Ok so its been a little bit since I posted. I actually tried to post a few times but I found what I wrote was not flowing and I had no passion behind it, so I just left it alone. My mental health has been struggling as depression has been crushing my soul. I small medication change and I feel better. I little more clear, but I do notice sex has not been on my mind as it had been before. I even went through this month with out the regular need for sex I have right before I get my period. There was nothing. This concerns me and gives me a much needed break that has allowed me to see things more clearly than I have before. It gives me some vigor to take another step through life as a single mother.
Tonight I called D. I just had not talked to him in a while, or a few days and I wanted to say hello. If I am being honest I am testing the relationship a little bit to see if we have anything to say to each other on this phone other than when are we seeing each other. And I know we talk, in person sometimes, on the phone sometimes, we are able to have conversations with each other. But I just wanted to check in and say hello. It did not go well.
Some back story... he is asking me for a threesome. I don't really want to do that. I just don't feel like it. I have had enough threesomes to know that it is really not my thing. However I would do it for him, because I know he will do whatever I want him to do for me. So I am not against it, but I tell him I don't know anyone and he insists I do. We go over the details and there is one person we come up with, I actually talked with her about it and she was not interested. Im more for finding someone just for the purpose of fucking and not incoorparting a threesome into my regular life. He does not feel that way and he does not meet people on line and does not participate in the internet in that way.
So we talked about it tonight, as he thinks I can convince this women to play with us and I have no interest in convincing anyone and more to the point I don't want to hurt my relationship with her. He just thinks everyone is fucking like we are and I know that is just not the case. People like myself are a rarity. I have met FEW women who share the desire for sex like me and I think my desire borders on a diagnosis.
He made a statement about he he was going to "trade me in" as he had done several week ago. I think he thinks it is funny but I was quick to shut his shit down and I also think that made him made. I started to cry a little bit and he was like "I am going". I sent him a text asking him why he treats me like I have no value to him". But I know the answer.... I don't have value to you. You don't try to make someone you value feel bad about themselves. And this conversation has reminded me so clearly that there is more dick out in the world. There are other options. And certainly if it is just a about fucking I can find someone close to me to do that. Perhaps it is time to look into this!
I actually started going back through the archives to think about who I can see instead of D. Part of me knows I will be back on his dick just as soon as I can.......this is why I will be talking with my therapist tomorrow about D. SMFH. It is like a disorder.
Sad part is I love him but I know he does not love me how I love him. Am I back to where I was 8 years ago....praying for God to take him from me. It is such a disfunctional cycle...
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
Saturday, July 11, 2020
Cant Get There
So the other day when I saw D I don't think I orgasmed. Of course it felt great and I loved it but I don't think I really orgasmed. If I did it was not memorable. D was trying lots of things that usually work but nothing. I came home that night and tried with my vibrator, which works within a minute or two most of the time. But nothing! I spent about 30 minutes watching this amazing video of this girl getting fucked by 4 black men with giant dicks. The video was great. I tried the vibrator again and nothing. Im feeling a little frustrated by my body lack of response. I don't know what I need to fix this. It has never been a problem before.
It occurs to me that I do want to talk with D about our relationship and maybe that is something that is affecting my ability to relax and just let what will be happen. I have come to some level of peace with that. I know that D loves me. I know by the way he cares about me and listens to me and always tries to help me. I don't know if he is in love with me the way I am in love with him... but I know he loves me. And as I write the statement I think maybe he does not love me. Maybe he is just a nice person and just likes fucking me... I would hurt me if he did not love me. Its like if someone I just met does not love me..ok... they barely know me. But D knows me so well. He knows ME. Not me as a parent or me as any other role in my life but he see me for me and if he did not love that then that shit would pretty much be devastating.
I keep trying to tell myself I need to let it breath. I just need to go through the steps of ending one relationship before jumping into another. If I can just keep my need for validation from D under control I think things will naturally fall into place as they should.
In other news I am feeling so much better than where I was 2 months ago. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday and thought WOW I don't look exhausted! The chronic look of a worn out out beaten mother of 3 has lifted. I look a little bit fresh like I still have some life in me. I also have more energy.
It is exciting and a great sign I am moving my life in the right direction.
It occurs to me that I do want to talk with D about our relationship and maybe that is something that is affecting my ability to relax and just let what will be happen. I have come to some level of peace with that. I know that D loves me. I know by the way he cares about me and listens to me and always tries to help me. I don't know if he is in love with me the way I am in love with him... but I know he loves me. And as I write the statement I think maybe he does not love me. Maybe he is just a nice person and just likes fucking me... I would hurt me if he did not love me. Its like if someone I just met does not love me..ok... they barely know me. But D knows me so well. He knows ME. Not me as a parent or me as any other role in my life but he see me for me and if he did not love that then that shit would pretty much be devastating.
I keep trying to tell myself I need to let it breath. I just need to go through the steps of ending one relationship before jumping into another. If I can just keep my need for validation from D under control I think things will naturally fall into place as they should.
In other news I am feeling so much better than where I was 2 months ago. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday and thought WOW I don't look exhausted! The chronic look of a worn out out beaten mother of 3 has lifted. I look a little bit fresh like I still have some life in me. I also have more energy.
It is exciting and a great sign I am moving my life in the right direction.
Thursday, July 9, 2020
Therapy
So I started therapy again. I had my first session today. What do I talk about.... D. It is always D. Today we talk about my stress surrounding my unknown thoughts about how D feels about me. She asked me "shouldn't you know if he wants to be your man" considering we have been seeing each other for so long. But I don't. I know that I am not good at picking up on "signals" or people giving hints. I am very blunt and I prefer people speak to me in that way too. I don't know why I struggle to read between the lines in communication but I do. So does D want me? Like really want me? So I think he wants to live with me but what does that mean... Does living with me mean you are my boyfriend? Are you going to be my partner? or does that mean we are just going to fuck more often. It has been several months this has been on my mind. In a perfect world he would tell me that he loves me and wants to be with me but he does not say that. He says things that vaguely hint to that or maybe he does not say that at all. Maybe I just think that because that is what I want to hear.
I try to mentally prepare myself for D living with me. I often say to myself how would situation be different if D was here. There are so many times that I think how great it would be to have him here but equally frustrating at times. But as my friend pointed out maybe we should just date. Date? Do we need to date? I feel like we are so far past that. Dating is something that you do when you are trying to get to know someone. I know D. I know he is friendly in public and makes me jealous when he chats up other women. I know that he is playful at times and I know he get miserable sometimes and that tends to be when I can do nothing right for him. I know he struggles with money and the best I can tell he might be a hair on the lazy side when it comes to work. Not fucking but work maybe I would say not lazy but quick to throw in the towel. I feel like it does not take much for him to become disenchanted and say fuck it (with many situations).
Realistically what is wrong with me. I still have JF living in this house with me why am I even thinking this far ahead. Can I let it breathe a mintue! I do this too much. I need to relax myself a little bit and let things come as they come. But I am in an all out anxiety fueled emotional panic thinking about if this man loves me or not. I love him so much and I will take any relationship I can get with him. So if he does not love me and just wants to fuck me I think I will take that. But do we think he does not love me? Can someone weigh in on this?
The therapist asked me if I could think about what it would be like to have no man in my life over the next week. OMG I have thought about it. It does not feel good. My first instcint is I need to have sex. If there is no man who will I have sex with. I don't want to live without sex. I don't want to be alone. I like a man to make me feel loved and cared about and for me that all happens with sex. You see I think there are just bigger issues here that can't be addressed, like why do I need this feeling of a man loving me so badly.
Ugh. Now Im feeling so much angst. This is exactly why I always end up stopping therapy. I can not take the effects of all the feelings.
I try to mentally prepare myself for D living with me. I often say to myself how would situation be different if D was here. There are so many times that I think how great it would be to have him here but equally frustrating at times. But as my friend pointed out maybe we should just date. Date? Do we need to date? I feel like we are so far past that. Dating is something that you do when you are trying to get to know someone. I know D. I know he is friendly in public and makes me jealous when he chats up other women. I know that he is playful at times and I know he get miserable sometimes and that tends to be when I can do nothing right for him. I know he struggles with money and the best I can tell he might be a hair on the lazy side when it comes to work. Not fucking but work maybe I would say not lazy but quick to throw in the towel. I feel like it does not take much for him to become disenchanted and say fuck it (with many situations).
Realistically what is wrong with me. I still have JF living in this house with me why am I even thinking this far ahead. Can I let it breathe a mintue! I do this too much. I need to relax myself a little bit and let things come as they come. But I am in an all out anxiety fueled emotional panic thinking about if this man loves me or not. I love him so much and I will take any relationship I can get with him. So if he does not love me and just wants to fuck me I think I will take that. But do we think he does not love me? Can someone weigh in on this?
The therapist asked me if I could think about what it would be like to have no man in my life over the next week. OMG I have thought about it. It does not feel good. My first instcint is I need to have sex. If there is no man who will I have sex with. I don't want to live without sex. I don't want to be alone. I like a man to make me feel loved and cared about and for me that all happens with sex. You see I think there are just bigger issues here that can't be addressed, like why do I need this feeling of a man loving me so badly.
Ugh. Now Im feeling so much angst. This is exactly why I always end up stopping therapy. I can not take the effects of all the feelings.
Afternoon Out
I spent my afternoon in bed with D yesterday and so I always need to relive that through the words of the blog. I was so excited just to be out of the house and going to somewhere alone. When D got out of the car he seemed really happy, I think he was smiling. It was nice. The room we were in was hot. The air was working but it needed a long time to cool the room down. He gets undressed and asked me why I still have my clothes on. I undress and get in the bed with him and immediately start sucking his dick. In this moment I am so happy he is touching me, I am touching him. It feels so good to be close to a man and he smells so good. It is not long before he jumps down to the end of the bed and spreads my legs and repositions me until I am where he needs me so he can fuck me well. He does not go slow. Before I even can take a breath to enjoy what is happening he is in my body and fucking me with vigor. It was like he was starving for the pussy and just could not wait one more second. It is so hot in the room soon we are both covered in sweat and our bodies are slide against each other. It feels so fucking primal. There is a moment whenever we fuck that my body gives in and I relax enough to spread my legs wide and give him my body. When this happens I can tolerate pain and enjoy it.
He wants to fuck my ass and I do not hesitate. As last time I said No he was really upset with me. So that will never happen again. As always anal takes a long time for me, I think he lost interest and we moved on. (I was not sad about that). I was there about 2.5 hours I think we were not actively fucking for like maybe 10 minutes. I just do not understand how this man is able to fuck like this, but I am so grateful. There was this one moment when I was on my back with my legs up and spread and he was on top me but more side to side then face to face with me. He could get a better angle that way and I was watching his black as fuck me so hard and so fast. It was an amazing visual and an amazing feeling.
I feel myself allowing myself to love him more than I have let myself in the past. Im looking at his picture, I am thinking about him constantly. I am talking to him on the phone more. I just feel nervous about that. I love him so much but I have kept that feeling at a mindful distance for so long because it was not something I could have, but now we are single. But does he want me? Can we transition this into something more? Am I going to be single for ever because I am fucking D ?
He wants to fuck my ass and I do not hesitate. As last time I said No he was really upset with me. So that will never happen again. As always anal takes a long time for me, I think he lost interest and we moved on. (I was not sad about that). I was there about 2.5 hours I think we were not actively fucking for like maybe 10 minutes. I just do not understand how this man is able to fuck like this, but I am so grateful. There was this one moment when I was on my back with my legs up and spread and he was on top me but more side to side then face to face with me. He could get a better angle that way and I was watching his black as fuck me so hard and so fast. It was an amazing visual and an amazing feeling.
I feel myself allowing myself to love him more than I have let myself in the past. Im looking at his picture, I am thinking about him constantly. I am talking to him on the phone more. I just feel nervous about that. I love him so much but I have kept that feeling at a mindful distance for so long because it was not something I could have, but now we are single. But does he want me? Can we transition this into something more? Am I going to be single for ever because I am fucking D ?
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