Sunday, November 29, 2020

40 Minutes

 It was 6:19 I was sitting at my kitchen table, the scraps of dinner all over the table, the kitchen was still a mess from cooking it. All the kids had long abandoned me at the table and I sit there and C (did I call him my starter) from last week popped into my mind. I formulate a text which is very brief are you free and do you want me to come over, I can be there at 7. I reluctantly and after much thought push send. I was not even sure if I wanted dick, but something was nagging at me that I did not want to let this opportunity get away from me and I should just ask if he is free. I hit send then I get up to do the dished. I go to sit my phone done on the kitchen counter and I hear the ding. He is in. If I move fast I can make this work. I need to shower, brush my teeth, throw on some clothes and get in the car in 10 mins to get there by 7 so we can fuck for no more than an hour and be back home  to put these kids to bed.  I get it done. I did in this very bold text tell him "I only have an hour, 45 minutes would be better". I got there he was pleasant as he was before. He sees I'm nervous, he made mention to it. I just kept indicating that I need the dick Put the dick in my mouth and I will settle down. He says he notices that I am shy. He gives me his dick and I suck it. I again I like sucking it, I deep throat it a little, He lays down on the bed and he plays with my pussy while I suck his dick. This was new, it was liked he wanted to slow things down, but Idk what he likes, Im not even sure I have even asked him. He did touch me more than last time which was good but I still feel like we are perfect strangers. I leave my shirt on again. I am not sure why exactly I am doing this but if he does seem to want to touch them or see them I ll just leave it one. Makes life simpler right?  This time he stands on the edge of the bed, and I back my ass up to him. And here comes that moment when I feel his dick parting my lips and pressing the sides of my vagina as he enters my body. He slowly pushed his dick all the way in and it felt amazing, hitting all the right spots. It fills me up but does not leave me in pain. He takes his hands and puts them right one my hips like squeezing my hip bones with his hands in order to get a better grip. Right around he I have my first orgasm which was  a deep orgasm.  It was generally at this point that I became much less aware of my surroundings. I don't think it was "forget my own name" orgasm but it was close. We fucking like this the whole time. He spanked me a lot, hair grabbing and a very fine moment of him holding my throat. I was back in my car 40 minutes later. Hallelujah could it be a man that can fuck me like a fucking stud and get me out of this place in 40 minutes. I was going to be home earlier than expected. WOO HOO...  Let me sum this up.

This single mom of 3 just got fucked GOOD, on a weekend evening, still managed to make dinner and do baths and bedtime at home. I came so much that I entered that altered state of awareness aka the zone, I have something like an orgasm as I was driving down 95 on my way home. My body feels good. I don't feel mom guilt about being away to long and there was no drama. I just can't ask for anything more. 

Although on the way there I was in my head thinking about how do I get this man to slap me in the face. I really want to be slapped in the face. Not like leave a mark but some sting. It sometimes hard to ask for what you want for me almost always. I don't know how to work that into a conversation at this point, but I just want to fuck him again. 

Great way to end the week!

Thursday, November 26, 2020

Thanksgiving

I’m sitting in my porch watching my kids play and I feel compelled to talk about all the things I’m grateful for today. First I’m grateful for TMS. If I did not have this depression treatment I would not be able to see any of the things I am grateful for. I’m proud of myself to make and carry out the 8 weeks of daily treatments. I feel like life is moving on such a good direction. Much different then where I was. 
The second thing I am struck by is my unending love of my new single life and my home that is just mine. I go into my room every night and feel my aloneness and I don’t hate it. I revel in it. I enjoy it. My soul needs it. I know sometimes I want a relationship but in my core I don’t know if I want to share a house or a bedroom with someone. I’m really loving the being alone part most of the time. 
I might invite the sincere guy over tonight.  He is good for my spirit. He renews my faith that men are nice. I do cringe when he gets into bed bc sharing that is even hard for me at times but it’s worth it. 
I’m grateful for the people in my life. I do have some great friends and family and fwb. People who are really in my really drama free.  I really have very little stress in my life compared to some others. And I have some great supports in my life. 
I’m grateful for my health all my negative test results and condoms that allow me to have fun and be safe. I’m grateful no one I know has been seriously impacted by covid and excited for a vaccine. 

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

Calling It

 I have been somewhat disappointed in the outcome of my quest to find a team. I am so disappointed I feel like I am calling it a day for now. First and foremost it takes an incredible amount of your time to sort out these men and try to find a one that really wants what I want and is not cheating on his spouse or girlfriend. Morally is does not feel great to me but logistically it causes problems and I don't have the fucking energy for it. My schedule is difficult enough with out having to worry about the details of his and making sure he has an alibi every time he sees me. And men on these sites (from I can glean) are so used to women flaking on them that they assume that going into and seem to expect that you are insincere, which I am not. I really mean what I say. Its a motto I live by, I just wish everyone else did too. 

Secondly there are some ASSHOLES out there. I don't encounter many but when I do I an brought to my knees in the thought at what this world is and how disturbed some individuals are. There is a lot of trauma out there folks. A lot of traumatized children who turned to adults who can't handle rejection and can't handle communication expectation and just kind of flounder their way through life. I just feel like in my line of work I spend a lot of time stroking peoples egos, hand holding and teaching. I don't want to teach a man how to be a man, or a father, or a lover, or a friend. I just want him to know. 

Thirdly I am craving a little bit different type of fulfillment lately. I don't know where this feeling as come from but I am kind of feeling like I want a real relationship. This will be a fleeting feeling I am almost sure of, but for now in this moment I want the exhilaration of a new romance, a man that will hold me when I need it and fuck me when I need it. I am skeptical that I really will find love again. 

My first husband we met at a gas station and we were really as close as we were because were fucking all the time. The sex was good and I was young and he was older and I just loved the sex so much I could see nothing else. And moving in with him at 17 seemed like the perfect idea because I hated living at home. At that relationship became something of convenience, so even after the sex stopped we still had a deep bond. In all reality we still do. (not romantically in anyway but in the you got my back type of way). 

JF, my second husband, I met him and the first night I met him I called my mom on the way home and I heard myself talking to her and everything seems so magical. I was in love at that moment. I still love him and I am struggling to much with those feelings. He has not even made an effort to win me back, which hurts, but also lets me know that I was right to let that go. 

And you all know about D, the unrequited love that keeps me in a state of perpetual need and unfullfillment. Will there be another great love in my life? Will I meet a man and all of a sudden feel all the feels? Again I am doubtful but I kind of want it so maybe I need to pull back a bit. 

I have also had sex with new people which was part of my goal. I needed to explore that a little to see if I still had what it took to see where my head was. What I learned was this, I am about a blunt and to the point with men as humanly possible and rarely get the results that I want. I know that at this age in my life I am not going to pretend that I like something that I do not to make you happy. I have some firm limits and I want people to know that shit going into it. For example, I don't want to have anal sex with a stranger. I just don't. I am not some fucking porn star that does that shit for a living. Anal sex in an intimate experience that takes time and trust, for me anyway, and while I like it when I can relax enough to enjoy it I can't trust these strangers like that. Christ I think D and I were fucking for 4 years before we did anal. I remember the exact place we were when we did it ( at a house he was working on down by the shore). Side Note: We fucked in so many houses that he was working on it was insane. We could never do that now because everyone has a camera but back then we fucked every where. 

So back to what I need out of a man, B (the new white-ish guy for lack of a better term) had it down. He had the element of dominance that I am looking for. I not sure if it was his actions or just his confidence that did if for me but he fucking did it for me. The way he grabbed me and treated me I felt very owned and allowed me to be my submissive self. I need a dominant man to bring me there. People seem to confuse dominance with aggression and or violence and also dominance at a fetish. While it is cool if being a Dom is your thing and it is very fetishized I don't want that. I don't need the leather wear, cock rings and whips and such, although I don't hate a whip, the dominance I want is inherent. It is like a natural element you would find, raw and bold. It makes no apologies for itself it just is exactly what it is. You don't need to polish it or set it in gold to make it magnificent. Its raw beauty is evident no matter which way you look at it and know once you have experienced that this is a rarity. And so my dominant man seems to be so rare as well. I hope to see B again, I told I would text him after the holiday and I have some free time. If I am being honest though Im not sure he is that into me, I can't tell. (So naturally  Im hooked right... smh... I do love men who don't really seem to be that into me... D)

I have not seen D in a bit. I am starting to miss his dick. There is something I have not been able to find his massive dick and olympic style fucking, which I think he might have ruined me for normal sex. 

I have broke down and decided to get and IUD so I don't get pregnant. There is something about worrying about getting your period every month in your 40s that just does not sit well with me. I need to have a bit more control on thing. I don't know who that IUD will benefit but at least I can get some peace of mind. Assuming I don't have a problem with this one like I did that last one. 

I have the week off from work, I was hoping I could fill it with some fun but that looks like it won't happen. 

Saturday, November 21, 2020

Neighbor

 I live in a small town. I never have met anyone here, or really even close to here. I was on this app that I use and a guy sent me a message. The second I saw his pic I knew exactly who he is. He is this guy that lives so close to me that his wi-fi network shows up on my list. I see him a few times a week when he walks his dogs past my house. He is white. I say "hello" when I see him because I am polite but we have never spoken more than that. If I am being honest I always felt like he was a little bit rude. I talk with all my neighbors we are very friendly around here. I just never got any kind of nice vibe from him. Either way we start talking. We very quickly acknowledge that we are neighbors. The conversation continues to build, we talk about lots of things: the neighborhood, that one problem neighbor, sex, fantasy, etc. The hottest part of this whole thing is when I am outside (which shamefully I am outside in my pj with no bra on more times then I care to admit -I always forget something in the car) and he walks past me I will know that he knows that I like to be treated like a slut and that him taking me by the arm and leading me into the  fenced in backyard yard so he can rape me. Bend me over one of the lawn chairs and fuck me. It has been entertaining to say the least. A whole new fantasy realm. 

So I was not going to post this because I felt ashamed again. Or not really ashamed but like I should be ashamed of myself. So really that is about JW reading it. I don't want him to read all the sorted details of my life because I care what he thinks of me. That has some feelings attached to it, its is better to leave that alone right now. So here is the story. 

I met this guy online, he is in town on business, staying the hotel like 5 minutes from my house. I was nervous about meeting him but I still feel compelled to allow myself to do as I wish. I have this deep desire to be free in my life to do all the things that the men in my life have held me back from doing. And meeting a professional black man in his hotel room for a quick fuck is defiantly something that appeals to me. 

I pull up, and I get nervous but not nervous enough that I don't go. The parking lot has several working men coming into the building. Contractors, pick up trucks, tool belts. My mind was going crazy with rape scene details as I sheepishly did the walk of shame into the hotel. I try not to make eye contact with these men that are all over, if they only knew what was in my head, or just how easy it would be to have me on my knees sucking their dicks. 

I ride up in the elevator with one of these men. In the elevator I think about my feelings and reaction if this man made his way over to me and just started to grope me. I smile, underneath my mask and exit the elevator. 

Mask wearing is weird when you are going to fuck. Very weird. He answers the door with a friendly hello and he does make me feel at ease very quickly. I take off my mask. I stand there for a minute. I did tell him I had like 45 minutes to play and I did not want to talk. For a submissive girl by nature I am very good about communicating my needs. Although he talked. I eventually sat down in the chair and we talked some more. I liked him in general, he was friendly and personable but I was thinking about why is this man not coming over to me and putting his dick in my mouth... I finally had to do it. I had to say "I am running out of time". He regroups himself and soon he is naked on the bed and I go to suck his dick. Then he goes down on me. Now typically I am not a huge fan of this, I really crave some fucking more then anything but this was good. I was hoping he was going to suck on my clit for a minute and make is swell up (which is the best damm thing I have ever experienced) but he did not. He went to fuck me, which turned out to be a problem. I don't know but he said maybe the condom was fucking with him. I asked him if he "was not used to having sex with a condom". He had little explanation, but I was not upset, he went down on my, I came 3 times. I felt pretty good. I sucked his dick some more but to no avail.  That part feels like a failure. I don't like it when the other person does not have a good time, but he seemed content. I had to go so I quickly got dressed and put my mask back on and walked the walk of shame out of the hotel full of working men. 

He later told me he was nervous that I was the first white girl he had been with. That was way hot to me. I love that this man will likely always remember me as his first or maybe only white girl. 


JF has been gone for a few weeks now. Life is easier with out him in and out, but I do miss him. I miss the laying in bed together. I miss the family dinners. He video called the other day and I was trying to suck back the tears so he would not see them but they would not stop flowing. So I let it come and told him I was crying because I was frustrated about taking care of the kids all alone. But the truth is I missed him. I still love him so much but I can not do a relationship with him anymore. I have already giving him more then enough changes to be the man I need him to be. I got to call it. The baby really misses he dad and asks for him daily, that part it hard but we are adjusting. I still can't ever imagine me loving someone like I loved my past two husband again. Maybe it will happen but I am not looking for that at all.

I was suppose to see the starter, C, tonight but he bailed on the plans and did not tell me until last minute. That shit pissed me off. I'll give him a pass but really that was some inconsiderate shit. 

So instead I am catching up on my blog and going to bed early.

D called me last night. He finally said he wanted to see me. I said how about 930 when the kids are asleep. He said thats too late. He says 1 I say one is hard but I can try to do it. I will call you in the morning to work out the details. So a rearrange my life and make 3 work, he says no 1. Like the bitch I am for him, I make 1p work, I call him to tell him that and now he is not sure when he can come, maybe 3 is better. We were going back and forth and I was getting an attitude with him. He knows I have kids, one of those kids is his kid. He knows my support system in limited but he wants to dick around with times on me. We bother agreed today was not a good day. 

I feel a little bit like crying today, for no apparent reason just a little bid emotional. I think it is better I spend my night alone with no company tonight because men are working my nerves again.  Just to clarify what I am looking for, clean, consistent,reliable, good dick and man that can walk into a  room and grab me by hair and do what he wants with me and feel no resistance to spanking me, slapping me, or fucking me, using me.  And I want that same man to walk out of my room and only text me again when he wants to do that again.  Its the holy grail I am looking for here. The holy grail. 

Wednesday, November 18, 2020

Starter


 I’ll explain the picture in just a minute 


The other day I met someone new. It feels like one of these guys that are so laid back about things that your not quite sure if he wants you or not. I feel like so many men you meet lay on the bullshit so thick it is hard to get a sense of what they are saying because they think they need to say something fantastic in order for us to fuck. In reality, for me it is about the dominance and the connection. It is also about any red flag behaviors. (For example this one guy was totally like "thanks for getting back to me". Excuse me. I could care less if I did not get back to you. I don't know you and nothing in our initial conversation made me feel compelled to message you back. And now your condescending remarks have gotten you on the blocked list. Thats the bullshit I don't want. If you can't handle me not texting you back how about when I don't call you for a month...) But back to the new guy, Im going to call him C. I asked him to stop by one day and he said he could not. Then I asked one more time and he was euthusactily into it. I got out of my house for two hours. I only had two hours. He lived about 30 minutes away. I got to his place and he came out to meet me. I felt embarrassed in my mini van because nothing is less sexy then a reminder of how many kids a women has. He had on a towel and a t-shirt as he just got out of the shower. We walked down this long alleyway between the two houses. I started to stop walking because it was scary but then we were at his door. I keep telling myself it is ok. He is not going to kill me, you can't rape the willing so I am going to be ok. I get a sense of brave when I finally get into his apartment and see that is is nice. Its clean and inviting.

He just got out of the shower and he is wearing a towel. He and I briefly talk and he makes a comment like  watching tv or something. In my mind I am like "Hell no we are not watching tv". I had two hours to make the most of my weekend and I was not going to let this opportunity slip away from me. The next thing out of his mouth was "do you mind if I just keep the towel on or should I just go but something on" and as he was saying it he seemed to be walking back to his room to get clothes. I said " just take the towel off and come over here". He seemed to have been shocked by this, like he did not know what I said, so I said it again. He came over to me, while I sat on the edge of his bed. I took his dick in my mouth and started sucking it. I really enjoyed sucking his dick. I felt powerful in that moment. I liked it, but as I was sucking I am thinking about what is going to happen next. I am not a leader in sex. I can not call the shots. I was waiting for him to touch me. He was not touching me. Again I am struck with this angst that I will not get what I need. I stand up and take my clothes off and get into his bed. He follows me. There is this moment before a man puts his dick in your body that always stands out for me. The moment when I can feel the tip of his dick but he is not in yet. This might be one of my favorite moments. There is just so much anticipation, with new dick, but even with D I still get so elated when this moment happens. I like for that to me slow so I can really take the time to feel the dick sliding into my pussy. So he starts fucking me and starts touching me a little bit, but not a lot. The dick was good though so I was very much into it. At this time he was on top, but he did not get close to me like chest to chest he stayed kind of distant. I remember at one point I wanted to cum badly but I was afraid I would squirt all over his bed. I could not do that. (My house I have the waterproof mattress pad) I would be embarrassed if that happened. I was able to stop it. I really only squirt during sex in the missionary position so when he told me to flip over I was good. He stood at the edge of the bed and I backed my ass up to him and felt that glorious dick slip in again. He grabs my hair and pulls my head back as he is fucking me fast and hard. At one point he put his hands, no around my neck, but on my shoulders very close to my neck giving me a sensation of being the realness of this mans control in this moment. It was hot. I really enjoyed it. We fucked for about 45 minutes then he walked me out and that was that. Very little talking. I was home in time to still be a parent to my children. It was incredible and just what I needed. Now I am not sure if he is into it. He acted like he was but he did not text me again. He also has some shit going on in life and is busy like me so I can appreciate that. I am kind of nervous to text him again. I am used to people reaching out to me not the other way around. If I had to put this in terms of my team I would say he would be a starter. 

There is this picture I saw the other day while reading world news. It was of a fishing spot of the coast of some African country. Im not sure which one. In the photo is a beach and the beach is covered with young black men and their fishing boats and nets. They are working in the photo, folding up nets and suck. I stared at his photo for a few minutes and played the mind game I play with myself and pretending I am there on that beach with all those beautiful black men who have been working all day long in the ocean and are stressed and tense and need and outlet to help them relax. I see myself on this beach is a short sundress looking lost and I go to one of these men (for me it was the one I could see the best in the photo) and I ask him for help on how to get home. I start to cry because I am lost not sure where to go and I feel the hundreds of eyes of the men watching me with my bright white porcelain skin stand before. The man gives me a hug and I can feel his giant cock through his shorts. In an instant it went from him consoling me to fingering me with vigor. I am cuming and still aware of all these men around me. In one swift movement he bends me over the small boat and slides his massive black cock into my cunt. The men gather around to watch the white beauty take black cock. As he finishes I am barely able to finish my orgasm before I feel another cock in my body. 

This is why I don't finish things, sex really does distract me.

Thursday, November 12, 2020

New Obession

 D has not called me. I’ve been okay with that but day by day I worry that he will be upset with me for not calling him. I was sitting on the porch enjoying some quiet time and I know I need to call him. My breath tightens up and I stomach gets nervous. My heart beats faster. I think to myself what the fuck is wrong with me. 18 years this man has kept me on my toes.  He has kept me wanting to give him everything for all these years.  I don’t understand the totality of his control until I feel the sense of angst that I might disappoint him by not calling ripping through my body. He answers but we have a bad connection and the call fails.  I call him back and it goes right to voicemail. I am relieved. 

I did talk to him the next day, when I see his name pop up I take a deep breath and convince myself to answer the phone. It was actually a fun conversation where we talked about how I like him to beat me (for lack of a better term) while he fucks me. 

I have been heavily thinking about rape lately. Im not sure what sparked this resurrection of this intense need to experience a very real rape scene but I have got it bad. I literally think about it all day. I think about the times in my life when I have experience such a thing, I think about the details of what I want, I am obsessing over all of it. 

For example, B, the white like guy from the other day has sparked a interest in trying out a white man. I can not believe I just wrote that but white men generally repulse me so I feel like what better than to have a white man participate in a rape fantasy with me. The other day when B grabbed my neck and held my jaw and looked at my lips and he said some kind of shit to me about what a whore I was made me instantly wet. I keep thinking about that. I hope I get to see him again, I like the way he made me feel.

So in looking for white guys to fulfill my rape fantasy I am reminded about just how uncomfortable white men make me. I just feel uneasy with them, I do not trust them, I believe that they will hurt me in some way, be physically or emotionally. That is one of those issues that a therapist might want to dive in deep on but for now I will leave it at it is a challenge to let me guard down enough to get to know them at all. 

I have been sporadically talking with this black guy, a Dom, who was one of these men that do this initial power grab when they don't know you at all, and I eat that shit up. I feel like a puppy following their Master. He reminds me of the sick son of a bitch white guy, the first Dom. He is very similar is his demeanor and tone with me, but alas there is always a fatal flaw.  There is this strong line in the sand when it comes to my behavior impacting my kids. So that may mean, not being able to text or call because it is "Mom Time" or it may mean not being able meet the very unrealistic demands of a Dom. This is where things ended with that. I told him No because lets face it, I don't know you, Ive got shit to do, and lets keep some perspective this is all just a game we play. This is not real life. I mean part of it is real life, but I will never blindly follow a Dom where I don't already want to go. 


Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Tests

 I have been vascilating between causal sex is easy and normal and casual sex is bad and I am a whore( in a bad way). I watch these videos of this comedian on Facebook and in every skit he fucks a new woman. This has ignited some desire in me to fuck new people. In these skits I watch too much of casual sex is normalized and it plants a seed in my mind and helps me erase the negative feelings I might have about having more than one lover. There is part me never really has a problem with multiple partners.  I don’t generally believe it is bad or value based behavior. It feels very fundamental in the way animals fuck almost. They do it because it is instinctual and they don’t receive judgment for it. Even penguins have homosexual sex and there is not value judgment by other penguins. Im just saying I realize I am not an animal but we do have sexual instincts. 

There are two reasons that at times I have held back from fucking new people. I have a very intense fear of physical harm. I would definitely meet more people if I were not afraid of a man hurting me, killing me or some other equally horrible act. I like a man that can over power me and while I feel like a strong woman there is something in the way a strong man grabs you that makes you take notice and remember at the end of the day he can and will do anything he wants to you. That’s scary. On a mans whim he can impregnant me, strangle me,   fuck my ass, take the condom off and fuck me. It is unfair of the balance of power. As a women I try to weed out the crazies but I feel like it is a game of chance each and every time. 

Today before this man enters my body I do the condom check and think to myself if he wanted to fuck me without this condom, I am not sure I could stop him. Lets all think back 9 years ago when JW was fucking me with a condom and at the very end like some kind of carnal instinct he rips it off and slams his raw dick back in my pussy and comes in my pussy.     So to be clear it was fucking amazing but really how much control do I have anywhere with anyone? 

The other part is shame. I don’t want to be shamed for fucking. My first husband made me feel like a moral-less whore, my second husband made me feel like I should repent for my behavior and I don’t want to be judged anymore. I just want to be free to fuck whomever I want whenever I want. 

This is why I have very few female friends. Many judge. It’s just sex. It’s not a big deal to me why must we shame women for fucking when men are not subject to the same scrutiny. How many men will feel shame for having sex with different women. I double standard in maddening. 

Twice in the last month two men has said to me when is the last time I been tested. Now one man said very honestly that he was unsure because my ex was African and D is from the islands.  Now the current  situation in these parts of the world is not lost on me. My ex would get hiv tests everytime he traveled there just bc hiv is prevalent there and you can’t be too careful. So I just felt like I was less than because of the nationality of the men I chose. The second man was more kind but it made me cry.  I was really crying fir a minute as I thought about how this man wants to be with me but because of my history wants me to get tested. 

It’s not that I have a problem with it really, I mean there are lots of times I wish there could be a little more wellness security with the men I fuck but lets face it there is not. You can use condoms but they break, crazy people take them off and you can have a monagomous relationship and someone cheats on the other. It happens all the time. You can give up your life for a man or woman and trust them explicitly and they can still do you wrong. There are no guarantee anywhere with anyone. You say a little prayer, do what you can and hope for the best or you abstain.  It just hits this deep emotional level of fundamentally not feeling good enough for a man. 

I do get tested yearly and when I was in the lifestyle I would do every six months. I am health conscience. There is just a lot of shame involved in this tope. 

So I almost chose to not write about my day today because of this  I feel not matter who or how I have sex with someone, someone else will have some feelings about it. I kind of need to push myself. I thought maybe I will just write an email to my friend who reads the blog regularly and I can email him and not censor myself and I will feel heard and I will unburden myself from all these feelings I have. But ultimately I feel like I have made a commitment to myself to explore my sexual adventures through this blog and I don't want to fake it because I am afraid of what someone will think of me. 

Enter B -  B is different then the typical man I feel like I am seeing  but in some ways is very similar.  He is self proclaimed dominant  and our conversation it felt like he might be the type of man I’m looking for.   We agreed to meet today.  I did not have a lot of time to get ready,  I was in the shower when he pulled up  I threw on a long shirt and answered the door  still wet from my shower and panty-less   I immediately lead him upstairs and all I can think of when I am walking up the stairs in front of him is if he can see my ass as I take each step up. Thank you Jesus he starts touching me very quickly,  he wants to take off my shirt but I resist because I just feel too exposed to me naked. (Remember even nakedness with D has been throwing me for a loop). He lets me leave it in a minute while he bends me over the bed and spanks me. He spanks my ass but most importantly he spanks me right on my pussy as I am bent over.   He spanked me hard  most of the time it was a good hard but there were a few times I lost my breath as I gasped in pain. Its a fine line between to pain and bad pain. Once or twice we were coming close to bad pain.  He stood behind me with his hard dick pressing into my pussy through his pants. (side note it is I credibly vulnerable feeling when your naked and the man is not, I like this)   He slips off my shirt  he tells me to get on my knees and I do  At one point we get into the bed and he sucks on my tits in between fucking me...  he wears a condom for all of those worried about that.

There was a lot of mental stimulation here,  it was weird but he reminded me of my high school boyfriend my first boyfriend who was white  he was black but acting very much like the white men I know. I feel like that sounds racist but it’s hard to explain but it’s all in demeanor and nuanced mannerisms. He was even built like my high school boyfriend. It has mad me think maybe I would not mind having a white man again ...I doubt it but you never know. It got me thinking. 



Monday, November 9, 2020

Looking Up

I am feeling different. Very different in a very good way. I have been going for this TMS treatment every weekday now for 2 weeks, today started the 11th treatment. Over the weekend I noticed I was remarkably lighter in spirit and I actually wanted to spend time with my kids. I could do things that I wanted to do. I did not feel the empty dead feeling. I have noticed that I have been crying a bit more, not in a bad way, it is almost I can feel things now where before it was all kind of numb. Im not sure where the rest of these treatments will take me but so far I am thrilled with the response. I needed a win. Sweet Jesus I NEEDED to feel some good feelings, I have felt so bad for so long. 


I have not had really much contact with D. I have my period anyway so this time in my life has always been a week for me. I spend time on me and my mind is free from the desire for dick and I can think about other things. Although I must say today I have been checking out these wonderful dick pics I have and damm near salivating. I keep stopping what I am doing and bringing the dick image up in my head and think about how good it might feel as it enters my body. Brining up the feelings of stretching my pussy slowly as he makes sure I can accommodate his massive dick. And then when he gets it in I can feel him pounding into my cervix as I gasp with each thrust. So while my period has slowed things down for a couple days I have a lot of desire. I even feel up for D’s olympic style sex. 


That guy I met last week, the very sincere man, wanted to come by Saturday. At first I was ok with that, but I was too nervous about my oldest being here. I don’t want her to see more then one man in and out of my bedroom and D already is that one. It stressful because I do feel like I am so limited in what I can do and not do and I thought it was bad when my ex-husband (the 1st) would judge me for fucking different men but the thought of my kids judging me stops me dead in my tracks. 


I was just sitting downstairs with the kids for about an hours. Literally no one paid any attention to me. I thought it would be a good time to come write and literally in the 6 minutes I have been sitting here there has been 4 interruptions. What the fuck? 


I have been toying with the idea of a Dom/Master. Im not sure what I want from that kind of relationship. Part of me wants a man who will manage dick for me and part of me wants this deep need to please. It takes a lot of time and effort to make that kind of relationship / situation work. Not all men know how to be a good Dom. I would say very few understand that it is such a mental game. Some Doms (even mine in the past) don’t  fuck their subs. It is all about the mental submission. It is like that feeling I get when D goes through my room or my car. I had a Dom that had access to all my email, everything I did he knew about. I look back on that and I wonder how I got to that place with him, but the skilled Dom takes you there, he ignites your desire to serve and you are putty in his control. Its scary when I think back on just how I was able to be put under his spell. Not everyone but there was one or two.

Thursday, November 5, 2020

Team Building

I feel like I spend much of my day “writing” this blog in my head. Things I see throughout the day always have me day dreaming about sex. Today it was this group of city workers, standing in a circle where they are digging a hole to plant a tree. There was a root in the way and one man had the hatchet (or some tool that he was swinging at the root to break it up). It was him that my eyes were fixed at while I sat in my mini van full of kids. I just liked the way his body moved, he was so strong and conveyed confidence in what he was doing. I know if he was in my bedroom he would take care of the job at hand. And true to me the group of men watching him work made me reminisce of gang bangs of the past. Oh the nostalgia! I love it. 


I am on a website to help build my team of dick, its not going like I would expect it to. There is lots of dick out there. Frankly I wish dick pic were mandatory before I even get it started. I am looking for a certain kind of dick. I big one. A strong one. My tolerance for chit chat (as it always have been is a little bit more extreme) is damm near nothing. I want to know all the information to decide if things will be a good fit logistically then I will figure out the rest in time. Im also in need of the mental part. If you have a good dick and your an asshole I can get down with that. I notice a lot of people want a lot of attention, more then I am willing to give. I also assume getting to know someone is hard like this but I want a man that makes me feel like I want to make him happy. It is hard to articulate just what that is. It is the indefinable and the intangible presences that he has that I would want him in my pussy even if his dick was not big. There is the one guy who just right off that bat made me feel like that but thus far that has not worked out. 


I just want someone to come over fuck me hard and leave. I don’t really want anything fancy. Im looking at this like a supplement dick not the main thing. And so I don’t want questions about what I like. (In my most bitchy voice) I feel like saying I like dick! I just want the dick. Just walk into my room take your dick out, put it in my mouth, let me suck it, put a condom on, fuck me like your life depends on it and when your done, get your shit together and bounce. Of course as you know someone it get more involved…sometimes, but right now that is the extent of what I want. 


Im feeling a little bitchy this week as my period will be here next week. I don’t feel the need for dick like I typically do during this week. It comes in spurts. Like the guy digging up the root, I see that, my body has a physical reaction to that. I saw two nice looking black men walking down the street, that is enough for me to feel the need for it. The need, right now anyway, is fleeting. It comes and goes through out the day but it is never there enough for me to make moves to fix it. I have not even been masturbating,


So I had plan with T this morning for what is turning into a twice a month visit. I can live with that. This situation is really turning into exactly what I need. So there is hope! He lets me know when he can come, I tell him if I can fit him in my work schedule for the day, if I can he comes, if I can’t we find a new day. No one has feelings about this. It does not feel like rejection or anything. When it can happen it does. He is on time when he says he is going to be here. He smells good, he is pleasant and conversational for a minute. We have good sex, and he goes. It was lovely. It is what I need a little more in my life. I would not mind 1 maybe two other dicks I can get to on the regular. I just have to make sure I have what I need. 


I have been feeling like I do not know what I want lately, sexually. Like what do I even like? All I have really been wanting is fucking. I don’t know why I am so hyper focus on that but I am. Today T was sucking on my nipples and I feel like I had a reawakening. I was like oh yes nipple play was good. I feel like I forgot how good that can be. I really feel like I am in a period of transition where I should explore lots of things to see what I like. I have been a bit closed minded lately. I do wish I had just a little more time to devote to my own pleasure. My days have been VERY scheduled and busy. I have not had much time at all to even think and breath. I hoping that changes soon. 


I was talking to D today. Long story short he needed my last name for something and he could not remember it. He could not remember it! I have changed it twice in our relationship but shit the last time I changed it was 10 years ago. SMH. Meanwhile I know his first middle and last, the names of his siblings, his Dad, I write his name loving when I am bored at meetings.  ( I even sigh in my head when I hear it) :)

Sunday, November 1, 2020

It finally happened.

It has finally happened. For the first time in 10 years I have had sex with someone new. The very nice and sincere guy I spent time with last week was the one who did it. I feel like it is time to give him a name to call him…Im going to call sincere J. I was unsure if I wanted company. I thought about it all night. I was leaning toward no. I just did not particularly want to have sex and I just wanted to sleep and relax…and watch Golden Girls alone in my bed. However he texted me just at the right time and I though well, I have energy so maybe this will be fine. 

I sent a very clear text that said the following “ok here are the details, condom must be used, you can’t stay late, You need to take the lead and I am wearing my pajamas”, He seemed fine with that so he came out. As I see him walk up the steps I remember all over again why I like  him. He is very attractive, We go to the room and lay there trying to get comfortable and I am trying to calm down about this man entering my body. He brings condom and wears it. He did not even have me suck his dick. I mean I’m ok with out but I don’t know about him? Dont men love that? I felt like we had some challenging with logistics, he told me to turn over and then he began to shine. Although he did try to fuck my ass, which made me smh a bit, we are not fucking my ass right off jump street. He was slapping my ass a little while he was hitting from the back but Im not used to this level of spanking. My intensity level norm is leaving handprints and sometimes bruises on your body. The the light touch was different but does not make me feel dominated. I need a certain level of pain to really enjoy myself. He really  began to come into his own as he was hitting it from the back. Overall it needed to happen. I needed to explore some people outside of my small circle. 


I have been looking to expand my “team” on this dating site. It is like a full time job. I get tons of messages and I try to sift through them as efficiently as possible. So this looks like if you are not black you message gets deleted. Although I was on the fence about Spanish men, when I think about Spanish men I don’t necessarily think big dicks and fucking skills. Then their pics, first if they have a hat on (particular that flat brimmed baseball hat with the sticker on the to) then that’s deleted too. Too much facial hair - gone. If the background of your photo is messy your probably getting deleted too. There are so many hoops to jump through I start thinking to myself …do I really want a new lover? There is this one guy that I feel like I am chasing a bit. BW for short, his pictures are nice, he looks like a man I can hold a conversation with should I need to and he looks like someone that I can see my self submitting to. Im not sure what characteristics he has that makes me feel that way. He says he is “kinda big” but I am waiting for photo. You know some men have a skewed idea of what kinda of big is, but either way even if it is kind of big I won’t know if he can use it until I try it out. Hopefully I get the chance to do that. 


In other news JF (and for the newcomers JF is the father of my 2nd and 3rd child and we recently end our relationship) left for his trip. He goes to Africa, it is a lot of traveling. He had delays, needed to repeat his Covid test at the airport, he left Wednesday, did fly until Thursday night but still no call saying I am here, I made it, no call to talk to the kids. It brings me stress, which the whole reason (well a main reason) our relationship did not work out. The level of stress of not hearing from someone or being able to contact them is too much. I know that we are not together anymore but he told me he would call and he told the kids he would call too. Too much stress. 


I have not been calling D still. I am feeling a little bit exhausted and I need all my energy to play with him. Even to talk with him I still get nervous to talk with him. I have got to prep myself, I usually will go sit somewhere a lone and then I will call him or take his call. He incites this need to be ready and available to him for anything. And after 18 years together I would say I am only slightly more comfortable with him on the phone. He also does not get when Im tired or I think he does not get the level in which I get exhausted. He acts like he can do everything so easily but he did not raise three kids alone. I have a reason to be tired. I work a lot and I work hard.