Time seems to not allow me to blog, and find a more appropriate blog title. Having one kid to having two kids makes a huge difference in the amount of free time you have. I virtually have none. Tonight on this rainy night in new jersey, I have just returned home from school to find both kids sleeping peacefully and my fiance sound asleep and I thought to myself, let me not watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and let me catch up on my time to self explore.

First things first
My baby is wonderful, healthy and amazing and almost 9 months old now. My daughter is just is happy and carefree as ever. My baby's father, who was known as JF, has moved into with us, back in September, and recently asked me to marry him. The asking me to marry him and the ring was more of a technicality really I think just to make it more real, because I would have married him months and months ago if I had the extra money to do it, and the only thing that prevents me from doing it now is lack of money.

I knew pretty quickly after he came here for the first time after I had the baby that I wanted him forever.  I was so broken at that time. And in the months since he has been guiding me out of that dark place I was, I have been so renewed in the idea of ...there really can be love like this. An unconditional, unwavering, passionate love that fulfills me. It really has taken me by surprise that sex with someone you love is AMAZING everytime.  I dont think there is anything better than locking eye contact when we have sex, and him smiling at me with his loving smile as he takes pleasure in making my body shake. It sounds so ridiculous, but I did not know this existed, and I would never believe if someone told me.

I got an email the other day from slavefarm.com, evidently they were asking if I still wanted to be part of that site. The pictures that I saw on that site as I unsubscribed were horrendous and made me feel bad for those women who got pleasure from that, because I know something inside of them is broken. That is not a popular sentiment I know. Most people living the lifestyle really object to the idea that there is something wrong with them, but wanting someone to hit you, abuse you to reach orgasm is a little twisted, and just might indicate something is a little less the perfect with how you feel about yourself.

I know my marriage fucked with me so much. There is so much damaged that can be caused by being in a bad marriage, relationship or friendship for that long. I had to do so much to cope with those feelings of rejection and failure. I am so grateful it is over.

So the always realist.... My life is not always perfect now, we do argue, but we dont fight. We disagree and irritate  one another, but I dont ever feel hate for him, I dont ever feel like he does not love me, and his is not trying to do the best by me.

Can I just say, I am still getting used to this kind of love. It is the kind of love I had been giving for so long, but never getting back.

So updates on everyone

D....never called me back. He left my house Aug 13 of 2011, told my daughter he would take her to get her ears pierced next weekend, and I never saw or heard from him again. I have never been so confident that I am over that. And I can see that I idolized D, but how else was I going to cope with that farce I called a marriage. I love my daughter more than anything, but I shake me head as she looks at me some mornings and all I see is D's face. She could not look more like him. I am not sure if I will ever see him or speak with him again. I know that I have done everything in my power to teach my baby girl about where she came from and I have given her 2 good men in her life who love her like she is their own flesh and blood. He will have to explain his choices to her. She does not ask about him anymore, but she does says her skin is dark because his skin is dark and she looks like him. My heart still stops when I get a call from an unknown number.... not out of excitement, but out of dread I dont even want to have the conversation. But now it is different I am not waiting for his love anymore. I dont need it and I dont want it.

Young Boy
I saw him at the mall on Black Friday. Me with my new man and my baby, the one he tried to have me kill. I think I was in shock we made eye contact he looked at me and my man and my baby and we both nodded are head up -as if to say hey. I pointed out who he was and my heart raced in my body. I never knew what it would be like to see him again, I never prepared for it. I did not hate him like I thought I would, but it brought up so much emotions from the year before. I found myself in the bathroom vomiting with in a few minutes, feeling so overcome with the gut wrenching feelings of disgust with my actions and the way my behavior tarnished my pregnancy. I have not seen him since, but I think I am ok now. I forgave myself on that.

The Jamaican
I spoke with him today. He is truly my friend. And I will never forget how he protected me and cared for me when I was pregnant. But we are not ever having sex again.

Is that it? oh wait JW

I had mixed feelings about that, I really loved Jw for a minute and it hurt to see that end, but I knew that was over well before I had the baby. I hear he is happy, we talk time to time. No bad feelings there.


D's brother says hi now and then, and seems to care more about me and my families well being than D.

I really dont talk to much to anyone, lack of time is so intense.

I have restarted some educational pursuits and I am working towards a career change. I feel like i have my sense of self back.

Most days, i get up at 630, get 2 kids ready, drop off at bus, drop at daycare, work, pick up at school pickup at daycare, dinner, out the door, for a 4 hour class and then home to pack everything up for the next day. I walked out of my house the other day and I thought to myself "I am a mother fucking warrior, I can do anything"!

That is what love does for you.

One last amazing thing.

I never ever would ever dress sexy. Wear makeup, any of it. In fact for me, if you needed me to dress up that would be a deal breaker for me.

I wear makeup most days, I get my nails done whenever I have the time, I get my hair done, I wear clothes that are sexy sometimes---and I like it!

I just feel so loved and so blessed in my life. What a miracle!