would have married him months and months ago if I had the extra money to do it, and the only thing that prevents me from doing it now is lack of money.

I knew pretty quickly after he came here for the first time after I had the baby that I wanted him forever.  I was so broken at that time. And in the months since he has been guiding me out of that dark place I was, I have been so renewed in the idea of ...there really can be love like this. An unconditional, unwavering, passionate love that fulfills me. It really has taken me by surprise that sex with someone you love is AMAZING everytime.  I dont think there is anything better than locking eye contact when we have sex, and him smiling at me with his loving smile as he takes pleasure in making my body shake. It sounds so ridiculous, but I did not know this existed, and I would never believe if someone told me.

I got an email the other day from slavefarm.com, evidently they were asking if I still wanted to be part of that site. The pictures that I saw on that site as I unsubscribed were horrendous and made me feel bad for those women who got pleasure from that, because I know something inside of them is broken. That is not a popular sentiment I know. Most people living the lifestyle really object to the idea that there is something wrong with them, but wanting someone to hit you, abuse you to reach orgasm is a little twisted, and just might indicate something is a little less the perfect with how you feel about yourself.

I know my marriage fucked with me so much. There is so much damaged that can be caused by being in a bad marriage, relationship or friendship for that long. I had to do so much to cope with those feelings of rejection and failure. I am so grateful it is over.

So the always realist.... My life is not always perfect now, we do argue, but we dont fight. We disagree and irritate  one another, but I dont ever feel hate for him, I dont ever feel like he does not love me, and his is not trying to do the best by me.

Can I just say, I am still getting used to this kind of love. It is the kind of love I had been giving for so long, but never getting back.

So updates on everyone

D....never called me back. He left my house Aug 13 of 2011, told my daughter he would take her to get her ears pierced next weekend, and I never saw or heard from him again. I have never been so confident that I am over that. And I can see that I idolized D, but how else was I going to cope with that farce I called a marriage. I love my daughter more than anything, but I shake me head as she looks at me some mornings and all I see is D's face. She could not look more like him. I am not sure if I will ever see him or speak with him again. I know that I have done everything in my power to teach my baby girl about where she came from and I have given her 2 good men in her life who love her like she is their own flesh and blood. He will have to explain his choices to her. She does not ask about him anymore, but she does says her skin is dark because his skin is dark and she looks like him. My heart still stops when I get a call from an unknown number.... not out of excitement, but out of dread I dont even want to have the conversation. But now it is different I am not waiting for his love anymore. I dont need it and I dont want it.

Young Boy
I saw him at the mall on Black Friday. Me with my new man and my baby, the one he tried to have me kill. I think I was in shock we made eye contact he looked at me and my man and my baby and we both nodded are head up -as if to say hey. I pointed out who he was and my heart raced in my body. I never knew what it would be like to see him again, I never prepared for it. I did not hate him like I thought I would, but it brought up so much emotions from the year before. I found myself in the bathroom vomiting with in a few minutes, feeling so overcome with the gut wrenching feelings of disgust with my actions and the way my behavior tarnished my pregnancy. I have not seen him since, but I think I am ok now. I forgave myself on that.

The Jamaican
I spoke with him today. He is truly my friend. And I will never forget how he protected me and cared for me when I was pregnant. But we are not ever having sex again.

Is that it? oh wait JW

I had mixed feelings about that, I really loved Jw for a minute and it hurt to see that end, but I knew that was over well before I had the baby. I hear he is happy, we talk time to time. No bad feelings there.


D's brother says hi now and then, and seems to care more about me and my families well being than D.

I really dont talk to much to anyone, lack of time is so intense.

I have restarted some educational pursuits and I am working towards a career change. I feel like i have my sense of self back.

Most days, i get up at 630, get 2 kids ready, drop off at bus, drop at daycare, work, pick up at school pickup at daycare, dinner, out the door, for a 4 hour class and then home to pack everything up for the next day. I walked out of my house the other day and I thought to myself "I am a mother fucking warrior, I can do anything"!

That is what love does for you.

One last amazing thing.

I never ever would ever dress sexy. Wear makeup, any of it. In fact for me, if you needed me to dress up that would be a deal breaker for me.

I wear makeup most days, I get my nails done whenever I have the time, I get my hair done, I wear clothes that are sexy sometimes---and I like it!

I just feel so loved and so blessed in my life. What a miracle!