Good Morning! I have been so delighted to have the house to myself today. A rarity in my life and I am savoring the time that i will not be tending to children and i will be tending to my own needs! Life just changes with breakneck speed as so as you let it.

I left my job,  I'm not so sure if wrote that last time, but it has been really wonderful. I know how I talked alot about how I had not agreed with a lot of things I had seen there. There is something very taxing on my mind when I know something is not right and everyone turns a blind eye to it. I have really been working on myself and trying to find my desire in life. It is a very monumental task to look at yourself and decide what will help you find and keep peace and allow you to make money.  I should be done school this time, next year, as long as I dont get side tracked.

D has not called me back. I am really good with that. I don't really need that.  If he did show up here, I would invite him in to meet my family. I don't hate him, but he is no longer a factor in my life. As he always said to me "I will always love you, just because you are the mother of my child". SMH. I love him as a person, I wish him the best, I smile on all the memories we have, I thank god for my daughter and hope he finds peace in his heart.

The Jamaican calls me and texts me. He seems to be "checking" to see if I am still committed. It makes me a little uncomfortable when he says things like "how is that sweet pussy". I tell him "ok I am going to get going now". That is not me anymore. I still care about him a lot. I want him to find happiness. I know he struggles a lot. I can not articulate just how monumental his presence in my life during pregnancy and after. He was amazing, strong, comforting, loving and patient. Any women will be blessed to have a man like that in her life.

I have been going to the gym a regularly and I know that the older guy (w) I have known since I was 20 goes there. The one that as soon as I told him I was pregnant and did not know who the father was and i needed to test everyone from that month - he never spoke with me again. 14 years of friendship and nothing! Crazy. I sometimes get upset about seeing him again. I am sure it will happen. He hurt me a lot. Whats wrong with people? Honestly...

The other day I was thinking about JW, and I was wondering what would have come of that had we done things differently. If I did not have the paternity test and he and blended into a family what would my life be like? I would have never been his priority with his whole life being so far away from me. I would have been really a single mother of 2 children. I could never have done it. I dont know how people do it - or do it well. Children really need two parents.

Jw I hope you are doing well and enjoying life.

Brace yourself - I feel like I want to have another baby. I have been feeling like I want that.
I was pregnant a few months ago but I lost that baby early on. I just want to expand our family. I want to finish school and get our business up and running first, but its coming, sooner than later I hope.

As shocking as it maybe me and JF do argue. And this past couple weeks we have be arguing more as the baby has not been sleeping and frankly I feel like a vicious bitch when I cant sleep. I have learned so much about myself when I argue with him. He is not perfect and neither and I, I got so mad at him the other day, I felt like leaving, for the night. Slippery Slope! I thought to myself my history of using sex to cope with stress and angry and thought I should keep my ass in the house. Even though I had no desire to have sex with other people I was a little taken back by the feeling I had, like I wanted to get even. It was crazy, I still have a lot of baggage. I can not even pretend that I am not fucked up from my parents poor example of love, being coaxed into a marriage with a man who could not take care of himself and choosing to self medicate with sex. But I am working on it. And it feels so good to be loved. Loved as person not a source of pleasure.

I feel really powerful with this new found peace.