My Black Dress

 So D called. Two hours later he was in my bed. 

This is the first time I have been able to fuck in my own house since JF and I split up. It was nice not having to have him sneak in during the darkness of night and be sure the neighbors are not catching him. It is the little things in life that make me happy. And fucking in my own house makes me happy. 

He came in, I am just smiling because I am happy to see him. I show him some work in my house that I want him to help me with and then we go upstairs. I walk in front of him and he slaps my ass so hard as we walk up the steps. I am wearing a black dress. I went into the office today so I had office appropriate clothes. The dress was pretty non descript but I loved the way it fit me. We go into my bedroom and I slip off my panties but I leave the dress on. I just sometimes like to have clothes on for a bit. I start to suck his dick. I did notice it did not get instantly hard as usual, I find this disheartening but I prevailed it really only took a minute before I was ready for the hard dick. I am wearing the dress still. He straddles one leg and puts the other on his shoulder and fucks me so deep. It is all kind of a blur to me now. It was so hot in my room because I shut the windows so the whole neighborhood did not hear me. We were fucking so vigorously. My eyelids were sweating. It was a lot of cardio. Thinks are getting more and more intense and he rips my dress open and gets a look at my tits and rips it all the way open so my tits are exposed. I loved that dress but it was hot. 

I take what is left of the dress off and lay naked while we talk. I tell him I would like to stop talking about him every week in therapy and I would like to talk about our relationship. He is not having it. He does this often. If he is not in the mood for the relationship talk then they just don't happen. And he only gets in the mood like 2x a year. We talk about life for a bit, I have to take a work call and I refuse to let him touch me while I take the call. We then start fucking again but this time I can not stop squirting. He loves it when that happens, but he just kept making it happen over and over again. By the time it was over my there was a puddle in my bed. 

I noticed he looked older than when I saw him last. He has more white hair in his beard, he is thinner. He looked so mortal to me today and not this god like man. He also talked about wanting another women and reminded me how no one is going to take my place and also reminded me about the time when he brought men for me to fuck. It was like 15 years ago but he did do it. Then he reminded me it is his birthday next week. So this man wants me to get him a woman to fuck which I am going to put some mild effort into doing because he will do anything I ask him to do for me. And I prefer to be the one in control of this situation. 

We start to get dressed and as I am rushing around because I have to pick up children he starts looking around my room. He goes into my closet, looks at everything in there, he starts going through my dresser drawers, he opens up the cabinet in the bathroom. He is just looking. He asked me about why I moved my computer up to my room... I did not want to say so I can blog about you with out the kids interrupting but that is why I did it. I just stand there and watch him touching all of my things. He even asks me about marks on my skin. I feel like it is an inspection but I really love it. We go down stairs and he asks me why my house is so messed up... the downstairs was a mess (and still is) because I have 3 kids and by mid week the house is shot and needs a cleaning. It was nice of him to mention it, SMH. Then he tries to tell me how the kids should be cleaning up after themselves and I rolled my eyes a little because he tries to tell me how to raise kids all the time. 

Its that level of comfort I love. That I don't feel like I need to clean my house for him to come over and I don't even need to get dressed, pjs will do. I hug him before he leaves and I lean my face in and smell him as I rub my hands all over him. He is used to this routine of me smelling him and taking it all in while I hug him. And the best part is we walk out together, even talk a minute outside and I did not have to hid anything. 

Updates

I wonder if D will call me tomorrow. He said he was coming down my way again but he also said he was “done” with me in our last conversation. I don’t really believe that he is done with me, but I do believe he will punish me for awhile. My stomach gets that butterfly feeling in when I think about it. The nervousness creates such a physical reaction that I feel like I can not take it but I am not calling him. Im just not going to do it this time. Or rather I am not going to do it now. Maybe next week…but today its a firm no even know my stomach is in knots over it. 

So T is maybe coming over Thursday, to my house. This adds this additional layer of excitement for me. My house feels a lot like my blog. It is private and feels like having someone come there is like how it feels for people to read my blog. Its like and invasion of my privacy and it feels so good. The other day when I saw T I wanted to kiss him a little bit, weird because I generally hate kissing but I wanted him to engage with me in that way. Just lightly kiss my lips and draw my focus back to him and off of the pleasure he was giving me. I don’t know if he will ever kiss me, I think I scarred him with my reaction to it when we were first together. Thinking about him makes me feel submissive and he makes me feel a little bit like a little girl. Im not totally comfortable with saying that but sometimes I feel very young minded when I am with him. He seems to be a deep thinker and I view him as a powerful man. I think about him golfing with his friends and I have this image of all of his friends being physically smaller then him and weak men and he stands out as the strong cool one for lack of better word. I think about him a lot. I think about submission with him and bondage. Its been a long time since I have played with bondage but I am hoping T will lead me back that way. 

JW, I think is ghosting me again. This bothers me. I guess it bothers me for a few reasons. I feel rejected. He knows me and yet he is not responding. So that feels quite personal to me. I feel like I can not understand what motivates him to do or not do the things he does. I also feel like he is generally a nice person and he knows it will hurt my feelings…so why does it keep happening? What am I missing here? I am sure it is obvious to everyone else.

JF is not out of my house. It has been nice. I have not been able to really enjoy that as much as I would like but it is a start. I am frankly looking forward to him going to Africa so the kids can stop asking about him and I can not have to think about him. He was drunk the other day and said some mean things to me. This man is losing his shit and I don’t know how you are mean to someone who has done so much for you. The next day he claimed he never said any of it. SMH

So I have been looking to add to my team of men that I need to keep me satisfied. There are a couple prospects. It is overall very hard to find the kind of man I am looking for. I am less worried about meeting new people than I was. I think I have just gotten to a level of desperation that I can not worry about it anymore. 

I do feel like I am starting to see my self slip back into my old ways. I spend a lot of time of my day talking about sex or thinking about sex. I think if I was just having it I would not be so obsessed. I have not even went out but I was feeling guilty about already. I feel like I need to be reminded that sex is normal. I have always been shamed for wanting to have sex. By my first husband, by JF too. I don’t know how I found two men who care so little for sex to be with for such a long time. Im feeling better than I have been. I know I have occasionally mentioned my struggles with depression. This last episode has last three years with just a little relief from meds. However I started a new med and I am feeling really good. Im not a 100% but I am well on my way. I think this new feeling of mental wellness adds to my sexual desire. I just want to get back to where I was….a team of dick to keep me happy so I can focus on everything else in my life. 

Men! SMFH

I think maybe I need to reevaluate something in my life. Mainly my relationship with D. So D calls me and we make plans for tonight. He was working locally and he was not sure what time he was going to be done so we were playing it by ear. I send my kids to sleep at my ex’s house so I can have the house to myself. I have an argument with JF about that. And I text him at 9, he says we will call me in a few. I call him an hour later and he is on his way back north because he said he called me and I did not answer. I lost my shit. He says he will be back Wednesday. I told him how upset I was because he knew I sent the kids out tonight  and that I had the house to myself. Im really pissed. It is this kind of unreliability I can not tolerate. I missed his call because my phone is not ringing when he calls… its been doing it for the last few days. So don’t you think you would logically text me or leave me a voice message or something, not just give it an hour and leave. I just have a bad taste in my mouth with D lately. He has been so unreliable and not taking care of the pussy. He has had money problems that impact everything in his life and I am exhausted with it. I miss his dick though. I feel like he is doing it on purpose because he knows I am single and I might be looking for more from him and the being broke thing I just one of his constant problems.  I feel like I want to cry from the way our conversation end with him saying he is done, but I know he will be around or maybe he won’t. But he has been so unreachable lately. I can not even get upset. Im exhausted with it. 

I go through a lot of shit but I never have my life that out of order. 

JF and I have had some words today. He was drunk was the problem, It did not go well. He is a  sad man lately. I do feel sorry for him, but I am sure it will not be long before he finds himself another woman to suck off of. And frankly the sooner the better because less for me. I just need this bitch to give me the money he owes me and to take care of his kids. He threaten me that he was not going to see the kids anymore because he is mad at me. Such an idiot. 

I was in panera bread today and I see this man who looks like JW.  Keep in mind he had a mask on so it was hard but it looked liked him. I watched from a far, he spoke like him and moved like him. Then he turned and started walking toward me, my heart starting beating faster and he walked right past me like he had not seen me at all. So It made me think about JW, who has been on my shit list for lack of communication and follow through, I told myself I was not going to contact him again because he knows where I am and what the deal is, but in a weak moment I text him asking him what his problem was…This is just is MO and I am sick of it. What happened to just bring the dick and lets play.

Then T was on my mind a lot today. My body is sore from the fucking the other day. The kind of sore that every way you move you are reminded of how good it was. I want him to spank me. I have this vision of him bending me over the bed and pulling my pants down and spanking me with the good firm spank that tingles but does not cause pain. Then I would like him to say shit to me, like whisper to me that I am a good girl or I have been a bad girl either way. 

There is something about T that allows me to be teary and cry, Even on the phone we have talked about things that make cry, it comes so easily and it does not seem to bother him. Sex and crying together is the holly grail for me. When sex can make me cry it has been amazing. 

I find myself less anxious about meeting new people then I was. I pretty sure the desperation for regular dick made that possible.

I think talked about building my team. I am pretty serious with that. I need a team of men to meet my needs. Men are so inconsistent and my schedule is not very open I think arranging a team makes good sense. Im not in a hurry to find people but I am actively seeking. So I put a very simple profile up on two websites. There has been only one guy that interested me. I got a lot of feedback from white guys which almost made me consider messaging one back, but I thought better of it in the end. The one guy I talked to just got on my nerves. First of all do I need to send you a full body pic in the first 3 texts.. but ok I get it. In the interest of not wasting time I oblige. Then he immediately starts talking about fucking me raw and cumming in side of me and it just made me want to vomit. First I feel like why is that the first thing out of your mouth. You don’t want to use a condom? Do people use condoms anymore? Or are people only worried about covid and like fuck let me just hit that raw… the whole thing really turned me off. I love sex without a condom but I also like to have sex with a lot of people so that does not really mesh. And wait then there is pregnancy. Is this man just like fuck it. This is a job interview. I need a man to complete a job and to be honest I feel like I need someone spectacular to make it through the screening process. There are sooo many things that turn me off. Smoking(even though D smokes), poor grammar,  submissiveness in a man, poor manners, dressing too street, wearing hats with the stupid sticker on the top, not being able to have an intelligent conversation.  There are a lot of little things. Either way I am still working on a team. 

I have been having all these feelings about JF lately. First I am a little slighted that I feel like he has just moved on so easily. Nothing seems to effect him. He accounts this to his life experiences and his spirituality. However the shit is annoying. I want him to feel a little jilted from this. I want him to be sad a little bit. I wanted him to fight for me a little bit. I also want to have this conversation that gives me this closure I need but he won’t talk and he won’t say the things I need him to. I miss him a little bit. I miss the way he would hold me sometimes. I felt so loved in those moments. Those were the moments have been hard to come by for the last two years but when he tried he made me feel like I was the only one that mattered to him in the world. He stopped by to see the kids before he went to work the other day and on his way out he touched my arm. I got such an instant sensation of butterflies, like I did when I first met him. Even as we talk about the kids I look at him and I am still very attracted to him. He looks like shit for the last years because all he does is work. I swear he has aged 10 years in the last 2 but I want him sometimes. I suppose that is all normal. You just don’t turn chemistry and feelings off. I am 85% sure I have made the right move, but if I am being honest I kinda of hope he comes back from Africa a changed man and turns back into the man I feel in love with. I am not holding my breath, it is just a fantasy I have. 

I saw T today. This time we met not at my house. So my ex could not cock block me. I had so many feelings about having sex with someone kind of new. (As a refresher I met T 10 years and we had a very short relationship) So I know him but we have just recently reconnected. We have had this day planned for over a week. I feel the build up was insane for me. Nervousness and hunger for dick made for a really anxious week and morning. I was nervous about being naked in front of someone. Only D sees me naked and I don’t love that either but D has seen my body pregnant and post partum and at my thinnest and at my heaviest. I was thinking about that, about what I should wear, should I wear my hair up or down. And meeting a hotel always makes me more nervous. There were so many people there. I feel like everyone would be looking at me and judging me. I got into the room and T is so chill it makes me feel extra crazy because it just feels like he is so cool moving about life and I am like a crazy person inside. He was trying to make me feel comfortable and give me sometime to relax which did help. Although if he would have just bent me over the bed and spanked me some that would have done the trick as well. We sat on the bed until I was brave enough to ask him to move closer and then it begins, he put my hand on his rock hard dick and I am instantly in a different mental place. All I can think about is how this dick is so hard and so thick as I rub it through his pants. It was not long before we were taking clothes off, but I was in my head on that one a little bit too. Turns out a hard dick will ease lots of nerves and allow me to do what I need to do.  As I take his dick into my mouth I am so excited that is bigger then I remember and it was so hard. I feel like I don’t know what he wants, I don’t know how to make him happy but as I was sucking his dick he did seem happy.  My goal is to do it well, I think I did but I don’t know him well enough to know for sure. 

At some point I catch myself moaning this loud guttural moan, it takes me back a little. I don’t want to sound like animal in heat but I think I did anyway. I was very aware of myself. I would get lost for a moment in the zone of pleasure but my nerves would bring me back and allow me to be self conscience. I came many times but I would have more if I could have not been so nervous it would have allowed me to go deeper into my zone. I want to forget my name. 

I have been so stressed about sex and life in general getting in to the fuck zone is like knocking down a wall. He knocked down a lot of it and I am hoping to see him much more to keep getting closer and closer to that zone of forgetting where I am. I found myself all teary eyed on the way home. This is a good thing. It is like sometimes when there is this great sexual release I want to cry or I finally can cry. Its good. My body feels so much better. 

Reminders for the Future

JF has been moving his things out a little at a time. There is this part of me that feels bad for him each time I see him taking his stuff out of this house. I am reminded about how much I was in love with him. I really thought I would be with him forever. For years I was so happy and then it just all went to shit. Marriage is so hard. Love is not enough. The cultural differences are so profound I think that I did not understand just how different his culture views relationships. And it was so naive of me to think that we would more through with ease. I feel like for many years he did what I wanted him to but then found it to be too much of a stretch to care for children, wash dishes, and be a 50/50 partner in parenting. And his cultural upbringing gives him a different narrative than me. My narrative goes something like find a partner, have kids with them, work hard, stay together for the family, get old together. His narrative is something like have kids, end relationships as needed, work hard for all of his family (that include everyone back in Africa),make his life happy. That is really basic wording for a very complex problem. But as he was leaving I thought to myself: Am I doing the right thing? Maybe all can be right with us again? I love him so what more could there need to be? Maybe it is me, maybe I depressed or bi polar or just plain crazy. I stopped that train of thought as soon as I realized what I was doing. My therapist wants me to keep a list of all the things he has done to me to help remind me what this relationship has “emotionally cost me”. Im not a keeper of grudges. I really like to forgive and move on but I think I need to highlight some of the places where things went wrong to remind myself of why I asked him to leave. If nothing else I will have this to reflect on the next night I find myself unsure if I have made the right choice for my family. 

There was this one Christmas Eve night I asked him to let me see his phone for a second (which was common) and he refused and when I grabbed he physically fought me for the phone. He was not going to let me get the phone. Clearly he had some shit on there that was not meant for my eyes. He ruined my Christmas with that shit. I remember waking up with the kids and trying to hold back tears so I could make sure the kids had a good time. 

I have had 5 miscarriages but they never get easier. And the last one I had he was in Africa when it happened. I called him and told him about it. And he said something to me but then said he had to go he was out with his friends at a bar and could not talk and he would call me later. He never called me later and never emotionally supported me through that at all. 

He had inappropriate sexual emails with some girl. There were always vague hints that he was unfaithful. If I was a betting woman I would say he did cheat on me. I don’t know, does it count if we cheat on each other?

He did not contribute financially to this household for over a year closer to two. 

He told me that I am reason my son has ADHD and Anxiety Disorder.

He threaten to leave me too many times. 

He did not fight for our family. 

He lied to me about so many things. Little things….I just never found out about the big things I assume. 

He has and does threatens to not see the kids anymore as a way for me to give him what he wants. 

It is all a bit more clear to me now. When I look at it like that I think there were some big problems there. Sadly enough if he would have fought for me I would have tried again, but he just walked away when I asked him to leave. So that is that. 

Last post I was insanely horny. I always say it the best time to catch me because I am the most open to new situations, people, experiences. But another month went by with nothing. I got my period Sunday so I am good now. The insane hormone rush is over and I feel like a normal person again. I am disappointed I am not in a better position to have sex when I want or need it.  I am going to have to work on that. New life goal - regular sex in my life. I am putting it out there in the universe, that is my goal and I need to take steps to achieve it. I still don’t understand why it is so out of reach for me. 

UGH

This has not been a stellar day. I still am looking for dick like a crackhead seeks out their next fix. Im mean with some limitations. I just don’t want to fuck someone new so there is that. And it seems like anyone else who might be a possibility is busy, too far away or to apathetic to my needs. BLAH. I can’t shake this dysphoric obsession. My body is so in need of dick. My boobs are swollen and my nipples are like just hard all day. I have not felt this hormonal in a long time. I would expect that I was pregnant if I have had any sex at all in the last 8 weeks. 

JF is ever so slowing getting his shit out of my house these last few days. It is good. It is so fucking good to have him less and less in my life. Really the main event is him going to Arica because I know it will be 2-3 months before I have to see him and I would only be seeing him when he see the kids. It feel like a gift and I can not wait for it. The ending of this relationship has taken so long and been so much of me feeling like I have to just take a lot of bullshit just to get the fuck out of this shit. I remember back in April how I felt nervous about being alone and how now I feel fucking amazing about being alone. Alone seems like right where I need to be and when I say alone that just refers to living with someone. I of course want to see people. 

This feeling of dissatisfaction this is not something I can fix. I don’t want an orgasm, I want to be fucked. I want to feel a mans body on top of mine, I want to cry a little when he fucks me so hard I don’t think I will survive, I want my ass slapped my hair pulled. I want a very physical experience. That shit would help clear my mind I think. 

I wanted to point out, that I am thinking less and less about D. I think that is good. Im not sure that when he becomes more available again I won't be obsessed

 again but right now I think I have the D addiction in check. 

12 Steps

It has been a difficult day for me. I had therapy today . I feel like there is a lot of room for improvement in my life. Somethings have become really clear to me lately. Im not sure why I am all of a sudden having some clarity but maybe therapy is helping me get a handle on why I do the things I do. So let me start with what might be the most obvious to all of you. 

D is an addiction. I feel like he has been my drug of choice because he is really good at fucking me and he is very dominant. Both of these things bring me insane amounts of pleasure and I just can not say no to it despite all the clear pitfalls. 

I seek out relationships to give me joy. And it is not just about fucking but just attention. I need the attention. So I really view myself and someone who likes to be in the background and likes to not be paid attention to and  in most of my life this would be the way I would describe myself. However with men I have this weird need for attention but Im not generally going to ask for it. I want men to see me as low maintenance, easy going, relaxed and I am that but deep inside I want this attention that I will never ask for. Its the reason I rarely am the first person to initiate contact. We could talk everyday for hours but I will probably never call you. I need the man to call me to reassure me that he wants me. 

This is very much the theme that caused most of the issues with JF. Our relationship was so fulfilling for so long (long by my standards) because he was reassuring me. He was fulfilling me. He was giving me daily reminders that he loved me and he wanted me. And probably it was natural for some of that to decrease after a few years into the relationship but I could not handle it. I was clear with JF about my need for this reassurance but I don’t think he understood how devastating it all was for my mental health. No reassure of love equals rejection. And feeling rejected by your husband is not a place you can easily come back from. And keep in mind this was my second husband that I feel rejected by… 

And so I am perhaps coming to the realization that maybe I need to really fix what ever is broken here. Im not real optimistic that there is a way to correct this pattern of behavior. In talking about today I just kind of feel like I am forever going to be in this pattern because I don’t know anything else.  Also I never want to be in a monogamous relationship again. 

I know how much I need people to feed my need for reassurance and pleasure. I do hate to think of the men in my life with other people but I can not expect to have multiple lovers with out expecting others to want the same. 

I am back to the same place I was the other day, feeling just a little too broken.  Perhaps this is my mid life crisis… 

I still have had not sexual activity. Again desire is there but there does not seem to be an opportunity to explore with someone new just yet. I learning to delay gratification or I am trying to delay gratification. And D has been unreliable lately and still immersed in his own nonsensical bullshit I just can’t with him. I just want to focus on myself for a minute. 

I know before in my life I would have done one of two things I would have gotten someone from my “team” for lack of a better word to come visit me or I would have found someone new. I no longer have a “team” of men on the bench and I am just not feeling sex with strangers right now. Stranger sex feels unfulfilling to me. I feel like I am craving a deeper connection, which is new for me. Maybe this is how most of the world operates…..

My therapist did suggest I seek out help from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. She asked me if I want to work on this… but I don’t think I do. Not now anyway. Im not sure how one works the 12 steps with sex. Am I suppose to give it up? That does not seem appropriate or possible or even worth it. The pleasure I get from sex far out weighs the negative side effects of my need for it. At least that is what I think tonight. 

Im still wanting to write more and in different arenas. I want to really explore that more but good god to write I really need to not be interrupted and my current situation does not allow for that. My children are constantly by my side or coming to ask me for a million things. It is like they know I want to mentally check out but they will not let me. Maybe they know better than me….deep uninterrupted introspection can be a dark place. 

I hope the next post will be about me getting penetrated and multi-orgasmic experience that I hope to have in the very near future. 

To get a picture of just where I am at my doctor put his hand on my shoulder as his listen to my lungs and Im pretty sure my nipples were hard. I immediately felt this was of pleasure come over me and I had to check myself so I did not audibly moan from this very benign medical touch. SMFH I got to get a handle on my sex life. I need the dick on the regular. 

And like so many other times in my life there is a strong desire but I can’t seem to get any. So I guess if I was really willing to go out of my comfort zone I could get some dick but I am not there yet. I am still taking baby steps and it takes a lot of emotional strength to put myself out  there again. 

D called me today again. He has called me a couple times but our schedules just are not meshing. He sounds kind of distant on the phone. I think I mentioned before he seems to have a lot going on in his life and maybe we just need a break. I am just trying to eliminate drama and he seems to have a lot of it. And also some people just seem to have a more difficult time in life then others. I don’t know why. I was just going to say that maybe I do not feel like I have a difficult time in life but other might disagree. I don’t have difficulties with the concrete parts of life. Jobs, money, family but I do have some considerable trouble with my interpersonal relationships. There is that need for approval but there is also the diminishing ability I have to minimize my own needs and feel satisfied by meeting others needs. There is some point where I don’t even know what I want or what my own personal needs are anymore. They are always so wrapped up in someone else. 

Jw and I talked and had a conversation about many things but two things of note that made me think a lot. 

First is the observation that D “treats you like shit”. I don’t know what my response was to that but I find myself becoming defensive of him (even if just in my own head). I don’t think he treats me like shit per say but I do think treats me as an after thought. And I think he does not realize my level of devotion to him. Or obsession with him. I describe him all the time like a drug habit. The high I get is so good. It is not just sexual fulfillment but it emotional fix I get. I know this is very much tied to my Daddy Issues as Desmond is very much like my Dad in many ways. I see that. I also know that D, from the start made me feel so good that I could not let that go, even if sometimes he does not make me feel good. I also realize that at least if not more of this blog content his centered around this man. Sometimes it is exhausting and like I said before it would not have been the first time that I have actively prayed for God to take this man out of my life. 

Secondly is this concept that I give Desmond grace on so many things, but my husband I give no grace. This was exactly my first husbands issue. For some reason I can allow D to be all the good and bad things he is and love him all the same, but for my first and second husband I have not been able to do the same. I see that. I don’t know. I have no answers about this it is just how I feel. I think more then I ever have I see the D can’t be the partner that I am looking for. I feel like our relationship will always be exactly as it has been and I will forever feel the sense of loss that maybe I missed out on really being with my person. 

But wait… can he really be my person? How can it be when I have these conversations with other people and I feel equally as excited to talk with them. In many way more so because I feel like there is mutual desire there. I feel just as fulfilled at times with other people. Those few years where D was back in Trinidad were some of the best. I did not think of him at all. Even the times when he called me I was firm with him that I was done. This is what I think about when I think of the end of my relationship with JF.  What happened to this? How was I so strong to tell D no, where did that strength come from. I would expect that JF was meeting my needs and that built me up as a woman and made me feel all the love I needed. So when JF dropped the ball I ran right to what I new would make me feel that way again. 

Im in such a fucking state of disarray lately. I don’t know what I want. I know a really need a man to touch me. There is that physical need that I really have now but there is also this need to have the man that touches me not be a stranger. Sex with stranger has always been fun but for some reason Im just not there anymore. 

JF is working on his business and today is a shipping day. When I saw the shipping container arrive I felt the excitement that I always feel. I feel proud of him for working so hard and getting what he needs done accomplished. I hate to hold that against him that he worked  hard for this  but he did that the cost of alienating me. He was in the kitchen yesterday and took of his shirt, I guess he was hot. And I thought (as I have thought several times in the last month) that he is very attractive. I still love so many things about him. I do wonder if when he returns from Africa anything will be different between us but I think I making moves that will ensure that we won’t fall back in line with each other. As much as I love him, I know I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. It just hard to remember while I look at him with his shirt off or when he picks up my 3 year old and holds her and she smiles and you can see she is so in love with her Daddy.  Those moments it is sometimes hard to remember why I did this. 

I think I just need to finally get out in the world and spending time with people I like. I think having more conversations with adults and getting fucked on the regular will make me see more clearly about where I need to be in life. Right now I just want to try out my freedom and it has been such a challenge. Fingers crossed I can get it this week!

Reassured

Things with JF continue to unravel. We do not argue or fight but we have some discussions about the kids a lot. Sometimes we have more heated discussions but no real fighting. We had that conversation over the weekend where I talked about my freedom and needing my house to myself and my plans to fuck a lot. I felt like we were in a good place with it. So much so that I did invite T over to hang out with me today. I really felt like things were fine to do that, as he Is half moved out, he spends no time here and only comes to see the kids. I go days without seeing him. 

So today T comes over. Im so excited to see him. Nervous like I have not been nervous in many years. We reconnect and talk and it was really amazing to talk with someone who I feel like gets me. Long story short, JF decides to come into the house. He knew that I asked him not to because he texted me before he came to say he needed to get his food. I jumped up and stopped him from coming all the way in. I felt so bad because not only did it upset me but it made T very uncomfortable.  I don’t like bullshit so I don’t know why he did that. I found it very disrespectful and I later told JF he has to get out. I can share a space with him anymore. I am beyond disappointed with pulling some shit like that. 

He sends some text with vague hints that he will not see the kids anymore. He stops by the house and leaves me a sink full of moldy dishes that he must have had in the car from when he took lunch to work.  He does not come back to see the kids. He walks in like 920 and I Immediately call him out for the dishes and he response is he wanted to do the dishes but I would not let him in the house. He also says again when he moves to Philly he will not see the kids everyday.  He knows this is my weak spot. I don’t take raising children lightly. I really feel strongly about sacrifices that parents needs to make for their children and that when you bring children into this world you have an obligation to be parent to them. To parent them, not visit them but to parent them. When I lead JF to parent he usual will but he does not do it with out prompting. Without prompting I think he would just move to Africa again and visit them once a year, which I still think is a good possibility of happening. He has said those very words that those are his intentions. 

So what the fuck happened to this man that I thought I knew. Now I know my first child with him was pure accident, but I chose and planned the second one. I felt strongly that he was a good father and partner. In fact he was a more involved parent than I was for many years. I really do not know what happened to him and what changed so much. That part makes me sad. The part that my children won’t have the father that I wanted for them and that I thought I chose for them saddens me a lot. It is also the reason I have allowed so much bullshit to happen with this break up. I want it to be friendly and happy for the kids. My break up with my first husband was not easy but it did not take long to be friends and 10 years later he is one of my greatest supports. I hold out hope for this happening but either this is harder than I remember or I was really much better at tolerating bullshit when I was younger. 

In talking with T today there is something that strikes me. He only sees one side of me. This submissive gentle relaxed side but I caution everyone to remember for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So as submissive as I can be there is a dominant side,  and happy and sweet as I can be there is an angry  side as well. I think last time I was talking to T I did not want to write about him and I still do not want to include details of that situation. I know that he does not like it or rather he did like it back then and Im not sure I like him knowing all my thoughts about him. I don’t know why. I really get off from talking to him I might enjoy telling him my musings rather him read it. I don’t know. It just feels weird including all those details here. I am really not sure why… I am going to have to think about that. 

Jw did call me today.  So I was trying hard to let that go these last few days when he was out of touch. This is one of my fatal flaws. I need reassurance. A lot of reassurance! When he did not respond to me part of me thought maybe there is some logical reason why (and there was) but the bigger louder part of me was just remind me that I was not good enough. I sit with this feeling of discontent for days while  I try to put him out of my mind. I do this with D on a regular basis. After all the years with D if he does not call me at least once a week I feel like he does not want me anymore. He said to me “I would never leave you” but for some reason I feel like one day he will realize that I am not good enough and he will just disappear from my grip. Even T, the longer it goes from the time he last texted me the more uncomfortable I get. Then he texts me again and I feel better again. JF was not good at reassuring me. I would ask for reassurance but I don’t think he understood what it is that I need reassurance with because for him he was there with me in the house sharing a life with me and that should have been reassurance enough that he loved me and I was good enough, but it was not.  This made me cry to write this. I am not sure I fully acknowledged how deep that shit went until now. 

In case you have not figured it out by now my childhood was not easy and leaves me with some issues. There are so many things that feel like maybe are too sad to even resolve in therapy. I don’t know. I feel very broken today. 

Either way hearing from Jw tonight contented me in the same way that hearing from D the other day contented me as well. Like a junkie who just got a fix I am ok now, until I feel like too much time has passed with out the reassurance. 

This was a sad post and I like balance so in good news I feel really grateful that I have this blog. It offers me so much valuable space to express myself and it feeds into my sexual fantasies. I have talked to many great people as a result of it and I have an amazing record of my life to look back at. I also have found this renewed desire to write. I remember one of my goals in high school was to write a book. Maybe I don’t still want to write a book but I want to write. I want to write some where other than here. I want to push myself to write about other topics and for other reasons. I am even creating a space for myself in my new single master bedroom where I can have my computer to myself and keep my kids away from me while I am trying to gather my thoughts. 

I am optimistic things will improve with JF. I know I am committed to a healthy co-parent relationship so at least I know I will and have done everything I can to make that happen. I am also optimistic and maybe sometime in the near future I can get some dick! I don’t know it is like the universe wants me to suffer or work for it really hard. 

Personal Space

  This post is pieced together as a direct result of the million interruptions I have just to write this. 

I has this boyfriend in high school. He would ride slow slow slow past my house as I undressed for him in the window. Sometimes he would just sit out there and watch me. I was so hot to me. I loved this idea of being watched and but also not always knowing when I was happening and who exactly was watching. This was the first time I began to understand how I like to be watched. It not even just being watched it part of that watching in my home. The vunerablity safe space and someone is watching me is just to hot. So let fast forward that to my life today. I sometimes like to pretend someone is watching me like that. Not just anyone, but someone I would want to be watching me. I like the idea of me being dpraived and lustful in their place and the stark difference in another setting. Today I spent a lot of time out side. I thought I wonder if ...so and so...might drive by and see me doing this. Or what if D watches me? It amuses me so much to wonder that. I did have a Master who would do this. This was wild. I loved it. 

There is all this concept of men in my house. I don't typically have people in my house. The short time I lived here single I had to really trust them to allow them in. But oh how I love it. I love them in my space, seeing how I live, noticing all the little things that makes my house mine. There is nothing quite like getting dicked down in your own bed to help you remember your submissive place.

So many feelings have crept up on me in the last week. I have felt these deeper sense of wanting to act on submission. I sense that I want a Dom in my life. I look back on the relationships ships I have had with “Masters” or Doms and I remember them bringing a lot of happiness and contentment. 

I have started to remember all the interesting shit they would do to me / with me to help me feel submissive to them. I particularly enjoy people in my space. For example in my bedroom, in my car, in my email. In any space that is supposed to be private. It invigorates me to feel this violation of my space over and over again. D is good at this. He does this with no thought but more as just a matter of fact. For example when we would be fucking in my car he would look around my car. Not in an intentional way but in a very much like your space is my space type of way.  He would look in the glove box, look at my phone. When he is in my house he looks at everything. He asked me who laid these floors? Who painted the walls? Why do you have this here? I remember checking with him before I bought my new car one time. I wanted his approval so bad and I remember that time he told me I was making a good choice. When he is in my room he takes over the room. He takes the remote, he looks around the bathroom, he opens drawers. I remember this one time like 13 years ago he found my journal (before the blog) and he spent about two hours reading while I laid there next to him. It was hot. 

It is the same context as this blog. It is this violation of my personal space that I find so gratifying. I have alway journaled so writing has always been an outlet for me but this twist of having people read it has really been such a great layer of excitement

 for me. I do like to keep thing separate though. It is not ideal that people I really see read the blog. It is messy and difficult to manage and it always makes me censor myself. However once they know, they can not unknow and I feel like the temptation is too great. For example Im not sure D would like to read about himself as much as I had shared about him. And I think he comes off looking bad too, so that would not be great. 

I have been thinking a lot about my room lately. I am trying to get my exes stuff out of my space. This has been a slow process. It just always stirs up emotions for me and the children and maybe even my ex. He has traveled extensively in his life and lived in several countries. As a result he does not have an attachment to stuff. Everything is replaceable to him. Me, I like my stuff. I am attached to my stuff. He threw out a pillowcase of mine 9 years ago and I am still mad about it and think of it every time I make my bed. To clarify I like my stuff but I am not a hoarder. I also like lots of empty space for energy to move around. So if I have kept something it is meaningful in some way to me. I say this to illustrate how he could care less about getting his shit out my house. I think he just does not care about ti and probably does not even realize all the shit he does have here. Meanwhile it holds me down a little bit to see his stuff. I feel like it has a heavy energy to it. I emptied my closet of all his stuff and damm it feels good. I keep walking into my closet just to feel the open free energy. I also want to make a space for myself in my room so I can write in peace. I need a place for my mind to wander so I can explore where I want to go in my writing and if I can really write more and different platforms. T encouraged me to do this. I love encouraging people. Thank you T for giving the slightest little push that got me thinking in a new direction. 

I continue to have lot of conversations about sex with a few people. The conversations are an amazing distraction from what has admittedly been a difficult 6 months. Playful conversations, hot conversations, intelligent thought provoking conversation. It feels like a glass of water my withering spirit needed. In the conversations I have had with T, I cried I think twice now. I don’t really know but the tears he either did not notice or did not think much of, which is the best possible response. I like to play and have fun but I do have feelings and sometimes they get hurt and always I like to talk about it until I feel better. 

Jw has been a bit more of an enigma. I think if I read back 9 years ago I would see some similar shit to this which why it is so nice to have a record of the dumb shit people do. That way I can determine if it was me over-reacting or someone really acting foolish. Jw were talking about maybe meeting up. Cool. Everything is good good good then no more texts, no calls, nothing.  No I feel like you make a plan to do something with someone you should communicate what it is that is going on and not let me just wonder what is happening. If I had to guess he changed his mind and does not want to see me, or maybe does not want to engage in the sexual talk, maybe he just lost interest. I can’t fault a man for that. It is what it is and if you don’t feel it well you can’t fake it. However you would think he would at least say “Hey I don’t want to get this started, sorry but I am in a relationship. Or I don’t feel like I did. Just Fucking Say Something. Dont leave me hanging. That his hurts me more then I wanted it to. I was just thinking about it tonight and I started to cry a little bit and got filled with sadness. I liked JF but how can I keep these conversations  going if he is unreliable. 

Unreliability - The Most Unattractive quality of a man

So we shall see where that goes, but this part made me sad. I don’t want to be made sad over something that is meant to be fun. Its heavy on my mind, it feels a lot like rejection. 

I really am not sure if these conversations with these men will develop into playtime or like JW fizzle out into this air, but I am having fun for the most part. It feels good just to be seen as a sexual adult again. Im getting back to it slowly!

Sexual Energy

I am not sure why I began this blog. I feel like it was a directive from a Master. I remember the directive but not the Master. Im a little sad Im not sure who the Master was but I remember the things he did that I found satisfying. Never in my life did I think I would forget but I did. The blog was a directive but he would inspect my body. He treated me like his property and would have constant questions about all the details about me. When I had my period, when I sex, explicit graphic details about they sex I had, details of my vanilla life. He was very intertwined in everything I did. I loved that part. I loved the being thought of as something he valued and took care of and nothing made me feel more valued then when I was a good girl to him. Now even as I read that I think that might be something that I did not get when I was younger and it morphed into the fetishized need to be a vulnerable and cared for. At 41 I can see that but at 23 I just could not connect why I had that need. Either the way the need never goes away, now it is one of the themes that dictates my sexuality. 

As so it begins as I really start to reconnect with people and allow myself be tempted. Im allowing myself to act on my urges to speak to people, see people, engage in the mental mind fucks that push me to fuck a lot. 

So if you go way back in the blog you will see a few people appear in the blog a short fleeting encounters. They're a few that I have missed for various reasons and I have been texting and delete messages to them probably for over a year. I would look at their teeny tiny pictures that are in my phone next to their phone number and I would linger in the memory I have of them. I would day dream about our time together and I would get sad because I felt like I was the reason both of those connections halted. 

Jw, a man who in my head at least is a fast talking New Yorker, who has persisted with me for years. He makes me feel desired. And when I first met him what stood out to me the most was his swagger and I felt like he was such a different man than I was used too. And while it was not an island accent I like the way he speaks. We were hanging out very briefly before I got pregnant and we were having a good time, but like the carpet being ripped out from underneath any connection we were feeling was halted. What I remember about him now is that he makes me feel submissive which I like and he is a nice person. I spoke with him on the phone the other day and I did not want to get off the phone. I was sitting outside on my porch, getting bit by mosquitos but I could not go inside or I would not have a quiet place to talk without the kids and I could say good bye. It was almost 2 hours we talked maybe an hour. It felt so good to have a conversation with a person who was not a child and who was interested in me. Oh it has been so long since I have felt like I was wanted. How did I make through all these years in this relationship feeling so unwanted? Im not sure where that connection will go but it was really good to say hello to a friend and reconnect. 

And so that is not all, I also was brave and hit send on a text to T, a man with who I briefly dated post break up with my first husband. T was this man that I did not know existed. He was intellectual but also like an alpha male. It was like a twist to what I thought men could be. He had this really easy going but firm in what he wants way they intrigued me. In a sad moment for me when we first had sex. I actually cried because there was the realization that he had a vasectomy and was done having children but I was not ready to give up on that. I was so embarrassed and surprised at that crying. It was the kind of cry that could have looked like uncontrolled sobbing had I not just pushed me feelings down. I was horrified at those feelings had spilled out into this sexual encounter with him but I knew I had to have more children. T, never liked the blog. Im not sure if he has forgotten about it or if he is not reading it or if he is just polite and not saying anything about it. I hate to talk about people when I know they will be reading it but it makes me feel so relieved to get my thoughts out. It is my only outlet. So in talking with T we talked about our very short relationship and I remembered him ghosting me and with no lead up. For example one day everything was fine the next day he was just ignoring me. I was so hurt by it, I did not understand and I assumed it was just him getting to know me and deciding I was not someone he wanted to be with. In our conversations this week, he said that he knew that he could not give me children and he knew that was something I needed and that it was better for him to walk away. He apologized. I started to cry! I had forgotten how much he meant to me in that short amount of time. I quickly said something because I did not want him to hear me cry. It was just good to hear. 

So he said this other thing….this thing made my day. He said the first time I came to his apartment he remembers watching me walk up to his apartment and that I had this sexual swagger about me. Now it has been a LONG time since I have seen him but it helped me remember the good old days. The days that I felt wanted and desired. The days that I have the guts to meet new people and have new sexual experiences 

So I say all that to impress upon myself that there is hope. Maybe I am not so far gone. Maybe I can reconnect with people who made me feel incredible and who I feel like our chance to really have fun together was cut so short.  I am sad that it took me so long to reach out. I was really committed to my relationship to JF and 5 years into it when I began seeing D again, it did not feel like cheating because D is just part of me. I just tried so hard to be ok with a really vanilla lifestyle. SMH never again!

And in the true spirit of the universe this guy whom I had a thressome with one time like 11 maybe 12 years ago sends me a message out of the blue. It is like my energy has opened again and universe reacted!

Nakedness....

I had an unexpected break from children yesterday and today. It is amazing how much that clears my mind. I almost begin to think that maybe I am not depressed at all maybe I just need a break every now and then. Its really hard to tell which is depression and which is life. 

The last few days I have been so preoccupied with having sex with someone other that D. Its all I can think about. If I have a quiet moment I am trying to re imagine what it will feel like, what he will smell like. I am trying to have a sensory memory where I can just about feel it, but I can’t. Its been so long I forget what it feels like, what I feel like. I know it makes me feel good but further than that it gets kind of blurry. That makes me sad. Those sensory memories (or at least that is what I call them) are what got me by, they fueled my solo orgasms and they allowed me to dip out of my life for a few minutes. I just can not get there. Is masturbation has not been fun…. In truth I needed to do that the other day so badly. My body was revved and my pussy was wet and pulsating. I had worked myself into a fury with just the day dreaming about moving on sexually. I just needed my magic wand for a minute and I was not satisfied but defiantly able to function. But today I can’t get there. Even with my alone time, pics on my phone I could not get there. Im so ready to just have a sexual experience so I can move past the fear. (That would be fear or rejection or not feeling good enough).

Im also sad that there are some pics of mine that were so good and I do not have anymore. It is not that I am sad that I let it all go. In someways I feel like I needed to do that to get a a handle on my out of control behavior, because after some reading of the blog I see I was a little out of control. 

So I try to get in touch with my body and comfortable being naked. I am not even naked in my own space anymore. I tried to be naked, alone, in my room today. It was hard. I just want to be more comfortable in my body and start to get in touch with it. Im naked with D but it is something that is a challenge, if he would let me I would wear a shirt the whole time. Sometimes I think about all the nakedness in my life and how I would feel so comfortable lying naked on a bed with my legs spread with a room for a clothed men (clothed for a few minutes anyway). I like that vulnerability of nakedness with a man, or at least I used to. Oh I just miss men touching me!

Things are Changing

It is like a switch has been hit on my mind and my body. The other day after about a year of thinking about it I changed my Facebook profile pic to a pic of just me vs. the one and JF. The pic that was there was a picture of the two of us cheek to cheek smiling and I remember him taking the pic. We were playful and happy. I can not even recall those days anymore. It was like a dream. At one time I was so content in his love. My mind was challenged, my heart felt loved and my body felt satisfied. I am still grieving for what I lost there. Its not that I do not love him because I do love him. He is the father of my children and a man who works hard like I have never seen anyone work in my life. I respect that about him. He is kind and gentle with his children and he is honest. He is also broken in some ways that he does not see and is oblivious to his faults. He is cold at times and he is content to be alone. He hurts me with this and I don’t think he even realizes it. 

I spoke to someone recently about this relationship I have with him and how I refuse to have a drama filled ending to this relationship. Drama is not my thing. I never knew how I was going to have a relationship again with my ex-husband but we have a great friendship. He is one of my greatest support systems and an amazing father to my daughter. I learned to take him where he was at in life and not try to better him or change. He was not husband anymore so it mattered less. This relationship with JF is morphing and it is hard. I asked him for a hug the other day. He happily obliged. I stood there with my head on his chest and his long arms wrapped around me while I just cried. I felt loved and I felt supported in that moment but it was fleeting. As soon as I pulled away I realized that he is good at this sometimes but not consistently. And all the things I love about him I probably always will. And all the things that drive me crazy are the reasons I had to move to change our relationship. 

But christ am I doing the right thing? Marriage is hard. Raising kids is hard. Am I sure that leaving this man is really the right move for me? If Im honest I think about 50% of the problem is me.  I can not tolerate the very subtle but poignant cultural differences. I can not tolerate the lack of sex. I can not tolerate the mis-prioriazation of me and our children. He is maddening and I just want peace. The answer always seems to me an open relationship for me. I have sex with whom I want and I have life that is all my own and I share a family and have this very vanilla conservative life that is what everyone sees. But that is just a crutch. I say I am afraid to parent on my own, but I have been doing it alone for years. Im not always the parent I would love to be but my children are happy, healthy, and I believe I am raising good kind people. 

I talked to my therapist the other day about my contacting old friends. I felt like it was time. I always think about the people I have kept in contact with over the years. I love them. They are great people. They are helpful and supportive, they make me happy and I feel sorry that I pushed everyone away when I started this relationship with JF. I think that was a very unhealthy thing to do. So I talk to the therapist about my alternative lifestyle. And I am firm that this is something that IS in line with my values. That I have wrestled with how I justify this with my spiritual beliefs and 21 years into I don’t think my God will punish me for sex. 

She questioned me about risks in this behavior and how the partners of my play partners would feel. I was a little taken back by this. I sound a little like a psychopath on this but it is not my job to police the world. These men need to make choices just like me to get their needs fullfilled. I would never pursue someone who had a clear boundary but I am not turning away people in committed relationships either. I feel bad about D and his wife. I know I was a major contributing factor to the end of their marriage but he made choices and so did I, but I don’t loose sleep over it. 

Overall the theme here is that I have not realized how lack of sex with other people has impacted me. There is D but D is not like other people. I am submissive with him in a different way. If I had to articulate it would be more the way an abused woman is submissive and less about a choice to submit. Not that he abuses me because he does not! But the way abused women do it out of obligation and not out of choice.

D has been difficult in the last few months. More difficult then I remember. Our relationship should be easy but it has not, which might mean we need a break. And at the moment I feel strong enough to take one. 

I have been lying in my bed these last few nights getting myself worked up thinking about what it feels like to have someone touch me. Ive been re-reading my blog and reliving my glory days. And remember all the memories with psychical sensations that are keeping me satisfied, at least for now. 

I think about being with someone from my past or with a new lover and I get so twisted up with thoughts about my body. Oh my poor body. I have always been overweight but it never bothered me. Naked in front of 20 people no problem, I just did not care. I did not feel ashamed. But now my body has changed from breastfeeding three babies, carrying 3 babies, from stress, exhaustion and age. Im not sure how I will mitigate these feelings of being undesirable and the fear of sharing myself with someone again. Im going to have to because my body is hungry for touching and playing. I want to feel like a sexual being again. I also have this really loud need to be used and submit and allow someone to make themselves happy doing what they want to me. 

That desire to submit is growing in the last few days. I worry about taking things too far. It is not hard for me to go from 0 to 100 if I have the right person turning me on. Good news I don’t have a lot of time to play so there is less chance of getting carried away. 

I have this neighbor, he is 25, works in law enforcement. He is Italian and very built. I have watched him all summer in his yard working. I would love to fuck him. I would love to get into a situation with him where I could run over there in the middle of the night for a quickie. That is hard to bring up though. He is so young, he may not be into BBW, but Im telling you if I every feel like I am getting that energy from him when we chat I may need to make him an offer to come over.  

Moving right along

I am slowly making moves to make my life look more like I want it to. For so long I felt like there was something wrong with my life. I feel like I am easily convinced that my life was wrong because others felt like it was wrong. However I don't know that I have a problem with it. Casual sex, swinging, adult parties, blogs, videos, fetish fun it all feels very normal to me and brings me a sense of happiness and self fulfillment. Its my hobby for lack of a better term. JF did have me convinced that I did not need it and monogamous relationship was the way to go but I see that left me feeling unfulfilled when he stopped giving me the sex and attention I needed. Monogamy seems like a lofty goal. A goal I am not sure there is any prize in achieving. Where did it get me this time.... I gave it a solid 5 years and what I ended up with was feeling rejected and the loss of the relationship once I realized I was never going to get the same feelings that I once had.

There is something about getting fucked from a man that you don't share your life with that sees you as a sexual being that is very satisfying.

D - I have not seen D in a few weeks. He has been a little hard to reach. His phone gets horrible service where he lives and then it just stopped working. He calls me, we try to make plans but it all seems very difficult. He seems to come with a lot of baggage I am noticing. Im not a fan of that. I have enough going on in my life that I don't want his baggage.

I did finally take the step and got in contact with some people from my past. It has been almost  10 years but I was so happy to talk with them. I miss these people. I don't have many friends but I know the people that I did keep in my life were quality people that I connected with. It makes me sad I lost contact for so many years in the name of trying to be monogamous.

This week has been one of the most stressful times. NJ Governor cut funding to the major funding source for my job. The result I currently don't know if I will have a job at the end of the month. Im waiting for 6 days now to find out if they can keep me on even with my contracts that ended. It is a lot of stress. I had just recently gotten ok with being the only source of income for my family and even if JF did not contribute to taking care of his children I can make it on my own. So my sense of contentment with that was short lived.  I am just trying to stay positive and take it one day at a time until I find some clarity on my job.

I think I wrote about it but I am not sure.... D has been telling me how I am different. He spins it in a very non-supportive and hurtful way that I am not as fun as I used to be. SMFH Really. I tell him I am fucking exhausted. There is like you had a busy week exhaustion and then there is this soul exhaustion. It is the weariness that comes from have the burden of everything for family on your shoulders (and only your shoulders) for years. It comes from lack of stress relief (sex), it comes from this part of my life where I am caring or children alone, running a household alone, financial supporting everyone alone. Shit it is even the little things of fixing things in the house the break. Now I am very capable but shit I am a little pissed I have to do everything. Last week I replaced the garbage disposal and fixed my freezer. I can do it and I am not mad about it in general. However I feel like all the effort I put into this relationship and family building and parternership with JF got me no where.  It got me really no where.   So when D complains I am not as fun as I used to be it makes me mad. Im not the same person in the way of responsibility and mental load. Although I think I am still fun, and I think I am the same as I was before. He would like to fuck all night. I just can't do that now. I don't have the energy but I also don't have the time. What grown up with kids does have that kind of time? Fuck him. He is really on my shit list. As I said yesterday "he is like a bad drug habit I just can't quit".  I am hoping therapy helps me. I love this new therapist I have she really is blunt with me about my flawed thinking about D, I appreciate the challenge to my typical thinking.