End of the Road for 2020

 So my night is coming to an end, having our kid friendly 2021 celebration as the clock turned 8p and I am ripe with 2020 memories that need to be left behind with this shit storm of a year. In my family we do the rose, the thorn and the bud and so keeping with that tradition I want to go back and highlight my highlights and lowlights. 

Thorns first. My first thorn is the end of my relationship with JF. It was the end of my family as I have known it, it was the end of my fantasy of family life, it was the end of so many dreams and hopes I had to grow old with this man. Next, D. D is my thorn in every way I can think of. He sadly brought me much more sadness and unhappiness then he brought me pleasure. The bad defiantly out weighed the good and to an extent I lost my faith in "us" and I know in some ways I gave up on him. That was a sad process to get through. The French guy also a huge thorn. So many things I wish I would have done wish I would have said, so much animosity for the way he violated my body. Then there are the thorns we all have from 2020, the quarantine and the pandemic. My job destabilization was a huge mess and stress for me as well. 

The Roses. The making my house my own again. There was something so powerfully sweet about removing JF shit from my space. It was taking my power back and it felt good. The breakup also a rose because my general level of happiness increased and my stress level did decrease with him out of my face. A wonderful rose was having sex with someone new. In this moment I can not remember who it was (hanging my head in shame) that I had sex with and cut the ribbon so to speak, but the fact that after all these years I did it was amazing. Getting back to the blog has been amazing and so satisfying to me. The neighbor encounters have most defiantly been a very unexpected rose. My friendship with my other neighbor that has been so supportive and needed over that last year has been amazing. Reconnecting with some good old friends like JW and T has been good for my spirit. Meeting new people over all has been positive. 

And the bud. This year I am going to look for a relationship with someone who is not vanilla. I want to try to go into a relationship with a knowledge that I am not a vanilla girl and I don't want to be. I look forward to more of a sense of closure with JF and him and I finding our footing as parents. Im excited to see what experience the universe has to offer me and I am open to them. 

I also want to pat myself on the back a minute for being honest with G, the guy I met who is making me feel some feelings, it would have been easy for me to lie to him and have sex with whomever I want and he would be none the wiser, but I did what I felt was right and what was inline with my values and I don't always do that so I am very proud of myself. It did not feel good to say the things he did not want to hear and not be able to make him happy with my just telling him what he wanted to hear. Although it did feel true to myself and really helped me to get an idea of just what I want from my life. (Or at least what it feels like I want right now) I am not sure G even believes me when I say I can not do monogamy but I have been as honest as I can be and I happy to leave it at that.

Overall 2020 had a lot of lessons for me to learn and I hope I took what I needed from it because I never would want to do it again!

Pre gaming

 I often don't know if I should write in the moment when I have this passion of the encounter pumping through my veins or wait a day or so to settle all settle so I can think about it. This time I let is all settle. 

I have plans with G for the other night. We were going to meet around 4. I had to drop my kids off with my ex (not JF) for the night at 230. I was feeling so much angst for lack of a better word and sexual frustration that in a moment which I can only describe as a giving in to my body's animal urges I text the neighbor and as him if he can "come over like now". Some how he miraculously could or in 20 minutes he could. I was like hell yes, please come over. I needed to cum so bad, it was like one of those moments that I felt starved and I needed it right then and there. I also wanted to spend time with G and get to know him and not feel this intense need for dick the first second I see him. There is two problems with that. First my intention is / was to get to know him on a different level then sex and second when I feel like that it is almost impossible for me to feel satisfied. I need a lot of fucking to feel like I am good. A first time encounter is rarely going to give me that. So for all of those reason I need a little pre-game with the neighbor. I shared with him that I was going to out later and said "men do this kind of thing right before meeting someone new, like cum so they are not so quick latter". He laughed and said "I've never done this".

Same as usual, he comes in the house and right upstairs, I am ready and a really nice flow has developed he gets undressed, I am half naked when he gets there, I suck his dick, he fucks me nicely. This time I used my magic wand. And to be honest in the 20 minutes I waited for him I made myself cum twice with it. I feel like I am not have the same intense orgasm with men as I am having with the magic wand. I want to feel it with men but I am not getting there, and when I use the magic wand with them it feels to me like they are just secondary place holder while handle this magic wand. He is good at fucking, I will give him that. I never would have guessed. Ever. Either way we finished and cleans up he bounces. I felt good but I did still used the wand one more time. Then I got in the shower and got ready to go. 

We met and I like him. Part of me is feeling frustrated with the accent because I have to work to understand somethings but it is not bad at all. He was very much into to kissing, which I do no love. I don't mind kiss a little bit but the tongue thing just makes me want to gag, I want none of it. It was not bad though. I feel like he responded to me and started to feel limits. I noticed though with any kind of intimate touching I feel weird. It is hard for me to explain but it is like I feel myself creating this force field around me so I don't feel anything and I just pretend the intimacy is not happening until it is over. I feel the touch and I like but I can not reciprocate and I can't even allow myself to enjoy it. Things move around a bit and I was sucking his dick. This son of bitch came in my mouth and then held my head there as I tried to pull away. I was so disgusted, I got up naked, walked alll the way to the bathroom and was wrenching in the sink trying to vomit completely. I don't even remember the last time a man has cum in my mouth. These men lately just fucking think they can cum anywhere. I was quite mad, he apologized and said he tried to warn me. How about you just pull out of my mouth that would be good enough of a warning. I got over it as we talked some more. We did fuck 2 more times. For me it is always the moment right before and as the man spreads your legs apart and comes close to your body nd slides his cock into you body. It is such a powerless moment when you are being mounted. It is always what I remember the most.  It was good. Different then the kind of sex I am used to. I am used to men fucking me and he wanted me to touch him all over and this and that. That was kind of new for me and not really what I am used to. I always go back to D but D never asks me to do much of anything for him. He is in control of what he needs or wants and I guess I just do what he need automatically. I do touch D intimately. That took years and years for me to get to the point where I could kiss him on his neck if I wanted to while he was fucking me. I can wrap my arms and legs around him and feel his ass moving up and down as he is fucking me, but this did not come overnight. This come after YEARS of this man consistently making me feel comfortable in the bed and in ever sex act we have ever done he has always made me feel wanted and desire and like I have done a good job. 

The night ended kind of early, he was tired and I really wanted to be home to enjoy my home alone with no kids. I was home by 930 and very happily went to bed alone in my house with no partner. I loved it. 

Today I tried to explain to him that I don't think I can do a monogamous relationship. He mentioned that in a conversation today. Monogamy feels to constricting to me right now and I don't want to lie. I like him but the thought of no neighbor dick, no D dick, do any other dick again feels like a noose around my neck. I can not do it. So I told him that. He is really nice. I mean if he was open to an open relationship then I would be down for it but he is not....I have not asked but I am very certain I don't need to ask. 

Today JF called to talk to the kids, he says that there has been no connection so whatever that means. Anyway he talked to the kids and then I spoke with him for a few minutes. It made me sad, the whole conversation. I had to hold back tears. Part of missed his face seeing him smile there on the video. I missed his presence in my life. To be clear I still very much miss the love that we used to share. I don't think it is gone with either of us I just don't know how we get it back. We will say what he says when he gets back. He said he has been thinking of his priorities and we will talk when he returns. 

Already Rolling Downhill

So here I go again. There is this guy who caught my interest. I feel like there is so many but this is like caught my interest in a serious way, like I guy I could actually date. Sounds like a lot but really since I started looking for people it was only the French guy and this new guy that I even considered in the way of being with in a real relationship, meaning something other that just sex. 

So the new guy, lets just establish his alias now, he will be G for identification purposes here. He is around my age and he is not from the USA. It is like I have some kind of radar and lures me to foreign borne men.  He is from someplace in Africa. Now, I feel like I need to say, I also had my reservations about this. I feel like one African man in my life was more then enough...but he started to grow on me. I know African men get a lot of shit said about them but in my experience they are no different then every other man I have ever met. I feel  like you all are all thinking that because he is African he is a womanizing dominate man. Now keep in mind I have only gotten close enough to him to agree to go on a date with him. I have not even met him in person, but he is catching my attention. He is making me think. 

Mostly I think about all the ways a relationship with him could end. It has not even started and I am already prepping for its demise. JF hurt me so much I am not sure I am even in a place where I am readying to even entertain the idea of being in a relationship with a person. I think that he is a busy hardworking person and like me does not have loads of undevoted time. I like that. I like that we would need to make a choice to see each other and plan and that it would not take away from my kids. 

He also makes me think about monogamy. This is not a lifestyle man. This is not a man that I think would be interested me sharing me. I know I said no monogamy but Im just trying this out. We might have not chemistry or we might have a lot. I don't know but I want to try to just see what is out there in this world. It is not like I am making a commitment, I just want to meet this man that has made me feel some feelings. 

I am very much protective of my own feelings because of JF and really how much I gave myself to him 100% in the beginning and how he did not understand the sacrifice that was and had bad it hurt to let him go. I remember the moment that I decided in my head that I was going to go back to seeing D. I remember feeling so fed up with JF not paying attention to me and not making me feel loved and knowing that D would fill that void.  I just want to move slowly but I am not sure that is his intention. 

We shall see. In true 2020 spirit I got my period a full 5 days early so my date with him tomorrow will likely end in a hug goodbye because who wants to have period sex the first time. Thanks universe for helping me remember that sex is not everything. 

I find myself thinking about what to wear and things that I have never given much thought to in such a long time. This is new to me. God help me I think this boulder already started to roll down hill. 

In other news, D called me, I still did not feel the butterflies. I felt indifference again. He wanted to see me but I knew the one day I had to myself this week was going to be with G.

I have had a strong desire to see the white guy again. I saw him again while he was on his walk. I really liked his dick and they way he talks to me when he fucks me.

Bad Things Come in 3s

 I am sure if you go back through the blog you will see me  talking about how much I hate Christmas year after year.  This  year was no different.  I am no at all religious so there is not religious ceremony for Christmas for me. Christmas Eve is usually spent with my Mom as it is her birthday and family time and gift exchanges. Christmas Day is always just with my children and when JF was in the picture he would make his African food and invite a friend or two over for dinner.  I keep it low key as possible because it is so chaotic and stressful for me because even when JF was with me it was my sole responsibility to do everything for this fucking holiday. And it is a lot of anticipation and build up for the kids. My one child really does not handle it well.  To me it all just feels like too much stress for nothing. 

This year Covid canceled our family get together. This sucks because it was the only good part I liked. The cousins playing, fun gift exchange so my mom made us all dinner and dropped it all off. It was nice of her. We zoomed gift opening. That part sucked.

This year on the 23rd my hot water heater stopped working. Late in the day it was clear I had not hot water. It is 10 years old so I guess it is almost at the end of its life. In this realization of the hot water heater not working I begin to plan ahead about showers and such considering my parents don't want us in their house. I call the plumber,  we troubleshoot for awhile, he lets me know it will be $2200 to replace and he can only do it Saturday. Long story short the troubleshooting seemed to have fixed the problem and I did eventually get hot water. 

On the 24th about 2pm I start feeling cold, it was warm out so I did not notice that the thermostat, (Nest) was off-line. I have no heat now for some reason. Here I go again. I fucking start trouble shooting the thermostat to no avail. I go to home depot promptly before they close to grab a new thermostat so I will have heat for the night and come home to rewire the new thermostat, which ends up not working, and then rewire the old one with a work around because it has a bad wire receptor. Happy Chirstmas. As I am doing all this again I am trying to not freak out and think about what we are going to do with out heat on Christmas Eve. Long story short about 6pm I get the heat to kick back on. We eat dinner. I am mentally numb we all go to bed. I set the alarm for 2am so I can be Santa and put all the gifts out. I pray I hear the alarm and go to bed. 

On the 25th, the kids let me sleep to 830 which was nice. They open gifts and all was well. One got a skateboard and so they wanted to ride together in the basement because it was miserable out. I think they were down there 5 minutes when my oldest did something and the board hit her in the ankle and she could not walk. We iced it, we elevated it, I gave her Motrin but in the end her Dad had to bring her to the ER to make sure it was not broke.(She has a history of breaking bones with very little effort). Turns out it was not broke but just a very deep bone bruise. BTW JF never called the kids and did not contribute one bit to Christmas gifts. 

I feel like the last three days were like some kind of marathon of how much can a single mother take before she looses he shit. Well evidently that was it because I lost my shit this morning. My son either never fell asleep last night or woke up and went downstairs and DESTROYED the house. He is 8. There was candy all over the floor, cookie pieces and crumbs all over, every toy he got open-end, torn apart, directions gone pieces missing. I lost it today. I was getting so angry I felt like I was ready to send him to a group home because frankly I don't know how much more I can take. I was in my pajamas and sneakers and I walked out to my car to take a drive so I did not abuse my kid and who do I see, I look up and there is the Neighbor out walking his dogs. I can't even smile. I am beyond angry. I ended up taking an Ativan and going to bed for two hours before I could even calm down enough to be near that kid. 

The rest of the day was a bit of a wash. I remember cleaning and sleeping and that is about it. Being a single mother is so hard. It is way harder than I think people imagine. It all rides on me. The delicate balance of my kids life rides on my shoulders and if I so much as breath to deep I feel like it is all going to come crumbling down. 

But of course, true to self, I keep talking with men to suss out the interesting from the not. I don't even know what I am looking for other than some kind of connection. I don't know what kind that is but I know it when I feel it.  

I might meet someone new on Tuesday, maybe for an actual date... I don't know, right now I feel like I will just cry as soon as he touches me because I am so stressed. I don't want to do that so we will have to see how the week progresses. I cried with T the first time he and I had sex, which I think was the 2nd time I saw him. 

I am going to try to sleep off the stress of the last few days and hopefully start fresh again tomorrow. 

Take It or Leave It

I was very struck today by the realization that I still have not let go of JF. I was talking to a man today about relationships and such and I’m really surprised about just how hurt I am about JF and how jaded I feel like I am when it comes to thinking about a relationship. Fear is navigating my actions. I’m so afraid of being let down like I was by JF that I’m not sure I could mentally survive another kick to my heart.  These are big issues that JF failed to succeed in. It was not like he cheated he emotionally abandoned me then made it seem like it was me.  It is one thing to emotionally abandon your family but to turn it around and act like I’m the crazy one or I’m the reason because “ I did not want him “ is bullshit. I feel like I’m the most ride or die bitch out there so for me to pull the plug on it means it was severely toxic and damaging. 

The money all the money he took from me.  An Amont I am not even sure I am comfortable acknowledging in my head. It is ALot! I backed him when no one else would I proudly stood beside him and he has shown very little appreciation or respect of this. I take care of our children alone and he is free to do whatever it is he does but at the very least he could support me as the mother and only caregiver to his children. He almost taunts me when I talk to him. I’m am always ready to argue but he does not even acknowledge the things i says he pretends I said nothing. I used to see this man as so kind and loving. He was nurturing and sincere. Now he is none of those things. I sometimes miss him but I mostly hate him.  I asked him about where his priorities are today. His response is I’m thinking of that and we will talk when he gets back to the USA   

Today in true 2020 fashion my heater stops working. I’m in the middle of making dinner but only have an hour to to Home Depot so I start troubleshooting. Long story short I spend an hour troubleshooting rewiring the thermostat etc. I finally have success! But what I also have is bitterness that I should not have to do all this shit on my own.  I’m not a girl who can’t take care of shit but it’s unfair and unreasonable that I should have do everything in the home maintenance, do everything in child rearing, work a full time job. I did not agree to be a single mother of 3. This is not what the goal was and even love wAs not enough to help me tolerate the apathetic treatment I received. 

I need to let it go. I need to acknowledge all the sadness and turmoil and let go and hope if I have another relationship it will not end in the same way. 

I feel stupid like he tricked me Into this whole thing bc he knew I would make life easier for him. So there is the embarrassment I have that I feel for it and that he never loved me in the way I love him. He loved me in a take order leave type of way. I loved him in a committed partner way. 

Whore

 Someone brought to my attention that I use the word whore a lot in my writing and asked me to further explain that meaning of that word to me. Whore is this deeply stinging word that sets a women apart from other women who maybe just a slut (enjoys sex but not overtly so). The whore is unashamed of her status and her cares nothing of what be labeled a whore will do to her life. A whore is more of a public figure because people know her secrets. I don't equate any of these words in a negative light. Being called a whore does not hurt me at all, it feels just indifferent. If someone called me mean-spirited or of poor character that would be upsetting but whore and slut are just sex terms. Those never hurt my feelings. 

I talked to this guy the other day from the website and "double pussy penetration", I body perked up ad I thought, people do this, I want this but maybe I did not know people do this. And just as I felt excited about trying that out and the visuals of two long dicked men sliding their dicks into me at the same time I feel my pussy throbbing and then in an instant I felt my mind kind of disgusted by the gross use body defamation for lustful pleasure. I still want it but it also makes me feel ashamed that I want it. What am I an animal? I can not control this type of urge? I did not pursue this conversation with this man anymore but I think it is better to let that go. I can see how getting involved in that can make the line of normal healthy sex blur into unhealthy addicting sex that always wants to try the newest extreme. I think it is best I leave that be, but I do want to play with double penetration at some point in my life. 

As I go through he motions of getting things together today I am reminded about just how single I am. My hot heater was not working. I have to call the plumber and troubleshoot with him. I have to take the kids to get their hair cut (what do I know about a boys hair cut, I want his Dad to take him for hair cuts). I want someone here to help in some one. JF does not know how to parent even from a far he takes that time to disconnect even further and barely speaks with the kids and it is almost always when we call him. He constantly drops the ball in life and seems to no excel in anything. It is like he gets in his own way. Im not sure what his life will look like when he gets back here but I do know I want him to be a father to these children. He is going to need to figure it out, or worse I am going to have to teach him. He has been on my shit list this past week. I am pretty firm that I have seen enough of his behavior on this trip to know that he can't care about me and he is not going to fight for this. 

In other news, I spoke to another man originally from Africa today. I did not know he was African until we spoke. This made me nervous. I am somewhat jaded from the experience with African man. I worry that African man will be the same man JF will be and even as we spoke he thoughts on things were so similar to JF. It is like they could be related the way the feed me the same lines. I am not accepting this. I talked with him, but I was not taken with him. He seems lovely but they all do. I am very wary and feel like I can not image this going anywhere just based on the African cultural experience. I learned a important lesson with the French Man, they speak a good game but don't trust them. 

I sound like I have been doing this for awhile and I am so bitter.... but looking for real life connections is hard work. It is a lot of listening and sharing and trying to figure out the next step and wondering if I can ever ask for a dick pic because if the dick is not there, I will not be either. I will not be sucked into a relationship with the magical sounds of his voice or the lines he gives me. 

Nonsense.

 I pulled up in my driveway, backing in and as I look up there is the neighbor walking his dogs past my car with his kids. He does this every single day so I knew I would see him. He shoots be this "kid in the candy store" grin and never breaks his stride. I give the head nod, but I feel odd. Here I am just going about my day and bam a in person reminder that I am a freak. I can't help but think what he really thinks of me, I mean is he secretly thinking "I fuck this whore down the street" or is it more of like "there is this neighbor who likes the same shit as me". I wonder but I know better then to ask, I am not trying to be friends with him. I just want him to stop by here and there. 

I am feeling a lot of anger today and the last few days. There are a few reason for the anger. One is biological, Im ovulating and that always makes me hormonal and angry. I am also weening myself of an antidepressant. This is not easy. This might be the night that has me calling the doctor tomorrow and tell him I can not do it. Im also profoundly tired to not getting what I want!

I have this friend, she is a black women and she has never been in a long term relationship since I have known her which is probably 13 years now. She got pregnant and had a baby with this guy who seriously treated her like nothing and she was like "Im done". She would see men from time to time but she always had a wall of protection up, which usually just looked like a bad attitude and emotional ineptness. I never understood her position. How did she so easily (or easily to me) give up on the idea of having a partner in life? But good Lord almighty tonight in this moment I don't give a shit if I ever has another man in my life again. I don't mean sex I mean I don't care if I ever love another person as long as I live because it is nothing but exhaustion and compromise and sacrifice and for what? So you can do all that work to keep a relationship going and then someone gets tired and boom relationship is over and it all was for nothing.  I'm not really for it tonight. I have my attitude and guard up and I can not be bothered with the nonsense. 

And let me just clarify the nonsense.

-My fucking neck is still sore from D.....

-JF not being able to figure out how to sustain a relationship with his children, not understanding that it is not my soul responsibility to raise our children and teach them everything they need to know, and financially carry him his kids all of it. JF makes me really feel like he is incapable of being a father. He had a strong father influence on him growing up I am not sure what needs to happened to him to get invovoled in his kids life. I called him and wanted to fight with him today. He won't engage with me. He knows I want to fight but he just keeps it cool and deflects and says I will talk with you tomorrow. 

-French Guy for being such an asshole to say I have too many men but you read the blog and you know ecactly what you were walking in, and fuck him for force his unwanted cum on me. The rage I feel tonight he would have got punched in the face for that shit. Ive got no problem hitting a man for that!

-Countless messages on the dating website that say stupid shit and are like a slap in the face to those of us where were trying to at least meet new people. 

-Fuck the people I talk to and like and drop off the planet. Fuck the people who ask me "are you really submissive" (which can only be said in my head with the Beavis and Butthead voices). What do people think submissive is? You can understand a women innate desire to be submissive in a relationship and I have to explain that shit to you then you might as well keep it moving. 

And there is T, and JW who amuse me and dare I say care about me in some way on some level and treat me like a person. They listen to me on the phone, they seem to care about me. They in general they give me hope, I mean they are both married so that is of little use to me but their company is nice and often refereshes my belief that there are decent men out in the world. I of course don't have one of those men but I see that there are at least 2 that exist. So that is a start I guess. 

I don't know know where else to go with this because I feel so negative and scary angry that I think it is best to be alone for a few days. 

To end on a happy note but job whoas have been resolved, but there will be a 2k pay cut. which is not bad. Originally they were talking about a 6k cut. So I will take the 2 k. I am optimistic At least I don't have that stress in my life right now to worry about. 

Im Ready!

 So as I promised, I was going to let go of somethings with D and just enjoy some time with him doing what we do. I dropped the kids off with my first ex-husband and headed home to clean and wait for him. I got a shower and put on my pajamas, with no panties, but this is funny to me. I don't put make up on, I don't care about my pajamas or my hair. I know he does not care about these things. He arrives. I don't feel nervous like I usually do. I don't really feel anything. I found this odd. I did not even have any particular excitement. In all reality I did not have a strong need for sex today or any need at all but it was one of those things where I had to take advantage of the opportunity so I went with it. 

Things start as they usually do but I notice immediately he is a little bit more rough then usual. Today he has this thing about me deep throating his dick and he is holding my head down so I can not breath. There was this one time he did that, I will never forget. We were video taping the scene in a hotel room and he did that just a little too long and I fucking lost my mind. There was such a visceral violent reaction to this that once I was able to get away from him I just started beating him and crying a real cry. He kept saying he was sorry and hugged me for a minute but then we went right back to it. That was the last time he has done the before today. He did not do it to the extreme he before today but I did not love it. He was smacking my ass too hard and grabbing my hair too hard and I was feel frustrated. He would not listen to me as I tried to guide him to what I needed. I would say what I needed and he would tell me to shut up because I like it. So my body was reacting to this, I was wet and it appeared my body liked the abuse but mentally I was over it. He spread my legs and sucked on my clit for a few minutes then proceeded to manipulate my body to squirting over and over again. I think like 5 times in a row. The bed had a puddle in it and then he entered my body. He was fucking me from behind at first and then I was riding his dick facing away from him. I was surprised I did this with no complaints as I usually don't like it but I have recently been craving riding a dick. The dick was good as always but I was seriously frustrated by the roughness. Have I turned a corner where rough sex is not doing it for me anymore?  I was confused but I wanted him to be gentler, but he never really did. So he did cum inside me for the first time in at least 10 years if not longer. Eh, I don't think I had any feeling about it what so ever. It was just kinds of indifference. We talked for a little bit while he was getting dressed. I asked him why he has not stayed the night with me and said (in a very bold moment) "it feels like you don't like me" to which he replied "it feels like you don't really like me". I left it at that. However here is this theme again of a man saying that he does not know if I want him or not....something I need to explore some more. We also talk about JF because he thinks I am going to go back to JF, and to be honest I have not ruled that out. 

JF calls today to take to the kids, he video calls, I answer wearing my pjs and he asks me where the kids are and when I tell him at my exes he laughs and says "so you are going to have some fun today". I blantent lie and say "No I am just wrapping Christmas gift while I have some time with out the kids here, since  you are not here to help".  You see how I did that... I just lied and then tried to make him feel bad for being away. SMH. We talk a minute, it was right on the tip of my tounge to tell him I miss him, but I just would not allow myself to do it. I know if I start that is is a downward sprint until things are back to where they were. Its not that I don't love him or that his sex is bad it really is his inability to love me in the way I need to be loved. Its hard to end a relationship with someone you love, but I am pretty sure this is the right move. I think. 

My neighbor texts me as asks me how was my afternoon with D, I say "Rough, it was like he just got out of prison". I feel like I need an ice pack and will most likely get myself one on my way to bed. 

This experience with D left me feeling a little defeated. I feel like I have put so much focus into sex but that is not exactly what I want. It is a huge part of life or at least my life but I want to be in love. I want to feel all the feels and share my life with someone. I went to pick myself up dinner tonight after D left and I saw these couples going into a restaurant, particular with strong black man with this bow white women and I feel jealous. I want that. I want a strong black man in my life and I always feel like it is so out of reach for me. I partly won't put the effort into getting to know someone because it is hard for me to feel connected at all until after we have had physical intimacy. That physical touching for me is the basis for everything. As evidenced by my ongoing connection to D, he give me nothing emotionally but I am content because of our physical intimacy. Or I was content. Today was the first time I think I felt like maybe I was out growing D. That is sad to think about but these recent experiences with new men have given me a lot of perspective. I think I am just not the same as who I was before I met JF and that going back to life the way is was before will not work for me. Of course I know myself and my feelings are fleeting and changing and always evolving so we will see where this leads. 

I think I am ready to put it out in the universe now. (When I claim my intentions they just tend to happen) Universe I am ready to try a real relationship that hopefully developed in to love or bonus love at first sight!

Filling the Void

 I woke up Friday morning to an email  that were my test results from the other day. All good. I felt this immediate sense of peace. I do think my fear of STDs is a little bit extreme. I just assume everyone must have one and I will fuck up one time or a rouge French man claim my pussy for his own with his cum and I will have to bare the shame of going to the doctor and presenting myself for treatment. Or worse I will unknowingly give it to D. D an I have been fucking a lot of years and never had any issues I would be devastated if I ever had to explain to him how I got an std. Either way, it was nice to know that the French man was not lying to me about his status and it is nicer to know that I can see D again. I celebrated and made some time to see D tomorrow. We plan on spending the afternoon in bed together, with no time limit. I wanted him to spend the night but he says he can't he has a job in the morning... I am skeptical about that but I don't think he would not want to spend the night we me. We always have lots of fun when we can spend the night together. Either way, I am going to let this be a peaceful, pleasurable afternoon I need and let go of all the other nonsense that has been in our way lately. (So basically I am not going to bitch at him for not fucking me on the regular for the last 6 months like he know he should have been). This whole team building experience is a direct result of him dropping the ball. When he is fucking me I can easily go 10-14 days before I NEED dick, but when he is not fucking me then it just seems to be a constant unfulfilled need. 

So the French man I guess really does not want me, as he has no texted me again. It is still stinging a bit but I think maybe he had expectations that were unreasonable. I am not going to go into a monogamous relationship with someone I met one time. Monogamy, and Im pretty sure that is what he was looking for, is like a gift. I can't just stop everything relationship I have developed on a whim that this man I do not know will fulfill my needs. I do keep thinking about it from time to time throughout the day. I keep thinking I will text him again, but I am keeping a level head here and respecting what he said. He was very clear. As I clear person myself I know I need to take what he said and move on. Im just not happy about it. 

This week the neighbor came over. I needed dick and it is so freaking convenient. This is almost as good as having live in dick. Scheduling is hard though but even still it beats having to drive somewhere to meet someone. This day he came in the same way. I was waiting for him, I left the door unlocked. He came upstairs and just starts taking off his clothes. he lays down and I bend over and suck his dick. It feels weird because it feels a little like I am a paid service. It just felt a little cold at first, but as he told me what he wanted me to do I became more comfortable and more into it. I was enjoying the being able to suck his dick in a way that he enjoyed. I feel like I have to prove myself to him for some reason. Things are very low key at the moment and he asks me which way I want it, I want to tell him I want him on top of me but I feel like he does not want that so I bend over and offer him my pussy. Just as I remember the big white cock from last week it felt so nice. It was big like I remember and felt good. He finally asks me to get onto my back I happy crawl into the bed, where he tells me exactly what he wants me to do. He straddles my one leg and the beds the other one up and slides his dick inside deeply. (I don't know why more men do not do this. It is a great way to get a deep penetration but I find many don't do it). He just keeps fucking me and fucking me talking to me about how his big dick feels in my pussy and asks me if I want him to take the condom off and cum inside. I firmly say no, but I kinda wanted to. For some reason this white man being inside me giving me so much pleasure made me want him to cum in my body, but the was really not happening. I can't go back to the doctor for the for 3rd time in 60 days and ask for another std panel. I will just have to do with out. Im impressed with his fucking and how long this is lasting. I think we are at 40 minutes and I had to go to get the kids soon, he said he took some Viagra before he left and it makes it hard to cum. He said he was going to jerk off if he could not not cum in me, so jerk off it was. As he lays there he summons me over to him and says "I want to feel your body next to me" which threw me a little because this type of sex I try not to touch so much. I liked watching him jerk off, I don't often get to see that, but it is nice to see a man in this state of vulnerability for some reason. 

The incident with the French man has prompted many conversations with my neighbor. We were talking about how she likes when men cum in her and it makes me want to vomit. She says it make he feel closer to the man, but maybe I don't want to feel closer to the man. I do remember when I was trying to get pregnant with D and then again with JF and feeling a really strange type of elation after we would fuck and they would stay in my body. I liked the part of of it. I guess it did make me feel closer, but like the French man, I was not ready to feel that kind of closeness. 

I also feel like I defiantly want a relationship at this point. I was very uncertain before but I think I want like a real relationship. Part of me feels like there is no way I can have a relationship because I have so little time. I don't know how people manage that. I do want to feel some intimacy and deeper connection. I also have been contemplating JF and missing parts of him. I don't think I am crazy enough to not remember just how bad he was at being my partner in the last 5 years to take him back but if he only knew how on the edge I was about being with him. Its not that I don't love him, it is not that I don't want him, he has just been really bad and prioritizing his family and wife in life and I want more then that. 

And if I am not going to have a loving fulfilling relationship then I guess I better have a lot of fun sex to fill the void. 

The Power of Shame

 So the French man was on my mind today. I text him in a weak moment. I did not want to do it but much like the impulsive submission to D I found myself unable to stop myself. He text me back. "Im not  interested in you, you have too many men". So I found this a little bit shocking but it still stung a bit. I was shocked because I met him on a website where I advertised that I was interested in "friends with benefits" and he read my blog that offers a raw glimpse into my life (even that very unsexy parts)that talks explicitly about my men. So how do I have  to many men for you on Tuesday but on Thursday you were fucking me raw with out a problem? I found that disconnection to be extra frustrating. I felt judged and it hurt my feelings. Now I said in the beginning I knew this had potential to be bad because I felt myself wanting him. Im so complicated sometimes...at least when I self analyze, you all may have a better vantage point than me but I can not see it what is happening before it happens. This was not the ending I was hoping for. 

Now maybe you caught it, I did say he fucked me raw. This has been a problem for me since it happened. I am not even sure I am will post this after I write it but this encounter left me feeling really upset and for a violation of my personal space in a very bad way. These are themes that I like violation of personal space and having no control but this real life scenario has been much different for me. 

We talked about condoms, I thought we were clear on condoms, but evidently we were not. It all happened  very fast. I remember him spreading my legs open as I had fantazied so much about and before I knew his dick was in. My initial reaction was pleasure but my secondary thought was to do the condom check. (That would be the sliding the hand down to make sure the condom is securely on and he did not slip it off). However before I got to that he came in me or on my pussy. I don't even know which. I was instantly upset, but I did not react. My initial reaction was confusion, I really thought that he was just not into me and lost his erection. Then I started to get out of my zone and figure out that his cum was in or on my pussy.  I kept thinking to myself.... what do I do now? I felt so small and used and like I wanted to cry. I still tried not to react. I don't know if he knew how I was feeling. I feel guilty because I feel like it was my responsibility to make sure he has a condom on before he comes near me, but my feminist mind gets real pissed off at that idea because he had the control of the situation. He knows better, who does this kind of thing? He got in the shower and my eyes started to tear up and I get dressed feeling like I just been assaulted for lack of a better word. I bent over on the bed put my head down and took some deep breaths. I went into hurry him out of the shower and we left. I said nothing. I can not believe I said nothing. 

Now for perspective the amount of men who have actually came in me is very small. Four. Four men in my 41 years have came in me. It just not something that I do, it feels too intimate and it is not safe and he just did it like it was nothing. He did not even acknowledge the magnitude of what just happened. 

We leave, I go home and then I find the strength to talk about it via text. He apologizes. Over and beyond the feeling that I was violated with his cum was the reality of STDS. Jesus Christ I just got all my test done. Literally like a month ago. He tries to reassure me that he is "clean" but that does little to reassure me. I am mentally freaking out, I just want him to reassure me that all is ok, but I don't get that from him. I got rudeness and a bad attitude. So fuck that is great. I already feel like a whore who has been fucked and used but now he is not even taking care of my fears that he caused. I mean logically if you got caught up in the moment and acted impulsively would you not show some immediate remorse? Would you not try to right your wrongs? I am really a sensitive person. A hug from him and an "Im sorry", everything is fine is what I would have made things so much better for me. 

So today, here I fucking go to the doctor again. This time I get to talk about how I had unprotected sex and I need to be re-tested for everything again. I added a caveat to the "I had unprotected sex" and then added "not that I really had a choice". I don't feel like I was given a fair choice here. If I want to throw caution to the wind and have unprotected sex with someone then I want and need to be an active participate in that decision making. 

Overall I am struggling with all the shame I felt in this experience. I feel like it must be my fault and that I am ultimately responsible. I did not do enough, I need to be more aware. I keep putting the burden on me but I do get some moments of clarity in which I really feel like he was wrong and should have at the very least given me some reassurance that he did not have an STD. So I seriously wanted the test results. I have my test results, why does he not? This seemed to make him mad. Alright so with that I am going to to try to let it go. The first round of tests today were good, so just a few more days for my bloodwork to come back and I can feel more secure about what happened. 

I also have decided to not drive traffic from my profile on the website to my blog. I wanted more traffic on the blog because since I was dormant for so long I lost some readership and I wanted more, but I see now, like I said the other day. You can't be my man and read my blog. These two things can not happen. It is all fun, games and masturbation material until your dick is the one I am talking about and then you get your feelings hurt when you realize that I like to have sex (just like I talk about in the blog) and if I am not in a committed relationship then I will do whatever it is I want. I get it. It's hard to see that shit is black and white. However for the love of christ I could not be more honest about who I am and what I like and what I am looking for. The writing is literally on the wall. 

So tonight I am in a place of trying to move on. Waiting for my fucking test results before I can even see D again, trying to forgive myself for not speaking up and for not being more assertive when I needed to be. I am really a sensitive person. A hug from him and an "Im sorry", everything is fine is what I would have made things so much better for me. 

Secrets

 I have noticed that since I linked my blog to the website I use to build my team that I have has a lot of feedback about D. The general consensus is that he is an asshole. I can't dispute that all that much. He does have a lot of asshole tendencies, but can we choose who we want? I see the writing on the wall, I am not stupid or so lost in the sea of pleasure that I don't see it. I am drawn to him. I do go through spurts where I tire of him and his cold and hot attitude toward me, but those times when he is emotionally distant and physical distant I am still cognizant of the utter pleasure he brings to me when he is with me. I don't ever for see me being able to turn away from him. I did deny him a couple times in that first 5 years with JF but Im not sure that got me anywhere but the denial of pleasure. 

I also have had more and more conversations with people about relationships and dating vs. casual sex. I still think I might be ready to press forward with seeing if I can pursue a relationship, but don't you, or shouldn't you see if you are sexually compatible first? Why would I want to invest anytime in a relationship with a man that does have the bandwidth to sexually satisfy me. How do people proceed in this world of dating? My first husband we just were meeting to have sex and first and that turned into a 15 year relationship, and the second was a just about sex at first and turned into a 9 year family building relationship. So I am left with this really intense confusion about how you proceed, it feels almost unachievable. 

So the French man did not text me today. I was half expecting him not to but thought maybe  this will work out. I mean,  did the words we exchange the other day really leave that bad of a taste in his mouth that he fucked me once and is done? I think I really misjudged this one. I think this will end with our harsh ending and my empty feelings. That makes me sad. There are obviously some details I have left out here. I have been debating if I wanted to talk about them...maybe I am just not ready yet. There are things that don't make the pages of this blog. I still keep my secrets about somethings. 

I have noticed that I have leaned on T a little bit in the last week or so to hold me up. I like him. I can't say anything bad about him. I just wish we did not end our relationship 10 years ago. 

I had a semi successful day scaling back my intense need for sex. I have been trying to put out to my mind and focus on other things. What is frustrating to me is that I don't want for sex to take up so much of my mind or my time or my focus but if I am not getting what I need it is like a constant hunt for it. If D would just bring his ass down here and fuck me good I would be good for like a week at least. 

Thats a big draw of a relationship, easy sex. New dick is fun and all but nothing is better then easy sex in your own bed that you don't have to drive somewhere to get to you and you don't have to shower before and after. That scent of different men really throws me. I hate to have a smell of a man on me that I am not in love with, I find that part of sex nauseating. Im not saying these men smell, I mean they are always clean and just smell like soap but it is their scent that lingers after sex that I just can not tolerate. So hence the showering right after. Unless I like a man then his scent amuses me and reminds me of our encounter. 

I just read that and thought to myself... and I having sex with men I don't like? I don't think that is the right word. I like lots of men for their dick but for who they are and how they connect with me on a more human level. Something I should think about perhaps. There are two needs here: the physical hunger for sex and that emotional need for sex. It is the physical hunger that haunts me and keeps me up at night and the one that is leading me to seek out the dick. 

I went to a restaurant for the first time since March tonight, just a local restaurant with the kids. I am very aware at this point that there are two people living in this town who I could run into who know me. It something that excites me. I thought of seeing these people out in my mom life keeps me more aware of my sexuality and secrecy. 

Sunday Night Musings

I wish this manic sexual phase would pass. Im not sure if it is desire for dick or just stress relief I crave. I can’t think. All I think about is sex. I feel like some self denial might be good for me because I’m so hyper focused on it I’m getting nothing but the basics done in life. The first night I met the French man he asked me if I was a nympho. I think he asked me in jest but I felt nervous about the question like I just got called out. So I do think that I am a sex addict but only sometimes. This last few weeks have a really good example of the insane need for dick and how sometimes my judgement of a situation is poor because of this need.  Other times I manage sex in a normal way and love it but it does not overtake my life. 

This week I already feel a little pressed to have sex because my kids will me home the following two weeks and my daytimes are times for me to fuck. However I’m trying to free my mind a little bit with all the sex. 

I keep thinking about JF. We talked briefly about how I have felt since we broke up. I as I always am i was honest.  I’ve been sad. I missed him. I’m sad for our children. I’m sad that our love was not enough to figure it out. I’m sad I feel like he did not try even though he feels like he did. And I told him that and I told him I did not miss the crazy he brought into my life. I don’t miss the daily problems I felt like I need to fix, even know he rarely asked for me to fix. His stress became my stress.  I need to change this.  This part is my fault that I know I need to fix. I can’t fix his or any mans problems for him.  I do this with D too. It’s a problem. I wonder how I will feel once he gets back to town. If I will feel frustrated by him all over again it I will be glad to see him. 

D kinda wanted to see me this weekend. I mean it seemed like he made a half hearted effort but it was not a good time for me so better we left it there. D and I are working on a remodeling project at my rental property and I’m regretting that choice. I think I’m going to go with another contractor. It makes me sad but this project has been delayed a good month because of his nonsense and lack of urgency. I can’t mix business with pleasure. I just can’t do it. He is going to be mad at me I think but tonight I don’t really care. 

I have not talked to the French man this weekend. I’m not sure we will speak again. He was rude with me and I don’t really know what that was about. It hurt my feelings. I’m really so loving and gentle with people (or at least I think so) that when some is less than loving and gentle with me it kind if jolts me in a way I don’t like. I also don’t like not having a pleasant interaction with anyone. To that point everyone I have ever known, had sex with, dated is someone I can call today and be like “what’s happening” and it would not be weird at all. I’ve have never had a harsh exit. (With one exception of young boy if you are a new reader just search the posts for “young boy”).  It would make me feel bad to end the French mans time with such an unpleasant ending. We shall see where that leads. 

I headed over to my neighbors house last night to tell her all about my evening with the French man. It was late she was drunk I took my Ambien and I feel like I said too much. She knows about all my sexual encounters but I really was very detailed about this one. I’m not sure I was ready to share all I did. 

I have goals this week to try to not like the savage need for dick  run my life. I did feel again today that maybe I am ready for a relationship. This feeling keeps creeping up on me. I do miss a man in my life, but I want a man that I fall in love with but also is open sexually. I don’t know why I always find men who have like no sex drive. 🤷‍♀️

The kind of man I want would want would 

-be ok with letting me have a new dick from time to time and love to have sex

-he can’t want kids or already has them because I am never having another baby

-he has to respectable and well spoken 

-he must be make me feel safe in his presence, I want to feel like I can trust him fully to protect me so I can submit to him fully. 

-he needs to be able to take care of himself

-he must be kind and gentle in spirit but not in bed. 

This feeling is fleeting though. I know my life will get complicated again and I will feel weary with the thought of trying to get to know somebody. I would not hate to feel the love at first sight again. Ugh but who am I kidding I don’t have time for actual love. 

I feel like my whole adult life I have been trying to “have my cake and eat it too” as they say. I dont want to give up on the thought I can have it all. 

The White Man

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Dark Days

 I am all kinds of frustrated tonight. There has been so much on my mind lately. It feels a little like all the things in my life are happening at one time and it has been a little difficult to cope. Too many things to list not that you would be interested in the ongoing saga of life. We know that I have been crying a lot lately. Too much crying, and crying from a deep place of sadness. And Im not crying about just things in my life. I saw a god damm meme about a dog yesterday and teared up. It feels a lot like the irrational crying of a pregnant woman, but I am not pregnant. Maybe it early menopause...if I could only be so lucky. Nonetheless the crying is intense. We had a play date at the park today and I could not take my sunglass off because my eyes tell the tales of my sadness and good lord if someone trying to console me or reassure me I would just cry more. I'm working on it though. I actually called my doctor today because I have sense that we are not in the realm of normal sadness anymore. 

So I am starting my weekend in a difficult place. I know I have talked a lot about JF. I have in visual in my head of him coming back from his traveling and sitting on the couch with me and holding me. The holding me is the part that I am really desiring. and he is built like a basketball player with huge long arms that make me feel safe in that moment. This visual also involves him eventually gently kissing me and then fucking me on the couch. I wish I could add sound here on the blog because I would insert the scratching a record. This is not going to happen. The holding me might happen, thats happening. In my mind it is his job to emotionally hold me up because if can't have someone to lean on how can I take care of my kids the way they we would want. But him fucking me no, he never initiates sex. If I ask for it he gives to me but he won't just offer it or assert it. And then since we have been separated unprotected sex seems like a no go for the time being.  So Im doubtful sex with him will ever happen again, but I would not hate it. 

Im not sure if I mentioned on here or not about the instability of my job. We are mid - month and I still have no further information if I will stay with my current company in the job that I have or if I will have a new role or if I will have no role. It is not a fun place of uncertainty to live. It is difficult place to me. Im good at mitigating stress for a time being. I usually use sex for that but the longevity of this uncertainty  is wearing me thin. I am a single mom with 3 kids in private school and a lot of financial obligations. Im good with money but I am not a magician. This weighs on me more then I want it to. I wish I could be this type of person who throw caution to the wind and says "Que Sera Sera" and leave it at that. Im not. I like to control and manage the details of everything even when they are out of my control.

I thought a lot of the French man today. It was a strange encounter for me. I felt bad about myself at the end of the night, I felt inadequate and like maybe I was not able to please him and he did not like me. And today, I thought he was rude with me via text but I feel myself wanting to self correct. Assuming it is me who needs to readjust and not him. It is like the more curt he is with me the more I want to make him happy. Ugh.  This is the kind of twisted shit I like though. I say that as I shake my head and rolls my eyes to myself. Its D all over again. Dominant men are a difficult to manage at times and they get into my head and make me doubt myself. I seek so much reassurance from them and I am always let down. It hits a nerve of a deep desire to be taken care of emotionally, but I am not even 100% sure what that means, but I think I would know it when I felt it. I think. 

How the hell did I get so grown up and not have grown in this space of wanting reassurance. I still ask JF to tell me "Everything is going to be okay". I don't even thinks he means it but putting those words out into the universe feels like something and it gives me some peace in the moment. 

I still want that intimacy I have been missing. I don't know where it will come from or if I will just have to continue to deal with out. It is like chasing a high I just can't ever get. 

Dark days lately but to keep perspective I am so much better off the some others. I keep trying to remind myself of things could be worse. They certainly could be better but for sure could be worse. Send me the positive vibes and that fucking 2020 ends with less daily bullshit fires to put out and ...and a job. 

Just for a visual, after listening to my kids fight in the car, and the hour long play date and me making nice with the other moms, 3 phones for projects that I am working on that were urgent and I had to take in the car while I try to threaten the kids to shut up. I pull the mini van into the driveway, I shuffle the kids into the house and I walk outside with my headphones, I turn that shit up as loud as it will go so I can feel the vibration of the music in my brain and I walk down the street with this soulless saunter that scares myself. It is like that scene out of the move, maybe Diehard, where he tosses a match behind him and just keeps walking while a giant explosion happens behind and he does not flinch. This was the walk, while I listened to Lizzos Truth Hurts on repeat. I eventually came back home, but I did feel like I could have walked forever, just kept going and see where the universe takes me.

The Push and Pull of a relationships

 Im just trying to get out of Mom-mode. I thought I better try to write it out and get myself in the headspace I want to me in. I just came to the solace of my room to get ready to go out and meet the French man. I was very stressed today and more then once I thought about reaching for my vibrator to make myself cum to mitagate the stress I have been under, but I resisted the urge. I want to need to cum when I see him. God knows I have masturabated more then I needed to this week. It was an odd week for me. Usually when I have my period I am introverted and private and I need the time to refocus on me vs. sex. This week I have been insatiable, it is slightly concerning me. I think sex or orgasm as stress control is all I have right now. My life is so busy and multi-tasking it is really mentally exhausting. The orgasm is the only moment in my life where I am focused just on me. 

I was thinking about it today. Even something as mundane as driving the kids to school is me juggling multiple events. Driving, ensuring the kids eat their breakfast which we have to eat in the car for time purposes, today was managing the video chat with their Dad ( and I manage it. Im still kind of shocked that the kids don't understand their Dad as well as I do. He has a strong accent still sometimes I struggle, but why do they struggle it is all they have ever known, he also can't hear what the little one is saying because she damm near whispers) and still trying to listen to my oldest talk to me about endless teenager things. If I could just drive the damm car and thats it that would be great for my mental health.

Its things like that I feel worn down with. Even my downtime is not true downtime. 

I just got a text... I assumed it was the French man cancelling. Im suppose to see I'm in one hour, I still feel like he will cancel. Im kind of half-hearted going through the motions because I am doubtful this will really happen. He asked me to wear something slutty. This made me laugh. I don't have anything slutty, not even remotely. This has always been a point of contention for me. I remember back in the day my Dom and I would go to swingers clubs and he would want me to dress in a certain way of course and I struggled with it. To the point of tears. It was and is such a challenge for me. It is like that thing that makes me feel like if I have to dress slutty or even sexy then forget it I don't want the dick. Its my deal breaker. It sound silly to me that I tolerate and accept and work around so much shit but this is one that I can't manage. I don't even know what clothes I fucking have clean at the moment as I am reminded I started laundry and never finished it today. That is the part that is stressing me tonight the clothes.  I think I gave up long ago on dressing sexy, long ago. I am sure I was traumatized for me to have such a visceral reaction to it. I am also telling my kids I am going to visit my girlfriend, if I walked out of this house looking too nice she would be suspect. My ex-husband is already onto my shenanigans when I tell her I am going out tonight and she tells her dad.... because my business is everyones business. SMH. 

He has not cancelled yet, I better get in the shower..... Side note he does not want my to shave my pussy it has been about a week since I have touched it. I will try it. 

So I feel like that night was frustrating in a very strange way. I can't decide how I feel about this evening at all. I was not going to blog, I was just going to sit with my thoughts and see were they landed but I can sleep so here I am. 

I anticipated going to his house but for a slew of reasons we don't go to his house. We spend some time in the car kind of reviewing logistics. I find this process frustrating. As always I don't time so I am on like a two hour budget, but I try to let that go a bit and relax about getting back home. His energy seems different then last week. He makes mention of what I am wearing. So obviously he does not know about the aforementioned clothing issues. He just keeps talking about clothes and keeps making me feel bad about myself.  He seems almost irritated by me. I can not even articulate what he did or said specially to make me feel like I was a nuisance to him but I sat in my car and thought I don't think this man even likes me. Its a weird place to be, man in your car, agreed meeting for sex but feeling like he does not really want you. We talk about getting a room or rather he talks about getting a room. I make a conscience effort to not participate in this conversation. This is not my concern. He left his wallet at the house, he asks me to put on my card. I decline, quite firmly. I am not paying for a room here. Im not saying that I never have or would but this was his problem tonight. I was not playing. If he wanted to fuck this was the consequence or we go back to his place. 

He goes into the hotel and gets the room and steps outside to tell me to park and come on in. He walks like 30 feet ahead of me. This does not make me feel good. It makes me feel like he does not want anyone to see him with me. This was not a great place to be in on our way into the room. I don't think it was his intention but it is what it felt like.  So I am in the room, he is in the room. He is taking clothes off. I am always intrigued by the way men undress for sex, so matter of fact. Meanwhile I was just kind of waiting there to see what this sexual experience will be like. Will he undress me? Will he force me to undress? Will I suck his dick? I don't know what to do with him at this point. I feel like he has been very dominate thus far but in this moment I feel lost and was looking for his leadership. Things progress quickly  and his dick was inside me. I liked it and I almost came a couple times, I was right there on the edge. He said something about making me come. That he can't make me come but  I think it was like he would not make me cum. There were lots of options. I was on the edge he could have fingered me and I would have likely came. I just felt like I was been withheld. Each time he would start to fuck me I would get right there on the edge of orgasm he would stop and I would lose it. I was frustrated but him seems content. He took a shower, we left. 

Walking out he walked with me, so at least I did not feel like I a paid whore on the walk out. I told him there is something about him that makes me want to argue with. Like I want to have a argument and more then submissive he makes me feel like a bitch. Some of the things he says rub me the wrong way and I start getting a bad attitude. We talked on the way back, which was nice to kind of be out of this sexual cloud and just talk to him.  

I have more thoughts about this for sure. He made me feel some strong feelings, but I think he was not aware of how the things he said made me feel. It was a very interesting evening. Not the stress relief I wanted but not a wash either.  

You know when you put to magnets together and they don't want to touch in the middle and you feel the pressure of the pushing away at the middle. The magnets will almost simatantously want to me together and want to push apart. It kind of felt like. 

I got home and the kids were peacefully asleep and my mom guilt dissipated. I got in a the shower and had some time to think about the evening. It was a lot to unpack. I am sure more to  come in the next few days.  T text me and I spent some time talking. Talking about why we broke up when we seemed so good together. 

I was expecting the French guy to text me and want to discuss the sex details of sex with me and the nuances of our encounter. He does not see to me interested in that... 

I got in the shower and shave my pussy. lol Looks like Im still going to do whatever I want. 

I hope this all made sense... I am falling alseep but I just wanted to finish.

Forget You Saw This

 I went to my TMS appointment today, again, for the 30th time in a row (minus weekends and yay I am almost done). There is this girl there she does not work with me but I see her there. I never pay her any mind, but today and the other day she has to get me set up for treatment and I find myself turned on by her being so close to me. I like her energy. She is defiantly a lesbian, she is more masculine then feminine but I like it. I don't want to touch her but I want her to fuck me. I want to be touched by her I want her to talk to me and make me cum. It has been awhile since I have wanted a women to touch me. This girl who is still my good friend and I used to "date" in some sense of the word. She was married and I would fuck her husband while she paid attention to me. She would whisper things to me and kiss me and encourage me to suck his dick and fuck him. Her husband was really just there for the dick support he could lend but the experience was all about her and I. He began to get jealous. They eventually divorced. 

I took today off work. I came home after my appointment and got naked and got in my bed. I watched some Netflix but was so distracted by the thought of the french man touching I gave up on my show and let myself sit with the feeling of what it will be like.... if.... I see him again. I was touching my breasts and  imagining him sucking them as I keep my legs closed. I have this image and thought the him needing to encourage me to open my legs. And I go through the moment by moment steps of him talking to me about moving my legs apart so he can get to my pussy. I spent a good fifteen minutes in this fantasy. Then I moved on to porn and getting out my toys. 

So this porn today is different than my usual. I usually go for interracial gang bang porn strictly but after my experience the other day with porn and liking something new I looked for new video categories. So this first video is a "casting couch" complication of young white women mostly interviewing for a porn position and inevitably the interviewer fucks them raw on the couch, on the desk. The interview a white guy, focuses not on the fucking but gets an unclose of cum dripping from their pussy then tells the girl that he just came inside of them and asks them what birth control they are on. And of course the compilation whole point is that none of these women are on birth control and the look of fear in their face as he tells them. This was the moment for me. This oh my god moment these women have and the look that they have been fucked and possibly bred right there.  In another fucking hot moment he talks to them about how he will get take care of it and get them the Plan B. This is the epitome of being used and devalued as a woman and I liked it. 

The next video was this glory how video from some other country. The women are in these areas with their waist down exposed and their legs tied in the air. The video show both the men walking in the room and picking out which pussy he wants to fuck and just going for it and show the video of the women taking the strange dick. So maybe I liked this. It is really no different then me being blindfolded and taking dick from someone my Dom picks for me, with no knowledge of it. Sometimes I will be somewhere and someone will look at me with a very strange look. Like the I know who you are smile. I never acknowledge it because I don't want to be a whore in my real life... just my fantasy world. 

There was this one time I was at the Home Depot. (Looking back that store has been a large source of dick for me). I was doing something at the Customer Service desk and the manager gives me the look. I smile awkwardly because I am don't know why he is looking at me like this, then he actually mentions the party at  which we fucked. I think my face turned instantly red and I then turned into this shy submissive person (the opposite of what I just was 10 seconds ago) and sheepishly continue what we are doing now knowing this person sees me and knows that I just got fucked by a room full of black cock. Priceless. I think I loved it as much as I hated it. 

Although this new porn and this mental simulation of the french man fucking me gave me a great relief today. I finally feel like the noose of desire and lifted from around my neck and I can think again. It took a legit two hours of humming but I got there.  Is this what everyone feels like when their body is ready for sex but some dominant black man wants to tease you with his dick? I mean really I have felt frustrated since fucking Friday night. All I can do is shake my head on that. I mean if he did fuck me I would have talked about it and let it go, but he managed to keep his touch in my head all week. So congratulations on that. It is not easy to get my mind like it is to get my pussy. I still have an attitude about it but at least I can think now. 

It has been a difficult few days for my body. I have my period, I had to go to the GYN for the IUD which hurt. They talk about "him" because they assume I am in a monogamous relationship. My doctor even references my ex by name because she remembers him from the birth of my daughter. (My ex is hard to forget, everyone remembers him). I was thinking about D because in all the years of fucking D he never comes in me, never. I mean he still managed to get me pregnant 4x in 18 years but we never throw caution to the wind and cum inside. I am looking forward to that, to feel that, to hold him while he cums and it always makes me cum. 

Today I was in the car and just felt really alone. I started to sob. Why couldn't JF just have fought for our relationship? I would have stayed. I would have kept fucking D, but I would have stayed and I think maybe we could have gotten back to where we were. I was so happy with him in the beginning for the first 5 years I was happy or at least that is how I remember it. There are two very different distinct parts of myself. My "real" or maybe my vanilla self that is ultra conservative and very family oriented. I could serious be a member of a fundamentalist church my vanilla life is so conforming. Im also so fucking dominate in my vanilla life. It is exhausting at times.  I am always the one to take care of issues, read the contracts, advocate for my rights, protect my children, tell people about themselves. I mean I some times wonder if I am a "Karen". Then there is the "njsubmissivegirl" world where are can let myself be controlled by a man, I can do things that I would shame others for doing, I can allow men to use me and I can find a sense of peace in it. I can let me it all go and focus on just the pleasure of it all. It is so freeing. 

I texted JW yesterday. That ship might have sailed. I don't know what I can do to engage him, he seems so far out of touch anymore. He says one thing but does another. That makes me sad too. Seeing someone I like slip away, which I think is because he does not like my activity, is hard. I would suggest if you know me in real life you should probably forget you ever saw this blog. It can be a bit much to take in and it has caused nothing but problems in my real relationships. It is a blessing to me and a curse. 

Head Out of the Game

 What in the fuck am I doing? I was team building and now I am just focusing on one player. My head is out of the game. 

The other day I was talking to my friend about how I felt guilty like I was cheating on D. After D and I talked the other day on the phone, it felt just as good as it always was and I felt like a piece of shit for organizing a team of dick to keep me happy in his absence. In my defense, he dropped that ball. He stops meeting my needs and what the hell am I supposed to do? My first husband stopped meeting my needs and I went out and took care of them myself, my second stopped and I went back to seeing D. Why should D be granted a pass. I am responsible for my own happiness so I am going out to make it happen until or if he can take the reins again. I still feel guilty though, like a am a dirty whore fucking behind his back. I don't love that but I am not sure it will change. And I have noticed my eyes wander further and wider from my scope or perspective dick then they ever have. This taste freedom and freshened my world with new possibilities.

I spoke to him again tonight. I was on my way to the doctors to get my IUD. He says, "who are you getting that for", which was a little irritating because he knows he is the one who gets me pregnant. Him or JF and I think JF days of fucking me are done. 

Todays Fantasy of the day was thinking about have sex with this guy who was pumping my gas today. I could not see his face because the sun was in my eyes and I just hear his voice and see his hands. I thought  about all the times my Dom would arrange these play dates for me. He would blindfold me and invite men over and they would use me and this one sucked on my lips and my clit until they were swollen and then he fucked me. It was really one of the best sexual experience I have had. He was getting dressed and leaving and I quickly went to my move blindfold down and I saw this man who was not sexy, a little cliche Italian guy who I would never ever think he would want to fuck me or let alone give me the wonderful oral treatment that he did. But how I miss that kind of play. My dom blindfolding me and watching another man fucking me. There were times where I would be blind folded and have noice cancelling headphones on so I could hear nothing, I could see nothing, and if I could tolerate I would be handcuffed too. The limitations  of my senses just fiercely increased the intensity of touch. I want that kind of fun again. I want a Dom to take me to new limits and give me new experiences. I want my limits pushed a little bit, I want a little bit of the extreme. 

I found myself thinking about the French guy too much today. Too much. I talked about him to my friend, I fucking reread our texts... I was trying to see just where this man took my interest and gain some perspective on where I need to put that. In re-reading our texts I see that in a couple short conversations that word capitalism came up twice. I found that funny, but also something that reminds me that I like men who can speak with substance behind their words. Men who understand things in life. He also said that I am his. To my response was "we will see". I live for the honesty and if and when I feel like I belong to someone then I want to say it an mean it.  He sas "It is already happened", meaning I am already his. Let me stop here. In my day of reflection I learned something about this statement. This statement could have been pulled from the how to get me to give myself to you section of the blog (if there was one). It hit on some many things for me. The submission, the owning, the lack of power the being desired. It took me a little while to let the excitement of that statement dissipate. 

But what I know is the the French man, who is not only similar to JF in his language, the terms he uses in texting, he hand gestures when he is talking  and also  his "game". When I met JF he introduced me to his room mate as "his future wife". That was awkward but it hit all those areas the French man is hitting. I realized that part of me fell in love with JF almost instantly because he claimed me. With no hesitation with no reserve, he wanted me, he claimed it and I was his. Not only was I a little bit his.... I was got rid of my personal porn collection his. I got rid of the contacts of all the big black cocks I once loved so much. I threw myself into his world and into that because he was confident and took what he wanted. Im not so sure that worked out in my favor long term.

So this French man now, he claims me but oh I am wiser now. I have been down this road before and I know that claiming something for your own is only part, a very small part of owning/possesing/Dom-ing someone. And while it really makes me want to melt and I can very easily see myself getting carried away, I still tread lightly. I think about him a lot, I think about the last moment with him when he pulled my hair back and kissed me. I think about all the self-imposed rules of conduct I feel ready to break because I am already in a danger zone. 

I found myself talking to my friend about the French guy...perhaps he will get a name soon other than the French guy. 

I was speaking with someone today about a possible orgy, gang bang, or whatever you would prefer to call it. I felt at first I can not do that. I have never done that with out a Dom to keep things safe and to help me through the experience. Im not so good at or I did not used to be good at advocating for my needs (like water or lube) I just never want to interrupt the flow so I just deal with whatever discomforts may come, but my Dom always had me. They took care of me and reminded me who I belonged to. However for a brief moment I though maybe I can do this by myself, maybe I can have a few men all to myself puling at my body. 

I really need some deep sexual satisfaction. I want to be in that sexual haze. I want someone to talk to me while I am getting fucked and me not be able to form words because my mind is gone from the pleasure. I want to be exhausted from the dick, I want to be sore, I want my nipples to be sucked hard and left with marks to remind me of the experience. I want to cry while I am getting fucked out the unending pleasure I can not control. Thats a big ask for one dick, but easy for 3.

I have been masturbating for two damm days and I can not get anywhere. I did watch this nice porn today of this white guy fucking small white girls, which generally is not my thing, but he was fucking them with the Magic Wand Vibrator and as them cum choking and slapping them. It was fucking wonderful, but it still did not do shit for me getting where I needed to be. 

The neighbor I talked about last week has been talking to me more. Its very strange to have this weird sexual secret with someone who lives like three houses down from  you. 

Denied Again

So great news I only cried one time today, with my mom, and only for a minute. I came close to crying as I was leaving a small holiday party and a close friend of mine forced a hug on me. All my friends and family know that I do not like to hug I never have. I never hug my parents or my sister or friends or family. I do hug my children often and I’m always wanting to hug the men I am involved with. It actually makes me anxious to have a friend come close to me and hug me. I remember the first time this happened. I was in Hershey Park for a school music competition,for which I played the saxophone, I was12 maybe 13 and we had won our competition. In that moment they announced our band had won and my best friend turned to me and threw her arms around me and all can remember is the feeling of her breasts touching mine. I definitely did not hate the feeling but I did nit know what these feelings were about. I pulled away by instinct and we went on to celebrate like nothing had ever happened but I feel like in that moment hugging became something sexualized and hugging friends and family did nothing feel right. 

However tonight as she announced she was going to give me a hug I began to feel emotional. I let her hug me kinda from the side and it felt good. I think my life would probably be enriched if I could allow myself platonic touch but I just can not. So in that moment it felt good and tears almost came to my eyes. 

The French man canceled our plans for today. He said something came up then later called to explain it a little further. I was really irritated. I was ready to go when he text me. I’m tried to be  understanding but we are not getting off to a good start. Things happen and I know that but had he just given me the dick when I wanted it last night then we would not be in this place Of irritation and inconvenience. I sound like a spoiled brat, I recognize that but I still think the dick denial was frivolous show of power. 

Last night left me in a state of pysical angst with no outlet and to add insult to injury he fucking canceled today as well. So in my mind I want to regroup and salvage my time and my try to get my needs met. I have options for that but before I can even get to working out a secondary dick plan when I get my period. So that just really reduced my options to damm near nothing. The French man says he does not mind period sex but who knows with him. I still just do not get him. I am attracted to him and he is still make me want to fall to my knees and give myself to him but he does not reassure me in a way that I crave. For example T talks about me about he wants to touch my soft body and how he like the way I feel and how he like to penetrates me. It feeds me.  I need to know I am desired. In person I did not feel like this. He made me feel desired and wanted and submissive all at the same time. However over text sometimes I feel I’m dragging words from him and almost like I am bothering him.  

I will tread lightly here. While he still hits all the right spots and I’m so intrigued by him I don’t want to feel like I am throwing myself at a man who maybe does not want to be bothered. 

And I would like to say for all the men out there who like it or at least do not mind period sex. Good for you! You are an amazing asset to women because women don’t just stop wanting to be fucked because we bleed. A friend of mine once said to me that blood is no different then all the other bodily fluid during sex. This one guy  went down on me while I had my period. 

We met where he worked after hours, a surgery center. I still don’t know how I felt about the oral sex but that was good sex that night. 

Ne Pleure Pas

It has been a different kind of day for me. One that feels a little more sad then I have had in a while. So much crying today. I feel like I just can't stop the tears from flowing. So much so that right before I started to sit down to write I took a pregnancy test. Crying is always a big sign of pregnancy for me, but as I am staring at it I am not seeing the little pink line show up and maybe I am just sad because life can be difficult and I am grieving the loss of somethings. Maybe it is normal to cry this much when you experience loss. I don't know. I also regularly take pregnancy tests for reassurance, because once you've gotten pregnant while using condoms correctly, you start to doubt everything in the universe. 

D called me this morning. He was in a much better mood than he has been in weeks. He was happily reporting that his divorce was now final. Part of me felt like telling him "it took you long enough" but I resisted the urge. I asked him how long he was married, 20 years he tells me and I think about that fact that he and I have been together for 18. We talked about some things, I told him about my job, I cried. He listened. We talked some more, I cried some more. I love that he lets me cry. Lord know he has made me cry enough in the years but it is so comforting to me when someone can just sit with me through the crying and sadness. He listens and sometimes he pushes my buttons just enough that I can really get in touch with my sadness.

T called me today to check in. I have not seen him in a few weeks and he has been leaning back a bit but I was happy to hear from him. I also cried on the phone with him. He also very graciously let me cry. I don't know if he remembers all the times I have cried with him, but in our relatively short relationship I feel like I have done a lot of crying. I think some people I just feel a deep sense of sincerity and security and I am able to get in touch with my feelings. Its nice but christ I need to stop crying. 

I spoke with my son's doctor today about his ADHD and starting crying there too. My children, as they should, govern my every moment in my life. I have put so much effort into their health, well being, education and I see my son struggling and I can't fix no matter how much love and attention I give him. Its hard to swallow. 

I even was texting with JF today a little bit and cried about that. I am going to go ahead and assume I am going to get my period in a day or two and this extreme crying will dissipate. I do feel deep loss about my job and my relationship with JF. I am also feeling something around my daughter getting older and needing me less. It is a double edge sword, she was once my little baby who needed me for everything and now she does things for me and I sometimes feel like she maybe does not even need me anymore. 

So much sadness today. I cried so much that I was contemplating canceling plans tonight I had made to meet the french guy. If you have followed the blog at all you would know that me giving up an opportunity for dick never happens, so it would have to be severe. I pressed on though. I started feeling less sad and I was so interested to see what my reaction to this man would be. The first night I had talked with him he said all the right things. I was hooked. The second and third time we chatted I was unsure if he really liked me, it just seemed as though he was less interested but he would say the right things just enough to keep me interested. So I was really on fence if he would be really interested in seeing me, and I like a lot of reassurance before I put myself out there in the world. I felt nervous to meet him. He suggested meeting at his house, but I could not bring myself to do it. I sent me the address and I looked it up and it looked too secluded, like I might go there and never come out. Something about his orgin made me nervous. I have met and dated (for lack of a better word) many types of men from all over the world but never a man from France and it made me nervous. I am not sure what I was anticipating but I think for some reason I had some implicit bias about European men. I did a google search of his name and at least the details he shared about himself matched what I could find out about him online, so that was reassuring.  So even though I felt nervous about just safety in general I still wanted him to touch me. We were texting one night and he said "I will fuck your pussy" and I swear with that I was done. The confidence in the statement made me wet. Just having a man claim that he will have me made me melt. I go to meet him. 

So I never have lots of time but I could do about two hours tonight and I was already feeling guilty about that. That is not ideal for meeting someone new if you plan on fucking because it take some time for me to calm down unless the man just touches me immediately like I prefer. I quicker I get the dick the quicker I relax. I show up, he pulls up next to me. He looks like his picture and I feel relieved. I think part of me was convinced that he was not who he said he was, I don't know what I was thinking.  

He gets into my car. But before he gets into my car I need to clear the mountain of shit off my front seat. Now this was humiliating to me. I actual thought to myself before I left that the car was a disgrace and I wanted to make sure the interior light was off so it would not show my disastrous mess of a car. Here it was a glimpse into my life that's messy and mom-like and not sexy at all. Either way I throw all the shit in the back and he gets in. 

I can't remember how our conversation started but I felt at ease with him pretty quickly, but I was taken by his mannerisms and how similar the way he speaks is like JF. It made me smile. There is something so fucking fantastic about men who are not from America. I really love it. They have such a different point of view of the world and it is refreshing. (And please don't take offense if you are American, I love different things about all types of men)

At some point he kisses me, for a second I like it but then I am reminded there is something about kissing that just feels forced for me. There are times during sex I might like to kiss like for a second sometimes I feel the urge, usually with D, but I would never kiss him, I just feel like that would be too bold. I do feel like he feels my desire because he will usually end of kissing me then. 

Anyway, he is talking with his hands and the light from the parking lot lights is just illuminating his hands and I zone out on what he is saying and look at his hands and think to myself how I want them in my pussy. I smile and come back to the conversation. I find it amusing that at this point he has not even shown me a dick pic, and I have not even touched it but I wanted it, big, small, whatever I wanted it because he is saying just what I needed him to. This is important for men with small dicks to remember, it can really be a lot about the mental stimulation.  He puts my hand on his dick and I am salivating over it. I want it in my pussy. He tells me to beg him. I feel silly but desperate for it, I give a half hearted attempt to beg for it at first. I am taken by just how owned I feel in the moment. How is this man I just met denying me dick that I was nervous about getting. How did the tables turn so fast? He was not begging me and that is the difference. That is the dominance I look for, the mental dominance. Not that I enjoyed him withholding sex from me I gained some respect for his ability to choose wether or not he wanted to give me pleasure or not and he was not acting purely on his animal insticnts , like I was. Maybe that is why I desire the dominance so much in men because I lack that self control in myself and someone it balances me out. Maybe... 

We move to the back of the parking lot for a bit more privacy, frankly I am ready to get out the car and bed over the front and take the dick in the parking lot, but he was not giving me the dick. He was touching me and ushered my mouth to his dick and let me suck his dick. Towards the end of our time together he suggested I make him cum by sucking his dick. I was so frustrated with my own realization that I was really not getting dick tonight that I swiftly told him no. Part of me is surprised that I said No and part of me was proud of myself. I never say no and particularly not to a man that is firmly reminding me that he is dominate over me, but I did and I really meant it. We agree to meet tomorrow at his house. I was a little bit stunned and maybe I still am. I don't think I remember many times when I did not get the dick that I wanted. I mean I am not sure it ever happened that I did not get the dick that was literally in my mouth. Before he left he grabbed me by my hair and pulled my hair back and kissed me. We parted ways. I sat in my car a second a little bit angry, moderately angry maybe. I just wanted dick, it was hard, it was big, it was right in front of me and I did not get it. 

As I pull away, can you guess what I do..... I start crying. No sobbing but that cry that comes from deep frustration. I see his car in front of mine and tears streaming down my face. Let me dissect this a minute. It was not the denial of dick exactly but that with the deep need to get into a mental zone where I forget my name. I wanted to get into the sexual pleasure zone where nothing else matters. I fucking needed it today, of all days, I needed to get fucked so hard that I loose the ability to speak coherently while it is happening. 

This all feeds into the domination, that I miss in my life. I remember the Doms that I did have in my life have all done this kind of thing to me before. This making me hate them for something and then they pull me back in. It is almost like the process of kneading dough, you pull it apart to strengthen it and bring it back together. 

At one point he mentions to me that he had been reading my blog. I felt just a little stunned because I just assumed that he did not  read because he had not mentioned it before. Most people say something to me right away about that. In that moment I felt my skin get warm with thought that he has read all my deepest feelings and knows all my secrets. It is so satisfying, the personal intrusion of someone reading my blog right in front me looking at me, touching me, kissing me. 

Lots of emotions today and this evening. JF just finally text me a reassuring text stating something to the affect that everything will be ok. I appreciate his effort to emotionally hold me up from a distance. Im working through some issues with him. I feel like I am starting to forget all the bad things and I am just remembering the good parts. My therapist told me I need to keep a list and remember it. I tend to forget the harsh realities of just how bad thing had gotten. But I am reassured that we are well on our way to a really positive friendship like I have with my first ex husband. 

So maybe tomorrow will be another post about how the french man fucked me or owns me... or maybe he gets off by denying me. I feel a little self conscience writing about him... We will see what tomorrow brings. I know I don't want to cry any fucking more!