And almost 2 years later D calls me. All I can do is shake my head at that. I told him I had moved on and that was engaged and had a baby etc... Did he think that 2 years later I would just welcome him into my life. I was so glad I had no feelings for him like I had. When I heard his voice it did not make me feel good, I was indifferent and I like it that way. He said he had been in the islands for two years and had to go through so much to get my phone number....I can see his lies so clearly now. I did take sometime to try to explain to him what an impact he had on Levi, telling her he would be back next week and then never showing up again, but is feels so good that it is over. And at least there is no more wondering what is happening with him. He left it with, he would be back in the states in the coming weeks and he would call me. I am ok if he never does call. I am not going back to life of waiting for him to want me and trying to finance his desire to see me. CRAZINESS! I would like to see a catscan of my brain 5 years ago and my brain today. Seriously I think you would see some changes.
At the moment I am not working and beginning to explore some new career options. My job has always sucked my soul from me and I could not take it any longer. I don't know where I will be getting money from in the near future but I do know I am much happier not going to the fucking place everyday. Any ideas that are not related to porn please let me know. I really would love to do some writing.
As I continue to explore my relationship with JF, I am amazed how sex is no longer an addiction at all. I even don't want it somedays. I see now that in the past I used sex to make me feel loved or some twisted combination like that. It was not like I was feeling love while I was doing it, but it was not about the sex, I know that now.
I still think about some of those characters in my life. And it almost feels like it was not real at this point. I loved a lot of people as friends, as lovers, I loved them for who they were, for what they did for me. As strange as some of my relationship may seem to outsiders, the people I met, trusted, and played with in the 10+ years I was in the "lifestyle" were my friends! I miss them a lot somedays. Then not at all for awhile. Ours lives are meant to change and evolve. I was trying so hard to hold onto to things and not let them change or grow.
I also see that there are things about myself I don't love. I don't love my body and I don't love how I let things stress me out. I don't love how intensely i feel things sometimes and the monthly hormone roller coaster I still ride.
I do love that I see hope, I feel love, I know I am loved, that I can see a future with the man that I love and the future is based mutual love and trust. I love that I can give my daughter a positive example of how a man should love a woman. I love the my possibilities are endless and I see more great things coming. I wish I could post a updated picture of me. I look different. I know I do. I look happy. Even when I dont try, I look happy.
And I feel so grateful for this blog. This blog has been incredibly wonderful resource for me. I have met so many great people, supporters, haters and I have been given a way to checkin in on my progress. This still feels like my old friend, a place I can be myself, reconnect with who I am and where I want to be.
I will keep you updated every now and then. I love the comments too, don't hesitate, I rarely publish them.