I called him in a desperate attempt to make this sinking feeling in my chest go away. I wanted him to tell me that he loves fucking me and that I could never disappoint him. However I would have taken and small token that he still wants me. My rejection issues are pretty evident at this moment. He called me earlier and I was on the phone with work. He said me a text saying thanks for calling me back which made me call him right then. I said “You hurt my feelings yesterday and I was calling to talk about that” and he said “did you get over it yet”? And I barely heard that as the phone kept breaking up and I could catch like every other word. I think he said in the most pissy attitude that he did not have time for this and to call him Monday. His words twisted the dagger and hung up. I tried calling him back a few minutes later and the reception was still bad so I gave up. I may not have heard all his words but his tone was loud and clear. He did not want to deal with my emotions and he did not feel sorry about hurting my feelings. I quickly abort the mission and fall back to the submissive girl I am and text him saying I am sorry I bothered him and I will call him another day.   Shaking my fucking head in shame. Why do I let men make me feel so unworthy? And why will I make excuses for him hurting my feelings until the end of time just so I don’t have to admit that maybe he is just an asshole with a  good dick. 

Meanwhile  JF told me he will be home for the weekend and I was instantly mad. I don’t want him in my space, I don’t want him at all and being home will just make me uncomfortable. Maybe he will spend time with the kids…. Maybe. 

I can’t shake the disphoria I feel in my gut and in my chest. I now worry what if D is mad at me? What if he does not want to see me again? Maybe it is really over? Then I think about how maybe I need to take a new lover. Maybe I need a reset because this shit is not necessarily working for me. 

I can’t talk to anyone else about this right now. And I am ashamed to admit just how vulnerable I am with him. How that 30 second conversation will now haunt me for a long time and that I will feel uneasy until I am in his grip again. 

I should have just left it be and if God gives me the strength I think I will never bring it up again. Please God give me the strength, but I don’t know if it is possible. My mouth always moves faster then I would like it to. 

Highs and Lows

So I met him again today. I rarely see him 2x in a month but I was feeling a little bit sour about my current relationship and felt like I deserved this. The last time was so good too I was just like I want to do that again and I had an opportunity to I took it.

We met at our place. I was late. I am never late but zoom school ran late, I got stuck behind some farm equipment and so for one of the very few times he was waiting for me. To be honest by the time the morning came around I did not want to even go. I was tired and just really felt no my best and I know he always expects me to be 100%. In all fairness he is always 100%. Always. Every time.

We walked in and did our typical undress and talk and I suck his dick in similar fashion. In case you are new here we have been doing this for like 17 years we have a "dance". It works well we know what each other likes. And like every time before as his hard dick penetrates my body tears fall my eyes with sheet exhilaration and the contentment of a baby who has just received their pacifier back.
It is amazing. I was distracted at times but not too distracted that I could not squirt all over him in the bed several times. We were wet and sweating and he came and I rolled over and I could have slept there and been done. My body was very satisfied at that time. This is like after a solid 40 minutes of high impact fucking. That is NON STOP fucking, multiple orgasms for me. I was tired. He wanted anal and I was fine with that but sometimes for whatever reason we never find our flow with that, and somedays like last week - it is amazing. I need to relax for that and I think I was having trouble realaxing. This was the good part, but the rest left me feeling pissed that I even went through the effort to see him.

We were talking about life, his wife, his kids, my kids, all kinds of things. And we started talking about how things were in the beginning of our relationship. How we would fuck in the back of my suv all the time for hours a couple time a week, and how I was up for anything. He said I was different now. I immediately got defensive and was like yeah it was 20 years ago, 3 kids ago, I am chronically tired and raising three kids( one of his) on my own. He tried to keep the mood light but I could not let it go. His dick is different then is was when I met him, but I would never tell him that while he is still amazing I can see in the last 20 years there have been changes. There would be no benefit and it would hurt his feelings. Yet this son of a bitch made me feel like I was only worth the last good fuck I gave him and then in turn made me feel like this relationship is just about the physicality of sex. Maybe it is... but if it was just about getting off would we have continued it so long?

I left him feeling hurt and a bit stupid. He pretty much told me I am nothing. He tried to brush it off and keep it moving but it hurt my feelings and I am still feeling sad about it. I called him on my way home to talk to him about it, but he did not answer. Maybe tomorrow we can talk about it. I really don't need a lot to feel emotionally secure but I do need a little bit. And in 20 fucking years the nice things you have said to me have been so few and far between did you really feel like I needed that kick in the teeth to remind me that my body is not what it was, that I am tired, that I am not up for fucking all day everyday.

So I struggle with he is not wrong. I am different and if I am not making him happy he is letting me know. Which I think is ok and I have done the same in other relationships. However this hurt because you make allowances for people. And I need one. This has been the hardest time of my life these last few years and I am not sure if my mind and body will recover. I fighting for survival  and he is telling me I am not as willing and sexually adventurous as I used to be..... does he even know what my life is? How can he be so inept so blantenly unaware of my struggle. These are things I am not intentional ly doing. Im fucking beaten down and exhausted he is fucking I still have the desire to have sex.

So there were some highs and lows today. I do know it will be at least a good month before I see him a gain and let the dust settle. And we will se what he says when he calls me back. It should be "I'm sorry" but I am pretty confident it will not be.

I showered and shaved my legs the night before because I knew my time would be limited. That morning I woke up and got a call from D. I answered with a feeling of dread because I thought he was cancelling but we confirmed. I packed the kids up and got another call from my ex husband who was watching the kids that he needed me to pick them up earlier then agreed on. My heart sank. I found a work around and quickly gathered up the kids and dropped them off. And my afternoon began.

Oh how glorious it was to be on the road, going out, alone and with the anticipation of seeing D. I put on Wyclef Jean, which is one of my favorite artists and let the solitude soak in. I needed to drive about 50 minutes to meet him. For the first time ever I was late and he was sitting there waiting for me. As I pulled up to his truck I looked at him getting out and I think to myself how much I love this man. I just love being in his presence. He still retains his god like status in my mind. I logically understand that he has his flaws but when I see him I can only smile and feel like a teenager.

Its been a while since I have seen him, I think February was the last time. I think we in the room for like 30 seconds before he is undressed. I take my clothes off, leaving my shirt on because as I have mentioned I feel very self conscience about my body, even with him. He turns the tv on because I make a lot of noise and I guess he thinks the tv makes it better...

The dance begins, as it always does. He gently pulls my head over to his dick and pulls my hair up out of my face. I start to enjoy what I am doing as I hear him relaxing. I know what he likes and this is one of those things that if it is not broke then we don't need to fix it. It feels good that I know how to make him happy. The best part is how he touches me. How he rubs my body as I touch him and how gentle and loving it all is...fast forward. He is ready to fuck me now. He gets up to his knees and moves my body around where he wants it. No effort just moves me like I am a tiny women. He straddles my one leg and throws my other leg on his shoulder. I know this is deep penetration. I know what is coming.

The very moment he pushes his dick inside of me is the most amazing feeling. It always bring tears to my eyes. It feels so good and my body melts into his and before I know it I have tears running down my face as he fucks me. I struggle for a while with the size. I always seem to forget how big it is, but always manage.

We fuck many different ways. For the first time in a long time he gets me on top. A position I loathe. He has me face away from him and I find myself finally relaxing in this position to be able to fuck him. Then I turn around and I fuck him some more and then I squat down on his dick and we have this amazing intense sex that I can only describe as athletic. It was 90 minutes of continuous fucking. We were sweating, I have tears rolling down my face off and on and he comes. I lay there touching as much of his body as I can with my body. Trying to maximize the skin to skin contact because I just need to be touched. He rubs my back and he rests and maybe 5 minutes into that like a bat out of hell he jumps up slides my ass where he wants it and continues to fuck me. It was intense and I was not at all anxious. I was in the zone. Sub space as I had once known it. That place where nothing matters, there is no pain only pleasure. We fucked almost non stop for 2.5 hours. And just like that we were out of time. He gets himself put together, washes himself etc. I can barely move. I struggle to stand up to get my pants on, my legs are shaking. My hair is wet with sweat. I look like I have had vigourous sex for hours and I barely manage to get my clothes back on. We get ready to head out the door and I say "wait - I need a hug". I have been needing a hug from him the last couple of years.

A couple reasons. He has a significant health scare and I just realized how easily he can slip away from me. I never want the last encounter I have with him to be just walking out of the room unceremoniously. I want to wrap my arms around him and breathe in his scent and remember what it feels like to be held by him.
Then there is the fact I am so loved starved at home. I need a man to hug me.
Then there is the fact that I have loved this man for 17 years and I could never talk about my love for him or hug him before and since we reconnected I am all about getting what I need from him in terms of affection. It is like I don't give a fuck anymore. I love him and I want to hug him and he can learn to love it because it won't stop.

Back home I can't move off the couch the rest of the night. My energy is gone, but my body feels good. Today my body is sore, but with each tense muscle I am reminded of him and it makes me smile.

I spent some time talking with girlfriends today. I don't know how it came up but I shared the story about the furniture delivery guy, tito, that I fucked the day he delivery my armoire. And how I called him back to "repair" and we did it again.  It was nice to get positive feedback from women. I think this is an age thing. Women in their late 30 and 40 simply don't give a fuck anymore. It's nice. I think I could tell these women lots of my other stories and they would enjoy it and not pass judgment. I don't know. Eitherway it felt nice to relive those memories. I don't regret my sexual freedom days. It was amazing. I amazing sex I had back in the day!

Im not sure if I will ever get back to it but I am looking forward to trying :) I can defiantly see myself as an older women seeking younger men. I do love the young stamina of a man in his 20s.

Is depression, anxiety, pandemic? I don’t know what my problem is but I feel dead inside for lack of a better description. I has been a lot home with my children, educating, feeding, working from home with no support from JF. JF has been like a ghost in my life for the last year. He works two jobs and is literally only home to sleep, eat and shower. I am on my own. I have been clear with him how unhappy I have been but it is like he does not hear me and he does not get it. I staying in a sexless marriage for 11 years. I am not doing it again. I think we have had sex maybe 3 or 4 times in the last year. That was obligation sex not desire sex. He is obligated because he is my husband but I don’t think there was much desire there. And I was obligated because I was starving for this kind of touch and a starving man does not turn away food, even if they are not thrilled about eating it. I think he is selfish is so many ways that he does not see. He would not describe himself that way but I would. He is cold and does not seem to notice me at all. I am so mentally done with this relationship. I would like him to be out of my house but I know the kids do enjoy seeing him the little they do and money would be an issue if he was needing to live somewhere else. So whatever he does not sleep with me, but I have to stop wanting for him to love me the way I want to be loved. I sometimes think if we just talk one more time he will get it. He will turn into the man I remembered I would feel connected to him and our family would continue. I don’t know how many times is enough talking, but I think I have hit enough. If I ask him to leave, he will leave. He will not even try to convince me. I just need to say go and my family will slowly being to dissolve and I will be left with the full responsibility of raising these kids. 

And then so there is D. D makes comments about living with me, about when JF is leaving. But D is not wanting me, or that’s how it feels. He is unstable right now as he finally left his wife so it feels like I might be the next best thing. (Oh that hurt my heart to type that). Its not that he does not like to spend time with me, but out time together in the world that has been spent not fucking is limited. I feel like he, in equal parts, knows me better than anyone and knows nothing of who I am. He is my lover and he knows my body and he knows my feelings and emotions about love and sex but he does not know how I sacrifice for my children, how I feel unworthy a lot, he does not know of the daily struggles with depression, he does not know how little I have left to give, even to him. I am going to see him this week, or at least that is the plan. I want to be excited but I am not there. I feel stress that the logistics of getting there will happen, I feel like if I feel this depressed when I see him will I be able to enjoy myself. There have been 2x in the like 17 years I have been with him that I was too stressed to enjoy the dick. 

Both were quite recently. Both at my house. I felt like I had like a mini anxiety attack and I just wanted to do it and get it over with. He noticed. He did not understand how I was feeling, he was accommodating but not empathic. So I am afraid it will happen again. So many times when I see him I want the dick but then I want to just lay with him, in his arms, resting my face on his chest. It feels so natural. He watches tv I hate, I just lay there bask of the glory of his hand rubbing my back.  

I don’t know D either, not like I should after knowing him so long. I don’t know what eats, what he does in spare time. I don’t know what relaxes him or stresses him. I don’t know what he looks like angry. I don’t know what his dreams are and is like me and always striving to be a better person or is just content with who and what he is… I wonder if this is something I will ever know about him. I just don’t know where our relationship will go right now. 

In truth I really don’t mind being a single mom. There are a lot of positive things about not having to answer to anyone else. I just wish I was mentally stronger at the moment. I don’t know if I have ever felt so weak. Weak in every facet of my life. My body is tired. I have this tennis elbow which I think I got from vaccumming…. Let that sink in a minute. That is how much I vacuum. It is not a compulsion, it is just a necessity.  I hurt my foot walking so much early in this lock down. And somedays my body just feels like it has had enough. My mind might be the most tired. I call my kids by the wrong name all day everyday. I never get it right. I yell a lot more then I would like to and sometimes I can’t remember what I am doing. But my spirit my poor spirit. It might just be completely broken. I seemed to have lost my will to do much of anything. Im just trying to get through. I feel like there has got to be more to life then just trying to get through. 

I have to type this in my Pages app in a very small font and cut and paste to the blog later, because my children can read or two thirds of them can and they are all very interested in what I am doing at all times. Im not even completely comfortable sharing this computer. My last post I found myself editing myself in my head even before I wrote it. This lurking thought of what other would think of me damaged what I enjoyed about my writing so much. I can not articulate quite yet what I am afraid of…yet. I want to get back to the the joy I found in sharing details of my life and making what is such “vanilla” looking life a good read. 

I recently have become close with my neighbors. Two women both so different then me, but I have found comfort in their friendship in a way I have never found in a relationship with a woman before. Women never offered me anything before. I had not interest in putting time into those relationships. However as I have found my own relationship is currently dying and my relationship with D is something that leaves me empty at times these women have been the light of my life. They are raising children and we all have very different relationships and upbringings situations but we can lean on each other. And I have shared some of the gritty details of my life with them. 

I did not share the gang bangs or the time I stood pressed up against a hotel room window on the 3rd floor facing a parking lot of people while a group of me fucked me from behind. There are just some things I don’t believe other women will never understand. But they know I have had an eventful life and that I left no stone unturned as I fucked my way through my twenties and well almost all of the thirties. 

I feel so miserable this evening. This dysphoric snake is choking the joy right out of me. I can not stand it. I typically would just take a pharmaceutical to ease my suffering but it is too late in the evening. If I do that I can’t take the sleeping pill that I must take or I don’t sleep at all. So here I sit with my noise canceling headphones and glasses and I struggle to see what is on the screen in front me so my daughter does not walk by and catch a word I am typing. The children are screaming and playing around me. My “partner”, I don’t remember what I called him. Perhaps he needs a new pseudonym  that more fits where is at in my life. The man I share a house with….I don’t know even what to call him. Two of the kids, father, him. He is here but we are sleeping separately due to the COVID as he works outside of the home with lots of people who have had it and we don’t the kids of me getting that. It is like he is not even here anymore. He works all the time but when he is not working he just is here sleeping or eating. We don’t talk. I don’t feel really compelled to say anything to him. Nothing I say matters anyway. He is aloof to my feelings and minimizes everything. He does what he wants regardless of what I need or want.  We don’t have sex or at least have not in many months. We do not kiss or hug even. Partly the Covid but the other part is like why bother? This shit just seems to be over. Then all at once I will be sitting quietly and I overcome with this feeling of how much I love him and how he is a good man and how much I once was in love with him. I want to love him like that again. I want to be swept off my feet so much that I love this man for everything that he is good and bad and I respect him. I used to respect him. I revealed in his attention at one time. I felt complete with him. But now, oh Jesus now I just feel contempt when I think about him too long. Too many complications too many disappointments, too many days that I felt unloved and too many times my needs were not met. I respected him as a man so much I consciencely chose to have my 3rd child with him. It was no accident. How could I be so wrong? Where did we get off track?  

I have enjoyed him not being in my bedroom at night. I like my bed to myself. In all fairness I never sleep alone there are always at least 1 child making their way to me in the night sometimes two. I don’t miss him. I miss feeling loved. I miss the family time we used to have. I miss the confidence I had in him but him I don’t miss right now. I am done. 

I spoke with D today. He sometimes talks about us living together. Today we talked about that fantasy again. All I can think about is D would never let me be. There would be sex all the time. I could not function. I need like 9 hours a sleep just to get by… he likes to fuck a lot. How would I handle that, or more to the point how would he handle me not putting him first as I still parent my young children. Who needs that. I have done nothing much else with my life to speak of but raise my children. I don’t make a ton of money, I don’t change lives with the work I do, my mark on this world is raising these three little people to be the most self actualized loving kind amazing people I can. This fucking shit is hard and I have given all my energy to it. My face shoes the exhaustion I have felt over this 13 years of parenthood. I have given so much no man is going to compromise my plan of getting these kids to where they need to be. 

And lets circle back to why did I ever want to live with a man. I much prefer to just have my needs met by attending some kind of gang bang once a month and be done with it. It just seems soooo much easier. And while it is hard for me to reconcile these two parts of myself (as I type this I am listening to a religious hymn) it seems like the better way to go. I don’t have the mental energy for another relationship. D can meet my needs but I don’t think I want to see him in my home. This is my territory and he is so dominate I can’t be what I want to be…. 

Is njsubmissivegirl finding her dominate side? I have never thought about that until just now. I am dominate in all aspects of life but sex. I have just had enough of it all. I never left a gang bang feeling disappointed or unloved. I knew what I was going to get, I got it and I felt satisfied when I left. I always did have a Dom taking care of the details of that for me. I never wanted to speak to people. I think that is hilarious. I would legit not speak at these parties. I had no desire to speak to anyone. What would we say? Just fuck me already, I can talk to people I know. I just her for a physical experience. So I do miss it. I miss it a little. But I don’t know if I could do it again. 

There is my body. My changing body. I have never been a slim woman but 3 babies, and the last one was at 38. Your body takes a beating. I weigh more than I want to, I look more tired then I should. 

There is this sense of believing not that it is wrong but it is a gross indulgence that I should have more control of myself. Its like eating a whole pint of ice cream. It is not wrong but come on show some self control!