Money, Money, Money

 This week has just flown by. I want to see my local dick tonight but he is out of town. And I don't have the mental energy or desire to go through the rigamarole of finding someone to fuck and showering and getting dressed and then going to meet them, praying to God that they are not an asshole and their dick will be worth my time. So I am here watching Modern Family and enjoying sitting in my bed by myself. I have really turned a corner from where I was a few months ago. However I know how this cycle works, I know that the aggressive sexual drive will return without warning. 

Part of my lack of desire to find a man this evening is this conversation I had with D. D has been calling me all week from a strange number, so I have been ignoring the call. Yesterday on a whim I decided to take the call, it was him. He was calling me from work because his phone got shut off. So he really asked me for money for his phone. Now as a woman who like immigrant men I know that the struggle is real and that sometimes money is tight. And I do not value people based on their financial status. Money is just not a thing that is important to me, but I did give D money last year and it is clear that he is not going to be able to pay me back and to be honest I would never have given him money if I expected it back. And not for nothing you are a grown ass man and I am a single mom of three, and one of those three is your daughter that you literally have never contributed one cent to taking care of...so how in your fucking head do you get the balls to ask me for money? I have never asked any man for money. I have asked for child support, but never have I asked for money from any man. In fact I have never asked for money from anyone. My parents have helped me out but I never even asked them, they just offer. I just would take a second job or sell things I have before I would ask someone for money. I remember when I first met JF, the first night we hung out, he offered me money for gas as I was leaving. I was offended, why would someone think that I need $20 for gas money? I understand now that this is a cultural thing that happens but I could never imagine taking money from a man for gas money to coming to see them. So this kind of asking me for money disgusts me. And just a few months ago I would have given him the money, but he still has no power over me. I recognized his attitude change and even the change in his voice as he tries to sweet talk me as he is telling me about his situation, I simply replied "I am not in the position to help with that right now". I am proud of myself and this place that I am with him, with all men really. I don't give a fuck anymore about these men, like deep down to my core I am just using these men like I want them to use me. And it is such a freeing place to be. Now if I can only filter out the ill-mannered fucks out of my life that would really improve things. I was thinking about my recent experience with men and sucking on their nipples (I'm trying not to vomit as I think about it). I am very mad with myself I did not tell them no. So good for me for trying something different but there was something about the femininity of the way they wanted me to suck their nipples that disgusted me. It just felt out of place with both the men. The neighbor guy likes that but it is not like I have to do it constantly or even every time and it just feels natural in the moment. Im still having flashbacks to that one night. All I can do is shake my fucking head...never again as long as I live will I be doing that shit or anything that I am not into for that matter. 

I was also thinking about that guy I fucked in his truck. He never contacted me again. He got on my nerves and I did not want to fuck him again but why the hell did he not call me? That shit kind of bothers me. 

I was thinking about that one guy I fucked in the hotel that fucked me hard and fast and I describe as violent and I loved it. He read the blog and the the things I wrote were not a 100% positive and we talked about it but he never called me again. I am ok with that but I want to know why. That is really my issue, I want the feedback to know what I can do better because I want to make people happy. I not only want them happy but I want them salivating over the pussy. I want them wondering when they can have it again, I want to be wanted but I also want to deny them sometimes. I sound like such a bitch. I want the feedback but I also don't know if I could handle it. I know when I have disappointed D I feel like shit.  The feeling lingers with me for awhile. 

JF still in the hospital. I have talked to him a lot this week, and not like deep conversations though. He has been on a lot of drugs to deal with the pain, but I kinda like the contact with him. I am glad he is not here though, I would be mad at him if he was in my house again. It is such push pull dynamic. I want and don't want at the same time its weird and I am not sure how to move away from it. In my head I want to be with JF, and I want him to treat me how he used to and I want to have any dick I want too. I have some hope that I can make that work. I am pretty good at getting people to cooperate with me but its a hard ask. 

I've been thinking a lot today. I was thinking about my mental health and what a different place I am in since I had the TMS treatment. I can not even believe how much better I feel and mentally stronger. Maybe all the aggressive sex was me trying to make myself happy or at least find something to keep my attention and keep me alive. I feel really was in a bad place, the further I get from it the more I see just how bad it was. 

So Close

 Things are picking back up in the fucking department. I let B come over today. He is the black guy with the white guy demeanor that is good at spanking and slapping and making me feel powerless. He is ex-military and educated. I like him. However, last time he came over there were issues with the condom and staying hard with the condom. Last time we overcome those issues but today we could not. He wanted badly to fuck me with out a condom. He was between my legs, sucking on my nipples and I could feel his dick brushing up against my pussy. I was firmly holding him back with my legs closed just enough he could not get to me but as he swiftly pinned my wrists down and then grabbed me by my throat I felt my legs loosening up. It was not long until I relaxed and my fat wet pussy was centimeters from his dick. I was really expecting him to put that dick in me, but he did not. So I have to say I have a ton of respect for men that exercise this level of control. I mean as they should, but shit I know myself there were moments there that I would not be able to say no to the raw dick. It was so close. While I laid there in the bed with this military man between my legs I was brought back to my experience yesterday. I certainly used my visuals of the soldiers yesterday to fuel me today. I ended up "calling it" when I had enough. I still had work todo and it just was not going anywhere. I feel like men of a certain age should just have viagra on stand by. Life is hectic and hard and who wants to worry about getting your dick hard when you want it. The neighbor guy says he just takes a "piece" of one, not even a whole, and he shows up with a hard dick. We did end up having a lovely conversation, which surprised me. We ended up talking politics and travel and all kinds of things and I thought to myself, "Wow, I like really enjoy talking to this guy". It was really refreshing and really made me think maybe there is a man out there that I can like to talk to and enjoy his company. It was out of character for me not to be overly disappointed by the dick issues, but he did make me cum and I did do some pre-gaming before he got there as I watched one of those videos of D fucking me. I am really into the sound of it. Oh the sound of me getting fucked so intensely is fucking amazing!

So tonight, I was in the other room for like 3 minutes while my son was in my room. I walk back in the room to find him swimming a fucking dildo around like a fucking magic wand. My face dropped but I quickly took it from him and told him not to play with my things, when he asked what it was I told him it was for exercising. Oh my god. I don't know if I am going to survive this kid. He is my difficult one and now all I can think of is that he did not know what that was today, but one day he will and one day he will remember that moment and he will realize what went down here tonight. 

This guy J, text me to come over tonight. I like him, I've seen him a couple of times and he is nice and I like that. At first I was trying to make it work. The kids are all here tonight and that makes it hard with the older one, but I told him let me think about it. This is where I get all submissive and I feel like I don't want to disappoint him by telling him no. I don't know why I have such a desire to please even when it is to my detriment. I thought about it for about and hour and went back and fourth on it, but I did end up telling him I could not do it tonight, but I do kinda of want a big black cock tonight. 

So JF might be coming back tomorrow. The doctor said it just depends on how he responds tomorrow if he will need impatient physical therapy. It has been such a cluster fuck of trying get him the things that he needs. He is in a hospital that is in not a great area, because it was a trauma hospital and better equipped to care for him. I can't go in to bring what he needs because of COVID but they let you drop stuff off at the front. Ive been there every night this week. The security guards, the people answering the phones are very ghetto for lack of a more appropriate term. For example, one very nice women told me to bring the stuff to the outpatient desk because the security guard in the Emergency Department was a pain in the ass, she said it like it was not a big deal she just called her co-worker a pain in the ass to me.  I find myself feeling very aggravated with the way they speak to me though, and she was right the security guard was a pain in the damm ass. The fucking bitch last night told me "shit happens differently here every night" when I said "Im sorry, they took it here last night so I thought that was the process.  I don't know if it because I am white or because I am difficult and trying to advocate for JF from afar with very little success and I got some underlying bitch tone, but I have had a fucking enough of that shit. 

Maybe there will be some dick in my future tomorrow. I feel like tomorrow will be like the last time I can have company for awhile. 

Soldiers Everywhere

 Today I went to get my Covid Vaccine. I went to one of the mega sites. The experience was something I don't think I will ever forget. There was a lot of people there, a steady flow of people, now that I think back on it I don't think I saw any black people. Before you get out of the parking lot to walk in there are two police officers checking your appointment confirmation and your id. And the shuffle you off in to the maze of coned offed, roped off or guard managed pathways. It was sort of like Disney World, in the way that when you are at Disney you get in the line and the line itself is so long and has so many distractions that you walked a 1/2 miles to get to the ride entrance and you did not even realize it. There are so many national guard soldiers everywhere. I was first struck by the sheer numbers of them everywhere and then I starting to notice how it was making me feel. I liked this feeling. It was institutional and you felt helpless, you were herded like cattle and if you stepped off the path or even hesitated you were reminded "follow the arrows please". I started looking at these men in uniform with some desire. One by one as I past them or stopped at their station I began to think about their dick. I would try to guess who would have the biggest dick. The soldiers were also almost all white. I saw maybe two mixed guys and only one black guy. The line was moving pretty fast but it did give me some time to think about these men. I have my period, which I know most men are not into, but this aspect lit up my fantasy today. I imagined one of them sternly directing me off the path, into an unused hallway. He friend would join him and they would escort me to an empty room far away from all the people. I did not quite work out the details of what they would say to me but I have the image of me feeling humiliated because they are forcing me to take my clothes off and I have my period and I don't want them to know this. The visual is me in this empty classroom on the desk, on my back with my knees bent when the first man comes over to me with an already hard dick and slides his bare white cock in to my pussy. I just keep seeing solider after solider saunter in the door, I look down and my thighs are bloody and they just keep using me. The intensity of the desire to have this massive amount of soldiers fuck me was keeping me deep in thought as they ushered me through the line. I never really got any further than that in my head but it was a very good fantasy. When I got to the car I noted the time, the whole trip was 35 minutes of steady walking, and maybe 5 of that was standing to get checked in and about 1 minute for the vaccine. I checked my phone it was 2,000 steps. It seems excessively long. Im always thinking about disabled people or even my mom navigating that, she would have struggled. I think they could have planned that just a little bit better, in my opinion. 

The other day I was talking to a co-worker via zoom. She was telling me about this crime about using women pictures and talking about raping them. I got to be honest I was not paying all that much attention to the details but I remembered that as she talked about this rape stories this guy was posting online I though I have to make sure I fix my face. I need to make sure I have the proper amount of disgust on my face while this women talks about how horrible it is for this man to post stories about raping women on line. This particular case there was more to it than that but I felt like such horrible woman as I post my own stories about rape online. The struggle is real sometimes trying to fit into a vanilla world. 

So, JF, is still in the hospital. I have been bringing him what he needs still. I still don't know what is going to come of this injury or his living situation or any of it. The plan is now is for him to go to a rehab facility for two weeks after the surgery, from there I don't know. His surgery is tomorrow. I talked to him today. I wanted to tell him I love him, but I don't want him to feel obligated to say it back. I thought hard about should I say or not say it but in the end I did not say it and I did not text it and took solace that he should know that I love him based on all the things that I do for him. When he fell he called 911 and then me and asked me to come be with him, who does that if you do not love each other, right? 

Im starting to feel a little more desire creep back. I feel my pussy throb sometimes and I know what is coming. I know that the hunger with will be back very soon. I am already thinking about in my head who I want to see.

Fuck Me Like D

 All the stars aligned today and I was able to see the neighbor for a good fuck today. This meant that I had to get my friend who is also my neighbor to watch my youngest for me and tell her why I needed some childcare help. She was happy to help. I dropped off my daughter and rushed back home to get a shower. He requested that I shave my pussy. It is always trimmed but he wanted it shaved...I ready for whatever he wants. So I shave for him and I unlock the door for him and he comes in. Its been a long time since I have seen him. He gets undressed, his dick is already hard and it looks amazing. He gets in my bed and I suck his dick and his balls and lick his ass. I am surprised by my excitement to do these things. There is something about licking a mans ass that does not feel totally comfortable with me but I do like the transfer of power in this moment. This is not something that I am used to doing. If I am being honest really only D and the neighbor. As much as I was excited to make him happy when he asked me if I was ready for his dick I was ready. I told him I wanted to get in the bed and I wanted him on top of me. I wanted him on me, he climbed in the bed and put his hand on my throat as he slide his fat dick in my shaven pussy. He fucks me D- style today. Hard vigorous fucking and my cervix is low because I have my period and at one point I yelled "ow" and he stopped and I quickly told him not to stop. He is much more gentle with me then D. I feel like it was D when I first met him and he was unsure of my limits. 

 I was hungry for the dick, when ever he took a break from thrusting I would quickly pick up the rhythm and start fucking him. Then there was anal. Anal always hurts but he had one hand on my clit and one hand in my pussy and he pushed his dick in my ass and I did not have the pain that I usually have. It was good. Now I was not able to take like I want, but he was able to get it in further then before. And I liked it. I was impressed with myself because his dick is big and I did not even cry this time. We fucked longer than we usually do. If I had to guess I would say he took viagra before he came over, it was really good. It really was what I needed. He did say I seems extra horny today and also I was louder than usually, he put his hand over my mouth at a one point. I like the noise, he likes to talk some while his dick is in me, I like to close my eyes and let whatever noise that wants to come out of my mouth come out. He finished fucking me and pulled out and came on my shaven pussy. He took a pic, but I do not like it so it won't make the blog. We talked a little bit about how difficult marriage and dating and he left and I got a shower to wash his cum off of me and that was that. 

In other news, my ex and I have been getting along well, since he moved out again. However today he fell and broke his leg and broke some serious bones in his leg. I just got off the phone and the nurse is telling me a 6-8 month recovery. OMG. So who is going to take care of him? I can't not take care of him, but good lord 6-8 months of him in my house. I feel like crying. Im not sure what to even say at this point. This is what you do for people you love even when they are a pain in your ass. I want to cry. This is very upsetting to me. I immediately push aside all the feelings I have and I just take care of him. Ive been to the hospital twice today to bring him food and his phone charger. I have spent more time talking to him encouraging him, listening to him then I have in a very long time. I feel bad but my biggest concern is how is he going to be recovering here and I will have my dick. It is a real concern of mine. 

There has been a lot of texts today from men. There are some men I want to see but they're getting frustrated with me, they don't say this but I can tell. It is just not been an easy couple of weeks. I have been feeling really introspective and it is hard to get into slut mode when you are thinking about making life choices. 

More Videos

 Today has been such a delightful day. This morning JW text me to tell me that videos of me were on this website. He sent me the link. It is amazing! There on my screen were videos that I have longed to see for the last ten years. I have not even watched them all yet. He said there was like 6 videos. I watched one which was a guy I called "young boy" because he was 20 years old when we started fucking and I was 31. I would meet him at 7am before I went to work and get fucked. He also was the man I thought was my 2nd childs father. To catch up on that story you need to go back to posts from 2011. He was a good fuck and I watched this video of him fucking me today I thought to myself how I missed him. Unfortunately he lacked basic human decency and when we both thought he had gotten me pregnant we were not happy but he took it to a new level. I ended up having to go to the police. They threatened him with a restraining order if he did not stop harassing me and he did at that point. But the fucking videos brought me back to the good times. He was just too young to know better. This is part of the problem with young men. They very often don't have manners or basic human decency when faced with the stress of real life problems. This sometimes means they are unfuckable just because their unpredictable behavior is too much of a liability. 

I am getting better at picking out the qualities of an asshole man when I see it. One thing I can not tolerate is a man who gets sarcastic if they have not heard from me. I am so clear and articulate about the fact that time is a rare commodity in my life. If you are going to get your feelings hurt because you have been on the back burner for a few weeks then I am not the girl for you. Today this guy I have been talking to for maybe 3 months text me. I did not want to ignore his text but I was busy working but I still wanted to connect. I still want to fuck him but things have been complicated for me lately. I respond with  "...I am not feeling in a real slut mood lately...". His response was he understood. See that is a keeper. A man that understands that life is complicated and life really can't be dick every day of the week. Or even if he did not understand he was smart enough not to say shit to me about it. Nothing will have me delete someone faster than some needy man bullshit. If me as a women is not whining at you for your attention then don't come at me as a man want me to stroke your ego and make you feel wanted. 

Then there was a video of me and D. Oh Dear God, D would beat my ass if he knew this video was on the internet. He is an old school island man and he does not want shit to do with the internet. I have not even watched it but as soon as I saw it I was instantly brought back to that room, that night, those times. It was amazing. 

JF moved out of my house again, if you calling it moving. He did not really have anything here anyway, but he is not staying here. I can not stand him when he is here and when he is gone I miss him. Someone please tell what the fuck do I do with that? He comes and goes here often because the kids are here and tonight he came by before he went to work and I offer him dinner and I feel happy about that and happy to see him. I love him. I really love him but I swear to God I have never hated a man more than him when he is in my house. A Lot of it has to do with money. I feel like he does not contribute because he does not and it makes me angry, like a deep down visceral anger that I can not always control. I stop treating him with any respect. In that sense he is right a lot of our problems are me, but I feel taken advantage of and that makes me angry. I don't know what the future will look like for us or even if JF will stay in this country but I do feel a bit more peace that at least I told him how I feel and that he is not living in this house anymore. My baby girl was in tears tonight asking for him, as she does every night before she falls asleep. He is working but if he was not he would have come to be with her. For what it is worth he does put the kids first sometimes. 

Now onto the videos. The joy these have brought me tonight is profound!

Young Boy - I really like this video. I like the vibe of this guy, he makes me feel used!

D fucking Me - I am so thrilled I have these videos of D

D Again

D Fucking Again

Sucking D - This video made me laugh. This was back in the day when I still gave a shit. I had earrings on and a low cut shirt on. It was like I was actually trying, lol. At that time Im not sure I realized that D would fuck me dirty and wearing a garbage bag. 

Feels so Good

 Jf and I have not really spoke since our argument the other day. He said he was leaving, I talked to him about being there for the kids and we have just be existing together for the last few days. He never did leave. It is because he has no where to go. Seems to me if you have no place to go you probably should shut your mouth about how you are leaving every time something does not go your way. Last night he tried to talk to me and told me I need to apologize. I very clearly told him that was not going to happen. That I was upset with him,  I had every right to be upset with him and that I was not sorry for anything that I said. He thinks I am kidding when I say he needs to change. He clearly did not change when the first thing out of his mouth is "I'm leaving this house" as soon as he does not like what I have to say. There is no commitment, it is like he just is biding his time. Which is fine but he will have to find somebody else's house to suck up space in because this shit is not working for me. He helps out sometimes but the most of what he does is sit on his ass and speak to people in Africa and watch the African News. Today he would be home 2 hours while the kids were home from school before he needed to go to work. What did he do with that 2 hours, spent it on the phone with someone from Africa and cooking his food. He paid no attention to the kids. Again it just felt like he was a visitor here and not like an actual part of the family. 

I am really done. I talk to my youngest a little bit about how her dad was only going to stay with us for a little bit and then he would live someplace else. She cried for a minute but I reassured her that he loves her. I don't say he will be there for her because I don't think he will.  I don't say you will see him because I don't think she will. I think he will fade into his life in Africa and will be a poorer excuse for a father than he has been. 

I was feeling stressed about this today and I know I wanted some relaxation. I text the local guy. He was happy to have me come over. I get a shower and head over to his house. We talk a few minutes as we walk the the five flights of stairs (3rd floor - its killing me). He just gets undressed and I grab his dick with my cold hands and I begin to suck it. So his dick is not huge so I can suck all of it, sometimes it gags me a little bit. But I was enjoying the dick sucking. I was listening to me moan and thought to myself how this is making me happy. I eventually stopped and took my pants off and climbed into the bed and spread my legs to he could suck on my clit. He had asked me for things I would like him to do and he followed all my instructions. I like that. He was more aggressive with in and I came several times. I almost feel like I am getting more orgasms then I should and our encounter is off balance. He is ready to fuck me, I move my ass down to the end of the bed and he grabs my ankles and starts fucking me. It feels so good. Again the good fucking with a reasonable sized dick, is good. He slaps my tits and my face a few times, I feel him getting more and more into it and I can feel his dick growing inside of me as he is slapping me. He finally comes and I stand up weary and unsteady and blissfully in the zone. I put my panties on and delicately try to get my pants on and not fall over, as my legs are still shaking from the orgasm. He gets dressed, we have friendly chat as I walk out and down the five flights of stairs and he says have a good night to me and walk out of his apartment like I was there to drop something off or something. I like that casual catch you later vibe, no hugs no nothing, just that head nod and I will see you when I see you!. In his case I might see him tomorrow if I can make it happen. 

I still want to see the neighbor but his work schedule is crazy this week. I don't think it can happen, but I still want it to. 

Im still thinking about JF. He makes things so hard for me and his kids. It is kind of crazy the bullshit I have tolerated and he still does not see it. I am looking forward to him getting out of my house again. 

I don't mind if he is here hanging with kids, but like laying on my couch on facebook for talking to people in Africa, he needs to take that shit somewhere else. 

Done at 2

 I was too wound up yesterday to really explore my time with D. Some thoughts about him kept creeping into my mind today. I thought about how a really let myself be immersed in his touch. Sometimes I am quick to move him from one place to another, like from my clit to my tits or change a deep position. But yesterday I mentally talked myself through it and allowed myself to go through the uncomfortable parts and get to the please. I thought about how yesterday it was me who initiated us leaving. I think we fucked 5 times, but I really was ready to go after 2. Each time in my head I thought to myself, "alright I am halfway there"or "only 2 more times to go". I think that is strange. His dick is big and he fucks really well with it so I feel so satisfied I feel like why do I need to go on. I just have orgasm after orgasm so sometimes I just feel done. And I had a lot of shit to do  this weekend. It is a far cry from the gang bangs of the past where I could take lots of dick and I still think I could do that but Im kinda like what's the point? I don't feel any better fucking 5 times vs 2, and sex with him is sometimes difficult. He likes to fuck like he does not have a big dick and sometimes the pain is intense when he wants to go too deep. He is not a lover I would say who pays attention to my body cues or even the words I say. He does play with my clit a lot but after awhile that stimulation can just be irritating, but he does not stop he just keeps going. And yes sometimes I still cum after I tell him to stop, so I can imagine it is confusing to him. But sometimes the irritation is not worth the orgasm. I like pain sometimes but there is a certain amount of pain that feels good. It is a fine line and it just not one he is good with. 

With other men I fuck I rarely feel like I am done. I don't think I have thought to myself that I did not want more dick once in the last few months of my dick spree. It is a new thing for me not to have sex without the pain. I feel like I just have gotten so used to his rough fucking that I have forgotten how much just regular fucking can be. 

For example, this new local guy, the dick does not hurt at all, he can fuck me hard and it will not hurt me at all. And I feel like I could fuck him a lot. I could fuck 10 more like that. Even the neighbor guy whose dick is a good size does not hurt me like D does. Enough about that though. 

We fucked and now that I have this IUD he finally gets to cum in me. I did like it this time. It was the extra time of him being inside of me while he is in that moment of orgasm I like, and then feeling is limp dick slide out of my body. 

After we fucked we talked, and I did tell him JF was back - he asked and I am just not good at lying. He did not show any emotions at the moment but he asked some good questions and all of a sudden I started crying. Oh how I was crying, tears were just pouring from my eyes. It felt good to cry and there is something for me about be able to cry with someone that feels good to me. It is like someone gets me in that moment. The crying was incited but the thoughts of the kids and their Dad, not my desire for JF. He just laid there. Not that I needed him to touch me or console me but jesus a pat on the arm would have been a nice touch. I think 15 seconds from time time I stopped crying, he slide down and slide his dick back inside of me. I soon forgot about what I was crying about. I don't think he even waited for me to finish crying, I think that was just coincidence. 

A long time ago I remember a skit from Mad TV,  where this guy is relentlessly trying to fuck his wife who has the flu. It is sometimes how I feel with D. I could be leaning over the bed vomiting and he would be behind me with his dick in me.I have always felt this way with D. It is the main hesitation I have about living with him. Seriously there are times in life when you just don't want to have sex and I don't know if he would ever accept that. Like tonight for example, I have not had a shower, my body is tired but I know if he was here none of this would matter to him and he would be frustrated if I did not comply.  FLU Sex Link 

Valentines Day in my house was all about painting this new bedroom in the house. I worked all day on that. I was exhausted. I came up stairs to get a shower and realize that my damm hot water heater is broken again. (This time it really died vs needing a reset). I clean myself as best as I could with an ice cold wash cloth and then headed to the Home Depot. I had to return some unused lumber tonight. With the plumber coming in the morning to replace the hot water heater I needed to clean the basement so he could work down there. JF did help clean the basement and loaded all the lumber into the minivan. I got there and got the cart and loaded like 25 2x4s on the cart and went to push it and I was like shit this is really heavy. However more than it being heavy I noticed that I was weak. This is the part that I don't like about my body. I have never been so weak in my life. I have been overweight for as long as I can remember but weak is new. I did eventually get the cart of lumber into the store but good lord I struggled. If a man would have offered to do it for me I would have gladly accepted his offer. 

The man coming to fix the hot water heater tomorrow is my regular repair man I use for my rental property and my house. He is cheap and does great work and lately I have seen a lot of him. He made this really strange comment today that made me feel like he might be interested in more. It made me laugh a little bit to myself. I can't not see myself with this man at all but of course I could not see myself with a white man at all 3 months ago and I could not see myself with the two particular white men I have been seeing at all. We never know where life will take us the might just been the heater guy might be my next adventure. 

Bad Bitch

 Just a few short days ago I wrote while I laid in bed next to JF and I had so much hope but I was also not optimistic. Tonight I am alone in my room and I am not sad about that. I actually feel like a bad bitch tonight. I feel powerful and in control and I fucking like it. I have moved on from the sadness I felt about the kids and their Dad. I have really adopted the theory that I can not make him love his kids the way that I want him to and I have let it go... at least for tonight I feel like I am able to let it go. This trial run really was so much about the kids. If my youngest was older I don't think I would have even given it a second thought, but as we firm up our lives apart I feel 100% confident that I did all that could, I gave all that could, and I forgave all I could and in the end it was not enough but I did my best. 

I immediately look forward and I think about our friendship, our coparent relationship how we will interact together. I am good at this, I should do a TED Talk about this because I kill it in the co-parent arena. I move slowly with things I don't give into my urges to inflict emotional pain. I just love the person in the place that they are because where they are in their life is no longer my problem. Even this evening I was making dinner and I was happy to make food for him. I knew he did not eat all day and I want my kids to know and see that I love him and that he loves me and that we love them. There will never be hateful spiteful negative behavior in my relationships. D pointed out to me that means I have and will continued to be taken advantage of and to a degree I agree I will be taken advantage of from time to time. I can live with that though. I can't live with treating someone I love with anything but love. But to be clear I am ready for him to get out of my house though :) 

I did go see D today. We met half way between our homes. We walk into the room and we begin to undress and get into the bed. I take my place sucking his dick and he rubs my back. I am enjoying his touch and I am liking his dick. It did not get hard as fast as it usually does. I was surprised but I kept sucking the dick. Eventually we go where we needed to go and we both sense it is time and move synchronously into position. He dick did not seem to be so amazing as I always think of it being. For some reason if just felt good but not giant. My eyes did fill with tears as he slowing worked in all the way in but still it was just a little different today. We did a lot of old school fucking. No anal, just fucking and him filling me up with cum over and over and over again.  My body does not feel beat up tonight like it usually does and for that I am grateful, I do feel totally fulfilled and feeling like I won't need sex for a good few days. I even felt powerful with D today. I was excited to see him and I hugged him hard and told him I missed him, which I did, but I don't feel tied to the idea that I need him in my life. I am pretty content just seeing him a couple hours a month and keeping it moving. I love him to but I don't do love with no boundaries anymore. 

I reached out to the neighbor about seeing me this week he said "we will figure it out". I am looking forward to that. 

Hard Days

 It has been a difficult week in my house. I have been feeling all the feels about my current living situation. JF and I had sex that one time and then that is it. He has been trying and I see that but I feel a lot of anger with him. Literally everything that he does makes me mad. It feels like he is isolating himself. He is not even really interacting with the the kids like I want him to. It is all very much like he is emotionless and just going through the motions. He lays around on the couch a lot. He watches the news a lot. He talks to me a little bit but not like casual conversation. He does not talk to me like he wants to talk to me. He talks to me like it is obligation. He touches me like it is an obligation not from desire. It does not feel like he has missed me, he don't think he missed me at all. I don't know what to make of all of it. I think he loves me. I know he loves me but I don't know that he likes me. I don't know if I like him. I know I love him and I want to like him enough to make living together bearable, but I don't think I do. I am so angry that I am in this position and that I have to make these big life changing choices. I want so badly to want to be with this man because I want my babies to have their father but I don't think I can do it. I do think I would rather be alone everynight then live in a relationship where I feel like I am not desired. I don't want to feel tolerated by this man I want to feel loved and wanted by him. I want to be loved and wanted even when I behave badly and even when I yell at him. I want unconditional love or I want nothing at all. I can't live in this house and feel like he is just here out of convenience  or out of obligation or out of lack of other better options in the world. And part of me is a little bit like Fuck him if he does not want to be part of these children's lives. They are amazing people and he should be fighting to be with them as much as possible. I should not be begging this man to live in this country so the kids can see and know their only father. 

I did say I was hopeful but I was not optimistic. Today I am resigned to this will not work out. He said he will be leaving my house tomorrow. I want to lay in bed with him and touch him but I still want him to leave. He said to me "my presence here is good for the kids but it is not good for you". He is absolutely correct. It has not been good for me. I can't help but feel constant rejection and anger with him. I don't trust him, I don't believe him, I don't respect him as a father or even as a man. I think he is weak minded. He talks a lot about he wants to live in peace and his faith in God and how he does not want conflict but I think it is all an easy out for him. Life has conflict you can not escape it. You must learn to deal with conflict and work through conflict.

Oh my, I am emotionally exhausted. This is a lot to handle. Im going to see D tomorrow. I am looking forward to the time of my body being in bliss and my mind not needing to think about all the shit that is going on. I did not tell D that JF is back. I don't think I am going to. It is not worth it. I just want to lay with him and enjoy that time I have with him. 

Girlfriends

 Ok, so clearly monogamy is not going to be my thing. It is going to be a virtue that I will never be able to obtain and Im not going to try. Wednesdays is a day I like to go to my friends house and talk shit with no kids around. We talk about so much and I tell her all my dirty whore secrets and she does not judge me at all. I love it. It is so good for me. I told her about how I fucked the local guy and I did not feel guilty about it and how I don't know how I will be monogamous with JF. In her very wise way she began to tell me how she did not think that it is good for me to stop what it is that I am doing. She pointed out of the differences in my personality since I have been going out to see men again and how she said "even the way you walk is different". It makes you so happy and it is obvious, I think you need to just have your relationship with JF and keep doing what I do on the side. This is advice coming from a woman who was cheated on and knows the sting of non-monogamy but she knows the joy and peace it brings me. Thats right, I said peace. Now of course not all the time. I have had to kiss plenty of frogs to get the prince but once I find one I like it brings me so much joy. I don't want to and I don't think I should cut the piece of me out. And like a girlfriend she said "I will be your cover", she has my back. Oh the sisterhood of a good girlfriend is priceless!

So I went out to see the local guy again tonight. I feel like the tide is turning and white men might be my thing right now. I can not stress enough how much basic manners and education matter to me with men. It is such a turn on for a man to be articulate and smart and have manners that make you feel comfortable in their company. This local guy he makes me comfortable and he is happy to suck my clit until I cum and then we fuck and then I go. It is really nice! He even seems to have a side that is able to get down with other things I like, but we are still just getting to know each other. I can legit see myself stopping by there a lot. 

As I drove home tonight I did look at the neighbor guys house and feels some pangs of desire as I miss the way he fucks me. I just like the way he makes me feel, like I can totally see me meeting him somewhere just so I can suck his dick for him. That is how he makes me feel, like I want to make him happy. 

Things with JF are tenuous. It is a very emerging situation here. For example, he did a load of laundry and he left it in the dryer, I needed the dryer so I threw all the shit on the floor, because I am not doing your laundry. Laundry is something I do for a man that is doing something for me. I ask him to get it out of the hallway, but he has no place to put it and I am not ready to make space in drawers for him or make space in my closet. I feel like he needs to earn his way back. There are some things that I can not just let go of yet. I am hoping the more we talk about things and the more I see positive changes that I can let those things go. I need to work on forgiveness and really forgiving. Together or not together I need to work on forgiveness. 

Although tonight while I was out and with my friend he did nothing in the house. He did not have our son do his chores, he did not do snacks with the kids, he did not clean up anything. It was like he was not there at all. I told him "you deal with it" when my very hyperactive 8 year old was out of control. He does deal with it but why do I have to fucking tell you to parent. Is it not fucking obvious to him? Truly I am operating with the belief that all men with fail to live up to my expectations and that all men will require that I sacrifice something. And is it not better to deal with him than D because I know at least JF....maybe I don't know. That statement stopped me right in my tracks. I am thinking about a lot lately, like I said this is a very much emerging situation. 

Last thing. I met this guy last week, I don't know if I even talked about him here. I think I did, the one that drives the BMW. He is legit crazy. He really text me out of the blue today to tell me not to text him again. I feel like I dodged a bullet with that one. There were for sure some red flags, but I should have known better then to even meet him. I have to be more mindful of that. There are a lot of nice people out there in the world and I find most men just want to play and have a good time, but there is always the fucking assholes in the bunch that ruin it for everyone else. 

Dirty Whore

 I was not ready to have sex with JF. I was nervous and feeling like sex was too emotionally raw to do it. This  was not sex like with a stranger where I can just close my eyes and enjoy. I had to work through the feelings and allow him to get close enough to me to touch me. I was overwhelmed with the thought of the sex, when it was going to happen, how it would feel, would I be able to do it. I told him lets just do it now. I am feeling to much anxiety lets just do it. It is awkward. I am not sure he even wants to he seems to comply but not out of lust or desire but out of obligation. I suck his dick after a few minutes, something that makes me feel weird. Sucking dick for a stranger a-okay...sucking dick for a man I love makes me get all confused. Is it love or lust and can it just be a dick suck and leave it at that. I suck the dick even though it makes me feel small. He touches me a little bit but not like I want him to take me. We have the sex. It is over, we lay together. Laying wrapped in his arms felt good. That part I liked a lot. The was glad the sex part was out of the way. Im not saying I won't have to go through the motions all over again the next time we do it but at least I know that I can still do it with him. That was stressing me out, what if we made this effort to try again and I could not bring myself to have sex with him... ugh. 

I already had a plan to meet with the local guy (a new one) today, so I was really wanting to do that. It seemed like I wanted to and in my mind I still kinda of feel like I can do what ever I want. I have an income property and I was showing an apartment to a guy last night. I know this guys mom very well. He is mixed. I have not seen him in probably 10 years. He is good looking and polite and brought up well. While we were in the apartment together I totally thought to myself, as he told me he was single, that I am going to be over here fucking you in this apartment. We chatted apartment stuff and he left. Now I was on my way to meet this new guy. The time worked out perfectly. I did not feel guilty. I felt invigorated. I felt this thrill and excitement about this dick that I had not felt in awhile. It has nothing to do with the man but more of the control I am exercising over my life. 

This is horrible but in my mind I feel like I still want to punish JF for his actions and this feels like what I am doing. It is not like I even needed sex, I just wanted to go fuck this guy. I realize that for this to work I have to get in a place of forgiveness, real forgiveness and let some shit go but baby steps. Marriage or marriage like relationships are not something you fix over night it is a long term process. 

 I went to the local guys house, he is white and lives in a luxury apartment and is not someone that I would ever see myself with. Although I liked his energy. He was friendly and polite. I asked him to just tell me what to do but he was not great with directions. He made me comfortable enough and I told him to sit on the bed while I suck his dick. He likes the dick sucking and almost cums in my mouth just before I stop. I get into the bed and he sucks on my clit. I have been waiting for the clit sucking for a long time. I need him to suck it harder but it feels so good I leave it be and just enjoy the leg shaking orgasms that follow. No squirting though, his bed was so nice I would have felt bad if that had happened. I feel like I need to ask him if he has a waterproof cover on his bed. All adults should have a waterproof mattress cover. The dick was good. His dick is not particularly big but felt good and what I really liked is the way he grabbed me hard as he was getting ready to cum. Him and I did not discuss a lot before I came over so he does not now about my desire to be roughed up a little but I think he has it in him. 

The first time I asked D to slap me he refused. Out and out refused. He said he could never hit a women like that...LOL now he loves it. 

I came home and slipped back into family life with out hitch. It was not weird at all, I did not feel guilty I felt good. I felt like I was taking care of my needs and doing what I know that I need to do for me. I still need to talk to JF about it. I don't want to live a life of lies. I want him to be open to me getting what I need from whoever I need it from. It is a big ask but I think I need that in order to make things work. 

I am going to post the video and pic from the other night. I was not going to but JW convinced me to send to him and he seemed to like it. I don't know who I am kidding I know that I am not a small women but in their video it was really in my face and I think like some of the other videos of me sucking dick are easier for me to accept because it does not feel like I am such a dirty whore taking some random guys dick, but in this video it is exactly how I feel like a dirty whore taking some random guys dick. Enjoy!

Second Chances

 There is a whole man sleeping in my bed next to me as I write tonight. I slowly and cautiously have agreed to work on things with JF again. I am not feeling real optimistic but still hopeful that some how love will bring us back together to where we were. 

As he got home last night and I began to have all the feelings I did realize how much I have missed him. Him as a person, him as a man, him as my lover, him as my partner. There are so many things I have missed about him and there are a few I did not. We have had some serious conversations about what was not working before and where things fell off. One of the factors of me agreeing to try this again is that I recognize I was in a deeply depressed and angry state when I asked him to leave. I don't know if I could acknowledge at the time but it was more my mental health state then anything else that was creating this divide between us. It was not all me, of course, but I feel like because I can see now the deep suffering I was going through internally I can not look at the situation the same way. Since I had the TMS therapy I feel like I am seeing thing so much more clearly. So if we decide to end our relationship after this I will feel 100% confident that I did all I can do, and with a sound mind and clear head acknowledge that we were just not meant to be. 

All these men I have seen and tried to date and get to know I have felt not even one pang of love and rarely lust. I felt indifferent. I was using them like they were only on this earth to bring me pleasure and I did not care to get to know them. The only men that gave me butterflies are unavailable to me (JW & T &D). However the thought of JF coming back yesterday made me joyful. I could not help but notice my whole body was full of joy and that I was excited to have him back . I am also tired of sleeping with random men with mediocre dick. I don't like the feeling I feel after when I have to wash off their scent and not even have the satisfaction of my pussy being satisfied. Im tired of begging men to wear condoms and worrying about STD. It just is all too much bullshit for very little pleasure. 

And then there is the sheer joy my kids feel with their Dad. I can sacrifice something to make sure my children have what they need and want. I want them to have daily access to their father. I want them to have the close bond that comes from sharing a house together and being there for all the little moments in a childs life. It was just too much to for me to tell me daughter no when she asks me is Pa-Pa is going to sleep in my bed again. 

JF is not a bad man, he is a good person and a hardworking man. He loves his family and he takes care of people he loves. A few weeks ago I talked about this moment I had this realization that he did show me love and pay attention to me. I had really bad cramps from the IUD and I really could not move. I just could lay in the bed and whimper from the pain. It was clear to me there were no other men in my life who would take care of me in those type of moments then he would. I can really envision D trying to take care of me. D talks to me about my health and taking care of myself and other topics that shows he cares but really I don't know if I can see him taking care of me. 

I don't understand stand a lot of the things JF does. I know a lot of it is cultural. Some of it is his own dynamic with his father and not seeing a positive marriage in his younger years (for that matter I never saw a non-toxic adult relationship myself). I do know that when he wants to he can talk to me about anything and we can get to a point where we can understand each others point of view. 

So I am hopeful, but not particular optimistic. We have a lot of hurdles to jump. A Lot! So many things to forgive and move on from. I know I am going to do what I can but I will not stay for long if things are not moving in the right direction. 

So what do I do with the cat that I let out of the bag? What do I do with all those numbers of the men with the dick. Well for the most part I let them go. I only really found the neighbor that really amused me  enough to keep that going. The rest of them, their sex was no better than JF and I just can't see myself being bothered. There is the neighbor, I think I will try to see him again. And then there is D. I will always see D. I don't think I am going to tell D about JF, not just yet. He will be mad and if I am understanding the way he feels about me he will sad that we did not have the opportunity. There is T, who I spoke to today. I don't know what I do with that.

I don't like lying. In a perfect world I will convince JF to let me go out once a month or twice a month. I will have to work on that. Maybe if I am having sex with JF I will not want to have other dick. I did always like having sex with him. We have not had sex yet. I am not ready to be that kind of close with him yet. I am just getting used to him being in the bed with me, and I went to change into my pajamas in the closet because nudity is not something I have done with him in a long time. I can not even imagine sex with him. I am not sure I am going to be able to do it for awhile, but I know it needs to happen. I know I can't feel a connection to him if he is not having sex with me. It is the only way for me to feel the connection I desire. It weird because all the sex with other men I have been having I never once felt connected to them (maybe the neighbor) but with JF I know the sex helps with a deep intimacy that I need. And it is also harder to get mad at someone for not wiping down the kitchen counter when they are making you squirt on their dick on the the regular. 

And while I am just telling all my secrets, I did agree to meet the local guy I tried to connect with last week tomorrow. I have an opportunity to be out of the house and alone and I thought I wanted to try it and I just did not get a chance and I really want local dick. (Im shaking my head to myself) It is really hard to stop fucking. I just need to be a little bit patient and let some time pass where I feel like I can fuck JF again and he can take the reins. I mean were just not there yet. 

The Return of JF

 JF made his way back to "home" for lack of a better word. He is staying here tonight. I don't know what the future holds with that. He came in the door and I felt something. I was excited to see him. He said " you don't give me a hug...come hug me". My baby girl revealed in the experience of her daddy holding her and after about a solid hour of sitting on his lap, she proceeded to do his make up with her play make up. He sat patiently with her while she reconnected with him. It made me content. 

The kids showed their Dad their bedrooms and highlighted all the new things they have. JF said in jest do you want me to look at room too, and he goes into the bedroom. We talk for a minute there. He laughs and says that this room must have been active. I roll my eyes at him and deny any sexual activity. Not for any particular reason then I want him to know how I have suffered in his absence and how I need help raising our children. I ask him to sit down and talk with me. He says he does not want to sit since he has been traveling so long, but puts his arm out to hug me. As he hugs our daughter he wraps he arm around me and I bury my face in his chest. I start to cry. A very sad uncontrollable cry. Lord I missed him. I missed him so much. I just want to be where we were years ago, I want to cuddle with him in the bed I want him to touch me proclaim his love for me. None of those things happen. He holds me for a minute and then I wipe my eyes and we press on with the business of getting life back together since he has been gone. 

He goes somewhere with his friends that drove him from the airport and they come back to my house to have a drink before they leave. As he is pulling up he sees my sons therapist walk in the door and asks who is that, in a very accusatory way. It was awkward. 

He is sitting here now and I feel very torn. Part of me is ready to tell him to leave because he is getting on my nerves, but part of me sees him loving the kids and I can't make a move. Part of me still wants him to show me love and makes me feel loved like he used to but I am also ready to let it go.  A man that wanted me should have come back here to talk to me and show me love, but what a got was a mix of weird jealous passive aggressive remarks and a general disinterest in my well being. I am trying hard to hold on to this. I need to remember this! This man chose something else or someone else over me. I need a friend to talk to about this. I talked to my neighbor but I want to her D remind me of the writing on the wall. I want him to tell me that I deserve better and that he has not been good to me. (Ironic D saying that) but I know that D will tell me or he will get mad at me for feeling weak. It could go either way. 

So I echo this same feeling that I have had in the last few weeks. I am tired of men. I am tired of all the nonsense that men have brought to my life and in reality what is the difference between the nonsense JF brings or the nonsense the countless other men bring. At the end of the day they all will hurt me and disappoint me so why not go with the devil I know vs. the one I do not. 

I have an appointment with the neighbor at 10am tomorrow morning. I will have to ask JF to leave if that is to happen...I was going to have D come down one day this week too. UGH. I was not prepared for him to be back. I was enjoying all the freedom. 

Schedule Sync

 I don't know where to start really. There is a lot I want to cover. 

First lets start with JF. I have been calling him since Thursday because my daughter wants to talk to him, but there is no answer. He finally messages me today saying he is NYC and he will be back tomorrow. I instantly felt this stressful butterflies in my belly feeling at the thought of seeing him aging. Part excitement, part dread, part fear of unknowing how our dynamic will be. I was irritated with him because he never gave me his flight information and I did not know what he even left Africa. Who does that? Does he not know that if God forbid something should happen to him I will need to know where he is. If not for my peace of mind but so your children may find you or at least know what happened to you. It is more evidence that he and I are on two different planes and that we will not likely make it back to one another. 

So here I am on a Saturday night and all the starts aligned and a man intrigued me enough to agree to see him, you know only for about an hour. I text him to pick up condoms at Wawa If he does not have any because I forgot to give him the reminder before we left. Who goes to fuck someone for the first time and does not bring condoms. Suspect. But he is polite. I walk into the room which smells intensely bad of cigarette smoke. I said to myself ugh I am going to have to fucking wash my hair again tonight. I had not only just washed it but blown it out and for nothing because it was going to soak up all the stench of sadness in this motel room. I notice I have trouble understanding him. He talks kind of under his breath. I really have to intently listen to hear what he is saying. He is much easier to talk with via text. He easily tells me what to do and I like that. I really like the ease of just being told what to do. Spread those lips apart he says and I do and he eats my pussy. I am always surprised that I like this. It is never something I crave but I do like way more then I think I would. He tells me to roll on my stomach so he can do the same to my ass. This is not the first time I have experienced this but I don't hate it. It feels so weird to me for someone to be so in my personal space like that. Then he started sucking my toes. I liked this for a minute but it was not like orgasm inducing. There was a lot of oral happening and I was just taking it all in. I really wanted the dick in me. I'm sucking his dick and he pulls the hair tie from my hair and I think maybe he wants to touch my red hair and pay no mind to it, but before I know he is wrapping that thing around his balls and cock for a make shift cock ring. I guess I don't need that one back. The dick was good, I was having a little trouble getting there but the pussy was wet and made that sloshy wet pussy sound as he began fucking me. He wanted me to call him a nigger. I could not do that. I don't even like typing it. I just can't do it. I did it with this one guy before but I never liked the way it made me feel. I feel awkward and wrong for doing it. He wanted me to look at him but I did not want to look at him, he wanted me to talk to him but I did not want to talk. He wanted me to suck his dick after he came but I was not into that. I feel like no fun but can I just say what happened to just fucking and being done?

Other activities are fun but seriously I just met you I just want you to fuck me and then we can go from there. Maybe I should just stick with D and the neighbor. 

He took pics tonight. I do not like them. I do not like the way my body looks. I usually do not care but I feel like I look too fat and I just can't take it. I really need to prioritize loosing weight in my life. I don't think I am going to post them. I want to look at them in the light of day and see if I feel better about it. 

When I got home I immediately got in the shower to wash the smell of the motel off of me. Yuck. I am motels and I don't know why they have to smell like that. 

I can almost hear the men asking me how come I met this one and not me, etc. It is the same as me always sweating  these men who never seem to have real interest in fucking me but talk about it a lot like they are going to, they know who they are.  Sometimes everything just works out at the right time on the right day and I am in the right mood. Men that can meet me close to my house make my day. It makes my life so much easier. 

Group Dynamics

 There has been some men in my house lately building a 4th bedroom in my basement. The one day I was working at the dining room table and 5 white men walked up into the living room, one by one I said hello to each of them and I could not help but think about who thought about fucking me. Did any of them think to themselves that they would want to fuck me. I probably would have had my ex husband not have been there. He is a complete turn off to me and it is even hard to get into the zone about thinking about sex when he is around.  Oddly enough our relationship started as sexual but it was not long before that was not part of our relationship in anyway. 

Tonight there were these two Mexican men here. They will be here all weekend. They are doing all the drywall. I have never had sex with a Mexican or Spanish man. I am not going to have sex with these either but there is something that I find VERY enticing about these men lifting heavy sheets of drywall. They brought in like 35 sheets of drywall, just the two of them. They never complained or acted like it was hard. They just kept going up the front stairs and down the basement stairs. And then told me he would be back in the morning at 7am. This experience is a total juxtaposition of what I am used to seeing white men do. I feel like white men complain and whine about the work to do. I find this so unattractive. Unattractive in a way that I can almost not bring myself to even entertain sex with lazy whiney men. I realize that lazy men come from all parts of the world and even when they immigrate from another country it does not mean that they will be hardworking but there is a good chance they will work harder than their American counterparts. I realize that is a harsh racist statement but I can only drive from my experiences that have led me to this observation. There are some really hard working white men out there, for sure! However I don't see them often, and I already know I am bias to the non-American men. 

I used to have this really intense fantasy about the Mexicans working in the fields around where I live. I grew up in a very rural part of the state and the migrate workers were everywhere. They always looked at you like you were something they wanted to fuck. I don't think they look at me like that now, but for sure when I was 15 they were giving me the I want to fuck you look all the time. I am sure this shaped this fantasy of mine. I would always visualize me walking into the field and one of the men touching me and things move quickly to him groping me to him pulling his dick out. I would fall to my knees in the dirt of the field and eventually he would be fucking me in the dirt and as this is happening I see all the other men in the field working their way over to me. I blissfully get fucked by a gang of migrate workers right in the dirt and then they just go back to work. This was my go to fantasy for many years! Now it is a little more varied. If I see a group of men working on anything I insert myself in to that dynamic and allow myself to fantasize about being used by that group of men. 

Im not sure why groups of men are so appealing to me. There is something to be said for the camaraderie that I notice during a gang bang. There were two parties I think about where the men played together often and from what I can tell are friends. They talk they banter they have this interaction among themselves and the interaction with me is almost secondary. I am just there to serve a purpose to make their dick feel good. This is what I want to be there for, I just want to be the comfort and the pleasure. 

Impacts of Stress

 I spoke with my ex (the one in Africa) yesterday. The conversation was not fun. Im talking to him about money and the fact that he has not contributed anything to the raising of his kids in 5 months. Nothing and has even borrowed money from me. He was acting like an asshole during the conversation and saying things that he knows will upset me. Things like he is going to be living primarily in Africa, I don't think he is serious when he says this, but he is saying it to upset me. He also told me that whatever man I have staying with me at night should be giving me money. Just a very asshole thing to say. And overall it makes me feel like this man is really not for me. It makes me feel stressed because I can not change that my kids will be impacted by his lack of fathering his lack of everything. The worst part is as much as I want to cut ties will him and live free of his chaotic life I am still rooting for him to do well and I want to help if I can because what is good for him is good for my children. He succeeds they will reap the benefits of it. 

This conversation weighed me down today. I just could not shake it. I still love him for sure and how he treats me really impacts how I feel. I hope I can get to the place where he will have no power over me soon because it is heart wrenching to be stuck in the place of loving someone who can't love you back the way you love them. I am specifically talking about his thing of saying things that hurt me or upset me. I don't even do that to strangers or people I do not like how in the world can he cause me more stress when he knows I am the only one his children have. I just don't get it. It goes against instinct  to protect your children. In that way men are sometimes lacking the basic instinct that animals have to protect their young. So many men treat their babies mama like nothing and cause them stress. Who do they think feels the brunt of that stress? 

D called me this morning. As I am driving home from dropping the kids at school I see his face pop up on my phone and I am instantly happy. I was legitimately happy to hear from him. We talk about when we can see each other again. I encourage him to just stay the night and he declines again. Otherwise I can't see him this weekend. I miss him and I miss his dick. I miss knowing when he gets done fucking me I won't think about sex for a good week.

I have this ongoing conversation with T about intimate touching and just spending time with him. I like talking with him. I really wish he was not married. It makes me sad. I want to date him and spend time with him. There are not many men that I want to spend time with, for that matter there are not many people in general I want to spend time with so the fact that I want to spend time with him outside of sex is monumental. Im not sure what to do what those feelings. I just keep on looking for someone else I want to spend time with. 

So I find myself thinking about the neighbor way more then I should. The other day I caught a glimpse of him walking his dogs past the front of my house and I ran to the back of my house to watch him walk around the corner and play the visual of what it must look like while he is fucking me. I think he is the first man in a long time that has matched my love of sex, my level of manners and ability to communicate. He has defiantly caught my interest and with interest comes the level of slut that makes me feel so content. This is why I have been wanting a "team". I want several of these men that make me happy at my will. I know schedules and obligations make it hard for one person to keep me in a place of zen so if I could just find like 2 more like the neighbor...it is just so fucking difficult to find this kind of man. It has just gotten to the point where it starting to feel like more trouble than it is worth. 

My first ex husband has been spending a lot of time in my house, since he is orchestrating the addition of another bedroom in my house. I have been talking to him a lot and enjoying just interacting with another adult on a regular basis. In general he gets on my nerves and I feel pleased that we divorced but lately he has just been a reminder of what it is like to have a close relationship with a man and I miss it. A little bit. 

Groundhog's Day

 I have been snowed in this house for a couple of days. I have not really been too dick hungry but I do know it will sneak up on me with out warning so I am always trying to feed the beast. So I did continue to browse through the dating site for people to meet with. I found another local guy. Local like less than 3 miles away. I like this kind of local. It allows so much freedom for me with my tenuous schedule. I am not particularly attracted to him and he is white but he has a dick and likes to suck on clits and well days get rough and sometimes I just need those two things. And then there is the part that he is like 3 miles from my house. I intend to meet him but our schedules have not synced up yet. Part of me like the idea that I am not particularly attracted to him. It pushes this thought of being forced sex for me, not that it is forcing it at all but in the moment before you meet someone and you are not sure you are attracted to them there is this moment where I just kind of say to myself "Fuck it we are already this close". I say this way more then I think I should. In truth the neighbor I did not find attractive when I met him.  I find him attractive now but not in the way I am attracted to a built black man. Attracted in a more mental stimulation way. 

Over the weekend I had made plan to meet with a lifestyle guy. We have been talking for awhile and were texting most of the day. An hour before I was going to leave to meet him I ask him for the address and he totally ghosts me. SMFH. This is why I get frustrated with people. Men are fucking a pain in my ass. I am all for a good time but it is fucking exhausting to deal with all the unreliability of men in general. And I am aware that the situations I am putting myself in are all about casual sex but there should be and there is for me a minimum standard of manners. It is so fucking inconsiderate to do something like that I am just not sure what the fuck people are thinking. I always think about this saying that the measure of a man's character is how he treats the poorest among us. I think about this in the same way men treat me. I am not their wife or their girlfriend or even someone they may plan on seeing more then once but there is a minimum standard of how you would treat any human being and some of these men do not have a very high minimum standard. Unreliability and ghosting might be among the thing that pisses me off the most. My time is too precious to be bothered with the nonsense of a man who does not know what he wants. And again (for the people in the back) the question is  do you want to fuck or not. This is not life changing choices here. Im a little bitter, I did not realize I was so irritated. 

I have this really good friend, he is a white guy, he is like a brother to me. We were talking shit one day and I was talking about making a career change and I asked him what does he see me doing and what did he think I would be passionate about. He has know me since I was 17 so I felt like he would be a good person to ask and he is honest. And he said to me "I have never seen you more passionate about your money or your dick. Those two things I know not to get in your way" and we laughed and he said porn might be my thing. I don't know about porn but I do know that there a few things that I feel deeply passionate about, my kids, my dick and my money. 

Tonight I go to meet this guy. He just wants to "talk". Ugh. I should know better. I really really should know better, but part of me thinks maybe this is part of the process. We are going to sit in my car and pretend that we are trying to get to know each other for some reason and then when he feels like he knows enough he takes my hand and puts it on his dick.  It is like my own personal groundhogs day situation over and over and over again. Tonight was no different. I of course am still so jaded that I don't even feel nervous. I have my yoga pants on and a long sleeve tee and my hair in a pony tail. I really don't give a shit anymore. I am not even trying. He gets in my car, we talk, he heard enough to make him comfortable, he takes my hand and puts it on his dick. The dick feels nice. Not as long as D but thick like D and I was defiantly wanting it. I say to him we need to make a decision are we going to go get a room or are we going to put this on pause for tonight. Im miserable about this even as I type it. He tells me he forgot his wallet. Now he drives a BMW, (a new one, not like a 1987 model) and works in IT and you are telling me you don't have Apple Pay or some similar way to pay on your phone.  That sounds like bullshit to me. In the moment I was not thinking about that. I swear all I could do was think about the dick. And like so many of these men lately he wants me to suck his nipples. Now he was sucking my tits and it felt nice. I notice that men who suck my tits well want me to suck their nipples. But women breast are made for sucking, it is like their actual purpose so it feel natural to do this. I don't mind sucking a women breasts, that feels ok to me. However something about this nipple play with men just does not sit well with me. It feels unnatural and I hate it. Although the men who like they like really like it. You can feel their level of excitement getting more intense. I also don't want to me that close to a man, other then to suck their dick. It is just too much closeness for casual encounters. Long story short he ends up cumming and I end up just feeling used. Used in a very unsatisfying way. He asks me if I can come out tomorrow and get a room. I don't go out two nights in a row because  I need to be home with the kids and I don't know what the next few days hold for me so I told him probably in the next few days. Im skeptical that he will follow through and I am skeptical that I will want to do now that I already know he will want me to suck and lick his nipples. 

There is this other thing I thought about today and I prepared to go out. I did not do much preparing but I did get a shower. As I am getting a shower there is a whole lot that goes into this process when you are showering before sex. You think that it is just easy and straight forward but it is not. First thing is to wash your hair or not? My hair needs to be washed every 2 to 3 days, but if I am seeing a man I want to wash it after I see him because the smell of a man can linger in you hair and then you can't get away from their scent. So timing the hair washing is a thing. You don't want to wash 2x in one day. I can smell his scent in my hair now, I guess I am getting back in the shower tonight. The second thought is soap. I like a scented shower gel sometimes but like with the neighbor he does not want me to use scented shower gel because it smells like perfume and you don't want to smell like perfume when you are married. I am just in the habit of using unscented soap for this reason anyway anytime I am going out to have sex. Third is the not putting lotion on after because no one want so taste lotion. And then I go out and have to come back and do it all again. It exhausting sometimes but I need to shower right after. Not when I am with D but everyone else I feel like I need to wash it all off me immediately. Maybe I don't really need to be doing it if I feel so disgusted but then again I am not going to live with out regular sex. 

Eye opening for me tonight was how disgusted I was by him cumming. I wanted the dick, I liked him but the actual cum made me want to vomit. I think this is a thing I have with strangers. With D and now with the neighbor I am not disgusted with the cum, I sometimes want it. But good lord tonight I wanted to get as far away from it as possible. 

I feel like I have had a lot of one time encounters or two times encounters in the last few months. These feel like failures to me. I would love to get their feed back as to why they are not calling me again for more. I do really prefer long-term relationships (sexual relationships) over one time things. My head actually hurts from thinking about all the frustrations about getting the dick I need. I started to look for some more toys. I think if I vary my toy collection maybe I will need less dick. There seems to be a toy that does anything maybe I can find something that can satisfy the urges a little better.