Two months since the last post and the urge has come upon me. I must find an appropriate outlet for self expression.  I am not quite sure why this validates my feelings so much but it does. I love it and maybe he was right when he said to me I could never stop blogging. "It is a part of you". I did not believe him them but I see it now, but the content has sure changed.

Life is still fabulous. I know some of you are delighted in that news and others are not. I know some people miss me or the part of me they knew and still others forgot my existence once I know longer provided sexual gratification.

Some of it still surprises me. I misjudged some people. Really misjudged some.

I am a stay at home mom at the moment. I am not sure if I will need or want to go back to work, but for the moment I am a Mom day in and day out. Each and every day there are moments I love it. ( Like the 30 minutes I just spent holding my sleeping boy and marveling in the wonder of the life that came from me) and there are moments where I do not think I can take another second (For example dinner time every night).It is not easy. I was talking to JF today about as a mother you have this primal need to always be with your children and when you are with them you have this unending urge to have some time alone. A cruel paradox.

In an argument (yes we argue ) JF said to me he will leave, my life was good before he came and it would be good again when he left. I could have jumped over the bed and hurt him. A stark reminder for me about how unhappy I was. My marriage was so devastating to my self esteem. I really regret that entire experience and how I wish I had one person to say to me I will hold you up through this if you are ready to leave. I would have ran!

In the recent months my parent and I have been less close. As I continue to grow and learn about myself and revel my serious "daddy issues" and abandonment issues in a  loving relationship, I need some distance. There are some things I HATE about myself.

I have been ill in the last few weeks and people in my life have been calling me from time to time. I just hit ignore. I dont want to do it. I can not be bothered. Sometimes I just need to drop out of life. And today in a conversation with my Mom it occurred to me she does that. I hate that about myself, but at least I can see where that behavior comes from so I can stop.

The Jamaican moved down south. I am excited for him as he needed a new start and I also think we needed some distance. He seemed to have more of an interest in a relationship than I really realized. He wanted to see me before he left - he really thought we were going to have sex again. That really bothered me that he even asked.

I still feel such and incredible feeling of gratitude for the transformation I have been through.  When something reminds me of my past ( and a lot of times smells remind of the past: cologne, cigarettes D would smoke, Heineken, motel rooms) I feel sick by the things I did. Today we were in a parking lot near a hotel I once had a party at. A party where the curtain was open at night and people were fucking me right in front of the window... SMH. I looked up at the hotel and shook my head and thought to myself I can not believe that I really did that.

  And I still know it is all through God's love and power. As I type I shake my head in disbelief that it really happened to me. I prayed so sincerely and my prayers were answered. It makes me feel so loved! I spent all of my life searching for the proof of God, asking question beyond question and now I feel peace and I feel the presense of God in my body, in my mind, in my home, in my spirit.

In the next few months I want to start thinking about where I want my life to be, what my passion in life is. I want to wake up with a purpose, I want to do something in this world, I just dont know what that is. I want to write for fun again. I want to explore my thoughts more.

I have been working on finishing my degree and I write A Lot for my classes. Luckily for me the writing has been really free and I have been able to work my style into a lot of it and that feels good to me, but how to do I move from blogging  to a passion.