High Times

I was having a lot of anxiety yesterday morning. Inexplicable anxiety that was really fucking me up. So I tried the edible but rather than the gummy I did the drops. I took WAY too much. It takes a while to kick in, so fast forward about 3 hours and I was stoned. I could not even get up off the bed. To be clear this was not a good high, it was horrible. I was laughing but I was incapacitated and I did not like it at all. D called me during this time and I did not answer the call but he kept calling me and calling me so I picked up. I tried to talk but I could not. I could not function. I told him I could not talk. I told him I was too high to talk and he said is the most disapproving way "are you smoking weed", I emphatically proclaim "No! I took an edible". He was pissed and said he had to go because "I was obviously busy". I mean obviously when I did not answer the first 3x he called, but he persisted. He pissed me off in this moment so bad. In my intense high was like fuck him. I dont need him or anyone tell me what to do. I pay my own bills, I take care of my own life, I will do what I want to do.

Fast foward a few hours, I was ok enough to function and the trucker text me he was in town. I can't seem to stop seeing the trucker. I was excited to see him. I meet him about 10 minutes from my house and I drive to the lot where he is, exit my mini van and climb into this huge truck. He is chatty as always and talks about how much le loves looking at my pussy. He really seems to like to look at it. I quickly suck his dick and I just want the dick in me. I did not know but I was just hours before I get my period and I was in heat. I devoured the dick and came several times. I was thinking about in my head just how much I have missed dick and how good this felt. In sweet perfection, I clean his cum up off of my stomach and I get dressed and get out as quickly as I came in, with a "let me know when you are back", he says "for sure" as he gets dressed. 

I got my period this morning and thought to myself that is why that dick felt so amazing. It is the time of the month when I am the most in need of the dick and for once I did not need to go out and find it, it just came to me. 

In the light of today, D pissed me off. I have two very distinct feelings about him. Love and disgust. His disapproval of yesterday made me mad and I already know he is going to accuse me of being with someone else,  and I am not really in the mood for hearing his mouth. I just do not want to be bother explaining myself because he does nothing for me and I dont think I need to give him an account of everything I do because that is not the space we are in right now. His tone just did not sit well with me. I dont know what our next conversation will be like but I am not looking forward to it. 

This week has been a difficult week for me. I have been more tired than usual and just not felt great mentally. Ive been struggling with anxiety and lack of motivation to do anything. I have been sleeping like 13 hours a night and just feeling sad. The holidays are really hard for me and my entire childhood every holiday included traumatic events, like the Christmas Eve my Dad got so drunk he tried to kill himself by jumping out of our family car while we were moving and I sat in the back seat and watched that, then held him in telling him to please not to kill himself because I needed him. Or the Christmas Eve we had to get him out of jail for kicking the shit out of somebody's car because he got too drunk, or the Christmas Eve's at my aunts house where my grandmom would get my cousins actual gifts and give me and my sibling a soap set. Not to harp on the past but this shit is not easy to process as an adult when I had no way of dealing with it as a child. So even though things are ok now sometimes just a smell of something (particularly alcohol) will spark such and intense memory that it bring my mind and body right back to that night. 

I dont go into liquor stores for this reason. They make me remember being a child and going there to pick up beer and remembering the disdain in my moms demeanor as she bought the beer for him. The smell of the store, the look of it, it is all so negatively overwhelming. I have only been in a liquor store maybe 1x every two years or so when I needed to go. And it would be to pick up a gift or wine for cooking. 

After all that, D's voice shunning me because I was high was frustrated. Maybe he should have called me to ask me why I feel like I need to get high, like show some actual concern vs disapproval. I could have been reading too much into it but I dont think so. I am familiar with his disapproval, like when he saw my collection of prescriptions and told me I am killing myself with this shit. HARD EYE ROLL. I am doing the best I can to get by in life currently. He has to be a help to me and not a hinderance because I can not take on anything that is going to bring me down, I already feel like I am dragging an anchor around everywhere I go. 

I kinda of wish I could have skewed this to be more light and easy read but I can't really fake it tonight. I feel like shit and I dont want to pretend. I also fucked up big time at work. I fixed it but when I get back to work I know some people are going to be mad at me. I am stressed about that. 

Also JF called the kids on Christmas Day for like 30 seconds (because the video was not working) and that was that. I have not heard from him since. SMH. They are not asking for him, I feel like they already know what to expect from him. My daughters, the youngest, is having a birthday soon. She will want him and I dont know if he will be around or available by phone. 

All I got is a fond farewell of 2021 and prayers and hopes that 2022 will lead me closer and closer to self-actualization, a full-filling loving relationship, healthy family and more sexy videos to post. 

In Stitches

 I want to recount my experience with FOB the other night but there needs to be some back story.  So it seems like I have been having pain with sex in the last month or two. It has bothered me because I have not been able to fuck as I would like and well I like to stay on top of things like that. So I did talk to my doctor and she wanted to try a steroid and if that did not help she wanted to do a skin biopsy. Nothing makes you feel old then hearing the need for a skin biopsy just to be on the "safe side". So I end up having this biopsy in the area of my perineum. It was as painful as it sounds and of course because I am a red head she could not get the bleeding to stop and I needed two stitches. I seriously was traumatized by this procedures. I almost passed out, they had to get the smelling salts out. It was a fucking mess. I already got the test results back and no cancerous or pre-cancerous cells or anything of note. I was relieved but shit I still have stiches. She said the stitches would come out in about a month on their own and I could have sex in a few days if I wanted to. This made me nervous, sex a few days after that and gosh I had not look at it but I visual in my head I thought would be traumatizing for any man to see. So I had no intention of having sex until at least my two week check in with her. 

Fast forward, FOB asks me to come and see him and I tell him I am not having sex because of the stitches and I am not coming there to suck your dick either so why do I need to come. He says he wants to spend time with me. I am wary of this. First, FOB is intense with wanting to know how he fits into my life and truthfully he does not. I am happy to spend some time with him while I wait for some full time D dick but I am not going to be in a relationship with him. For some reason I was having trouble telling him no, even as I was texting him I would come down I was thinking that I did not really want to but I felt compelled. So I go. 

I get there and we sit on the couch. He is not warm and inviting, it is almost like he did not invite me over. He quickly asks me to move closer to him but I tell him he needs to move closer to me (because I like to dominate sometimes). He moves closer to me and kisses me. I remember missing kissing him when we first broke up but as I am kissing him I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing stirred in my body and I thought to myself that it is very weird that I have no reaction to this at all. He tries to lure me upstairs. I reiterate that I am not having sex and reminded him that I told him that. He acts like he did not hear it, like it was a surprise to him. Classic man move, he probably did not listen to me when I was talking. He was pissing me off trying to touch me, I told him like three times but then he whipped my sock off and started sucking on my toes. This is good. I prefer this to someone licking my ass. He does this for awhile and then asks me again to go upstairs because he wants to eat the pussy. 

Ok, I do remember how much I liked his oral skills so I was down. We went up to his bedroom where he laid me on the bed and bent down on his knees and provided good oral but I think I was feeling just a little too nervous to relax and enjoy it. He then breaks out a bag of toys. Whips, gag, handcuffs and such. I was frustrated by this. I did not want to be bothered with these toys. There are times in my life when submissive play is fun and when I feel submissive but tonight was not one of those nights. He tries to get me into the ball gag but I hate these things, they hurt my jaw. Fuck, I dont know who can keep there mouth open like that but it hurts your jaw. I am not using this. I repeatedly tell him no to the point that I feel like punching him in his face and really letting him know how I am not feeling this. I let him put the handcuffs on me but only because he kept my hands in front of me. He used the whip some while I was sucking his dick, it was not bad but I can not stress enough....I will not be breaking any men into BDSM play. They better practice on some other bitch because I am not the one. 

I finally asks for the dick and he is slowly slides it in and once I know that it is not going to hurt it feels good. This video is is giving me trouble, but at least you will get the audio. 

He wanted me to stay longer but I had no interest. I really have no feelings for him anymore. I feel nothing at all. The video did amuse me. I like watching it and most of all hearing it. 

I dont know if I am going back soon. It depends on how I feel. D is suppose to come by this week so I probably will be taken care of for awhile. 

Taking Care of Business

 My week was very busy and full of work stress. By the time the truck driver texted me that he was in town I was ready for some dick induced relaxation. I did have a lot of dick offers this week but I just could not make it work logistical, so this one felt like a great option. 

All in all seeing the truck driver is perfect. He meets me close to my house, he has a nice dick, he is a nice person, and it is quick dick which works for my life. However this is one draw back and it is a big one. I have to do the walk of shame every time. And there are always people around to see me climbing into or out of this truck. He knows it bothers me, so he went out of his way to park in a place where I could be discreet, but by the time I got there some other truck had parked there and I just felt like there were a million people looking at me. In reality probably 2 maybe 3 people saw me as he stood behind me and helped me into the truck and stood behind me and guided me out again, 

So I let him fuck me raw. He happily took the condoms out from where he stashed them last time I saw him but I can not bring myself to go through the diligence of the condom, I just want to feel his raw dick in me and I want the sweet slippery dick in my body. He of course did not disappoint. Sad news is it did not last that long. I defiantly could have used more dick but I was happy with what I got. And I sat and talked with him for a few minutes. I always feel so renewed when I enjoy talking with man a fucked. There are very few men in my life other than fucking and I really just have missed having that masculine energy near me. I am a lover of men. I like their energy and the ease in which some can conversate. The break I have had from men had made me appreciate them just a little bit more. 

I called D today. He answered with joy in his voice like he was happy to hear from me. We talk a little bit and make plans for next week. I ask him if he "is really moving down here with me" with a deep need for reassurance. I had this conversation with someone the other day who reminded me that at times D has not always come through for me. This thought has not been in my mind. I have not given a lot of thought to the fact that D would not move here once we discussed the plan. My friend brought this doubt in my head that made me question D. He reassured me and we talked more about it. I needed to hear him say that. It felt good. It felt like it grounded me again in what I already knew. The story of D and me has been unorthodox and strained at times. It has been sweet and has been a source of pain at times. It has been so many things but it has always been. I have always belonged to him, from the day I met him, I was his. As we move forward in this new phase I take solace in our history, that D does not surprise me, he is pretty even and consistent in his way. It has taken me a long time to regcongnize his way. 

I still feel in no hurry for him to move here. Most days I wish I could have his body in mine and I still walk around my day and try to figure out how D would fit into it, but I am patient (for the first time ever in my life). I feel secure with the plan and the way that details need to be worked out before just jumping into it. It still feels like a good place to be. It feels like I am moving in the right direction. And even though I am still playing with others, it does not feel like a betrayal still, it just feels like taking care of business. And it will easily fall away once D is in my life everyday. 

A Girl has got to Eat

 So, I went to see FOB yesterday. We chatted briefly the day before and he showed me his rock hard dick and I decided that I wanted to try that again. I had my period so I told him we would need to wait. As I remembered he was terribly disgusted by fucking during my period, but his openness to it had changed. He had not had sex since we last saw each other in September and he was dealing with a rock hard dick all day long and I think that helped changed his mind to try fucking me while I was bleeding. So I went. I was slightly excited to get out of the house and away from the kids. He actually lives closer to me now, just in the opposite direction and he is in his own place now. I get there and he is some what cold with me. I guess I was expecting the same lovingness that I got when we were together but it was a little weird. We were talking and discussing our relationship. He said "I want to slap you so bad". He slowly made his way over to me and held my hands down with one hand and slapped me seductivly with one hand. I swear my legs just opened while he hover above me. Before I knew it I was naked and he was bending me over the ottoman and fucking me well. After I felt him cum inside of me he sat on the couch and sat next to him. I asked him to come closer to me. I wanted to feel his skin on my skin. And he sat next to me and rested between my tits and my arm laid across his back. His dark skin and my light skin complementing each other. As I held him, I began to feel tears falling down my face. Just subtle silent tears trailing down my face as I thought about how I did love this man and how it was also not a good fit.

We then fucked again, this time on the steps and FOB is big on positions and fucking hard. I got dressed, gave him a hug goodbye and left to return to my life. I did not feel guilty about it all in the slightest. I am still devoted to D as I always was but like I had said before, if he is here and taking care of me then I am there with him, but if he is not I still have to eat. 

I have relaxed myself a lot with sex but I still need it. 

I spoke with JF the other day, alone, without the children. It was cold and uneventful. I very quickly came to the conclusion that I just can't worry about JF. He is in his own world and I am not his focus, his kids are not his focus. He is his focus and I just can't waste my time letting myself love him. I just had a temporary set back in loving him for just a moment but I am back to reality. 

I still feel that deep sense of peace I have had lately. JF did not disturb it. I feel good still. Really peaceful and content. I love this feeling. It is very freeing. 

Welcome to America

 This guy, I used to play with before JF, so like 11 years ago, and who I saw once in the last year has been texting me. I have been tip toeing around his texts but I finally pulled the the trigger and told him I was not playing anymore or at least for now. It was Hard to say it but I did it. It was really hard to acknowledge that is what I want, but I do. I want to enjoy a relationship with D and not feel guilt and I have been ok so far. I have been missing sex but I have my period anyway so I am beat on that, like always. 

JF made it back and the kids are happy. They are happy in an understated way. I think the JF does not realize that it just makes them feel more secure with him near them, even if it is just him sitting with them while they play. He is spending the night here. Just one night. On the couch. 

When I saw him step into my house I was numb I did not feel anything but as the minutes ticked by I was more and more anxious about seeing him. Part of me wanted to beg him to come back to me and part of me just wanted to cry. I dont know what to think about how I feel. I am still so sad about y the loss of our relationship but I dont love him any less than I ever have. I have to fight the feeling I have to take care of him and I am to push myself to stay in my lane with him. 

I tell myself that he is not the man that I need in my life, I gave him so many years to show me that he was and he never showed me that man that I need. He never showed remorse for emotionally abandoning me and the kids and in true JF way when I asked him "what he had to say" he responded with "Africa is good, there is no stress there". He says that in front of the kids. So what message does that send to the kids. He does not say he is happy to be back he says the place where they are not is good. I really think he is just plain stupid sometimes and does not think about how his words will impact children. 

I asked him to talk tomorrow, face to face. I want to talk about his role in the kids life and what that looks like for him and what his life plans are because I feel like the kids need to know and well I want to know if he is planning on being here in this country or not. 

I found myself wanting to call D while I was feeling all this anxiousness. I dont often think of him in times of stress. I dont usually count him as part of my support system but in a perfect world I want him to remind me how JF has used me and taken advantage of me all the shitty things he has done to me. I want D to reinforce my resolve to not let JF railroad me again. I dont call D. D would be furious with me if he knew JF stayed here and I am not going to have that conversation. JF is family and family will always have a place to stay with me. I can't defend that to D, there is no reason to even make him aware of it. 

I do think about if D was living here what this reunion would look like. I would want JF to come in and spend sometime with the kids but I wonder what D would say and what the conversation would look like. My go to thought is it is my house and I will make the call but I know that in relationships there is a bit more give and take than that. Something I should think about for the future. 

Whatever will be will be

 I have been wanting to post for a few days but I have not been able to find the mental space away from the kids to collect my thoughts, but tonight is a good night. It is quiet in this house and I have found my way to my bedroom alone, took a shower, washed my hair and crawled into my bed to unload my mind. 

Side Note- I emphasis wash my hair because this is something JF would always teach me. When I was feeling stressed and miserable for no reason he would always ask me if I washed my hair. And most of the time I would say I got a shower but not wash my hair. My hair only need washing every 2-3 days. But he would always force this feeling of well being once I gave in and washed my hair before I needed to. His reason is that our head, particularly the top of our head is a place of divinity and where we receive our love from god into our spirt. So if our head was dirty then our spiritual connection would be block and therefor the melancholy I would feel. So 10 years of that my mind and body have jumped on board and now when I wash my hair I feel such a lightness and peaceful cleansing. It is just a nod to how people impact our lives in so many ways that we do not even realize. And to the point we need to be careful who we spend our time with. I know that now, maybe 10 years too late. 

FOB text me the other day. First to ask how I was and small talk and he shared he was moving to MD. I think I shared that last blog. He has such a weird relationship with his family that sponsored him to come here. He did not even tell him he was moving until 48 hours before he was leaving. That is kind of a dick move. He defiantly feels like they are out to get him. As I write that I am reminded he shared with me his mother has severe mental illness, shizophrenia I believe. I remember when he told me that and my first thought was "thank god I am not having kids with you". Looking back he has some of the weird behaviors I would see in the schizophrenic patients I use to work with. The believe that his family wants nothing but the worst for him, the secretive behavior and some other oddities. 

Anyhow he asked me if he could come visit me this week. Now I have been thinking about his dick hard core lately. I keep visualizing when he would spread my legs and get down on his knees and eat my pussy or how his dick would pulsate as he came. I had been contemplating seeing him again for this reason but I have been trying to keep my eye on the prize. The prize being committed to D and not having to lie to him about my activities. However when FOB asked to come visit me my instinct was Hell No. I did not say that right away I took some time to think about it, ask my friend about it, weight the pros and cons. I really did not want him in my house because I felt like maybe he would come and never leave. And I also felt like that was too intimate for what I wanted. My bedroom is my sanctuary and I did not want him there again. I told him that I did not think it would be a good idea and he accepted that answer and did not persist. However it took a lot of my strength to tell this man "no". I am not used to telling men no. I just give men what they want with little or no regard for what I want, sometimes I am not even sure if I know what I want. But this I knew and I was so proud of myself for recognizing what my instincts were telling me and for having the balls to say it out loud and disappoint him. 

I forgot to mention that his move in date for his new place got pushed by by 4 days and he sister told him he had to leave anyway so he was homeless for 4 days living in a motel. I dont know maybe he still is, I will not text him to ask. I can not take on that kind of unsteadiness in life. I think about if he had his life together I could have been with him. He had lots of good qualities and I did like him a lot but good lord you have to walk before you can run with me in life. I am not taking anymore men under my wing. 

JF still has not returned from Africa. My poor babies talk about their Dad a lot. We have bought him a Christmas present and made him pictures and I send him pictures. He usually does not respond. When he talks on the phone to the kids he tells them over and over how much he loves and misses them and I see glimpses of the man I once knew. He did try to fly back a few weeks ago but he tested positive for Covid. He has a flight for next week so we will see if the borders are open next week when he is due to fly. Maybe he will be back. I dont have the desire to hug him like I did. I had that desire to hug him for so long but it left me. Thank God. I dont hate him but I dont love him like I did... most to the time anyway. Occasionally I will feel nostalgic love for the good times we had and the people we created but he serves no purpose for good in my life now and I just need to let it go. I am well on my way of letting it go. 

Tonight I sat in the parking lot of the school while my son had basketball practice and watched all the white fathers bring their kids in. My kid is the only kid with any color on this team but the local white guy I used to see jumped to the forefront of my mind. All these white men looked alike and like him to me. They reminded me of the local guy gentleness and kindness. I feel like he deserve pussy just for being the nice guy. I actually have felt really bad for cutting him off. I just felt like it made me happy to make him happy. (Of course that is how I always feel)

There is this guy. I think I call him Mike. He got a whole name because all the initials. He is a nice guy that I met through a friend of a friend and we have good sex, he wears a condom, he has a big dick, he comes to my house at night. I have not heard from him in a good 3 weeks maybe more. I just left at that. He text me the other day to ask me if I forgot about him. I said "Not at all. You ask me to meet, I never ask you, that is how we roll". He said he loved that answer and asked to me. Like a gift from God my period is this week, any moment now. I tell him I will see him Thursday night but I might need to cancel if I get my period. I want to cancel because I want to be with D and D makes me feel amazing and I can wait for him. But I also dont want to lose touch with this guy and give up a good fuck mate, just in case I need one. I dont want to tell him I am not playing anymore. I am stressed. I feel like what I am going to do it tell him I got my period, either way and buy myself another week to make this call. It is momonumentally hard for me to tell a man no. 

And then there was D. D and I dont talk everyday. Not even every other day. Sometimes once a week, sometimes 3x a week, sometimes our conversation are so brief it is less than a minute and sometimes he chats me up for an hour. I feel comfortable in this space with this arrangement. For the first time ever I feel confident of our relationship even in our disconnection. This is something he has tried to explain to me for years that even though we were not in each others life on the daily it was no less binding and no less important and real. He called me tonight, as I was just pulling up to the driveway, and getting kids out of the car. I stand outside in the cold, smiling big as I listen to him talk about how to cook a turkey and what he did for Thanksgiving and my personal favorite (eye roll) him talking about how he thinks I should discipline my children. Its my own fault but he asked how the kids were and I said they are driving me nuts because they will not sleep in their own room. This is does not get. It is like beyond his scope of understanding that my kids are told to go their room and they continue to come in my room all night. They need me. And I know they miss their Dad and there are really big things happening in their little lives and they need me. And my whole purpose in being their parent is to love them, to protect them, to support them and give them what they need. Right now they seem to need to be on my ass 24/7 and I will continue to encourage them find their autonomy and enjoy their own space in their bed. He thinks this is crazy and we agree to disagree. The conversation with D and I is sweet and gentle and loving banter between two people who know each other very well. It was so satisfying. I like this place we are in. It is like my dream of what I wanted with him has finally be realized and I dont know if he changed or I finally just noticed that he was there all along. Or maybe a combination of both. 

He is still planning on moving in. He has a job lead that is taking sometime but it is a job that he wants and he is being patient on it. I am being patient with it too. He could move in tomorrow or he could move in 6 months from now or next year and it would all be ok. I am in no rush. Que Sera Sera - whatever will be will be. I am so at peace with it and feel so connected with him I am not worried about any of it. 

Thats an overarching theme of the last month or so. Peace deep down in my soul, I feel so much peaceful energy. I am physically feeling better than I was and I am just moving in the right direction in all areas of my life. It feels amazing. I always add this disclaimer when I talk positive like this. First I like to always say the good and the bad. When I look back I want to remember all the good feelings just as I want to learn from the bad. Secondly, I know that nothing last forever and this peaceful feeling will not be with me for ever so I am acknowledging to the universe that I love it and I want more of it. 

Giving Thanks

 Things are low key around my life. Very low key. I work, I parent, I watch TikToks that is about it. It occurred to me maybe I am depressed? I started to evaluate my thoughts and I thought my thoughts are not slated sad but really just even. I have not had the downs of sadness and loneliness but no excitement and thrill either. That moment of excited anticipation right before  a new lover enters your body or even touches you. I dont miss it but it concerns me that nothing is taking its place. Like where in my life am I going to find the thrill in life in general. What is going to give me the excitement and remind me about intensity and lust and all of that. It just seems like I have to have something.

I learned a few things from TikTok. The people on TikTok are disturbingly obsessed with their pussy. Holy shit I have never heard so much pussy pride and talk and songs and dancing. Good Lord. It frankly leaves me disturbed that people put that on the internet. And I am aware that I am someone who has porn home movies on the internet, but I dont represent that as anything but porn. It is what it is. You know when you log onto that website what you will see. But these pussy loving TikToks are so vulgar but mixed in right with comedy and cleaning hacks. Its off putting to me. And the children in the background listening and watching their parents sing "bring that dick here" and poppin their pussy to the sound of the beat. Oh good lord the children. 

I come to this kind of thing very slow to judge. I know that lots of traditional African dances are very body centric and ass-shakin and includes very sexual moves incorporated into the heart of the dance. I have watched a lot of these dances, via you tube, JF would always share his culture with me. There was this one dance where young girls, 13-16 would dance topless in a formal ceremony. This is not an old non practiced custom but a current one. It was not sexualized at all but it left me kind of speechless. In this country that would be child porngraphy but there it was the custom and no one gives a second thought. Is that the better way? I dont know. I am not sure one has to be better or worse  but just different. 

And some of the dances we do today defiantly get their starts from traditional dancing. So maybe this is just a cultural thing that I am not getting. I think it is some kind of pornagraphy cultural blend that leaves me questioning everything about socially  accepted dance moves and what I am ok with my kids seeing. It is just a lot for me. I am not sure that these women give any thought of how they are breaking their being down to being just pussy.  And there is another one where a women is sleeping and sees her man called and she missed the call and she is FaceTiming him and he is putting on gloves and a mask and she realizes he is about to come kill her or hurt her and she get more intense saying  "babe I did not hear my phone" then realizes he is coming for her and she starts screaming "lock the door, lock the door". WTF is this. Is this suppose to be funny? In what world are we living the people are mocking serious domestic violence. I just dont get it. 

This is why I try to pull myself out of this kinds of social media. More often then not I am disgusted with humanity. 

So I have been thinking about FOB so much. I have been processing what happened and how I feel about it. I do miss him, I did have some feelings for him but I knew as things kept progressing and getting more serious something was not feeling right. I could not put my finger on it then but I knew I needed to pump the brakes. I had zero faith that he would "make it" in the world and I could not have another JF in my life that needed taking care of. He said he was moving to Maryland, I wish him well. And I still miss him a little bit. 

In Thanksgiving blog tradition I need to take stock of the things that I am grateful for. Here are the top five, in no particular order

1. I am grateful beyond words that the slow moving gang bang is over! It was such a long time of new men and scary situations with little in the way of reward. I dont know why I had to do it but I was compelled to do so. I have no insight into why my mind and body needed that kind of treatment but Im done now and I thank god for it I made it out the other side healthy and intact. 

2. I am grateful for my relationship with D, for exactly what it is right now. It is low key and not intense and leaves me space to be me and lean on him some. It is has been exactly what I have needed to have someone but to still be in the space I can focus on me. 

Side Note - I told my Mom that I was with D again. She said she assumed so. She said my daughter told her a man had kissed me and spent the night and she assumed D, but that was FOB. I did not correct her. She seemed accepting but like she resigned herself to accept because there was no other choice. I did not feel any excitement from her or positive emotions. 

3. I am grateful for the help in my life. My parents, my friends, my ex husband. There are some really amazing people in my life that accept me for exactly how I am and help me when I need help. 

4. I am grateful for my life. I have managed to live and thrive in my one income household. I sacrifice so my kids can go to private school but we have a nice home in a nice neighborhood, money to get whatever we need and almost everything we want. 

5. And finally I am grateful for my ability to forgive and move on. I look at friends who get stuck in the harms of their old relationships that have suffered for years living a shadow of a life while the ruminate on how they were wronged. I do not have this problem. I forgive. I have forgiven D for the times he was not all the man I needed or wanted him to be. I have forgiven JF for his nonsense. I hold no negative emotions for my ex-husband. I have forgiven my parents for so many things. Forgiveness is a skill that I have learned. I see the personal growth on that one for sure. 20 years ago the anger would feaster and eat away at me but now I can let it go and keep focused on the good. 

Tomorrow I will be with family for the holiday. I told my sister there is no way I am coming unless I am high and I will bring and edible to keep the momentum going. I love my family but these long holiday events are a test for me. And I generally hate holidays so a little herbal lift will defiantly help. I am actually looking forward to it. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sick Day

 I laid awake in my bed trying to talk myself into cleaning my house before D came to visit. It was stressing me. My house is rarely dirty but it is frequently cluttered with all the nonsense of children. Sleep won out and I got up this morning resolved to the fact that he would see my house in this state of unrest because there  would be no time to pick up before he arrived. I woke up and took the kids to school in my pajamas. I got home sent an email to work letting them know I would be out sick today and set my email to vacation mode, I hopped in the shower and as soon as I stepped out he was there. I hear him putting in the code and the door opening. As I quickly throw on a long tight black tank top that just covers my ass and there he is. As I knew he would say something he first words were " what the hell happened in here" referring to the disarray my bedroom was in. I just shook my head and quickly put away the cheese curls and my blankie from my child in my night stand drawer. He has seen my blankie before but he thinks it is ridiculous and I would just like to save the chatter about it... same with the cheese curls. The were not even mine but he would have commentary. He also asked me why I have the curtains open, that everyone can see me walking around half naked. This makes me laugh. All the people that have seen me naked... does it matter. But it was kinda cute that he has this modesty. 

He starts to undress and I clear the bed of all the unnecessary blankets and such.I suck his dick which feels like a long time. I have no sense of time as his clothes are on my dresser blocking my clock and it just seemed like and eternity of dick sucking until he climbed on top of me keeping his dick in my mouth and sucked my clit. This is 9am in the morning and the fucking continues until 12 when I am so utterly wiped out I finally wave the white flag and declare I need food before I can go on. I go to get us food and we lay in bed him naked me in my tank top eating and chatting. I think the second I swallowed my last bite he had my mouth on his dick. I begged him to give me a minute to rest a second but he guided my mouth to his dick. We only fuck for another hour and then we sleep. I fall asleep quickly and he always does. He wakes me up five minutes before my alarm to pick up the kids goes off to fuck some more. At this point I am a little numb but he will be fucking me and all of a sudden I will feel it again and I will catch myself moaning. 

At some point during the fucking he makes me squirt while he is fucking me hard. As the wetness descends all over our bodies I feel the spray of it as he body slaps into mine. When we finish and lay there covered in all the body fluids I find it comforting that this type of biological closeness does not phase him. It is easy with him. I dont think about touching him, I just do. All the other men I think about where my hands are and I am always making sure that I am not touching them too much but how I enjoy not thinking about trying not to be to close. The wetness in the bed does not phase him or me and we fuck in the wet bed until we slept. 

He also made me take off my tank top. I feel comfortable in clothing when I fuck but nudity sometimes feels to vulnerable but he insists. He enjoys my body, the way he touches it reminds me that he is not thrown off by its size or stretch marks or the breasts that breast fed three babies. He tells me to get up and get my vibrator. I want this, I have not had the type of orgasm that comes from the vibrator in many weeks.  I feel him watching me as I walk across the room naked. 

When have this vibrator it is like dick does not exist. His dick in me is almost a nuisance and interferes with my orgasm, but I persist as I am determined to get my release. And I do and he feels the sharp intense contractions of my pussy while my eyes fill with the tears of ecstasy. And then I do again and again until my body just can not take it anymore. He loved it. Weary and lifeless as I try to recover from all the orgasms he is more motivated to fuck me and picks up his pace. I love this place of giving my body to him. I have no energy to fight him off and I want him to feel as good as I do so I give into him and let him take my body. His dick finds it way into my ass. He has gotten so much better at fucking my ass. He used to move into me like a impulsive child who could not temper his force but now he lets me relax on to him and lets me control the way things move and it is a much more satisfying adventure. He fucks my ass until he cums and leaves his semi hard dick inside of me for about 30 seconds until I feel it getting hard again and he fucks my ass all over again. 

As we were laying there today before we slept I ask him "are you really going to move with me" and he says yes and I feel like it is all a dream. Is this man I have wanted for so long really going to be in my bed with me every night. Will this fantasy I have of being with him really become my reality. It almost feels too good to be true. I maybe still dont believe it is really going to happen. 

As we get dressed, he talks about my fantasy to be fucked by the migrant workers in the field. He always brings this up. I open his mind to it is not just the migrant workers but it is groups of men working together that makes me want to avail myself to them. I do love a working man and I dont know what it is about a group of them but dear Lord it is an steady fantasy of mine. Someone we were talking about fucking delivery men and I told him the story about the deliver man I fucked before I met him. He asked me how we got that started but I could not explain. There was just such intense heat between us that I could not and he could not stop ourselves. It was like something straight out of a porno. 

He was in my driveway and I was getting into my car and like an after thought I said "can I get a hug" he comes towards me and I lean into him and breathe him into me. I love him and I am finally letting myself feel that again after shutting out those feelings for so long. 

He calls me about 5pm, I am sitting with the kids eating dinner. Its quickly apparent he has nothing to say. I am not sure why he called me. I want to reminisce about our day and I think he does too but he says are you sitting there with the kids and I confirm that I am awkwardly taking this call while my three kids hang on my every word. He say " ok then I will talk to you tomorrow". 

Out of the Blue

 Stillness was consuming me as I lay in my bed motionless. I was watching my show and out of no where I overwhelming sense of wanting a man to mount me and cum in me overtook my brain. It was instant. One second my body was calm and still and next it hungry and throbbing. It was all I could think of. The fantasy played out in my head. It was not even a particular man and it was not the intercourse that amused me. It was this feeling of a mnn coming inside of my body that I craved. The feeling was a little jarring as I did not know what prompted it and I did not know what to do with it. I thought about reaching out to someone to help me with this craving but it was late and logistically it would be difficult. I deal with my urges and go to sleep. 

The next day I feel it creeping back to me. This time it is not the man's seed that I want but I have a vision of myself naked on the bed and a fully dressed man stands beside me mercilessly finger fucking me until he makes me squirt and then he take he soaking wet hand and shakes it onto my naked body and leaves me .  These are very specific things that I want and they dont come from my body but my mind. There is the physical craving that is much like hunger and it about my cunt needed to feel stretched and attended to. But these desires were about the mental fuck more than the physical. 

Right on time D schedules to come down tomorrow, so there is no need for me to seek out dick like a malnourished child looking for food. I am excited to see him. I want the sex, it has been like three weeks for me so I know my body wants the sex but I want to be close to him. 

Part of me feels like I should clean the house and change the sheets and part of me is like fuck it, it is what it is. He knows my house is a mess sometimes and he knows sometimes it is not, but still I want him to see it clean. In my mind if it is clean he will see me as someone who can handle everything life throws at me but toys scattered around and clothes not put away will highlight that I am struggling some days. 

I look around my room and I feel so defeated. It would take me like 10 minutes to make it look nice but I am exhausted and my body aches and I devoid of any motivation to pick up the toys my daughter brings in here everyday so she can be right next to me at all times. 

Tonight was a particularly difficult night with my son. He had been doing really well the last 2months but he is starting to back slide and I am seeing some of his scary behaviors. It scary like I can't let him out of my sight because I think it is well within the realm of possibility for him to try to kill himself when he is upset. It is a gut wrenching feeling when you realize he has been quiet for too long and you dont know where he is. This child struggles and I struggle right a long with him. We are so close and yet I can't get to him to help him and help the issues he has. I know he has been missing his Dad. He keeps asking me if I marry D with D be his Dad? And he is now calling my ex-husband his step dad because he said he needs a Dad that is here all the time. And JF still in Africa never calls his kids and never makes any effort to keep their bond. I feel like he has just let them go. 

Jf was supposed to come back this week, but he said he tested positive for Covid, again. He had before and has been vaccinated but here he goes again. I think about his life and how utterly tragic his entire life has been and how these two healthy children are really the greatest blessings in his life and this piece of shit can't get out of his own way to be a father to them. 

So I am curious to see tomorrow how I feel if I am ravenous for the dick or if I just want to hold D. Remember last time I saw him I did not really want to be near him, We shall see what tomorrow brings. 

Peace

 I am not sure what changes in my brain that allows me to live so contently sometimes and other not at all. It has been maybe three weeks since I have seen anyone and I am more than ok with that. D was planning on coming Tuesday but I just got my period so that seems useless now. I kind of wanted him to come just to do something around the house for me vs the sex. It is way more satisfying to have my property needs met that my carnal needs at this current time. 

There are some urges here and there but they are so fleeting and so easily forgotten, not at all like the the pangs of hungry from the last year and half. In these times of contentment I do think about and replay the scenes of dirty sex when I was thirsty and driven for orgasm. Most of the time I shake my head to myself in awe of the absolute reckless abandon I operate with during these times. 

I have often thought of myself as bi-polar in a sense but my mania is never the classic symptoms of mania but just this sexual fixation. It is truly a different version of myself and I find it so unrecognizable sometimes. I stay to myself cautiously because I never know when I will be in need again and I dont want to alienate the men I have put some much time into curating. 

The local guy text me yesterday. I can not even make myself open the text. I can not even reply. I dont know what to say. We do not have a relationship where we talk about things. Our conversations have been 2-3 minutes tops while I get undressed and dressed to walk out. So it is not like we have that connection. And I just want to say I dont want to fuck right now but dont loose my number in case I am in the mood one night. And well that feels rude so I dont want to say that. 

In this time of quiet time I have had a lot of time for self reflection. First I realize I do not take care of myself. Just the basics, water, fruit, vegetables, exercise, rest. I just let it go and I was running on empty. So I have focused on doing things that make me feel well and healthy. My weight has been really on my mind. More so than usual. I am not sure if all this reflection is the cause of the fact the my body just does not feel as well as I used to. I feel a little bit old all of a sudden. And I wonder was all the sex keeping me feeling younger. All the orgasms maybe breathed life into my body making it smile from the inside out. 

JF continues to be a spot of sadness. His life is such a mess and it is killing me to watch it unravel before my eyes and do nothing. And to here my children talk about their Dad and how he is never around. It was a family night at the school the other night. It was an outdoor concert, lawn seating, and as I look around I felt slighted again that I was there by myself. Not that JF and I are not together but he was not here for this and for so many other things. 

I have been binge watching a favorite show of mine, Call the Midwife, a PBS production. I just watched an episode that was set in South Africa and there were some amazing scenes of groups of black men working digging a trench and the same fantasy I have always had creeps back to me. That part has not left me but the physical and mental drive to get the dick has vanished (for now at least). 

I was reminded of this movie I watched, a long time ago. 3 Needles. It was about the spread of HIV in Africa, China and US. There is a scene where a nun was raped by a local man who thought that having sex with a virgin would cure the illness. This was not the first time that a rape scene intrigued me but it was a very memorable one. There was something about the nun, so pure and pristine being defiled by this young black man that was - I dont want to say exciting because that is not quite it- but it was thrilling for me. This was back in 2006. I think this fantasy of mine will never leave me. 

I quite like the free time I have with out the search for dick but I am not sure how long this peace will last. 

Just a Picture

 15 years she has known who her father was and she has never inquired about him in anyway. Her Dad (my first ex husband) has been her rock and loved her unconditionally and without fail. But tonight in the peaceful silence of a rainy Friday night she matter of factly ask me if I could send her a pic of D. It was like I was coming out of a dream and I look at here and say "what"? She giggles and repeats herself. I play it cool and show no emotion because dealing with teenagers it is better to remain as unphased as possible. Inside I am exuberant and my heart is fluttering with this feeling of the circle completing. I really did fight to raise her exactly the way I wanted. I wanted her to always know who her biological father is and I wanted her to know that my ex was her Dad and that every choice we made in this matter was done in love and with the utmost concern for her welling being. Tonight it felt that I have accomplished what I was hoping for, and while it may only be her desire to see his face again it felt like so much more to me. It signifies that I did what I knew was right and all the sacrifice and arguing and all the carefully planned conversation and exposure to him was not in vain. It has all mattered. 

As I go through my phone and send her a recent pic of her and D together, which I would love to share here but for obvious reasons I won't. I sit and look at his face. I zoom on his face, his beautiful face and I look at his strong hands. I feel so in love with him in this moment. He is not everything I have been dreaming of...he is not a perfect man. He is hot and cold with his love and he is his own way in this world but I can not help but to feel nothing but love when I look at him. I am not a perfect woman and where ever our relationship ends up it will not be perfect but I know my heart aches to be with him and it has felt that ache for 20 years. 

In that department, things are as they were. The plans are still in place for him to move with me as soon as he gets things settled. He has some work todo in that department. I am not in a hurry. I am peacefully content with the articulation of desire to be with me even without any moves in that direction yet. I know he means what he says and he does not play lip service for any reason. I like that about him. 

I still try to imagine him in my house, in my bedroom. Everytime I get undressed at the end of the night I think about if I would undress in the closet or bathroom or would I be comfortable taking my clothes off while he lies there and watches me.Would I want to brush my teeth in front of him? What does he like to eat? Is he going to eat what I cook? How will sex happen in a living in situation? How will he touch me when I have my period? My kids and I sing a lot in the house. Right now it is the Golden Girls Theme song, Mr. Sandman by the Cordettes and Ice Ice Baby. It is fun. Someone starts us off and then we sing loudly and poorly and we all have fun. I feel like he will see me in a way that he has not seen me before. He will see me as a mother, and someone other than his lover and see the other areas of my life. 

I am not in a hurry. I want to be with him and I want him to be in my home but I know that we have somethings to sort out and I am for the first time ever in my life no rushing to get the gratification but rather taking peaceful, measured, and gentle steps toward the gratification. 

I am not even sure if I have wrote about my time with the neighbor last week. It was lovely. His dick like bounced our of his shorts and I was stunned all over again about its size. It is a beautiful cock. I can't say a bad thing about it. Our sex is good. There is not heat between us, there never is. It is just two people playing with each others bodies. He did cum in my mouth, it was not as bad as I expected. While I was in the bathroom rinsing my mouth out, he slide behind me naked and like brushed up against me. It felt like a little to close for comfort for me. Is he so comfortable now that it is ok to brush up against me like that. It threw me off a little bit. 

And I did have sex with Mike. He is the easy no touch fuck I like. That was last thursday and I have not really even thought about sex. It has just not been in my mind. I feel like the manic fuck train has been derailed. I feel like I am in a different mental space. I certainly still like sex but I dont have the manic craving that makes me make bad choices for myself guiding my life. I feel more in control, right now, I am so aware that these moods with ebb and flow and it will take nothing for me to get into that place of crazy desire and frantic need for dick. 

I have quite enjoyed a little bit a freedom. I am just resting and taking care of my self. It has been healing and really peaceful. 

I was holding the phone for my little one while she talked to her Dad on the phone. I look at him, shirtless, laying in bed, looking very African. I saw him in such a different light tonight. He just did not feel like my equal anymore. It feel like our differences were so magnified in this conversation. He just seemed to me like a foreigner which is something I never saw him as. Tonight his language was not familiar to me, his face even was not as I remembered it. I felt like it was a mindfuck that I had two children with his stranger on this phone. He and I created people that blended our DNA and it can never be undone. We are forever bonded in this way and yet I feel like we are worlds apart. I dont even remember the connection so much anymore. In spite of all those feelings there was some pangs of love that invade through my chest. I feel it in my body that I love him and I feel it in my head that I do not want him. 

I really dont have any plans to have sex right now. I dont know what the week will bring. I dont feel like going out of my way to find anything and there is just no desire. I am curious to see what November brings me in the way of hormones and mania. 

The Way We Were

 The playtime pause has not been hard for me. I have not missed the going out, I have not missed meeting people, I have not missed the mindless texting just to get some dick. None of it. I really don't miss talking about sex with people agreeing on what the boundaries or rules of the encounter were and other nonsense. Frankly I have enjoyed the free time and the uncomplicated life. It just feels easier but there is one little issue. My body physically needs some relief. I am so tense and full of negative energy that I know is relieved with orgasm. I have used this metaphor before but it is like the clicking of the roller coaster and as it climbs to the peak the tension gets stronger and stronger. I just want the physical release. 

This reassures me. I worry about there being something about meeting these people that I might miss, that I might get some weird satisfaction from the activity involved with getting dick. But no! I really am steadfast that I dont really even like these men. Some are nice enough but I got too much todo in my regular life to give a flying rats ass about some guy with a big dick but my body needs that dick. It just clears my head. I have tried to get that head clearing with the edibles but its different. 

Sometimes I think about the physicality of sex. I dont even like the foreplay I just like the intercourse that makes me feel so fucking good. And there are of course times I dont want sex but my body just pushes me to keep doing it. 

So to that end I think I am going to fuck the neighbor on Monday. I mean that is the plan. I dont feel guilty about it and I dont feel like it is a failure. This is a calculated risk with risk vs benefit analysis completed in my my mind long before I made the call to him. I am willing to give myself to D and be loyal to him as long as he can meet my needs. Right now he can't, and so I will take care of it myself. When is able he will take care of me and I will enjoy my freedom from the monkey on back that is this unending need for sex. 

I have been thinking a lot about JF lately. I so badly want him to be the man in my life and for us to raise these children together. I dont know what magic would need to happen to make him the man he used to be and for me to be in the same place but I just want our magical relationship back. We would spend so much time together and just enjoy each others company. I looked to him for emotional support and he would hold me up. We would pray together we would talk about lots of spiritual things, he brought me into his spiritual world and we found peace there. He called the kids the other day. I did not speak with him, I just put the kids on the phone. I dont think he wants to talk to me and he certainly does not make me feel like he shares the same desires as I do. I gave a lot of thought about this topic. Between JF and D which way do I throw my intentions and my energy. I love them both so much. But I know what JF's baseline is, or what it has been for the last few years and it is not something I can tolerate. His behavior in the last year as been unforgivable I think. I dont think you can come back from that. D has yet to show me where we would land in a more present relationship. Will he meet my emotional needs, I think he would based on our interactions in the last 20 years but it is a gamble. 

This is so random but the other day I went to a drum circle (a native american thing) and the leader told this story about a woman whose husband went to war and when she heard that he was coming back she made all of his favorite foods but when he came back he would not come in the house and be with her and he would not eat the food. She went to the shaman and he told her he was going to make a potion to help her with her husband. She would need to get a eyelash of a tiger to complete the potion. The woman went on a trek to collect the eyelash of a tiger. She climbed the mountain, her  hands bleeding from gripping the side of the mountain, to find the tiger. She searched for a tiger walking through thorns and tearing her dress and cutting her body, but she did not retreat. She spent many days searching for a tiger until she found one. And then for many days she offered the tiger food and little by little she got closer and closer to the tiger until she was brave enough to get close enough to the tiger and she spoke to him and asked him for an eyelash. The tiger gave her the eyelash and she went back to the shaman. Her body was bloody and bruised she was tired and weary but she happily went to the shaman to show him how she persevered and got the eyelash. The shaman looks at that eyelash and throws it in the fire. He tells the woman that all the effort and suffering that she went through to get the eyelash - that if she put that effort and suffering into her relationship with her husband that she would succed in regaining the relationship with her husband again.  

This story haunts me. I really did not do it justice as the storyteller was very good and illustrating the ideas. What if I did not put the effort or suffering into the relationship that I valued? What is the level of maximum effort that I should expel? Sometimes I think about it and I think I did not do all that I could. I know JF well enough to know that he is tried but did I put into consideration the demons that he was dealing with? I am not sure if I treated him with unconditional love. I am dont know if I "held him down" while he was and is clearly going through something. I remember telling him so clearly that " I can not live like this, that I was unhappy and something has to change" so many times. He would try, he would but it is like he just gave up. I just dont know if I did everything I could. A year and half ago I would say that I did but in this new state of self reflection and still missing him I wonder if I could have put him first for just a little bit longer. 

My head tells me that I did all I could but my heart is pulling at my mind and trying to convince me otherwise. It is such a mind fuck. 

With my first marriage I knew it was time and I never once looked back. I never thought that I had not done enough, I was happy to be out of the relationship. And I was happy when things ended with JF at first but christ it is hard to shake this desire just to have things back the way they were. 

Playtime Pause

 In this last few weeks I have really drawn on my role as a mother to help me satisfy my extra time and my  need to feel wanted. It is a different kind of desire sure but these children need so much of me and are still so young that they want to be with me every moment of every day, at least 2 out of 3 do. So I feel better about my mothering and I dont have that perpetual guilt that I feel every single time I walk out the door to get dick. And I dont have to drive home and worry if they needed me and I was not there for them. I dont miss that part at all. That guilt as a mother that I just may have brought children into this world and I was not there for a moment they needed me weighs me down. Sure I am away from them sometimes while they are at school or a visit to my Moms of my exes but those arYe worthy and feel justifiable. I always think about if something happened to them while I was out fucking how would I ever forgive myself. The head games is deep. You think about all these guilts and fears that would haunt my mind the urge was still large enough to go do what I do. 

I get different responses from men as I break the news that I am going to "just pause" on playing for a minute. Some men are supportive. They tell me that they wish me luck and we leave it that. Then there are the ones that only see what they want out of it all, the one more time, the I am not fun anymore, the  you won't make it, he is using you, this is not going to work slips from their tongues. I think what makes some of them mad is that I would not give up all the other dick for them. And also what makes me mad is that they play on my mind and my weaknesses to try to get me to comply. And what would it all mean for them? It would be a quick fuck but for me it would be willing messing up something I am excited to try at and yet they continue. The stakes are high for me. There is something so aggravating about the callousness to not even acknowledge a human being trying to achieve something on a personal level. 

I think about my dealing with the neighbor. I think he saw me as that aggressor, that I did not care about his choice to make his marriage work. It was not that, it was he was giving me too many mixed signals. So I inadvertly may have become the one who tried to foil his plan. 

JF refuses to speak to me about money at this point. He just ignores me unless I am talking about the kids. Money has been tight and I have been carrying everything for a year and it has been making things difficult. I dont know if he even sees that. I think he is only thinking of his own survival and can't not think of his children well being. I am still want him to suffer. This unfamiliar feeling of wanting this man I love to suffer is sad to me. It is sad this is where it has got to. I have this fantasy of him coming back and me walking up to him and giving him a hug and him hugging me back. And we just have this emotional closure I am looking for with him. I just need to hug him. I dont know if I want to see if my body still reacts to him, which I know I still look at him and find him attractive , but does he like give m butterflies and make me smile. I think that ship sailed but I want to know for sure. 

Work has been difficult for me the last few weeks. There are always things that need to be done that require too much of my effort. I have been feeling really bitchy with people and lost a little bit of my people skills. For example I can totally see myself calling someone stupid on the phone soon. I have to keep that part of myself done all day. 

I think that lack of sex is partly to blame. I though about masturbating today but I lost interest. I need some kind of satisfaction soon. D better bring it soon. I am not sure how long the urges will be able to be  qwelled. 

I guess I am really doing this

 D called me today. He asked me why I have not called him. I have been feeling the desire to call him but I still feel lots of butterflies when I call him and I don't know what to talk about sometimes and I get nervous. He asked me if I have my period, which I do, and I use that as the reason I have not called him. 

We talk a little bit about my having sex with other people. And he says to me again in a very matter of fact way "you have always been like that, you just want whatever it is you want". I smile with just a little bit of shame because I know it is true. Although I still feel like isn't this what everyone wants? 

We talk about how he did not give me clear commitment and without a clear long term commitment then I have no reason not to give into my urges. With commitment I can be ok. Without commitment and without regular physical contact I am lost in the urges, there is no anchor and I flow with them, where ever they take me. 

We reaffirm our intentions of him coming to live with me and I reaffirm with him that I will not have sex with other people. That is my intention. I don't know if I will make it. I don't know if I have the self control that I am hoping I do. I did have it with JF for years but he was meeting my needs. When D moves in I will not have the physical urges and it should be easier. It is this in between time that I worry about. 

Sustainability

 My life has been really dull these last week or so. I have not had a desire for the dick and frankly I was having trouble even imagining what sex would feel like and what happens with me that I allow all types of men to touch my body, to enter my body. I invite in to my room, I give them time, I tolerate them just for their dicks. It is so foreign  to me have no desire for that after it has been so pervasive for so long. 

Self and physical care have been a priority to me. I struggle with fatigue and I have been really taken this time to do things that are good for me. Resting, exercising, drinking water, taking vitamins. My life really lacks interest.  It really feels like I need a passion in life if I dont have sex. You know something that excites me other than sex. I dont know what it could be. Writing and sex have been the only two things that really ever held my interest. I think about writing more. There is a certain mood I get in when I like they way I write. It this really clear place where thoughts flow and words come to me easily. Sometimes I think about trying to do some freelance writing and see where that leads me. But when I try to write about anything that does not feel passionate to me I struggle. So where does that leave me? Passionless. This I know is not a new theme for me. I am desperate to throw my energy into something other than sex. I think about if D and I are together and sex becomes something I no longer need to invest time in what would I do with my time? My energy saved would allow me to explore something completely different. 

JF has not spoke to his children in weeks. I dont think more than 1x in the month of September. I am starting to get less upset about him and allowing the chips fall where they may. I want so badly for those children to have their Dad but that man will have to live with his choices and explain to his children where he has been and why he could not be there for them. They are talking a lot about him again. They miss him terribly. I hope one day he will feel the pain he has caused them and me. I want him to hurt the way we have hurt. It is the first time I have felt that kind of ill will toward him but it is strong. 

I woke up this morning feeling angry. Why the hell am I waking up angry? I literally thought to myself that maybe it is the lack of sex and building of tension. My mind may not want it but my body still has needs. I think that lack of stress relief has begun to take its toll on me. I took a damm edible at 9am today to take the edge off while I spent the day at an amusement park with the kids. 

So tonight as I sit in the living room with the kids, I decide to get pizza for dinner. I choose a local place where a man with a thick Italian accent answers the phone. I go to pick up the pizza and I am hit with there is only white people around here. It is the next town over and it is just all white people. White people make me uncomfortable, particularly these Trump supporting areas white people. My children were not with me and for a moment I thought "ok well they think I am just like them" because I did not have my children with me. It was just really uncomfortable. But as I stood there waiting for my order I looked around. There were 7 Italian men there working. The youngest was probably in his 20's and there were some older men there maybe late 50s early 60s. They were speaking Italian and well that is my weak spot, and immigrant with and accent and speaking in their native language. It was like it stirred my body and as I stood there I have flashes of these men with rock hard dicks with veins popping out and they fuck me in the back with olympic style fucking. I never fantasize about anything else really, just really the intercourse. He called my name and I left finally feeling a sexual desire pumping through my veins. And of course I start thinking about who I can call and then I realize I have my period and that limits things quite a bit. But it was good to have a sexual feeling back. 

On the way home I was thinking about fucking FOB. He was a good fuck. I keep flashing back to the moment he got on his knees and spread my legs to eat my pussy. It was something about him getting on his knees in front of me when this is usually the position I am in, it is an image that is burned into my mind. Frankly having sex with him feels like it would be more trouble than it would be worth. He will have feelings and all of that and I dont have the time for that. 

I did see a news story in NJ recently that has made me think twice about my behavior. A young black man was sentenced for killing three women he lured him with the promise of sex. I imagine serial killlers as white men and part of that was me feeling safe with black men. Not completely safe, but safer than I feel with white men. That news story was a reminder that anything can happen. I think that I lost sight of that for awhile. I think I am going to be able to operate is a little bit more controlled way than I have. Or I least I hope so. The last year of my life is unsustainable. 

Time on My Hands

 I have been in a weird place these last few days. I have had no interest in sex at all. I have been letting myself fall wholly into domestic boredom. I have not been really answering texts and I have been allowing myself to feel all the feelings that come with not fucking anyone. This is not really in preparation for D or even out of respect for D but my conversation with D last week opened my eyes that maybe there is another way. D talked about how I do not put faith into him. He identified a lot of examples of this but most poignant perhaps was how I never put the faith and effort into my relationship with him because I was not willing to sacrifice during those times when he could not physically be with me and I would not put my energies into seeing him. He was not wrong but these were deep thoughts for D. He has had me thinking that he does not think about things this deeply. 

Overall I have noticed that I have had a lot of extra time. A lot. Tonight I felt myself walking around in circles looking for something to do. My work was done, my house was clean, I had already taken a walk. I was lost. In these moments I really had a craving to see the local guy. I did not want the dick I just wanted the entertainment and an orgasm could not have hurt anything. I had the time and energy but I ended up taking a drive just to get some alone time. 

I think in this last year and half or so I have really but too much effort into team building and did not recognize when the bench was full. I know a lot of men with lots of great skills and I really dont think the holy grail is out there and if it is I am doubtful that it will be on a dating site. 

So today I am content and nothing to do with D, like I said, that may or may not work out but it has opened my eyes just a little bit and I am grateful for that. 

FOB finally stopped asking me to ship packages to my house after I told him to get a post office box. His response was he changed the address to where he is living and "whatever happens, happens", um like some how that is my problem. He really is a man that lacks the dominance I find so attractive. More than dominance he seems to have this way of trying to manipulate me which is so inept that it is laughable. I enjoy the time I have when he does not text me. I am glad that is over. 

I am not planning to restricting myself, as the spirit moves me I will be accepting dick but I am making an effort to put less effort into it and really focus on dick when I need it. Or at least I will try to...

Stupid Servitude

 Today was a difficult day. First let me announce that is totally that week of the month that before my period when I feel like a total bitch. 

B, this guy who is the whitest black guy I ever met and is really good at spanking me. He wanted to come by today. I told him no but he kept on pushing it. I was firm. Not for nothing but the last two times he came over his dick was not working well and I was willing to give it another go but now it just seems not worth it to me. I felt set in my commitment to start behaving in a way reflect my desire to be with D. His persistent text started to annoy me and started to make me feel really used. That is weird to me because I have never felt used in a bad way but his persistence was making me feel like he only cared about what he wanted. And I hear it as I read this in my head, that sounds like me. My behavior consistently makes allowances for only what I wanted. 

Side Note - Now growing up my Mom waited on my Dad. My sister and I used to talk about how we would never do that for a man. It was so annoying. Just during dinner she would get up and get him everything he could possibly want. And he was an asshole to her most of the time, complaining about the littlest shit. I swore I would never cater to a man in that way. This promise I made to myself as a young child has stuck with me and I am reminded of it every time I do anything nice for a man. For example, even doing JF laundry makes me feel a little bit like I am doing to much for him. I like doing laundry and it does not take much time but it feels like such a act of servitude. Cooking for a man also HARD for me to do. I have thoughts about feeling to submissive as I am doing it. JF used to ask me just to make him some rice for when he gets home and that would piss me off and I would need to talk myself into it. So in some ways I can see the phrase that people use that I get what I want because sometimes giving them what they want feels like a deep sacrifice of my self-respect. Of course this is all in reference to my regular life, not my sex life. In sex I enjoy the penetrating feelings of submission and servitude. 

I managed to fend B off today than there was another text. Im not sure I even talked about this guy, maybe I did. He came to quick but he wanted to make plans for tomorrow. I politely told him I was not going to play, at least for right now. 

Then this other guy text me. Now this guy, I like his dick. It is big and he likes to just come over and fuck, he wears a condom, and it is just easy. I was not able to pause my play with him. He wants to come over at 1030 and I love my sleep so that is a heavy lift for me. I tried to make more convenient  plans for Saturday, but our schedules would not work. He actually wanted me to meet him at 2am on Saturday night. I was pissed off he even asked me that. I felt like asking him if he is stupid. Does he really think I am coming out at 2am for a 20 minute fuck. A gang bang maybe, but nothing good happens in the world after midnight. There is not reason for it. I go back and forth with him. I struggle to say no even though I dont really want to. I just want to take my Ambien and go to sleep. I dont want to continue to be his fuck toy that he thinks he can ask to come out at 2am after he goes out for the night. And does not want to me to come to his house on a Saturday morning because morning sex does not sound sexy to him (he actually said that). I confirmed with him. And now I want to cancel but I guess I won't. I am just fucking mentally exhausted for all the thoughts I am having but in the back of my mind all I can think of is I better get this dick before I get my period. I dont know when D will be back down, maybe next week, but very likely I will not see him for the next two weeks. Its not that I want this man I just need his dick for a few minutes. 

I called D today. I did not want to talk really but he made mention of me not even calling him and I thought he will never say that shit to me again. I will call his ass every day if I need to. I do think my recent withdrawal from him and my coldness did wake him up a little bit. It is like he finally stopped taking for granted that I will be there every time. 

My mind literally is occupied with the thoughts of D. I just day dream about his dick now. I feel a little bit of ownership of it all of a sudden and I am sitting with this feeling of possibly being able to have this dick whenever I want. 

FOB text me last night right after my post. He had said that he was ok with us still talking and being friends but he added that there could not be any "intamacy" between us. Now this is a statement that he made because he thought it would have me begging to have him back. I told him I thought that it was a good decision because he needed to focus on getting his life together. He is stupid. Why would you not want to have sex sometimes? Seriously, good luck to him finding another women willing to fuck him raw in a fucking parking lot because he does not have a place of his own. I will miss fucking him. I did like the way he fucked me. If his dick was like a inch longer it would have been perfect. I did love when he came I could feel his dick pulsating inside of me. I am sure I will be fucking him again before too long. He does seem to have more intense feelings. I mean compared to him I look like a damm sociopath. He gets to wrapped up in the feelings, just give me the dick and let it be. 

So maybe you are confused, because I know I did say I wanted to stop and really be respectful to D. And I do, but Rome was not built in a day people and this submissive whore on her extended slow moving gang bang will not be turned into a faithful girlfriend overnight. There will be lapses in judgement, there will be mistakes made, there will be dick had. 

Fuck 'Em!

 I literally spent every free second of my day thinking about what it will be like to have D fuck me everyday. I get lost in this idea of being sexually satisfied all the time. I just keep thinking about the play by play of how he will wake me up with his dick, how he will put me to sleep fucking me, how he will ask me to come upstairs in the middle of the day. Monday was the first time he acknowledged that I will not want to have sex everyday, he did not say it in the usual asshole way he usually does but just as a fact that he knows. I can't imagine turning him down for sex. I am not sure that I could do that. I can tell him I have had enough now after he has been fucking me for hours and my pussy is sore and fucking would just mean a whole lot of not good pain. However if we had not fucked that day I dont know if I would be able to tell him no. I know there will be times that I will not want to be touched but to say no feels like such a line in the sand. If I wanted some dick and it was right there next to me and he said no I would feel bad about it. I  really dont say no often to anyone. JF and I I think maybe 3 times I said no, if that. My whole life it has always been about getting dick so I never turn it down. 

I walk around my house and think about what this moment would be like if D was here. As I sit in my bed and type this I think about if he was next to me would I be able to write? Would he let me have this outlet unchecked by him. Would he even be curious to know what it is I am typing so much of? 

Now no one said he is moving in tomorrow. Maybe it will not happen or maybe it will happen faster than I think. I dont know. It is just the first time in 20 years that we are talking about making moves to be together. It is exciting and I am reveling in the that excitement a little bit. I am cautiously optimistic. In my head I hear the jeers of the blog reading community that maybe see D as a bit of an asshole. I know this. I mean I know his asshole tendencies well, but there is something about him that does pull me towards him. I do believe he is my person and for all reasons that I should not move forward with him there is the one overshadowing one of I love him and I feel like it is worth taking a chance. 

So the texts come in, all the men who I have built relationships with and cultivated our time together to be something that I found fulfilling are texting me to set up another time to see me. A couple things come to mind as I see these texts roll in. 

1. I dont want to let them go. I just want to hit pause and keep people just within reach just in case I need them. 

2. Even though they give me physical pleasure there is a LOT of time and effort that goes into all of it. The benefit does not always outweigh the price I pay. Playtime cost me my very precious time, my energy, I have to drive there, I have to worry about condoms and stds and deal with limp dicks and men who cum to fast. On some level the thought of giving up my team makes me feel like I can exhale and forget all about the mono-initialed dicks that have given me some fleeting pleasure and just do something else with my life. 

3. It is a reminder to me about how little some of these men care about me. That they use me as their free prostitute and call me when the spirit moves them. I realize that is what I do, but I dont like it when I realize they are doing the same thing with me.

4. Fuck em! Im a little bit over it all. Fuck them canceling on me or worse ghosting me. Fuck them not having the common sense to wear a condom. Fuck them not calling me and making me wonder if I was good enough or not. Fuck them for all the stupid things they have said that I have politely smiled away. Fuck them and their limp dicks and poor excuses for fucking. Fuck them for just cheating on their wives and girlfriends. Fuck them for sending dick pics that clearly over represent the size of their dicks. Fuck them for not walking me out. Fuck them for not making me cum. 

I thought about FOB today. I want to talk with him, but I am not going to do that. I dont know what I want to talk about. I just miss him a little bit and I want him to be happy. I think me calling him or texting him will make things worse for him. He does not seems to be able to draw the line of having friends. I did think it was odd he did not seem to have any close friends. When I ask him who he talks to about things he would say he only talks to me. That concerns me, why does he have no friends? I like the idea that I was the first white woman he was with. I know that he will remember me and that makes me happy. The whole situation with FOB I feel like was my fault, I got too caught up in feeling loved and just went with it blindly with out thinking. I feel bad about that, I should have kept some more boundaries in that relationship than I did. 

And just because I feel like I have not talked about him in awhile, JF, still in Africa and has not called the kids in like 2 weeks. He does not say when he is coming back and he still owes me a shitload of money. 

Who comes first?

Yesterday I was miserable. I was just a little out of sorts after two full days alone with the kids with no distractions is a lot some days. I was just feeling like a bitch. I had made tentative plans with a new man but I was not sure I needed to be around any one. I was really back and forth with him and then finally in the last minute I decided to go out. I frankly just needed to get out of the house and away from the kids and it would not hurt to get some dick. Who knows right... it might be good. 

I head out and listen to my hype songs in the car. I come in and things begin. There is oral and there is some squirting when he if fingering me. I thought to myself "this is a man who knows his way around a woman's body". His dick was not huge but it he made it work and he made me feel very comfortable in his company. We had good sex and he wore a condom, nothing out of the ordinary. Afterwards he brings me a warm wash cloth and a towel and I thought to myself what a lovely thing, very thoughtful. He hopped in the shower and I left feeling pretty good with a little pep in my step. I drove home and reentered my house with a little more patient and a little bit refreshed. 

D had plans to come Monday. I took the day off of work to spend time with him. It begins as it always does and the tears stream down the side of my face and he enters my body. Part of me wonders what keeps things so fresh between us and why is it so good every time. Hundreds of times he has fucked me and he always pleases my body.

I was feeling so bold today. I am in a place in my life where I dont want to live in ambiguity so as we lay naked together I look him in the eye and ask him if we are going to be together or not. Now I just dont know where this conversation went left but it sure did. Before I know it he was asking me if I had been fucking someone else. I swear to God I just knew I was caught. At first as he looked me in my eye and asked me I said nothing I just looked at him in silence. He pressed on, I became fidgety and uncomfortable and I said "I has sex with one guy, a local guy". He did not get mad like I thought he would. In fact he slid down in the bed and pushed his semi hard dick in to my pussy and kept fucking me. We talked more. He talked about how he wanted to or "his intention" was to move down here and be with me. He felt like I dissed him the other day when he talked about that and I did not jump with excitement. There was a lot of conversation today. He asked me how many men I slept with. Why would he ask me that... what is hoping to glean from that kind of information, he berates me and and I tell him 93. He laughs and says we both know 93 is not the number, but I added 93 is when I stopped counting. He corrects me and says that is when I lost count... The truth is I really lost count about 225. He brought up the thing that irritated him, he did not like when I was playing with those women back and the day and how he get mad when I masturbate with out him. There was lot of conversation, I did not not want to talk  but I wanted to connect with him him. I just wanted him to say "I love you", and when I said do you love me he said "I'm not saying it now since you have just had another mans dick in your mouth"!

Where we left it was it is out intention for him to move into my house with me after he gets his financial issues under control. I say that knowing the actual chances of that happening seem to be slim. I just want to move slow and intentionally just to try to mitigate the chance of failure.

I broke up with FOB again, I dont think he is taking it well. It is not that I dont like him but I dont know what I want and the shit with D , if that is really happening then I need to end it with FOB. I would need to end it with everyone. 

I am 80% I am ok with that. I dont enjoy the constant search of good dick and it takes a lot of my time. If I can just take out all the activities I do to curate a dick team then it frees up a lot of free time. In my perfect world I would keep a few big dicks on staff to sit around the sex room and wait for me to come be ravaged by them. 20% of me worries that there is something I am getting from these activities that I dont relieaze I was fine with no extra activities  with JF. I really was. And then I was fine with just D and JF. The slow moving gang bang of the last two years might need to come to a close. 

I think about all the pros that come with D living with me.

1. Access to dick all the time, this mean never feeling in heat with out satisfaction of big good dick

2. A man to hold me when I need it, when I want to be close to a man and have him hold me he will be there.

3. A feeling of stability of not having to meet and search for new people and put myself at risk for all kinds of things that comes with meeting men for sex and all the free time. Like I will need a hobby. 

There are cons too

1. Sharing a house with a man, and it is not just him it is a man in general. He is a very neat person so I dont anticipate that being a problem. 

2. I need to dismantle my team. I have poured a lot of energy into finding these men but D is really clear he needs it to be me and him. Having said that, if I have a fantasy I know  he is willing to make me happy. 

3. Fear of this not working out. This is a big step and there is lots of fear that comes with it. Fear of every bad outcome you can think of. 

I dont know if it will happen but this is the closest we have every come to real commitment to one another. I think I am ok with giving up the team but I do worry about that. Do these mindless sex acts leave me with a sense of peace and distraction that I need? Is it just sex? I know it is not about the men  but what is it that drives me to see them when I dont even want sex. Why do I sometimes feel obligated to fuck them even when I dont feel like it and I dont even feel particularly attracted to them? 

Another side note. D said to me "whatever [my name] wants, [my name] gets". This stunned me a bit and made me stop going back and fourth with him. I just let him go talking about how I can not keep my legs closed while he was not able to come see me and how I wanted to fuck women and I went and did that. I personally did not see anything wrong with what I did. I wanted to fuck women so I tried it and I wanted dick and he did not commit to me so I went out and got me some dick. What is wrong with that? 

Well evidently there is a lot wrong with the way I behave. All the big relationships in my life people have said this EXACT phrase to me. When he said it, I was like not you too. My mom used to say this to me and frankly still does sometimes. My first husband used to say this to me when we were together. JF said this to me often. FOB said it to me. How can all of these people say the exact same thing to me, where they all experiencing the same thing? It is mind boggling to me. 

I talked to my friend about it, and she was surprised, which relieved me some. She says that I know what I want and I do not make excuses for knowing what I want and going to get it. I am also very clear with people. I am communicate in a way that I want others to communicate with me. I try to be as honest and as clear as I can be. Sometimes that makes for hard conversations but people generally know where they stand with me. I won't leave people in limbo. If I love you then you will know and when you hurt me you will know. I actively make a choice to push myself to have uncomfortable conversations with the goal of mutual understanding. I advocate for my needs in a relationship. I think of others but I do put myself first. Isn't that what you are supposed to do? If I dont take care of myself then who will? Why is everyone hating to me for self-care and self-preservation? 

"Your always in a mood"

 FOB and I are in the push / pull type of situation. In summary FOB appears to be lots of things that I want. He is ok with me have my dick and he is educated, polite and well mannered. He seems to be hard working but I am cautious. I dont have a deep feeling of wanting to "be" with him like I had with JF or my first husband or even D. I am trying to maintain boundaries in our relationship so I can get to know him with out moving into a false sense of love too fast. I am being very mindful of each step I take. I want so much to have found a man I can share my life with but there is a part of me that hold back. We were talking last night and I said something very dominate and he said " I thought you were submissive" and I replied with a man who allows me to feel submissive. He deduced that it was not him and he said to me "so I dont make you feel submissive". I quipped back "Not at all". At first I think it is easy to say because he is in a place of dependence on others that he lost some of him dominance, but that is not it. D has been a broke mother fucker for the last 20 years and has always depended on people but it never took away his natural dominance. If I were to compare D is like the lion, strong and bold without any account for his shortcoming. FOB is like the antelope, looks good but will be eaten by the lion if he does not watch himself. JF I would compare him to a monkey, strong in his own right but smart enough to know to stay out of the lions way, always plotting and planning. I have been watching a lot of animal documentaries with the kids lately, I can relate anything to my sex life. 

So back to the push /pull he pulls me in and then he acts like a bitch and pushes me away. He gets so moody and child like and passive aggressive and just like a bitch. And other times he is a man that I like. I did not know know I was feeling so strongly about that until those words just came out. Part of me thinks I should just break up with him and stop seeing him completely, but I like him. I like to be with him. I like hanging out with him and frankly I think that his place in life it just so difficult in life right now that it clouds he behavior. 

I was talking with the Jamaican guy the other day and he has immigration issues and for the record I would marry him if he asked me to help him resolve his problems. It would be an easy choice for me because I love him and I will never forget how much he helped me in life. Sometimes I think about once my kids will be older that I will just hang out with all these glorious men with complicated lives and enjoy their company and their accents and I never want to be married. At this point why would I get married? If I can financial hold my own and I can fulfill my need for dick what would be the purpose, and that is what tells me I am not in love perhaps. 

I love my single life so very much 90% of the time I just dont know how I would let that go. I always say we never know where the universe will take us and I dont know who God will put in my life. I might fall in love again like I did with JF. I still remember that night I knew I was in love with him. I still think about JF, I want to hug him. I need to hug him and kind of close that chapter. Even love like I have for him is just not enough sometimes. 

I was going to see the trucker last night I was so excited I was thinking about it. I was wanting him to fuck me raw. I dont know why. It was this need I just wanted it so bad, I wanted to feel the intensity and power that comes through with raw fucking. I thought about it for two dam days. I was was worked up about it. I thought about talking to him before hand about what I wanted and see if he would play along with my raw rape scene in my head, but I dont think that is his thing. He just seems like a really happy go lucky guy and I just dont see that side of him. He canceled due to a Covid exposure. So I was really grateful that he canceled because I can not afford to have Covid run through my house and all that entails but damm I was devastated. It was days of work up and fantasizing all to a very flat ending. For me that is my reminder from the universe that I dont need to do those things. I need to be very mindful of my choices and keep it to my current team. 

That thin guy never text me. I think he did not like me. I think my body was not what he wanted and he maybe was not wanting to hurt my feelings. This is just a sense that I got. 

I dont know what the weekend will bring. I am hoping to get out this weekend and have some fun while I am in this mood.