I can not believe I still have people viewing my blog daily. Wow!
I have needed to talk to myself in this blog for a few weeks now. I finally found myself with some quiet time and motivation to let my mind go a few minutes.
I can not believe that I am such a different person. I need the name or email of the guy who helped with my MAC last year and I needed to log into my old email to do that. As I was going through the list of old sent email to locate his email, I got a glimpse into the reality of what I used to be.
I was anticipating the feel, that slight burn in my body that signaled the need for some sadistic intense abuse and humiliation. I needed love and yet I was not able to truly experience love. It was so cliche all of it. I was classically the picture of a dysfunctional human being not loving myself, unable to love others, not able to thrive because I used my abuse and sex addiction to distract me.
And it truly was an act of God. I am still profoundly shocked by the fact that I KNOW it is only because God loves me that he took all of those feelings away from me. Even to hear what I am writing I am surprised. I have never someone who believed like that, but in the last few years I grew tired of D treating me like I was nothing, and tired of feeling like I was in this world alone. I began to pray to God. And I did not stop. I prayed for D to be taken away from until I was strong enough to reject him of my own free will, I prayed for a partner in my life, I prayed for the intense burning desire that would pumping through my veins and spur me to get random men to fuck me, would be taken from me.
He took it all. So as I looked through the names and thought of those people who at one time dominated my life, I waiting for that feeling, but it never came. I felt a little bit of sadness for the broken soul I used to be, and I felt a lot of gratitude for the whole person I am today. I just dont have words to describe the incredible transformation.
While there are a handful of people I felt like I connected with on a human, friendship level, and I do miss them at times, but I am not sure what I would even say to them. I am not that girl I used to be.
My life is so peaceful. I work, I am with my family a lot, I laugh, I cry, I have fun, I have a lot of sex, I feel totally fullfilled. My heart feels whole. It is just so amazing! I wish would happen for everyone.
Thank you all for still reading, But I am not sure what you are.
And the guy who would help me with my computer can you email me again, or leave me a comment with your email. I would really appreciate it.