White Men

White men repulse me. I have not done a deep dive into this so I feel like tonight I want to tackle the reasons I am so repulsed by white men. 

It all starts with this kid named Jimmy. He was white like really white skin and he had that platinum blonde hair. I also did not particularly like him. He was a year older than me and he was obnoxious. I only interacted with him on the 45 minute bus ride home from school. So when I was in 7th grade and he was in 8th I remember a friend of mine drew a picture of me playing the saxophone, which I used to play, and he took the picture and erased the saxophone and put in a boy and made it look like I was sucking his dick. That was the first of that kind of nonsense I experienced but he quickly took things up a notch when one afternoon he pulled his dick on for me to see. I remember seeing it almost jump out of his pants and seeing the platinum blond pubic hair and wanting to vomit. I was absolutely disgusted. 

Then comes Dan, best thing I can say about Dan was he had a good heart but he was a straight up rebel flag flying hillbilly. He ended up fucking my best friend. I think back to him and I am repulse by him now, but at the time I did not feel that way. He was very uneducated and his family lacked formal education. 

There was Joe, smallest dick I have ever seen also closet bi-sexual who like to frequent gay sex parties. This repulsed me a lot at the time and now. It was hard for me to understand how a man could be attracted to me and also a man. 

But I still was not completely turned off by white men yet. 

There was this other Joe, turned out one night when he told me we were “going to his friends” that we were breaking an entering to have sex. He was needy and not what I would want from a man. He was also always ready for a fight but really could not fight. Just kind of pathetic in some ways. I know I am highlighting the bad here, that was like a 3 year relationship and looking back that is all I can take from it. 

I was close to turning the corner here but then enter my 1st husband, S, and he put the nail in the coffin. When we were first together things were really great. Sex was good, but he started having problems with performance and told me to go out and get what I needed. (More about him Later) So I did. At first I was seeing a man 20 years older than me who was white. He had a great dick but was also really uptight and he got mad at me for something stupid and ended our friends with benefits situation. Thinking about that it must have been really upsetting to him because he was like 42 and I was 20 and I was a sexual freak and I was totally into him. 

 

Then there was the white cop. He was a sick son of a bitch, but I had a good time. Him and I used to meet in random parking lots and he would give me lessons on how to suck a dick. I mean this was intense training.  I think we saw each other randomly for about 4 years. He only fucked me once. The one time he fucked me he had his gun out ( to help intimidate me). I don’t even think he finished. All the other times I saw him, which was about 1x a week, he would finger my pussy and my ass, nipple torture, fuck me with different objects and he ultimately arranged my first gang bang, that was all black!

He was the last white man I had sex with. At the gang bang I immediately noticed the difference in the white men I have known and the black men in the room. And there were an exquisite group of black professionals with giant dicks and fucking skills. They fucked different, they talked different about my body, they reveled in my thick curves, they were just so much less uptight than everyone I have ever know and did I mention they had some fucking skills…

So then there is my white husband at the time. He found out about the fucking black mend and he was pissed. I just saw this really inferior white man in front of me angry that I enjoyed some black dick. I did not see what the problem was…if I was able to get dick outside the marriage why not black dick. He reaction deepened the repulsion I started to feel. It was this crazy white man ideal that white women can’t have black dick. I have heard it all my life. There is this stereotype of woman who likes black men and I do not fit that stereotype and white men like have a secret vow that once you fuck a black man they don’t want you anymore. I suspect this is because they feel inferior to black men and it makes them feel like they cannot satisfy a women. White men will call you fat, obsess over body shape size, and body imperfections. Black men might do this too but not in the same way. I don’t want to get into a whole race relations but suffice it to say there are some deep issues with white men, DEEP. Im sure black men have issue too but this is just my perspective and experience. I also know white men in a different way then I know black men. I grew up with white boy and white men. I know how they think - I get them. And what I get about them I don’t like. 

Free Night

Saturday I had no kids. They spent the night at my ex-husbands house and I had so much opportunity in front of me. I really spent a lot of time contemplating watching the Golden Girls in my bed and going to sleep early. This sounded really good to me. I did not call D as I was not in the mood for the Olympics of Sex all night. There was this guy I had been talking to that seemed refreshingly sincere and I thought let me try this. This was going to be a different type of night for me, I know that going into it, this was more like a date and less like come fuck me. 

He comes to my house, we talk a lot. I find him attractive although he is older than his profile said. He is almost 20 years older than me. I did not think that was such a big deal but the more we were talking the more I saw that there was this divide between us. However he did not really give me the impression that he wanted me. Then I thought maybe this guy just does not do sex on the first night. We were talking, and as he was speaking all I could think in my head was “I just want you dick in my body”, “please stop talking and just touch me”. It was hard for me to just not have any sexual activity, but there were some really nice parts of just being next to someone and touching that way. That kind of touching has been lacking in my life, so by no means did I hate it but it was just different. He stayed until 230a and which point he hugged me and moved his hands down to my ass which perked me up a bit but at 230am I could barely hold my eyes open, there was no way anything else was happening. He left and I went to sleep. 

I continue to look to build my team. I knew it would be difficult but this just seems like a really tedious process. When I met D we just met at the Home Depot and exchanged numbers. It was easy. I think about some of my other favorites and I met them all in such different ways but for some reason I think it was easier. Maybe there are more time constraints now, my mind is always going in a different direction.

I have been not calling D, even though I need to talk to him about some home repairs things, but I feel a little exhausted with him lately. I don’t know why I am feeling like this. I want him around but I do feel like I would just like a normal amount of sex again not the Olympic version.  

JF will be traveling this week out of the country. I am so excited to have some space from him and all of his bullshit. Im sad for my kids because they will miss him. He takes so much from me I don’t even know if he knows he is doing it. It is hard to explain and then there is that need I have to help him. Even when he does not ask for it, I help. UGH. I want a man that can help me not me having to help out every fucking man I meet. 

Control

I sometimes think about the amount of control I give to D. I was thinking about it yesterday. He chooses everything in our sex life. If I had it my way I think I would take the intensity down just a notch sometimes, but I also know that level of intensity gives me these really intense orgasms which I would never want to give up. I think about all the times I am physically and mentally exhausted and I am only go through the motions for him and then out of no where he finds the spot and my body finds reserves of energy and I start fucking him all over again.  It really is a lot of energy my body uses. I don’t know how he finds the energy. In all these years he has always come with massive amount of energy. I don’t think he has even had an off day. Yesterday he was laying next to me in the bed, his dick was still mostly hard, and it legit was touching his belly button as he laid there. I still get taken back when I see it sometimes. I can’t believe that I can take all of that dick like I do. 

D is going to fix my ceiling in my kitchen for me, we had a water leak upstairs, and my daughter (his biological daughter) hears me talking with him about this a week or so ago. Then I was talking about something today on the phone and I asked him where he left my phone charger because I could not find it. So she hears this and says if he was here why did he not fix the ceiling. I sheepishly say that sometimes he comes here just to hang out with me. OMG I was not ready to have that sentence come out of my mouth but I guess at 14 she can grasp I can have a boyfriend. This part of me having to share with my kids that I have a man in my life it difficult for me. Im not quite sure I know how to mesh my mom self and my adult dating self (and we will saying dating for lack of a better term). 

My youngest is starting to understand that me and her Dad are not together. She keeps asking me if I love him, to which I say yes because I do. She tells us to hug when we are together which we do. The hugging makes me sad. It feels so empty and so different then it once did. It make me a little bit sad all over again. Overall we are getting a long, I still see him almost everyday when he drops by to see the kids, but I know the kids need that and I am frankly grateful that he cares enough to do that. He leaves next week for about 3 months. I don’t want him to leave because I worry about him still and travel always makes me nervous. 

I have been talking to a couple people. I find it hard to have conversations with men, or maybe I don’t meet the right ones. I talked to this one guy that I was kind of into but he never text me back. I don’t even know what  I am doing. I don’t know even what my intentions are I just feel this urge to be out there and see what is available. 

D Visits

I did not like my last post. I was going to delete it but I just kept forgetting about it and when I remembered I was always a time I could not do it. I felt like it was too personal for me. I felt like unless you have struggled with mental health you do not understand the significance of depression and how unending depression will take a toll on your life. And if you don’t have some personal experience with depression you may not understand how I can feel severely clinically depressed yet I can smile all day at work, and have fun with men, and hang out with friends. It does not go together but it is what it is like. The depression creeps in those alone moments and it just fucks everything up. Moving on…

D and I made plans for today. He said he was going to be at my house at 10am, that way we would have until 2:50 to “do what we do”. I got up and took the kids to school in my pajamas and I was going to go back home and take a shower and clean up my house. I laid down in my bed what was for a half hour I gave myself and woke up to the sound of D’s motorcycle pulling up in front of my house. He is never on time, but today 10a he was there. I rushed into the bathroom to brush my teeth and then I let him in. We head upstairs. I tell him I have got to get a quick shower as he is undressing. He acts like he is irritated with me for not being ready, but either way I jump in the shower. I come out of the shower to find him in my dresser drawer looking for my toys. He has been wanting to use the adult toys but I was not into it. His dick is a lot and well I don’t need toys when I have that. He persists I go into the closet and he looks through my bag and see this giant dildo. Its giant but sometimes its good. He flips through the rest of the bag which is al BDSM stuff (rope, bondage tape, blindfold, restraints) I remind him he is not into that and we move on. And as I said it I realized why did he not ask me who I use that shit with? I mean in all reality it has been nobody for a long time but I’ve been seeing him for a long time. He never said anything 

I just had my period so I can not take the dick like I can later in the month. There is a big difference but I managed. I also sucked a lot of dick today. We fucked 9 times and by the 9th time his dick was not popping up so quick anymore. At one point I though well maybe we are done because Im tired of sucking this dick but he slaps my ass a little and we are back in business. By the 9th time I can not even feel much because my pussy is swollen and beat up but he does it, he makes sure I come. He fucked my ass too. Now I can’t do anal like a porn star, I don’t know how they do that shit. But he started behind me and slide some of his dick in my ass and then we moved carefully so he was laying on top of me and I was face down. I cried a bit but as soon as I can relax it feels good. 

We watched a movie in between fucking and talked a little, but it was a lot of fucking. I am really exhausted. I went and got lunch at one point because I was so starving and weary. It was good to have him around me for such a long time. After we were done I jumped in the shower again as he had come on me 9x and I did not want to smell like sex when I go to pickup these kids at school. It was such a luxury to be able to get a shower after. This is something I do not take for granted. I would never shower in the motel rooms we would get and back in the day we would be fucking in the truck so there was no luxury of washing the cum off your body. And the water on my swollen pussy was lovely. My body does take a lot when we fuck. 

Fast forward, Im out of the shower, and I am naked walking around my room getting dressed. I am some what comfortable with this but I am also aware of what is happening and it was making nervous. Naked fucking is different then naked walking around the room. We head down stairs. We are in the kitchen and the cabinet is open and he sees all my meds in it. In shock he is like “what is that” to be followed by a commentary about how bad all the medication is for me. I say to him “I think you know by now I have some mental health issues” and continues to think that I don’t need the meds. It gets aggravating because he does not know. I am not taking meds for fun. (Serious eye roll)

He hugs me but it is not feel like I want it to, I actually said “I don’t feel the love” and he moves his arm further around me and we call it a day. 

Blah

 I am in this very introspective phase. I can not help but to think of things deeply and for too long. I have been tired at the end the day, too tired to blog, too tired to even think. I find myself falling asleep in minutes. I know I talk about depression her sometimes, but it has been a bigger part of my life in the last year. I can not quite get out of it, it is just always there. I have tried and still trying meds, and therapy and a psychiatrist all to no avail. I notice it in my parenting or lack there of. Depression makes wanting to be with my kids HARD. I loved parenting, it was why I chose to have 3 kids. I loved doing things with them and teaching them and now I just want to be left alone. In all reality I have had some relief in the last month compared to where I was but not enough where I am like "ok I can live my life like this". Im starting a new treatment next week call TMS. In my own words it is using magnetic power to turn on areas of the brain that need stimulation. I am super ready for this as this particular depression has lasted a long time and has persistently gotten worse. (I sit here now in front of my Happy Light... light therapy that is supposed to help with depression). I worry about this treatment changing my personality. Or rather what if it changes my desire to have sex. What if it takes it away or god forbid makes it more intense.  I just think when ever you work with the brain you have to think about all possibilities. Ill be closely monitoring things. 

D is suppose to come over Tuesday and by the grace of God I got my period 4 days early so his visit can take place that day. I have been thinking deeply about his this weekend. I really see myself as a "ride or die" type of girl. If I give myself to you then I with you, the good the bad and ugly. I was very much like the with JF. I never let his financial issues get in our relationship. I never thought less of him as a man I never thought about it in terms of him as my partner. JF does not see it that way because he just sees that I asked him to leave. Looking back though, he did not realize how much I blindly gave to him without thinking about it and held him up when he needed support. It just felt like what I wanted to do. 

D also does not realize. So for some reason in my life I am attracted to financial unwell men. D seems like he has always been struggling but I still could not love him more then I do. 

Neither one of these men see the shit I have done or how I have helped hold them up in the face of uncertainty. I did the same in my first marriage, but he gets it now. It just took awhile. All that to say I feel like they are not seeing me for what I am or they do not care. I don't know when I have had men in my life that made me amazing and held me down......wait a minute I don't think I have every had that. JF came close but nah. D has at times but he is inconsistent. And this is what I am looking for. This is what I am craving. To be clear that kind of relationship but no monogamy. 

I feel a little bit guilty about T. You know I reached out to T because I was feeling very single and I always liked him. But I was feeling single because D was not mentally or physically available to me for months and he does not give me anything to sustain me so I do what I need to do. So now when D calls I and is more available than he has been I feel bad. It feels  little like cheating, but he knows that this is how I behave. He knows my patterns by now, I mean he talks about it all the time but still Ill be deleting everything off my phone on Tuesday. 

Strange Moods

 I have been in a strange mood lately. I have not been able to focus on sex and the motivation for me to have sex has been really low. Im not quite sure what is happening. It does feel a little like depression but I find it really odd that I don't want sex. D called and asked about coming down today, I kind of gave a vague answer but he was not sure he could do it either so we left it at that. I was exhausted at the thought of having sex with him. I literally just felt like I did not have the energy to do it. He ended up not being available today but he did call me. During the conversation he called me "baby", so this took me back because he does not call me that usually. In all these years I think he might have said is 3x. In my head I was like a school girl thinking ...he likes me he likes me, and in the conversation I kept it cool and did not skip a beat.  I am reminded that I love him in this conversation. Although I am a little exhausted to fuck him right this second. 

JF and I have had little contact with each other. He needed a ride somewhere the other day so he was in the car with me and all the kids. I have these flashes where all of a sudden I am overcome with this feeling of desperation and all I want him to do it is touch me. To be fair for the last year and half of our relationship this is all that I wanted. He is leaving for Africa soon and I already committed in my head what I am going to say to him and that I am going to hug him before he leaves. I know I still love him and wish that he would have been the man I needed him to be....and to be honest I feel like maybe he still might be. Big maybe but shit we had a lot of good things together.

T did come over today. I was not sure he was going to make it so I did not have a lot of time to obsess over it. He came to my house, it was the first time he was in my room. He looked around the room a normal amount and I had some mixed feelings about him being in my room. There is the part of having come into my world that I like and feels like a violation in a good way but there is also this part of me that felt not good enough. I don't know why I felt like that but I did. Maybe something I need think more about. Im very nervous around T, like little kid shy level. I smile a lot. He tries to make me comfortable which is nice of him. I feel like part of the nervousness is the waiting to get the sex. I almost never wait for the sex. For so many relationships maybe even all it is like they walk in and start touching me. And once that starts all the nerves go away. Im not sure why he wants me to be comfortable before or maybe he is just polite. I have not told him the quicker I can touch the dick the better I feel. And he take my hand and puts in on his dick and I finally feel like I can breathe again. This mans dick is thick. I know I covered this before but I was having trouble getting my mouth around it properly. That made me feel a little be defeated. I know I am good a certain things and sucking dick Im usually good at but I was not proud of that today. His dick hurt me at first but after a minute or two I was holding my ankles back so he could get a better angle. I was not coming the same way I usually do either. I did a few times, but it was different then usual hard to explain but all kind works into this fucked up dysphoria I'm in. Although he fucked me good! I exploded all over the bed, and I felt embarrassed by the giant wet spot I left on the bed, but my body felt so damm good. I really wanted to take a nap afterwards. It was an intense relaxation which reminded me I need to be having sex more often. That shit just needs to happen more often. 

I have also been a place lately where I kind of want a relationship. I do miss the good parts of a relationship. I feel like it has been so long since I have had that level of intimacy that I problem have a grandiose idea of just how wonderful it really is. Although I feel like am I missing out on a good relationship with someone I meant to be with? I do like a long term relationship but not one lover. 

Back to T, I want to be more comfortable around him but I am just not. Im not sure what that is about, I do feel like any second he will decide that he does not want to be bothered with me and he will disappear just like that. And I understand that these are casual relationships I have but it would really hurt my feelings for him to just disappear (like he did last time, when we were dating). He also feels like a real grown up and when I am with him I feel like a child (this is good and bad). I got a lot of feelings in respect to T. I really need to sort through them. I was reminded by my friend today after I talked to her about this that I have not had a new relationship in a LONG time.  Figuring out a new person is not easy and takes time. I compare to D which is a well oiled machine, we know what we like and know what to expect from the other person. Like I know he will walk into my room, go to the bathroom, come sit down on my bed take of his boots and continue to undress. He will turn to see what I am doing and he will tell me to get undressed if I have not already. He will then lay on my bed and take his hand and place on that back of my head and say "come over here" in his very hot Trini accent. 

Pictures

 For the first time in ten years I took a pic of my tits. I have not done any picture taking because it was not necessary but in looking for some new regulars it seems like I might have to have some photos. So I did it.  See below. There is also a picture that is really for me of my bruised breast. You really can't get the full affect of it in the picture but there is a bruise handprint and it makes me happy. So I want to put here so I can look back on it if I ever need to remember what it is like when D grips my tits up with his big strong hands.

My life in improving since I asked JF to leave. Life just seems easier and way less stressful. I still have some dysphoria that I can't quite tell what is causing it. I know parenting is just something I am not interested in right now. So it feel like every minute of it soul crushing. It is not to say I don't love my kids but it get very hard to remember why I chose to do this whole parenting thing. I just want to be left alone and they just want to be 2 feet from me at all time. I can not get into kid activities like I used to. I think it is all about getting some balance. For 6 months it was just me and kids all day everyday in this house.  I I went out to see D twice during that time, for like 4 hours a time. So a total of 8 hours of time that was just for me in the last 6 months. Im trying to make a point to go out and be alone and have some dick and relax and do things for myself. My belief is that it will all even out soon.  

I asked JF to watch the kids for me tomorrow. He asked me where I was going, I said that is none of your concern, and he says it depends on what I am doing if he will watch the kids. IDK what I am doing. If I can I will go get some dick but if not I think I might just go out, maybe take a walk by myself, shit I might even go out to eat by myself. I just need time to not be around the kids and not to be a mother. I am desperately seek the part of me that is not a mother.  So depending on his asshole mood I may get some time to myself or I may not. At this point I would be happy sitting in my car in the peace and quiet. 

Im not sure where I should go to really recruit the type of men I am looking for. A friend of mine told me she understands why I hold on to D so tight because good dick is hard to find.  So true. 

The Search Continues

 And the quest for quality new dick goes on. I thought I had identified a good match but it seems like it is not working out. I am slightly overwhelmed with the level of frustration I feel about this search for dick. I keep telling myself it won't be like this forever. Once I find the men I can keep calling them back to keep me satisfied. But right now I am still hungry for dick. Starving for it.  My body is still sore from D the other day but it would not stop me from finding a new stud to service me. 

D and I were talking about JF. He finds JF aggravating and is good to point out how he has used me and taken advantage of me over the years. I fight the urge to believe this. I fight it every time I feel it. I don't want to feel like this man used me because I want to feel like he loved me. What I have learned from dealing with so many immigrants from Africa in particular is that there is room for both love and taking advantage of a person. I think that he loved me but he also so all the things I could do for him. I have seen his friends and family treat him in the same way. I was not prepared for this. JF knocked to come into my house today. This is progress.  He was coming over to see the baby. He still has stuff in my house he needs to get out and he owes me money but we are making progress.

I have been having these conversations with this guy, who might need a name in the blog. I feel like I am running out of letters, I might call him young. Just YB for short. He says he is 29 but his language and vibe tell me he is more like 25 maybe 23. I found myself feeling really into telling him what I want. It was not about pleasing him. For example he says "I want to fuck your ass" to which I reply "No", he says "I want you to drink my cum" to which I reply "No I am not doing that". Hell Yeah I can get into this shit. Just give me the dick and don't ask me to do shit for you, I mean frankly if I did not feel obligated I need to suck the dick either. I do like that he is younger, I love the energy level of a young man. It did make me feel like perhaps I need to be looking for a man who likes older women. I mean in my head I don't feel old but I guess to a 20 something I am old. I am remember the sex I had with young boy who was 20 when I saw him and it was really good. It was not like D level good but it was easy to get to, it was big enough and he had tons of energy. Overall I would give him like a 6.5 only losing point really because me cuming was never on his agenda, I always did cum but never squirted or had the deep orgasm where I can't speak and like D says it sounds like I am trying to speak in other languages. D really is the best lover I have ever had and I have had so many. There are just a few that stand out to me. There is that one guy I think I have mentioned before that I had a threesome with just one time, TC for reference, and our connection was so good that it has been like a good 10 years and I still think about it. I don't know what it was about him but we just had a really good chemistry together. I should have called him tonight. I did asked him a couple weeks ago to come over but he had other plans...now I feel like I don't want to keep begging him for some dick. I get very into my head on that. I don't want to keep offering myself if he is really not into it and I also want him to know I am into, but maybe he has a girlfriend or something and does not need me throwing myself at him. There was T, or is T, but I can not decide what it is about him. You I really like him as like a person and I was totally falling in love with him years ago. So the sex I remember with him gets all clouded with feeling so it is hard to critique the dick because it was so much more than that. (for me anyway), Now with T, Im not falling in love with him like I was but I do like him probably more than I need to. I have only had sex with him 1x so I still can't say why it is good other than to say that it is.I can't cover all the lovers that stand out to me because there is too many. Im sad that I have lost contact with a couple. I know their names but that is about it and sometimes it is just better to leave it where it ended. 

These last two days I have been feeling really angry and hormonal. I have been bitter that the fact that I had to do yard work at my house. It is not the yard work but more that I have to do everything. I have to be the employee, the parent, the man of the house, the landlord, the sister, the daughter, the friend. Im fucking tired. I just want someone to help me out in life. I think that ship may have sailed. Maybe I am just feeling a little bit sorry for myself.