You Have No Power Over Me

 I knew D was testing the waters with me the other day on the phone. Today he confirmed that. So out of the blue he floats the idea of him coming to live with me by me, like asks me if I want him to move in with me. He says it in this really causal way like it is not a big deal. He was working and there was a lot of background noise and he makes some kind of asshole comment about fucking me every night and if I don't want to fuck him every night then he will find another pussy. It is like his defense mechanism to say asshole things during deep conversations to keep the realness at bay. 

So lets just review what just happened. D, the man I have been in love with for 18 years and whom I have done anything he wanted me to even when detrimental to my own well-being now is ready to move in with me. If this was June 2020 I would have responded very differently than I did today. In June I was raw and emotional and clinging to what I knew to give me peace in a time of uncertainty. I was still very much his disciple at that time, whatever he wanted was my desire as well. Now today in January of 2021 my spirit is much stronger than is was just months ago and I am no longer clinging to the familiar. The wounds are not as raw as they once were and I have more clarity than I ever have. 

I say to him "If we move in together I want it to be because you want to be with me not because it is convenient for you". This aggravated him a lot. I heard that "I don't know why I try with you" again and like Sara repeats in the movie the Labryinth "You Have No Power Over Me" becomes the words I hear in my head. I so easily see his manipulation of me in this moment. And I end the conversation because I have a meeting to attend and I tell him I will call him when I am done. He gives me a sarcastic answer. We play phone tag a little bit through out the day and we finally have a chance we are both free to talk. Only I don't want to talk to him anymore. I feel like he is giving me a half a story and he is not even listening to what I am saying. He is not aggravated with me anymore so I play the game and talk. We start talking about this job offer he has and if he should take or not and where it is located. And I ask him "Where do you want to be"? Silence. Dead Silence. I ask again "where do you want to be"? He says I want to be in my own place. I acknowledge the light bulb moment we had here with a sigh and in the silence of our conversation he knows what I am getting at. He does not want to be with me. Evidently something in his life has happened and he needs a place to live so he thought maybe I can do that. But never did he say I love her and I want to spend more time with her. He did not say to himself I just do not want to go weeks with out seeing her, he did not  miss me as a person as a partner as paramour, he just thought living with me would be convenient. 

At some point in the conversation I say to him why don't you even just spend the night with me, lets start there. This a man that has had an open invitation to spend the night with me for months and has not done it. This is the only man I would let me kids see me talk to and let me kids see in this house. He is the one I reserved this right for and he has not done it. If you want to be with me why have you not come to see me? 

There is also a huge part of me that is so utterly content with the current place I find myself that the thought of bringing him into the folds of my life is very unappealing. I thought of D a lot last night and actual thought about several times if D was here with me what would this be like.  Last night, thanks to this new IUD I have, I had horrible cramps, debilitating cramps to the point really all I could do is lay in bed with my heating pad and try to sooth myself. As I lay in my big bed alone in the fetal position I think about if he was here would he even try to make me feel better? Would he be understanding that I could not have sex? Would he get me some ibuprofen? Would he rub my back? Would he help out in the house? I feel like I know all the answers to those questions and I feel like he would not do any of those things. There is a really loving nurturing side of him I have seen but it is not like the first layer of his personality. It is not readily apparent. I compare this to JF and how I know how JF would respond. He would get me medication, he would say a prayer over me and he would take the kids to the park or keep them all downstairs so I could rest. He would do this happily and lovingly and he would do this now even while we are not together because that is the way that he loves me. 

So perhaps the era of D is coming to a close. Im not sure what will become of our relationship after this kind of conversation. I know I have hit a wall with him. Im not willing to accept a lot of his nonsense that I once was and it is like he now finds me more desirable because of it, ironically I find him less desirable. The dick is not even persuading me completely, Im not saying I won't have him visit me. However Im starting to see that there are other ways to enjoy sex that don't involve some of the pain I feel with him. The neighbor has really showed me a lot about this. Sex with him never hurts, sometimes I feel like I want it to hurt but I still get pleasure with out any pain. Now Im not having as many orgasms but there is something to be said for being able to get up and next morning and not have every muscle in your body be sore and tired for the olympic fucking. 

I talk a lot about the "Holy Grail". This hard sought experience that I need and want and that I am always chasing. However I may have been off on the concept. I just want to have good sex often and easily but I don't want to ever have to talk about it. The Holy Grail would be not having any content for this blog. To be so satisfied in my sex life that I just never need to talk about it, it just is and flows and effortlessly happens with little thought or time. I would like sex to be as seamless as getting a shower. I do it when I want to, sometimes 1x a day, sometimes 2x a day, sometimes not at all and I never think twice about it. I do it when I feel dirty and I enjoy while it is happening but I don't have to think about it ever in my every  day. That is the new definition of the holy grail that I am chasing. 

I did not get my Tuesday fuck with the neighbor today but we are planning and trying to make the weekend work. He is taunting me with the idea that he will have more time Saturday and he can fuck my ass and cum on my face. This makes me happy. 

20 Minutes

 I spent most of the day doing nothing. I feel guilty about resting all the time but I really tried hard to just let myself rest. I felt in a bad mood most of the day. I was in the non-sexual place that I have been the last few days. However I started to feel this shift around 3pm. It was like the flood gates of hormones opened and within an 2 hours I was consumed with thoughts of sex again. I was starting to go through my texts to see if there was someone I could call over tonight. I quickly sifted through the names and found no one suitable or trustworthy enough to call over to my house while my kids are sleeping. On a whim I text the neighbor to see if he is busy. He like the good neighbor he is tries to accommodate me. I really appreciate his willingness to meet my needs. He was unsure I know and there is not a lot of time as he is on his way to work but he can give me 20 minutes to get my fix. I take it!. I send the kids to the my girlfriends house (also my neighbor) and leave the door unlocked for him. I wanted the dick so bad but more then just dick I wanted cum on me or in me. I just was feeling like I wanted to feel used and a little degraded maybe. I was sucking his dick and he was trying to get me to stop so he could fuck me but I was really wanting the dick in my mouth. I relented and moved back in the bed and spread my legs for him. He climbed on top of me and fucked me. I wanted him to fuck me harder. I know men know the want of a women who wants it harder and she is trying to get your dick in further, as she manipulates he pussy and is trying to get to your dick from her limited position. This happens a lot when a man is trying not to cum and the women just can't get enough of the dick. Maybe this is me maybe I am the only one that is hungry for the dick and can not wait for a men to thrust it into my pussy again. Maybe I am the only one that tries to fuck a man while he is on top of me. 

I hear myself growling in pleasure. This deep animalistic place of pleasure would overcome me but I was not cumming. I just could not get there. I know we were out of time. In a perfect world he would have had time to fuck my ass. I feel like I was feeling weird about him being on top of me and close to me tonight. He leans over while he fuck me so we are very close (him still with his mask on) but I feel noticeably weird about it. Im not sure what it was about it but the closeness bothered me a little. Not enough to stop it or have him fuck me from behind but enough that I had a passing thought about it. My pussy was so wet. It was ridiculous and making lots of wet pussy noises and he would fuck me. 

We finally run out of time. He tells me he jerked off earlier and it is making it hard for him to cum so he has me lay next to him and lick his nipples while he jerks off. I hate to say this but I kinda liked the closeness at this point. I like laying with his arm around me while I play with and lick his nipples (which for the record is something I generally do not like to do at all) and watch him jerk off while he says some hot things to me. I like this moment of his vulnerability while I watch him and give him pleasure. I truly wanted the cum in me or on my face but it just was not in the cards for tonight. Im not sure if I will feel like that again. That feeling is a new feeling for me, it is not one I usually feel, cum generally disgusts me. Im not sure if it was him that I was wanting or if it I would have felt like this with anyone.  I watch him get cleaned up, I like the way his dick, semi hard hangs. It remind me how big his dick is and I just watch him. I was very disappointed we did not have more time and he could not just pound my pussy. 

He leaves and I get my toys out. I was having trouble making myself cum again. I thought it would be easy because it was right there but it looks a good 10 minutes of porn and toys to make myself orgasm. And once I get one, I always want more and more. I left it at one for tonight as I needed to get my kids from the neighbors anyway. 

I have some feelings that he is married and that I am fucking someones husband. This does not make me feel great. It also kind of makes me hot that he is thinking about our time together and jerking off and sending me pics of his hard dick from his bedroom that he shares with his wife. I think about what their sex life might be like and how he might fuck her. I wonder if I suck his dick better than his wife or if his wife is giving him anal. I think about the visual of watching him fuck her and it gives me some pleasure. I wonder if he is thinking about me while he fucks her or if they are having better sex now that he has an outside interest. 

The Cycle

 I am expecting my period soon, some of you may have noticed that based on my lack of interest in sex. It is a cycle I am familiar with but I really feel like sometimes the desire for sex will never come back. I almost feel freed from the burden of this intense need and I can focus on my life in general.  I think about the thing I have done in the last few months and I am scared for myself and a little shocked that I don't have better control of myself after all these years of trying to control these sexual urges. 

I have not been spending any time finding dick so I find myself with all this free time. Today I spent two hours watching Unsolved Mysteries while my little one took a nap on top of me. It was lovely. This evening I have been getting back to managing all the home movies I have and trying to compile them into year long movies for future viewing. As I am looking through the clips I see many of JF. I used to record him making promises to me so could have the proof of what he said and I would also record him telling me all kinds of sweet things so I could replay whenever I felt like I needed reassurance. I was not going to watch the videos but I did. We were so in love. He loved me so much when we were recording these videos, you could see it in his eyes you could hear it in his voice you could feel the love. It made me feel good on one level because I did not imagine that love. It was really there. It made me happy to think about all the happy years we has and how much he cared about my health and well being. He loved me and I felt his love in everything he did. That is the part that ended. Something happened that changed that. I don't know what it was but he just was dead inside the last few years and not giving me any of the love I used to feel. I don't know what to do with those videos but I am glad I have them. Even though we were not meant to be together forever we did have a deep love. 

I spent a long time on the phone with D today, over an hour.  He is in a different space than he has been and all of a sudden he is really showing interest in me. He is testing me. I hear him say many things in these long conversations but what I take from it is he is nervous about us pursuing a relationship and he still thinks I  will go back to JF. We dance around the topic of if I am fucking anyone else. He does not ask, I do not tell. I think about how I would not want sex with anyone if I had him in my bed at night, but then I thought...no more sex with the white guy does not sound fun. D talked a lot about how much he hates the internet and how he will not put any of his business on the internet. I fell silent as he talked about his privacy and how much he despised how much info about their life the ex wife put on facebook. I have totally facebooked stalked her and she was barely putting anything on there. If he only knew I have been recording his every move for  years here he would be furious with me. I thought about the hiding that would need to take place if he lived with me and the thought of it just made me exhausted. At one point in the conversation he referred to JF as "the love of my life" and I said "Um no that would be you". He said "in a perfect world that would have worked out"...what the christ does that mean? The attention from D has been nice this last 2 weeks. I feel like he is finally starting to give me what I want, but I know this is fleeting. If D has taught me anything about himself it is that he marches the the beat of his own drum and in a heart beat that march will change. He will be cold and hot, loving and distant, he will overwhelm with his presence then go missing for weeks. So while the feelings are nice I am not so easily fooled as I once was. 

These men in my life have wore me down. JF and D. They have each taken more than they gave and have left me feeling a little hardened at times.

My 1st ex husband was over last night, he is building a 4th bedroom in my house for my daughter. While he was in the basement someone knocks at the door. It is JF landlord wanting to know where he is. He has already stopped by the house once. I was trying to explain to the man that I am not JF's wife and I do not know when he is coming back, he was persistently asking questions, he was polite but intrusive. My ex came up from the basement and shut it down with the man and shut the door. I was glad he was here and I was appreciative that he jumped in. I was also furious that I have to put up with this shit with JF. Why can't this man get his life together. And how many years must I be subject to the stress that comes with his bullshit? 

Main Characters

 After a couple requests I have decided to make you all a brief summary of the team players as of now. 

D - D is my oldest's daughters biological father, we have had a relationship (for lack of a better word) for 18 years now. He is from the Caribbean and he lives about 2 hours from me now and I see him about once month or every other month. Sometimes I will see him 3 weeks in a row and then go 6 weeks before I see him. I love him. I spent most of my 18 years "with" him wanting to be his wife. Now that we are both finally single and I have had some clarity on the situation I think I like the way our relationship is now. He has the biggest dick of anyone I have ever fucked with. Sexually we are very compatible!

JF -JF is my most recent ex. He and I were together for the last 10 years and we have two children together. He is from Africa and he was a citizen before we started our relationship. I was very happy living a very vanilla life with him for a very long time. Our relationship ended because he has some skewed priorities when it comes to work and family and he was not paying attention to me. Sex with him was good but it has not happened in almost two years. He moved out over the summer and we continue to work on our co-parenting relationship but no drama there. I still love him but I can't be in a relationship with him anymore. 

My 1st Ex husband - I talk about him sometimes. We do not have sex and did not even have sex in our marriage but he is a big part of my life. He is white and he is the father of my oldest (the one that D donated sperm for). He is really one of the kindest human beings I have ever known. We had an open marriage for 11 years and then he decided it was not working for him anymore. 

The Neighbor / White Guy - This is my neighbor who happens to be white. I refer to him as both things. He is the first white guy I have had sex with since I was 20. He has a nice dick and he is happy to stop by my house and give me that white dick whenever our schedules mesh. He has been like a breath of fresh air. He is zero hassle and polite. He is clean and educated. He is consistent and makes me feel submissive. He does not even know it but he makes me feel like I want to do anything he wants me to. He has lived next to me for 10 years but I just started seeing him in the last 3 months. 

T - T is this guy that I met in the very short time between my 1st husband and JF. I loved him. We did really have a good thing for a few months but he ended it because he said it was clear that I wanted more kids and he was done with that phase of his life. He was not wrong I did want more children, but I was so hurt when he ended it. We reconnected once or twice over the ten years but I text him again when I was single. I still feel like love him (and maybe love is not the right word). I like him a whole lot and I am super happy to be around him. He makes me feel really good. We have hooked up a couple of times since September but he is married. He is defiantly someone I would like to be dating if he was available. He has a kink side to him and a good dick.

JW - I think it is funny but he reminds me of Jay Z, I don't know why. I am very attracted to him and his style, his voice, his sincerity. I have known him for a LONG time. Maybe 15 years. The first five I did nothing but made him chase me and then I gave him a chance and I really like him. However before we could even get anything off the ground I got pregnant with my 2nd child and that really derailed everything. I have been trying to reconnect with him but he is resistant. Now I feel like I am chasing him like he used to chase me. I know his dick is good but it has been a long time since I have seen it. He is also married. He lives about an hour and a half away so that makes it a little bit hard to see someone but not impossible. Im hoping he will make time for me soon. 

B- B is this guy I don't see often but he reminds me of a white guy, even though he is black. He is actually the reason I was brave enough to see a white guy again. He is no drama and I like the way we play. He has an average size dick. I like that he seems to be a very hardworking man, I am very attracted to hardworking men. And it is just easy, he comes over while I am working from home, he slaps me and spanks me and fucks me and we go back to work.

So if they did not make the short list it is just because I don't know them well enough yet to put them here. I might mention them once or twice but this really are the people I talk about regularly that have a reoccurring role in my life. And despite what I have heard in feedback that does not feel like a lot to me. 4 people that I currently semi-regularly fuck, I don't think that is a lot. It feel very conservative to me. There are a lot of fill ins that I sprinkle in but that is just because I am looking to expand that pool of people that I can readily  and easily fuck. My goal is not to have to meet new people anymore. I thrive on the consistency of a relationship. And I DO NOT MEAN a romantic relationship. I just mean the relationship you have when you are regularly fucking someone. The trust you gain with time. I really like that. I really miss knowing someone well enough to be myself. I do miss D. 

An example for the people who need the clarity. The white guy and I fuck, we have fun, we talk about neighborly stuff in the few minutes he is undressing and cleaning up after we fuck. We text maybe once a week to plan the next meeting. Occasionally he will send me a dick pic or ask me a question. We have open communication though. I would not be thrown off if he did not text me for a week or more. And we both know this is working so well because it is convenient af. This is a relationship we have. Some people get real scared with the word "relationship" but people have all different kinds of relationships. It is really ok. 

Good Intentions

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Love Thirsty

 This new person has really given me a lot to think about in way I approach and interact with men. He said something to the affect that he was approaching me like as a potential of a real relationship partner but clearly that is not what I am looking for. I keep asking him why he says that. I don't feel like that is how I feel, I don't think that is what I tried to portray in my profile but this is not the first time that I am hearing this so I am just not sure what vibe I am giving off. 

Part of me likes where things are at right now. Fucking who I want when I want, finding dick that fits into my life on my terms is fucking nice and I am by no means trying to give that up on a whim. For example the guy I saw (G) a few weeks ago and he was talking about monogamy the first night I met him. Ummm excuse me Sir but NO! I am not saying I want to be living like this forever because there is part of me that wants a real relationship, but I am not sure how a real relationship fits into my family life. I assume it can but I just can not envision it. I can't imagine myself in love with someone because I am not. If I fall in love some many things are possible. I just don't have a desire to be with someone and share my life with them but I am totally ready to feel that feeling. When I met JF I did not see myself with him. I was very bothered by lots of things about him. I could not understand him for one, he had a very different life then me (even living in USA),  and he is a man that everyone knows and does not blend in with the crowd. It is like the opposite of what I thought I wanted. I fell in love with him unexpectedly and then all the details just did not seem to matter. I thought a lot about this today about my not wanting to kiss, caress or touch the man last night. At one point I went to kiss his giant muscular arms that were right beside my face as he fucked me and I caught myself and stopped. He even said to me "I see you, you can touch me, you can kiss me" I sheepishly smiled and went back to my business of taking dick. It just does not feel right to me to touch someone I don't have feelings for. I want to love the person I touch, I want to want to give them pleasure in other ways. Im not sure why I have drawn this line in the sand about intamte touching but I really have a firm line drawn.

Im open to love, but I think that love will happen very quickly or it will not happen at all. I have not loved too many people in my life. I don't count the boys when I was 16 but as a grown up I have loved 4 men. 4 men, my first ex husband, D, JF and T. And my relationship with all of these men were started with sex. It was not I set out to fall in love. The love comes very quickly, and quick to me means like less then 2 months I know if I should be with this person or not. I can not help how I feel. You can't choose who you fall in love with at all, it just happens and you are left to pick up the pieces of life as you knew it before love came in and blew it all apart. 

Speaking of which I just had a brief text with T, which ended with me crying a real cry because I really miss him. I was so in love with him when he ended our relationship so many years ago and I totally feel the same way now. It is just not possible since he is married and all. I say this to accentuate the point that I do have feelings. I am not some kind of serial sexual deviant that only enjoys sex with strangers. I have a heart and lots of emotions. I just manage to put my feelings aside to do what I need to do to keep myself happy and physically fulfilled. 

Im optimistic I will find a man that evokes such a love and devotion to him that will be able to be fullfilled in a relationship. Ok universe. I am ready send me my man.

No Extras

 I on my way out for the night. I can not help but feel a little out of sorts about it. I don't really want to go out but I feel like I am still looking for some physical satisfaction that I have just not gotten recently. The white guy fucks well but not quite the way D does. When D leaves my bed I know I will not want sex for a long time. Even though I have talked a little bit of shit about him being too rough with me and his olympic style if nothing else I know he will quell with urge to want to be filled up and fucked. There has been maybe 3 times in 18 years that I out lasted him and wanted more when he was ready to go. Of those 3 times I remember, one time he took his pants down and bent me over and fucked me some more, one time he hugged me and told me he really needed to go, and the other he told me to get my magic wand. Overall though Im never left with that feeling of wanting more. Sometimes I think it must be something deeper I am craving but I don't think so. I really think this is a physical need. I want my pussy to feel used and stretched and sore so I don't want to fuck anymore. Fisting is a good example of this feeling that I chase. I have never wanted to fuck after fisting. Never. I do because some people want to do that but after that kind of stretch and fill up I never have this craving that I am having tonight. And I feel like I just can not ask everyone to do the fisting. Not everyone knows how to do and some stupid men think its an in and out procedure and it is not. I might ask the white man about it. I am more comfortable with him now that I feel like I can ask him for that.

So I have run into this man via the dating site I was using. He seems to be on my page in reference to kink and I have actually enjoyed talking and texting with him. He did mention something and I can not recall his exact words, but something to the affect that I may devalue mens worth into merely what their penis looks like. Those are my words not his, but I do not disagree. I have really taken a turn where I really do not value much until I can verify the dick is good. To defend myself on that it is just I know that I can not be with a man that does not have a certain size dick. There is a minimum standard. I don't know what the inch is but I need a good size dick, not huge just big enough. And if that is not there well I don't want to put time and effort into a man that will utimiley fall into the the category of just not being able to physically satisfy me. And I don't think that it is wrong of me to be in this place. I am looking for something more like a romantic relationship  and if you have a smaller than average dick then I just don't know where I go from there. 

We also had this conversation about a friend who loved a man with a micro penis.  I have learned a very important lesson in my two marriages. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK! Love does not fix all, it does not satisfy the hunger for dick, or the need to be abused. Love does not take away base instinctual needs and if your partner does not have the equipment to fulfill them you are just sacrificing all your time. And that shit of self-sacrificing will come out. You can maybe do it for a couple of years but in the end there is a price to pay. I still love JF and I know he loves me, but that is not enough to make our marriage work. 

These conversations have given me a new point of view to think about. I desperately need to sort out what it is I really want. Although it changes a lot, sometimes within minutes. Tonight I want to fuck a new man with what looks like a good dick. I want to forget that I am a parent and that so many people depend on me and look to me to fix the things that come up in life for them. I want to spread my legs, be slapped in the face, called a slut and fucked hard till a little tear rolls down the side of my face. I want to put my clothes back on, drive home in time to put my children to bed and get a full nights sleep. Then the next time I want to cum I want to watch the video of me sucking this man dick and remember the few moments of my life where I could be whoever I wanted to be. Details to come.......

So this man, is someone I was talking to to for awhile but life just gets busy, people get distracted, I get disinterested then interested again. If I am being honest his dick pic did not excite me. I have learned some valuable lessons of dick pics they rarely tell the story. He catches me in a moment today that I was feeling like I want to have sex and offers me a very easy solution. He comes close to me, get a room and I leave in like an hour, he was cool with a condom so I was willing to meet him tonight. 

On the way there I was talking to the the new guy I have been talking to. I like to talk with him but I think I felt weird about talking to him while I was on my way to get fucked. It just did not seem to mesh in my head but I still wanted to talk. 

He texted me the room number and I get out of my car and head in. I feel nothing. I don't feel nervous I don't feel uncomfortable I don't feel naughty I don't feel like a whore I just feel like I am going to do any other chore like go to Target. This bothers me slightly when I look back on it. It is like I am turning into some kind of sexual psychopath. I knock on the door with no hesitation. He answers I walk in an put my stuff down. My first thought is this man is big. He is very tall maybe 6'4 or more and he is built like a football player. He shoulders are huge. I though he was attractive as well. I ask him if he has the condoms he says yes, I say can you show them to me. He does. I have told him already that he needs to lead and he happily has me get on my knees and take his dick out and suck it. And I do, and I know I suck dick well and this was no exception. I was happy to do it, but it did go on a little too long so I told him it was time for him to fuck me. I want him on top of me so I climb into the bed and spread my legs. The dick was average and I was not into it the first few minutes, then he started fucking me violently is the best word I can used to describe it, like fucking me like he wanted to hurt me with his dick. Now his dick was not long enough to hit my cervix so I could take this kind of fucking no problem. He then slapped me in my face. He slapped me so hard that it took my breath away a minute and I was clearly shaken by it. I almost said something to him but I though he is not going to do that again he could tell it was too hard. He kept alternating fucking me super hard and slow strokes. He put his hand on my neck and I got nervous. He was so big and strong that seriously I knew that this man would do what he wanted to me. I pryed his hand off my neck but as this is happening my pussy is getting wetter and I start to squirt. He slapped me again. This time I quipped "Don't hit me that hard again" and he started to laugh and I started to laugh and we just had a moment out of the scene that made me feel a little safer there with him. I can't help but think about all the risk I took and how much I put myself to be in a very vulnerable place. In my conversation tonight with this new guy he said something to the affect that there maybe things that turn me on that I don't even like the idea that they do turn me on. Violence is one of them. I still feel like pretend violence is what I want but it kills me that I have not had so many orgasams in weeks or squirted in weeks to have the physical roughhousing be the thing that breaks the dry spell. It was not the size or shape of his dick it was the violent fucking and slapping and the legitimate feeling that this man has total control over anything he wants to do with me. 

He stopped fucking for a minute because he was tired and he asked me to kiss on his chest. I thought about it for a moment and I decline. I said "I don't want to, you know I just want to fuck". I was happy to suck his dick some more and his balls but Im not kissing on your chest, rubbing on your body. I just did not have any desire to do that and it is not what I wanted. Now having said that I must add that this kind of touching does not come to me when I first meet someone. It takes some time for me to want to touch a mans body in a loving, passionate or really any way, other than sucking his dick. It is just something I want to feel desire to do if I am going to do it and I don't feel desire with everyone. Some men are just for fucking not for touching. With D it took me a long time to get comfortable with touching outside of fucking, but it is now natural part of our dance. Touching is much more intimate to me then dicks and fucking. I don't want to be intimate with just anybody. I want to know them, I want to make them happy, I want to feel like I know how to make them happy and I am doing it. This guy was just dick and I was not doing anything I did not feel excited to do. (Thats one of those lines that makes me feel like I have some kind of detachment disorder)

He is fucking me violently again and then his alarm on his phone goes off and he fucks a few more times and gets up like nothing and goes into the bathroom and quickly gets dressed. I did not even know if he came. He says yes as I am still laying in the wet spot on the bed feeling weak. I get up to get dressed he says "you good" I say "yes" and he says "I will catch up with you later". So the alarm was he had to go to be at work but jesus mary and joseph I ve never seen a man leave so fast. I felt a little lost to be honest. I would have preferred if he would have waited for me and walked me out, that's just good manners. 

The way home I was teary eyed from the intensity of the fucking. I was in a mood while I was listening to my music and trying to process what just happened. I thought about T and JW and how those are men I want to please even the white guy now that I know him. I want to touch them. Sometimes I wish they would briefly kiss me (because I don't really like kissing) but I want them to be close to me. I also know them well. I know that they are good people and I trust them with my feelings. If I feel close enough to them to fully experience all kinds of touching during sex it is because I know them well and they treat me with respect. They deserve to have me meet their needs whereas this guy was just a live dildo for the night.  He gets no special treatment. 

Im getting tired and loosing my clarity or already lost it. I see that I am just talking things through tonight to see where I land. I will say my mind is not on sex. I don't want to do it again, I feel like I am good for a couple of days at least. No pics or video, it was just not that kind of vibe tonight. 

Easy Sex

 I had this revelation today that I have really have found what I am looking for in the neighbor guy and since I don't have a key to tell about him for the sporadic reader, he is the first white guy I have been with in 20 years and he lives 3 houses down from me. He is polite, friendly, punctual, reliable, he has a nice dick, he fucks me well, he causes zero drama, he literally comes over when our schedules mesh, there is no awkward conversation or silence, he leaves immediately and he has been consistent. As far as I am concerned I think I have won! This is what I have been looking for and I think I have gotten it. I think I have seen him 6 times now and he is very even tempered. He is everything I was looking for now I just cross my fingers and hope that we both continue to be interested. At least I can get my physical needs met with little to no issues. And wait the best part might be, he will fuck me when I have my period! 

Just to clarify I that does not mean that I am not looking for some kind of deeper connection, because I really want some kind of relationship that looks more like an actual romantic connection. I just found a source of regular easy dick that keeps me from hunting for cock every week. 

He came over today as planned. I don't even thing there is anything to write about. He comes in and starts undressing while we talk a bit and lays down, I suck his dick, he tells me how he wants to fuck me (on my knees, leg together on the edge of the bed while he was behind me. Thats it. We fucked for like 20 minutes maybe, he came, we talked a little bit more while he cleaned up and got dressed, I comfortably got in the shower while he was still there, he shows himself out. Now the one caveat is that I am not orgasming like I used to. I don't think it is him I think it is anti-depressant I am on. One of the side effects is that it can interfere with that. Typically I would orgasm 3-4 times from just fucking like that for 20 minutes but I did not at all. It was good and felt good but I did not get there. After I got out of the shower I watched the video clip he made of me sucking his dick and spent some time with my magic wand. It took like 10 minutes to cum, whereas before it would literally take 60 seconds and I could do it like 5 times with out a problem. This is something I am going to have to pay attention to how I am feeling because this is one hell of a side effect. He will happily have me use my wand while he fucks me so I might try that again next time. And even as I say next time, I never assume that there will be. People are so finicky, you just never know. This is part of the reason for the team, people are unpredictable when it comes to this situation. Everyone says that want this kind of situation but in my experience most people want more. 

I am getting so much more comfortable with him. For a long time I was assuming that I was not fun anymore. I did not want cum in my mouth, no cum on my face, I really just wanted cum in the condom and I would suck your dick but I would not worship your cock, I did not want to try anal. I just thought I just wanted to have sex and not be bothered with all the extras, but I think it is that I need some kind of connection to do that kind of thing. To get into a headspace where  you want a man or will even let a man cum in your mouth or face you have to have some kind of connection and trust. Now I know that it sounds like I am liking this white guy too much, but it is not a romantic connection just a human one. I don't want to spend time with him and date him but I trust him enough to want to please him and want to bring him pleasure. And I feel much better that the fun part of me is still there.

D called me today. So I had not talked to him since our short conversation last week in which I was feeling very irritated with him. He feels me slipping away from him and thus he calls me again today. I know he feels my coldness with him.  It was actually a very nice conversation. We talked for about an hour about how we feel about marriage, JF, kids, and work. I felt like I had my best friend back. He was pleasant and engaging and made me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. However as I was telling my friend tonight it does not make up for that fact that this man seriously dropped the ball on our relationship and left me spinning out on my own for months. It also does not change that face that he chose to pull back and I chose to move on. Im not sure what the future holds for D and I but today at least I was reminded of the man that I met so many years ago. 

And just because I like to give a visual I am adding this two very short clips. It not my best dick sucking and Im not sure why my face looks so stressed while I am doing it but at least there is a visual. I kinda want him to cum on my face if there is a next time...

Working Hard

 I am a lover of hardworking men. This includes blue collar working men and professional men. I anything that confirms the hardworking nature of a man. I feel like I am somewhat more drawn to blue collar working men. I feel comfortable in their company more so than an intellectual man. I also think men who work with their minds have more energy to play games, whereas a hard working hands on blue collar working man has no time or energy for the mind games. He wants to fuck and that is it. He is not so interested in all the nonsense I have seen with professional men. I can't really articulate what I mean by nonsense at this time but it is just different. 

I have thought about a lot about this man I saw Friday. The truck driver, he defiantly have given me an a lot of fantasy material about truck drivers in general. This is defiantly a group of men then I have generally not dealt with, I spoke about the other day how I just in my mind have a bias that they are involved in sex trafficking or frequent sex workers. I apologize for that for any truck drivers that are out there but it is just my bias. I realize that this is not accurate just like all the other stereotypes about different men are not true. I keep thinking about the moment I decided that I was going to get into this truck. I never really gave it much thought about dangers of this kind of thing. However in the light of day I was thinking to myself what if another man was in there and I would have only seen him once I was in the truck and then it would be too late. Then they would do what ever then wanted to do with me. This has given me hours of day dreaming. I replay the details of how he was touching me as I climbed into the truck and my inability to go anywhere once I was in that truck. Oh how I have fantasied about what another man might look like and how they might approach me and how he might have held my legs apart so the other one could fuck me raw. I feel like they would have been gentle and encouraging at first while I was still complicit but as he came near me with his bare cock that they would be more forceful in their touch and as I tell him "stop" he would thoughtlessly cover my mouth with his hand as his friend fucked my white pussy. 

I have this friend who reads the blog. I would say sometimes he holds a mirror up for me, by way of him diving deep into my writing, so I can see some of the patterns of my thinking and behavior. Recently he noted how I have become more aggressive.  I think a light bulb went off for me. Aggression is an accurate term for what I have been feeling. It is not even that I have just been wanting to be fucked but aggressively so. That I have really thrown caution to the wind and floated wherever the universe took me with little regard to anything really. I have even noticed that in my talking or texting with people I am much more to the point. I feel like I can not even play anymore. I am very clear about what I want and frankly rude at times, which is not in my character but I am just so tired of it all. I really believe that what I seek should not be that hard. I had with D earlier in my life, why is it so hard now? I do have time challenges but it seems like that men that have those big dicks I crave are so spoiled with pussy that they are interviewing me at times. I am not a salesperson. I am not going to tell you all the reasons you should want to fuck with me, I want them to just feel it and want it. Perhaps that is too much to ask but I am still looking for that well hung man who is polite, well mannered, considerate, shows good character but can also fuck me well. Im just not interested in a one time thing. I do realize I like sex more the more I can get comfortable with someone and trust them a little bit.

I have not been thinking about D, then today I realized that it has been sometime since I spoke to him. I thought about calling him out of obligation and just to keep things cool between us but I did not have it in me. He wants me to clear an entire afternoon for him so he can drive down here during the day and fuck me but he has an open invitation to spend the night with me. He does not want to spend the night apparently. If I am being honest, I don't want him to spend the night either, I am just not feeling like he deserves my devotion and or the benefit of sleeping in my bed fucking me all night. I am a little sad this is where things are at because he has been a part of my life for so long. Perhaps we just need a break. 

My intention last week was to pause this "slow moving gang bang" or sorts and it is Tuesday and I am doing ok. I don't have the physical need for sex, but I am feeling the need for the mental stimulation I get. I am going to see the neighbor tomorrow so hopefully that will keep that physical need at bay enough that I can keep my intention. Im not sure how to get my fill on the mental stimulation. And for the record seeing the neighbor does not count as not keeping with my intention. He is now a regular so he is fair game. 

All in My Feelings

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The Tease

 This week was a difficult one at work. I am working on ending my position working a program that I have loved and put a lot of effort into. I am teaching people about it and trying to emotionally disengage as well and I am learning a new program. The learning of a new program has been the most challenging for me. It is something that I have not done in a while and maybe not ever in this capacity. My boss is super encouraging and seems very confident in me so I am just trying to roll with it. However this week really left me mentally exhausted. Really drained. By 4pm today I had to call it quits I just could not use my brain any longer. I spent like 30 minutes just sitting in the car after picking up the kids just enjoying the silence and ability to not think for a while. I get text from a man, a newer man, someone I have not talked about here. He was in my area and asked me if I wanted to come see him. I was really not feeling it. He then sent a dick pic and I was much more interested. So I commit to going to see him. In my mind I am like how bad can it be and maybe I can clear my head just a bit.  Although I know I said I did not want to see anyone new but I just really needed to be fucked. 

We talk about the where, he says he drives truck and he has a bed right in his truck. This makes me rethink my decision. I have a very negative stigma associated with truck drivers in general. I am not sure why. All I could think about is the one guy awhile back who said he did not want to fuck with me because I fucked an African and Trinidadian man and I was just as bad now for some reason assuming all truck drivers are having sex with sex workers all the time. I start to back pedal a little bit but in the end I decide to go. Sex in a big rig, this was a first. I talk to him about condoms he understood he said. I arrive and he sees me sitting in the car. I ask him if he has condoms, he gives me a bullshit answer and said come over here and talk with me first. I say no I am not getting into the truck with out the condoms. We take a short drive to get the condoms in my car and then head back the the truck. I have never been in one of these trucks, but these things are fucking huge. It was like a challenge to just get up into the truck. He was behind me showing me how to do it. As I leaned over he began feeling my ass and grinding his hard dick on me. This felt good. I also liked being outside and feeling just a little bit like a slut as he gropes me in this parking lot. 

He tells me I am the first white woman he has been with, he was very excited. I start to suck his dick and he likes it and I realize I need to talk to him about cumming in my mouth. I very clearly let him know not to do this and if he feels like he is to pull away but my no mean should he cum in my mouth. I felt a little bit like a bitch when I was saying it. And bitch in the way that I was willfully making his life more difficult and I took some pleasure in it. He was very talkative. After I sucked his dick a little he asked me to show him my pussy. I lay back and spread my legs and he shows lots of excitement. At this point I just want the fucking. I encourage him to get the condom. He does not yet. He is between my legs with his hard dick hitting the inside of my thighs as he leans over me and sucks on my tits. He is gentle with that, more gentle than I am used to. He wants to slide his dick in my pussy so bad, he is begging me as I keep him at a distance with my legs. I let him just get close enough he can almost reach the wet pussy with the tip of his dick and just when he think he might get it I move. I firmly tell him it is time to fuck, get the condom. He still does not want to listen. He continues to persist with this begging to feel this pussy this first white pussy he has ever had. Now I am not in a zone at all. There are times in my life that I can get into a zone and lose the ability to make rational choices. This is why I alway had a Dom watching that at a gang bang or party. The high you get from orgasms can make you just plain stupid. So I am continuing to willfully tease him with the pussy. I started to get tired of it though. Some playing was fun but for the love of Jesus just fuck me already. He had me pushed back in the corner of this bed and my legs are spread and his dick is just rock hard and wants to slide into my pussy and it is just centimeters away and I say "Just stop" with irritation in my voice. I had enough playing with him he needed to put the condom on or I needed to go. He quickly backs away from me almost like I scared him a bit. As he back off me I realized that is not what I really wanted, I was liking this game we were playing but the reality that teasing too much is going to lead to him really pinning me down and fucking me raw and I knew I would not be able to get away from him in the position I was in. That deeps desire to be force-ably taken is haunting at times. This moment with my body fully exposed to this stranger and having these conflicting feelings of don't put your dick in me without a condom and please fuck me raw are hard to sort out in the moment. This need to feel violated sometimes pushes me too far. 

 He puts the condom on. He fucks me slow, and I am fucking him and trying my best to get deep penetration but he is holding back. I assume this is because he is trying not to cum quickly, which I appreciate, so I go with it. He stops to lick my pussy and makes me cum and comes back to it. He finally seems to get his groove and fucks me hard for a minute or so. I live for that minute. The time when I am getting fucked fast and hard are the times that I can most easily get into a zone. 

Overall tonight was was not feeling submissive at all. At one point in the heat of the fucking I told him to stop talking. I was actively advocating for my needs and I needed him to shut the fuck up and do what I told him to. So certainly he did not give me this vibe of wanting to submit. He did have a good energy about him. I am big on a persons energy. However I did enjoy this denying him and teasing him. It felt good to make him beg for the pussy and feel his desire and watch him struggle to control himself. I have never felt like this before. I have always wanted to please a man and from his pleasure if where I found mine. Tonight it was about me, I could not have cared less if he even came I was really just interested in me. 

Im not sure if I will see him again. I am not sure how he felt about this encounter. However I am not playing this condom game with him. That shit gets annoying. It is one thing to play but he was way to persistent for me to even feel the pleasure I was really wanting. He did redeem himself with that last minute or so of hard core fucking but overall I am not sure I will see him again. 

I think I have said it before but in real estate there is the MLS effect of picture of homes. Somehow they always look bigger and more spectacular in the MLS database. Dick pics are the same. They are NEVER representative of what you are getting. NEVER! Sometimes is bigger sometimes it is smaller but it is never ever what I think it is going to be. Maybe men feel this about women's picture too. Im sure they do. There is always a risk in meeting someone new that they will not be well represented by their picture. 

The Protector

 Last night I had a slight desire to get fucked, so I thought about my options and thought let me get out in front of it and take care of my needs before they get out of control. I ended up texting someone I recently got acquainted with. I did not have a lot of time as I would be working throughout the day and I just wanted to take a break, get fucked and go back to work. However today when I woke up I was not feeling it. I was uncomfortable with my body, my body hurt, I was tired and I just thought I don't want to feel the stress of a new man today. So I want to let him know as soon as possible because I am a polite person. So I text him like 10a to let him know that "I'm just not really feeling it today". We go onto to talk for a little while and essentially he talks me into it. So this is like 1015a, he is suppose to text me when he leaves his house and be here at 1230. He is like 20 minutes from me. So I don't get a text from him, I text him and ask him what's up and remind him I only have an hour. No response. I ask him if he is coming or not because if he is not I am going to run out and do something while I have the time. No response. This pissed me off, so I called him. He sent that shit right to voicemail. Now Im pissed. I could care less that he did not come, I seriously did not even want to be bothered with it today but for the love of christ what kind of human being just does not text that he changed his mind or something came up? I mean how little do you think of me that you can not even provide that common curtesy or basic human interaction. I send another text letting him know that he is incredibly rude and he lacks basic manners. I half feel like stalking him a bit until he responds. I feel like he should know that it is a piece of shit move to do that and incredibly inconsiderate. I will let it go after I post this. I will have said my peace here and I won't bother with him again. But let him text me again wanting to come over....smfh!

D called me yesterday. I was in the car and had time to talk but I just did not want to. He was calling me because he said he "had not heard from me in awhile" and this is true I have not talked to him in awhile. I have not called him at all and he noticed. We talked for 16 minutes and I think I tried to end the conversation like 4 times. I just am not feeling it with D like I was. I think that any kind of feeling I had that maybe we would be together has passed and I am really seeing him for what he is. And that is not necessarily a bad thing but it is about time I saw D in a less almightly way and more of a logical light and helps me see that this man can not bring me the happiness that I am looking for. While that is hard to write and acknowledge I feel like it is so powerful to really come full circle on D and get to a place where I am seeing him for what he is. Again not that he is bad he just is not the Ying to my Yang, he the not the ebb to my flow he is not the Romeo as I am not the Juliet. And it is okay. And as I always like to give a disclaimer, today in this moment it is ok. I am at peace with it now but I always reserve the right to take back my feelings of fervent devotion and love for him. 

So the other day, I had a break in my schedule and I called the neighbor. He worked the night before so he said "let me get a shower and I will come over". I smile. Same as always I leave the door open for him and he comes up to my room. I wear the same long t-shirt I usually wear and he undresses with little thought, but he still wears his mask. (lol). He lays down and I suck his dick. I think it is funny how quickly we have gotten our dance down. He asks me how I want it if I want to ride it, my heart sinks a little because I can't do that with him yet. Again this is one of those things I really only do with D because after two decades I am comfortable with him but I wanted to. I just can not get there yet. I wanted to have the deep penetration but I also wanted him to just have the pleasure of that. We settle for me on the bed, my ankles at his shoulders and him standing in front of me. He makes me happy the way he fucks me. It is just so easy, not like the olympic sex I have with D. This is just peaceful easy pleasure. And I like the shit he says to me when he is inside of me. Now I had this urge to let him try anal. I have only done anal with D and it has not always been fun. I would say most of the time it is not fun and I wanted to see what someone else was like. So I let him do it. I found out that I am really not prepared for anal. It hurts a lot. He was patient and did let me relax with him and then he was able to get it like halfway in. I am open to trying it again. I can see how it would be easier if we were doing it more regularly and I was so tense and afraid of it like I feel like D has made me. (That is one of those sentences that just comes out and I think to myself D sounds like a total asshole). 

I was talking to my friend today about this situation with the neighbor. I like him. I don't like him in the sense of I want to be with him but overall it has been such a positive pleasant experience. It has been exactly what I needed. A local man with a good dick, no drama, polite, respectful. It has been really refreshing. Overall I feel like Im kind of done meeting new people for awhile. It just does not feel like I am getting anywhere with it and I think I should be more sure about what I want and don't want. Somewhere in my heart of hearts I have a fairytale idea in my head that maybe I will be in the Wawa one day and run into my soulmate and we will organically vibe and things will go from there. And my soulmate will have the best dick ever and I would never want other dick ever again. 

Its not that I want different dick. It is not my desire to have different people. I really am ok with the same man all the time it is just can that man meet my needs. They all can in the beginning but after some time will they all just fall off and stop fucking me. D never did but we also never lived together, so there is that. 

I am still not all the way done thinking about JF. I have a lot of fairytale ideas about that as well. I am trying to be very logical when it comes to that. 

I talked with this man or really text with this man tonight who describe himself as "hardworking, a provider and a protector".  This gave me a pleasant physical reaction. Just the idea of a man self identifying as a protector was enough to garner interest. This idea that a man is a protector of a women very much ties into my Dom/sub desire and the fundamentals of the feelings that I have about submission. I very much want a man that is hardworking and provides and protects. This sounds like a something that is too hard to find. Do men still even know what it mean to be a protector and a provider. 

Years ago when I was traveling in Wales, we were having out with some local guys and then they were walking us home. I remember even in our drunken state the men were adamant about staying on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road , in case there was an issue they should be closest to the danger to protect me. I had not experienced this level of shivery at this time in my life and I was not even aware of this custom. I think of it often as I walk with my little one last night I and make her walk on the inside of the sidewalk because I will always be her first line of defense against anything dangerous that may come our way. I want a man that makes sure I walk on the inside of the sidewalk. I want a man who puts himself between me and danger. And in our modern world that may mean lots of things but on a very primal level I want that man that will jump between me and tiger if we were cave dwellers. It is so basic of a need for me, what has happened to the man's need to want to protect? My first husband did not have this he was very much about saving himself first. JF has this to and extent. He is the protector but not the provider. He is more of the financial drain. 

This brings me to my Dad. I so vivid remember a time when I was small that I remember my Mom and Dad talking about my Dads company merging and he was not 100% sure he would have a job after the merge. My Mom did not work and we relied on my Dad for all of the financial support. In that year before the merge my Dad got his CDL, he got into the plumbers union, he got into the bricklayers union. He hustled. He knew that he had threw kids and women to take care of and he did everything he could to make sure that our lives were untouched by and financial strain. He ended up never loosing his job but I will never forget this mans ability to take control and prepare for the worst. He did not ask my mom to go to work, he did not wait and see what happened, he fucking lept into action and secured his families future. This is what I want in a man and a partner in life. I want someone that is going to to everything in their power to make thing work, to provide, to protect, to love. I feel like this is the standard I hold men to. This is my idea of what a husband does for his wife and family. It is not for the faint at heart. And this is not to say my Dad was perfect. He was not. He struggled with depression and anger in the same way that I do. I am exactly like him. He was not always a loving and nurturing father but he would die for me and I know that and that makes up for everything else. 

Clearly Defined Desire

 I want to get away from this idea that there is something wrong with me. I feel like with this last guy he made me feel like it was something that was wrong with me and why would I do that. It was very reminiscent of what JF theory on sex is. When we first met he would talk to me about energy transfer of when two people have sex and how I am getting a mans negative energy by fucking with so many people and how that will bring about bad things in my life. Funny thing is I tried just fucking him for some time and that did not bring anything good in my life. 

I really am craving a man that appreciates the more open side of me and can separate sex and love at least when I have sex with other they see that it is not about love. I have really and insatiable need to just be me and I am optimistic that if I am clear with my desires I will find someone who wants the same. To this end I update my dating profile to be very clear about what I want. I do think what I want is coming more and more clear to me as each day passes. 

The old pics from the other day made me so nostalgic for the days I would regularly attend group sex parties and gang bangs. They also helped me see just how much weight I have gained. It is a difficult place for me to be, uncomfortable in my skin. I have never been a small women but I feel like I am not happy where things are at right now and I feel like I have been so powerless to fix it in the last two years because I have been so depressed and so unhappy. Im in the precontemptplation phase of making a change. I feel more mentally strong then I have in such a long time maybe I will have the power to do what I need to now. All I can do it try. 

I spent a significant amount of time in the car today with a mini van full of children. All I could think about what the white guy. I was in my head thinking about him in great detail. The whiteness of his dick, me sucking it, licking it, sucking his balls. It was like a movie in my head. I just had this slight smile on my face as I hear the kids chattering in the back. The thought persisted to recall the moments he touched me and what it felt like when he first slide his body into mine, how he hold my legs and how he talks to me. Even now I find my pussy throbbing a little as I think of him. Now here is the balancer to that. My friend and neighbor were talking the other day about the highlights of 2020 and she had said how this situation with the white guy was one of them and that I fucked him on almost what was like a dare. The guy was just not someone I would ever give a second look at his personality needs some tweaking or at least that was all I ever knew of him from his very limited neighborly contact. And here I am day dreaming about him fucking me and me worshiping his white cock. Something I have learned in life - never say never. I could have never imagine I would have ever been with a white man again before this encounter. And part of me keeps on trucking and sifting through the messages on the dating app because there has got to be a man out there that loves to fuck me and is cool with me fucking other people and has a big dick and also is a man of good character and not broke and does not need me to fix his life. I know I will find him!

Is it Boredom?

 So there has got to be a middle ground dating website that I need to find. I went onto FetLife today and it just feels a little to extreme to me. For example this guy sent me a very long message about eating my ass and how it would be great if my ass happened to smell too. I mean this is not what I am looking for in life. I think some of the BDSM kinks I was into before have left me. I have not been tied up in a long time but it is not something I crave. I am not sure if I would like it or not. I think it would be intense. Although there would need to be a very trusting relationship there to get there and I am not feeling that close to anyone. 

Today I felt some kind of desire to be with someone. I just wanted to be sharing my life with someone. I am not sure how long that will last but at least for a moments while deep in thought at the traffic light I thought that I see the benefit of a real relationship. In my head I am a little bit thinking I wonder if I can sell this open relationship thing to JF. I was in real estate for a hot minute I was not good at the sales part. I always ended up social working people vs. selling, but when I look at the manipulation I have put some men through I would expect I would be much better at sales. 

I guess the African guy from the other night gave up on me. I am a little sad about that again. It mostly is about the ending of an opportunity not the ending of a connection. I am not sure there was really ever a connection. 

I try to get myself off the dating website I am on now. I can not bring myself to do it. All these messages are like a opportunity for me and it is hard to give up on it. What if my next soulmate messaged me and I delete for no reason. What if the man I have been dreaming of is waiting in my inbox for my reply? So much opportunity. I also think about all the connections that don't work out for whatever reason. It is overwhelming at times. I just don't want to miss out on the "holy grail" that I am always seeking. 

Tonight I spent the several hours without looking to amuse myself with the attention of a man. So I thought that was good! Several hours with out trolling the dating website without texting with someone. Just focused on something else. Maybe I am just bored in life? Chronic boredom has always been a thing in my life. So maybe the chronic dick hunger is really just the need for something to amuse me? 

Pics from the Past

 I am so thrilled to be using my new Mac tonight. I finally picked out my computer that was a Christmas gift and picked it up today. So I share that with you because I have been going through old email and such and I found some fun stuff.  I am going to post it at the end of the post, I don't think that they are repeats but they are older pictures. I find it funny to see the way my body has changed over the years.  I am going to post some very poor quality videos as well not for the video but the audio. The audio of my guttural moans as I take some big black cock are hot. I was in my room alone listening to it and my face turned red in embarrassment of just how animalistic I can sound. It brought back some great memories and great times were had with all of these pictures. I was so glad to get some small piece of those days back into my life. 

This first day of 2021 I felt a little sad that the guy I did like from the other night seemed to have gotten the message that I was not going to be monogamous and did not call me or text me today. It is sad  but necessary. That would just be an exercise in futility to try to make that work. Still sad though, perfectly lovely man just I guess not perfect for me.